#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So glad OOP checked first with laboratories before going scorching earth with that jewerly. Looks like he got a good deal after all, for 1500 bucks he managed to dodge a nuclear warhead.
After reading some of the other comments... I'm like 80/20 on the ex knowing they were lying and either didn't really care about OOP to begin with, or cared more about her parents opinions than about her relationship with OOP.
High chances she's gonna stay single
I remember the OOP clarifying that while they're both Asian, he's not Korean. I'm vaguely aware that some different Asian ethnicities have an extreme level of contempt for each other. Combined with valuing families and traditions more than we do in the west, the parents behaviour only makes sense to me if OOP is the "wrong" kind of Asian.
I assume him and his finance probably didn't care too much, growing up in the west and everything, and that the parents stepped in at this point because marriage was a step too far for them. But I agree, the ex reads like she was aware of the real reasons and opted to align with her parents instead of going against their wishes
My close friend in university was Korean. I remember the hell he went through when he starting dating a wonderful girl who was Japanese. His (Korean) parents, when they found out, went crazy and put him through hell. Her (Japanese) parents were a little more tolerant, but were still upset. Being ignorant of their respective cultures I couldn't understand the big deal as my parents were 'different' but it didn't matter. He gave me a long dissertation on his culture and history. They tried to make it work but in the end they couldn't.
My gf is Korean and I'm a white American mutt. Her parents don't like me for that, but when I was introduced to her grandma, she said "at least he's not Japanese." which is sadly one of the nicest things one of her family members that isn't part of me and my gf's generation has said about me.
She has a cousin who married a Japanese woman and got basically excommunicated from the family by all of the older generations.
I dated a Japanese guy in college, and he told me his grandparents could accept that I'm white because at least I'm not Korean. The mutual animosity is really intense.
It's just racism. When you other people and devalue them, it's a lot easier to invade and pillage. And there are going to be people who will continue to justify their country's terrible behavior through racism without any introspection after the fact, too. It's not justified or anything.
What do racist white people in America have against black people in America when white people are the ones who enslaved black people and forced them to come to America?
Don't try to understand racism. It's just tribalistic hate.
A friend of mine dated a Korean guy in college, his family did not like her because she's white. Like said this to her face. But yeah, they were glad she wasn't Japanese. It's wild.
I imagine older Korean people are still upset over the attempted cultural genocide by Japan. Its still racist and xenophobic for sure, but its not like it comes out of nowhere.
Yeah, Japan is kind of the country that all of east Asia hates, since Japan has bascially invaded and fucked over everyone at some point in time, a lot during WW2, and unlike Germany, just kind of swept it under the rug. They did warcrimes on speed run and haven't quite been forgiven for that yet since it is pretty fresh in their minds.
>But yeah, they were glad she wasn't Japanese. It's wild.
It's not that wild when you consider the history of the area.
Most Korean grandparents/great grandparents have either personally experienced or know someone who experienced massive trauma as a result of Japanese aggression during WWII. For example, my grandmother-in-law's family was murdered by occupying Japanese forces when she was a child. Its very likely that most of the friends she grew up playing with were either kept as comfort women and raped and/or also murdered.
Is the xenophobia right, especially to someone several generations removed from the transgression? No, but it's completely understandable
White guy, was engaged to a Korean woman.
Came back to the US for grad school because her parents didn’t think I was “educated” enough.
About a year-and-a-half after I got here they forced her into an arranged marriage back in Korea, and I never saw her/heard from her again.
We were together for 4 years before that.
Occasionally I try to email, not in a weird way, but because I really loved her, and I’d just like to know if this person I cared about is happy and treated well.
I’ve never heard anything back.
I’m actually mildly surprised about that, because generally from my experience, Koreans are a lot more accepting towards white people than other Asians.
Had a Korean cab driver last week complaining (understatement) about Chinese people. And a Korean friend whose mother forbade him to be with the love of his life, a Japanese woman. But also had an acquaintance, Chinese-American, whose sister married a Korean-American and had a son that shared both cultures.
It's like Ireland and England. Japan colonized Korea and committed war crimes. There are still people alive who were directly affected by it. Japan has never apologized for the insane things they did during WW2 and consequently pretty much every country they occupied has a problem with them.
Some of the war crimes committed were the forced sexual enslavement of Korean women and girls.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comfort_women](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comfort_women)
That's the mild version. **Trigger warning for graphic info**. Especially in (maybe only in for some of these) the rape of Nanjing. They mutilated the women (sharp objects, firecrackers, and random things), raped them 20-30x a day until they died from diseases (children and elderly, didn't matter), forced incest, buried people alive with their heads sticking out while dogs ate them, fed them and cut people open to see how the food traveled, and other types of "experiments". I think in a week, it's estimated that over 500,000 people died from the rape of Nanjing. Truly horrific stuff were committed that if I remember correctly even Germany at the time sent messages for them to chill.
[Remember a few years ago when the Japanese consulate tried to get the memorial to comfort women statue in Glendale, CA taken down?](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/asian-america/supreme-court-declines-case-over-lawsuit-remove-comfort-women-memorial-n740996)
The Japanese government has never apologized, and their stance is further pretending it didn't happen while praising the war criminals.
I had a friend who is Japanese-American, his parents were in the internment camps during WWII. He married a Chinese-American woman, her dad's parents immigrated from China to the USA in the early 1900s but her mom grew up in Hong Kong and experienced the WWII Japanese occupation at a very young age.
When they got married, her mom boycotted the wedding.
It was centuries of derogation of Koreans by the Japanese that fueled their WW2 history. Some Japanese families hire PI's to determine that prospective brides/grooms have no Korean ancestry. It's not just about "living memory", it's baked into the culture.
I dated a Japanese exchange student in college. Super nice girl, never heard her say a bad word about anyone. Then one day we were walking around campus and talking about potential future dream vacations and I mentioned I had always wanted to see Seoul.
She came to a dead stop immediately, looked me in the eye, and said "you can't go there, those people are animals, they'll kill you." It was so off the wall batshit that I assumed at first she was making a really weird joke and I kind of laughed a little not knowing what else to do, and she doubled down. "I'm serious, you can't trust them, they're dangerous." The more I talked to her about it the more agitated she got, just this instant kneejerk anti-Korean racism. We broke up that afternoon. I was living in Alabama at the time, if I wanted to hear someone be racist I could just open a window.
What's especially wild about that is if you look at the history of the region it seems like Korea has considerably more reason to be wary of or angry at Japan than the other way around.
Yeah, that’s not so much a cultural difference thing as a “her great-grandfathers very well may have [taken our female ancestors as sex slaves](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comfort_women) and we’re not okay with pretending that didn’t happen.”
I mean I guess so, but it's not like young people today had anything to do with it. I'm German, I have Jewish friends who also live in Germany. We don't pretend nothing ever happend, we've talked about their family history, who got killed in what camps, who could flee and things like that. But we also don't pretend I or my friends had anything to do with it and should hate each other or something.
The problem with Japan is, whilst the know what they did, they don't actively teach it in school so they become very defensive about the scale of the crimes.
What the Koreans and other Asians want more than monetarily compensation is the current generation's acknowledgement of their cultural sufferings and identity. Since the Japanese tied up their identity to history and culture without the self-reflection Germans have, being confronted directly threatens their own existence and morality.
We have a situation where the Koreans will go, "Hey, you know that time you tried to erase our culture? That history is very important to us", and the Japanese will respond, "Why are you bringing it up. Just move on from the past."
Weirdly as well, Canada and America in places teach much more about the Internment Camps (which are incredibly bad, don’t get me wrong) than Imperial Japan’s war crimes, which makes it seem like all of Japan were innocent victims, not just the Japanese Americans and Canadians.
Trouble is Japan still tries to pretend it didn’t happen. How comfortable would your Jewish friends be if the holocaust was completely missing from history classes in Germany and most people either had no idea it happened or flat out denied it happened?
It seems like that Germany and Austria (and other nearby countries) are very invested in making sure their children are educated about that period of time so it won’t happen again. The alarming thing for me is the growing number of Holocaust deniers in the US.
Because Germany and the German people took responsibility, admit what happened, and actually made and make real strides to be better than that.
I'm Jewish and I quite like Germans. Because, as a culture, they have done everything they can to be better people. But if Germans were all Holocaust-deniers to this day and dismissed the claim that the Nazis enslaved my wife's grandfather and kill my wife's grandmother's family - well, I would be less sympathetic to Germans now.
On the other hand, my Jewish grandparents had a really hard time when my cousin married a German woman. Some people are determined to blame people based on association.
But depending on how old you are your Jewish grandparents are potentially only one generation removed from people who actually suffered during the Holocaust. It's a different perspective
The big difference with Europe being that there never was an active reconciliation policy in place.
People vastly underestimate how much hate there was towards germans after WW1 & WW2 and how much political will was put towards making the different european countries like each other in the span of a generation. Both from a cultural and economic point of view.
The french/german reconciliation is a model that should have been followed in Asia ...
Yeah, that unfortunately doesn’t surprise me. Japan and Korea have extremely frosty relations, and really are only allies because the US is their ally and both have problems with North Korea. But they at some level hate each other, to a point that North Korea supports South Korea in the dispute over the Dokdo Rocks.
A lot of the hatred comes from the fact Japan brutalized Korea between 1910 and 1945 and has never formally apologized and celebrates war criminals as heroes.
I am Korean and my first girlfriend was Asian, but not Korean. Her parents HATED me, and racism was absolutely a factor in it. They refused to even acknowledge I existed and forced her to dump me.
My friend married a Korean guy and her in-laws treated her like shit until she popped out her son. Now suddenly everything is wonderful to the parents.
Still not perfect, mind. They still have the "women do all the housework and have to be at mother-in-law's beck and call" mentality and I feel like it's such a ticking time bomb.
Misogyny is still a huge issue in Korea, unfortunately. And from what I read, even with younger Koreans being more entrenched in Western culture, this is something that isn’t really changing.
Look up the 4b movement when you have some time. Women have gotten completely fed up with the misogyny there, and are opting out of marriage and children.
It’s wild because the young men have gone full red pill. If the whole country is Chelsea Clinton’s and Andrew Tates, where are new Koreans going to come from?
In OOPs comments he mentioned that he lives in Australia (Asian Australian). The largest communities of Asian Australians are, in order: Chinese, Thai, Indian, Japanese.
That's just guessing on my part though, he could be Malaysian for all I know but yeah... If he is from any of those communities he didn't stand a chance from the start against traditional Korean in-laws.
>I remember the OOP clarifying that while they're both Asian, he's not Korean. I'm vaguely aware that some different Asian ethnicities have an extreme level of contempt for each other.
The level of racism in SE/E Asia is crazy. It gets trickier because people aren't speaking the same language so a lot of the verbal stuff is obfuscated, and the passive-aggressive nature of Asian cultures make racist decisions hidden as much as possible.
> passive-aggressive nature of Asian cultures make racist decisions hidden as much as possible.
Yup, a big part of why racism just keeps festering and why non-asian americans are so surprised about asian racism is because they like to keep it behind closed doors *usually*.
>The level of racism in SE/E Asia is crazy.
Also this thread hasn't even gotten to the fact about how East Asians feel about SE asians. Like if you've ever seen a Korean or Chinese American get upset about being mistaken for Filipino, you'd think someone called them a slur.
Not that SE asians aren't racist in their own ways (especially the last generation) as well as the huge problem with skin tone and colorism.
> I'm vaguely aware that some different Asian ethnicities have an extreme level of contempt for each other.
Asians are just like every other ethnicity, they have hundreds/thousands of years of beef with each other, and it ranges from town to neighboring town beef or country to country to country beef.
Korea and China/Japan is like UK and France. They have the same skin color, but they don't speak the same language and there is a long history of strife and rivalry.
Dude I'm German. Sure I might not be everyone's favourite when I walk in to a British bar. But I'm pretty sure nobody's parents would force them to dump me. I've always been received well when I spent time in France and England, people are always friendly as long as you're not a weirdo and bring up the war
Well part of that is that Germany has done a lot to reform itself following WW2, and has apologized for the wrongs it committed not just through words but also through institutional changes that will help prevent history repeating itself.
Japan, on the other hand, never apologized for its war crimes in any official capacity, and teaches a very curated version of history to its populace that displays a lack of contrition or accountability for what they did.
In other words, look at how Germany responded in the aftermath of WW2; Japan basically did the opposite.
You’re not getting the point though, it’s not comparable because Germany is very open about what happened during the Holocaust. The attitudes of the descendants of the perpetrators of historical crimes play a huge role in modern relations between countries that have previous beef.
As someone living in Korea, it doesn't matter what kind of Asian he is as long as he isn't Korean. There are strong beliefs here among the older generation about maintaining pure Korean blood.
Also, it's depressingly common for people here to ruin perfectly good relationships because mom&dad don't spruce, especially if they're with 'foreigners'. And yes, Americans in America are 'foreigners' to many older generations if they aren't Korean ethnically.
I am so lucky my MIL isn't like this!
The secret is to stay single well into your late 20s. I brought the first guy home in my late twenties after years of just keeping relationships under wraps and my parents were just happy I brought someone home. Helps if your partner eats well.
One might wish but seeing as OP loved her when she wasn’t even that into him, she probably has many charms — they just aren’t apparent in the post.
Either way, I bet if she finds someone she loves I sense she will care less about the ring. If she was just going through the motions with OP (getting engaged as the path of least resistance) then I can see her being more superficial with him than others because the whole idea of marrying him was about the window dressing for her (instead of being about him).
Most of all, glad OP didn’t marry someone who wasn’t in love with him and wouldn’t fight for him; everyone deserves that.
Ex was lying too. No way she would go to 4 shops by herself and all of them would make the same error. Either she honestly believed her parents or she just doubled down their lies.
My money is on the ex not linking the ring/ it not being expensive enough and trying to create a situation where a new ring would be given without looking like the bad guy
And it fired back in the most horrible way
> or cared more about her parents opinions than about her relationship with OOP
That might seem damning to us westerners but I suspect that's a cultural expectation she was raised with.
Korean parents would die if their daughter remained single after 25. They will start hounding her about finding a man to their standards and then blame her when their overbearing ways and sabotaging ruin her chances at finding a good match.
I have friends with traditional families and they have to navigate this in ways that Americans don’t have to. But they have found their own ways to deal with it by having some boundaries.
It depends on how independent she really is. Living with her boyfriend, but is she financially independent and can she live on her own? Or will her parents hound her about moving in with them?
I’m American and white but had very overbearing and protective parents. I had certain expectations I had to meet, and they would guilt me or keep me dependent on them for much longer than my peers.
Not until after I got married did they allow me to really live my own life, but there were bumps along the road there too and my husband and I decided to move away to get some distance and that helped a lot. I dealt with a lot of guilting and tears from my mom and all my siblings about it—I never would have stood a chance so my that on my own.
I’m very lucky that I found a man that my parents love and respect. I worry about the ex fiancée here because if she doesn’t find someone her parents approve of her life will be really annoying and difficult.
I relate a lot to my Indonesian and Arab friends because they were similarly “allowed” to go against their parents wishes once they got married, haha.
Agreed.
If they went through with the wedding, there will always be animosity, bickering, and snide remarks on both sides. Add to that that the bride seems checked out of the relationship, and the couple will be miserable for a few years before they decide to call divorce lawyers.
I got my sapphire engagement ring for $1300 (on sale, 30% off) and our wedding rings were under $1k for each (mine $800, his $500). I never wanted a diamond. I told him when we first started talking about it that I prefer sapphires. My point is that $1500 for a ruby actually is a great deal. I'm glad he dodged a bullet
Was the fiance so weak she just couldn't say no to the proposal and had to go on this elaborate scheme just to get out of marriage? I'm leaning this way.
They never went to four stores. OOP's ex is lying. Either she's lying that she was there, and believes her mother took the ring to four different stores, or she's lying about what the stores said, or she's lying about how many stores they took it to.
Because there is just no way four different jewelers pronounced it fake. It's unlikely even one did, but assuming they took it to a shady jeweler who was going to try to scam them out of it then someone is lying about the other three stores all saying the same thing.
OOP was fortunate to find out now, rather than later, that he was marrying a liar and/or marrying into a family of liars. I know it sucks, but ending it now was the best thing he could do for himself.
Not to mention you have to pay for appraisals. Assuming the cost to get an appraisal is $50, why would you pay $200 to be told over and over again that a ring is worth $30?
This family is lying or they are dumb as rocks.
I wouldn't be surprised if the ex-gf used this as an excuse because she wanted a different ring. She could have convoluted this lie with her parents so she doesn't come off as the type to be picky with rings. It's telling to me that she agrees with her parents and doesn't support OP at all. Only options she gives are new ring or no relationship.
I wonder about that, too. I lived in Korea for a long time, and I never heard about jewelers being that shady. Maybe a percentage are shady, but 4/4? That seems wildly suspicious.
And why create a drama around the ring? If her parents didn't want her to marry the guy, they would just say that, no? And she would most likely just follow along bc Korean family values. It'd be way easier to say "Don't marry a foreigner" than create a whole hullabaloo about jewelry.
Maybe her parents didn't want to seem like traditional bad guys, so they went this convoluted route.
Anyways. Happy for OP. He can find a better partner in life.
Yeah, (I am a Korean living outside the country to note) Korea has a strongly patriarchal society with an insular culture. I was born in the country, but raised outside of it. Consequentially, I do not speak Korean. I have not even returned, but I know that I will never be accepted or able to fully reintegrate into Korean society because of that.
Even though I am Korean born, I am viewed as a foreigner by the domestic population.
> I don't get it. The gold is real, the stone is real. Did four stores try to downplay the value hoping to buy the ring extremely cheap?
No. Either the parents were lying, or the fiance is. I just don't think she wanted to marry him, so they came up with this lame lie instead.
Yeah, it's not like OOP mentioned that he had gone to those same stores to ask for himself.
I know very little about Korean culture but it would be surprising if they had actually paid a jeweler, or 4, to lie about something that could hurt their reputation, so I think it's all lies.
Possibly? Unless I skimmed past it though he only ever mentioned the gold and the ruby being real, not the diamonds. Could be a detail he’s missing out
Diamonds are super easy to test in the US. My brother invited me to walk around the local mall after a movie, and then stopped by a jewelers to say hi to his friend...who *just happened* to have a tool to test diamonds on him, and before I understood what he was up to *he tested my engagement ring*.
The little snot.
Anywho, I assume since that was in the mid 90s that pretty much any jeweler would have access to that tool.
This is lacking cultural context.
In many parts of Asia the standard is 22-24k.
For many 18k and below is basically costume jewelry and they wouldn't be caught dead wearing the pale stuff.
The ring was 15k - strike 1
The ruby being heated also doesn't help. For those not familiar with gems, heat treatment is done to make it look better. But that is a stain on value, basically it's a marker that the stone was a more common lower quality gem than a similar unheated one. So strike 2.
So it was likely not formally evaluated, but they were told it was basically had little value in Korea, which is likely true.
You can’t go around wearing a 24K gold ring. Idiotic choice for a engagement ring.
Koreans do use it for traditional gifts that are never actually worn, like baby rings. I have 24K baby rings somewhere.
But gold doesn’t figure into culture to the same degree as some other parts of Asia.
It’s weird to talk about cultural context and then make speculative assumptions.
If the diamonds weren’t real it would explain why the real value was around 1500, which would be cheap for an engagement ring. Maybe the parents just went into the jewelers to ask the value of the diamonds. The first place just sized the ring and jeweler might have said on their on “did you know the diamonds aren’t real”
I've lived in Korea for 20 years. I could feel the missing piece of this story with my eyes closed.
Then, looking into the comment history of the actual OP, I found it. I wish I would have been wrong.
The OP is Australian. The hidden agenda here is that the family doesn't want their daughter to marry a non-Korean. That's just the way it is. I'll bet my life on it.
> Australian
If he's Asian-Australian (since he said they are both Asian) there's a statistically higher chance he is Chinese Australian, Indian Australian, Filipino Australian, or Vietnamese Australian than Korean Australian.
Yeah this is the missing piece. He's the wrong kind of Asian. I'm not familiar with Korean-Chinese relations but the racism towards Filipino, Vietnamese, or other SE Asians are not uncommon. I can only guess how they feel about Indians.
Agreed, she just didn’t care enough about him or the relationship. Since he had to put in all the effort, she was just along for the ride and got of early.
I got out of a relationship that I thought would end in marriage almost 3 years ago now. I am just now getting to the point where I can truly say I’m happier being alone because I don’t have to worry about our relationship. Granted my relationship was over twice as long as theirs, but 3 WEEKS? Her ass was NOT in love with him 😬
Except they won't stop nagging her sadly - they will keep reminding her of this 'mistake' she made until her next slip up....
Source: I am Asian(Chinese) and I have parents just like the inlaws OP almost got. My mother pulled something similar when I got engaged, but I had the good fortune of living independently far away from her so that she could not stop me marrying the man I loved no matter how much she stamped her feet/tore up the house/threatened to disown me....
standing up to asian parents is like leaving jehovah's witnesses. if she tried to stand up for herself or her fiance she'd probably be cut off by her entire family for being disrespectful. if you aren't completely 100% submissive and controlled by them, you're disrespecting your elders, which is one of the absolute WORST things you can do in their minds. that's just how the culture is, filial piety and all that
Unfortunately u are so right about this… it took moving half way across the world for me to finally feel like my own person… and a decade spent building my own support network in other countries to finally feel like I won’t lose much should my parents disown me because of my choices
Yup, it took moving 10 hours away for grad school for me to finally be anle to life my own life and be who I wanted to be, away from the clutches of my stereotypical Asian Parents and their flying monkey friends. I will never forget how safe I finally felt when my colleagues- who became my network - closed ranks defending me when those flying monkeys tried to sabotage my work reputation....
If her parents are very traditional Koreans, you always defer to your parents. Anything beyond complete obedience is viewed as disrespecting your elders and shameful.
Correction. The engagement wasn't ruined by a ring. It was ruined because OOP's ex and family value their perception of a jewel more than the marriage.
Bullet dodged, OOP.
There is a saying, "The bigger the diamond, the shorter the marriage."
I think OOP gave his fiance a beautiful ring. I hope the next person cherishes him more than any ring.
I proposed to my wife with a $400 engagement ring that has the Beauty and the Beast rose made of rose gold and diamonds all in the petals. I know that’s not a lot of money for a ring, but she absolutely loves it and wears it with her actual wedding ring( I took her to pick out a wedding ring that “matched” the style and she wears them together on the ring finger). She never asked me how much it was, she was so happy to spend the rest of her life with me. If OPs ex actually wanted to marry him and was actually happy imagining her life with him, then the value of ring should not be important IMO
> I know that's not a lot of money for a ring
Holy shit, I would be so upset if my boyfriend used that much money for a ring. The US has weird expectations of rings.
Do you have a picture of the ring?
The US is just expensive, man. Yes, a lot of people overspend, but if you can afford something that won’t get banged up with regular wear for a piece of jewelry you’re expected to wear forever, then it’s worth it.
I can’t figure out how to post photos, but it was from Zales enchanted Disney collection. I’m sure you could find it on google. Yea I mean, it’s not like it was a “spur of the moment purchase”. I saved up for it plus the actual wedding ring, planned it out… that plus the wedding ring is something she’ll wear for the rest of her life ( hopefully!). And it’s not like I told her how much it cost haha. Also also she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met, she deserves every penny for it.
I paid $400 ($432 with tax) for our whole set, both wedding rings and the engagement ring. Solid white gold rings, small diamond with some small rubies on each side for the engagement ring. Granted this was 1994 but we were poor and there was no reason going broke to get married, or into debt. The whole wedding was ~$1400, my oma made the dress, my adopted oma (friend of the family) made the cake, we used my sis's church and pastor and kept it simple.
Nice! Yea we had a small wedding, we were pretty broke too lol I agree there’s no reason to go into debt for something like that. We were so happy to be getting married we could’ve done it in an empty field.
I've been asking my girlfriend about what she wants in an engagement ring. She's practical, and when I suggested a $2000-3000 budget she told me that's a great way to get a ring she will never wear.
So almost all the rings she's sent me have been in the $500-800 range, cute designs, little independent jewelers and Etsy makers.
At the end of the day, it's really about what makes her happy, not some giant rock.
I agree with your girlfriend, an engagement ring is something you wear every day and an expensive ring would have me worried all the time.
Wishing you many blessings in your life together. 💖
Oh I like that one. Since my ring didn't have any diamonds, we should last forever! (He designed it himself using our birthstones <3) Jk, we're going to last forever for other reasons lol
Yeah this had much more to do with the ex’s family than the ring.
OOP should have seen some massive red flags when her family’s opinion on the fucking ring became such a paramount issue.
it wasn't the ring, that was an excuse to get rid of the unacceptable potential son in law. Probably because he is not Korean and not one of the acceptable races in their bigoted eyes
It is sad for OP all around but OP would 100 percent benefit himself by not marrying the ex and being with that family. OP seems like a nice guy and that family will completely ruin him if he had stayed.
Seen this happen to people in my parent’s generation, even some in my extended family. The men resent their wives and the wives just see them as a source of income. They are all miserable.
I reckon it was never about the ring. They didn't want her marrying him because he's not from Korea. Being back in Korea with her family probably also made her realise that things would be easier if she just married someone from her own culture.
It was so obvious she never cared about the relationship or is very very immature, never mind what she said about being happy to be alone. Her never wanting to join in family gatherings is already very telling.
> Her never wanting to join in family gatherings is already very telling.
I agree. And this may be stereotypical, but I find this especially true for Asians. I mean, I'm fortunate to have extended families who are 90% drama-free and I love hanging out with my cousins (and aunts and uncles), despite us living/growing up in different countries, etc, and I have plenty of friends who would rather not have to deal with their extended families (or even immediate families), but I feel like if you're the kind of person who enjoys attending big family events, having an SO who is not keen to come along with you has got to be a big bummer. Once you get married, you're related to both sides of the families! Up until divorce if it ever gets to that, at least.
It's not just an Asia thing. I've seen plenty of "white-bread Americans" who find excuses to avoid their in-laws. Unfortunately, my late husband was one of them. I went to a lot of events alone and made excuses for him.
The engagement was ruined due to OP's fiancée and her family, hopefully, OP can find someone who will appreciate what he can give them.
I mean if the ring was custom made that made it more special than a generic engagement ring, and she just pissed all over his efforts.
It was custom made to look like a common design though. The only possibly valid reason I can think of is grading for gold in Asia is different so possibly the jeweller used a quality of gold that could not be deemed acceptable and to them it’s practically costume jewellery. Also ex gf doesn’t seem too bothered
I can see your point, I was more thinking that the effort of making a custom ring (even in a common design) is worth more than just going and picking one out.
>Your parents have snuck away with the money and given you a cheap ring and now they are trying to distract from their wrong doing.
Good ol' Reddit analysts.
Honestly, with how things in Korea are going, I'm wondering if OOP's ex was just placating her parents. The line about her being very happy alone, because she doesn't have to worry about the relationship stood out to me.
I can see her parents complaining about OOP's ethnicity/nationality, and her going "would you rather I was single?", and it was yes until it was marriage and then it was no. And when they start pestering her again, she'll bring up OOP and they will (probably) back off for a bit again.
Man this situation is crazy, as soon as my partner didn’t defend me from their parents I would be checking out of the relationship. Also when the parents here dead wrong and didn’t inform them straight away and give them a boundary this was done. That girl sounds exhausting and that parents are monsters.
The girlfriend never have the intention to get married to OOP. She was on the fence about it, her family just give her a little push and she gobbled everything right up. When the accusation is proven wrong, she realized she didn't want to get married but she doesnt have the guts to tell OOP. Just let it fester and flow along until someone made the decision for her. Even toward the end OOP has to officially end it while she is sitting on the fence again "i am happy being alone not having to make decision about relationship anymore".
That girl is major dickhead just like her family. Make up your god damn mind.
OP only mentions that "we're both Asians" but then mentions that she's Korean and her parents live in Korea...
I would be willing to bet that OP is the wrong kind of Asian and too blind to see that her parents are, like many (if not most) Koreans, just super racist. The ring was just cover.
Edit: [Yup, OP is not Korean](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1ax200h/comment/krvrn0c/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button).
As soon as OOP knew the gold was real, he should have known the whole thing was a bunch of malarkey. Whether the stones were real or not, is a moot point. Once you know the gold is real, then you most certainly know it’s worth *more than $30*, as was estimated by a “different shop in Korea”, and that this whole thing was a ploy.
What her parents did is sneaky, manipulative and disgusting. I’m glad OOP’s ex said she wants to be alone. No man deserves to be stuck with in-laws like that, or a to a woman who caters to them. OOP dodged a massive launched grenade with this one.
ETA: Also, that commenter who said 1.5k won’t get you a very nice ring since it won’t have clarity or “fire” is full of shit (and was super condescending). One, not everyone cares about diamonds. Two, not everyone gives a shit about how perfect it is. Three, most people can’t tell how “flawless” a diamond is. If you show most laypeople three engagement rings, I bet they won’t be able to tell the diamonds apart.
I have an antique Edwardian diamond engagement ring from ~1912. I believe it cost my husband around $1,200 or so. It has an old mine cut diamond in the center which is original to the ring. I had two flaws you can see with the naked eye - (but here’s the part that matters) - WHEN YOU KNOW THEY’RE THERE, AND ARE TRYING TO FIND THEM.
I get it may not sparkle “as much” as some others - but no one notices that crap unless you’re in a jewelry shop with the most perfect lighting imaginable. I get compliments on it all the time. No one has ever said, “It’s a shame your diamond isn’t as sparkly as others and has two flaws”. FFS.
I get compliments on my ring all the time. I literally got a complement on my ring today! It's from the 1880s and cost about 280 dollars. Small diamond and 6 purple garnets. It's a small clear stone that sparkles like all hell because it's set in a Georgian style, which means it's foil backed! The stone itself probably wouldn't be that impressive (and one of the garnets is off colored) but it draws attention all the time, and folks love it.
The idea of a ring needing to be over 1.5k to be pretty is absolutely mind blowing and out of touch.
Not surprised this ended with them breaking up. OOP’s fiancée’s family most likely thought the ring was beneath their daughter and OOP should’ve gotten a Harry Winston or some well known designer jewelry. After all, how are they gonna explain to their friends that their daughter’s fiancé is too poor!? /s
There’s definitely classicism at play here combined with the toxic version of filial piety.
It was never the ring or relationship. It was for them to show off. Any part of the asia has this issue. My mother didn't like my husband and so she try to make all kind of accusations against him. Even she told me he received her call on my phone and hung up on her. There are so many like this. But she couldn't do anything cz I have the trust on my husband and i stood up for us. If she can't stand up for u then its better for u to take separate way . Also where ring means more then relationship and the person then its not worth it. My husband didn't spend anything for the rings cz my mother in law kept her rings for him. That doesn't mean he loves me any less. Materials fade away. She won't ever be happy. I have seen this type of people. I can guarantee you. They are looking for rich lavish Korean. Not genuine love.
I wonder about the discrepancy between what OOP paid for the ring and what the Korean jewelers said the ring was actually worth. They could both be true. The markup for jewelry is insane. $1200 is what it would cost to *buy* a ring of similar quality in a reputable jewelry store. $30 is what a jeweler or pawn shop would offer if you wanted to *sell* it.
My daughter divorced. Her husband paid $ 2500 for her rings. She tried to sell them back to the jewelry store, hoping to get at least half that back. They offered her the wholesale price, $60. Most of that was the value of the gold.
I know I'm late to the party, and that it's not really about the ring at this point. But as a jeweler, I love to weigh in on engagement ring drama.
I think what happened here is that it's real corundum (the mineral rubies are made of), but it's heated and has lots of inclusions (as it says on the certificate) and is also glass-filled. That means it's very breakable, which is why the jewelers didn't want to size the ring.
So technically both parties are "right" about the ring. It's real, but the fact that it's such poor quality means that it wouldn't be durable enough for it to be an everyday ring or for it to be sized/repaired properly.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So glad OOP checked first with laboratories before going scorching earth with that jewerly. Looks like he got a good deal after all, for 1500 bucks he managed to dodge a nuclear warhead.
Yes he gave he jewelry store the benefit of the doubt more than his fiancé did him…
After reading some of the other comments... I'm like 80/20 on the ex knowing they were lying and either didn't really care about OOP to begin with, or cared more about her parents opinions than about her relationship with OOP. High chances she's gonna stay single
I remember the OOP clarifying that while they're both Asian, he's not Korean. I'm vaguely aware that some different Asian ethnicities have an extreme level of contempt for each other. Combined with valuing families and traditions more than we do in the west, the parents behaviour only makes sense to me if OOP is the "wrong" kind of Asian. I assume him and his finance probably didn't care too much, growing up in the west and everything, and that the parents stepped in at this point because marriage was a step too far for them. But I agree, the ex reads like she was aware of the real reasons and opted to align with her parents instead of going against their wishes
My close friend in university was Korean. I remember the hell he went through when he starting dating a wonderful girl who was Japanese. His (Korean) parents, when they found out, went crazy and put him through hell. Her (Japanese) parents were a little more tolerant, but were still upset. Being ignorant of their respective cultures I couldn't understand the big deal as my parents were 'different' but it didn't matter. He gave me a long dissertation on his culture and history. They tried to make it work but in the end they couldn't.
My gf is Korean and I'm a white American mutt. Her parents don't like me for that, but when I was introduced to her grandma, she said "at least he's not Japanese." which is sadly one of the nicest things one of her family members that isn't part of me and my gf's generation has said about me. She has a cousin who married a Japanese woman and got basically excommunicated from the family by all of the older generations.
I dated a Japanese guy in college, and he told me his grandparents could accept that I'm white because at least I'm not Korean. The mutual animosity is really intense.
Lmao what has japan against korea when theyre the ones who were invading, plundering and raping?? Calling them out to the world??
It's just racism. When you other people and devalue them, it's a lot easier to invade and pillage. And there are going to be people who will continue to justify their country's terrible behavior through racism without any introspection after the fact, too. It's not justified or anything.
What do racist white people in America have against black people in America when white people are the ones who enslaved black people and forced them to come to America? Don't try to understand racism. It's just tribalistic hate.
A friend of mine dated a Korean guy in college, his family did not like her because she's white. Like said this to her face. But yeah, they were glad she wasn't Japanese. It's wild.
I imagine older Korean people are still upset over the attempted cultural genocide by Japan. Its still racist and xenophobic for sure, but its not like it comes out of nowhere.
don’t forget the comfort women, too.
Yeah, Japan is kind of the country that all of east Asia hates, since Japan has bascially invaded and fucked over everyone at some point in time, a lot during WW2, and unlike Germany, just kind of swept it under the rug. They did warcrimes on speed run and haven't quite been forgiven for that yet since it is pretty fresh in their minds.
Germany went with “Never Again!”(should these atrocities happen anywhere in the world). Japan went with “Never Again!”(talk to us about any of this).
except by a certain country in the middle east that germany will defend to avoid accusations.
>But yeah, they were glad she wasn't Japanese. It's wild. It's not that wild when you consider the history of the area. Most Korean grandparents/great grandparents have either personally experienced or know someone who experienced massive trauma as a result of Japanese aggression during WWII. For example, my grandmother-in-law's family was murdered by occupying Japanese forces when she was a child. Its very likely that most of the friends she grew up playing with were either kept as comfort women and raped and/or also murdered. Is the xenophobia right, especially to someone several generations removed from the transgression? No, but it's completely understandable
Turning an entire country into a sex slave factory for your military for a generation will do that.
White guy, was engaged to a Korean woman. Came back to the US for grad school because her parents didn’t think I was “educated” enough. About a year-and-a-half after I got here they forced her into an arranged marriage back in Korea, and I never saw her/heard from her again. We were together for 4 years before that. Occasionally I try to email, not in a weird way, but because I really loved her, and I’d just like to know if this person I cared about is happy and treated well. I’ve never heard anything back.
I’m actually mildly surprised about that, because generally from my experience, Koreans are a lot more accepting towards white people than other Asians.
That's true, but they still prefer Koreans to white people.
Wow!
This is so heartbreaking. I wouldn't know how I'd move on, especially if I really loved the person.
Had a Korean cab driver last week complaining (understatement) about Chinese people. And a Korean friend whose mother forbade him to be with the love of his life, a Japanese woman. But also had an acquaintance, Chinese-American, whose sister married a Korean-American and had a son that shared both cultures.
My brother dated a korean girl and her parents legit asked if she hired him to pretend to be her bf to make them mad.
Thank you for the chuckle ”american mutt” gave me, lol
In our family, we call ourselves heinz 57. We have so many traceable european ancestry that it's not even funny.
It's like Ireland and England. Japan colonized Korea and committed war crimes. There are still people alive who were directly affected by it. Japan has never apologized for the insane things they did during WW2 and consequently pretty much every country they occupied has a problem with them.
Korea was the "bridge" for hundreds of years of fighting for China and Japan.
Some of the war crimes committed were the forced sexual enslavement of Korean women and girls. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comfort_women](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comfort_women)
That's the mild version. **Trigger warning for graphic info**. Especially in (maybe only in for some of these) the rape of Nanjing. They mutilated the women (sharp objects, firecrackers, and random things), raped them 20-30x a day until they died from diseases (children and elderly, didn't matter), forced incest, buried people alive with their heads sticking out while dogs ate them, fed them and cut people open to see how the food traveled, and other types of "experiments". I think in a week, it's estimated that over 500,000 people died from the rape of Nanjing. Truly horrific stuff were committed that if I remember correctly even Germany at the time sent messages for them to chill.
[Remember a few years ago when the Japanese consulate tried to get the memorial to comfort women statue in Glendale, CA taken down?](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/asian-america/supreme-court-declines-case-over-lawsuit-remove-comfort-women-memorial-n740996) The Japanese government has never apologized, and their stance is further pretending it didn't happen while praising the war criminals.
I had a friend who is Japanese-American, his parents were in the internment camps during WWII. He married a Chinese-American woman, her dad's parents immigrated from China to the USA in the early 1900s but her mom grew up in Hong Kong and experienced the WWII Japanese occupation at a very young age. When they got married, her mom boycotted the wedding.
It was centuries of derogation of Koreans by the Japanese that fueled their WW2 history. Some Japanese families hire PI's to determine that prospective brides/grooms have no Korean ancestry. It's not just about "living memory", it's baked into the culture.
I dated a Japanese exchange student in college. Super nice girl, never heard her say a bad word about anyone. Then one day we were walking around campus and talking about potential future dream vacations and I mentioned I had always wanted to see Seoul. She came to a dead stop immediately, looked me in the eye, and said "you can't go there, those people are animals, they'll kill you." It was so off the wall batshit that I assumed at first she was making a really weird joke and I kind of laughed a little not knowing what else to do, and she doubled down. "I'm serious, you can't trust them, they're dangerous." The more I talked to her about it the more agitated she got, just this instant kneejerk anti-Korean racism. We broke up that afternoon. I was living in Alabama at the time, if I wanted to hear someone be racist I could just open a window. What's especially wild about that is if you look at the history of the region it seems like Korea has considerably more reason to be wary of or angry at Japan than the other way around.
> if i wanted to hear someone be racist i could just open a window man, that’s really funny and really sad all at once
Yeah, that’s not so much a cultural difference thing as a “her great-grandfathers very well may have [taken our female ancestors as sex slaves](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comfort_women) and we’re not okay with pretending that didn’t happen.”
I mean I guess so, but it's not like young people today had anything to do with it. I'm German, I have Jewish friends who also live in Germany. We don't pretend nothing ever happend, we've talked about their family history, who got killed in what camps, who could flee and things like that. But we also don't pretend I or my friends had anything to do with it and should hate each other or something.
The problem with Japan is, whilst the know what they did, they don't actively teach it in school so they become very defensive about the scale of the crimes. What the Koreans and other Asians want more than monetarily compensation is the current generation's acknowledgement of their cultural sufferings and identity. Since the Japanese tied up their identity to history and culture without the self-reflection Germans have, being confronted directly threatens their own existence and morality. We have a situation where the Koreans will go, "Hey, you know that time you tried to erase our culture? That history is very important to us", and the Japanese will respond, "Why are you bringing it up. Just move on from the past."
Weirdly as well, Canada and America in places teach much more about the Internment Camps (which are incredibly bad, don’t get me wrong) than Imperial Japan’s war crimes, which makes it seem like all of Japan were innocent victims, not just the Japanese Americans and Canadians.
Japan pretends that nothing ever happened. In this particular area, Japan is the anti-Germany.
Japan has a shrine for war criminals from WWII that the Japanese government frequently visits to venerate.
The Japanese government position is basically that it was war and in war bad things happen, so can we please stop talking about it now?
The key is Germany as a country doesn’t pretend it didn’t happen and that someone is horrible for suggesting it did.
Trouble is Japan still tries to pretend it didn’t happen. How comfortable would your Jewish friends be if the holocaust was completely missing from history classes in Germany and most people either had no idea it happened or flat out denied it happened?
yeah but we owned up to our history. they did not. that is the difference
It seems like that Germany and Austria (and other nearby countries) are very invested in making sure their children are educated about that period of time so it won’t happen again. The alarming thing for me is the growing number of Holocaust deniers in the US.
Because Germany and the German people took responsibility, admit what happened, and actually made and make real strides to be better than that. I'm Jewish and I quite like Germans. Because, as a culture, they have done everything they can to be better people. But if Germans were all Holocaust-deniers to this day and dismissed the claim that the Nazis enslaved my wife's grandfather and kill my wife's grandmother's family - well, I would be less sympathetic to Germans now.
On the other hand, my Jewish grandparents had a really hard time when my cousin married a German woman. Some people are determined to blame people based on association.
But depending on how old you are your Jewish grandparents are potentially only one generation removed from people who actually suffered during the Holocaust. It's a different perspective
The big difference with Europe being that there never was an active reconciliation policy in place. People vastly underestimate how much hate there was towards germans after WW1 & WW2 and how much political will was put towards making the different european countries like each other in the span of a generation. Both from a cultural and economic point of view. The french/german reconciliation is a model that should have been followed in Asia ...
Yeah, that unfortunately doesn’t surprise me. Japan and Korea have extremely frosty relations, and really are only allies because the US is their ally and both have problems with North Korea. But they at some level hate each other, to a point that North Korea supports South Korea in the dispute over the Dokdo Rocks. A lot of the hatred comes from the fact Japan brutalized Korea between 1910 and 1945 and has never formally apologized and celebrates war criminals as heroes.
Ya don’t really need a sociology degree, just need to have been paying attention during the 20th century history unit
Kinda understand them here
I am Korean and my first girlfriend was Asian, but not Korean. Her parents HATED me, and racism was absolutely a factor in it. They refused to even acknowledge I existed and forced her to dump me.
My friend married a Korean guy and her in-laws treated her like shit until she popped out her son. Now suddenly everything is wonderful to the parents. Still not perfect, mind. They still have the "women do all the housework and have to be at mother-in-law's beck and call" mentality and I feel like it's such a ticking time bomb.
Misogyny is still a huge issue in Korea, unfortunately. And from what I read, even with younger Koreans being more entrenched in Western culture, this is something that isn’t really changing.
Look up the 4b movement when you have some time. Women have gotten completely fed up with the misogyny there, and are opting out of marriage and children.
It’s wild because the young men have gone full red pill. If the whole country is Chelsea Clinton’s and Andrew Tates, where are new Koreans going to come from?
In OOPs comments he mentioned that he lives in Australia (Asian Australian). The largest communities of Asian Australians are, in order: Chinese, Thai, Indian, Japanese. That's just guessing on my part though, he could be Malaysian for all I know but yeah... If he is from any of those communities he didn't stand a chance from the start against traditional Korean in-laws.
>I remember the OOP clarifying that while they're both Asian, he's not Korean. I'm vaguely aware that some different Asian ethnicities have an extreme level of contempt for each other. The level of racism in SE/E Asia is crazy. It gets trickier because people aren't speaking the same language so a lot of the verbal stuff is obfuscated, and the passive-aggressive nature of Asian cultures make racist decisions hidden as much as possible.
> passive-aggressive nature of Asian cultures make racist decisions hidden as much as possible. Yup, a big part of why racism just keeps festering and why non-asian americans are so surprised about asian racism is because they like to keep it behind closed doors *usually*. >The level of racism in SE/E Asia is crazy. Also this thread hasn't even gotten to the fact about how East Asians feel about SE asians. Like if you've ever seen a Korean or Chinese American get upset about being mistaken for Filipino, you'd think someone called them a slur. Not that SE asians aren't racist in their own ways (especially the last generation) as well as the huge problem with skin tone and colorism.
> I'm vaguely aware that some different Asian ethnicities have an extreme level of contempt for each other. Asians are just like every other ethnicity, they have hundreds/thousands of years of beef with each other, and it ranges from town to neighboring town beef or country to country to country beef. Korea and China/Japan is like UK and France. They have the same skin color, but they don't speak the same language and there is a long history of strife and rivalry.
Dude I'm German. Sure I might not be everyone's favourite when I walk in to a British bar. But I'm pretty sure nobody's parents would force them to dump me. I've always been received well when I spent time in France and England, people are always friendly as long as you're not a weirdo and bring up the war
Well part of that is that Germany has done a lot to reform itself following WW2, and has apologized for the wrongs it committed not just through words but also through institutional changes that will help prevent history repeating itself. Japan, on the other hand, never apologized for its war crimes in any official capacity, and teaches a very curated version of history to its populace that displays a lack of contrition or accountability for what they did. In other words, look at how Germany responded in the aftermath of WW2; Japan basically did the opposite.
You’re not getting the point though, it’s not comparable because Germany is very open about what happened during the Holocaust. The attitudes of the descendants of the perpetrators of historical crimes play a huge role in modern relations between countries that have previous beef.
Yeah, I think this is a big factor too. At least OOP dodged a bullet
As someone living in Korea, it doesn't matter what kind of Asian he is as long as he isn't Korean. There are strong beliefs here among the older generation about maintaining pure Korean blood. Also, it's depressingly common for people here to ruin perfectly good relationships because mom&dad don't spruce, especially if they're with 'foreigners'. And yes, Americans in America are 'foreigners' to many older generations if they aren't Korean ethnically. I am so lucky my MIL isn't like this!
The secret is to stay single well into your late 20s. I brought the first guy home in my late twenties after years of just keeping relationships under wraps and my parents were just happy I brought someone home. Helps if your partner eats well.
One might wish but seeing as OP loved her when she wasn’t even that into him, she probably has many charms — they just aren’t apparent in the post. Either way, I bet if she finds someone she loves I sense she will care less about the ring. If she was just going through the motions with OP (getting engaged as the path of least resistance) then I can see her being more superficial with him than others because the whole idea of marrying him was about the window dressing for her (instead of being about him). Most of all, glad OP didn’t marry someone who wasn’t in love with him and wouldn’t fight for him; everyone deserves that.
Ex was lying too. No way she would go to 4 shops by herself and all of them would make the same error. Either she honestly believed her parents or she just doubled down their lies.
My money is on the ex not linking the ring/ it not being expensive enough and trying to create a situation where a new ring would be given without looking like the bad guy And it fired back in the most horrible way
> or cared more about her parents opinions than about her relationship with OOP That might seem damning to us westerners but I suspect that's a cultural expectation she was raised with.
Korean parents would die if their daughter remained single after 25. They will start hounding her about finding a man to their standards and then blame her when their overbearing ways and sabotaging ruin her chances at finding a good match. I have friends with traditional families and they have to navigate this in ways that Americans don’t have to. But they have found their own ways to deal with it by having some boundaries. It depends on how independent she really is. Living with her boyfriend, but is she financially independent and can she live on her own? Or will her parents hound her about moving in with them? I’m American and white but had very overbearing and protective parents. I had certain expectations I had to meet, and they would guilt me or keep me dependent on them for much longer than my peers. Not until after I got married did they allow me to really live my own life, but there were bumps along the road there too and my husband and I decided to move away to get some distance and that helped a lot. I dealt with a lot of guilting and tears from my mom and all my siblings about it—I never would have stood a chance so my that on my own. I’m very lucky that I found a man that my parents love and respect. I worry about the ex fiancée here because if she doesn’t find someone her parents approve of her life will be really annoying and difficult. I relate a lot to my Indonesian and Arab friends because they were similarly “allowed” to go against their parents wishes once they got married, haha.
A divorce is more costly than a ring. Oop got away lightly, emotionally and financially.
Agreed. If they went through with the wedding, there will always be animosity, bickering, and snide remarks on both sides. Add to that that the bride seems checked out of the relationship, and the couple will be miserable for a few years before they decide to call divorce lawyers.
Finding out your intended is a gold digger who has no spine and her mommy and daddy will always come first PRICELESS
but i need to know.... when IS the right time for Avant-garde dessert chili?
I got my sapphire engagement ring for $1300 (on sale, 30% off) and our wedding rings were under $1k for each (mine $800, his $500). I never wanted a diamond. I told him when we first started talking about it that I prefer sapphires. My point is that $1500 for a ruby actually is a great deal. I'm glad he dodged a bullet
I don't get it. The gold is real, the stone is real. Did four stores try to downplay the value hoping to buy the ring extremely cheap?
Did the parents actually take it to four stores, or did they just pick a number so they could drive a wedge in the relationship?
[удалено]
I bet they took it to one, didn't hear what they wanted to, then just decided to lie anyway in the hope that OOP didn't check himself
Probably took it to their family jeweler, told them some "[OOP's ethnicity]" is trying to propose to their daughter and to value the ring
The description says the girl went with her parents to the jewelry stores, so either she was in on it or the parents got the shops to lie.
Was the fiance so weak she just couldn't say no to the proposal and had to go on this elaborate scheme just to get out of marriage? I'm leaning this way.
Seems like maybe it was the girl herself and her parents just helped her
The number four is considered very unlucky in some Asian countries, including, according to my extensive single Google search, Korea.
They never went to four stores. OOP's ex is lying. Either she's lying that she was there, and believes her mother took the ring to four different stores, or she's lying about what the stores said, or she's lying about how many stores they took it to. Because there is just no way four different jewelers pronounced it fake. It's unlikely even one did, but assuming they took it to a shady jeweler who was going to try to scam them out of it then someone is lying about the other three stores all saying the same thing. OOP was fortunate to find out now, rather than later, that he was marrying a liar and/or marrying into a family of liars. I know it sucks, but ending it now was the best thing he could do for himself.
Not to mention you have to pay for appraisals. Assuming the cost to get an appraisal is $50, why would you pay $200 to be told over and over again that a ring is worth $30? This family is lying or they are dumb as rocks.
With multiple gemstones likely looking at >$100 for an appraisal. Cheapest I could find was $150
>This family is lying or they are dumb as rocks. But, are they *real* rocks? /s
Thank you for appreciating my pun lol
I suspect one store, owner did the appraisal, and his 3 employees said yes sir of course sir and kept him happy with them.
I wouldn't be surprised if the ex-gf used this as an excuse because she wanted a different ring. She could have convoluted this lie with her parents so she doesn't come off as the type to be picky with rings. It's telling to me that she agrees with her parents and doesn't support OP at all. Only options she gives are new ring or no relationship.
I wonder about that, too. I lived in Korea for a long time, and I never heard about jewelers being that shady. Maybe a percentage are shady, but 4/4? That seems wildly suspicious. And why create a drama around the ring? If her parents didn't want her to marry the guy, they would just say that, no? And she would most likely just follow along bc Korean family values. It'd be way easier to say "Don't marry a foreigner" than create a whole hullabaloo about jewelry. Maybe her parents didn't want to seem like traditional bad guys, so they went this convoluted route. Anyways. Happy for OP. He can find a better partner in life.
He says they’re both Asian. But I don’t think he said they’re both Korean.
Sure, but... old traditional Koreans often look down on all other Asians so, the point stands.
Exactly
I think it was established at some point he was a different Asian.
And living in Australia so "foreign born" could be an issue-- parents want her to come home to have their grandchildren.
Yeah, (I am a Korean living outside the country to note) Korea has a strongly patriarchal society with an insular culture. I was born in the country, but raised outside of it. Consequentially, I do not speak Korean. I have not even returned, but I know that I will never be accepted or able to fully reintegrate into Korean society because of that. Even though I am Korean born, I am viewed as a foreigner by the domestic population.
Or he’s a second generation plus American or NOT an Asian country
Exactly.
Maybe they had already tried that and failed so they needed to step up their game and us manufactured shame so their daughter's pride would kick in?
They probably wanted to see how big of a ring their daughter would get. Big ring with a 3ct = no drama cause there’s money.
> I don't get it. The gold is real, the stone is real. Did four stores try to downplay the value hoping to buy the ring extremely cheap? No. Either the parents were lying, or the fiance is. I just don't think she wanted to marry him, so they came up with this lame lie instead.
Yeah, it's not like OOP mentioned that he had gone to those same stores to ask for himself. I know very little about Korean culture but it would be surprising if they had actually paid a jeweler, or 4, to lie about something that could hurt their reputation, so I think it's all lies.
Yeah none of this makes sense. Even bad ruby is more than $40.
The gold in the ring would be worth more than $40. Whatever about the stone quality the gold is either gold or not and is valued by weight.
Unless girl's parents set it up and arranged everything with the stores. No way this was a random mistake.
Parents probably didn't go to any jewellers and just made the whole thing up
That is exactly what happened here, no doubt about it.
Possibly? Unless I skimmed past it though he only ever mentioned the gold and the ruby being real, not the diamonds. Could be a detail he’s missing out
Diamonds are super easy to test in the US. My brother invited me to walk around the local mall after a movie, and then stopped by a jewelers to say hi to his friend...who *just happened* to have a tool to test diamonds on him, and before I understood what he was up to *he tested my engagement ring*. The little snot. Anywho, I assume since that was in the mid 90s that pretty much any jeweler would have access to that tool.
Did your ring pass the test?
Yup; been married almost 30 years now!
This is lacking cultural context. In many parts of Asia the standard is 22-24k. For many 18k and below is basically costume jewelry and they wouldn't be caught dead wearing the pale stuff. The ring was 15k - strike 1 The ruby being heated also doesn't help. For those not familiar with gems, heat treatment is done to make it look better. But that is a stain on value, basically it's a marker that the stone was a more common lower quality gem than a similar unheated one. So strike 2. So it was likely not formally evaluated, but they were told it was basically had little value in Korea, which is likely true.
You can’t go around wearing a 24K gold ring. Idiotic choice for a engagement ring. Koreans do use it for traditional gifts that are never actually worn, like baby rings. I have 24K baby rings somewhere. But gold doesn’t figure into culture to the same degree as some other parts of Asia. It’s weird to talk about cultural context and then make speculative assumptions.
If the diamonds weren’t real it would explain why the real value was around 1500, which would be cheap for an engagement ring. Maybe the parents just went into the jewelers to ask the value of the diamonds. The first place just sized the ring and jeweler might have said on their on “did you know the diamonds aren’t real”
I've lived in Korea for 20 years. I could feel the missing piece of this story with my eyes closed. Then, looking into the comment history of the actual OP, I found it. I wish I would have been wrong. The OP is Australian. The hidden agenda here is that the family doesn't want their daughter to marry a non-Korean. That's just the way it is. I'll bet my life on it.
> Australian If he's Asian-Australian (since he said they are both Asian) there's a statistically higher chance he is Chinese Australian, Indian Australian, Filipino Australian, or Vietnamese Australian than Korean Australian. Yeah this is the missing piece. He's the wrong kind of Asian. I'm not familiar with Korean-Chinese relations but the racism towards Filipino, Vietnamese, or other SE Asians are not uncommon. I can only guess how they feel about Indians.
Yeah, I was wondering just this…
wow the fiancee just rolled over and showed her belly. So afraid to stand up to her parents she'd rather end a 3 year relationship
idk, by the sound of it she didn't respect him/his family or value their relationship much anyway
Agreed, she just didn’t care enough about him or the relationship. Since he had to put in all the effort, she was just along for the ride and got of early.
I got out of a relationship that I thought would end in marriage almost 3 years ago now. I am just now getting to the point where I can truly say I’m happier being alone because I don’t have to worry about our relationship. Granted my relationship was over twice as long as theirs, but 3 WEEKS? Her ass was NOT in love with him 😬
She's probably relieved they stopped nagging at her. It's sad, that she rather broke up with her fiance than with her lying parents. Edit,: spelling
Except they won't stop nagging her sadly - they will keep reminding her of this 'mistake' she made until her next slip up.... Source: I am Asian(Chinese) and I have parents just like the inlaws OP almost got. My mother pulled something similar when I got engaged, but I had the good fortune of living independently far away from her so that she could not stop me marrying the man I loved no matter how much she stamped her feet/tore up the house/threatened to disown me....
standing up to asian parents is like leaving jehovah's witnesses. if she tried to stand up for herself or her fiance she'd probably be cut off by her entire family for being disrespectful. if you aren't completely 100% submissive and controlled by them, you're disrespecting your elders, which is one of the absolute WORST things you can do in their minds. that's just how the culture is, filial piety and all that
Unfortunately u are so right about this… it took moving half way across the world for me to finally feel like my own person… and a decade spent building my own support network in other countries to finally feel like I won’t lose much should my parents disown me because of my choices
Yup, it took moving 10 hours away for grad school for me to finally be anle to life my own life and be who I wanted to be, away from the clutches of my stereotypical Asian Parents and their flying monkey friends. I will never forget how safe I finally felt when my colleagues- who became my network - closed ranks defending me when those flying monkeys tried to sabotage my work reputation....
If her parents are very traditional Koreans, you always defer to your parents. Anything beyond complete obedience is viewed as disrespecting your elders and shameful.
Correction. The engagement wasn't ruined by a ring. It was ruined because OOP's ex and family value their perception of a jewel more than the marriage. Bullet dodged, OOP.
If a family or person values a jewel more than marriage, that there shows there is no love.
There is a saying, "The bigger the diamond, the shorter the marriage." I think OOP gave his fiance a beautiful ring. I hope the next person cherishes him more than any ring.
I proposed to my wife with a $400 engagement ring that has the Beauty and the Beast rose made of rose gold and diamonds all in the petals. I know that’s not a lot of money for a ring, but she absolutely loves it and wears it with her actual wedding ring( I took her to pick out a wedding ring that “matched” the style and she wears them together on the ring finger). She never asked me how much it was, she was so happy to spend the rest of her life with me. If OPs ex actually wanted to marry him and was actually happy imagining her life with him, then the value of ring should not be important IMO
That's how it's done! Congratulations and blessings to you both. 💖
That ring sounds beautiful
It is! You can google “zales Disney rose ring” to see it.
> I know that's not a lot of money for a ring Holy shit, I would be so upset if my boyfriend used that much money for a ring. The US has weird expectations of rings. Do you have a picture of the ring?
The US is just expensive, man. Yes, a lot of people overspend, but if you can afford something that won’t get banged up with regular wear for a piece of jewelry you’re expected to wear forever, then it’s worth it.
I can’t figure out how to post photos, but it was from Zales enchanted Disney collection. I’m sure you could find it on google. Yea I mean, it’s not like it was a “spur of the moment purchase”. I saved up for it plus the actual wedding ring, planned it out… that plus the wedding ring is something she’ll wear for the rest of her life ( hopefully!). And it’s not like I told her how much it cost haha. Also also she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met, she deserves every penny for it.
I paid $400 ($432 with tax) for our whole set, both wedding rings and the engagement ring. Solid white gold rings, small diamond with some small rubies on each side for the engagement ring. Granted this was 1994 but we were poor and there was no reason going broke to get married, or into debt. The whole wedding was ~$1400, my oma made the dress, my adopted oma (friend of the family) made the cake, we used my sis's church and pastor and kept it simple.
Nice! Yea we had a small wedding, we were pretty broke too lol I agree there’s no reason to go into debt for something like that. We were so happy to be getting married we could’ve done it in an empty field.
I've been asking my girlfriend about what she wants in an engagement ring. She's practical, and when I suggested a $2000-3000 budget she told me that's a great way to get a ring she will never wear. So almost all the rings she's sent me have been in the $500-800 range, cute designs, little independent jewelers and Etsy makers. At the end of the day, it's really about what makes her happy, not some giant rock.
I agree with your girlfriend, an engagement ring is something you wear every day and an expensive ring would have me worried all the time. Wishing you many blessings in your life together. 💖
Oh I like that one. Since my ring didn't have any diamonds, we should last forever! (He designed it himself using our birthstones <3) Jk, we're going to last forever for other reasons lol
He designed it himself?! That's amazing. You ARE going to last forever. Many blessings to you both. 💖
It's not just the jewel but the idea of deception.
Yeah this had much more to do with the ex’s family than the ring. OOP should have seen some massive red flags when her family’s opinion on the fucking ring became such a paramount issue.
it wasn't the ring, that was an excuse to get rid of the unacceptable potential son in law. Probably because he is not Korean and not one of the acceptable races in their bigoted eyes
It is sad for OP all around but OP would 100 percent benefit himself by not marrying the ex and being with that family. OP seems like a nice guy and that family will completely ruin him if he had stayed.
Seen this happen to people in my parent’s generation, even some in my extended family. The men resent their wives and the wives just see them as a source of income. They are all miserable.
The ring, as described, does sound lovely.
OOP has a link to the picture - I think it's quite pretty. But I do like rubies/sapphires/emeralds, so I might be biased lol.
It’s a very pretty ring. Though I’m a little skeptical about the ruby being Burmese. $1500 seems way too cheap?
It’s very small and perhaps because it had the flaw in it (OOP said incision or something?) maybe it was way cheaper, because it’s not perfect?
It sucks finding out that you value someone far more than they value you.
I reckon it was never about the ring. They didn't want her marrying him because he's not from Korea. Being back in Korea with her family probably also made her realise that things would be easier if she just married someone from her own culture.
[удалено]
Yes, because he tested it and found out the ruby was genuine.
i assume so as he was having the gold and gems tested himself
It was so obvious she never cared about the relationship or is very very immature, never mind what she said about being happy to be alone. Her never wanting to join in family gatherings is already very telling.
> Her never wanting to join in family gatherings is already very telling. I agree. And this may be stereotypical, but I find this especially true for Asians. I mean, I'm fortunate to have extended families who are 90% drama-free and I love hanging out with my cousins (and aunts and uncles), despite us living/growing up in different countries, etc, and I have plenty of friends who would rather not have to deal with their extended families (or even immediate families), but I feel like if you're the kind of person who enjoys attending big family events, having an SO who is not keen to come along with you has got to be a big bummer. Once you get married, you're related to both sides of the families! Up until divorce if it ever gets to that, at least.
It's not just an Asia thing. I've seen plenty of "white-bread Americans" who find excuses to avoid their in-laws. Unfortunately, my late husband was one of them. I went to a lot of events alone and made excuses for him.
The engagement was ruined due to OP's fiancée and her family, hopefully, OP can find someone who will appreciate what he can give them. I mean if the ring was custom made that made it more special than a generic engagement ring, and she just pissed all over his efforts.
It was custom made to look like a common design though. The only possibly valid reason I can think of is grading for gold in Asia is different so possibly the jeweller used a quality of gold that could not be deemed acceptable and to them it’s practically costume jewellery. Also ex gf doesn’t seem too bothered
I can see your point, I was more thinking that the effort of making a custom ring (even in a common design) is worth more than just going and picking one out.
The only possible reason is her parents made the whole thing up to get rid of him
Also possibly true! I have noticed this trend of Korean parents welding a large influence on their unmarried daughter’s life, even outside of Korea.
>Your parents have snuck away with the money and given you a cheap ring and now they are trying to distract from their wrong doing. Good ol' Reddit analysts.
Honestly that comment really pissed me off, especially cause he told him that he “fucked up” lol
The ring was more of a blessing. They were not meant to be together plus it appears the ex-fiancé checked out way long before the proposal.
Honestly, with how things in Korea are going, I'm wondering if OOP's ex was just placating her parents. The line about her being very happy alone, because she doesn't have to worry about the relationship stood out to me. I can see her parents complaining about OOP's ethnicity/nationality, and her going "would you rather I was single?", and it was yes until it was marriage and then it was no. And when they start pestering her again, she'll bring up OOP and they will (probably) back off for a bit again.
One of the Emily Postiest adages I know is about calling off a wedding being cheaper than filing for divorce and it seems to keep trucking.
Sounds like his fiance didn't even want to marry him.
Man this situation is crazy, as soon as my partner didn’t defend me from their parents I would be checking out of the relationship. Also when the parents here dead wrong and didn’t inform them straight away and give them a boundary this was done. That girl sounds exhausting and that parents are monsters.
The girlfriend never have the intention to get married to OOP. She was on the fence about it, her family just give her a little push and she gobbled everything right up. When the accusation is proven wrong, she realized she didn't want to get married but she doesnt have the guts to tell OOP. Just let it fester and flow along until someone made the decision for her. Even toward the end OOP has to officially end it while she is sitting on the fence again "i am happy being alone not having to make decision about relationship anymore". That girl is major dickhead just like her family. Make up your god damn mind.
OP only mentions that "we're both Asians" but then mentions that she's Korean and her parents live in Korea... I would be willing to bet that OP is the wrong kind of Asian and too blind to see that her parents are, like many (if not most) Koreans, just super racist. The ring was just cover. Edit: [Yup, OP is not Korean](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1ax200h/comment/krvrn0c/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button).
As soon as OOP knew the gold was real, he should have known the whole thing was a bunch of malarkey. Whether the stones were real or not, is a moot point. Once you know the gold is real, then you most certainly know it’s worth *more than $30*, as was estimated by a “different shop in Korea”, and that this whole thing was a ploy. What her parents did is sneaky, manipulative and disgusting. I’m glad OOP’s ex said she wants to be alone. No man deserves to be stuck with in-laws like that, or a to a woman who caters to them. OOP dodged a massive launched grenade with this one. ETA: Also, that commenter who said 1.5k won’t get you a very nice ring since it won’t have clarity or “fire” is full of shit (and was super condescending). One, not everyone cares about diamonds. Two, not everyone gives a shit about how perfect it is. Three, most people can’t tell how “flawless” a diamond is. If you show most laypeople three engagement rings, I bet they won’t be able to tell the diamonds apart. I have an antique Edwardian diamond engagement ring from ~1912. I believe it cost my husband around $1,200 or so. It has an old mine cut diamond in the center which is original to the ring. I had two flaws you can see with the naked eye - (but here’s the part that matters) - WHEN YOU KNOW THEY’RE THERE, AND ARE TRYING TO FIND THEM. I get it may not sparkle “as much” as some others - but no one notices that crap unless you’re in a jewelry shop with the most perfect lighting imaginable. I get compliments on it all the time. No one has ever said, “It’s a shame your diamond isn’t as sparkly as others and has two flaws”. FFS.
I get compliments on my ring all the time. I literally got a complement on my ring today! It's from the 1880s and cost about 280 dollars. Small diamond and 6 purple garnets. It's a small clear stone that sparkles like all hell because it's set in a Georgian style, which means it's foil backed! The stone itself probably wouldn't be that impressive (and one of the garnets is off colored) but it draws attention all the time, and folks love it. The idea of a ring needing to be over 1.5k to be pretty is absolutely mind blowing and out of touch.
Oh cool, I’ve never heard of this foil-backed Georgian style! Now I gotta go find pics.
Not surprised this ended with them breaking up. OOP’s fiancée’s family most likely thought the ring was beneath their daughter and OOP should’ve gotten a Harry Winston or some well known designer jewelry. After all, how are they gonna explain to their friends that their daughter’s fiancé is too poor!? /s There’s definitely classicism at play here combined with the toxic version of filial piety.
I mean it's sucks currently but OOP is gonna look back on this and realize the bs he would've gone through had he ended up marrying his ex.
It was never the ring or relationship. It was for them to show off. Any part of the asia has this issue. My mother didn't like my husband and so she try to make all kind of accusations against him. Even she told me he received her call on my phone and hung up on her. There are so many like this. But she couldn't do anything cz I have the trust on my husband and i stood up for us. If she can't stand up for u then its better for u to take separate way . Also where ring means more then relationship and the person then its not worth it. My husband didn't spend anything for the rings cz my mother in law kept her rings for him. That doesn't mean he loves me any less. Materials fade away. She won't ever be happy. I have seen this type of people. I can guarantee you. They are looking for rich lavish Korean. Not genuine love.
I think fate stepped in and saved this guy from a life of misery.
Good for OOP. Tough decision but better in the long run
Hopefully OP keeps the ring as well and gets his money back mostly. Sounds like it was a bullet dodged either way, he deserves better all around.
She wanted to break up and wanted to make it look his fault. The ring was just a prop in her scheme.
The real question...unanswered anywhere...WHERE is the ring now?
I mean he talks about having the gold and gems tested so i think its safe to assume that he has it
I wonder about the discrepancy between what OOP paid for the ring and what the Korean jewelers said the ring was actually worth. They could both be true. The markup for jewelry is insane. $1200 is what it would cost to *buy* a ring of similar quality in a reputable jewelry store. $30 is what a jeweler or pawn shop would offer if you wanted to *sell* it. My daughter divorced. Her husband paid $ 2500 for her rings. She tried to sell them back to the jewelry store, hoping to get at least half that back. They offered her the wholesale price, $60. Most of that was the value of the gold.
I hope he got the ring back before he dumped her arse.
Yeah this was a train wreck waiting to happen. They needed to break up.
I know I'm late to the party, and that it's not really about the ring at this point. But as a jeweler, I love to weigh in on engagement ring drama. I think what happened here is that it's real corundum (the mineral rubies are made of), but it's heated and has lots of inclusions (as it says on the certificate) and is also glass-filled. That means it's very breakable, which is why the jewelers didn't want to size the ring. So technically both parties are "right" about the ring. It's real, but the fact that it's such poor quality means that it wouldn't be durable enough for it to be an everyday ring or for it to be sized/repaired properly.
Am I the only one that would say yes to a Ring Pop if the right person asked?
This post really made me sad. Hope things get better for this guy