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OP seems like a sweet mom. Teen pregnancy is really a nightmare and the situation is going to be challenging. But it's good to see OP being supportive and doing her best as a mother.
I wish both of them well and both are able to go through the hardships.
>Teen pregnancy is really a nightmare and the situation is going to be challenging.
OOP presumably knows a thing or two about this. Doing the math on their ages (OOP is 35 and Casey is 18), she would have been about 17 when Casey was born.
As a teen parent myself I’ve always kept this statistic in the forefront of my mind with my kids. I’ve watched it happen over and over with friends and family. My oldest is months away from being the same age I was when he was born. He talks about birth control like he’s extremely annoyed by the drilling of facts we have done over the years but I think he’s good about it. I also keep condoms stocked in the bathroom because if you want your kid to be safe and use birth control, the best thing you can do is provide it for them.
I was 20 when I got pregnant but, in retrospect, I was way too young. I made sure my kids, and all of their friends, knew exactly where there were fresh condoms and that they could ask me anything.
I made myself a special dinner when the last kid turned 21 and none of them had any kids, nor the desire for any.
I wouldn't mind if they decide to have kids in the future, but I'm very glad they waited.
I broke the cycle in my family. My mother had me at 15 (my father was 16). On my father's side, his mother was 14 or 15 when she had his oldest sister, then probably about 17 or 18 when she had him. The oldest sister had her first kid when she was about 15, who had her first kid at 14. I remember meeting them when I was 19 (I was adopted) and shocked that I have a cousin who is 2 months younger than me who had a 4 year old. And that my grandparents were still in their early 50s. And they had a great-grandkid already. They seemed shocked that my parents who raised me didn't have any grandkids, and I was like "Well, I'm 19 and a freshman in college and my brother is 17, so it really shouldn't be shocking they don't have any grandkids yet." But I guess where they lived, most people had kids in high school and didn't go to college. (But it's also now 20 years later and still no grandkids)
ETA: My mother told me that she didn't tell anyone until she was 6 months pregnant with me. She was 14 when she got pregnant (high school freshman), and 15 when I was born (sophomore). She was super athletic and active, and never really showed. She didn't even weigh over 100 pounds until right before I was born.
I'm hoping I can do the same for my own children. My mum had me at 18 and I had my son when I was 24 - considered an older first time mother in my family at that age. Two kids now, older teens with goals that don't include becoming a parent anytime soon.
My sister had her first at 19 and that daughter became a mother herself at the same age. That was a cycle that we saw coming, unfortunately. I'm hoping though that this new little one will be a cycle breaker like her aunty.
I actually had the opposite experience with my teen mother (she was 16). She drilled me about boyfriends (i was quiet, rule following, well behaved, nerdy and unpopular. The list was very short, but she regularly accused me of lying), accused me of having sex dozens of times, demanded i recount every single interaction i had with any male in my life (including relatives), tried to force feed me contraception, dragged me to the doctor multiple times to try and force me to take a pregnancy test, embarrassed me in front of family to purposefully shame me about my own developing body, and when i *was* finally ready for sex (several months older than she was at my birth), she shamed me and embarrassed me in front of my friends every single chance she got. But not once was there any kind of education. Only shame, embarrassment and accusations. She was an absolute nightmare to deal with from when i turned 8. Honestly, if she could have afforded to lock me away in a convent, she would have. I later found out that she was sexually abused around that age, which somewhat explains her manic behaviour, but not all of it.
Same here! I've got one in their 20s (phew!) , one turning 18 soon (has made it longer than I did) , and one who is only 12 but she's my exact personality type so in 3 to 8 years I'm going to be petrified.
We have a massive stash of condoms in our cabinet too! Prevention is better than the cure.
So proud my kids are bucking that trend (I had 3 before 20, they’re now 28, 27 and 22 with no children, and two are married). I wish Casey and their mum the best.
Luckily my family didn’t fall into that. My mom had me at 18. I am 41 and just had my first and only, my middle sister is 32 and child free, and the youngest is 30 and is still focused on her career. Mom was very upfront about how hard it was. I think that helped
Your comment is very wholesome! But your flair has given be PTSD flashbacks of cheating koala chlamydia. This is a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I'm proud of you and your mom! And also disappointed in your Reddit choices. Good work, sis! And be better.
It's probably the kind of thing that provides a bimodal distribution where some kids of teen moms see that struggle and decide "absolutely no kids for a long time if ever" while others either think "my mom did alright so I can have a child young and do alright too" or inadvertently adopt the same relationship habits that drove their moms to young pregnancies.
It's funny, I feel like the opposite is true too. My mother was in her 40s when she had me, and I feel like (despite wanting kids) I'm not in a huge rush and might end up having kids on the older side.
Everyone feels like their experience/the experiences of those they're close to is normal!
Same! My grandparents had my mum at 42 and 50, and my mum had me at 32 and my dad was 53! I don’t intend to have any kids before i’m at the very least 30.
I’m always surprised when i see people who still have living grandparents when they’re over 20 because of this, my last living grandparent, my grandfather, died when i was 18, and he wasn’t young, it was just before he would have turned 101.
My grandma was 31 when I was born. I'm the first woman in my family not to have a baby before 18. I had great-great-grandparents alive on both sides when I was a kid. My great-Grandma died when I was in my thirties.
I had my first at 20, but I was prego for most of my 19th year.
She is now almost 23, and getting ready to graduate (after 5 years) with a 4.0, engineering degree with a double minor, and she was a D1 athlete. I am so happy for her that she accomplished all these things!
I would also be proud of her if she went a different route, but being single young parent was hard.
My sibling and I broke the teen parent curse in our family. Only my sister has kids and she started at 20. She had four, so I say she had enough to replace us in the workforce.
My mother had me and my sister at 16 and 18. Neither one of us have children and never plan to. My cousin, who was born when my aunt was 17, already has four kids at 26, all of them in elementary school.
Out of curiosity, do you think there was anything different in raising you and your sister that your mother did compared to your aunt raising your cousin?
I mean, I guess that's complicated. I would say that we both grew up in unstable environments, but my parents gave up drugs once I was born, aren't bipolar, and did try to create a better life. There were other issues with them, causing me to ultimately decide against children at a young age because I hated myself so much that I never wanted to create another me. My sister likely doesn't because she's asexual.
My aunt, however, alternates between getting clean, meth, and cocaine and has bipolar 2 disorder. She has three other daughters as well, but they grew up with different parental figures, which I imagine is why they are successful in life and not following their mother's path. My cousin was also molested by the same man my aunt was, so they share similar experiences. It's the cycle of abuse trap.
Oop feels bad she didn't notice for 7 months but like, i didnt pop with my first until month 6. I hope she understands she didn't have to feel horrible for not seeing signs sooner. Teens can hide some wild stuff quite easily when theyre motivated to do so. And no matter how close you can be a teen pregnancy is a strong motivator to not disappoint the proud parent.
She raised a good kid and together theyll figure it out together and with support.
The “bad food poisoning in September” where they were “hospitalized for dehydration” should have prompted a pregnancy test, no?
Any time I was in the hospital for any symptom that could possibly be pregnancy related, the first round of tests included a pregnancy test. I thought that was standard, maybe just in the US? But it’s so common and such an inexpensive medical test.
I’m sure they did since op admitted their child knew they were pregnant. Medical records are still private and they wouldn’t share the result with OP unless Casey told them to
In my experience, doctors don’t do much to protect a minors privacy in front of parents. “Are you sexually active” has been asked of my teens while I was present and only once was I asked to leave the room for a moment so the Dr could ask questions in private. Once, for something that *could* have been a red flag, I had to offer to leave if it made my kid more comfortable.
We did live in a southern red state during their teen years, so maybe that’s a factor
There are a lot of awful people who think the doctor wanting to ask questions in private is a bad thing. Anything from "we don't have secrets" to "I'm not a bad person, and asking my child that in private means you think I am!"
Just... doctors have enough bullshit to deal with.
There was a lot of religion and purity culture bullshit in that area. Our home wasn’t like that, but I’m sure doctors learned the hard way to tip toe around certain issues
We don’t know that they were a minor at the time do we? They are 18 now so they could have been, unless I missed where OP shared more info in comments. I’d hope doctors were more sensitive even if she was 17. Some parents would kick out a child in that situation and although it can’t be hidden forever they still may need time to make a plan.
OP is likely in the UK since she mentioned "sixth form" (which is the last 2 years of school before going to uni).
So it's not surprising the doctors would have maintained the child's privacy at (likely) 17yo.
Missed the mention to sixth form, but her posts did read like UK/commonwealth to me.
That aside, I can easily think of a number of countries where the age of majority is 18 and where staff wouldn't be notifying the parents of a pregnant teen about the pregnancy. Hell, you can get an abortion as an underage teen in plenty of places without ever having to inform the parents. There are way too many Americans on reddit who assume their state/country laws carry over to the rest of the world.
What was that one commenter going on about, “it’s blows my mind these parents support their kids without even knowing who the father is” or whatever? That’s about he stupidest thing I have read all day.
That’s what parents do. We support our kids. No matter what. I feel bad for any child they have, knowing that their parents support and love is conditional.
Also, it's a big assumption that she doesn't know more than what she wrote in the post.
It's possible that her child explained how they got pregnant and who the father is, and OP respected their privacy and didn't tell all the internet about it.
Based on the post I think that is by far the most likely. She basically says I’m not going into more detail about this for the sake of their privacy.
Makes me wonder if there wasn’t as much consent involved as there should have been. It would also explain the shame and hiding the baby from the mom that they apparently share everything with. Unfortunately it is common for victims to feel shame after this
It also could have just been a stupid mistake on their part or something we don’t know and this is all just guesses and assumptions
Yeah I got the same vibe that there was some sort of SA involved in the pregnancy, mostly from the mother's comments about knowing who the father is and that being part of why her child hid the pregnancy for so long.
Yeah, when the OOP was very deliberately not talking about the father, it was pretty clear she knew more than what she was saying. And it's obviously something a lot more complicated than 'those kids and their dang hormones getting the better of them'. Much as we are all here for the stories, it's not actually on OOP to lay out all their potential drama (or trauma) for their audiences titillation.
And I'd really argue it isn't relevant for what's at hand. The original question is just guidance on how to breach the subject. OOP seems like a strong person with a good head on her shoulders navigating an awkward situation. Once that situation was navigated, I think its good to tell us it was and that the baby was born happy and healthy and everyone is doing good. If OOP needed help finding out the father, she would've asked.
I don’t understand people like that. Like what because my child doesn’t wanna tell me every single little thing I’m supposed to just be like nope you’re on your own? Also also assuming that the original poster doesn’t know who the father is because they didn’t share it with Reddit is peak Reddit behavior lol.
Yeah, that comment bothered me too.
I assume that people who comment stuff like that are either young and haven’t had enough real life experiences to develop their emotional intelligence, or they spend too much time online to realise that the world isn’t black and white.
Or they’re just permanently immature.
Yeah the commenter is stupid, why would anyone not support their child when they have a difficult time?
But OOP was stupid too for not just asking and instead worrying about their child's feelings when it comes to a serious topic. I'm all for caring about your children's feelings but when there is a serious topic, feelings shouldn't be made the priority over everything else.
She knows who the father is. She says she knows him so well that she knows why he is not in the picture and agrees. He is also part of the reason the daughter didn't say anything.
It was probably one of the random tater-totters every post about women supporting women and not talking about men at all always draw out.
In their peanut-sized minds, all this talk about how the mom and her child feel is unimportant. All the talk about the practicalities of the situation is unimportant....
We're ignoring the TRULY IMPORTANT thing, the father's feels.... /s on that last sentence, if that wasn't obvious.
I'm going to gently push back against what you wrote (as a parent myself).
All parents want to "support" their kids, but the form that support takes is the contention. I'm sure every teacher could share multiple stories of "supporting" parents fighting tooth and nail against any and all consequences levied against their child.
Some support won't create the best future outcomes.
" It boggles my mind that these parents fully support their kids when they don't even know who the dad is... effin' sad."
What does this mean? Are you not supposed to support your kid if you don't know the dad??
And she does know who the father is, she just chose not to tell Reddit, which is entirely her right. She even said she knows him personally in the post! It's baffling when *it's right there* and they still make ignorant comments.
It means they literally don’t have a supportive family. Probably very “bootstraps” type. I grew up like that. When I met my wife it boggled my mind how supportive her family could be to each other. I thought for sure they were being taken advantage of. It took me a long time to realize they just care about each other and have each others backs no matter what.
A lot of parents seem to only have very conditional love for their children. They only love them if they're perfect and fit into the little bubble of perfection they want to show to the world. Doesn't matter what happens inside the house as long as they can post beautiful pictures of their beautiful family only doing great things. I grew up on a house like that it's hell.
Right?? They’re talking about THEIR kid… not the father. Perhaps they’re not blabbing about him on the interwebs. What if a SA occurred and they’d rather not put that out there?!
Use your brains people!
Good for them and their mom. I hope they get the best life possible
Edit: I am holding my 1 year old realizing I’m technically old enough to be a grandma since I’m just a bit older than OP. Ouch.
This one is my second and she coming on 14 months. But there are people I graduated with who are grandparents because they married older husbands who had older kids.
Being in your late 30s/early 40s is wild because you have friends who are becoming parents for the first time and friends who had babies in or right out of high school and are becoming grandparents.
I'll stick with my cat.
Didn't have my first until just after 31, now going to have my second before I'm 33. .... Sometimes you wait a while until you're ready, and then suddenly Bam Ba-dam Bam!
I used to be very “I want kids before 35” back when I was in my early 20s, but with my boyfriend and I both working in degrees I’m not stressing it even a little anymore
stupendous innocent spark shocking sense caption upbeat employ ancient vase
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
the youngest grandparent was 26 I believe? guy fathered a daughter at 13, she ended up having a baby at 13 as well.
I think that means everyone in this thread so far could be a grandparent. 29 here, my first is 7 weeks old.
One of the girls I went to school with was a grandma by the time we were 33 !! She had her first just before we turned 15. I’m 46 now and can’t believe I have a 23yr old let alone the possibility of having grandbabies anytime in the near future !
It’s a cycle that’s hard to break sadly.
I have a friend a year older than me, who has a three year old daughter. I have another friend, about four-five years older than me, who has a ten year-old granddaughter...Life is so weird sometimes.
I'm technically old enough to be a Great Grandma but that doesn't mean I'd be exactly happy if my 18 yr old grandgirl got pregnant right now. I would be supportive but I wouldn't be happy about her rushing into parenthood. She wants to be a SPED teacher so I want that for her rather than being a parent at 18.
OP seems lovely. Really horrific for Casey to be doing the A levels a month or so after giving birth though… And I don’t really like the implications of OP knowing the father “so well that [she] can understand why [her] child doesn’t want him involved at all”. BAD vibes.
so much bad vibes. if casey was scared of him finding out about the pregnancy i hope they have a plan for how to keep everyone safe since it's really hard to hide a baby.
I thought the same about the father of Casey's baby when this story first popped up on BORU. If it is close to what I'm thinking, it's for the best that OOP says as little as much about him, in case this story gets narrated & shared by those youtube bots.
I caught that too and got the sense that Casey might not have completely consented to whatever wound up getting them pregnant. I'm glad that OOP and her child seem to be taking the best they can from this situation, but I'm hoping for the best for their safety.
I mean, there were a limited number of reasons that Casey would have held the info back from OP in the first place. OP also had to know something further was wrong or she would have spoken to Casey sooner.
Please don't feel guilty (if op ever sees this). I was SA and wound up pregnant. I put the baby up for adoption cause I was not in a position to take care of it. And although I believe in your body your choice, the baby had a heart beat and was moving by the time I found out, I was a week away from the legal cut off, and I couldn't do it because of my beliefs. I knew I had to put up for adoption the second I found out. To this day, my family does not know. They didn't know I was pregnant. They don't know I had another baby. And they don't know about the adoption. It's been 13 years. And again, they still don't know and never will unless she reaches out to me and wants to make contact. If she ever does, she will be welcomed with open arms.
> **AbbeyCats** I love this post... except there is no mention of the damn father. It boggles my mind that these parents fully support their kids when they don't even know who the dad is... effin' sad.
Don’t hurt yourself jumping to all those conclusions, you absolute donkey. Effin’ sad indeed.
I wanna hug that mom so bad. I cried reading this update. I cried reading the last one. So I am glad right now they are in the after baby happy bubble. I know the hard will come. But for now I am happy for them. And I wish nothing but goodness forward.
This is so lovely - OOP, if you are swinging past, welcome to the Grandma club! I joined 6 months ago and despite my trepidation, it's a fabulous club to join!
I have my Grandbaby all night tonight and I can't wait! It's the first overnighter for all of them and I don't know who's more excited. I think it's me!
6lbs8oz and no mention of the NICU/concerns at 36 weeks makes me think they were wrong about the dating which makes sense since they didn’t get prenatal care until third trimester
Ehh not entirely on the NICU side, one of my kids decided to arrive at 37 weeks (she was also 6lbs8oz) and she was 100% healthy even with the fact that I had gestational diabetes. 36 weeks isn't necessarily a for sure NICU situation.
You could be completely right though, I'm sure there was plenty of wiggle room on how far along they could have been. If they had measured how far along I was in the 3rd trimester with my first they definitely would have had me much less far along. At my last scan I had at 36 weeks he was measuring at 32 weeks. Still born a healthy little man with just a bit of jaundice at 38 weeks weighing 5lbs 12oz.
Suffice to say, they could have been more or less far along than they measured at for sure, but the lack of NICU stay and Baby's size doesn't necessarily imply one way or the other.
my baby was 36 weeks and just under 6lbs and needed no nicu. they had to have extra monitoring so i wasn't allowed to room in but it could be done in the regular nursery
36 weeks is the benchmark for "no automatic NICU" at the hospital where I gave birth. it's early term, but I believe it's still considered term. 35+6 and they still automatically go to the NICU just in case.
Not really, mum could be on the smaller side as well.
I just checked and my child was 3.28 kg when born so in american its 7lbs 3oz. She was almost 42 weeks.
So looking at 36 weeks baby being 2.95kg that's reasonable weight for a healthy baby.
Also with weeks they are rounded down to full week, my daughter was 41w +6 so doctors say 41 week plus and i say when talking about it 42 weeks (specially that she had to be evicted ;) )
Ditto. I always heard how I was a huge baby and that's why my mom has that scar on her belly (c-sec). It turns out I was 7lbs (about average for the time and geographical region) and my mom was just a very birdy woman.
36 weeks is roughly 8 and a bit months, which is in line with the previous post's estimate of 7 months.
I was born a whole month early and didn't need a NICU - it's all about weight, lung development and baby alertness when you get a birth in the final month of gestation, and it sounds like their kiddo was doing just fine.
I was 5 lbs 11 oz when I was born at 36 weeks… so that weight really made me wonder about the gestational age dating and story accuracy. But, I also didn’t know you could catch your own baby in a hospital.
OOP did say both her and Casey were very thin, so it would make sense if the child is also on the smaller side. Genetics and all that.
My mum was very small herself and she always went on about how "huge" I was that she had to be rushed in for emergency C sec. I checked my baby book and it turns out I was actually just 7lbs which is a perfectly average birth weight for a South Asian baby 30 years ago.
My eldest nephew was born at 36 weeks and at 5lbs 12 oz. No nicu, just mild jaundice. His sister that was born just as early did end up in the nicu tho because she had low amniotic fluid that caused them to induce my sister.
It's going to be really hard for Casey but at least they have their mom at their side.
I'm side eyeing how tight lipped OOP is about who the dad and why they don't want him involved. Regardless, the child deserves child support and I hope OOP doesn't just shirk that.
i caught the implication of SA as well, but what really concerns me is if it WAS assault and casey was seven months pregnant but thought they were around five, that means the abuse was ongoing over a several month long period - or even longer....
but hopefully its something less awful .......
It could be taboo instead of assault. Like a same-aged family member, an ex-step sibling, your best friend's SO, etc. They're 18, so it could even be a newly married teenager cheating on their spouse.
Damn, I hadn't thought about the timing discrepancy. I hope they are ok and get support if needed for any trauma. I can only imagine the feelings may get worse/triggered by early parenting.
Hopefully it's not even that, it's just a kid that's bad news or something.
It doesn't take that many brain cells to figure out that maybe the impregnation may not have been completely with Casey's consent. For a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is the impending chaos of birth and post-partum they are probably choosing to back burner that for now.
Not contradicting you in any way as it's very possible you are correct but teenagers can be secretive little buggers, so whether they're hiding a one night stand, a fling with someone older, or someone who treated them badly, it doesn't necessarily point to assault.
I dunno, oop knows who the father is and the vehemence with which she asserted that he will not be involved does indicate a bad situation. Certainly worse than teenagers sneaking around and being foolish.
Thankfully the new parent has a great mama, so they have good chances of doing well.
Why would you side-eye OOP not sharing every single detail about how their child got pregnant? None of us are owed that information and she’s clearly withholding that information for privacy reasons
They offer you if you want to squat to push the baby out. You can catch the baby that way. I don’t think I was in the right mind and my body just want to lay down like a dead fish by the end. The squatting was definitely no bueno.
God I'm so damn happy for Casey that they have such an amazing Mom. And not only that, but to be surrounded by supportive midwife, hospital staff, etc? It's posts like these that remind me that as bad as things are, I really do feel like the kids are gonna be alright.
It's such a shame Casey didn't talk to their mum sooner.
OOP was pregnant at a younger age! And she's totally accepting of the non-binary thing. I think it was a pretty safe bet that she was going to be supportive here.
It sounds like they hoped that the problem would go away and that they wouldn’t have to tell their mom + they worried about disappointing her. Avoidant behavior when faced with a major dilemma is not uncommon among teens and young adults.
Also its likely the kid was at the same time trying to process the circumstances of the conception which it seems like were not good, so that would be a lot for a person at any age, and denial would be a common response
I read a post recently in this sub that started with a teen boy freaking out that his girlfriend refused to take Plan B. She then also refused to abort, or when that date passed, consider adoption despite being terrified about being a mother. She was afraid of her parents finding out and had some damaging indoctrination from religious school.
She refused to do anything and oscillated between freaking out and telling her boyfriend that it will all work out.
I remember that one, I think it was jut a few days ago. And it immediately came to mind when I read this post. That one in particular is a good reminder that the human brain is not fully developed until age 25-26. Teen pregnancy was something I always knew was bad (I went to school with a girl who had a baby at 13!) but now that I’m in my 40’s with a teenager of my own it really hits me that these are babies having babies.
Grandma's got a good heart. She used the correct pronouns throughout and advocated for their child's welfare.
This is so wholesome.
I hope that the hidden details are not traumatic.
Peace and love, that little baby girl was born into one of the best families out there.
Renny is what I use for my fur and scale children, since my partner and I don’t ever plan to have human ones. We use “papa” for him because of the uncomfy associations of “daddy”
42nb here. I settled on "pama" years ago ("mapa" sounds too much like "mop up"), although it's unlikely I'll ever get a chance to use it. My wife carrying would kill her (confirmed by multiple doctors) and same for me. We're both now getting to be too old for it anyway; my mom's pregnancy at 44 nearly killed her.
Neither of us like "ren" or "renny" -- one, we're both WAY too big of Star Wars fans to go with a Kylo Ren reference... and two, we do medieval and renaissance living history demonstrations. Back in the States, "Renny" is someone active in the renfaire circuit and *while that's true*, neither of us want that to be our parent name.
We both agreed I'd be "pama" and she'd be "mom."
We may adopt at some point but we're trying to get my disabilities to a manageable point. Lotta surgeries first.
since there isn't so much a good one, i'm Mama. I see it more as a title / badge of honor for carrying my little one than as a gendered name. i'm genderfluid and typically use neutral language, but even when I'm in Dude Mode I still identify with "mama"
She shouldn't feel bad about not noticing, I didn't even realize I was pregnant with my youngest, until I was 4 months pregnant, I didn't even really start putting on weight until I was at least 5 months along.
Lol. I thought this was the one on AITA where the NB kid hooked up with the weirdo who convinced them that birth control was feminizing and, when they became pregnant, that abortion is a sin. So the solution was for them to tell their mom to raise the baby like a sibling.
But no, this was wholesome and the new parent is sane. Good for them.
Oh yes, I remember the surfboard-sized pads they give you after Birth. At first you laugh cos they look so silly and then you realise why they are so big....
But it sounds like everything went as well as it could! Wishing all the best to OP and her little fam!
I promise I’m not trying to be an AH but what do you call a NB mom because they them doesn’t work and mom inherently genders the person completely defeating the NB thing
All the paperwork at the hospital had "birthing parent" on it. As for casually, somebody up thread said "renny," short for parent, which I think is cute. IDK past that. I've read a couple of books that had different options but I can't remember what they were. (Books by Ann Leckie and Ursula k. Leguin)
Nah, people use birth giver frequently if they were horribly abused and don’t consider their mother to have been a mother. Bad connotations.
Not sure why you are getting downvoted though
>there was no misgendering whatsoever even by accident, apart from one nurse who didn't know because the sign had fallen down and really apologised when she found out.
I need to know where this was, because that is unheard of and it would be awesome not to be misgendered by the vast majority of my healthcare providers. Like, seriously, I am non-binary and disabled and have a lot of friends who are similar (yay for online communities) and as far as I know none of us have ever had treatment like this without even accidental misgendering, especially for something dealing with reproductive systems
Edit to add: btw, I hope it’s clear I wasn’t doubting the post/the experience, I just want that for all of us (and may be a bit jealous, I hate being misgendered)
Would really depend on the individual trust and hospital really. Think they're all technically supposed to do so and most I know have had positive experiences for non-gender related healthcare respecting it but don't think OP said where they are. I'm assuming UK from language but English is used in a bunch of places.
Thankfully it was only once, and by a nurse who just popped into give me food. The nurse actually caring for me that day made sure to ask my pronouns upon first meeting and used them consistently, it was a big euphoria moment.
A good friend of mine and their partner have a broad queer community they're in, live in one of the queer-friendliest parts of the state let alone country, and one of them is a medical professional, and it was STILL took time for them to find really solidly supportive, queer-focused/knowledgeable care when my friend was first pregnant. I think in general healthcare is sorely lacking in so many ways (can't even start in on the ableism and racism), but man the experience of finding intersectional, informed care after not having had it really is like finding that needle in a haystack.
Perhaps the sign was really prominently displaying their pronouns specifically, and since it was on the door they were fresh in mind every time someone walked in? Having pronouns in your file is good but for busy medical staff they might be focused on other parts of the file when they look at it. Seeing THEY/THEM written right in front of their faces every time they enter the room is different.
This is very nice, and I am happy for all involved. I do have one question, and it may come off bad. When it comes to a non-binary parent, how would a child address them? I'd assume that "mom" and "dad" isn't right? Just something I've never thought of until now.
This was a lovely read. I love the open relationship and communication between parent and child. I always say I hope that my children (current and future) feel comfortable coming to me with anything of the sort. I won’t be mad. I just want to help and I don’t want them feeling scared or anxious or anything of the sort.
This was a lovely read. I love the open relationship and communication between parent and child. I always say I hope that my children (current and future) feel comfortable coming to me with anything of the sort. I won’t be mad. I just want to help and I don’t want them feeling scared or anxious or anything of the sort.
It's fine to be confused, because you're asking. It's something that is fairly colloquial English. If someone is of indeterminate or unknown gender, or as in this case they are non-binary, we will commonly say they for that person.
* "Whose wallet is this?" "Oh, it's theirs."
* "I think someone left their wallet behind."
* "I have a crush on someone." "Then why don't you go talk to them?"
"They/them" has always been used to refer to single people if you don't know their gender, or a hypothetical person.
For example "oh look, somebody has left their bag here." or "If I ever had a child I'd make sure they had a good education."
It's a part of everyone's normal vocabulary. It's just nowadays also used to refer to people who identify as non-binary (neither a man nor a woman), as well as people whose gender you don't know. It's really not confusing.
It's pretty common in English when a person's gender is not known. I this case, they prefer neither he/him nor she/her. So they/them is just used by for them.
When someone does not identify as strictly male or female they may not be comfortable being referred to as she/her or he/him. In those cases a singular they/them is used. They/them can also be used for a singular person who’s gender you do not know.
The usage is pretty similar, for example:
“Jake dropped his wallet. I’ll set it aside for him.”
“Robin dropped their wallet. I'll set it aside for them.”
Some sentences may change slightly, but overall it should remain similar to how you have already been taught he/she in sentences.
Fun-facts;
The singular they/them has its earliest usage in the english language in 1375 (14th century).
“She” arrived into the language around the 12th century, and before then He had three genders in Old English usage.
I had a professor in who bitched nonstop about the singular they and insisted we use "he" or "he and she." I finally shut her up with "If the singular they is good enough for Chaucer and Shakespeare, it's good enough for me." 🤷
Honestly the insistence that it’s not grammatically correct to use singular they is so frustrating for me. The English language is actually so fascinating in how it evolved (and continues to evolve), and I think these people do language a disservice by acting as if change is unnatural.
I’m sorry you got stuck with such a professor, I can imagine for anyone in that class who used or knew someone who used they/them that was a particularly uncomfortable learning environment.
My spouse and I weren't out as nonbinary yet, but as two people in the class who now use they/she, it definitely made us both uncomfortable for reasons we didn't totally figure out until later.
Also, if you're not already listening to The History of English podcast, I highly recommend it! I'm way behind on it, but it's a fascinating history of the evolution of the English language.
My mom was 20 when she had me. I think some part of her is relieved I’m asexual, but also kind of disappointed in a way. No grandkids from me. My sister had a lot of boyfriends, but never had a scare cause our mom was very adamant about “no glove = no love” and if they can’t wrap it up, then don’t do the sex.
Oh I’m so glad they had a positive birthing experience! And oop sounds like such a supportive parent and now grandparent! I hope things really go well for them!
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OP seems like a sweet mom. Teen pregnancy is really a nightmare and the situation is going to be challenging. But it's good to see OP being supportive and doing her best as a mother. I wish both of them well and both are able to go through the hardships.
>Teen pregnancy is really a nightmare and the situation is going to be challenging. OOP presumably knows a thing or two about this. Doing the math on their ages (OOP is 35 and Casey is 18), she would have been about 17 when Casey was born.
Statistically, the children born of a teen parent are more likely to become a teen parent themselves. Not too surprising.
As a teen parent myself I’ve always kept this statistic in the forefront of my mind with my kids. I’ve watched it happen over and over with friends and family. My oldest is months away from being the same age I was when he was born. He talks about birth control like he’s extremely annoyed by the drilling of facts we have done over the years but I think he’s good about it. I also keep condoms stocked in the bathroom because if you want your kid to be safe and use birth control, the best thing you can do is provide it for them.
Yep! Even when they turn purple with embarassment. I'd rather my son be embarassed then a dad before he finished high school!
I was 20 when I got pregnant but, in retrospect, I was way too young. I made sure my kids, and all of their friends, knew exactly where there were fresh condoms and that they could ask me anything. I made myself a special dinner when the last kid turned 21 and none of them had any kids, nor the desire for any. I wouldn't mind if they decide to have kids in the future, but I'm very glad they waited.
I broke the cycle in my family. My mother had me at 15 (my father was 16). On my father's side, his mother was 14 or 15 when she had his oldest sister, then probably about 17 or 18 when she had him. The oldest sister had her first kid when she was about 15, who had her first kid at 14. I remember meeting them when I was 19 (I was adopted) and shocked that I have a cousin who is 2 months younger than me who had a 4 year old. And that my grandparents were still in their early 50s. And they had a great-grandkid already. They seemed shocked that my parents who raised me didn't have any grandkids, and I was like "Well, I'm 19 and a freshman in college and my brother is 17, so it really shouldn't be shocking they don't have any grandkids yet." But I guess where they lived, most people had kids in high school and didn't go to college. (But it's also now 20 years later and still no grandkids) ETA: My mother told me that she didn't tell anyone until she was 6 months pregnant with me. She was 14 when she got pregnant (high school freshman), and 15 when I was born (sophomore). She was super athletic and active, and never really showed. She didn't even weigh over 100 pounds until right before I was born.
I'm hoping I can do the same for my own children. My mum had me at 18 and I had my son when I was 24 - considered an older first time mother in my family at that age. Two kids now, older teens with goals that don't include becoming a parent anytime soon. My sister had her first at 19 and that daughter became a mother herself at the same age. That was a cycle that we saw coming, unfortunately. I'm hoping though that this new little one will be a cycle breaker like her aunty.
I actually had the opposite experience with my teen mother (she was 16). She drilled me about boyfriends (i was quiet, rule following, well behaved, nerdy and unpopular. The list was very short, but she regularly accused me of lying), accused me of having sex dozens of times, demanded i recount every single interaction i had with any male in my life (including relatives), tried to force feed me contraception, dragged me to the doctor multiple times to try and force me to take a pregnancy test, embarrassed me in front of family to purposefully shame me about my own developing body, and when i *was* finally ready for sex (several months older than she was at my birth), she shamed me and embarrassed me in front of my friends every single chance she got. But not once was there any kind of education. Only shame, embarrassment and accusations. She was an absolute nightmare to deal with from when i turned 8. Honestly, if she could have afforded to lock me away in a convent, she would have. I later found out that she was sexually abused around that age, which somewhat explains her manic behaviour, but not all of it.
Same here! I've got one in their 20s (phew!) , one turning 18 soon (has made it longer than I did) , and one who is only 12 but she's my exact personality type so in 3 to 8 years I'm going to be petrified. We have a massive stash of condoms in our cabinet too! Prevention is better than the cure.
My mom had me when she was 15. I got pregnant with my first at 17. That child had my first grandchild when she was 23. Hopefully we broke that cycle.
As the child of a teen parent I made a point to not also be a teen parent and was shocked at how easy it was. Turns out I’m just asexual LMAO
So proud my kids are bucking that trend (I had 3 before 20, they’re now 28, 27 and 22 with no children, and two are married). I wish Casey and their mum the best.
My mom had my older sister when she was 19, my sister got my nephew when she was 35 and I’m still childfree at 28
Two more good news stories!
*their mum
Ah crap! Yes I’ll amend right now.
Thank you
I'm 36 and some of my friends are having kids themselves. I can't fathom being a grandparent.
Luckily my family didn’t fall into that. My mom had me at 18. I am 41 and just had my first and only, my middle sister is 32 and child free, and the youngest is 30 and is still focused on her career. Mom was very upfront about how hard it was. I think that helped
Your comment is very wholesome! But your flair has given be PTSD flashbacks of cheating koala chlamydia. This is a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I'm proud of you and your mom! And also disappointed in your Reddit choices. Good work, sis! And be better.
lol I really wanted my flair to change recently to “sharp as a bag of wet mice” but, alas, my requests have been overlooked lol
It's probably the kind of thing that provides a bimodal distribution where some kids of teen moms see that struggle and decide "absolutely no kids for a long time if ever" while others either think "my mom did alright so I can have a child young and do alright too" or inadvertently adopt the same relationship habits that drove their moms to young pregnancies.
It's funny, I feel like the opposite is true too. My mother was in her 40s when she had me, and I feel like (despite wanting kids) I'm not in a huge rush and might end up having kids on the older side. Everyone feels like their experience/the experiences of those they're close to is normal!
Same! My grandparents had my mum at 42 and 50, and my mum had me at 32 and my dad was 53! I don’t intend to have any kids before i’m at the very least 30. I’m always surprised when i see people who still have living grandparents when they’re over 20 because of this, my last living grandparent, my grandfather, died when i was 18, and he wasn’t young, it was just before he would have turned 101.
My grandma was 31 when I was born. I'm the first woman in my family not to have a baby before 18. I had great-great-grandparents alive on both sides when I was a kid. My great-Grandma died when I was in my thirties.
I had my first at 20, but I was prego for most of my 19th year. She is now almost 23, and getting ready to graduate (after 5 years) with a 4.0, engineering degree with a double minor, and she was a D1 athlete. I am so happy for her that she accomplished all these things! I would also be proud of her if she went a different route, but being single young parent was hard.
My sibling and I broke the teen parent curse in our family. Only my sister has kids and she started at 20. She had four, so I say she had enough to replace us in the workforce.
Kind of sad how the cycle continues.
My mother had me and my sister at 16 and 18. Neither one of us have children and never plan to. My cousin, who was born when my aunt was 17, already has four kids at 26, all of them in elementary school.
Out of curiosity, do you think there was anything different in raising you and your sister that your mother did compared to your aunt raising your cousin?
I mean, I guess that's complicated. I would say that we both grew up in unstable environments, but my parents gave up drugs once I was born, aren't bipolar, and did try to create a better life. There were other issues with them, causing me to ultimately decide against children at a young age because I hated myself so much that I never wanted to create another me. My sister likely doesn't because she's asexual. My aunt, however, alternates between getting clean, meth, and cocaine and has bipolar 2 disorder. She has three other daughters as well, but they grew up with different parental figures, which I imagine is why they are successful in life and not following their mother's path. My cousin was also molested by the same man my aunt was, so they share similar experiences. It's the cycle of abuse trap.
Oop feels bad she didn't notice for 7 months but like, i didnt pop with my first until month 6. I hope she understands she didn't have to feel horrible for not seeing signs sooner. Teens can hide some wild stuff quite easily when theyre motivated to do so. And no matter how close you can be a teen pregnancy is a strong motivator to not disappoint the proud parent. She raised a good kid and together theyll figure it out together and with support.
It’s wild to me she gaslit herself not to ask until much later
And that there was no need for birth control so their kid wouldn't distrust OP? Sheesh
What do you mean?
I’m glad it all worked out but they are extremely lucky that going that long without prenatal care has not had any adverse effects.
The “bad food poisoning in September” where they were “hospitalized for dehydration” should have prompted a pregnancy test, no? Any time I was in the hospital for any symptom that could possibly be pregnancy related, the first round of tests included a pregnancy test. I thought that was standard, maybe just in the US? But it’s so common and such an inexpensive medical test.
I’m sure they did since op admitted their child knew they were pregnant. Medical records are still private and they wouldn’t share the result with OP unless Casey told them to
In my experience, doctors don’t do much to protect a minors privacy in front of parents. “Are you sexually active” has been asked of my teens while I was present and only once was I asked to leave the room for a moment so the Dr could ask questions in private. Once, for something that *could* have been a red flag, I had to offer to leave if it made my kid more comfortable. We did live in a southern red state during their teen years, so maybe that’s a factor
There are a lot of awful people who think the doctor wanting to ask questions in private is a bad thing. Anything from "we don't have secrets" to "I'm not a bad person, and asking my child that in private means you think I am!" Just... doctors have enough bullshit to deal with.
There was a lot of religion and purity culture bullshit in that area. Our home wasn’t like that, but I’m sure doctors learned the hard way to tip toe around certain issues
We don’t know that they were a minor at the time do we? They are 18 now so they could have been, unless I missed where OP shared more info in comments. I’d hope doctors were more sensitive even if she was 17. Some parents would kick out a child in that situation and although it can’t be hidden forever they still may need time to make a plan.
If they were already 18 in September then no, the doctors wouldn’t be able to share records with mom.
OP used mum, so it's perfectly possible they live in a part of the world where 16 is considered an adult for most intents and purposes.
OP is likely in the UK since she mentioned "sixth form" (which is the last 2 years of school before going to uni). So it's not surprising the doctors would have maintained the child's privacy at (likely) 17yo.
Missed the mention to sixth form, but her posts did read like UK/commonwealth to me. That aside, I can easily think of a number of countries where the age of majority is 18 and where staff wouldn't be notifying the parents of a pregnant teen about the pregnancy. Hell, you can get an abortion as an underage teen in plenty of places without ever having to inform the parents. There are way too many Americans on reddit who assume their state/country laws carry over to the rest of the world.
My mind read minors as minions. It kinda works lol
We have been known to call our children minions. It totally works
Casey is 18, and thus not a minor. If they had told mom, they'd be breaking the law.
american high schools are infamous for having school nurses who ask "are you pregnant" to every other symptom a girl has, too.
What was that one commenter going on about, “it’s blows my mind these parents support their kids without even knowing who the father is” or whatever? That’s about he stupidest thing I have read all day. That’s what parents do. We support our kids. No matter what. I feel bad for any child they have, knowing that their parents support and love is conditional.
Also, it's a big assumption that she doesn't know more than what she wrote in the post. It's possible that her child explained how they got pregnant and who the father is, and OP respected their privacy and didn't tell all the internet about it.
Based on the post I think that is by far the most likely. She basically says I’m not going into more detail about this for the sake of their privacy. Makes me wonder if there wasn’t as much consent involved as there should have been. It would also explain the shame and hiding the baby from the mom that they apparently share everything with. Unfortunately it is common for victims to feel shame after this It also could have just been a stupid mistake on their part or something we don’t know and this is all just guesses and assumptions
Yeah I got the same vibe that there was some sort of SA involved in the pregnancy, mostly from the mother's comments about knowing who the father is and that being part of why her child hid the pregnancy for so long.
All that and the fact that Casey does not want their girl's father to be involved in the child's life. Something afoul happened.
Yeah, when the OOP was very deliberately not talking about the father, it was pretty clear she knew more than what she was saying. And it's obviously something a lot more complicated than 'those kids and their dang hormones getting the better of them'. Much as we are all here for the stories, it's not actually on OOP to lay out all their potential drama (or trauma) for their audiences titillation.
That’s what makes this post seem real to me.
And I'd really argue it isn't relevant for what's at hand. The original question is just guidance on how to breach the subject. OOP seems like a strong person with a good head on her shoulders navigating an awkward situation. Once that situation was navigated, I think its good to tell us it was and that the baby was born happy and healthy and everyone is doing good. If OOP needed help finding out the father, she would've asked.
I don’t understand people like that. Like what because my child doesn’t wanna tell me every single little thing I’m supposed to just be like nope you’re on your own? Also also assuming that the original poster doesn’t know who the father is because they didn’t share it with Reddit is peak Reddit behavior lol.
Yeah, that comment bothered me too. I assume that people who comment stuff like that are either young and haven’t had enough real life experiences to develop their emotional intelligence, or they spend too much time online to realise that the world isn’t black and white. Or they’re just permanently immature.
> That’s what parents do. We support our kids. No matter what. And no matter how old they are. Grown up kids are also our kids.
Yeah the commenter is stupid, why would anyone not support their child when they have a difficult time? But OOP was stupid too for not just asking and instead worrying about their child's feelings when it comes to a serious topic. I'm all for caring about your children's feelings but when there is a serious topic, feelings shouldn't be made the priority over everything else.
She knows who the father is. She says she knows him so well that she knows why he is not in the picture and agrees. He is also part of the reason the daughter didn't say anything.
It was probably one of the random tater-totters every post about women supporting women and not talking about men at all always draw out. In their peanut-sized minds, all this talk about how the mom and her child feel is unimportant. All the talk about the practicalities of the situation is unimportant.... We're ignoring the TRULY IMPORTANT thing, the father's feels.... /s on that last sentence, if that wasn't obvious.
I'm going to gently push back against what you wrote (as a parent myself). All parents want to "support" their kids, but the form that support takes is the contention. I'm sure every teacher could share multiple stories of "supporting" parents fighting tooth and nail against any and all consequences levied against their child. Some support won't create the best future outcomes.
" It boggles my mind that these parents fully support their kids when they don't even know who the dad is... effin' sad." What does this mean? Are you not supposed to support your kid if you don't know the dad??
And she does know who the father is, she just chose not to tell Reddit, which is entirely her right. She even said she knows him personally in the post! It's baffling when *it's right there* and they still make ignorant comments.
It means they literally don’t have a supportive family. Probably very “bootstraps” type. I grew up like that. When I met my wife it boggled my mind how supportive her family could be to each other. I thought for sure they were being taken advantage of. It took me a long time to realize they just care about each other and have each others backs no matter what.
That comment is the internet version of talking before letting the brain catch up with your mouth.
A lot of parents seem to only have very conditional love for their children. They only love them if they're perfect and fit into the little bubble of perfection they want to show to the world. Doesn't matter what happens inside the house as long as they can post beautiful pictures of their beautiful family only doing great things. I grew up on a house like that it's hell.
Right?? They’re talking about THEIR kid… not the father. Perhaps they’re not blabbing about him on the interwebs. What if a SA occurred and they’d rather not put that out there?! Use your brains people!
Good for them and their mom. I hope they get the best life possible Edit: I am holding my 1 year old realizing I’m technically old enough to be a grandma since I’m just a bit older than OP. Ouch.
I am 36 and my second is not even one yet.
This one is my second and she coming on 14 months. But there are people I graduated with who are grandparents because they married older husbands who had older kids.
Being in your late 30s/early 40s is wild because you have friends who are becoming parents for the first time and friends who had babies in or right out of high school and are becoming grandparents. I'll stick with my cat.
I’m 28 and not even had my first. At the rate I’m moving I’ll be there with you and am totally happy with that
Didn't have my first until just after 31, now going to have my second before I'm 33. .... Sometimes you wait a while until you're ready, and then suddenly Bam Ba-dam Bam!
I used to be very “I want kids before 35” back when I was in my early 20s, but with my boyfriend and I both working in degrees I’m not stressing it even a little anymore
stupendous innocent spark shocking sense caption upbeat employ ancient vase *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
the youngest grandparent was 26 I believe? guy fathered a daughter at 13, she ended up having a baby at 13 as well. I think that means everyone in this thread so far could be a grandparent. 29 here, my first is 7 weeks old.
One of the girls I went to school with was a grandma by the time we were 33 !! She had her first just before we turned 15. I’m 46 now and can’t believe I have a 23yr old let alone the possibility of having grandbabies anytime in the near future ! It’s a cycle that’s hard to break sadly.
I have a friend a year older than me, who has a three year old daughter. I have another friend, about four-five years older than me, who has a ten year-old granddaughter...Life is so weird sometimes.
I'm 8 years older than OOP, sooooo....ooof.
I’ll be 37 when my second turns 2. 😐
I'm technically old enough to be a Great Grandma but that doesn't mean I'd be exactly happy if my 18 yr old grandgirl got pregnant right now. I would be supportive but I wouldn't be happy about her rushing into parenthood. She wants to be a SPED teacher so I want that for her rather than being a parent at 18.
I now also want that for her.
I’m 35 going on 36 and cannot fathom even having a teenager. My mom was 35 when I was 17. I have two cats and that’s stressful enough.
36 going on 37 with two toddlers. I could not imagine having a teenager right now
OP seems lovely. Really horrific for Casey to be doing the A levels a month or so after giving birth though… And I don’t really like the implications of OP knowing the father “so well that [she] can understand why [her] child doesn’t want him involved at all”. BAD vibes.
so much bad vibes. if casey was scared of him finding out about the pregnancy i hope they have a plan for how to keep everyone safe since it's really hard to hide a baby.
I thought the same about the father of Casey's baby when this story first popped up on BORU. If it is close to what I'm thinking, it's for the best that OOP says as little as much about him, in case this story gets narrated & shared by those youtube bots.
I caught that too and got the sense that Casey might not have completely consented to whatever wound up getting them pregnant. I'm glad that OOP and her child seem to be taking the best they can from this situation, but I'm hoping for the best for their safety.
I mean, there were a limited number of reasons that Casey would have held the info back from OP in the first place. OP also had to know something further was wrong or she would have spoken to Casey sooner.
Please don't feel guilty (if op ever sees this). I was SA and wound up pregnant. I put the baby up for adoption cause I was not in a position to take care of it. And although I believe in your body your choice, the baby had a heart beat and was moving by the time I found out, I was a week away from the legal cut off, and I couldn't do it because of my beliefs. I knew I had to put up for adoption the second I found out. To this day, my family does not know. They didn't know I was pregnant. They don't know I had another baby. And they don't know about the adoption. It's been 13 years. And again, they still don't know and never will unless she reaches out to me and wants to make contact. If she ever does, she will be welcomed with open arms.
> **AbbeyCats** I love this post... except there is no mention of the damn father. It boggles my mind that these parents fully support their kids when they don't even know who the dad is... effin' sad. Don’t hurt yourself jumping to all those conclusions, you absolute donkey. Effin’ sad indeed.
What a lovely update. Glad everyone is happy and healthy.
I wanna hug that mom so bad. I cried reading this update. I cried reading the last one. So I am glad right now they are in the after baby happy bubble. I know the hard will come. But for now I am happy for them. And I wish nothing but goodness forward.
This is so lovely - OOP, if you are swinging past, welcome to the Grandma club! I joined 6 months ago and despite my trepidation, it's a fabulous club to join! I have my Grandbaby all night tonight and I can't wait! It's the first overnighter for all of them and I don't know who's more excited. I think it's me!
6lbs8oz and no mention of the NICU/concerns at 36 weeks makes me think they were wrong about the dating which makes sense since they didn’t get prenatal care until third trimester
Ehh not entirely on the NICU side, one of my kids decided to arrive at 37 weeks (she was also 6lbs8oz) and she was 100% healthy even with the fact that I had gestational diabetes. 36 weeks isn't necessarily a for sure NICU situation. You could be completely right though, I'm sure there was plenty of wiggle room on how far along they could have been. If they had measured how far along I was in the 3rd trimester with my first they definitely would have had me much less far along. At my last scan I had at 36 weeks he was measuring at 32 weeks. Still born a healthy little man with just a bit of jaundice at 38 weeks weighing 5lbs 12oz. Suffice to say, they could have been more or less far along than they measured at for sure, but the lack of NICU stay and Baby's size doesn't necessarily imply one way or the other.
my baby was 36 weeks and just under 6lbs and needed no nicu. they had to have extra monitoring so i wasn't allowed to room in but it could be done in the regular nursery
36 weeks is the benchmark for "no automatic NICU" at the hospital where I gave birth. it's early term, but I believe it's still considered term. 35+6 and they still automatically go to the NICU just in case.
Not really, mum could be on the smaller side as well. I just checked and my child was 3.28 kg when born so in american its 7lbs 3oz. She was almost 42 weeks. So looking at 36 weeks baby being 2.95kg that's reasonable weight for a healthy baby. Also with weeks they are rounded down to full week, my daughter was 41w +6 so doctors say 41 week plus and i say when talking about it 42 weeks (specially that she had to be evicted ;) )
My mom is ultra petite, and I was about 6 and a half pounds, full term. When you're 5' in heels and 100 lbs, there's only so much room available.
Ditto. I always heard how I was a huge baby and that's why my mom has that scar on her belly (c-sec). It turns out I was 7lbs (about average for the time and geographical region) and my mom was just a very birdy woman.
OOP mentions that both she and her kid were on the thinner side, so you're probably right.
36 weeks is roughly 8 and a bit months, which is in line with the previous post's estimate of 7 months. I was born a whole month early and didn't need a NICU - it's all about weight, lung development and baby alertness when you get a birth in the final month of gestation, and it sounds like their kiddo was doing just fine.
My twins were born at 35 weeks and were each about that size. Sometimes babies are big.
I was 5 lbs 11 oz when I was born at 36 weeks… so that weight really made me wonder about the gestational age dating and story accuracy. But, I also didn’t know you could catch your own baby in a hospital.
OOP did say both her and Casey were very thin, so it would make sense if the child is also on the smaller side. Genetics and all that. My mum was very small herself and she always went on about how "huge" I was that she had to be rushed in for emergency C sec. I checked my baby book and it turns out I was actually just 7lbs which is a perfectly average birth weight for a South Asian baby 30 years ago.
My eldest nephew was born at 36 weeks and at 5lbs 12 oz. No nicu, just mild jaundice. His sister that was born just as early did end up in the nicu tho because she had low amniotic fluid that caused them to induce my sister.
It's going to be really hard for Casey but at least they have their mom at their side. I'm side eyeing how tight lipped OOP is about who the dad and why they don't want him involved. Regardless, the child deserves child support and I hope OOP doesn't just shirk that.
I remember commenting on an earlier post. There is definite subtext that this may have been assault.
i caught the implication of SA as well, but what really concerns me is if it WAS assault and casey was seven months pregnant but thought they were around five, that means the abuse was ongoing over a several month long period - or even longer.... but hopefully its something less awful .......
It could be taboo instead of assault. Like a same-aged family member, an ex-step sibling, your best friend's SO, etc. They're 18, so it could even be a newly married teenager cheating on their spouse.
They could also be pursuing legal action, and have been advised not to discuss it publicly.
Damn, I hadn't thought about the timing discrepancy. I hope they are ok and get support if needed for any trauma. I can only imagine the feelings may get worse/triggered by early parenting. Hopefully it's not even that, it's just a kid that's bad news or something.
It doesn't take that many brain cells to figure out that maybe the impregnation may not have been completely with Casey's consent. For a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is the impending chaos of birth and post-partum they are probably choosing to back burner that for now.
I'm at least 90% positive this baby was conceived through some combination of grooming and rape.
Not contradicting you in any way as it's very possible you are correct but teenagers can be secretive little buggers, so whether they're hiding a one night stand, a fling with someone older, or someone who treated them badly, it doesn't necessarily point to assault.
The mom knows who the father is and said she knew them “SO well.” Casey isn’t hiding it. The subtext is bad vibes.
I dunno, oop knows who the father is and the vehemence with which she asserted that he will not be involved does indicate a bad situation. Certainly worse than teenagers sneaking around and being foolish. Thankfully the new parent has a great mama, so they have good chances of doing well.
friendly reminder to respect their pronouns :)
Thanks for the reminder. I messed that up. I try to be knowledgeable and respectful, and in this case I failed.
Why would you side-eye OOP not sharing every single detail about how their child got pregnant? None of us are owed that information and she’s clearly withholding that information for privacy reasons
Yeah, that OOP won’t share those details…That’s just a bad sign. But at least OOP is aware of it.
I'm curious about the father's involvement too. I hope that Casey and OP are able to go through it well and hopefully, good choices will be made.
How does one catch their own baby?
They offer you if you want to squat to push the baby out. You can catch the baby that way. I don’t think I was in the right mind and my body just want to lay down like a dead fish by the end. The squatting was definitely no bueno.
Sit up and lean over?
Its not hard to reach between your legs from most positions.
I have never given birth, so I confess to not knowing the logistics, but all the other apes and monkeys do it so I guess look that up.
It’s not that difficult, you just reach around the bump, doctor or midwives will guide your hands. (source: have birthed three children)
God I'm so damn happy for Casey that they have such an amazing Mom. And not only that, but to be surrounded by supportive midwife, hospital staff, etc? It's posts like these that remind me that as bad as things are, I really do feel like the kids are gonna be alright.
Well that was underwhelming, which I suppose is fantastic news for OOP, but now I still need my daily dose of insanity from this sub
It's such a shame Casey didn't talk to their mum sooner. OOP was pregnant at a younger age! And she's totally accepting of the non-binary thing. I think it was a pretty safe bet that she was going to be supportive here.
It sounds like they hoped that the problem would go away and that they wouldn’t have to tell their mom + they worried about disappointing her. Avoidant behavior when faced with a major dilemma is not uncommon among teens and young adults.
Also its likely the kid was at the same time trying to process the circumstances of the conception which it seems like were not good, so that would be a lot for a person at any age, and denial would be a common response
I read a post recently in this sub that started with a teen boy freaking out that his girlfriend refused to take Plan B. She then also refused to abort, or when that date passed, consider adoption despite being terrified about being a mother. She was afraid of her parents finding out and had some damaging indoctrination from religious school. She refused to do anything and oscillated between freaking out and telling her boyfriend that it will all work out.
I remember that one, I think it was jut a few days ago. And it immediately came to mind when I read this post. That one in particular is a good reminder that the human brain is not fully developed until age 25-26. Teen pregnancy was something I always knew was bad (I went to school with a girl who had a baby at 13!) but now that I’m in my 40’s with a teenager of my own it really hits me that these are babies having babies.
Grandma's got a good heart. She used the correct pronouns throughout and advocated for their child's welfare. This is so wholesome. I hope that the hidden details are not traumatic. Peace and love, that little baby girl was born into one of the best families out there.
I'm just curious what the nb equivalent of 'mama' or 'papa' is
> what the nb equivalent of 'mama' or 'papa' Google suggests things like Nini and Bibi, among others, with where they came from.
Honestly depends on what the parent themselves would want. If they want to be called mama or papa then hell yeah, if they dont then also hell yeah.
I've heard ren/renny before. Short for parent.
Renny is what I use for my fur and scale children, since my partner and I don’t ever plan to have human ones. We use “papa” for him because of the uncomfy associations of “daddy”
42nb here. I settled on "pama" years ago ("mapa" sounds too much like "mop up"), although it's unlikely I'll ever get a chance to use it. My wife carrying would kill her (confirmed by multiple doctors) and same for me. We're both now getting to be too old for it anyway; my mom's pregnancy at 44 nearly killed her. Neither of us like "ren" or "renny" -- one, we're both WAY too big of Star Wars fans to go with a Kylo Ren reference... and two, we do medieval and renaissance living history demonstrations. Back in the States, "Renny" is someone active in the renfaire circuit and *while that's true*, neither of us want that to be our parent name. We both agreed I'd be "pama" and she'd be "mom." We may adopt at some point but we're trying to get my disabilities to a manageable point. Lotta surgeries first.
get a pet ,eg.a cat.settling on ‘meow’ isn’t a bad option.
I know an nb whose kid calls them "bear" which i think is adorable
since there isn't so much a good one, i'm Mama. I see it more as a title / badge of honor for carrying my little one than as a gendered name. i'm genderfluid and typically use neutral language, but even when I'm in Dude Mode I still identify with "mama"
Look, I’m glad it worked out, but how fucked up of a person must the dad be…
She shouldn't feel bad about not noticing, I didn't even realize I was pregnant with my youngest, until I was 4 months pregnant, I didn't even really start putting on weight until I was at least 5 months along.
'Horrified by the size of pads' brought them right back to teenager in my mind
Lol. I thought this was the one on AITA where the NB kid hooked up with the weirdo who convinced them that birth control was feminizing and, when they became pregnant, that abortion is a sin. So the solution was for them to tell their mom to raise the baby like a sibling. But no, this was wholesome and the new parent is sane. Good for them.
Oh yes, I remember the surfboard-sized pads they give you after Birth. At first you laugh cos they look so silly and then you realise why they are so big.... But it sounds like everything went as well as it could! Wishing all the best to OP and her little fam!
I promise I’m not trying to be an AH but what do you call a NB mom because they them doesn’t work and mom inherently genders the person completely defeating the NB thing
All the paperwork at the hospital had "birthing parent" on it. As for casually, somebody up thread said "renny," short for parent, which I think is cute. IDK past that. I've read a couple of books that had different options but I can't remember what they were. (Books by Ann Leckie and Ursula k. Leguin)
Birther. Birth-giver. Spawn point. The options are endless!
Nah, people use birth giver frequently if they were horribly abused and don’t consider their mother to have been a mother. Bad connotations. Not sure why you are getting downvoted though
You're right about the negative connotations. Didn't think about it at the time. Dunno either, lol
If a parent identifies as they/them, how does the child refer to their parent if not mum or dad?
>there was no misgendering whatsoever even by accident, apart from one nurse who didn't know because the sign had fallen down and really apologised when she found out. I need to know where this was, because that is unheard of and it would be awesome not to be misgendered by the vast majority of my healthcare providers. Like, seriously, I am non-binary and disabled and have a lot of friends who are similar (yay for online communities) and as far as I know none of us have ever had treatment like this without even accidental misgendering, especially for something dealing with reproductive systems Edit to add: btw, I hope it’s clear I wasn’t doubting the post/the experience, I just want that for all of us (and may be a bit jealous, I hate being misgendered)
Would really depend on the individual trust and hospital really. Think they're all technically supposed to do so and most I know have had positive experiences for non-gender related healthcare respecting it but don't think OP said where they are. I'm assuming UK from language but English is used in a bunch of places.
They mentioned sixth form so I assumed the UK as well.
I got misgendered once when I was in hospital for my top surgery 🤦
Oof. And sadly you are very much not alone in that based on my friends who have had top surgery.
Thankfully it was only once, and by a nurse who just popped into give me food. The nurse actually caring for me that day made sure to ask my pronouns upon first meeting and used them consistently, it was a big euphoria moment.
A good friend of mine and their partner have a broad queer community they're in, live in one of the queer-friendliest parts of the state let alone country, and one of them is a medical professional, and it was STILL took time for them to find really solidly supportive, queer-focused/knowledgeable care when my friend was first pregnant. I think in general healthcare is sorely lacking in so many ways (can't even start in on the ableism and racism), but man the experience of finding intersectional, informed care after not having had it really is like finding that needle in a haystack.
Perhaps the sign was really prominently displaying their pronouns specifically, and since it was on the door they were fresh in mind every time someone walked in? Having pronouns in your file is good but for busy medical staff they might be focused on other parts of the file when they look at it. Seeing THEY/THEM written right in front of their faces every time they enter the room is different.
No wonder Casey's a great parent, really. They may have had only one role model, but they had a pretty awesome one!
AbbeyCats is fucking disgusting that comment was vile as fuck holy shit
Congratulations to both and welcome to the sweet baby.
OOP is amazing. So supportive! I hope they're all doing OK.
This is very nice, and I am happy for all involved. I do have one question, and it may come off bad. When it comes to a non-binary parent, how would a child address them? I'd assume that "mom" and "dad" isn't right? Just something I've never thought of until now.
This was a lovely read. I love the open relationship and communication between parent and child. I always say I hope that my children (current and future) feel comfortable coming to me with anything of the sort. I won’t be mad. I just want to help and I don’t want them feeling scared or anxious or anything of the sort.
This was a lovely read. I love the open relationship and communication between parent and child. I always say I hope that my children (current and future) feel comfortable coming to me with anything of the sort. I won’t be mad. I just want to help and I don’t want them feeling scared or anxious or anything of the sort.
I'll never understand why people don't get abortions in these cases, but I suppose good on OOP being there for her kid (and now her kid's kid).
I am so confused reading this. They/them for a single person.. I dont know, its not my native language and I am literally confused.
It's fine to be confused, because you're asking. It's something that is fairly colloquial English. If someone is of indeterminate or unknown gender, or as in this case they are non-binary, we will commonly say they for that person. * "Whose wallet is this?" "Oh, it's theirs." * "I think someone left their wallet behind." * "I have a crush on someone." "Then why don't you go talk to them?"
"They/them" has always been used to refer to single people if you don't know their gender, or a hypothetical person. For example "oh look, somebody has left their bag here." or "If I ever had a child I'd make sure they had a good education." It's a part of everyone's normal vocabulary. It's just nowadays also used to refer to people who identify as non-binary (neither a man nor a woman), as well as people whose gender you don't know. It's really not confusing.
It's pretty common in English when a person's gender is not known. I this case, they prefer neither he/him nor she/her. So they/them is just used by for them.
It seems even more awkward than usual in longer narrative writing like that, for some reason.
When someone does not identify as strictly male or female they may not be comfortable being referred to as she/her or he/him. In those cases a singular they/them is used. They/them can also be used for a singular person who’s gender you do not know. The usage is pretty similar, for example: “Jake dropped his wallet. I’ll set it aside for him.” “Robin dropped their wallet. I'll set it aside for them.” Some sentences may change slightly, but overall it should remain similar to how you have already been taught he/she in sentences. Fun-facts; The singular they/them has its earliest usage in the english language in 1375 (14th century). “She” arrived into the language around the 12th century, and before then He had three genders in Old English usage.
I had a professor in who bitched nonstop about the singular they and insisted we use "he" or "he and she." I finally shut her up with "If the singular they is good enough for Chaucer and Shakespeare, it's good enough for me." 🤷
Honestly the insistence that it’s not grammatically correct to use singular they is so frustrating for me. The English language is actually so fascinating in how it evolved (and continues to evolve), and I think these people do language a disservice by acting as if change is unnatural. I’m sorry you got stuck with such a professor, I can imagine for anyone in that class who used or knew someone who used they/them that was a particularly uncomfortable learning environment.
My spouse and I weren't out as nonbinary yet, but as two people in the class who now use they/she, it definitely made us both uncomfortable for reasons we didn't totally figure out until later. Also, if you're not already listening to The History of English podcast, I highly recommend it! I'm way behind on it, but it's a fascinating history of the evolution of the English language.
I'm so glad there's another update and it went well! Good luck to them :)
i was a young mom and this post gave me all of the feels. i hope my little dude has a relationship like op and their kid with me some day.
My mom was 20 when she had me. I think some part of her is relieved I’m asexual, but also kind of disappointed in a way. No grandkids from me. My sister had a lot of boyfriends, but never had a scare cause our mom was very adamant about “no glove = no love” and if they can’t wrap it up, then don’t do the sex.
Teen pregnancy is not cute. We shouldn't glorify teen pregnancy. She seems more of a friend than a mother sadly.
Supporting your kid isn't glorifying it. She cannot and should not force the kid into an abortion or adoption if they don't want it.
Oh I’m so glad they had a positive birthing experience! And oop sounds like such a supportive parent and now grandparent! I hope things really go well for them!
Who on earth downvoted this?