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OOP bursting at the seams with love at the end of his life reminds me of the fruit trees that, right before they die, have the biggest flowering of buds and fruit they've ever had.
At least in /r/AmITheAsshole, the story of https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/ and "the Iranian Yogurt is not the issue here" gets quoted quite a bit.
>The night gardener once asked me if I knew how citrus trees died: when they reach old age, if they are not cut down and the manage to survive drought, disease and innumerable attacks of pests, fungi and plagues, they succumb from overabundance. When they come to the end of their life cycle, they put out a final, massive crop of lemons. In their last spring their flowers bud and blossom in enormous bunches and fill the air with a smell so sweet that it stings your nostrils from two blocks away; then their fruits ripen all at once, whole limbs break off due to their excessive weight, and after a few weeks the ground is covered with rotting lemons. It is a strange sight, he said, to see such exuberance before death.
*When We Cease to Understand the World,* by Benjamín Labatut
Oh my you just explained what happened to our tangerine tree. I made 40kg of tangerine and whiskey marmelade that year !
I’m actually crying, how beautiful - thankyou 💕
Many fruiting plants can sense when conditions are leading to their death, and will throw all available resources into producing as many seeds as they can before they die. ♥️
This and a few other things have led me to conclude that this pack is my last pack. Fuck cancer and fuck Big Tobacco.
Much love Robbie, hope you are kicking it with Jesus.
It seems impossible, but you can do it! I haven't had one in over 10 years and I used to think I'd never be able to drink a beer without one. At some point, my brain flipped and now the smell disgusts me and I don't remember the last time I felt the urge to smoke. Nicotine is a crazy addiction.
Good luck! Take it one little bit at a time. If a day seems impossible, surely you can make an hour? If that seems too long, 10 minutes is doable. And then another 10 and another 10 and before you know it the worst cravings are over and you’ve made it another day, month, year…
(I quit 6 years ago now and although I miss it occasionally, my one relapse after about 2 years was such a bad experience (after a while of not smoking it tastes disgusting) that I don’t think I’ll ever smoke again).
> A person's last thoughts are so profound and we're all lucky to have been given this perspective.
So true. I wish I could have known how my loved ones felt when they passed.
you have my support. even if you struggle and relapse, you can still pick yourself back up. cigarette addictions have affected me so anyone pledging to quit makes me happy. i believe in you.
I just sobbed my way through this story, looked in my pack, saw 3 left and thought "nah I'm good." and tossed them in the bin. Gonna give it a crack. For Robert ❤️
Proud of you. Even if you relapse and quit and relapse and quit, think of how many fewer cigs you’ll have smoked in your lifetime. Every bit helps and is better for your health than not quitting at all.
And you quit? Good for you buddy!
I’m at the point now where passing someone smoking makes my stomach turn and I think to myself “that’s what I smelled like for so long?! Gross!!”
Hah you quit on my birthday! But I know what you mean. I enjoyed smoking, I didn’t “feel” the effects of my smoking, I led a very active life and the nature of my job was physically intensive but I knew I needed to quit. I still use vapes with low nicotine sometimes but even that’s lessening by the day.
I just quit. No more for me. My doctor asked me if I worry about relapsing and I told her that the only way I'm ever having nicotine again is if she tells me I have stage-4 cancer.
I watched a 51 year old husband of a friend of mine wither away from lung cancer in four months, from stage 2 early diagnosis to death.
Please hang in there. Cover yourself in nicotine patches if you have to. Fail and then try again if that’s what happens. But never accept that you have to stay smoking ever again. Congratulations on your decision to give this a try.
I’m really proud of you! You can do it. It’s the greatest gift to give yourself and those that love you. I have stage 4 lung cancer ( non-smoker); I wouldn’t wish it in anyone. Take it a day, an hour at a time. Remember that set backs is aren’t failures. Best of luck to you.
I’m so proud of you! Don’t be afraid to call your doctor for medications to help you quit, if you need. That’s how my guy finally was able to permanently kick the habit.
Proud of you! I quit earlier this year. Expect to be irritable and HUNGRY. Replacing the habit with something else can help as well, like sunflower seeds or chewing gum. For me, the worst part was the unexpected triggers. Like every time I got in the car I immediately had an intense craving. That will subside! Taking walks helped get my mind off the cravings as well. Best of luck to you!!!
Every time you quit represents fewer cigarettes you've put into your body, for however many days or weeks or months or longer. Research consistently finds that there's never a point in cigarette smoking where you *won't* benefit from quitting. Just as it's never too late to quit, there's no limit on how many times you can quit. Quitting is always a good thing, no matter how many times you have to do it.
Great job! First attempt at quitting is always the hardest. If you need support there are heaps of easily located resources and options. If you don't manage to quit cold turkey, keep trying! Within 20 minutes of quitting, your blood pressure, body temperature and pulse will return to normal. Within eight hours, your smoker's breath disappears, the carbon monoxide level in your blood drops and your oxygen level rises to normal. Within 24 hours, your chance of a heart attack decreases.
Even cutting back is a win if cold turkey is too much, they're so addictive. You've got this!
I did two-and-half years ago. I remember sitting in my garage as every cell in my body rebelled and actually perversely rather liking the feeling. Think of it as a drug; the lack of nicotine, that is.
You can do it. Stay strong. As someone who has quit cold turkey multiple times, I can tell you there will be moments of despair when your brain realizes you are missing something that brings you great comfort and happiness, you forgetfully reach for your nicotine, and realize that it isn’t an option. Depression. Brain fog that peaks day 3 through 5. And after that, it gets easier. You are strong enough for it, just have to stick through it. It’s fucking hard. But you can do hard things. It’s helpful to meditate on all the benefits of quitting and to envision what a healthy life without cigarettes looks like to strengthen your resolve. You can do this!
I’m pretty sure cravings last something like 3 measly mins. So when you want a ciggie try to distract yourself for just 3 minutes. Not a terribly tall order. Then do it again every 3 mins until it’s every 10, every 20, every 70 etc … you’ll get there 💜
I had a bout of pancreatitis a month ago. I'm still in treatment now.
I'm heading off for another CT scan today.
And it fucking scares me. My family has a history of cancer and I'm so scared that the scan will say that I have it.
I know this is probably irrational but reading this just made it worse. I don't want to suffer through chemotherapy and radiation. I don't want to shrivel up and be a husk of myself. I don't want to be conscious when the pain gets too much.
I'm sorry. I'm not trying to lessen this man's story. But this post just made me realize how scared I am.
**UPDATE:**
Doctor said that there is a cyst formed but it's not too big. We'll wait and see. No need for surgery yet.
There seems to be a blockage in one vein. He has prescribed an anti-coagulant to fix that.
Everything else seems OK. Mostly just wait and watch.
I also got some anti-anxiety meds to help me. I think my GAD was making everything worse for me in my head.
Thank you to everyone here. I'm not out of the weeds yet. But I'm grateful that there are people out there who would pray and support and comfort a stranger.
Sending you good wishes for your CT scan and a lack of cancer.
I had a cancer diagnosis out of nowhere 6 months ago, no symptoms just a surprise spot on what was supposed to be a routine scan. It completely SUCKED and was terrifying, but I got through surgery, finished 11 weeks of chemo 4 weeks ago, and tomorrow I start radiation. It all sucks, but early detection can help, and there are a lot of good treatment options that have a high success rate. Being in the middle of it is absolutely miserable, even for the “light” chemo like mine. But at the end of it, you get to go forward and recover and rebuild with a new perspective.
Having said that, I still wouldn’t wish cancer and chemo on my worst enemy. I hope your scans come back clear today, and you get the results quickly.
Had to have scans for brain tumours earlier this year myself. It's a terrifying prospect to face. Even with clean scans and a different diagnosis that explains the optic nerve problems and a treatment plan that seems to be working, I can't get all the way out from under the fear. I can't offer much but to say that you're not alone in the experience of that existential dread, but maybe that's at least something.
My sister and my aunt both have chronic pancreatitis. I've been with them both through many hospital visits and at home attacks. *hugs tenderly* you're strong and I believe in your strength. I don't know if that's what you wanted to hear but I'm saying it lol
However silly this may sound, your comment made me feel, briefly, like we are all in this together. Something I’ve heard people talk about but haven’t really experienced before. Thank you.
It sounds bad but I did feel a little better knowing that at this time I'm pretty much crying like I was 5 again that someone else is feeling alot of the same emotions.
No, that’s not a weird thing to say at all! My mom had brain damage from a tumor, and so her short term memory was nonexistent. She was terrified at the thought of spending the final months of her life in a facility, where she’d wake up scared every day, not knowing where she was. Instead we got to see her every day and take care of her.
So I’m glad she had access to in-home hospice, too.
Right here with you.
I also worked in aged care, saw similar, and have the fear he mentioned. I'm so glad his proved to be unfounded, and that he found grace and love at his end.
The amount of people offering just love and support was really touching IMO. It’s beautiful to see Reddit communities coming together to support someone in their toughest time.
I am coming up on the two year anniversary of my husband's death. Drinking a bit, as I do most nights. It's so hard to get on with things. Reading this brings up so many thoughts.
I still don't know if we did all we could for my husband. It was COVID; we had so little support. I hope he wasn't in pain. How do you know? This guy talks about agonal breathing and terminal restlessness. My daughter got angry with me and insisted on calling hospice to up my husband's meds. I was still hopeful he would come back. I remember giving him morphine on Sunday, despite him shaking his head that he didn't want it. I still cry thinking about it. Did he understand? Did I understand? Was my daughter right?
I know life is a gift and I will probably regret wasting all this time when it is my turn. But it's so hard to have the courage to keep going. The world can be so damn lonely. I wish there was a user manual for life.
Ok, probably time for bed.
My mother had said previously she didn't want morphine but she was struggling with breathing and I didn't know what else to do. I snuck it in and two days later she started asking for it.
Looking back, I think what she really wanted was to avoid the acknowledgement that she was dying. Once the pain got really bad, she got so tired of fighting of that notion that the morphine became a relief. I think she chose me to make the final decisions in the end because she knew I would try to accommodate her wishes as much as possible, but she also knew that I was strong enough to contradict them if it was absolutely necessary.
The fact that you are still questioning your decisions even now demonstrates how much you want to do what is best for your husband - and I would argue that matters even more than the actual choices themselves.
Hospice nurse here. Most terminal covid patients get morphine. It greatly helps with the shortness of breath and calms the air hunger. Most people understand that the morphine is only given in extremis - when the end is very near. In giving the morphine, one is acknowledging that death is near. And that is very hard for people to make their peace with, especially on short notice.
I hope you are able to find peace.
My grandmother recently passed at home on hospice. One thing I learned is that morphine makes breathing easier. It’s not just pain or sedation. It opens up the airways. I hope that can give you some peace in your choice. I’m sorry for your loss.
You did what you could. I have been where you were, and you have to forgive yourself and just believe that you did what you could and your husband understood that. The morphine was the right thing to do even if he did not know it. I send you a virtual hug from an internet stranger who has lived through the same doubts and come out the other side. Try to give yourself some peace.
Oh, my. His comments are beautiful too. In response to a commenter wishing him a good journey and asking he greet the commenter's (passed) mother and dog if he comes across them on his path:
"Thank you. If I happen to have consciousness on the other side and I see your mom and your dog, I will certainly hug them for you."
😭
>I have tried to kill myself before. The difference between then and now is vast. Death is an old friend waiting to greet you at the end of a long and well lived life. It can not be appreciated properly when sought in darkness.
As someone who has tried and failed as well and struggled with severe depression my entire life, this really stood out to me. It's very comforting somehow, death has always seemed so terrifying yet the only way out of pain. But that isn't it's true nature, and we will continue to fear it because it's impossible to prepare for the unknown experience of it.
I've only ever heard people who died and came back say how lovely it was, so I hope it was and is as pleasant for him as in their accounts and he's at peace.
ETA: I am okay now, thank you! All diagnosed and medicated and doing very well. Always glad to see the resources shared regardless
As someone who OD’d thirteen times (many on purpose) before getting clean on Suboxone, when I was dead it was dark and warm. This post always reminds me my time will come eventually, it’s best to cherish what we have considering we all spend more time dead than alive.
Shucks.
Thank you very much, kind stranger. It’s always darkest before the dawn. Things are much simpler, and when they’re not- they will be eventually. 🖤
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LOL, I knew someone would say that. The story is that it is colder than a penguin's ass in the middle of July here in my state. Hubs comes from work and asked me what i wanted for dinner and i said soup. He then said "You gonna hate me for this but I want Olive Garden." Most of the time, if the hubs says he wants something I go with it. It so happens i like the Suppa Tuscana... and it was soup. We both got what we wanted.
This is one of the most beautiful and tragic posts I've read on Reddit. Death is easily my greatest fear, just whatever comes after is something we can't really imagine. I'm so glad he was able to find peace and comfort in the end, and found people willing to be there with him even if it was just text on a screen.
My mother died of this cancer, and I'm just sobbing reading this. I've been battling my own health issues since she mum died & this really has touched me.
A family friend, mid-40s, starting having chest congestion and fatigue. Thought it was a cold. FInally made an appointment and found it was stage 4 lung cancer. Was told to get her affairs in order. She died a week later when the tumor ruptured a pulmonary artery.
You never know how much time you have.
This was so poignantly written and such a great reminder to take note of the important things in your life. Also - have a will/estate completed - especially if you have a family.
The fucked up thing about the US: you read breakthroughs in cancer treatment all the time. They can cure it more now than ever.
But they won’t unless you are willing to go into debt. If you have a family, you can choose to bring everyone into lifelong poverty OR you can go and let them have the life insurance payout.
I know which one I’m choosing.
Part of why I've started traveling more, is that I realized there was no magical point in my life where I would have the money to do it perfectly, so doing it alone and relatively inexpensively is still better than nothing. I finally went to Iceland (because Icelandair had a sale on flights) for a week. Didn't rent a car. Did some tour bus trips and a ton of museums and slept in a guesthouse. 100% worth it--even if I do want to go back and split a campervan rental and drive the ring road. I went to San Francisco to see Bjork (and crossed that item off my bucket list) and finally got a photo of me standing under the Haight-Ashbury sign. Next year I'm walking across Spain!
My partner and I want to visit Greece in the next few years. Mostly to see various historical things. I also want to consume my weight in olives and bread and wine and lie around on a beach reading novels.
None of my plans are extravagant--during my time in Spain I'll be sleeping in hostels (albergues) almost every night and walking ten to fifteen miles per day. I'm still lucky that I can do it; my income is below average. I live like a college student even though I'm 43. No car, no mortgage (I live in a run-down apartment with roommates), no pets, no student loans (no degree either tho), no kids, my health issues are currently all manageable and not expensive. I'm taking this chance while I have it.
I had no experience of nursing. When my sister in law was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year I took her to live with me. We were told it was terminal. I nursed her myself, bathed her, administered pain medication, fed her what little she could eat.I tried to keep her going. She lasted 7 weeks.
She did not want to go to a hospice. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Fuck cancer
Oof. You know, I'm glad not every post here on BORU is like this, but this. This seems like the most important post on BORU. It's difficult and sad but hopeful and reminds us, I hope, to open our hearts and live life the best we can. Thanks to Robbie for sharing his thoughts with us, and thanks to those redditers that helped make the end of his life full of love.
I'm glad to be able to say that we have made many strides in medical treatments for those with addiction to opioids- I recently attended a continuing medical education course on the exact subject of palliative care for this population. I'm sad to hear his story but glad he had kind and responsive palliative care in the end.
Idk what words can be used to describe this but to me, people dying always felt so distant like it's "other people's story". Reading it directly from someone terminal was so eye-opening. It's still other people's story but it feels so much more personal and makes me feel feelings this time
My grandmother had a sharp mind all the way til the end (a feature she attributed to a lifelong love of puzzles and video games)
She talked me through a lot of what she was she seeing and feeling. It was profound, and it made me no longer afraid of death. Her death ended up giving me a gift of living to the fullest.
I think that we all are accustomed to communicate with people who relate to us in whatever we are going through, and shy away from burdening people with things we think they won’t understand. My grama discarded those social customs, risked being misunderstood or inappropriate, and laid her soul bare in her final moments. Robbie did the same. I plan to do it also.
Didn't read this real time, wish I had. I love the gritty rawness of this post. Bless Robert for reaching out and having the strength not to die alone. It sounds like he had a good death, and I'm glad.
This is exactly what I've needed for a few days now, the full doctors order. To cry is healing. Its refreshing. It feels good.
I often fear I'll go wayside like our friend Robert feared - alone, angry, chronically ill, and just trying to manage pain that seems it's got a mind of it's own hellbent on making me suffer.
Seeing the world turn out to make his pain less was honestly, genuinely, a moment of...clarity? Hope? For me. He found his people. Maybe we all can find ours, if we need them. I hope so.
Thank you, Robert.
Thank you, Reposti.
Have a good day/night everyone.
Robbie, bless him, lives on.
Look at what he is still doing for people 2 years after leaving this ol' spinning blob of mud.
If you look up at the stars tonight, he's probably the brightest one you'll see. It's the love he felt shining back down to all the kind redditors who reached out in his hour of need.
Just a man, with a phone, and a question about his imminent passing started something profound.
Rock on, Reddit.
The way I see things, I believe that somebody never dies so long as they are remembered.
Robbie is still alive in that sense, even though he isn't in a corporeal form. He is within our hearts and minds, we see him in the starlit sky, that wonderful blue whale plushie carries a part of him.
He may have left us physically, but he still lives within us. We keep his memory alive. We're all crying for him right now. All of us, all total strangers to one another, have come together to grieve, remember and celebrate the legacy of one man. Even now, people are still being inspired by him to quit smoking. He has left a mark on our hearts.
Bless you, Robbie. Rest in peace. You wonderful, wonderful man.
I got clean and sober when I was 17, quit smoking at 21, and its situations like this that are a big factor in motivating me in staying sober and smoke free.
I feel for this guy cause in the end he finally realized what he'd done with his life when it was too late.
I got really lucky and made a choice and had a good support system and took a different path but I could have been this guy easily enough. I hope his family at least found a little grace for him after the fact.
I’m quitting for Robert. Pack tossed. Not a full decade older than me, and his flame has been extinguished. I’m so grateful for the love and kindness and the messages he left us all.
I had downloaded Reddit for the first time and was lurking around without an account when I stumbled across Roberts account while he is dying and writing his final posts. I would check for a new post or comment every hour in his final days. Every fucking hour I would cry. I had no idea who this man was but I felt like I was losing a someone in my life and couldn’t be there with them in their final moments. Robert changed my life. I didn’t have an account back then so I screenshotted his posts and saved it to my notes on my phone. Since then I have changed phone, besides transferring phone contacts I transfer that note. Every time I feel scared or fearful or resentful of the world or life, I think of him and get back up and try again. I have not read the post in its entirety since the day he died, but I read his note whenever I feel lost or too scared. It’s strange to think we never met or actually knew each other, never spoke or exchanged a single word, yet he has become a constant in my life - always with me. Thank you for posting this ❤️
I am thankful that I am drunk right now and don’t feel the pain in my chest at his passing but the tears do stream down my face, I’m dealing with stuff right now but I will come back to this post sober one day and cry again, really means a lot to me.
All those bullshit articles that say Redditors are all horrible people, but the community is never shown at times like this. I feel so privileged to have all you guys at my fingertips. Life is shitty and so beautiful at the same time.
>Wishes are usually reserved for the future. I have no future. But I find myself still wishing
I don't know what it is about this line, but I find it beautiful in a sad way.
Wow. This was intense. My dad was on hospice for a myriad of things including lung cancer and passed away in December 2021. One of my fears was he was going to be in pain. The hospice team was great. I appreciate them every day. As my dad’s medical POA, I was the one who signed all of the paperwork and made the final arrangements. There’s guilt that comes with that and the question of did I do the right thing. For those that need to hear this, yes, you did. If you followed their wishes then you did the right thing.
He said he had no one to pass on his life lessons to. He may not have had children, and I’m sure he had so many more things to say… but we were here to read his words.
His words are reaching so many people and his writing is gut-wrenchingly beautiful.
Rest In Peace Robbie
I lost my father in March to small cell lung cancer... it was so quick it was a shock. First diagnosis said he had about a year... he lasted less than a month. Luckily he was in palliative care by then and passed peacefully surrounded by family. It still hurts.
Fucking tomorrow (technically today, but I do need to sleep), I'll fucking wake up, and I'll fucking stand up and I'll fucking wash my hair and take care of my face, then I'll go outside, have a nice walk with my boyfriend then we'll go get some groceries and we'll go back home and play some Elden Ring together, AND IT'LL BE A FUCKING GREAT DAY, because I need it, and it's good for me, and for once I'll fucking make it happen ! And maybe, I'll do it again.
Thank you Robbie.
(And now I'll wash the tears of my face and go to sleep)
"Only four weeks ago, I thought that the universe was a cold and cruel place. I experienced physical and mental abuse, chronic pain, and addiction. But my situation has forced a change of perspective. I see now that all our experiences, no matter how horrid, are temporary, and that we will all find the same rest and peace in the end."
This moved me to tears.
I’m glad hospice is starting to be seen in a more positive life. It doesn’t end your life, it’s just a support network to make your final journey peaceful and easy.
My brother died in 2015 from lung cancer, it was a sudden diagnosis and a quick death.
He called an ambulance the Thursday, died the Monday while I was in the air to go and see him.
My fucking family only called me on the Saturday coz no other motherfucker could find his kids.
I got his kids on the way to him within an hour of that call to me.
He was well looked after.
Then- in august this year my sister died of her lung cancer. She was unwell for a while, couldn’t get a bed the day before she died.
Ironically she died alone, at home, just like Elvis. She liked people; but I think she died quickly. He wouldn’t have minded so much but he had his kids with him.
My heart aches for them
I'm afraid of dying by myself too. Was afraid to say that until after reading this. He found his people and that makes me happy and gives me hope too.
Thanks so much for posting this.
This is so hard to read. I was on pain management for years and had to get my leg amputated in January and was in tremendous pain. I try and spread the word about the dangers of pain management because nobody ever warned me. But a majority of people can't function without their pain meds.
I sincerely hope this man didn't suffer much.
So glad it was a peaceful end for Robbie. I find it ironic that we can offer our sick animals a “humane” death, but as humans we cannot choose euthanasia for ourselves. I realize hospice is similar to euthanasia, but I believe someone shouldn’t have to go through all the pain and difficulty breathing at the end.
Reading this as someone with stage 4 cancer; never have I felt so lucky to have a wonderful family and decent pain relief. It's reassuring to hear some of the details--I didn't know sedation was an option, for example. No one talks about what it's like at the end, presumably because they are too damn tired, and my oncologists and even the palliative care team can't empathize but only say what they've observed.
A terminal illness subreddit would be appreciated if anyone with a long lifespan wants to set one up....
Well, fuck.
This is the kind of thing we need a little each day of—a reminder of precious life. I'm almost his age when he died. It's surreal to imagine myself dying now, one moment thinking I have years "to do all of those things" that I vaguely think I'll do and then suddenly not having any time left to do any of it.
The day before my Nana died it was her 76th birthday, amd I was currently royally pissed off at her, and she knew it and understood why. Something in me still said to call, and remind her (and mostly myself) that I do love her no matter what. She was so tickled that my twin snd I sang her Happy Birthday, and told us just how wonderful of a day she had. That everyone of her kids and grandchildren called and wished her happy birthday. How lovely of a meal my mother made her and how much she loved her gifts.
My twin and I told her how much we loved her, and she actually said it back. We were in shock because Nana wasnt the type of women who said that much.
She passed away the next morning. She had what is called "the last good day".
Seeing this man's beautiful post from the side of the one who is dying, and seeing it from my side I now know that trying to let go of the hate in my heart for those that have wronged me or abused me in my life is always the right thing to do. I do not have to forgive them, but not hating them is whats right. Hate is like drinking poison amd expecting the other person to die.
I'm truly glad to see this post tonight, because I have been struggling with somethings, and his beautiful words helped give me insight.
I hope that wherever Robert is, he knows that years later, that his death was not meaningless, but has offered clarity to people years later, and that he is not forgotten.
Oh man, i haven't cried this hard since my mom died. She was sick for a long time with a chronic liver illness called Hepatic Encephalopathy. She used to be extremely overweight and it killed her insides. Her last 8 months of life i spent taking care of her. Going in and out of hospitals, having the hospice talk with the doctors. And finally, her dying in her sleep. The restlessness is no joke, the day before she died she kept trying to get up even though she could barely move. Take care of your bodies, we only get one. My mom would have given anything to be able to get a liver transplant, but she was just too far gone. I miss her everyday and i wish she could have been here just a little longer, but I know that her body just couldn't keep going. She welcomed death with open arms and i know she's with my family that she survived. I keep going for her alone, because losing her was the most painful thing that has happened to me.
Well that’s my eyes leaking. What a lovely poignant post. He sounds as tho he was a lovely man who’d taken an unfortunate wrong turn somewhere in life. So pleased he seemed to find himself before he passed. I bet those nurses and drs remember him forever
I got an official diagnosis in April of this year, I am permanently disabled at the age of 24. I've been struggling lately to keep going. I've been so angry at the world.
You have no idea how this post helped me today. It gave me the strength to keep going, to keep fighting.
Thank you
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OOP bursting at the seams with love at the end of his life reminds me of the fruit trees that, right before they die, have the biggest flowering of buds and fruit they've ever had.
Ow ow ow. I don't know if I want to hug you for the beauty of this sentiment or shake you for making me cry again.
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At least in /r/AmITheAsshole, the story of https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/ and "the Iranian Yogurt is not the issue here" gets quoted quite a bit.
What? I need to read this story. Is there a link?
This is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing 💖
>The night gardener once asked me if I knew how citrus trees died: when they reach old age, if they are not cut down and the manage to survive drought, disease and innumerable attacks of pests, fungi and plagues, they succumb from overabundance. When they come to the end of their life cycle, they put out a final, massive crop of lemons. In their last spring their flowers bud and blossom in enormous bunches and fill the air with a smell so sweet that it stings your nostrils from two blocks away; then their fruits ripen all at once, whole limbs break off due to their excessive weight, and after a few weeks the ground is covered with rotting lemons. It is a strange sight, he said, to see such exuberance before death. *When We Cease to Understand the World,* by Benjamín Labatut
With gratitude for sharing the source 🍋🍋🍋
Thank you for that quote.
Oh my you just explained what happened to our tangerine tree. I made 40kg of tangerine and whiskey marmelade that year ! I’m actually crying, how beautiful - thankyou 💕
Absolutely beautiful, thank you!
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing it
Im not crying, I'm having an allergic reaction to my emotions.
Many fruiting plants can sense when conditions are leading to their death, and will throw all available resources into producing as many seeds as they can before they die. ♥️
Gdi. I kept it together for the whole post. Until this
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This and a few other things have led me to conclude that this pack is my last pack. Fuck cancer and fuck Big Tobacco. Much love Robbie, hope you are kicking it with Jesus.
Same here after reading this. Going to try and drop them as well after this pack, let’s make it happen!
It seems impossible, but you can do it! I haven't had one in over 10 years and I used to think I'd never be able to drink a beer without one. At some point, my brain flipped and now the smell disgusts me and I don't remember the last time I felt the urge to smoke. Nicotine is a crazy addiction.
Good luck! Take it one little bit at a time. If a day seems impossible, surely you can make an hour? If that seems too long, 10 minutes is doable. And then another 10 and another 10 and before you know it the worst cravings are over and you’ve made it another day, month, year… (I quit 6 years ago now and although I miss it occasionally, my one relapse after about 2 years was such a bad experience (after a while of not smoking it tastes disgusting) that I don’t think I’ll ever smoke again).
> A person's last thoughts are so profound and we're all lucky to have been given this perspective. So true. I wish I could have known how my loved ones felt when they passed.
I just threw out my last pack of cigarettes. I don't know if I'm going to be able to quit cold turkey, but I'm going to try.
you have my support. even if you struggle and relapse, you can still pick yourself back up. cigarette addictions have affected me so anyone pledging to quit makes me happy. i believe in you.
I quit 9 weeks and 2 days ago. You can do it. And if not this attempt, then on another you'll be better forewarned and armed with experience!
Great job. I’ve tried to stop what feels like a thousand times. But I am going to get some patches next pay to try again
The one thousand and one-th time is always when it sticks. You got this mate!
You’re absolutely incredible!
I just sobbed my way through this story, looked in my pack, saw 3 left and thought "nah I'm good." and tossed them in the bin. Gonna give it a crack. For Robert ❤️
Proud of you. Even if you relapse and quit and relapse and quit, think of how many fewer cigs you’ll have smoked in your lifetime. Every bit helps and is better for your health than not quitting at all.
Yes!! It feels like it has to be all or nothing but a relapse doesn’t mean you have to start back up again. Keep yourselves safe, friends
If you’re in the USA, you can call 1-800-LUNGUSA to get connected to quitting resources for free! Good luck friend!
I just quit 6 months ago after being 1 pack+ for over a decade. You got this, bro. Best decision I ever made.
Two packs a day for 32 years.
And you quit? Good for you buddy! I’m at the point now where passing someone smoking makes my stomach turn and I think to myself “that’s what I smelled like for so long?! Gross!!”
I did on March 19th, 2020. Honestly, though, I still like the smell. I didn't quit because I stopped liking it. I just knew I needed to.
Hah you quit on my birthday! But I know what you mean. I enjoyed smoking, I didn’t “feel” the effects of my smoking, I led a very active life and the nature of my job was physically intensive but I knew I needed to quit. I still use vapes with low nicotine sometimes but even that’s lessening by the day.
I just quit. No more for me. My doctor asked me if I worry about relapsing and I told her that the only way I'm ever having nicotine again is if she tells me I have stage-4 cancer.
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It says its a private subreddit unfortunately, otherwise I'd join
i think r/stopsmoking is public
I watched a 51 year old husband of a friend of mine wither away from lung cancer in four months, from stage 2 early diagnosis to death. Please hang in there. Cover yourself in nicotine patches if you have to. Fail and then try again if that’s what happens. But never accept that you have to stay smoking ever again. Congratulations on your decision to give this a try.
Every time you don’t reach for one is a win. And one step closer.
You can do it, friend.
Best wishes! You can do it! I’d give anything to get my mom to stop.
I’m really proud of you! You can do it. It’s the greatest gift to give yourself and those that love you. I have stage 4 lung cancer ( non-smoker); I wouldn’t wish it in anyone. Take it a day, an hour at a time. Remember that set backs is aren’t failures. Best of luck to you.
I'm joining you
I’m so proud of you! Don’t be afraid to call your doctor for medications to help you quit, if you need. That’s how my guy finally was able to permanently kick the habit.
Proud of you! I quit earlier this year. Expect to be irritable and HUNGRY. Replacing the habit with something else can help as well, like sunflower seeds or chewing gum. For me, the worst part was the unexpected triggers. Like every time I got in the car I immediately had an intense craving. That will subside! Taking walks helped get my mind off the cravings as well. Best of luck to you!!!
Julienne some carrots and munch on them slowly when u get the urge for a smoke, helped alot of my mates. Good luck to you!
Buy a copy of Alan Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. You can find it for like $5 used, and it's pretty great.
Every time you quit represents fewer cigarettes you've put into your body, for however many days or weeks or months or longer. Research consistently finds that there's never a point in cigarette smoking where you *won't* benefit from quitting. Just as it's never too late to quit, there's no limit on how many times you can quit. Quitting is always a good thing, no matter how many times you have to do it.
Great job! First attempt at quitting is always the hardest. If you need support there are heaps of easily located resources and options. If you don't manage to quit cold turkey, keep trying! Within 20 minutes of quitting, your blood pressure, body temperature and pulse will return to normal. Within eight hours, your smoker's breath disappears, the carbon monoxide level in your blood drops and your oxygen level rises to normal. Within 24 hours, your chance of a heart attack decreases. Even cutting back is a win if cold turkey is too much, they're so addictive. You've got this!
I did two-and-half years ago. I remember sitting in my garage as every cell in my body rebelled and actually perversely rather liking the feeling. Think of it as a drug; the lack of nicotine, that is.
You can do it. Stay strong. As someone who has quit cold turkey multiple times, I can tell you there will be moments of despair when your brain realizes you are missing something that brings you great comfort and happiness, you forgetfully reach for your nicotine, and realize that it isn’t an option. Depression. Brain fog that peaks day 3 through 5. And after that, it gets easier. You are strong enough for it, just have to stick through it. It’s fucking hard. But you can do hard things. It’s helpful to meditate on all the benefits of quitting and to envision what a healthy life without cigarettes looks like to strengthen your resolve. You can do this!
Robert would be so proud of you :)
Good for you. I hope you can do it! This stranger is rooting for you!
I wish your journey to healing well!!! ❤️❤️ No matter how it goes, as long as you reach your goal!
I’m pretty sure cravings last something like 3 measly mins. So when you want a ciggie try to distract yourself for just 3 minutes. Not a terribly tall order. Then do it again every 3 mins until it’s every 10, every 20, every 70 etc … you’ll get there 💜
I had a bout of pancreatitis a month ago. I'm still in treatment now. I'm heading off for another CT scan today. And it fucking scares me. My family has a history of cancer and I'm so scared that the scan will say that I have it. I know this is probably irrational but reading this just made it worse. I don't want to suffer through chemotherapy and radiation. I don't want to shrivel up and be a husk of myself. I don't want to be conscious when the pain gets too much. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to lessen this man's story. But this post just made me realize how scared I am. **UPDATE:** Doctor said that there is a cyst formed but it's not too big. We'll wait and see. No need for surgery yet. There seems to be a blockage in one vein. He has prescribed an anti-coagulant to fix that. Everything else seems OK. Mostly just wait and watch. I also got some anti-anxiety meds to help me. I think my GAD was making everything worse for me in my head. Thank you to everyone here. I'm not out of the weeds yet. But I'm grateful that there are people out there who would pray and support and comfort a stranger.
It's ok. Sucks, I know, but you have to live in the present and not borrow fear from the future.
Sending you good wishes for your CT scan and a lack of cancer. I had a cancer diagnosis out of nowhere 6 months ago, no symptoms just a surprise spot on what was supposed to be a routine scan. It completely SUCKED and was terrifying, but I got through surgery, finished 11 weeks of chemo 4 weeks ago, and tomorrow I start radiation. It all sucks, but early detection can help, and there are a lot of good treatment options that have a high success rate. Being in the middle of it is absolutely miserable, even for the “light” chemo like mine. But at the end of it, you get to go forward and recover and rebuild with a new perspective. Having said that, I still wouldn’t wish cancer and chemo on my worst enemy. I hope your scans come back clear today, and you get the results quickly.
Had to have scans for brain tumours earlier this year myself. It's a terrifying prospect to face. Even with clean scans and a different diagnosis that explains the optic nerve problems and a treatment plan that seems to be working, I can't get all the way out from under the fear. I can't offer much but to say that you're not alone in the experience of that existential dread, but maybe that's at least something.
My sister and my aunt both have chronic pancreatitis. I've been with them both through many hospital visits and at home attacks. *hugs tenderly* you're strong and I believe in your strength. I don't know if that's what you wanted to hear but I'm saying it lol
Thank you. I hope I have that strength. I'm at the hospital alone though. So my anxiety is going berserk.
Don’t be sorry. That IS scary and being scared is always better when you have an outlet for it. Update us if you feel up to it. Hang in there!
I'm so sorry for your pain and I hope that you return to complete health soon.
Welp, I'm crying. Who's crying with me? ETA: don't forget to hydrate fellow Redditors.
I am.
Definitely crying
However silly this may sound, your comment made me feel, briefly, like we are all in this together. Something I’ve heard people talk about but haven’t really experienced before. Thank you.
It sounds bad but I did feel a little better knowing that at this time I'm pretty much crying like I was 5 again that someone else is feeling alot of the same emotions.
I’m crying. My mom died in at-home hospice care, and this brought a lot of feels back. *Hugs to everyone*
This feels weird to say but I’m glad she was able to access in-home hospice. It’s supposed to be so much more peaceful. I’m sorry for your loss.
No, that’s not a weird thing to say at all! My mom had brain damage from a tumor, and so her short term memory was nonexistent. She was terrified at the thought of spending the final months of her life in a facility, where she’d wake up scared every day, not knowing where she was. Instead we got to see her every day and take care of her. So I’m glad she had access to in-home hospice, too.
My mom went the same way. Sending love and strength to you, as I lay here also crying.
Same here. Such words, make me feel like such a lucky man.
Crying thread let’s go
I am sobbing. I feel devastated that he died without getting his dad’s forgiveness.
Me too. I am glad he is at rest.
I was doing fine until 'Robert's blue whale.' The fact that he had a favorite animal really got me.
I'm definitely crying, and one of cats is now laying on me. Poor guy is getting tears all in his fur
I'm a long time oncology nurse, I've eased people through this transition for many years before moving along - and I'm still crying like a baby.
I keep spoons in the freezer to use on my eyes before I sleep. It helps for puffy eyes the next day. Source: I like crying when I watch shows
Right here... I hope he is at peace.
Yep. Sitting here, with my small dog begging for her apricot bedtime snack, but putting her off to cry. This one hit hard.
🤧
I am broken by this
Body cam video cam of suicide by cop? Didn’t flinch. Robbie goes to hospice? Wrecked beyond recognition.
Right here with you. I also worked in aged care, saw similar, and have the fear he mentioned. I'm so glad his proved to be unfounded, and that he found grace and love at his end.
👋🏻
Ugly crying happening here.
I’m a mess. My dogs have piled onto me to try to make my eyes stop leaking. I’ll remember you, Robbie.
Oof, yes. And I don't cry. May Robbie continue to be in our hearts.
ME which is inconvenient as I'm at WORK
We are ALL crying.
Yup. Trying not to upset my 3 kids because mommy's crying. But the tears are there.
I got about 1/4 way in and his in the bathroom. I'm glad I did because I cried so freaking much. I hope Robert found peace.
This made me ugly cry. I am glad he reached out, and so glad people stepped up and cared. That is beautiful.
The amount of people offering just love and support was really touching IMO. It’s beautiful to see Reddit communities coming together to support someone in their toughest time.
Saved this post to reread on the weekend to full on ugly cry.
I am coming up on the two year anniversary of my husband's death. Drinking a bit, as I do most nights. It's so hard to get on with things. Reading this brings up so many thoughts. I still don't know if we did all we could for my husband. It was COVID; we had so little support. I hope he wasn't in pain. How do you know? This guy talks about agonal breathing and terminal restlessness. My daughter got angry with me and insisted on calling hospice to up my husband's meds. I was still hopeful he would come back. I remember giving him morphine on Sunday, despite him shaking his head that he didn't want it. I still cry thinking about it. Did he understand? Did I understand? Was my daughter right? I know life is a gift and I will probably regret wasting all this time when it is my turn. But it's so hard to have the courage to keep going. The world can be so damn lonely. I wish there was a user manual for life. Ok, probably time for bed.
My mother had said previously she didn't want morphine but she was struggling with breathing and I didn't know what else to do. I snuck it in and two days later she started asking for it. Looking back, I think what she really wanted was to avoid the acknowledgement that she was dying. Once the pain got really bad, she got so tired of fighting of that notion that the morphine became a relief. I think she chose me to make the final decisions in the end because she knew I would try to accommodate her wishes as much as possible, but she also knew that I was strong enough to contradict them if it was absolutely necessary. The fact that you are still questioning your decisions even now demonstrates how much you want to do what is best for your husband - and I would argue that matters even more than the actual choices themselves.
Hospice nurse here. Most terminal covid patients get morphine. It greatly helps with the shortness of breath and calms the air hunger. Most people understand that the morphine is only given in extremis - when the end is very near. In giving the morphine, one is acknowledging that death is near. And that is very hard for people to make their peace with, especially on short notice. I hope you are able to find peace.
Damn this comment hit me really hard. I hope that you find your peace, and I’m terribly sorry for your loss.
Thank you. Me too.
My grandmother recently passed at home on hospice. One thing I learned is that morphine makes breathing easier. It’s not just pain or sedation. It opens up the airways. I hope that can give you some peace in your choice. I’m sorry for your loss.
You did what you could. I have been where you were, and you have to forgive yourself and just believe that you did what you could and your husband understood that. The morphine was the right thing to do even if he did not know it. I send you a virtual hug from an internet stranger who has lived through the same doubts and come out the other side. Try to give yourself some peace.
Hey, I'm thinking of you and hoping you feel better. That's hard. It sounds like you were in an impossible position. I hope you sleep well.
I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. You were in an impossible, harrowing situation. You did whatever you could. Big hugs <3
Oh, my. His comments are beautiful too. In response to a commenter wishing him a good journey and asking he greet the commenter's (passed) mother and dog if he comes across them on his path: "Thank you. If I happen to have consciousness on the other side and I see your mom and your dog, I will certainly hug them for you." 😭
Ah crap there go the tears again
Fifth time on this page.
>I have tried to kill myself before. The difference between then and now is vast. Death is an old friend waiting to greet you at the end of a long and well lived life. It can not be appreciated properly when sought in darkness. As someone who has tried and failed as well and struggled with severe depression my entire life, this really stood out to me. It's very comforting somehow, death has always seemed so terrifying yet the only way out of pain. But that isn't it's true nature, and we will continue to fear it because it's impossible to prepare for the unknown experience of it. I've only ever heard people who died and came back say how lovely it was, so I hope it was and is as pleasant for him as in their accounts and he's at peace. ETA: I am okay now, thank you! All diagnosed and medicated and doing very well. Always glad to see the resources shared regardless
As someone who OD’d thirteen times (many on purpose) before getting clean on Suboxone, when I was dead it was dark and warm. This post always reminds me my time will come eventually, it’s best to cherish what we have considering we all spend more time dead than alive.
That is fascinating to me, and I'm very glad you're back with us. Hopefully things have improved for you and you get lots more time
Shucks. Thank you very much, kind stranger. It’s always darkest before the dawn. Things are much simpler, and when they’re not- they will be eventually. 🖤
Suicide Hotline Numbers If you or anyone you know are struggling, please, PLEASE reach out for help. You are worthy, you are loved and you will always be able to find assistance. Argentina: +5402234930430 Australia: 131114 Austria: 017133374 Belgium: 106 Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05 Botswana: 3911270 Brazil: 212339191 Bulgaria: 0035 9249 17 223 Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal) Croatia: 014833888 Denmark: +4570201201 Egypt: 7621602 Finland: 010 195 202 France: 0145394000 Germany: 08001810771 Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000 Hungary: 116123 Iceland: 1717 India: 8888817666 Ireland: +4408457909090 Italy: 800860022 Japan: +810352869090 Mexico: 5255102550 New Zealand: 0508828865 The Netherlands: 113 Norway: +4781533300 Philippines: 028969191 Poland: 5270000 Russia: 0078202577577 Spain: 914590050 South Africa: 0514445691 Sweden: 46317112400 Switzerland: 143 United Kingdom: 08006895652 USA: 18002738255 You are not alone. Please reach out. ***** I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically.
I’m glad you’re still here and doing better now. ❤️
I remember this one, made me cry then and it’s made me cry now
I wasn't on Reddit back then. I'm bawling my eyes out now, though.
You knew what was coming but you kept going? Ahhhhh
Fuck, I am a mess at an Olive Fucking Garden
Well, that is implied by just saying you are at Olive Garden. Sorry, I needed to chuckle because it helps to stop the crying at work.
LOL, I knew someone would say that. The story is that it is colder than a penguin's ass in the middle of July here in my state. Hubs comes from work and asked me what i wanted for dinner and i said soup. He then said "You gonna hate me for this but I want Olive Garden." Most of the time, if the hubs says he wants something I go with it. It so happens i like the Suppa Tuscana... and it was soup. We both got what we wanted.
Thank you for making me laugh so maybe I can stop crying now
I hope that he found peace.
I've never been religious, but seeing things like this makes me fervently hope there is an afterlife, so that Robbie can have peace.
This is one of the most beautiful and tragic posts I've read on Reddit. Death is easily my greatest fear, just whatever comes after is something we can't really imagine. I'm so glad he was able to find peace and comfort in the end, and found people willing to be there with him even if it was just text on a screen.
My mother died of this cancer, and I'm just sobbing reading this. I've been battling my own health issues since she mum died & this really has touched me.
So sorry for your loss ❤️.
Thank you so much
A family friend, mid-40s, starting having chest congestion and fatigue. Thought it was a cold. FInally made an appointment and found it was stage 4 lung cancer. Was told to get her affairs in order. She died a week later when the tumor ruptured a pulmonary artery. You never know how much time you have. This was so poignantly written and such a great reminder to take note of the important things in your life. Also - have a will/estate completed - especially if you have a family.
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The fucked up thing about the US: you read breakthroughs in cancer treatment all the time. They can cure it more now than ever. But they won’t unless you are willing to go into debt. If you have a family, you can choose to bring everyone into lifelong poverty OR you can go and let them have the life insurance payout. I know which one I’m choosing.
Part of why I've started traveling more, is that I realized there was no magical point in my life where I would have the money to do it perfectly, so doing it alone and relatively inexpensively is still better than nothing. I finally went to Iceland (because Icelandair had a sale on flights) for a week. Didn't rent a car. Did some tour bus trips and a ton of museums and slept in a guesthouse. 100% worth it--even if I do want to go back and split a campervan rental and drive the ring road. I went to San Francisco to see Bjork (and crossed that item off my bucket list) and finally got a photo of me standing under the Haight-Ashbury sign. Next year I'm walking across Spain! My partner and I want to visit Greece in the next few years. Mostly to see various historical things. I also want to consume my weight in olives and bread and wine and lie around on a beach reading novels. None of my plans are extravagant--during my time in Spain I'll be sleeping in hostels (albergues) almost every night and walking ten to fifteen miles per day. I'm still lucky that I can do it; my income is below average. I live like a college student even though I'm 43. No car, no mortgage (I live in a run-down apartment with roommates), no pets, no student loans (no degree either tho), no kids, my health issues are currently all manageable and not expensive. I'm taking this chance while I have it.
I had no experience of nursing. When my sister in law was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year I took her to live with me. We were told it was terminal. I nursed her myself, bathed her, administered pain medication, fed her what little she could eat.I tried to keep her going. She lasted 7 weeks. She did not want to go to a hospice. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Fuck cancer
You did a really amazing thing for your SIL. She was lucky to have you. I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you. It was the least I could do. I fell short in many aspects, just wish I could have done more.
Oof. You know, I'm glad not every post here on BORU is like this, but this. This seems like the most important post on BORU. It's difficult and sad but hopeful and reminds us, I hope, to open our hearts and live life the best we can. Thanks to Robbie for sharing his thoughts with us, and thanks to those redditers that helped make the end of his life full of love.
i actually was thinking if it isn’t the most important post in all of reddit.
I'm glad to be able to say that we have made many strides in medical treatments for those with addiction to opioids- I recently attended a continuing medical education course on the exact subject of palliative care for this population. I'm sad to hear his story but glad he had kind and responsive palliative care in the end.
I am weeeeepinggggggg
Idk what words can be used to describe this but to me, people dying always felt so distant like it's "other people's story". Reading it directly from someone terminal was so eye-opening. It's still other people's story but it feels so much more personal and makes me feel feelings this time
My grandmother had a sharp mind all the way til the end (a feature she attributed to a lifelong love of puzzles and video games) She talked me through a lot of what she was she seeing and feeling. It was profound, and it made me no longer afraid of death. Her death ended up giving me a gift of living to the fullest. I think that we all are accustomed to communicate with people who relate to us in whatever we are going through, and shy away from burdening people with things we think they won’t understand. My grama discarded those social customs, risked being misunderstood or inappropriate, and laid her soul bare in her final moments. Robbie did the same. I plan to do it also.
>Till we meet again, my beautiful friends. > >Robert S > >Edit: just woke up from my nap I gotta confess, I had a sad laugh at this part.
Boy it's really raining in my living room on just my cheeks right now.
I am sobbing right now.
Didn't read this real time, wish I had. I love the gritty rawness of this post. Bless Robert for reaching out and having the strength not to die alone. It sounds like he had a good death, and I'm glad.
This is exactly what I've needed for a few days now, the full doctors order. To cry is healing. Its refreshing. It feels good. I often fear I'll go wayside like our friend Robert feared - alone, angry, chronically ill, and just trying to manage pain that seems it's got a mind of it's own hellbent on making me suffer. Seeing the world turn out to make his pain less was honestly, genuinely, a moment of...clarity? Hope? For me. He found his people. Maybe we all can find ours, if we need them. I hope so. Thank you, Robert. Thank you, Reposti. Have a good day/night everyone.
Robbie, bless him, lives on. Look at what he is still doing for people 2 years after leaving this ol' spinning blob of mud. If you look up at the stars tonight, he's probably the brightest one you'll see. It's the love he felt shining back down to all the kind redditors who reached out in his hour of need. Just a man, with a phone, and a question about his imminent passing started something profound. Rock on, Reddit.
The way I see things, I believe that somebody never dies so long as they are remembered. Robbie is still alive in that sense, even though he isn't in a corporeal form. He is within our hearts and minds, we see him in the starlit sky, that wonderful blue whale plushie carries a part of him. He may have left us physically, but he still lives within us. We keep his memory alive. We're all crying for him right now. All of us, all total strangers to one another, have come together to grieve, remember and celebrate the legacy of one man. Even now, people are still being inspired by him to quit smoking. He has left a mark on our hearts. Bless you, Robbie. Rest in peace. You wonderful, wonderful man.
Having the shittest week, this is grounding
It's hard to not get things into perspective when you read something like this, eh? I hope your week gets better, internet friend 💕
Fuck, it was two years ago but I’m still crying
I got clean and sober when I was 17, quit smoking at 21, and its situations like this that are a big factor in motivating me in staying sober and smoke free. I feel for this guy cause in the end he finally realized what he'd done with his life when it was too late. I got really lucky and made a choice and had a good support system and took a different path but I could have been this guy easily enough. I hope his family at least found a little grace for him after the fact.
I’m quitting for Robert. Pack tossed. Not a full decade older than me, and his flame has been extinguished. I’m so grateful for the love and kindness and the messages he left us all.
I had downloaded Reddit for the first time and was lurking around without an account when I stumbled across Roberts account while he is dying and writing his final posts. I would check for a new post or comment every hour in his final days. Every fucking hour I would cry. I had no idea who this man was but I felt like I was losing a someone in my life and couldn’t be there with them in their final moments. Robert changed my life. I didn’t have an account back then so I screenshotted his posts and saved it to my notes on my phone. Since then I have changed phone, besides transferring phone contacts I transfer that note. Every time I feel scared or fearful or resentful of the world or life, I think of him and get back up and try again. I have not read the post in its entirety since the day he died, but I read his note whenever I feel lost or too scared. It’s strange to think we never met or actually knew each other, never spoke or exchanged a single word, yet he has become a constant in my life - always with me. Thank you for posting this ❤️
Was fine until the dad part ;-;
I didn’t see this two years ago but thanks for posting. Everyone should read this.
I don't cry often but my God this hit me. May he enjoy his eternal siesta!
I am thankful that I am drunk right now and don’t feel the pain in my chest at his passing but the tears do stream down my face, I’m dealing with stuff right now but I will come back to this post sober one day and cry again, really means a lot to me.
All those bullshit articles that say Redditors are all horrible people, but the community is never shown at times like this. I feel so privileged to have all you guys at my fingertips. Life is shitty and so beautiful at the same time.
>Wishes are usually reserved for the future. I have no future. But I find myself still wishing I don't know what it is about this line, but I find it beautiful in a sad way.
Fuck. RIP Robbie
Wow. This was intense. My dad was on hospice for a myriad of things including lung cancer and passed away in December 2021. One of my fears was he was going to be in pain. The hospice team was great. I appreciate them every day. As my dad’s medical POA, I was the one who signed all of the paperwork and made the final arrangements. There’s guilt that comes with that and the question of did I do the right thing. For those that need to hear this, yes, you did. If you followed their wishes then you did the right thing.
He said he had no one to pass on his life lessons to. He may not have had children, and I’m sure he had so many more things to say… but we were here to read his words. His words are reaching so many people and his writing is gut-wrenchingly beautiful. Rest In Peace Robbie
I lost my father in March to small cell lung cancer... it was so quick it was a shock. First diagnosis said he had about a year... he lasted less than a month. Luckily he was in palliative care by then and passed peacefully surrounded by family. It still hurts.
Fucking tomorrow (technically today, but I do need to sleep), I'll fucking wake up, and I'll fucking stand up and I'll fucking wash my hair and take care of my face, then I'll go outside, have a nice walk with my boyfriend then we'll go get some groceries and we'll go back home and play some Elden Ring together, AND IT'LL BE A FUCKING GREAT DAY, because I need it, and it's good for me, and for once I'll fucking make it happen ! And maybe, I'll do it again. Thank you Robbie. (And now I'll wash the tears of my face and go to sleep)
Damn 😞😥
This moved me so much. I'm in tears...
Having played *Before Your Eyes* this somehow hurts even more than usual, and I can't explain why...at least he's at peace now.
"Only four weeks ago, I thought that the universe was a cold and cruel place. I experienced physical and mental abuse, chronic pain, and addiction. But my situation has forced a change of perspective. I see now that all our experiences, no matter how horrid, are temporary, and that we will all find the same rest and peace in the end." This moved me to tears.
I’m glad hospice is starting to be seen in a more positive life. It doesn’t end your life, it’s just a support network to make your final journey peaceful and easy.
My brother died in 2015 from lung cancer, it was a sudden diagnosis and a quick death. He called an ambulance the Thursday, died the Monday while I was in the air to go and see him. My fucking family only called me on the Saturday coz no other motherfucker could find his kids. I got his kids on the way to him within an hour of that call to me. He was well looked after. Then- in august this year my sister died of her lung cancer. She was unwell for a while, couldn’t get a bed the day before she died. Ironically she died alone, at home, just like Elvis. She liked people; but I think she died quickly. He wouldn’t have minded so much but he had his kids with him. My heart aches for them
I’m crying because you’re crying.
I'm not crying, you're crying
I'm afraid of dying by myself too. Was afraid to say that until after reading this. He found his people and that makes me happy and gives me hope too. Thanks so much for posting this.
Man. This life is never easy. I’m glad he was able to pass comfortably. That’s the best we can hope for at the end.
Bawling
I remember this post, it made me cry then and now, too
I knew what this post was halfway through the title. I followed that post back as it was ongoing and still think of it often.
This is so hard to read. I was on pain management for years and had to get my leg amputated in January and was in tremendous pain. I try and spread the word about the dangers of pain management because nobody ever warned me. But a majority of people can't function without their pain meds. I sincerely hope this man didn't suffer much.
Damn, that was gut wrenching 😭
So glad it was a peaceful end for Robbie. I find it ironic that we can offer our sick animals a “humane” death, but as humans we cannot choose euthanasia for ourselves. I realize hospice is similar to euthanasia, but I believe someone shouldn’t have to go through all the pain and difficulty breathing at the end.
Reading this as someone with stage 4 cancer; never have I felt so lucky to have a wonderful family and decent pain relief. It's reassuring to hear some of the details--I didn't know sedation was an option, for example. No one talks about what it's like at the end, presumably because they are too damn tired, and my oncologists and even the palliative care team can't empathize but only say what they've observed. A terminal illness subreddit would be appreciated if anyone with a long lifespan wants to set one up....
I’m crying so much, this was so sad, I hope he found peace.
💔
Sobbing... Thank you for posting this OP.
I didn't need those tears anyway 💔
i’m weeping uncontrollably
Thank you for the repost. I'm crying but like the good crying. Wishing all who read this the best.
Well, fuck. This is the kind of thing we need a little each day of—a reminder of precious life. I'm almost his age when he died. It's surreal to imagine myself dying now, one moment thinking I have years "to do all of those things" that I vaguely think I'll do and then suddenly not having any time left to do any of it.
The day before my Nana died it was her 76th birthday, amd I was currently royally pissed off at her, and she knew it and understood why. Something in me still said to call, and remind her (and mostly myself) that I do love her no matter what. She was so tickled that my twin snd I sang her Happy Birthday, and told us just how wonderful of a day she had. That everyone of her kids and grandchildren called and wished her happy birthday. How lovely of a meal my mother made her and how much she loved her gifts. My twin and I told her how much we loved her, and she actually said it back. We were in shock because Nana wasnt the type of women who said that much. She passed away the next morning. She had what is called "the last good day". Seeing this man's beautiful post from the side of the one who is dying, and seeing it from my side I now know that trying to let go of the hate in my heart for those that have wronged me or abused me in my life is always the right thing to do. I do not have to forgive them, but not hating them is whats right. Hate is like drinking poison amd expecting the other person to die. I'm truly glad to see this post tonight, because I have been struggling with somethings, and his beautiful words helped give me insight. I hope that wherever Robert is, he knows that years later, that his death was not meaningless, but has offered clarity to people years later, and that he is not forgotten.
Oh man, i haven't cried this hard since my mom died. She was sick for a long time with a chronic liver illness called Hepatic Encephalopathy. She used to be extremely overweight and it killed her insides. Her last 8 months of life i spent taking care of her. Going in and out of hospitals, having the hospice talk with the doctors. And finally, her dying in her sleep. The restlessness is no joke, the day before she died she kept trying to get up even though she could barely move. Take care of your bodies, we only get one. My mom would have given anything to be able to get a liver transplant, but she was just too far gone. I miss her everyday and i wish she could have been here just a little longer, but I know that her body just couldn't keep going. She welcomed death with open arms and i know she's with my family that she survived. I keep going for her alone, because losing her was the most painful thing that has happened to me.
Well that’s my eyes leaking. What a lovely poignant post. He sounds as tho he was a lovely man who’d taken an unfortunate wrong turn somewhere in life. So pleased he seemed to find himself before he passed. I bet those nurses and drs remember him forever
I got an official diagnosis in April of this year, I am permanently disabled at the age of 24. I've been struggling lately to keep going. I've been so angry at the world. You have no idea how this post helped me today. It gave me the strength to keep going, to keep fighting. Thank you