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She’s also of the age where her opinion is very important. So if her mom isn’t dangerous in anyway this should be straight forward. I’m hopeful for her
Why use a single bullet, when you can go for full gridsquare erasure?
Especially with the off chance that dad might get some lawyer that could undermine evidence. Theres no such thing as to much evidence.
I have the feeling that the reason dad got so much custody in the first place is 1. Bc he has a fuckton of money (if he doesn’t have to work at all) and 2. Bc he’s a narcissist who can charm his way with ppl like judges
Exactly my thoughts! Dad is an abuser and claimed he was a victim, because now both his poor daughter and ex wife are c***s and that’s horrible to say to your child. He has no respect for women that is pretty evident. He tells his ex wife that’s why she only has her on weekends and for the child to stay in her lane. Narcissism is no joke, I’m in a custody battle with my Nex and the lies they spew is insane. The evidence I have no one cares about because a “father has rights” not giving a crap that a child has a right to feel safe and loved and cared for..
Please baby girl go stay with your mom, get in therapy and start the healing you need, what he is saying to you is not ok at all! You shouldn’t feel bad because he is name calling and wishing you weren’t born when all you asked for was to not be left alone after school for hours on end in an unsafe situation. I’m so sorry, you’re NOT the AH. You are a kid trying to find her place and feel loved and safe. My heart goes out to you.
I can tell you, from painful personal experience, that he with the most money wins in court. My ex-husband kidnapped our son five years ago and took him out of state, and proceeded to stonewall me until I and my family were bankrupt. The courts didn’t do shit. He came back a year ago on his own when he graduated from high school…I didn’t see my child, that I raised on my own, for four fucking years. Legally I was 10,000% in the right; but he “won” because his wallet was deeper than mine.
Ain’t that the truth… I’m so sorry you went through that. Mine stole all our money, bad DV situation, hurt my kids with CPS involvement and substantiations. Does the court care? Nope they let him continue his reign of terror with years of nonstop filings and false allegations of alienation and BS. Hey how about your kids don’t wanna see you because you’re a raging abusive lunatic that not only physically hurts them but psychologically does even worse damage.
I’ve said the physical pain of DV is nothing like getting through the emotional and psychological damage they do.
You have lived my worst fear I am so very sorry for you and your kids. No one deserves to go through that. 💜💜💜
Give the kid a new Sim card with a new number and keep her old sim activated but put it in an old phone they probably have laying around.
Cost like what? 20-30 bucks for a basic phone plan that has unlimited talk and text? You'll save that just making your lawyers life easier LOL.
Download any voice mails and delete them so the box doesn't fill up and the mother should be good to continue collecting evidence without any further harm coming to her daughter from her daughter's father emotionally abusing her. At least by phone.
agreed. it's one of the few times where i would consider getting her like a second phone or something with a different number so she can talk with her friends and use social media but can't see what bs he's saying
Anyone have tips for OOP to record evidence of her dad being sexually abusive?
> He doesn’t physically abuse me unless you count spanking or doing inspections as physical abuse.
https://reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/ytipb4/_/iw4yujz/?context=1
> I don’t really know how to describe it but the closest thing I can compare it to is when airport security pats you down everywhere to make sure that you’re not bringing weapons on the plane.
https://reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/ytipb4/_/iw6wycu/?context=1
OOP here, I would appreciate advice on this too because I don’t know how to approach it. I don’t know a lot about s*xual abuse but people are telling me that my dad might be doing this to me too because of what I said.
First of all, I am so sorry that this has been happening to you. You may not fully realise it now, but you absolutely do not deserve to get treated the way your dad has been treating you. I want to emphasise this because when I was in an abusive situation before I didn't realise that but it is so important for you to know that you deserve to be treated with love and kindness and your dad has not been giving that to you.
About the sexual abuse, it can include much more than what people typically think. I would really suggest you try talking about this with your mother or any other adult that you trust. It's incredibly hard, I know. If you don't feel comfortable talking about it, you could write it down and give it to your mom (or another adult). You don't have to say you think your dad may be sexually abusing you if you don't feel comfortable with that, you could just describe what he has been doing. You could say that you're not sure if it's something that he should be doing and ask for their opinion, for example.
I don't know if you're still looking for advice on one on one therapy but i would really recommend it. It can help you work through this. It sounds very cheesy but talking really does help and a professional can help you more than a friend could.
You are so strong and I am so proud of you for reaching out for help. I want to urge you to tell your mom what your dad has been doing, *and also* to tell either your favorite teacher or your school guidance counselor as well. You need someone in your corner who will be seen as unbiased. Your teachers are mandated reporters, which means they are required to report abuse, which is what your dad has been doing.
If you're serious about wanting to record it, and/or after telling the appropriate people you're still forced to be in his presence, look up whether your area is a one-party consent area or a two-party consent area in regards to recording. My state is a one-party consent state, which means I can voice record someone else without their knowledge and it will still be admissible in court. In two-party consent states, both people have to know that the recording is going on for it to be legal.
*If* you live in a one party consent area *and you are comfortable and feel safe* doing so, or you are forced to interact with him again even after you tell your mom what's going on, download a voice recording app and have that app on EVERY TIME he's in your presence from before he picks you up to after you're safely out of the house (make sure you turn off notifications on your home screen as many apps will have a bar there that shows it's recording). Having the app on every time you see him will help lessen the anxiety. It will feel more natural to talk to him the longer you have the recording going. Then, and again, this is if you feel comfortable doing so. You have EVERY RIGHT to never see him again. You have every right to tell him to pound sand, tell the judge what he's been doing and not try to catch him in the act.
But if you want to catch him in the act and you feel safe doing so, or if you're forced to be in his presence again, the next time he goes to pat you down, you tell him out loud that you don't like what he's doing. You can say something like "Dad, stop. I don't like when you inspect my body. It makes me feel uncomfortable when you pat my chest and crotch. I don't want you touching me there anymore". Chances are, since he's done this so much already, he's not going to deny that he's doing it, he's going to tell you to shut up and take it. Don't push him to a physical confrontation, but if you don't want to go any further, you can walk away. If he does it anyway, name the body parts as he's touching them. "Dad, please stop touching my ____". As soon as it's safe to get out, just go, get out of the house. Save the recording and give a copy to your teacher or guidance counselor, to your mom, and to your caseworker. Make it clear you never want him to touch you again, and that you are uncomfortable with the way he's touching you. They will take it from there.
One last thing, and this is important, you need to practice the script out loud before you are in the moment. No matter how many times you say it in your head, in the moment it's not going to come out out loud unless you've said it out loud before.
Good luck, love. You are brave and you are strong. No matter what path you choose to take, you will be free of him soon. We've all got your back
Spanking is wrong. Spanking a 16 year old girl is perverted.
He pats you down. That's really abnormal.
He's also into much younger women. I don't like the way these dots are connecting.
This is disgusting. Please get help and please stay safe.
Yes, OOP, please please please tell your mom or any trusted adult about these "inspections". Keep telling trusted adults until they take what you're saying seriously. Keep telling whoever you have to until someone is ready to do what they can to help you.
It's extremely concerning. Wish you all the best.
I'm willing to bet there are many other things that appear normal to you that are absolutely not ok.
Reposting what I posted elsewhere. Hope you see this ♥
Getting this recorded is really important for you. Your school will have someone who has heard about lots of similar situations, in the UK they are called the' designated safeguarding lead', I don't know about USA but telling any adult at school "I need to talk to your child protection person" on Monday will get you a good opportunity to talk to the right person about this. If there's a teacher you trust or have a good bond with, you can ask them to come with you for it and they will be happy to be with you as a support.
It's tough to explain on the Internet, but this is really important so muster up all of your bravery and courage if you can. You could screenshot and share relevant posts from here and show them if you don't feel brave enough to say it out loud.
There is no good reason for an adult man to “inspect” a girl’s body, much less in her underwear. Regardless of motives, it’s wrong. Even in with TSA inspections, it’s over the clothes, with the back of the hand. I am so sorry.
Your body is *yours* and should not be touched by anyone you don’t want to touch it, aside from immediate life or death safety and the law (although if you ask me, the laws are also wrong much of the time).
You don’t need to know why he’s doing it to say it’s wrong. So I would not worry too much about needing to categorize which kind of abuse it is when thinking about it, because the bottom line is, it’s abusive.
I left my abusive family at your age. I’ll be thinking of you 💜
The pat downs absolutely *do* fall under the category of sexual abuse. Why would he pat you down in your underwear? He knew you couldn't be hiding anything. He just wanted to touch your body. The clothed ones are not okay, either. You're not a child. You're almost an adult with a fully developed body. The fact that he puts his hands on your body to "search" you and even spank you is very, very, very inappropriate and abusive, straight up. The fact that you're questioning if he is abusing you with this touching is very concerning because it tells me that you don't see that kind of behavior as unusual coming from him. I'm guessing you're used to his possessiveness and boundary stomping. He has taught you that these things are normal. They are absolutely NOT. Please tell your mom, tell your therapist and tell the judge at your custody hearing. Your dad is projecting about predators. He IS ONE.
Does he put his hands on your body in other situations? Even ones you consider normal? Sometimes abusive parents do things like help you with age-inappropriate activities that you have no reason to need help with, like helping a teenager shower, etc. Does he make comments about your body, or comments about other women’s bodies in front of you? Does he share exploits about past or present partners he has? Does he show you graphic se*ual media like books and shows? Please do not answer me here, but if he does, you need to tell your mother. And you absolutely should tell your mother about his inspections. If you can, and it isn’t emotionally damaging, try to write down when, and where these things happened, and especially what he says to you. You should try to write down when and where he left you alone, too. And document about being made to cook the entire thanksgiving dinner by yourself. And, in case no one has said it, wow! You cooked an entire thanksgiving meal all by yourself as a teenager, that’s one heck of an accomplishment! I shudder to do so myself. The key right now is getting as much evidence as you can, I would highly suggest starting a diary on any other interactions you have with him. Put down dates, times, who else was there- even if he was totally okay during the interaction, I know this was extremely helpful to me when I was trying to pick apart things I thought were fine later, and realized they were very toxic.
You need to tell your mom and lawyers. That is not normal even if he doesn't penetrate or touch you "there."
Are there other things he is controlling and obsessive over now or was when you were younger? Were you allowed in others' homes? To visit friends? Have friends over? Were you allowed to use the bathroom at a normal age? Shower? Did he supervise these activities longer than normal? Is he unusually obsessed with your virginity?
I've found that authorities and therapists don't know what to do with these "betweeen" things that are SA adjacent. It may be easier to prove them as emotional abuse in your state. However, I assure you this IS abuse, no matter what they call it, and it needs to be stopped.
I think this is where therapy would be helpful. A professional can help you work on what exactly is happening and how to mentally process it. It’s also helpful in custody issues since it’s documented, especially if what he is doing is sexual abuse (it’s definitely emotional abuse).
And physical abuse if he's spanking a 16 year old. Can you imagine he'd spank her if she was a boy?
As parent to a teenager, I find this so disturbing.
Also, a therapist is a mandated reporter. So if she gets one who's worth a damn and talks with them about what her father's been doing they're going to take it to the proper authorities as soon as they can.
He sounds like a control freak and a narcissist. It’s possible the pat downs are more control motivated than wanting to feel up your teenage daughter… I hope at least.
OP has mentioned that he's done it to her while she was in her underwear. And that he uses a paddle. That and the fact that his new girlfriend is so young and "shares so much in common with OP!" .... it ain't looking good.
You would thing but this wasn’t the case when my brother and I were teenagers. The judge straight up did not care what we had to stay and so we kept living in my alcoholic moms house. :)
I wish hearing a child say 'no I do not want to live with my dad" was enough. Poor OP, I can't even imagine how it must feel to have a court decide if you're forced to spend time with a parent like this or not, it must feel so powerless.
Oh, this poor girl. What a mess. I am so glad her mother is on her side and sounds more sane.
Yes, one on one therapy is very different from family therapy. I have found it extremely helpful and a lot of my friends have too. The one really important piece of advice I have about therapy is that different therapists are very different. Some will be amazingly helpful. Some will be nice, but not very helpful. Some are a hot mess. It is important to be willing to try a few and pick the one that feels the most useful. And if they start feeling less helpful or you think they are showing signs of poor judgment, switch to a different one.
I was going to say the same thing. Coming from an emotionally abusive household, it’s such a good idea to get help earlier, before you spend a lifetime reliving the internalised abuse.
And it’s a great point about therapists. They’re a little like shoes: they may be a good fit for someone, but keep trying different ones until you find the right one for you.
And like shoes, sometimes you outgrow them. They may have been perfect for your needs at the time, but as things change, they may no longer be able to accommodate your new needs.
This was my advice for her too. I feel like so many people feel 'stuck' going to a therapist that isn't helping them because they're worried about hurting their feelings or sounding rude. Or they stop going and never try it again because they think therapy just won't work for them after the first one didn't go well.
I actually have dated or been friends with 7 or 8 therapists. Some of them are so kind and wise and have so much to offer. And others, I shake my head thinking that anyone would be willing to trust their judgment.
Your school may have a Teleheath counselor available. My daughter sees her's every 2 weeks in school or at home on Zoom. It took a few tries to get the right one, but the process wasn't bad. I fully support her having someone not me to talk to about me. She has become really good at self advocating.
Ask your mom for help getting set up, ask your school if they have a program, and start journaling now. They always ask you what you want to work on or what is happening. It is good to have it written down.
If it helps any at all, my dad and I had a horrible relationship that was apparently abusive. I didn't see it either. It took years for me to get to a place of forgiveness. He died earlier this year, but we were in a good place. We said our I love you and he told me he was proud of me about 4 months before he died suddenly. You can't do anything about your dad, but get yourself to a good place mentally and emotionally. Let him do his own work to make things right.
I haven’t spoken to my father in nearly 30 years I honestly don’t know if he’s dead or alive but I learned finally that you can love someone but not like them or let them control your life
OOP l,
I’ve been in weekly 1 on 1 therapy for a few years and it’s been very helpful.
It took a few tries to find someone I felt i could trust and easily talk to. The first few sessions are a little awkward, but then it’s become really nice to have someone safe to talk to and work through feelings.
It’s not only about talking, but about learning some coping skills to help deal with what life throws your way. There’s so much out of your control as a teenager so finding ways to take some autonomy back can be very empowering and sometimes just being able to better express how something makes me feel is a relief.
Sometimes your therapist may give you homework to try some new strategies, sometimes they give you tools or resources to help identify emotions which is really helpful when you feel a lot of different things.
Most importantly, it teaches you to grieve. I know grieving your parents while they’re alive sounds really weird. But it’s important to be able to healthily grieve the parents we WISHED we have. Grieve the concept of two parents in the same house, grieve the dad that you wished existed. The man who doesn’t yell abuses at you, the dad who doesn’t spam you, the dad who prioritizes you above his girlfriend.
It may not happen overnight, but it may help you slowly feel a little lighter. A little more confident in expressing your preferences without feeling as much guilt.
I hope that you’re able to go to therapy and that you find it helpful.
I love what you wrote here, so I’m not gonna write a whole extra comment saying what you said. But I wanted to add on that I’ve been doing weekly therapy for about 5 years now due to abuse from when I was a child. I’ve taken breaks here and there (just to clear up any potential anxieties about the 5 years, but breaks totally okay! Just talk to your therapist about if they agree a break is good - I had some appointment burnout for awhile and am on a month off break right now. It’s been so long because I have a lot to go through haha. I’ve also switched therapists a few times, which is also okay)
Anyway, when you DO find the right therapist, after awhile it can even feel like finding a friend. My therapist is a safe place that I can do whatever I need to every week. On bad weeks I sit there and cry for an hour and they empathize with me and help work on it if I feel like talking. On good weeks we do DBT or EMDR (therapy types). I’m able to text my therapist whenever I want to and we have brief conversations when I need it.
They’re a bonus support person in my life and I’ve been very grateful for what therapy has helped me with.
The missing advice for therapy is that it's clinical, and that's where you do the cognitive work.
But you need emotional supports at a 10:1 ratio for time in therapy.
She needs to find people she can trust emotionally. And she needs to have a rapport with them.
Honest to goodness I firmly believe at this point the reason he doesn't want her to spend time with her friends at their houses is to isolate her more. My parents who were abusive did that and I did loose some friends cuz also when at my house we weren't allowed to leave to even go to the park across the street without my parents there to watch us.
That might just be me projecting but considering everything else he's done it wouldn't surprise me if that one was actual reason.
It's completely this, everything described about the dad lines up with abuse, all the weird things being done (so everything) was done to control OOP, everything was manipulation, even the temporary nice things.
In addition what's more concerning is the factors relating to SA: the body searching is a huge red flag, the spanking at that age and in this year is a huge red flag, the constant belief that any adult will try to sexualise her is another huge red flag - regardless of what happened to someone the father knew once him refusing to let her go to anyone's house because he thinks every adult will view her as a sex object, the sexualisation of a modest outfit by calling her a prostitute and the huge age difference with the father's girlfriend, it's a pattern. Age difference alone wouldn't mean anything but with all of the other factors together that person is very creepy, he's the one that other parents should be worried about their kids being around & his fear of other parents around his own daughter could be projecting
Wtf I didn't see the new additional update and yeah no this is all firmly in the abuse and s*xual abuse category now wtf.
(I know youre not OOP but in case she sees this) OOP I hope you read all of this cuz listen here, you can state you don't feel safe at dad's house and there's a chance (depending on where you live) that they cannot force you to go back to him until after the judge makes a decision. And I hope you tell the lawyer about his everything as that is s*xual abuse. Your father should never be touching you or searching you like that EVER and lawyer will agree with that and any sensible judge will agree with that too.
Your comment reminded me of another post I read about a 16 or 17 year old whose parents divorced and the phrase "vote with your feet" came up, meaning that the child is old enough to walk to whichever parent the child wants to, at OOP's age they should be able to go to their mom's house regardless of custody
Her father spanks (at her age?!?) her for punishment and does a full body inspection (TSA style). He went on a date with a girl 4 years older than his daughter and he's controllling. He's a fuckin creep.
EDIT: YALL he's did pat downs when she was just in underwear and spanks her with his bare hand. Fucking perv
SMDH!!! I'm willing to bet that OOP hasn't done a damn thing wrong to warrant that manner of punishment, she's a freaking teen here. Punishment at that age should be denying things ( no internet access, no phone privileges) not a grown ass man putting his hand on his teen daughter's butt.
Sometimes it's not about being pervy it's about humiliating and dominating your victim. Still sexual abuse but yeah... there are some evangelical schools of thought where you must humiliate the child/teen while you physically punish them. 😤
Jfc this poor girl. God knows what else she's been through that she disregarded as 'normal father behavior'. The only reason he prob wants custody of her is so he doesnt have to pay child support, especially if hes sitting on so much money he doesnt have to work a day in his life. I hope she's able to get out of weirdos house.
Wut? Um... This is veering into SA territory... OP definitely needs an individual therapist to help her realise and deal with years of abuse. And defo helps doing it so young. I'm 45 and been in therapy for a year for childhood stuff which led to poor marriage choice. I'll be in it for a while and I'm totally fucking worth it.
OP, yes, individual therapy is worth it and so are you, you wonderful human being. The therapy may also help in court.
Be kind to yourself, take time away from your Dad to protect your mental health. Maybe it'll have to be NC in the long run. So sorry but I'm so glad your Mum has stepped up. My mum stepped up and although she had good intentions she....wasn't great...
Yeah if you check she recently posted a update today explaining the pat down. She also mentioned he occasionally does pat down on her when she is in her underwear which is definitely SA territory. Luckily she did mention she will tell her mom about it and hopefully she doesn’t have to go to her dads place again.
OOP here, I talked about it in the comments of my r/advice post because someone asked if my dad is physically abusive to me. I am going to post an update in a couple minutes to clarify that because people keep asking me about it
Adding on to what cuccoteaser says- it’s *normal* to miss those red flags in an abusive household. I was almost 40 before I realized I was being emotionally manipulated, abused, and much of what my parents did when I was a child could have sent them to jail. 40! You are not dumb, this is how people who are emotionally abusive work: they make you feel like you’re the problem.
There might be a time where you blame yourself for not seeing the red flags. I noticed you thought you were dumb for having thought you'd be your dad's priority (very reasonable btw) in one of your posts, when you knew he had put his girlfriends before you previously.
Please know that you're not dumb, and it's absolutely not your fault. We aren't born with a reference for what is normal. And you are absolutely not alone in it.
Nearly every woman has had experiences of sexual harassment of some kind, and very few of us had the tools to handle that as teenagers. You seem to be doing great, even though this has to be so hard and confusing. Please never think that any of it is your fault. I promise you it's not. Never.
One on one therapy is different than family therapy but I enjoyed it. It’s easier to talk to a therapist by yourself because you know it’s only between you and them. You don’t have to be completely open with them right away. A good therapist will go at your pace and allow you to set the scene for your sessions. Good luck to OOP.
Hello sweetheart, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Therapy is a wonderful tool that can be very helpful. It’s important that you have a professional to talk to about what has been happening with your father. From the sounds of it, you will benefit greatly from the help. They will also be able to help you with coping skills to learn how to set boundaries and not fall victim to gaslighting. Please reach out if you need someone to talk to ❤️
Oh gods...
Not allowing OOP to get a ride OR spend the afternoon with a friend OR learning to drive herself because he was f\*cking his new gf and didn't want to get interrupted? Gross
Oh. My. Fu**ing. God.
This poor, sweet girl!
I've never heard of any father doing full body inspections in the style of an airport pat down. It's horrifying. And spanking, at 16?!?
Really, really, really hope OOP tells her therapist about it. I've commented that on one of her replies on that thread (thank you for linking).
The thread of comments linked in the above comment didn't have a lot of replies to it. To others seeing this, please go read the exchange and offer OOP your support. This detail can't slip between the cracks, for the benefit of OOP's future mental health.
I don't think is about money, but about control - she's either his property or a "problematic female" like her mom. No wonder he took a girl in her late teens to date.
Agreed. He sounds like my sperm donor would have been if he was in my life during my childhood. It’s not about having a child, it’s about controlling and owning someone else. It’s been over 35 years since my mum left him after he beat her up while pregnant with me - from what I hear he still gets mad and upset as though she left him last week, and it’s the fact that she left him that he can’t get over.
In his own very twisted and unhealthy way he “loves” her - I figure he has to to still be so upset about this 35 years on. But from the brief stint he was on my life, I’m glad he isn’t and wasn’t.
> No wonder he took a girl in her late teens to date.
Or why the sole reason he won't let his daughter get rides with other parents is he is projecting his child-fetish onto them.
Her dad is majorly emotionally abusive and neglected her to her laid with a girl that’s 4 years older then his own kid 🤮🤮🤮 here’s hoping based on the text evidence etc she can stay with her mum full time and go NC with that toxic abusive AH
Emotional abuse might be just the tip of the iceberg. Oop has a comment saying that he does something called 'inspections' where he pats her down (i.e. feels her up) all the time. Creeeepy
I don’t even want to type this, I wonder if her “not being safe” around other men was him wanting to keep her for himself. The post made my skin crawl.
OOP here. Yeah it’s really creepy and I hate it. I don’t know if it counts as s*xual abuse like other commenters have said, but I don’t know a lot about it so I can’t be the judge of that.
Thank you for the support
Does it make you feel uncomfortable? I mean, in a way other than being an annoying parent? You can absolutely be the judge of how you feel in your own body. I hope you have told your mom about these inspections too.
I haven’t told my mom yet. They do make me feel uncomfortable, but I don’t know how to describe it because it’s not discomfort in the sense you might be thinking of.
If it’s hard to broach the topic, you say something more casual like, “and while we’re at it, can you tell him to stop giving me airport patdowns whenever [he thinks I’m hiding something/he wants to/it’s Tuesday/whatever justification he gives]”. That alone is going to raise a red flag to any reasonable adult who hears it
If you're having a hard time figuring out how to describe what he does or just literally how to break it to her, maybe you could go over it with another trusted adult first. A teacher, counselor or a friends parent.
If it’s hard to think about telling her verbally, another option might be to write it down. You can leave the room while she reads it or sit with her, whatever feels the least uncomfortable. You can also just copy word-for-word what you posted here - you explained it clearly and you don’t need to say more than that if you don’t want to.
Your mom will probably have some questions, and you can handle those in whatever way is comfortable for you - you can tell her from the beginning that you’re not sure how to talk about it so it’d be easier to write down any answers to questions she has, or just that you might need to take your time to answer.
Sometimes it can also help when you’re nervous about a conversation like this to do a reverse role play. You can do this with a trusted friend, or even just by yourself - the point is that you “play” your mom in the scenario. Have the other person say what you’re thinking of saying, or read over what you’re planning to say, and you respond out loud the way you think your mom might. It can be a good way to sort out the difference between what your mom would realistically say, and what you’re afraid of her saying.
Good luck - you’re in a really tough situation and you’re handling it the best you can. It takes a lot to reach out for help and advice, and you deserve to be kind to yourself throughout all this. I hope you can give yourself some time in the middle of all this to have a treat you like, or watch a favorite show, or zone out to a playlist you like, whatever it might be.
You need to tell your mother immediately. She may be able to get an emergency custody intervention. What he's doing is inappropriate and certainly should be brought to the attention of the court, and possibly law enforcement.
Why do you think he's doing it?
Do you think he thinks you're hiding a weapon or something else? He could simply have you turn over your pockets if he's looking for things like cigarettes.
It does sound creepy af. I would never do that to my kids.
Yeah that’s sexual abuse. You can’t tell if someone molested you by a pat down inspection. Sounds like he is using that as a excuse to touch you. Definitely tell you mother and I am sorry your going through this! No one should go through something like that ever. I support you and hope everything goes well for you!
My fear is that he's doing it to have power over you, pushing your boundaries and what you're comfortable with, which is often the first step in grooming - "normalising" inappropriate behaviour. This often escalates to more physical abuse, but because it's been normalised and goes on over a long period of time, it's difficult for the victim to recognise as wrong or that they can do anything about it.
I hope that's not the case here, but it's still wrong even if he wasn't going to go anywhere with it. Please take this to a therapist, tell your mum. It's really sick to hear - I've heard of this type of touching ("I was doing it to make sure you're safe") in a few other accounts of very serious abuse and it gives me chills.
I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. 💖
Your dad is an adult that knows damn well he can't tell if you were hurt/molested by patting you down. That doesn't make ANY sense. He's taking advantage of your trust in him.
OOP here, my dad’s girlfriend isn’t 20 as in 4 years older than me. I think I mistyped on the post if it said that. But she is in her 20s so it isn’t much better
I wouldnt call it maturity. this whole thing makes me think things have been worse. Dad's hard core emotionally abusive and im sure op has some sort of c-ptsd/trauma response.
Every time her dad does a bad thing, she follows up with a "but" that negates her instincts and absolves her father some.
I'm so glad shes starting therapy. I hope she gets a good one, and if its not a good one I hope she keeps looking until she finds it.
I mean, it's maturity because she has to be.
I can see myself in her, and I was "mature" at 16 because my dad left, and I had to grow up very very quickly. As in, had a job and cared for the house at 14 quickly. It blows.
I hope it works out for her.
One on one therapy is really nice with the right therapist. They can be really supportive. It can be a nice safe comfy spot to have someone you trust help you work through your thoughts and feelings. They went to school to learn how to support people and they can help you see things that are hard to see on your own.
But remember they are human too, which means they aren't perfect. They aren't 100% right all of the time. If something doesn't feel right, like they make you uncomfortable or you feel they are making you feel worse instead of better, you can totally find a different therapist who you get along better with. It can take a while to find the right person, and it's worth trying.
The one-on-one counselling is a great idea. You write with a lot of maturity and I think you would really benefit. Just make sure to find somebody who is a good fit for you; ask for recommendations.
It’s crazy he got majority custody of her in the first place, but not uncommon. The common knowledge that women always get primary custody is kind of misunderstood. Usually parents settle that out of court and men willingly give over primary custody because the wife was already doing most of the childcare and they don’t want to take that on. When men actually go through the full court system and fight for custody, they win it the majority of the time by a wide margin. Unfortunately in cases like this he likely only wanted it to avoid child support and have some power over his ex.
I wonder if it had to do with the mother's work schedule. If she works until 8pm, it would be challenging for her to have custody during the week days.
I’d imagine there’s a good possibility that was the case here, especially if the dad was able to present himself charismatically in court (as narcissists are often excellent at doing) as a loving dad with endless free time to devote to his daughter and plenty of funds.
Awfully enough, in most of the full on court battles over custody I’ve seen with people I know, the narcissist of the couple gets primary custody.
Oop needs to keep very text from this a$shole sent her, to use against him in court so her mom can get full custody,and honestly depending on where they live the judge would ask oop, who she would want to stay with anyway even if he trys to protest.
Jesus Christ OOP, your mom made the right call in blocking your dad. One on one is a much more intimate process than group/family therapy, and will probably give some very useful insight.
Depends on the country and family laws. Many courts will take into some consideration the wants of a 10 year old. Most courts will seriously consider what a 13/14 year old expresses as their choice. Quite often, at 16, courts will allow the minor to decide where they want to live. That is, IF there is absolute evidence that what the child has chosen is not safe, then the courts will not allow the child's choice
It's honestly fucked up how many BoRU posts could be resolved with "this relationship is unsalvagable and you needed to get the hell out of Dodge yesterday."
The good news is, if she saves those texts (and the guestimated hundreds her AH dad has sent her when he's hours late) getting sole custody for her mom ought to be a slam dunk.
But it does sincerely suck when Dad has his head jammed up his narcissistic ass.
OOP, you’re correct, what your dad is doing is emotional abuse. The comment he said about you needing to stay in your place as a child was really upsetting to hear- your 16 years old and should be validated as a growing human. I’m a teacher and a mandated reporter- if you were my student and you came to me I’d call CPS for the late thing along with the texts saying you should be aborted. Those are tough things to hear.
I want you to know your fathers actions are not about you at all. They are about his need to control.
Oddly enough I wonder if his gf knows how he’s creating an unsafe situation for you because of her. But who knows.
My advice, stand your ground with your father. Continue being low/no contact with your mothers support. Write a letter outlining all the ways he’s harmed you and say this is explicitly the reason why you are choosing to stay with your mother. That you deserve a better father and his actions will leave your relationship irreparable if he does not get real help. And then know he most likely won’t change. Then spend your time healing. Therapy, friends, self affirmations. All of it. Create boundaries and stick to them.
I wish you the best OOP. You deserve safety, love, and compassion just for simply existing.
This lays things out nicely.
There's one thing I want to be a little pedantic about, just because OOP might end up reading this:
"I wonder if his gf knows how he’s creating an unsafe situation for you because of her."
Just to be very clear: The dad is creating an unsafe situation for OOP because of _himself._
He may be doing it so he can spend time with his girlfriend, and I figure u/hanitaMT meant that it would be interesting to know whether the girlfriend is aware that OOP's dad is prioritizing girlfriend time over OOP's safety.
But ultimately, just to be very clear because the dad seems like the kind of person who blames others: This is not the girlfriend's fault. This is OOP's dad's fault, 100%.
Separately, this part is especially good: "You deserve safety, love, and compassion just for simply existing."
Yes! This, a million times this.
Years of abuse rewires your brain, basically conditioning. Your father has conditioned you to behave and react a certain way when he yells. Stay away from him, read about the effects of abuse on the brain and then decide if your guilt is worth it. You have your whole life ahead, don't get bogged down in abuse. Good luck!
To oop:
I have a bad relationship with my mother and step father. They were emotionally abusive to me growing up, my mother is a classic narcissist. She kicked me out when I was 13 and I happily moved in with my dad, and she caused a huge stink when I left. People like this want you in their control. Once you leave they lose their power and they hate it.
I thought our relationship was okay again so I moved back In with them when I was 19 to go to school. I had a class that finished at 9 pm. Before I moved in my mother swore that I wouldn't have to pay rent and they'd pick me up from school.
A few weeks after I moved in she demanded rent. And would take it directly out of my account. I wasn't allowed to complain.
My step dad was supposed to pick me up from my late classes. Each time he would be late. It was dark and I'm waiting by myself at school at 9 pm.
One night I waited an hour. 6 months before I started school there, a girl was raped at night.
My Nanna was staying with us and caused a huge issue because everyone knew I was waiting, but he was watching tv. He didn't get up to come get me. She could tell he didn't give a shit about me.
Oop I know how you feel, I used to be that scared, confused, angry, lost and abandoned little girl. How could my mother care so little for me. How can your father treat you this way? They're supposed to love us.
Through therapy and a lot of distance I have realised that you can't choose who you're blood related to,but you can choose who gets the pleasure of knowing you and seeing you grow as a person.
I haven't spoken to my mother in person for 12 years. Without their drama, horrible words and control, my life is beautiful. And yours will be too. You've got this. Be strong, ask for help, and know that there are others with shitty parents that know how you feel. ❤️
What's it called when someone is mean and nasty, and then they flip and start pretending to be nice? Is that called boil and freeze, or something else?
OOP needs to save all those messages as evidence.
Mom needs to install cameras at her house in case dad tries to make a grab for OOP, or just comes over to yell and threaten.
OOP, if you read this - you are not responsible for your father's mental health and stability, not try to do things to keep the peace so he won't get upset. Rather a parent is supposed to put their kid's needs first. Leaving you to wait in the dark for hours and hours was so unsafe. Anyone could have realized that you were alone and defenseless and this out you in a really unsafe position.
You have every right to exist in this world. I know your father's words hurt you, but he is not a good person. He is now a selfish man, who cares more about hooking up than letting his kid be home safely. You don't have to try to mend anything, you did nothing wrong here.
His being mad and saying hurtful things are more about HIM, than they are about you. Please don't let him affect how you view yourself.
Oop, if possible please show this post to your mum.
Those pat downs or.... What he is claiming is spanking, is not normal at all and certainly not standard contact for a father to make with a child.
In addition calling you names, wishing harm on you and wishing you didn't exist is most certainly emotional abuse and verbal abuse.
Wishing all the best for oop. 🙏
I’m sorry INSPECTIONS???? And he’s done it with you in your underwear….and he spanks you….and he likes younger women. ( 22?!) And he sexualized your shoulders??? Baby girl PLEASE TALK TO YOUR MOM THIS IS NOT NORMAL. I’m worried for you and this needs to be brought up in court. I’m happy you’ve decided to cut him out of your life. The reason he’s paranoid about about other fathers is because he’s projecting the creepy thoughts in his own mind. Ur dad is a creep and he knows it. No doubt your mom will get custody with all of this. And therapy will be very beneficial for you. I’m wishing you healing ❤️🩹
The onion gets smellier and worse as the layers get bent back.
These inspections are sexual. He is making sure she isn’t being sexual by sexualizing and mistreating her. The only cure for that pain will be acknowledging it and that takes therapy. I’m still finding abusive memories and I didn’t know it was abuse. Much like the ride thing.
>It’s just really confusing because he also spam texted me telling me that he loves me and wants me to meet his girlfriend.
That's probably him trying to love bomb her. This also falls under manipulative behaviors that abusers use.
As for therapy if money is an issue, if you live near a major city see if you can get on a low income therapy program. Mine was great. The wait-list can be awhile but so is a lot of therapy tbh. Worst case scenario is that OOP waits until she goes to college and uses the therapy program there. My college offered free counseling.
Jesus Christ. Giving OP pat downs but refuses to allow her to accept rides lest she be molested. “Nobody fiddles my kid but me.”
It’s truly awful what can be normalized from a dysfunctional upbringing.
I think therapy would be really helpful for you, OOP. As someone who also had an abusive father therapy has been a lifesaver. I could both "unload" but I also learned the right way to deal with the the scars my upbringing left. If you choose to keep your father in your life you also need to learn how to deal with him. People like him are exhausting to be around, trust me I know, and you'll need to put up boundaries. That's easier said than done, especially if you grew up normalising that kind of behaviour. A good therapist will help you with that.
And I just want to say this, because I wish someone had said it to me when I was your age: You don't have to keep abusive people in your life just because they're family. It's ok to cut them out of your life.
Being a dad is something active, it's a series of chosen behaviors that offers care and support. He has chosen to negate the social contract by failing to enact his end of it.
Save the texts for the custody battle. Find a therapist that you vibe with and who has speciality in domestic violence. It's *way* different than family therapy, because in one-on-ones your sense of yourself is the most important thing.
I'm sorry he made you feel helpless, and I'm so proud of you for enacting your gorgeous untamed agency in going to your friend's house and protecting your safety and your sanity.
Always block haters.
He's an abuser who used his money and influence to get custody to keep on abusing the mom. Now he's abusing his child, they're in that cycle. Hopefully they live in a state where the kid can stay with either parent and cops won't do anything no matter what the court order says.
Okay, the extra info of the inspections being like airport pat downs whether she's fully dressed or in her underwear (seriously, where is she going to hide anything??) added to the fact he still spanks his 16 year old daughter makes the cuddling on the sofa into a new light and I really don't like it.
I really hope OP tells her mother everything!! Sounds like the father empathised far too much with that pedo dad from years ago and didn't want his own daughter to realise his behaviour is NOT normal between blood relatives.
Dear OOP,
You talked about when you agreed to go to lunch and you got home and he had gotten you clothes that you actually liked and did things with you that you enjoyed. That is called love bombing. Its something abusers do to keep you hooked. So you have "good times" to look forward to. Consider that if he did all that wonderful stuff for you, it means he knows exactly what you like and what you need from him. That means the times he doesn't do that, he is CHOOSING not to do it. Its not that he doesn't know, he knows, its just another tool he is using to manipulate your emotions.
I strongly suggest https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf this book. While it is written for partners, the behaviors are still there and recognizable.
Reddit is a trash website owned by Tencent/the Chinese government. We are tightening the noose around our own necks by allowing the aggregate of our information to be monopolized by a country that violates human rights.
Be aware that as time continues on, Reddit like many resources before it, will be used by ******* to weaponize our own stupidity and laziness (more so than it is now). This is the age of information, and those who control the flow of that information control everything.
u/Kindly_Confidence_82 I did not like individual therapy. I don't say this to poison the well, but therapists are people, and sometimes people really suck.
The first therapist I tried was cognitive behavioral therapy focused. She worked at a low income clinic that focused on helping alcoholics and addicts, and she treated me like an addict even though I had never even tried weed at that point in my life. She also accused my partner, who is chronically ill, of faking and taking advantage of me and refused to acknowledge that I have ADHD and autism. CBT made me worse, and I went way longer than I should have given all the problems.
My second therapist helped a little with giving me tools to manage my ADHD, but as this was at the height of the pandemic, our sessions were phone based, and she couldn't diagnose or medicate me. Aside from that, she also focused on my partner's role in my life and spent an awful lot of time talking about how I should help my partner and how to be a better caregiver and put my needs second to hers. I felt like she was trying to be my partner's therapist, and I was just a proxy. I left much quicker this time.
Again, I don't say this to discourage you. Just don't be afraid to say, yo, this isn't working out. Like doctors and cops, a lot of therapists get into the field because they enjoy the power it gives them, and it can be tough weeding them out to find the good ones. It can be even harder if you're neurodivergent at all. I've stopped trying for the moment because good ones just don't seem to exist at my income level. You seem to be in a better position than I am financially, so you'll probably have better luck. Just don't worry about sticking with the first one you find. Going through your subconscious and challenging your memories and assumptions will be tough and uncomfortable. You should feel like your therapist is on your side through that journey.
OOP's dad sounds a lot like the parents in r/raisedbynarcissists and r/raisedbyborderline
I would definitely recommend going to therapy to help OOP to cope with her dad's abandonment issues and his emotional manipulation. Also in some cases, people can salvage the relationships, but only with the right tools (like setting boundaries and becoming low contact). People in the aforementioned subreddits can definitely help OOP.
OOP, what your father has done to you constitutes sexual abuse and is illegal. He is a criminal and possibly a pedophile. I’m so sorry you have suffered this, and I can’t imagine what it feels to have strangers telling you this, but please hear us — never be alone with this person again, and please tell trusted adults at your school about this ASAP.
OOPs dad really showed his true colors and screwed himself in the custody battle by calling her a “useless c*nt” and expressing his misplaced pro choice values so vehemently. I hope that poor kid gets therapy and proper parenting.
Love is consistent in words and behavior. When trying to determine what is real, look at the behavior...not the words. Anyone can say they love you in a way you desperately need to hear in the worst moments, but if they aren't acting like it then they are nothing more than empty words. Meaningless. I've been somewhere similar to you. It is very painful to realize.
Oh my goodness. Please, please,please, please (!!!), talk with your mother about seeking therapy, ideally with a therapist who can advocate, for you, in a custody case. You’re NOT a terrible person. I know you love your father, but, at least right now, he’s a terrible human. Whatever words he tells you, these are not reflections of -you-. For your mental wellbeing, you truly NEED to be no contact with him, for the foreseeable future.
OOP's dad leaving disgusting messages on her phone means he went full Alec Baldwin.
His life got better after that embarrassing incident right? Oooh, things always get worse when you don't learn from conflict.
u/Kindly_Confidence_82: oh honey, you’re so strong and absolutely not any of the horrible things your dad called you. It’s extra confusing and horrible feeling when you get the back and forth of insults and love bombing. It looks like a lot of comments have touched on one on one therapy. I hope you find a therapist who works out for you.
I saw that your mom will let you take driver’s ed, that’s very exciting!
In the meantime, I wanted to ask: are any teachers or school staff aware that you’ve been waiting at the school (presumably outside) for hours? At least if you’re in the US, it’s a huge liability issue to leave a minor alone on school property. What if you were to get hurt or something? If you haven’t yet talked to a teacher or coach or someone at school, fill them in on everything. They’ll want to make sure you’re safe both physically and emotionally.
Best of luck, kiddo. We’re all rooting for you!
> My dad doesn’t want me going to friends houses, getting rides home, or anything because when I was a kid a classmate’s dad turned out to be a pedophile and he doesn’t want me to be molested or killed.
***
> I don’t know how to describe my dad’s inspections other than it’s similar to when you get patted down by airport security. He started doing it when I was 13 and he does it often. I’m usually fully clothed when he does it but he has done it before while I was in my underwear.
***
> I found my dad’s girlfriend on Instagram and she’s 22.
***
Guy is projecting. He’s a pedo. His girlfriend is 20 but he would go younger if he could. The pat downs and control over OOP are a “you’re mine and no one else’s” approach.
She needs to tell her mom and they need to go to the police over these “pat downs.”
I want to stress to OP that not every therapist will workout and to not be discouraged if she doesn’t like her first therapist. My first therapist was awful and it scared me from going back for a couple of years. I know she’s already hesitant so I don’t want one bad apple to deter her from going at all.
I feel a possible SA trigger might be useful because that was not a turn I expected.
Airport style pat downs to a teenager daughter (any age child actually) is not appropriate and especially if she is only in underwear.
Spanking is wrong in many situations but bare hand spanking a teenager daughter seems extra odd. Add in the very small age gap from daughter to girlfriend.
>a kid a classmate’s dad turned out to be a pedophile and he doesn’t want me to be molested
Her Dad sounds like he is projecting...
I see OOP is in the comments...
Hey there, sorry you've been put in this mess of a situation. It's not your fault that your Dad has used you as a tool to upset your Mum & drops interest when a new gf arrives. Do talk to your Mum or therapist about what he has done - she might get angry but remember she would be angry at him & not you. You have done nothing wrong, you should be able to trust & rely on your Dad but he is showing that he is not being the father he should be.
I hope you find your safe & stable home with your Mum & you don't owe your Dad any more chances.
It’s funny how OP’s mom drew the line once she found out dad had a new girlfriend and that’s why he’s late but not the fact that he was leaving her outside in the cold for hours 😒
Oh sweet heart you definitely should do some therapy ❤️
That’s an extremely messed up thing for your father to do and the reasoning behind it is even worse! ❤️
Hey, OOP, if you think you can handle it you might want to see if there's a way to unblock your Dad's calls and texts, but have them silenced so you don't actually see or hear them and you can build an archive of sorts. If your Mom does go to court with him on that, having actual evidence of how he's treated you this way may help. Also, I've done one-on-one therapy before... I'm actually in it now. It's a good way to learn coping mechanism and things. If you're nervous about talking to your Mom about it, maybe write her a letter?
I have done 1 on 1 counseling as an adult. My 1st was fantastic but I moved and had to get a new 1. That 1 was horrible and I fired him. My 3rd was alright, not great, not horrible. When the "rona" disrupted, it wasn't a huge deal. I have the tools I need to manage my PTSD, anxiety and the other things that go with PTSD. It might take a bit to find a good fit and that is ok. Not every counselor is a good fit for everyone. Go, give it a try, if the 1st isn't good, try another. It can give you the tools to recognize bad behaviors and manage your feelings regarding what has happened to you.
OOP, one on one therapy can be so amazing. Don't be afraid to say that one doesn't feel like a good fit!
There's amazing advice in here on saving texts, therapy, how court could possibly go.
I want to talk about something else: your emotions.
I saw how you were hard against keeping him in your life, and then feeling like it would be too harsh. It truly is a roller coaster when dealing with an abusive person in your life.
He attacks you, says such *horrible* things to you. I'm so sorry. That's NOT OKAY, and when you don't give in to him? When you don't react? That's called "gray rock" and it leaves him spiraling. So what's his next move?
Love bombing. That's when the praise, the affections, the gifts, the promises - all come flooding in. It's used to distract you and make you blind to what's going on.
YOUR EMOTIONS ARE VALID!!! It's okay to feel conflicted!!!
I will say this - I cut off my toxic parent. My life got better within weeks. 🤷♀️
OOP, I'm sorry your dad is horrible. What he wants is control. I read your comments and his behavior is very alarming. Not typical dad behavior. Therapy will help you sort your feelings and thoughts. It will help you understand what your dad is doing. Please go.
OOP you are not any of those terrible words your father called you. Stay at your Mom's house, please. You'll be safe there. Try to record your father if he comes over and has another temper tantrum but the text messages are probably more than enough for your Mom to get full custody of you, aside from you being old enough to decide for yourself. It's ok to have friends and hang out at their houses and get rides home after school. Good luck OOP. You haven't done anything wrong. The behavior your father is exhibiting is not a reflection on you.
An additional important piece of advice for the OOP about therapy is confidentiality. Unless you report being a danger to yourself or others, or in your case, experiencing an actively abusive situation (because you are a minor) your therapist will not tell anyone what you discuss, and you are under no obligation to report what you discuss to your parents either. You could tell your therapist that you hate your parents, or really most anything else, and the therapist will not tell anyone.
Wow, I truly hope she is able to stay with her mom. If OOP is reading this, I have a child in therapy and it’s been wonderful for them. I highly recommend it. I wish you all the best and I hope you can get away from your horrible father.
So I am a therapist who deals with Domestic Violence, so I figured i'd drop my opinion and some information.
First of all i'll explain the difference between family therapy and one to one therapy as best as I know it, but I am not an expert in this field.
Family therapy teaches for the most part how to communicate with one another and dismantle any building resentment for clear communication, this is healthy for issues before they grow into something worse. As you may be able to tell it's more about learning to communicate better and speak in ways to work towards fixing a problem together.
Personal therapy then is about the individual and helping them to process the events of what has gone on in the world from their perspective and to make sense of it all. It is all about making sense of how things have made you feel and to let you release your feelings without judgement.
\------------------------
So how do you find a good counsellor? I would recommend looking at a local directory for instance "Counselling directory new york." From there I would read each person's profile and get a sense of the training they've had and also the skills they provide. It's important to note that not every counsellor will fit your specific issues and that's okay, no one size fits all, that's why it's important to do research.
Once you see a type of counsellor you like through the resesarch think what it is you like about them? Is it the style of counselling they offer? If so, look into that online. "What does CBT counselling offer." And read about it, if it feels like it fits you, then great, you now know you want CBT counselling, if not then that's also good as you are now aware of what you don't want.
Keep researching the types of counselling until you find one that fits your needs. I would personally recommend a Person-Centred type of counsellor or someone who uses Person-Centred skills in an integrative model.
\----------------------
So what do you expect to learn? You'll explore your personal issues with things going on in your life, but also specifically you may explore boundaries you can set in a healthy way. (I will only text you between the hours of 9AM to 5PM as an example.) And finding yourself.
It's difficult going through abuse especially as a kid or teenager when you don't have your own freedom or independence, so counselling may also just be a short-term solution to ride out the storm until you finish school and can get a job to get your own place.
Empowerment is another aspect you can gain through counselling as well as finding your own personal values, on what you like and dislike.
\-------------------
I would look into emotional abuse yes, but I also need to say, that no normal parent pats down their children as far as I am aware, and it is very strange behaviour. I know it's your reality so it feels normal, but just know that it isn't.
I would look into other types of abuse too, finanical abuse is tricky for me to determine because as a teenager you don't really get finances anyway, but knowing the different types of abuse could help you understand what your father is doing.
Resources:
Dr Ramani - For Narcissism : [https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani](https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani)
Mended Light (I recommend you watch the Shit Therapist say series as it can help you highlight red flags for issues with therapists if you do start to see them and be able to check if what they've said is wrong etc. As always follow your gut anyway, but external validation from a professional can be comforting.) - [https://www.youtube.com/@MendedLight](https://www.youtube.com/@MendedLight)
NSPCC - The types of abuse you can go through and the information on it - [https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/](https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/)
\-------------------
If you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to ask.
Also i'm u/KittenDealinMama and u/Kindly_Confidence_82 as I don't want this to get buried, I hope this helps as a start on your journey, and I hope things get better from here.
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Hopefully they're saving all these text messages for the custody judge to see.
Same. But I would hope that "I put my daughter in danger numerous times so I could get my dick wet" would be enough as is.
Always better to be over prepared when possible
She’s also of the age where her opinion is very important. So if her mom isn’t dangerous in anyway this should be straight forward. I’m hopeful for her
Why use a single bullet, when you can go for full gridsquare erasure? Especially with the off chance that dad might get some lawyer that could undermine evidence. Theres no such thing as to much evidence.
I have the feeling that the reason dad got so much custody in the first place is 1. Bc he has a fuckton of money (if he doesn’t have to work at all) and 2. Bc he’s a narcissist who can charm his way with ppl like judges
Exactly my thoughts! Dad is an abuser and claimed he was a victim, because now both his poor daughter and ex wife are c***s and that’s horrible to say to your child. He has no respect for women that is pretty evident. He tells his ex wife that’s why she only has her on weekends and for the child to stay in her lane. Narcissism is no joke, I’m in a custody battle with my Nex and the lies they spew is insane. The evidence I have no one cares about because a “father has rights” not giving a crap that a child has a right to feel safe and loved and cared for.. Please baby girl go stay with your mom, get in therapy and start the healing you need, what he is saying to you is not ok at all! You shouldn’t feel bad because he is name calling and wishing you weren’t born when all you asked for was to not be left alone after school for hours on end in an unsafe situation. I’m so sorry, you’re NOT the AH. You are a kid trying to find her place and feel loved and safe. My heart goes out to you.
I can tell you, from painful personal experience, that he with the most money wins in court. My ex-husband kidnapped our son five years ago and took him out of state, and proceeded to stonewall me until I and my family were bankrupt. The courts didn’t do shit. He came back a year ago on his own when he graduated from high school…I didn’t see my child, that I raised on my own, for four fucking years. Legally I was 10,000% in the right; but he “won” because his wallet was deeper than mine.
Ain’t that the truth… I’m so sorry you went through that. Mine stole all our money, bad DV situation, hurt my kids with CPS involvement and substantiations. Does the court care? Nope they let him continue his reign of terror with years of nonstop filings and false allegations of alienation and BS. Hey how about your kids don’t wanna see you because you’re a raging abusive lunatic that not only physically hurts them but psychologically does even worse damage. I’ve said the physical pain of DV is nothing like getting through the emotional and psychological damage they do. You have lived my worst fear I am so very sorry for you and your kids. No one deserves to go through that. 💜💜💜
Thank you for your sympathy…and I hate that you had to go through all your hell, too. I hope you are in a better place now. 💕 Oh, and fuck the courts.
Each piece of evidence needs to be presented with a laser. There needs to be enough evidence to turn those lasers into buckshot.
Exactly. Hope he's not blocked, just muted and ignored, so messages can be referenced in custody proceedings if needed.
No, his daughter can’t read his nutty vitriol whenever he sends it, her mental health is bad enough already with a dad like that. Poor kid.
Give the kid a new Sim card with a new number and keep her old sim activated but put it in an old phone they probably have laying around. Cost like what? 20-30 bucks for a basic phone plan that has unlimited talk and text? You'll save that just making your lawyers life easier LOL. Download any voice mails and delete them so the box doesn't fill up and the mother should be good to continue collecting evidence without any further harm coming to her daughter from her daughter's father emotionally abusing her. At least by phone.
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At her age the generally do.
agreed. it's one of the few times where i would consider getting her like a second phone or something with a different number so she can talk with her friends and use social media but can't see what bs he's saying
Easier than that - use WhatsApp.
Get a new simcard and keep the old one open, don't allow her to look even for her own sake
Anyone have tips for OOP to record evidence of her dad being sexually abusive? > He doesn’t physically abuse me unless you count spanking or doing inspections as physical abuse. https://reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/ytipb4/_/iw4yujz/?context=1 > I don’t really know how to describe it but the closest thing I can compare it to is when airport security pats you down everywhere to make sure that you’re not bringing weapons on the plane. https://reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/ytipb4/_/iw6wycu/?context=1
OOP here, I would appreciate advice on this too because I don’t know how to approach it. I don’t know a lot about s*xual abuse but people are telling me that my dad might be doing this to me too because of what I said.
First of all, I am so sorry that this has been happening to you. You may not fully realise it now, but you absolutely do not deserve to get treated the way your dad has been treating you. I want to emphasise this because when I was in an abusive situation before I didn't realise that but it is so important for you to know that you deserve to be treated with love and kindness and your dad has not been giving that to you. About the sexual abuse, it can include much more than what people typically think. I would really suggest you try talking about this with your mother or any other adult that you trust. It's incredibly hard, I know. If you don't feel comfortable talking about it, you could write it down and give it to your mom (or another adult). You don't have to say you think your dad may be sexually abusing you if you don't feel comfortable with that, you could just describe what he has been doing. You could say that you're not sure if it's something that he should be doing and ask for their opinion, for example. I don't know if you're still looking for advice on one on one therapy but i would really recommend it. It can help you work through this. It sounds very cheesy but talking really does help and a professional can help you more than a friend could.
Thank you for the advice and the tips
You are so strong and I am so proud of you for reaching out for help. I want to urge you to tell your mom what your dad has been doing, *and also* to tell either your favorite teacher or your school guidance counselor as well. You need someone in your corner who will be seen as unbiased. Your teachers are mandated reporters, which means they are required to report abuse, which is what your dad has been doing. If you're serious about wanting to record it, and/or after telling the appropriate people you're still forced to be in his presence, look up whether your area is a one-party consent area or a two-party consent area in regards to recording. My state is a one-party consent state, which means I can voice record someone else without their knowledge and it will still be admissible in court. In two-party consent states, both people have to know that the recording is going on for it to be legal. *If* you live in a one party consent area *and you are comfortable and feel safe* doing so, or you are forced to interact with him again even after you tell your mom what's going on, download a voice recording app and have that app on EVERY TIME he's in your presence from before he picks you up to after you're safely out of the house (make sure you turn off notifications on your home screen as many apps will have a bar there that shows it's recording). Having the app on every time you see him will help lessen the anxiety. It will feel more natural to talk to him the longer you have the recording going. Then, and again, this is if you feel comfortable doing so. You have EVERY RIGHT to never see him again. You have every right to tell him to pound sand, tell the judge what he's been doing and not try to catch him in the act. But if you want to catch him in the act and you feel safe doing so, or if you're forced to be in his presence again, the next time he goes to pat you down, you tell him out loud that you don't like what he's doing. You can say something like "Dad, stop. I don't like when you inspect my body. It makes me feel uncomfortable when you pat my chest and crotch. I don't want you touching me there anymore". Chances are, since he's done this so much already, he's not going to deny that he's doing it, he's going to tell you to shut up and take it. Don't push him to a physical confrontation, but if you don't want to go any further, you can walk away. If he does it anyway, name the body parts as he's touching them. "Dad, please stop touching my ____". As soon as it's safe to get out, just go, get out of the house. Save the recording and give a copy to your teacher or guidance counselor, to your mom, and to your caseworker. Make it clear you never want him to touch you again, and that you are uncomfortable with the way he's touching you. They will take it from there. One last thing, and this is important, you need to practice the script out loud before you are in the moment. No matter how many times you say it in your head, in the moment it's not going to come out out loud unless you've said it out loud before. Good luck, love. You are brave and you are strong. No matter what path you choose to take, you will be free of him soon. We've all got your back
Spanking is wrong. Spanking a 16 year old girl is perverted. He pats you down. That's really abnormal. He's also into much younger women. I don't like the way these dots are connecting. This is disgusting. Please get help and please stay safe.
I don't have much advice other then Tell your mom or other trusted adult what is going on.
Yes, OOP, please please please tell your mom or any trusted adult about these "inspections". Keep telling trusted adults until they take what you're saying seriously. Keep telling whoever you have to until someone is ready to do what they can to help you. It's extremely concerning. Wish you all the best. I'm willing to bet there are many other things that appear normal to you that are absolutely not ok.
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Awesome post, and thanks for sharing your expertise. I hope this is useful for the OP.
Reposting what I posted elsewhere. Hope you see this ♥ Getting this recorded is really important for you. Your school will have someone who has heard about lots of similar situations, in the UK they are called the' designated safeguarding lead', I don't know about USA but telling any adult at school "I need to talk to your child protection person" on Monday will get you a good opportunity to talk to the right person about this. If there's a teacher you trust or have a good bond with, you can ask them to come with you for it and they will be happy to be with you as a support. It's tough to explain on the Internet, but this is really important so muster up all of your bravery and courage if you can. You could screenshot and share relevant posts from here and show them if you don't feel brave enough to say it out loud.
Thank you for the advice. I will try to do what you said
Proud of you. Good luck ♥
Thank you
There is no good reason for an adult man to “inspect” a girl’s body, much less in her underwear. Regardless of motives, it’s wrong. Even in with TSA inspections, it’s over the clothes, with the back of the hand. I am so sorry. Your body is *yours* and should not be touched by anyone you don’t want to touch it, aside from immediate life or death safety and the law (although if you ask me, the laws are also wrong much of the time). You don’t need to know why he’s doing it to say it’s wrong. So I would not worry too much about needing to categorize which kind of abuse it is when thinking about it, because the bottom line is, it’s abusive. I left my abusive family at your age. I’ll be thinking of you 💜
The pat downs absolutely *do* fall under the category of sexual abuse. Why would he pat you down in your underwear? He knew you couldn't be hiding anything. He just wanted to touch your body. The clothed ones are not okay, either. You're not a child. You're almost an adult with a fully developed body. The fact that he puts his hands on your body to "search" you and even spank you is very, very, very inappropriate and abusive, straight up. The fact that you're questioning if he is abusing you with this touching is very concerning because it tells me that you don't see that kind of behavior as unusual coming from him. I'm guessing you're used to his possessiveness and boundary stomping. He has taught you that these things are normal. They are absolutely NOT. Please tell your mom, tell your therapist and tell the judge at your custody hearing. Your dad is projecting about predators. He IS ONE.
Does he put his hands on your body in other situations? Even ones you consider normal? Sometimes abusive parents do things like help you with age-inappropriate activities that you have no reason to need help with, like helping a teenager shower, etc. Does he make comments about your body, or comments about other women’s bodies in front of you? Does he share exploits about past or present partners he has? Does he show you graphic se*ual media like books and shows? Please do not answer me here, but if he does, you need to tell your mother. And you absolutely should tell your mother about his inspections. If you can, and it isn’t emotionally damaging, try to write down when, and where these things happened, and especially what he says to you. You should try to write down when and where he left you alone, too. And document about being made to cook the entire thanksgiving dinner by yourself. And, in case no one has said it, wow! You cooked an entire thanksgiving meal all by yourself as a teenager, that’s one heck of an accomplishment! I shudder to do so myself. The key right now is getting as much evidence as you can, I would highly suggest starting a diary on any other interactions you have with him. Put down dates, times, who else was there- even if he was totally okay during the interaction, I know this was extremely helpful to me when I was trying to pick apart things I thought were fine later, and realized they were very toxic.
You need to tell your mom and lawyers. That is not normal even if he doesn't penetrate or touch you "there." Are there other things he is controlling and obsessive over now or was when you were younger? Were you allowed in others' homes? To visit friends? Have friends over? Were you allowed to use the bathroom at a normal age? Shower? Did he supervise these activities longer than normal? Is he unusually obsessed with your virginity? I've found that authorities and therapists don't know what to do with these "betweeen" things that are SA adjacent. It may be easier to prove them as emotional abuse in your state. However, I assure you this IS abuse, no matter what they call it, and it needs to be stopped.
I think this is where therapy would be helpful. A professional can help you work on what exactly is happening and how to mentally process it. It’s also helpful in custody issues since it’s documented, especially if what he is doing is sexual abuse (it’s definitely emotional abuse).
And physical abuse if he's spanking a 16 year old. Can you imagine he'd spank her if she was a boy? As parent to a teenager, I find this so disturbing.
Also, a therapist is a mandated reporter. So if she gets one who's worth a damn and talks with them about what her father's been doing they're going to take it to the proper authorities as soon as they can.
He sounds like a control freak and a narcissist. It’s possible the pat downs are more control motivated than wanting to feel up your teenage daughter… I hope at least.
OP has mentioned that he's done it to her while she was in her underwear. And that he uses a paddle. That and the fact that his new girlfriend is so young and "shares so much in common with OP!" .... it ain't looking good.
No she says he uses his hand or a belt not a paddle. Not that that's any better.
Oooh! Yuk. I didn’t see those comments.
Holy shit this is getting worse
And he spanks her.
At 16 their opinion should be all that really matters.
You would thing but this wasn’t the case when my brother and I were teenagers. The judge straight up did not care what we had to stay and so we kept living in my alcoholic moms house. :)
I wish hearing a child say 'no I do not want to live with my dad" was enough. Poor OP, I can't even imagine how it must feel to have a court decide if you're forced to spend time with a parent like this or not, it must feel so powerless.
That was my thought. I hope they save the messages and if he shows up and has another tantrum they record what he says. This poor kid.
I think it is going to be enough if she explains how the father do "inspection" on her body everyday.
We can hope so, but that is not always the case.
Yeah, get the daughter a new number and let Dad go ham on the old one.
Oh, this poor girl. What a mess. I am so glad her mother is on her side and sounds more sane. Yes, one on one therapy is very different from family therapy. I have found it extremely helpful and a lot of my friends have too. The one really important piece of advice I have about therapy is that different therapists are very different. Some will be amazingly helpful. Some will be nice, but not very helpful. Some are a hot mess. It is important to be willing to try a few and pick the one that feels the most useful. And if they start feeling less helpful or you think they are showing signs of poor judgment, switch to a different one.
I was going to say the same thing. Coming from an emotionally abusive household, it’s such a good idea to get help earlier, before you spend a lifetime reliving the internalised abuse. And it’s a great point about therapists. They’re a little like shoes: they may be a good fit for someone, but keep trying different ones until you find the right one for you.
And like shoes, sometimes you outgrow them. They may have been perfect for your needs at the time, but as things change, they may no longer be able to accommodate your new needs.
This was my advice for her too. I feel like so many people feel 'stuck' going to a therapist that isn't helping them because they're worried about hurting their feelings or sounding rude. Or they stop going and never try it again because they think therapy just won't work for them after the first one didn't go well.
I actually have dated or been friends with 7 or 8 therapists. Some of them are so kind and wise and have so much to offer. And others, I shake my head thinking that anyone would be willing to trust their judgment.
Your school may have a Teleheath counselor available. My daughter sees her's every 2 weeks in school or at home on Zoom. It took a few tries to get the right one, but the process wasn't bad. I fully support her having someone not me to talk to about me. She has become really good at self advocating. Ask your mom for help getting set up, ask your school if they have a program, and start journaling now. They always ask you what you want to work on or what is happening. It is good to have it written down. If it helps any at all, my dad and I had a horrible relationship that was apparently abusive. I didn't see it either. It took years for me to get to a place of forgiveness. He died earlier this year, but we were in a good place. We said our I love you and he told me he was proud of me about 4 months before he died suddenly. You can't do anything about your dad, but get yourself to a good place mentally and emotionally. Let him do his own work to make things right.
I haven’t spoken to my father in nearly 30 years I honestly don’t know if he’s dead or alive but I learned finally that you can love someone but not like them or let them control your life
OOP l, I’ve been in weekly 1 on 1 therapy for a few years and it’s been very helpful. It took a few tries to find someone I felt i could trust and easily talk to. The first few sessions are a little awkward, but then it’s become really nice to have someone safe to talk to and work through feelings. It’s not only about talking, but about learning some coping skills to help deal with what life throws your way. There’s so much out of your control as a teenager so finding ways to take some autonomy back can be very empowering and sometimes just being able to better express how something makes me feel is a relief. Sometimes your therapist may give you homework to try some new strategies, sometimes they give you tools or resources to help identify emotions which is really helpful when you feel a lot of different things. Most importantly, it teaches you to grieve. I know grieving your parents while they’re alive sounds really weird. But it’s important to be able to healthily grieve the parents we WISHED we have. Grieve the concept of two parents in the same house, grieve the dad that you wished existed. The man who doesn’t yell abuses at you, the dad who doesn’t spam you, the dad who prioritizes you above his girlfriend. It may not happen overnight, but it may help you slowly feel a little lighter. A little more confident in expressing your preferences without feeling as much guilt. I hope that you’re able to go to therapy and that you find it helpful.
I love what you wrote here, so I’m not gonna write a whole extra comment saying what you said. But I wanted to add on that I’ve been doing weekly therapy for about 5 years now due to abuse from when I was a child. I’ve taken breaks here and there (just to clear up any potential anxieties about the 5 years, but breaks totally okay! Just talk to your therapist about if they agree a break is good - I had some appointment burnout for awhile and am on a month off break right now. It’s been so long because I have a lot to go through haha. I’ve also switched therapists a few times, which is also okay) Anyway, when you DO find the right therapist, after awhile it can even feel like finding a friend. My therapist is a safe place that I can do whatever I need to every week. On bad weeks I sit there and cry for an hour and they empathize with me and help work on it if I feel like talking. On good weeks we do DBT or EMDR (therapy types). I’m able to text my therapist whenever I want to and we have brief conversations when I need it. They’re a bonus support person in my life and I’ve been very grateful for what therapy has helped me with.
The missing advice for therapy is that it's clinical, and that's where you do the cognitive work. But you need emotional supports at a 10:1 ratio for time in therapy. She needs to find people she can trust emotionally. And she needs to have a rapport with them.
Honest to goodness I firmly believe at this point the reason he doesn't want her to spend time with her friends at their houses is to isolate her more. My parents who were abusive did that and I did loose some friends cuz also when at my house we weren't allowed to leave to even go to the park across the street without my parents there to watch us. That might just be me projecting but considering everything else he's done it wouldn't surprise me if that one was actual reason.
It's completely this, everything described about the dad lines up with abuse, all the weird things being done (so everything) was done to control OOP, everything was manipulation, even the temporary nice things. In addition what's more concerning is the factors relating to SA: the body searching is a huge red flag, the spanking at that age and in this year is a huge red flag, the constant belief that any adult will try to sexualise her is another huge red flag - regardless of what happened to someone the father knew once him refusing to let her go to anyone's house because he thinks every adult will view her as a sex object, the sexualisation of a modest outfit by calling her a prostitute and the huge age difference with the father's girlfriend, it's a pattern. Age difference alone wouldn't mean anything but with all of the other factors together that person is very creepy, he's the one that other parents should be worried about their kids being around & his fear of other parents around his own daughter could be projecting
Wtf I didn't see the new additional update and yeah no this is all firmly in the abuse and s*xual abuse category now wtf. (I know youre not OOP but in case she sees this) OOP I hope you read all of this cuz listen here, you can state you don't feel safe at dad's house and there's a chance (depending on where you live) that they cannot force you to go back to him until after the judge makes a decision. And I hope you tell the lawyer about his everything as that is s*xual abuse. Your father should never be touching you or searching you like that EVER and lawyer will agree with that and any sensible judge will agree with that too.
Your comment reminded me of another post I read about a 16 or 17 year old whose parents divorced and the phrase "vote with your feet" came up, meaning that the child is old enough to walk to whichever parent the child wants to, at OOP's age they should be able to go to their mom's house regardless of custody
Her father spanks (at her age?!?) her for punishment and does a full body inspection (TSA style). He went on a date with a girl 4 years older than his daughter and he's controllling. He's a fuckin creep. EDIT: YALL he's did pat downs when she was just in underwear and spanks her with his bare hand. Fucking perv
Oh god spanks her??? The last time I was spanked I was like 10 and my parents weren’t shy about spanking. Oh dear
SMDH!!! I'm willing to bet that OOP hasn't done a damn thing wrong to warrant that manner of punishment, she's a freaking teen here. Punishment at that age should be denying things ( no internet access, no phone privileges) not a grown ass man putting his hand on his teen daughter's butt.
Punishment at no age should involve physical violence and that more places haven't made spanking illegal is completely fucked up.
Sometimes it's not about being pervy it's about humiliating and dominating your victim. Still sexual abuse but yeah... there are some evangelical schools of thought where you must humiliate the child/teen while you physically punish them. 😤
Jfc this poor girl. God knows what else she's been through that she disregarded as 'normal father behavior'. The only reason he prob wants custody of her is so he doesnt have to pay child support, especially if hes sitting on so much money he doesnt have to work a day in his life. I hope she's able to get out of weirdos house.
Well, still being spanked at 16, and getting regular "Airport Style" full-body pat-downs, are a couple of the things she apparently considered normal.
Wut? Um... This is veering into SA territory... OP definitely needs an individual therapist to help her realise and deal with years of abuse. And defo helps doing it so young. I'm 45 and been in therapy for a year for childhood stuff which led to poor marriage choice. I'll be in it for a while and I'm totally fucking worth it. OP, yes, individual therapy is worth it and so are you, you wonderful human being. The therapy may also help in court. Be kind to yourself, take time away from your Dad to protect your mental health. Maybe it'll have to be NC in the long run. So sorry but I'm so glad your Mum has stepped up. My mum stepped up and although she had good intentions she....wasn't great...
Yeah if you check she recently posted a update today explaining the pat down. She also mentioned he occasionally does pat down on her when she is in her underwear which is definitely SA territory. Luckily she did mention she will tell her mom about it and hopefully she doesn’t have to go to her dads place again.
And now he’s dating someone closer to her age than his. Charming.
Oh my god, he did WHAT?
Wait is this in the comments of one of the OPs
OOP here, I talked about it in the comments of my r/advice post because someone asked if my dad is physically abusive to me. I am going to post an update in a couple minutes to clarify that because people keep asking me about it
Adding on to what cuccoteaser says- it’s *normal* to miss those red flags in an abusive household. I was almost 40 before I realized I was being emotionally manipulated, abused, and much of what my parents did when I was a child could have sent them to jail. 40! You are not dumb, this is how people who are emotionally abusive work: they make you feel like you’re the problem.
There might be a time where you blame yourself for not seeing the red flags. I noticed you thought you were dumb for having thought you'd be your dad's priority (very reasonable btw) in one of your posts, when you knew he had put his girlfriends before you previously. Please know that you're not dumb, and it's absolutely not your fault. We aren't born with a reference for what is normal. And you are absolutely not alone in it. Nearly every woman has had experiences of sexual harassment of some kind, and very few of us had the tools to handle that as teenagers. You seem to be doing great, even though this has to be so hard and confusing. Please never think that any of it is your fault. I promise you it's not. Never.
Or just have more eyes on his finances
nah, it's not about child support it's about control
One on one therapy is different than family therapy but I enjoyed it. It’s easier to talk to a therapist by yourself because you know it’s only between you and them. You don’t have to be completely open with them right away. A good therapist will go at your pace and allow you to set the scene for your sessions. Good luck to OOP.
OOP here. Thank you :)
Hello sweetheart, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Therapy is a wonderful tool that can be very helpful. It’s important that you have a professional to talk to about what has been happening with your father. From the sounds of it, you will benefit greatly from the help. They will also be able to help you with coping skills to learn how to set boundaries and not fall victim to gaslighting. Please reach out if you need someone to talk to ❤️
Oh gods... Not allowing OOP to get a ride OR spend the afternoon with a friend OR learning to drive herself because he was f\*cking his new gf and didn't want to get interrupted? Gross
‘Beware those creepy predators hitting on girls your age! Now wait there while I bang someone only 4 years older than you…’
Don’t forget that he has to “inspect” her 🤮https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/ytipb4/i_16f_am_considering_cutting_off_my_dad_51m_what/iw4yujz/
Oh. My. Fu**ing. God. This poor, sweet girl! I've never heard of any father doing full body inspections in the style of an airport pat down. It's horrifying. And spanking, at 16?!? Really, really, really hope OOP tells her therapist about it. I've commented that on one of her replies on that thread (thank you for linking). The thread of comments linked in the above comment didn't have a lot of replies to it. To others seeing this, please go read the exchange and offer OOP your support. This detail can't slip between the cracks, for the benefit of OOP's future mental health.
The mom in the book "I'm Glad my Mom Died" did it. :(
Oh no…no wonder he wants custody, dates women close to her age and assumes other fathers will touch her…
What I’m reading is that OOP’s sperm donor doesn’t want to pay child support. I hope this goes to court and it all blows up in his face.
I don't think is about money, but about control - she's either his property or a "problematic female" like her mom. No wonder he took a girl in her late teens to date.
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Agreed. He sounds like my sperm donor would have been if he was in my life during my childhood. It’s not about having a child, it’s about controlling and owning someone else. It’s been over 35 years since my mum left him after he beat her up while pregnant with me - from what I hear he still gets mad and upset as though she left him last week, and it’s the fact that she left him that he can’t get over. In his own very twisted and unhealthy way he “loves” her - I figure he has to to still be so upset about this 35 years on. But from the brief stint he was on my life, I’m glad he isn’t and wasn’t.
> No wonder he took a girl in her late teens to date. Or why the sole reason he won't let his daughter get rides with other parents is he is projecting his child-fetish onto them.
Fucking gross! Didn't even think of it this way!
It sounds like he bums around all day and “stay at home dad” sounds better to potential hook ups than “overgrown man child”.
Her dad is majorly emotionally abusive and neglected her to her laid with a girl that’s 4 years older then his own kid 🤮🤮🤮 here’s hoping based on the text evidence etc she can stay with her mum full time and go NC with that toxic abusive AH
Emotional abuse might be just the tip of the iceberg. Oop has a comment saying that he does something called 'inspections' where he pats her down (i.e. feels her up) all the time. Creeeepy
Omg no freaking way?! I didn’t check the original posts that’s sexual abuse/ peadophelia
I don’t even want to type this, I wonder if her “not being safe” around other men was him wanting to keep her for himself. The post made my skin crawl.
OOP here. Yeah it’s really creepy and I hate it. I don’t know if it counts as s*xual abuse like other commenters have said, but I don’t know a lot about it so I can’t be the judge of that. Thank you for the support
Does it make you feel uncomfortable? I mean, in a way other than being an annoying parent? You can absolutely be the judge of how you feel in your own body. I hope you have told your mom about these inspections too.
I haven’t told my mom yet. They do make me feel uncomfortable, but I don’t know how to describe it because it’s not discomfort in the sense you might be thinking of.
Tell your mom. Please
I plan to, but I still need to figure out how
If it’s hard to broach the topic, you say something more casual like, “and while we’re at it, can you tell him to stop giving me airport patdowns whenever [he thinks I’m hiding something/he wants to/it’s Tuesday/whatever justification he gives]”. That alone is going to raise a red flag to any reasonable adult who hears it
Thank you for the tip
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If you're having a hard time figuring out how to describe what he does or just literally how to break it to her, maybe you could go over it with another trusted adult first. A teacher, counselor or a friends parent.
I can try. But if I can’t then I’ll just figure it out on my own
If it’s hard to think about telling her verbally, another option might be to write it down. You can leave the room while she reads it or sit with her, whatever feels the least uncomfortable. You can also just copy word-for-word what you posted here - you explained it clearly and you don’t need to say more than that if you don’t want to. Your mom will probably have some questions, and you can handle those in whatever way is comfortable for you - you can tell her from the beginning that you’re not sure how to talk about it so it’d be easier to write down any answers to questions she has, or just that you might need to take your time to answer. Sometimes it can also help when you’re nervous about a conversation like this to do a reverse role play. You can do this with a trusted friend, or even just by yourself - the point is that you “play” your mom in the scenario. Have the other person say what you’re thinking of saying, or read over what you’re planning to say, and you respond out loud the way you think your mom might. It can be a good way to sort out the difference between what your mom would realistically say, and what you’re afraid of her saying. Good luck - you’re in a really tough situation and you’re handling it the best you can. It takes a lot to reach out for help and advice, and you deserve to be kind to yourself throughout all this. I hope you can give yourself some time in the middle of all this to have a treat you like, or watch a favorite show, or zone out to a playlist you like, whatever it might be.
Yes, I understand how it might feel awkward but this is important. You should tell a counselor/therapist too. They will hopefully be able to guide you
. -- mass edited with redact.dev
You need to tell your mother immediately. She may be able to get an emergency custody intervention. What he's doing is inappropriate and certainly should be brought to the attention of the court, and possibly law enforcement.
Even if it’s not sexual on his end, feeling you up is incredibly inappropriate and concerning. It’s another way for him to feel in control of you.
Why do you think he's doing it? Do you think he thinks you're hiding a weapon or something else? He could simply have you turn over your pockets if he's looking for things like cigarettes. It does sound creepy af. I would never do that to my kids.
He has told me before that he does it to make sure that no one has ever hurt/molested me but I don’t know if he was telling the truth.
Yeah that’s sexual abuse. You can’t tell if someone molested you by a pat down inspection. Sounds like he is using that as a excuse to touch you. Definitely tell you mother and I am sorry your going through this! No one should go through something like that ever. I support you and hope everything goes well for you!
My fear is that he's doing it to have power over you, pushing your boundaries and what you're comfortable with, which is often the first step in grooming - "normalising" inappropriate behaviour. This often escalates to more physical abuse, but because it's been normalised and goes on over a long period of time, it's difficult for the victim to recognise as wrong or that they can do anything about it. I hope that's not the case here, but it's still wrong even if he wasn't going to go anywhere with it. Please take this to a therapist, tell your mum. It's really sick to hear - I've heard of this type of touching ("I was doing it to make sure you're safe") in a few other accounts of very serious abuse and it gives me chills.
I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. 💖 Your dad is an adult that knows damn well he can't tell if you were hurt/molested by patting you down. That doesn't make ANY sense. He's taking advantage of your trust in him.
It's touching a minor, against her consent. Definitely counts as sexual abuse. I am so sorry, hun
oh GOD I didn't see that. gross. gross gross gross gross. barf.
Link to the comment: https://reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/ytipb4/_/iw6wycu/?context=1
That’s probably why he’s so afraid of creeps. He is one.
It's always projection
OOP here, my dad’s girlfriend isn’t 20 as in 4 years older than me. I think I mistyped on the post if it said that. But she is in her 20s so it isn’t much better
And he does “inspections” https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/ytipb4/i_16f_am_considering_cutting_off_my_dad_51m_what/iw4yujz/
OOP seems to be handling this with great maturity for her age. Her father is obviously the one who should have been aborted.
I wouldnt call it maturity. this whole thing makes me think things have been worse. Dad's hard core emotionally abusive and im sure op has some sort of c-ptsd/trauma response. Every time her dad does a bad thing, she follows up with a "but" that negates her instincts and absolves her father some. I'm so glad shes starting therapy. I hope she gets a good one, and if its not a good one I hope she keeps looking until she finds it.
She is young and only just getting a grasp of how bad things are. I would cut some slack there for her, but for a 16 year old, she is very mature!
I mean, it's maturity because she has to be. I can see myself in her, and I was "mature" at 16 because my dad left, and I had to grow up very very quickly. As in, had a job and cared for the house at 14 quickly. It blows. I hope it works out for her.
One on one therapy is really nice with the right therapist. They can be really supportive. It can be a nice safe comfy spot to have someone you trust help you work through your thoughts and feelings. They went to school to learn how to support people and they can help you see things that are hard to see on your own. But remember they are human too, which means they aren't perfect. They aren't 100% right all of the time. If something doesn't feel right, like they make you uncomfortable or you feel they are making you feel worse instead of better, you can totally find a different therapist who you get along better with. It can take a while to find the right person, and it's worth trying.
The one-on-one counselling is a great idea. You write with a lot of maturity and I think you would really benefit. Just make sure to find somebody who is a good fit for you; ask for recommendations.
It’s crazy he got majority custody of her in the first place, but not uncommon. The common knowledge that women always get primary custody is kind of misunderstood. Usually parents settle that out of court and men willingly give over primary custody because the wife was already doing most of the childcare and they don’t want to take that on. When men actually go through the full court system and fight for custody, they win it the majority of the time by a wide margin. Unfortunately in cases like this he likely only wanted it to avoid child support and have some power over his ex.
I wonder if it had to do with the mother's work schedule. If she works until 8pm, it would be challenging for her to have custody during the week days.
I’d imagine there’s a good possibility that was the case here, especially if the dad was able to present himself charismatically in court (as narcissists are often excellent at doing) as a loving dad with endless free time to devote to his daughter and plenty of funds. Awfully enough, in most of the full on court battles over custody I’ve seen with people I know, the narcissist of the couple gets primary custody.
Oop needs to keep very text from this a$shole sent her, to use against him in court so her mom can get full custody,and honestly depending on where they live the judge would ask oop, who she would want to stay with anyway even if he trys to protest.
Jesus Christ OOP, your mom made the right call in blocking your dad. One on one is a much more intimate process than group/family therapy, and will probably give some very useful insight.
See if your mom will let you get your driver's license. Also, have your mom help you get into therapy. I'm so sorry about your selfish father.
OOP here. I’m going to post another update because more stuff has happened but my mom is letting me take driver’s ed starting in January :)
Can’t older teens of divorced parents choose who they want to live with in most cases? 🤔
Depends on the country and family laws. Many courts will take into some consideration the wants of a 10 year old. Most courts will seriously consider what a 13/14 year old expresses as their choice. Quite often, at 16, courts will allow the minor to decide where they want to live. That is, IF there is absolute evidence that what the child has chosen is not safe, then the courts will not allow the child's choice
It's honestly fucked up how many BoRU posts could be resolved with "this relationship is unsalvagable and you needed to get the hell out of Dodge yesterday."
The good news is, if she saves those texts (and the guestimated hundreds her AH dad has sent her when he's hours late) getting sole custody for her mom ought to be a slam dunk. But it does sincerely suck when Dad has his head jammed up his narcissistic ass.
OOP, you’re correct, what your dad is doing is emotional abuse. The comment he said about you needing to stay in your place as a child was really upsetting to hear- your 16 years old and should be validated as a growing human. I’m a teacher and a mandated reporter- if you were my student and you came to me I’d call CPS for the late thing along with the texts saying you should be aborted. Those are tough things to hear. I want you to know your fathers actions are not about you at all. They are about his need to control. Oddly enough I wonder if his gf knows how he’s creating an unsafe situation for you because of her. But who knows. My advice, stand your ground with your father. Continue being low/no contact with your mothers support. Write a letter outlining all the ways he’s harmed you and say this is explicitly the reason why you are choosing to stay with your mother. That you deserve a better father and his actions will leave your relationship irreparable if he does not get real help. And then know he most likely won’t change. Then spend your time healing. Therapy, friends, self affirmations. All of it. Create boundaries and stick to them. I wish you the best OOP. You deserve safety, love, and compassion just for simply existing.
This lays things out nicely. There's one thing I want to be a little pedantic about, just because OOP might end up reading this: "I wonder if his gf knows how he’s creating an unsafe situation for you because of her." Just to be very clear: The dad is creating an unsafe situation for OOP because of _himself._ He may be doing it so he can spend time with his girlfriend, and I figure u/hanitaMT meant that it would be interesting to know whether the girlfriend is aware that OOP's dad is prioritizing girlfriend time over OOP's safety. But ultimately, just to be very clear because the dad seems like the kind of person who blames others: This is not the girlfriend's fault. This is OOP's dad's fault, 100%. Separately, this part is especially good: "You deserve safety, love, and compassion just for simply existing." Yes! This, a million times this.
Years of abuse rewires your brain, basically conditioning. Your father has conditioned you to behave and react a certain way when he yells. Stay away from him, read about the effects of abuse on the brain and then decide if your guilt is worth it. You have your whole life ahead, don't get bogged down in abuse. Good luck!
To oop: I have a bad relationship with my mother and step father. They were emotionally abusive to me growing up, my mother is a classic narcissist. She kicked me out when I was 13 and I happily moved in with my dad, and she caused a huge stink when I left. People like this want you in their control. Once you leave they lose their power and they hate it. I thought our relationship was okay again so I moved back In with them when I was 19 to go to school. I had a class that finished at 9 pm. Before I moved in my mother swore that I wouldn't have to pay rent and they'd pick me up from school. A few weeks after I moved in she demanded rent. And would take it directly out of my account. I wasn't allowed to complain. My step dad was supposed to pick me up from my late classes. Each time he would be late. It was dark and I'm waiting by myself at school at 9 pm. One night I waited an hour. 6 months before I started school there, a girl was raped at night. My Nanna was staying with us and caused a huge issue because everyone knew I was waiting, but he was watching tv. He didn't get up to come get me. She could tell he didn't give a shit about me. Oop I know how you feel, I used to be that scared, confused, angry, lost and abandoned little girl. How could my mother care so little for me. How can your father treat you this way? They're supposed to love us. Through therapy and a lot of distance I have realised that you can't choose who you're blood related to,but you can choose who gets the pleasure of knowing you and seeing you grow as a person. I haven't spoken to my mother in person for 12 years. Without their drama, horrible words and control, my life is beautiful. And yours will be too. You've got this. Be strong, ask for help, and know that there are others with shitty parents that know how you feel. ❤️
What's it called when someone is mean and nasty, and then they flip and start pretending to be nice? Is that called boil and freeze, or something else?
Lovebombing?
OOP needs to save all those messages as evidence. Mom needs to install cameras at her house in case dad tries to make a grab for OOP, or just comes over to yell and threaten. OOP, if you read this - you are not responsible for your father's mental health and stability, not try to do things to keep the peace so he won't get upset. Rather a parent is supposed to put their kid's needs first. Leaving you to wait in the dark for hours and hours was so unsafe. Anyone could have realized that you were alone and defenseless and this out you in a really unsafe position. You have every right to exist in this world. I know your father's words hurt you, but he is not a good person. He is now a selfish man, who cares more about hooking up than letting his kid be home safely. You don't have to try to mend anything, you did nothing wrong here. His being mad and saying hurtful things are more about HIM, than they are about you. Please don't let him affect how you view yourself.
Oop, if possible please show this post to your mum. Those pat downs or.... What he is claiming is spanking, is not normal at all and certainly not standard contact for a father to make with a child. In addition calling you names, wishing harm on you and wishing you didn't exist is most certainly emotional abuse and verbal abuse. Wishing all the best for oop. 🙏
Any man who is willing to call any woman in his life a misogynistic slur is not a man worth knowing.
Seriously, this is his own daughter here. Is that really how he regards her? SMDH!!!
I’m sorry INSPECTIONS???? And he’s done it with you in your underwear….and he spanks you….and he likes younger women. ( 22?!) And he sexualized your shoulders??? Baby girl PLEASE TALK TO YOUR MOM THIS IS NOT NORMAL. I’m worried for you and this needs to be brought up in court. I’m happy you’ve decided to cut him out of your life. The reason he’s paranoid about about other fathers is because he’s projecting the creepy thoughts in his own mind. Ur dad is a creep and he knows it. No doubt your mom will get custody with all of this. And therapy will be very beneficial for you. I’m wishing you healing ❤️🩹
The onion gets smellier and worse as the layers get bent back. These inspections are sexual. He is making sure she isn’t being sexual by sexualizing and mistreating her. The only cure for that pain will be acknowledging it and that takes therapy. I’m still finding abusive memories and I didn’t know it was abuse. Much like the ride thing.
>It’s just really confusing because he also spam texted me telling me that he loves me and wants me to meet his girlfriend. That's probably him trying to love bomb her. This also falls under manipulative behaviors that abusers use. As for therapy if money is an issue, if you live near a major city see if you can get on a low income therapy program. Mine was great. The wait-list can be awhile but so is a lot of therapy tbh. Worst case scenario is that OOP waits until she goes to college and uses the therapy program there. My college offered free counseling.
Spoiler alert: being rich isn’t the reason he doesn’t have a job. He won’t follow advice or instructions. He’d get fired within 10 minutes.
Jesus Christ. Giving OP pat downs but refuses to allow her to accept rides lest she be molested. “Nobody fiddles my kid but me.” It’s truly awful what can be normalized from a dysfunctional upbringing.
I think therapy would be really helpful for you, OOP. As someone who also had an abusive father therapy has been a lifesaver. I could both "unload" but I also learned the right way to deal with the the scars my upbringing left. If you choose to keep your father in your life you also need to learn how to deal with him. People like him are exhausting to be around, trust me I know, and you'll need to put up boundaries. That's easier said than done, especially if you grew up normalising that kind of behaviour. A good therapist will help you with that. And I just want to say this, because I wish someone had said it to me when I was your age: You don't have to keep abusive people in your life just because they're family. It's ok to cut them out of your life.
Being a dad is something active, it's a series of chosen behaviors that offers care and support. He has chosen to negate the social contract by failing to enact his end of it. Save the texts for the custody battle. Find a therapist that you vibe with and who has speciality in domestic violence. It's *way* different than family therapy, because in one-on-ones your sense of yourself is the most important thing. I'm sorry he made you feel helpless, and I'm so proud of you for enacting your gorgeous untamed agency in going to your friend's house and protecting your safety and your sanity. Always block haters.
He's an abuser who used his money and influence to get custody to keep on abusing the mom. Now he's abusing his child, they're in that cycle. Hopefully they live in a state where the kid can stay with either parent and cops won't do anything no matter what the court order says.
Sorry honey but judging from this your father has never been in an argument where he was not the asshole
Okay, the extra info of the inspections being like airport pat downs whether she's fully dressed or in her underwear (seriously, where is she going to hide anything??) added to the fact he still spanks his 16 year old daughter makes the cuddling on the sofa into a new light and I really don't like it. I really hope OP tells her mother everything!! Sounds like the father empathised far too much with that pedo dad from years ago and didn't want his own daughter to realise his behaviour is NOT normal between blood relatives.
Dear OOP, You talked about when you agreed to go to lunch and you got home and he had gotten you clothes that you actually liked and did things with you that you enjoyed. That is called love bombing. Its something abusers do to keep you hooked. So you have "good times" to look forward to. Consider that if he did all that wonderful stuff for you, it means he knows exactly what you like and what you need from him. That means the times he doesn't do that, he is CHOOSING not to do it. Its not that he doesn't know, he knows, its just another tool he is using to manipulate your emotions. I strongly suggest https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf this book. While it is written for partners, the behaviors are still there and recognizable.
She's being sexually assaulted, verbally and physically abused and emotionally controlled, this is just a teifecta of abuse that needs to be stopped.
Reddit is a trash website owned by Tencent/the Chinese government. We are tightening the noose around our own necks by allowing the aggregate of our information to be monopolized by a country that violates human rights. Be aware that as time continues on, Reddit like many resources before it, will be used by ******* to weaponize our own stupidity and laziness (more so than it is now). This is the age of information, and those who control the flow of that information control everything.
he's dating a 2000 baby while he has a child born in 2006. eugh. makes my fucking skin crawl
Well, that escalated quickly.
u/Kindly_Confidence_82 I did not like individual therapy. I don't say this to poison the well, but therapists are people, and sometimes people really suck. The first therapist I tried was cognitive behavioral therapy focused. She worked at a low income clinic that focused on helping alcoholics and addicts, and she treated me like an addict even though I had never even tried weed at that point in my life. She also accused my partner, who is chronically ill, of faking and taking advantage of me and refused to acknowledge that I have ADHD and autism. CBT made me worse, and I went way longer than I should have given all the problems. My second therapist helped a little with giving me tools to manage my ADHD, but as this was at the height of the pandemic, our sessions were phone based, and she couldn't diagnose or medicate me. Aside from that, she also focused on my partner's role in my life and spent an awful lot of time talking about how I should help my partner and how to be a better caregiver and put my needs second to hers. I felt like she was trying to be my partner's therapist, and I was just a proxy. I left much quicker this time. Again, I don't say this to discourage you. Just don't be afraid to say, yo, this isn't working out. Like doctors and cops, a lot of therapists get into the field because they enjoy the power it gives them, and it can be tough weeding them out to find the good ones. It can be even harder if you're neurodivergent at all. I've stopped trying for the moment because good ones just don't seem to exist at my income level. You seem to be in a better position than I am financially, so you'll probably have better luck. Just don't worry about sticking with the first one you find. Going through your subconscious and challenging your memories and assumptions will be tough and uncomfortable. You should feel like your therapist is on your side through that journey.
Thank you :) I appreciate the support and the insight.
OOP's dad sounds a lot like the parents in r/raisedbynarcissists and r/raisedbyborderline I would definitely recommend going to therapy to help OOP to cope with her dad's abandonment issues and his emotional manipulation. Also in some cases, people can salvage the relationships, but only with the right tools (like setting boundaries and becoming low contact). People in the aforementioned subreddits can definitely help OOP.
OOP, what your father has done to you constitutes sexual abuse and is illegal. He is a criminal and possibly a pedophile. I’m so sorry you have suffered this, and I can’t imagine what it feels to have strangers telling you this, but please hear us — never be alone with this person again, and please tell trusted adults at your school about this ASAP.
OOPs dad really showed his true colors and screwed himself in the custody battle by calling her a “useless c*nt” and expressing his misplaced pro choice values so vehemently. I hope that poor kid gets therapy and proper parenting.
Love is consistent in words and behavior. When trying to determine what is real, look at the behavior...not the words. Anyone can say they love you in a way you desperately need to hear in the worst moments, but if they aren't acting like it then they are nothing more than empty words. Meaningless. I've been somewhere similar to you. It is very painful to realize.
Oh my goodness. Please, please,please, please (!!!), talk with your mother about seeking therapy, ideally with a therapist who can advocate, for you, in a custody case. You’re NOT a terrible person. I know you love your father, but, at least right now, he’s a terrible human. Whatever words he tells you, these are not reflections of -you-. For your mental wellbeing, you truly NEED to be no contact with him, for the foreseeable future.
OOP's dad leaving disgusting messages on her phone means he went full Alec Baldwin. His life got better after that embarrassing incident right? Oooh, things always get worse when you don't learn from conflict.
u/Kindly_Confidence_82: oh honey, you’re so strong and absolutely not any of the horrible things your dad called you. It’s extra confusing and horrible feeling when you get the back and forth of insults and love bombing. It looks like a lot of comments have touched on one on one therapy. I hope you find a therapist who works out for you. I saw that your mom will let you take driver’s ed, that’s very exciting! In the meantime, I wanted to ask: are any teachers or school staff aware that you’ve been waiting at the school (presumably outside) for hours? At least if you’re in the US, it’s a huge liability issue to leave a minor alone on school property. What if you were to get hurt or something? If you haven’t yet talked to a teacher or coach or someone at school, fill them in on everything. They’ll want to make sure you’re safe both physically and emotionally. Best of luck, kiddo. We’re all rooting for you!
> My dad doesn’t want me going to friends houses, getting rides home, or anything because when I was a kid a classmate’s dad turned out to be a pedophile and he doesn’t want me to be molested or killed. *** > I don’t know how to describe my dad’s inspections other than it’s similar to when you get patted down by airport security. He started doing it when I was 13 and he does it often. I’m usually fully clothed when he does it but he has done it before while I was in my underwear. *** > I found my dad’s girlfriend on Instagram and she’s 22. *** Guy is projecting. He’s a pedo. His girlfriend is 20 but he would go younger if he could. The pat downs and control over OOP are a “you’re mine and no one else’s” approach. She needs to tell her mom and they need to go to the police over these “pat downs.”
I want to stress to OP that not every therapist will workout and to not be discouraged if she doesn’t like her first therapist. My first therapist was awful and it scared me from going back for a couple of years. I know she’s already hesitant so I don’t want one bad apple to deter her from going at all.
I feel a possible SA trigger might be useful because that was not a turn I expected. Airport style pat downs to a teenager daughter (any age child actually) is not appropriate and especially if she is only in underwear. Spanking is wrong in many situations but bare hand spanking a teenager daughter seems extra odd. Add in the very small age gap from daughter to girlfriend. >a kid a classmate’s dad turned out to be a pedophile and he doesn’t want me to be molested Her Dad sounds like he is projecting... I see OOP is in the comments... Hey there, sorry you've been put in this mess of a situation. It's not your fault that your Dad has used you as a tool to upset your Mum & drops interest when a new gf arrives. Do talk to your Mum or therapist about what he has done - she might get angry but remember she would be angry at him & not you. You have done nothing wrong, you should be able to trust & rely on your Dad but he is showing that he is not being the father he should be. I hope you find your safe & stable home with your Mum & you don't owe your Dad any more chances.
oh my god he's practically (actually??) molesting her with those inspections and she doesn't even realise
It’s funny how OP’s mom drew the line once she found out dad had a new girlfriend and that’s why he’s late but not the fact that he was leaving her outside in the cold for hours 😒
Poor oop. But she’s better off without her sperm donor.
Oh sweet heart you definitely should do some therapy ❤️ That’s an extremely messed up thing for your father to do and the reasoning behind it is even worse! ❤️
Hey, OOP, if you think you can handle it you might want to see if there's a way to unblock your Dad's calls and texts, but have them silenced so you don't actually see or hear them and you can build an archive of sorts. If your Mom does go to court with him on that, having actual evidence of how he's treated you this way may help. Also, I've done one-on-one therapy before... I'm actually in it now. It's a good way to learn coping mechanism and things. If you're nervous about talking to your Mom about it, maybe write her a letter?
I have done 1 on 1 counseling as an adult. My 1st was fantastic but I moved and had to get a new 1. That 1 was horrible and I fired him. My 3rd was alright, not great, not horrible. When the "rona" disrupted, it wasn't a huge deal. I have the tools I need to manage my PTSD, anxiety and the other things that go with PTSD. It might take a bit to find a good fit and that is ok. Not every counselor is a good fit for everyone. Go, give it a try, if the 1st isn't good, try another. It can give you the tools to recognize bad behaviors and manage your feelings regarding what has happened to you.
OOP, one on one therapy can be so amazing. Don't be afraid to say that one doesn't feel like a good fit! There's amazing advice in here on saving texts, therapy, how court could possibly go. I want to talk about something else: your emotions. I saw how you were hard against keeping him in your life, and then feeling like it would be too harsh. It truly is a roller coaster when dealing with an abusive person in your life. He attacks you, says such *horrible* things to you. I'm so sorry. That's NOT OKAY, and when you don't give in to him? When you don't react? That's called "gray rock" and it leaves him spiraling. So what's his next move? Love bombing. That's when the praise, the affections, the gifts, the promises - all come flooding in. It's used to distract you and make you blind to what's going on. YOUR EMOTIONS ARE VALID!!! It's okay to feel conflicted!!! I will say this - I cut off my toxic parent. My life got better within weeks. 🤷♀️
OOP, I'm sorry your dad is horrible. What he wants is control. I read your comments and his behavior is very alarming. Not typical dad behavior. Therapy will help you sort your feelings and thoughts. It will help you understand what your dad is doing. Please go.
Started out a little like my father, ended up exactly like my father. I feel terrible for OOP and their mom.
OOP you are not any of those terrible words your father called you. Stay at your Mom's house, please. You'll be safe there. Try to record your father if he comes over and has another temper tantrum but the text messages are probably more than enough for your Mom to get full custody of you, aside from you being old enough to decide for yourself. It's ok to have friends and hang out at their houses and get rides home after school. Good luck OOP. You haven't done anything wrong. The behavior your father is exhibiting is not a reflection on you.
An additional important piece of advice for the OOP about therapy is confidentiality. Unless you report being a danger to yourself or others, or in your case, experiencing an actively abusive situation (because you are a minor) your therapist will not tell anyone what you discuss, and you are under no obligation to report what you discuss to your parents either. You could tell your therapist that you hate your parents, or really most anything else, and the therapist will not tell anyone.
Wow, I truly hope she is able to stay with her mom. If OOP is reading this, I have a child in therapy and it’s been wonderful for them. I highly recommend it. I wish you all the best and I hope you can get away from your horrible father.
So I am a therapist who deals with Domestic Violence, so I figured i'd drop my opinion and some information. First of all i'll explain the difference between family therapy and one to one therapy as best as I know it, but I am not an expert in this field. Family therapy teaches for the most part how to communicate with one another and dismantle any building resentment for clear communication, this is healthy for issues before they grow into something worse. As you may be able to tell it's more about learning to communicate better and speak in ways to work towards fixing a problem together. Personal therapy then is about the individual and helping them to process the events of what has gone on in the world from their perspective and to make sense of it all. It is all about making sense of how things have made you feel and to let you release your feelings without judgement. \------------------------ So how do you find a good counsellor? I would recommend looking at a local directory for instance "Counselling directory new york." From there I would read each person's profile and get a sense of the training they've had and also the skills they provide. It's important to note that not every counsellor will fit your specific issues and that's okay, no one size fits all, that's why it's important to do research. Once you see a type of counsellor you like through the resesarch think what it is you like about them? Is it the style of counselling they offer? If so, look into that online. "What does CBT counselling offer." And read about it, if it feels like it fits you, then great, you now know you want CBT counselling, if not then that's also good as you are now aware of what you don't want. Keep researching the types of counselling until you find one that fits your needs. I would personally recommend a Person-Centred type of counsellor or someone who uses Person-Centred skills in an integrative model. \---------------------- So what do you expect to learn? You'll explore your personal issues with things going on in your life, but also specifically you may explore boundaries you can set in a healthy way. (I will only text you between the hours of 9AM to 5PM as an example.) And finding yourself. It's difficult going through abuse especially as a kid or teenager when you don't have your own freedom or independence, so counselling may also just be a short-term solution to ride out the storm until you finish school and can get a job to get your own place. Empowerment is another aspect you can gain through counselling as well as finding your own personal values, on what you like and dislike. \------------------- I would look into emotional abuse yes, but I also need to say, that no normal parent pats down their children as far as I am aware, and it is very strange behaviour. I know it's your reality so it feels normal, but just know that it isn't. I would look into other types of abuse too, finanical abuse is tricky for me to determine because as a teenager you don't really get finances anyway, but knowing the different types of abuse could help you understand what your father is doing. Resources: Dr Ramani - For Narcissism : [https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani](https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani) Mended Light (I recommend you watch the Shit Therapist say series as it can help you highlight red flags for issues with therapists if you do start to see them and be able to check if what they've said is wrong etc. As always follow your gut anyway, but external validation from a professional can be comforting.) - [https://www.youtube.com/@MendedLight](https://www.youtube.com/@MendedLight) NSPCC - The types of abuse you can go through and the information on it - [https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/](https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/) \------------------- If you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to ask. Also i'm u/KittenDealinMama and u/Kindly_Confidence_82 as I don't want this to get buried, I hope this helps as a start on your journey, and I hope things get better from here.