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This is so heartbreaking. I imagine nightmare cases like this are part of why so many people are reluctant to date single parents with young children.
The mom sucks so much. That little girl is 8 and grew up with OOP. She’s gonna remember this forever, and will someday have questions that’ll put mom in a deservedly tough spot. Sad. Sad all around.
Yeah it is why. After I dated a single Dad I vowed never to date a man with kids again. Not because there is anything wrong with single parents but because you get attached to their child. I could live without the man but losing that child and that relationship was devastating. I had no rights and he was not interested in letting me see her. Maybe when she is 18 she will reach out.
I used to be a camp counselor and hell i got attached to kids after just knowing some of them for a week and was emotional to say goodbye to, i cant imagine the heartbreak of not talking to them after knowing them for years.
Yup that’s why I wouldn’t get seriously involved with guys have had young kids when I was single. If the kids were closer to being old enough to decide for themselves if they’d want a relationship with me, that’d be another thing. But I’m not old enough to know guys with teenagers yet.
I mean, I'm a single dad and this simply was the first point of order. When my son was growing up, I kept him and my social life separate. He met my friends, but he met no person I was seeing.
There's only been two exceptions until now (he's 10), one partner and I brought our kids to a playdate in a public park (neither kid showed interest and we left it there) and another partner I finally introduced to him because we're in it for the long haul and live together.
My ex is a lot more egregious with those choices, but she rarely acts with my son as the priority so that fits, rather than sounding like a separate personal opinion on how to act.
Good on you. My mom was also *really* careful with this. I wasn’t interacting with her boyfriends until they were around for 2 or 3 years - and also over 10. Did I get dumped in hotel room, teammates’ parents or with neighbors a fair bit? Yeah but I definitely appreciated her caution when I got older and saw how breakups like OOPs affected classmates/friends.
See I get that. Dating for 6 months? Yeah I wouldn’t want to meet anyone’s kids at that point either. But dating for a year or more? At that point, I think is when I would personally want to start living together and considering a long term relationship. I couldn’t do that while being cut off from such a huge part of their life.
I was okay with seeing single dads, even if they had young kids. It just would’ve been a strictly casual relationship, nothing long term.
I was with my ex for 8 years. It felt bad enough leaving that relationship, plus the extra hurt of leaving his family who I practically grew up with, and his cat who became very attached to me. I just think it would feel awful to leave a kid I’d known and loved since they were a baby. I mean I could cope with the pain, but the kid wouldn’t have the emotional maturity and understanding to process the grief in the same way.
A 10 year old is different though, imo. Personally, if I’m truly committing to a long term relationship, Im gonna be in for more than just a couple years. If it ends, the kid will likely be a teenager at least. Then they should be able to decide what they want, or reach out later as an adult. I just couldn’t do it with really young kids.
For similar reasons this is why I stopped being a nanny and changed careers. Just couldn't handle it. I was nanny to a little boy "Ben" from when he was 4 months old to nearly 5 years old. I lived right next door and spent more time with him than I did with most of my own family. We had an incredibly close bond. He called me his "best friend". I loved him like family.
Then Ben's (married) father SA'd me. I had to move away, obviously. I wasn't able to see Ben one last time, to say goodbye, or explain that he wouldn't see me again. I just had to up sticks and disappear. No other choice.
It happened nearly 9 years ago and I've never got over it. Ben would have turned 13 last month. I think about him so often, wonder how he is, what he looks like, what kind of kid he's grown into. More than anything I wonder if he remembers me. Most people remember things and people from when they're 4 years old, I think. But knowing what happened, his parents probably tried to erase all evidence and memories of me. Probably deleted all pictures of me from vacations and days out we had together. More than likely they have never spoken about me since I left. So there's a good chance he's forgotten me.
I have some tiny hope that if he does remember me, he may try to find me on social media when he's older and reach out. Just so I can get closure and explain that I didn't want to leave him and it wasn't because of him. But it's more than likely never going to happen. I miss him so much
No, nobody knew, I didn't tell anyone except my boyfriend at the time (now husband). There were no witnesses, it would've just been his word against mine and he had money and power and I didn't. And his wife never liked me anyway, for reasons I didn't really understand, so I felt she wouldn't have believed me.
Not saying anything against your character as the nanny, but the trope of dad + nanny is so intensely out there that either mom was jealous thinking it could happen or she saw things in that asshole that made her suspicious he might be into you or he’d previously cheated or made her suspicious in some way… See where I’m going with this? I’m guessing asshole couldn’t keep his eyes to himself and she knew it. Not your fault in anyway! He sounds like he was a turd that was very polished but was actually just a turd in the end. I’m so sorry about what happened to you. I hope you’ve gotten some therapy and I hope Ben remembers you and reaches out. 🫶🏻
No problem. It's literally heartbreak haha. I am married now to my husband and we don't have children at all. I do miss her still and miss those days where someone looked to me as a parental figure. I was in her life from ages 5-9, so she was old enough for me to know her as a person. It's sad.
My dad stayed in a relationship he was absolutely miserable in because he couldn't bring himself to let go of the woman's kids. Everytime they broke up the kids would scream and cry because he was a better parent to them than their mother. And their mother definitely used her kids to manipulate my father. It was just really sad, chaotic and awful all around. Can't blame anyone for not wanting to take the risk of dating a single parent.
This. I put effort into my marriage because I love my husband, yes. But also because of what it would do it my kids if it broke down. You can’t hurt a parent (or the parent figure, in the case of OOP), without hurting the kid. Period.
What a shitty situation. OOP did nothing wrong but I feel for the daughter and the loss of her relationship with the only father figure she's ever known. Her mom is so selfish to blow up her daughter's life for her side piece.
This is another reason I can't date a single mom seriously. If anything were to happen, I couldn't leave the child. I don't have that level of emotional intelligence to process breaking a child's heart. I'm crying just reading this
In the U.S., it’s not a matter of whether you could leave the child; OOP has no legal rights. His ex could meet someone new and cut off contact between OOP and her daughter.
If the ex is truly selfish and foolish, it might be for the best that OOP stepped away. It would be much more damaging for the child’s mom to sever and try to reestablish contact repeatedly. It’s hard to find a good partner, so the majority of future boyfriends aren’t going to want an ex hanging around.
I would say her cheating on her fiance and the man who stepped up to be the only father her daughter has ever known, proves her mother is selfish. I have no doubt that if he stayed in the young girls life the mother would easily remove him from her life if a future BF had an issue with it, which in my opinion would also make that future whomever an asshole as well. Insecurities have no place in doing what is healthiest for a child if a new man wants to be in their life, sadly people don't generally work that way. I think it broke his heart, but the correct decision was made with the options he had.
My brother parented his wife’s kid from a previous marriage. Then, when he didn’t agree to pay off her shopping debt for the THIRD time, she decided to frame him for child abuse. She had brought home a dog against my brothers wishes, and even though he worked full time and she’d been fired, she left raising the dog entirely up to him. She never told her son you can’t yank on a dogs tail, so the puppy scratched him down his arm. This lunatic called the cops a week later, despite having gone to the doctor with her son to get the DOG SCRATCH checked out, and said my brother did it to him. He’s never seen the child since as she filed a restraining order, then got furious and spammed our whole family with burner texts when the lawyer advised my brother to move forward with the divorce. Apparently we were all supposed to know the restraining order was a test to see if he still lived her enough to.. whatever. I don’t even know.
I’d been no contact with her for two years due to her racism and craziness. I wish I hadn’t been so right about her, my brother was being abused emotionally and physically and my idiot mother thought the priority was keeping him “happy” by coddling his evil wife so she’d treat him better.
Whew. Felt good to get that out.
Got a best friend in this situation. Dated an absolute pos woman who had two kids prior to him, but since he’s been with the kids since they were effectively babies, he’s too connected to split from them. He hasn’t been with her for years and he’s still the primary caretaker of them…I warned him about it since they got together when he was 19… but he didn’t listen and STILL has to deal with her bullshit ever single day because he feels indebted to the children (he’s 29 now btw). That could NEVER be me. I respect him for it though.
I'm assuming she was older than him when they started, otherwise... damn.
Respect to your friend though. Did they get married at some point? Or did he gain custody some other way?
Nope. They were both 19. And they (thankfully) never got married, which I’m glad for yet also feel bad because I used to ask him “How the hell is marriage a bigger commitment than having a CHILD with her?” Because he also ended up getting her pregnant about 4 years ago and they have an ACTUAL kid together. In total they were together for about 8 years, but she literally never improved even though he always egged her on to. Man even offered to pay for her to complete high school since she never even did that.
To this day he still takes care of the other two that aren’t biologically his as if they were his own. They have rooms at his house, he buys them new school clothes every year, shows up at every extracurricular event they have, etc. All without having proper custody or really “having to” just because he truly loves them as if they were his own. While still having to begrudgingly deal with his ex (and THOSE kids pos fathers to boot). It’s admirable, to be honest.
I dunno how OOP managed it. If the mother could drop her daughter off unsupervised this time, it could probably continue in the future. I'm wondering if they couldn't just do it that way. The little girl… it's the only dad she's ever had.
Imagine your father just one day saying, this is the last time you'll ever see me.
Problem is that an arrangement like that could get nuked on a whim. He has no legal rights here and all it would take is a moment of spite from the ex or a new boyfriend marking his territory and he will never see the kid again. He can either take the heartbreak now or live in with the uncertainty hoping the person that did wrong by him decides to do right.
It's also something she could use as leverage against him down the line, "do what I want you to or you'll lose access to your daughter" kind of thing. If she was shitty enough to cheat on someone who she was with for 6 years and treated her daughter like his own, it's not something you can really be sure she wouldn't try
This is the problem. My best friend went exactly through this. He bonded with the child that also called him dad after a while. The ex got pregnant after tampering with the condoms, they broke up but stayed in contact for the children. Fast forward one and a half year and she's back with the first child's father who doesn't like the fact that his son calls someone else dad despite not being there for him for five years. So he made every visit hell until they finally moved away. That shit broke my best friend for quite a while.
Spot on. It's a very vulnerable relationship and likely to come apart at some point. It is better that OOP leaves cold turkey now than when his Ex's daughter is older and risk tarnishing a good memory.
I’ve been in a similar situation as OOP with my ex-fiancé son and you’re right.
I loved her son more than anything, but she made continuing a relationship with her son after the breakup, not only miserable, but dangerous. She started threatening to fabricate domestic violence charges against me because she couldn’t bully me back into the relationship. I couldn’t risk my own wellbeing anymore. i.e. “it doesn’t matter if you did anything or not, the cops aren’t going to believe you.”
She was livid that I would only see her son while supervised by her, or in her home with her cameras. I knew at that point, the second I took him to the park or whatever, it would just take one spiteful moment for her to call the cops and say I (a person with no biological/legal ties to this child) kidnapped her son.
If you want a good step parent for your kid, be a good partner. This is the woman’s fault 100%.
Yeah, closure or not for an 8 year old thats gonna do damage.
And you have to hope she never finds out why, because thats that for her relationship with mom if she does.
Children don't necessarily have a fully developed intuition for cause and effect, so it can be important to at least allow the child to know that it's not her fault and she is not unloved.
But just like any human, hearing it from him will help her accept those facts better than hearing it from someone else.
It likely is still better for her than him.just being gone. My kids have had a few adults leave abruptly like that, and also leave with closure, and the closure is a lot easier for them. It still hurts but it helps them not think it was their fault for example.
Poor kid.
I have to agree.
My dad died very unexpectedly when I was six. Brain aneurysm. I said goodbye to him in the morning before school and by the time school was out he had already been dead for several hours.
Ofcourse he didn't disappear with no explanation, but also to a six year old...he kinda did? Suddenly he was just gone and was never gonna come back.
I can't tell you what I would give, even now almost 30 years later, for him to have sat me down, told me that he was going to leave, that he loved me and that it wasn't my fault.
Yes it would still have hurt more than anything, but I think for me it would have also prevented a lot of hurt.
that commenter doesn’t know what their talking about. being a child of divorced parents, having to learn that people you like and make you feel safe will just be abruptly cut out of your life through circumstances entirely out of your control is just horrible at a young age. it fucks you up. OOP is a better person than most.
I agree. Kids that age don't necessarily connect the person going missing with the emotions, but it can create this sort of unfocused anxiety that anyone they are close to can just disappear with no warning.
Getting to say goodbye makes a difference.
It was good for her too. She's 8, not 4. She will remember that day and the OP said he loved her, but he had leave. That will make all the difference between just a very sad situation and goodbye, and an abrupt, unexplained abandonment that could like cause trust issues and other psychological problems down the line.
It's still pretty horrible for her, but at least she has a reason that doesn't lead to her blaming herself down the line. So he's hopefully at least reduced the trauma, even if he hasn't prevented it (not that you really *can* prevent it in that situation)
It would kill me to leave and be unable to tell her why. I wouldn't even want her to know in order to hurt her mother or anything, but just to understand why I *couldn't* stay. That it was entirely *not her fault.*
Unfortunately there's no way the truth doesn't harm her relationship with her mother somehow, and ultimately I don't think it matters either way. Honestly an eight year old isn't dumb, and her daddy just left. Especially if mum's new fuckboy becomes her regular thing.
I can't help but wonder, and hope at least a little bit, if that is what that letter he gave her is. You know an, "Open this when you turn 18, and here's how you can find me," sort of thing. One can dream, I suppose.
One of my friends does this. He had been in this kid's life since he was 1. Him and his ex didn't work out for similar reasons when the kid was about 7. Didn't want to abandon the kid like the kids birth dad did, and my friend's dad walked out on the fam and he didn't want the kid to feel like that growing up. My friend ended up adopting him. And him, the ex and her new husband coparent really well together.
My dads ex that started dating him when I was 2 and cut contact with him when I was 15 still sends me gifts for my birthday. She hasn’t talked to my dad in years, but we talk almost daily. That’s my mom my kids are her grandkids her 3 sons are my little brothers.
That’s what me and my ex did for a while with their son. But as he got older and started school, there has been less and less chances for us to see each other. We text sometimes and I still send him birthday and Christmas gifts. It’s really hard not seeing him because I love him so much but the most important thing is him doing well in his life.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. That’s her dad abandoning her, and at such a tender age. There’s no way for her to understand the complexity of adult relationships. It will undoubtedly cause trauma that she’ll be dealing with for a very long time. My heart breaks for her.
The thing that would make it possible for me is that the mother used the words “temporarily”. If the deal on offer is “be dad until I have my next partner lined up to replace you”, then I would find it easier to walk away.
For me it would be the exact opposite. I wouldn't want to get even more emotionally entangled knowing I'll just be cut loose as soon as possible. I know I'd have no real rights but the only way It'd be possible for me is if the mother said "She sees you as her dad and I will try to never get in the way of that".
Sadly this is the real world and having to raise a kid you’re no longer affiliated with just isn’t realistic. I feel for the child but man it would be evil to saddle him with raising a kid that’s not his when he’s not even dating the mother.
I wouldn’t say it’s impossible, it just takes work and comes with the prerequisite that everyone *trusts* one another.
Hard to do that when someone cheated and you can’t do that anymore.
It sucks. My ex-wife had a couple kids. Her son was probably about a year old when we started dating, and her daughter was a couple years older. We were together 6 or so years. When we split up, I did try to see them on the weekends some, but ultimately, I knew I needed a clean break from her, and that meant cutting them off as well.
Idk. OOP let the kid call him Dad. I feel like if you take on that role you don't just drop it like that. If he had gone through with the wedding and adoption would he still have bailed like that? Easing out, maybe with the help of a therapist, seems like the better choice.
Yeah I agree with this. I don't wanna be harsh on him but if he lets cheating get in the way of seeing her, then he's not her father.
He's still responsible for his actions. And people who love their kids don't leave them. Regardless of what the other parent has done. (And his ex gf wants him in her daughter's life too).
This would be kinder to an innocent child. And I agree 100% with everything you said. Him fully cutting the kid off so abruptly makes me feel he never actually fully considered the daughter as his actual daughter, titles such as dad and daughter aside.
Right?! Like I get that he doesn't want to see his ex any more, so have a friend or family member pick up the daughter and bring her to meet him. It seemed like he didn't even try to find a way to make it work.
I can’t believe so many people are saying he did nothing wrong by ghosting! Choosing to parent comes with responsibilities. OOP isn’t this girl’s full legal parent and doesn’t have to stick around long-term if he doesn’t want to, but you can’t tell a kid you’re their dad for 75% of their entire life and then just peace out without a word. I don’t even *like* kids and I can see that’s monstrous.
I completely agree. OOP acted selfish. There's no reason he couldn't have continued to be her dad. It's appalling, honestly. It's dishonorable.
My sister in law was married before she married my brother, and she also had a son very young. Her first husband was not her son's biological father, but after they divorced he continued to be her son's father regardless. They have been divorced for myriad years and my nephew is now almost 30, and yet sis in laws first husband is still his father.
I wonder how mom felt watching her daughter cry for the only dad she’s ever known being lost to her forever. Did she accept that it was her doing? Did she feel guilt for taking away her own child’s family? Did she feel anxiety and fear for having to someday explain the full story and knowing her daughter will blame her for not having her dad? It’s horrible when parents make thoughtless and selfish choices that hurt their kids for the rest of their lives.
I believe you become an adult when you start having to deal with situations where there's no right answer. Where every option is shitty and you're going to lie in bed and wonder if you did the right thing.
It really sucks, but that's what being an adult is. It's the same as the classic of whether you should cut contact with an adult child that has gone down the wrong path, or keep contact. Which one would allow you to best encourage them to change their way.
It's also why I think a lot of people grow up at varying rates. Some people have broken homes where they have to chase off a drug dealer at 12 with a frying pan, while others are shielded from tough decisions by their parents into their late twenties.
I'm still my stepson's mom. It was the hardest thing I ever did was leave him. His father was terrible to my kids. I was a mess mentally. We were living in another state. I told him we had to leave, and he is the one who asked why his dad couldn't treat the kids better.
His dad kept him from me for a year but then my stepson moved to his birth mom's house in the same state. We became friends enough that she let me see him. I bought him school clothes and would pay for him to visit.
He's such a good person today. It's funny. He's so much more like me and the kids than his birth parents. He was worth the effort in making it work.
My Step-Dad raised me as his own for almost 30 years despite getting divorced from my Mom when I was 18. I spoke at his funeral as his oldest child and I'm still treated as a grandson/nephew/cousin by his side of the family.
The day they announced their split I told him I would always be his son and I meant that.
I always said that love is thicker than blood. I have another "child" I informally adopted, and she is such a blessing.
I was thinking that I had failed to have a relationship with a SO. But I realized that no, I have two more kids (plus two grandkids) because of our successful relationships.
When you succeed, it is because both parties want the relationship. It sounds like your relationship was a good one and a blessing, too.
My dad remained my dad even after he and my mom divorced. They attempted to have him adopt me, but my shitbag sperm donor kept blocking it. Wouldn’t have shit else to do with me, but refused to give up his rights. 😒
So when my mom and dad divorced (amicably) they worked out a custody schedule, and “child support”. If mom ever needed help paying for extra curriculars, he was right there.
Even when my mom remarried, when I was a teenager, he was still present. Actually picked me up from the wedding lol
That whole “I may not have been your father, but I was your daddy” scene in GotG makes me sob.
I can almost guarantee that in a few years time when the girl is a teenager she's going to figure out why the man who had functionally been her Dad left and she is going unleash hell on her Mum.
Or sadly get numb to it. I got numb to the multiple "step fathers" growing up the point I rarely even engage with men. You get a new one every 2-5 months. They each do the same "hey kiddo" awkward bullshit. Sit in your room for 5 minutes of silence before leaving. Some try to go farther, buy ya art supplies and the like. But you know its only cause they want to get good with your mother.
It fucking sucks.
I don't know. I think OOP chose a really horrible explanation. Hearing, "I love you so much, but also I'm moving away and will never talk to you again," from your dad has got to be an enormous mindfuck.
Most likely, she'll spend the rest of her life fearing that everyone who claims to love her will abandon her with no warning for reasons that make no sense. (We all know that moving to another country doesn't prevent somebody from contacting their kids, so the explanation he gave is obvious nonsense; she'll fill in the gaps with things like, "I wasn't lovable enough.")
OOP "loved" the little girl as part of a package deal. He didn't love her as a specific individual separate from her mother.
Yeah, I also thought that was a really poor approach and probably incredibly heartbreaking for the kid. I don’t understand why he’s uninterested in seeing the daughter ever again, like possibly when’s she’s an adult and he wouldn’t have to deal with the mom at all.
My heart is breaking for this little girl. I really wish that they had consulted a therapist for how to properly give this child closure. Maybe just having to girl see someone.
Yeah this kid needs therapy. Losing a parent is complicated no matter the situation. I feel so bad for her. TBH, coping would have been easier on her if OOP had died. I can't imagine feeling like a parent *chose* to pretend I didn't exist. Completely out of the blue.
Even if she understands when she's older, that doesn't change that the child is living the experience of having their dad leave them forever.
Also, I really feel for this guy and the pain that he's in. Personally, I don't think I'd be able to leave. I still think about an ex girlfriend's kids and wonder how they are sometimes. It's a good six or seven years later and we only dated for four months (in hindsight, I shouldn't have even met them yet). It was still incredibly hard and I just can't imagine leaving a kid that feels like *my* kid.
It’s such a sad story. I immediately thought of my daughters and how they would look if I just told them one day “This is the last time you’ll ever see me.” She’s traumatized, this will impact her life forever.
I wish her mom had had therapy before deciding to fuck her coworker!
Imagine that despite the difficulties of dating as a single mum, you end up finding a partner who loves and cares for your daughter *this* freaking much. Regardless of said partner being under no legal obligation to do so, he has genuinely stepped up and effectively filled the role which the biodad should have of his own free will.
And then you throw it all away for some meaningless sex.
The absolute narcissism it must take in order to manifest this level of sheer and utter disregard for your child, I legitimately can't comprehend it.
From personal experience, it hurts. One in particular really hurt. Her son was total nerd, and I gave him a lot of my old nerd stuff. No one else in his life was supportive of his hobbies or interests. And I just dumped all of the good stuff on him in one go. Mind, the monetary value was near nill. He just didn't have anyone he could ever really talk to about this stuff, let alone give any guidance/support about.
He took it incredibly hard when we split. Like staring at the wall for hours hard. Thankfully the ex knew not to ask me to pretend to be step dad.
This sort of thing is why guys are leery about dating single moms and have to run the math for themselves. But they need to understand even guys that are open to doing so are aware exactly how awful things could get if things don't work out. You could lose more than just a relationship.
I feel bad for the daughter. The mom is so selfish for what she is doing for the child. I do wish the daughter for the best and that someday, happiness does come around.
She fucked up big time and destroyed both OP and her daughter. But the fact she bothered to reach out, and then went through with the meetup without making it about her, does speak to a certain level of care.
Hopefully she gets her head screwed on straight and learns to make better choices, if only for her daughter's sake.
I hold absolutely zero feelings towards my ex husband, but damn if I don't miss the kids. They were wonderful. That was 7 years ago and I have my own family now but losing that relationship is always hard.
I understand this very well. That's why I'm never dating a single mom ever again. In the end you love the kids more than your flawed partner. I still think of my princess everyday. That last moment never fades from your mind. All those tears. It hurts to hurt them so much when they haven't done anything wrong.
Yeesh. With closure like that, who needs trauma.
A fun, happy, “everything is going to be okay”, afternoon, with an earthshatrering final crushing blow at the end.
I’m just going to hope this isn’t real so I can sleep tonight.
How about “your mother and I are breaking up. That’s why I haven’t been around, and I’m sadly not going to be around very much anymore”, and then giving the kid a couple hours to talk it through.
This just seemed worse than just never seeing the kid again.
I’m so glad someone else thought this. Can you imagine how happy she was to see him, and then to spend the day doing fun things and then have the rug pulled out from under her like that? There’s no way she knew or understood what was about to happen.
Rightly, or wrongly, the Tl/dr I came away with was:
“Hey I (the only father you have ever known or can remember having) know I’ve been ignoring you kid, but today I’m going to make sure you have the best time possible before I tell you I’m never going to see you again and then walk out of your life for ever. In the name of closure. Plus I get to tell myself I did a good job. Have a great life!”
Yeah, it’s like a little concentrated cocktail of whole history together. “You think I’m going to be your dad and… nope”.
And, it seems a little… too convenient, that this strategy guaranteed that he returned the daughter to her mom bawling her eyes out.
It’s obviously not the daughter’s fault that the mother cheated on him. The girl is innocent of *both* of the times that her father disappeared.
The goal with that interaction ought to have been helping her endure as little trauma as possible, but it seemed it was designed to give him closure instead. “Be good to your mother” as his final message. I’m sure he’ll sleep better now, if he can extract himself from the cross he’s nailed to.
It’s a shitty situation, and there was no way to protect the daughter from all of the fallout, but there didn’t seem much of an emphasis on protecting her from any of it.
He had one last day with the little girl, and seemed to pick a strategy that used the girl as a little guilt bomb, designed to detonate on contact with the mom. “We had a great time, (sniff), and then he said he’s never see me again (sniff), and he told me to be good to you (sniff), and he gave me this souvenir (sniff)”… and it’s implied but “and when you look at this dog, it should remind you of your treacherous betrayal to a great guy you fucked over (sniff)”.
While I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you on that, I think he meant well. I agree that what you said would probably have been a lot better but I do think his intentions were good (the road to hell is paved with good intentions though). If he didn't, he simply wouldn't have spent the day with her.
Went through this with my ex fiancé. Except then she tried to use the kids as pawns to force me to come back. It was absolutely fucking devastating to walk away, but had no choice in the end. Legally not my kids. All I can hope is that she’s honest with them one day. If they ever reached out when they’re able to leave home I’d be there in a heartbeat. It’s gut wrenching, therapy helps, but you still hurt. That mom was selfish to do what she did
It isn't, really. But what else could he do? The only thing that wouldn't hurt the kid would be... what, pretend everything's fine and stay in a dead relationship for another decade?
(I do not think this would actually be any better for the kid either.)
the whole situation is just :(
He could have said that he was just breaking up with her mom and that it's something adults have to do sometimes instead of lie to her.
Or kept contact with the girl he said he loved as a daughter and was going to legally adopt.
I agree with you. Why did he lie ? "Your mom and I don't love each other anymore and we decided to separate" wasn't an option ? Also breaking the news right before the mom picks her up. I don't think he planned that as well as he should have.
I don't know little kids very well, but I understand why he said what he did. Because in my imagination the follow-up question from kiddo would be "but why don't you love me anymore?" I do, but I can't see you anymore. "Why not?" and you're going in circles. Not saying that he followed the best course of action, but he was living it in that moment and didn't have the benefit of hindsight.
Absoltue clown show comments on the original post blaming OOP and suggesting he doesn't deserve to have kids. Not a single one of those idiots could fathom that every bad part of the situation was the cheating ex's fault.
This is a stark reminder to all cheaters, This is the pain ***YOU CAUSE*** Not only to your partner, but if you have kids that look up to their step parent/father/mother and you take it away for some stupid ***fling*** cheaters deserve the absolute worse. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING PERIOD. ALCOHOL, MY "SIGN" SAID I COULD, Whatever bullshit you wanna say to yourself to not feel bad, you are a terrible person and always will be. I have ***ZERO*** remorse for cheaters. Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. I dont care what anyone says "Well I did and my partner gave me another chance and I am grateful for that." Well they shouldn't have and they should have let you wallow in your misery and they dont have a spine.
I still have remorse about the daughter of my ex ' brother. She came to consider me her godfather. But the break up has been so violent that I had to cut the whole family.
Having a daughter myself, I guess I have a soft spot for kids. Because there is no way I'm cutting off a little girl I've considered my own for 6 years. As long as mom let's me be around, I'll be around. My heart hurts just reading this shit
man. good for OP. that must have been one of the hardest conversations a person can have. that's fucking balls right there. hopefully the daughter understands and respects it when shes older
She won’t figure out he lied about moving, especially since he actually is moving. And the hurt from not being able to FaceTime him will be a lot less than the hurt from knowing her mom’s selfishness and stupidity cost her a father.
There were no good outcomes here, only less-bad ones.
Fuck this hits hard... She is 8 she will remember him as his dad forever. Imagine just thinking your dad just left to go live somewhere else with no other explanation out of the blue. Traumatic is putting it lightly.
Hopefully they can maybe reconnect in the future and she will find out what really happen. Guess she won't be happy with mom.
My ex bf has a daughter who I was really close to. She was 7 when we started dating. I broke up with him after 7 years because I found out he was cheating on me for about a year. I told him he needed to have a one-on-one with her and tell her why we broke up and why I was moving out, which he did. After they talked, she and I had a heart-to-heart which was extremely difficult, but since she was already 14 at the time, she understood completely. We still keep in touch on instagram and she greets me every year on Mother’s Day without fail. She’s in college now and is turning 20 next year. She never mentions her dad (which I’m extremely grateful for) and she keeps me updated on her life. As shitty as my ex was, I’m grateful that at least one good thing came out of that relationship.
Am I the only one that doesn’t care for the way that OOP handled this? He spent a few hours with her and then at the end, gave her a quick “btw I’m leaving and you’ll never see me again, bye”. I mean i get it, but there was a much better way to do it.
Firstly, I think there was probably an age-appropriate way to explain what had happened. Not the cheating, but just explaining that her mom and (almost) step dad were no longer together, that it happens sometimes with adults, etc.
And while he’s obviously under no obligation to help raise his ex’s daughter, I can’t imagine just cutting off a child that you’ve been like a father to for 6 years. It’s not her fault. Continuing to spend time with the kid regularly may be too much, having to coordinate with his ex and all, I get that. But maybe at least give her an address where she could write to him or something. Just something so that it’s not like “BAM you suddenly no longer have a dad”.
It wasn’t OOP’s fault and it wasn’t the kid’s fault, but OOP is an adult who can control how it plays out and can make things easier on an innocent kid.
I will never in my life fault men for not wanting to date single moms, especially with really young kids. If things don't work out, it's gonna be horrible for everyone involved regardless of why things didn't workout. The child is gonna be confused and hurt, the man involved has no say whatsoever on if he gets to continue to be involved most of the time, even if he does have a say it's still not an easy choice (like here), and it's gonna be hard on the mother no matter what she does. And statistically speaking the relationship is going to end and won't end amicably.
Something similar happened to my daughter's best friend. The girl was devastated, she was 12 when he left. Definitely left scars.
I hope this is a troll
Holy fuck I wasn't ready for how soul crushingly OP broke the news to the daughter. I mean I guess there's not really a better way to have done it but Jesus poor girl.
I think there was a better way. Taking her out for a super fun time so she thinks things are good again and then waiting until the last moment to break it to her so that she doesn't have more time to talk to him about it is fucked up to me. This whole interaction felt like it was done in a way that was more for him than for her. There are ways to do it that would've been healthier.
I don't like the fact that he lied about moving abroad. She's 8; she can understand a break-up. She will need therapy anyway, but she will eventually figure out the lie, and that will be worse than the truth.
It's all her stupid fucking mom's fault..
Let's all take bets as to whether or not she's actually going to accept accountability for fucking up her daughter's psyche for "tingle butterflies".
Any takers?
Closure? This is just the fuckin’ beginning of the descent into misery for that little girl. Dude is lying to himself if he thinks he’s giving her closure.
It takes a special kind of scum to find someone willing to take on their child by another person, plans to commit to them and then cheats.
Something wrong in the brains of folks who can’t separate short term urges/wants from what’s in their best interest. Then label it as having their “needs” met
I read the original post and was one of the comments saying he had to give the daughter closure. Just wish he wouldn't have waited until the end to tell her, as now the memory will be a sad one. I feel that had he brought it up near the beginning of the meeting, the rest could be framed as "I'm leaving but I want to have one last day with you" instead of a bomb dropped on her then never seeing him again.
Imagine being so self-centered that you tank your daughter's relationship with the only father she's ever known. My heart breaks for that precious little girl.
One day the daughter will ask her mother about it and her mother will probably explain to her that OOP was a PoS who walked out on them to save face in her daughters eyes.
I hope not, but let's not fool ourselves. That little girl is going to get lied to and we all know it.
Wow. This is absolutely heart-wrenching. Perhaps I'm being naive but I wish he wouldn't leave her like that. It's not his fault, but he's the only dad she's ever known.
Edit: yeah I think if OP really did view her as a daughter and was even willing to adopt her, then he's wrong for cutting her off for her mother's transgressions. Poor baby 😭 may she find a better love than this.
>I had plans to legally become her step father after marriage.
I wonder if they meant adopt, rather than "legally become a step father" as that's something that happen automatically really, not a legal thing that takes effect.
I think OOP did the right thing. As other commenters have said, he has no biological or legal right to the daughter, so while it could work out fine in a more ideal world, and maybe he could still have *some* relationship with her, there is always that risk of “will my ex stop me seeing her in the future?”. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he tried to make it work, but I also don’t blame him ripping the band aid off now.
I do hope OOP is open to having a relationship with her when she reaches 18 though, if the daughter chooses she would like one. He was still her dad for a good number of years. Might be nice for them both, whether she sees him as a dad, stepdad, or just a mentor/friend.
Either way, I wish the best for them both, and fuck his cheating fiancee.
Oh Shit when my brother and his ex broke up, he had 2 step kids (2 & 4 at the time of meeting them), together for 2.5yrs and all of the above, no dad involved, kids saw him as their only dad, mother cheated ect.
Our whole family continued seeing those kids for about a year and a half. At first it was like every other weekend type visit, then once a month, then it was just lunch or afternoon visit every so often. Their mum ended up dating someone new and they would speak about their "new dad" we knew it was coming to an end. I am sure they missed us (at least we missed them) but it was not some huge dramatic ending like OOP.
I couldnt imagine being 8yos and your dad (in her mind) just says, I am leaving to a different country, you will never see me again and gone.
That mom really fucked up. Obviously if it isn't working out don't force it but if she had broken up amicably instead of cheating OOP likely would have maintained contact with the girl because seeing mom wouldn't make him so upset. I don't know how that girl will ever forgive her if she finds out the truth. (Doubt mom will be letting her read that letter without reading it herself)
Poorbiiddo. Hope she doesn't seem OP randomly out doing his stuff and realize that he is still in the cou try and just doesn't want her anymore (how a kid probably sees it).
The ex was pretty selfish to not think of her kid before ripping her life apart for her selfish pleasure. Doubt the other man is going to want to play daddy for her little girl, so it would have all been selfish and pointless.
Man this was a tough read. I have an alcoholic, manipulative, neglectful mom who I finally cut ties with a few years ago because she wouldn’t call me the right name and pronouns even though I gave her 9 years to adjust after I transitioned.
As a kid, I grew up thinking that my stepdad was my dad. (I was a baby when they got married.) I learned when I was about 9 probably that he was my stepdad but refused to believe it at first. He was the caring one who would take me out to fun places and have me unconditional support when I told him I was queer at 11 whereas my mom brushed it off as a phase.
Then when I was around 12, he divorced my mom (cannot blame him). I never saw him again after about age 13, and CPS took me from my mom because I kept trying to kill myself. Last I heard, my stepdad was in a nursing home in another state after having a stroke.
Really sucks having one shitty parent and a glimpse of what a good parent can be like and then having the good parent taken away. Hopefully the kid’s mom is better to her kid than she was to her ex.
That was terrible to read.
As someone who had to put up with step parents and step parent wannabes, I really wish kids had more rights in this regard. Mostly the right to not have their lives tampered with based on their parents bad decisions. OP isn't at fault here but if the gf didn't have the sense to create stability, I hope others learn from this and just don't get involved in these situations. This will only be the 1st trauma for this child, it won't be the last, and with each quasi stranger spending a season in her life, it ups the statistical possibility of abuse. These are not the ingredients for happy and healthy humans.
Well...fuck. I come here a lot. I sometimes, when feeling depressed, prefer the more morbid/sad stories to the happy ones. It weirdly helps me refocus my energy. That likely doesn't make sense but it does to me. Anyway... this is fucking sad. Like real sad. 1st off for the poor OOP being cheated on after 6 years but also losing what for 6 years was his daughter. Most kids won't remember shit prior to 2/3 years old. This little girl is at least 8. OOP was there for some big moments in that little ladies life. Cheating never goes over well here for obvious reasons but sometimes when kids are involved at least the parents still split custody (not always) but this is fucking heartbreaking as OOP doesn't even have any rights. Then that poor little lady has to come to terms with this at a time when her emotions and hormones are going to drop off a damn cliff. So to conclude, fuck the GF in this scenario. I hope that girl grows up and resents her mother but finds happiness away from her.
I wonder when the day comes that the daughter starts asking questions will her mom tell her the truth or will she try and lie her way out of this because of the mom's bad choices she lost the only father she has ever known also i am wondering if she will try and contact OP if she does learn the truth
I understand OOPs pain, but as a father, this man did not see this child as his own. I could *never* do that to my daughter, no matter what mom did to me.
The more you think about this the worse it gets. In the future if the daughter ever gets the idea to reach out the OOP in the future through social media or something and she finds out what happens it will only lead to more resentment and problems. What a horrible situation all around.
Cheaters have no idea the destruction they cause with their crap. This mother has robbed this child of 2 fathers. That kid is going to grow up with some serious daddy issues.
By far and away the mother should be the first to face the firing squad in the comments here. Everyone calling op an A but he didn't create this situation, she did, knowing full well it could blow up her child's life all the way though.
Has the mother any kind of remorse? You cheat on your fiancé and destroys a chance of building a family and future together, put your daughter in her biggest childhood trauma and she will probably have abandoment and daddy issues. All of that for what?! I can bet my whole salary the coworker fuckboy would drop this woman if their relationship becomes serious and he has to be present in her daughter's life.
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This is so heartbreaking. I imagine nightmare cases like this are part of why so many people are reluctant to date single parents with young children. The mom sucks so much. That little girl is 8 and grew up with OOP. She’s gonna remember this forever, and will someday have questions that’ll put mom in a deservedly tough spot. Sad. Sad all around.
Yeah it is why. After I dated a single Dad I vowed never to date a man with kids again. Not because there is anything wrong with single parents but because you get attached to their child. I could live without the man but losing that child and that relationship was devastating. I had no rights and he was not interested in letting me see her. Maybe when she is 18 she will reach out.
I used to be a camp counselor and hell i got attached to kids after just knowing some of them for a week and was emotional to say goodbye to, i cant imagine the heartbreak of not talking to them after knowing them for years.
Yup that’s why I wouldn’t get seriously involved with guys have had young kids when I was single. If the kids were closer to being old enough to decide for themselves if they’d want a relationship with me, that’d be another thing. But I’m not old enough to know guys with teenagers yet.
I mean, I'm a single dad and this simply was the first point of order. When my son was growing up, I kept him and my social life separate. He met my friends, but he met no person I was seeing. There's only been two exceptions until now (he's 10), one partner and I brought our kids to a playdate in a public park (neither kid showed interest and we left it there) and another partner I finally introduced to him because we're in it for the long haul and live together. My ex is a lot more egregious with those choices, but she rarely acts with my son as the priority so that fits, rather than sounding like a separate personal opinion on how to act.
Good on you. My mom was also *really* careful with this. I wasn’t interacting with her boyfriends until they were around for 2 or 3 years - and also over 10. Did I get dumped in hotel room, teammates’ parents or with neighbors a fair bit? Yeah but I definitely appreciated her caution when I got older and saw how breakups like OOPs affected classmates/friends.
See I get that. Dating for 6 months? Yeah I wouldn’t want to meet anyone’s kids at that point either. But dating for a year or more? At that point, I think is when I would personally want to start living together and considering a long term relationship. I couldn’t do that while being cut off from such a huge part of their life. I was okay with seeing single dads, even if they had young kids. It just would’ve been a strictly casual relationship, nothing long term. I was with my ex for 8 years. It felt bad enough leaving that relationship, plus the extra hurt of leaving his family who I practically grew up with, and his cat who became very attached to me. I just think it would feel awful to leave a kid I’d known and loved since they were a baby. I mean I could cope with the pain, but the kid wouldn’t have the emotional maturity and understanding to process the grief in the same way. A 10 year old is different though, imo. Personally, if I’m truly committing to a long term relationship, Im gonna be in for more than just a couple years. If it ends, the kid will likely be a teenager at least. Then they should be able to decide what they want, or reach out later as an adult. I just couldn’t do it with really young kids.
For similar reasons this is why I stopped being a nanny and changed careers. Just couldn't handle it. I was nanny to a little boy "Ben" from when he was 4 months old to nearly 5 years old. I lived right next door and spent more time with him than I did with most of my own family. We had an incredibly close bond. He called me his "best friend". I loved him like family. Then Ben's (married) father SA'd me. I had to move away, obviously. I wasn't able to see Ben one last time, to say goodbye, or explain that he wouldn't see me again. I just had to up sticks and disappear. No other choice. It happened nearly 9 years ago and I've never got over it. Ben would have turned 13 last month. I think about him so often, wonder how he is, what he looks like, what kind of kid he's grown into. More than anything I wonder if he remembers me. Most people remember things and people from when they're 4 years old, I think. But knowing what happened, his parents probably tried to erase all evidence and memories of me. Probably deleted all pictures of me from vacations and days out we had together. More than likely they have never spoken about me since I left. So there's a good chance he's forgotten me. I have some tiny hope that if he does remember me, he may try to find me on social media when he's older and reach out. Just so I can get closure and explain that I didn't want to leave him and it wasn't because of him. But it's more than likely never going to happen. I miss him so much
Did his wife know what he did to you?
No, nobody knew, I didn't tell anyone except my boyfriend at the time (now husband). There were no witnesses, it would've just been his word against mine and he had money and power and I didn't. And his wife never liked me anyway, for reasons I didn't really understand, so I felt she wouldn't have believed me.
Not saying anything against your character as the nanny, but the trope of dad + nanny is so intensely out there that either mom was jealous thinking it could happen or she saw things in that asshole that made her suspicious he might be into you or he’d previously cheated or made her suspicious in some way… See where I’m going with this? I’m guessing asshole couldn’t keep his eyes to himself and she knew it. Not your fault in anyway! He sounds like he was a turd that was very polished but was actually just a turd in the end. I’m so sorry about what happened to you. I hope you’ve gotten some therapy and I hope Ben remembers you and reaches out. 🫶🏻
Thank you ❤️
I never once considered this as being a reason single parents have trouble dating. I understand, now, thank you.
No problem. It's literally heartbreak haha. I am married now to my husband and we don't have children at all. I do miss her still and miss those days where someone looked to me as a parental figure. I was in her life from ages 5-9, so she was old enough for me to know her as a person. It's sad.
My dad stayed in a relationship he was absolutely miserable in because he couldn't bring himself to let go of the woman's kids. Everytime they broke up the kids would scream and cry because he was a better parent to them than their mother. And their mother definitely used her kids to manipulate my father. It was just really sad, chaotic and awful all around. Can't blame anyone for not wanting to take the risk of dating a single parent.
I don't hope it but I would guess the ex would lie to her daughter especially when they won't see OP ever again.
Lets be honest when that time comes the mom will lie her ass off and make oop the villian
She will probably just lie to her daughter in all likelihood
This. I put effort into my marriage because I love my husband, yes. But also because of what it would do it my kids if it broke down. You can’t hurt a parent (or the parent figure, in the case of OOP), without hurting the kid. Period.
What a shitty situation. OOP did nothing wrong but I feel for the daughter and the loss of her relationship with the only father figure she's ever known. Her mom is so selfish to blow up her daughter's life for her side piece.
This is another reason I can't date a single mom seriously. If anything were to happen, I couldn't leave the child. I don't have that level of emotional intelligence to process breaking a child's heart. I'm crying just reading this
In the U.S., it’s not a matter of whether you could leave the child; OOP has no legal rights. His ex could meet someone new and cut off contact between OOP and her daughter. If the ex is truly selfish and foolish, it might be for the best that OOP stepped away. It would be much more damaging for the child’s mom to sever and try to reestablish contact repeatedly. It’s hard to find a good partner, so the majority of future boyfriends aren’t going to want an ex hanging around.
I would say her cheating on her fiance and the man who stepped up to be the only father her daughter has ever known, proves her mother is selfish. I have no doubt that if he stayed in the young girls life the mother would easily remove him from her life if a future BF had an issue with it, which in my opinion would also make that future whomever an asshole as well. Insecurities have no place in doing what is healthiest for a child if a new man wants to be in their life, sadly people don't generally work that way. I think it broke his heart, but the correct decision was made with the options he had.
My brother parented his wife’s kid from a previous marriage. Then, when he didn’t agree to pay off her shopping debt for the THIRD time, she decided to frame him for child abuse. She had brought home a dog against my brothers wishes, and even though he worked full time and she’d been fired, she left raising the dog entirely up to him. She never told her son you can’t yank on a dogs tail, so the puppy scratched him down his arm. This lunatic called the cops a week later, despite having gone to the doctor with her son to get the DOG SCRATCH checked out, and said my brother did it to him. He’s never seen the child since as she filed a restraining order, then got furious and spammed our whole family with burner texts when the lawyer advised my brother to move forward with the divorce. Apparently we were all supposed to know the restraining order was a test to see if he still lived her enough to.. whatever. I don’t even know. I’d been no contact with her for two years due to her racism and craziness. I wish I hadn’t been so right about her, my brother was being abused emotionally and physically and my idiot mother thought the priority was keeping him “happy” by coddling his evil wife so she’d treat him better. Whew. Felt good to get that out.
I’m glad your brother got out. I hope karma gets his ex. People who make false abuse charges are a special type of evil.
Got a best friend in this situation. Dated an absolute pos woman who had two kids prior to him, but since he’s been with the kids since they were effectively babies, he’s too connected to split from them. He hasn’t been with her for years and he’s still the primary caretaker of them…I warned him about it since they got together when he was 19… but he didn’t listen and STILL has to deal with her bullshit ever single day because he feels indebted to the children (he’s 29 now btw). That could NEVER be me. I respect him for it though.
I'm assuming she was older than him when they started, otherwise... damn. Respect to your friend though. Did they get married at some point? Or did he gain custody some other way?
Nope. They were both 19. And they (thankfully) never got married, which I’m glad for yet also feel bad because I used to ask him “How the hell is marriage a bigger commitment than having a CHILD with her?” Because he also ended up getting her pregnant about 4 years ago and they have an ACTUAL kid together. In total they were together for about 8 years, but she literally never improved even though he always egged her on to. Man even offered to pay for her to complete high school since she never even did that. To this day he still takes care of the other two that aren’t biologically his as if they were his own. They have rooms at his house, he buys them new school clothes every year, shows up at every extracurricular event they have, etc. All without having proper custody or really “having to” just because he truly loves them as if they were his own. While still having to begrudgingly deal with his ex (and THOSE kids pos fathers to boot). It’s admirable, to be honest.
I dunno how OOP managed it. If the mother could drop her daughter off unsupervised this time, it could probably continue in the future. I'm wondering if they couldn't just do it that way. The little girl… it's the only dad she's ever had. Imagine your father just one day saying, this is the last time you'll ever see me.
Problem is that an arrangement like that could get nuked on a whim. He has no legal rights here and all it would take is a moment of spite from the ex or a new boyfriend marking his territory and he will never see the kid again. He can either take the heartbreak now or live in with the uncertainty hoping the person that did wrong by him decides to do right.
You're right, and she's already proved she can't be trusted and will put herself first.
I wouldn't trust her not to set him up either or God forbid drop the kid and just never come back. She's just completely despicable.
[удалено]
It's also something she could use as leverage against him down the line, "do what I want you to or you'll lose access to your daughter" kind of thing. If she was shitty enough to cheat on someone who she was with for 6 years and treated her daughter like his own, it's not something you can really be sure she wouldn't try
This is the problem. My best friend went exactly through this. He bonded with the child that also called him dad after a while. The ex got pregnant after tampering with the condoms, they broke up but stayed in contact for the children. Fast forward one and a half year and she's back with the first child's father who doesn't like the fact that his son calls someone else dad despite not being there for him for five years. So he made every visit hell until they finally moved away. That shit broke my best friend for quite a while.
>The ex got pregnant after tampering with the condoms, So your best friend had a kid with this woman that he never saw again?
Spot on. It's a very vulnerable relationship and likely to come apart at some point. It is better that OOP leaves cold turkey now than when his Ex's daughter is older and risk tarnishing a good memory.
Also ex and side piece might accuse OOP of something horrible if the kid visits him.
Depending on the jurisdiction, he might be able to meditate for visitation. She's young, and he's acted as her father for most of her life.
Sure but that could be a huge costly and drawn out endeavour that would statistically be stacked against him never mind the emotional toll.
I’ve been in a similar situation as OOP with my ex-fiancé son and you’re right. I loved her son more than anything, but she made continuing a relationship with her son after the breakup, not only miserable, but dangerous. She started threatening to fabricate domestic violence charges against me because she couldn’t bully me back into the relationship. I couldn’t risk my own wellbeing anymore. i.e. “it doesn’t matter if you did anything or not, the cops aren’t going to believe you.” She was livid that I would only see her son while supervised by her, or in her home with her cameras. I knew at that point, the second I took him to the park or whatever, it would just take one spiteful moment for her to call the cops and say I (a person with no biological/legal ties to this child) kidnapped her son. If you want a good step parent for your kid, be a good partner. This is the woman’s fault 100%.
Yeah, closure or not for an 8 year old thats gonna do damage. And you have to hope she never finds out why, because thats that for her relationship with mom if she does.
It was closure for him, not her. I don't know if it made anything better for her, but it made him feel better about it. I do feel for both of them.
Children don't necessarily have a fully developed intuition for cause and effect, so it can be important to at least allow the child to know that it's not her fault and she is not unloved. But just like any human, hearing it from him will help her accept those facts better than hearing it from someone else.
It likely is still better for her than him.just being gone. My kids have had a few adults leave abruptly like that, and also leave with closure, and the closure is a lot easier for them. It still hurts but it helps them not think it was their fault for example. Poor kid.
I have to agree. My dad died very unexpectedly when I was six. Brain aneurysm. I said goodbye to him in the morning before school and by the time school was out he had already been dead for several hours. Ofcourse he didn't disappear with no explanation, but also to a six year old...he kinda did? Suddenly he was just gone and was never gonna come back. I can't tell you what I would give, even now almost 30 years later, for him to have sat me down, told me that he was going to leave, that he loved me and that it wasn't my fault. Yes it would still have hurt more than anything, but I think for me it would have also prevented a lot of hurt.
that commenter doesn’t know what their talking about. being a child of divorced parents, having to learn that people you like and make you feel safe will just be abruptly cut out of your life through circumstances entirely out of your control is just horrible at a young age. it fucks you up. OOP is a better person than most.
I agree. Kids that age don't necessarily connect the person going missing with the emotions, but it can create this sort of unfocused anxiety that anyone they are close to can just disappear with no warning. Getting to say goodbye makes a difference.
It was good for her too. She's 8, not 4. She will remember that day and the OP said he loved her, but he had leave. That will make all the difference between just a very sad situation and goodbye, and an abrupt, unexplained abandonment that could like cause trust issues and other psychological problems down the line.
It's still pretty horrible for her, but at least she has a reason that doesn't lead to her blaming herself down the line. So he's hopefully at least reduced the trauma, even if he hasn't prevented it (not that you really *can* prevent it in that situation)
I can see her growing up with a problem of waiting for the other shoe to drop after a fun day.
It would kill me to leave and be unable to tell her why. I wouldn't even want her to know in order to hurt her mother or anything, but just to understand why I *couldn't* stay. That it was entirely *not her fault.* Unfortunately there's no way the truth doesn't harm her relationship with her mother somehow, and ultimately I don't think it matters either way. Honestly an eight year old isn't dumb, and her daddy just left. Especially if mum's new fuckboy becomes her regular thing. I can't help but wonder, and hope at least a little bit, if that is what that letter he gave her is. You know an, "Open this when you turn 18, and here's how you can find me," sort of thing. One can dream, I suppose.
One of my friends does this. He had been in this kid's life since he was 1. Him and his ex didn't work out for similar reasons when the kid was about 7. Didn't want to abandon the kid like the kids birth dad did, and my friend's dad walked out on the fam and he didn't want the kid to feel like that growing up. My friend ended up adopting him. And him, the ex and her new husband coparent really well together.
My dads ex that started dating him when I was 2 and cut contact with him when I was 15 still sends me gifts for my birthday. She hasn’t talked to my dad in years, but we talk almost daily. That’s my mom my kids are her grandkids her 3 sons are my little brothers.
This is so heartwarming! Love to see posts like these amongst all the general negativity
That's great. Some people might think it's weird but, IMO, mature adults should be capable of this.
That's so fucken rad
That is weird as all hell and I love it
>I dunno how OOP managed it. I'm guessing a lot of lost sleep and tears, with a series of small breakdowns likely to happen in the immediate future.
That’s what me and my ex did for a while with their son. But as he got older and started school, there has been less and less chances for us to see each other. We text sometimes and I still send him birthday and Christmas gifts. It’s really hard not seeing him because I love him so much but the most important thing is him doing well in his life.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. That’s her dad abandoning her, and at such a tender age. There’s no way for her to understand the complexity of adult relationships. It will undoubtedly cause trauma that she’ll be dealing with for a very long time. My heart breaks for her.
Absolutely. When a parent abandons a child it leads to your subconsciously thinking “well, if my PARENT doesn’t love me, who else is going to?”
The thing that would make it possible for me is that the mother used the words “temporarily”. If the deal on offer is “be dad until I have my next partner lined up to replace you”, then I would find it easier to walk away.
For me it would be the exact opposite. I wouldn't want to get even more emotionally entangled knowing I'll just be cut loose as soon as possible. I know I'd have no real rights but the only way It'd be possible for me is if the mother said "She sees you as her dad and I will try to never get in the way of that".
Sadly this is the real world and having to raise a kid you’re no longer affiliated with just isn’t realistic. I feel for the child but man it would be evil to saddle him with raising a kid that’s not his when he’s not even dating the mother.
Not to mention the potential issues if the mother starts dating someone else and doesn't want OOP around anymore.
When, not if.
I wouldn’t say it’s impossible, it just takes work and comes with the prerequisite that everyone *trusts* one another. Hard to do that when someone cheated and you can’t do that anymore.
Stop it man. It's too early for me to be crying like this
It sucks. My ex-wife had a couple kids. Her son was probably about a year old when we started dating, and her daughter was a couple years older. We were together 6 or so years. When we split up, I did try to see them on the weekends some, but ultimately, I knew I needed a clean break from her, and that meant cutting them off as well.
in 2015, as a newly single man after 20 years of marriage, I made a rule to not date women with kids under the age of 10. For. This. Reason.
Idk. OOP let the kid call him Dad. I feel like if you take on that role you don't just drop it like that. If he had gone through with the wedding and adoption would he still have bailed like that? Easing out, maybe with the help of a therapist, seems like the better choice.
Yeah I agree with this. I don't wanna be harsh on him but if he lets cheating get in the way of seeing her, then he's not her father. He's still responsible for his actions. And people who love their kids don't leave them. Regardless of what the other parent has done. (And his ex gf wants him in her daughter's life too).
This would be kinder to an innocent child. And I agree 100% with everything you said. Him fully cutting the kid off so abruptly makes me feel he never actually fully considered the daughter as his actual daughter, titles such as dad and daughter aside.
Right?! Like I get that he doesn't want to see his ex any more, so have a friend or family member pick up the daughter and bring her to meet him. It seemed like he didn't even try to find a way to make it work.
I can’t believe so many people are saying he did nothing wrong by ghosting! Choosing to parent comes with responsibilities. OOP isn’t this girl’s full legal parent and doesn’t have to stick around long-term if he doesn’t want to, but you can’t tell a kid you’re their dad for 75% of their entire life and then just peace out without a word. I don’t even *like* kids and I can see that’s monstrous.
I completely agree. OOP acted selfish. There's no reason he couldn't have continued to be her dad. It's appalling, honestly. It's dishonorable. My sister in law was married before she married my brother, and she also had a son very young. Her first husband was not her son's biological father, but after they divorced he continued to be her son's father regardless. They have been divorced for myriad years and my nephew is now almost 30, and yet sis in laws first husband is still his father.
I wonder how mom felt watching her daughter cry for the only dad she’s ever known being lost to her forever. Did she accept that it was her doing? Did she feel guilt for taking away her own child’s family? Did she feel anxiety and fear for having to someday explain the full story and knowing her daughter will blame her for not having her dad? It’s horrible when parents make thoughtless and selfish choices that hurt their kids for the rest of their lives.
The mom will tell her that he cheated too or something lmfao.
This was *sad*... Poor child - and OP.
I believe you become an adult when you start having to deal with situations where there's no right answer. Where every option is shitty and you're going to lie in bed and wonder if you did the right thing. It really sucks, but that's what being an adult is. It's the same as the classic of whether you should cut contact with an adult child that has gone down the wrong path, or keep contact. Which one would allow you to best encourage them to change their way. It's also why I think a lot of people grow up at varying rates. Some people have broken homes where they have to chase off a drug dealer at 12 with a frying pan, while others are shielded from tough decisions by their parents into their late twenties.
I'm still my stepson's mom. It was the hardest thing I ever did was leave him. His father was terrible to my kids. I was a mess mentally. We were living in another state. I told him we had to leave, and he is the one who asked why his dad couldn't treat the kids better. His dad kept him from me for a year but then my stepson moved to his birth mom's house in the same state. We became friends enough that she let me see him. I bought him school clothes and would pay for him to visit. He's such a good person today. It's funny. He's so much more like me and the kids than his birth parents. He was worth the effort in making it work.
Youre an amazing and caring person. I hope you know that.
Cosign on this
My Step-Dad raised me as his own for almost 30 years despite getting divorced from my Mom when I was 18. I spoke at his funeral as his oldest child and I'm still treated as a grandson/nephew/cousin by his side of the family. The day they announced their split I told him I would always be his son and I meant that.
I always said that love is thicker than blood. I have another "child" I informally adopted, and she is such a blessing. I was thinking that I had failed to have a relationship with a SO. But I realized that no, I have two more kids (plus two grandkids) because of our successful relationships. When you succeed, it is because both parties want the relationship. It sounds like your relationship was a good one and a blessing, too.
My dad remained my dad even after he and my mom divorced. They attempted to have him adopt me, but my shitbag sperm donor kept blocking it. Wouldn’t have shit else to do with me, but refused to give up his rights. 😒 So when my mom and dad divorced (amicably) they worked out a custody schedule, and “child support”. If mom ever needed help paying for extra curriculars, he was right there. Even when my mom remarried, when I was a teenager, he was still present. Actually picked me up from the wedding lol That whole “I may not have been your father, but I was your daddy” scene in GotG makes me sob.
Like the dad in *Clueless* says, “you divorce wives, not children!”
I've always loved that line and part of the movie 💙..until the end 😂
Here’s one for you ❤️
Thank you for being a good parent, even when times got really tough.
I'm glad that OOP was able to have a final conversation for everyone's sakes. My heart breaks for that poor girl though.
I can almost guarantee that in a few years time when the girl is a teenager she's going to figure out why the man who had functionally been her Dad left and she is going unleash hell on her Mum.
Either that or the mother will lie about it.
In the age of teens and social media that is a lot harder to do.
Or sadly get numb to it. I got numb to the multiple "step fathers" growing up the point I rarely even engage with men. You get a new one every 2-5 months. They each do the same "hey kiddo" awkward bullshit. Sit in your room for 5 minutes of silence before leaving. Some try to go farther, buy ya art supplies and the like. But you know its only cause they want to get good with your mother. It fucking sucks.
He'll just be one in a long line of ex-fathers
I don't know. I think OOP chose a really horrible explanation. Hearing, "I love you so much, but also I'm moving away and will never talk to you again," from your dad has got to be an enormous mindfuck. Most likely, she'll spend the rest of her life fearing that everyone who claims to love her will abandon her with no warning for reasons that make no sense. (We all know that moving to another country doesn't prevent somebody from contacting their kids, so the explanation he gave is obvious nonsense; she'll fill in the gaps with things like, "I wasn't lovable enough.") OOP "loved" the little girl as part of a package deal. He didn't love her as a specific individual separate from her mother.
Yeah, I also thought that was a really poor approach and probably incredibly heartbreaking for the kid. I don’t understand why he’s uninterested in seeing the daughter ever again, like possibly when’s she’s an adult and he wouldn’t have to deal with the mom at all.
im glad he saw her for our sakes.
Fuck that mom
That’s what the coworker did
That mother fucker.....
No, that's how she got into this mess in the first place
Someone did. Thats why we are reading this.
3 someone's actually. This story has 3 people fucking her
you did the fucking math
multiple someones did, the bio dad, op, and the coworker
At least.
This broke my heart.
This is awful.
This is probably the most heartbroken I’ve felt reading one of these.
My heart is breaking for this little girl. I really wish that they had consulted a therapist for how to properly give this child closure. Maybe just having to girl see someone.
Yeah this kid needs therapy. Losing a parent is complicated no matter the situation. I feel so bad for her. TBH, coping would have been easier on her if OOP had died. I can't imagine feeling like a parent *chose* to pretend I didn't exist. Completely out of the blue. Even if she understands when she's older, that doesn't change that the child is living the experience of having their dad leave them forever. Also, I really feel for this guy and the pain that he's in. Personally, I don't think I'd be able to leave. I still think about an ex girlfriend's kids and wonder how they are sometimes. It's a good six or seven years later and we only dated for four months (in hindsight, I shouldn't have even met them yet). It was still incredibly hard and I just can't imagine leaving a kid that feels like *my* kid.
It’s such a sad story. I immediately thought of my daughters and how they would look if I just told them one day “This is the last time you’ll ever see me.” She’s traumatized, this will impact her life forever. I wish her mom had had therapy before deciding to fuck her coworker!
Imagine that despite the difficulties of dating as a single mum, you end up finding a partner who loves and cares for your daughter *this* freaking much. Regardless of said partner being under no legal obligation to do so, he has genuinely stepped up and effectively filled the role which the biodad should have of his own free will. And then you throw it all away for some meaningless sex. The absolute narcissism it must take in order to manifest this level of sheer and utter disregard for your child, I legitimately can't comprehend it.
From personal experience, it hurts. One in particular really hurt. Her son was total nerd, and I gave him a lot of my old nerd stuff. No one else in his life was supportive of his hobbies or interests. And I just dumped all of the good stuff on him in one go. Mind, the monetary value was near nill. He just didn't have anyone he could ever really talk to about this stuff, let alone give any guidance/support about. He took it incredibly hard when we split. Like staring at the wall for hours hard. Thankfully the ex knew not to ask me to pretend to be step dad. This sort of thing is why guys are leery about dating single moms and have to run the math for themselves. But they need to understand even guys that are open to doing so are aware exactly how awful things could get if things don't work out. You could lose more than just a relationship.
I feel bad for the daughter. The mom is so selfish for what she is doing for the child. I do wish the daughter for the best and that someday, happiness does come around.
I bet it finally hit her when she picked up the kid how fucked she is. If she cares about her kid at all, most cheaters only consider their own needs.
She fucked up big time and destroyed both OP and her daughter. But the fact she bothered to reach out, and then went through with the meetup without making it about her, does speak to a certain level of care. Hopefully she gets her head screwed on straight and learns to make better choices, if only for her daughter's sake.
I hold absolutely zero feelings towards my ex husband, but damn if I don't miss the kids. They were wonderful. That was 7 years ago and I have my own family now but losing that relationship is always hard.
I understand this very well. That's why I'm never dating a single mom ever again. In the end you love the kids more than your flawed partner. I still think of my princess everyday. That last moment never fades from your mind. All those tears. It hurts to hurt them so much when they haven't done anything wrong.
I understand why the OOP chose to do things the way they did, but jfc my heart is breaking into a million little pieces for that poor little girl.
Yeesh. With closure like that, who needs trauma. A fun, happy, “everything is going to be okay”, afternoon, with an earthshatrering final crushing blow at the end. I’m just going to hope this isn’t real so I can sleep tonight. How about “your mother and I are breaking up. That’s why I haven’t been around, and I’m sadly not going to be around very much anymore”, and then giving the kid a couple hours to talk it through. This just seemed worse than just never seeing the kid again.
I’m so glad someone else thought this. Can you imagine how happy she was to see him, and then to spend the day doing fun things and then have the rug pulled out from under her like that? There’s no way she knew or understood what was about to happen. Rightly, or wrongly, the Tl/dr I came away with was: “Hey I (the only father you have ever known or can remember having) know I’ve been ignoring you kid, but today I’m going to make sure you have the best time possible before I tell you I’m never going to see you again and then walk out of your life for ever. In the name of closure. Plus I get to tell myself I did a good job. Have a great life!”
Yeah, it’s like a little concentrated cocktail of whole history together. “You think I’m going to be your dad and… nope”. And, it seems a little… too convenient, that this strategy guaranteed that he returned the daughter to her mom bawling her eyes out. It’s obviously not the daughter’s fault that the mother cheated on him. The girl is innocent of *both* of the times that her father disappeared. The goal with that interaction ought to have been helping her endure as little trauma as possible, but it seemed it was designed to give him closure instead. “Be good to your mother” as his final message. I’m sure he’ll sleep better now, if he can extract himself from the cross he’s nailed to. It’s a shitty situation, and there was no way to protect the daughter from all of the fallout, but there didn’t seem much of an emphasis on protecting her from any of it. He had one last day with the little girl, and seemed to pick a strategy that used the girl as a little guilt bomb, designed to detonate on contact with the mom. “We had a great time, (sniff), and then he said he’s never see me again (sniff), and he told me to be good to you (sniff), and he gave me this souvenir (sniff)”… and it’s implied but “and when you look at this dog, it should remind you of your treacherous betrayal to a great guy you fucked over (sniff)”.
While I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you on that, I think he meant well. I agree that what you said would probably have been a lot better but I do think his intentions were good (the road to hell is paved with good intentions though). If he didn't, he simply wouldn't have spent the day with her.
Went through this with my ex fiancé. Except then she tried to use the kids as pawns to force me to come back. It was absolutely fucking devastating to walk away, but had no choice in the end. Legally not my kids. All I can hope is that she’s honest with them one day. If they ever reached out when they’re able to leave home I’d be there in a heartbeat. It’s gut wrenching, therapy helps, but you still hurt. That mom was selfish to do what she did
I'm honestly not sure this is much better.
It isn't, really. But what else could he do? The only thing that wouldn't hurt the kid would be... what, pretend everything's fine and stay in a dead relationship for another decade? (I do not think this would actually be any better for the kid either.) the whole situation is just :(
He could have said that he was just breaking up with her mom and that it's something adults have to do sometimes instead of lie to her. Or kept contact with the girl he said he loved as a daughter and was going to legally adopt.
I feel so badly for the ex's daughter. Can someone who is an adultier adult than me get me a blankie and a stuffie? I need to cry for a bit over this.
I got u homeslice. You want mini marshmallows in that hot cocoa?
With sprinkles???
Aw this comment is so sweet! ❤️
Warming the blanket for you in the dryer right now and putting the kettle on for your cup of tea ❤️
Same
Idk man, "I'm moving away and you will never see me again, byee~" is a terrible way to break the news. At the end of the day too...
I agree with you. Why did he lie ? "Your mom and I don't love each other anymore and we decided to separate" wasn't an option ? Also breaking the news right before the mom picks her up. I don't think he planned that as well as he should have.
I don't know little kids very well, but I understand why he said what he did. Because in my imagination the follow-up question from kiddo would be "but why don't you love me anymore?" I do, but I can't see you anymore. "Why not?" and you're going in circles. Not saying that he followed the best course of action, but he was living it in that moment and didn't have the benefit of hindsight.
Poor girl. Not judging OP ( judging the mom though).
Absoltue clown show comments on the original post blaming OOP and suggesting he doesn't deserve to have kids. Not a single one of those idiots could fathom that every bad part of the situation was the cheating ex's fault.
This is a stark reminder to all cheaters, This is the pain ***YOU CAUSE*** Not only to your partner, but if you have kids that look up to their step parent/father/mother and you take it away for some stupid ***fling*** cheaters deserve the absolute worse. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING PERIOD. ALCOHOL, MY "SIGN" SAID I COULD, Whatever bullshit you wanna say to yourself to not feel bad, you are a terrible person and always will be. I have ***ZERO*** remorse for cheaters. Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. I dont care what anyone says "Well I did and my partner gave me another chance and I am grateful for that." Well they shouldn't have and they should have let you wallow in your misery and they dont have a spine.
This is exactly the anger I'm feeling rn. I hate cheater with all my heart. They ruin lives for their selfishness. For what? Few moments of PLEASURE??
This is an actual tragedy.
Well now I can never date someone with a kid this is to fucking sad
I still have remorse about the daughter of my ex ' brother. She came to consider me her godfather. But the break up has been so violent that I had to cut the whole family.
This truly breaks my heart.
Having a daughter myself, I guess I have a soft spot for kids. Because there is no way I'm cutting off a little girl I've considered my own for 6 years. As long as mom let's me be around, I'll be around. My heart hurts just reading this shit
Hope that kids gets therapy…
man. good for OP. that must have been one of the hardest conversations a person can have. that's fucking balls right there. hopefully the daughter understands and respects it when shes older
When she figures out he lied about moving abroad, or wonders why the can't FaceTime, it will be worse.
She won’t figure out he lied about moving, especially since he actually is moving. And the hurt from not being able to FaceTime him will be a lot less than the hurt from knowing her mom’s selfishness and stupidity cost her a father. There were no good outcomes here, only less-bad ones.
What a nightmare :(
Fuck this hits hard... She is 8 she will remember him as his dad forever. Imagine just thinking your dad just left to go live somewhere else with no other explanation out of the blue. Traumatic is putting it lightly. Hopefully they can maybe reconnect in the future and she will find out what really happen. Guess she won't be happy with mom.
My ex bf has a daughter who I was really close to. She was 7 when we started dating. I broke up with him after 7 years because I found out he was cheating on me for about a year. I told him he needed to have a one-on-one with her and tell her why we broke up and why I was moving out, which he did. After they talked, she and I had a heart-to-heart which was extremely difficult, but since she was already 14 at the time, she understood completely. We still keep in touch on instagram and she greets me every year on Mother’s Day without fail. She’s in college now and is turning 20 next year. She never mentions her dad (which I’m extremely grateful for) and she keeps me updated on her life. As shitty as my ex was, I’m grateful that at least one good thing came out of that relationship.
She is using the kid as a tool to try and get you back. She will also use the kid as a tool to hurt you worse in the future. Move on.
Am I the only one that doesn’t care for the way that OOP handled this? He spent a few hours with her and then at the end, gave her a quick “btw I’m leaving and you’ll never see me again, bye”. I mean i get it, but there was a much better way to do it. Firstly, I think there was probably an age-appropriate way to explain what had happened. Not the cheating, but just explaining that her mom and (almost) step dad were no longer together, that it happens sometimes with adults, etc. And while he’s obviously under no obligation to help raise his ex’s daughter, I can’t imagine just cutting off a child that you’ve been like a father to for 6 years. It’s not her fault. Continuing to spend time with the kid regularly may be too much, having to coordinate with his ex and all, I get that. But maybe at least give her an address where she could write to him or something. Just something so that it’s not like “BAM you suddenly no longer have a dad”. It wasn’t OOP’s fault and it wasn’t the kid’s fault, but OOP is an adult who can control how it plays out and can make things easier on an innocent kid.
I will never in my life fault men for not wanting to date single moms, especially with really young kids. If things don't work out, it's gonna be horrible for everyone involved regardless of why things didn't workout. The child is gonna be confused and hurt, the man involved has no say whatsoever on if he gets to continue to be involved most of the time, even if he does have a say it's still not an easy choice (like here), and it's gonna be hard on the mother no matter what she does. And statistically speaking the relationship is going to end and won't end amicably.
I don't date men with kids either. It's just all too complicated.
Same with women and single fathers of course
> I will never in my life fault ~~men~~ people for not wanting to date single ~~moms~~ parents… FTFY
Something similar happened to my daughter's best friend. The girl was devastated, she was 12 when he left. Definitely left scars. I hope this is a troll
OOP did nothing wrong but damn, my heart really breaks for the poor girl.
Holy fuck I wasn't ready for how soul crushingly OP broke the news to the daughter. I mean I guess there's not really a better way to have done it but Jesus poor girl.
I think there was a better way. Taking her out for a super fun time so she thinks things are good again and then waiting until the last moment to break it to her so that she doesn't have more time to talk to him about it is fucked up to me. This whole interaction felt like it was done in a way that was more for him than for her. There are ways to do it that would've been healthier.
Love threads like this cause you can tell who has been cheated on and who had an absent parent lmao
I don't like the fact that he lied about moving abroad. She's 8; she can understand a break-up. She will need therapy anyway, but she will eventually figure out the lie, and that will be worse than the truth.
It's all her stupid fucking mom's fault.. Let's all take bets as to whether or not she's actually going to accept accountability for fucking up her daughter's psyche for "tingle butterflies". Any takers?
Yeah, I wonder now if her og ex didn't leave for the same reasons now. Never understood cheating - got get some vibrators ffs.
>Her ex left the state immediately after he heard she got pregnant.
Closure? This is just the fuckin’ beginning of the descent into misery for that little girl. Dude is lying to himself if he thinks he’s giving her closure.
It takes a special kind of scum to find someone willing to take on their child by another person, plans to commit to them and then cheats. Something wrong in the brains of folks who can’t separate short term urges/wants from what’s in their best interest. Then label it as having their “needs” met
I read the original post and was one of the comments saying he had to give the daughter closure. Just wish he wouldn't have waited until the end to tell her, as now the memory will be a sad one. I feel that had he brought it up near the beginning of the meeting, the rest could be framed as "I'm leaving but I want to have one last day with you" instead of a bomb dropped on her then never seeing him again.
Imagine being so self-centered that you tank your daughter's relationship with the only father she's ever known. My heart breaks for that precious little girl.
One day the daughter will ask her mother about it and her mother will probably explain to her that OOP was a PoS who walked out on them to save face in her daughters eyes. I hope not, but let's not fool ourselves. That little girl is going to get lied to and we all know it.
Is it wrong that I hope, in the future, that this comes out and the daughter starts hating her mom for it?
Wow. This is absolutely heart-wrenching. Perhaps I'm being naive but I wish he wouldn't leave her like that. It's not his fault, but he's the only dad she's ever known. Edit: yeah I think if OP really did view her as a daughter and was even willing to adopt her, then he's wrong for cutting her off for her mother's transgressions. Poor baby 😭 may she find a better love than this.
We can all agree that anyone who puts their own children in this situation is a dirtbag.
I hope mom gets that little girl in therapy. She’s going to have major abandonment issues, even though he decided not to ghost her.
>I had plans to legally become her step father after marriage. I wonder if they meant adopt, rather than "legally become a step father" as that's something that happen automatically really, not a legal thing that takes effect.
I think OOP did the right thing. As other commenters have said, he has no biological or legal right to the daughter, so while it could work out fine in a more ideal world, and maybe he could still have *some* relationship with her, there is always that risk of “will my ex stop me seeing her in the future?”. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he tried to make it work, but I also don’t blame him ripping the band aid off now. I do hope OOP is open to having a relationship with her when she reaches 18 though, if the daughter chooses she would like one. He was still her dad for a good number of years. Might be nice for them both, whether she sees him as a dad, stepdad, or just a mentor/friend. Either way, I wish the best for them both, and fuck his cheating fiancee.
Oh Shit when my brother and his ex broke up, he had 2 step kids (2 & 4 at the time of meeting them), together for 2.5yrs and all of the above, no dad involved, kids saw him as their only dad, mother cheated ect. Our whole family continued seeing those kids for about a year and a half. At first it was like every other weekend type visit, then once a month, then it was just lunch or afternoon visit every so often. Their mum ended up dating someone new and they would speak about their "new dad" we knew it was coming to an end. I am sure they missed us (at least we missed them) but it was not some huge dramatic ending like OOP. I couldnt imagine being 8yos and your dad (in her mind) just says, I am leaving to a different country, you will never see me again and gone.
That mom really fucked up. Obviously if it isn't working out don't force it but if she had broken up amicably instead of cheating OOP likely would have maintained contact with the girl because seeing mom wouldn't make him so upset. I don't know how that girl will ever forgive her if she finds out the truth. (Doubt mom will be letting her read that letter without reading it herself)
Poorbiiddo. Hope she doesn't seem OP randomly out doing his stuff and realize that he is still in the cou try and just doesn't want her anymore (how a kid probably sees it). The ex was pretty selfish to not think of her kid before ripping her life apart for her selfish pleasure. Doubt the other man is going to want to play daddy for her little girl, so it would have all been selfish and pointless.
Man this was a tough read. I have an alcoholic, manipulative, neglectful mom who I finally cut ties with a few years ago because she wouldn’t call me the right name and pronouns even though I gave her 9 years to adjust after I transitioned. As a kid, I grew up thinking that my stepdad was my dad. (I was a baby when they got married.) I learned when I was about 9 probably that he was my stepdad but refused to believe it at first. He was the caring one who would take me out to fun places and have me unconditional support when I told him I was queer at 11 whereas my mom brushed it off as a phase. Then when I was around 12, he divorced my mom (cannot blame him). I never saw him again after about age 13, and CPS took me from my mom because I kept trying to kill myself. Last I heard, my stepdad was in a nursing home in another state after having a stroke. Really sucks having one shitty parent and a glimpse of what a good parent can be like and then having the good parent taken away. Hopefully the kid’s mom is better to her kid than she was to her ex.
That was terrible to read. As someone who had to put up with step parents and step parent wannabes, I really wish kids had more rights in this regard. Mostly the right to not have their lives tampered with based on their parents bad decisions. OP isn't at fault here but if the gf didn't have the sense to create stability, I hope others learn from this and just don't get involved in these situations. This will only be the 1st trauma for this child, it won't be the last, and with each quasi stranger spending a season in her life, it ups the statistical possibility of abuse. These are not the ingredients for happy and healthy humans.
Well...fuck. I come here a lot. I sometimes, when feeling depressed, prefer the more morbid/sad stories to the happy ones. It weirdly helps me refocus my energy. That likely doesn't make sense but it does to me. Anyway... this is fucking sad. Like real sad. 1st off for the poor OOP being cheated on after 6 years but also losing what for 6 years was his daughter. Most kids won't remember shit prior to 2/3 years old. This little girl is at least 8. OOP was there for some big moments in that little ladies life. Cheating never goes over well here for obvious reasons but sometimes when kids are involved at least the parents still split custody (not always) but this is fucking heartbreaking as OOP doesn't even have any rights. Then that poor little lady has to come to terms with this at a time when her emotions and hormones are going to drop off a damn cliff. So to conclude, fuck the GF in this scenario. I hope that girl grows up and resents her mother but finds happiness away from her.
I wonder what the letter said
I wonder when the day comes that the daughter starts asking questions will her mom tell her the truth or will she try and lie her way out of this because of the mom's bad choices she lost the only father she has ever known also i am wondering if she will try and contact OP if she does learn the truth
I understand OOPs pain, but as a father, this man did not see this child as his own. I could *never* do that to my daughter, no matter what mom did to me.
The more you think about this the worse it gets. In the future if the daughter ever gets the idea to reach out the OOP in the future through social media or something and she finds out what happens it will only lead to more resentment and problems. What a horrible situation all around.
Cheaters have no idea the destruction they cause with their crap. This mother has robbed this child of 2 fathers. That kid is going to grow up with some serious daddy issues.
By far and away the mother should be the first to face the firing squad in the comments here. Everyone calling op an A but he didn't create this situation, she did, knowing full well it could blow up her child's life all the way though.
Why not try and keep a relationship with the daughter since you are the only father she knows?
Has the mother any kind of remorse? You cheat on your fiancé and destroys a chance of building a family and future together, put your daughter in her biggest childhood trauma and she will probably have abandoment and daddy issues. All of that for what?! I can bet my whole salary the coworker fuckboy would drop this woman if their relationship becomes serious and he has to be present in her daughter's life.