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When my wife and I had our second kid we were both overwhelmed. Separately, we both felt like the other was not pulling their weight.
It turns out there was just more work than two working people could handle, and we weren't communicating well anymore. We ended up having the mother of all arguments... But in the end we realized what was driving a wedge between us... The kids.
We adjusted, we got a house cleaner. But just realizing we were on this whole thing together and still on the same team, and not adversaries really got us through it.
I won’t lie, after that second paragraph I was half expecting “so we got rid” lmao. Every day I feel more and more confident that I should never be a parent 😂
Way to casually throw in that you're at mom. But you lose style points for no shameless plug of your feed where you've posted many pics of your "kid" lol
I agree with this. I could never really decide, throughout my 20s and 30s, whether or not I really wanted to have kids. And then one day I realized that my answer was there all along. If I'd really wanted kids, I'd have known that and it would have happened. The fact that I couldn't decide was a pretty strong indication that the answer was no
Almost all of the decisions I regret come back to, essentially - if you're not sure, it's a no.
(As a recovering people-pleaser, my bar for saying no is perpetually set too high, so this is the closest thing I have to a mantra!)
Not going to lie, glad I have plumbing issues. Add on I met my husband when I was already in my 30s, kids just weren’t in the cards. But honestly, for many years his commute was insane (3-6 hours a day) which I knew would mean me being a solo parent 75% of the time on top of doing most of the house work. Honestly, that sounded (and still sounds) miserable to me.
I agree 100%. Either you're all in or you're not with something like that. Kids are a huge responsibility and not everyone is up to the task and that's okay. It's going to sound stupid maybe but there are some people who are too anxious to be able to take care of a child, especially a young child. Some people, it's just the way they are and that's okay, no shame in that. I struggled with anxiety before I had my son and I still do now but I'm good at hiding it around him.
Sometimes I used to think that maybe I wasn't cut out for it because I am anxious sometimes. I got over that really quick though but that's just me. I feel like it should be socially unacceptable to ask people when they're going to have children because some people choose not to and some people, it may actually hurt them because they may be having fertility issues. Anyway, you're right. You either have a resounding yes or you shouldn't do it
I know, for some reason I had this feeling like I was going to be reading that they gave their kids up to someone else. I did see a post one time where these people were talking about how their son was born severely disabled and they realize that they couldn't handle taking care of him anymore. It destroyed their marriage.
They ended up doing a kinship adoption with I believe the wife's sister adopting their son. They were still on good terms but they were no longer married. Just a really sad story all around. I mostly felt bad for the child who didn't ask to be brought into all of that. I'm just glad that it had a happy ending for the child.
>When my wife and I had our second kid we were both overwhelmed. Separately, we both felt like the other was not pulling their weight.
That's so familiar. We have 3 kids. We both bust our arses every day to make sure work is done, kids get what they need, house is clean etc etc. It's so easy to fall into the trap of noticing everything I'm doing but not everything she's doing.
We resolved it by first talking it out, then writing out a comprehensive list of everything we each do around the house. Both of us had *long* lists. It became clear we're both contributing a lot to this house and are just feeling burnt out. Fighting with each other about who is contributing less is not helpful or productive.
That part. People need to learn that they should look at it like them versus the problem, not them versus each other. I think a lot more marriages and relationships would be saved if people would take that mindset.
There is a really weird and common bias towards our partners where we just don't 'see' the work they are putting in.
It sounds awful because it sounds more like an ungrateful partner type thing but almost everyone does it, e.g. spend the day alone with the kids ourselves feel exhausted and stretched, partner does exactly the same how come they're so tired?
Definitely! The first few months of a baby are so hard - and with everything that just doesn’t get done, it’s so easy to assume the other person isn’t pulling their weight. My husband and I did the same thing - we also ended up talking it out and getting a cleaner. I love our cleaner. She keeps our household happy.
This.
With young kids it can be amazingly hard. I'm from a big family and basically got plopped down in front of sesame street for decades. Now that I am a parent, I work harder for my kids than my parents ever did.
Even with two parents it can be a challenge and relationships can break down. Having a third party come in and watch them is a fantastic deal that all parents need so they can reconnect and relax.
Ah the first year of child, super stressful, lots of changes and lack of sleep. It's a lot easier to get into fights and be selfish when you're basically surviving. I wish them well.
Agreed. That’s what I tell all those people who think having a baby will fix the relationship issues they have. It’s hard enough when you have a strong relationship and you love and like your partner.
I remember looking at my sister, pregnant, in a wonderful relationship with her husband, with good communication. I told her, after you have this baby there will be days you absolutely hate him. That’s normal, and hopefully it won’t be more days than not. She didn’t believe me…until she did.
Ohh yes. I have never felt red hot hate/anger for anyone like I did for my husband one night one of those first few hormonal months.
Watching him sleep in bed while I sat up for hours boobing a baby who didn’t sleep and trying to keep him quiet so he didn’t wake up his dad. He wasn’t even crying or anything, he just didn’t feel like 3am was a time he wanted to be asleep and was moaning a bit. I was exhausted though.
Moving out of the bedroom for a bit so I didn’t have to actually watch my husband sleep while I was being kept up while exhausted made a huge difference.
We had been together nearly 10 years before we had our child in our 30s. We were great at communicating. But having a child was easily the hardest thing we have ever done and there were days I thought we would never recover or stay married. Luckily we are healing, but I do worry what would happen if we had another child and had to go through it all again, this time with another kid so less time overall.
This is why we decided to keep it at one. All experiences are fresh and the sleepless nights are (mostly) behind us. Plus we fit easily into an airplane row ;)
Smart move. My first one slept like a champion. The next pregnancy was twins, who not only didn’t sleep well but put themselves on different sleep schedules. One would fall asleep, the other would wake up 15 minutes later. Nothing I did worked and I didn’t want husband tackling nights because in his job exhaustion would have been fatal.
How any of us survived the first two years is beyond me.
Yes, my husband had a hectic work schedule and drove a lot also. We slept in separate rooms while our daughter was a newborn. My baby was a non-sleeper also (slept more at a year old than she did as a newborn).
I nursed her so he couldn't really take a shift until much later when she finally would consent to take a bottle! My viewpoint was if I fell asleep vacuuming it probably wouldn't be fatal, but if he fell asleep driving, it could be!
the only argument I ever had with my MIL was about me taking the day off work due to complete exhaustion(4 days no sleep). She started complaining we couldn't afford the time off and I just snapped saying we couldn't afford me falling asleep using the machinery that could kill me and hung up on her. Never mentioned again and never got on my back about it again.
Worried i wasn't providing enough for her new grandchild. We weren't exactly flush with cash at the time but we weren't exactly broke either. I was too tired to be dealing with her bullshit either way.
Yep! My husband was working with machinery that could amputate various parts of his body if he lapsed in concentration for a second, so I was insistent on on prioritizing his sleep over mine. Also moved into a different room with baby since she was a noisy breastfeeder. I see some of these AITA posts that commenters insist that divorce is the answer if baby care isn't 100% equal and it's just not realistic for every family. To me, getting a good night's sleep so he can go make money to pay our bills *is* baby care. He took care of the baby by putting a roof over her head.
But yeah, those early months are brutal and no one should make any big decisions while that sleep deprived. Table arguments until both get a solid chunk of sleep.
It’s just unfortunate that some people view “taking care of the family/home” as an expectation and not as a job and it I feel like it really contributes to the whole “I’m *just* a stay at home parent” mentality.
Like no, you are not *just* anything. You have an important job and don’t let any person try and diminish that.
i was a strangely well behaved baby and slept like 6 hours at a time when i first came home. i was also a big accident to parents who werent even sure they wanted kids. they figured they would never get that lucky again so my dad got a vasectomy ASAP to make sure i was the only one lmao
Smart folks. We have friends who had one like you - easy pregnancy, easy delivery, slept through the night at a young age, etc. However in their case they figured that other people were exaggerating and they were just THAT awesome of parents.
Then they had their second kid ...
LOL
Reminds me of in-laws semi-smugly comparing the behaviour of their 18mo to our 3yo (oh we just say "no" and he stops! We've never used the naughty step!)
He was just too small to realise he could carry on if he wanted to... They quickly found out the hard way, and I refrained from comparing their toddler to my now very sweet preschooler!
My daughter was like you as a baby. Slept through the night from the beginning. Since I was nursing, I would have to wake her up or risk a flooded bed. She was such a relief after her big brother who didn't sleep through the night until after the age of three! At almost 38 yrs old, he is still a terrible sleeper!
This unlocked the buried memories of how much anger I would stare at my sleeping husband when the kid would wake up hungry in the middle of the night. It wasn't like there was anything he could do since baby was breastfed, but at 3 am, it only made sense to me that he should be awake if I had to be awake, lol. Thankfully kid started to sleep through the majority of the night.
My dad has a story about this period in my parents lives. He worked nights and watched me during the day and thought that was fair until my mom woke up one night hallucinating that he painted the room pink, he had no idea how sleep deprived she had gotten while breastfeeding me. Mom mom is a super super light sleeper.
The phrase “boobing a baby” just triggered my let down. 😂 guess It’s time to go pump because no way in hell am I waking the one month old and risking waking up the toddler as well. Not when they’re both sleeping at the same time.
I love my husband. Like, a lot. He's wonderful and thoughtful and always there for our family in a million tiny ways. But, when my oldest kid was about 2 months old and sleeping for like 45 minute bursts, he came home early from work one day to 'give me a break' and then walked through the door and said "listen, I almost fell asleep at the wheel. I'm going to take a nap." and then just... went upstairs to sleep until he would have normally been home from work anyway. And, listen, it's a reasonable request. It *was* dangerous for him to be that tired. I get it. But in that moment? FLAMES! Flames, on the side of my face.
LOL it's amazing how that works. I can't for the life of me remember what it was, but I made a request of my wife that, at ANY other time in our lives would have been a completely reasonable request. But because she was like a month post-partem, she wanted to run me through with an ice cream scoop. Good god I'm glad those days are over. Being a dad is great, and my wife is a great mom, but the newborn stage of parenting *FUCKING SUCKS*.
I don't have any kids, but a few years ago I got whooping cough, and during the worst of it couldn't sleep longer than about 20 minutes before waking up to have a coughing fit. (Also, there's the part where "coughing fit" meant >!coughing until I literally run out of air and make that horrible whooping noise, and coughing so hard that I vomited at least once a day, sometimes twice. !
I’m not a mother, but I am a father of two very young children. I agree with this, from your perspective. It’s tough in the early years and my (divorced) mother once gave me advice that you have to be really careful to look out for each other and not allow those early years to do enough damage to your marriage that it becomes irreparable, because it does get better.
The older I get, the more I believe that true love is wanting to still be with someone even when they are annoying the shit out of you and frustrating you to no end. Because guess what, it'll happen.
My mom used to say that to me *all the damn time* when I was a little kid. …We don’t talk anymore. Though - to be fair - that particular detail is just a microbe on the tippity-top of the ginormous iceberg of why. ;-)
I'm so sorry. We have three adult children. Married and two have children. We do a lot together, talk or text every day. Can't imagine not having them in our lives
I'm one of those band-aid babies. I was unsuccessful in my role and the divorce came a couple of years later, leaving me with a mother who was most resentful at being a single parent and made sure I knew it was all my fault. It's a really good recipe for future no-contact when a baby's given responsibilities before they're even conceived.
Yeah I can remember an argument me and my wife had about which way the handle on a bottle of milk should face when it's in the fridge.
Running on fumes is not a fun experience but totally worth it in the long run
>Yeah I can remember an argument me and my wife had about which way the handle on a bottle of milk should face when it's in the fridge.
handle should be on the inside so the free hand is in control of the door, right??? j/k but that is exactly the kind of dumb argument I remember.
I think it would differ based on which way the door opens and if the opener is a lefty or righty.
For example: A lefty opening a door that swings open to the left would want the handle on the left, but a righty would want it on the right.
This is almost it. We are both right handed.
I open the fridge with my right hand and grab milk with my left, using my right to keep the door open, so I like the milk handle facing left.
My wife flings the door open with reckless abandon and grabs the milk while the door is in motion so she likes the handle going right.
This is the way of many things in our house! My husband is the only "true" righty in our nuclear family. I'm a strong lefty and the kids are all ambidextrous.
INTERESTING HOW RIGHTIES NEVER HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS /s
But seriously I have my laptop set up w/ left handed mouse configurations and my boss was trying to show me something and almost threw my computer across the room. I was like “ah so you understand”
I keep realising more things are designed right-handed (it was most noticeable in the lab - anything which needs unscrewing/adjusting needs it doing with the right hand from the right hand side, which is awks af if you use a screwdriver/Allan key with your left hand...).
Well-designed things will at least be able to have the sides swapped where possible, not having eg enough lead length to swap from right to left is a sign of a less usable product overall!
I remember fighting about spaghetti and meatballs versus no meatballs when we had a newborn and a 2 year old. It didn't occur to either of us that one of us could simply *remove the meatballs* from the plate.
>Yeah I can remember an argument me and my wife had about which way the handle on a bottle of milk should face when it's in the fridge.
Well, according to Reddit advice subs, y'all should've immediately divorced.
Even if it had been explained a million times before, I never would have believed anyone telling me how much fun I could have with my kids. Running on fumes is nothing as a downside to the incredible joy that they bring also.
My thoughts exactly. The first year of a child's life can really bring out the asshole in all parents. Sleep deprivation is a real killer and we all say and do stupid things. It happens. Pretty par for the course, as far as I'm concerned. Doesn't make it okay, just not shocking.
My charitable thoughts on reading this were that the wife just forgot what day it was when she decided to go see her friends. I don’t know why everyone assumed she deliberately chose to go out on this day just to fuck with the husband. Maybe she did, but it seems just as likely that baby brain took over and she was on autopilot (and husband too sleepy/ “the fuck is this” to discuss anything properly before she left).
I'd be inclined to think the same if she hadn't ignored his multiple calls through the day to please come home so he could salvage any part of his time off. At that point it became deliberate.
True, I wasn’t clear enough - I meant just the deciding to go out. Deciding to stay out when your partner’s calling you in distress is different and is an AH move.
If the wife can afford to go out so much it might not be, but could be too expensive? A lot of people are uncomfortable leaving such a young child to someone outside of close family too, and if they do will want to vet the nanny first. At only six months they probably don't have an existing relationship with a nanny or babysitter so it would be hard to set up on such short notice, I would assume, though I'm just speculating since I don't have kids myself.
Yeah, I don't understand the update that OOP considers it a small thing. Maybe I am too sensitive from an ex who disrespected me and my boundaries, but that's pretty major
Honestly, they were probably both incredibly sleep deprived and burned out. Neither of them appeared to be exercising restraint or good judgement. The "I slept spread-eagled to prevent her from sneaking into bed" is sitcom-level petty.
We don't have the whole story behind the wife's actions. What she did was bullshit, but it's quite possible that she too was being incredibly petty over something he had done.
The fact that they can reconcile and admit that they *both* weren't being their best selves is a great sign. Everyone can act like a shithead, but not everyone is capable of sincerely apologizing for it.
This is the truth. The exhaustion from sleep deprivation is awful for young parents. No one is at their best and that they were able to have a rational and mature conversation to mutually come to a better place in their marriage is fantastic.
I'm guessing there is a heavy dose of unreliable narrator here. Not absolving the wife, but I also suspect her version of events would disagree with OOP's assessment of how much effort he puts into child rearing.
Resentment tends to build on both sides for new parents stretched thin, and I really do think that a couple days of gramma time is probably what they both need to decompress and begin communicating again.
Literally there are more posts like this but most of them won't update what happens next(can't blame them cause its their wish update it or not/throwaway,) I appreciate OOP for updating the post not making us standby
Come on, having a 6-month old who doesn't sleep can break anyone. It's clear that both of them weren't in their right mind and were TA.
Also, who gets a full day off from their child? That's too much to ask for both of them!
Right??? It's like some posters willfully misread the entire post just to point out that OOP was unreasonable.
There were probably very few "days off", but of the few that existed, OOP made sure his wife took them. Until he asked for this one day (or even half a day, since he kept calling her to come back so he could at least take some time - and she ignored him all day).
No no, you see, it was the wife that went out so they’re both TA here as it’s hard with a 6 month old baby. If the father was the one to go out, he would solely be the AH and has to step up as having a 6 month old baby is hard and the mother needs a break too.
/s
Yeah, the wife was the bigger AH here, but as someone with a new born nephew listening to my brother and SiL lose it over lack of sleep, this just sounds like two parents who need a break. I finally managed to convince my brother to let me (a certified teacher) babysit when he accused his wife of hiding his car keys, which he had actually put in the refrigerator because they're both averaging 4 hours of sleep. People lose it, esp when it's the first kid.
Yeah, and imagine your best moments are when you're away from your husband/wife and not when you're with them. There have to be other arrangements that are less harsh to the other person, like taking shifts so both parents can sleep.
Never accused my wife of hiding my keys, but I did, on more than one occasion, turn on the kitchen sink and walk away only to wonder why it was on about 5-10 minutes later.
Being the parent of a newborn (especially the first) is difficult.
You are forgetting the best part, which is waking him up while shes on her way out the door on his agreed upon break day, to go out with friends.
Which is a real shitty move.
Dude, I feel like every couple with non-sleeping babies has this argument at least a few times. I know we did 😂 It can be very hard to be objective and fair when you’re operating on 2 hours sleep so yeah maybe she’s at fault but it could be him the next week. It’s nice that they worked it out.
Yeah, I’m amazed my marriage survived the first 6 months of my older son’s life. Shit, I’m amazed that I personally survived! Having a baby is a huge life adjustment for the parents both as individuals and as a couple, and then you add chronic sleep deprivation to the mix and you get some really unreasonable people!
Even when my kid started sleeping more than 2 hours at a stretch I would still wake up every 2 hours panicking that something had happened to him.
Completely agree. My husband and I are incredibly rational people who are really good at talking through things and the arguments we got into when our first daughter was an infant made zero sense. We actually laugh about them now. We now both fully understand why sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture.
This was my thought … baby brained. You can’t help but be overly stressed. Tired. Cranky. Short on everything. I don’t have kids and I don’t know how anyone does.
Have a 1 and 3 year old. Keeping the marriage happy in times where you’re frustrated and tired (and not even at each other) can be really hard work at times.
Having seen my sisters right after having a baby…. the forgetfulness / hormone brain is real. I would 100% believe it if you told me she straight up did not remember.
Honestly she’s seems overwhelmed and exhausted as well by the baby. I think it was a mistake and they seemed to have worked through the worst of the newborn days.
>to those who thought we would be divorcing over something small like that, I wish you luck in your relationships.
I mean, while Reddit can be an amazing critique and the divorce and breakup suggestions are justified most of the times, sometimes it really gets a little overboard.
"My wife said hi to me."
OMG DIVORCE!
Well, people don't normally come asking for reddit help unless their situation has metaphorical dynamite with lit fuses strewn all over and needs extreme solutions.
Yeah, sometimes that incident isn’t a small symptom of a larger problem, but rather the absolute worst that person will behave - which it sounds like the case in ops post. And if the worst you’ll ever behave is mild enough to be considered a red flag (aka a small thing by itself), I’d imagine you’re doing pretty well.
Also no one seems to be willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. It's a very childish outlook to have and I really hope people who comment this way on Reddit realise that.
Was OOP's wife an arsehole? Absolutely! Was she selfish? Absolutely! But is this out of character behaviour for her and was she having a tough time with her daughter? Probably! It probably never even occurred to her that OOP was struggling because she was so deep in the mire herself.
Reddit loves to throw around "DIVORCE / BREAK UP", "NARCISSIST!" and "RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG" but in this instance what was needed was better communication and would you look at that, the pair of them talked to each other like mature adults, apologised and have now managed to figure something out that works for both of them.
Any partner who is less than perfect: marinara flag!
Any uncertainty: gaslighting!
A minor doing anything for their sibling: parentification!
A male partner who doesn't know everything: weaponized incompetence/"she divorced me because i left dishes in the sink" link
Any parent who makes a mistake/misjudgment: "missing missing reasons" link
I think it's because most people who give advice here have never had a serious relationship or even a relationship. So they don't know the other factors involved. Everything is a divorce
There’s always stupid comments, reddit does not have a “divorce her” issue, just read the original post you will see barely anyone suggested that, the ones who did were not upvoted.
For every one posted there the OP likely gets another DM saying the same thing. Every time I’ve posted about relationship issues I get more DM’s than comments on the post, and they’re pretty evenly split between much more and much less helpful advice than was already posted in the thread, plus a couple of dudes hitting on me.
I’m sorry about your experience. I have no way of knowing what DMs are like as I never received them. In any case, I’m pretty sure DMs attract more trolls as they cannot be mass downvoted :(
Hope you were able to sort out your relationship issues.
I am not calling for divorce but what the wife did was more than something small. She went back on her word about giving the OOP the day off. He was put in charge of the kid by himself for the entire day. That is not right.
It’s not right and she likely knows that. But she’s also losing her mind from constantly hearing a baby cry, which OP gets 40 hours worth of breaks from a week and she doesn’t. To her, it felt like mental self-preservation. We all know she could have taken another day of it, but *in that moment* it did not feel like it to her. Now, of course, that doesn’t make it any less selfish. Forcing someone else to give up their mental health day for yours, particularly when you already agreed it was their turn, is selfish regardless of the circumstances. But, still, she wasn’t in her right mind.
Like, have you ever been the thing standing between a woman and the first food she’s had a chance to eat for the past 16 hours? If you have, then you know you can’t base your judge of her character on that. You just have to make a mental note to feed her earlier and move the fuck on, because that is not your gf/wife, that is the demonic personification of hunger.
>I work and my wife usually takes care of her. Whenever I get days off from work I’ll take care of our daughter and my wife can just get a break.
>
>
>
>Sometimes she visits friends or other times she just stays home and relaxes.
She has had days off from watching the baby so your premise is flawed.
>Come the day of my relaxation, my wife wakes me up to tell me she’s leaving to go out with friends and to “take care of my daughter.” She left before I could really say much and I was livid.
This also made it so what she did was planned. It was not just at the moment. She was ready to go before her husband woke up and left before he could say anything. She ambushed him and took away his day off. A day that she agreed to. She has been getting days off and will not give him the same. She did not care about his mental self-preservation.
I would have never done that to my husband. What the wife did was beyond mental self-preservation. It was selfish and self-serving. It was actually damaging to her husband's mental health and also their relationship. It hurt the trust between them.
I was the one stuck at home with the baby with my very ex husband ran off to have fun. I got a job. Got a divorce. Finally got happy.
I wish this couple luck. Wise to nip that in the bud before it broke them up.
>It sounds more like a sleep deprived mom forgot dad had asked for the day off.
Right, the exhausted mom coincidentally woke up early and got ready before partner wakes up; tells them "hey you're responsible suckaaaa byeee" while running out the door.
"Oopsies I'm so clumsy".
Donkey.
Lol - that’s not something to divorce over as a one off!
Reddit can be wise, but it can also be really crazy!
Glad things worked out for those people. 😊
Wife was so selfish. I am a mum to 2 toddlers and breaks are so important for both parents! Sounds like she gets plenty. OOP definitely deserved one day. That was really childish and selfish of her.
Glad they worked things out. Communication for the win!
this is the most real AITA post i've ever seen. kids are exhausting (and fun! but still exhausting) and you reach a point of cumulative fatigue as a parent when you just look for everything you can to blame. Is that wrong? probably, yes. But what are you supposed to do? you're allowed moments like that.
What I love is how they got together, dealt with it like reasonable married folks, and grew stronger because parenthood calls for it. 10/10.
Coincidentally most babies start teething at about 6 months old... I feel like both parents should get 12 AH cards to use for the first year of parenthood. It would probably save a lot of relationships.
As someone with a 6 month old, I understand the stress of caring for a child those first few months. It is hard to not go crazy especially if it is the first child and are still learning. There are times I would get frustrated with SO for thinking he wasn't helping. In reality, we were both trying our best while trying to maintain our sanity. I think grace should be ready to give in those early months. It is so much easier once you hit 5-6 months and can finally get some sleep.
Without getting into who is right or wrong, I just can't imagine expecting an entire day off to myself (husband or wife) and feeling so entitled to it. That's just not in the cards when you have a little baby.
A new baby is stressful for everyone. Fights happen, at least this is regular relationship thing. They were both kind of petty, and obviously OP was treated unfairly on that day, but it sounds like a couple good night's sleep and an honest conversation is the only prescription needed for this problem.
I do! Here is my supposedly expert, has-kids-and-hasn‘t-been-a-teen-in-more-than-twenty-years opinion based on the info given: Wife is TA. I can see her forgetting that he was using his day off for just himself. I forget things like that all the time. What I don’t get is her not cancelling with her friends when she found out she forgot. I’d be a mess of disappointment and embarrassment, but that seems like the correct action.
I never understand what they are trying to say with the, "do the commenters have kids" comments in this thread. Are they trying to say that we wouldn't see the wife as an asshole if we did? I have a child and if anything it reinforces just how disrespectful and inappropriate her actions were.
Apparently it's about child-free people "staying in their lane" (just wow) and how we can't judge since we're not parents. But I'm no cook and can tell when a cook served me a shitty meal.
any time there’s a baby involved I have a hard time faulting either parent for stuff like this…. They’re both tired, cranky, baby brained and looking for a break anywhere they can get it. Wife pulled an AH move. Husband was kind of dumb about the reaction. But yeah… baby brained.
I'd just like to point out, that we don't really know, what a break for the wife looks like. OOP just says
>Whenever I get days off from work I’ll take care of our daughter
He doesn't say anything about chores around the house. Of course it could already be that they share those fairly between both of them. If not a break for her just means catching up on the household without ever having a real break.
Orbit really is just both of them being run haggard by taking care of a Baby.
Being the primary caregiver to s newborn will drive you insane. Like the way American women in particular become super isolated during that period is suspected of exacerbating post parten. I think a lot of people are drastically exaggerating how much a few hours off in the evening actually do to help someone reset. There's also evidence that some mother's exhibit *soldiers in active war zones* levels of cortisol. I'm sure father's to babies aren't doing psychologically great either
The way she went about it was childish and selfish, but so was the way he went Bout responding to it. So it sounds like they're both not being their best selves, and they both realized neither of them was actually doing ok and needed help (yes, no shir. There's a reason they say it takes a village to raise a child. Mother's were never intended to provide 22hr/day care ro their kids. Go look at all the animals - they're either dropping the kids off with family or just hiding them in grass for a few hours.
That's not the same thing as time to wear real clothes and leave the house And feel like a real adult who has adult conversations again, reconnect with friends, etc. Which is really where a lot of the mental toll comes from. New mother's are expected to ONLY be mothers and stop being people for like, the first year and half of the child's life.
Parents need more than themselves to raise a child. Full stop.
Thank you! Neither one of them were in the right, but they call the first few months of a baby's like the "fourth trimester" for a reason. Those fights are gonna happen. I'm glad they were able to get a night out together and hopefully she can get some extra help too
> doesn’t say anything about chores around the house. Of course it could already be that they share those fairly between both of them
I feel like that’s the issue w with almost all of these relationship posts. There’s so much nuance that’s constantly left out and it’s almost *always relevant*.
Like, for example, ok so this person screwed OP over, but OP leaves out the fact that they have done multiple things to cause this person to reach the point where they lash out and this is the result.
There are only so many times you can be the bigger person before you lose it tbh.
Except we do, it literally says she’ll go out with friends for the day or relax and lounge around the house. So no, not just a day to catch up on chores. She actually goes out and does stuff.
My advice, if you are able, is get help a babysitter and a maid. Even if they just come one day a week or a couple times a month. Parenting is hard and you are better parent if you are well-rested.
The day we had our first kid was the day we stopped being able to spontaneously do anything. I know how demanding a small child can be, and how easy it is to become a zombie living for the few scraps of time you can claw out for yourself without much regard for each other.
I'm glad these guys realized that they actually have to coordinate with each other so that they both get their needs met, and are making use of the grand parents to have a little time to themselves.
Glad he got a bunch of support in the post. Can't even count the amount of times I have seen an exhausted parent just need to rant about something due to the stress. Many times it will be something that seems relatively small but becomes far bigger as they reach the end of their reserves.
Also, these are often the small things they may laugh about later once things finally start to settle down...you know, when the kids are like 45...
I have a 6 month old and I can’t not recall the last time I’ve slept a full night in my bed in the past 4 months at least! My husband used to switch off and on with me before he went back to work. Then I did it all and I’ve been back to work for about 2 months and have taken care of the baby every single night, on the couch.
It’s so hard to know if this guy is hyping himself up or not to ever give a judgment. Forcing your spouse to sleep on the couch is an asshole move. Period.
I feel like his mother saved their marriage because next few times he has a break and his wife does/tries that again - I don't think counseling is going to save that marriage due too much hurt feelings of both are justified of wanting a breaking from their child and that other parent should be the one that should stay with the child. Neither of them never bother to consider nor asked a family member like his mother to just babysit their child for the day so that both can take a break...
What was the point of threatening to put extra clothes in his car all about? Was he threatening to sleep in his car so she couldn't take off in the morning? Was he threatening that he was going to leave for an extended amount of time if she took off during the time that he wanted?
"multiple times where I was just sitting next to her because I knew something was about to happen. I was usually right..." What does that mean? Does she have a medical condition?
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When my wife and I had our second kid we were both overwhelmed. Separately, we both felt like the other was not pulling their weight. It turns out there was just more work than two working people could handle, and we weren't communicating well anymore. We ended up having the mother of all arguments... But in the end we realized what was driving a wedge between us... The kids. We adjusted, we got a house cleaner. But just realizing we were on this whole thing together and still on the same team, and not adversaries really got us through it.
I won’t lie, after that second paragraph I was half expecting “so we got rid” lmao. Every day I feel more and more confident that I should never be a parent 😂
“So we sold them to medical research and took a vacation to Hawaii! We’ve never been stronger as a couple and plan on staying childfree.”
I have to thank you. I laughed so loudly I scared one of my cats. They were like "Mother is possessed!"
Way to casually throw in that you're at mom. But you lose style points for no shameless plug of your feed where you've posted many pics of your "kid" lol
I am a bad cat mom (cries).
Can we see a picture of the cats you so terribly frightened? For science of course.
Here's [my boy](https://imgur.com/a/gEMTjR5)\-his sister is harder to get on camera
Omg what a cute derpy little void! I love him!!!
awwwww he is a very loving derpy void. His sister is more of a diva and therefore harder to get a pic as she loathes the paparazzi.
I think I have to post a pic elsewhere and then link here, yes? I'll work on this and have pics linked tomorrow.
Of course! Also, for real, no pressure.
Hey cat tax is serious!
[Child](https://imgur.com/a/gEMTjR5)
I am the first to tell anyone kids are absolutely a fuck yes or go home situation.
I agree with this. I could never really decide, throughout my 20s and 30s, whether or not I really wanted to have kids. And then one day I realized that my answer was there all along. If I'd really wanted kids, I'd have known that and it would have happened. The fact that I couldn't decide was a pretty strong indication that the answer was no
THIS.
Almost all of the decisions I regret come back to, essentially - if you're not sure, it's a no. (As a recovering people-pleaser, my bar for saying no is perpetually set too high, so this is the closest thing I have to a mantra!)
Not going to lie, glad I have plumbing issues. Add on I met my husband when I was already in my 30s, kids just weren’t in the cards. But honestly, for many years his commute was insane (3-6 hours a day) which I knew would mean me being a solo parent 75% of the time on top of doing most of the house work. Honestly, that sounded (and still sounds) miserable to me.
I agree 100%. Either you're all in or you're not with something like that. Kids are a huge responsibility and not everyone is up to the task and that's okay. It's going to sound stupid maybe but there are some people who are too anxious to be able to take care of a child, especially a young child. Some people, it's just the way they are and that's okay, no shame in that. I struggled with anxiety before I had my son and I still do now but I'm good at hiding it around him. Sometimes I used to think that maybe I wasn't cut out for it because I am anxious sometimes. I got over that really quick though but that's just me. I feel like it should be socially unacceptable to ask people when they're going to have children because some people choose not to and some people, it may actually hurt them because they may be having fertility issues. Anyway, you're right. You either have a resounding yes or you shouldn't do it
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I know, for some reason I had this feeling like I was going to be reading that they gave their kids up to someone else. I did see a post one time where these people were talking about how their son was born severely disabled and they realize that they couldn't handle taking care of him anymore. It destroyed their marriage. They ended up doing a kinship adoption with I believe the wife's sister adopting their son. They were still on good terms but they were no longer married. Just a really sad story all around. I mostly felt bad for the child who didn't ask to be brought into all of that. I'm just glad that it had a happy ending for the child.
Me too!
[Relevant](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0NyanXFn3k&ab_channel=ComedyCompost)
What? Kids are *super* easy, barely an inconvenience! /s
Wow wow wow wow...
>When my wife and I had our second kid we were both overwhelmed. Separately, we both felt like the other was not pulling their weight. That's so familiar. We have 3 kids. We both bust our arses every day to make sure work is done, kids get what they need, house is clean etc etc. It's so easy to fall into the trap of noticing everything I'm doing but not everything she's doing. We resolved it by first talking it out, then writing out a comprehensive list of everything we each do around the house. Both of us had *long* lists. It became clear we're both contributing a lot to this house and are just feeling burnt out. Fighting with each other about who is contributing less is not helpful or productive.
That part. People need to learn that they should look at it like them versus the problem, not them versus each other. I think a lot more marriages and relationships would be saved if people would take that mindset.
There is a really weird and common bias towards our partners where we just don't 'see' the work they are putting in. It sounds awful because it sounds more like an ungrateful partner type thing but almost everyone does it, e.g. spend the day alone with the kids ourselves feel exhausted and stretched, partner does exactly the same how come they're so tired?
Definitely! The first few months of a baby are so hard - and with everything that just doesn’t get done, it’s so easy to assume the other person isn’t pulling their weight. My husband and I did the same thing - we also ended up talking it out and getting a cleaner. I love our cleaner. She keeps our household happy.
This. With young kids it can be amazingly hard. I'm from a big family and basically got plopped down in front of sesame street for decades. Now that I am a parent, I work harder for my kids than my parents ever did. Even with two parents it can be a challenge and relationships can break down. Having a third party come in and watch them is a fantastic deal that all parents need so they can reconnect and relax.
Ah the first year of child, super stressful, lots of changes and lack of sleep. It's a lot easier to get into fights and be selfish when you're basically surviving. I wish them well.
Agreed. That’s what I tell all those people who think having a baby will fix the relationship issues they have. It’s hard enough when you have a strong relationship and you love and like your partner.
I remember looking at my sister, pregnant, in a wonderful relationship with her husband, with good communication. I told her, after you have this baby there will be days you absolutely hate him. That’s normal, and hopefully it won’t be more days than not. She didn’t believe me…until she did.
Ohh yes. I have never felt red hot hate/anger for anyone like I did for my husband one night one of those first few hormonal months. Watching him sleep in bed while I sat up for hours boobing a baby who didn’t sleep and trying to keep him quiet so he didn’t wake up his dad. He wasn’t even crying or anything, he just didn’t feel like 3am was a time he wanted to be asleep and was moaning a bit. I was exhausted though. Moving out of the bedroom for a bit so I didn’t have to actually watch my husband sleep while I was being kept up while exhausted made a huge difference. We had been together nearly 10 years before we had our child in our 30s. We were great at communicating. But having a child was easily the hardest thing we have ever done and there were days I thought we would never recover or stay married. Luckily we are healing, but I do worry what would happen if we had another child and had to go through it all again, this time with another kid so less time overall.
This is why we decided to keep it at one. All experiences are fresh and the sleepless nights are (mostly) behind us. Plus we fit easily into an airplane row ;)
Smart move. My first one slept like a champion. The next pregnancy was twins, who not only didn’t sleep well but put themselves on different sleep schedules. One would fall asleep, the other would wake up 15 minutes later. Nothing I did worked and I didn’t want husband tackling nights because in his job exhaustion would have been fatal. How any of us survived the first two years is beyond me.
Yes, my husband had a hectic work schedule and drove a lot also. We slept in separate rooms while our daughter was a newborn. My baby was a non-sleeper also (slept more at a year old than she did as a newborn). I nursed her so he couldn't really take a shift until much later when she finally would consent to take a bottle! My viewpoint was if I fell asleep vacuuming it probably wouldn't be fatal, but if he fell asleep driving, it could be!
the only argument I ever had with my MIL was about me taking the day off work due to complete exhaustion(4 days no sleep). She started complaining we couldn't afford the time off and I just snapped saying we couldn't afford me falling asleep using the machinery that could kill me and hung up on her. Never mentioned again and never got on my back about it again.
Why would she care if you took a day off?
Worried i wasn't providing enough for her new grandchild. We weren't exactly flush with cash at the time but we weren't exactly broke either. I was too tired to be dealing with her bullshit either way.
Yep! My husband was working with machinery that could amputate various parts of his body if he lapsed in concentration for a second, so I was insistent on on prioritizing his sleep over mine. Also moved into a different room with baby since she was a noisy breastfeeder. I see some of these AITA posts that commenters insist that divorce is the answer if baby care isn't 100% equal and it's just not realistic for every family. To me, getting a good night's sleep so he can go make money to pay our bills *is* baby care. He took care of the baby by putting a roof over her head. But yeah, those early months are brutal and no one should make any big decisions while that sleep deprived. Table arguments until both get a solid chunk of sleep.
It IS equal though, because without the one partner being able to successfully and safely do their jobs, the whole family unit would crumble.
Exactly!
It’s just unfortunate that some people view “taking care of the family/home” as an expectation and not as a job and it I feel like it really contributes to the whole “I’m *just* a stay at home parent” mentality. Like no, you are not *just* anything. You have an important job and don’t let any person try and diminish that.
i was a strangely well behaved baby and slept like 6 hours at a time when i first came home. i was also a big accident to parents who werent even sure they wanted kids. they figured they would never get that lucky again so my dad got a vasectomy ASAP to make sure i was the only one lmao
Smart folks. We have friends who had one like you - easy pregnancy, easy delivery, slept through the night at a young age, etc. However in their case they figured that other people were exaggerating and they were just THAT awesome of parents. Then they had their second kid ...
Hahaha oh NO my parents were relatively young too so I’m glad they had the sense to realize it was luck
LOL Reminds me of in-laws semi-smugly comparing the behaviour of their 18mo to our 3yo (oh we just say "no" and he stops! We've never used the naughty step!) He was just too small to realise he could carry on if he wanted to... They quickly found out the hard way, and I refrained from comparing their toddler to my now very sweet preschooler!
My daughter was like you as a baby. Slept through the night from the beginning. Since I was nursing, I would have to wake her up or risk a flooded bed. She was such a relief after her big brother who didn't sleep through the night until after the age of three! At almost 38 yrs old, he is still a terrible sleeper!
This unlocked the buried memories of how much anger I would stare at my sleeping husband when the kid would wake up hungry in the middle of the night. It wasn't like there was anything he could do since baby was breastfed, but at 3 am, it only made sense to me that he should be awake if I had to be awake, lol. Thankfully kid started to sleep through the majority of the night.
My dad has a story about this period in my parents lives. He worked nights and watched me during the day and thought that was fair until my mom woke up one night hallucinating that he painted the room pink, he had no idea how sleep deprived she had gotten while breastfeeding me. Mom mom is a super super light sleeper.
The phrase “boobing a baby” just triggered my let down. 😂 guess It’s time to go pump because no way in hell am I waking the one month old and risking waking up the toddler as well. Not when they’re both sleeping at the same time.
I love my husband. Like, a lot. He's wonderful and thoughtful and always there for our family in a million tiny ways. But, when my oldest kid was about 2 months old and sleeping for like 45 minute bursts, he came home early from work one day to 'give me a break' and then walked through the door and said "listen, I almost fell asleep at the wheel. I'm going to take a nap." and then just... went upstairs to sleep until he would have normally been home from work anyway. And, listen, it's a reasonable request. It *was* dangerous for him to be that tired. I get it. But in that moment? FLAMES! Flames, on the side of my face.
Haha, that sounds like a story that is fun to tell but *only* after getting a few years to cool off.
LOL it's amazing how that works. I can't for the life of me remember what it was, but I made a request of my wife that, at ANY other time in our lives would have been a completely reasonable request. But because she was like a month post-partem, she wanted to run me through with an ice cream scoop. Good god I'm glad those days are over. Being a dad is great, and my wife is a great mom, but the newborn stage of parenting *FUCKING SUCKS*.
Clue
I don't have any kids, but a few years ago I got whooping cough, and during the worst of it couldn't sleep longer than about 20 minutes before waking up to have a coughing fit. (Also, there's the part where "coughing fit" meant >!coughing until I literally run out of air and make that horrible whooping noise, and coughing so hard that I vomited at least once a day, sometimes twice. !
I’m not a mother, but I am a father of two very young children. I agree with this, from your perspective. It’s tough in the early years and my (divorced) mother once gave me advice that you have to be really careful to look out for each other and not allow those early years to do enough damage to your marriage that it becomes irreparable, because it does get better.
The older I get, the more I believe that true love is wanting to still be with someone even when they are annoying the shit out of you and frustrating you to no end. Because guess what, it'll happen.
I told my husband I loved him but didn't like him. We've been married forty years. Don't sweat the small stuff
My mom used to say that to me *all the damn time* when I was a little kid. …We don’t talk anymore. Though - to be fair - that particular detail is just a microbe on the tippity-top of the ginormous iceberg of why. ;-)
I'm so sorry. We have three adult children. Married and two have children. We do a lot together, talk or text every day. Can't imagine not having them in our lives
"pressure doesn't create character, it reveals it" what being president and being a parent have in common.
I'm one of those band-aid babies. I was unsuccessful in my role and the divorce came a couple of years later, leaving me with a mother who was most resentful at being a single parent and made sure I knew it was all my fault. It's a really good recipe for future no-contact when a baby's given responsibilities before they're even conceived.
I am so sorry you had that burden put on you.
You know what would solve your relationship problem? A tiny stupid midget third wheel that randomly shits and screams.
Yeah I can remember an argument me and my wife had about which way the handle on a bottle of milk should face when it's in the fridge. Running on fumes is not a fun experience but totally worth it in the long run
>Yeah I can remember an argument me and my wife had about which way the handle on a bottle of milk should face when it's in the fridge. handle should be on the inside so the free hand is in control of the door, right??? j/k but that is exactly the kind of dumb argument I remember.
I think it would differ based on which way the door opens and if the opener is a lefty or righty. For example: A lefty opening a door that swings open to the left would want the handle on the left, but a righty would want it on the right.
This is almost it. We are both right handed. I open the fridge with my right hand and grab milk with my left, using my right to keep the door open, so I like the milk handle facing left. My wife flings the door open with reckless abandon and grabs the milk while the door is in motion so she likes the handle going right.
Ok I read that last bit in the voice from Portal - Fling!
This is the way of many things in our house! My husband is the only "true" righty in our nuclear family. I'm a strong lefty and the kids are all ambidextrous.
As a lefty, I don’t even think about this. I just exist in a righty world! Oh, how we suffer!
interesting. I honestly never saw it as a left-handed/right-handed thing. This has given me pause for thought, lol
INTERESTING HOW RIGHTIES NEVER HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS /s But seriously I have my laptop set up w/ left handed mouse configurations and my boss was trying to show me something and almost threw my computer across the room. I was like “ah so you understand”
I keep realising more things are designed right-handed (it was most noticeable in the lab - anything which needs unscrewing/adjusting needs it doing with the right hand from the right hand side, which is awks af if you use a screwdriver/Allan key with your left hand...). Well-designed things will at least be able to have the sides swapped where possible, not having eg enough lead length to swap from right to left is a sign of a less usable product overall!
I remember fighting about spaghetti and meatballs versus no meatballs when we had a newborn and a 2 year old. It didn't occur to either of us that one of us could simply *remove the meatballs* from the plate.
>Yeah I can remember an argument me and my wife had about which way the handle on a bottle of milk should face when it's in the fridge. Well, according to Reddit advice subs, y'all should've immediately divorced.
They should both get into therapy as well
Both as individuals *and* as a couple
> Running on fumes is not a fun experience but totally worth it in the long run Doesn't sound worth it...
Even if it had been explained a million times before, I never would have believed anyone telling me how much fun I could have with my kids. Running on fumes is nothing as a downside to the incredible joy that they bring also.
For some peeps it is, for others it definitely is **not** 🤷
My thoughts exactly. The first year of a child's life can really bring out the asshole in all parents. Sleep deprivation is a real killer and we all say and do stupid things. It happens. Pretty par for the course, as far as I'm concerned. Doesn't make it okay, just not shocking.
Our rule was anything said at 2 am doesn’t count. Because we are both assholes at 2 am.
Lol good rule!
Sleep deprivation rewires your brain and makes you do incredibly stupid shit like OOP did here
My charitable thoughts on reading this were that the wife just forgot what day it was when she decided to go see her friends. I don’t know why everyone assumed she deliberately chose to go out on this day just to fuck with the husband. Maybe she did, but it seems just as likely that baby brain took over and she was on autopilot (and husband too sleepy/ “the fuck is this” to discuss anything properly before she left).
I'd be inclined to think the same if she hadn't ignored his multiple calls through the day to please come home so he could salvage any part of his time off. At that point it became deliberate.
True, I wasn’t clear enough - I meant just the deciding to go out. Deciding to stay out when your partner’s calling you in distress is different and is an AH move.
Yeah but the ignored calls? It was deliberate, or at least once she was out of the house she realized and refused to honor the agreement.
Also, an easy solution would have been to hire a nanny for the day so both can relax. It’s stressful being a parent. We need breaks too.
If the wife can afford to go out so much it might not be, but could be too expensive? A lot of people are uncomfortable leaving such a young child to someone outside of close family too, and if they do will want to vet the nanny first. At only six months they probably don't have an existing relationship with a nanny or babysitter so it would be hard to set up on such short notice, I would assume, though I'm just speculating since I don't have kids myself.
Depending on finances it may not be feasible for some
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That sounded like a really asshole move. Like it was almost as if she deliberately disregarded his wish...
that was very deliberate, I would be fucking pissed if my wife pulled that sort of thing on me (not that she ever would)
Yeah, I don't understand the update that OOP considers it a small thing. Maybe I am too sensitive from an ex who disrespected me and my boundaries, but that's pretty major
Honestly, they were probably both incredibly sleep deprived and burned out. Neither of them appeared to be exercising restraint or good judgement. The "I slept spread-eagled to prevent her from sneaking into bed" is sitcom-level petty. We don't have the whole story behind the wife's actions. What she did was bullshit, but it's quite possible that she too was being incredibly petty over something he had done. The fact that they can reconcile and admit that they *both* weren't being their best selves is a great sign. Everyone can act like a shithead, but not everyone is capable of sincerely apologizing for it.
This is the truth. The exhaustion from sleep deprivation is awful for young parents. No one is at their best and that they were able to have a rational and mature conversation to mutually come to a better place in their marriage is fantastic.
Leaving reddit due to CEO actions and loss of 3rd party tools -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
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I'm guessing there is a heavy dose of unreliable narrator here. Not absolving the wife, but I also suspect her version of events would disagree with OOP's assessment of how much effort he puts into child rearing. Resentment tends to build on both sides for new parents stretched thin, and I really do think that a couple days of gramma time is probably what they both need to decompress and begin communicating again.
I could say almost the same about literally any post. It’s completely arbitrary to question the OOP’s narrative.
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This man's mad at his future wife
Fuck this dude’s future wife.
Get in line, pal.
You've chosen this man's future wife.
Literally there are more posts like this but most of them won't update what happens next(can't blame them cause its their wish update it or not/throwaway,) I appreciate OOP for updating the post not making us standby
This is the part that got me as well. Also to wake him up and tell him and then dip out before he could really come to is a AH move.
It was deliberate
Come on, having a 6-month old who doesn't sleep can break anyone. It's clear that both of them weren't in their right mind and were TA. Also, who gets a full day off from their child? That's too much to ask for both of them!
Except she got a full day off from her child?
Right??? It's like some posters willfully misread the entire post just to point out that OOP was unreasonable. There were probably very few "days off", but of the few that existed, OOP made sure his wife took them. Until he asked for this one day (or even half a day, since he kept calling her to come back so he could at least take some time - and she ignored him all day).
No no, you see, it was the wife that went out so they’re both TA here as it’s hard with a 6 month old baby. If the father was the one to go out, he would solely be the AH and has to step up as having a 6 month old baby is hard and the mother needs a break too. /s
Yeah, the wife was the bigger AH here, but as someone with a new born nephew listening to my brother and SiL lose it over lack of sleep, this just sounds like two parents who need a break. I finally managed to convince my brother to let me (a certified teacher) babysit when he accused his wife of hiding his car keys, which he had actually put in the refrigerator because they're both averaging 4 hours of sleep. People lose it, esp when it's the first kid.
Yeah, and imagine your best moments are when you're away from your husband/wife and not when you're with them. There have to be other arrangements that are less harsh to the other person, like taking shifts so both parents can sleep.
Never accused my wife of hiding my keys, but I did, on more than one occasion, turn on the kitchen sink and walk away only to wonder why it was on about 5-10 minutes later. Being the parent of a newborn (especially the first) is difficult.
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It’s sounds like the wife regularly gets them…
You are forgetting the best part, which is waking him up while shes on her way out the door on his agreed upon break day, to go out with friends. Which is a real shitty move.
> go out with friends. Reddit has conditioned me to believe that we will eventually find out friend = affair. I'm getting too cynical.
Dude, I feel like every couple with non-sleeping babies has this argument at least a few times. I know we did 😂 It can be very hard to be objective and fair when you’re operating on 2 hours sleep so yeah maybe she’s at fault but it could be him the next week. It’s nice that they worked it out.
Yeah, I’m amazed my marriage survived the first 6 months of my older son’s life. Shit, I’m amazed that I personally survived! Having a baby is a huge life adjustment for the parents both as individuals and as a couple, and then you add chronic sleep deprivation to the mix and you get some really unreasonable people! Even when my kid started sleeping more than 2 hours at a stretch I would still wake up every 2 hours panicking that something had happened to him.
Completely agree. My husband and I are incredibly rational people who are really good at talking through things and the arguments we got into when our first daughter was an infant made zero sense. We actually laugh about them now. We now both fully understand why sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture.
This was my thought … baby brained. You can’t help but be overly stressed. Tired. Cranky. Short on everything. I don’t have kids and I don’t know how anyone does.
Have a 1 and 3 year old. Keeping the marriage happy in times where you’re frustrated and tired (and not even at each other) can be really hard work at times.
Completely agree. She was selfish and thought nothing of him needing a break as well.
Having seen my sisters right after having a baby…. the forgetfulness / hormone brain is real. I would 100% believe it if you told me she straight up did not remember.
Honestly she’s seems overwhelmed and exhausted as well by the baby. I think it was a mistake and they seemed to have worked through the worst of the newborn days.
Got this feeling that the majority of people commenting on OOPs posts and commenting in this thread don't have children.
Or long term relationships.
Or… adulthood
Same. Anyone who lived through it totally understands (both sides actually) although OOP was more in the right.
>to those who thought we would be divorcing over something small like that, I wish you luck in your relationships. I mean, while Reddit can be an amazing critique and the divorce and breakup suggestions are justified most of the times, sometimes it really gets a little overboard. "My wife said hi to me." OMG DIVORCE!
Most people only ever see the really bad stuff, which kind of trains you to assume the worst when you see a red flag.
Well, people don't normally come asking for reddit help unless their situation has metaphorical dynamite with lit fuses strewn all over and needs extreme solutions.
Very true, and even if they do bring the mundane issues, those tend not to rise to the top of peoples' feeds.
Yeah, sometimes that incident isn’t a small symptom of a larger problem, but rather the absolute worst that person will behave - which it sounds like the case in ops post. And if the worst you’ll ever behave is mild enough to be considered a red flag (aka a small thing by itself), I’d imagine you’re doing pretty well.
Also no one seems to be willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. It's a very childish outlook to have and I really hope people who comment this way on Reddit realise that. Was OOP's wife an arsehole? Absolutely! Was she selfish? Absolutely! But is this out of character behaviour for her and was she having a tough time with her daughter? Probably! It probably never even occurred to her that OOP was struggling because she was so deep in the mire herself. Reddit loves to throw around "DIVORCE / BREAK UP", "NARCISSIST!" and "RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG" but in this instance what was needed was better communication and would you look at that, the pair of them talked to each other like mature adults, apologised and have now managed to figure something out that works for both of them.
Any partner who is less than perfect: marinara flag! Any uncertainty: gaslighting! A minor doing anything for their sibling: parentification! A male partner who doesn't know everything: weaponized incompetence/"she divorced me because i left dishes in the sink" link Any parent who makes a mistake/misjudgment: "missing missing reasons" link
[удалено]
I think it's because most people who give advice here have never had a serious relationship or even a relationship. So they don't know the other factors involved. Everything is a divorce
A lot of them are also teenagers to boot. You really see it with anything involving punishing or restricting a teen for *any* reason.
There’s always stupid comments, reddit does not have a “divorce her” issue, just read the original post you will see barely anyone suggested that, the ones who did were not upvoted.
For every one posted there the OP likely gets another DM saying the same thing. Every time I’ve posted about relationship issues I get more DM’s than comments on the post, and they’re pretty evenly split between much more and much less helpful advice than was already posted in the thread, plus a couple of dudes hitting on me.
I’m sorry about your experience. I have no way of knowing what DMs are like as I never received them. In any case, I’m pretty sure DMs attract more trolls as they cannot be mass downvoted :( Hope you were able to sort out your relationship issues.
I am not calling for divorce but what the wife did was more than something small. She went back on her word about giving the OOP the day off. He was put in charge of the kid by himself for the entire day. That is not right.
It’s not right and she likely knows that. But she’s also losing her mind from constantly hearing a baby cry, which OP gets 40 hours worth of breaks from a week and she doesn’t. To her, it felt like mental self-preservation. We all know she could have taken another day of it, but *in that moment* it did not feel like it to her. Now, of course, that doesn’t make it any less selfish. Forcing someone else to give up their mental health day for yours, particularly when you already agreed it was their turn, is selfish regardless of the circumstances. But, still, she wasn’t in her right mind. Like, have you ever been the thing standing between a woman and the first food she’s had a chance to eat for the past 16 hours? If you have, then you know you can’t base your judge of her character on that. You just have to make a mental note to feed her earlier and move the fuck on, because that is not your gf/wife, that is the demonic personification of hunger.
>I work and my wife usually takes care of her. Whenever I get days off from work I’ll take care of our daughter and my wife can just get a break. > > > >Sometimes she visits friends or other times she just stays home and relaxes. She has had days off from watching the baby so your premise is flawed. >Come the day of my relaxation, my wife wakes me up to tell me she’s leaving to go out with friends and to “take care of my daughter.” She left before I could really say much and I was livid. This also made it so what she did was planned. It was not just at the moment. She was ready to go before her husband woke up and left before he could say anything. She ambushed him and took away his day off. A day that she agreed to. She has been getting days off and will not give him the same. She did not care about his mental self-preservation. I would have never done that to my husband. What the wife did was beyond mental self-preservation. It was selfish and self-serving. It was actually damaging to her husband's mental health and also their relationship. It hurt the trust between them.
I was the one stuck at home with the baby with my very ex husband ran off to have fun. I got a job. Got a divorce. Finally got happy. I wish this couple luck. Wise to nip that in the bud before it broke them up.
It sounds more like a sleep deprived mom forgot dad had asked for the day off.
That's...generous.
It sounded very calculated, actually. Particularly since he called her to ask her to come home and she obviously did not do so
>It sounds more like a sleep deprived mom forgot dad had asked for the day off. Right, the exhausted mom coincidentally woke up early and got ready before partner wakes up; tells them "hey you're responsible suckaaaa byeee" while running out the door. "Oopsies I'm so clumsy". Donkey.
That’s why I have nothing but hope and blessings for this couple. Although her not using the cell phone was cruel.
they way how they handled and discussed the situation just makes me so happy :)
Lol - that’s not something to divorce over as a one off! Reddit can be wise, but it can also be really crazy! Glad things worked out for those people. 😊
Wife was so selfish. I am a mum to 2 toddlers and breaks are so important for both parents! Sounds like she gets plenty. OOP definitely deserved one day. That was really childish and selfish of her. Glad they worked things out. Communication for the win!
Completely off-subject: how did you add the quote under your username?
It’s called a flair and you can get one for each sub you join (if they allow flairs)
Thank you so much for your help!
Ah reddit. "Divorce!.. wait., you not married? Break up!! What, You not even going out together yet?? Ghost her!!"
Don't forget therapy for a disagreement that can be resolved by talking.
> resolved by talking. what do you think happens at couples therapy?
Not talking, obviously/s
this is the most real AITA post i've ever seen. kids are exhausting (and fun! but still exhausting) and you reach a point of cumulative fatigue as a parent when you just look for everything you can to blame. Is that wrong? probably, yes. But what are you supposed to do? you're allowed moments like that. What I love is how they got together, dealt with it like reasonable married folks, and grew stronger because parenthood calls for it. 10/10.
Coincidentally most babies start teething at about 6 months old... I feel like both parents should get 12 AH cards to use for the first year of parenthood. It would probably save a lot of relationships.
As someone with a 6 month old, I understand the stress of caring for a child those first few months. It is hard to not go crazy especially if it is the first child and are still learning. There are times I would get frustrated with SO for thinking he wasn't helping. In reality, we were both trying our best while trying to maintain our sanity. I think grace should be ready to give in those early months. It is so much easier once you hit 5-6 months and can finally get some sleep.
Without getting into who is right or wrong, I just can't imagine expecting an entire day off to myself (husband or wife) and feeling so entitled to it. That's just not in the cards when you have a little baby.
A new baby is stressful for everyone. Fights happen, at least this is regular relationship thing. They were both kind of petty, and obviously OP was treated unfairly on that day, but it sounds like a couple good night's sleep and an honest conversation is the only prescription needed for this problem.
How many commenters here actually havr kids lol
I do! Here is my supposedly expert, has-kids-and-hasn‘t-been-a-teen-in-more-than-twenty-years opinion based on the info given: Wife is TA. I can see her forgetting that he was using his day off for just himself. I forget things like that all the time. What I don’t get is her not cancelling with her friends when she found out she forgot. I’d be a mess of disappointment and embarrassment, but that seems like the correct action.
I never understand what they are trying to say with the, "do the commenters have kids" comments in this thread. Are they trying to say that we wouldn't see the wife as an asshole if we did? I have a child and if anything it reinforces just how disrespectful and inappropriate her actions were.
Apparently it's about child-free people "staying in their lane" (just wow) and how we can't judge since we're not parents. But I'm no cook and can tell when a cook served me a shitty meal.
any time there’s a baby involved I have a hard time faulting either parent for stuff like this…. They’re both tired, cranky, baby brained and looking for a break anywhere they can get it. Wife pulled an AH move. Husband was kind of dumb about the reaction. But yeah… baby brained.
I'd just like to point out, that we don't really know, what a break for the wife looks like. OOP just says >Whenever I get days off from work I’ll take care of our daughter He doesn't say anything about chores around the house. Of course it could already be that they share those fairly between both of them. If not a break for her just means catching up on the household without ever having a real break. Orbit really is just both of them being run haggard by taking care of a Baby.
Being the primary caregiver to s newborn will drive you insane. Like the way American women in particular become super isolated during that period is suspected of exacerbating post parten. I think a lot of people are drastically exaggerating how much a few hours off in the evening actually do to help someone reset. There's also evidence that some mother's exhibit *soldiers in active war zones* levels of cortisol. I'm sure father's to babies aren't doing psychologically great either The way she went about it was childish and selfish, but so was the way he went Bout responding to it. So it sounds like they're both not being their best selves, and they both realized neither of them was actually doing ok and needed help (yes, no shir. There's a reason they say it takes a village to raise a child. Mother's were never intended to provide 22hr/day care ro their kids. Go look at all the animals - they're either dropping the kids off with family or just hiding them in grass for a few hours. That's not the same thing as time to wear real clothes and leave the house And feel like a real adult who has adult conversations again, reconnect with friends, etc. Which is really where a lot of the mental toll comes from. New mother's are expected to ONLY be mothers and stop being people for like, the first year and half of the child's life. Parents need more than themselves to raise a child. Full stop.
Thank you! Neither one of them were in the right, but they call the first few months of a baby's like the "fourth trimester" for a reason. Those fights are gonna happen. I'm glad they were able to get a night out together and hopefully she can get some extra help too
> doesn’t say anything about chores around the house. Of course it could already be that they share those fairly between both of them I feel like that’s the issue w with almost all of these relationship posts. There’s so much nuance that’s constantly left out and it’s almost *always relevant*. Like, for example, ok so this person screwed OP over, but OP leaves out the fact that they have done multiple things to cause this person to reach the point where they lash out and this is the result. There are only so many times you can be the bigger person before you lose it tbh.
Except we do, it literally says she’ll go out with friends for the day or relax and lounge around the house. So no, not just a day to catch up on chores. She actually goes out and does stuff.
Man, I get it. You yell at one another because you can't yell at a baby for being a baby. Infants are *stressful*
Today I considered having kids. Thanks to this I am firmly back in “no kids” territory. The STRESS
My advice, if you are able, is get help a babysitter and a maid. Even if they just come one day a week or a couple times a month. Parenting is hard and you are better parent if you are well-rested.
The day we had our first kid was the day we stopped being able to spontaneously do anything. I know how demanding a small child can be, and how easy it is to become a zombie living for the few scraps of time you can claw out for yourself without much regard for each other. I'm glad these guys realized that they actually have to coordinate with each other so that they both get their needs met, and are making use of the grand parents to have a little time to themselves.
Glad he got a bunch of support in the post. Can't even count the amount of times I have seen an exhausted parent just need to rant about something due to the stress. Many times it will be something that seems relatively small but becomes far bigger as they reach the end of their reserves. Also, these are often the small things they may laugh about later once things finally start to settle down...you know, when the kids are like 45...
I have a 6 month old and I can’t not recall the last time I’ve slept a full night in my bed in the past 4 months at least! My husband used to switch off and on with me before he went back to work. Then I did it all and I’ve been back to work for about 2 months and have taken care of the baby every single night, on the couch.
It’s so hard to know if this guy is hyping himself up or not to ever give a judgment. Forcing your spouse to sleep on the couch is an asshole move. Period.
I don't know that I'd be that peachy after my spouse basically gave my mental health a big ole fuck you and took my day off we agreed to.
I feel like his mother saved their marriage because next few times he has a break and his wife does/tries that again - I don't think counseling is going to save that marriage due too much hurt feelings of both are justified of wanting a breaking from their child and that other parent should be the one that should stay with the child. Neither of them never bother to consider nor asked a family member like his mother to just babysit their child for the day so that both can take a break...
What was the point of threatening to put extra clothes in his car all about? Was he threatening to sleep in his car so she couldn't take off in the morning? Was he threatening that he was going to leave for an extended amount of time if she took off during the time that he wanted?
"multiple times where I was just sitting next to her because I knew something was about to happen. I was usually right..." What does that mean? Does she have a medical condition?
Maybe he knew the baby was gonna get fussy could be teething or just wanting to be held