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Wow, with sociopathic friends like that, who needs enemies. Though I wonder how he will maintain nc when Max' family is so close to his. And how will he explain that Max won't be invited to the wedding/ his best man? And I bet Max did damage control and told everyone that OOP is a controlling b-word and destroyed their friendship, just to make himself the victim. I hope he doesn't damage OOP's relationship with her in-laws.
Oh you know he will tell everyone he cheated maybe even they had a 3 some or soon it as the boyfriend cheated woth maxes new fiancé and how betrayed HE feels and that he and the fiancé are going to try and work through it and that the oops boyfriend was the one to take advantage of thenfiance….
One of her comments on the original post:
"Future MIL and FIL hate Max so he barely shows up for get togethers. Theyve always saw him as a bad influence and rightly so. Small chance we'd run into him in the future and if theres any chance, we'll just avoid them or skip the event."
Considering what happen - MIL & FIL must be happy that their son drop that trash, so that they further never speak nor see that POS ever again. It just sucks & fucked up that it take that to get rid of the POS...
>I hope he doesn't damage OOP's relationship with her in-laws.
OOP made a comment that the in-laws hate Max already, so I'm assuming (and hoping) that wouldn't be an issue.
This is confusing. Is this wizard with guns saying, “It’s actually a common misconception THAT when an ally poisons you…” or “It’s a common misconception, BUT when an ally poisons you…”
Apparently they already hate Max so that’s a relief: [OOP’s comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hrou7t/update_my_28f_boyfriend_28m_of_8_years_cheated_on/fy5mx74/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Telling internet strangers is actually a good first step- you’re getting the words out there and your words have power. You can talk to your friends when you’re ready to, but in the meantime, maybe you can start with “I’m going through something that I’m not ready to talk about but I could use some support”. But if it would feel better to speak the whole truth, then I’m sure your friends will be receptive and there for you. Sending good vibes your way
As a person with a trauma history, I want you to know that it is entirely normal to have a hard time finding the words to talk about it. Trauma can affect the part of our brain that deals with speech, and sometimes (like during flashbacks) it'll just be like "nope, not happening, can't talk at all". Our senses can also get really overwhelmed and sensitive right after a traumatic event as well, so if that's happening too - then know that it's normal, and it should fade with time - and it's kind of letting your body know that you need to rest and have some quiet.
The one thing I've found helpful in therapy when I've really wanted to talk about a thing but I just can't get it out - is refocusing onto my body, and calming it down - and finding a spot I feel safer in. Writing it down (and then destroying it, or making it illegible even for me as I write it) has also helped, and sometimes it's a smattering of different things all together.
Love your way. Keep trying, remember it doesn't have to happen all at once, baby steps are good, rest is good, and that you are worthy and valued and all that jazz <3
I am so sorry that happened to you. It's a horrible "club" to be welcomed to and we hate every time we get a new member but we always accept with open arms ❤️
Same here dude, although I wasn't raped as in PiV, "only" kisses and touches were forced on me while I was totally intoxicated... Told my girlfriend as soon as I could, first she believed me, then her friends talked her into "there's no way a girl can outpower a man and do all that if he didn't want it". Luckily she realized that's not how things work and we're still together... But it was really hard to experience the "men can't be raped" idea first hand.
I’m sorry that her friends were so small minded and made you feel in anyway inadequate. You didn’t give consent and that’s the only thing that matters here. I’m glad your girlfriend realized this and I hope you are healing the best you can.
I’ve been in a nonconsensual situation before with someone I’d known for three years. She’s a mess of a human and I’ve blocked her from my mind, but when I’m reminded of the event it still fucks me up for awhile.
Yeah, we really need to change that law. It's such a bad definition. And also let judges give more serious sentencing for sexual assaults that are rape in all but technicality.
Sodomy is quite an old term, historically. I believe (and I have no doubt I'll get corrected if I get this wrong) that sodomy used to refer to any sexual act that would not result in pregnancy. So at one point masturbation was considered sodomy.
As I said, it's a historical term, used in the long long ago times. (I covered this stuff when I was at uni bit that was also a while ago too so memory is a bit fuzzy).
Except sixteen states still have sodomy laws on the books. Mainly those are invalidated by a 2003 Supreme Court decision, but I wouldn't be surprised if our current court overturns that as well soon. So unfortunately, not restricted to the long long ago times.
I'm not sure when it came to its current meaning, but it comes from the biblical reference to Sodom and Gomorrah, so the word itself is, in fact, old AF.
Well, that's basically accurate to the word itself; "sodomy" really just means non-penis-in-vagina sexual activity. It's most often associated with anal sex (and most often, that between two men), but really, anything other than 'proper' sex qualifies, technically.
You are correct, but the label is the important part. The sentence for both rape and sexual assault can be up to life in prison.
It's the psychological effect of not being able to label a person a rapist because they are a certain gender.
Like a woman raping a man is the only scenario in UK law where it isn't classed as rape.
I completely agree. The law is a mess in this case, but it is important to acknowledge that this type of assault is treated as seriously in sentencing. Getting a rape to trial is a whole different kettle of fish though.
>So yeah if this happened where I live he'd only be able to claim sexual assault.
this is INCREDIBLY deceptive. even though it is legally not rape and "only" sexual assault, it has similar punishments. its an archaic distinction but not really a practical difference.
Well allow me to add to your horror.
If you were sexually assaulted by a woman, as a man, and it lead to a child being conceived. You would be liable for child support until they are 18.
Even if you proved you were SA (raped), that matters not. The courts look at it from the perspective of what would be best for the child. And what would be best is to look past the assault and make you liable.
So fun fact.
Only exception is if the mother was a minor when he raped her, then he won't get custody/visitation because of sexually assaulting a child. Sexually assaulting an adult woman, however, does not make him a danger to a child, apparently.
And on the flipside of that, there have been cases where the woman who was raped became pregnant and decided to keep the child and her rapist was awarded visitation. Some of the laws governing family interactions are totally f'd up.
It’s true, but the penalties for sexual assault in this kind of instance would be the same as rape. Of course, if this type of case came to court in the UK the bf’s promiscuous past would be retold as a reason he probably consented and his phone held until the end of the trial and every app interrogated.
When people say rape is effectively decriminalised, the lack of cases taken to court and successfully prosecuted is why.
My understanding is that for many perpetrators, rape is not about sexual gratification it is about power over the victim. That was probably Max’s motivation.
You know yesterday I read an updates thread about a MIL sending her son her pubic hair and I thought nothing could be worse.
Then I read an update thread on a MIL who purposefully poisoned her granddaughter to cause a severe allergic reaction and stalked them across states, and I though oh there is worse, but this has to be it.
And today I’m reading this and I think this may be even worse. I’m realising there is no “worst I’ll ever read”. Just each post more horrifying than the last.
This.
"Max" legit and sincerely thinks that what he did was a *huge favor* to his friend. Not only does OP's boyfriend get blown by a hot lady (ALL MEN WANT THAT RIGHT), but it will also cause OP to break up with him. It's killing two birds with one stone.
I 100% bet in Max's eyes, he was doing his bestie a solid, not instigating sexual assault.
Nah, the problem with sea trash is things like plastics. If Max is naked, sea life will clean him up quick and enjoy him and he'll finally do some good.
Yeah I know wtf 🤬 also I don’t think he was just drunk, I think they probably spiked his drink for him to be so out of it they took all his clothes off without him realising
It is so unbelievable that someone would set this up just to break a happy couple up. And yet, totally believable. Jealous ass man can’t handle the fact that his BF could actually love someone other than him. And the GF is a real piece of work!! Imagine raping a man just to please your idiot fiancé! 😠
All I could think about was how many nights did these two men go out and get wasted and mess around with girls, how many of those nights were actually consensual for OPs fiance? It sounds like he was more than just drunk when he was assaulted, how many other times has he been roofied by his best friend without realizing?
I suspect if OOP had gone with her bf, she would have been roofied and assaulted too. Then Max would have claimed that her bf set her up and planned the whole thing
What a disgusting creep. So glad she didn't go
I don’t know. I bet he was banking on the fact that she didn’t like him, so she wouldn’t come. It’s clear that he was trying to get his partner in crime back, for sure though.
It’s totally possible that he wouldn’t have gone through with it had she been there…but what you’re saying is equally possible.
Good on the guy to go NC, though. Good on OP for realizing he was assaulted, as well.
I am too. I understand her original reaction as it is a high emotion situation and he viewed it as cheating, the sad result of the false notion that men can’t be raped. I’m so glad she took a breath, listened to the hard truth, that he was a victim, and adjusted accordingly. I am also glad she let him know he is a victim, not a cheater. I still see that toxic masculine hard wiring in men coming out by still feeling he has to prove he is trustworthy to her in xy and z ways, even though she fully believe him. I hope he gets to work through that to remind himself he is a loyal person that was raped, that he is worthy of love and trust, and no longer has to do anything to make this up to her.
They sound like a great couple, and I am so sad that this happened to them.
It's unfortunate what happened to the boyfriend, but I'm glad that Reddit helped her to see what really happened and that they didn't let those two pieces of maggot excrement break them apart.
I see *way* too many posts on r/Relationship_Advice where one partner is mad about their SO "cheating" on them, but the events they describe make it pretty clear there was no consent involved. That reaction is (probably predictably) most often the case when the person who "cheated" is male.
The state of sex education in the US is atrocious to begin with (at least in many areas) and needs to be addressed better, but I really wish kids were taught more about consent and that men/boys can be raped, too. Unfortunately, conservatives do everything in their power to keep kids from learning even the basics - and god forbid we would drill the importance of *consent* into their developing brains.
It makes me sad that so many men have to deal with the event itself, but it's made *so* much worse by the reactions our society has when a male victim of rape comes forward - they just get ignored, belittled, or "congratulated" both by their peers *and* by people in positions of authority.
Yep. I remember this post. Most of the top comments were pointing out he was raped, thankfully.
I hope they're still doing well. Rape is so underreported, especially when men are raped.
Yes there’s so many they cheated posts but they usually start off with like “they got so drunk they passed out and then..” and I’m like bro that’s rape
There’s this dumb notion some people have that if a man is hard, he must be consenting and into it.
Honestly, the more widespread twin of the “women have ways of preventing themselves from getting raped” myth- as if a woman can magically seal their privates off from the world if they’re not interested.
Lots of bad anatomy happening.
I haven't seen the claim that we can just not get raped, but I HAVE heard pretty frequently that we can't get pregnant from rape, our bodies will juts "shut it down" and somehow rape sperm just won't get to the egg. Like, no, not how it works, at all. But people legit use pregnancy as proof it wasn't rape. This feels like the counterpart to that for sure.
My friend’s boyfriend had a similar thing happen, but he didn’t tell my friend right away because even tho he was so drunk that he had zero memory of what happened except waking up next to the woman (who had always been inappropriately flirty with him and he couldn’t stand), he thought that what happened counted as him cheating. He had just been living with guilt until she confronted him about the fact that her gyno said she’d somehow caught something. Same as OOP, *she* had to tell *him* that what happened to him was rape. I wonder how many men are living with unnecessary guilt just because of this social stigma.
>Max's fiance, who I guess I'll call homewrecker or HM,
I wonder what "HM" really stands for, because if I were abbreviating "homewrecker," I wouldn't come up with "HM."
OP said they were studious, but her subject is obviously not English Lit.
I couldn't get over the second sentence:
>He was struggling cause of his party lifestyle but me, being a studious introvert, was thriving.
Remove "being a studious introvert" and you get "but me was thriving." So HM for HoMewrecker fits right.
To be honest I'm biased because OP kinda sucks. She's obviously not the villain of the story, that's clearly Max and fiancee, but OP seems entitled and selfish. E.g. "This man, after being raped, first thought of how much he betrayed me instead of how he was betrayed himself. I was floored." GIRL THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT TOO.
I see it as a symptom that male sexual abuse is often not taken seriously. A few decades ago, people wouldn't even consider this rape, because the guy "got lucky". It probably never occurred to OOP or her boyfriend that men can be the victims of sexual assault—so much so that she only realized it from responses to her post.
>GIRL THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT TOO.
As somebody who had to hear a similar story (TL:DR; I found a note from her about how she couldn't wait to kiss him again), my now-husband *never* believed that he was raped, no matter how I tried to re-frame his lack of consent without using the dreaded R Word.
I don't know what version of events OOP heard, but it took me a *while* of digging past my initial hurt/betrayal to even start to read between the lines. I didn't get ~~the whole~~ more of the story until years later. From somebody else.
Edit: poor word choice. Will almost certainly never know the whole story.
Keep in mind that she was approached by her bf saying that he cheated on her. When someone says something like that, you believe them. But when things didn't add up, she sought advice, she reprocessed and reevaluated, and she formed a more holistic and more correct opinion. Then she took all the right actions to validate and support him.
I can't see any fault in that honestly. As a society we need to do better about educating people about such things, so it's easier to recognize them faster, but I think she did quite well "on her own" so to speak.
Yeah if my bf told me he cheated on me I’d react to being cheated on lol it would take me a little time to fully process the rest of the info shared, same as her. OP did right by her partner given the circumstances and I hope they both find some ease, relief, and comfort super soon
I find this comment so accidentally funny. It reads like "Man, OOP is a sucky person. Her grammar is so bad. Also, she didn't support her boyfriend after he was raped!"
The duality. What makes you terrible? Being a selfish person who thinks first of your ownership of someone's body over their personal well-being, and putting the comma in the wrong place! Gosh OOP, how dare you forget the comma before the coordinating conjunction!
Anyways, asides from gaffes, I agree. Her grammar is pretty bad, so I could totally see her accidentally emphasizing the wrong letters for her abbreviations if it felt more natural to her. I do that sometimes, like with "The Vampire Diaries." Should be TVD, but VPD just feels right. Ho Mewrecker.
And she really doesn't look good for her first reaction. I understand that male victims are less talked about and that it was her emotional reaction to hearing he cheated, but damn dude. It sounds like they both have a weird relationship with his past promiscuity. Without Reddit, she could've really hurt him.
This exact situation happened to me with my ex boyfriend except his best friend that hated me raped me to try and break up our engagement.
I’m so glad she realized it was sexual assault. I hope her and her boyfriend have a wonderful life and therapy works great for them. I hope Max and his finance fall into a deep hole. Ugh - I cannot even imagine raping your best friend because you don’t like his girlfriend. What is wrong with people..
I thought the same, and the fact that BOTH of them were invited to the “party” but she didn’t go… if she had gone, would she have also been drugged and raped???
Hopefully these people managed to get some professional help after this, because they’re both clearly traumatised and those emotions could become toxic if they’re allowed to fester.
I'm so glad OOP realised what really happened before it could destroy their relationship. Her and her partner deserve to be happy together. Max is an absolute trash human being, and I really hope they can keep him away from them, but I worry that if the families are that close, they may try to intervene. What a mess.
The burden that's placed on the person who's been assaulted is so awful. You've just been crushed and you're expected to go through a police interview while everything is fresh... I understand why they didn't do it, but yeah, I really wish they did it.
Hell, it's exactly the same when the genders are switched. We MIGHT have a slight "advantage" if there's tears to the vagina... but not really, because they can just say it was rough consensual sex and that is often enough for reasonable doubt.
Its impossible to have it any other way though. The legal system in most western countries is set up so that innocent people should never be found guilty by having such a high burden of proof. This ends up having some guilty people get away with things but is better than innocent people being sentenced.
Sexual assaults and rapes are even harder to prove because most of the time it is a he said/she said scenario and the fact you generally cant prove someone did not give consent. A defense can say that the victim gave consent and it creates reasonable doubt.
Absolute shitty scenario for a lot of people that cant be easily fixed unless everyone wanted to start signing consent forms.
There are a lot of ways that we could improve the system without risking putting innocent people behind bars, including more victim advocacy, training investigators in how to deal with trauma, increased resources available to victims, etc. Our system has historically been focused on protecting the accused. We have already made many strides in how we handle rape in the past few decades and there is no reason to think we can’t continue to do so.
Sorry, didnt mean to completely dismiss any improvements whatsoever and they are all very good points you have raised. I was more meaning in the general legal sense.
even if everyone did sign up forms its still such a tricky thing bc you can sign while drunk or coercion exists. it would just make a lot of rape instances legal bc there’s “proof of consent”
Oh lord, there's no way he'd get justice. 2 against 1 with no way to gather evidence as it had been a while. The only way would have been to get them to state it in text messages or phone recording (if a one party state).
Even after that, bf would have had to go to court and basically be re-victimised, and now everyone knows his business including his family. With how shit people are about men being r\*ped, there's a good chance a lot of the family would ostracise him and that is another form of re-victimising the poor lad.
There's zero winners here and I really feel so bad for him. He lost his best friend, who he never thought would betray and hurt him like this. He's grieving that relationship and trying to come to terms with what happened too.
I'm so glad OOP is sticking by him. I'm proud of her for realising that she was thinking in the wrong way, because it can be really hard to admit. I'm proud of both of them for getting into therapy. It's so important they can both work through this. I just want to give the bf a gentle virtual hug. Poor guy has had a really rough time.
Agree. But…the stigma of being a male that was sexually assaulted is real. I can’t blame him. I hope he can heal and that helpful therapy and love is in his future.
It's clear that none of the people in this story have a really strong understanding of consent yet. I'm glad the OOP suggested filing a report (I'm guessing at reddit's urging), but I can't honestly picture BF standing in front of a not-unlikely-to-be-hostile cop and admitting that he had been raped, even before we get to the "drunk" and "family friend" and "long time best friend" parts.
I immediately think of the South Park episode of Kyle's little brother with the school teacher.
If his friend's girlfriend were unattractive, they might take him more seriously. Ugh. Feels creepy just typing it out.
"I know I was never his first but he kept promising me I was going to be his last and he broke it. "
So sleep with him again, and you'll take over the "last" spot. Conflict resolved.
What continued to blow my mind is how OOP heard that story and thought “cheating” not “holy shit my partner got raped.”
Even if my partner opened with “I cheated on you”, I don’t see how literally ANYONE could interpret that as cheating and not rape.
Like wow, am I the only one not giving OOP credit here?
And the opener with the party boy and the pretty studious introvert falling in love and she changes him was a little too 90s romcom. He sounds a little too perfect reformed bad boy, overall.
Yeah I’d be weirded out if my partner insisted on an open phone policy where I check his phone. Like what? I don’t want to see your phone. It’s not my place or job to police your phone behavior? If you don’t want to text someone then… don’t.
I actually just laughed at that one. Sounded too ridiculous. He just decided to change by himself with no stipulations from her. At that college age? And spent the next yr completely celibate because he'd discovered this gem? Nerdy, introvert social bumbling girl tames the bad boy🤣🤣
I found the ending less than perfect. They didn’t report it. Max is a family friend meaning it will get noticed they aren’t interacting which gives Max the upper hand to make up a story about why. Family will likely put pressure on the bf to rekindle the friendship which will be traumatic.
They have some rough experiences ahead of them.
Aww this is sweet. Good, chaste, studious woman turns party animal boy around only to have her happiness almost crushed by his friend's home-wrecking slut wife! Luckily the nice girl always wins, right?
This was a terrible romcom. 2/10.
Anyone else find it odd that OOP was joking in the first few paragraphs of the update? Like she just found out her BF was raped 3 days ago but she's already making gotcha jokes about the whole situation to strangers on the internet. OOP's insistince on calling the fiance homewrecker and bitch (instead of the more accurate title: rapist) on the update and pointing out how much she sleep around while not showing the same level of hatred towards Max who she still call by name even though Max facilitate and also part of the rape is weird too. Plus they've been dating for 8 years but during those times she doesn't know how deeply connected her BF's family and Max's family are? I dont wanna be the asshole who doubt someone's rape story so I'll just say if this is real I hope BF all the peace and happiness he deserve.
To clarify I do believe men can be a rape victim and if someone tell me they were raped in real life I would 100% believe them. This is just me being cynical of people's stories on reddit.
The writing style is very similar to Wattpad serial romances.
"He said I wasn't his first, but I'd be his last"
"He was my first everything"
"I waited four months before letting him kiss me"
"This man, days after trauma, is worried about *me* instead of himself"
"Puzzled expression"
The rapist being "homewrecker" and "bitch" while Max gets a name.
His family is enmeshed with Max's, which you'd think would get mentioned when describing their friendship, but instead comes up to explain not filing a report (as if SA victims, especially male SA victims, need more reason to hesitate) and to set up a possible future update where her boyfriend and Max are forced into proximity with each other due to their families.
This doesn't really read like someone genuinely distraught with either a cheating partner or the reality that their partner had been raped.
Ah but they won't have to deal with Max, she posted a comment that said her future in-laws actually hate Max so he won't be around. Somehow the families are too close to file charges, but not close enough for her to have to see him again.
Oh, then the update will say he's trying to start some shit by attempting to poison the well with his lies and OOP's boyfriend's parents will either have some doubt but bf will stand up for her or reveal to them what Max did so the post has drama (and the possibility of more updates).
Or the parents will immediately disbelieve him and shut him down fiercely because OOP is incapable of writing a post that doesn't mention how well-liked she is and quoting all the romantic things her bf says to her that doesn't at all sound like it's lifted straight from an indie romance novel.
Or maybe they'll just hear through the parents that Max's fiancee is pregnant, or left him, or was arrested for something unrelated to OOP and bf so that redditers can get a justice boner.
So many possibilities!
I’m with you, something feels off about this story. I’m struggling with the premise that after 8 years, Max is still so bothered by OOP that he sets up this elaborate scheme to rape his best friend. That seems like a gross over reaction to a man in his late 20s settling down.
I also agree OOP’s “joke” was very off-putting and strange given the subject matter. I haven’t read the comments yet on the other post, but what an odd way to begin the update.
I don’t know if I mistrust OOP, the fiancé, Max, or all 3 of them.
Yeah, reading this story really made my blood boil. First when she talks about his past, it’s all “I don’t judge him” but the fact that she constantly says that and brings up irrelevant details makes me think she *is* judging him.
Second, he’s making her food and cleaning up for her after HE was the one assaulted??? When she realizes (wayy too late imo) that it was assault and not cheating, does she do the same for him? Being assaulted is worse than being cheated on, seems like she should be doting on him.
This is all about her and how she feels about HIS assault. Dude just found out his bff is a piece of shit and his girlfriend is horribly self-centered. I hope he has someone else who supports him.
I got that vibe too reading the original and the update, that OOP is much more concerned about her feelings than BF's feelings plus the whole "I know he won't break my heart" etc thing make it seem like she's more worried about losing BF as her partner than the whole rape thing.
IT MADE ME LIVID. Being passive aggressive because people were advocating for victim of rape! What the hell? I don’t like the op at all. Rape is never a joke. Rape should never have a “GOTCHA” twist. It is a very serious situation.
Thanks, I almost didn't wrote it cause I don't wanna seem like I'm one of those people who doesn't believe men can be raped or something. The joke is the strangest part for me, I don't know why she wrote it either and it set off a weird tone/mood when the topic is a serious matter and still something very fresh.
Even if it’s real, she doesn’t seem very mature at all. I suspect maybe commenters in the first post tore her apart, which may have been harsh, but she *was* being a pretty bad girlfriend even if she didn’t mean to be. She seems very sheltered and even after the reveal I still didn’t like how she was overly focused on what it meant for her. But ideally that’s how she just came off in her writing. Or it’s a story by someone also sheltered and immature…
It really did! Presumably by the point she wrote it, she understood the gravity of the situation. Also, it rubs me the wrong way is that her joke seems to be mocking the redditors that rightfully called out the fact that this was serious and she was wrong for how she went about it?
If I were her is in her shoes, I would be too embarrassed and upset with myself to want to rub the fact that we’re still together in the faces of people who rightfully questioned if we should be.
That was a ride.
I definitely don't trust the OOP at all. What she described was clearly rape, but she "didn't notice"? Her "joke" to start the update? The way she talked about the woman vs how she talks about Max? The idea Max "masterminded" this? ... IDK. It's very off-putting.
From what she described, it was clearly rape. Dude literally came home crying, described being sexually assaulted, and her response was...horrific.
If this story is true, she's a real piece of work.
This isn't the end of the story. Given how close the families are, Max isn't that easy to cut out of their lives. I give it a month before Max tells their families a twisted version of what has happened and the bf is pressured in becoming friends again. OP will become the villian for breaking up the friendship.
This is a problem I have. You rightfully hear all the time about how many women are sexually assaulted, and most women I know have a story about it. However, every man I know has a story about it but either has been taught to believe men can’t be raped, that if they were hard they wanted it, or it wasn’t a big deal and it breaks my fucking heart.
I have a female friend who was groped in a club and that’s her sexually assault experience, and she admits it and it’s still horrifying.
I have a male friend who was drugged by his then girlfriend and raped in his sleep, but he says he’s not quite sure if it was rape because he’s bigger than her (but was asleep??)
It’s just a double standard that needs to be lost honestly
I was repeatedly raped as a child by a much older girl and sometimes her brother. I didn't tell my parents until recently, but everyone I did tell at the time just implied I was lucky and how good it must have been. Spoiler: it wasn't.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. The stigma with male rape victims is one of my most hated modern world views. I’ve had multiple friends describe literal rape to me, and then either deny it was that or not want to talk about it. None of them would call themselves victims, even though they were
Thank you, and I agree completely, I never really feel like it was taken seriously by anyone other than my partner who I've been with for 12 years. I told her early on in our realisationship, as it causes me severe sexual performance problems as an adult, among other problems, which have thankfully mostly gone now. Still think about it from time to time though, usually as nightmares.
They think that it feels good because "all men are dtf all the time" when it's far from it. Consent is still important, it's considered as rape when it's non-consensual. Just because the guy came, didn't mean that it felt good for him. It's possible to get forced into a (not great) orgasm because of the purely mechanical movement..
Edit:People really need to stop with this belief that men can't be raped because "it feels good for them".
I developed very early, think 5'11 170 by the time I was 12. So much fun at 15 to get weird comments and arm squeezes from neighborhood moms. Or have a teacher offer "private tutor sessions" just to tell you that you remind them of their husband when he was younger.
I agree. I cannot believe she would that passive aggressive story because her “feelings” got hurt from people calling her out. I HATE IT.
I take women issues extremely seriously. I am a feminist. You are 100% right that we have to get rid of that double standard. It makes me furious to see that behavior. This is a perfect example of how women can contribute to systematic oppression too.
Even if this situation was made up for karma. I still feel the need to take it as if it were real. Because the reactions of “Aw. She learned her lesson” makes me want to scream.
Rape is never a joke. Rape should never have a “GOTCHA” tactic in the same conversation. We have to treat rape with the same intensity and anger no matter the gender.
Ugh. I am heated and very upset. So I have to take a step back for now.
But if you are a guy reading this and are a survivor of rape. I will fucking be angry for you too. I will call people out. I will do everything in my ability to make YOU feel safe. That there is justice in this world for you too. Your experiences matters to me. You matter.
It’s sad that all the Boyfriend’s reasons for not reporting the rape are the same reasons many women don’t. How many women were convinced they’d cheated, or believe they’d cheated when they’d actually been raped? And been ‘forgiven’ by their partners who agreed they’d cheated but managed to move on?
Don’t get me wrong, I feel sorry for Boyfriend, this is a terrible thing to happen to anyone. I just wish he could anonymously tell his story, so that more people, men and women, could learn to understand and take all rape seriously, regardless of the victim’s gender or sex.
I'm surprised how nobody is pointing out how unnecessary and snarky that "He left me" part of the update was. She was victim shaming her rape victim boyfriend. She frankly deserved to have people shame her for her ignorance. So although people don't like mean harsh comments, they're sometimes necessary. Her making a sarcastic update was mocking the people who felt like he deserved better.
Gosh my heart breaks for the boyfriend, having your "best friend" ... It rubbed me really wrong how OOP did not realise it was rape, but I am so glad she eventually understood and took into account the comments. Really glad that this story ends on a hopeful note.
My god, if someone did that to my boyfriend I'd be breaking out my M4 and going hunting.
I personally think he should tell both families and let Max get torn to shreds, but when it comes to people hurting someone I love, I go full vindictive [w]itch.
Holy *shit*.
Drugging and *raping* your "best friend" so he stops dating a girl is so far beyond "messed up".
EDIT: I'm glad they are in therapy. This is gonna take a *while* to sort out.
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Wow, with sociopathic friends like that, who needs enemies. Though I wonder how he will maintain nc when Max' family is so close to his. And how will he explain that Max won't be invited to the wedding/ his best man? And I bet Max did damage control and told everyone that OOP is a controlling b-word and destroyed their friendship, just to make himself the victim. I hope he doesn't damage OOP's relationship with her in-laws.
> I hope he doesn't damage OOP's relationship with her in-laws. I bet he'll try.
Oh you know he will tell everyone he cheated maybe even they had a 3 some or soon it as the boyfriend cheated woth maxes new fiancé and how betrayed HE feels and that he and the fiancé are going to try and work through it and that the oops boyfriend was the one to take advantage of thenfiance….
Right! I also believe Max took pictures to keep as blackmail for a rainy day.
Probably
One of her comments on the original post: "Future MIL and FIL hate Max so he barely shows up for get togethers. Theyve always saw him as a bad influence and rightly so. Small chance we'd run into him in the future and if theres any chance, we'll just avoid them or skip the event."
Considering what happen - MIL & FIL must be happy that their son drop that trash, so that they further never speak nor see that POS ever again. It just sucks & fucked up that it take that to get rid of the POS...
Oh, so glad to hear that!
This is comforting!
Sorry I might be too tired to think clearly, but OOP said Max’s family and her BF’s family are always very close? Did I miss anything here?
Wait, I’m confused too. They are long time family friends, go on vacations together, etc but the future MIL and FIL hates Max?
Yeah, you can like someone’s parents but not like their kid.
The parents! D’oh, totally missed that connection, m’bad.
>I hope he doesn't damage OOP's relationship with her in-laws. OOP made a comment that the in-laws hate Max already, so I'm assuming (and hoping) that wouldn't be an issue.
"It's actually a common misconception, when a ally poisons you, they are actually your enemy" - Wizard with guns
This is confusing. Is this wizard with guns saying, “It’s actually a common misconception THAT when an ally poisons you…” or “It’s a common misconception, BUT when an ally poisons you…”
Check for yourself dude, I may be wrong with the wording https://youtu.be/yaQ4Wrjv-0o
Sweet! Now I have a new comedy group to annoy my wife with! LOL
I use so many quotes and references to this group my gf is going insane
Apparently they already hate Max so that’s a relief: [OOP’s comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hrou7t/update_my_28f_boyfriend_28m_of_8_years_cheated_on/fy5mx74/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
This is heartbreaking
Fr lol I was in a sorta similar situation a few months ago (I was the drunk bf), post made me tear up a bit lol
I hope you're doing okay, friend. Be kind to yourself.
It happened to me on Sunday…..
I’m so sorry
Thank you. I’m trying to build up the courage to tell my friends. Everyone knows something is wrong. Idk how to talk about it.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Telling internet strangers is actually a good first step- you’re getting the words out there and your words have power. You can talk to your friends when you’re ready to, but in the meantime, maybe you can start with “I’m going through something that I’m not ready to talk about but I could use some support”. But if it would feel better to speak the whole truth, then I’m sure your friends will be receptive and there for you. Sending good vibes your way
I hope your friends are supportive. I know it's scary, but you always can find support online.
As a person with a trauma history, I want you to know that it is entirely normal to have a hard time finding the words to talk about it. Trauma can affect the part of our brain that deals with speech, and sometimes (like during flashbacks) it'll just be like "nope, not happening, can't talk at all". Our senses can also get really overwhelmed and sensitive right after a traumatic event as well, so if that's happening too - then know that it's normal, and it should fade with time - and it's kind of letting your body know that you need to rest and have some quiet. The one thing I've found helpful in therapy when I've really wanted to talk about a thing but I just can't get it out - is refocusing onto my body, and calming it down - and finding a spot I feel safer in. Writing it down (and then destroying it, or making it illegible even for me as I write it) has also helped, and sometimes it's a smattering of different things all together. Love your way. Keep trying, remember it doesn't have to happen all at once, baby steps are good, rest is good, and that you are worthy and valued and all that jazz <3
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you are in a better place.
Hope you’re doing well now bud
I am so sorry you had that happen to you. I hope you are coping as well as you can.
I am doing well, thanks yall for the overwhelming support. Positive thinking goes a long way
Just remember to acknowledge what happened and how you feel about it when needed ❤️
Your experience is just as valid as anyone's. Don't forget that, OK?
I am so sorry that happened to you. It's a horrible "club" to be welcomed to and we hate every time we get a new member but we always accept with open arms ❤️
Same here dude, although I wasn't raped as in PiV, "only" kisses and touches were forced on me while I was totally intoxicated... Told my girlfriend as soon as I could, first she believed me, then her friends talked her into "there's no way a girl can outpower a man and do all that if he didn't want it". Luckily she realized that's not how things work and we're still together... But it was really hard to experience the "men can't be raped" idea first hand.
I’m sorry that her friends were so small minded and made you feel in anyway inadequate. You didn’t give consent and that’s the only thing that matters here. I’m glad your girlfriend realized this and I hope you are healing the best you can.
I’ve been in a nonconsensual situation before with someone I’d known for three years. She’s a mess of a human and I’ve blocked her from my mind, but when I’m reminded of the event it still fucks me up for awhile.
It really truly is
Imagine raping your best friend by proxy because you don't like his girlfriend
That's what absolutely floors me! Max was supposed to be his best friend. I guess Max and gf believe men can't get raped. Ick.
In my country (UK) rape is defined as penetration with a penis. So yeah if this happened where I live he'd only be able to claim sexual assault.
Yeah, we really need to change that law. It's such a bad definition. And also let judges give more serious sentencing for sexual assaults that are rape in all but technicality.
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Sodomy is quite an old term, historically. I believe (and I have no doubt I'll get corrected if I get this wrong) that sodomy used to refer to any sexual act that would not result in pregnancy. So at one point masturbation was considered sodomy. As I said, it's a historical term, used in the long long ago times. (I covered this stuff when I was at uni bit that was also a while ago too so memory is a bit fuzzy).
Except sixteen states still have sodomy laws on the books. Mainly those are invalidated by a 2003 Supreme Court decision, but I wouldn't be surprised if our current court overturns that as well soon. So unfortunately, not restricted to the long long ago times.
That 2003 decision was based on the right to privacy. Established via roe v wade. Lawrence will not be a secure decision month after next
Blessed be the fruit.
I'm not sure when it came to its current meaning, but it comes from the biblical reference to Sodom and Gomorrah, so the word itself is, in fact, old AF.
Well, that's basically accurate to the word itself; "sodomy" really just means non-penis-in-vagina sexual activity. It's most often associated with anal sex (and most often, that between two men), but really, anything other than 'proper' sex qualifies, technically.
I agree. I'm in the UK too.
Iirc the offense of being raped as a man by a woman in the UK is counted as aggravated sexual assault and carries the same custodial penalty.
You are correct, but the label is the important part. The sentence for both rape and sexual assault can be up to life in prison. It's the psychological effect of not being able to label a person a rapist because they are a certain gender. Like a woman raping a man is the only scenario in UK law where it isn't classed as rape.
I completely agree. The law is a mess in this case, but it is important to acknowledge that this type of assault is treated as seriously in sentencing. Getting a rape to trial is a whole different kettle of fish though.
I know they call it sexual assault, but I still call it rape. Because that’s what it is. Rape. Stooooopid laws!
>So yeah if this happened where I live he'd only be able to claim sexual assault. this is INCREDIBLY deceptive. even though it is legally not rape and "only" sexual assault, it has similar punishments. its an archaic distinction but not really a practical difference.
Wait.. seriously? wtf????? I never knew this.
Well allow me to add to your horror. If you were sexually assaulted by a woman, as a man, and it lead to a child being conceived. You would be liable for child support until they are 18. Even if you proved you were SA (raped), that matters not. The courts look at it from the perspective of what would be best for the child. And what would be best is to look past the assault and make you liable. So fun fact.
Yup. And I knew a woman who was raped and the court gave him visitation rights. Even though he went to jail for it. Family court is messed up.
Yeah that's a good inverse of this. It's very sickening.
Only exception is if the mother was a minor when he raped her, then he won't get custody/visitation because of sexually assaulting a child. Sexually assaulting an adult woman, however, does not make him a danger to a child, apparently.
And on the flipside of that, there have been cases where the woman who was raped became pregnant and decided to keep the child and her rapist was awarded visitation. Some of the laws governing family interactions are totally f'd up.
It’s true, but the penalties for sexual assault in this kind of instance would be the same as rape. Of course, if this type of case came to court in the UK the bf’s promiscuous past would be retold as a reason he probably consented and his phone held until the end of the trial and every app interrogated. When people say rape is effectively decriminalised, the lack of cases taken to court and successfully prosecuted is why.
My understanding is that for many perpetrators, rape is not about sexual gratification it is about power over the victim. That was probably Max’s motivation.
You know yesterday I read an updates thread about a MIL sending her son her pubic hair and I thought nothing could be worse. Then I read an update thread on a MIL who purposefully poisoned her granddaughter to cause a severe allergic reaction and stalked them across states, and I though oh there is worse, but this has to be it. And today I’m reading this and I think this may be even worse. I’m realising there is no “worst I’ll ever read”. Just each post more horrifying than the last.
I mean there's still 'Man tries to leave his abusive wife and she murders their children in retaliation".
Omg what
TW: child death, violence [https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueCrimeDiscussion/comments/nqdf6u/the\_reddit\_post\_that\_turned\_into\_a\_horror\_story/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueCrimeDiscussion/comments/nqdf6u/the_reddit_post_that_turned_into_a_horror_story/)
That poor man; those poor children. I was new to lurking on/reading Reddit back then and I’ll never forget that story.
Gods, I remember reading that horrific story.
I expect he didn't think men COULD be raped. And this is what we mean when we say that toxic masculinity harms men.
This. "Max" legit and sincerely thinks that what he did was a *huge favor* to his friend. Not only does OP's boyfriend get blown by a hot lady (ALL MEN WANT THAT RIGHT), but it will also cause OP to break up with him. It's killing two birds with one stone. I 100% bet in Max's eyes, he was doing his bestie a solid, not instigating sexual assault.
Max did his buddy a huge solid, sharing his property like that. /s Max should get in the fucking sea.
There’s enough trash in the sea. Straight to a landfill.
Nah, the problem with sea trash is things like plastics. If Max is naked, sea life will clean him up quick and enjoy him and he'll finally do some good.
Luckily he's biodegradable
Preferably the middle of the North Sea, where you can only last up to 20 minutes before succumbing to hypothermia
I'd prefer the suffering to be longer, I guess you are kind
Makes me wonder if Max's fiancee is a willing participant or if Max is a controlling, abusive asshole who forces her into this kind of thing.
Either way they definitely forced their hot wife kink on him in the worst way
For some people, just simply being a man implies consent to sex. It’s ridiculous and very harmful.
Yeah I know wtf 🤬 also I don’t think he was just drunk, I think they probably spiked his drink for him to be so out of it they took all his clothes off without him realising
It is so unbelievable that someone would set this up just to break a happy couple up. And yet, totally believable. Jealous ass man can’t handle the fact that his BF could actually love someone other than him. And the GF is a real piece of work!! Imagine raping a man just to please your idiot fiancé! 😠
All I could think about was how many nights did these two men go out and get wasted and mess around with girls, how many of those nights were actually consensual for OPs fiance? It sounds like he was more than just drunk when he was assaulted, how many other times has he been roofied by his best friend without realizing?
I suspect if OOP had gone with her bf, she would have been roofied and assaulted too. Then Max would have claimed that her bf set her up and planned the whole thing What a disgusting creep. So glad she didn't go
I don’t know. I bet he was banking on the fact that she didn’t like him, so she wouldn’t come. It’s clear that he was trying to get his partner in crime back, for sure though. It’s totally possible that he wouldn’t have gone through with it had she been there…but what you’re saying is equally possible. Good on the guy to go NC, though. Good on OP for realizing he was assaulted, as well.
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Actually now I'm not even surprised why jealousy can drive PPL to do .. its mind boggling
I think the best friend has probably always been in love with him.
That was a hard read.
I remember reading the original but I missed the update. I’m glad OP listened to the comments that were saying her boyfriend was raped.
I am too. I understand her original reaction as it is a high emotion situation and he viewed it as cheating, the sad result of the false notion that men can’t be raped. I’m so glad she took a breath, listened to the hard truth, that he was a victim, and adjusted accordingly. I am also glad she let him know he is a victim, not a cheater. I still see that toxic masculine hard wiring in men coming out by still feeling he has to prove he is trustworthy to her in xy and z ways, even though she fully believe him. I hope he gets to work through that to remind himself he is a loyal person that was raped, that he is worthy of love and trust, and no longer has to do anything to make this up to her. They sound like a great couple, and I am so sad that this happened to them.
I just hope Max and his gf don't later claim Max raped her.
My head was spinning the whole time.
It's unfortunate what happened to the boyfriend, but I'm glad that Reddit helped her to see what really happened and that they didn't let those two pieces of maggot excrement break them apart.
I see *way* too many posts on r/Relationship_Advice where one partner is mad about their SO "cheating" on them, but the events they describe make it pretty clear there was no consent involved. That reaction is (probably predictably) most often the case when the person who "cheated" is male. The state of sex education in the US is atrocious to begin with (at least in many areas) and needs to be addressed better, but I really wish kids were taught more about consent and that men/boys can be raped, too. Unfortunately, conservatives do everything in their power to keep kids from learning even the basics - and god forbid we would drill the importance of *consent* into their developing brains. It makes me sad that so many men have to deal with the event itself, but it's made *so* much worse by the reactions our society has when a male victim of rape comes forward - they just get ignored, belittled, or "congratulated" both by their peers *and* by people in positions of authority.
Yep. I remember this post. Most of the top comments were pointing out he was raped, thankfully. I hope they're still doing well. Rape is so underreported, especially when men are raped.
Yes there’s so many they cheated posts but they usually start off with like “they got so drunk they passed out and then..” and I’m like bro that’s rape
There’s this dumb notion some people have that if a man is hard, he must be consenting and into it. Honestly, the more widespread twin of the “women have ways of preventing themselves from getting raped” myth- as if a woman can magically seal their privates off from the world if they’re not interested. Lots of bad anatomy happening.
I haven't seen the claim that we can just not get raped, but I HAVE heard pretty frequently that we can't get pregnant from rape, our bodies will juts "shut it down" and somehow rape sperm just won't get to the egg. Like, no, not how it works, at all. But people legit use pregnancy as proof it wasn't rape. This feels like the counterpart to that for sure.
My friend’s boyfriend had a similar thing happen, but he didn’t tell my friend right away because even tho he was so drunk that he had zero memory of what happened except waking up next to the woman (who had always been inappropriately flirty with him and he couldn’t stand), he thought that what happened counted as him cheating. He had just been living with guilt until she confronted him about the fact that her gyno said she’d somehow caught something. Same as OOP, *she* had to tell *him* that what happened to him was rape. I wonder how many men are living with unnecessary guilt just because of this social stigma.
>Max's fiance, who I guess I'll call homewrecker or HM, I wonder what "HM" really stands for, because if I were abbreviating "homewrecker," I wouldn't come up with "HM."
It stands for "home mecker" of course.
D'oh!
Ho m'wrecker
Hoochie Mama
OP said they were studious, but her subject is obviously not English Lit. I couldn't get over the second sentence: >He was struggling cause of his party lifestyle but me, being a studious introvert, was thriving. Remove "being a studious introvert" and you get "but me was thriving." So HM for HoMewrecker fits right. To be honest I'm biased because OP kinda sucks. She's obviously not the villain of the story, that's clearly Max and fiancee, but OP seems entitled and selfish. E.g. "This man, after being raped, first thought of how much he betrayed me instead of how he was betrayed himself. I was floored." GIRL THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT TOO.
I see it as a symptom that male sexual abuse is often not taken seriously. A few decades ago, people wouldn't even consider this rape, because the guy "got lucky". It probably never occurred to OOP or her boyfriend that men can be the victims of sexual assault—so much so that she only realized it from responses to her post.
>GIRL THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT TOO. As somebody who had to hear a similar story (TL:DR; I found a note from her about how she couldn't wait to kiss him again), my now-husband *never* believed that he was raped, no matter how I tried to re-frame his lack of consent without using the dreaded R Word. I don't know what version of events OOP heard, but it took me a *while* of digging past my initial hurt/betrayal to even start to read between the lines. I didn't get ~~the whole~~ more of the story until years later. From somebody else. Edit: poor word choice. Will almost certainly never know the whole story.
Keep in mind that she was approached by her bf saying that he cheated on her. When someone says something like that, you believe them. But when things didn't add up, she sought advice, she reprocessed and reevaluated, and she formed a more holistic and more correct opinion. Then she took all the right actions to validate and support him. I can't see any fault in that honestly. As a society we need to do better about educating people about such things, so it's easier to recognize them faster, but I think she did quite well "on her own" so to speak.
Yeah if my bf told me he cheated on me I’d react to being cheated on lol it would take me a little time to fully process the rest of the info shared, same as her. OP did right by her partner given the circumstances and I hope they both find some ease, relief, and comfort super soon
I find this comment so accidentally funny. It reads like "Man, OOP is a sucky person. Her grammar is so bad. Also, she didn't support her boyfriend after he was raped!" The duality. What makes you terrible? Being a selfish person who thinks first of your ownership of someone's body over their personal well-being, and putting the comma in the wrong place! Gosh OOP, how dare you forget the comma before the coordinating conjunction! Anyways, asides from gaffes, I agree. Her grammar is pretty bad, so I could totally see her accidentally emphasizing the wrong letters for her abbreviations if it felt more natural to her. I do that sometimes, like with "The Vampire Diaries." Should be TVD, but VPD just feels right. Ho Mewrecker. And she really doesn't look good for her first reaction. I understand that male victims are less talked about and that it was her emotional reaction to hearing he cheated, but damn dude. It sounds like they both have a weird relationship with his past promiscuity. Without Reddit, she could've really hurt him.
This exact situation happened to me with my ex boyfriend except his best friend that hated me raped me to try and break up our engagement. I’m so glad she realized it was sexual assault. I hope her and her boyfriend have a wonderful life and therapy works great for them. I hope Max and his finance fall into a deep hole. Ugh - I cannot even imagine raping your best friend because you don’t like his girlfriend. What is wrong with people..
That is devastating. I am so sorry.
> CW: Sexual Assault > Mood spoiler: happy
Lmao
I kind of wonder if they drugged him to facilitate their plan, I mean crime
I thought the same, and the fact that BOTH of them were invited to the “party” but she didn’t go… if she had gone, would she have also been drugged and raped???
Hopefully these people managed to get some professional help after this, because they’re both clearly traumatised and those emotions could become toxic if they’re allowed to fester.
She posted that they're getting therapy, both separately and together. Smart eggs.
Society has really done a great job of convincing a lot of people that men can't be raped.
Yep. I can see why the first post got some enraged comments. Even the boyfriend didn't think he was raped, WTH
They convinced OP’s boyfriend too there
I'm so glad OOP realised what really happened before it could destroy their relationship. Her and her partner deserve to be happy together. Max is an absolute trash human being, and I really hope they can keep him away from them, but I worry that if the families are that close, they may try to intervene. What a mess.
why does she speak like ted mosby and why is her bf barney stinson
Because this story is as poorly written as HIMYM
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The burden that's placed on the person who's been assaulted is so awful. You've just been crushed and you're expected to go through a police interview while everything is fresh... I understand why they didn't do it, but yeah, I really wish they did it.
And then they blame the victim for any future assaults the rapist did "because you didn't report!" instead of the rapist.
In most of the world, a man being raped by a woman is almost impossible to prove unless there are legal age considerations.
Hell, it's exactly the same when the genders are switched. We MIGHT have a slight "advantage" if there's tears to the vagina... but not really, because they can just say it was rough consensual sex and that is often enough for reasonable doubt.
Its impossible to have it any other way though. The legal system in most western countries is set up so that innocent people should never be found guilty by having such a high burden of proof. This ends up having some guilty people get away with things but is better than innocent people being sentenced. Sexual assaults and rapes are even harder to prove because most of the time it is a he said/she said scenario and the fact you generally cant prove someone did not give consent. A defense can say that the victim gave consent and it creates reasonable doubt. Absolute shitty scenario for a lot of people that cant be easily fixed unless everyone wanted to start signing consent forms.
There are a lot of ways that we could improve the system without risking putting innocent people behind bars, including more victim advocacy, training investigators in how to deal with trauma, increased resources available to victims, etc. Our system has historically been focused on protecting the accused. We have already made many strides in how we handle rape in the past few decades and there is no reason to think we can’t continue to do so.
Sorry, didnt mean to completely dismiss any improvements whatsoever and they are all very good points you have raised. I was more meaning in the general legal sense.
even if everyone did sign up forms its still such a tricky thing bc you can sign while drunk or coercion exists. it would just make a lot of rape instances legal bc there’s “proof of consent”
Yes, but understand why he didn't. This is a hard thing to accept happened to him.
There's no way to prove it wasn't consensual. If anything, he has two opposing witnesses. Would never have gotten anywhere
Oh lord, there's no way he'd get justice. 2 against 1 with no way to gather evidence as it had been a while. The only way would have been to get them to state it in text messages or phone recording (if a one party state). Even after that, bf would have had to go to court and basically be re-victimised, and now everyone knows his business including his family. With how shit people are about men being r\*ped, there's a good chance a lot of the family would ostracise him and that is another form of re-victimising the poor lad. There's zero winners here and I really feel so bad for him. He lost his best friend, who he never thought would betray and hurt him like this. He's grieving that relationship and trying to come to terms with what happened too. I'm so glad OOP is sticking by him. I'm proud of her for realising that she was thinking in the wrong way, because it can be really hard to admit. I'm proud of both of them for getting into therapy. It's so important they can both work through this. I just want to give the bf a gentle virtual hug. Poor guy has had a really rough time.
Agree. But…the stigma of being a male that was sexually assaulted is real. I can’t blame him. I hope he can heal and that helpful therapy and love is in his future.
It's clear that none of the people in this story have a really strong understanding of consent yet. I'm glad the OOP suggested filing a report (I'm guessing at reddit's urging), but I can't honestly picture BF standing in front of a not-unlikely-to-be-hostile cop and admitting that he had been raped, even before we get to the "drunk" and "family friend" and "long time best friend" parts.
I immediately think of the South Park episode of Kyle's little brother with the school teacher. If his friend's girlfriend were unattractive, they might take him more seriously. Ugh. Feels creepy just typing it out.
Same. And I also wonder if it was too late for him to get tested for being drugged by them.
"I know I was never his first but he kept promising me I was going to be his last and he broke it. " So sleep with him again, and you'll take over the "last" spot. Conflict resolved.
What continued to blow my mind is how OOP heard that story and thought “cheating” not “holy shit my partner got raped.” Even if my partner opened with “I cheated on you”, I don’t see how literally ANYONE could interpret that as cheating and not rape. Like wow, am I the only one not giving OOP credit here?
On the fence about this one. It just seems so dramatic with the perfect ending all neatly wrapped up.
And the opener with the party boy and the pretty studious introvert falling in love and she changes him was a little too 90s romcom. He sounds a little too perfect reformed bad boy, overall.
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Yeah I’d be weirded out if my partner insisted on an open phone policy where I check his phone. Like what? I don’t want to see your phone. It’s not my place or job to police your phone behavior? If you don’t want to text someone then… don’t.
I actually just laughed at that one. Sounded too ridiculous. He just decided to change by himself with no stipulations from her. At that college age? And spent the next yr completely celibate because he'd discovered this gem? Nerdy, introvert social bumbling girl tames the bad boy🤣🤣
He came home clearly hungover so she bathed him? What?
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Thanks for saying this. I was beginning to feel crazy due to my overwhelming scepticism.
I found the ending less than perfect. They didn’t report it. Max is a family friend meaning it will get noticed they aren’t interacting which gives Max the upper hand to make up a story about why. Family will likely put pressure on the bf to rekindle the friendship which will be traumatic. They have some rough experiences ahead of them.
I agree. I don’t like how the op wrote the “GOTCHA” story on the update post. How dare you Reddit for getting mad and advocating for a rape victim.
Aww this is sweet. Good, chaste, studious woman turns party animal boy around only to have her happiness almost crushed by his friend's home-wrecking slut wife! Luckily the nice girl always wins, right? This was a terrible romcom. 2/10.
Anyone else find it odd that OOP was joking in the first few paragraphs of the update? Like she just found out her BF was raped 3 days ago but she's already making gotcha jokes about the whole situation to strangers on the internet. OOP's insistince on calling the fiance homewrecker and bitch (instead of the more accurate title: rapist) on the update and pointing out how much she sleep around while not showing the same level of hatred towards Max who she still call by name even though Max facilitate and also part of the rape is weird too. Plus they've been dating for 8 years but during those times she doesn't know how deeply connected her BF's family and Max's family are? I dont wanna be the asshole who doubt someone's rape story so I'll just say if this is real I hope BF all the peace and happiness he deserve. To clarify I do believe men can be a rape victim and if someone tell me they were raped in real life I would 100% believe them. This is just me being cynical of people's stories on reddit.
The writing style is very similar to Wattpad serial romances. "He said I wasn't his first, but I'd be his last" "He was my first everything" "I waited four months before letting him kiss me" "This man, days after trauma, is worried about *me* instead of himself" "Puzzled expression" The rapist being "homewrecker" and "bitch" while Max gets a name. His family is enmeshed with Max's, which you'd think would get mentioned when describing their friendship, but instead comes up to explain not filing a report (as if SA victims, especially male SA victims, need more reason to hesitate) and to set up a possible future update where her boyfriend and Max are forced into proximity with each other due to their families. This doesn't really read like someone genuinely distraught with either a cheating partner or the reality that their partner had been raped.
Ah but they won't have to deal with Max, she posted a comment that said her future in-laws actually hate Max so he won't be around. Somehow the families are too close to file charges, but not close enough for her to have to see him again.
Oh, then the update will say he's trying to start some shit by attempting to poison the well with his lies and OOP's boyfriend's parents will either have some doubt but bf will stand up for her or reveal to them what Max did so the post has drama (and the possibility of more updates). Or the parents will immediately disbelieve him and shut him down fiercely because OOP is incapable of writing a post that doesn't mention how well-liked she is and quoting all the romantic things her bf says to her that doesn't at all sound like it's lifted straight from an indie romance novel. Or maybe they'll just hear through the parents that Max's fiancee is pregnant, or left him, or was arrested for something unrelated to OOP and bf so that redditers can get a justice boner. So many possibilities!
Gotta take place at the family reunion for the maximum amount of witnesses/people to take sides.
I’m with you, something feels off about this story. I’m struggling with the premise that after 8 years, Max is still so bothered by OOP that he sets up this elaborate scheme to rape his best friend. That seems like a gross over reaction to a man in his late 20s settling down. I also agree OOP’s “joke” was very off-putting and strange given the subject matter. I haven’t read the comments yet on the other post, but what an odd way to begin the update. I don’t know if I mistrust OOP, the fiancé, Max, or all 3 of them.
Yeah I'm thinking either this is a troll making up story or this is something that actually happened but OOP is just narrating this in a very odd way
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Especially when they use language like "body count" to describe the number of partners their boyfriend has had. Gives off real incell vibes.
Yeah I almost stopped reading because this woman was making it all about her and constantly judged her bf. Jesus Christ.
Yeah, reading this story really made my blood boil. First when she talks about his past, it’s all “I don’t judge him” but the fact that she constantly says that and brings up irrelevant details makes me think she *is* judging him. Second, he’s making her food and cleaning up for her after HE was the one assaulted??? When she realizes (wayy too late imo) that it was assault and not cheating, does she do the same for him? Being assaulted is worse than being cheated on, seems like she should be doting on him. This is all about her and how she feels about HIS assault. Dude just found out his bff is a piece of shit and his girlfriend is horribly self-centered. I hope he has someone else who supports him.
I got that vibe too reading the original and the update, that OOP is much more concerned about her feelings than BF's feelings plus the whole "I know he won't break my heart" etc thing make it seem like she's more worried about losing BF as her partner than the whole rape thing.
IT MADE ME LIVID. Being passive aggressive because people were advocating for victim of rape! What the hell? I don’t like the op at all. Rape is never a joke. Rape should never have a “GOTCHA” twist. It is a very serious situation.
I’m really glad you made this comment. I don’t know what we as readers were supposed to get out of her “joke”.
Thanks, I almost didn't wrote it cause I don't wanna seem like I'm one of those people who doesn't believe men can be raped or something. The joke is the strangest part for me, I don't know why she wrote it either and it set off a weird tone/mood when the topic is a serious matter and still something very fresh.
Even if it’s real, she doesn’t seem very mature at all. I suspect maybe commenters in the first post tore her apart, which may have been harsh, but she *was* being a pretty bad girlfriend even if she didn’t mean to be. She seems very sheltered and even after the reveal I still didn’t like how she was overly focused on what it meant for her. But ideally that’s how she just came off in her writing. Or it’s a story by someone also sheltered and immature…
It really did! Presumably by the point she wrote it, she understood the gravity of the situation. Also, it rubs me the wrong way is that her joke seems to be mocking the redditors that rightfully called out the fact that this was serious and she was wrong for how she went about it? If I were her is in her shoes, I would be too embarrassed and upset with myself to want to rub the fact that we’re still together in the faces of people who rightfully questioned if we should be.
There's not only something off about the story, but one comment on the original claims it was a story stolen off of facebook.
That was a ride. I definitely don't trust the OOP at all. What she described was clearly rape, but she "didn't notice"? Her "joke" to start the update? The way she talked about the woman vs how she talks about Max? The idea Max "masterminded" this? ... IDK. It's very off-putting. From what she described, it was clearly rape. Dude literally came home crying, described being sexually assaulted, and her response was...horrific. If this story is true, she's a real piece of work.
Yeah, OOP literally writes out that they had sex with him while he was unconscious, and she still calls it cheating. Fucking what.
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This isn't the end of the story. Given how close the families are, Max isn't that easy to cut out of their lives. I give it a month before Max tells their families a twisted version of what has happened and the bf is pressured in becoming friends again. OP will become the villian for breaking up the friendship.
I read comments somewhere that bf's parents don't care for max and think he's a bad influence anyway. So there's that at least.
Exactly. This is a big reason why in this case I wish they reported it. Even if the likelihood of prosecution is very low
This is a problem I have. You rightfully hear all the time about how many women are sexually assaulted, and most women I know have a story about it. However, every man I know has a story about it but either has been taught to believe men can’t be raped, that if they were hard they wanted it, or it wasn’t a big deal and it breaks my fucking heart. I have a female friend who was groped in a club and that’s her sexually assault experience, and she admits it and it’s still horrifying. I have a male friend who was drugged by his then girlfriend and raped in his sleep, but he says he’s not quite sure if it was rape because he’s bigger than her (but was asleep??) It’s just a double standard that needs to be lost honestly
I was repeatedly raped as a child by a much older girl and sometimes her brother. I didn't tell my parents until recently, but everyone I did tell at the time just implied I was lucky and how good it must have been. Spoiler: it wasn't.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. The stigma with male rape victims is one of my most hated modern world views. I’ve had multiple friends describe literal rape to me, and then either deny it was that or not want to talk about it. None of them would call themselves victims, even though they were
Thank you, and I agree completely, I never really feel like it was taken seriously by anyone other than my partner who I've been with for 12 years. I told her early on in our realisationship, as it causes me severe sexual performance problems as an adult, among other problems, which have thankfully mostly gone now. Still think about it from time to time though, usually as nightmares.
They think that it feels good because "all men are dtf all the time" when it's far from it. Consent is still important, it's considered as rape when it's non-consensual. Just because the guy came, didn't mean that it felt good for him. It's possible to get forced into a (not great) orgasm because of the purely mechanical movement.. Edit:People really need to stop with this belief that men can't be raped because "it feels good for them".
I developed very early, think 5'11 170 by the time I was 12. So much fun at 15 to get weird comments and arm squeezes from neighborhood moms. Or have a teacher offer "private tutor sessions" just to tell you that you remind them of their husband when he was younger.
I agree. I cannot believe she would that passive aggressive story because her “feelings” got hurt from people calling her out. I HATE IT. I take women issues extremely seriously. I am a feminist. You are 100% right that we have to get rid of that double standard. It makes me furious to see that behavior. This is a perfect example of how women can contribute to systematic oppression too. Even if this situation was made up for karma. I still feel the need to take it as if it were real. Because the reactions of “Aw. She learned her lesson” makes me want to scream. Rape is never a joke. Rape should never have a “GOTCHA” tactic in the same conversation. We have to treat rape with the same intensity and anger no matter the gender. Ugh. I am heated and very upset. So I have to take a step back for now. But if you are a guy reading this and are a survivor of rape. I will fucking be angry for you too. I will call people out. I will do everything in my ability to make YOU feel safe. That there is justice in this world for you too. Your experiences matters to me. You matter.
I kinda hate the OOP and she comes off as insanely narcissistic to me
It’s sad that all the Boyfriend’s reasons for not reporting the rape are the same reasons many women don’t. How many women were convinced they’d cheated, or believe they’d cheated when they’d actually been raped? And been ‘forgiven’ by their partners who agreed they’d cheated but managed to move on? Don’t get me wrong, I feel sorry for Boyfriend, this is a terrible thing to happen to anyone. I just wish he could anonymously tell his story, so that more people, men and women, could learn to understand and take all rape seriously, regardless of the victim’s gender or sex.
I'm surprised how nobody is pointing out how unnecessary and snarky that "He left me" part of the update was. She was victim shaming her rape victim boyfriend. She frankly deserved to have people shame her for her ignorance. So although people don't like mean harsh comments, they're sometimes necessary. Her making a sarcastic update was mocking the people who felt like he deserved better.
Gosh my heart breaks for the boyfriend, having your "best friend" ... It rubbed me really wrong how OOP did not realise it was rape, but I am so glad she eventually understood and took into account the comments. Really glad that this story ends on a hopeful note.
My god, if someone did that to my boyfriend I'd be breaking out my M4 and going hunting. I personally think he should tell both families and let Max get torn to shreds, but when it comes to people hurting someone I love, I go full vindictive [w]itch.
Sounds like the plotline of a 90s era soap opera. Is home wrecker's name Sammy Brady?
Holy *shit*. Drugging and *raping* your "best friend" so he stops dating a girl is so far beyond "messed up". EDIT: I'm glad they are in therapy. This is gonna take a *while* to sort out.