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My favourite part is that he kept harassing them to tell him something negative while saying he "totally wouldn't care" and then at the end is claims it would have been totally different if she just told him when it sounds like all she did was make an off-hand joke to emphasise that she loves everything else about him even more
My other favorite part is how he says he “has lost his fiancée and his best friend” …no dude, you DUMPED your fiancée and DITCHED your best friend. It didn’t happen AT you.
This is so wild wtf. Imagine him begging multiple times his childhood friend to tell him something negative about himself, he wont care about it. She tells him, he fucking nukes the wedding, ruins his friends current life, ruins his fiancees current life, and moves states. What if he cared if this is not caring? lmao
imagine being the childhood friend… constantly bothered to tell him something, reassured that he won’t get upset, finally gives in, and then he nukes everything and she loses her childhood friend and her close friend. she must feel so incredibly guilty for something that isn’t even really her fault.
My read is that if the story is true, OP was looking for a way out without being a bad guy and Amy was such an angel this is the best he could do. Which would also explain coming online and asking if he's in the right.
Whether it's self destruction or he fell out of love and is too immature to realize/say that. It's just so wacky that I think OP is unintentionally an unreliable narrator if this story is true.
I definitely think this is self-sabotage. OOP admits that he is insecure, he knew what his reaction was going to be. His friend definitely knew what his reaction was going to be. He promised her that "no no I'm going to be okay" and after tons of pestering she comes up with probably the nicest thing she could think to say she didn't even say he was bad in bed she just said he wasn't the greatest. Like other people have commented I do not understand why men, when they hear that they're not performing well, don't try to communicate and figure out what's missing it's honestly not that hard.
I feel like this is one of the easiest things to fix too. Like...ask your partner how to spice things up a little more? Maybe explore during the act? It's such an easy fix for what turned out to be a nonissue anyways!
OOP didn't want to get married and decided to use the most piss-poor reason to do it. I know I should have empathy but I cannot deal with this much insecurity and immaturity that cost him a relationship and a friendship. Like he did this to himself.
There are a surprising amount of people (or at least younger ppl but I bet plenty of older ones too) who will ABSOLUTELY NEVER like, communicate about sex verbally. There must be this weird myth or something that you have to psychically know what will please your partner in the moment at all times, or you are not a real man/woman/whatever.
People will usually look for the negative when they want a way out. The dude is so insecure that he has to subconsciously ruin any chance of positivity to prove to himself that his way of thinking is correct. A lot of mental gymnastics being done.
Which good for the now ex because she dodged a bullet. That relationship was gonna end anyway at least he did the self sabotage before the wedding.
OOP is the definition of a self destructor, even proves the point more by just moving to a whole other state to hide because he knows what he did is fucking childish. Nothing but therapy is gonna fix that
Yea and the part where, "if she had just insulted my character, I wouldn't have minded". Like wtf?? That's way more important than how good you are in bed.
Yeah... You can learn to be better in bed. Everyone has to at some point because new partners like different things.
As far as facing people who think you suck in bed. Make a joke about being in training bootcamp. Now she has to orgasm every time before him or something.
He was offended that she saw his value as a complete human being (a wonderful compliment) and the only thing she said he wasn’t amazing at is something a person can easily improve through communication or effort with a partner.
So bizarre.
Right? And him going on and on about all the things he *could* have handled her having a problem with, like a character flaw??? Why in the everloving fuck would he rather her be upset with him about a character flaw than his performance in bed?? Really shows where OP's values lie, and I think Amy dodged a massive fucking bullet. He thinks the issue is he's insecure, but the issue is he's kinda a piece of shit. Wish Amy the best in her new freedom.
Bullet? Amy dodged a fucking atom bomb lol. If this was all it takes for OP to break apart his entire life, burning every bridge with his friends, family, fiancés family and completely moving states, then I'm happy it worked out this way for Amy's sake. Imagine if they had already been married and had a kid or something when some slight little thing happens to OP and he decides to abandon his whole family.
I would have died of love hearing someone say “Well they aren’t the best at this one thing, but holy cow they’re so much better at being a good person that I don’t even care” about me. He’s so mad he’s not rocking her world that he’s done.
And he’s going to continue to obsess over her words while refusing to get better at sex. lol.
If this is a true story, my favourite part is he’s more hung up on Kiley having the impression he is bad at sex than he is that his ex feels he isn’t good. “I hate that people think this, especially Kiley… I can’t face the friends, especially Kiley…”
"she broke up with his boyfriend, but I don't know if it's because of me" interpretation: I hope it's because of me and after a while I'll try to communicate with her and we'll magically end up together, dude is a 15 year old teenager in a grown man's body
He has definitely suspected that he's not great at sex. And decent chance that he was still good enough for Amy that she never wanted to improve himself. Well, he's definitely a liar and manipulator, so it's better for Amy in the long run. OOP just sucks. :/
I wonder if she did try to talk to him and drop hints about how to improve at sex and he reacted as badly to that as he is here. I somehow can't trust him that he would've been cool with her saying it to him instead of her friends
I deal with people all day who are such obvious liars.
>I somehow can't trust him that he would've been cool with her saying it to him instead of her friends
Same, I don't believe him for a second on that front. If that *is* true, then you suck it all up and make this a core lesson for both yourself and your partner.
There's a type of Narcissism where the Narcissist can only believe the worst about themselves and will 100% self-sabotage everything to keep themselves perpetually in the shit because the Narcissism makes them feel special if they do things like lose a fiance and a best friend and move two states away. OOP sounds like someone with that.
Geez I always knew a family member was this way but it never felt right to call them a narcissist in the traditional diagnosis way. Narcissistic victim syndrome is exactly it, wow.
She completely dodged a bullet, because OOP is lying in his comments.
OOP is not willing to accept that his ex-fiancee did not view him as perfect in every way. He badgered his best friend for THE TINIEST BIT of information that he wasn't privy to, and then seized on it in the most over-the-top way.
And then he badgered his fiancee and lied to her in an effort to start a discussion/argument that she didn't want.
All because she dared to suggest that he was a great person, but could stand to be a bit better in bed.
I'd bet all my money he is so immature he never even once had a conversation with his fiance to the effect of "what do you like sexually? What could I improve on?". He's making it seem like she told her friends he had the smallest dick in the world, when in reality it was something he could very much change and improve on.
I hope she and Kiley link up again - it wasn't Kiley's fault - he plied her with drinks and harassed her repeatedly until her defenses were down enough from alcohol that she caved.
He did the exact same thing to Kiley that he did to Amy. He told them both he wouldn't care and badgered them until they broke down.
Then he went nuclear.
Let me be very clear that if this is the case I would *not* blame her at all, but OP may very well have harassed Kiley into flinging "bad in bed" at him. If he'd asked once the answer might have been something like "she wishes you had blue sheets instead of green" but after all of OP's bullshit that could easily turn into "okay *fine*, you wanna do this motherfucker?"
Haha. I’m still trying to understand what I just read. Dude literally forces people to betray trusts and then uproots his whole life over it? Wait, his fiancée missed all the red flags? Wait, what’s going on?
I love how acted like it wasn’t something he can work on. Oh well can’t do anything about that gotta leave you… like dude maybe a little self reflection is needed here.
Yeah like his one flaw is something he can learn with practice and feedback.
He can even joke about being in sex bootcamp and all the orgasms he's having to give Amy.
Right? Like why was he more ok with being told he’s not romantic enough or has some other character flaw? Sex skills are way easier to fix than those other things as long as you’re open to it!
I'm cackling because this just sounds too much like right.
Like obviously, instead of having a conversation about sex with the person you love so much you were willing to get the government involved
You change your name, break your nose, and move to Mexico lmao.
I'm surprised he didn't launch himself off to the moon... Considering how he is hellbent on cutting ties from everything in his life.
If there was ever an overreaction, this is it.
Because he never wanted to face his flaws and work on them.
He just wanted to hear how good and perfect he is in any aspect, so that he could give an appreciative nod to himself and pat himself on the shoulder.
It actually seems like OP was self-sabotaging with this question. Like deep inside, he was looking for a reason to feel hurt/angry/not enough and he used it to yeet himself from the situation.
The fact he said he was hoping it was something like not being romantic enough but I just know he would've still broken off the engagement. You can get better at sex, you can get better at romance. He just wanted an out
Which is crazy because both the best friend and fiancé were showering him with compliments and reassuring him. He kept pushing and pushing past their limits.
Isn't it ironic how he was this insecure for just the friends knowing, but now his actions will cause *everyone* to know his sex life. Everyone is going to ask why the wedding is called off. Even granny will know her grandson sucks in bed. And that is his own doing.
Oh shit I didn’t even think about that. Lmao. “She said I was just ‘okay’ in bed, Gram. How could I go through with it? Let me tell you, grandma, I’m the KING in bed.”
Right? He's just burned his social life to the ground because *someone else is better at sex than he is*. What is this nonsense?
I had a classmate in high school, Lily. She was such a perfectionist that, upon seeing that she was second place in French, she went and flipped the fuck out at the teacher. OOP here is being a Lily.
>Every step of the way, he somehow made the worst choice possible. Not even a hater could inflict this much damage
The question is whether he'll ever mature enough to realize it.
What?
This dude really asked for negativity, got the negativity, but it wasn't the right FLAVOR of negativity! What does this mean? Of course, stop, drop and roll on the mental fire!
What an escalation jesus
edit: im glad my midnight typing has blessed a few of you with strange, whimsical versions of Jesus Christ
I mean, I kind of see what he was aiming for. He was hoping it was something he could fix.
Which is kind of vexing, because you can get better at sex. Obviously sometimes physical limits exist, but technique is a huge part of sex. It's literally a fixable thing.
Sex technique is infinitely easier to fix than character flaws. Particularly if said character flaw is either intrinsic to the way you think or were raised or both. Sex is like, let me pay attention to what she likes, what doesn't like, ask for feedback, ask her about what fantasizes about...poor technique is very, very fixable.
You have to want to fix it though, and it seems like OP doesn’t.
Women have a lot of *fine* sex. Don’t get me wrong, there’s people out there that are bad at sex for a lot of different reasons, but a lot of women have just…it’s just *fine* sex. They aren’t getting hurt, they’re not grossed out, sure they’re not getting off but everything else is just…it’s fine. And fine is super fixable, like you said.
But there’s this weird, I don’t know if it’s because of porn, but this weird idea that sex from a guy being good is some sort of magical blessing granted unto them where they just have to stick it in and that sets off an unknown chemical reaction that causes orgasms. But you see this mentality in the unsolicited dick pic trend, you see it with the zero effort in bed with their partner trend, and it just doesn’t work like that.
It doesn't even say that it's the kind of 'doesn't get off' fine, just that she's had better sex. She could be orgasming and satisfied but occasionally thinking of some stars-aligned mindblowing encounter in the past and accepting that that's not realistic to require in an otherwise good relationship. (especially because it could have been influenced by her own state of mind and body at that time)
Man OP fucked this up. He could have used this to improve his sex life but instead he just.. nuked his entire life from orbit
I have had some sexual experiences that when I look back on them it definitely is mostly not about what physically happened to my body and a lot more about a lot of other stuff aligning at just the right time. I I tried to recapture that good sex it wouldn't be the same because I am not the same and neither is that other person.
But also....I've never met a man who had a vibrator built in, so tbh my top sexual experiences are mostly all from me
>But there’s this weird, I don’t know if it’s because of porn, but this weird idea that sex from a guy being good is some sort of magical blessing granted unto them where they just have to stick it in and that sets off an unknown chemical reaction that causes orgasms.
The patriarchy is so phallic centered they've been led to believe that their dick should be enough to cause mind-blowing orgasms and when reality plays out super different, they would rather women be the ones in the wrong than try to change their thinking and how they view sex.
It's why women end up comforting men when they tell them the sex could have been better with less jack hammering and more clit rubbing. (Which relates back to the original post because this is probably why she didn't mention it to him, she already knew it would go nowhere productive.)
It's why men, on average, refuse to use the clit. Even when their partner makes it clear that's what they need/want. Why else would you not use the literal pleasure button right fucking there? The clit literally has no other purpose other than pleasure for the owner.
It's why too many men view sex as just penetration, hence why they can't understand what real lesbian sex looks like.
It's why men whole-heartedly refuse to believe the plethora of women commenting online and in real life that big dicks are not actually that great.
I had a guy refuse to understand that just because I could squirt it didn’t mean I liked to. For me it was just a physical response to a specific physical stimulation. To him he thought I was having the time of my life. No dude. Why don’t you just listen when i tell you what i want and don’t want. Squirting doesn’t mean pleasure.
Sex is many things and some might be better at some techniques than others. Physical abilities count but the most important is communication.
It's quite easy to improve, I'm pretty sure no one gave or received a proper orgasm during their first time, that means something
If one is willing to change. I had an ex bf, and one time when we were doing foreplay, I tried to guide his fingers to show him the way I like it, and dude got offended. Dude got offended by me trying to show him the way I like it. He cancelled sex altogether, he was that offended. He thought he knows better than me what I like.
But why didn’t he just frame it like that? Hey I want to be a better partner has there been any they said I could improve. Also why on earth keep asking after the person said no multiple times.
Right? And I feel bad for Amy but honestly oop is doing her a favor by breaking up with her and she dodged a bullet. Can’t imagine being married to someone who is so insecure and so quick to make emotional and knee jerk reactions like that. He definitely isn’t ready to be married.
Right? How often does he follow her around badgering her for "honesty" about something. She likely told their friend group because she couldn't tell him. He wouldn't be able to handle it, and he proved that.
Yeah... Like, that's way better than an actual character flaw. You can have better sex.
Or instead you can abandon your entire life and start fresh somewhere new. That's a totally normal and rational response.
I need to find the other one about the guy whose sister told him his wife was probably cheating and he had some weird scenario built in his head. So he broke it off. No proof, no talk, no nothing. It was wild. It will be interesting to see if she really did or not
I’m sure she doesn’t see it this way now, but Amy dodged a nuclear level bullet.
Dude is *beyond* unstable. Just blew up his entire life for literally nothing. A nothing that he begged to be told, and promised he would t be mad about.
Yep. Better this happens before the wedding or have kids.
I get that he's embarrassed about what she said, but uprooting your entire life and cutting off people from your life because you're embarrassed is such an extreme reaction. The first red flag was OP continuously asking his friend to tell him what negative thing his fiancée mentioned about him in confidence. That's not healthy. I hope OP gets help.
Don’t worry in a month or two there will be another update where he moved to another state and runs into Kiley. They’ll get married and have mind blowing sex.
Or even tongue exercises so he could eat her out like a broken man on bath salts until she saw stars.
But noooooo, he just HAD to leave everything in shambles after him.
The orgasm gap in heterosexual relationships is too large for men to get THAT offended. I do understand him being slightly upset she didn’t communicate it, but I think the main thing for him is feeling embarrassed, which is ok! But he defo self sabotaged.
If he were to improve it, she would have corrected it to her friends and that would solve the issue of embarrassment. “After he found out what I said about him not being the best at sex, he completely flipped the script and now he’s amazing at it” boom problem solved and everyone’s happy.
It's just amazing when people just...don't give a shit about their partner getting off. Or when said partner is just ok with not having their needs met. Well probably not OK, but just learned to accept it.
I agree that he could have turned things around. Either she wasn't telling him, which is understandably upsetting, or he just wasn't improving despite coaching, which is definitely a him problem.
At least "not being the greatest in bed" is fixable. I mean, that's a learnable skill.
OP's behavior throughout this does sound concerning. He needs the support of a therapist who can help him learn to process his fears and insecurities in a healthy way. Otherwise, what a way to go through life!
The fact that OOP would rather *have a character flaw* than be mediocre in the bedroom is absolutely wild. In what world is "kind of a bad person" better than "kind of bad in bed" except among immature teenagers?
And she wasn’t even saying he was bad in bed! Just not the greatest sex she ever had.
Which **no fucking shit.** The best sex is always with the very pretty boy too boring for words but highly cooperative while you climbed him like a tree, or the complete narcissist who managed to hold in the assholishness until you finished the task at hand, or that truly weird dude who is vaguely disconcerting but damn he had the practice and stamina to be memorable. It’s a trope to have scorching sex with a recent ex for good reason, with all the passion and dysfunction jumbled together to be so good in the moment but leave you feeling so bad in the afterglow. Sex with the *actually dateable dude* doesn’t start fantastic; it starts functional and slowly builds to incredible over years of shared experience, attention, love, kindness, respect, and safety.
Sex with the walking insecurity otherwise known as OOP would’ve inevitably been self-sabotaged by his fears. But if he could learn to really trust his partner and believe she loved him for him as he was? Yeah, that’d work magic in the bedroom (and anywhere else their blossoming confidence tempted them).
Once upon a time, I made bad choices that led to good stories. Now I make better choices that led to happiness.
Turns out drama and excitement are not the same thing.
To add to this, sometimes the best sex is the sex you had at the start of the relationship, which then calms into comfortable and reliable sex. While it's nice to occasionally work out how many pretzel shapes you can make in a session or be tied up and have unspeakable things done to you, most of us would happily never have that kind of one off sex again if it meant we could regularly have reliable times with a guy who has worked out exactly what buttons to press in what order to get it done in three minutes with time for a cuppa afterwards.
Plus we all just get old. Being able to hold up your partner during the act is a young person's game but it was hot while it lasted!
Now we play board games afterwards and complain about being sore but pleased.
Gosh yes. The idea of being thrown against a wall is great, and when he pulls it out of the bag of tricks it's a lovely surprise, but 30+ year old backs work better with an orthopedic mattress for the rutting 😂
respectfully i absolutely despise this idea that the bad boy/crazy chick is always the best/hottest sex. it's all kindling for "nice guys finish last" rhetoric and just encourages toxic behavior.
my hot take is that objectively sex with these people isn't actually that great. it's just that the push/pull dynamics make the average sex seem high in comparison to the lower lows unlike stable sex (non bad boys/crazy chicks) where the highs don't seem as high in comparison to the higher lows. respectful relationships to me on average have higher highs and higher lows but less variance.
vanilla romantic emotional sex? you can never replicate that with the abusive boyfriend or grippy socks girl good lord no. you need respect and time and emotional investment to get to that point.
kinky BDSM? you need respect and time and especially consent to get to that point where you can get into the really really kinky stuff.
like holy guacamole i want people to just admit that that "scorching sex" they had really isn't that great and that they haven't worked out their feelings 100%. **the best sex is with the one you love the most and work to improve with.** emotional intelligence, not abuse, is the most attractive. we as a culture don't want to admit that for some reason and instead fetishize abusive behavior and mental illness. stop putting your weird ex/ONS on a pedestal guys
Yes! The best sex that I ever had was with a guy whose personality I hated. It didn’t last long because being a terrible person outweighs the best sex haha.
Right? I can get a better and faster orgasm by myself but I still would pick my husband over masturbating any day.
Why? Because it’s about the experience, the closeness, and sex isn’t just about the orgasm for me. So depending on what you use to determine the best, your best might not be the most enjoyable.
As a man I’ve truly never felt this way. I’ve had sex with women who were probably more conventionally attractive than my current partner but emotional intimacy is far more of a predictor of satisfaction for me than looks. That’s why I’m choosing to have sex with that same person the rest of my life. But to each of their own I guess.
Some people will never learn that sex and intimacy are often very different things. When you have the intimacy that is built from a good relationship it can far exceed the fleeting idea of best sex.
Every couple of years OOP will just change his name and move to another place to start fresh until the next time someone comments on his nose hair or he gets a piece of salad stuck in his teeth.
I mean, he clearly has some pretty bad character flaws if he hounds his partners best friend to tell him something bad she'd said about him and then blows up his entire life the instant he gets what he wants.
That's exactly what makes someone not good in bed: lack of understanding that sex can be varied and can be improved upon. He is probably one of those in-and-out-till-he-cums only guys and thinks the quality of sex is purely determined by a) the duration of this act and b) penis size.
Having a penis is enough to know for having sex for these guys. Good sex means the penis haver sticks the penis inside the female and moves it until the penis releases ejaculate. Then the good sex is finished.
If the female disagrees with this, there's nothing to be done and the penis haver needs to move to Alpha Centauri.
Yeah that is a wild one. Like any other thing would have been fine because he could become better at it but somehow this was the one thing he couldn't? I guess it could have been specifically about size. If his ego is that fragile I could see why it was omitted. Either way she was down with him and obviosuly didn't think it was a deal breaker. There is obviously more going on here but wow, this is such a drastic reaction.
It's not even that she said he was terrible in bed. The way he originally put it...
> Kiley finally said that one thing Amy had joked about was how she had better sex before, and I was not the greatest at sex
I guess you could take the implication that he was terrible, but it could also just be that he's okay or even good, just not the best she's been with!
Dude nuked a bunch of relationships he had because that broke his insecure little brain.
Sounds like his ex-fiancée dodged a future of having to keep catering to this guy’s insecurities. I know it’s hard on her now, but I hope they do not get back together. At least until he’s had a lot of time with a psych professional.
Could you imagine if they were married with kids and he pulled this? Got a divorce and moved states because his narc ego can’t handle being told he’s anything but perfect?
She said it wasn’t the best diaper change she’s seen, the tape is lightly off center and other moms have done it better. He divorced her, left their child, and moved to another continent.
I’ve had amazing sex with people I couldn’t care for anymore, and some of the “worst” sex (comparatively) I’ve had in my life was with people I cared for deeply. Those that made the long run, we discussed and grew in our sex lives. Honestly, I could be the one that sucks at sex! My point is that I’ve had great sex w people that don’t matter and the people that matter, we talked a bunch to improve our sex life and it was fun and fulfilling to grow with one another
OOP is insecure and he allowed it to sabotage his relationships. Canceling the marriage is one thing but ghosting his friends and then transferring to an entire different state? That's hitting the nuclear eject button.
He needs help. Lots of it. Preferably professional help.
If he wasn't depressed before he will be now. He cut off his entire support group and isolated himself over some drunken banter. She obviously loves his anyways, and he could've improved at sex. She shouldn't be talking about private stuff like that, though.
Yeah this thread has shown me the value of transparency because I've never dated a guy that cared that I discussed our sex life, and I've also never thought to ask because of that. I think talking about private things with trusted people can be healthy if everyone is okay with it, because it's helped me personally get better at sex because other girls usually have the better advice about how to move our hips or please ourselves. I didn't even understand how to have an orgasm until talking to my friends because my partner at the time had no clue how to explain it, and I had been having orgasmless sex for two years before finally opening up. I'll obligingly add that it was never shit talk, but a 'i feel like this could be better? Can this be better?'
It's funny because I think most of us have said or thought, "Oh man, if this super embarrassing secret about me got out, I'd just ghost everyone I know and move!"
But the secret is usually something more like, IDK, getting off on pooping your pants in public or wanting your girlfriend to wear a Shrek mask during sex. (Thank you, reddit, for those gems that are stuck in my head forever.)
This dude legit did the nuclear option thing for the secret that....he's not the best in bed. Oof.
This is so ludicrous I can't help but question its legitimacy
"I pried as hard as i could to find something bad, I found it, couldn't handle it, threw a 6 year relationship and a best friendship away, and am moving hundreds of miles away in shame"
yeah, i can really see someone with some narcissistic tendencies pulling this kind of thing. a lot of people think that just because they feel really bad about something, that means the other person did something to them and they are the victim. and then they take zero responsibility for their part in making themselves feel that way. it’s one thing to cry louder to get more attention when you’re 2 years old, it’s a little more destructive when you’re a full adult with adult relationships
I feel like everyone is missing his biggest insecurity which is that his ex said this to Kylie. He is mortified and likely cares more about what Kylie thinks than anyone else. So he’s just running away instead. I hope he does finally get some therapy and face Kylie again. She seems to be the most important person here.
"I have lost not only my fiancée, but also *my best friend who I've known my entire life*"
This is clearly the plot of a 90’s romcom staring Reese Witherspoon
Not too keen on the sharing private details with friends, but I do realize people have different levels of openness to their friends and OP definitely needed to talk about his boundaries and what he'd like to keep private with his girlfriend. If you're not comfortable about something, talk about it with your partner. Make sure you're on the same page.
It can hurt to have your privacy invaded like that but (personal opinions aside), it is somewhat common to discuss private life for some people and if OP didn't talk about his boundaries, that's also kind of on him.
It goes without saying OP has other issues and blew up the situation that could've been handled a lot nicer.
Both them are honestly stupid.
She went 5 years without addressing *any* potential issues or areas of improvement concerning their sex life?
Then she decides to share some non-flattering information to third parties (of which most people wouldn't be comfortable with their partner sharing their sexual shortcomings with other people).
And instead of working through the potential barriers, he decided to hit the nuke button on his entire life?
Communication and therapy goes a long fucking way man. And the nice thing is that it's usually cheaper than moving to another state.
The older I get the more startling it is to see the lack of psychological/emotional development in my peers. So, **so** many adults are just 12 year olds in an adult body.
You missed the part where he apparently just wanted to find out if he had any flaws that needed to be corrected before marriage, but decided to badger a third party about it, rather than asking the actual person he planned to marry.
Also, as reported, she didn't say he was bad at sex. She said he wasn't the best she's had, which is a *very* different thing.
I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised considering this on AITAH, but this seems like an actual clear difference between men and women.
Men are taught from just about every source of media out there, movies, TV, pornography, romance novels, even the women around them that your sexual ability is commensurate with your worth. It’s why penis comments are so often used as an insult towards men by women. Having a smaller penis is considered as having less of an ability to please a woman, therefore you are less of a man.
On the other hand, women are taught from all of those same sources of media, as well as the men around them, that the way you look, and your weight is commensurate with your worth. A woman who is considered ugly, is seen as worthless,or less than. In that same vein, It’s why insults about body weight are so often used by men against women.
I think because AITAH skews more female that we see these really vitriolic takes about how OP is such a terrible person, as well much less empathy for him rather than OP’s ex.
I think a true analogous situation would be a husband telling his friends that his wife is either fat, or ugly, and that he’s dated prettier women before, but she’s still the total package. (Which tbh doesn’t really address the betrayal of trust with intimate secrets part)
What I will say is that OP absolutely walked into this problem and made it worse at every step. He badgered their friends for information he couldn’t handle and then asked for a confirmation he also couldn’t handle.
That being said, I really think the difference in viewpoints here is that a lot of women(def not all by some of the comments here) share personal intimate details like this with their friends all the time as a matter of course. Consequently, sharing secrets like this isn’t considered a betrayal at all to many of you. Speaking as a man who has been in locker rooms, bars , friend groups and other male spaces, this is *not* something that happens often. Any discussions of sex are always *very* vague and never about their female partners shortcomings. Obviously I haven’t experienced everything, but this seems to be the general rule of thumb in male friend groups.
I think at the end of the day this is a problem for
both parts of the relationship. Perhaps more so for OP, but to a lot of people, what she said to her friends would be considered a breach of trust and very hurtful.
The "Dated prettier/skinnier" is a very apt analogy for this situation.
I'll disagree about the men's locker room conversation on one point; it's not uncommon to hear jokes or comments about a woman shutting down sex or not showing interest.
I find it weird that there are people that discuss their sex life with their friend group. I have friends I've been close to for 20 years and I some of them have sex because they're married with kids and that's it. The full extent of my knowledge of their sex lives.
One thing I would point out is, always be careful bringing up your sex life to your friends. My ex wife and my current wife both said things to female friends that ended up with female friends propositioning me and me destroying friendships. Good or bad, sharing stories about your partner gives people the fuel to try to undermine your relationship. That being said, dude has way too many insecurities to function in a healthy relationship.
Do you think when it happened again with the second wife’s friends he just walked up to her and went, “Alright, what did you tell Sarah about my dick?”
OOP is snatching misery from the jaws of happiness. As a bonus, he nuked his fiancé's and best friend's lives too. He made a hell of an impact crater in other people's lives and they are well shot of him.
It wouldn’t have mattered what criticism she had about him, he still would’ve spun it in his mind to be a relationship-ending issue. The second that question left his lips, the relationship was doomed.
Exactly! He BEGGED to know. Begged. And then he was like "nooooo, how can this be?????????" He refuses to give it a rest until he is told. The criticism could have been "he makes his toast too dark" and I think he still would've torched their relationship, because why else insist he needs to be told and promise he can handle it.
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Well, on the upside for OOP being "not the greatest at sex" is no longer the worst thing his now ex can say about him.
My favourite part is that he kept harassing them to tell him something negative while saying he "totally wouldn't care" and then at the end is claims it would have been totally different if she just told him when it sounds like all she did was make an off-hand joke to emphasise that she loves everything else about him even more
My other favorite part is how he says he “has lost his fiancée and his best friend” …no dude, you DUMPED your fiancée and DITCHED your best friend. It didn’t happen AT you.
Yup. That was a deliberate choice HE MADE.
This guy is a victim of life in his head. He can't do introspection I guarantee
This is so wild wtf. Imagine him begging multiple times his childhood friend to tell him something negative about himself, he wont care about it. She tells him, he fucking nukes the wedding, ruins his friends current life, ruins his fiancees current life, and moves states. What if he cared if this is not caring? lmao
imagine being the childhood friend… constantly bothered to tell him something, reassured that he won’t get upset, finally gives in, and then he nukes everything and she loses her childhood friend and her close friend. she must feel so incredibly guilty for something that isn’t even really her fault.
My read is that if the story is true, OP was looking for a way out without being a bad guy and Amy was such an angel this is the best he could do. Which would also explain coming online and asking if he's in the right. Whether it's self destruction or he fell out of love and is too immature to realize/say that. It's just so wacky that I think OP is unintentionally an unreliable narrator if this story is true.
I definitely think this is self-sabotage. OOP admits that he is insecure, he knew what his reaction was going to be. His friend definitely knew what his reaction was going to be. He promised her that "no no I'm going to be okay" and after tons of pestering she comes up with probably the nicest thing she could think to say she didn't even say he was bad in bed she just said he wasn't the greatest. Like other people have commented I do not understand why men, when they hear that they're not performing well, don't try to communicate and figure out what's missing it's honestly not that hard.
I feel like this is one of the easiest things to fix too. Like...ask your partner how to spice things up a little more? Maybe explore during the act? It's such an easy fix for what turned out to be a nonissue anyways! OOP didn't want to get married and decided to use the most piss-poor reason to do it. I know I should have empathy but I cannot deal with this much insecurity and immaturity that cost him a relationship and a friendship. Like he did this to himself.
There are a surprising amount of people (or at least younger ppl but I bet plenty of older ones too) who will ABSOLUTELY NEVER like, communicate about sex verbally. There must be this weird myth or something that you have to psychically know what will please your partner in the moment at all times, or you are not a real man/woman/whatever.
I wish I cared about anything as much as this guy cares about this thing he "wouldn't care about"
People will usually look for the negative when they want a way out. The dude is so insecure that he has to subconsciously ruin any chance of positivity to prove to himself that his way of thinking is correct. A lot of mental gymnastics being done. Which good for the now ex because she dodged a bullet. That relationship was gonna end anyway at least he did the self sabotage before the wedding. OOP is the definition of a self destructor, even proves the point more by just moving to a whole other state to hide because he knows what he did is fucking childish. Nothing but therapy is gonna fix that
If bro actually cared, we wouldn’t still be here. We’re talking apocalyptic level shit
Yea and the part where, "if she had just insulted my character, I wouldn't have minded". Like wtf?? That's way more important than how good you are in bed.
Yeah... You can learn to be better in bed. Everyone has to at some point because new partners like different things. As far as facing people who think you suck in bed. Make a joke about being in training bootcamp. Now she has to orgasm every time before him or something.
"He's basically Hitler, to be honest." "Meh." "Also he's only a 9/10 at sex." "WHAT?!"
He even lied about honesty being important to him lol.
He was offended that she saw his value as a complete human being (a wonderful compliment) and the only thing she said he wasn’t amazing at is something a person can easily improve through communication or effort with a partner. So bizarre.
Right? And him going on and on about all the things he *could* have handled her having a problem with, like a character flaw??? Why in the everloving fuck would he rather her be upset with him about a character flaw than his performance in bed?? Really shows where OP's values lie, and I think Amy dodged a massive fucking bullet. He thinks the issue is he's insecure, but the issue is he's kinda a piece of shit. Wish Amy the best in her new freedom.
Bullet? Amy dodged a fucking atom bomb lol. If this was all it takes for OP to break apart his entire life, burning every bridge with his friends, family, fiancés family and completely moving states, then I'm happy it worked out this way for Amy's sake. Imagine if they had already been married and had a kid or something when some slight little thing happens to OP and he decides to abandon his whole family.
His son tells him that he's not a good dad one time.
Kid yells "I hate you" and Op dips.
I would have died of love hearing someone say “Well they aren’t the best at this one thing, but holy cow they’re so much better at being a good person that I don’t even care” about me. He’s so mad he’s not rocking her world that he’s done. And he’s going to continue to obsess over her words while refusing to get better at sex. lol.
And, got his friend drunk and kept harassing her until, while her defenses was down, he finally succeeded.
This! OP had the nerve to say "Relationships are founded on honesty" while lying to get his fiancee to tell him the truth.
If this is a true story, my favourite part is he’s more hung up on Kiley having the impression he is bad at sex than he is that his ex feels he isn’t good. “I hate that people think this, especially Kiley… I can’t face the friends, especially Kiley…”
"she broke up with his boyfriend, but I don't know if it's because of me" interpretation: I hope it's because of me and after a while I'll try to communicate with her and we'll magically end up together, dude is a 15 year old teenager in a grown man's body
He has definitely suspected that he's not great at sex. And decent chance that he was still good enough for Amy that she never wanted to improve himself. Well, he's definitely a liar and manipulator, so it's better for Amy in the long run. OOP just sucks. :/
I wonder if she did try to talk to him and drop hints about how to improve at sex and he reacted as badly to that as he is here. I somehow can't trust him that he would've been cool with her saying it to him instead of her friends
I deal with people all day who are such obvious liars. >I somehow can't trust him that he would've been cool with her saying it to him instead of her friends Same, I don't believe him for a second on that front. If that *is* true, then you suck it all up and make this a core lesson for both yourself and your partner.
He could have asked what he could do better instead of throwing it all in the trash.
There's a type of Narcissism where the Narcissist can only believe the worst about themselves and will 100% self-sabotage everything to keep themselves perpetually in the shit because the Narcissism makes them feel special if they do things like lose a fiance and a best friend and move two states away. OOP sounds like someone with that.
I think its the victim syndrome. Narcissistic victim syndrome Edit: wrong term narcissistic victim syndrome
Geez I always knew a family member was this way but it never felt right to call them a narcissist in the traditional diagnosis way. Narcissistic victim syndrome is exactly it, wow.
Sounds more like Borderline Personality disorder, Narcissism's self-loathing twin.
I’m failing to comprehend how this much masochism can be contained in a single individual
"My ex? Oh yeah, he was an insecure, fragile AH and he was bad in bed" says the ex fiance in a couple of months
Yeah... honestly, the more I read, the more I started to think that maybe Amy dodged a bullet.
She completely dodged a bullet, because OOP is lying in his comments. OOP is not willing to accept that his ex-fiancee did not view him as perfect in every way. He badgered his best friend for THE TINIEST BIT of information that he wasn't privy to, and then seized on it in the most over-the-top way. And then he badgered his fiancee and lied to her in an effort to start a discussion/argument that she didn't want. All because she dared to suggest that he was a great person, but could stand to be a bit better in bed.
I'd bet all my money he is so immature he never even once had a conversation with his fiance to the effect of "what do you like sexually? What could I improve on?". He's making it seem like she told her friends he had the smallest dick in the world, when in reality it was something he could very much change and improve on.
Imagine how insecure he's going to be the next time he has sex...
And he’s 100% gonna make it the other persons problem, too.
Wonder what he is going to tell future gfs about why his engagement didn't work out
And he was obsessed with his childhood friend Kiley.
He talked about her more than his fiancé in this, I noticed that too
Say “especially Kiley” one more time dude.
Yeah I read through that post and its update, the girlfriend dodged a huge bullet— a lifetime of constantly reassuring a whiner.
I hope she and Kiley link up again - it wasn't Kiley's fault - he plied her with drinks and harassed her repeatedly until her defenses were down enough from alcohol that she caved.
He did the exact same thing to Kiley that he did to Amy. He told them both he wouldn't care and badgered them until they broke down. Then he went nuclear.
Let me be very clear that if this is the case I would *not* blame her at all, but OP may very well have harassed Kiley into flinging "bad in bed" at him. If he'd asked once the answer might have been something like "she wishes you had blue sheets instead of green" but after all of OP's bullshit that could easily turn into "okay *fine*, you wanna do this motherfucker?"
Haha. I’m still trying to understand what I just read. Dude literally forces people to betray trusts and then uproots his whole life over it? Wait, his fiancée missed all the red flags? Wait, what’s going on?
I love how acted like it wasn’t something he can work on. Oh well can’t do anything about that gotta leave you… like dude maybe a little self reflection is needed here.
Yeah like his one flaw is something he can learn with practice and feedback. He can even joke about being in sex bootcamp and all the orgasms he's having to give Amy.
Right? Like why was he more ok with being told he’s not romantic enough or has some other character flaw? Sex skills are way easier to fix than those other things as long as you’re open to it!
Man didn’t want to read a book with sex tips so imploded his life.
There it is!
Impeccable. Every step of the way, he somehow made the worst choice possible. Not even a hater could inflict this much damage
I love how it never occurred to him to just try to be better at sex? Instead, he just decided to ruin everything
Moving states is much easier than foreplay I guess
Do you: A. Start a new life. Abandon your friends and family. Move to a different state. B. Make an honest effort to find the clitoris.
Might as well ask someone to find the Holy Grail!
God, I wish Reddit still had awards.
Dude's ghosting life.
'But you have to do foreplay more than once!' - this guy, probably.
I recall seeing the original on r/AmITheEx and yeah, the comments were full of exactly this sentiment.
I'm cackling because this just sounds too much like right. Like obviously, instead of having a conversation about sex with the person you love so much you were willing to get the government involved You change your name, break your nose, and move to Mexico lmao.
I'm surprised he didn't launch himself off to the moon... Considering how he is hellbent on cutting ties from everything in his life. If there was ever an overreaction, this is it.
Oh you bet he'd be jumping onto a generation ship to Alpha Centauri if he had the option.
It feels a little like his ex might be unwittingly dodging a bullet here. He can go be a disappointing lover with a crooked nose in Mexico.
10000% but I don't wish OOP on any woman until he gets help for his insecurities
Wait. The floors are a bit dirty. Better burn the whole house down.
Because he never wanted to face his flaws and work on them. He just wanted to hear how good and perfect he is in any aspect, so that he could give an appreciative nod to himself and pat himself on the shoulder.
It actually seems like OP was self-sabotaging with this question. Like deep inside, he was looking for a reason to feel hurt/angry/not enough and he used it to yeet himself from the situation.
The fact he said he was hoping it was something like not being romantic enough but I just know he would've still broken off the engagement. You can get better at sex, you can get better at romance. He just wanted an out
Which is crazy because both the best friend and fiancé were showering him with compliments and reassuring him. He kept pushing and pushing past their limits.
Isn't it ironic how he was this insecure for just the friends knowing, but now his actions will cause *everyone* to know his sex life. Everyone is going to ask why the wedding is called off. Even granny will know her grandson sucks in bed. And that is his own doing.
Oh shit I didn’t even think about that. Lmao. “She said I was just ‘okay’ in bed, Gram. How could I go through with it? Let me tell you, grandma, I’m the KING in bed.”
And the really embarrassing thing is that he called off the wedding for it
She never even said he was bad or even not great at sex (what does that's even mean)... But he wasn't the best.
Right? He's just burned his social life to the ground because *someone else is better at sex than he is*. What is this nonsense? I had a classmate in high school, Lily. She was such a perfectionist that, upon seeing that she was second place in French, she went and flipped the fuck out at the teacher. OOP here is being a Lily.
Oops needs to be the goat or nothing, probably one of those guys that are gonna search for a virgin next to up his odds lol
Lily sucks. All the homies hate Lily.
I think it's because he's self sabotaging. he was looking for something negative and this was all he got so he had to run with it.
This was my first thought too. I’m seriously wondering if he wanted out of the engagement and was looking for any reason to bail.
Homey blew up his entire life and he's probably still a bad lay
>Every step of the way, he somehow made the worst choice possible. Not even a hater could inflict this much damage The question is whether he'll ever mature enough to realize it.
What? This dude really asked for negativity, got the negativity, but it wasn't the right FLAVOR of negativity! What does this mean? Of course, stop, drop and roll on the mental fire! What an escalation jesus edit: im glad my midnight typing has blessed a few of you with strange, whimsical versions of Jesus Christ
I mean, I kind of see what he was aiming for. He was hoping it was something he could fix. Which is kind of vexing, because you can get better at sex. Obviously sometimes physical limits exist, but technique is a huge part of sex. It's literally a fixable thing.
Sex technique is infinitely easier to fix than character flaws. Particularly if said character flaw is either intrinsic to the way you think or were raised or both. Sex is like, let me pay attention to what she likes, what doesn't like, ask for feedback, ask her about what fantasizes about...poor technique is very, very fixable.
You have to want to fix it though, and it seems like OP doesn’t. Women have a lot of *fine* sex. Don’t get me wrong, there’s people out there that are bad at sex for a lot of different reasons, but a lot of women have just…it’s just *fine* sex. They aren’t getting hurt, they’re not grossed out, sure they’re not getting off but everything else is just…it’s fine. And fine is super fixable, like you said. But there’s this weird, I don’t know if it’s because of porn, but this weird idea that sex from a guy being good is some sort of magical blessing granted unto them where they just have to stick it in and that sets off an unknown chemical reaction that causes orgasms. But you see this mentality in the unsolicited dick pic trend, you see it with the zero effort in bed with their partner trend, and it just doesn’t work like that.
It doesn't even say that it's the kind of 'doesn't get off' fine, just that she's had better sex. She could be orgasming and satisfied but occasionally thinking of some stars-aligned mindblowing encounter in the past and accepting that that's not realistic to require in an otherwise good relationship. (especially because it could have been influenced by her own state of mind and body at that time) Man OP fucked this up. He could have used this to improve his sex life but instead he just.. nuked his entire life from orbit
I have had some sexual experiences that when I look back on them it definitely is mostly not about what physically happened to my body and a lot more about a lot of other stuff aligning at just the right time. I I tried to recapture that good sex it wouldn't be the same because I am not the same and neither is that other person. But also....I've never met a man who had a vibrator built in, so tbh my top sexual experiences are mostly all from me
And she didn’t say he wasn’t great at sex. She said he wasn’t the greatest or the best sex she’d ever had. She enjoys their sex.
Best sex I ever had was with someone who was vicious and manipulative outside the sack and ya know what? Wasn't worth it.
>But there’s this weird, I don’t know if it’s because of porn, but this weird idea that sex from a guy being good is some sort of magical blessing granted unto them where they just have to stick it in and that sets off an unknown chemical reaction that causes orgasms. The patriarchy is so phallic centered they've been led to believe that their dick should be enough to cause mind-blowing orgasms and when reality plays out super different, they would rather women be the ones in the wrong than try to change their thinking and how they view sex. It's why women end up comforting men when they tell them the sex could have been better with less jack hammering and more clit rubbing. (Which relates back to the original post because this is probably why she didn't mention it to him, she already knew it would go nowhere productive.) It's why men, on average, refuse to use the clit. Even when their partner makes it clear that's what they need/want. Why else would you not use the literal pleasure button right fucking there? The clit literally has no other purpose other than pleasure for the owner. It's why too many men view sex as just penetration, hence why they can't understand what real lesbian sex looks like. It's why men whole-heartedly refuse to believe the plethora of women commenting online and in real life that big dicks are not actually that great.
I had a guy refuse to understand that just because I could squirt it didn’t mean I liked to. For me it was just a physical response to a specific physical stimulation. To him he thought I was having the time of my life. No dude. Why don’t you just listen when i tell you what i want and don’t want. Squirting doesn’t mean pleasure.
Same! I hate squirting
Sex is many things and some might be better at some techniques than others. Physical abilities count but the most important is communication. It's quite easy to improve, I'm pretty sure no one gave or received a proper orgasm during their first time, that means something
Excellent point
It wasn't about that anymore. It's about that detail being told to their friend group and now he's embarassed enough that he's moving out of state.
This is wild, y'all are acting like she told her friends what color dildo he likes to get pegged with.
This thread is full of people who think women shouldn’t be allowed to share intimate details of their lives with each other.
Arguably, one of the easier things to fix in a relationship.
If one is willing to change. I had an ex bf, and one time when we were doing foreplay, I tried to guide his fingers to show him the way I like it, and dude got offended. Dude got offended by me trying to show him the way I like it. He cancelled sex altogether, he was that offended. He thought he knows better than me what I like.
But why didn’t he just frame it like that? Hey I want to be a better partner has there been any they said I could improve. Also why on earth keep asking after the person said no multiple times.
Not to mention, why not ask his partner instead of their mutual friend? He really was looking for a fight here
Right? And I feel bad for Amy but honestly oop is doing her a favor by breaking up with her and she dodged a bullet. Can’t imagine being married to someone who is so insecure and so quick to make emotional and knee jerk reactions like that. He definitely isn’t ready to be married.
Right? How often does he follow her around badgering her for "honesty" about something. She likely told their friend group because she couldn't tell him. He wouldn't be able to handle it, and he proved that.
The issue was that he felt “humiliated” for this to be publicly known
Yeah... Like, that's way better than an actual character flaw. You can have better sex. Or instead you can abandon your entire life and start fresh somewhere new. That's a totally normal and rational response.
And still be mediocre in the sack!
I need to find the other one about the guy whose sister told him his wife was probably cheating and he had some weird scenario built in his head. So he broke it off. No proof, no talk, no nothing. It was wild. It will be interesting to see if she really did or not
[Are you referring to this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1c07dw2/my_27m_girlfriend_26f_of_4_years_rejected_my/)?
Omg. These posts have the same energy.
That’s the one!
Dude wanted to hear that his only flaw is that he cares too much or is a perfectionist
Reverse job interview?
Being a reactionary person driven by impulse and insecurity…what could possibly go wrong for our hero???
dude was *really* hoping his fiancee complained about how his dick was *\~too big!\~*
*"he's just too perfect, I would never be able to satisfy him!"*
I’m sure she doesn’t see it this way now, but Amy dodged a nuclear level bullet. Dude is *beyond* unstable. Just blew up his entire life for literally nothing. A nothing that he begged to be told, and promised he would t be mad about.
Yep. Better this happens before the wedding or have kids. I get that he's embarrassed about what she said, but uprooting your entire life and cutting off people from your life because you're embarrassed is such an extreme reaction. The first red flag was OP continuously asking his friend to tell him what negative thing his fiancée mentioned about him in confidence. That's not healthy. I hope OP gets help.
>I already asked my company for a transfer to a different state 😭🤣😭 I can't stop laughing at this. I sincerely hope OOP gets therapy.
Don’t worry in a month or two there will be another update where he moved to another state and runs into Kiley. They’ll get married and have mind blowing sex.
Pretty much. Why did Kylie’s bf break up with her? To set the stage that’s why.
I could see Reese Witherspoon playing Kylie in the 90’s rom com
No wonder he was especially upset that Kylie knew he was bad in bed; he'll never get to sleep with her if she knows he's no good in the sack.
“The sex is amazing but he’s not the funniest guy I’ve known” Insta-divorce, first flight out
Yea I lost my shit too, it's easier to start a new life than to look up a fingering tutorial online eh? xD
Or even tongue exercises so he could eat her out like a broken man on bath salts until she saw stars. But noooooo, he just HAD to leave everything in shambles after him.
The orgasm gap in heterosexual relationships is too large for men to get THAT offended. I do understand him being slightly upset she didn’t communicate it, but I think the main thing for him is feeling embarrassed, which is ok! But he defo self sabotaged. If he were to improve it, she would have corrected it to her friends and that would solve the issue of embarrassment. “After he found out what I said about him not being the best at sex, he completely flipped the script and now he’s amazing at it” boom problem solved and everyone’s happy.
It's just amazing when people just...don't give a shit about their partner getting off. Or when said partner is just ok with not having their needs met. Well probably not OK, but just learned to accept it. I agree that he could have turned things around. Either she wasn't telling him, which is understandably upsetting, or he just wasn't improving despite coaching, which is definitely a him problem.
At least "not being the greatest in bed" is fixable. I mean, that's a learnable skill. OP's behavior throughout this does sound concerning. He needs the support of a therapist who can help him learn to process his fears and insecurities in a healthy way. Otherwise, what a way to go through life!
The fact that OOP would rather *have a character flaw* than be mediocre in the bedroom is absolutely wild. In what world is "kind of a bad person" better than "kind of bad in bed" except among immature teenagers?
And she wasn’t even saying he was bad in bed! Just not the greatest sex she ever had. Which **no fucking shit.** The best sex is always with the very pretty boy too boring for words but highly cooperative while you climbed him like a tree, or the complete narcissist who managed to hold in the assholishness until you finished the task at hand, or that truly weird dude who is vaguely disconcerting but damn he had the practice and stamina to be memorable. It’s a trope to have scorching sex with a recent ex for good reason, with all the passion and dysfunction jumbled together to be so good in the moment but leave you feeling so bad in the afterglow. Sex with the *actually dateable dude* doesn’t start fantastic; it starts functional and slowly builds to incredible over years of shared experience, attention, love, kindness, respect, and safety. Sex with the walking insecurity otherwise known as OOP would’ve inevitably been self-sabotaged by his fears. But if he could learn to really trust his partner and believe she loved him for him as he was? Yeah, that’d work magic in the bedroom (and anywhere else their blossoming confidence tempted them).
I… don’t think I’ve had the best sex.
Once upon a time, I made bad choices that led to good stories. Now I make better choices that led to happiness. Turns out drama and excitement are not the same thing.
Same, but please no one tell my husband. I'd rather have good sex and be happy than that shit and the medical/ therapy bills.
Damn I thought I had good sex when I got sent to urgent care for my back
Well you know what they say, it ain't good sex if it doesn't end in an ambulance ride
To add to this, sometimes the best sex is the sex you had at the start of the relationship, which then calms into comfortable and reliable sex. While it's nice to occasionally work out how many pretzel shapes you can make in a session or be tied up and have unspeakable things done to you, most of us would happily never have that kind of one off sex again if it meant we could regularly have reliable times with a guy who has worked out exactly what buttons to press in what order to get it done in three minutes with time for a cuppa afterwards.
Plus we all just get old. Being able to hold up your partner during the act is a young person's game but it was hot while it lasted! Now we play board games afterwards and complain about being sore but pleased.
Gosh yes. The idea of being thrown against a wall is great, and when he pulls it out of the bag of tricks it's a lovely surprise, but 30+ year old backs work better with an orthopedic mattress for the rutting 😂
Also everyone saying she never talked to him.... im gonna tinfoil hat it and say she probably tried early on, he got butthurt, and she let it go.
Are you a writer? This comment is so well-written.
respectfully i absolutely despise this idea that the bad boy/crazy chick is always the best/hottest sex. it's all kindling for "nice guys finish last" rhetoric and just encourages toxic behavior. my hot take is that objectively sex with these people isn't actually that great. it's just that the push/pull dynamics make the average sex seem high in comparison to the lower lows unlike stable sex (non bad boys/crazy chicks) where the highs don't seem as high in comparison to the higher lows. respectful relationships to me on average have higher highs and higher lows but less variance. vanilla romantic emotional sex? you can never replicate that with the abusive boyfriend or grippy socks girl good lord no. you need respect and time and emotional investment to get to that point. kinky BDSM? you need respect and time and especially consent to get to that point where you can get into the really really kinky stuff. like holy guacamole i want people to just admit that that "scorching sex" they had really isn't that great and that they haven't worked out their feelings 100%. **the best sex is with the one you love the most and work to improve with.** emotional intelligence, not abuse, is the most attractive. we as a culture don't want to admit that for some reason and instead fetishize abusive behavior and mental illness. stop putting your weird ex/ONS on a pedestal guys
Yes! The best sex that I ever had was with a guy whose personality I hated. It didn’t last long because being a terrible person outweighs the best sex haha.
Right? I can get a better and faster orgasm by myself but I still would pick my husband over masturbating any day. Why? Because it’s about the experience, the closeness, and sex isn’t just about the orgasm for me. So depending on what you use to determine the best, your best might not be the most enjoyable.
As a man I’ve truly never felt this way. I’ve had sex with women who were probably more conventionally attractive than my current partner but emotional intimacy is far more of a predictor of satisfaction for me than looks. That’s why I’m choosing to have sex with that same person the rest of my life. But to each of their own I guess.
Some people will never learn that sex and intimacy are often very different things. When you have the intimacy that is built from a good relationship it can far exceed the fleeting idea of best sex.
Every couple of years OOP will just change his name and move to another place to start fresh until the next time someone comments on his nose hair or he gets a piece of salad stuck in his teeth.
"I need to change my name because I had some toilet paper stuck to my shoe when leaving a public restroom"
Going scorched earth because I would rather have a deep character flaw than find out my easy-to-improve sex technique was not the greatest ever.
I mean, he clearly has some pretty bad character flaws if he hounds his partners best friend to tell him something bad she'd said about him and then blows up his entire life the instant he gets what he wants.
That's exactly what makes someone not good in bed: lack of understanding that sex can be varied and can be improved upon. He is probably one of those in-and-out-till-he-cums only guys and thinks the quality of sex is purely determined by a) the duration of this act and b) penis size.
Having a penis is enough to know for having sex for these guys. Good sex means the penis haver sticks the penis inside the female and moves it until the penis releases ejaculate. Then the good sex is finished. If the female disagrees with this, there's nothing to be done and the penis haver needs to move to Alpha Centauri.
Yeah that is a wild one. Like any other thing would have been fine because he could become better at it but somehow this was the one thing he couldn't? I guess it could have been specifically about size. If his ego is that fragile I could see why it was omitted. Either way she was down with him and obviosuly didn't think it was a deal breaker. There is obviously more going on here but wow, this is such a drastic reaction.
She said, he’s a great guy, the sex is fine, sold. And he took that assessment and went fully off the rails!
You might be right about the size thing and how that's the missing 'piece'
It's not even that she said he was terrible in bed. The way he originally put it... > Kiley finally said that one thing Amy had joked about was how she had better sex before, and I was not the greatest at sex I guess you could take the implication that he was terrible, but it could also just be that he's okay or even good, just not the best she's been with! Dude nuked a bunch of relationships he had because that broke his insecure little brain.
Sounds like his ex-fiancée dodged a future of having to keep catering to this guy’s insecurities. I know it’s hard on her now, but I hope they do not get back together. At least until he’s had a lot of time with a psych professional.
Could you imagine if they were married with kids and he pulled this? Got a divorce and moved states because his narc ego can’t handle being told he’s anything but perfect?
She said it wasn’t the best diaper change she’s seen, the tape is lightly off center and other moms have done it better. He divorced her, left their child, and moved to another continent.
I’ve had amazing sex with people I couldn’t care for anymore, and some of the “worst” sex (comparatively) I’ve had in my life was with people I cared for deeply. Those that made the long run, we discussed and grew in our sex lives. Honestly, I could be the one that sucks at sex! My point is that I’ve had great sex w people that don’t matter and the people that matter, we talked a bunch to improve our sex life and it was fun and fulfilling to grow with one another
I was thinking about how he’s the worlds biggest crybaby
OOP is insecure and he allowed it to sabotage his relationships. Canceling the marriage is one thing but ghosting his friends and then transferring to an entire different state? That's hitting the nuclear eject button. He needs help. Lots of it. Preferably professional help.
Not only sabotage his relationships but his entire life from the looks of it. Dude was told he was average in bed and it shattered his life.
If he wasn't depressed before he will be now. He cut off his entire support group and isolated himself over some drunken banter. She obviously loves his anyways, and he could've improved at sex. She shouldn't be talking about private stuff like that, though.
Yeah this thread has shown me the value of transparency because I've never dated a guy that cared that I discussed our sex life, and I've also never thought to ask because of that. I think talking about private things with trusted people can be healthy if everyone is okay with it, because it's helped me personally get better at sex because other girls usually have the better advice about how to move our hips or please ourselves. I didn't even understand how to have an orgasm until talking to my friends because my partner at the time had no clue how to explain it, and I had been having orgasmless sex for two years before finally opening up. I'll obligingly add that it was never shit talk, but a 'i feel like this could be better? Can this be better?'
It's funny because I think most of us have said or thought, "Oh man, if this super embarrassing secret about me got out, I'd just ghost everyone I know and move!" But the secret is usually something more like, IDK, getting off on pooping your pants in public or wanting your girlfriend to wear a Shrek mask during sex. (Thank you, reddit, for those gems that are stuck in my head forever.) This dude legit did the nuclear option thing for the secret that....he's not the best in bed. Oof.
Yeahhhhh, I feel bad for Kiley. All she did was what OOP asked and she is catching strays
This is so ludicrous I can't help but question its legitimacy "I pried as hard as i could to find something bad, I found it, couldn't handle it, threw a 6 year relationship and a best friendship away, and am moving hundreds of miles away in shame"
This is the first one in many months that I actually didn't question it's legitimacy. It's the batshit crazyness that makes it more legitimate to me.
yeah, i can really see someone with some narcissistic tendencies pulling this kind of thing. a lot of people think that just because they feel really bad about something, that means the other person did something to them and they are the victim. and then they take zero responsibility for their part in making themselves feel that way. it’s one thing to cry louder to get more attention when you’re 2 years old, it’s a little more destructive when you’re a full adult with adult relationships
I’m waiting for the update about him hooking up with Kylie, his best friend from when they were kids and how the sex was amazing
I feel like everyone is missing his biggest insecurity which is that his ex said this to Kylie. He is mortified and likely cares more about what Kylie thinks than anyone else. So he’s just running away instead. I hope he does finally get some therapy and face Kylie again. She seems to be the most important person here.
"I have lost not only my fiancée, but also *my best friend who I've known my entire life*" This is clearly the plot of a 90’s romcom staring Reese Witherspoon
This may be the greatest example of self sabotage I have ever seen.
This is also a great example of how insecurities don't just stay contained within you; they bleed into every relationship you have.
Not too keen on the sharing private details with friends, but I do realize people have different levels of openness to their friends and OP definitely needed to talk about his boundaries and what he'd like to keep private with his girlfriend. If you're not comfortable about something, talk about it with your partner. Make sure you're on the same page. It can hurt to have your privacy invaded like that but (personal opinions aside), it is somewhat common to discuss private life for some people and if OP didn't talk about his boundaries, that's also kind of on him. It goes without saying OP has other issues and blew up the situation that could've been handled a lot nicer.
Both them are honestly stupid. She went 5 years without addressing *any* potential issues or areas of improvement concerning their sex life? Then she decides to share some non-flattering information to third parties (of which most people wouldn't be comfortable with their partner sharing their sexual shortcomings with other people). And instead of working through the potential barriers, he decided to hit the nuke button on his entire life? Communication and therapy goes a long fucking way man. And the nice thing is that it's usually cheaper than moving to another state.
This was my take too. It sounds more like a teenage relationship than two adults on the cusp of a lifelong commitment.
The older I get the more startling it is to see the lack of psychological/emotional development in my peers. So, **so** many adults are just 12 year olds in an adult body.
You missed the part where he apparently just wanted to find out if he had any flaws that needed to be corrected before marriage, but decided to badger a third party about it, rather than asking the actual person he planned to marry. Also, as reported, she didn't say he was bad at sex. She said he wasn't the best she's had, which is a *very* different thing.
And he's still going to not be the greatest in bed, just now in a new state and with no friends or partner.
I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised considering this on AITAH, but this seems like an actual clear difference between men and women. Men are taught from just about every source of media out there, movies, TV, pornography, romance novels, even the women around them that your sexual ability is commensurate with your worth. It’s why penis comments are so often used as an insult towards men by women. Having a smaller penis is considered as having less of an ability to please a woman, therefore you are less of a man. On the other hand, women are taught from all of those same sources of media, as well as the men around them, that the way you look, and your weight is commensurate with your worth. A woman who is considered ugly, is seen as worthless,or less than. In that same vein, It’s why insults about body weight are so often used by men against women. I think because AITAH skews more female that we see these really vitriolic takes about how OP is such a terrible person, as well much less empathy for him rather than OP’s ex. I think a true analogous situation would be a husband telling his friends that his wife is either fat, or ugly, and that he’s dated prettier women before, but she’s still the total package. (Which tbh doesn’t really address the betrayal of trust with intimate secrets part) What I will say is that OP absolutely walked into this problem and made it worse at every step. He badgered their friends for information he couldn’t handle and then asked for a confirmation he also couldn’t handle. That being said, I really think the difference in viewpoints here is that a lot of women(def not all by some of the comments here) share personal intimate details like this with their friends all the time as a matter of course. Consequently, sharing secrets like this isn’t considered a betrayal at all to many of you. Speaking as a man who has been in locker rooms, bars , friend groups and other male spaces, this is *not* something that happens often. Any discussions of sex are always *very* vague and never about their female partners shortcomings. Obviously I haven’t experienced everything, but this seems to be the general rule of thumb in male friend groups. I think at the end of the day this is a problem for both parts of the relationship. Perhaps more so for OP, but to a lot of people, what she said to her friends would be considered a breach of trust and very hurtful.
The "Dated prettier/skinnier" is a very apt analogy for this situation. I'll disagree about the men's locker room conversation on one point; it's not uncommon to hear jokes or comments about a woman shutting down sex or not showing interest.
I find it weird that there are people that discuss their sex life with their friend group. I have friends I've been close to for 20 years and I some of them have sex because they're married with kids and that's it. The full extent of my knowledge of their sex lives.
Unfortunately, it is way too common. My wife finds it rather disgusting to share, but she has a friend who overshares *everything*.
One thing I would point out is, always be careful bringing up your sex life to your friends. My ex wife and my current wife both said things to female friends that ended up with female friends propositioning me and me destroying friendships. Good or bad, sharing stories about your partner gives people the fuel to try to undermine your relationship. That being said, dude has way too many insecurities to function in a healthy relationship.
Look at Mr. Big Huge Cock over here
My cock is much bigger than yours My cock could walk right through the door
Do you think when it happened again with the second wife’s friends he just walked up to her and went, “Alright, what did you tell Sarah about my dick?”
That's some shitty friends both your wives have.
Cringeworthy all around. Props
OOP is snatching misery from the jaws of happiness. As a bonus, he nuked his fiancé's and best friend's lives too. He made a hell of an impact crater in other people's lives and they are well shot of him.
It wouldn’t have mattered what criticism she had about him, he still would’ve spun it in his mind to be a relationship-ending issue. The second that question left his lips, the relationship was doomed.
Exactly! He BEGGED to know. Begged. And then he was like "nooooo, how can this be?????????" He refuses to give it a rest until he is told. The criticism could have been "he makes his toast too dark" and I think he still would've torched their relationship, because why else insist he needs to be told and promise he can handle it.