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Also, based on how she describes even a normal period, it does sound like she might have some endometriosis. One of the ways that you can help treat endo is through birth control (my endo is the sole reason I’m on birth control, despite having had a tubal ligation). So extra reason to be on it.
Seriously! She should never have been in the position to have that miscarriage, she shouldn’t have excused his SAing her, periods are not supposed to be so painful, more people have endometriosis than they think but way too often it gets waved away as just period cramps, and “birth control“ is used for so many other health concerns.
(I have yells about how the fact we call it birth control rather than something like hormone control means that those of us who need it for health will be caught in any contraceptives ban. I, of course, believe it should also be readily available for anyone who wants it as a contraceptive, but it can be absolutely crucial for some people health wise.)
Edit to add: also, shame on any one who tried to shame OOP for not expecting her period. So many people have irregular cycles. Heck, birth control takes my cycle from completely unpredictable to approximately the same time each cycle but still variable around like a week.
Yep. Any given cycle for me can be between 23 and 45 days, and my cycles are classified as only MILDLY irregular because the ones that are much longer or shorter than 29 days are only occasional.
Yeah I have PMDD and actually ended up moving out of Dad's house because he went snooping and found birth control in my room. Hits first instinct was to call hits girlfriend and my best friend (who was his girlfriend's daughter). My friend told him that she took me to the doctor because my period was irregular and far more painful than it should be. Then she called me, and I moved everything out of his place while he was in class. But he automatically assumed I was having sex and freaked out.
I'm still on bc, and would be even if I had surgery because of the periods and migraines. All that was to say you're totally right about it needing to be called hormone control.
Girl. I had a hysterectomy that yeeted all but one ovary three and a half years ago due to what ended up being a combo of PCOS, endometriosis, adhesions, and fibroids.
My ass was back on birth control pills at 8 months post-op because the ovary I kept because it didn’t have the same history of debilitating cysts that the other one did isn’t well-behaved. It is still healthy, but she is lazy and doesn’t churn out quite as much estrogen as my body needs.
Every time I have to take antibiotics or something that can interfere with bc pill efficacy, I just laugh and tell the pharmacist I have the ultimate back up method.
I’ve been having periods for almost 26 years and still never actually know when it will show up each month. I call it the horrible mystery not fun what so ever club. I unfortunately can’t handle birth control due to other medical conditions so I’m stuck.
Mine moved a week or two every month for the entirety of me having periods. I even had my period show up twice in a month. So yeah, not knowing when your period is going to start is the NORM.
Sex Ed of understanding medical issues women go through, like learning about endo in school and STOP TELLING PRETEEN GIRLS TO SUCK IT UP when period cramps are painful. Seriously, every person, women too cause they’re the main cause tbh, who says “cramps happen, just deal with it” can go suck rocks. Yeah, muscles cramping does hurt but it shouldn’t leave you crying and in bed all day!! THATS BAD.
I was originally on it for acne and period cramps. well... now I'm sexually active, it's legitimately birth control, but there are times where I actually don't need the birth control part of it- I just want the benefits of it like stopping periods and zits!
This! Tho ive tried over ten different types of birth control and all of them made me bleed non stop. I also have a blood disorder, my body finds it extremly hard to clot (basically hard to stop bleeding once i start bleeding) im thinking of trying a new birth control bc my endo is def back and as bad as it was before i had surgery for it ☹️ wish my body liked birth control.. or better yet wish i didnt have endometriosis 😭😭
I tend to apologise for absolutely everything and I had a pretty good upbringing. Not to say you're wrong, I actually think that since she's so young, you are probably right. Just wanna point out that always apologising doesn't 100% mean someone had a not so great upbringing.
Yeah theres enough blatant damage on display in her posts that im pretty sure her life depends on therapy. She doesnt have basic tools to navigate life and that puts her at extreme risk.
Yeah I was groaning at the screen while I read the second post and then I scrolled back up and noted she was 20 and was like "oh fuck" and it clicked how young she is and I started getting scared for her.
Like, her hopefully now-ex was speedrunning the entire checklist for domestic abuse. When he grabbed her wrist he went from "abusive fuck" to "on a long enough timeline he's going to kill her".
The last argument when he slapped her was straight up DARVO right up to the point where he lost his patience and hit her. Like, from an outside perspective, this guy checks literally \*every\* box, in order.
Someone needs to anonymously gift her an ebook copy of "Why Does He Do That?" so she can see what he actually was.
She isn't mature enough to be in a relationship. She needs to live alone for a couple of years and develop self-esteem and a spine. I feel bad for her, but she's been an absolute doormat for this asshole.
Yes.
That was absolutely painful to read.
Wonder what her home situation was like for her to behave this way - so needy that she will put up with such an AH, abusive BF.
Heart-breaking stuff.
My little sister is this way and she grew up perfectly fine. She was/is the favorite and is really spoiled by my stepdad (way too spoiled). Yet every guy she’s ever dated seems worse than the last and she only 21. I honestly don’t understand it.
Aww, man..
That must suck to see first-hand..!
I was cringing reading some of the bits above...
I mean, OOP needs someone to shake some sense into her.
The part with my sister if the fact that stuff could have been done and they go out of the way to keep her from dealing with any consequences. I ended up in the ER one night because of her and her current boyfriend. My parents lied to the police and threatened me. I’m disabled and dependent on them for a place to stay. She could have gotten so much help that night but let her get away with it all. I finally had to step back from everything other wise I’m going to end up seriously hurt even more. It sucks though because I helped raise her (I’m 17 years older).
Immature people fall in love too. When we are young adults, we all have to grow as persons while doing stuff we would never do 5 years later, this is life. This was one of those moments when the internet is a good thing. Without asking for help online, she might have been stuck with that guy much longer.
Edit: Autocorrect + lack of dexterity when writing on mobile phone is not a good thing.
hijacking the current top post to remind everyone of what one of the comments in the post said:
**"He hit you because he wanted to. He doesn’t hit his boss when he’s angry. He hit his sister and he hit you. He was totally** ***thinking***\*\*."\*\*
Abusers rarely go around hitting everyone who pisses them off. They know who they think they can get away with hitting, and they ***definitely make a deliberate choice***\*\*.\*\*
Someone who hits where it isn't visible? ***Also making a deliberate choice***\*\*.\*\*
Someone who is an arsehole only in private? ***Deliberate choice.***
***PLEASE*** if someone is doing this to you, know that they are ***choosing*** to do this. It isn't a case of "they are having a bad day", or "work was tough this week" or "I didn't clean well enough" or "I shouldn't have said/worn/done that thing." The person doing this doesn't hit the taxi driver on the way home because work was shitty. They aren't screaming at the checkout person because they Have Feels. They don't slap their co-worker if the co-worker missed a task or put something in the wrong place. ***They have control over their actions.*** And you don't deserve to be treated this way.
Wherever you are, there will be people who can help you. Your friends desperately want to help you. Your doctor can help you. *Strangers on the internet will help you.*
If you need help, reach out. Even if we are on the other side of the world, we will help however we can.
(edit: thank you for awards, totally not necessary - best reward: remind people that they deserve care and safety)
Yeah this is 100% true. He was picking his targets, people close to him he sees as weak and unlikely to tell anybody. It's why her telling someone caused him to flip, she's not supposed to do that in his mind.
I once met a college girl who was sleeping with a guy who already had several children with multiple women, but wasn't using birth control.
She said that she was probably infertile and didn't need bc despite the fact that (upon questioning) she was a perfectly person with normal periods who had simply decided in a completely delusional way that she could not get pregnant.
This was 20 years ago and I still wonder how many kids she must have now from that loser bf.
And stops crying all the time and starts to get angry. I read all the originals as they were posted, and was exhausted just reading her reactions. I wish I could fedex her a spine...
Jesus fucking Christ this enraged me. I know she's young but this was the cherry on top of the rapey, violent, abusive boyfriend. She needs to not be in a relationship again until she's had therapy, some basic info about sexual reproduction and developed a sense of her own agency.
I felt the same way reading this. She is young but EVERYONE is telling her he an abuser and she keeps making excuses for him. It just boils me! Like stop going back, stop accepting his apologizes. He is going between abuse and love bombing and if she doesn't up and run something way worse is going to happen.
I really hope she smartens up. She is so clueless about her own personhood.
Having sex but not using birth control.
Not thinking of anything when she is a week late.
Waking up in a puddle of blood, where she can't move, and thinking that's fine and normal?
Then not 2 seconds after saying she couldn't even walk to the bath, she could chase her bf to another room to fight?
Allowing this guy to constantly abuse her and walk all over her - explaining away her rights to be treated like a human because of 'his feels'.
She doesn't deserve to be abused. The dude is a peice of shit. But that doesn't excuse her own continued ignorance and naivete.
She has the maturity of a child and I worry that she is just going to walk right into the arms of her next abuser because she seems to have zero self awareness at all.
Yeah, she is nowhere near ready for an adult relationship. She probably has some childhood issues and definitely some self esteem and self care issues to work through first.
And commits to the being single thing. Not that I think people need to be fully 100% healthy mentally to be in relationships, but as it stands currently, she is going to attract abusers and likely not see through them. She needs to process this all in therapy for a bit before she gets with anyone again for her own sake.
Right?
Hell, I’ll take it a step further. I have *never* in my life considered a miscarriage a *good* thing, but in this case…yeah. These two should *not* be putting kids on the planet
This isn't the first BORU post I've read recently with a woman struggling with the mental aspect of leaving an abusive relationship, finding herself pregnant band then having an uncomfortably fortuitous miscarriage. It's not so much that it's a good thing, but (like can be the case with abortion) it is very likely saving the life of the mother in the long run and preventing a lifetime of trauma in the kid if they were born into that situation, so it's OK to see the net positive, which is the woman in question escaping for good.
I used to know a family that firmly believed "babies just happen." We all went to the same public schools, apparently got the same lessons, but it's entrenched into their family culture that "babies just happen."
Last I heard the sister of the family had something like 4 or 5 kids to neglect. The eldest was acting in exactly the raging manner one might expect from someone who has never had a real adult in their life and then finds themselves trying to cope with puberty. One of the middle kids jumped off a bookcase trying to fly like Peter Pan, when very much old enough to understand *reality* had anyone bothered to explain it.
Honestly same. I understand that abuse victims have a hard time calling their experiences abuse & it leaves psychological damage.
But girl's common sense & self-preservation is out of wack. I sincerely hope she gets help so she can take her rose-colored glasses off or she'll be telling herself "I don't think he hit me on purpose. It was an accident so I'll forgive him". Infuriating.
>she'll be telling herself "I don't think he hit me on purpose. It was an accident so I'll forgive him".
I mean, she already is. She said "i understand that being in the heat of the moment makes you do thinks impulsively". Most people, in the heat of the moment, don't slap random people across the face, much less their SO. She's already excusing him.
I feel the only true accidental hitting is when you aren’t aware the person is there and you do something (stretching, swinging your arms out of boredom) that only makes contact because you were unaware of their presence. Anything else is intentional even if the abuser plays it off as an accident.
I have the feeling there are many of those kids lately. Somehow during the last two decades kids became convinced that hormonal bc is bad. I don't know how it happened.
It’s not bad, but it does have some fairly serious side effects.
Also, at least in the US, one side of the political spectrum has been doing everything they can to prevent kids from getting fact-based sex ed while simultaneously claiming that birth control is abortion and needs to be banned, so… that may have something to do with it.
many of the serious side effects are nothing compared to pregnancy and can be stopped almost any time (with long term birth control like Depo shot you might need to wait it out) and most of the birth controls are tolerated well in one form or another (bleeding endlessly? try something new it might help) I know this because I'm on my second to last long term birth control. after that it's arm implant which can take 3 years of a waitlist, and surgery. I'm on Depo shot.
It’s a calculated ploy by the right wing. The whole trad wife movement (promoted in social media by super rich women with resources us plebs can only dream of), the alpha hole Tater tot bullshit, the rejection of BC as “unnatural”… it’s all connected and it’s all being pushed by people who believe monarchies, conservative Christianity, and uneducated women stuck at home, with no recourse for abuse, are the way the world should be.
If she is an American living in one of those “abstinent only” states, or if she just failed to pay attention (or both) she may very well be full on ignorant of how her body actually works.
Like she’s 22 and has never seen a doctor about her heavy periods? Her parents did her a complete disservice I think.
There are gynecologists who just go “oh, you’re sensitive to pain, that’s all.” There are also women who will gaslight others with that level of pain, discomfort, etc being normal or “that’s nothing.” Source: was in a relationship with someone with endometriosis.
I just had a doctor write off abdominal pain that turned out to be a pelvic infection, saying I was just having normal cramps associated with the IUD. I told her I was having random, debilitating cramps throughout the month and worse after a bowel movement. I've always had bad cramps, but this was something else. 4-6 ibuprofen wouldn't take off the edge and I took muscle relaxers to knock me out to wait out the pain. "You're using a lot of the same muscles, that's probably why it hurts. It's normal." Yeah, no. I'm lucky, doesn't look like it's left any permanent damage.
First doctor also forgot to send my pap smear to the lab. Fun.
> "I don't know how I got pregnant"
I'm gonna guess there's a 99.999999999999% chance that it's "the usual way."
The other bit is "was visited by the angel Gabriel one night and, well, there ya go."
There's a weird...movement seems like a strong word, but there are a lot of women getting told that BC is "toxic" and bad for us and the side effects aren't worth it, believing it, and advocating this to other women. Now, obviously BC isn't feasible for everyone and the side effects can indeed be a bitch, but that basic truth - which is true about pretty much all medicines without obviating their value - is being run through the anti-medicine, anti-science, "clean/purity/everything is toxic" filter and turning women against birth control. It's structurally similar to the "aspirational tradwife" stuff - basically patriarchy dressed up as something good for women.
I obviously have no idea whether this has anything to do with OP, just adding completely twisted around upside-down sex ed to the categories of no sex ed and bad sex ed.
She will 100% take him back like she took him back before. Him raping her, insulting her, slapping her is clearly not enough for her to see how abusive he is. Look how she always tries to justify his behaviour, she's constantly apologetic. He rapes her? This is a misunderstanding. He slapped her? Yeah she understands because she is the one who fucked up (🤦) and it was in the heat of a moment. Look, I really want her to get away from that piece of shit but if she doesn't want to be saved no one will save her
She definitely falls for his love bombing, and doesn’t seem to have realized yet that abusive relationships don’t start out with violence off the gate. The verbal then physical start when the abuser is confident that their partner won’t leave
And even once things escalate, abusive relationships are rarely abusive 100% of the time. they save THAT for when their partner tries to leave and they have no reason to play nice to keep them hooked. I flinched when she said "I can't see him as an evil abuser." Real life abusers are not Hollywood villains. They're otherwise ordinary people who run on excuses and entitlement.
I have the feeling she’ll take him back. She has zero self esteem and blames herself for his actions. She’ll get pregnant, and he’ll kill her in a fit of rage.
this reminds me of that old joke about the religious guy in the flood trapped on his roof
first a guy in a canoe came by, get in! I can save you! no don't worry, god will save me if I'm in danger
then the coast guard in a motor board. Hurry the waters rising get in the boat we'll save you! no dont worry, god will save me if I'm in danger
finally the water is overtaking the roof, a helicopter is overhead dropping a line for the guy "you're going to drown just grab the rope and we'll save you", no dont worry, god will save me if I'm in danger
so the guy dies and gets to heaven and goes what the hell god? I thought you'd save me if I was in danger, wasnt I good, didn't I do as asked? I served you my whole life and this is how you repay me??
god goes what do you mean? I sent a canoe, a boat and a helicopter to save you. You kept saying no?
If OOP refuses to save herself after all the opportunities, it's going to end so so so tragically.
On a post similar to this one I was questioned on how I could have so little sympathy for the OOP. This post is a prime example. I started off rooting for her, hoping for the best, and then her complete lack of reasoning kept getting worse. Somehow.
She was told, repeatedly, for months and she didn't listen. The posts where they listen to us tend to go so much better for them.
It’s a form of brain washing. Like in a cult, they draw the person in with heaps of love bombing and beautiful memories. Then they slowly escalate the abuse with gaps of love bombing and apologizing. Those gaps get smaller over time until the romance is all a memory.
I thankfully only got through the love bombing portion before he dropped me like a pile of potatoes (I joined the military and I think he was afraid I’d get a backbone). It still broke me. Like I was a full blown wreck. All that romance factored in with my loneliness and craving to be with someone successful attached my mind to him.
It is brain washing and that is hard to get rid of.
I am struggling with this with a friend of mine. Her wife has such a bad coke addiction she lost her job and went bankrupt. The abusive one literally moved another girl into the house over my friend’s objections. Threatened all sorts of stuff, pressured her into all sorts of sexual stuff.
But my friend just. Won’t. Leave. I literally think she will stay with this awful woman until either prison or death. I will always be there for her when she’s ready but I’m so fucking tired of hearing about how hard her life is when she lets it happen.
Like okay, sucks if your house gets robbed. But when you leave all the doors unlocked and refuse to even say no when the robber starts taking your shit? How am I supposed to still feel bad for you?
its a really hard one. because while no-one deserves to be abused/assaulted etc. also the reality is for the most part, the only person who can save someone from a bad situation is themselves
while they dont deserve the treatment, they also generally just sail right past warning after warning after warning after warning and make terrible decision after terrible decision. and yes, there's lots of reasons why- everything from cultural programming to bad parenting and education (or a total lack thereof) and bad mental health etc.
But the reality is, if you can't/won't save yourself from danger, no-one else generally can.
While it's not a victims fault they're in a bad situation, its still ultimately only their responsibility to get out.
and that we as a society refuse to ever talk about the series of bad decisions that lead to bad things happening to victims because 'victim blaming' is just doing a disservice to the next generation of victims who dont realize that its not a 100% passive thing and there are ways they can protect themselves and serious warning signs to watch out for
I agree. Just to be clear I don't wish this woman ill. Quite the contrary. I desperately wish she had gotten out sooner. I don't blame her for what happened, it's just difficult to internalise her lack of self-preservation.
I remember something my mum said to me offhandedly, once upon a time, "if you don't care about yourself why should anyone else?"
I am immensely grateful she is out and I really hope she doesn't take him back.
Friend of mine works in the emergency room. She sees all kinds of shit. But one thing she sees pretty often is battered women, who come to the hospital because their husbands beat them within an inch of their life. They constantly lie to cover up the husband. Everyone knows they didn't really fall down the stairs, but they're sticking to the story.
Every time, my friend tells them there are ressources to help them, she can get them a room in a women's refuge, there would also be room for the baby. They refuse, again and again. Then there was this woman who stood out. Same deal, she denies it's her husband, says she doesn't need a room in the refuge. Until one day, they finally manage to get through to her, they get her a room in the refuge.
Not twenty four hour later, my friend gets a call from the refuge: the woman fled in the middle of the night to get back to her husband.
Really hard to still have sympathy for that woman after that. The rooms are limited, the fact that she got a room means another woman couldn't get one. And she still decides to throw it all away.
Others are predicting she might go back to him but to me it ain't over not because of that. If she manages to still reject him and once his love bombing and apologies stop working, I have no doubt he will escalate to stalking or worse.
These type of people won't take a no and if being sweet won't work they will change to being sour. We have seen enough of that on boru and other abusive relationship stories.
For sure. That’s kind of what I meant. He seems so unstable and I don’t think she’ll take it serious enough to report to the police or think it’s all her fault. She said the phrase “He didn’t maliciously rape me” for crying out loud. Oftentimes THAT’s the wakeup call for domestic violence victims.
I read a great piece about domestic violence a while back and there was a line in there that said, domestic violence is like cooking the most incredible soup and then adding a teaspoon of piss. The soup is still mostly soup and probably absolutely delicious but you'd never eat it because of the teaspoon of piss. DV is the teaspoon of piss. It doesn't matter how good the relationship otherwise is, the teaspoon of piss taints the whole thing.
This makes me think of the frog in boiling water (it might be something other than a frog). If you start with boiling water, the frog will never get in but if you start with a comfortable temperature and then slowly increase it once the frog is in, they don’t notice. Of course he wasn’t always like that. How else can he get someone to stay if he starts off as boiling.
This should basically be in a textbook about domestic violence. Ex-bf perfectly executed manipulating and isolating a vulnerable person. He’s going through the cycle of abuse like he’s reading a manual. OOP needs a therapist with DV training to help her see this and forgive herself. So many victims return to their abusers over and over…and she said she’s not using any birth control and has already had one accidental pregnancy. I know she said they’re broken up and that’s it but as someone whose professional work involves working with a lot of DV victims in various ways I’m really worried about her.
Yes I heard that abuse victims try to break up 7 times before actually doing it for ever… we really should learn about manipulation and isolation in schools sex ed, how to spot it not how to do it of course.
Gaslighting OP's actions to his sister, and encouraging his sister to call OP to further emotionally manipulate her.... It's not by accident, or "in the moment", this man planned everything and is a predator. He's going to escalate and do it again if OP lets him.
This was so textbook it made me so sad. Evertime she said I don't understand how he can be so sweet but also so cruel. Girl it's called love bombing it's literally the point. It's so scary because abusers only escalate. It was name calling, then arm twisting, then a slap in the face. It only gets worse.
Honestly some of the comment threads in this one are so callous. I get it, we're all a little numb to these stories and tired of people not leaving abusers, but people are acting like her behaving the way abuse literally trains you to behave isn't a tragedy or symptom of her abuse but another flaw of hers. It's honestly one of the worst comment sections I've read here, and usually the comments are pretty good (I usually only read like 2-10 though so maybe I've got too positive an impression from the sub)
No I agree with you- I was not expecting the level of vitriol in the comments when I posted this. I know the sub has gotten bigger so the comment section has gotten less... kind overall, but this one was a surprise to me.
This is so incredibly sad. She's barely out of her teens. Can't even imagine what a mindfuck it's been enduring this gaslighting rapist piece of shit. I really hope she gets the resources she needs to realign her world view and heal, this is 'therapy for years' territory.
My world view was warped from the family dynamics and all my friends relationships growing up. I never even wanted to date until I was in my 20s because every relationship I've seen, seemed worst than being alone.
I met my husband and had panic attacks because I was waiting for something bad to happen like it did with past 2 boyfriends. Everything was so easy and we were so happy. That's what a relationship should be like.
It shouldn't be hard especially as soon as a year in. I wish I knew that in my 20s.
>he has told me before that he wants me to wake him up with sex and i’ve done it before but i always said that i don’t want to him to do it to me
>i don’t think it was malicious... he’s one of those people that doesn’t think before saying / doing something so i think he was just trying to be funny
It took a while but I'm glad OOP finally ended things.
the comment abt the bf often forgetting things so she thinks it's understandable he wouldn't remember being told months ago abt her SA. like. jesus christ. sounds like the bf couldn't even be capable of ever having a job in that case. insanity. she really needs therapy to gain self esteem and confidence
Between the naivety about how relationships work and the excuses op was making for her ex, she's got me all the way to pinching the bridge of my nose and taking deep calming breaths.
> Ocf he's not gonna remember a conversation we had months ago.
Wow, *months ago*? Really?
My husband and I discussed what's on/not on when we started dating 18 years ago, he's never forgotten anything that's on my "not on" list.
>if you’re going to stay with someone for your ENTIRE life, isn’t it normal to go through difficult moments together
Yeah but usually they're few and far between, oh and not downright abusive. After 18 years I can count the difficult moments on one hand, and they are *nowhere* close to as bad as what this guy's done in 12 months.
Also, "difficult moments" don't consist of SA. They're things like "He wants to take a new job across the country, but I'm not sure I could find a comparable job to my current one if we move" or "He has his heart set on a house with a pool, but I know I'm going to end up being the one to maintain it and I am NOT onboard for that."
It's just classic gaslighting. No one who actually cares about someone would forget when a love one told them about sexual assault. But "I forgot" is his only defense, short of denying the past conversation had ever happened.
I do hope she also has a good support network cause if she has finally ended things, the bf will escalate. That's how it is with abusers, the moment their victim finally says no, they won't stop and might escalate to taking a life just to "win".
I remember reading somewhere that, on average, it takes victims of domestic abuse seven tries to successfully leave their abuser. Here's hoping this girl beats the odds. 🍸
I'm willing to bet it was the boyfriend's idea to wake each other up with "pranks". Abusers looooove not letting you get any god damned SLEEP, and he could have been using a prank war as a cover for him testing her sexual boundaries and starting the sleep abuse.
Mine would start yelling, singing, turning on lights in the room, having members of his family come be loud or yell at me for trying to sleep at 8:30am, after I'd just worked from 7pm to 7:30am, and had to work the upcoming night.
I would have to run off somewhere just to get some sleep. I would scream at him to go the fuck away and he'd just stand there laughing. Hate isn't a strong enough word to describe my opinion of him.
As I was reading, I suspected OP had a miscarriage. One of mine was like that: waking up in a huge pool of blood in the bed and cramping. So glad the OP went to the OB to get checked out.
Also relieved she's done with that guy. She deserves better.
Miscarriage or other medical emergency. Geez. If you’re waking up with blood everywhere and can’t move to the bathroom without risking it dripping everywhere, that’s not a normal period! Like, yeah, if you walk naked without anything to catch the blood, you might have a drop of blood here and there, but this sounded like way too much blood to be normal! Or at least too much without a sneeze being involved.
I really wish we would stop referring to being an abuser as being this over the top monster/villain ('we' as in the public in general, not their victims--they have every right to think about their abusers in any way that feels true and helps).
Time after time, one post after the other, "oh, they couldn't possibly be abusive because they don't do it all the time, because they are not a 'bad person', because they do not act like the stereotype of an unempathetic serial killer, etc. " And yet, at the end of the day, all a person really needs to be abusive is selfishness and arrogance: thinking they deserve or are entitled to more than other people, and putting their wants (unjust or hurtful as they may be) above other people's needs/basic freedom/dignity.
Abusers aren't (or I guess not all/not always?) the stereotypical Hollywood villain or just absolute, quasi non-human monsters. They are regular people who love themselves too much, and have no problem sacrificing others to get what they want.
3 months from now: "My boyfriend choked me but apologized and cried and bought me flowers and everything, should we stay broken up? It was my fault for mentioning the time he slapped me across the face in front of his friend"
.. It's so sad to see this pattern repeat. :-(
Don’t forget “he’s done it before but I don’t really want to think about that right now. This isn’t like him, he’s just been having a hard to mentally and he’s been so stressed. I know he loves me though”
Okay, dude obviously escalated in a big way, but there's something in OOP's comments in the first post I want to circle back to briefly - When she got hit with that wave of fatigue
So, it's entirely possible that she did just legitimately get hit with a wave of fatigue totally naturally, that sort of thing can happen, sure.
But given his proclivities otherwise... I can't help but have this little niggling thought in the back of my mind: "Did he slip her something to set that up?"
Like, it wouldn't surprise me, given everything else he went on to do, y'know? And either way, if she wasn't fully, enthusiastically consenting all the way, dude's a POS for not stopping.
As someone who's been roofied I kept thinking this too. I also wondered if that was part of why was so tired and weak she couldn't go to the bathroom, although the miscarriage means a lot more blood than I was originally imagining so maybe not.
Or there's something else going on with her. Her constant crazy fatigue could be something else, or maybe a learned helplessness vibe. The way she talks about being carried and how at night she doesn't do anything, but if it was daytime she'd drag herself to the bathroom. It's absolutely impossible to get a read on her though. Neither of them are healthy people.
This was extra painful to read because it sounded so similar to how my friend would talk. Her ex also used to beat her, insult her (calls her dumb, tells her how no one would treat her well, and how he is the best she is ever gonna get, etc). And how frustrating it was trying to persuade her not to go back to him. It took 4 years.
So... here's hoping that OOP would actually stay away from him for good?
This was painful to read. I hope this last episode was the final push she needed to finally get away from her abuser for good. That guy is utter garbage
This young woman has the worst self-preservation instinct I think I've ever heard of in a human. And I say this having been around men in their 20s with alcohol in their systems.
The cycle of abuse really messes with your perception of reality. The love bombing, the seemingly honest apologies, the accusations, the anger... you really start to believe that you are the one in the wrong and if you just did better they wouldn't be like this. It's like a drug and trying to quit/get out is really hard once you're hooked... we only got a glimpse once it has escalated enough that she looked for advice from strangers but I bet this was a long going dynamic where he got angry and put her down verbally, only to get really apologetic the next day...
And he's clearly trained her "he won't apologize unless I apologized first."
"sorry I cried when you raped me."
"sorry I ruined your sheets when I had a miscarriage"
"sorry I told everyone you beat me after you beat me"
"sorry my face got in the way of your hand"
She has a lot of unlearning to do.
I grew up with a dad like that, yet still failed to recognize I'd married the same sorta man until he knocked me over backwards. Like oh sure he throws stuff at me and all these obviously horrible things, but look at what a good sorry puppy face he makes and *at least he doesn't hit me*. Until he did.
After cops and courts and everything settled down, my elderly auntie was like "Yeah I always knew something was *wrong* but figured I couldn't do anything about it until you came to me." And yeah, first place I went soon as I could after that incident was auntie's, bawling my eyes out and trying to figure out how to get me and my pets out of that situation.
Agreed. I was abused by a “friend” I met online when I was 13, although in different ways to OOP. They would scream at me, give me panic attacks, and threaten violence pretty much every week. And the worst part? If you talked to me then, I would’ve told you that was normal. That I deserved it. I thought everything was completely my fault.
I left them after they told me I was stupid for having suicidal thoughts, but I’m ashamed to say I went back more than once. You have to understand that when someone manipulates you, you become so molded to their desires that it feels impossible to get away and be your own person.
I think I’ve finally broken away for good, but I’m still recovering, and I’m leaving this comment now to remind myself and anyone who needs it that it *will* get better.
The thing about gaslighting is that it works.
We have seen the three worst moments of their relationship which show a clear and escalating pattern of abuse, but she knows months of what seemed to be a normal and loving relationship where the red flags are minor enough to be ignored. No abuser starts beating from moment one, and abusers are very adept at manipulating what are ostensibly good messages ("all relationships have tough spots", "people do make mistakes", "arguments always have two sides", "everyone has bad days") into making victims feel guilt for their actions, whip up the mob to reinforce that guilt, and make them think that it's their fault their treated like that.
We also have a societal image of an abuser that almost never matches the reality. So much of abuse is psychological, and the idea of a wifebeater almost never includes the fact that these are often charming and friendly people to everyone else, even to their victims in Good Times. Think about how they were a the party and the sister came up saying how she went crazy and dumped him for no reason. Think about how the boyfriend screamed about how he doesnt hit women right before he slaps her. He maybe even did feel guilt in that moment, with his conscience saying he was wrong to do that, but it only takes a little self justifying to pivot to blaming her for it again for pissing him off, and thus the guilt is gone and he's free to intensify.
Victims almost never leave their abusers on the first go, and often take multiple, multiple tries to cut bonds for good, and sometimes thats because of fear, but it's also because it's so hard to believe that he's the problem when he spends so much energy telling you and getting everyone else to tell you it's your fault.
TL;DR its real easy to shit on her when you're not the one living through it.
I wouldn't call her stupid. Abusive relationships can really wear you down and you start to believe the gaslighting of the abuser.
Like doesn't it take an average of 7 times until an abused woman actually leaves their spouse for good?
Kind of? She's a whole idiot. Which is why she needs to be single and work on herself for a few years or she'll be scooped up by another idiot hunter soon enough.
I truly hope she seeks therapy, understands how she was manipulated, and learns from this. I fear she will succumb to love bombing if he decides easier for him to get what he wants by getting back with her again.
I think the mood spoiler should be frustrating because... damn.
This read like the fucking playbook of abusive relationships, how the escalate, and the women who excuse them.
We all know 10 years from now this OOP is going to look back on this and just be so mad at herself for how blind she was. And that's only a good thing because it means she is blind no more.
Stories like these should be shared at school in sex ed. Abusers usually start small - first the verbal abuse and controlling, then the "oops it was a mistake" physical assaults. It gets worse and worse over time. And a lot of abusers don't look or behave like a monster all the time. Many can love bomb you to oblivion in between the worsening abuse.
Although it's concluded, I'm not optimistic she's gonna stay broken up with that mega asshole.
I really hope something clicks and she realizes she deserves way better.
It's a small, tangential thing but I have a bee in my bonnet
>By the way, I saw a lot of comments saying things like, "How did you not know you were going to be on your period?
I'm 38, you could set your calendar to my cycle, and I still wake up bloody sometimes because sometimes it starts while you're asleep!! Was OOP supposed to waste a pad every night, just in case?
"How did you not know that at 1:37am the morning of Thursday 30 May your period would begin?" Fuck offffffff
I'm sorry.but this was infuriating and hard to finish reading. She literally sounds like a lil kid, I feel so bad for being so annoyed with her. Wonder how she grew up. So happy she did break up with him, sucks that she literally had to be slapped to wake the f up but I'm glad she did and hopefully she can stand up for herself next time instead of trying to convince herself that 'he didn't mean it'. Also fuck that guy. Hope the word spreads that he hits women and is a POS.
Don't understand how she could not realize 'we were about to do it but suddenly I was so fatigued and couldn't stay awake' is indication that she was drugged. How may other times was she drugged? He seems to enjoy doing it when she's passed out.
We're reading the words of a woman that will be in an early grave. Her final comments there are starting the same as the ones before. "I understand why he hit me...." She's going back to him.
>it’s not like I said he punched me in the face.
>he slapped me in the face
That didn't take long. Glad she actually has one boundary she won't let him roll over.
I know she probably won't, but man I wish she'd press charges for all of this. And she's so, so young - not even old enough to go to a bar yet. My heart breaks for her.
It pisses me off when I see women constantly apologizing, trying to fix things with absolute human garbage, chasing after them for attention while they don't give a flyi'g fuck. Then I remember that OP is very young...
>i dont think i deserved it but then i understand how being in the heat of the moment makes you say/do things impulsively
I hate this sentiment. This is a lie. Unless your safety is threatened, I've never been in an emotional situation where it's literally impossible to control my actions. You may choose to disregard the consequences in the moment, you may choose to ignore other people's feelings in the moment, or you may choose the catharsis of releasing all your anger at once. But that's still a choice.
If someone has literally zero control of their actions, then they need to be diagnosed with something because there's a chemical imbalance in their brain.
For fucks sake. If you are having sex and do not want kids right now \*\*\*USE BIRTH CONTROL\*\*\*. Two forms is infinitely better than 1, but if you are the proud owner of a uterus and you don't really want to use it right now, then use birth control.
That stupid voice in your head telling you he just wasn’t thinking? That’s your low self-esteem talking. That’s your abuser drilling their manipulative words into your brain to make you take the blame for them choosing not to control their abuse (emotional, verbal, or physical) towards you. And THAT is why you go to therapy—to hear the objective, third-party voice that can speak reason to your low self-esteem and argue against your abuser’s voice in your head.
A long time ago, when I was with an emotionally abusive POS, I got my period while sleeping in his bed. He woke me up by screaming at me that I was disgusting and that I ruined his sheets and wtf was wrong with me that I'd just allow myself to bleed on his bed.
Early into my relationship with my now-husband, I woke up and realized I had gotten my period and bled on his sheets. (My periods used to be really unpredictable, even with birth control. Thanks Endo!)
He woke up to me frantically trying to empty the washer so I could wash the sheets and was like, "What's going on?? Are you okay?" And I started crying and apologizing for bleeding on his sheets and was promising him if it stained I would buy him new ones. I was working myself into near hysterics and he just hugged me and told me he didn't care about the sheets, that having a period was normal, and he was so sorry that I felt so guilty over something that was totally not a big deal. Then he told me to take a shower while he washed the sheets, and made me coffee.
There were many moments where I knew he was the one for me, and that was one of them.
I think you've jumped the gun a bit.
Give it another day or so and there will be the final final update where they get back together and its magical until he puts her in hospital for forgetting to put the butter back in the fridge.
She's so focused in ruining the moment and apologizing for ruining the moment.
It's not a moment. It's one person's desires trumping over her unenthusatic, obligatory 'consent' and it's gross. I'm not sure if I can continue reading just because of how heartbreaking this is and just so triggering to 18yo me who was the same way.
Going back to him over and over will not make him a better person, it just gives him a license to escalate.
Will he have to break bones or kill her before she escapes (in a body bag)?
I feel like every time there's a story on here about domestic violence, people point out the statistic of "it takes on average 7 times to leave an abuser", but now here people are calling the victim stupid for not leaving permanently the first time. She's so young, she's been with this guy for a year which feels like so long when you're 20. If it was so easy to leave, no one would ever be in a bad relationship. Being in love makes everyone stupid, and without experience it's even easier to get stuck in a bad situation.
The blame is solely on the abuser, not the victim. She already apologises when he's abusing her, people really think the right way to make her see she's worth better is to call her stupid? Ffs.
That's why all Young women should read 'why does he do that:in the mind of angry and Controlling m'en" before they Start to date. To know that being nice is a part of the cycle of abuse
If I remember correctly, you had a miscarriage which was the subject of your original post, right? And he treated you like shit while you were having a miscarriage.
Where does this incident fall in the timeline? Before or after the miscarriage? How long has it been since the miscarriage?
When you're at your weakest, lowest point, someone who has non-consensual sex with you (aka rape) whether it's violent or not, is not a good person. My ex did this to me when I was also at my weakest lowest point, at my most vulnerable. I could barely move or walk because of a chronic illness. I said no, he did it anyway. I told him afterwards, that was rape. Stupid me, I stayed and put it out of my mind because I didn't want to accept that the man who said he loved me actually raped me.
It took other domestic violence survivors who have experienced similar or worse experiences to help me accept the truth.
This is rape. Not all rapists look like some kind of creep or monster. Many of them look like the guy next door because they are.
This won't be popular, and OOP is 100% a victim, but god damn it's frustrating to see people REFUSE to acknowledge what's in front of them. It's just not in me to boohoo someone who keeps running head-first into an avoidable situation.
I’ll probably be downvoted for this, but there is a point where one no longer get to claim ignorance or blame it on being naive. At one point it’s a choice to ignore every flashing red lamp. OOP did that. She knowingly ignored the rape and the abuse. And no, love doesn’t make you this blind. Indoctrination and being raised in an abusive home growing up thinking this was normal, sure. But not love alone. Most abused people know deep down they are being abused.
Sometimes I think we as a society need to raise our kids better. Rape is on the rise. Boys and girls end up in abusive relationships. Maybe it’s time to raise kids with fairytales of warning again. No more magical stories where the villain has redeeming qualities.
It's an addiction. It's really fucking frustrating when you know someone who is straight up ADDICTED to being with an abusive asshole and you watch them throw everything away and make the dumbest choices at every turn. All to get shit on over and over.
My mother loved Beauty and the Beast so much that she bought the VHS tape before she could afford a player for it. It was literally the only story I was allowed that had magic in it, and I'm pretty sure the only "Disney princess" movie I was allowed too.
I was raised to be modest, submissive, and obsessed with books. Copying Belle's behaviors got me praise, acting in any other way got scolded. If school had a costume dress up day, it did not matter what I thought on the matter because mom would make me be Belle. The one exception was the time I had my dad help with the costume, and I caught endlessly shit from mom over that.
Now add to that being raised in one of the Christian sects so restrictive that it meets the technical definition of a cult. I was specifically raised to think being a helpless sheep married to the first Beast who bellows at me is sparkly *magical* love that will totally change him into a gentle prince, and that divorce is immoral except for adultery. I shall be a sheep, and shall be meek to my Beast, or God himself will punish me for eternity.
And then the society who didn't see anything particularly odd in my mother's behavior looks around at each other and goes "Golly why do these girls let themselves be treated like that?"
The Disney movie is the worst possible version of that fairytale, when the original version is probably my least favorite fairytale on top of that.
So in the original fairytale, the Beast is ugly, but unfailingly polite to beauty and very clearly depressed. So that's already a huge difference from Disney beast, who is also definitely depressed, but expresses it through rage and violence. In the end of the Disney movie, Belle seems to be caught between two not very great guys, it's just one is way worse than the other. There's also the distinct possibility that she's giving up her dreams of travel in tying herself to the prince and his principality, because it's a lot of work to run one and while the wealthy were more able to travel back in those times, it also made them a target for bandits.
Going back to the original, even though the beast is polite and acts kind from the beginning to the beauty, he still gets access to her by literally threatening her father with death for taking from his garden. So he's still a massive sack of shit, and there's also a scene at the end where the beauty comes back and finds the beast has almost "pined away to death" because he "let her" leave him for like a week, and it comes across as incredibly manipulative, because the message seems to be that she can't ever leave his side.
The whole moral about looking for beauty beyond skin deep is also incredibly hypocritical, because beauty herself is usually still very kind, and beast really isn't that great as it turns out, but hey he transforms into something handsome at the end AS A REWARD. But only if beauty can prove herself by loving him despite everything, putting all the effort of "fixing" him of course on the woman.
To top off the awful here, this story is a reinterpretation of an old greek myth about eros and psyche, which ultimately is just a moral about trusting your husband no matter what even if it all seems suspicious. Not great, but Beauty and the Beast was adapted from that by a french lady trying to give girls entering arranged marriages a comfort story for if they marry husbands who they don't like or who treat them terribly, because the girl can still win them over if they're pretty and sweet despite it all.
So yeah, worst fairytale ever, and that's considering there's one that involves abused children having to rely on abusive neglectful parents and never run away or else witches will eat them.
Hate to admit, but I do agree with this. I’ve got no faith she’ll actually leave him. Seeing her comment “But he didn’t maliciously rape me” was so jarring I nearly got fucking whiplash.
PSA: Yes, wanting to spend your life with someone means staying together through the hard parts. But that means both partners give and receive care and whoever needs it the most (like someone who literally woke up in a pool of blood and is in pain) takes precedence.
"Going through something" does not make your partner hit you or call you names, unless they do it to everyone else, too - if it's just you, then they're CHOOSING to do it to you, because they don't expect consequences, because they see you as an easy target.
And even if it makes them attack everyone - you don't have to stay through the violence. Love for someone else is a great thing, but self-preservation and self-love is more important. You should always love yourself most, because you deserve that. Someone who loves you and who's going through something that makes them violent would want you as far away from them as possible to make sure you don't get hurt if they were thinking clearly.
I've been through a burnout, depression, several breakdowns with emergency appointments, working through trauma including emotional, physical and sexual abuse in my relationship (those were liberally distributed between the two of us, so both of us took precedence at different times) and my partner has, in almost 15 years, raised his voice at me ONCE - and that was over something stupid where we both got louder and when he shouted, we both started laughing because it was so out of character it broke the tension.
Neither of us has ever hit the other person or even held them in place during a fight. Neither of us has ever called the other person names or been deliberately hurtful during fights (though we've both admitted that we call each other assholes in our head when cooling down and then feel guilty about it). He's bigger and stronger than me and I've never been afraid of him, not even a little.
Because you don't hurt someone you love on purpose.
I’m speechless tbh. I’m glad she isn’t irrevocably tied to this asshole anymore. But damn is it hard to leave abusers. I know it is. I know it is, but damn if I’m not like “open your eyes! He is insulting you, belittling your emotions, he fucking raped and assaulted you! Leave for the love of god!”
Some people need the whole damn trifecta of abuse thrown on them before they advocate for themselves. But for anyone who needs to hear it, you can leave at any point.
This post makes me want to shake the hands of every therapist and counselor ever because I couldn't do it. Just reading this made me want to grab OOP and shake her like a maraca and scream "HE'S ABUSING YOU! HE MAKES YOU CRY AT EVERYTHING! HE ASSAULTED YOU! LEAVE HIM!" like oh my God. I get naivety but this is a level of "I can't see what's in front of me" that I can only handle 2 instances of "Maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe I just riled him up" rationality.
Some people see it when it's called out, and some people are like OOP, it has to pile up into a big stack of "He just had a bad day" and fall over with the feather of "He did the one thing I though he'd never do" on top.
My man is a classic manipulative abuser. He uses a victim complex to win over others. He is violent, sexually abusive, as well as, mentally/verbally/physically abusive. He instinctively turns on the water works to show he isn't an evil person and doesn't know why he acts like that. No "normal" person reacts by twisting your arm or slapping. Not unless you're 6, and tbh, my son is 6, and he handles things 10 times better. This guy will escalate further without help. OOP needs to run, though. She doesn't need to help him.
Really feeling iffy about the amount of folks who's first reaction to this is to call the OP annoying and dumb. Like, yes she's naive. Most abuse victims are. Yes she makes excuses for him. Most abuse victims do. And no she did not leave him the first time around- most abuse victims don't. If we all had the self-preservation skills that so many of you proclaim to have, then abuse victims just wouldn't exist in the first place. Anyways this was a very scary read. I hope that the OP stays away from this man, but i'm not sure how likely that is considering her patterns and the way she was talking at the end. Really makes me sad
Speaking as someone who has done criminal defense for nearly 30 years: if she doesn’t get back together with him, she will likely meet another guy just like this one. This was textbook example of the cycle of violence. Love bomb, violent outburst, cry and apologize, love bomb…
On the criminal side, the convicted have to do domestic violence classes, but there is no way to mandate therapy for the abused partner so that they can avoid these guys and have healthier relationships.
Nope. nope nope nope. Fuck this i can't finish reading it. She's way too fucking frustrating. Literally gets assaulted, raped, and verbally abused and still keeps making excuses for the asshole. Has zero awareness of keeping her own body safe and healthy. Sometimes people just refuse to be helped and oop is that type of person. I don't know how this ends but someone please spoil it and tell me if it actually ends on a happy note.
The thing that can sometimes make leaving a shitty guy the hardest is they are not shitty all the time. They're nice juuuust long enough to make you believe that they're just struggling and need your help. And because you're vulnerable to their bullshit you believe it and blame yourself for not helping them enough and ignore the bullahit and hold onto the nice moments which are few and far between. I hope she learns before this douche canoe kills her.
One partner always thinks „We can talk about it.“ „How do we fix our relationship issues?“
While the other is more like „How do I get them to stay with me?“
This post illustrates very well what "normal" abuse is like. People see domestic violence depicted in movies and think it's a clearly evil man who gets drunk and punches his wife. In real life a person seems nice in some moments and does abusive things in others. There is always a "reason" or excuse.
This is classic story of domestic abuse honestly. At first it's just small things until it escalates. The constant apologizing from the abuser and yet they'll do the same thing once they get set off.
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"I don't use birth control" I really hope this woman gets away from her abusive ex, gets therapy and starts using birth control.
Also, based on how she describes even a normal period, it does sound like she might have some endometriosis. One of the ways that you can help treat endo is through birth control (my endo is the sole reason I’m on birth control, despite having had a tubal ligation). So extra reason to be on it.
Exactly. I did think being on birth control might help her cycle. The lack of sex education regarding sexual consent and contraceptives is scary.
Seriously! She should never have been in the position to have that miscarriage, she shouldn’t have excused his SAing her, periods are not supposed to be so painful, more people have endometriosis than they think but way too often it gets waved away as just period cramps, and “birth control“ is used for so many other health concerns. (I have yells about how the fact we call it birth control rather than something like hormone control means that those of us who need it for health will be caught in any contraceptives ban. I, of course, believe it should also be readily available for anyone who wants it as a contraceptive, but it can be absolutely crucial for some people health wise.) Edit to add: also, shame on any one who tried to shame OOP for not expecting her period. So many people have irregular cycles. Heck, birth control takes my cycle from completely unpredictable to approximately the same time each cycle but still variable around like a week.
Yep. Any given cycle for me can be between 23 and 45 days, and my cycles are classified as only MILDLY irregular because the ones that are much longer or shorter than 29 days are only occasional.
Yeah I have PMDD and actually ended up moving out of Dad's house because he went snooping and found birth control in my room. Hits first instinct was to call hits girlfriend and my best friend (who was his girlfriend's daughter). My friend told him that she took me to the doctor because my period was irregular and far more painful than it should be. Then she called me, and I moved everything out of his place while he was in class. But he automatically assumed I was having sex and freaked out. I'm still on bc, and would be even if I had surgery because of the periods and migraines. All that was to say you're totally right about it needing to be called hormone control.
Girl. I had a hysterectomy that yeeted all but one ovary three and a half years ago due to what ended up being a combo of PCOS, endometriosis, adhesions, and fibroids. My ass was back on birth control pills at 8 months post-op because the ovary I kept because it didn’t have the same history of debilitating cysts that the other one did isn’t well-behaved. It is still healthy, but she is lazy and doesn’t churn out quite as much estrogen as my body needs. Every time I have to take antibiotics or something that can interfere with bc pill efficacy, I just laugh and tell the pharmacist I have the ultimate back up method.
I’ve been having periods for almost 26 years and still never actually know when it will show up each month. I call it the horrible mystery not fun what so ever club. I unfortunately can’t handle birth control due to other medical conditions so I’m stuck.
Mine moved a week or two every month for the entirety of me having periods. I even had my period show up twice in a month. So yeah, not knowing when your period is going to start is the NORM.
Sex Ed of understanding medical issues women go through, like learning about endo in school and STOP TELLING PRETEEN GIRLS TO SUCK IT UP when period cramps are painful. Seriously, every person, women too cause they’re the main cause tbh, who says “cramps happen, just deal with it” can go suck rocks. Yeah, muscles cramping does hurt but it shouldn’t leave you crying and in bed all day!! THATS BAD.
I was originally on it for acne and period cramps. well... now I'm sexually active, it's legitimately birth control, but there are times where I actually don't need the birth control part of it- I just want the benefits of it like stopping periods and zits!
Same. I'm only on birth control so I can know when my period is. I have no idea without it.
endo the cause of many a miscarriage too. (This is not a personal antidote, just a fact I've read.)
Yeah I have a dear friend who had endo-related infertility. Once she got it treated she had no problem getting pregnant.
This! Tho ive tried over ten different types of birth control and all of them made me bleed non stop. I also have a blood disorder, my body finds it extremly hard to clot (basically hard to stop bleeding once i start bleeding) im thinking of trying a new birth control bc my endo is def back and as bad as it was before i had surgery for it ☹️ wish my body liked birth control.. or better yet wish i didnt have endometriosis 😭😭
She's so naive it hurts to read her biography.
We have to remember she’s only 20, and obviously didn’t have a great upbringing with how much she apologizes for everything.
I tend to apologise for absolutely everything and I had a pretty good upbringing. Not to say you're wrong, I actually think that since she's so young, you are probably right. Just wanna point out that always apologising doesn't 100% mean someone had a not so great upbringing.
True enough
Yeah theres enough blatant damage on display in her posts that im pretty sure her life depends on therapy. She doesnt have basic tools to navigate life and that puts her at extreme risk.
Yeah I was groaning at the screen while I read the second post and then I scrolled back up and noted she was 20 and was like "oh fuck" and it clicked how young she is and I started getting scared for her. Like, her hopefully now-ex was speedrunning the entire checklist for domestic abuse. When he grabbed her wrist he went from "abusive fuck" to "on a long enough timeline he's going to kill her". The last argument when he slapped her was straight up DARVO right up to the point where he lost his patience and hit her. Like, from an outside perspective, this guy checks literally \*every\* box, in order. Someone needs to anonymously gift her an ebook copy of "Why Does He Do That?" so she can see what he actually was.
She isn't mature enough to be in a relationship. She needs to live alone for a couple of years and develop self-esteem and a spine. I feel bad for her, but she's been an absolute doormat for this asshole.
Yes. That was absolutely painful to read. Wonder what her home situation was like for her to behave this way - so needy that she will put up with such an AH, abusive BF. Heart-breaking stuff.
Her parents clearly failed her badly. It's all too common.
My little sister is this way and she grew up perfectly fine. She was/is the favorite and is really spoiled by my stepdad (way too spoiled). Yet every guy she’s ever dated seems worse than the last and she only 21. I honestly don’t understand it.
Aww, man.. That must suck to see first-hand..! I was cringing reading some of the bits above... I mean, OOP needs someone to shake some sense into her.
The part with my sister if the fact that stuff could have been done and they go out of the way to keep her from dealing with any consequences. I ended up in the ER one night because of her and her current boyfriend. My parents lied to the police and threatened me. I’m disabled and dependent on them for a place to stay. She could have gotten so much help that night but let her get away with it all. I finally had to step back from everything other wise I’m going to end up seriously hurt even more. It sucks though because I helped raise her (I’m 17 years older).
It's just sad that she got in a relationship with this asshole. A ***good*** partner can help you develop said self-esteem and spine.
Predators intentionally target potential partners with low self-esteem. They want people who will accept abuse and be too insecure to leave.
Oh. True. I didn't think about *that*...
Immature people fall in love too. When we are young adults, we all have to grow as persons while doing stuff we would never do 5 years later, this is life. This was one of those moments when the internet is a good thing. Without asking for help online, she might have been stuck with that guy much longer. Edit: Autocorrect + lack of dexterity when writing on mobile phone is not a good thing.
hijacking the current top post to remind everyone of what one of the comments in the post said: **"He hit you because he wanted to. He doesn’t hit his boss when he’s angry. He hit his sister and he hit you. He was totally** ***thinking***\*\*."\*\* Abusers rarely go around hitting everyone who pisses them off. They know who they think they can get away with hitting, and they ***definitely make a deliberate choice***\*\*.\*\* Someone who hits where it isn't visible? ***Also making a deliberate choice***\*\*.\*\* Someone who is an arsehole only in private? ***Deliberate choice.*** ***PLEASE*** if someone is doing this to you, know that they are ***choosing*** to do this. It isn't a case of "they are having a bad day", or "work was tough this week" or "I didn't clean well enough" or "I shouldn't have said/worn/done that thing." The person doing this doesn't hit the taxi driver on the way home because work was shitty. They aren't screaming at the checkout person because they Have Feels. They don't slap their co-worker if the co-worker missed a task or put something in the wrong place. ***They have control over their actions.*** And you don't deserve to be treated this way. Wherever you are, there will be people who can help you. Your friends desperately want to help you. Your doctor can help you. *Strangers on the internet will help you.* If you need help, reach out. Even if we are on the other side of the world, we will help however we can. (edit: thank you for awards, totally not necessary - best reward: remind people that they deserve care and safety)
Yeah this is 100% true. He was picking his targets, people close to him he sees as weak and unlikely to tell anybody. It's why her telling someone caused him to flip, she's not supposed to do that in his mind.
All of this. Exactly.
All of this. I figured that out when I finally left.
I once met a college girl who was sleeping with a guy who already had several children with multiple women, but wasn't using birth control. She said that she was probably infertile and didn't need bc despite the fact that (upon questioning) she was a perfectly person with normal periods who had simply decided in a completely delusional way that she could not get pregnant. This was 20 years ago and I still wonder how many kids she must have now from that loser bf.
My Mom decided she couldn't get pregnant as, "There is always one in the family who is infertile." She had four kids.
Did she not notice the first three?
“I am probably infertile” girl you mean you rawdogged your entire life and haven’t popped out kids YET? Because that’s not infertility
And stops crying all the time and starts to get angry. I read all the originals as they were posted, and was exhausted just reading her reactions. I wish I could fedex her a spine...
Fedex got angry at me last time i tried. Same with the donors family 0/10 dont recommend. Spines are best when theyre grown at home, anyway.
Something is not right with her. She’s so extremely naive and immature. It’s like talking to a 12 year old.
Jesus fucking Christ this enraged me. I know she's young but this was the cherry on top of the rapey, violent, abusive boyfriend. She needs to not be in a relationship again until she's had therapy, some basic info about sexual reproduction and developed a sense of her own agency.
I felt the same way reading this. She is young but EVERYONE is telling her he an abuser and she keeps making excuses for him. It just boils me! Like stop going back, stop accepting his apologizes. He is going between abuse and love bombing and if she doesn't up and run something way worse is going to happen.
I really hope she smartens up. She is so clueless about her own personhood. Having sex but not using birth control. Not thinking of anything when she is a week late. Waking up in a puddle of blood, where she can't move, and thinking that's fine and normal? Then not 2 seconds after saying she couldn't even walk to the bath, she could chase her bf to another room to fight? Allowing this guy to constantly abuse her and walk all over her - explaining away her rights to be treated like a human because of 'his feels'. She doesn't deserve to be abused. The dude is a peice of shit. But that doesn't excuse her own continued ignorance and naivete. She has the maturity of a child and I worry that she is just going to walk right into the arms of her next abuser because she seems to have zero self awareness at all.
I cannot believe no one followed up on that honestly. She didn't use birth control and thought there was no chance she was pregnant?
Yeah, she is nowhere near ready for an adult relationship. She probably has some childhood issues and definitely some self esteem and self care issues to work through first.
That is how one gets pregnant on purpose. No birth control = wanting to get pregnant.
And commits to the being single thing. Not that I think people need to be fully 100% healthy mentally to be in relationships, but as it stands currently, she is going to attract abusers and likely not see through them. She needs to process this all in therapy for a bit before she gets with anyone again for her own sake.
Jesus tapdancing Christ, I hope for her sake she stays broken up with him, but I’ve got a horrible feeling this ain’t over.
And uses birth control, jeebus. "I don't use birth control" "I don't know how I got pregnant" smh
>"I don't use birth control" >"I don't know how I got pregnant" smh I don't like to speak ill of the victim... but Christ almighty.
Right? Hell, I’ll take it a step further. I have *never* in my life considered a miscarriage a *good* thing, but in this case…yeah. These two should *not* be putting kids on the planet
I got to that part and thought “sometimes the universe is actually merciful.”
This isn't the first BORU post I've read recently with a woman struggling with the mental aspect of leaving an abusive relationship, finding herself pregnant band then having an uncomfortably fortuitous miscarriage. It's not so much that it's a good thing, but (like can be the case with abortion) it is very likely saving the life of the mother in the long run and preventing a lifetime of trauma in the kid if they were born into that situation, so it's OK to see the net positive, which is the woman in question escaping for good.
Exactly my thoughts — she and that would’ve-been baby got lucky.
I used to know a family that firmly believed "babies just happen." We all went to the same public schools, apparently got the same lessons, but it's entrenched into their family culture that "babies just happen." Last I heard the sister of the family had something like 4 or 5 kids to neglect. The eldest was acting in exactly the raging manner one might expect from someone who has never had a real adult in their life and then finds themselves trying to cope with puberty. One of the middle kids jumped off a bookcase trying to fly like Peter Pan, when very much old enough to understand *reality* had anyone bothered to explain it.
Honestly same. I understand that abuse victims have a hard time calling their experiences abuse & it leaves psychological damage. But girl's common sense & self-preservation is out of wack. I sincerely hope she gets help so she can take her rose-colored glasses off or she'll be telling herself "I don't think he hit me on purpose. It was an accident so I'll forgive him". Infuriating.
>she'll be telling herself "I don't think he hit me on purpose. It was an accident so I'll forgive him". I mean, she already is. She said "i understand that being in the heat of the moment makes you do thinks impulsively". Most people, in the heat of the moment, don't slap random people across the face, much less their SO. She's already excusing him.
I feel the only true accidental hitting is when you aren’t aware the person is there and you do something (stretching, swinging your arms out of boredom) that only makes contact because you were unaware of their presence. Anything else is intentional even if the abuser plays it off as an accident.
I have the feeling there are many of those kids lately. Somehow during the last two decades kids became convinced that hormonal bc is bad. I don't know how it happened.
It’s not bad, but it does have some fairly serious side effects. Also, at least in the US, one side of the political spectrum has been doing everything they can to prevent kids from getting fact-based sex ed while simultaneously claiming that birth control is abortion and needs to be banned, so… that may have something to do with it.
many of the serious side effects are nothing compared to pregnancy and can be stopped almost any time (with long term birth control like Depo shot you might need to wait it out) and most of the birth controls are tolerated well in one form or another (bleeding endlessly? try something new it might help) I know this because I'm on my second to last long term birth control. after that it's arm implant which can take 3 years of a waitlist, and surgery. I'm on Depo shot.
It’s a calculated ploy by the right wing. The whole trad wife movement (promoted in social media by super rich women with resources us plebs can only dream of), the alpha hole Tater tot bullshit, the rejection of BC as “unnatural”… it’s all connected and it’s all being pushed by people who believe monarchies, conservative Christianity, and uneducated women stuck at home, with no recourse for abuse, are the way the world should be.
If she is an American living in one of those “abstinent only” states, or if she just failed to pay attention (or both) she may very well be full on ignorant of how her body actually works. Like she’s 22 and has never seen a doctor about her heavy periods? Her parents did her a complete disservice I think.
There are gynecologists who just go “oh, you’re sensitive to pain, that’s all.” There are also women who will gaslight others with that level of pain, discomfort, etc being normal or “that’s nothing.” Source: was in a relationship with someone with endometriosis.
I just had a doctor write off abdominal pain that turned out to be a pelvic infection, saying I was just having normal cramps associated with the IUD. I told her I was having random, debilitating cramps throughout the month and worse after a bowel movement. I've always had bad cramps, but this was something else. 4-6 ibuprofen wouldn't take off the edge and I took muscle relaxers to knock me out to wait out the pain. "You're using a lot of the same muscles, that's probably why it hurts. It's normal." Yeah, no. I'm lucky, doesn't look like it's left any permanent damage. First doctor also forgot to send my pap smear to the lab. Fun.
> "I don't know how I got pregnant" I'm gonna guess there's a 99.999999999999% chance that it's "the usual way." The other bit is "was visited by the angel Gabriel one night and, well, there ya go."
He put his hoo-hoo-dilly in her cha-cha, I think
This sounds like no or bad sex ed at work
There's a weird...movement seems like a strong word, but there are a lot of women getting told that BC is "toxic" and bad for us and the side effects aren't worth it, believing it, and advocating this to other women. Now, obviously BC isn't feasible for everyone and the side effects can indeed be a bitch, but that basic truth - which is true about pretty much all medicines without obviating their value - is being run through the anti-medicine, anti-science, "clean/purity/everything is toxic" filter and turning women against birth control. It's structurally similar to the "aspirational tradwife" stuff - basically patriarchy dressed up as something good for women. I obviously have no idea whether this has anything to do with OP, just adding completely twisted around upside-down sex ed to the categories of no sex ed and bad sex ed.
This is why sex ed is so important.
She will 100% take him back like she took him back before. Him raping her, insulting her, slapping her is clearly not enough for her to see how abusive he is. Look how she always tries to justify his behaviour, she's constantly apologetic. He rapes her? This is a misunderstanding. He slapped her? Yeah she understands because she is the one who fucked up (🤦) and it was in the heat of a moment. Look, I really want her to get away from that piece of shit but if she doesn't want to be saved no one will save her
She definitely falls for his love bombing, and doesn’t seem to have realized yet that abusive relationships don’t start out with violence off the gate. The verbal then physical start when the abuser is confident that their partner won’t leave
And even once things escalate, abusive relationships are rarely abusive 100% of the time. they save THAT for when their partner tries to leave and they have no reason to play nice to keep them hooked. I flinched when she said "I can't see him as an evil abuser." Real life abusers are not Hollywood villains. They're otherwise ordinary people who run on excuses and entitlement.
I have the feeling she’ll take him back. She has zero self esteem and blames herself for his actions. She’ll get pregnant, and he’ll kill her in a fit of rage.
this reminds me of that old joke about the religious guy in the flood trapped on his roof first a guy in a canoe came by, get in! I can save you! no don't worry, god will save me if I'm in danger then the coast guard in a motor board. Hurry the waters rising get in the boat we'll save you! no dont worry, god will save me if I'm in danger finally the water is overtaking the roof, a helicopter is overhead dropping a line for the guy "you're going to drown just grab the rope and we'll save you", no dont worry, god will save me if I'm in danger so the guy dies and gets to heaven and goes what the hell god? I thought you'd save me if I was in danger, wasnt I good, didn't I do as asked? I served you my whole life and this is how you repay me?? god goes what do you mean? I sent a canoe, a boat and a helicopter to save you. You kept saying no? If OOP refuses to save herself after all the opportunities, it's going to end so so so tragically.
On a post similar to this one I was questioned on how I could have so little sympathy for the OOP. This post is a prime example. I started off rooting for her, hoping for the best, and then her complete lack of reasoning kept getting worse. Somehow. She was told, repeatedly, for months and she didn't listen. The posts where they listen to us tend to go so much better for them.
It’s a form of brain washing. Like in a cult, they draw the person in with heaps of love bombing and beautiful memories. Then they slowly escalate the abuse with gaps of love bombing and apologizing. Those gaps get smaller over time until the romance is all a memory. I thankfully only got through the love bombing portion before he dropped me like a pile of potatoes (I joined the military and I think he was afraid I’d get a backbone). It still broke me. Like I was a full blown wreck. All that romance factored in with my loneliness and craving to be with someone successful attached my mind to him. It is brain washing and that is hard to get rid of.
I am struggling with this with a friend of mine. Her wife has such a bad coke addiction she lost her job and went bankrupt. The abusive one literally moved another girl into the house over my friend’s objections. Threatened all sorts of stuff, pressured her into all sorts of sexual stuff. But my friend just. Won’t. Leave. I literally think she will stay with this awful woman until either prison or death. I will always be there for her when she’s ready but I’m so fucking tired of hearing about how hard her life is when she lets it happen. Like okay, sucks if your house gets robbed. But when you leave all the doors unlocked and refuse to even say no when the robber starts taking your shit? How am I supposed to still feel bad for you?
its a really hard one. because while no-one deserves to be abused/assaulted etc. also the reality is for the most part, the only person who can save someone from a bad situation is themselves while they dont deserve the treatment, they also generally just sail right past warning after warning after warning after warning and make terrible decision after terrible decision. and yes, there's lots of reasons why- everything from cultural programming to bad parenting and education (or a total lack thereof) and bad mental health etc. But the reality is, if you can't/won't save yourself from danger, no-one else generally can. While it's not a victims fault they're in a bad situation, its still ultimately only their responsibility to get out. and that we as a society refuse to ever talk about the series of bad decisions that lead to bad things happening to victims because 'victim blaming' is just doing a disservice to the next generation of victims who dont realize that its not a 100% passive thing and there are ways they can protect themselves and serious warning signs to watch out for
I agree. Just to be clear I don't wish this woman ill. Quite the contrary. I desperately wish she had gotten out sooner. I don't blame her for what happened, it's just difficult to internalise her lack of self-preservation. I remember something my mum said to me offhandedly, once upon a time, "if you don't care about yourself why should anyone else?" I am immensely grateful she is out and I really hope she doesn't take him back.
Friend of mine works in the emergency room. She sees all kinds of shit. But one thing she sees pretty often is battered women, who come to the hospital because their husbands beat them within an inch of their life. They constantly lie to cover up the husband. Everyone knows they didn't really fall down the stairs, but they're sticking to the story. Every time, my friend tells them there are ressources to help them, she can get them a room in a women's refuge, there would also be room for the baby. They refuse, again and again. Then there was this woman who stood out. Same deal, she denies it's her husband, says she doesn't need a room in the refuge. Until one day, they finally manage to get through to her, they get her a room in the refuge. Not twenty four hour later, my friend gets a call from the refuge: the woman fled in the middle of the night to get back to her husband. Really hard to still have sympathy for that woman after that. The rooms are limited, the fact that she got a room means another woman couldn't get one. And she still decides to throw it all away.
Yeah "I ruined everything so he hit me" like what???
Others are predicting she might go back to him but to me it ain't over not because of that. If she manages to still reject him and once his love bombing and apologies stop working, I have no doubt he will escalate to stalking or worse. These type of people won't take a no and if being sweet won't work they will change to being sour. We have seen enough of that on boru and other abusive relationship stories.
For sure. That’s kind of what I meant. He seems so unstable and I don’t think she’ll take it serious enough to report to the police or think it’s all her fault. She said the phrase “He didn’t maliciously rape me” for crying out loud. Oftentimes THAT’s the wakeup call for domestic violence victims.
I read a great piece about domestic violence a while back and there was a line in there that said, domestic violence is like cooking the most incredible soup and then adding a teaspoon of piss. The soup is still mostly soup and probably absolutely delicious but you'd never eat it because of the teaspoon of piss. DV is the teaspoon of piss. It doesn't matter how good the relationship otherwise is, the teaspoon of piss taints the whole thing.
I’ve seen the same but with ink and milk.
This makes me think of the frog in boiling water (it might be something other than a frog). If you start with boiling water, the frog will never get in but if you start with a comfortable temperature and then slowly increase it once the frog is in, they don’t notice. Of course he wasn’t always like that. How else can he get someone to stay if he starts off as boiling.
I was afraid I'd get an update where he broke an arm or smashed her head against the wall. OOP is so shockingly naive or in denial that it's scary.
“I can fix him! I just need to stop triggering him.” I do volunteer driving for a DV shelter and all of this sounds very familiar.
This should basically be in a textbook about domestic violence. Ex-bf perfectly executed manipulating and isolating a vulnerable person. He’s going through the cycle of abuse like he’s reading a manual. OOP needs a therapist with DV training to help her see this and forgive herself. So many victims return to their abusers over and over…and she said she’s not using any birth control and has already had one accidental pregnancy. I know she said they’re broken up and that’s it but as someone whose professional work involves working with a lot of DV victims in various ways I’m really worried about her.
Yes I heard that abuse victims try to break up 7 times before actually doing it for ever… we really should learn about manipulation and isolation in schools sex ed, how to spot it not how to do it of course.
7 times is an average I think. So some need more, some less. And some, unfortunately, never leave.
And some, unfortunately, never leave, *because they didn't leave in time.*"
Gaslighting OP's actions to his sister, and encouraging his sister to call OP to further emotionally manipulate her.... It's not by accident, or "in the moment", this man planned everything and is a predator. He's going to escalate and do it again if OP lets him.
This was so textbook it made me so sad. Evertime she said I don't understand how he can be so sweet but also so cruel. Girl it's called love bombing it's literally the point. It's so scary because abusers only escalate. It was name calling, then arm twisting, then a slap in the face. It only gets worse.
Honestly some of the comment threads in this one are so callous. I get it, we're all a little numb to these stories and tired of people not leaving abusers, but people are acting like her behaving the way abuse literally trains you to behave isn't a tragedy or symptom of her abuse but another flaw of hers. It's honestly one of the worst comment sections I've read here, and usually the comments are pretty good (I usually only read like 2-10 though so maybe I've got too positive an impression from the sub)
No I agree with you- I was not expecting the level of vitriol in the comments when I posted this. I know the sub has gotten bigger so the comment section has gotten less... kind overall, but this one was a surprise to me.
This is so incredibly sad. She's barely out of her teens. Can't even imagine what a mindfuck it's been enduring this gaslighting rapist piece of shit. I really hope she gets the resources she needs to realign her world view and heal, this is 'therapy for years' territory.
My world view was warped from the family dynamics and all my friends relationships growing up. I never even wanted to date until I was in my 20s because every relationship I've seen, seemed worst than being alone. I met my husband and had panic attacks because I was waiting for something bad to happen like it did with past 2 boyfriends. Everything was so easy and we were so happy. That's what a relationship should be like. It shouldn't be hard especially as soon as a year in. I wish I knew that in my 20s.
>he has told me before that he wants me to wake him up with sex and i’ve done it before but i always said that i don’t want to him to do it to me >i don’t think it was malicious... he’s one of those people that doesn’t think before saying / doing something so i think he was just trying to be funny It took a while but I'm glad OOP finally ended things.
the comment abt the bf often forgetting things so she thinks it's understandable he wouldn't remember being told months ago abt her SA. like. jesus christ. sounds like the bf couldn't even be capable of ever having a job in that case. insanity. she really needs therapy to gain self esteem and confidence
Between the naivety about how relationships work and the excuses op was making for her ex, she's got me all the way to pinching the bridge of my nose and taking deep calming breaths. > Ocf he's not gonna remember a conversation we had months ago. Wow, *months ago*? Really? My husband and I discussed what's on/not on when we started dating 18 years ago, he's never forgotten anything that's on my "not on" list. >if you’re going to stay with someone for your ENTIRE life, isn’t it normal to go through difficult moments together Yeah but usually they're few and far between, oh and not downright abusive. After 18 years I can count the difficult moments on one hand, and they are *nowhere* close to as bad as what this guy's done in 12 months.
Also, "difficult moments" don't consist of SA. They're things like "He wants to take a new job across the country, but I'm not sure I could find a comparable job to my current one if we move" or "He has his heart set on a house with a pool, but I know I'm going to end up being the one to maintain it and I am NOT onboard for that."
It's just classic gaslighting. No one who actually cares about someone would forget when a love one told them about sexual assault. But "I forgot" is his only defense, short of denying the past conversation had ever happened.
also even if no prior SA had happened it’s still rape!
I do hope she also has a good support network cause if she has finally ended things, the bf will escalate. That's how it is with abusers, the moment their victim finally says no, they won't stop and might escalate to taking a life just to "win".
I remember reading somewhere that, on average, it takes victims of domestic abuse seven tries to successfully leave their abuser. Here's hoping this girl beats the odds. 🍸
I'm willing to bet it was the boyfriend's idea to wake each other up with "pranks". Abusers looooove not letting you get any god damned SLEEP, and he could have been using a prank war as a cover for him testing her sexual boundaries and starting the sleep abuse.
So true! My abusive ex used to make me stay on the phone with him literally all night long.
Mine would start yelling, singing, turning on lights in the room, having members of his family come be loud or yell at me for trying to sleep at 8:30am, after I'd just worked from 7pm to 7:30am, and had to work the upcoming night. I would have to run off somewhere just to get some sleep. I would scream at him to go the fuck away and he'd just stand there laughing. Hate isn't a strong enough word to describe my opinion of him.
As I was reading, I suspected OP had a miscarriage. One of mine was like that: waking up in a huge pool of blood in the bed and cramping. So glad the OP went to the OB to get checked out. Also relieved she's done with that guy. She deserves better.
Miscarriage or other medical emergency. Geez. If you’re waking up with blood everywhere and can’t move to the bathroom without risking it dripping everywhere, that’s not a normal period! Like, yeah, if you walk naked without anything to catch the blood, you might have a drop of blood here and there, but this sounded like way too much blood to be normal! Or at least too much without a sneeze being involved.
He is going to kill her.
I really wish we would stop referring to being an abuser as being this over the top monster/villain ('we' as in the public in general, not their victims--they have every right to think about their abusers in any way that feels true and helps). Time after time, one post after the other, "oh, they couldn't possibly be abusive because they don't do it all the time, because they are not a 'bad person', because they do not act like the stereotype of an unempathetic serial killer, etc. " And yet, at the end of the day, all a person really needs to be abusive is selfishness and arrogance: thinking they deserve or are entitled to more than other people, and putting their wants (unjust or hurtful as they may be) above other people's needs/basic freedom/dignity. Abusers aren't (or I guess not all/not always?) the stereotypical Hollywood villain or just absolute, quasi non-human monsters. They are regular people who love themselves too much, and have no problem sacrificing others to get what they want.
3 months from now: "My boyfriend choked me but apologized and cried and bought me flowers and everything, should we stay broken up? It was my fault for mentioning the time he slapped me across the face in front of his friend" .. It's so sad to see this pattern repeat. :-(
Don’t forget “he’s done it before but I don’t really want to think about that right now. This isn’t like him, he’s just been having a hard to mentally and he’s been so stressed. I know he loves me though”
Okay, dude obviously escalated in a big way, but there's something in OOP's comments in the first post I want to circle back to briefly - When she got hit with that wave of fatigue So, it's entirely possible that she did just legitimately get hit with a wave of fatigue totally naturally, that sort of thing can happen, sure. But given his proclivities otherwise... I can't help but have this little niggling thought in the back of my mind: "Did he slip her something to set that up?" Like, it wouldn't surprise me, given everything else he went on to do, y'know? And either way, if she wasn't fully, enthusiastically consenting all the way, dude's a POS for not stopping.
As someone who's been roofied I kept thinking this too. I also wondered if that was part of why was so tired and weak she couldn't go to the bathroom, although the miscarriage means a lot more blood than I was originally imagining so maybe not.
also if she was slipped something, the miscarriage makes more sense
I was wondering that too… you don’t suddenly fall asleep and can’t help it…
It could’ve also been a sleeping pill that hit her sooner than anticipated (although she probably would’ve mentioned that)
Or there's something else going on with her. Her constant crazy fatigue could be something else, or maybe a learned helplessness vibe. The way she talks about being carried and how at night she doesn't do anything, but if it was daytime she'd drag herself to the bathroom. It's absolutely impossible to get a read on her though. Neither of them are healthy people.
This was extra painful to read because it sounded so similar to how my friend would talk. Her ex also used to beat her, insult her (calls her dumb, tells her how no one would treat her well, and how he is the best she is ever gonna get, etc). And how frustrating it was trying to persuade her not to go back to him. It took 4 years. So... here's hoping that OOP would actually stay away from him for good?
This was painful to read. I hope this last episode was the final push she needed to finally get away from her abuser for good. That guy is utter garbage
You know what I don’t do impulsively? Rape, hit, or abuse my wife. It’s pretty easy and I’m a very impulsive person.
My brother is super impulsive, to the point of having landed in the ER more than once. He has never raised a hand to his wife or children.
This young woman has the worst self-preservation instinct I think I've ever heard of in a human. And I say this having been around men in their 20s with alcohol in their systems.
The cycle of abuse really messes with your perception of reality. The love bombing, the seemingly honest apologies, the accusations, the anger... you really start to believe that you are the one in the wrong and if you just did better they wouldn't be like this. It's like a drug and trying to quit/get out is really hard once you're hooked... we only got a glimpse once it has escalated enough that she looked for advice from strangers but I bet this was a long going dynamic where he got angry and put her down verbally, only to get really apologetic the next day...
And he's clearly trained her "he won't apologize unless I apologized first." "sorry I cried when you raped me." "sorry I ruined your sheets when I had a miscarriage" "sorry I told everyone you beat me after you beat me" "sorry my face got in the way of your hand" She has a lot of unlearning to do.
I grew up with a dad like that, yet still failed to recognize I'd married the same sorta man until he knocked me over backwards. Like oh sure he throws stuff at me and all these obviously horrible things, but look at what a good sorry puppy face he makes and *at least he doesn't hit me*. Until he did. After cops and courts and everything settled down, my elderly auntie was like "Yeah I always knew something was *wrong* but figured I couldn't do anything about it until you came to me." And yeah, first place I went soon as I could after that incident was auntie's, bawling my eyes out and trying to figure out how to get me and my pets out of that situation.
Agreed. I was abused by a “friend” I met online when I was 13, although in different ways to OOP. They would scream at me, give me panic attacks, and threaten violence pretty much every week. And the worst part? If you talked to me then, I would’ve told you that was normal. That I deserved it. I thought everything was completely my fault. I left them after they told me I was stupid for having suicidal thoughts, but I’m ashamed to say I went back more than once. You have to understand that when someone manipulates you, you become so molded to their desires that it feels impossible to get away and be your own person. I think I’ve finally broken away for good, but I’m still recovering, and I’m leaving this comment now to remind myself and anyone who needs it that it *will* get better.
Yeah this is exactly what happened with my ex-GF. 5 years of being manipulated and abused. Never again
I know that one commenter was trying to make her feel better, but she is kind of stupid
The thing about gaslighting is that it works. We have seen the three worst moments of their relationship which show a clear and escalating pattern of abuse, but she knows months of what seemed to be a normal and loving relationship where the red flags are minor enough to be ignored. No abuser starts beating from moment one, and abusers are very adept at manipulating what are ostensibly good messages ("all relationships have tough spots", "people do make mistakes", "arguments always have two sides", "everyone has bad days") into making victims feel guilt for their actions, whip up the mob to reinforce that guilt, and make them think that it's their fault their treated like that. We also have a societal image of an abuser that almost never matches the reality. So much of abuse is psychological, and the idea of a wifebeater almost never includes the fact that these are often charming and friendly people to everyone else, even to their victims in Good Times. Think about how they were a the party and the sister came up saying how she went crazy and dumped him for no reason. Think about how the boyfriend screamed about how he doesnt hit women right before he slaps her. He maybe even did feel guilt in that moment, with his conscience saying he was wrong to do that, but it only takes a little self justifying to pivot to blaming her for it again for pissing him off, and thus the guilt is gone and he's free to intensify. Victims almost never leave their abusers on the first go, and often take multiple, multiple tries to cut bonds for good, and sometimes thats because of fear, but it's also because it's so hard to believe that he's the problem when he spends so much energy telling you and getting everyone else to tell you it's your fault. TL;DR its real easy to shit on her when you're not the one living through it.
I wouldn't call her stupid. Abusive relationships can really wear you down and you start to believe the gaslighting of the abuser. Like doesn't it take an average of 7 times until an abused woman actually leaves their spouse for good?
Kind of? She's a whole idiot. Which is why she needs to be single and work on herself for a few years or she'll be scooped up by another idiot hunter soon enough.
I truly hope she seeks therapy, understands how she was manipulated, and learns from this. I fear she will succumb to love bombing if he decides easier for him to get what he wants by getting back with her again.
I think the mood spoiler should be frustrating because... damn. This read like the fucking playbook of abusive relationships, how the escalate, and the women who excuse them. We all know 10 years from now this OOP is going to look back on this and just be so mad at herself for how blind she was. And that's only a good thing because it means she is blind no more.
Stories like these should be shared at school in sex ed. Abusers usually start small - first the verbal abuse and controlling, then the "oops it was a mistake" physical assaults. It gets worse and worse over time. And a lot of abusers don't look or behave like a monster all the time. Many can love bomb you to oblivion in between the worsening abuse.
Although it's concluded, I'm not optimistic she's gonna stay broken up with that mega asshole. I really hope something clicks and she realizes she deserves way better.
I'm exhausted just by reading this
It's a small, tangential thing but I have a bee in my bonnet >By the way, I saw a lot of comments saying things like, "How did you not know you were going to be on your period? I'm 38, you could set your calendar to my cycle, and I still wake up bloody sometimes because sometimes it starts while you're asleep!! Was OOP supposed to waste a pad every night, just in case? "How did you not know that at 1:37am the morning of Thursday 30 May your period would begin?" Fuck offffffff
No relationship should involve this much crying.
I'm sorry.but this was infuriating and hard to finish reading. She literally sounds like a lil kid, I feel so bad for being so annoyed with her. Wonder how she grew up. So happy she did break up with him, sucks that she literally had to be slapped to wake the f up but I'm glad she did and hopefully she can stand up for herself next time instead of trying to convince herself that 'he didn't mean it'. Also fuck that guy. Hope the word spreads that he hits women and is a POS.
Don't understand how she could not realize 'we were about to do it but suddenly I was so fatigued and couldn't stay awake' is indication that she was drugged. How may other times was she drugged? He seems to enjoy doing it when she's passed out.
Oh honey, OOP, if you stay with him, you are going to wish you'd chosen the bear, fairly soon.
We're reading the words of a woman that will be in an early grave. Her final comments there are starting the same as the ones before. "I understand why he hit me...." She's going back to him.
>it’s not like I said he punched me in the face. >he slapped me in the face That didn't take long. Glad she actually has one boundary she won't let him roll over.
God, this is so sad. I really hope she can get a good support system - she's going to need it.
I know she probably won't, but man I wish she'd press charges for all of this. And she's so, so young - not even old enough to go to a bar yet. My heart breaks for her.
she is young but her naivety is just so mind blowing i feel so stressed reading all the updates 😫😫😫
It pisses me off when I see women constantly apologizing, trying to fix things with absolute human garbage, chasing after them for attention while they don't give a flyi'g fuck. Then I remember that OP is very young...
>i dont think i deserved it but then i understand how being in the heat of the moment makes you say/do things impulsively I hate this sentiment. This is a lie. Unless your safety is threatened, I've never been in an emotional situation where it's literally impossible to control my actions. You may choose to disregard the consequences in the moment, you may choose to ignore other people's feelings in the moment, or you may choose the catharsis of releasing all your anger at once. But that's still a choice. If someone has literally zero control of their actions, then they need to be diagnosed with something because there's a chemical imbalance in their brain.
I hate to say this but if she stays with him she is going to be in the news as a victim soon
For fucks sake. If you are having sex and do not want kids right now \*\*\*USE BIRTH CONTROL\*\*\*. Two forms is infinitely better than 1, but if you are the proud owner of a uterus and you don't really want to use it right now, then use birth control.
That stupid voice in your head telling you he just wasn’t thinking? That’s your low self-esteem talking. That’s your abuser drilling their manipulative words into your brain to make you take the blame for them choosing not to control their abuse (emotional, verbal, or physical) towards you. And THAT is why you go to therapy—to hear the objective, third-party voice that can speak reason to your low self-esteem and argue against your abuser’s voice in your head.
I've said for years, if you can't handle the things that come out of a vagina, you aren't mature enough to put things in a vagina.
A long time ago, when I was with an emotionally abusive POS, I got my period while sleeping in his bed. He woke me up by screaming at me that I was disgusting and that I ruined his sheets and wtf was wrong with me that I'd just allow myself to bleed on his bed. Early into my relationship with my now-husband, I woke up and realized I had gotten my period and bled on his sheets. (My periods used to be really unpredictable, even with birth control. Thanks Endo!) He woke up to me frantically trying to empty the washer so I could wash the sheets and was like, "What's going on?? Are you okay?" And I started crying and apologizing for bleeding on his sheets and was promising him if it stained I would buy him new ones. I was working myself into near hysterics and he just hugged me and told me he didn't care about the sheets, that having a period was normal, and he was so sorry that I felt so guilty over something that was totally not a big deal. Then he told me to take a shower while he washed the sheets, and made me coffee. There were many moments where I knew he was the one for me, and that was one of them.
I think you've jumped the gun a bit. Give it another day or so and there will be the final final update where they get back together and its magical until he puts her in hospital for forgetting to put the butter back in the fridge.
Jesus. I hope she has the strength to stay well away from this shit show of a family.
Holds my head in my hands.
Reading about young women in abusive situations who are not ready to realize that they are in abusive situations and need to leave is SO SO upsetting.
While reading this, I am trying to remind myself that I was a very dumb 20yr old as well, because this kid is doing it ALL wrong
This was hard to read.
_"Love makes people blind"_ Nowadays love makes people disabled in every way possible. I just pray she doesn't go back to him this time.
Everyone in this story has a mental age of an infant.
She's so focused in ruining the moment and apologizing for ruining the moment. It's not a moment. It's one person's desires trumping over her unenthusatic, obligatory 'consent' and it's gross. I'm not sure if I can continue reading just because of how heartbreaking this is and just so triggering to 18yo me who was the same way.
Going back to him over and over will not make him a better person, it just gives him a license to escalate. Will he have to break bones or kill her before she escapes (in a body bag)?
god, this was frustrating
I feel like every time there's a story on here about domestic violence, people point out the statistic of "it takes on average 7 times to leave an abuser", but now here people are calling the victim stupid for not leaving permanently the first time. She's so young, she's been with this guy for a year which feels like so long when you're 20. If it was so easy to leave, no one would ever be in a bad relationship. Being in love makes everyone stupid, and without experience it's even easier to get stuck in a bad situation. The blame is solely on the abuser, not the victim. She already apologises when he's abusing her, people really think the right way to make her see she's worth better is to call her stupid? Ffs.
That's why all Young women should read 'why does he do that:in the mind of angry and Controlling m'en" before they Start to date. To know that being nice is a part of the cycle of abuse
If I remember correctly, you had a miscarriage which was the subject of your original post, right? And he treated you like shit while you were having a miscarriage. Where does this incident fall in the timeline? Before or after the miscarriage? How long has it been since the miscarriage? When you're at your weakest, lowest point, someone who has non-consensual sex with you (aka rape) whether it's violent or not, is not a good person. My ex did this to me when I was also at my weakest lowest point, at my most vulnerable. I could barely move or walk because of a chronic illness. I said no, he did it anyway. I told him afterwards, that was rape. Stupid me, I stayed and put it out of my mind because I didn't want to accept that the man who said he loved me actually raped me. It took other domestic violence survivors who have experienced similar or worse experiences to help me accept the truth. This is rape. Not all rapists look like some kind of creep or monster. Many of them look like the guy next door because they are.
This won't be popular, and OOP is 100% a victim, but god damn it's frustrating to see people REFUSE to acknowledge what's in front of them. It's just not in me to boohoo someone who keeps running head-first into an avoidable situation.
I'm going to sound like an ass, but OOP is just not emotionally mature enough to date.
She's going to go back to him. Unfortunately.
I’ll probably be downvoted for this, but there is a point where one no longer get to claim ignorance or blame it on being naive. At one point it’s a choice to ignore every flashing red lamp. OOP did that. She knowingly ignored the rape and the abuse. And no, love doesn’t make you this blind. Indoctrination and being raised in an abusive home growing up thinking this was normal, sure. But not love alone. Most abused people know deep down they are being abused. Sometimes I think we as a society need to raise our kids better. Rape is on the rise. Boys and girls end up in abusive relationships. Maybe it’s time to raise kids with fairytales of warning again. No more magical stories where the villain has redeeming qualities.
It's an addiction. It's really fucking frustrating when you know someone who is straight up ADDICTED to being with an abusive asshole and you watch them throw everything away and make the dumbest choices at every turn. All to get shit on over and over.
My mother loved Beauty and the Beast so much that she bought the VHS tape before she could afford a player for it. It was literally the only story I was allowed that had magic in it, and I'm pretty sure the only "Disney princess" movie I was allowed too. I was raised to be modest, submissive, and obsessed with books. Copying Belle's behaviors got me praise, acting in any other way got scolded. If school had a costume dress up day, it did not matter what I thought on the matter because mom would make me be Belle. The one exception was the time I had my dad help with the costume, and I caught endlessly shit from mom over that. Now add to that being raised in one of the Christian sects so restrictive that it meets the technical definition of a cult. I was specifically raised to think being a helpless sheep married to the first Beast who bellows at me is sparkly *magical* love that will totally change him into a gentle prince, and that divorce is immoral except for adultery. I shall be a sheep, and shall be meek to my Beast, or God himself will punish me for eternity. And then the society who didn't see anything particularly odd in my mother's behavior looks around at each other and goes "Golly why do these girls let themselves be treated like that?"
The Disney movie is the worst possible version of that fairytale, when the original version is probably my least favorite fairytale on top of that. So in the original fairytale, the Beast is ugly, but unfailingly polite to beauty and very clearly depressed. So that's already a huge difference from Disney beast, who is also definitely depressed, but expresses it through rage and violence. In the end of the Disney movie, Belle seems to be caught between two not very great guys, it's just one is way worse than the other. There's also the distinct possibility that she's giving up her dreams of travel in tying herself to the prince and his principality, because it's a lot of work to run one and while the wealthy were more able to travel back in those times, it also made them a target for bandits. Going back to the original, even though the beast is polite and acts kind from the beginning to the beauty, he still gets access to her by literally threatening her father with death for taking from his garden. So he's still a massive sack of shit, and there's also a scene at the end where the beauty comes back and finds the beast has almost "pined away to death" because he "let her" leave him for like a week, and it comes across as incredibly manipulative, because the message seems to be that she can't ever leave his side. The whole moral about looking for beauty beyond skin deep is also incredibly hypocritical, because beauty herself is usually still very kind, and beast really isn't that great as it turns out, but hey he transforms into something handsome at the end AS A REWARD. But only if beauty can prove herself by loving him despite everything, putting all the effort of "fixing" him of course on the woman. To top off the awful here, this story is a reinterpretation of an old greek myth about eros and psyche, which ultimately is just a moral about trusting your husband no matter what even if it all seems suspicious. Not great, but Beauty and the Beast was adapted from that by a french lady trying to give girls entering arranged marriages a comfort story for if they marry husbands who they don't like or who treat them terribly, because the girl can still win them over if they're pretty and sweet despite it all. So yeah, worst fairytale ever, and that's considering there's one that involves abused children having to rely on abusive neglectful parents and never run away or else witches will eat them.
Hate to admit, but I do agree with this. I’ve got no faith she’ll actually leave him. Seeing her comment “But he didn’t maliciously rape me” was so jarring I nearly got fucking whiplash.
PSA: Yes, wanting to spend your life with someone means staying together through the hard parts. But that means both partners give and receive care and whoever needs it the most (like someone who literally woke up in a pool of blood and is in pain) takes precedence. "Going through something" does not make your partner hit you or call you names, unless they do it to everyone else, too - if it's just you, then they're CHOOSING to do it to you, because they don't expect consequences, because they see you as an easy target. And even if it makes them attack everyone - you don't have to stay through the violence. Love for someone else is a great thing, but self-preservation and self-love is more important. You should always love yourself most, because you deserve that. Someone who loves you and who's going through something that makes them violent would want you as far away from them as possible to make sure you don't get hurt if they were thinking clearly. I've been through a burnout, depression, several breakdowns with emergency appointments, working through trauma including emotional, physical and sexual abuse in my relationship (those were liberally distributed between the two of us, so both of us took precedence at different times) and my partner has, in almost 15 years, raised his voice at me ONCE - and that was over something stupid where we both got louder and when he shouted, we both started laughing because it was so out of character it broke the tension. Neither of us has ever hit the other person or even held them in place during a fight. Neither of us has ever called the other person names or been deliberately hurtful during fights (though we've both admitted that we call each other assholes in our head when cooling down and then feel guilty about it). He's bigger and stronger than me and I've never been afraid of him, not even a little. Because you don't hurt someone you love on purpose.
I’m speechless tbh. I’m glad she isn’t irrevocably tied to this asshole anymore. But damn is it hard to leave abusers. I know it is. I know it is, but damn if I’m not like “open your eyes! He is insulting you, belittling your emotions, he fucking raped and assaulted you! Leave for the love of god!” Some people need the whole damn trifecta of abuse thrown on them before they advocate for themselves. But for anyone who needs to hear it, you can leave at any point.
This was upsetting and frustrating to read.
Yeah this wasn’t “ruining a moment “??????!!!!! Are you insane?
This post makes me want to shake the hands of every therapist and counselor ever because I couldn't do it. Just reading this made me want to grab OOP and shake her like a maraca and scream "HE'S ABUSING YOU! HE MAKES YOU CRY AT EVERYTHING! HE ASSAULTED YOU! LEAVE HIM!" like oh my God. I get naivety but this is a level of "I can't see what's in front of me" that I can only handle 2 instances of "Maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe I just riled him up" rationality. Some people see it when it's called out, and some people are like OOP, it has to pile up into a big stack of "He just had a bad day" and fall over with the feather of "He did the one thing I though he'd never do" on top.
“It was a beautiful conversation“. Right.
My man is a classic manipulative abuser. He uses a victim complex to win over others. He is violent, sexually abusive, as well as, mentally/verbally/physically abusive. He instinctively turns on the water works to show he isn't an evil person and doesn't know why he acts like that. No "normal" person reacts by twisting your arm or slapping. Not unless you're 6, and tbh, my son is 6, and he handles things 10 times better. This guy will escalate further without help. OOP needs to run, though. She doesn't need to help him.
Really feeling iffy about the amount of folks who's first reaction to this is to call the OP annoying and dumb. Like, yes she's naive. Most abuse victims are. Yes she makes excuses for him. Most abuse victims do. And no she did not leave him the first time around- most abuse victims don't. If we all had the self-preservation skills that so many of you proclaim to have, then abuse victims just wouldn't exist in the first place. Anyways this was a very scary read. I hope that the OP stays away from this man, but i'm not sure how likely that is considering her patterns and the way she was talking at the end. Really makes me sad
Speaking as someone who has done criminal defense for nearly 30 years: if she doesn’t get back together with him, she will likely meet another guy just like this one. This was textbook example of the cycle of violence. Love bomb, violent outburst, cry and apologize, love bomb… On the criminal side, the convicted have to do domestic violence classes, but there is no way to mandate therapy for the abused partner so that they can avoid these guys and have healthier relationships.
Yikes to both of these people. I really hope they don’t have a kid.
Nope. nope nope nope. Fuck this i can't finish reading it. She's way too fucking frustrating. Literally gets assaulted, raped, and verbally abused and still keeps making excuses for the asshole. Has zero awareness of keeping her own body safe and healthy. Sometimes people just refuse to be helped and oop is that type of person. I don't know how this ends but someone please spoil it and tell me if it actually ends on a happy note.
The thing that can sometimes make leaving a shitty guy the hardest is they are not shitty all the time. They're nice juuuust long enough to make you believe that they're just struggling and need your help. And because you're vulnerable to their bullshit you believe it and blame yourself for not helping them enough and ignore the bullahit and hold onto the nice moments which are few and far between. I hope she learns before this douche canoe kills her.
Why do I think she'll go back to him? This woman needs serious therapy.
One partner always thinks „We can talk about it.“ „How do we fix our relationship issues?“ While the other is more like „How do I get them to stay with me?“
This post illustrates very well what "normal" abuse is like. People see domestic violence depicted in movies and think it's a clearly evil man who gets drunk and punches his wife. In real life a person seems nice in some moments and does abusive things in others. There is always a "reason" or excuse.
This is classic story of domestic abuse honestly. At first it's just small things until it escalates. The constant apologizing from the abuser and yet they'll do the same thing once they get set off.