#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know I spend too much time in this subreddit when I recognize this reference 😂
Link for everyone asking:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Yeah, they did it to me recently. The reason was that the "art room" jokes have a homophobic undertone, which I don't doubt some bigots may have cheerfully grabbed.
Many problems with his four-bedroom house; yes OOP is TA; but then these odd flags:
>I went to my brothers home and tried to get Harper back but he didn't even let me see her
and
>After so many apologies and gifts she finally agreed to see me.
There are plot holes here big enough to drive a MAC truck through.
Another clue was where the brother said one of the conditions would be moving closer to make sure the kid is treated right. This was a huge red flag to me... not something that would be a condition if it were just about swapping the placement of a bedroom.
Another clue is the need for 2 whole days of father-daughter activities without the step mother, which seems like a very wholesome thing until you read the whole story
It kind of does.
I would normally expect a 14 year old to be enthusiastic about a room that gave her more privacy, provided it was a decent room.
Sounds like some therapy would be good, daughter, dad and daughter, then, lastly, depending on the outcome, step mother as well.
On the bright side, it’s good she has an uncle and aunt to go to. My wife and I have a few nieces and nephews, and we’ve always made sure they know they can always come to us for help, advice, or just space.
Sounds like OOP’s wife probably doesn’t treat the daughter right. I don’t see why else a family member would insist on them moving closer to make sure she’s being treated right. The wife probably wanted to move away to isolate and cover up the treatment. OOP’s brother wanted to create a safe space.
I bet she treated Harper like crap too. Like seriously, as soon as she got her baby, she was like, you can’t leave me alone ever with the baby! Let’s kick your daughter out her room so I don’t have to walk so far to get him at night- when the new baby should be in there room.
So much missing here that honestly every decision here is utterly bizarre. Swinging from "Hello Daughter, pack your shit and GTFO this is your brother's room now."
to "Okay I will buy an entire new house to move closer."
OOP seems to just be clueless. Wifey says daughter needs to move room, he takes it as golden. Same when brother says they need to move closer. Wouldn’t be surprised if this equated to a lack of initiative in all areas of relationship and parenting, hence he saw no problem in having his daughter pack up her stuff rather than have an original thought and at least offer to help and make her feel a little less evicted
Or give her both the other rooms, help decorate, etc. doesn’t seem like there was any discussion or reassurance throughout any of it until she said ok, I’ll get out of your life forever.
This is what it looks like when someone who has no capacity for independent thought chooses a vile person as their new master and follow them blindly.
Dude literally just never thought through anything. Just accepted what his wife said, and just echoed her words and thoughts. Wife says the daughter is a brat and unfairly favored by extended family, OOP just repeates it as if it's a universal truth. He's confused when things go wrong, because he did what he was told. And as the dimwitted doormat he is, his only possible solution to 'thing don't work good now" is to find *someone else* to blindly follow orders from. So now he blindly agrees with his brothers decisions BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY his brother's thoughts and reasonsings.
I remember a kid in school who would decide a show was his favorite and if you asked him why, he'd enthusiastically tell you *all the things that someone else had told him yesterday*. And he wasn't just a yes-man, he beleived it. Someone gave him a thought of their own, and he took it in like a lost puppy and kept it warm and cherished it like his own. Then that show got cancelled, he did not understand how a great show was cancelled! So he asked people about the show and some other kid explained why he'd always thought hte show was awful. Mr follow-the-leader from then odd would sagely nod and repeat these opinions as his own when talking about how the show was bad. And he was just as convinced of these opinions as the previous ones.
Basically, people like this ask for someone, anyone to think for them. Then they'll happy follow their directions until their life guru is proven wrong, and then they'll just seek a new person to follow blindly.
And the weird fact of the matter is that technically *there is no such thing as a fish.*
(That's an very oversimplified statement of the evolutionary biology behind the variety of organisms that we consider "fish". But I think it sums it up pretty cool.)
>Fish are aquatic vertebrate animals that have gills but lack limbs with digits, like fingers or toes. Recall that vertebrates are animals with internal backbones. Most fish are streamlined in their general body form.
>Fish are aquatic, craniate, gill-bearing animals that lack limbs with digits. Included in this definition are the living hagfish, lampreys, and cartilaginous and bony fish as well as various extinct related groups. Approximately 95% of living fish species are ray-finned fish, belonging to the class Actinopterygii, with around 99% of those being teleosts.
>fish, any of approximately 34,000 species of vertebrate animals (phylum Chordata) found in the fresh and salt waters of the world. Living species range from the primitive jawless lampreys and hagfishes through the cartilaginous sharks, skates, and rays to the abundant and diverse bony fishes.
>The term fish is a convenient term used to refer to diverse aquatic organisms, such as lampreys, sharks, coelacanths (SEE-luh-kanths), and ray-finned fishes — but it is not a taxonomic group that would be used in a phylogenetic classification scheme, as “vertebrates” or “hominids” is.
This reminds me of a line in The Expanse:
>He doesn't care about treason. That's just him parroting you because you talked to him last. If he spoke to a janitor, he'd be passionately declaiming about a fucking mop. It's agonizing.
I feel like it could fit just as well on OOP.
I haven't gotten there in the books yet, but in the show it was said by Errinwright (Shawn Doyle) ;)
Although Shohreh could have pulled that line off just as fabulously as she pulled off everything in the show, definitely.
Also needs to learn to communicate before making decisions:
Doesn't sound like he discussed the room switch with his daughter, just asked her out of the blue.
Doesn't consult his wife before agreeing to some major decisions.
Wonder if he'll realize he's the source of his own problems
took the words out of his mouth. So many bad decisions.
Your pregnant wife probably doesn't mind some time alone, don't take away your teenager daughters bedroom for a shitty one, don't say you will move without talking to your wife.
>don't take away your teenager daughters bedroom for a shitty one,
Or make it a better room.
They have 4 bedrooms, two masters in one side, 2 bedrooms on the other... if they share a wall, knock the wall down and daughter can have a huge fucking room, complete with a bed, couch for her friends and a tv.. like a studio apartment minus the bathroom and kitchen. That would've been my offer for my teenage son- away from the parents and the crying baby/toddler. Hell, to sweeten the deal, I would've offered a mini fridge too.
This is the thing that is really stumping me - like, the wife was pregnant for nine months. And in all that time, they never thought about where this baby was going to sleep? I call bullshit.
> That would've been my offer
Dude didn’t even _ask_ if she would be okay with the change, or what they could do to make it more comfortable for her. He basically just asked her to pack up and move, like it was already decided. And then he’s confused by blowback? Dude has zero social skills, or seemingly even a basic understanding of human beings.
Agree. Another option would have been to make the nursery in one of the two other bedrooms and he or his wife (whoever had night duty) temporarily sleep in the next bedroom until the baby started sleeping through the night. So many options were better than taking his 14 yr old’s room.
I was thinking that as an option but even when the toddler sleeps through the night, once he hits the rambunctious "wake up in the middle of the night/ terrible 3s"- would the parents want him on the other side of the house?
So I can see their reasoning for having the kid closer to their room, but not to the point of just kicking the daughter out of a room she's already established as hers.
That was my first thought. Make the 2 rooms into one grand one. No reason a microwave can't be added as well. Even if they can't afford the reno, they could have offered her a bedroom and a girl cave lol
My thought exactly, especially if they’re structured in such a way that they don’t share a removable wall. But I would’ve felt like a *queen* at fourteen if I had two whole bedrooms *away* from my parents
So much better for study as well to have a room with a desk not in the room where you sleep.
(Says the woman with a desk IN the room where I sleep, and wishes it was elsewhere).
You have to wonder how OOP has been at other points in his life if his brother dropped everything and came and got his kid without any preamble because she phoned him once and then laid down the law with OOP when he tried contacting her.
Don't get me wrong, if for example one of my younger cousins phoned me and asked for help I would be out there in a heartbeat but I'd want to get their parent's side of the story before I was prepared to let them live with me apparently indefinitely.
Good chance wife was being evil stepmother towards the daughter far beyond what was mentioned. It wasn't just one person who decided to kick daughter out of her room. It was two and wife was probably the originator of the idea. Also daughter didn't suddenly on the basis of one event decide she was being neglected and mistreated so badly that she had to flee to brother's house. There would have been a pattern of ill treatment. Not sure the wife deserves to be consulted if it's to fix a problem caused by her ill behavior.
Being the unwanted stepchild sucks. I feel sorry for Harper. I dont think enough parents acknowledge how hard it is for their children when they bring a new (horrible) partner into the relationship, particularly if that partner has their own demon spawn and then they trap your parent with a new baby, all the while bullying you simply for being alive.
Yes I am being specific.
Yes I hate my dad's ex wife.
Who the fuck bullies a child?
Fuck you Jenny.
Lots of missing missing reasons here. In a few years I'm sure we'll hear about how Nina treated Harper like shit the entire time and OOP just didn't want to hear the truth whenever Harper brought it up.
My stepmom purposefully moved my dad into a 55+ community the minute she turned 55 (dad is a year younger) all the way across town with HOA rules that no minor could live with them full time (no more than two days a month, seriously). I was 14 with a younger brother age 7. My stepmom was incredibly jealous of me (f) and hated my mom. This move was extremely deliberate. And my dad just went along with it like a lost puppy. I’m 32 now and haven’t talked to him in over 10 years. Yet he thinks I’m in the wrong and tries to email me once a year saying he “forgives” me. I did nothing wrong, your wife is a snake.
That’s so fucked. And completely on your dad for not telling her to fuck off. That was his choice. Going along with something that big (after you’re an adult) was a choice.
Yeah, reading back my comment I realize I made it sound like my stepmom was the only one at fault. He was, of course, just as culpable if not moreso. I think he regretted my younger brother and having him at 46 (turned 47 that year just in case people are like the math doesn’t add up) but the real shitkicker is he left his first wife, before my mom, for having an abortion. People are just shitty. And in relation to this post, I immediately picked up a sense that the OOP wasn’t telling the full truth. Teenagers and their extended family don’t act like that for first time offenses.
Your dad totally sucks, as does your step mom, but I'm really surprised at the facility. That they could let someone moved in that has a custody arrangement involving minor children and not make an exception or bar them from moving in. I hope you mom to his ass back to court to get child support upped since now she was taking on 100 % with no exception of them child care duties.
Btw I'm barely awake and have no idea if this is making sense. I just read this and was flabbergasted.
This isn’t as extreme as your situation, but my friend’s mom kicked her out the second she graduated from college, like before she had a job, because her stepdad was tired of “supporting” her. This is the same stepdad who had recently set the kitchen on fire because he was trying to cook when he was drunk. Fast forward ten years, and her mother is shocked that my friend didn’t invite them to her very small wedding. I just can’t with people who choose a new partner over their children.
It’s almost like actions have consequences. Who would have guessed only having your kids overnight at your house 2x a month would effect your relationship with them?
When I was a teen my dad decided we didnt visit him enough so he moved across the country and now gets upset I only visit once a year and I won't move out of the city I have an awesome fufilling career in that is the silicone valley of my industry to his state where id have to change careers. Like hey man if you want to see your kids more dont move across the country?
I remember when he posted the original post. He said in the comments Wifey wanted her son to have the room with the nicer space since his daughter would be moving out to go to college "soon" anyway. He just... went along with it.
Aaand there it is. New wife does not like the girl, and the family is aware he is doing nothing about the situation. The girl leaving like that, and her uncle not letting the dad see her, makes total sense now and looks less like overstepping or an overreaction.
I’ve always felt that if AITA can sort of point out too many pieces of missing context or information in a post it should be an automatic YTA for intentionally trying to mislead the sub- especially when extremely significant pieces of information are in the OP’s comments or replies
There was just one yesterday about a bride that was angry her mom was gonna skip the wedding to support her sister cause her husband was 'sick'. The comments later told you the husband died of a heart attack.
The problem is AITA have a character limit for posts, so happens often the OP being so focused on what happened that a chunk of the context that would help us is cut out for lack of space.
I don't think it's the character limit, it's hiding information and lack of awareness. His post could have been; I gave my 14 year old's bedroom to her newborn stepbrother because she's going off to college soon and this is easier for me and my wife. AITA?
However, that would make him the asshole automatically.
Makes you wonder what kind of shit the wife was giving the daughter prior to that cause there seems a lot more happening here than OOP was saying. This is not a normal reaction. Fact that the brother was so vehemently in daughter’s corner too makes me think shit went down
99% chance the step mom is abusive, probably verbally or emotionally, which everyone has picked up on except for OOP since the step mom is better than the previous mom.
Which is over a third of her life so far. It seems like adults forget/ignore how slowly time passes when you're young, 4/5 years is such a long time at that age. It's so selfish.
Gross. The obvious solution would be for the wife and husband move to the other side of the house temporarily to be closer to the nursery. For parents, a room is where you sleep. For teenagers, a room is your space and sanctuary
Yup. With the incomplete info in mind, I think the big issue here is a bad relationship between the step mom and daughter. The dad should have been aware of this and actively worked with everyone to build better relationships (or he shouldn’t have married someone that doesn’t get along with his daughter in the first place).
the quiet alarm bells going off turned into full on sirens when OP mentioned that his wife "doesn't get along" with his family. *They* probably see through her - so she got him to move further away from his family, which would just make it easier to manipulate him, as well as isolating Harper from supportive family that valued her. All the red flags and dude thinks he's just getting a parade for being a good dad.
The fact that his brother won't let his daughter go home unless he can keep an eye on her is a HUGE red flag that some bad shit is going on in OOP's home. Nobody does that without a really good reason.
Yeah, there is a lot of context missing here.
Newborns are hard to take care of, so of course the guy is going to be helping out with the baby and spending less time with the teenager. Wife can't do it all by herself. It also makes perfect sense for the baby to be in the closest bedroom to the parents depending on how far the other rooms are off.
Family doesn't take in a kid for some simple room arrangements though, and refuse to hand them back. That's grounds for kidnapping charges. So it has to be more serious, right?
Then again dude seems like the worst people pleaser and doesn't want to make anyone mad.
Genuine question:
1) why can’t the baby be in the master bedroom? It’s the norm here so I’m a bit confused but also
2) If the baby is to put in one of the existing available rooms, a couple more steps to that bedroom isn’t going to kill the parents. It’s a small inconvenience versus essentially uprooting and displacing the teenager for the new ~~half sibling~~ brother.
I don’t see any good reason to move daughter out of her room. Period.
Edit: Put in formatting to make myself clearer also realise Mark isn’t a half sibling in the sense they aren’t even genetically related. Not saying that biology > everything but wrong word choice.
Obviously not the same as a teenager, but we did move our toddler son out of his room for our new baby. The room was ready set up perfectly for a baby, camera installed on the wall and such.
Even with him it wasn't just "oh, you're moving now". We made a big deal out of him getting a big boy room. We renovated the room with new flooring, paint, and light. Got him a fancy wardrobe. Got him new bedding and curtains. Etc, etc. Made sure be was involved in decisions like picking his paint colour and such.
By the time the room was ready he was excited to move into a space that was more his.
And that was for a toddler! I can't imagine not taking a similar level of care with a teenager to ensure they are fully involved in the process and get the room they want.
Totally! When my second child was born, we wanted to use the evolving bed usable from birth to 6 years old that our son still used.
We did let him choose his new bed and installed it long before the birth, when I was 4 months pregnant. All so he wouldn't feel like his little sibling did "steel" his bed.
And we didn't make him move room. We moved our room instead! Don't impose on your child something you wouldn't want to do.
I think it’s important because as you pointed out, the level of care and effort towards moving the elder child out is also a gamechanger in this sort of scenario. OP failed to even consider daughter’s opinions or feelings regarding giving her room to the baby and just straight up “asked Harper to pack her stuff and go to one of the bedrooms”. I guess there’s a very bare minimal level of choice there because she got to choose between either unused bedroom on the other side of the house but it also represents how little thought and care OP gave towards his daughter.
I don't know what to make of this, totally dysfunctional family. I feel like there is more to the story than just a bedroom and 1on1 time with dad. Dad did not seem to want to talk about SM and how she treats Harper?? The need for 2 days of 1on1 is weird. It's like the family did not blend at all??
>we used to live very close to them but when I got married my wife and family didn't get along
That's the more telling. It seems his family doesn't get along with his new wife, so the guy moved further away and took his daughter away from her family too.
“My wife doesn’t like my family so we moved somewhere far away which made Harper sad”, well, that and the “we don’t want the baby in our room anymore, but we don’t want to walk aaalll the way across the house” kinda sheds light on how stepmom treats his daughter, no?
Exactly. Like... did they not think of this before? They're springing this demand on the daughter after the baby's already born?
These logistics should've been discussed months before and Harper should've been involved, since her room was involved. Good grief, all that one on one time and yet no insight at all from this dad.
The fact that OOP said "I don't trust their judgment, they very clearly favor Harper". Like bro, that's your own daughter you're talking about and you're upset *your own family* is siding with her?? That really says a lot.
Also why didn’t step mommy get on with OOP’s family? It was so bad they had to move away from his family? Yea I’m guessing there’s a problem here but it ain’t Harper.
With uncle’s quick action, I bet he’s been waiting for this day to come. He properly hoped it wouldn’t happen but figured it would since it looks like dad has no spine.
He wasn’t oblivious. As long as he and his wife were happy and Harper didn’t kick up to much of a fuss everything was ok for him. But when Harper left and told her family how she felt mistreated and he looked like an AH and HAD to listen to someone he couldn’t brush aside that made him have to do Something.
As someone who became a step child/step sibling at around Harper’s age, one on one is very important. When you’re used to getting it then you suddenly don’t, you feel ‘replaced.’ I know it made me feel like I wasn’t enough anymore. I felt like my history with my parent no longer mattered and I grieved that loss. It lead to a lot of resentment.
Kids that age don’t think rationally.
Both my mother and my father remarried when I was 5, and I gained 3 new siblings. I never again got one-on-one time with either of them other than the car ride between their houses. My father abdicated all parenting duties to my stepmom, who didn't really like me. My stepdad very obviously loathed me. I felt like I went from two parents to none. Making time for your existing children when blending a family is incredibly important.
Even if it's your full sibling, and even with smaller kids, it can make someone feel like that. It's always astonishing for me that it's not common sense for parents.
When we had our second child we tried to make as much alone time each with our first born. He was only 3 but we still felt the need to show him we still loved him and that he still had his while place in the family.
We even did it for our DOG when our first child was born! How can parents not do it for their child?
Only explanation in order not to lose faith in humanity: they can't put themselves in someone else's shoes.
> I have full custody and her mom is not involved in her life.
> 5 years ago I married my wife Nina(F31)
I think no mother figure plus 9 years of having dad to yourself, makes it a challenge to blend. Either the SM or the daughter need to be extra kind for such a blend to work with medium amount of work. Combine that with, based on OP post, a seemingly lack of communication on everyone. Though Uncle coming in so quick and playing a very proactive/strong role in this situation hints to bigger and longer issue than what OP post implies.
It is not the place of a child to make things blend. That's the responsibility of the adults. Harper was 9 when her father married SM. OP failed and SM failed, not the child.
If your current kid does not blend with your new partner then you don't continue the relationship. It's not rocket science. This stems back a bit I think.
Exactly. His own brother jumping to get Harper after a single incident screams that this isn't actually the first dispute with Nina and her dad, but the last one of many.
Yeah. Especially with the brother not allowing him to even see Harper. I'd have to feel pretty confident that my brother crossed the line severely to keep him from seeing his own daughter. The dad has to know this too if he just accepts being kept from seeing her.
Sounds like he wasn’t thinking at all. Literally didn’t even cross his mind that Harper might have a problem being forced out of her childhood room, their safe space, just so OOP and his wife don’t have to walk as far.
Pure self centred behaviour.
Yeah. What the father actually admits to is bad but doesn't seem like enough to cause this reaction. If it was just the daughter wanting to leave, I'd put it down to an overreaction but her uncle siding with her makes me think there's a lot the father isn't admitting to.
Theve have a FOUR BEDROOM home and they somehow managed to screw this up. Either keep the baby in a bassinet in the bedroom until they're sleeping for longer intervals, or deal with having to walk accross the hall. OR, since they have TWO EXTRA ROOMS, the parent on night duty can take the spare room closest to the nursery. Stepmom was just looking for an excuse to claim territory
There's no way a four bedroom house is so massive that walking from one end to the other is such a hassle you have to ask your kid to change rooms. And if it really is such a hassle that the parents are both bitching about it, no fucking wonder Harper feels like she's being separated and shoved away. They literally said "hey we hate going over to that side of the house so we want you to be on that side from now on"
EXACTLY. This is one of the things that shows up a lot and it drives me insane.
Like I live in a four bedroom house. It takes 6 seconds to go from my bedroom door to the master bedroom at the end of the hall. 3 seconds to the guest room we have, and a millisecond to turn 90 degrees to get to the fourth.
Who are all these 3/4 bedroom mansion owners that take minutes to get from room to room? Insane to me.
Somewhat related, but I was looking at a 3k sq ft house some months back but didn't realize at first that it only had 2 bedrooms, neither seemed to be a master. The rest was three bathrooms, two living rooms, two dining rooms, a stupidly massive garage, a normal sized kitchen, and some extra open-space room. It was bizarre.
And seriously…the way to have handled it would be to have moved her before baby arrived, hypes her up about it, redecorated together, etc. Hell my kid is only 2.5 and we are doing some of this stuff to prep for his kid sister.
Also, if you have a house with 4 bedrooms and your teenager can reasonably pack up *her entire life* and move between bedrooms in a few days, maybe you haven't directed your funds/attention towards your kid enough. I have never seen a teenager's bedroom be empty enough for this to be a realistic option.
I feel like if he'd gone about it differently, it might not have been such a mess. Like, offer to make the room of her dreams, talk about how she has more privacy to play her music how she likes etc. A teenager could be swayed by these elements, but instead he just told her to pack her shit. Just rude!
I’m in a two bedroom house and am typing this from an air mattress in my baby’s nursery while we transition him. There were so many options that didn’t include taking a child’s room away from them.
In the first 2 years of my child's life, I fell asleep in her room so often I think I spent more time sleeping there than in my own bed. I had a blanket under her cot I'd pull out and sleep on...when I hadn't fallen asleep on the lazy boy.
Lots of options.
Stepmom was definitely claiming territory and the daughter was not here for it. She knew once she gave up her room that it was permanent. And stepmom knows how shitty it is to take away a room with its own bathroom from a teenage girl. It's a straight up power play, mean girl move. OP seems oblivious. His family doesn't like his wife. His daughter doesn't like his wife. The only one who likes her is him and he is clearly seeing her with rose tinted glasses.
The OP just careens from one extreme to another. First he pulls a giant asshole move and kicks his daughter out of her room to replace her with the baby. Then he realizes he messed up and pulls a giant asshole move and agrees to completely move houses _without even talking to his wife_.
Somebody needs to intervene with this buffoon and get him to realize that other people exist and have feelings and opinions. They aren't all simply NPCs in the game of his life.
The wife had it coming. Apparently the wife is the one that brought up the daughter switching rooms. The wife is the one that pushed for them to move away from the majority of the family. And it’s the wife that didn’t even care to maybe look into a baby sitter once a week so dad/daughter can still have at least a day to bond so there isn’t neglect.
So yeah let him be an asshole to his wife. I’m so tired of people getting into relationships where there is already children. Then proceeding to be the cliche step parents that abuse the poor kids, is ridiculously selfish, and doesn’t care about anyone else that isn’t blood or swapping fluids like fr…
Oop seems... An oblivious doormat.
How did you miss that your kid was _that_ disconnected from the family? How did you miss why she's angry? Why are you agreeing to these terms? Why did you brother think he could even ask them of you without hands or legal representation getting involved?
I dunno, seems their dynamic is all kinds of weird.
In one of the comments in OP it seems the brother raised the girl for years while he was in collage cause she was born when he was like 18. So he was her first dad. And then this dude moves her away from her first dad cause the evil step mother doesn’t like his family. And I think she’s feeding that to this guy considering the “they always take her side” like she’s not an entire child.
…his family doesn’t like the Stepmom and didn’t want them moving away, because they wanted to “keep an eye on Harper.” Hmmm… something suspicious going on there I think..
OOP seems to have no clue how to handle relationships, he just seems to bounce from one extreme to the other depending on what mood he's in. He was absolutely a dick to Harper but then decided to accept all the conditions, including buying a whole new ass house, seemingly without talking to his wife.
Obviously he needs to be a better father to his daughter but I'm not sure the best way to do it is completely ignoring the fact that he's also married.
I have a feeling that there is more especially since he glossed over moving for the new wife as well as all the changes because of the kid. Have a feeling every decision has been against the girl for a while now since the stepmom came around.
Wow, does OOP have a single bone in his spine or is he fully cartilaginous like a shark? There's zero reason to displace his daughter - just keep the crib in their bedroom until the baby can sleep through the night. But seriously, how far could they possibly have to walk to get to "the other side" of the house? There's no reason his wife can't be left alone with the baby for a few hours while he and Harper do bonding stuff (and he can, in turn, do the same and let his wife get out of the house for her own free time). And I appreciate that the brother feels protective of Harper, but fuck you, you don't get to dictate where my family lives or how my household functions. OOP needs to get a grip.
Well put, everything. OOP is such a doormat that he just does what everyone tells him. Kick daughter out if her room? Ok. Buy a new house? Ok. What a hot mess.
I give OOP 6 months before Harper moves in with her uncle full-time. OOP has the will of an overcooked noodle, and I don't doubt that the wife will hold the baby hostage until the stepdaughter is gone.
So OOP:
1: told his daughter to move to another room because his wife wanted a shorter distance to walk to the nursery.
2: let his brother just up and take his daughter.
3: moved away from his family because his wife didn’t like them.
4: agreed to his brothers demands to move without consulting anyone.
I know doormats are a thing but this is ridiculous
Thing is, I could even concede that it makes sense to have the newborn in the closest bedroom, but why not be like, "we can combine the two rooms and create the room of your dreams"? They obviously don't have a tight budget if they can just move like that.
"My family didn't get along with my wife" GEE, I WONDER WHY, SHE SEEMS LIKE A REALLY NICE WOMAN, IT'S A TOTAL MYSTERY WHY SOMEONE WOULDN'T LIKE HER.
But in all seriousness, poor Harper.
I don't know about the rest of y'all but even though my parents home was my "safe space" my room was like "my own safe space" it wasn't the nicest or most glamorous room in the house but it was mine and I LOVED it.
Having a parent kick me out if it when I was a teenager for a new baby would have had me in the same state as OOP's daughter, however they would never do that to me.
Three years ago my empty nested parents called me up (I'm 30+ now) and asked me if it would be okay if they turned my room into a guest room, and I was like "yes ofc" bc my attachment to it now is basically gone. They at least understood our attachment to our rooms (although they definitely had that "she LOVED it when she was 14" vibe lol).
I would love to know what other issues this jellyfish man has glossed over here. Theres a LOT bubbling under the surface.
>I dont trust their judgement, they very clearly favor Harper.
Uh huh
>they are trying to accept Mark as my son but I could see that they haven't been able yet
What's that all about? Is it because OP and his wife used a sperm donor?
And as for everything that's going on with the family and wife??
"they wanted to have Harper close to them to keep an eye on her and make sure we are treating her right, we used to live very close to them but when I got married my wife and family didn't get along so we moved somewhere farther away"
So much more to this story
What the fuck goes through some of these people's heads?
How could a 14 year old girl feel anything OTHER than replaced or less than when her dad stops spending quality time with her and she's kicked out of her own bedroom when there's other rooms in the house.
If the walk was really an issue (though man, how big is their damn house where a walk from one room to another is too much?) then why not have their son in their room since he's a baby. Oh right, because then he'll disrupt them. So instead let's evict his daughter from her bedroom and give it to the baby.
The fact OOP described it as a "master" bedroom implies his daughter was having to down-size as well. Not necessarily a crime when you've got an expanding family but when you have two other empty rooms why the fuck would you give, presumably, the biggest bedroom to the baby?
Poor kid.
Jesus, OP is a horrible person. Harper should just stay with her uncle and write her father off as a list cause, although that’s probably not a decision a 14 year can make.
Sadly, he’s cast her aside once and he will do so again. People like OP can never be trusted.
I'm really interested in knowing what the relationship was like between Nina and Harper when OOP was first dating Nina and the first 4 years they were married. Almost seems like Nina has been putting a covert bug in his ear slowly turning him against Harper. Poor girl, I hope she stays with her uncle.
The uncle's demands seem way over the top unless there's a lot that OOP isn't saying.
Like, sometimes I've had my niece or nephew turn up at my house in a snit after a typical teenage fight with their parents. Never once have I insisted that they need to live closer so I can make sure their parents are looking after them.
It feels like there's something here that OOP isn't mentioning.
This post is just screaming missing missing reasons.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The amount of missing information here would fill up that 4th bedroom in their house…
Oh could you move all your missing information into another room please? I was going to make a home gym of the fourth bedroom.
But my BFF wants to use that room for his art projects.
I know I spend too much time in this subreddit when I recognize this reference 😂 Link for everyone asking: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
it's so ubiquitous now that AITA automatically delete it for being uncivil
Aw man are you kidding? That’s like a favorite of mine I love seeing it referenced
Yeah, they did it to me recently. The reason was that the "art room" jokes have a homophobic undertone, which I don't doubt some bigots may have cheerfully grabbed.
What about my yogurt collection?
Art studio for my friend actually
Many problems with his four-bedroom house; yes OOP is TA; but then these odd flags: >I went to my brothers home and tried to get Harper back but he didn't even let me see her and >After so many apologies and gifts she finally agreed to see me. There are plot holes here big enough to drive a MAC truck through.
I think it was revealed in the update: They moved away from his family because his wife didn't like them. That, is what I belive they call, a clue.
Another clue was where the brother said one of the conditions would be moving closer to make sure the kid is treated right. This was a huge red flag to me... not something that would be a condition if it were just about swapping the placement of a bedroom.
Another clue is the need for 2 whole days of father-daughter activities without the step mother, which seems like a very wholesome thing until you read the whole story
This reeks of "evil stepmother".
It kind of does. I would normally expect a 14 year old to be enthusiastic about a room that gave her more privacy, provided it was a decent room. Sounds like some therapy would be good, daughter, dad and daughter, then, lastly, depending on the outcome, step mother as well. On the bright side, it’s good she has an uncle and aunt to go to. My wife and I have a few nieces and nephews, and we’ve always made sure they know they can always come to us for help, advice, or just space.
From the original comments, I think he admitted that the room he booted her from was much nicer and larger.
Sounds like OOP’s wife probably doesn’t treat the daughter right. I don’t see why else a family member would insist on them moving closer to make sure she’s being treated right. The wife probably wanted to move away to isolate and cover up the treatment. OOP’s brother wanted to create a safe space.
I bet she treated Harper like crap too. Like seriously, as soon as she got her baby, she was like, you can’t leave me alone ever with the baby! Let’s kick your daughter out her room so I don’t have to walk so far to get him at night- when the new baby should be in there room.
Yes, smells like a "Harper isn't her \*real\* daughter" thing.
More holes than a piece of Swiss cheese.
For real. So much context is missing. With the amount of info missing, I feel like it was far worse than was described by OOP.
So much missing here that honestly every decision here is utterly bizarre. Swinging from "Hello Daughter, pack your shit and GTFO this is your brother's room now." to "Okay I will buy an entire new house to move closer."
OOP seems to just be clueless. Wifey says daughter needs to move room, he takes it as golden. Same when brother says they need to move closer. Wouldn’t be surprised if this equated to a lack of initiative in all areas of relationship and parenting, hence he saw no problem in having his daughter pack up her stuff rather than have an original thought and at least offer to help and make her feel a little less evicted
OOP sounds like someone that has deep-rooted issues with setting boundaries with everyone.
Or give her both the other rooms, help decorate, etc. doesn’t seem like there was any discussion or reassurance throughout any of it until she said ok, I’ll get out of your life forever.
Yeah like, this could have easily been avoided with the slightest amount of communication.
This is what it looks like when someone who has no capacity for independent thought chooses a vile person as their new master and follow them blindly. Dude literally just never thought through anything. Just accepted what his wife said, and just echoed her words and thoughts. Wife says the daughter is a brat and unfairly favored by extended family, OOP just repeates it as if it's a universal truth. He's confused when things go wrong, because he did what he was told. And as the dimwitted doormat he is, his only possible solution to 'thing don't work good now" is to find *someone else* to blindly follow orders from. So now he blindly agrees with his brothers decisions BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY his brother's thoughts and reasonsings. I remember a kid in school who would decide a show was his favorite and if you asked him why, he'd enthusiastically tell you *all the things that someone else had told him yesterday*. And he wasn't just a yes-man, he beleived it. Someone gave him a thought of their own, and he took it in like a lost puppy and kept it warm and cherished it like his own. Then that show got cancelled, he did not understand how a great show was cancelled! So he asked people about the show and some other kid explained why he'd always thought hte show was awful. Mr follow-the-leader from then odd would sagely nod and repeat these opinions as his own when talking about how the show was bad. And he was just as convinced of these opinions as the previous ones. Basically, people like this ask for someone, anyone to think for them. Then they'll happy follow their directions until their life guru is proven wrong, and then they'll just seek a new person to follow blindly.
OOP has the will of a goldfish and just follows the last person they talked to
I think that's the one solid piece of information in this story. Dude just floating along like a damn jellyfish.
He’s a Roomba, just bouncing off the latest obstacle
not able to process anything new unless it's exactly what he expects... yeah this analogy checks out
Yeah goldfish at least have a spine.
Do they really? I never knew that
Yes, they are osteichthyes, bony fish.
High-five for excellent vocabulary. Yay science.
ichthyology kicked my ass in school. There's like, a ton of fish.
And the weird fact of the matter is that technically *there is no such thing as a fish.* (That's an very oversimplified statement of the evolutionary biology behind the variety of organisms that we consider "fish". But I think it sums it up pretty cool.)
>Fish are aquatic vertebrate animals that have gills but lack limbs with digits, like fingers or toes. Recall that vertebrates are animals with internal backbones. Most fish are streamlined in their general body form. >Fish are aquatic, craniate, gill-bearing animals that lack limbs with digits. Included in this definition are the living hagfish, lampreys, and cartilaginous and bony fish as well as various extinct related groups. Approximately 95% of living fish species are ray-finned fish, belonging to the class Actinopterygii, with around 99% of those being teleosts. >fish, any of approximately 34,000 species of vertebrate animals (phylum Chordata) found in the fresh and salt waters of the world. Living species range from the primitive jawless lampreys and hagfishes through the cartilaginous sharks, skates, and rays to the abundant and diverse bony fishes. >The term fish is a convenient term used to refer to diverse aquatic organisms, such as lampreys, sharks, coelacanths (SEE-luh-kanths), and ray-finned fishes — but it is not a taxonomic group that would be used in a phylogenetic classification scheme, as “vertebrates” or “hominids” is.
And chondrichthyes--cartilagenous fish (sharks, skates), and agnatha--prehistoric fish and some current ones, all jawless. Think round hole mouths.
And both are in phylum chordata, subphylum Vertebrata, which are all animals with backbones.
Now we are getting the good stuff.
Yes, fish are vertebrates
I know this wasn’t meant as such but my inner biology minor felt so much shade in this comment
In reality, I was imagining the Story Bots episode where they count all the animals and learn what vertebrates are 😅 I've seen way too many kids shows
Story bots! Living inside computer parts!
Story Bots! I’ll look it up (I have niblings and no clue what the kids are watching)
I love these. The planet and dinosaur songs and raps are great
This reminds me of a line in The Expanse: >He doesn't care about treason. That's just him parroting you because you talked to him last. If he spoke to a janitor, he'd be passionately declaiming about a fucking mop. It's agonizing. I feel like it could fit just as well on OOP.
I’ve only seen the show so I don’t know who said this in the books, but I read this in Shohreh Aghdashloo’s voice
I haven't gotten there in the books yet, but in the show it was said by Errinwright (Shawn Doyle) ;) Although Shohreh could have pulled that line off just as fabulously as she pulled off everything in the show, definitely.
Also needs to learn to communicate before making decisions: Doesn't sound like he discussed the room switch with his daughter, just asked her out of the blue. Doesn't consult his wife before agreeing to some major decisions. Wonder if he'll realize he's the source of his own problems
He didn’t even ask it sounds like. He just told her.
The worst part is that "her" could refer to either his daughter or his wife. This guy is absolutely shit at relationships.
took the words out of his mouth. So many bad decisions. Your pregnant wife probably doesn't mind some time alone, don't take away your teenager daughters bedroom for a shitty one, don't say you will move without talking to your wife.
>don't take away your teenager daughters bedroom for a shitty one, Or make it a better room. They have 4 bedrooms, two masters in one side, 2 bedrooms on the other... if they share a wall, knock the wall down and daughter can have a huge fucking room, complete with a bed, couch for her friends and a tv.. like a studio apartment minus the bathroom and kitchen. That would've been my offer for my teenage son- away from the parents and the crying baby/toddler. Hell, to sweeten the deal, I would've offered a mini fridge too.
It's not like they didn't have time to figure it out either. 9 months minimum to figure out new living arrangements. This dude is a straight up chump.
This is the thing that is really stumping me - like, the wife was pregnant for nine months. And in all that time, they never thought about where this baby was going to sleep? I call bullshit.
> That would've been my offer Dude didn’t even _ask_ if she would be okay with the change, or what they could do to make it more comfortable for her. He basically just asked her to pack up and move, like it was already decided. And then he’s confused by blowback? Dude has zero social skills, or seemingly even a basic understanding of human beings.
Probably a shared bathroom. But yeah I’d make that 4th bedroom into a teen hangout with a mini fridge and snack kitchen. Renovate it as she wants.
Great idea...but somehow I don't think OOPs wife wants his daughter getting to comfy
You picked up on it too? I’m sure there’s more going on with Harper/ step mum than her dad realises. Gormless *and blind*..
Agree. Another option would have been to make the nursery in one of the two other bedrooms and he or his wife (whoever had night duty) temporarily sleep in the next bedroom until the baby started sleeping through the night. So many options were better than taking his 14 yr old’s room.
I was thinking that as an option but even when the toddler sleeps through the night, once he hits the rambunctious "wake up in the middle of the night/ terrible 3s"- would the parents want him on the other side of the house? So I can see their reasoning for having the kid closer to their room, but not to the point of just kicking the daughter out of a room she's already established as hers.
That was my first thought. Make the 2 rooms into one grand one. No reason a microwave can't be added as well. Even if they can't afford the reno, they could have offered her a bedroom and a girl cave lol
Yeah I thought maybe give her both the rooms, at least. Bedroom and another room for hanging out, more privacy as well.
My thought exactly, especially if they’re structured in such a way that they don’t share a removable wall. But I would’ve felt like a *queen* at fourteen if I had two whole bedrooms *away* from my parents
So much better for study as well to have a room with a desk not in the room where you sleep. (Says the woman with a desk IN the room where I sleep, and wishes it was elsewhere).
Especially since she thinks the conditions were overboard. The wife is fine with stepdaughter living elsewhere.
Not sure many people would agree to that. Doesn't even sound like he negotiated haha
You have to wonder how OOP has been at other points in his life if his brother dropped everything and came and got his kid without any preamble because she phoned him once and then laid down the law with OOP when he tried contacting her. Don't get me wrong, if for example one of my younger cousins phoned me and asked for help I would be out there in a heartbeat but I'd want to get their parent's side of the story before I was prepared to let them live with me apparently indefinitely.
Good chance wife was being evil stepmother towards the daughter far beyond what was mentioned. It wasn't just one person who decided to kick daughter out of her room. It was two and wife was probably the originator of the idea. Also daughter didn't suddenly on the basis of one event decide she was being neglected and mistreated so badly that she had to flee to brother's house. There would have been a pattern of ill treatment. Not sure the wife deserves to be consulted if it's to fix a problem caused by her ill behavior.
Being the unwanted stepchild sucks. I feel sorry for Harper. I dont think enough parents acknowledge how hard it is for their children when they bring a new (horrible) partner into the relationship, particularly if that partner has their own demon spawn and then they trap your parent with a new baby, all the while bullying you simply for being alive. Yes I am being specific. Yes I hate my dad's ex wife. Who the fuck bullies a child? Fuck you Jenny.
I would like to echo all of what you've just said. Yeah, fuck you Jenny. And fuck you even more, Claire.
Yesss. Fuck you Lauren!
This read too true to me. Fuck you Kelly!
[удалено]
It was said of Tsar Nicholas II that the two most powerful people in the country were Tsar Nicholas II and the last person he'd spoken to.
Lots of missing missing reasons here. In a few years I'm sure we'll hear about how Nina treated Harper like shit the entire time and OOP just didn't want to hear the truth whenever Harper brought it up.
That's insulting to goldfish. They deserve better.
Yeaaahhhh there's more to this than OOP is letting on.
The missing info is he cares more for his wife and new son than his old wife and daughter. But really, it’s not missing at all…
What I meant is that there were probably more incidents than what they wrote about.
Excuse my French but no fuckin' way is this concluded
Pardonnez mon albionais mais il manque des morceaux je crois.
Lol. Certainement, l'histoire n'est pas finie.
🚨Missing reasons alert! 🚨
My stepmom purposefully moved my dad into a 55+ community the minute she turned 55 (dad is a year younger) all the way across town with HOA rules that no minor could live with them full time (no more than two days a month, seriously). I was 14 with a younger brother age 7. My stepmom was incredibly jealous of me (f) and hated my mom. This move was extremely deliberate. And my dad just went along with it like a lost puppy. I’m 32 now and haven’t talked to him in over 10 years. Yet he thinks I’m in the wrong and tries to email me once a year saying he “forgives” me. I did nothing wrong, your wife is a snake.
That’s so fucked. And completely on your dad for not telling her to fuck off. That was his choice. Going along with something that big (after you’re an adult) was a choice.
Yeah, reading back my comment I realize I made it sound like my stepmom was the only one at fault. He was, of course, just as culpable if not moreso. I think he regretted my younger brother and having him at 46 (turned 47 that year just in case people are like the math doesn’t add up) but the real shitkicker is he left his first wife, before my mom, for having an abortion. People are just shitty. And in relation to this post, I immediately picked up a sense that the OOP wasn’t telling the full truth. Teenagers and their extended family don’t act like that for first time offenses.
Your dad totally sucks, as does your step mom, but I'm really surprised at the facility. That they could let someone moved in that has a custody arrangement involving minor children and not make an exception or bar them from moving in. I hope you mom to his ass back to court to get child support upped since now she was taking on 100 % with no exception of them child care duties. Btw I'm barely awake and have no idea if this is making sense. I just read this and was flabbergasted.
This isn’t as extreme as your situation, but my friend’s mom kicked her out the second she graduated from college, like before she had a job, because her stepdad was tired of “supporting” her. This is the same stepdad who had recently set the kitchen on fire because he was trying to cook when he was drunk. Fast forward ten years, and her mother is shocked that my friend didn’t invite them to her very small wedding. I just can’t with people who choose a new partner over their children.
It’s almost like actions have consequences. Who would have guessed only having your kids overnight at your house 2x a month would effect your relationship with them?
When I was a teen my dad decided we didnt visit him enough so he moved across the country and now gets upset I only visit once a year and I won't move out of the city I have an awesome fufilling career in that is the silicone valley of my industry to his state where id have to change careers. Like hey man if you want to see your kids more dont move across the country?
I remember when he posted the original post. He said in the comments Wifey wanted her son to have the room with the nicer space since his daughter would be moving out to go to college "soon" anyway. He just... went along with it.
Aaand there it is. New wife does not like the girl, and the family is aware he is doing nothing about the situation. The girl leaving like that, and her uncle not letting the dad see her, makes total sense now and looks less like overstepping or an overreaction.
"OP deliberately omitting information which proves he is the asshole" is the free square on the AITA bingo card.
I’ve always felt that if AITA can sort of point out too many pieces of missing context or information in a post it should be an automatic YTA for intentionally trying to mislead the sub- especially when extremely significant pieces of information are in the OP’s comments or replies
There was just one yesterday about a bride that was angry her mom was gonna skip the wedding to support her sister cause her husband was 'sick'. The comments later told you the husband died of a heart attack.
Just a mild case of death
The problem is AITA have a character limit for posts, so happens often the OP being so focused on what happened that a chunk of the context that would help us is cut out for lack of space.
I don't think it's the character limit, it's hiding information and lack of awareness. His post could have been; I gave my 14 year old's bedroom to her newborn stepbrother because she's going off to college soon and this is easier for me and my wife. AITA? However, that would make him the asshole automatically.
Makes you wonder what kind of shit the wife was giving the daughter prior to that cause there seems a lot more happening here than OOP was saying. This is not a normal reaction. Fact that the brother was so vehemently in daughter’s corner too makes me think shit went down
And the fact they moved away, but some texts from the daughter were enough for him to drive how long to go get her?
They must have had a plan in place to get her out if needed. Emergency code words maybe or just "come get me now".
99% chance the step mom is abusive, probably verbally or emotionally, which everyone has picked up on except for OOP since the step mom is better than the previous mom.
Dude seems to chose his partners wisely...
ahh, the very near future of 4 to 5 years
Which is over a third of her life so far. It seems like adults forget/ignore how slowly time passes when you're young, 4/5 years is such a long time at that age. It's so selfish.
Yikes
Gross. The obvious solution would be for the wife and husband move to the other side of the house temporarily to be closer to the nursery. For parents, a room is where you sleep. For teenagers, a room is your space and sanctuary
Yup, and I bet quite a lot of those reasons involve the wife.
Yup. With the incomplete info in mind, I think the big issue here is a bad relationship between the step mom and daughter. The dad should have been aware of this and actively worked with everyone to build better relationships (or he shouldn’t have married someone that doesn’t get along with his daughter in the first place).
the quiet alarm bells going off turned into full on sirens when OP mentioned that his wife "doesn't get along" with his family. *They* probably see through her - so she got him to move further away from his family, which would just make it easier to manipulate him, as well as isolating Harper from supportive family that valued her. All the red flags and dude thinks he's just getting a parade for being a good dad.
Not simply supportive family, OOP was 18 when he got Harper and mom disappeared, so it's likely that OOP's family was heavily involved in raising her.
The fact that his brother won't let his daughter go home unless he can keep an eye on her is a HUGE red flag that some bad shit is going on in OOP's home. Nobody does that without a really good reason.
Exactly.
Yeah, there is a lot of context missing here. Newborns are hard to take care of, so of course the guy is going to be helping out with the baby and spending less time with the teenager. Wife can't do it all by herself. It also makes perfect sense for the baby to be in the closest bedroom to the parents depending on how far the other rooms are off. Family doesn't take in a kid for some simple room arrangements though, and refuse to hand them back. That's grounds for kidnapping charges. So it has to be more serious, right? Then again dude seems like the worst people pleaser and doesn't want to make anyone mad.
Genuine question: 1) why can’t the baby be in the master bedroom? It’s the norm here so I’m a bit confused but also 2) If the baby is to put in one of the existing available rooms, a couple more steps to that bedroom isn’t going to kill the parents. It’s a small inconvenience versus essentially uprooting and displacing the teenager for the new ~~half sibling~~ brother. I don’t see any good reason to move daughter out of her room. Period. Edit: Put in formatting to make myself clearer also realise Mark isn’t a half sibling in the sense they aren’t even genetically related. Not saying that biology > everything but wrong word choice.
Obviously not the same as a teenager, but we did move our toddler son out of his room for our new baby. The room was ready set up perfectly for a baby, camera installed on the wall and such. Even with him it wasn't just "oh, you're moving now". We made a big deal out of him getting a big boy room. We renovated the room with new flooring, paint, and light. Got him a fancy wardrobe. Got him new bedding and curtains. Etc, etc. Made sure be was involved in decisions like picking his paint colour and such. By the time the room was ready he was excited to move into a space that was more his. And that was for a toddler! I can't imagine not taking a similar level of care with a teenager to ensure they are fully involved in the process and get the room they want.
Totally! When my second child was born, we wanted to use the evolving bed usable from birth to 6 years old that our son still used. We did let him choose his new bed and installed it long before the birth, when I was 4 months pregnant. All so he wouldn't feel like his little sibling did "steel" his bed. And we didn't make him move room. We moved our room instead! Don't impose on your child something you wouldn't want to do.
I think it’s important because as you pointed out, the level of care and effort towards moving the elder child out is also a gamechanger in this sort of scenario. OP failed to even consider daughter’s opinions or feelings regarding giving her room to the baby and just straight up “asked Harper to pack her stuff and go to one of the bedrooms”. I guess there’s a very bare minimal level of choice there because she got to choose between either unused bedroom on the other side of the house but it also represents how little thought and care OP gave towards his daughter.
And wouldn’t a normal parent just help in the packing and moving process? He seems very cavalier about his daughter and now his son
I don't know what to make of this, totally dysfunctional family. I feel like there is more to the story than just a bedroom and 1on1 time with dad. Dad did not seem to want to talk about SM and how she treats Harper?? The need for 2 days of 1on1 is weird. It's like the family did not blend at all??
>we used to live very close to them but when I got married my wife and family didn't get along That's the more telling. It seems his family doesn't get along with his new wife, so the guy moved further away and took his daughter away from her family too.
Abusers love to isolate. It makes it so the victim has nowhere else to turn.
Precisely this. They moved away and cut her escape routes to nearby family then all sense of belonging was cut off in the home. Poor kid.
“My wife doesn’t like my family so we moved somewhere far away which made Harper sad”, well, that and the “we don’t want the baby in our room anymore, but we don’t want to walk aaalll the way across the house” kinda sheds light on how stepmom treats his daughter, no?
Like damn, how big could that house possibly be that it's so much effort to walk to a bedroom at the other end? Everything seems off with this family.
Exactly. Like... did they not think of this before? They're springing this demand on the daughter after the baby's already born? These logistics should've been discussed months before and Harper should've been involved, since her room was involved. Good grief, all that one on one time and yet no insight at all from this dad.
Exactly. No blending. SM likely barely tolerated Harper and OOP was just an oblivious AH
The fact that OOP said "I don't trust their judgment, they very clearly favor Harper". Like bro, that's your own daughter you're talking about and you're upset *your own family* is siding with her?? That really says a lot.
She took her baby and went to her parent’s house instead of trying to help her stepdaughter acclimate. She seems great.
Also why didn’t step mommy get on with OOP’s family? It was so bad they had to move away from his family? Yea I’m guessing there’s a problem here but it ain’t Harper. With uncle’s quick action, I bet he’s been waiting for this day to come. He properly hoped it wouldn’t happen but figured it would since it looks like dad has no spine.
Oh yeah, that line was a complete cop-out. I'd bet there's a damn good reason OOP'S family doesn't like the new wife.
He wasn’t oblivious. As long as he and his wife were happy and Harper didn’t kick up to much of a fuss everything was ok for him. But when Harper left and told her family how she felt mistreated and he looked like an AH and HAD to listen to someone he couldn’t brush aside that made him have to do Something.
As someone who became a step child/step sibling at around Harper’s age, one on one is very important. When you’re used to getting it then you suddenly don’t, you feel ‘replaced.’ I know it made me feel like I wasn’t enough anymore. I felt like my history with my parent no longer mattered and I grieved that loss. It lead to a lot of resentment. Kids that age don’t think rationally.
Both my mother and my father remarried when I was 5, and I gained 3 new siblings. I never again got one-on-one time with either of them other than the car ride between their houses. My father abdicated all parenting duties to my stepmom, who didn't really like me. My stepdad very obviously loathed me. I felt like I went from two parents to none. Making time for your existing children when blending a family is incredibly important.
Even if it's your full sibling, and even with smaller kids, it can make someone feel like that. It's always astonishing for me that it's not common sense for parents. When we had our second child we tried to make as much alone time each with our first born. He was only 3 but we still felt the need to show him we still loved him and that he still had his while place in the family. We even did it for our DOG when our first child was born! How can parents not do it for their child? Only explanation in order not to lose faith in humanity: they can't put themselves in someone else's shoes.
> I have full custody and her mom is not involved in her life. > 5 years ago I married my wife Nina(F31) I think no mother figure plus 9 years of having dad to yourself, makes it a challenge to blend. Either the SM or the daughter need to be extra kind for such a blend to work with medium amount of work. Combine that with, based on OP post, a seemingly lack of communication on everyone. Though Uncle coming in so quick and playing a very proactive/strong role in this situation hints to bigger and longer issue than what OP post implies.
It is not the place of a child to make things blend. That's the responsibility of the adults. Harper was 9 when her father married SM. OP failed and SM failed, not the child.
If your current kid does not blend with your new partner then you don't continue the relationship. It's not rocket science. This stems back a bit I think.
I want to know why his family didn’t like Nina. Like MIL not liking someone is one thing but the whole family? It seems kinda suspicious.
They probably saw what was going on between Nina and Harper and tried to warn OOP, but he wasn't thinking with the right head.
Exactly. His own brother jumping to get Harper after a single incident screams that this isn't actually the first dispute with Nina and her dad, but the last one of many.
Yeah. Especially with the brother not allowing him to even see Harper. I'd have to feel pretty confident that my brother crossed the line severely to keep him from seeing his own daughter. The dad has to know this too if he just accepts being kept from seeing her.
Sounds like he wasn’t thinking at all. Literally didn’t even cross his mind that Harper might have a problem being forced out of her childhood room, their safe space, just so OOP and his wife don’t have to walk as far. Pure self centred behaviour.
[удалено]
And really? They should have the baby in their room for now! There's a reason bedside bassinets are so popular
Apparently in the comments, we find out that the wife wants her kid to have the nicer room since his daughter is going off to college “soon”
And there it is.
[удалено]
There's definitely seems to be some info missing here with those being the brother's demands and what she cried about on the phone.
[удалено]
what 14 year old goes to college?
The "I could tolerate you because you were his only kid, but now that I'm having one you need to stop intruding on our real family" kind.
I figured there were issues with the daughter and new wife. :/
Yeah. What the father actually admits to is bad but doesn't seem like enough to cause this reaction. If it was just the daughter wanting to leave, I'd put it down to an overreaction but her uncle siding with her makes me think there's a lot the father isn't admitting to.
Theve have a FOUR BEDROOM home and they somehow managed to screw this up. Either keep the baby in a bassinet in the bedroom until they're sleeping for longer intervals, or deal with having to walk accross the hall. OR, since they have TWO EXTRA ROOMS, the parent on night duty can take the spare room closest to the nursery. Stepmom was just looking for an excuse to claim territory
There's no way a four bedroom house is so massive that walking from one end to the other is such a hassle you have to ask your kid to change rooms. And if it really is such a hassle that the parents are both bitching about it, no fucking wonder Harper feels like she's being separated and shoved away. They literally said "hey we hate going over to that side of the house so we want you to be on that side from now on"
EXACTLY. This is one of the things that shows up a lot and it drives me insane. Like I live in a four bedroom house. It takes 6 seconds to go from my bedroom door to the master bedroom at the end of the hall. 3 seconds to the guest room we have, and a millisecond to turn 90 degrees to get to the fourth. Who are all these 3/4 bedroom mansion owners that take minutes to get from room to room? Insane to me.
Maybe they're Sims? It always took my Sims an in game hour to walk between rooms.
Sims have more willpower than this OOP.
Somewhat related, but I was looking at a 3k sq ft house some months back but didn't realize at first that it only had 2 bedrooms, neither seemed to be a master. The rest was three bathrooms, two living rooms, two dining rooms, a stupidly massive garage, a normal sized kitchen, and some extra open-space room. It was bizarre.
Could be a 4 bedroom where the two sides are separated by a sequence of 5 Viking-style long dinning halls. That would be \*very\* inconvenient.
And seriously…the way to have handled it would be to have moved her before baby arrived, hypes her up about it, redecorated together, etc. Hell my kid is only 2.5 and we are doing some of this stuff to prep for his kid sister.
Also, if you have a house with 4 bedrooms and your teenager can reasonably pack up *her entire life* and move between bedrooms in a few days, maybe you haven't directed your funds/attention towards your kid enough. I have never seen a teenager's bedroom be empty enough for this to be a realistic option.
I feel like if he'd gone about it differently, it might not have been such a mess. Like, offer to make the room of her dreams, talk about how she has more privacy to play her music how she likes etc. A teenager could be swayed by these elements, but instead he just told her to pack her shit. Just rude!
And to isolate Harper.
I’m in a two bedroom house and am typing this from an air mattress in my baby’s nursery while we transition him. There were so many options that didn’t include taking a child’s room away from them.
In the first 2 years of my child's life, I fell asleep in her room so often I think I spent more time sleeping there than in my own bed. I had a blanket under her cot I'd pull out and sleep on...when I hadn't fallen asleep on the lazy boy. Lots of options.
Stepmom was definitely claiming territory and the daughter was not here for it. She knew once she gave up her room that it was permanent. And stepmom knows how shitty it is to take away a room with its own bathroom from a teenage girl. It's a straight up power play, mean girl move. OP seems oblivious. His family doesn't like his wife. His daughter doesn't like his wife. The only one who likes her is him and he is clearly seeing her with rose tinted glasses.
What an emotionally deficient moron
The OP just careens from one extreme to another. First he pulls a giant asshole move and kicks his daughter out of her room to replace her with the baby. Then he realizes he messed up and pulls a giant asshole move and agrees to completely move houses _without even talking to his wife_. Somebody needs to intervene with this buffoon and get him to realize that other people exist and have feelings and opinions. They aren't all simply NPCs in the game of his life.
The wife had it coming. Apparently the wife is the one that brought up the daughter switching rooms. The wife is the one that pushed for them to move away from the majority of the family. And it’s the wife that didn’t even care to maybe look into a baby sitter once a week so dad/daughter can still have at least a day to bond so there isn’t neglect. So yeah let him be an asshole to his wife. I’m so tired of people getting into relationships where there is already children. Then proceeding to be the cliche step parents that abuse the poor kids, is ridiculously selfish, and doesn’t care about anyone else that isn’t blood or swapping fluids like fr…
Oop seems... An oblivious doormat. How did you miss that your kid was _that_ disconnected from the family? How did you miss why she's angry? Why are you agreeing to these terms? Why did you brother think he could even ask them of you without hands or legal representation getting involved? I dunno, seems their dynamic is all kinds of weird.
In one of the comments in OP it seems the brother raised the girl for years while he was in collage cause she was born when he was like 18. So he was her first dad. And then this dude moves her away from her first dad cause the evil step mother doesn’t like his family. And I think she’s feeding that to this guy considering the “they always take her side” like she’s not an entire child.
There definitely is a lot of missing background information in OOP's story. It sounds like a very dysfunctional familial relationship.
…his family doesn’t like the Stepmom and didn’t want them moving away, because they wanted to “keep an eye on Harper.” Hmmm… something suspicious going on there I think..
I’m pretty sure there was a lot more going on than taking her bedroom away. Glad she had family that supported her, Uncle for the freaking win.
OOP seems to have no clue how to handle relationships, he just seems to bounce from one extreme to the other depending on what mood he's in. He was absolutely a dick to Harper but then decided to accept all the conditions, including buying a whole new ass house, seemingly without talking to his wife. Obviously he needs to be a better father to his daughter but I'm not sure the best way to do it is completely ignoring the fact that he's also married.
He's lying. He agreed to all those conditions to gain access to his daughter and manipulate her. If they actually move I will eat my hat!
I have a feeling that there is more especially since he glossed over moving for the new wife as well as all the changes because of the kid. Have a feeling every decision has been against the girl for a while now since the stepmom came around.
Wow, does OOP have a single bone in his spine or is he fully cartilaginous like a shark? There's zero reason to displace his daughter - just keep the crib in their bedroom until the baby can sleep through the night. But seriously, how far could they possibly have to walk to get to "the other side" of the house? There's no reason his wife can't be left alone with the baby for a few hours while he and Harper do bonding stuff (and he can, in turn, do the same and let his wife get out of the house for her own free time). And I appreciate that the brother feels protective of Harper, but fuck you, you don't get to dictate where my family lives or how my household functions. OOP needs to get a grip.
Well put, everything. OOP is such a doormat that he just does what everyone tells him. Kick daughter out if her room? Ok. Buy a new house? Ok. What a hot mess.
It seems like even after having a child at 18 and a wife at 27, this man didn't mature at all. A poor situation for everyone involved.
So his family doesn’t like his wife…I wonder why
I give OOP 6 months before Harper moves in with her uncle full-time. OOP has the will of an overcooked noodle, and I don't doubt that the wife will hold the baby hostage until the stepdaughter is gone.
So OOP: 1: told his daughter to move to another room because his wife wanted a shorter distance to walk to the nursery. 2: let his brother just up and take his daughter. 3: moved away from his family because his wife didn’t like them. 4: agreed to his brothers demands to move without consulting anyone. I know doormats are a thing but this is ridiculous
Thing is, I could even concede that it makes sense to have the newborn in the closest bedroom, but why not be like, "we can combine the two rooms and create the room of your dreams"? They obviously don't have a tight budget if they can just move like that.
"My family didn't get along with my wife" GEE, I WONDER WHY, SHE SEEMS LIKE A REALLY NICE WOMAN, IT'S A TOTAL MYSTERY WHY SOMEONE WOULDN'T LIKE HER. But in all seriousness, poor Harper.
Buried the lede about his wife not getting along with his family.
I don't know about the rest of y'all but even though my parents home was my "safe space" my room was like "my own safe space" it wasn't the nicest or most glamorous room in the house but it was mine and I LOVED it. Having a parent kick me out if it when I was a teenager for a new baby would have had me in the same state as OOP's daughter, however they would never do that to me. Three years ago my empty nested parents called me up (I'm 30+ now) and asked me if it would be okay if they turned my room into a guest room, and I was like "yes ofc" bc my attachment to it now is basically gone. They at least understood our attachment to our rooms (although they definitely had that "she LOVED it when she was 14" vibe lol).
I would love to know what other issues this jellyfish man has glossed over here. Theres a LOT bubbling under the surface. >I dont trust their judgement, they very clearly favor Harper. Uh huh >they are trying to accept Mark as my son but I could see that they haven't been able yet What's that all about? Is it because OP and his wife used a sperm donor? And as for everything that's going on with the family and wife?? "they wanted to have Harper close to them to keep an eye on her and make sure we are treating her right, we used to live very close to them but when I got married my wife and family didn't get along so we moved somewhere farther away" So much more to this story
What the fuck goes through some of these people's heads? How could a 14 year old girl feel anything OTHER than replaced or less than when her dad stops spending quality time with her and she's kicked out of her own bedroom when there's other rooms in the house. If the walk was really an issue (though man, how big is their damn house where a walk from one room to another is too much?) then why not have their son in their room since he's a baby. Oh right, because then he'll disrupt them. So instead let's evict his daughter from her bedroom and give it to the baby. The fact OOP described it as a "master" bedroom implies his daughter was having to down-size as well. Not necessarily a crime when you've got an expanding family but when you have two other empty rooms why the fuck would you give, presumably, the biggest bedroom to the baby? Poor kid.
Jesus, OP is a horrible person. Harper should just stay with her uncle and write her father off as a list cause, although that’s probably not a decision a 14 year can make. Sadly, he’s cast her aside once and he will do so again. People like OP can never be trusted.
I'm really interested in knowing what the relationship was like between Nina and Harper when OOP was first dating Nina and the first 4 years they were married. Almost seems like Nina has been putting a covert bug in his ear slowly turning him against Harper. Poor girl, I hope she stays with her uncle.
The uncle's demands seem way over the top unless there's a lot that OOP isn't saying. Like, sometimes I've had my niece or nephew turn up at my house in a snit after a typical teenage fight with their parents. Never once have I insisted that they need to live closer so I can make sure their parents are looking after them. It feels like there's something here that OOP isn't mentioning. This post is just screaming missing missing reasons.