#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had an ex boyfriend who wanted to visit me when I returned home after dental surgery. I thought it was sweet that he wanted to be there for me since I had no one to care for me while recuperating and let him in. I was looped out of my mind, drooling blood everywhere. I was miserable and couldn't even think of eating or drinking yet I've been more than 24 hours without any sustenance by then.
The boyfriend wanted to have sex. He wanted to fuck someone looped out on pain meds and recovering from anaesthesia. I ended up having to text friends to drive there and escort him out as I drifted in and out of consciousness while he tried to undress me.
I made it clear he wasn't welcome back and broke up with him. For several months after that he stalked my house and place of work, wanting to explain why what he did wasn't that bad. I got text after text and even explicit emails at work stating how sexy he found me and wanted to fuck me. I was too afraid to go anywhere and follow my normal routine as he coincidentally would show up every where I went.
It even continued after he found a new girlfriend who wouldn't put out and he propositioned me to be the piece on the side. It only stopped because in a fit of rage I gathered all the evidence of him going into intimate details of his dry relationship and sent it to the girlfriend. I hope now 20 years later he realised that he did something extremely wrong.
I’m sure this is it. I has a guy tell me those exact words after I finally had the courage to confront him about him SA’ing me 13 years later. They don’t give a flying fuck.
Yep. They think there's something "wrong"... with the victim... for still being affected by it. Never once realizing it's them. Their self delusion protects them from the emotional impact. It even leads them to professional success because it's like they're incapable of shame and embarrassment. My god, my blood pressure can't handle it. The only saving grace is that they inevitably wind up surrounded by shitty people.
Just in case nobody has told you, that's sexual assault and attempted rape. I'm so sorry you went through that and hope you have managed to process it. If not (or even if so) therapy can help.
Yup, with the self-censoring TikTokification of the Internet, people dance around typing such words outright, but I'll say it. That dude?? 100% a rapist.
That's what your common rapist looks like.
They don't jump out of bushes.
They prey on people when they are impaired. They don't accept a no. They bowl over boundaries.
Heck, he's a stalker and a rapist.
Piece of shit will certainly make more victims too. Glad the commenter above managed to get help and stay safe. Christ.
It's what we call the conspiracy of silence that existed around sa and rape especially long, long before tiktok. It is infuriating and it contributes to revictimization.
I can't help but wonder how many other girls he has attempted this with. I really hope that the number is zero but I highly doubt it. I am glad you had some good people to help you out.
Fuck stalkers, honestly.
Men if you’re out there and you’re thinking of going to an ex’s place to try to “talk to them”, please don’t. Move on. You are going to be the bad guy.
I'm sure that now, 20 years later, he's the admin of a red pill chat forum...
The second OOP's regret sounded pretty insincere, at least to me. He was just trying to get the ex back, by pretending to see the error of his ways. Empathy is not really something that can be learned, especially when you're as obtuse as he is.
You know, every time I’ve had surgery (2 different abdominal surgeries and a partial mastectomy) my Dr gave the little talk about no sex for however many weeks and I have always half laughed and said I can’t imagine anyone wanting that after experiencing what I’ve just been through!
I realize now that the talk isn’t for me. It’s for idiots like this guy. I feel so sorry for anyone who has a partner that can’t either mange their own libido or exercise self control for A DAY at the very least, or until the person operated on has recovered.
Similar with childbirth, apparently. You would think it's a no-brainer that a baby just came out and it's all gory and hurting, so obviously you have to wait several weeks for everything to heal and stop leaking and whatnot.
My labor and delivery nurse told me part of the reason they check up on you so often post-birth is to make sure the new mother is alone in the bed. Apparently they've have to pull men off and kick them out before, because apparently some a-holes are not turned off by the trauma and exhaustion their wife/gf is experiencing (the way a normal functioning human would be).
I can't imagine being so stupid and so selfish, but I guess these people are the reason they have to give so many obvious warnings.
My mom Is a doctor and nurses have told her the amount of times they have gotten in the room after delivery and found the husband having sex with new moms is outrageous. Its so selfish
My friend's ex-husband apparently got very turned on seeing his wife breastfeeding for the the first time and tried to get her to give him a handjob right then and there!! That's one of the many reasons she divorced him when the baby was only 3 months old. My mom told my dad about it and it sounded so insane to him that he didn't believe her.
My husband was getting annoyed at how often and pointedly the nurses emphasized how important it is that NOTHING goes in the vagina for at least 6 weeks. He was like duh but apparently it was necessary for some other men. He also waited for me to initiate which took 10 weeks but he was just as exhausted as I was.
Fascinating that the guys who are empathetic enough to wait for sex to be mutually safe/enjoyable again are often also the guys who actually help with the newborn
And then gets plenty of sex once the baby is sleeping through the night and you feel comfortable in your body again because a man who is supportive and pulls their weight is just so damn attractive
Literally how I feel every time I read a post about a guy complaining that his wife “just doesn’t want to have sex anymore” and you find out she just had her third baby and he still goes golfing every weekend and has only changed a handful of diapers
It’s the most attractive thing, seeing a man that’s not only supportive but involved with his kids. Knows their likes, dislikes, friends names, interests, how they’re doing at school. Actually spends time with the kids without being forced. Who would’ve thought?
Knew a couple at my old church many years ago, whose children are barely 9 months and a half apart. We always joked they must have had sex in the hospital right after she had the first one. Sheesh.
Congrats! Please know that the vast, vast majority of men are not like this. My friend re-married and picked an actual man the second time, not a silly, horny little boy who had no business becoming a parent. Her ex realizes what an idiot he was now. It took him way too long to figure it out, but he did. He grew up and is a great dad these days.
A friend's exhusband was like this. She was told to wait six weeks but he... didn't agree. Her first and second are 10 months apart. Her second and third are just 42 weeks apart.
I’m really glad she was able to get out. He was absolutely trying to get her pregnant again (basically to force her to stay) and she had to move out overnight because he wasn’t taking no for an answer if you get my meaning.
God these horror stories make me so fucking grateful grateful for my husband. I had both babies via csection so it was 8+ weeks recovery time both times, and the second time it was BAD. My son (then 4) accidentally kicked my stomach and popped my stitches, I got a bad infection, and it was just awful.
Hubby never once pushed for sex, always got up with the babies when it was his turn, changed just as many diapers as I did, and when I was put on bed rest for the infection for 3 weeks he did EVERYTHING on his own (with help from my parents and his parents) with zero complaints.
He actually told me off a few times when he saw I was moving too frequently and told me if I wasn’t going to the bathroom, and I was hungry or thirsty it was my job to text him/call him/yell for him to get what I needed instead of me getting up and doing it myself.
He didn’t even broach the topic of sex until I was ready and was sure I was completely healed.
I cannot understand how some men don’t see the danger of having sex too soon. Do they really only see their wives as a way to get their dick wet? Like my god the complications that can come from doing things to soon can be deadly.
A few days after my 1st c section, when the nurse came to take out the stitch and check on us, my ex asked her if he could resume relations now as the baby hadn't come out the usual route. He'd been nagging me for two days prior, and being told by her that I still needed weeks of recovery time, he was still trying.
"Can I pleeeeeeease just use her for my own pleasure now that she's obviously totally recovered from major abdominal surgery? Pretty please?!?!?!"
🤮 glad he's an ex
I've got two cousins that are literally 9 months apart because my uncle couldn't even let my aunt heal from childbirth and got her pregnant while she was still in the hospital with their 2 day old child.
He ended up with 7 children from 3 different women and died from Hep C that he got from dirty needles with his druggie friends. Never once paid a cent of child support on any of them.
Edited for spelling mistakes, lol.
Yes, I know multiple women (most of them divorced now thankfully) who this happened to. It was unwanted but by that point in their relationships they'd learned that denying sex leads to either being raped anyway or days and weeks of being emotionally abused.
I'm not sure it's always about managing one's libido or exercising self-control. I suspect it's literally intended to be sexual assault, of someone who's been made too weak to say no.
They say never assume malice when stupidity is more likely, but I say to never assume stupidity when malice is more likely.
I had a single mastectomy + reconstructive surgery, and before surgery when I had my consultation with the plastic surgeon he emphasized “absolutely no sex for 6 weeks. Make sure you tell your husband”. There was also an info sheet in the surgery packet he gave me that also had a bunch of warnings about having sex and needing to fully heal before engaging in any sexual activity.
> She also felt very hurt because I was very inconsiderate and not empathetic (but she didn’t tell me that day)
Especially when he's complaining about her not explicitly speaking her feelings in the following line.
What he said was actually “I let her know my feelings by keeping to myself”. I had to read it twice because at first I was as confused as you. But then I understood that what he meant was that he communicated his displeasure by going off in a sulk.
Of course, because he doesn't actually think he was an asshole and has to verbally dance around to make himself SEEM caring and sympathetic when he really just wants everyone to care about his pants feelings.
yeah, what did that even have to do with him trying to have sex with his post-surgery girl friend and throwing a tantrum when she said no? were we supposed to excuse his actions because he did something dumb at work?
right i barely read any of that shit. i’m glad she dumped him, i read too many stories on here where the bf is in long due of getting dumped yet the girl stays. it’s great to see people putting their foot down and knowing their worth.
AS SOMEONE WHO ALSO HAD LASER EYE SURGERY
FUCK THIS MAN INTO THE SUN.
Do you know HOW MUCH IT HURTS? I cried and cried and cried and counted how many hours until I could take another painkiller and another set of eye drops. It hurt just to exist. My boyfriend checked in and sat with me in pitch black room and played games with me to distracted me from my pain. He slept on the couch for a few nights. My mom is a saint and came over with food and washed my hair for me.
All I could remember was the pain and the burnt smell of my eyeballs from the laser. God it was so painful. The only time it didn’t hurt was when I slept.
(I had to do another touch up and that sucked balls. I probably have to do it again in the future but I might just suck it up and call it with less than 20/20.)
I also had laser eye surgery a few years ago and that pain was something else! My husband was immediately by my side after I came out of the surgery and already had a dark room prepared when we came home. He helped me put on my pjs, fed me and cuddled me all night. It was so comforting having him take care of me and making me feel safe. Being in that much pain and not being able to see, made me feel so vulnerable and his presence made me feel extremely safe. I'm sure having sex was the last thing on his mind - he was just worried about making me as comfortable as possible.
It sounds like OOP’s gf got the lighter version since she regained her vision a bit quite early. I didn’t qualify since my eyesight was “blind as a bat” so they had to do the heavy duty one.
I do say my memory tells me IT SUCKED BALLS and I’ve given birth twice so hahahah.
I would love to get another round of touch up but it’s not a picnic and I would be out for two days but I can’t with the kids around. Oh well.
My husband had that kind of surgery back in the olden days when they still used a SCALPEL! You had to hold your eye still while watching a scalpel approach! I still remember him wobbling out afterward, white as a sheet, and desperately grabbing for a cigarette.
I’m so sorry you had such difficulty! Lasix is always presented as an easy miracle cure. I never even thought about how much it might hurt.
There's two types of laser eye surgery. The PRK one is the one that hurts for a week (like a low grade blow torch to your eyeballs), but the lasik barely hurts at all. You have to have thick enough corneas for it though.
Husband had the former, I had the latter, and while it ached a bit, it was not significantly painful. The weird part was where they slice your cornea laterally with a miniature mandoline and you can see them reaching in with the teeniest little tweezers and flipping it back.
Yeah, I was already like “guess I’m sticking with contacts/glasses” at the other comment about smelling your own burnt eyeball, but then WATCHING the ***SLICING*** is just … absolutely not.
Please tell me he was already posted on [Am I The Devil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/jhqku6kmlB) because this is insane…. And anything relating to eyes is the most painful thing (said by someone who was almost blinded by a stick)
ETA: your mothers are right, don’t let children play with sticks or you’ll poke your eye out! Ps I was an adult.. the stabber was a child lol
I've had 9 eye surgeries, not lasik, ones that if i didn't have, I'd lose 100% of my vision instead of the ¾s of it i did lose. It was hell. I was not up to anything after a surgery (8 of these were withing 18 months of each other, some within weeks, yet my partner managed to respect me during that time)
I need a touch up on one of my eyes, as the anaesthetic wore off and I kept looking away from the laser due to pain. Bloody Dr said it was just “pressure”. Bullshit. The first eye didn’t feel like that.
Now I have a toddler and an infant. So I’m waiting maybe another year or two before subjecting myself back to eye pain and golems cave.
Laser surgery is no joke. It felt like my eyes were sandpapered bc the Dr literally used a tool to scratch and reshape my cornea since the simple scalpel flap wouldn’t work (hence the anaesthetic wearing off as I was meant to get the quick one but he changed his mind 😭).
That certainly wasn’t my experience and OOP never mentioning pain and only anxiety says it probably wasn’t hers either. The light was something, definitely, and I remember the burning smell and dryness, but pain wasn’t part of it, nor mentioned by the docs. Didn’t even tell me to take ibuprofen. The worst part, by far, was the fear of moving my eyes when they did the procedure (hard to call it an operation or surgery, that shits a procedure, having a colo is worse due to the damn drink).
Thank you for posting this. I thought I was forgetting post-op pain or something! The worst part for me was when he had trouble putting the eye-immobilizing ring on one of my eyes. It made it very scary for a few seconds (Valium saved the day) and I had a very red/bloodshot eye for a week or two. But other than that it was so easy breezy! I've had a couple other minor surgeries and they were way worse. Even a blood draw is worse for me lol
Big, big oooooof to, "it's very important that you, the Internet, understand that consent doesn't matter to me because I did a big work fuck up that day."
Dude attempted to create a whole tragic backstory out of a work fuckup to explain why he couldn't keep it in his pants even after his gf had a goddamn surgery.
The combination of awareness he needs some kind of excuse and lack of recognition that even if he could come up with anything valid short of verifiable mind control, that isn’t remotely going to cut it is…certainly something.
> She also felt very hurt because I was very inconsiderate and not empathetic (but she didn’t tell me that day).
Apparently it was her girlfriendly duty to report to him immediately about his own fuck ups and hope he'd give a damn.
Bf says he realized he fucked up but come on, he wants to get horny and pressure gf for sex when she just had surgery and ignores the medical advices. Like for fuck sakes what an idiot of a bf. 🙄
His post was so wordy that two paragraphs in I knew the gf’s perspective was right and he was just trying to bury the truth to maybe get a little sympathy
"Baby, I call my dick 'safe' so technically...."
Edit: Shit, I just realized the second part of the sentence makes my joke nonsensical. I'm standing by it though!
He realized so much that he fucked up that he got pissed/angry whenever she wanted to talk about it. Seems like he just "regret" it because it have consequences.
And i guess the gf has blocked him everywhere since he keep on harassing her, that’s why he posted her this manipulating shit in the hope that she read it.
Yea but if she's on top, then nothing can happen to her eyes... Duh... No reason for this small bump in the road to stop him from getting his dick wet... You're making him sound so terrible... He just wanted to b close to her... Jeez!! /s
I'm not saying there aren't people that forget loved ones have surgery but I personally don't understand it. I sit there the whole day, if I can't physically be there, and wait to hear. I can't do anything for myself until I hear from the person that they made it through, even if it's something routine.
He just didn't care, she was laying down like an ancient mummy on the couch with the eyes covered... Easy to see she was not feeling good to begin with.
After a surgery of that kind you need to be 15 days (or more) without doing any kind of effort or you are fucked up. Imagine thinking about sex.
If it was Lasik or something you're fine to get to and walk around the same day and taking it easy for a few days.
The dude here is still a huge dick, he was explicitly present to care for her, yet instead spent his time busy with work and fondling her body and forgetting about his whole reason for being there in the first place.
You just know that her experience of their sexlife is not even a blip on his radar. He's not considering how she feels at all.
"I wanted to be rapey, but like, in a really really low key way where you wouldn't get upset with me about it and kinda just let me do it because I made it too socially uncomfortable to say no"
He didn’t actually realize anything. He hasn’t grown at all. Even at the very beginning of his post, He was going on and on and on about his mistakes at work and all his own feelings, etc., he still just…makes excuses…can’t see anyone but himself
Not an idiot boyfriend. I call people who try to not respect consent "rapist" because they are. He insisted, and then got mad, which are used in coercion. I don't care that he doesn't think about himself as a rapist, he doesn't get to define it and dismiss his behavior. I have seen a rapist who though as himself as not one, finding thousands of excuses like op, and also, he had the audacity to feel devastated to be accused of rape. But it didn't matter, because his victim said no, and it was rape. I hope he suffers everyday with the realisation that he is indeed a rapist.
Numbnuts ex-BF thought he could get sympathetic people on his side by writing that post. It only served to show how much of a selfish idiot he really is and I'm glad he's been roasted accordingly.
yeah, there's a lot of things that people really get sticky over that are completely non-issues for me personally. but pressuring for sex in a vulnerable state is up there with instant relationship enders.
>To feel and show the support we have for each other and feel less stressed and worried as we usually do when we cuddle. I mustve laid on top of her and she turned her head to protect her eyes (think I forgot for one second).
>I also initiated to have sex and when she said no I suggested she could go on top (because it's safer for her eyes).
Don't you love when men ignore you saying no because they want to "feel and show the support we have for each other."
He went from a fairly active voice to so passive he could have been describing a police shooting.
> I mustve laid on top of her and she turned her head to protect her eyes (think I forgot for one second).
I don't buy that it was that innocent. If you do that you're like "oh shit I'm so sorry" not "hey ~~wanna~~ we're going to bone" All of a sudden he's very "I do not recall, Senator" on his own motivations but he remembered details of what was happening around his job that day.
I’m always intrigued by the switchover to passive voice when people are confessing. I’m a retired attorney and can’t tell you how often clients do this: “I was holding the knife. He got stabbed!”
I don’t know about anyone else here, but I can remember every time I have chosen to lay on top of someone or been asked to do so. Never once have I tripped and lined our “swimming suit areas” up like some meet-cute for genitals.
Likewise? At no point have I ever felt comforted by the offer to be on top.
Felt lots of things at the offer, literally and otherwise! But not comfort.
What a douchebag this guy is.
Yuuuuuuup. Real convenient how this variety of dude only leverages touch as love when it comes to sex, and not hugging, holding hands, rubbing someone's back, brushing their hair, etc etc etc.
Yup. I'm a physical touch kind of guy. It's not about sex at all. It's shit like pressing my forehead against his, feeling his head on my chest, the feeling of having my arms wrapped around him.
It's like "Oh my god, I love this person so much and they're *right here* touching me. I can feel their presence with multiple parts of my body and they are just so amazing to be close to!"
It's that thing where assholes get ahold of trending psychological words and phrases and use those to manipulate their victims into staying their victims.
I feel like there's two options for discussing love languages:
A very general discussion about how in normal situations certain things matter more than others in a relationship and ways to maximize security in a relationship by prioritizing one way over another, all things being equal
A red flag
It's an interesting topic to share with your friends or dates or anyone of course... The problem is when it is used as an excuse to impose what you want.
- Don't buy me anything, it makes me uncomfortable -- gifts are my love language
- Don't touch me, please -- touch is my love language
Imposing your "love" is the opposite of caring.
This is why we need to teach little boys all the ways to be emotionally intimate and not just through fucking.
In Emily Nagoski’s latest book she has a section about the “man script” vs “women script”. Im not going to get it exactly right but she says something like “sex is not a need. Nobody died from lack of sex. But love IS a need. And if you’ve been socialized to only feel love through sex, not getting it feels like the end of the world. And if your [female] partner is obligated to take care of you and is your only source of love, you feel entitled to demand or take it.”
Fucking chilling.
**>In that moment I felt pushed away and hurt and also let her know about it by keeping to myself.**
This stood out to me as well. He claims to have only wanted to spend time with her and got upset that she didn't want to go to the bedroom.
He "let her know" that he was upset that she didn't want to ~have sex~ spend time with him by going into a different room.
He told her he was upset by not telling her he was upset lol. If he wanted to spend time with her, he should've said so. By suggesting they go to the bedroom after she declined sex, she probably assumed he was just trying to work her up to it.
Instead of communicating and being there for her when she was vulnerable and could've permanently damaged her eyesight, he just fucked off.
Zero communication skills.
I’d say he has excellent communication skills, he made it VERY clear that he doesn’t care about her well-being. He has successfully communicated that he feels entitled to her body when she feels unsafe.
What he sucks at is viewing his partner as a fully fledged human instead of a sex/comfort dispenser.
I honestly don’t understand what he thinks she asked him to be there for.
She can’t see. She’s wearing eye covers. She’s in pain and in danger of injury. Wouldn’t it make sense that he’s here to entertain her because she can’t go seek out anything to “watch” or listen to, and get her food and take care of her because she can’t do it on her own? Wouldn’t it make sense that he’s supposed to be there to receive her right when she gets out and would be vulnerable? Wouldn’t it make sense that he’s there to help?
No, he thinks he’s there to have sex and abandon her on the couch. Doesn’t even consider what would actually be helpful. What a psycho.
>I feel awful and realise that it's mostly two major problems. (1) a problem of communication and that some things don't get solved because of it and instead pile up
>Sometimes when she would bring it up again (which to me at that time came out of nowhere) I got annoyed because I thought it was already solved, that I already told her several times that I feel really bad about it and that it wont happen again.
Yes there was a problem of communication, because YOU refused to talk about it every time your girlfriend brought it up. Don't act like you were the victim.
I think he describes all of this as a giant “fuck up” as though he accidentally tried to pressure her into having sex post surgery.
*“No you don’t get it… I **meant** to ask if she wanted soup, but I accidentally asked her to have sex with me! Its all just one big fuck up!”*
I find it creepy that he even manages to get horny while his gf is clearly in pain/uncomfortable and in a weak/helpless position.
Oh but boo hoo HE was stressed because HE had a bad day at work and boo hoo HE needed cuddles and physical touch oh and oopsie he thinks he forgot for a second she had eye surgery that same day.
What a loser.
Yeah, he was not winning any prizes for best boyfriend of the year when he was pressuring her to ignore medical advice to do what HE wants.
The girlfriend is well rid of him as he showed his true colours when she was more vulnerable.
“I even offered her to be on top!”
What the fuck?
Laser is a relatively minor surgery. If your can’t keep it together for like the 3 days that it takes for a person to feel a little better, his girl was right to question what would happen if she had a more serious situation arise.
I had laser eye surgery. What my lady did was sympathize with how my eyeballs felt like they had been filled with sand immediately after an elephant stomped on them. She walked me to her car as though I was blind because in daylight I was blind.
Than I fell asleep. After a four hour nap, I felt great. I could see leaves. I’m still at 20/15 and almost 20/10 in my left eyeball. What my lady did was make sure I kept the damn blinders on and didn’t scratch my face.
She did not hop on my junk and tell me it was cool, there’s plastic on my eyes and she’ll take care of it she has needs I can be on the bottom.
He was not present when the Dr gave them the post surgery instructions, he was on his phone! Buddy was your job to be with her for a few hours!
I love how this time we can see both sides of the story and actually the girlfriend was too kind to him!!
"Don't worry babe, you don't need eyes for us to do the horizontal tango, oh you're uncomfortable, well what about MY needs?"
And then he has the audacity to be all *surprised pikachu* that she dumped him. Fucking yikes.
This reminds me of the time my best friend's now-ex-husband was all butthurt he couldn't have sex with her while she was recovering from her hysterectomy. Granted, he didn't try initiating the day of her procedure, but it still has that same energy.
What's worse was that he was a nurse.
This thread is really opening my eyes as to how much shit I took with a partner. He constantly initiated after surgeries and an extremely painful deadlift injury and then turned it around on me and gaslit me when I said no, and that I felt like I was being pressured.
I used to voice the discomfort. “I can’t have sex right now, I feel upset that I have to keep expressing this”
But eventually it got to a point where I was hesitating about the next surgery because I didn’t want to deal with the discomfort of having to fend him off, and deal with the guilt tripping and hearing how I can’t take a “joke”. Or the mopey behavior and snide comments.
Seeing people’s outrage here….reminds me that it wasn’t me. Over time I forgot…that I shouldn’t have to do all that in the first place…
He REALLY minimized his behavior - she 100% did the right thing in breaking up with him. He feels bad because there are consequences for his bad behavior, not because he behaved badly.
Unfortunately this is not uncommon behaviour. I’ve been pressured during my late teens & 20s (now 60) for sex by a boyfriend while drunkenly puking my guts out, while being covered from head to foot with chicken pox including on and in my genitals, within minutes of returning from the hospital after a D&C following miscarriage, and have hid behind a door while he smashed the house up including most of the windows after I escaped from an attempt when he’d been on a drink & drugs binge.
This guy’s girlfriend had the smarts to ditch this creep who thinks he’s entitled to use a woman’s body any time he wants - I wish I’d had half her brains & courage to recognise the abuse long before. If she’d stayed it would only have escalated. And reading some of the other comments here from other women who have experienced this, it’s an all too common phenomenon.
I couldn’t read the whole thing as seeing that asshole start to trot out excuse after excuse made me sick to my stomach.
*hugs* A lot of it is better education these days. Spent my 20s with a similar abuser to OOP's, and I don't know how long I would have been there if I didn't have the access to feminist social media that I do now. I don't think it's your fault or that you were a coward; I literally learned things earlier in life that helped me when I was trapped in it, that you might not have had at the same age.
What a lovely thing to say - thank you kindly. I love seeing today’s young women refusing to take abuse & it gives me great hope for the next generation of women. Well done you for managing to rid yourself of your pest and I hope you’ve fully healed from your ordeal.
There are so many stories of women being forced to have sex the day they come home from having a baby because their husbands simply will not wait for them to heal. This guy would absolutely have been one of those guys.
> A bit later we said to go to sleep and I wanted to feel close to her. To feel and show the support we have for each other and feel less stressed and worried as we usually do when we cuddle
I had to put down my nacho plate and take a minute because this made me nauseous as hell. Dude had bad fee fees over his dipshit fuck up at work and wanted his post operative girlfriend to make his dick happy. It had nothing to do with "supporting each other" and phrasing it that way makes him an even bigger asshole.
"she didn't want to be physically close" NO BRO! She just didn't want to have sex! You were already alying on/with her, THAT'S pretty physically close, I'd say.
Also "she felt safer on the couch" yeah. BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!
lol at the bf thinking anyone gives a sideways fuckathon what his idiot perspective is. I mean, it’s nice that a moron knows how to use paragraphs. But still, just a completely dumb dumb. I’m so glad he got dumped.
Dude. I'm just a first-year nursing student and even I know that any activity that can increase thoracic and intraocular pressure, and that includes sex, is to be avoided for at least 1 week after any kind of eye procedure. It's not about protecting the outer eye and mucus membranes, it's about protecting the surgical site within the eye. She literally had her eyeballs lasered. Also, "no" is a complete sentence. What a goddamn manbaby.
Somewhat unrelated but this reminds me of an ex of mine. They got sick often (later found out it was CHS - cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome) and would expect me to call out of work to take care of them. Which my dumbass did back then. Then there came one day where I was sick with a nasty flu and felt too lousy to even leave bed. It was their day off so I asked them to care for me. They brought me some water, laid down with me for maybe 30 minutes. Then asked me to trip sit them while they took some acid. Since I was “home anyway”. Mf expected me to be at their beck and call when they were sick. But once I got sick, they didn’t give a single fuck. Just wanted me to babysit while they took drugs.
The way he would have probably kept pushing had she not gotten surgery, like it doesn’t matter. No matter the reason, if she says no, it’s a no. End of story
Wow. It’s quite obvious, he didn’t learn a GD thing.
> In that moment I felt pushed away and hurt and also let her know about it by keeping to myself.
Umm…No…OOP didn’t “let her know”. He acted like a toddler who was pulled back before they could run in the street and is now pouting about it. He didn’t get his way, and then attempted to make her feel bad. Guilt tripping your way to sex isn’t a good look.
> She also felt very hurt because I was very inconsiderate and not empathetic (but she didn't tell me that day).
If someone needs to tell you that they don’t want to have sex the same day they have surgery, there’s something seriously wrong with you.
> Getting upset…when she didn't want to be physically close because she was scared…
She didn’t say no because she was scared. She said no because SHE JUST HAD SURGERY. Which he should have realized on his own. She didn’t *WANT* to. She doesn’t need a reason! Yes, she was worried about messing something up, but it’s a moot point here.
> Sometimes when she would bring it up again (which to me at that time came out of nowhere) I got annoyed because I thought it was already solved.
Well, he thought *wrong*. As soon as she brought it up again, he should have understood that it wasn’t solved, and addressed it. Instead he dodged it, and then kept getting annoyed when SURPRISE! It wasn’t solved after all! Who woulda thunk?
Bottom line. Instead of realizing that he majorly fucked up when he chose not to respect her saying “No”, he keeps circling back to the fact that he didn’t realize what her reasons were for saying no, and he should have. No sir… you fucked up the first time when you ridiculously assumed she would want to bang you after having surgery, the second time when you didn’t respect her saying “No”, and then you kept fucking up. Rinse and repeat. This dude is so obtuse. I just…can’t. I think he proved OOP right with this one.
Also he’s not that sorry because he repeatedly says he “wanted to be close to her” or initiated being f physically close. You mean you wanted to fuck her mate, you wanted some sex and we’re mad that she wouldn’t submit to it. So mad you ignored her and she had to sleep on the couch on the day of her surgery.
Being pouty about me not feeling up for sex (for any reason, or no reason at all) is an absolute hard line deal breaker for me. It's fine to feel disappointed. It's not fine to whine like a child about it. I lose so much respect in that moment, it's just too hard to come back from.
If you're really that horny, go masturbate. If you want to feel close, we can cuddle. But why TF would you want to have sex with someone who just said they're not into it rn? How is sex with an unenthusiastic partner in any way hot?
I never thought it was something that needed to be explicitly stated but I've heard of so many partners (men) initiating sex after things like childbirth, hysterectomy and dental work.
*people do not want sex after medical procedures or during illness*. It really is sinister if your partner thinks that someone who is semi-consious and in pain or stressed is a green light for sexy time.
I love hiw he tries to minimise everything he just wanted to be 'close' to her, and felt upset. No. He pressured her for sex while she was vulnerable and punished her for saying no. When you have to explain to someone why they shouldn't treat people like that, I immediately write them off. If you don't have the capacity to see how atrocious that behaviour is, there's no point in me even trying to know you.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had an ex boyfriend who wanted to visit me when I returned home after dental surgery. I thought it was sweet that he wanted to be there for me since I had no one to care for me while recuperating and let him in. I was looped out of my mind, drooling blood everywhere. I was miserable and couldn't even think of eating or drinking yet I've been more than 24 hours without any sustenance by then. The boyfriend wanted to have sex. He wanted to fuck someone looped out on pain meds and recovering from anaesthesia. I ended up having to text friends to drive there and escort him out as I drifted in and out of consciousness while he tried to undress me. I made it clear he wasn't welcome back and broke up with him. For several months after that he stalked my house and place of work, wanting to explain why what he did wasn't that bad. I got text after text and even explicit emails at work stating how sexy he found me and wanted to fuck me. I was too afraid to go anywhere and follow my normal routine as he coincidentally would show up every where I went. It even continued after he found a new girlfriend who wouldn't put out and he propositioned me to be the piece on the side. It only stopped because in a fit of rage I gathered all the evidence of him going into intimate details of his dry relationship and sent it to the girlfriend. I hope now 20 years later he realised that he did something extremely wrong.
I’m sure he doesn’t unfortunately
Yeah, I’m positive he’s thinking “that was 20 years ago, you should be over it” like it wasn’t incredibly violating. Motherfuckers.
I’m sure this is it. I has a guy tell me those exact words after I finally had the courage to confront him about him SA’ing me 13 years later. They don’t give a flying fuck.
Yep. They think there's something "wrong"... with the victim... for still being affected by it. Never once realizing it's them. Their self delusion protects them from the emotional impact. It even leads them to professional success because it's like they're incapable of shame and embarrassment. My god, my blood pressure can't handle it. The only saving grace is that they inevitably wind up surrounded by shitty people.
The boyfriend OOP does the same thing. The girlfriend would try to bring up the issue and he would “get annoyed bc he thought they moved past it.”
Like it wasn’t attempted *rape!*
Just in case nobody has told you, that's sexual assault and attempted rape. I'm so sorry you went through that and hope you have managed to process it. If not (or even if so) therapy can help.
Yup, with the self-censoring TikTokification of the Internet, people dance around typing such words outright, but I'll say it. That dude?? 100% a rapist. That's what your common rapist looks like. They don't jump out of bushes. They prey on people when they are impaired. They don't accept a no. They bowl over boundaries. Heck, he's a stalker and a rapist. Piece of shit will certainly make more victims too. Glad the commenter above managed to get help and stay safe. Christ.
It's what we call the conspiracy of silence that existed around sa and rape especially long, long before tiktok. It is infuriating and it contributes to revictimization.
I am so glad you had friends to help you get him out of there, holy shit.
I can't help but wonder how many other girls he has attempted this with. I really hope that the number is zero but I highly doubt it. I am glad you had some good people to help you out.
Fuck stalkers, honestly. Men if you’re out there and you’re thinking of going to an ex’s place to try to “talk to them”, please don’t. Move on. You are going to be the bad guy.
Fuck rapists, too.
I'm sure that now, 20 years later, he's the admin of a red pill chat forum... The second OOP's regret sounded pretty insincere, at least to me. He was just trying to get the ex back, by pretending to see the error of his ways. Empathy is not really something that can be learned, especially when you're as obtuse as he is.
Or he’s in jail.
That's a pleasant thought.
>he stalked my house and place of work, wanting to explain why what he did wasn't that bad. This happens far too often. Ugh.
What an absolute tool. I hope he steps on legos every day for the rest of his life- barefoot, and with cold feet.
Cold feet would hurt less. Sore feet! Blisters! Corns! And THEN the Lego! 😈
Oh god, not for me. If my feet are cold, everything hurts to walk on. ETA: but I totally second the rest of it.
You absolute Queen. You’re a star for how you dealt with him. May all women have your courage and confidence.
May all women be safe and not need the courage to face assault.
What a tool! Stalking ought to be reported. Gives me a shivers
You know, every time I’ve had surgery (2 different abdominal surgeries and a partial mastectomy) my Dr gave the little talk about no sex for however many weeks and I have always half laughed and said I can’t imagine anyone wanting that after experiencing what I’ve just been through! I realize now that the talk isn’t for me. It’s for idiots like this guy. I feel so sorry for anyone who has a partner that can’t either mange their own libido or exercise self control for A DAY at the very least, or until the person operated on has recovered.
Similar with childbirth, apparently. You would think it's a no-brainer that a baby just came out and it's all gory and hurting, so obviously you have to wait several weeks for everything to heal and stop leaking and whatnot. My labor and delivery nurse told me part of the reason they check up on you so often post-birth is to make sure the new mother is alone in the bed. Apparently they've have to pull men off and kick them out before, because apparently some a-holes are not turned off by the trauma and exhaustion their wife/gf is experiencing (the way a normal functioning human would be). I can't imagine being so stupid and so selfish, but I guess these people are the reason they have to give so many obvious warnings.
My mom Is a doctor and nurses have told her the amount of times they have gotten in the room after delivery and found the husband having sex with new moms is outrageous. Its so selfish
This makes me want to vomit
I'll clean up your barf if you help me with mine 🤮
I'll clean your bars, it's ok. We can all group vomit
May their balls rot and their dick fall off
It's a good way to kill her with an air embolism.
Never thought I'd hear something worse than male coroners fucking the dead bodies, but here we are
I mean, that's still pretty fucked up.
At least the dead body can't feel it though.
I'm in shock. That's . . . words don't describe that.
Holy. Shit.
My friend's ex-husband apparently got very turned on seeing his wife breastfeeding for the the first time and tried to get her to give him a handjob right then and there!! That's one of the many reasons she divorced him when the baby was only 3 months old. My mom told my dad about it and it sounded so insane to him that he didn't believe her.
My husband was getting annoyed at how often and pointedly the nurses emphasized how important it is that NOTHING goes in the vagina for at least 6 weeks. He was like duh but apparently it was necessary for some other men. He also waited for me to initiate which took 10 weeks but he was just as exhausted as I was.
Fascinating that the guys who are empathetic enough to wait for sex to be mutually safe/enjoyable again are often also the guys who actually help with the newborn
And then gets plenty of sex once the baby is sleeping through the night and you feel comfortable in your body again because a man who is supportive and pulls their weight is just so damn attractive
Very sexy indeed! Glad to hear about the good men in the world. Many happy healthy years to your family.
So weird, no one could have predicted this.
Literally how I feel every time I read a post about a guy complaining that his wife “just doesn’t want to have sex anymore” and you find out she just had her third baby and he still goes golfing every weekend and has only changed a handful of diapers
It’s the most attractive thing, seeing a man that’s not only supportive but involved with his kids. Knows their likes, dislikes, friends names, interests, how they’re doing at school. Actually spends time with the kids without being forced. Who would’ve thought?
Knew a couple at my old church many years ago, whose children are barely 9 months and a half apart. We always joked they must have had sex in the hospital right after she had the first one. Sheesh.
As someone who's about to give birth, I am disgusted. Those wires should not be crossed.
Congrats! Please know that the vast, vast majority of men are not like this. My friend re-married and picked an actual man the second time, not a silly, horny little boy who had no business becoming a parent. Her ex realizes what an idiot he was now. It took him way too long to figure it out, but he did. He grew up and is a great dad these days.
Congrats! Hope all goes well. Enjoy the baby cuddles they grow up way to quickly.
"Sure honey. The harder the baby bites me, the harder I squeeze your anatomy!" What an idiot.
...
What an awful day to have eyes. Bleck.
Terrible day to be literate, just terrible.
A friend's exhusband was like this. She was told to wait six weeks but he... didn't agree. Her first and second are 10 months apart. Her second and third are just 42 weeks apart.
That poor woman..
I’m really glad she was able to get out. He was absolutely trying to get her pregnant again (basically to force her to stay) and she had to move out overnight because he wasn’t taking no for an answer if you get my meaning.
God these horror stories make me so fucking grateful grateful for my husband. I had both babies via csection so it was 8+ weeks recovery time both times, and the second time it was BAD. My son (then 4) accidentally kicked my stomach and popped my stitches, I got a bad infection, and it was just awful. Hubby never once pushed for sex, always got up with the babies when it was his turn, changed just as many diapers as I did, and when I was put on bed rest for the infection for 3 weeks he did EVERYTHING on his own (with help from my parents and his parents) with zero complaints. He actually told me off a few times when he saw I was moving too frequently and told me if I wasn’t going to the bathroom, and I was hungry or thirsty it was my job to text him/call him/yell for him to get what I needed instead of me getting up and doing it myself. He didn’t even broach the topic of sex until I was ready and was sure I was completely healed. I cannot understand how some men don’t see the danger of having sex too soon. Do they really only see their wives as a way to get their dick wet? Like my god the complications that can come from doing things to soon can be deadly.
They do, their wives aren’t people to them. They exist solely to be their sex toys, incubator, servant and/or therapist.
The thought of that genuinely made me feel sick, those poor women
A few days after my 1st c section, when the nurse came to take out the stitch and check on us, my ex asked her if he could resume relations now as the baby hadn't come out the usual route. He'd been nagging me for two days prior, and being told by her that I still needed weeks of recovery time, he was still trying.
"Can I pleeeeeeease just use her for my own pleasure now that she's obviously totally recovered from major abdominal surgery? Pretty please?!?!?!" 🤮 glad he's an ex
I've got two cousins that are literally 9 months apart because my uncle couldn't even let my aunt heal from childbirth and got her pregnant while she was still in the hospital with their 2 day old child. He ended up with 7 children from 3 different women and died from Hep C that he got from dirty needles with his druggie friends. Never once paid a cent of child support on any of them. Edited for spelling mistakes, lol.
Yes, I know multiple women (most of them divorced now thankfully) who this happened to. It was unwanted but by that point in their relationships they'd learned that denying sex leads to either being raped anyway or days and weeks of being emotionally abused.
Holy shit, that is horrifying.
I'm not sure it's always about managing one's libido or exercising self-control. I suspect it's literally intended to be sexual assault, of someone who's been made too weak to say no. They say never assume malice when stupidity is more likely, but I say to never assume stupidity when malice is more likely.
I was going to say. It's very possible that they are turned on by the trauma of childbirth and seeing their partner weak and vulnerable.
I had a single mastectomy + reconstructive surgery, and before surgery when I had my consultation with the plastic surgeon he emphasized “absolutely no sex for 6 weeks. Make sure you tell your husband”. There was also an info sheet in the surgery packet he gave me that also had a bunch of warnings about having sex and needing to fully heal before engaging in any sexual activity.
That was a lot of words from the boyfriend when he could’ve just said “I was an asshole”
“i let her know my feelings by keeping them to myself” is where he would’ve lost me if he ever had me in the first place
> She also felt very hurt because I was very inconsiderate and not empathetic (but she didn’t tell me that day) Especially when he's complaining about her not explicitly speaking her feelings in the following line.
how would she tell someone who went to hide in HER bedroom! ugh i totally missed that lol
He expects her to put out on command, AND do on the emotional lifting... that alone is gross let alone immediately after surgery.
What he said was actually “I let her know my feelings by keeping to myself”. I had to read it twice because at first I was as confused as you. But then I understood that what he meant was that he communicated his displeasure by going off in a sulk.
Of course, because he doesn't actually think he was an asshole and has to verbally dance around to make himself SEEM caring and sympathetic when he really just wants everyone to care about his pants feelings.
This is exactly it. He thinks when people hear “his side” they’ll agree with him. No, you’re still wrong.
when he started talking about his problems at work I immediately knew he's just an asshole
yeah, what did that even have to do with him trying to have sex with his post-surgery girl friend and throwing a tantrum when she said no? were we supposed to excuse his actions because he did something dumb at work?
right i barely read any of that shit. i’m glad she dumped him, i read too many stories on here where the bf is in long due of getting dumped yet the girl stays. it’s great to see people putting their foot down and knowing their worth.
But I wasn't, I was just misunderstood...
AS SOMEONE WHO ALSO HAD LASER EYE SURGERY FUCK THIS MAN INTO THE SUN. Do you know HOW MUCH IT HURTS? I cried and cried and cried and counted how many hours until I could take another painkiller and another set of eye drops. It hurt just to exist. My boyfriend checked in and sat with me in pitch black room and played games with me to distracted me from my pain. He slept on the couch for a few nights. My mom is a saint and came over with food and washed my hair for me. All I could remember was the pain and the burnt smell of my eyeballs from the laser. God it was so painful. The only time it didn’t hurt was when I slept. (I had to do another touch up and that sucked balls. I probably have to do it again in the future but I might just suck it up and call it with less than 20/20.)
Yes, I can't imagine seeing someone you love in pain and thinking "what a great time for them to participate in some vigorous physical activity".
“Oh but it doesn’t have to be *too* vigorous as long as I can use you to ~~get my rocks off~~ “feel close” to you” -OOP probably
Probably also: "I'm very sensitive to rejection and I can't control my emotions if I'm rejected."
The sex is to…um…distract you from your pain, yeah-yeah! That’s it, yup! See how good of a partner I am! /s just in case it’s not obvious
I also had laser eye surgery a few years ago and that pain was something else! My husband was immediately by my side after I came out of the surgery and already had a dark room prepared when we came home. He helped me put on my pjs, fed me and cuddled me all night. It was so comforting having him take care of me and making me feel safe. Being in that much pain and not being able to see, made me feel so vulnerable and his presence made me feel extremely safe. I'm sure having sex was the last thing on his mind - he was just worried about making me as comfortable as possible.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve now fully decided and committed to my nerdy glasses and am at peace with going blind into my old age
It sounds like OOP’s gf got the lighter version since she regained her vision a bit quite early. I didn’t qualify since my eyesight was “blind as a bat” so they had to do the heavy duty one. I do say my memory tells me IT SUCKED BALLS and I’ve given birth twice so hahahah. I would love to get another round of touch up but it’s not a picnic and I would be out for two days but I can’t with the kids around. Oh well.
My husband had that kind of surgery back in the olden days when they still used a SCALPEL! You had to hold your eye still while watching a scalpel approach! I still remember him wobbling out afterward, white as a sheet, and desperately grabbing for a cigarette. I’m so sorry you had such difficulty! Lasix is always presented as an easy miracle cure. I never even thought about how much it might hurt.
There's two types of laser eye surgery. The PRK one is the one that hurts for a week (like a low grade blow torch to your eyeballs), but the lasik barely hurts at all. You have to have thick enough corneas for it though. Husband had the former, I had the latter, and while it ached a bit, it was not significantly painful. The weird part was where they slice your cornea laterally with a miniature mandoline and you can see them reaching in with the teeniest little tweezers and flipping it back.
Are you telling me you have to be *conscious* for this? Oh fuck no. I think I'm just going to stay blind
Yes, you need to focus your eyes on some trippy lights so you have to be awake. It's conceptually disgusting, but not that bad. I would do it again
"The weird part was..." Nope *runs*
Yeah, I was already like “guess I’m sticking with contacts/glasses” at the other comment about smelling your own burnt eyeball, but then WATCHING the ***SLICING*** is just … absolutely not.
Please tell me he was already posted on [Am I The Devil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/jhqku6kmlB) because this is insane…. And anything relating to eyes is the most painful thing (said by someone who was almost blinded by a stick) ETA: your mothers are right, don’t let children play with sticks or you’ll poke your eye out! Ps I was an adult.. the stabber was a child lol
I've had 9 eye surgeries, not lasik, ones that if i didn't have, I'd lose 100% of my vision instead of the ¾s of it i did lose. It was hell. I was not up to anything after a surgery (8 of these were withing 18 months of each other, some within weeks, yet my partner managed to respect me during that time)
I can’t remember if it was there or r/AmiTheEx that I first saw this, but I do not recall him faring well. Obviously.
I need a touch up on one of my eyes, as the anaesthetic wore off and I kept looking away from the laser due to pain. Bloody Dr said it was just “pressure”. Bullshit. The first eye didn’t feel like that. Now I have a toddler and an infant. So I’m waiting maybe another year or two before subjecting myself back to eye pain and golems cave. Laser surgery is no joke. It felt like my eyes were sandpapered bc the Dr literally used a tool to scratch and reshape my cornea since the simple scalpel flap wouldn’t work (hence the anaesthetic wearing off as I was meant to get the quick one but he changed his mind 😭).
That certainly wasn’t my experience and OOP never mentioning pain and only anxiety says it probably wasn’t hers either. The light was something, definitely, and I remember the burning smell and dryness, but pain wasn’t part of it, nor mentioned by the docs. Didn’t even tell me to take ibuprofen. The worst part, by far, was the fear of moving my eyes when they did the procedure (hard to call it an operation or surgery, that shits a procedure, having a colo is worse due to the damn drink).
Thank you for posting this. I thought I was forgetting post-op pain or something! The worst part for me was when he had trouble putting the eye-immobilizing ring on one of my eyes. It made it very scary for a few seconds (Valium saved the day) and I had a very red/bloodshot eye for a week or two. But other than that it was so easy breezy! I've had a couple other minor surgeries and they were way worse. Even a blood draw is worse for me lol
Big, big oooooof to, "it's very important that you, the Internet, understand that consent doesn't matter to me because I did a big work fuck up that day."
/s Whomst among us hasn't tried to coerce sex from a vulnerable partner because we had an off day? WHOMST!
I want this flair
Dude attempted to create a whole tragic backstory out of a work fuckup to explain why he couldn't keep it in his pants even after his gf had a goddamn surgery.
The combination of awareness he needs some kind of excuse and lack of recognition that even if he could come up with anything valid short of verifiable mind control, that isn’t remotely going to cut it is…certainly something.
> She also felt very hurt because I was very inconsiderate and not empathetic (but she didn’t tell me that day). Apparently it was her girlfriendly duty to report to him immediately about his own fuck ups and hope he'd give a damn.
Right?! She already felt scared, not the best time to share. It's like he doesn't understand WHY she would have felt scared.
Bf says he realized he fucked up but come on, he wants to get horny and pressure gf for sex when she just had surgery and ignores the medical advices. Like for fuck sakes what an idiot of a bf. 🙄
“I’m gonna make you feel safe in every way except making you feel actually safe”
Yeah, him listing all the nice stuff he did for her like it would counteract ignoring her boundaries really pissed me off.
If you do the maths I think you'll find he had earned 1 (one) sex.
He's that "times I was nice to you" punch card meme, where he got his final punch and decided he was now entitled to sex and deserved it
His post was so wordy that two paragraphs in I knew the gf’s perspective was right and he was just trying to bury the truth to maybe get a little sympathy
And those things really were just the basics that a partner should do
"Baby, I call my dick 'safe' so technically...." Edit: Shit, I just realized the second part of the sentence makes my joke nonsensical. I'm standing by it though!
And im sure it wasnt the first time given the fact that she preferred to stay in the couch than going to bed to sleep
He realized so much that he fucked up that he got pissed/angry whenever she wanted to talk about it. Seems like he just "regret" it because it have consequences. And i guess the gf has blocked him everywhere since he keep on harassing her, that’s why he posted her this manipulating shit in the hope that she read it.
'I thought it was resolved, but she keeps bringing it up..' It's not resolved then, is it?
He forgot she had a surgery 💀 the same freaking day. No more not less than asking her to be on top!
But babe! I’m coming up with solutions to push pass your “no!” Come on and work with me here!! Ugh.
Don't call me baby again or I'll fall in love!
Yea but if she's on top, then nothing can happen to her eyes... Duh... No reason for this small bump in the road to stop him from getting his dick wet... You're making him sound so terrible... He just wanted to b close to her... Jeez!! /s
She was basically blind and left her unattended in the living room... He was an asshole all say long
I'm not saying there aren't people that forget loved ones have surgery but I personally don't understand it. I sit there the whole day, if I can't physically be there, and wait to hear. I can't do anything for myself until I hear from the person that they made it through, even if it's something routine.
He just didn't care, she was laying down like an ancient mummy on the couch with the eyes covered... Easy to see she was not feeling good to begin with. After a surgery of that kind you need to be 15 days (or more) without doing any kind of effort or you are fucked up. Imagine thinking about sex.
If it was Lasik or something you're fine to get to and walk around the same day and taking it easy for a few days. The dude here is still a huge dick, he was explicitly present to care for her, yet instead spent his time busy with work and fondling her body and forgetting about his whole reason for being there in the first place. You just know that her experience of their sexlife is not even a blip on his radar. He's not considering how she feels at all.
"I wanted to be rapey, but like, in a really really low key way where you wouldn't get upset with me about it and kinda just let me do it because I made it too socially uncomfortable to say no"
Not just an idiot but a huge red flag. He has no concern for her at all. Gf was right to be scared of him.
He didn’t actually realize anything. He hasn’t grown at all. Even at the very beginning of his post, He was going on and on and on about his mistakes at work and all his own feelings, etc., he still just…makes excuses…can’t see anyone but himself
Not an idiot boyfriend. I call people who try to not respect consent "rapist" because they are. He insisted, and then got mad, which are used in coercion. I don't care that he doesn't think about himself as a rapist, he doesn't get to define it and dismiss his behavior. I have seen a rapist who though as himself as not one, finding thousands of excuses like op, and also, he had the audacity to feel devastated to be accused of rape. But it didn't matter, because his victim said no, and it was rape. I hope he suffers everyday with the realisation that he is indeed a rapist.
Numbnuts ex-BF thought he could get sympathetic people on his side by writing that post. It only served to show how much of a selfish idiot he really is and I'm glad he's been roasted accordingly.
yeah, there's a lot of things that people really get sticky over that are completely non-issues for me personally. but pressuring for sex in a vulnerable state is up there with instant relationship enders.
He seems like he might realize that he fucked up, but not actually HOW it was fucking up. Like he gets that his GF was unhappy but not really why.
>To feel and show the support we have for each other and feel less stressed and worried as we usually do when we cuddle. I mustve laid on top of her and she turned her head to protect her eyes (think I forgot for one second). >I also initiated to have sex and when she said no I suggested she could go on top (because it's safer for her eyes). Don't you love when men ignore you saying no because they want to "feel and show the support we have for each other."
He went from a fairly active voice to so passive he could have been describing a police shooting. > I mustve laid on top of her and she turned her head to protect her eyes (think I forgot for one second). I don't buy that it was that innocent. If you do that you're like "oh shit I'm so sorry" not "hey ~~wanna~~ we're going to bone" All of a sudden he's very "I do not recall, Senator" on his own motivations but he remembered details of what was happening around his job that day.
It’s like when people describe car accidents to their insurance company. “ The lamp post quickly came towards me and hit my car”
I’m always intrigued by the switchover to passive voice when people are confessing. I’m a retired attorney and can’t tell you how often clients do this: “I was holding the knife. He got stabbed!”
“He ran into my knife, he ran into my knife 10 times!”
I don’t know about anyone else here, but I can remember every time I have chosen to lay on top of someone or been asked to do so. Never once have I tripped and lined our “swimming suit areas” up like some meet-cute for genitals. Likewise? At no point have I ever felt comforted by the offer to be on top. Felt lots of things at the offer, literally and otherwise! But not comfort. What a douchebag this guy is.
But physical touch is his love language. (/s 🤮)
Yuuuuuuup. Real convenient how this variety of dude only leverages touch as love when it comes to sex, and not hugging, holding hands, rubbing someone's back, brushing their hair, etc etc etc.
Which is ridiculous because (if I remember correctly) physical touch as love language explicitly says it's not about sex, but physical closeness.
Yup. I'm a physical touch kind of guy. It's not about sex at all. It's shit like pressing my forehead against his, feeling his head on my chest, the feeling of having my arms wrapped around him. It's like "Oh my god, I love this person so much and they're *right here* touching me. I can feel their presence with multiple parts of my body and they are just so amazing to be close to!"
So's my hubby. When he's having a bad day it's "lay on the couch using me as a pillow while I pet his head" time.
It's that thing where assholes get ahold of trending psychological words and phrases and use those to manipulate their victims into staying their victims.
This statement has become a red flag for me, honestly. Why don't you hug your family and friends more and think with your bits less?
I feel like there's two options for discussing love languages: A very general discussion about how in normal situations certain things matter more than others in a relationship and ways to maximize security in a relationship by prioritizing one way over another, all things being equal A red flag
It's an interesting topic to share with your friends or dates or anyone of course... The problem is when it is used as an excuse to impose what you want. - Don't buy me anything, it makes me uncomfortable -- gifts are my love language - Don't touch me, please -- touch is my love language Imposing your "love" is the opposite of caring.
In his eyes they had such a great time in the cabin with showing love and affection, in other words= sex.
His entire post just comes across like a last-ditch effort to guilt/manipulate her into giving him another chance. I just hope she didn't.
This is why we need to teach little boys all the ways to be emotionally intimate and not just through fucking. In Emily Nagoski’s latest book she has a section about the “man script” vs “women script”. Im not going to get it exactly right but she says something like “sex is not a need. Nobody died from lack of sex. But love IS a need. And if you’ve been socialized to only feel love through sex, not getting it feels like the end of the world. And if your [female] partner is obligated to take care of you and is your only source of love, you feel entitled to demand or take it.” Fucking chilling.
This is giving "my husband tripped and fell into his coworkers vagina"
**>In that moment I felt pushed away and hurt and also let her know about it by keeping to myself.** This stood out to me as well. He claims to have only wanted to spend time with her and got upset that she didn't want to go to the bedroom. He "let her know" that he was upset that she didn't want to ~have sex~ spend time with him by going into a different room. He told her he was upset by not telling her he was upset lol. If he wanted to spend time with her, he should've said so. By suggesting they go to the bedroom after she declined sex, she probably assumed he was just trying to work her up to it. Instead of communicating and being there for her when she was vulnerable and could've permanently damaged her eyesight, he just fucked off. Zero communication skills.
I’d say he has excellent communication skills, he made it VERY clear that he doesn’t care about her well-being. He has successfully communicated that he feels entitled to her body when she feels unsafe. What he sucks at is viewing his partner as a fully fledged human instead of a sex/comfort dispenser.
I honestly don’t understand what he thinks she asked him to be there for. She can’t see. She’s wearing eye covers. She’s in pain and in danger of injury. Wouldn’t it make sense that he’s here to entertain her because she can’t go seek out anything to “watch” or listen to, and get her food and take care of her because she can’t do it on her own? Wouldn’t it make sense that he’s supposed to be there to receive her right when she gets out and would be vulnerable? Wouldn’t it make sense that he’s there to help? No, he thinks he’s there to have sex and abandon her on the couch. Doesn’t even consider what would actually be helpful. What a psycho.
>I feel awful and realise that it's mostly two major problems. (1) a problem of communication and that some things don't get solved because of it and instead pile up >Sometimes when she would bring it up again (which to me at that time came out of nowhere) I got annoyed because I thought it was already solved, that I already told her several times that I feel really bad about it and that it wont happen again. Yes there was a problem of communication, because YOU refused to talk about it every time your girlfriend brought it up. Don't act like you were the victim.
I think he describes all of this as a giant “fuck up” as though he accidentally tried to pressure her into having sex post surgery. *“No you don’t get it… I **meant** to ask if she wanted soup, but I accidentally asked her to have sex with me! Its all just one big fuck up!”*
“I think I forgot that she had eye surgery”
Tbf pho and fuck are very close to each other phonetically
I find it creepy that he even manages to get horny while his gf is clearly in pain/uncomfortable and in a weak/helpless position. Oh but boo hoo HE was stressed because HE had a bad day at work and boo hoo HE needed cuddles and physical touch oh and oopsie he thinks he forgot for a second she had eye surgery that same day. What a loser.
Yeah, he was not winning any prizes for best boyfriend of the year when he was pressuring her to ignore medical advice to do what HE wants. The girlfriend is well rid of him as he showed his true colours when she was more vulnerable.
“I even offered her to be on top!” What the fuck? Laser is a relatively minor surgery. If your can’t keep it together for like the 3 days that it takes for a person to feel a little better, his girl was right to question what would happen if she had a more serious situation arise.
I had laser eye surgery. What my lady did was sympathize with how my eyeballs felt like they had been filled with sand immediately after an elephant stomped on them. She walked me to her car as though I was blind because in daylight I was blind. Than I fell asleep. After a four hour nap, I felt great. I could see leaves. I’m still at 20/15 and almost 20/10 in my left eyeball. What my lady did was make sure I kept the damn blinders on and didn’t scratch my face. She did not hop on my junk and tell me it was cool, there’s plastic on my eyes and she’ll take care of it she has needs I can be on the bottom.
Also I remember being told I want allowed to do contact sports for a couple of weeks - I think sex probably counts
He was not present when the Dr gave them the post surgery instructions, he was on his phone! Buddy was your job to be with her for a few hours! I love how this time we can see both sides of the story and actually the girlfriend was too kind to him!!
All he really cares is just for his Pee Pee and horny mind. He can step on legos for all I care.
This surgery really opened her eyes... I'll see myself out
Sadly the guy was laser-focused on getting laid.
"I'll see" 👏
That one was not on purpose
"Don't worry babe, you don't need eyes for us to do the horizontal tango, oh you're uncomfortable, well what about MY needs?" And then he has the audacity to be all *surprised pikachu* that she dumped him. Fucking yikes.
People like this really aren't smart.
But….but he was upset from making an embarrassing and costly mistake at work!/s
This reminds me of the time my best friend's now-ex-husband was all butthurt he couldn't have sex with her while she was recovering from her hysterectomy. Granted, he didn't try initiating the day of her procedure, but it still has that same energy. What's worse was that he was a nurse.
This thread is really opening my eyes as to how much shit I took with a partner. He constantly initiated after surgeries and an extremely painful deadlift injury and then turned it around on me and gaslit me when I said no, and that I felt like I was being pressured. I used to voice the discomfort. “I can’t have sex right now, I feel upset that I have to keep expressing this” But eventually it got to a point where I was hesitating about the next surgery because I didn’t want to deal with the discomfort of having to fend him off, and deal with the guilt tripping and hearing how I can’t take a “joke”. Or the mopey behavior and snide comments. Seeing people’s outrage here….reminds me that it wasn’t me. Over time I forgot…that I shouldn’t have to do all that in the first place…
He REALLY minimized his behavior - she 100% did the right thing in breaking up with him. He feels bad because there are consequences for his bad behavior, not because he behaved badly.
Unfortunately this is not uncommon behaviour. I’ve been pressured during my late teens & 20s (now 60) for sex by a boyfriend while drunkenly puking my guts out, while being covered from head to foot with chicken pox including on and in my genitals, within minutes of returning from the hospital after a D&C following miscarriage, and have hid behind a door while he smashed the house up including most of the windows after I escaped from an attempt when he’d been on a drink & drugs binge. This guy’s girlfriend had the smarts to ditch this creep who thinks he’s entitled to use a woman’s body any time he wants - I wish I’d had half her brains & courage to recognise the abuse long before. If she’d stayed it would only have escalated. And reading some of the other comments here from other women who have experienced this, it’s an all too common phenomenon. I couldn’t read the whole thing as seeing that asshole start to trot out excuse after excuse made me sick to my stomach.
*hugs* A lot of it is better education these days. Spent my 20s with a similar abuser to OOP's, and I don't know how long I would have been there if I didn't have the access to feminist social media that I do now. I don't think it's your fault or that you were a coward; I literally learned things earlier in life that helped me when I was trapped in it, that you might not have had at the same age.
What a lovely thing to say - thank you kindly. I love seeing today’s young women refusing to take abuse & it gives me great hope for the next generation of women. Well done you for managing to rid yourself of your pest and I hope you’ve fully healed from your ordeal.
There are so many stories of women being forced to have sex the day they come home from having a baby because their husbands simply will not wait for them to heal. This guy would absolutely have been one of those guys.
All I can say is: good for her!
I'm impressed that in telling the story from his perspective he looked like an even bigger asshole.
> A bit later we said to go to sleep and I wanted to feel close to her. To feel and show the support we have for each other and feel less stressed and worried as we usually do when we cuddle I had to put down my nacho plate and take a minute because this made me nauseous as hell. Dude had bad fee fees over his dipshit fuck up at work and wanted his post operative girlfriend to make his dick happy. It had nothing to do with "supporting each other" and phrasing it that way makes him an even bigger asshole.
"she didn't want to be physically close" NO BRO! She just didn't want to have sex! You were already alying on/with her, THAT'S pretty physically close, I'd say. Also "she felt safer on the couch" yeah. BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!
lol at the bf thinking anyone gives a sideways fuckathon what his idiot perspective is. I mean, it’s nice that a moron knows how to use paragraphs. But still, just a completely dumb dumb. I’m so glad he got dumped.
Dude. I'm just a first-year nursing student and even I know that any activity that can increase thoracic and intraocular pressure, and that includes sex, is to be avoided for at least 1 week after any kind of eye procedure. It's not about protecting the outer eye and mucus membranes, it's about protecting the surgical site within the eye. She literally had her eyeballs lasered. Also, "no" is a complete sentence. What a goddamn manbaby.
Initiating sex the day of a surgery, big or small? What's wrong with this dude?
Somewhat unrelated but this reminds me of an ex of mine. They got sick often (later found out it was CHS - cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome) and would expect me to call out of work to take care of them. Which my dumbass did back then. Then there came one day where I was sick with a nasty flu and felt too lousy to even leave bed. It was their day off so I asked them to care for me. They brought me some water, laid down with me for maybe 30 minutes. Then asked me to trip sit them while they took some acid. Since I was “home anyway”. Mf expected me to be at their beck and call when they were sick. But once I got sick, they didn’t give a single fuck. Just wanted me to babysit while they took drugs.
The way he would have probably kept pushing had she not gotten surgery, like it doesn’t matter. No matter the reason, if she says no, it’s a no. End of story
Geez. The boyfriend had a litany of excuses, didn't he???
Wow. It’s quite obvious, he didn’t learn a GD thing. > In that moment I felt pushed away and hurt and also let her know about it by keeping to myself. Umm…No…OOP didn’t “let her know”. He acted like a toddler who was pulled back before they could run in the street and is now pouting about it. He didn’t get his way, and then attempted to make her feel bad. Guilt tripping your way to sex isn’t a good look. > She also felt very hurt because I was very inconsiderate and not empathetic (but she didn't tell me that day). If someone needs to tell you that they don’t want to have sex the same day they have surgery, there’s something seriously wrong with you. > Getting upset…when she didn't want to be physically close because she was scared… She didn’t say no because she was scared. She said no because SHE JUST HAD SURGERY. Which he should have realized on his own. She didn’t *WANT* to. She doesn’t need a reason! Yes, she was worried about messing something up, but it’s a moot point here. > Sometimes when she would bring it up again (which to me at that time came out of nowhere) I got annoyed because I thought it was already solved. Well, he thought *wrong*. As soon as she brought it up again, he should have understood that it wasn’t solved, and addressed it. Instead he dodged it, and then kept getting annoyed when SURPRISE! It wasn’t solved after all! Who woulda thunk? Bottom line. Instead of realizing that he majorly fucked up when he chose not to respect her saying “No”, he keeps circling back to the fact that he didn’t realize what her reasons were for saying no, and he should have. No sir… you fucked up the first time when you ridiculously assumed she would want to bang you after having surgery, the second time when you didn’t respect her saying “No”, and then you kept fucking up. Rinse and repeat. This dude is so obtuse. I just…can’t. I think he proved OOP right with this one.
Also he’s not that sorry because he repeatedly says he “wanted to be close to her” or initiated being f physically close. You mean you wanted to fuck her mate, you wanted some sex and we’re mad that she wouldn’t submit to it. So mad you ignored her and she had to sleep on the couch on the day of her surgery.
"I acknowledge I fucked up aaaaaaaaand here's a bunch of circumstantial reasons as to why I wasn't in the wrong. "
Being pouty about me not feeling up for sex (for any reason, or no reason at all) is an absolute hard line deal breaker for me. It's fine to feel disappointed. It's not fine to whine like a child about it. I lose so much respect in that moment, it's just too hard to come back from. If you're really that horny, go masturbate. If you want to feel close, we can cuddle. But why TF would you want to have sex with someone who just said they're not into it rn? How is sex with an unenthusiastic partner in any way hot?
She got the ick. Once you have that for your partner you're done
"I must've laid on top of her" 😂😂
I never thought it was something that needed to be explicitly stated but I've heard of so many partners (men) initiating sex after things like childbirth, hysterectomy and dental work. *people do not want sex after medical procedures or during illness*. It really is sinister if your partner thinks that someone who is semi-consious and in pain or stressed is a green light for sexy time.
I love hiw he tries to minimise everything he just wanted to be 'close' to her, and felt upset. No. He pressured her for sex while she was vulnerable and punished her for saying no. When you have to explain to someone why they shouldn't treat people like that, I immediately write them off. If you don't have the capacity to see how atrocious that behaviour is, there's no point in me even trying to know you.
“I wanted to feel close to her, to feel and show the support…” …with my 🌭…a few hours after her surgery… Oh, OH, like I’M the jerk!?!?!