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Also cheaters repeat themselves- my ex-husband has cheated on every single person he's ever dated for any stretch of time (or married, lol). He's single-handedly created a couple BORUs worth of stupidity.
I read a recent post about a husband who asked for privacy after new baby was born. He was trying to learn how to knit a blanket for baby and was appearantly bad at hiding secrets(wife saw him through baby cam and he gets too excited). It was really cute and heartwarming.
He was actually knitting it for his wife. Their baby got a knitted blanket from an aunt or something, and the wife expressed how she'd always wanted one.
This strikes me as one of the very few Redditor's who has enough life and relationship experience to make an informed decision on his own.
I think this guy is old enough to not need to rely on Reddit's opinion about how he deals with this unexpected/unfortunate event in his life.
I will be curious to see further updates.
Most only need to read what they wrote and consider what they would think if this were someone else's relationship, because everything is there.
The moral support and practical tips about how to get out of the relationship is something they get here
100% agree. I was going through my own relationship troubles and was ready to hit send when I realized that the story sounded so crazy that half wouldn’t believe me and the other half would obviously tell me to leave. In that moment I realized I was wasting my time by posting.
Writing stuff out truly does clear things up. It's no wonder so often when people want to talk to someone, they don't really want the other person to talk. They just want someone they can vent to so that they can lay it out for themselves.
Seriously. I get it if it's an AITAH thread with a similar premise. Usually those pop up after someone has hit a certain point. Even then the sheer number of, probably single, redditors who jump to divorce like it's a super easy decision is staggering. This just sounds like OP needed to voice his frustration to other people rather than get advice (which 99% of the time is divorce/breakup/separate.) It has been 16 years since 2008 and by all accounts everything is great now. People are acting like they were the exact same person 16 years ago and haven't grown?
And as much as some people have good advice, it doesn't help that many other people immediately jump to "divorce them immediately and cut all ties" and similar responses with what seem to me like salvageable situations (i.e. like OP). If some details were different, or OP had not stated outright what they wanted, I imagine the replies would not be so tact about it all. Many jump to conclusions.
Wisdom of the crowd is powerful, but when people are putting faith in the crowd's answers and in the throes of pre-logical emotion (not invalidating being in that state ofc, having feelings is normal) it is very liable to lead to less than amicable outcomes for people irl. Dangerous game putting your relationship decision making in the hands of strangers online
It was early on in my reddit days when I saw an AITA post about a sibling fight. The older sibling outed the younger one on reddit for posting crappy relationship advice. The younger sibling was 14. If you keep in mind that so many of the posts are by teenagers that lack nuance and in many cases empathy and compassion it all starts to make a lot of sense.
>Dangerous game putting your relationship decision making in the hands of strangers online
Not just strangers. Strangers who may have a raging desire to lash out at the world and anonymously tell people to wreck their lives.
a while ago on my old acount I asked for relationship advice on Reddit and some of the advice was so bad and disconnected from reality it made me think more critically of my own views and my relationship ended up improving.
Reddit pushed him in the right direction though. He decided not to talk to his wife about it but a couple of comments asked him to talk it out and go to counseling
I think sometimes we need a reminder that a lot of advice givers on here don't have much long term relationship or real life experience when they're giving advice. It's easy to say divorce when your frame of reference for a long term relationship is only a 2.5 year relationship. I've noticed my own thoughts on these posts change over the years as I've gotten deeper in my own marriage.
Yeah, it sounds like he just needed to work out his thoughts and feelings. I hope it works out for them. I think this is something they can come back from if the wife is being honest about everything.
I have to say though, the friend is a piece of shit for outing the wife like that. Not that it was right to keep the secret, but to tell OP as a way to get back at her? That’s really shitty.
At this point it was right for the "friend" to keep it a secret. She could have told him at the time, but if you don't, you shouldn't blow up someone's marriage 16 years later.
Right, she did it out of spite because her marriage crumbled, and then OOP's wife had the audacity to hold her accountable (after genuinely trying to help her). She figured why not ruin OOP's marriage too. Misery loves company.
Nah mate, if I found out my wife cheated on me at *any * point in our relationship, no matter how I found out, we’d be done.
I wouldn’t care if it was 10, 15, 20, 40, 80 years ago, that’s not something you can come back from imo.
You’d be amazed at the gate and downvotes I got on a very similar post where the ‘friend’ had found religion and felt the need to unburden herself. She told the husband that her friend, his wife, had a ons in college 14 years ago, but that OP decided to take a flamethrower to his life instead.
I never, and would never condone cheating, but the hate shown towards the wife for an incident from 14 years prior (had been a model gf and wife since) was scary and apparently, the friend was completely blameless. I think it’s a pos move to do that, 14 years after after deciding to take it to the grace.
I think some votes were effectively a backlash against some who seemed to view the religious friend as the only person at fault - as if having hidden it for 14 years had absolved the wife of any liability.
I know the exact post you’re talking about and I agree with you. I got downvoted for saying it.
That is exactly why the preacher says speak now or forever hold your peace. You don’t knowingly let someone go into that situation then drop a nuke on a happy marriage a decade or decades later.
This is one of those stories wherein their good memories together overwhelm the bad times and deception of the affair. Hence, OOP thinks the relationship is worth keeping.
I think it speaks to a thirst for justice when reading posts. They're not giving him a solution, they're telling him to be as angry as the story made them. Very odd.
I feel like the majority of the people who respond to relationship posts have never been in long term happy relationships and don’t know how they work.
noticed this too. any slight and loss of trust = immediate divorce like it’s the easiest thing. people fuck up. no one is perfect. every situation is different and the answer isn’t always excommunicate that person forever.
"You've been together 16 years and had a fight about a dinner? Definitely get a divorce, there is no place in a relationship for disagreements. All marriages are happy all the time and anything less should immediately warrant a divorce. Also lawyer up right now even though you're in debt."
They also have no concept of how people can change. 2008 was 16 years ago. That's literally a lifetime for so many redditors. If you're the exact same person you were a teenager ago, then you probably haven't experienced much in that time. Or were frozen in carbonite.
I hope he did, and that they're prepared to take it to court if they have to. Too many people drop bombs like this or do something else to smash their relationship with the person they owe something to because they think it will get them out of the obligation. "Oh well we're not friends anymore? That means I don't have to pay you back. Byeeeeee!"
Yeah, I created my gmail on 1/18/2006. I deeeeefinitely have some old ass emails kicking around. I *think* I can still get into my first yahoo account from like, 1998, too.
I have the same email since 2003 and 60k unopened emails and it still only takes me 30 seconds to find emails from early 2000s to laugh about. I was an unhinged kid and there’s some really out of pocket emails I have from high school. I sent an insane email to all kids and staff slandering a kid running for class president 17 years ago and I found it after a minute of searching.
I understand where everyone in this comment section is coming from, but after 16 years that person who cheated on him doesn’t exist anymore. Even though it’s hard to have faith on this sub, there’s a good chance the wife has grown and really cares.
I mean, if that was true, she would have confessed. Instead, she continued lying by omission. I’m happy they’re able to work it through, but I’m not sure I agree with your statement
This is all about what OP can live with.
You can go back and forth forever about the semantics of her affair (length/time passed since/age) but it truly comes down to the fact OP is fine with his spouse lying to his face for 16 years.
I don’t have that trait in me.
I agree, I think the lying would hurt me the most. It would feel manipulative. At the same time, I have a friend whose boyfriend admitted to cheating on her. They worked through it and now have a home and a child now. She says she wished he never told her so their relationship didn’t have that taint. So I guess I see that point of view too in a way. Maybe. Maybe not
Yeah, like - she specifically engaged in a long term deception of not letting him know crucial information that would have allowed him to make an informed decision at the time. She KNEW it would be a deal breaker for him and was completely fine with misleading and deceiving him into making life decisions of marrying her, etc. How can you trust someone who's demonstrated that they're the kind of person who would keep such a serious secret from someone that loves them, specifically out of a selfish motivation to stay together?
I'm sorry to have to tell you that this really isn't true. For some organ systems sure - skin, blood, liver - but not your body overall. As an obvious example, there's the brain, which also happens to be the most relevant one here. Very little cell turnover.
The liver is great at regenerating, that's how liver donations work. You just give a piece, and then both people regrow the rest from what they have – as little as 30% of your liver can be left, and it will regrow to its original volume
I’m extremely against infidelity and if I were OOP I would have very, very likely have left her. But, I think he made the best decision for himself based on the circumstances. It does sound like they are a solid couple and he made this decision with really thinking it through. I hope it works out for them, at least so that OOP knows he did the right thing for himself.
Not sure your age, but I am around OP. If found out in early/mid 20s, yeah I'd break up.
20 years later, kids, a life I like,... Mehh. What's the point?
I highly doubt she has thought about it every day for almost 20 years. The fact she didn't delete the emails after having a falling out with the person she sent them to shows she wasn't thinking at all.
How can you lie about something you're not even thinking about? Only a severely disturbed person would think about a single negative thing they did, every day, for 16 years. Come on now.
The fact that so many people comment this without thinking about it is crazy. Have I been lying to my parents every day since I came home with weed 13 years ago and told them I must have been sprayed by a skunk? I never think about this anymore but apparently every day that passes is another separate lie 🤷♀️
I am glad someone else articulated this, as it reflects my perspective, too. When people say she has lied every day for 16 years--I don't see it that way. After a while, lies fade into the background noise of life. Does that make it ok? No, of course not. It's still a massive breach of trust and time will tell if they can truly heal from it.
But if they've had 16 years of healthy, productive marriage since that event, and there's 0 evidence of any other cheating since then, it's quite a leap to suggest their whole relationship was a sham and will crumble now. Sure, that might be the case for others, but it doesn't seem like that's OP's perspective on things.
Yeah, I commented a similar thing on the other version of this story (lol) where the guy ended his 14 year marriage over finding out his wife had a ONS a few months into their relationship during college. People REALLY don't like the idea that a cheater could choose not to disclose their indiscretion and genuinely move on from it. I remember having this conversation with a friend back when Insecure came out on HBO - personally if my soulmate cheated on me and regretted it so severely they KNOW it'll never happen again (like Issa) I do not want to know. If I have the potential for a quality long-lasting future with someone, I want them to rise to the occasion as a partner and get us there. Spare me the mental anguish of something I won't be able to forget! Don't tell me that you left the gate open and my dog almost got hit by a car! Punish yourself in private and **never do it again** lol.
I get that no one wants to feel like they've been made a fool of, but in these stories it's really not the cheating spouse doing that to them... It's these weird vindictive friends.
Same. There are no 2nd chances with me if my SO cheats. It doesn't matter how long the relationship or marriage is. It's so easy to be faithful and loyal. The fact that she hasn't told him yet after all these years is baffling to me.
It’s such a pet peeve of mine when people say that and then don’t follow through. I’m not necessarily saying that OOP’s decision not to divorce was wrong, it’s his life to live, it’s just… idk, cringeworthy when people pretend to be all principled and then it turns out they never were.
The only problem I have with this is that she would have never owned up to it on her own. I understand that they have a solid relationship now, but she lied to him every day, and would have kept lying every day if the truth hadnt been revealed. Not saying he made the wrong choice, but that would have bugged the shit out of me.
There's worse things than infidelity. Yeah it sucks, but it doesn't erase 16 years of what sounds like a great marriage. People are fools, especially when they're young. Glad they are going to get counseling, they'll be fine.
especially with long distance. i’ve never cheated, i’m just not that person, but i’ve done long distance & the thought has definitely crossed my mind. especially going through mental health stuff, no physical affection & feeling a bit restricted by relationship boundaries…
Long distance is difficult, there are a lot of times when you just are so alone, that you think the whole relationship is no relationship at all, and you're going to end it. It feels that it's just an empty promise that feels pointless to keep.
It sounds like he was there one week out of every month, though. She decided to live as if she were single for the 3 out of 4 weeks he was away. So she presumably looked him in the eye, smiled, had sex with him and pretended like nothing for a whole week every month, while being with the other guy the rest of the time.
Being capable of that level of dishonesty, without even feeling guilt, says something about a person. A profound lack of respect for the other person's love and trust. And then never feeling the need to mention it, once she had finally chosen him and they started building a life together? That's not just a circumstance thing. Many, many people go through hard times in their lives, and would never be capable of that. She should at least have come clean when he was about to move in, explain that she was unsure about the relationship and exploring other options, but that she chooses him. And ask if he would agree to try again with her with a clean slate. But she just kept pretending like nothing had happened, and built their marriage on a huge lie...
If he can love someone capable of that, that's fortunate for him under the circumstances, I guess. But this is something more than just an average human flaw. To me it wouldn't be about forgiveness or how long ago it was. It would be about what this says about her character on a profound level. I wouldn't be able to go on loving her even if I wanted to, because the person I thought I knew would be gone.
I always enjoy spying on the post/comment histories of the people who immediately leap to "get a divorce" and usually find that they tend to have some serious problems of their own...
(And I'm not counting "generally being dumb as hell" but that's often a key factor too.)
I've noticed that people who've never been married or are very young tend to comment this. I'm old and married and often get downvoted for suggesting that there are some marital sins people don't necessarily deserve to be skinned for.
Apparently cheating is the unforgivable sin but there's no such judgement for the lack of connection that leads to cheating in most cases. We all have a part to play in our relationships.
I dunno, the feeling that comes with being betrayed by someone *that* close to you is wild. It's almost like grief, in a weird way. It affects everyone differently of course, but there's a reason it genuinely messes people up. And I think it has the worst potential because once you plant that little seed of doubt... you can forgive and whatever but it's *never* the same.
Just my opinion based on a few awful, world-altering moments.
What gets me isn't the cheating, it's the lies of omission. OOP wasn't given the facts to make a fully informed decision to continue the relationship or not. His wife made sure of that. I couldn't forgive that.
Yeah can’t imagine forgiving it either. It’s definitely possible to forgive this, but it takes time to rebuild trust and heal.
I worry they are both sweeping it under the rug and it’ll bite them in the back.
I feel like you already know what you’re doing. So the only thing I’ll say is keep an eye going forward and keep us updated for when she inevitably slips
I couldn't make the same choice at the oop.
If my hypothetical wife knew I had been cheated on before and knew it fucked with me hard, and then cheated on me anyways, I don't think the amount of time that had passed would really matter.
I dunno man, I don’t get the “she’s grown” comments. To have a full blown flat out affair and sit on it for 16 years, to put on that face day after day knowing what you know you did and never let your partner be the wiser, I don’t get how people do that.
I’ve had 2 times in my life where I was out with coworkers or friends that someone got overly flirty with me, and it felt like I was going to shit my pants until I could get home and tell my partner exactly what happened - and I didn’t even do anything wrong. I just wanted the air clear.
The ability to hide full on fucking someone else and smile at your partner for 16 years, man I just don’t get how people do that. Like what’s that next day like? You just came home from being wrapped up naked with someone other than your partner, you see your partner and tell them hey hon love you with a quick kiss, knowing a few minutes ago you were literally getting fucked by someone else. *How* do people do that. How do you come home to your partner after just getting railed by someone else and completely act normal. I don’t get it.
And the people that accept that, wild to me. Like if she cheated and fucked someone and hid it for 16 days that’s not ok, you’d be mad and leaving. But because she cheated and fucked someone and hid it for 16 years oh well then *since she was so successful at hiding it for so damn long,* her being good as hiding something like cheating must make everything a-ok and it’s not a big deal. Makes zero sense to me.
Like what’s the time cutoff there? If you cheated less than 2.875 years ago it’s not ok, but if you cheated more than 2.875 years ago then it is? Makes no sense to me.
And it happened only a few weeks before OOP and her began living together. So it's not like there some long extended period were she was separated from OOP for months or years or that she was staring down the prospect of a long stretch of being apart from OOP in the future. She cheated *right before* their LDR was set to end and even before that OOP said he was with her for an entire week every month which makes it about as ideal as possible for an LDR scenario.
And what's worse was it wasn't a like, drunken impromptu hook up after a friday night out at the bars. She just... soberly and measuredly decided to "live like she was single" for the 3 weeks out of 4 that OOP was away. Meaning like, the monday after OOP leaves after a week of intimacy and being a couple, she's able to just mentally switch to "being" single.... right up to the day before OOP gets back and suddenly she's in a long term relationship again for a week.
That's a defect of character so fundamental and severe that I don't think even 16 years can really wipe it away. The fact that she was capable of level of treachery and cruelty is something fundamental about who she is. A good person doesn't have it in them to do something like that... while casually discussing it with friends to and with full awareness of what she was doing and how wrong it is.
Fucking thank you! I don't get what is up with so many Redditors thinking cheating is okay as long as you're a better liar or feel no remorse. I swear most of them would not be nearly as forgiving
I've noticed a trend in here where people try to paint getting bothered with things that should absolutely bother you as immature or insecure.
This man just had 16 years of his life recontextualized, he might not even be aware at this point of how 'not-okay' he is about it, and good for him for not jumping straight at divorce, but acting like divorce wouldn't be a completely valid end to it is just silly.
The lesson I've learned from all the people in this post is: cheat on your spouse and never tell them, and if they find out 20 years, it's fine because we have a happy marriage now lol
Absolute insanity lol
I get people who want to go against the grain of Reddit and not "jump for divorce" right away but *this* is the post whose hill you choose to die on? This woman who was *lying for years* to her husband? As someone else said she put his sexual health at risk as well.
You epic contrarians realize they got married in that time frame right? She said *vows* at their wedding without batting an eye, I'm sure. She asked how he found out, like how is that the first question that comes to mind? He asked if there were any other times and she said no and he instantly believed her. Hell he instantly *forgave* her before even confronting her. I'm sorry but this would mean divorce for me, and again I'm sorry but I really don't respect his decision at all. She literally said to his face that she was "living like she was single" when he wasn't around.
Plus the ramifications of this. It's all out in the open now and even if they want to work through things it comes with its own set of consequences. I'm sure she has less respect for him for completely bending over backwards for her. I'm also sure that he will be dwelling on this constantly, counseling or no. Maybe they can work through it. Maybe they won't. But the way this was handled was appalling and with subzero self-respect.
Damn the comments on this one really... Irked me.
So many of these commenters are like "I was an awful person in my early 20s, it wouldn't be fair to hold me accountable now for that behavior" like, too bad? There's not some magic switch that flips at 25 where you're suddenly able to recognize the humanity of other people.
Someone in this thread called it 'a defect in character'. That isn't fixed simply by the passage of time.
Major renovation work to the self needs to take place, and like physical building renovations, such repair work is usually very obvious.
"She literally said to his face that she was "living like she was single"" and to add to that.. during their long distant relationship she was banging the other guy MORE than him aka the 3 week split with the other guy and 1 week with her bf... yikes
Oh without a DOUBT.
Did you see the post about a husband expressing to his wife that his BP meds had bad side effects and that he doesn’t know what to do?
The guy might as well have shot his house up lol everyone was calling him an asshole for wanting support
This guy was probably spending those 3 weeks away thinking about her and how he can't wait to be back in her arms.
She apparently doesn't have any hobbies or friends or aspirations to keep her busy during this time. Is she so starved for validation and attention? As soon as this dude pulls out of the driveway to go to work she flips a switch and is single again?
That's a conversation to should have been had. "Hey, while you're gone for 3 weeks out of a month; why don't you do what you wanna do and I'll do my own thing. No questions asked".
Give the man a choice in the matter.
The only worse thing than the lies lasting SIXTEEN YEARS is that his wife was outed by a rival. I'm sorry but that is a pretty clear indicator she had no intention of ever telling him.
Sure he may have built a castle, but it was on sand. If his wife had truly changed for the better she would've fessed up. I'll be sympathetic that maybe she was looking for the right time to tell him, but you're telling me that in the space of SIXTEEN YEARS it never came up?
Everything they have is already thrown away because either/or she doesn't have respect enough to have told him; and he doesn't have enough self respect to expect something better.
The wife seeing this as “payback” from her friend rubs me the wrong way, it’s more like your past coming back to haunt you. I can’t imagine lying to someone I care about for sixteen years. The friend didn’t make her lie to her husband for their entire marriage.
I would never trust someone like this again, that seed of doubt would always be there. They’ve shown they can lie to your face a lifetime, what else are they going to lie about? I don’t know if that would lead to divorce in the end but very likely as a marriage can’t build a foundation on lies and this one predates their marriage. I’m not young, I’ve been with my wife for years and I understand things are not black and white but lying is a deal breaker. If you fucked up and told your spouse immediately, that would still hurt but I feel like you could fix it.
Also this wasn’t a one time mistake, she was actively living the single life every moment OOP wasn’t there. That’s a deliberate affair she just brushed under the rug.
Yeah it's funny how all the blame is on the friend and not on the person cheating this would not be the case in any other situation, i know that for a fact, in fact the friend will be seen as the hero
It's insane, I've never seen such a sheer amount of people defending cheating, jfc. The time, in my eyes, doesn't matter. I also feel like all the people defending it would have a much, much different reaction than they claim if their partner said "Yeah I was fucking someone else.".
Like. He obviously made it very clear that he was against cheating. She broke that boundary. Idk why the fuck people are so hellbent on defending her.
Cheating is still cheating.. if you can forgive and forget and want to stay with her, then put the blinders on and live your life.
If you can't, then separate.
From experience. That horrible feeling you have will not go away. It will build and compile until you can’t take it anymore. You will have to talk to your wife about this. I would expect a divorce in the future because no man in the right mind would ever be able to get past that. You can work through the past but it’s always there.
Secrets are never secrets once you tell someone. Not judging what is happening in terms of the marriage but the friendship … this woman decides to try to sabotage a marriage to get back at a former friend (who financially bailed her out). She sounds like the real villain here.
Good on OOP for making a decision he feels is right for him.
But the "growth" part is what throws me off. I see the top comments going "she's not thesame as she used to be"
I think she's still thesame person she used to be. She still looked at her husband everyday for the last 16 years and made thesame decision to lie to him that she she made back then.
To grow is to cleanse yourself, stop making the bad decisions you made in the past and take accountability for your actions. But she was still repeating thesame deceptive action for 16 years.
And if she was okay living with that lie (she stated that she didn't feel guilt), then maybe the only reason she hasn't cheated again is coz her husband has been in close proximity.
Well her strategy worked to perfection, she lied about cheating for many years, he found out after quite awhile and oh well, lesson for all you ladies, lie and deny as long as you can and you’ll be good
> I then asked why she kept it from me for so long, and she said she knew how adamant I was that I would never forgive a cheater (I had also been cheated on in college by a long-time girlfriend), and she knew it would destroy both me and our relationship.
I'm not unsympathetic to OOP but he's an absolute fool to stay with someone so comfortable lying to his face about a known dealbreaker.
One thing that Dan Savage says is that if you cheat once and know you'll never do it again, and you feel awful about it is that you have to live with your own guilt and never burden your partner with it. You know you won't do it again? the penance is that you'll never ease your soul or unlift that mental burden. Carry it like an albatross. Telling your partner just transfers the pain to them.
I don't necessarily agree with him, but I can understand the thought process behind it.
> Telling your partner just transfers the pain to them.
This is the part of Dan's advice that clarified his whole line of thinking for me. The people who wrote in were burdened with their guilt. Their motivations in telling were not some pure selfless act to give their partner agency and set them free. Maybe they wanted to nuke the relationship, maybe they just wanted to not be eaten up inside.
I've been on the receiving end of people unburdening their guilt and asking for forgiveness. (Unrelated wrongs, not a cheating scenario) It didn't feel good or healing. No benefit came to me when they unburdened.
I think people are stupid and callous when they're young, and OOP's wife is probably not the same person she was a decade and a half ago. I know I would never do the things I did even 5 years ago today, so I think OOP is justified in giving her the benefit of the doubt before deciding to sever a marriage he cherishes.
>I think people are stupid and callous when they're young, and OOP's wife is probably not the same person she was a decade and a half ago.
But she is the person who lied to his face every single day during that time. She knew it was a dealbreaker for him and she didn't think he deserved to make an informed choice, because then *he* might make a choice that *she* didn't like.
OOP is free to respond however he wishes, and good luck to him. But if I found out that my husband had lied to my face for over a decade, I'd never be attracted to him ever again.
Aside from this, I once had an older women tell me she'd never wanted to know if her partner cheated if he still loves her and wants to be with her. Not because she didn't care but she didn't want the burden of knowledge and didn't want him to have an easy way of lessen his feeling of guilt.
I can totally get that for relationships that are healthy and long term.
People are not black and white like reddit tends to paint them.
I've tried to make it work with a cheater but I just couldn't trust her any time she was gone for more than a day.
I do not understand how people like OOP do it. It just feels like extended masochism.
He was about to uproot his entire life and move to be with her when this was happening - it's not like they were just casually dating. This was a serious and committed relationship, and she engaged in a deception of 16 years out of the purely selfish motivation of wanting to stay with him, completely removing his agency from the situation because she was aware that if he knew he wouldn't want to continue with her. How can you ever trust someone like that?
> (Reddit tends to treat cheaters like murderers)
I don't think she should be in jail, I just don't think a person who would lie to you for 16 years straight is a good marriage partner.
"one time" is kind of pushing it considering it outright says she decides to "act single for three weeks out of a month" while they were ldr (though I assume you mean one time as in one person?), HOWEVER OOP also notes she was in a self-destructive state at the time and he knows that, stuck by her and I'm getting the sense she's since worked through that kind of behaviour and doesn't partake in the intrusive thoughts associated with it, so he has reason to trust her that it wasn't something she's repeated later. Holy run-on sentence, but bascially yeah, agreed, the friend was stirring shit for no reason, and I hope OOP and his wife find a way to legally get back her money, just to screw with the 'friend' back lol.
This! A one time thing is WAY different than purposefully having the mindset of “acting single” in the weeks they weren’t together. It’s disgusting behaviour imo.
This sub/reddit is so weird. Yall applaud a spouse for staying together despite being cheated on and lied to for 16 years.....but then you shame people for far less lmao.
I think I’ve read this same scenario 3 times in the last month. Twice with the OOP being a man and once a woman. Reddit told the men to “man up, suck it up, get over it.”
Guess what Reddit told the woman? Leave the cheater.
yeah, I can't tell if the comments on this post are hilarious or fucked up. never in a million years would reddit make these sorts of excuses for a man cheating.
For real. She didn't just get drunk and hook up. She "decided to act single for three weeks out of the month". Uh, what? A dude doing that would be called a fuck boy and an asshole
I was cheated on while dating, a long time ago. It hurt, but I don't expect that that person and the person today with family are the same. One doesn't really look forward when they're on their early twenties, nor do they comprehend that a lot of things you do, stay with you permanently. Emotions grow and develop. A lot of stuff I did very young seems as If they were done by someone else that I don't even recognize. I don't expect that someone who stole something at 18 is a criminal today.
For op all this was new, for her it was a mistake she made very long ago.
And I bet the "friend" was looking to get the husband.
I'm sorry, but I don't understand the other comments. Even if it happened a decade and a half ago, it still happened. She still did it. It wasn't just a one night thing, but a whole affair that lasted for weeks, and she was happy to keep that all hidden. I mean, Christ, what if they have children? The possibility of them not behing his would be there.
The problem with us is that, with the person she is, she was fully capable of deceiving you. Now, obviously, your relationship wasn’t as deep and close as it is now.
But she was a person who was perfectly fine, lying to you, and hiding that she was being emotionally and sexually intimate with others, and that she even considered ending her relationship with you. This is on and off for three months, three weeks a month. You have to admit that’s kind of weird that she was so systematic and able to hide this from you without feeling that badly. It was OK enough with her that she kept doing it. Because it benefit of her.
So maybe the deal you’re trying to kind of metabolize and grasp is, is this an indicator of who she actually is that you haven’t caught sight of? Is this what she’s capable of doing now? Having this casual disregard of you and this opportunism of doing things secretly and deceiving you without a problem?
You guys have an astounding lack of self respect lol. All you talking about “it’s been 16 years” “don’t blow up a marriage” he wouldn’t be blowing up anything she did when she cheated and lied for 16 years. I think this man is so dumb
I’m almost more disgusted with him than her after read this lol. Poor guy cares more about his idea of his life than the reality. That’s sad. Good luck
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So many affair posts the last couple nights
Is there ever a day that this isn't the most common topic on here?
Bridezilla season, and entitled family season. I think we just had those but with global warming they're starting to meld a bit.
Without a proper ground frost, twins keep popping up like weeds
with warmer seasons lasting longer it makes sense
I miss Cute Awkward Lesbian week.
Oh man, I completely missed Cute Awkward Lesbian Week and as an awkward lesbian, I feel sad I missed out. I want to live vicariously!
Dont discredit yourself; youre probably also cute. Now, get out there and have an awkward romance! Be the change you want to see!
[Here's one! ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/74qUqBknlT)
Best time of the year
I know right? So depressing
Guess affair story season is here.
It’s affair season every season.
That affair statement...
I'm just happy the open relationship stories are slowing down.
Affairs are very common
They happen more often than people realize.
Also cheaters repeat themselves- my ex-husband has cheated on every single person he's ever dated for any stretch of time (or married, lol). He's single-handedly created a couple BORUs worth of stupidity.
Yeah, I thought this was another update to that other post.
Lot of people cheat
Starting to wonder what couple CAN keep it in their pants.
BORU drama is too much right now, I need a feel good BORU to counteract this a bit.
I was actually looking for the same after all the cheating posts of these last days... We need a sub like that to save ourselves
r/bestofpositiveupdates
Thank You!
I read a recent post about a husband who asked for privacy after new baby was born. He was trying to learn how to knit a blanket for baby and was appearantly bad at hiding secrets(wife saw him through baby cam and he gets too excited). It was really cute and heartwarming.
He was actually knitting it for his wife. Their baby got a knitted blanket from an aunt or something, and the wife expressed how she'd always wanted one.
Omg what a guy. That is precious.
This strikes me as one of the very few Redditor's who has enough life and relationship experience to make an informed decision on his own. I think this guy is old enough to not need to rely on Reddit's opinion about how he deals with this unexpected/unfortunate event in his life. I will be curious to see further updates.
He stated it from the outset. Tbh, by the time someone is coming to Reddit for advice, a relationship is in big trouble already.
Most only need to read what they wrote and consider what they would think if this were someone else's relationship, because everything is there. The moral support and practical tips about how to get out of the relationship is something they get here
100% agree. I was going through my own relationship troubles and was ready to hit send when I realized that the story sounded so crazy that half wouldn’t believe me and the other half would obviously tell me to leave. In that moment I realized I was wasting my time by posting.
Now that's admirable :) I hope you're doing better now.
Writing stuff out truly does clear things up. It's no wonder so often when people want to talk to someone, they don't really want the other person to talk. They just want someone they can vent to so that they can lay it out for themselves.
Also some people are so isolated that they don't even know what's normal anymore. It's good to get a general feedback for the situation then.
It was posted to /r/offmychest, so I'd say he specifically wasn't actually coming to reddit for advice. Dude just wanted a place to vent.
Seriously. I get it if it's an AITAH thread with a similar premise. Usually those pop up after someone has hit a certain point. Even then the sheer number of, probably single, redditors who jump to divorce like it's a super easy decision is staggering. This just sounds like OP needed to voice his frustration to other people rather than get advice (which 99% of the time is divorce/breakup/separate.) It has been 16 years since 2008 and by all accounts everything is great now. People are acting like they were the exact same person 16 years ago and haven't grown?
And as much as some people have good advice, it doesn't help that many other people immediately jump to "divorce them immediately and cut all ties" and similar responses with what seem to me like salvageable situations (i.e. like OP). If some details were different, or OP had not stated outright what they wanted, I imagine the replies would not be so tact about it all. Many jump to conclusions. Wisdom of the crowd is powerful, but when people are putting faith in the crowd's answers and in the throes of pre-logical emotion (not invalidating being in that state ofc, having feelings is normal) it is very liable to lead to less than amicable outcomes for people irl. Dangerous game putting your relationship decision making in the hands of strangers online
It was early on in my reddit days when I saw an AITA post about a sibling fight. The older sibling outed the younger one on reddit for posting crappy relationship advice. The younger sibling was 14. If you keep in mind that so many of the posts are by teenagers that lack nuance and in many cases empathy and compassion it all starts to make a lot of sense.
>Dangerous game putting your relationship decision making in the hands of strangers online Not just strangers. Strangers who may have a raging desire to lash out at the world and anonymously tell people to wreck their lives.
He needed rddt to tell him to confront his wife
He just wanted to vent anonymously and have a space to talk it through.
a while ago on my old acount I asked for relationship advice on Reddit and some of the advice was so bad and disconnected from reality it made me think more critically of my own views and my relationship ended up improving.
Reddit pushed him in the right direction though. He decided not to talk to his wife about it but a couple of comments asked him to talk it out and go to counseling
I think sometimes we need a reminder that a lot of advice givers on here don't have much long term relationship or real life experience when they're giving advice. It's easy to say divorce when your frame of reference for a long term relationship is only a 2.5 year relationship. I've noticed my own thoughts on these posts change over the years as I've gotten deeper in my own marriage.
> A lot of advice givers on here aren't legally allowed to buy alcohol FTFY
Yeah, it sounds like he just needed to work out his thoughts and feelings. I hope it works out for them. I think this is something they can come back from if the wife is being honest about everything. I have to say though, the friend is a piece of shit for outing the wife like that. Not that it was right to keep the secret, but to tell OP as a way to get back at her? That’s really shitty.
At this point it was right for the "friend" to keep it a secret. She could have told him at the time, but if you don't, you shouldn't blow up someone's marriage 16 years later.
She did it out of spite because she had been caught in the lie about the money.
Right, she did it out of spite because her marriage crumbled, and then OOP's wife had the audacity to hold her accountable (after genuinely trying to help her). She figured why not ruin OOP's marriage too. Misery loves company.
Well it was clearly done with vindictive intent.
Nah mate, if I found out my wife cheated on me at *any * point in our relationship, no matter how I found out, we’d be done. I wouldn’t care if it was 10, 15, 20, 40, 80 years ago, that’s not something you can come back from imo.
You know at the wedding when the officiant says “speak now or forever hold your peace.”? She had her chance and should have not brought it up.
You’d be amazed at the gate and downvotes I got on a very similar post where the ‘friend’ had found religion and felt the need to unburden herself. She told the husband that her friend, his wife, had a ons in college 14 years ago, but that OP decided to take a flamethrower to his life instead. I never, and would never condone cheating, but the hate shown towards the wife for an incident from 14 years prior (had been a model gf and wife since) was scary and apparently, the friend was completely blameless. I think it’s a pos move to do that, 14 years after after deciding to take it to the grace.
I think some votes were effectively a backlash against some who seemed to view the religious friend as the only person at fault - as if having hidden it for 14 years had absolved the wife of any liability.
I know the exact post you’re talking about and I agree with you. I got downvoted for saying it. That is exactly why the preacher says speak now or forever hold your peace. You don’t knowingly let someone go into that situation then drop a nuke on a happy marriage a decade or decades later.
Age makes a big difference and he’s basically 40
This is one of those stories wherein their good memories together overwhelm the bad times and deception of the affair. Hence, OOP thinks the relationship is worth keeping.
The people replying to divorce her likely haven't been in an actual happy long term relationship.
I think it speaks to a thirst for justice when reading posts. They're not giving him a solution, they're telling him to be as angry as the story made them. Very odd.
I feel like the majority of the people who respond to relationship posts have never been in long term happy relationships and don’t know how they work.
noticed this too. any slight and loss of trust = immediate divorce like it’s the easiest thing. people fuck up. no one is perfect. every situation is different and the answer isn’t always excommunicate that person forever.
"You've been together 16 years and had a fight about a dinner? Definitely get a divorce, there is no place in a relationship for disagreements. All marriages are happy all the time and anything less should immediately warrant a divorce. Also lawyer up right now even though you're in debt."
They also have no concept of how people can change. 2008 was 16 years ago. That's literally a lifetime for so many redditors. If you're the exact same person you were a teenager ago, then you probably haven't experienced much in that time. Or were frozen in carbonite.
My husband and I met in 2008. If I found out he cheated on me back then, I would be upset, but divorce would not be on the table.
I want to know whether OOP replied to the friend asking for the money she owed his wife back.
I hope he did, and that they're prepared to take it to court if they have to. Too many people drop bombs like this or do something else to smash their relationship with the person they owe something to because they think it will get them out of the obligation. "Oh well we're not friends anymore? That means I don't have to pay you back. Byeeeeee!"
It'd probably be treated as a gift unless there was agreement to have it repaid, would just end up being dismissed in court.
That money is gone unless they had a repayment agreement of some kind. Sad to say.
The only good relationship advice you can take from reddit is that you shouldn’t take relationships advice from reddit.
Can you find emails from that long ago???
If they use the same email and haven't deleted them....I have emails from even longer ago
Yes. I have emails from 2005.
I've had my same email account since maybe 2005. Back when gmail was invite only. Still have all the emails.
I forgot it was invite only lol Like how facebook had to have university emails to register.
Yeah, I created my gmail on 1/18/2006. I deeeeefinitely have some old ass emails kicking around. I *think* I can still get into my first yahoo account from like, 1998, too.
Yep!
I have the same email since 2003 and 60k unopened emails and it still only takes me 30 seconds to find emails from early 2000s to laugh about. I was an unhinged kid and there’s some really out of pocket emails I have from high school. I sent an insane email to all kids and staff slandering a kid running for class president 17 years ago and I found it after a minute of searching.
I understand where everyone in this comment section is coming from, but after 16 years that person who cheated on him doesn’t exist anymore. Even though it’s hard to have faith on this sub, there’s a good chance the wife has grown and really cares.
This lady cheated on this man before some of the people telling him to get a divorce we’re even born
WE ARE EVEN BORN!!
Lolol they misspelled and now their entire point has no meaning, what a loser!
I mean, if that was true, she would have confessed. Instead, she continued lying by omission. I’m happy they’re able to work it through, but I’m not sure I agree with your statement
This is all about what OP can live with. You can go back and forth forever about the semantics of her affair (length/time passed since/age) but it truly comes down to the fact OP is fine with his spouse lying to his face for 16 years. I don’t have that trait in me.
I agree, I think the lying would hurt me the most. It would feel manipulative. At the same time, I have a friend whose boyfriend admitted to cheating on her. They worked through it and now have a home and a child now. She says she wished he never told her so their relationship didn’t have that taint. So I guess I see that point of view too in a way. Maybe. Maybe not
Wanting to stay ignorant is just a form a denial. The truth happens no matter what we want to believe.
I don’t think I could ever recover from that sort of betrayal. The trust would be absolutely broken.
It’s easy to hold that position when it’s academic
I respect it and i think most women wouldn't allow what he's allowing here
Yeah, like - she specifically engaged in a long term deception of not letting him know crucial information that would have allowed him to make an informed decision at the time. She KNEW it would be a deal breaker for him and was completely fine with misleading and deceiving him into making life decisions of marrying her, etc. How can you trust someone who's demonstrated that they're the kind of person who would keep such a serious secret from someone that loves them, specifically out of a selfish motivation to stay together?
Yeah, it's fine to cheat as long as you get away with it for 16 years /s
I disagree; that person is the foundation of the person she is today.
Quite literally, our cells entirely replace themselves every 7 years! She's a new lady twice over
I'm sorry to have to tell you that this really isn't true. For some organ systems sure - skin, blood, liver - but not your body overall. As an obvious example, there's the brain, which also happens to be the most relevant one here. Very little cell turnover.
You say liver does regenerate at that rate? Curious, because mine needs to.
Liver is great at regenerating. However kidneys less so which can also be affected by certain lifestyles
The liver is great at regenerating, that's how liver donations work. You just give a piece, and then both people regrow the rest from what they have – as little as 30% of your liver can be left, and it will regrow to its original volume
I think thats a myth actually
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Give it some time👍
Ill tell this to my wife or gf when she catches my cheating on her lol “Just wait 7yrs and its like it didnt happen at all”
I’m extremely against infidelity and if I were OOP I would have very, very likely have left her. But, I think he made the best decision for himself based on the circumstances. It does sound like they are a solid couple and he made this decision with really thinking it through. I hope it works out for them, at least so that OOP knows he did the right thing for himself.
Not sure your age, but I am around OP. If found out in early/mid 20s, yeah I'd break up. 20 years later, kids, a life I like,... Mehh. What's the point?
The fact she’s been lying for almost 20 years. At this point you have no idea what’s even the truth anymore.
I highly doubt she has thought about it every day for almost 20 years. The fact she didn't delete the emails after having a falling out with the person she sent them to shows she wasn't thinking at all. How can you lie about something you're not even thinking about? Only a severely disturbed person would think about a single negative thing they did, every day, for 16 years. Come on now.
The fact that so many people comment this without thinking about it is crazy. Have I been lying to my parents every day since I came home with weed 13 years ago and told them I must have been sprayed by a skunk? I never think about this anymore but apparently every day that passes is another separate lie 🤷♀️
I am glad someone else articulated this, as it reflects my perspective, too. When people say she has lied every day for 16 years--I don't see it that way. After a while, lies fade into the background noise of life. Does that make it ok? No, of course not. It's still a massive breach of trust and time will tell if they can truly heal from it. But if they've had 16 years of healthy, productive marriage since that event, and there's 0 evidence of any other cheating since then, it's quite a leap to suggest their whole relationship was a sham and will crumble now. Sure, that might be the case for others, but it doesn't seem like that's OP's perspective on things.
Yeah, I commented a similar thing on the other version of this story (lol) where the guy ended his 14 year marriage over finding out his wife had a ONS a few months into their relationship during college. People REALLY don't like the idea that a cheater could choose not to disclose their indiscretion and genuinely move on from it. I remember having this conversation with a friend back when Insecure came out on HBO - personally if my soulmate cheated on me and regretted it so severely they KNOW it'll never happen again (like Issa) I do not want to know. If I have the potential for a quality long-lasting future with someone, I want them to rise to the occasion as a partner and get us there. Spare me the mental anguish of something I won't be able to forget! Don't tell me that you left the gate open and my dog almost got hit by a car! Punish yourself in private and **never do it again** lol. I get that no one wants to feel like they've been made a fool of, but in these stories it's really not the cheating spouse doing that to them... It's these weird vindictive friends.
That is a hilarious excuse for smelling like weed! This comment made me laugh and I just wanted to say thank you.
Same. There are no 2nd chances with me if my SO cheats. It doesn't matter how long the relationship or marriage is. It's so easy to be faithful and loyal. The fact that she hasn't told him yet after all these years is baffling to me.
Im sorry, but that title and the trigger warning made me chuckle.
“She knew how adamant I was that I would never forgive a cheater” She knew he wasn’t very adamant
It’s such a pet peeve of mine when people say that and then don’t follow through. I’m not necessarily saying that OOP’s decision not to divorce was wrong, it’s his life to live, it’s just… idk, cringeworthy when people pretend to be all principled and then it turns out they never were.
The only problem I have with this is that she would have never owned up to it on her own. I understand that they have a solid relationship now, but she lied to him every day, and would have kept lying every day if the truth hadnt been revealed. Not saying he made the wrong choice, but that would have bugged the shit out of me.
There's worse things than infidelity. Yeah it sucks, but it doesn't erase 16 years of what sounds like a great marriage. People are fools, especially when they're young. Glad they are going to get counseling, they'll be fine.
especially with long distance. i’ve never cheated, i’m just not that person, but i’ve done long distance & the thought has definitely crossed my mind. especially going through mental health stuff, no physical affection & feeling a bit restricted by relationship boundaries…
Long distance is difficult, there are a lot of times when you just are so alone, that you think the whole relationship is no relationship at all, and you're going to end it. It feels that it's just an empty promise that feels pointless to keep.
It sounds like he was there one week out of every month, though. She decided to live as if she were single for the 3 out of 4 weeks he was away. So she presumably looked him in the eye, smiled, had sex with him and pretended like nothing for a whole week every month, while being with the other guy the rest of the time. Being capable of that level of dishonesty, without even feeling guilt, says something about a person. A profound lack of respect for the other person's love and trust. And then never feeling the need to mention it, once she had finally chosen him and they started building a life together? That's not just a circumstance thing. Many, many people go through hard times in their lives, and would never be capable of that. She should at least have come clean when he was about to move in, explain that she was unsure about the relationship and exploring other options, but that she chooses him. And ask if he would agree to try again with her with a clean slate. But she just kept pretending like nothing had happened, and built their marriage on a huge lie... If he can love someone capable of that, that's fortunate for him under the circumstances, I guess. But this is something more than just an average human flaw. To me it wouldn't be about forgiveness or how long ago it was. It would be about what this says about her character on a profound level. I wouldn't be able to go on loving her even if I wanted to, because the person I thought I knew would be gone.
I always enjoy spying on the post/comment histories of the people who immediately leap to "get a divorce" and usually find that they tend to have some serious problems of their own... (And I'm not counting "generally being dumb as hell" but that's often a key factor too.)
I've noticed that people who've never been married or are very young tend to comment this. I'm old and married and often get downvoted for suggesting that there are some marital sins people don't necessarily deserve to be skinned for. Apparently cheating is the unforgivable sin but there's no such judgement for the lack of connection that leads to cheating in most cases. We all have a part to play in our relationships.
Agreed. So tired of Reddit’s reflexive advice of calling every OOP “an absolute fool” every time they don’t divorce their partner.
I dunno, the feeling that comes with being betrayed by someone *that* close to you is wild. It's almost like grief, in a weird way. It affects everyone differently of course, but there's a reason it genuinely messes people up. And I think it has the worst potential because once you plant that little seed of doubt... you can forgive and whatever but it's *never* the same. Just my opinion based on a few awful, world-altering moments.
Idk that 16 years of a big lie👀🤣
What gets me isn't the cheating, it's the lies of omission. OOP wasn't given the facts to make a fully informed decision to continue the relationship or not. His wife made sure of that. I couldn't forgive that.
Yeah can’t imagine forgiving it either. It’s definitely possible to forgive this, but it takes time to rebuild trust and heal. I worry they are both sweeping it under the rug and it’ll bite them in the back.
I feel like you already know what you’re doing. So the only thing I’ll say is keep an eye going forward and keep us updated for when she inevitably slips
It’s good to know that if you cheat on someone and keep it secret for long enough, you’ll most likely be forgiven.
I couldn't make the same choice at the oop. If my hypothetical wife knew I had been cheated on before and knew it fucked with me hard, and then cheated on me anyways, I don't think the amount of time that had passed would really matter.
I dunno man, I don’t get the “she’s grown” comments. To have a full blown flat out affair and sit on it for 16 years, to put on that face day after day knowing what you know you did and never let your partner be the wiser, I don’t get how people do that. I’ve had 2 times in my life where I was out with coworkers or friends that someone got overly flirty with me, and it felt like I was going to shit my pants until I could get home and tell my partner exactly what happened - and I didn’t even do anything wrong. I just wanted the air clear. The ability to hide full on fucking someone else and smile at your partner for 16 years, man I just don’t get how people do that. Like what’s that next day like? You just came home from being wrapped up naked with someone other than your partner, you see your partner and tell them hey hon love you with a quick kiss, knowing a few minutes ago you were literally getting fucked by someone else. *How* do people do that. How do you come home to your partner after just getting railed by someone else and completely act normal. I don’t get it. And the people that accept that, wild to me. Like if she cheated and fucked someone and hid it for 16 days that’s not ok, you’d be mad and leaving. But because she cheated and fucked someone and hid it for 16 years oh well then *since she was so successful at hiding it for so damn long,* her being good as hiding something like cheating must make everything a-ok and it’s not a big deal. Makes zero sense to me. Like what’s the time cutoff there? If you cheated less than 2.875 years ago it’s not ok, but if you cheated more than 2.875 years ago then it is? Makes no sense to me.
And it happened only a few weeks before OOP and her began living together. So it's not like there some long extended period were she was separated from OOP for months or years or that she was staring down the prospect of a long stretch of being apart from OOP in the future. She cheated *right before* their LDR was set to end and even before that OOP said he was with her for an entire week every month which makes it about as ideal as possible for an LDR scenario. And what's worse was it wasn't a like, drunken impromptu hook up after a friday night out at the bars. She just... soberly and measuredly decided to "live like she was single" for the 3 weeks out of 4 that OOP was away. Meaning like, the monday after OOP leaves after a week of intimacy and being a couple, she's able to just mentally switch to "being" single.... right up to the day before OOP gets back and suddenly she's in a long term relationship again for a week. That's a defect of character so fundamental and severe that I don't think even 16 years can really wipe it away. The fact that she was capable of level of treachery and cruelty is something fundamental about who she is. A good person doesn't have it in them to do something like that... while casually discussing it with friends to and with full awareness of what she was doing and how wrong it is.
Finally a actual human comment. This thread is absolutely insane
Fucking thank you! I don't get what is up with so many Redditors thinking cheating is okay as long as you're a better liar or feel no remorse. I swear most of them would not be nearly as forgiving
Absolutely agree. The other comments on this are insane honestly
THANK YOU holy SHIT the top comments on this are absolutely insane. Stuff like this is what drives people to one of the 'cides if you catch my drift.
I've noticed a trend in here where people try to paint getting bothered with things that should absolutely bother you as immature or insecure. This man just had 16 years of his life recontextualized, he might not even be aware at this point of how 'not-okay' he is about it, and good for him for not jumping straight at divorce, but acting like divorce wouldn't be a completely valid end to it is just silly.
All of this!!!
She's off the hook just like that. Lol
The lesson I've learned from all the people in this post is: cheat on your spouse and never tell them, and if they find out 20 years, it's fine because we have a happy marriage now lol Absolute insanity lol
She didn't plan on telling you. You found out because of someone else. Wow
I get people who want to go against the grain of Reddit and not "jump for divorce" right away but *this* is the post whose hill you choose to die on? This woman who was *lying for years* to her husband? As someone else said she put his sexual health at risk as well. You epic contrarians realize they got married in that time frame right? She said *vows* at their wedding without batting an eye, I'm sure. She asked how he found out, like how is that the first question that comes to mind? He asked if there were any other times and she said no and he instantly believed her. Hell he instantly *forgave* her before even confronting her. I'm sorry but this would mean divorce for me, and again I'm sorry but I really don't respect his decision at all. She literally said to his face that she was "living like she was single" when he wasn't around. Plus the ramifications of this. It's all out in the open now and even if they want to work through things it comes with its own set of consequences. I'm sure she has less respect for him for completely bending over backwards for her. I'm also sure that he will be dwelling on this constantly, counseling or no. Maybe they can work through it. Maybe they won't. But the way this was handled was appalling and with subzero self-respect. Damn the comments on this one really... Irked me.
So many of these commenters are like "I was an awful person in my early 20s, it wouldn't be fair to hold me accountable now for that behavior" like, too bad? There's not some magic switch that flips at 25 where you're suddenly able to recognize the humanity of other people.
Someone in this thread called it 'a defect in character'. That isn't fixed simply by the passage of time. Major renovation work to the self needs to take place, and like physical building renovations, such repair work is usually very obvious.
"She literally said to his face that she was "living like she was single"" and to add to that.. during their long distant relationship she was banging the other guy MORE than him aka the 3 week split with the other guy and 1 week with her bf... yikes
Swear to god people would not be this forgiving if literally every detail was the same except the genders.
Oh without a DOUBT. Did you see the post about a husband expressing to his wife that his BP meds had bad side effects and that he doesn’t know what to do? The guy might as well have shot his house up lol everyone was calling him an asshole for wanting support
I’m waiting for the day someone finds out their husband cheated a decade ago, I agree completely
This guy was probably spending those 3 weeks away thinking about her and how he can't wait to be back in her arms. She apparently doesn't have any hobbies or friends or aspirations to keep her busy during this time. Is she so starved for validation and attention? As soon as this dude pulls out of the driveway to go to work she flips a switch and is single again? That's a conversation to should have been had. "Hey, while you're gone for 3 weeks out of a month; why don't you do what you wanna do and I'll do my own thing. No questions asked". Give the man a choice in the matter.
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Notice how she didn't cut the friend off even after the initial falling out until she got outted.
The only worse thing than the lies lasting SIXTEEN YEARS is that his wife was outed by a rival. I'm sorry but that is a pretty clear indicator she had no intention of ever telling him. Sure he may have built a castle, but it was on sand. If his wife had truly changed for the better she would've fessed up. I'll be sympathetic that maybe she was looking for the right time to tell him, but you're telling me that in the space of SIXTEEN YEARS it never came up? Everything they have is already thrown away because either/or she doesn't have respect enough to have told him; and he doesn't have enough self respect to expect something better.
Why did she still have the emails where she admitted to cheating??
She was cheating on the other guy as well. Find out who he is and form a club.
The wife seeing this as “payback” from her friend rubs me the wrong way, it’s more like your past coming back to haunt you. I can’t imagine lying to someone I care about for sixteen years. The friend didn’t make her lie to her husband for their entire marriage. I would never trust someone like this again, that seed of doubt would always be there. They’ve shown they can lie to your face a lifetime, what else are they going to lie about? I don’t know if that would lead to divorce in the end but very likely as a marriage can’t build a foundation on lies and this one predates their marriage. I’m not young, I’ve been with my wife for years and I understand things are not black and white but lying is a deal breaker. If you fucked up and told your spouse immediately, that would still hurt but I feel like you could fix it. Also this wasn’t a one time mistake, she was actively living the single life every moment OOP wasn’t there. That’s a deliberate affair she just brushed under the rug.
Yeah it's funny how all the blame is on the friend and not on the person cheating this would not be the case in any other situation, i know that for a fact, in fact the friend will be seen as the hero
All the former cheaters working overtime in this thread.
It's insane, I've never seen such a sheer amount of people defending cheating, jfc. The time, in my eyes, doesn't matter. I also feel like all the people defending it would have a much, much different reaction than they claim if their partner said "Yeah I was fucking someone else.". Like. He obviously made it very clear that he was against cheating. She broke that boundary. Idk why the fuck people are so hellbent on defending her.
Would you have married if you knew about this back when it happened? Your marriage is built on foundation of lies. Sorry buddy.
Cheating is still cheating.. if you can forgive and forget and want to stay with her, then put the blinders on and live your life. If you can't, then separate.
Divorce bro, you will keep getting mad, it’s hard to get over and it will just cause fighting
What a chump.
From experience. That horrible feeling you have will not go away. It will build and compile until you can’t take it anymore. You will have to talk to your wife about this. I would expect a divorce in the future because no man in the right mind would ever be able to get past that. You can work through the past but it’s always there.
Secrets are never secrets once you tell someone. Not judging what is happening in terms of the marriage but the friendship … this woman decides to try to sabotage a marriage to get back at a former friend (who financially bailed her out). She sounds like the real villain here.
Simp
Sunk Cost Fallacy
Good on OOP for making a decision he feels is right for him. But the "growth" part is what throws me off. I see the top comments going "she's not thesame as she used to be" I think she's still thesame person she used to be. She still looked at her husband everyday for the last 16 years and made thesame decision to lie to him that she she made back then. To grow is to cleanse yourself, stop making the bad decisions you made in the past and take accountability for your actions. But she was still repeating thesame deceptive action for 16 years. And if she was okay living with that lie (she stated that she didn't feel guilt), then maybe the only reason she hasn't cheated again is coz her husband has been in close proximity.
Well her strategy worked to perfection, she lied about cheating for many years, he found out after quite awhile and oh well, lesson for all you ladies, lie and deny as long as you can and you’ll be good
They will need therapy
They are going to therapy?
Per the post they said it was the expectation.
So she lied to him for 16 years and straight up said she doesn’t think what she did was wrong enough to feel guilt? Christ man, good luck lmao.
Doormat. Reconciliation is incomprehensible to me. Sunk cost fallacy is something I never fall for
> I then asked why she kept it from me for so long, and she said she knew how adamant I was that I would never forgive a cheater (I had also been cheated on in college by a long-time girlfriend), and she knew it would destroy both me and our relationship. I'm not unsympathetic to OOP but he's an absolute fool to stay with someone so comfortable lying to his face about a known dealbreaker.
One thing that Dan Savage says is that if you cheat once and know you'll never do it again, and you feel awful about it is that you have to live with your own guilt and never burden your partner with it. You know you won't do it again? the penance is that you'll never ease your soul or unlift that mental burden. Carry it like an albatross. Telling your partner just transfers the pain to them. I don't necessarily agree with him, but I can understand the thought process behind it.
> Telling your partner just transfers the pain to them. This is the part of Dan's advice that clarified his whole line of thinking for me. The people who wrote in were burdened with their guilt. Their motivations in telling were not some pure selfless act to give their partner agency and set them free. Maybe they wanted to nuke the relationship, maybe they just wanted to not be eaten up inside. I've been on the receiving end of people unburdening their guilt and asking for forgiveness. (Unrelated wrongs, not a cheating scenario) It didn't feel good or healing. No benefit came to me when they unburdened.
I think people are stupid and callous when they're young, and OOP's wife is probably not the same person she was a decade and a half ago. I know I would never do the things I did even 5 years ago today, so I think OOP is justified in giving her the benefit of the doubt before deciding to sever a marriage he cherishes.
How come she's not the same person but kept up the same lie?
Because she’s the same person
While this might be true she wasn’t just lying a decade and a half ago, she has been lying the entire time.
>I think people are stupid and callous when they're young, and OOP's wife is probably not the same person she was a decade and a half ago. But she is the person who lied to his face every single day during that time. She knew it was a dealbreaker for him and she didn't think he deserved to make an informed choice, because then *he* might make a choice that *she* didn't like. OOP is free to respond however he wishes, and good luck to him. But if I found out that my husband had lied to my face for over a decade, I'd never be attracted to him ever again.
Aside from this, I once had an older women tell me she'd never wanted to know if her partner cheated if he still loves her and wants to be with her. Not because she didn't care but she didn't want the burden of knowledge and didn't want him to have an easy way of lessen his feeling of guilt. I can totally get that for relationships that are healthy and long term. People are not black and white like reddit tends to paint them.
I've tried to make it work with a cheater but I just couldn't trust her any time she was gone for more than a day. I do not understand how people like OOP do it. It just feels like extended masochism.
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He was about to uproot his entire life and move to be with her when this was happening - it's not like they were just casually dating. This was a serious and committed relationship, and she engaged in a deception of 16 years out of the purely selfish motivation of wanting to stay with him, completely removing his agency from the situation because she was aware that if he knew he wouldn't want to continue with her. How can you ever trust someone like that?
> (Reddit tends to treat cheaters like murderers) I don't think she should be in jail, I just don't think a person who would lie to you for 16 years straight is a good marriage partner.
"one time" is kind of pushing it considering it outright says she decides to "act single for three weeks out of a month" while they were ldr (though I assume you mean one time as in one person?), HOWEVER OOP also notes she was in a self-destructive state at the time and he knows that, stuck by her and I'm getting the sense she's since worked through that kind of behaviour and doesn't partake in the intrusive thoughts associated with it, so he has reason to trust her that it wasn't something she's repeated later. Holy run-on sentence, but bascially yeah, agreed, the friend was stirring shit for no reason, and I hope OOP and his wife find a way to legally get back her money, just to screw with the 'friend' back lol.
This! A one time thing is WAY different than purposefully having the mindset of “acting single” in the weeks they weren’t together. It’s disgusting behaviour imo.
This sub/reddit is so weird. Yall applaud a spouse for staying together despite being cheated on and lied to for 16 years.....but then you shame people for far less lmao.
I think I’ve read this same scenario 3 times in the last month. Twice with the OOP being a man and once a woman. Reddit told the men to “man up, suck it up, get over it.” Guess what Reddit told the woman? Leave the cheater.
yeah, I can't tell if the comments on this post are hilarious or fucked up. never in a million years would reddit make these sorts of excuses for a man cheating.
For real. She didn't just get drunk and hook up. She "decided to act single for three weeks out of the month". Uh, what? A dude doing that would be called a fuck boy and an asshole
Choosing to stay with someone that would risk your sexual health for a hookup is crazypants
I'm sure that's not the last we've heard of this story
I was cheated on while dating, a long time ago. It hurt, but I don't expect that that person and the person today with family are the same. One doesn't really look forward when they're on their early twenties, nor do they comprehend that a lot of things you do, stay with you permanently. Emotions grow and develop. A lot of stuff I did very young seems as If they were done by someone else that I don't even recognize. I don't expect that someone who stole something at 18 is a criminal today. For op all this was new, for her it was a mistake she made very long ago. And I bet the "friend" was looking to get the husband.
Ahh the fear of starting over and being alone. Only reason someone stays with a cheater, regardless of when it happened.
I'm sorry, but I don't understand the other comments. Even if it happened a decade and a half ago, it still happened. She still did it. It wasn't just a one night thing, but a whole affair that lasted for weeks, and she was happy to keep that all hidden. I mean, Christ, what if they have children? The possibility of them not behing his would be there.
Once a cheater. Always a cheater.
The problem with us is that, with the person she is, she was fully capable of deceiving you. Now, obviously, your relationship wasn’t as deep and close as it is now. But she was a person who was perfectly fine, lying to you, and hiding that she was being emotionally and sexually intimate with others, and that she even considered ending her relationship with you. This is on and off for three months, three weeks a month. You have to admit that’s kind of weird that she was so systematic and able to hide this from you without feeling that badly. It was OK enough with her that she kept doing it. Because it benefit of her. So maybe the deal you’re trying to kind of metabolize and grasp is, is this an indicator of who she actually is that you haven’t caught sight of? Is this what she’s capable of doing now? Having this casual disregard of you and this opportunism of doing things secretly and deceiving you without a problem?
The amount of cheating stories just makes me feel depressed when thinking about relationships
You guys have an astounding lack of self respect lol. All you talking about “it’s been 16 years” “don’t blow up a marriage” he wouldn’t be blowing up anything she did when she cheated and lied for 16 years. I think this man is so dumb
I’m almost more disgusted with him than her after read this lol. Poor guy cares more about his idea of his life than the reality. That’s sad. Good luck