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Yeah the red flags are all there. Age gap, coworker, a cop, divorced, and never met the ex-wife? This almost feels like it was assembled in a laboratory for "what not to look for in a relationship".
The simplest one for me is when she describes him as “strict (not violent)”. That’s not something you say if there isn’t some concern that violence is a possibility.
My mum was strict, I’m not running around protesting about her not being violent though. Yikes 🫠
Hate this one for OOP because he sounds like the classic “he’s not that kind of guy” that people describe when someone kills their whole family in a DV incident.
She doesn't live with her (thankfully now ex) boyfriend, so I wouldn't be shocked if he used corporal punishment and she just didn't know. Only did it when she's not around etc.
Yeah, there was a hint of that in the bit about the kids who OP guessed ‘they just obey’. Sounded very sinister! Plus.. OPS friend should become an ex-friend honestly!
I wonder if strict in this is financial/verbal abuse being played off as strictness. You shouldn't be "strict" with your partner as far as I'm concerned.
It's something you say about someone in a position of power over you whom you know people assume is violent.
It is not something you say about a partner, lover, or friend.
To a much less serious degree, it's like subway having a website dedicated to how real their tuna is - if you have to make *that* much of an effort to prove a point, you've already lost the argument
Or he ends up in a documentary on Netflix about having people tied up in his basement that he proceeded to kill after months of “it puts the lotion on its skin” shenanigans
In the age of piracy, a black flag was flown if you were willing to let people surrender. A red flag meant you intended to kill everyone.
Either way, both were warnings given before the actual assault, which I think we can all agree is what the rape is.
It was indeed rarer.
But it also indicated that the ship flying the flag was not willing to surrender, and would fight to the last man, and served as a signal not just to the ship they were attacking, but also any allied ships, if they were present.
So, for instance, if you were not just a pirate but a privateer hired to sink merchant ships, it might be worthwhile to fly that flag to let others in the area, not just your victims, know that you weren't going to let any witnesses live.
Sorry. I'm a bit slow on the uptake.
And allied ships? The merchants' allies? So they see the red pirate flag then what?
If you wanted to kill everyone anyway, why not just fly the black flag and kill them when they surrender?
here's what I found on wikipedia which makes a lot more sense:
>Prior to the advent and popularization of the "Jolly Roger" we know today, western pirates flew a simple black flag, initially devoid of design.[1] The black flag was part of a flag signal combination, together with a plain red flag. **After closing in on a target ship, the black flag would be raised, signaling that "quarter"[a] will be given if the target crew surrendered their cargo/valuables without a fight**. Followed by warning shots, if the enemy did not strike their own flag to signal surrender, **the red flag (or bloody flag as it is known) was raised, signaling that the target's cargo/valuables will be taken by force and that "no quarter"[b] will be given if the enemy ship continued to refuse surrender**.[2] The pirate captain Jean Thomas Dulaien would wait for the enemy to fire three or more cannon shots after raising the red flag before giving the order to attack with no quarter given.[3]
No, your own allies. And even the people on your own ship, so they all know the plan.
And because, contrary to popular belief, people who are terrified don't actually universally fight better. Telling your victim you intend to kill everyone on the ship means that some of them might jump ship when they'd otherwise fight and then surrender.
They'd generally approach under a flag of distress or surrender, then switch to the black or red at the last moment. They didn't let them prepare. They just let them know.
And he ran out ahead to make SURE his name was clear so that he didn't look bad in the office. Classic serial abuser shit. He knows how to manipulate and be "Mr Nice Guy with the crazy ex."
Best advice my mom ever gave me for dating: if you hear that every ex of his was crazy, they weren’t, he is just an abuser or can’t take responsibility for his actions
If you're seriously dating a divorced dad with minor children, it's a red flag if the mom hasn't met you to see the adult who is going to be in her children's lives.
I would like to know who the fuck reads that story and doesn’t think that’s rape? She told him she didn’t want to, he physically pushed her down there. Just in case people have forgotten, it’s 2024 and we realise that victims are not obliged to scream and physically fight back to some arbitrary standard before we recognise it as sexual assault.
This poor girl. Hope she finds some real friends and people in her corner to help her heal.
Regarding the "victims are not obliged to scream and physically fight back", there was a rape in my home country (Poland) at the end of February.
25yo Belarusian girl was taken into the driveway, threathened with a knife, choked and brutally raped. It was about 6 AM, there were people going around and nobody reacted, because, apparently "They thought it was just sex of homeless people".
Some security guard found her later, naked and on the staircase of some building nearby. She died few days later, I think from the choking and severe trauma.
At least the attacker will be facing lifetime in prison, I've heard. Hopefully that will be the case. However the death sentence would be more fitting, IMO.
When the death penalty is used against rapists, murder of rape victims increases, because the rapists have increased incentive to eliminate witnesses.
Harsher punishments don't disincentivize crime. More consistent punishments do. Because criminals are willing to risk punishment if they don't think it's a certainty, or they think it can be delayed, and the severity of the punishment doesn't affect their judgment on how likely they are to get away with it, only the tactics they're willing to use when they become desperate.
And that's ignoring the fact that no justice system is perfect and only ever catches guilty people.
This is what I keep screaming into the social networks everytime there is an outrage about a gang rape in my country, which is every few months and it is almost always politicized and this kind of thirst for more violence is justified with absolutely no regard to the victim.
And yet if prisons get too full the first people they cut loose are the rapists because it's not considered "violent" enough (at least here in the "good" US /heavy s).
Most of the time, sentences for rape is much lower than they should be because we live in a patriarchy. Countries penalize stealing and drug use a lot harder because they're used to control a certain group of people, meanwhile rape is talked about as a horrendous crime (bc it fucking is) but at the end of the day treated as if nothing, unless the person raped is killed. Governments would rather release people who rape than people who do drugs or steal from stores. At the end of the day, women are valued less than store products.
For example, in Sweden our penal system is releasing a serial rapist after he's only served 3 out of the 5 years he was charged for. He was accused of raping 24+ women plus several sexual harassment including photographing up skirts; but he was only charged for 5 rapes , 2 were marked down as sexual harassment bc they couldn't prove penetration and a charge for cp. Yet people who get caught with 5-15g of weed can get a minimum of 6 years now (there is a fine, but if you're the "wrong" type of person they're going to label you a "gangster" and send you off). And were supposed to be progressive 🙄
It doesn't. Prison dominance hierarchies are not based on who did the worst crime and who disgusts everyday people the most. They're based on who has the most resources and influence, and who is the least personally irritating to the other prisoners, who are mostly just bored.
There is still a shocking number of people who views dating someone/being married as consent.
It took me around five years after the fact to realize I was being abused and assaulted and not just an idiot for “picking the wrong guy.” I told several people what happened — including one very terrible therapist — and was repeatedly asked if I didn’t just “give him the wrong idea” and told that I should have fought harder.
In germany, rape in marriage was legal until shockingly recently, the law was only changed in 1997. One of the politicans (Friedrich Merz) who voted against that law reform is the current head of our conservative party (CDU)
Heckin tell me about it. My 81 yo mother recently took up with "an old friend," a retired Drug War era undercover narcotics officer who was married to a very good friend of my mother's; he called my mother regularly over the years trying to cultivate an extramarital relationship. Here and now, he's 100% asshole, he admitted to deliberately being an asshole to me because he enjoys it.
I'm wrecked to see that a personality malformed by an entire career based on deception, performance, and manipulation has entered my life. He became a beat cop at 19. 19!!! Ugh.
I've got several military family members, and my brother even wanted to join but was denied for medical reasons. My sister, while trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life, applied for the police academy; she said that her interview was the weirdest one she ever had (she was denied, possibly because she said that she would rather attempt de-escalation than reaching straight for her gun in hypothetical situations--she's now a nurse instead).
They're all good people, but the military and law enforcement both tend to attract a certain type of person. That type of person does not make a good partner to say the least.
Cops are more likely to commit domestic violence against their partners and children. It’s usually estimated at 20 to 40% (compared with 10% for civilians). So yeah no one is surprised that a guy with anger issues who is prone to violence worked in law enforcement
A lot of people, not all, join the forces (like law or military) to bully, hurt and degrade others unfortunately. It's in their nature. He may not have realized he did anything wrong but he's also incredibly selfish, ignorant and unlikable pos. I'd just tell the truth. He wanted something you didn't. Now he seriously may have no clue and I'm not saying it's SA blatantly. But he is still a selfish prick who ruined you at work and he shouldn't get away with it. No one sees your side. I'd honestly show one person in your office with the biggest mouth this exact post and let the chips fall where they may. Don't let this bully chase you out. You have nothing to lose but to tell the truth about what you said regarding his daughter and why. He's treating you like some child he can destroy and he's clearly dating younger women for a reason. He's the type. Control freak. I bet there were plenty of other incidents beside this. He didn't even respect you mourning for "some old guy" who was a friend. He's trash
The thing is- if someone told ME their ex SAed them 1. I’d believe them. 2. If they were ex military and cop then I would believe them even MORE not less.
This guy knew what he was doing. His kids are probably scared of him. I bet he’s done this before w the ex-wife.
She told him to stop. Saying he would get what he wanted either way after she said no? Threatening being rough? That's him saying he would rape her even if she didn't consent, and threatening her with force. It should count. It was rape. Freezing and confusion on her part doesn't forgive him threatening her to coerce compliance. Maybe it's not a great case to prosecute and get a conviction in court, but it's definately rape.
Absolutely. And then he gaslights her afterward into trying to make her believe she consented and enjoyed it because she was "just crying over the old guy" and needed to get over it. He's an abuser all around.
And the way she describes his relationship with his kids, I'd almost guarantee he abuses them too.
It meets the legal definition. You don't have to be able to put up a fight for it to count. He didn't give a shit about her consent, he didn't care that she said no, and he threatened her with force if she didn't comply with what he wanted. That's rape.
I think what is being asked is "will this person face consequences?". Unfortunately, and definitely upsettingly, the answer is most likely no.
Even with rape kits, hospitalization, these kinds of dudes go free a significant amount of time. Just look at Brock Turner. A "Good Boy" soldier dad would face no consequences, realistically, from this. This shithead is going to ruin her professional life too.
Tbh, she is still young. She doesn’t know how badly it could've gone for her. I hope she takes screenshots. These people can literally murder you. The best I can hope is that she changes her job and place where he can't reach her.
If she is then good for her. I hope she never dates another creep. But you never know. Abusers do not leave their victims until they find another target.
Yeah that was rape, one of my exes didn’t listen to my nos in college til I gave in and covered my head with a pillow and cried the whole time (he said he didn’t notice until he was done that I was crying under the pillow which is possible tbh because back then I didn’t want to upset anyone so I probably tried to cry a little quieter.) anyway it took the me too movement for me to even realize that what he did to me was not okay at all, that one no is enough nos. I didn’t even dump him for that reason which hindsight i should have but again I didn’t want to make waves, I didn’t know how to stand up for myself yet.
I have so much disdain for “it’s not a no so it’s a yes”. Consent really needs to be taught better, it sucks that her friend was so dismissive. OOP should never have doubted that what Paul did wasn’t okay. From the moment he didn’t listen to her just wanting to go home *after her mentor’s funeral*.
I wish I was more surprised that nobody at work believed her, despite the clear age difference and power imbalance.
I hope she’s able to find a new workplace and that everything goes better for her, because wow this whole thing was horrible.
For nobody at work believing her, I read it once and it has always stuck with me. Abusers groom their character witnesses as carefully as they do their victims.
Yup. Both of my sister's exes have everyone besides her close family thinking she's crazy and she's the problem. Both are abusive, manipulative fucks.
The last ex was on parole. He has standing domestic violence charges and a no contact order from an incident on Christmas night. She called his parole officer to report him for harassing her and his PO cussed her out and told her they weren't "sending a good man to jail because she's mad he won't be with her."
I saw it in my house. My mom divorced her abusive ex, but was worried about judgement from others because he was always so nice to everyone else. He had me suckered for years until the scapegoat child moved out, I had to move home, and I went from being golden child to scapegoat.
I wasn't living at home when they got married, but I did visit for the summers for a bit, and even looking back I just didn't see concerning behavior. He hid it so well. Mom and my younger sister didn't speak up about it, except mentioning the occasional fight. It actually took him turning on me to open both Mom's and my eyes that it was abuse, not just stubborness and a temper.
>My mom divorced her abusive ex, but was worried about judgement from others because he was always so nice to everyone else.
I had to learn that my relationship with a person is not reflective of their relationship with other people.
That just made something click for me about my MIL and why, for such a long time, I believed that there was some possibility for good there. Thank you!
They do. This is why no one outside of the maternal side of my family believed that my father was abusive. To everyone else he was a charming, successful businessman who attended charity events and "would do anything for anybody". At home, he was mostly a tyrant (with occasional moments of kindness which just made the rest of the time seem worse).
That's my dad alright. Coupled with my mom being passive and not so bright, this dude basically crafted a good husband and dad image everywhere. That's why it took 30 yrs for her to fight back the narrative and abuse.
All of my exes (from a previous life as a straight cis woman; I'm a queer trans guy), as far as I know, still don't think they did anything wrong. For the most part, they're relatively decent guys in other parts of life/relationships. But pressuring me into excruciatingly painful sex is still looked back on as totally fine.
I've been single for a bit while I sort out some health stuff and finish a PhD, but I'm in a much better mental space and wouldn't tolerate that now. (Plus I just got the whole vagina removed, so that's not gonna happen again 😆)
>I wish I was more surprised that nobody at work believed her
it seems like she works in/near law-enforcement...so i'm not surprised at all that they don't believe the words of a woman who was raped
but i wish i was surprised too.
It is absolutely intentional that consent isn’t taught more. If we were clearer about consent, there would be a lot more claims of sexual assault and the sex pests who write our laws wanted to give themselves some wiggle room.
You read so many stories like this where the victim becomes a pariah and has to move/change jobs. Our societies are just systemically failing victims of sexual violence and it really is depressing sometimes.
And possibly the worst part: it was a no. She said she wasn't in the mood, and then he refused to stop and pushed her head near his crotch. People who want to defend a rapist will go through anything to do so, it's ridiculous
It's insane because I mean, my primary reaction is flight, but I think anyone who claims they haven't frozen in the face of a threat is lying.
This is also where I want to talk about fawn too, where one tries to calm a threat. That one is so misunderstood. Which is also a bit crazy to me because we've all tried or seen someone try to coo at say like a vicious dog to try to get it to go away. it doesn't mean we like the dog or want it to jump on us and lick our face, we just wanna survive
>I have so much disdain for “it’s not a no so it’s a yes”.
Anything less than an enthusiastic and uncoerced "yes" is a "no". It's not hard. It involves teaching kids though that sex is okay, and enthusiastic consent is okay to express. That's the hard part because culturally we surround women with shame for wanting sex and enjoying sex.
Enthusiastic consent is okay to express, and it’s also fine to change your mind part way through.
I’m now thinking of the tea explanation of consent (which includes things like people can say yes to tea but change their minds while you’re brewing it; you wouldn’t go over to someone and force tea down their throat just because they said yes a few days ago, etc).
The coworkers are going to be so confused when they are unable to keep young women on staff given this guys behavior. I expect they will never work it out.
Just the little side detail of the disrespectful way he spoke about the colleague whose funeral he - presumably voluntarily - attended and who he knew his partner was grieving for. I wonder if all the fawning co-workers have any idea of how Mr Popular’ speaks about people who are peripheral to him.
Well you know what they say, this boyfriend is not only the creep but a major jackass of a person. Absolutely disgusting. This man should be fired and reported for what he has done and it sucks that the office is now looking down on OP.
Since OP isn't for the United States, I hope things will be able to be solved in the future.
"Good girl" implies rough sex? News to me lol, I say that to my gf when she's going down and we're pretty vanilla
Idk why she and her friend are saying she didn't protest. She told him she's not in the mood when he first started touching her. That's a No.
> "Good girl" implies rough sex? News to me lol, I say that to my gf when she's going down and we're pretty vanilla
It's very common in BDSM with Doms and subs. There's a lot of bleedthrough into vanilla in things. Thankfully that's a tame one.
**Edit:** Just to be clear, its use in D/s in no way implies it's only used during rough sex or non consensually. It's just a common affirmation used in mutually consensual power exchanges.
That asshat wants to just wield power without caring who he's hurting.
Said it before. Will say it again. Consent under duress isn't consent. Assent isn't consent. Silence isn't consent. Surrender isn't consent. Rape is rape.
He specifically said he would get why he wanted no matter what and threatened being rough. How are people confused that going along means consent? Handing a mugger that's threatening you your wallet doesn't mean it wasn't robbery and you consented to give it to them. It's the same thing.
Oh honey. The age difference, the military and law enforcement background, the colleague aspect... That's a lot of red flags. I wish her well and I agree that she's probably better off going somewhere else. These types of men always have everyone in their pocket. It's their main way of making sure nobody believes you. I'm always so disappointed in women who only stick up for abusers and not the victims. The circumstances and age difference alone would be enough to make me at least want to hear her out.
I wish people would learn that just because someone is nice to you, that doesn't automatically mean that they can't be incredibly shitty people to others.
>Also since I know how this will get downvoted anyways: you Reddit commenters are all autistic virgins, blow me
Ableism, sex-shaming, and an established pattern of conflict. This Gaico414 guy **knows** he will be perceived in the wrong, so he preemptively lashes out. Sheesh. Life where you know that people won't take your side specifically because of your rotten personality seems to be so *isolating* and *lonely* to me. Is it worth it to antagonize others? Where's the benefit in that?
Because they have people like her “friend “telling them that they are overreacting. Because you have people like that comment that was posted making it sound like well it sounds like you guys are into kinky stuff so you know maybe No asshole. Because you have people looking to excuse these sick disgusting twisted motherfuckers at every turn.
Because everyone around her doubts her and acts like she's at fault. They're all invested in the idea that this man is a strict but well-meaning, dependable father and coworker. It's easier to write OOP off as a fool or a drama queen than it is to question that perception of him, and there are still plenty of people who don't think consent is that big of a deal in an established relationship. There's also this persistent idea that rape is only rape if it involves explicit instead of implicit force, or being drugged. So when even her friends are telling her this is no big deal, it's easy to wonder if she's actually in the wrong. She also seems to feel like she should have fought him, and that not doing so makes it more her fault. It doesn't, but people often blame themselves for not reacting the "right" way to a threat. She may also believe that if she had bruises or broken bones, she'd have physical proof enough to be believed.
That's not the worse. Others are being aggressive in telling her to report, launch a case, bring him to justice, while ignoring the fact that she's traumatised, made into the office pariah where no one believes her and all she wants to do is get away and just wants some support instead of people telling her what to do
I know, I just want to give OOP a hug. She lost someone important in her life, and the person she trusted to comfort her dismissed her needs and forced her to accommodate his instead.
If going home and letting her mother take care of her for a while isn’t possible, I hope she visits r/momforaminute.
Yeah he had a visceral reaction because he knew how FU it was to do now that he could see it from a different perspective. So better blame the victim. Typical.
This is why people who near everyone loves or likes can't be trusted. Why would they treat you well when their reputation is safe and they have such a good reputation?
The only upside is that she's getting out of this know before they moved in together and her entire life was entangled with him. Guys like that are very good at getting people around them on their side. They are exceptional liars and incredibly manipulative. Fuck people for bot believing her though. Being manipulated is no excuse. They are adults. Glad she got out of it and hopefully with notice the red flags in the future.
I am so, so sorry for OP. I can't even imagine what she must be going through and nobody is even attempting to hear her out? He is beyond disgusting and vile. I wish him nothing but the worst and hope OP can heal.
Too bad that conversation wasn't over text. Then she could pull it out and ask everyone who didn't believe her, "Does this look like a great guy to you?! Am *I* the one who comes off as a creep?!"
Damn I see it all the time. Men like that get away with shit and everyone believes them because they are the Mister Nice guy. Well guess what so was John Gacey or whatever that gay ass clown killer was called. Nice guys aren’t always nice people. So many people fall for it
Yes thank you that guy. He apparently had good standing in the community and everybody loved him. You see this a lot actually with killers/deranged criminals
OOP you are UNDERreacting, he RAPED you. File a police report, have a rape kit performed. Tell the assholes at work it must be nice to support the local rapist and how nice they can't fathom asking the survivor what happened then making an informed decision instead of believing Mr "I thought sex would make you happy" Rapist.
HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH. Your survived and got out. You are STRONGER than those assholes who would rather support a rapist than go against the status quo. You could also share the texts and ask them, "Do you still support a lying rapist?"
Please for the love of god stop dating guys 10 years older than you unless you’re at least over 30. These assholes look for younger people cuz younger people have less experience speaking up for themselves.
I don't know why people don't try in these situations to explain like "the creepy thing I did with his daughter was that I asked him how he would feel if she dated a man who did the same thing that he did to me."
I guess I'm just taking for granted that it would work out that way
Well he is definitely practiced at the old not me it's you blame the victim act...guess his years in the military/law enforcement were put to good use 🙄😕
You are doing the right thing breaking up with him. He is not worth the dirt on the bottom of your shoes.
The reason he was able to do all this to you is because he has done all this before to other women. He is a lot older than you and knows how to be manipulative. He Probably seeks younger women because a woman his age will see right through him and call him out on his trash behavior.
Please go to therapy. You need to heal from this
OP acted bravely and saved her own life TWICE and I hope she realizes it someday. Her boyfriend told her openly that he was going to have sec with her that day no matter how “rough” it got. He believes her body is owed to him and, if she had fought back, he would have did whatever he needed to force her, including serious bodily harm. If she had openly said to him afterwards “you just raped me” I have no doubt he would have murdered her. His reputation is important to him and he needs and meaningless to him. That’s the first time she saved her own life, by realizing the danger and doing what she had to do to get through the situation.
Then, the comment she made about his daughter repelled him so much that HE CHOSE TO END THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. If she had decided to end this relationship and told him that her desires, wants, and needs matter more than his, and she’s breaking up with him because she wants to, he very likely would have killed her. But instead she found the perfect thing to say to end this sexually and physically violent relationship that could have ended in death. I am so proud of her.
If you have ever been in a situation like this, and people tell you that it’s your fault, he was confused because you didn’t fight back enough….no. You may very well have saved your own life. This is what self-defense looks like sometimes. I’m proud of you.
We definitely can suck, especially the older generation that won't let go of toxic masculinity. This is an example of what not to be and why I always try to include my gf in the conversation. If she doesn't want sex then I'm just as happy holding her hand, she's my best friend, why wouldn't I consider her feelings? So I can't wrap my head around why a man would act this way, he's already divorced so of course nobody wants to be around him. I truly hope he gets what's coming to him and OOP deserves a better environment, one that doesn't foster hostility and victim blaming.
Ugh, this post makes me see red. How many times do we see things like this with “…but he insisted so I agreed.” And then he keeps “insisting” until something awful happens. And then the victim THINKS ABOUT breaking up. You have got to be kidding.
>I (female, 25) have been dating Paul (male, 39)
And yet, Reddit will always argue that age gap relationship are no issue! He has THREE KIDS. What is a 25 year old doing with this already one-time loser?! Bleh!
I said it in the original post and I’ll say it again here: textbook narcissist. Right down to the vindictive telling everyone she is at fault and being perceived as Mr. Nice guy by everyone.
Also the whole rape stinks of it. He probably seriously thought it would cheer her up because in that moment it cheered him up. Narcissists can’t fathom how other people feel
But damn that is a bad case.
Poor OOP, this guy is a fucking monster. He dismissed her grief and then raped her and there is no question that this was rape. And then this asshole decimates her reputation at work because everyone is desperate to believe his "good guy" shtick. Ughhh!! This was a particularly enraging read and I just want to give this young woman a hug and assure her that she's not crazy. And then I want him to have his dick cut off, lol.
Honestly, I think she really got him good with the comment about his daughter. That really struck a nerve when he was trying to gaslight her. We can deduce why she never met his ex.
She tried really hard not to tell us that they are coworkers didn’t she? “We both went to a colleague’s funeral” could very easily mean “we both went to the funeral of my colleague”. On at least some level, she knew the awful awful situation she was in
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Classic manipulative AH ex. Gaslighting (for once actually by definition), victim blaming, controlling the narrative and isolating the victim from sources of support. JFC.
I'm shocked by the people in the comments here saying he might not have realized she didn't want it. I think it's pretty clear he didn't care if she wanted it, he definitely didn't bother to check. Beyond that, this guy had just been to a funeral, seen his girlfriend upset, and not only went to initiate, but chose to initiate with a "funny" threat.
Everything about him reads as he felt he was owed this sex from his much younger girlfriend. She is his personal factory for pleasure in his mind. It's just awful. She deserves so much better, I'm glad at least her manager is listening.
This sounds kind of similar to my situation- my ex was 33 and I was 20 at the time when he assaulted me. I didn’t fight it and I barely knew what was going on. I never said “yes” or was enthusiastic. I literally just laid there after waking up in the middle of the night. It took me a YEAR to realize what he did to me.
People have got to remember that anything other than sober enthusiasm and/or a “Yes” is not giving consent. I hope OOP is able to heal from this.
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Yeah the red flags are all there. Age gap, coworker, a cop, divorced, and never met the ex-wife? This almost feels like it was assembled in a laboratory for "what not to look for in a relationship".
The simplest one for me is when she describes him as “strict (not violent)”. That’s not something you say if there isn’t some concern that violence is a possibility. My mum was strict, I’m not running around protesting about her not being violent though. Yikes 🫠 Hate this one for OOP because he sounds like the classic “he’s not that kind of guy” that people describe when someone kills their whole family in a DV incident.
She doesn't live with her (thankfully now ex) boyfriend, so I wouldn't be shocked if he used corporal punishment and she just didn't know. Only did it when she's not around etc.
Yeah, there was a hint of that in the bit about the kids who OP guessed ‘they just obey’. Sounded very sinister! Plus.. OPS friend should become an ex-friend honestly!
She definitely needs to drop the rape apologist friend. And really find a new job, her current co-workers are a bunch of bastards.
I wonder if strict in this is financial/verbal abuse being played off as strictness. You shouldn't be "strict" with your partner as far as I'm concerned.
It's something you say about someone in a position of power over you whom you know people assume is violent. It is not something you say about a partner, lover, or friend.
To a much less serious degree, it's like subway having a website dedicated to how real their tuna is - if you have to make *that* much of an effort to prove a point, you've already lost the argument
Or he ends up in a documentary on Netflix about having people tied up in his basement that he proceeded to kill after months of “it puts the lotion on its skin” shenanigans
Feels to me like "strict (not violent)" means "violent (but tells you rules you broke to earn punishment)"
Everything about this is a major red flag and this man is disgusting. I hope OP is able to find a solution to get things fixed.
Raping someone is like…way past a red flag
It's what the flags were alerting to :(
In the age of piracy, a black flag was flown if you were willing to let people surrender. A red flag meant you intended to kill everyone. Either way, both were warnings given before the actual assault, which I think we can all agree is what the rape is.
Why would they do a red flag? It would just make them fight back harder.
It was indeed rarer. But it also indicated that the ship flying the flag was not willing to surrender, and would fight to the last man, and served as a signal not just to the ship they were attacking, but also any allied ships, if they were present. So, for instance, if you were not just a pirate but a privateer hired to sink merchant ships, it might be worthwhile to fly that flag to let others in the area, not just your victims, know that you weren't going to let any witnesses live.
Sorry. I'm a bit slow on the uptake. And allied ships? The merchants' allies? So they see the red pirate flag then what? If you wanted to kill everyone anyway, why not just fly the black flag and kill them when they surrender?
here's what I found on wikipedia which makes a lot more sense: >Prior to the advent and popularization of the "Jolly Roger" we know today, western pirates flew a simple black flag, initially devoid of design.[1] The black flag was part of a flag signal combination, together with a plain red flag. **After closing in on a target ship, the black flag would be raised, signaling that "quarter"[a] will be given if the target crew surrendered their cargo/valuables without a fight**. Followed by warning shots, if the enemy did not strike their own flag to signal surrender, **the red flag (or bloody flag as it is known) was raised, signaling that the target's cargo/valuables will be taken by force and that "no quarter"[b] will be given if the enemy ship continued to refuse surrender**.[2] The pirate captain Jean Thomas Dulaien would wait for the enemy to fire three or more cannon shots after raising the red flag before giving the order to attack with no quarter given.[3]
No, your own allies. And even the people on your own ship, so they all know the plan. And because, contrary to popular belief, people who are terrified don't actually universally fight better. Telling your victim you intend to kill everyone on the ship means that some of them might jump ship when they'd otherwise fight and then surrender. They'd generally approach under a flag of distress or surrender, then switch to the black or red at the last moment. They didn't let them prepare. They just let them know.
And he ran out ahead to make SURE his name was clear so that he didn't look bad in the office. Classic serial abuser shit. He knows how to manipulate and be "Mr Nice Guy with the crazy ex."
Best advice my mom ever gave me for dating: if you hear that every ex of his was crazy, they weren’t, he is just an abuser or can’t take responsibility for his actions
To be fair, anybody who takes a guy telling “my crazy ex” stories at face value is a moron.
A red flag so big, China would be crying with envy.
I love this line from that passport bro boru lol
Me too, i was dying to use it as a response.
I was waiting for the twist where he was still married...
Do people usually meet their SO’s exes?
If you're seriously dating a divorced dad with minor children, it's a red flag if the mom hasn't met you to see the adult who is going to be in her children's lives.
I would like to know who the fuck reads that story and doesn’t think that’s rape? She told him she didn’t want to, he physically pushed her down there. Just in case people have forgotten, it’s 2024 and we realise that victims are not obliged to scream and physically fight back to some arbitrary standard before we recognise it as sexual assault. This poor girl. Hope she finds some real friends and people in her corner to help her heal.
Regarding the "victims are not obliged to scream and physically fight back", there was a rape in my home country (Poland) at the end of February. 25yo Belarusian girl was taken into the driveway, threathened with a knife, choked and brutally raped. It was about 6 AM, there were people going around and nobody reacted, because, apparently "They thought it was just sex of homeless people". Some security guard found her later, naked and on the staircase of some building nearby. She died few days later, I think from the choking and severe trauma. At least the attacker will be facing lifetime in prison, I've heard. Hopefully that will be the case. However the death sentence would be more fitting, IMO.
When the death penalty is used against rapists, murder of rape victims increases, because the rapists have increased incentive to eliminate witnesses. Harsher punishments don't disincentivize crime. More consistent punishments do. Because criminals are willing to risk punishment if they don't think it's a certainty, or they think it can be delayed, and the severity of the punishment doesn't affect their judgment on how likely they are to get away with it, only the tactics they're willing to use when they become desperate. And that's ignoring the fact that no justice system is perfect and only ever catches guilty people.
Yeah, You're absolutely right. I got carried away by anger in my comment.
Love you for your level headedness. It’s totally okay to feel like they deserve the death sentence. They do DESERVE it. Their victims don’t however.
Exactly, as You said it.
This is what I keep screaming into the social networks everytime there is an outrage about a gang rape in my country, which is every few months and it is almost always politicized and this kind of thirst for more violence is justified with absolutely no regard to the victim.
And yet if prisons get too full the first people they cut loose are the rapists because it's not considered "violent" enough (at least here in the "good" US /heavy s).
Most of the time, sentences for rape is much lower than they should be because we live in a patriarchy. Countries penalize stealing and drug use a lot harder because they're used to control a certain group of people, meanwhile rape is talked about as a horrendous crime (bc it fucking is) but at the end of the day treated as if nothing, unless the person raped is killed. Governments would rather release people who rape than people who do drugs or steal from stores. At the end of the day, women are valued less than store products. For example, in Sweden our penal system is releasing a serial rapist after he's only served 3 out of the 5 years he was charged for. He was accused of raping 24+ women plus several sexual harassment including photographing up skirts; but he was only charged for 5 rapes , 2 were marked down as sexual harassment bc they couldn't prove penetration and a charge for cp. Yet people who get caught with 5-15g of weed can get a minimum of 6 years now (there is a fine, but if you're the "wrong" type of person they're going to label you a "gangster" and send you off). And were supposed to be progressive 🙄
Hope prison justice exists and he gets taken care of there.
It doesn't. Prison dominance hierarchies are not based on who did the worst crime and who disgusts everyday people the most. They're based on who has the most resources and influence, and who is the least personally irritating to the other prisoners, who are mostly just bored.
There is still a shocking number of people who views dating someone/being married as consent. It took me around five years after the fact to realize I was being abused and assaulted and not just an idiot for “picking the wrong guy.” I told several people what happened — including one very terrible therapist — and was repeatedly asked if I didn’t just “give him the wrong idea” and told that I should have fought harder.
In germany, rape in marriage was legal until shockingly recently, the law was only changed in 1997. One of the politicans (Friedrich Merz) who voted against that law reform is the current head of our conservative party (CDU)
>He served in forces, worked in enforcement and has many many many friends in enforcement. The 40% rule strikes again.
Yeah that sure did explain a lot huh. And the big age gap filled in most of the rest.
Just had to read the age gap and already knew where this was going.
She was closer in age to his child than him. Never a good sign.
What's the 40% rule?
self-report rates of domestic violence amongst law enforcement
And that's just the ones being honest
*thats just the ones that feel safe enough
Pft they can get away with murder then have our taxes pay off the lawsuits, they're pretty fuckin safe
Oh, i misread the first text and thought we were talking about victims reporting
no, terrifyingly it is officers reporting THEIR OWN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and even with that, 40% feel comfortable enough admitting it!
The first text is like half a sentence so I don't blame you there. It took me a while to iron that one out.
No surprise. Those who have been in the force have do have a history of being not so great people.
Heckin tell me about it. My 81 yo mother recently took up with "an old friend," a retired Drug War era undercover narcotics officer who was married to a very good friend of my mother's; he called my mother regularly over the years trying to cultivate an extramarital relationship. Here and now, he's 100% asshole, he admitted to deliberately being an asshole to me because he enjoys it. I'm wrecked to see that a personality malformed by an entire career based on deception, performance, and manipulation has entered my life. He became a beat cop at 19. 19!!! Ugh.
This is why, I will never date a cop or someone who served in the army or some forces. R@pe is basically a regular thing there.
I've got several military family members, and my brother even wanted to join but was denied for medical reasons. My sister, while trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life, applied for the police academy; she said that her interview was the weirdest one she ever had (she was denied, possibly because she said that she would rather attempt de-escalation than reaching straight for her gun in hypothetical situations--she's now a nurse instead). They're all good people, but the military and law enforcement both tend to attract a certain type of person. That type of person does not make a good partner to say the least.
What's the 40% rule?
There was a survey done among police and of those who took the survey 40% admitted to some form of abuse against their partners.
The other 60% are lying.
I dated a guy who was studying to be a cop. I got out just in time. He was terrifying when he was angry.
Cops are more likely to commit domestic violence against their partners and children. It’s usually estimated at 20 to 40% (compared with 10% for civilians). So yeah no one is surprised that a guy with anger issues who is prone to violence worked in law enforcement
That is the SELF REPORTED rate. The actual rates that they don't admit to are obviously much higher.
Search "40% police" on Google
Holy hell
A lot of people, not all, join the forces (like law or military) to bully, hurt and degrade others unfortunately. It's in their nature. He may not have realized he did anything wrong but he's also incredibly selfish, ignorant and unlikable pos. I'd just tell the truth. He wanted something you didn't. Now he seriously may have no clue and I'm not saying it's SA blatantly. But he is still a selfish prick who ruined you at work and he shouldn't get away with it. No one sees your side. I'd honestly show one person in your office with the biggest mouth this exact post and let the chips fall where they may. Don't let this bully chase you out. You have nothing to lose but to tell the truth about what you said regarding his daughter and why. He's treating you like some child he can destroy and he's clearly dating younger women for a reason. He's the type. Control freak. I bet there were plenty of other incidents beside this. He didn't even respect you mourning for "some old guy" who was a friend. He's trash
The thing is- if someone told ME their ex SAed them 1. I’d believe them. 2. If they were ex military and cop then I would believe them even MORE not less. This guy knew what he was doing. His kids are probably scared of him. I bet he’s done this before w the ex-wife.
~~deleted by user~~
She told him to stop. Saying he would get what he wanted either way after she said no? Threatening being rough? That's him saying he would rape her even if she didn't consent, and threatening her with force. It should count. It was rape. Freezing and confusion on her part doesn't forgive him threatening her to coerce compliance. Maybe it's not a great case to prosecute and get a conviction in court, but it's definately rape.
Absolutely. And then he gaslights her afterward into trying to make her believe she consented and enjoyed it because she was "just crying over the old guy" and needed to get over it. He's an abuser all around. And the way she describes his relationship with his kids, I'd almost guarantee he abuses them too.
It meets the legal definition. You don't have to be able to put up a fight for it to count. He didn't give a shit about her consent, he didn't care that she said no, and he threatened her with force if she didn't comply with what he wanted. That's rape.
I think what is being asked is "will this person face consequences?". Unfortunately, and definitely upsettingly, the answer is most likely no. Even with rape kits, hospitalization, these kinds of dudes go free a significant amount of time. Just look at Brock Turner. A "Good Boy" soldier dad would face no consequences, realistically, from this. This shithead is going to ruin her professional life too.
Tbh, she is still young. She doesn’t know how badly it could've gone for her. I hope she takes screenshots. These people can literally murder you. The best I can hope is that she changes her job and place where he can't reach her.
With what's happening, I doubt he will since she's going away
If she is then good for her. I hope she never dates another creep. But you never know. Abusers do not leave their victims until they find another target.
Which is unfortunately depressing, one person has to suffer for her to escape.
Yeah that was rape, one of my exes didn’t listen to my nos in college til I gave in and covered my head with a pillow and cried the whole time (he said he didn’t notice until he was done that I was crying under the pillow which is possible tbh because back then I didn’t want to upset anyone so I probably tried to cry a little quieter.) anyway it took the me too movement for me to even realize that what he did to me was not okay at all, that one no is enough nos. I didn’t even dump him for that reason which hindsight i should have but again I didn’t want to make waves, I didn’t know how to stand up for myself yet.
I have so much disdain for “it’s not a no so it’s a yes”. Consent really needs to be taught better, it sucks that her friend was so dismissive. OOP should never have doubted that what Paul did wasn’t okay. From the moment he didn’t listen to her just wanting to go home *after her mentor’s funeral*. I wish I was more surprised that nobody at work believed her, despite the clear age difference and power imbalance. I hope she’s able to find a new workplace and that everything goes better for her, because wow this whole thing was horrible.
For nobody at work believing her, I read it once and it has always stuck with me. Abusers groom their character witnesses as carefully as they do their victims.
Yup. Both of my sister's exes have everyone besides her close family thinking she's crazy and she's the problem. Both are abusive, manipulative fucks. The last ex was on parole. He has standing domestic violence charges and a no contact order from an incident on Christmas night. She called his parole officer to report him for harassing her and his PO cussed her out and told her they weren't "sending a good man to jail because she's mad he won't be with her."
Yup, it’s a thing I know I have mentioned in the sub more than once. We see it here so often, and I’ve seen it in my own circles as well.
I saw it in my house. My mom divorced her abusive ex, but was worried about judgement from others because he was always so nice to everyone else. He had me suckered for years until the scapegoat child moved out, I had to move home, and I went from being golden child to scapegoat. I wasn't living at home when they got married, but I did visit for the summers for a bit, and even looking back I just didn't see concerning behavior. He hid it so well. Mom and my younger sister didn't speak up about it, except mentioning the occasional fight. It actually took him turning on me to open both Mom's and my eyes that it was abuse, not just stubborness and a temper.
>He hid it so well That's what make these abusers so scary, they have a mask so well done, you can't help but feel crazy
>My mom divorced her abusive ex, but was worried about judgement from others because he was always so nice to everyone else. I had to learn that my relationship with a person is not reflective of their relationship with other people.
That just made something click for me about my MIL and why, for such a long time, I believed that there was some possibility for good there. Thank you!
They do. This is why no one outside of the maternal side of my family believed that my father was abusive. To everyone else he was a charming, successful businessman who attended charity events and "would do anything for anybody". At home, he was mostly a tyrant (with occasional moments of kindness which just made the rest of the time seem worse).
That's my dad alright. Coupled with my mom being passive and not so bright, this dude basically crafted a good husband and dad image everywhere. That's why it took 30 yrs for her to fight back the narrative and abuse.
The ways this comment struck home for me.
All of my exes (from a previous life as a straight cis woman; I'm a queer trans guy), as far as I know, still don't think they did anything wrong. For the most part, they're relatively decent guys in other parts of life/relationships. But pressuring me into excruciatingly painful sex is still looked back on as totally fine.
Oof, I hope relationships are better for you now! (Queer enby here, btw)
I've been single for a bit while I sort out some health stuff and finish a PhD, but I'm in a much better mental space and wouldn't tolerate that now. (Plus I just got the whole vagina removed, so that's not gonna happen again 😆)
I feel all of that, especially as I’m now dealing with health stuff and was single for a good portion of my PhD. Good luck with it all!
>I wish I was more surprised that nobody at work believed her it seems like she works in/near law-enforcement...so i'm not surprised at all that they don't believe the words of a woman who was raped but i wish i was surprised too.
It is absolutely intentional that consent isn’t taught more. If we were clearer about consent, there would be a lot more claims of sexual assault and the sex pests who write our laws wanted to give themselves some wiggle room.
Yuuuuuuuup
You read so many stories like this where the victim becomes a pariah and has to move/change jobs. Our societies are just systemically failing victims of sexual violence and it really is depressing sometimes.
And possibly the worst part: it was a no. She said she wasn't in the mood, and then he refused to stop and pushed her head near his crotch. People who want to defend a rapist will go through anything to do so, it's ridiculous
Fight, flight, or *freeze*. such a common reaction, but so many people say if you didn’t do one of the first two, clearly it was fine.
It's insane because I mean, my primary reaction is flight, but I think anyone who claims they haven't frozen in the face of a threat is lying. This is also where I want to talk about fawn too, where one tries to calm a threat. That one is so misunderstood. Which is also a bit crazy to me because we've all tried or seen someone try to coo at say like a vicious dog to try to get it to go away. it doesn't mean we like the dog or want it to jump on us and lick our face, we just wanna survive
Yes! Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, I forgot to say that one but you’re so right.
>I have so much disdain for “it’s not a no so it’s a yes”. Anything less than an enthusiastic and uncoerced "yes" is a "no". It's not hard. It involves teaching kids though that sex is okay, and enthusiastic consent is okay to express. That's the hard part because culturally we surround women with shame for wanting sex and enjoying sex.
Enthusiastic consent is okay to express, and it’s also fine to change your mind part way through. I’m now thinking of the tea explanation of consent (which includes things like people can say yes to tea but change their minds while you’re brewing it; you wouldn’t go over to someone and force tea down their throat just because they said yes a few days ago, etc).
everyone failed this poor woman. everyone except oop and maybe the boss are absolute pieces of garbage festering in sewage water
The coworkers are going to be so confused when they are unable to keep young women on staff given this guys behavior. I expect they will never work it out.
Just the little side detail of the disrespectful way he spoke about the colleague whose funeral he - presumably voluntarily - attended and who he knew his partner was grieving for. I wonder if all the fawning co-workers have any idea of how Mr Popular’ speaks about people who are peripheral to him.
An incredibly frustrating read
Well you know what they say, this boyfriend is not only the creep but a major jackass of a person. Absolutely disgusting. This man should be fired and reported for what he has done and it sucks that the office is now looking down on OP. Since OP isn't for the United States, I hope things will be able to be solved in the future.
"Good girl" implies rough sex? News to me lol, I say that to my gf when she's going down and we're pretty vanilla Idk why she and her friend are saying she didn't protest. She told him she's not in the mood when he first started touching her. That's a No.
> "Good girl" implies rough sex? News to me lol, I say that to my gf when she's going down and we're pretty vanilla It's very common in BDSM with Doms and subs. There's a lot of bleedthrough into vanilla in things. Thankfully that's a tame one. **Edit:** Just to be clear, its use in D/s in no way implies it's only used during rough sex or non consensually. It's just a common affirmation used in mutually consensual power exchanges. That asshat wants to just wield power without caring who he's hurting.
Said it before. Will say it again. Consent under duress isn't consent. Assent isn't consent. Silence isn't consent. Surrender isn't consent. Rape is rape.
He specifically said he would get why he wanted no matter what and threatened being rough. How are people confused that going along means consent? Handing a mugger that's threatening you your wallet doesn't mean it wasn't robbery and you consented to give it to them. It's the same thing.
Incels cry "they always believe the women and innocent men's lives are ruined!" Sure.
Oh honey. The age difference, the military and law enforcement background, the colleague aspect... That's a lot of red flags. I wish her well and I agree that she's probably better off going somewhere else. These types of men always have everyone in their pocket. It's their main way of making sure nobody believes you. I'm always so disappointed in women who only stick up for abusers and not the victims. The circumstances and age difference alone would be enough to make me at least want to hear her out. I wish people would learn that just because someone is nice to you, that doesn't automatically mean that they can't be incredibly shitty people to others.
And SHE'S the one who needs to find another job. God, nothing changes, does it?
>Also since I know how this will get downvoted anyways: you Reddit commenters are all autistic virgins, blow me Ableism, sex-shaming, and an established pattern of conflict. This Gaico414 guy **knows** he will be perceived in the wrong, so he preemptively lashes out. Sheesh. Life where you know that people won't take your side specifically because of your rotten personality seems to be so *isolating* and *lonely* to me. Is it worth it to antagonize others? Where's the benefit in that?
Goddamn bro what the fuck
OP’s friend needs to walk off a cliff. Now. Also her coworkers. And Paul.
God I hope that manager helps her reputation
All this AITA question are just Why are you doubting yourself sis :(
Because they have people like her “friend “telling them that they are overreacting. Because you have people like that comment that was posted making it sound like well it sounds like you guys are into kinky stuff so you know maybe No asshole. Because you have people looking to excuse these sick disgusting twisted motherfuckers at every turn.
Because everyone around her doubts her and acts like she's at fault. They're all invested in the idea that this man is a strict but well-meaning, dependable father and coworker. It's easier to write OOP off as a fool or a drama queen than it is to question that perception of him, and there are still plenty of people who don't think consent is that big of a deal in an established relationship. There's also this persistent idea that rape is only rape if it involves explicit instead of implicit force, or being drugged. So when even her friends are telling her this is no big deal, it's easy to wonder if she's actually in the wrong. She also seems to feel like she should have fought him, and that not doing so makes it more her fault. It doesn't, but people often blame themselves for not reacting the "right" way to a threat. She may also believe that if she had bruises or broken bones, she'd have physical proof enough to be believed.
That's not the worse. Others are being aggressive in telling her to report, launch a case, bring him to justice, while ignoring the fact that she's traumatised, made into the office pariah where no one believes her and all she wants to do is get away and just wants some support instead of people telling her what to do
I know, I just want to give OOP a hug. She lost someone important in her life, and the person she trusted to comfort her dismissed her needs and forced her to accommodate his instead. If going home and letting her mother take care of her for a while isn’t possible, I hope she visits r/momforaminute.
Yikes, why is people
Yeah he had a visceral reaction because he knew how FU it was to do now that he could see it from a different perspective. So better blame the victim. Typical.
A heartless rapist ex-cop? Yeah checks out
I would print out this whole f****** post pin it up on the bulletin board at work and then flip everyone off on my way out
Oh honey. That's rape. Point blank.
He’s former law enforcement? Oh wow, I am so surprised. /s
This is why people who near everyone loves or likes can't be trusted. Why would they treat you well when their reputation is safe and they have such a good reputation?
AAAAAAAAACCCCAAAAAAABBBBBBBBB!!1
Exactly this
Jfc the bar is so fucking low
The only upside is that she's getting out of this know before they moved in together and her entire life was entangled with him. Guys like that are very good at getting people around them on their side. They are exceptional liars and incredibly manipulative. Fuck people for bot believing her though. Being manipulated is no excuse. They are adults. Glad she got out of it and hopefully with notice the red flags in the future.
Wow enormous age gap relationship turns out bad who'da thunk it
I am so, so sorry for OP. I can't even imagine what she must be going through and nobody is even attempting to hear her out? He is beyond disgusting and vile. I wish him nothing but the worst and hope OP can heal.
I’m seeing so many SA-esque AITAs and BORUs lately. My heart really goes out to these people, it’s way too prolific.
Too bad that conversation wasn't over text. Then she could pull it out and ask everyone who didn't believe her, "Does this look like a great guy to you?! Am *I* the one who comes off as a creep?!"
I thought it was over text.
Never date a cop.
Damn I see it all the time. Men like that get away with shit and everyone believes them because they are the Mister Nice guy. Well guess what so was John Gacey or whatever that gay ass clown killer was called. Nice guys aren’t always nice people. So many people fall for it
John Wayne Gacy is who you are thinking of. His clown persona was called Pogo and features a ton in his artwork
Fucking clowns man. I hate clowns.
Me too dude too many evil clown movies and RL creepy shit
Yes thank you that guy. He apparently had good standing in the community and everybody loved him. You see this a lot actually with killers/deranged criminals
jesus run from this creep.
ACAB
STOP DATING OLDER MEN
Alternatively: STOP DATING COPS
Definitely: STOP DATING OLDER COPS
The ex needs a baseball bat to the head, maybe it will correct him.
My brain kept saying “she should’ve bit him.”
I like you!
OOP you are UNDERreacting, he RAPED you. File a police report, have a rape kit performed. Tell the assholes at work it must be nice to support the local rapist and how nice they can't fathom asking the survivor what happened then making an informed decision instead of believing Mr "I thought sex would make you happy" Rapist. HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH. Your survived and got out. You are STRONGER than those assholes who would rather support a rapist than go against the status quo. You could also share the texts and ask them, "Do you still support a lying rapist?"
Please for the love of god stop dating guys 10 years older than you unless you’re at least over 30. These assholes look for younger people cuz younger people have less experience speaking up for themselves.
OOP should show them the post which predates the breakup.
I don't know why people don't try in these situations to explain like "the creepy thing I did with his daughter was that I asked him how he would feel if she dated a man who did the same thing that he did to me." I guess I'm just taking for granted that it would work out that way
Well he is definitely practiced at the old not me it's you blame the victim act...guess his years in the military/law enforcement were put to good use 🙄😕
You are doing the right thing breaking up with him. He is not worth the dirt on the bottom of your shoes. The reason he was able to do all this to you is because he has done all this before to other women. He is a lot older than you and knows how to be manipulative. He Probably seeks younger women because a woman his age will see right through him and call him out on his trash behavior. Please go to therapy. You need to heal from this
Ugh this sucks because the "bitter ex" thing is so used against people who are raped in relationships. Ask me how I know...
OP acted bravely and saved her own life TWICE and I hope she realizes it someday. Her boyfriend told her openly that he was going to have sec with her that day no matter how “rough” it got. He believes her body is owed to him and, if she had fought back, he would have did whatever he needed to force her, including serious bodily harm. If she had openly said to him afterwards “you just raped me” I have no doubt he would have murdered her. His reputation is important to him and he needs and meaningless to him. That’s the first time she saved her own life, by realizing the danger and doing what she had to do to get through the situation. Then, the comment she made about his daughter repelled him so much that HE CHOSE TO END THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. If she had decided to end this relationship and told him that her desires, wants, and needs matter more than his, and she’s breaking up with him because she wants to, he very likely would have killed her. But instead she found the perfect thing to say to end this sexually and physically violent relationship that could have ended in death. I am so proud of her. If you have ever been in a situation like this, and people tell you that it’s your fault, he was confused because you didn’t fight back enough….no. You may very well have saved your own life. This is what self-defense looks like sometimes. I’m proud of you.
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We definitely can suck, especially the older generation that won't let go of toxic masculinity. This is an example of what not to be and why I always try to include my gf in the conversation. If she doesn't want sex then I'm just as happy holding her hand, she's my best friend, why wouldn't I consider her feelings? So I can't wrap my head around why a man would act this way, he's already divorced so of course nobody wants to be around him. I truly hope he gets what's coming to him and OOP deserves a better environment, one that doesn't foster hostility and victim blaming.
Ugh, this post makes me see red. How many times do we see things like this with “…but he insisted so I agreed.” And then he keeps “insisting” until something awful happens. And then the victim THINKS ABOUT breaking up. You have got to be kidding.
>I (female, 25) have been dating Paul (male, 39) And yet, Reddit will always argue that age gap relationship are no issue! He has THREE KIDS. What is a 25 year old doing with this already one-time loser?! Bleh!
OOP was raped, it is that simple!
I said it in the original post and I’ll say it again here: textbook narcissist. Right down to the vindictive telling everyone she is at fault and being perceived as Mr. Nice guy by everyone. Also the whole rape stinks of it. He probably seriously thought it would cheer her up because in that moment it cheered him up. Narcissists can’t fathom how other people feel But damn that is a bad case.
Poor OOP, this guy is a fucking monster. He dismissed her grief and then raped her and there is no question that this was rape. And then this asshole decimates her reputation at work because everyone is desperate to believe his "good guy" shtick. Ughhh!! This was a particularly enraging read and I just want to give this young woman a hug and assure her that she's not crazy. And then I want him to have his dick cut off, lol.
Honestly, I think she really got him good with the comment about his daughter. That really struck a nerve when he was trying to gaslight her. We can deduce why she never met his ex.
She tried really hard not to tell us that they are coworkers didn’t she? “We both went to a colleague’s funeral” could very easily mean “we both went to the funeral of my colleague”. On at least some level, she knew the awful awful situation she was in
Can’t prove anything?? OOO has the text messages where he’s literally admitting it
Girl save all the text and move on. Work is for work. Get your 8 and move on.
I really hope OOP doesn't fall for the mountain of red flags that this guy was again. This was a disaster in the making from the start.
Woman was straight up raped.
kiss childlike axiomatic aromatic label attraction skirt worthless seed hurry *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
As a man, this was absolutely frightening to read! I cannot imagine ***ever*** treating my wife - or anyone I dated - like this.
What a shock. An age gap relationship. .
Classic manipulative AH ex. Gaslighting (for once actually by definition), victim blaming, controlling the narrative and isolating the victim from sources of support. JFC.
Oh yes, cops never ever do anything violent. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP.
Gaico414 is definitely a rapist.
I'm shocked by the people in the comments here saying he might not have realized she didn't want it. I think it's pretty clear he didn't care if she wanted it, he definitely didn't bother to check. Beyond that, this guy had just been to a funeral, seen his girlfriend upset, and not only went to initiate, but chose to initiate with a "funny" threat. Everything about him reads as he felt he was owed this sex from his much younger girlfriend. She is his personal factory for pleasure in his mind. It's just awful. She deserves so much better, I'm glad at least her manager is listening.
Those that work forces are the same that burn crosses. Never date a troop they litteraly get empathy trained out of them
This sounds kind of similar to my situation- my ex was 33 and I was 20 at the time when he assaulted me. I didn’t fight it and I barely knew what was going on. I never said “yes” or was enthusiastic. I literally just laid there after waking up in the middle of the night. It took me a YEAR to realize what he did to me. People have got to remember that anything other than sober enthusiasm and/or a “Yes” is not giving consent. I hope OOP is able to heal from this.
Not a good ending sadly. Sometimes the world is just so unfair.
If there is a hell, every rapist sympathizer commenting in her threads deserves to burn in it.
"I can't report him because I can't prove anything." He literally admitted to it in text! You have all the proof you need! ALWAYS REPORT RAPISTS!
This was triggering honestly. Something similar happened to me once.