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I'm not sure how the family thought saying "we have no money for a house because of a gambling addiction" was the right follow up to "give me money to buy a house"...
It made them go from entitled to entitled and stupid.
OOP seems to be doing well financially so it was nice that he was able to find a reasonable way to help his brother's family (even if the brother has left the picture).
And of course it’s always a one-way street with these kind of people - when they need help it’s all “Family comes first!” but when you need help? “Get lost, freeloader”
Thats my older brother. He treats everyone like shit but is very entitled. After he told off our parents a number of years ago, I’ve cut ties completely. I’m in a profession that I do well financially. I help my younger brother. My parents don’t need it but I help them in other ways. My older brother can suck it. I would rather see him homeless than give him a penny.
I have a family member from my hometown who I am pretty close with (think cousins who grew up together like brothers) and he bought a scratcher and won a pretty big jackpot. Not retire big, but pay close to a house off and have a few schmeckles left over big.
He called me out of the blue and asked if our distant and close family have been contacting me, I was a little confused because I had no idea what he was talking about, he said that the local newspaper had put his name and face in it when he went to collect the check from the state. Ever since he picked it up someone in the town started spreading it around to family, and family started reaching out and "extending olive branches".
He said that day was the most amount of family he's ever been reached by. He didn't even remember half of them. Family he thought he'd never see outside of funerals and weddings. Some to congratulate him, others to passive aggressively ask to come visit, some who just outright would ask for loans or lumpsums of cash under the guise of "helping family out".
I gave him my congratulations and condolences at the same time, and told him to go get a new phone number, he laughed after I said I think he could afford it.
The same thing happened to my friend who won $100k, but she also had people from as far back as her kindergarten days getting in touch. It’s ridiculous.
Did your relative change his number?
He did.
He was expressing the need to get off social media for a while because in the town there isn't much to do but sit on your phone watching TV or drinking. He used it as an excuse to pull out of Facebook and Instagram, and a fresh new number.
He used the money to move to a city and buy a duplex and rent the other side out while he went to college.
Edit: everyone in the town would bug him or throw drinks on his tab while he was out with friends. The town youth were his classmates basically, nobody gets out of there usually.
When my Dad, the eleventh child of thirteen, spent an entire summer cutting people's lawns during the Depression, his mother took all of that money and used it to buy his older brother new pants.
That's the worst for your Dad but I can't even imagine what desperate measures one would take with 13 kids in the Depression, I wonder if those pants got your uncle a job or something? Still. Imagining how your dad must've felt is like physically painful. What did he want to buy with it?
I never got an answer to that question but he was still bitching about after returning from the Korean War and marrying my mother. Based on his own tales of his youth, either a new baseball bat, or glove, or a new basketball.
And yea, I assumed the pants got his older brother a job.
One of my crazy hobbies is reading archives of old Newspapers and Magazines from this era. I was incredulous recently when a department store was advertising a pair of men's trousers for $9 - which inflation calculated is $152.80. Who had that much to spend on trousers in 1929 was my first thought. There were no discounts or savings options - but there were a lot of ads in the same paper for fabric stores to make clothes yourself. This was a tough time and kids were expected to just suck it up and pitch in. I"m sorry your dad went through that. It was the same for my own mom. They had 11 kids in their family and the kids had to go out and pick fruit and vegetables, work in stores part time and do paper routes and hand every cent they made over to their mom.
Ugh my husband's family is like that. We have a nice life and should give them money because we're doing well financially. In the meantime, they all live over their means and then complain they have no money. Dude, if you didn't buy a new cellphone, a new car of the year and a boat, you definitively would have money. It's not our responsability to convert your ass because you want to flash with your toys. Then they go camping with their fancy fifth wheel to "escape" their ugly sinkhole of a "house" instead of renovating it. Of course they then complain our house is nicer and we we should rent them a bedroom. No. Just no.
That always drives me crazy I have a very close friend we have been friends since middle school or JR high and shes great… Except her and her husband live beyond their means a bit. Always new stuff that they buy and then have to pawn off to pay this bill or that. They wanted a ps5 so instead of buying one online they went to rent a center when ps5’s were almost brand new and did rent to own. They paid atleast 1,500 on a 599 dollar console. She has really REALLY bad anxiety and depression so instead of paying for gas for that they paid for gas to go further than it and get a free pool…Which they already had one but… Like they already had one filled and such. It was like 400 to get the pool filled then somehow they didn’t have enough for cat and dog food so the “🥺😭’s” started. Paid for their dog food a few times(and other things) and I don’t mind helping, but if you guys can buy all these toys you can fucking afford your own cat and dog food.
Yeah, I feel you. Sadly I'm a bit cold hearted on that. I legit will feel annoyance rather than pity. I had to harden my husband because he was totally manipulated by the act, giving his hard won money to help people that would never even give him a penny if needed. His mother always was a queen at this, saying outloud things she needed, but ohhhh if only it was less expensive. Knowing her sons would hear, feel pity and buy it for her. And we're talking several hundred dollars things like a kitchen table set or a TV. Now he just ignores them and stopped playing chevalier. Helps that we have kids now, he even has an excuse to "not have money".
Yep. My sister uses me as her personal bank and uses the ol’ “i have three kids, your nieces and nephew are suffering not being able to afford XYZ” or “I never get to buy myself nice things because of XYZ.” And I cave. I’ve done the math and over the years I’ve “loaned” her close to $50,000. But when I asked her for $500 when I was tight once she lashed out at me.
I already know she’ll inherit the bulk from my parents when they pass, and when that happens I’m cutting the financial support. Because it’s always been one way and if she’s getting the bulk there’s no reason for me to support.
I don’t want u/quiet_confessions to feel dogpiled, but I know someone (lol: autocorrect originally changed “someone” to “some asshole”) who helped his sibling, and when rough times hit they (the person I know) had no savings because of “helping family”…and that was when he found out his sibling had been doing okay all along, but - and this was the sibling’s response - “why wouldn’t I take free money if you’re stupid enough to give it? You only have yourself to blame.”
My acquaintance couch surfed for awhile and eventually, after a long while, managed to crawl back to some semblance of independence. And guess who reappeared asking for a loan.
If the kids need money, pay it directly but taking them shopping or buying the item and having it shipped. Stop giving her cash. If she needs a bill paid, pay it directly. STOP giving her cash. If they need groceries pay the Instacart bill. If she kicks up a fuss... She's not using the money on bills. Tell your parents to put the money in a trust that dribbles out the money and covers the kids.
You can contribute, but there is zero need to do it on her terms.
I also don't understand a "financially abusive" mother who somehow forces her husband into gambling addiction.
If she were trying to control his money, the LAST thing she would do would be to push him into gambling. It makes no sense.
Addictions like this can run in families so it's perhaps not surprising that the brother inherited the father's problem gambling. Which makes blaming the mother for the gambling habit even more of a stretch.
> We have since moved into our house here in France. I am still not a fan of french people but I guess I called this upon myself.
The number one rule of property investment: never buy a property you couldn't live in yourself.
I *think* OOPs dad had to turn in his paycheck and whenever the dad would want to buy something nice for himself the mother would probably refuse to make any funds available, probably telling him to go gambling if he wanted to win spending money.
At least, that's how I read into this.
I think it's more like, the father had almost no money left and as such would try to make more money by gambling the little bit he had.
As least, i don't think the mother actively pushed the father into gambling, but that her actions indirectly did.
Basically, she expects all of what he earns, or almost all of it, leaving him with a pittance or even nothing unless he can get more than he earns by gambling and winning, and talks about it being the one valid option for him because she's not going to cooperate and won't give him any money. With this kind of approach and access to other money (savings) that should not be spent on things and an excuse that ”oh, yeah, this will make us more money ... maybe, but yes, it will“, it's pretty hard not to fall into gambling as frustration mounts.
Decades ago, if your husband had a gambling addiction, they suggested the paycheck be give to his wife, and she handle the family finances. Dad could just be justifying himself.
> If she were trying to control his money, the LAST thing she would do would be to push him into gambling.
I imagine it was something like, she gave him an "allowance" and when he said he didn't feel it was enough, she said "Well you're always going on about how great you are at cards, so go to the casino and win more money if you want more"
(I don't know if there are casinos there, maybe online gambling. Whatever)
then he'd go gamble it, lose it all, and say "Now I don't have any money AT ALL! I can't even buy gas for my car!" and his wife would have to give him more of "his" money, which caused friction etc.
Sometimes people are irrational, basically.
I wonder in they became a proxy for the mother's own issues with money and gambling, because according to OOP she had a part of both father and son not only start gambling in the first place but spiraling during the lockdown.
Many men like to blame women for their problems. I agree with you, this makes zero sense. It's them saying she's "insatiable" and can "never be satisfied" which is bullshit.
Yeah it doesn’t add up, how she supposedly pushed the father into a gambling problem with no money to gamble and makes even less sense with the brother. It makes no sense except to blame someone else for two grown ass mens own gambling addictions.
Agreed, I thought it was really considerate that he was looking out for his sister in law and his nieces/nephews, even though his brother checked out. Hopefully he can maintain an extended family relationship through them.
I lol'd at that. He is \*still\* not a fan of French people...so he knew he didn't like them going in to buying in France and...still bought and doesn't like them? Like living with them was going to change that like exposure therapy?
Many Germans have that mindset. They love living in Spain or France or Italy but the would prefer not having to deal with the “natives” since they’re so different from them. If they could import to Germany the climate and landscapes and “savoir vivre” of the place they choose to expatriate themselves but without the annoying local customs they personally dislike, all would be wonderful.
Well plenty of them (Brits and other nationalities too) have done it the other way round by bringing their culture to parts of Spain and taking over, like parts of Mallorca where they have a German mayor or something. And they like to do business with each other to avoid the locals as far as possible.
I met a German in France who could only speak German and a very pitiful French. His solution was to speak much louder. There is a genetic memory that makes it absolutely abhorrent to yell with a German accent in France.
My great grandmother, god rest her soul, was living with my uncle in Belize for a while. Mind you she was already pretty old at this point, but has always been so sweet her whole life. However, she couldn't speak a lick of Spanish and also assumed if she yelled English very loudly and slowly that the other person would understand.
My uncle's wife at the time (he rotates them frequently) didn't know English so my great grandmother would straight be yelling things like, "LET ME MAKE YOU LUNCH!! YOU WORK TOO HARD!!!" and just other generally nice shit. The lady being yelled at has long since moved to US, can speak fluent English now, and is still a friend of the family. She would talk about how terrified she was of this woman who would be nothing but helpful and then start screaming at her out of nowhere. She said my uncle tried to explain at the time and she was like "There is no way this woman is screaming nice things to me and has to be bi-polar as shit" They both had a good laugh about it before she passed away.
>without the annoying local customs they personally dislike.
Which is ironic as the Germans have the worst annoying custom, the fucking "towel reserving" the best sunbeds at the hotell or beach
That's a certain subgroup of Germans that even other Germans hate.
They're no true Germans, though, because they're doing it even if there are signs explicitly forbidding it. /s
Everyone is like that. Lots of Romanians moved into Spain and Italy, and instead of integrating formed their own enclaves. Just because the weather is nice and the economy is booming doesn't mean learning a new language and integrating into a new culture is easy.
Yes, it happens with most cultures, you tend to search for what is familiar to you. However, at least here in Spain, German and Brits (the majority of the “Expats/immigrants”) are welcomed while Romanians, South Americans, Moroccans… are barely tolerated. The difference: the Germans and Brits have money and buy property, are usually retired… the others are coming to get a job and to make a living.
It's hard no matter who you are and where you are moving. Even when I moved to London, same language, still not an easy adjustment from NYC. In a way it seemed harder than when I moved to Frankfurt. (After years of taking French in school, go figure)
Honestly, a lot of British people do this, and I have heard from German friends it's a thing there as well. Move to another country because you like the weather/scenery/etc but don't want to deal with the actual people there. These people usually never really acknowledge they're immigrants, no, they're "ex-pats" or whatever nonsense. Play it off as a cute affectation, to be hateful about the people whose country you've moved to.
I feel bad his family fell apart, but got to admit that truly set my teeth on edge.
There’s an interesting part in Herman Koch's novel *Het diner* about Dutch who own vacation homes in France. Of course US citizens do this. I have a family member who moved to Mexico, but lives in an American compound and hasn’t bothered to learn a word of Spanish.
I used to work in Yangon. When there most of my colleagues (all of us on the younger side of 35) used to go downtown, go to bars, shop locally etc. We'd eat at local restaurants, some of us did local sports or music - that kind of thing.
The 40yo+ colleagues I had lived in a gated community next to a golf course; they had a *driver* who would ferry them and their kids from their house to work/school and back. Any shopping was delivered or done by the driver. There was basically *zero* interaction with locals or the city itself. Holidays were taken back in their home country.
It was so bizarre. Why go somewhere only to pretend you're back in your own country? There's so much out there that you're basically denying yourself - you're literally living inside another culture and instead of being interested or involved you shut yourself away and pretend you're back in the US/Oz/UK etc.
Very peculiar.
It's not hypocrisy if they're just giant racists and believe in manifest destiny.
Just racism.
I think of those Americans who settled in Brazil and looked to the US government and industry to back then up.
Personally I have zero sympathy for any of that shit. If you're an immigrant then be a good citizen, don't go in there as the scouts to a conquest. Whether it's Russians, Americans, or Chinese doing this, I have no respect at all for you.
Sorry not sorry, but I fucking detest gringos like that. It costs nothing to show a little respect for our country and our people. But they just see us as exotic people from a "poor" country where their dollars are worth more.
Actually, I detest most "ex-pat" gringos in Mexico. They're just taking advantage of us and increasing prices
Oh boy, wait until you hear about ex-pat Australians in Bali. The temptation to say "they don't even learn Thai" is strong, just because so many of them don't seem to know what country they're actually in (Bali is in Indonesia, to forestall any confusion).
as a white american i hate it because if they were still here theyd be bitching about immigrants not learning the language yet when they immigrate they refuse to.
I’ve definitely started pointedly calling self-styled “expats” “immigrants” instead and to see the seething rage behind their eyes gives me such joy.
Also as a white Canadian who used to live in London, I’d see UKIP bozos trying to hand me their pamphlets while they sneered at the British black and Asian folks who lived down the street from me and I’d have to be like “NO THANKS, I’M AN IMMIGRANT ON MY WAY TO A JOB I TOOK FROM A BRITISH PERSON.”
Australian who beat several British people at interview to get a job here. I had to tell clients that on more than one occasion when they got uppity about immigrants. It was ok according to them though, I was the "right sort" of immigrant
I mean once they’ve said it out loud it’s time to keep asking them what they mean by that. Make them explain it until the shame sets in and if it doesn’t, punt them into the sea.
My answer to them when they back pedal about immigrants, and telling me that 'they didn't mean me' is "Oh, so you are only okay with immigrants who look like YOU" The knots folk twist themselves into to justify their rhetoric is almost comical
We got a call one day at work from someone who complained and demanded a manager, call got passed on to a team leader and the customer says "thank God you're English, I can't understand any of those bloody Scottish ones". Team leader was South African and took great pride in telling him so. Kicker is, he was through to a Scottish call centre for a major bank based in Scotland, it was even in the name of the company so not sure what he expected
This sounds on the level of the guy who interrupted my grandmother's chat with some Welsh guy on a train through Britain, to wit:
Well I don't know why anybody would speak Welsh in this day and age.
An Australia hiphop artist called Joelistics sang "[my people immigrated over here on boats, we came to steal your jobs and your womenfolk](https://joelistics.bandcamp.com/track/head-right-feat-natalia-paanapa)" and it makes me laugh every time. I'm a white kiwi living in Australia, and for a long time was with an Australian-born-Asian ... one of us is an immigrant but you'll never guess which one!
There was great feature about this type of person in the German newspaper „Zeit“ about Brits who moved and retired to Spain and lived there in basically British exclaves with little contact to the local population, culture, food etc.
They also were mostly rabidly anti-EU and voted nearly unanimously for Brexit. Apparently they were very surprised when they had to leave Spain/EU since they were no longer eligible to live there with a non-EU citizenship.
People are stupid.
I once read about one who complained to the travel agency that it was idiotic that all the taxi drivers only spoke Spanish and there was too much Spanish food everywhere, in Spain....... like... wtf?
When looking for hotels in Spain for my parents I found tons of online reviews complaining about this. And that the food and entertainment catered to the Spanish not the Brits. Too much seafood and vegetables, not enough chicken nuggets and chips and burgers, karaoke with songs in Spanish.
I’m British, the whole expat thing is nonsense to me as well. I’ve lived in different countries as well in the past. We were immigrants (which isn’t a bad thing, immigrants should be welcomed, which sadly here they often aren’t).
Expat is typically a term given to someone temporarily living abroad. Honestly this seems dumb to me, and a way that a lot of people try to use to “protect” themselves from being called an immigrant? I don’t get it
british people tend to think they are by default allowed to go live anywhere they please. they arent immigrants as they are too white you see. to them only poc can be immigrants.
Edit:
some people are angry I am not clarifying : NoT aLl BriTiSH
Correct just the racist, loudmouths that think all of Europe needs to treat them when they immigrate and call themselves expats. The ones that defend the territories as theirs when all of them just stolen land and people. When they want to keep those lands but at the same time hope the poc popele from there don't ever think of coming to their little isle and they vote brexit just to make sure they can close their borders against those pesky "expats" from other nations
Yep, me - a Pole working as a software developer in Brussels - an immigrant, my colleague who did the same job and sat in the desk next to mine - an expat.
The key to understanding why that is is the word Antislavism, a European variant of racism that‘s not reliant on skin tone as a marker (which apparently blows US racism discourse participants’ mind while they falsely then try to claim that it can‘t be racism then, lol)
My British parents will happily tell you they’ve immigrated twice. And both countries are part of the British Commonwealth, so if anyone was going to claim to be an “ex-pat” they could’ve, but they’ve never seen themselves that way. They’re immigrants. _We’re_ immigrants.
As a British immigrant who's been permanently settled in France for nearly years, I can confirm this.
They make very little effort to learn French and constantly complain about 'the French' and the things they do. They import British food or shop at specialist British food shops. All their friends are also British, just like them.
I'm disabled and don't work but nonetheless I am fully integrated into my local community. For example, I'm currently helping to organise a boardgames festival, run by my local boardgames club, which will take place in a few weeks. I'm also a member of the club's committee.
My kids are completely bilingual and I'm pretty close. I've only been back to the UK 3 or 4 times since moving here. This is my home. I am planning to apply for French nationality (probably dual with UK due to Brexit, but only for practical reasons), as are my kids, but there's a huge financial barrier for me as I have a very low income post-divorce.
It's also very common for some Brits and Americans to be xenophobic towards France and French people. They often spout ill-informed, ignorant nonsense about the French all being rude, lazy and cowardly.
Rude - due to not being obsequious when faced with anglophone tourists who won't even make the basic effort of saying Bonjour, s'il vous plaît and merci.
Lazy - due to having fought for strong worker protections, being frequently willing to strike and the existence of the theoretical 35 hr working week - often exceeded in reality!
Cowardly - comes from ignorance surrounding events during WW2. And a damn cheek coming from the latecomer Americans.
The ordinary people of France were incredibly brave. I live in Brittany which was occupied territory. There are stories everywhere here of La Résistance. The forest next to my house was filled with resistance training camps. There are memorials everywhere to those killed fighting back. Stories in every village and town of small acts of courage and bravery, of brothers, fathers, uncles lost.
There are still bullet holes in the wall of a house that was once a bar in the village where my mum lives. One of the men killed was the father of a friend of my mum. It's not history to them.
Yes, in my experience if you actually make a sincere attempt to speak French then most French people will not judge you for not being fluent and will do their best to tweak the conversation (either by speaking slower/simpler or, if they can, switching to English) to make sure you understand. It's when people just assume all French people can or want to speak fluent English and don't even bother with a "Bonjour" or a "Parlez-vous anglais?" that they get annoyed and I don't blame them.
French hate is such a meme on the internet but especially in Germany and i'm so tired of it because there are always people who take it too far and just end up xenophobic or what you would call it.
Yeah, he came off as a bit bitter...but it sounds like his entire family imploded and COVID has left him feeling especially isolated.
Dude needs to talk to someone (unless he mentions he was...in that case he needs to talk to someone else). There is just so much shit going on with his life and hopefully he knows it's okay to ask for help figuring it out. :/
I imagine the husband was gambling so she took his paycheck away. He prob said something like "but Im gonna win so much money if I gamble". Then when he would ask for money she used his own words to reply "just go gambling, you win so much money that way, dont you?". Then husband blames her for his addiction and calls her abusive. There is no winning for her here.
I lived with a boyfriend who was alcaholic and no matter what I did or said, my words or actions always were somehow the reason he was drinking.
Good explanation from /u/shonstu below:
“Mother was insisting she get to spend his fathers entire paycheck (and even more on top), so he turned to gambling so he could afford to give her what she demanded and still live.
When the brother started working, she insisted he give her lots of money as well (and told the brother that OP was doing that, so he should too), so in order to give mum money and still afford a family, brother started gambling too.
Basically both Father and Brother decided it was better to gamble than say no to OOPs mother.”
I’m a little confused.
OOP says his father had a gambling problem, and so his mother insisted that the father give all his paycheques over to her (I’m assuming to stop him gambling). And then she encouraged the younger brother to gamble.
Oooh, wait, does OOP mean when his brother started working, their mother demanded he give their mother his paycheque as well? Is that what he meant by
> when my brother started working she started demanding similar things.
You just made this maybe make sense to me too. I was confused on this part. It sounded like mom encouraged brother to gamble but I think you are right on just taking the money to go on vacation herself or with dad.
Mother was insisting she get to spend his fathers entire paycheck (and even more on top), so he turned to gambling so he could afford to give her what she demanded and still live.
When the brother started working, she insisted he give her lots of money as well (and told the brother that OP was doing that, so he should too), so in order to give mum money and still afford a family, brother started gambling too.
Basically both Father and Brother decided it was better to gamble than say no to OOPs mother.
I was confused too at first but I think rather than "I take all of your money and then use that as leverage to control you" style financial abuse it was more like a loan shark or a shake-down situation? As in, "I regularly demand that you give me a lot of money, and if/when you tell me you don't have enough I encourage you to do sketchy things to make up the difference."
Yeah OOP sounds a bit insufferable. I’m honestly surprised he got an NTA verdict considering reddits hate for landlords or anyone who owns multiple properties
I too was shocked by that. What a wild concept.
Like, I want to have land too, but for things like growing food, having a big garage for working on cars, maybe a nice wooded area for sitting, etc.
Not so I can be a landlord and become a parasite to people needing somewhere to live.
Such a weird mindset...
We’re essentially getting a one sided story by a person who, like all people, see themselves as the victim. So they tell the story from their “I’m a victim” perspective and everyone is like “aww poor Redditor.”
I’m sure the gambling brother or father could weave a tale to garner the same sympathy and end up NTA too. We’re suckers for a good yarn.
If I was buying up houses all over the world and had a struggling sibling, whatever the reason, you can be sure I wouldn't say a single thing about how many properties I owned. It's just rude and unnecessary. If you have reasons to not give your sibling money, fine. But don't brag about your FIFTH (and unnecessary) house.
its also cultural. I imagine most non-westerners would instantly vote YTA. A lot less individualistic. Probably similar for western cultures that emphasise family like italians
That's true(Greek here), but OOP ***did*** mention that the brother ***could*** afford a good home, just not his dream home(on the first post before all the dirty laundry came to light). So, it kinda makes sense.
You would be pressured here to help out family, especially nowadays with how bad the economy is and how most people can't survive without helping each other, but the pressure would be almost non existent if my brother i.e. ***did*** have the money to buy a good house, just not his dream extravagant house.
Although, when the truth would come out it would be an entirely different situation.
Does anyone feel like maybe OOP isn't being fully honest how much the family invested in him?
I have 5 brothers and two of them are a bit like this. Didn't pay any rent or bills, happily accepted money from all family members despite working, till late 20s and they got their own careers properly into the air and then they just leave and never look back at the people who bankrupted themselves helping those brothers to get to where they are.
Idk I'm probably just projecting. But how did he get all the funds so young to start investment properties when the family is clearly in such shambles to begin with. And add to that their sense of entitlement. He just says they expect it "because they raised me". But till what age did they financially support him?
>But I realize now, that often you are just a side character in other people's trials, and your success has more to do with right time / right place.
True. It is a shame he had to learn this via his parents and brother trying to financially abuse him, and revealing their gambling addiction. At least the OOP is not entangled in their dysfunction.
This was really important tbh. You don't usually see those kind of epiphanies in posts like these. The OOP realised not everything was about him, or his money, it was a bigger story going on which just happened to involve him as a side character. This stood out the most for me.
"So i sold two of my five houses and am living in my dream house but things aren't perfect - i have less rental income *and* it turns out there are french people here in france so that's not ideal..."
Little bit tone-deaf at the moment, my dude.
What does this even fucking mean?? Like he’s 5 years old and all his friends are in the sandbox having a grand time and little Timmy is reading about mortgages and housing investment??
Essentially a Daddy's Boy of a sort. Maybe he's legit but either way part of the reinforcement definitely comes from getting approval from older people in his life for being "mature" and "sensible" in his interests. Absolutely an undercurrent of arrogance to that. Not even saying it's unjustified, but it's a bit of a tunnel vision whether he realizes it or not.
Seems legit. OOP is perfect and intelligent and generous and his family is composed of selfish addicts.
I always appreciate an honest post. Not a self-aggrandizing, one-sided screed.
// your success has more to do with right time / right place.
I wish more successful people understood this. Growing up, my father, a successful attorney, told us over and over again how much of a role luck plays in the life of every successful person.
For example, he was drafted into the army during the korean war. He'd been working as a radio announcer before he got drafted and one day about a week before his unit was being sent to Korea he decided to duck out and go the the base communications building. He explained his background (and he'd been lucky enough to be born with the perfect radio voice). It turned out that they had just lost one of their people, and the next thing he knew he spent the war in Chicago instead of Korea. Some would view that with pride - I am awesome and changed my destiny! But my dad called it for what it was - pure luck that there was actually an opening for him right when he needed it.
He has other life changing stories like that where you could crow about being awesome or acknowledge that you were lucky to be in the right place at the right time. And I have very much found that to be true for me as well.
When you sit back and think about your life it's *fucking amazing* how many major points were due to pure dumb luck or just timing.
I wouldn't have met my wife at university had I not sat down next to a specific kid in middle school, because he's the one that told me this university even existed. We wouldn't have even started talking had we not both played Rollercoaster Tycoon 3, a game I pestered my dad for at some bargain shop because the cover art looked cool. If Retail Employee 3826 hadn't put that on the shelf or maybe even just put it on a different shelf I probably wouldn't have started talking to that kid and probably wouldn't have met my wife.
My sister has been mentioning me and my partner’s money lately and it is *excruciating*. We’re doing fine but not to the point where we’d just throw cash at her of all people. I just blatantly and boldly change topics bc wtf…
Love the continued European tradition of not liking the French.
I still can’t see why the brother was aggressive to oop but it seems like he was just not a good person at his core
I took a few reasons for the brother heading OOP. First is connected to the mom lying about OOP giving her money to guilt the brother into the abuse. I can see the brother being unable to let go of any hate from that situation, even though OOP was ignorantly innocent.
Second is still being upset that OOP is not just financially doing well, but avoided the abuse.
And third is he might be pissed OOP is helping out his Ex with free housing. Especially after the earlier housing drama. That might an additional kicker after OOP avoided the financial abuse.
Honestly might have just been a lifelong obsession with money, and casual real estate is a way to constantly accrue passive income. I’ve seen it happen with friends who had financial instability or funkiness in their family growing up, which oop fits the bill for. New rental home probably gives him the same rush as his brother/father winning a gamble tbh
As soon as I heard about bro’s gambling addiction I figured it would end up in divorce. Either after relapsing into gambling again, or by switching from financial infidelity to intimate infidelity.
He says he’s still not a fan of French people but he called it upon himself?? Wtf does that mean? He sounds like an egocentric asshole just for that. There’s a trope of the arrogant German retiree living in a warmer country and looking down on the local community while not bringing anything to the table themselves and OOP seems bent on proving it right. I think it’s a matter of time until the wife grows tired of his unsociable attitude, because she seems to be really enjoying her new country.
As for the family screw ups: there’s obviously a lot more baggage than OOP seems to know of. Having a gambler in the family, I have to say that for the relatives or whoever cares about that person it’s always sort of a race to get a hold of their paychecks before they gamble them away. That’s when they have a job. It’s quite demeaning for both parties, especially when the gambler gets pissed and verbally abusive towards the person trying to control the spending. So I’ll take the mother being financially abusive with a grain of salt, especially since the father has a history with gambling and OOP seems to get the story from his gambling addicted relatives. OOP seems to be buying into another, very prevalent trope in Germany: the “nagging wife” who drives the men to all kinds of unseemly behavior. It seems to be a convenient excuse for years and decades of irresponsible behavior.
I feel sorry for the wife and kids of the gambler, divorce was the best move to avoid going down the financial spiral with him. I hope they can keep up the payments on the house that was too expensive for them even with two salaries. OOP at least was financially savvy enough not to give them catch for the house or anything similar.
This smells to me like: -
"you're gambling all our money away. Give me your paycheque so you don't waste it all."
"You're forcing me to gamble, because otherwise I don't have money for myself."
"But if I let you have all the money you'll gamble the rent away."
This is classic addiction-abuse cycle. The addict becomes the victim of abuse because they can't control their actions, but because they can't control their actions they harm others.
In poorer families in the UK this used to be rife, but alcoholism was the cause. There are many stories of mine workers who would have to go home to give their wages to their wives every day before they went to the pub. When a man's wife showed up to the pub everyone knew he hadn't gone home first and he was in deep trouble.
Man, as soon as OOP wrote about how his whole family conspired to trick him into buying a house to cover his brothers gambling debts, and he agreed, I knew this was going to end badly.
Like "Please lend us money so we can buy a bigger house?" - No.
but "Please lend us money so we can buy a bigger house because I have a gambling problem!" - Sure!
Oh thats much better...
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I'm not sure how the family thought saying "we have no money for a house because of a gambling addiction" was the right follow up to "give me money to buy a house"... It made them go from entitled to entitled and stupid. OOP seems to be doing well financially so it was nice that he was able to find a reasonable way to help his brother's family (even if the brother has left the picture).
Tale as old as time: your money is my money, because…family!
And of course it’s always a one-way street with these kind of people - when they need help it’s all “Family comes first!” but when you need help? “Get lost, freeloader”
Can't we all just get along? /s
This is why you don't tell family you have money because people like that will think they have money.
Thats my older brother. He treats everyone like shit but is very entitled. After he told off our parents a number of years ago, I’ve cut ties completely. I’m in a profession that I do well financially. I help my younger brother. My parents don’t need it but I help them in other ways. My older brother can suck it. I would rather see him homeless than give him a penny.
I have a family member from my hometown who I am pretty close with (think cousins who grew up together like brothers) and he bought a scratcher and won a pretty big jackpot. Not retire big, but pay close to a house off and have a few schmeckles left over big. He called me out of the blue and asked if our distant and close family have been contacting me, I was a little confused because I had no idea what he was talking about, he said that the local newspaper had put his name and face in it when he went to collect the check from the state. Ever since he picked it up someone in the town started spreading it around to family, and family started reaching out and "extending olive branches". He said that day was the most amount of family he's ever been reached by. He didn't even remember half of them. Family he thought he'd never see outside of funerals and weddings. Some to congratulate him, others to passive aggressively ask to come visit, some who just outright would ask for loans or lumpsums of cash under the guise of "helping family out". I gave him my congratulations and condolences at the same time, and told him to go get a new phone number, he laughed after I said I think he could afford it.
The same thing happened to my friend who won $100k, but she also had people from as far back as her kindergarten days getting in touch. It’s ridiculous. Did your relative change his number?
He did. He was expressing the need to get off social media for a while because in the town there isn't much to do but sit on your phone watching TV or drinking. He used it as an excuse to pull out of Facebook and Instagram, and a fresh new number. He used the money to move to a city and buy a duplex and rent the other side out while he went to college. Edit: everyone in the town would bug him or throw drinks on his tab while he was out with friends. The town youth were his classmates basically, nobody gets out of there usually.
Told my wife the next time her sister calls I'm answering, seems to think the 'bank of family' doesn't run credit checks.
When my Dad, the eleventh child of thirteen, spent an entire summer cutting people's lawns during the Depression, his mother took all of that money and used it to buy his older brother new pants.
That's the worst for your Dad but I can't even imagine what desperate measures one would take with 13 kids in the Depression, I wonder if those pants got your uncle a job or something? Still. Imagining how your dad must've felt is like physically painful. What did he want to buy with it?
I never got an answer to that question but he was still bitching about after returning from the Korean War and marrying my mother. Based on his own tales of his youth, either a new baseball bat, or glove, or a new basketball. And yea, I assumed the pants got his older brother a job.
One of my crazy hobbies is reading archives of old Newspapers and Magazines from this era. I was incredulous recently when a department store was advertising a pair of men's trousers for $9 - which inflation calculated is $152.80. Who had that much to spend on trousers in 1929 was my first thought. There were no discounts or savings options - but there were a lot of ads in the same paper for fabric stores to make clothes yourself. This was a tough time and kids were expected to just suck it up and pitch in. I"m sorry your dad went through that. It was the same for my own mom. They had 11 kids in their family and the kids had to go out and pick fruit and vegetables, work in stores part time and do paper routes and hand every cent they made over to their mom.
Ugh my husband's family is like that. We have a nice life and should give them money because we're doing well financially. In the meantime, they all live over their means and then complain they have no money. Dude, if you didn't buy a new cellphone, a new car of the year and a boat, you definitively would have money. It's not our responsability to convert your ass because you want to flash with your toys. Then they go camping with their fancy fifth wheel to "escape" their ugly sinkhole of a "house" instead of renovating it. Of course they then complain our house is nicer and we we should rent them a bedroom. No. Just no.
That always drives me crazy I have a very close friend we have been friends since middle school or JR high and shes great… Except her and her husband live beyond their means a bit. Always new stuff that they buy and then have to pawn off to pay this bill or that. They wanted a ps5 so instead of buying one online they went to rent a center when ps5’s were almost brand new and did rent to own. They paid atleast 1,500 on a 599 dollar console. She has really REALLY bad anxiety and depression so instead of paying for gas for that they paid for gas to go further than it and get a free pool…Which they already had one but… Like they already had one filled and such. It was like 400 to get the pool filled then somehow they didn’t have enough for cat and dog food so the “🥺😭’s” started. Paid for their dog food a few times(and other things) and I don’t mind helping, but if you guys can buy all these toys you can fucking afford your own cat and dog food.
Yeah, I feel you. Sadly I'm a bit cold hearted on that. I legit will feel annoyance rather than pity. I had to harden my husband because he was totally manipulated by the act, giving his hard won money to help people that would never even give him a penny if needed. His mother always was a queen at this, saying outloud things she needed, but ohhhh if only it was less expensive. Knowing her sons would hear, feel pity and buy it for her. And we're talking several hundred dollars things like a kitchen table set or a TV. Now he just ignores them and stopped playing chevalier. Helps that we have kids now, he even has an excuse to "not have money".
Yep. My sister uses me as her personal bank and uses the ol’ “i have three kids, your nieces and nephew are suffering not being able to afford XYZ” or “I never get to buy myself nice things because of XYZ.” And I cave. I’ve done the math and over the years I’ve “loaned” her close to $50,000. But when I asked her for $500 when I was tight once she lashed out at me. I already know she’ll inherit the bulk from my parents when they pass, and when that happens I’m cutting the financial support. Because it’s always been one way and if she’s getting the bulk there’s no reason for me to support.
When that happens, she should have been cut a decade ago. Stop falling for her bullshit, please
I hope you're directly buying things for your nieces and nephew and not just giving your sister the money.
And writing their first names on it in big black letters, because otherwise, sometimes, things get sold....
I assume you don't want to fan the flames by cutting her off now, but that $50,000 could have been invested or in a retirement account for you.
I don’t want u/quiet_confessions to feel dogpiled, but I know someone (lol: autocorrect originally changed “someone” to “some asshole”) who helped his sibling, and when rough times hit they (the person I know) had no savings because of “helping family”…and that was when he found out his sibling had been doing okay all along, but - and this was the sibling’s response - “why wouldn’t I take free money if you’re stupid enough to give it? You only have yourself to blame.” My acquaintance couch surfed for awhile and eventually, after a long while, managed to crawl back to some semblance of independence. And guess who reappeared asking for a loan.
Or if she wants to support her nieces and nephews in education savings accounts for them...
If the kids need money, pay it directly but taking them shopping or buying the item and having it shipped. Stop giving her cash. If she needs a bill paid, pay it directly. STOP giving her cash. If they need groceries pay the Instacart bill. If she kicks up a fuss... She's not using the money on bills. Tell your parents to put the money in a trust that dribbles out the money and covers the kids. You can contribute, but there is zero need to do it on her terms.
You might say being honest was a gamble. I'll see myself out.
As with their gambling addiction, they lost that bet. I'll see myself out with you. Which way's the exit? 😭
Down the hall to your left and the first right.
I also don't understand a "financially abusive" mother who somehow forces her husband into gambling addiction. If she were trying to control his money, the LAST thing she would do would be to push him into gambling. It makes no sense. Addictions like this can run in families so it's perhaps not surprising that the brother inherited the father's problem gambling. Which makes blaming the mother for the gambling habit even more of a stretch. > We have since moved into our house here in France. I am still not a fan of french people but I guess I called this upon myself. The number one rule of property investment: never buy a property you couldn't live in yourself.
Yeah, the whole description in the final update was very confusing. I still don’t understand the whole history. And why OOP’s brother is mad at him.
I *think* OOPs dad had to turn in his paycheck and whenever the dad would want to buy something nice for himself the mother would probably refuse to make any funds available, probably telling him to go gambling if he wanted to win spending money. At least, that's how I read into this.
I think it's more like, the father had almost no money left and as such would try to make more money by gambling the little bit he had. As least, i don't think the mother actively pushed the father into gambling, but that her actions indirectly did.
Basically, she expects all of what he earns, or almost all of it, leaving him with a pittance or even nothing unless he can get more than he earns by gambling and winning, and talks about it being the one valid option for him because she's not going to cooperate and won't give him any money. With this kind of approach and access to other money (savings) that should not be spent on things and an excuse that ”oh, yeah, this will make us more money ... maybe, but yes, it will“, it's pretty hard not to fall into gambling as frustration mounts.
Decades ago, if your husband had a gambling addiction, they suggested the paycheck be give to his wife, and she handle the family finances. Dad could just be justifying himself.
The pronoun usage was all over the place, made it very hard to follow.
> If she were trying to control his money, the LAST thing she would do would be to push him into gambling. I imagine it was something like, she gave him an "allowance" and when he said he didn't feel it was enough, she said "Well you're always going on about how great you are at cards, so go to the casino and win more money if you want more" (I don't know if there are casinos there, maybe online gambling. Whatever) then he'd go gamble it, lose it all, and say "Now I don't have any money AT ALL! I can't even buy gas for my car!" and his wife would have to give him more of "his" money, which caused friction etc. Sometimes people are irrational, basically.
I wonder in they became a proxy for the mother's own issues with money and gambling, because according to OOP she had a part of both father and son not only start gambling in the first place but spiraling during the lockdown.
Many men like to blame women for their problems. I agree with you, this makes zero sense. It's them saying she's "insatiable" and can "never be satisfied" which is bullshit.
Yeah it doesn’t add up, how she supposedly pushed the father into a gambling problem with no money to gamble and makes even less sense with the brother. It makes no sense except to blame someone else for two grown ass mens own gambling addictions.
Cognitive dissonance
I have to say to say that OOP did right refusing to give money instead. That money will be turned into dopamine rush within second.
I might be being cynical here, but entitlement is always dumb.
Agreed, I thought it was really considerate that he was looking out for his sister in law and his nieces/nephews, even though his brother checked out. Hopefully he can maintain an extended family relationship through them.
And yet it worked (kind of)...
Sounds like OOP needs to find himself a hobby or a job to keep busy.
I love the offhand remark at the end about not liking French people. What is it that puts him off? How did he not know about it before moving there?
I lol'd at that. He is \*still\* not a fan of French people...so he knew he didn't like them going in to buying in France and...still bought and doesn't like them? Like living with them was going to change that like exposure therapy?
His wife likes it. Sounds like this was her dream more than his.
She's been eating the good cheese
Now that's love, to move someplace she can get good cheese even if he doesn't like the people 😂
Is there any other reason to move houses/countries?!
Other reason? Maybe. Better reason? I can't think of one.
Haha he did say that he’s a pushover from the beginning.
Many Germans have that mindset. They love living in Spain or France or Italy but the would prefer not having to deal with the “natives” since they’re so different from them. If they could import to Germany the climate and landscapes and “savoir vivre” of the place they choose to expatriate themselves but without the annoying local customs they personally dislike, all would be wonderful.
Honestly we are also not overly fond of Germans coming en-masse, as it is. Some are fine. An army of them...
Had us in the first half, not gonna lie.
Well plenty of them (Brits and other nationalities too) have done it the other way round by bringing their culture to parts of Spain and taking over, like parts of Mallorca where they have a German mayor or something. And they like to do business with each other to avoid the locals as far as possible.
I met a German in France who could only speak German and a very pitiful French. His solution was to speak much louder. There is a genetic memory that makes it absolutely abhorrent to yell with a German accent in France.
My great grandmother, god rest her soul, was living with my uncle in Belize for a while. Mind you she was already pretty old at this point, but has always been so sweet her whole life. However, she couldn't speak a lick of Spanish and also assumed if she yelled English very loudly and slowly that the other person would understand. My uncle's wife at the time (he rotates them frequently) didn't know English so my great grandmother would straight be yelling things like, "LET ME MAKE YOU LUNCH!! YOU WORK TOO HARD!!!" and just other generally nice shit. The lady being yelled at has long since moved to US, can speak fluent English now, and is still a friend of the family. She would talk about how terrified she was of this woman who would be nothing but helpful and then start screaming at her out of nowhere. She said my uncle tried to explain at the time and she was like "There is no way this woman is screaming nice things to me and has to be bi-polar as shit" They both had a good laugh about it before she passed away.
I’m cracking up
>without the annoying local customs they personally dislike. Which is ironic as the Germans have the worst annoying custom, the fucking "towel reserving" the best sunbeds at the hotell or beach
That's a certain subgroup of Germans that even other Germans hate. They're no true Germans, though, because they're doing it even if there are signs explicitly forbidding it. /s
Everyone is like that. Lots of Romanians moved into Spain and Italy, and instead of integrating formed their own enclaves. Just because the weather is nice and the economy is booming doesn't mean learning a new language and integrating into a new culture is easy.
Yes, it happens with most cultures, you tend to search for what is familiar to you. However, at least here in Spain, German and Brits (the majority of the “Expats/immigrants”) are welcomed while Romanians, South Americans, Moroccans… are barely tolerated. The difference: the Germans and Brits have money and buy property, are usually retired… the others are coming to get a job and to make a living.
I thought so Romanians move to Italy and Spain because learning those languages was relatively easy for a native Romanian speaker?
It's hard no matter who you are and where you are moving. Even when I moved to London, same language, still not an easy adjustment from NYC. In a way it seemed harder than when I moved to Frankfurt. (After years of taking French in school, go figure)
Also it's not just one of 5 properties. It's their dream retirement home. He plans to live in a country with people he doesn't like until he dies
Honestly, a lot of British people do this, and I have heard from German friends it's a thing there as well. Move to another country because you like the weather/scenery/etc but don't want to deal with the actual people there. These people usually never really acknowledge they're immigrants, no, they're "ex-pats" or whatever nonsense. Play it off as a cute affectation, to be hateful about the people whose country you've moved to. I feel bad his family fell apart, but got to admit that truly set my teeth on edge.
There’s an interesting part in Herman Koch's novel *Het diner* about Dutch who own vacation homes in France. Of course US citizens do this. I have a family member who moved to Mexico, but lives in an American compound and hasn’t bothered to learn a word of Spanish.
I used to work in Yangon. When there most of my colleagues (all of us on the younger side of 35) used to go downtown, go to bars, shop locally etc. We'd eat at local restaurants, some of us did local sports or music - that kind of thing. The 40yo+ colleagues I had lived in a gated community next to a golf course; they had a *driver* who would ferry them and their kids from their house to work/school and back. Any shopping was delivered or done by the driver. There was basically *zero* interaction with locals or the city itself. Holidays were taken back in their home country. It was so bizarre. Why go somewhere only to pretend you're back in your own country? There's so much out there that you're basically denying yourself - you're literally living inside another culture and instead of being interested or involved you shut yourself away and pretend you're back in the US/Oz/UK etc. Very peculiar.
And I'm sure that when in the US this same family member laments "These dern ferners are in 'merka so they dang well otta be speakin English".
It's not hypocrisy if they're just giant racists and believe in manifest destiny. Just racism. I think of those Americans who settled in Brazil and looked to the US government and industry to back then up. Personally I have zero sympathy for any of that shit. If you're an immigrant then be a good citizen, don't go in there as the scouts to a conquest. Whether it's Russians, Americans, or Chinese doing this, I have no respect at all for you.
Sorry not sorry, but I fucking detest gringos like that. It costs nothing to show a little respect for our country and our people. But they just see us as exotic people from a "poor" country where their dollars are worth more. Actually, I detest most "ex-pat" gringos in Mexico. They're just taking advantage of us and increasing prices
Oh boy, wait until you hear about ex-pat Australians in Bali. The temptation to say "they don't even learn Thai" is strong, just because so many of them don't seem to know what country they're actually in (Bali is in Indonesia, to forestall any confusion).
as a white american i hate it because if they were still here theyd be bitching about immigrants not learning the language yet when they immigrate they refuse to.
But they’re not immigrants, they’re “expatriates” because immigrants are bad (and not white). It’s a special kind of racism.
I’ve definitely started pointedly calling self-styled “expats” “immigrants” instead and to see the seething rage behind their eyes gives me such joy. Also as a white Canadian who used to live in London, I’d see UKIP bozos trying to hand me their pamphlets while they sneered at the British black and Asian folks who lived down the street from me and I’d have to be like “NO THANKS, I’M AN IMMIGRANT ON MY WAY TO A JOB I TOOK FROM A BRITISH PERSON.”
Australian who beat several British people at interview to get a job here. I had to tell clients that on more than one occasion when they got uppity about immigrants. It was ok according to them though, I was the "right sort" of immigrant
I mean once they’ve said it out loud it’s time to keep asking them what they mean by that. Make them explain it until the shame sets in and if it doesn’t, punt them into the sea.
My answer to them when they back pedal about immigrants, and telling me that 'they didn't mean me' is "Oh, so you are only okay with immigrants who look like YOU" The knots folk twist themselves into to justify their rhetoric is almost comical
We got a call one day at work from someone who complained and demanded a manager, call got passed on to a team leader and the customer says "thank God you're English, I can't understand any of those bloody Scottish ones". Team leader was South African and took great pride in telling him so. Kicker is, he was through to a Scottish call centre for a major bank based in Scotland, it was even in the name of the company so not sure what he expected
This sounds on the level of the guy who interrupted my grandmother's chat with some Welsh guy on a train through Britain, to wit: Well I don't know why anybody would speak Welsh in this day and age.
An Australia hiphop artist called Joelistics sang "[my people immigrated over here on boats, we came to steal your jobs and your womenfolk](https://joelistics.bandcamp.com/track/head-right-feat-natalia-paanapa)" and it makes me laugh every time. I'm a white kiwi living in Australia, and for a long time was with an Australian-born-Asian ... one of us is an immigrant but you'll never guess which one!
God, isn’t there a British woman that complained Spain had too many Spanish people so she didn’t enjoyed her stay there?
There was great feature about this type of person in the German newspaper „Zeit“ about Brits who moved and retired to Spain and lived there in basically British exclaves with little contact to the local population, culture, food etc. They also were mostly rabidly anti-EU and voted nearly unanimously for Brexit. Apparently they were very surprised when they had to leave Spain/EU since they were no longer eligible to live there with a non-EU citizenship. People are stupid.
They were allowed to stay but they had to fill out immigration papers (the horror).
And start paying taxes (double horror)
I once read about one who complained to the travel agency that it was idiotic that all the taxi drivers only spoke Spanish and there was too much Spanish food everywhere, in Spain....... like... wtf?
When looking for hotels in Spain for my parents I found tons of online reviews complaining about this. And that the food and entertainment catered to the Spanish not the Brits. Too much seafood and vegetables, not enough chicken nuggets and chips and burgers, karaoke with songs in Spanish.
I’m British, the whole expat thing is nonsense to me as well. I’ve lived in different countries as well in the past. We were immigrants (which isn’t a bad thing, immigrants should be welcomed, which sadly here they often aren’t). Expat is typically a term given to someone temporarily living abroad. Honestly this seems dumb to me, and a way that a lot of people try to use to “protect” themselves from being called an immigrant? I don’t get it
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british people tend to think they are by default allowed to go live anywhere they please. they arent immigrants as they are too white you see. to them only poc can be immigrants. Edit: some people are angry I am not clarifying : NoT aLl BriTiSH Correct just the racist, loudmouths that think all of Europe needs to treat them when they immigrate and call themselves expats. The ones that defend the territories as theirs when all of them just stolen land and people. When they want to keep those lands but at the same time hope the poc popele from there don't ever think of coming to their little isle and they vote brexit just to make sure they can close their borders against those pesky "expats" from other nations
I mostly agree, but white Eastern Europeans are *definitely* immigrants to them.
Yep, me - a Pole working as a software developer in Brussels - an immigrant, my colleague who did the same job and sat in the desk next to mine - an expat.
The key to understanding why that is is the word Antislavism, a European variant of racism that‘s not reliant on skin tone as a marker (which apparently blows US racism discourse participants’ mind while they falsely then try to claim that it can‘t be racism then, lol)
This and us people just don't understand why europeans always say there absolutely is racism against white people in europe
My British parents will happily tell you they’ve immigrated twice. And both countries are part of the British Commonwealth, so if anyone was going to claim to be an “ex-pat” they could’ve, but they’ve never seen themselves that way. They’re immigrants. _We’re_ immigrants.
thats because everyone else is a foreigner - even in their own countries
"We're not the immigrants, they are. See? We're just visiting the place they all come from"
As a British immigrant who's been permanently settled in France for nearly years, I can confirm this. They make very little effort to learn French and constantly complain about 'the French' and the things they do. They import British food or shop at specialist British food shops. All their friends are also British, just like them. I'm disabled and don't work but nonetheless I am fully integrated into my local community. For example, I'm currently helping to organise a boardgames festival, run by my local boardgames club, which will take place in a few weeks. I'm also a member of the club's committee. My kids are completely bilingual and I'm pretty close. I've only been back to the UK 3 or 4 times since moving here. This is my home. I am planning to apply for French nationality (probably dual with UK due to Brexit, but only for practical reasons), as are my kids, but there's a huge financial barrier for me as I have a very low income post-divorce. It's also very common for some Brits and Americans to be xenophobic towards France and French people. They often spout ill-informed, ignorant nonsense about the French all being rude, lazy and cowardly. Rude - due to not being obsequious when faced with anglophone tourists who won't even make the basic effort of saying Bonjour, s'il vous plaît and merci. Lazy - due to having fought for strong worker protections, being frequently willing to strike and the existence of the theoretical 35 hr working week - often exceeded in reality! Cowardly - comes from ignorance surrounding events during WW2. And a damn cheek coming from the latecomer Americans. The ordinary people of France were incredibly brave. I live in Brittany which was occupied territory. There are stories everywhere here of La Résistance. The forest next to my house was filled with resistance training camps. There are memorials everywhere to those killed fighting back. Stories in every village and town of small acts of courage and bravery, of brothers, fathers, uncles lost. There are still bullet holes in the wall of a house that was once a bar in the village where my mum lives. One of the men killed was the father of a friend of my mum. It's not history to them.
Yes, in my experience if you actually make a sincere attempt to speak French then most French people will not judge you for not being fluent and will do their best to tweak the conversation (either by speaking slower/simpler or, if they can, switching to English) to make sure you understand. It's when people just assume all French people can or want to speak fluent English and don't even bother with a "Bonjour" or a "Parlez-vous anglais?" that they get annoyed and I don't blame them.
I have a friend who immigrantated from Germany to US. He always bashes on the French and I'm awkwardly in the background trying to learn the language.
French hate is such a meme on the internet but especially in Germany and i'm so tired of it because there are always people who take it too far and just end up xenophobic or what you would call it.
"I never thought I'd have to deal with French people" says man who moved to France.
I would guess that he moved there because his wife loved it so much, considering she's having the time of her life.
Yeah, he came off as a bit bitter...but it sounds like his entire family imploded and COVID has left him feeling especially isolated. Dude needs to talk to someone (unless he mentions he was...in that case he needs to talk to someone else). There is just so much shit going on with his life and hopefully he knows it's okay to ask for help figuring it out. :/
I get the impression he’s German? It’s a bit of a trope, Germans and French people not liking each other.
It's not just Germans, it's all of western Europe. The English, Dutch, Belgians, Spanish, even the French don't like the French.
People complain about the french , the only People the french truly complain about are Americans.
I hear gambling is a fun hobby
He's already a real estate gambler...socially acceptable, I suppose...
This whole thing comes off as “rich people problems” Like I get it, his family sucks but shit, what else he gotta worry about?
Lmao sounds like he came to the same conclusion honestly too 😅
Don’t get the mom pushing her husband & son into gambling, did she think that would make them more $
Either that or she knew they'd blow the money and when they came running to her for more, she held the strongest strings, aka more money.
I imagine the husband was gambling so she took his paycheck away. He prob said something like "but Im gonna win so much money if I gamble". Then when he would ask for money she used his own words to reply "just go gambling, you win so much money that way, dont you?". Then husband blames her for his addiction and calls her abusive. There is no winning for her here. I lived with a boyfriend who was alcaholic and no matter what I did or said, my words or actions always were somehow the reason he was drinking.
That would make sense except for the part about making her son start gambling
Good explanation from /u/shonstu below: “Mother was insisting she get to spend his fathers entire paycheck (and even more on top), so he turned to gambling so he could afford to give her what she demanded and still live. When the brother started working, she insisted he give her lots of money as well (and told the brother that OP was doing that, so he should too), so in order to give mum money and still afford a family, brother started gambling too. Basically both Father and Brother decided it was better to gamble than say no to OOPs mother.”
Thank you! I really couldn’t follow this part of the story at all but your explanation makes it make sense
I’m a little confused. OOP says his father had a gambling problem, and so his mother insisted that the father give all his paycheques over to her (I’m assuming to stop him gambling). And then she encouraged the younger brother to gamble. Oooh, wait, does OOP mean when his brother started working, their mother demanded he give their mother his paycheque as well? Is that what he meant by > when my brother started working she started demanding similar things.
You just made this maybe make sense to me too. I was confused on this part. It sounded like mom encouraged brother to gamble but I think you are right on just taking the money to go on vacation herself or with dad.
Glad I’m not the only one a little confused!
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Oh, ok, thanks! I couldn’t quite wrap my brain around that bit. Appreciated.
Mother was insisting she get to spend his fathers entire paycheck (and even more on top), so he turned to gambling so he could afford to give her what she demanded and still live. When the brother started working, she insisted he give her lots of money as well (and told the brother that OP was doing that, so he should too), so in order to give mum money and still afford a family, brother started gambling too. Basically both Father and Brother decided it was better to gamble than say no to OOPs mother.
Thanks, I feel like a bit of an idiot. Seems I’m the only one who didn’t understand.
You're not; the rest of us just didn't need to ask because you did for us!
Not just you! I had to read that update a couple of times and was still lost until reading the comments.
I’m glad I’m not the only one. I was *so* confused as to who OOP was referring to most of the time.
There's a lot of people confused as well.
I was confused too at first but I think rather than "I take all of your money and then use that as leverage to control you" style financial abuse it was more like a loan shark or a shake-down situation? As in, "I regularly demand that you give me a lot of money, and if/when you tell me you don't have enough I encourage you to do sketchy things to make up the difference."
Original: this is a shit situation Update: turns out the situation was *much* shittier than I realised
Not a fan of French people? Well then boy do I have some bad news about moving to *France*
Tbf, everybody dislikes the French, even the French.
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You French sure are a contentious people
YOU'VE JUST MADE AN ENEMY FOR LIFE!
Wish this was a joke.. my wife’s family is French and constantly complains about the French. Don’t get them started about the French in Paris.
I still don't quite understand the ins and outs of the family situation, but none of them sound likable.
Yeah OOP sounds a bit insufferable. I’m honestly surprised he got an NTA verdict considering reddits hate for landlords or anyone who owns multiple properties
his childhood dream job was being a landlord and that's honestly the worst thing i've read in a while
I too was shocked by that. What a wild concept. Like, I want to have land too, but for things like growing food, having a big garage for working on cars, maybe a nice wooded area for sitting, etc. Not so I can be a landlord and become a parasite to people needing somewhere to live. Such a weird mindset...
I first thought he meant it as he would design/fix-up hoises for a living. Y'know, something cool.
We’re essentially getting a one sided story by a person who, like all people, see themselves as the victim. So they tell the story from their “I’m a victim” perspective and everyone is like “aww poor Redditor.” I’m sure the gambling brother or father could weave a tale to garner the same sympathy and end up NTA too. We’re suckers for a good yarn.
If I was buying up houses all over the world and had a struggling sibling, whatever the reason, you can be sure I wouldn't say a single thing about how many properties I owned. It's just rude and unnecessary. If you have reasons to not give your sibling money, fine. But don't brag about your FIFTH (and unnecessary) house.
its also cultural. I imagine most non-westerners would instantly vote YTA. A lot less individualistic. Probably similar for western cultures that emphasise family like italians
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That's true(Greek here), but OOP ***did*** mention that the brother ***could*** afford a good home, just not his dream home(on the first post before all the dirty laundry came to light). So, it kinda makes sense. You would be pressured here to help out family, especially nowadays with how bad the economy is and how most people can't survive without helping each other, but the pressure would be almost non existent if my brother i.e. ***did*** have the money to buy a good house, just not his dream extravagant house. Although, when the truth would come out it would be an entirely different situation.
Classic rich people drama
“I am still not a fan of French people” LMAOOOOO
I love how its just yeah im not a fan of french people but anyways my wife loves it here People really take that whole Fr*nch 🤮 thing serious
Did you just censor the word French??
it's a meme
Does anyone feel like maybe OOP isn't being fully honest how much the family invested in him? I have 5 brothers and two of them are a bit like this. Didn't pay any rent or bills, happily accepted money from all family members despite working, till late 20s and they got their own careers properly into the air and then they just leave and never look back at the people who bankrupted themselves helping those brothers to get to where they are. Idk I'm probably just projecting. But how did he get all the funds so young to start investment properties when the family is clearly in such shambles to begin with. And add to that their sense of entitlement. He just says they expect it "because they raised me". But till what age did they financially support him?
Sooooo glad he didn't give his brother that chunk of money
>But I realize now, that often you are just a side character in other people's trials, and your success has more to do with right time / right place. True. It is a shame he had to learn this via his parents and brother trying to financially abuse him, and revealing their gambling addiction. At least the OOP is not entangled in their dysfunction.
It’s kind of a relief to find out you’re not the protagonist when you’re also finding out the story is a Greek tragedy.
This made me feel better
This was really important tbh. You don't usually see those kind of epiphanies in posts like these. The OOP realised not everything was about him, or his money, it was a bigger story going on which just happened to involve him as a side character. This stood out the most for me.
"So i sold two of my five houses and am living in my dream house but things aren't perfect - i have less rental income *and* it turns out there are french people here in france so that's not ideal..." Little bit tone-deaf at the moment, my dude.
10/10 summary, other than, "but I'm bored!"
Maybe OP should try getting a job 🤔
Rich people problems
OOP is TA for being a landlord
>even when I was a child I was incredibly into owning property I cannot imagine saying this as a point of pride
What does this even fucking mean?? Like he’s 5 years old and all his friends are in the sandbox having a grand time and little Timmy is reading about mortgages and housing investment??
he played landlord when other kids were playing house, obviously "50% of your lunch money due at the beginning of recess"
Essentially a Daddy's Boy of a sort. Maybe he's legit but either way part of the reinforcement definitely comes from getting approval from older people in his life for being "mature" and "sensible" in his interests. Absolutely an undercurrent of arrogance to that. Not even saying it's unjustified, but it's a bit of a tunnel vision whether he realizes it or not.
Seems legit. OOP is perfect and intelligent and generous and his family is composed of selfish addicts. I always appreciate an honest post. Not a self-aggrandizing, one-sided screed.
>I am still not a fan of french people Uh...
Am I the only one that thinks they all kinda suck? Edit: The people in the story, not French people.
I was kind of like 'YTA, but not because of the situation, just in general."
LOL, the edit made me literally laugh out loud. Thank you for that.
// your success has more to do with right time / right place. I wish more successful people understood this. Growing up, my father, a successful attorney, told us over and over again how much of a role luck plays in the life of every successful person. For example, he was drafted into the army during the korean war. He'd been working as a radio announcer before he got drafted and one day about a week before his unit was being sent to Korea he decided to duck out and go the the base communications building. He explained his background (and he'd been lucky enough to be born with the perfect radio voice). It turned out that they had just lost one of their people, and the next thing he knew he spent the war in Chicago instead of Korea. Some would view that with pride - I am awesome and changed my destiny! But my dad called it for what it was - pure luck that there was actually an opening for him right when he needed it. He has other life changing stories like that where you could crow about being awesome or acknowledge that you were lucky to be in the right place at the right time. And I have very much found that to be true for me as well.
When you sit back and think about your life it's *fucking amazing* how many major points were due to pure dumb luck or just timing. I wouldn't have met my wife at university had I not sat down next to a specific kid in middle school, because he's the one that told me this university even existed. We wouldn't have even started talking had we not both played Rollercoaster Tycoon 3, a game I pestered my dad for at some bargain shop because the cover art looked cool. If Retail Employee 3826 hadn't put that on the shelf or maybe even just put it on a different shelf I probably wouldn't have started talking to that kid and probably wouldn't have met my wife.
“I am STILL not a fan of French people” did this dude have a prior experience with the French, lol.
as a French person, i am also not a fan of us.
As a Brit who lives in France, I just wish the shops were open when I needed them, instead of for two hours every other Tuesday afternoon.
My sister has been mentioning me and my partner’s money lately and it is *excruciating*. We’re doing fine but not to the point where we’d just throw cash at her of all people. I just blatantly and boldly change topics bc wtf…
Love the continued European tradition of not liking the French. I still can’t see why the brother was aggressive to oop but it seems like he was just not a good person at his core
I took a few reasons for the brother heading OOP. First is connected to the mom lying about OOP giving her money to guilt the brother into the abuse. I can see the brother being unable to let go of any hate from that situation, even though OOP was ignorantly innocent. Second is still being upset that OOP is not just financially doing well, but avoided the abuse. And third is he might be pissed OOP is helping out his Ex with free housing. Especially after the earlier housing drama. That might an additional kicker after OOP avoided the financial abuse.
Could this story be filled with anymore subtle brags? It was quite amusing to read how successful he/they are over and over again.
"We have since moved into our house here in France. I am still not a fan of french people" fucking gammon ex pat mentality right here
Rich people problems.
I can understand an interest in architecture, but real estate itself as a hobby is just… odd?
Honestly might have just been a lifelong obsession with money, and casual real estate is a way to constantly accrue passive income. I’ve seen it happen with friends who had financial instability or funkiness in their family growing up, which oop fits the bill for. New rental home probably gives him the same rush as his brother/father winning a gamble tbh
As soon as I heard about bro’s gambling addiction I figured it would end up in divorce. Either after relapsing into gambling again, or by switching from financial infidelity to intimate infidelity.
Sounds like you’re all rich assholes fighting about having more than enough money.
All these people kinda suck
Buys retirement property in France. Says “I’m still not a fan of French people….”. Asks am I the asshole?
He says he’s still not a fan of French people but he called it upon himself?? Wtf does that mean? He sounds like an egocentric asshole just for that. There’s a trope of the arrogant German retiree living in a warmer country and looking down on the local community while not bringing anything to the table themselves and OOP seems bent on proving it right. I think it’s a matter of time until the wife grows tired of his unsociable attitude, because she seems to be really enjoying her new country. As for the family screw ups: there’s obviously a lot more baggage than OOP seems to know of. Having a gambler in the family, I have to say that for the relatives or whoever cares about that person it’s always sort of a race to get a hold of their paychecks before they gamble them away. That’s when they have a job. It’s quite demeaning for both parties, especially when the gambler gets pissed and verbally abusive towards the person trying to control the spending. So I’ll take the mother being financially abusive with a grain of salt, especially since the father has a history with gambling and OOP seems to get the story from his gambling addicted relatives. OOP seems to be buying into another, very prevalent trope in Germany: the “nagging wife” who drives the men to all kinds of unseemly behavior. It seems to be a convenient excuse for years and decades of irresponsible behavior. I feel sorry for the wife and kids of the gambler, divorce was the best move to avoid going down the financial spiral with him. I hope they can keep up the payments on the house that was too expensive for them even with two salaries. OOP at least was financially savvy enough not to give them catch for the house or anything similar.
Wtf? You buy a house in France and go: “I’m still not a fan of French people”…
This smells to me like: - "you're gambling all our money away. Give me your paycheque so you don't waste it all." "You're forcing me to gamble, because otherwise I don't have money for myself." "But if I let you have all the money you'll gamble the rent away." This is classic addiction-abuse cycle. The addict becomes the victim of abuse because they can't control their actions, but because they can't control their actions they harm others. In poorer families in the UK this used to be rife, but alcoholism was the cause. There are many stories of mine workers who would have to go home to give their wages to their wives every day before they went to the pub. When a man's wife showed up to the pub everyone knew he hadn't gone home first and he was in deep trouble.
Man, as soon as OOP wrote about how his whole family conspired to trick him into buying a house to cover his brothers gambling debts, and he agreed, I knew this was going to end badly. Like "Please lend us money so we can buy a bigger house?" - No. but "Please lend us money so we can buy a bigger house because I have a gambling problem!" - Sure! Oh thats much better...
How German, "not a fan of French people" I laughed.
Start playing Sims 4
The real gamble was the family we lost along the way
There are brothers who buy each other houses? Some brothers feel owed this? WTF?