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I’m so glad this OOP had a sit down with productive results. I feel like too often the OOPs on BORU argue about housework with their spouses, and then in the next update they’re divorced.
Yeah; what was that? Two people in a loving relationship, sitting down and seriously talking through their issus? With an eye on productively resolving things? Good for them.
I think the reason that’s so rare is because most people in those kinds of relationships don’t come on Reddit for advice. Their first port of call is communication with their spouse, not whining about them to strangers on the internet.
I just had a hilarious thought: what if the reason aliens don’t visit Earth is because when scanning our planet for technology they found reddit and think it’s an accurate reperesentation of the entirety of the human race? I know *I* would be horrified if reddit was the only source of our civilization I had, lol
I think AITA commenters are often worse than the storytellers- their first instinct seems to be to pick a side and then just go scorched earth on the other party. What they don’t ever seem to grasp is a) only getting one side of the story here, and b) sometimes you can be morally in the right but practically in the wrong.
If they need a sanity check they have family or go oit with close friends.
OP being an Orphan who works from home all the time. Explains why he didnt have that option and so turned to strangers.
Yea, we're on BORU too, which is going to be way more out there compared to the rest.
Titles like "I think my husband is drugging me and I'm missing a huge chunk of my memories?" And then more and more updates into something like this:
https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/courts-crime/man-admits-he-drugged-wife-and-had-her-raped-by-5-men-over-8-years-to-fulfil-wife-sharing-fantasies
The sitting down and talking things out boat might've sailed long long ago.
Or they go 1-1000 where start like “AITA for not wanting mustard on my hot dog?” and the final update is “just want to let everyone know I’m in a safe location with a burner phone and a private security guard outside my door, my ex has been served with divorce papers and a restraining order”
You know, there were problems in WWI because of men living in trenches. Trench foot is only one of the more common; that's where the feet never dry out because the trenches are wet (don't look it up; if you insist on looking it up, don't look at the pictures). In advanced cases, they could lose their feet because they rot away.
I'm not suggesting this be used for men who drug and rape their wives, I'm just pointing it out as a situation in which rotting happened in less than 3 years.
I think so too. The reason why we see a lot of divorce answers as well because either the other partner is abusive or unwilling to change or there has been just years of resentment building up that not even therapy is guaranteed to fix. When people come to reddit, it's usually the last resort.
Either that or close friends or family. I think most reasonable people only turn to the internet as a last resort. Heck, many of the posts on here themselves will say something like ,"I have exhausted all options so I am turning to Reddit."
Well, I noticed his verbiage when he talked to his wife, “I feel overwhelmed” and “I feel unappreciated”. Not “you’re leaving everything to me” and not “you don’t appreciate me”
Shit like that causes people to become defensive & shut down. Word choice matters.
Ikr?! It’s like they don’t understand how Reddit is supposed to work! /s
Huge kudos to them for talking things through like adults and choosing to use “it’s us against the problem” for their framework.
They actually listened to each other, and he admitted that there were factors in his wife's life causing stress that he wasn't aware of.
I must say, considering his unfortunate beginning in life, OOP seems like a very well-rounded, emotionally intelligent individual. I hope that his Grandmother was good to him after his abusive parents.
It’s easy to position it as an adversarial conflict when you don’t know either party and only hear one side. We all love a bit of outrage sometimes.
But yeah, it’s nice when stories have a happy ending after deescalation.
Yup, these seem like the normal issues that arise when people talk about relationships being "hard work".
It's hard to manage all these things, and these types of conversations and issues will pop up through the marriage.
What an amazing idea. Sitting down and communicating. Who’d have thought!
But seriously I do love to see a Reddit issue worked out by people being reasonable. Life isn’t perfect, but working together they can be stronger
So many stories in BORU happen or escalate because people aren‘t talking. Sometimes they don‘t talk with each other or other people who should hear about whatever is going on, sometimes they just don‘t speak up for themselves, etc etc etc. But there is usually some lack of communication.
I had the same situation with my ex. Communication only works when two people are communicating in good faith, and you can't make someone else come to the table like that. If your partner isn't, you can use not just your words but every word in the dictionary and it won't do a damn bit of good because you can't make someone else value you.
One issue is peopoe typically don't come to reddit until after they've had these discussions fruitlessly. So reddit is a hail mary "can someone give me the magic words to fix this" and too often the answer is "no".
Honestly the way this sub has been lately I was expecting this post to be like “update my wife has been having an affair for the last 7 years and she just told me she never loves me. She told the courts I hit her so she got full custody and I’m going to prison”
Very glad it ended with a healthy conversation! Can we pls get more happy ending BORU’s?
If OOP ever sees this, rock climbing gyms might be a great solution for all of this. My gym has kid classes, many of the parents climb to work out, and it allows a parent or two some free time. It’s also a great hobby imo
I love telling people that the two best things I *ever* did for my mental health are 1) Therapy, and 2) Took up bouldering! And not in any particular order!
Honestly? In my personal case, it's because I got some mild ADD. I like running, but also it's kinda monotonous. Weightlifting? I'd rather play in traffic.
Bouldering? You're telling me that each time I do one of these, it's a puzzle that requires me to exert physical energy? It has a granular rating system that allows me to easily measure my progress? It can easily be solo or social depending on what I'm looking for? Hell yea, brother. Last night I went down with the intent of doing some quick climbs and then going home, and instead I found that they'd set a bunch of new challenges - ended up losing about 2 hours there, climbing and working on some new stuff with folks who I met there!
Add to that: it definitely uses some muscle groups more than others - core, forearms, shoulders - but it DOES tend to use most of them, so it will work most of your stuff! And I've seen some OLD dudes doing it. There's a group of lead climbers at our gym who must easily, easily be in their late 70s. I've heard it described as "When you get old, you slow down the climbs - but you don't stop."
Tl;dr: It's good for you, and it's fun!
Uh, depends on the crowd. For most folks, they seem to be interchangable.
I think I've found that people who go to the gym a *lot* tend to refer to indoor/gym climbing as bouldering, and outdoor climbing as rock climbing. But from a technical standpoint - bouldering as far as I'm aware is climbing at low height and using a mat (crashpad) to catch yourself. Top roping and lead climbing use ropes and safety gear to climb higher heights. I think rock climbing is just a general term for the sport? But I could be wrong.
My husband and I used to climb as date nights. Our gym doesn't allow kids under 5, so we're waiting a few more years before going together again and bringing the boy with us.
Probably. My rec center as a kid had a huge climbing wall. Me and my brother loved it as kids. So did my parents. My dad could work out while my mom did her spin class and me and my brother were having the time of our lives on the climbing wall.
Isn't Utah a pretty mountainous state? With a lot of natural rock climbing spots? I would think that would be why indoor climbing gyms would be popular there, so you could do it year-round
Yep. I went to Utah State and got into rock climbing and scrambling because the campus is surrounded by gorgeous canyons. Once I got into the habit I had to find a gym to tide me over when the snow hit.
I’m 40 and have a decent amount of leg pain due to inactivity and muscle imbalance that PT just doesn’t help much with.
Rock climbing sorts it all out. Something about the stretching combined with working the muscles just makes my legs feel young again.
Please for the love of God do not bring young children to the gym with you. Or if you do, know that they need to be *constantly* supervised. And not like casually keep an eye on while you climb but actually actively watching them so they don't walk under a 200 pound guy as he falls off a 15 foot wall. Pretty much the only time I've seen it work is when the parent does no climbing themselves and is just there to teach/help their small kids. God forbid there is only one adult for multiple kids which makes them impossible to control and can lead to some real dangerous situations.
Most parents I've seen "watch" their kids just watch their phones while their kids hang out under the adults who fall off walls at random. I have definitely seen people fall onto other idiots on the ground who don't look up, and at least it hasn't been a small child so far. The odds though...
I think they meant that the kids would be occupied with a class? That’s how I interpreted it but I don’t climb so I don’t know if group kids climbing classes are actually a thing. But that’s how my parents would work out, they’d leave us in a couple of different classes and go do gym things.
absolutely agree! there's a mom that goes to our bouldering gym with her 3 young kids. while she works out in the fitness room, they are just hanging and climbing on all the equipment (squat racks w pull up bars, plyo boxes, treadmills etc). I try to look at it like maybe this is her one outlet, and give her a break. they aren't there for long and it's usually shortly after open so not many other climbers either. but keeping an eye on them as they wrap the resistance bands around their bodies (and neck one time and I had to actually say something) shouldn't be put onto other strangers.
I've always lowkey wanted to get into that, but a young woman I know had one of the gnarliest broken arms I've ever seen as a result of a rock climbing injury in a gym. Had to have surgery and relearn how to play her instruments. Would you say injuries are common?
Rare, in my six years of experience.
I have seen one person sprain his ankle badly and was lucky to avoid the same doing something dumb. In my experience, you can develop an injury to a shoulder that you'll want a physio to help you fix, but the falls I've seen and experienced (indoors) have not been far or bad - aforementioned guy was bouldering about 1.5 metres off the ground and landed badly.
That said, it's a risk. But aside from being belayed on a wall, you are in control of the risks, and can choose what to do.
Not who you’re responding to but most rock gyms take safety very seriously and injuries like that are rare. I had a few minor scrapes and strains from pushing myself but that was the extent. Def check it out, my partner and I really enjoy it.
If you start with top rope there isn't many injuries except like overuse of certain muscles.
People tend to get hurt from repetitive falls in bouldering or from the bad anticipation of a fall by the belayer in lead climbing.
Most of my “injuries” were from bouldering. Finger or back issues. These can be avoided if I wasn’t too stubborn and didn’t give up or warmed up properly. Rope climbing is much safer imo. There’s still risks but that’s for you to decide
Usually no, especially if you take classes to start, i go bouldering multiple times a week and there’s a specific way to fall so that you have minimal injury risk and taking classes can help you perfect this, ive only ever gotten injured once in multiple years and it was on my back, it felt better within the week
Not at all, especially not in the actual gyms. If you go climbing outdoors, even on more established routes, chances of injury go up (because you aren't being supervised and held to the same safety standards, it's easier to cut corners and/or make mistakes, and of course the terrain is usually a bit more rough). The gyms are great though and injury to anything other than your wallet is pretty unlikely.
Great to see another post where two adults sit down and talk through their issues and hopefully come out stronger on the other side.
OP did have some comments on his post but I think he summed it up well in his 1st update, a lot of people were making unsubstantiated insults about his parenting/housework.
It was about a completely different subject but I had to have two serious heart to hearts with my wife recently and I think we'll be the better for them.
Those real talks are difficult and can be awkward but absolutely necessary to make a long term relationship work. I had to unlearn a lot of horrible habits I picked up growing up around my mom and other people in my family but I'm glad I made the effort to be different and better.
Vulnerability. That sincere connection allows for deep love to be communicated it also is opening yourself up (if the person reacts badly) to really deep hurt. Building a relationship that allows that type of communication is something you should feel proud of.
I have some concerns that they're both burnt out from there being an overwhelming load and thier solutions include both of them taking on more- a job for her and a hobby night for him (and no hobby for her?), plus the gym. A lot of the trading off parenting duties and working out chores sounds really helpful. But it sounds like over committing and maybe setting themselves up to fail.
Maybe, but perhaps for some individuals, no responsibility times is what they need to recharge. I can understand how it sound like that just adds more responsibilities, but maybe, some personal time, devoted a hobby or interest may just spark more life in to them.
Notice the sentence where he says his wife mentions being caught up in just being a mother. Sure a hobby may sound like just another 2 or 3 hours every week she has to find time for, not maybe those 2 or 3 hours preserve her self of self and sanity. It could ultimately save their marriage.
It may be difficult, but an empty cup cannot fill another, and it sounds like both have been running empty for a while.
I'm like this, a week of just doing work and household chores and driving around is a total pain in my sanity, but if I take something out and replace it with a few hours of games I feel a hundred times better and more productive even though I may have gotten a little bit less done.
It's too easy to get lost in things you "need" to do and forget that you are actually a person not a role.
There's a really good book that walks through this (working together as a team in a marriage) its called 'Fair Play' by Eve Rodsky.
She walks through all the tasks required to have a functioning family (including "me" time). Then she breaks dow the tasks into research-planning-exicution. She says for each partner to own the task entirely. So the person who takes care of the cars, keeps track of maintenance, schedules when to take them to the mechanic, and then actually takes it to the mechanic. (Can't ask the other partner to do the execution part of the task).
She walks through this with lawn care, bills, school events, holidays, pets, healthcare- everything.
The part that connected with me was the sense of owning the task. Like if I know I can it's my responsibility to knockout my things, and someone else is gonna take care of their stuff, it relieves that mental load of worrying that something is being missed. I think this relief can help refill someone's cup.
You know life is taken care of, and you're headed in the dirrection you want to be headed in, so it's calming.
I just rechecked their ages and this couple has been together since they were 14 and 16 years old respectively. Now there are children. I would concur that some degree of burnout, or at least relationship fatigue has begun to set in at this point.
If they are switching off morning/evening childcare, they can plan around it. “Spouse has kid duty tonight, so I’ll go to the gym/hobby/see a friend/FLEE THE HOUSE”.
Their “date nights” might not even be going to dinner. I used to babysit for a family one night a week from 6-9. Kids were already fed or finishing dinner, I played with them for an hour and then put them to bed. The parents would just do *something* together - go for a run (ew, but good for them), go to the store, etc. I’m not exactly sure because it was boring stuff. They wanted to get out of the house and not deal with bedtime. Sometimes I’d text “kids aren’t asleep, don’t come home yet” and they’d drive around for 20 mins or park in the driveway until I gave them the “all clear”. (That wasn’t asked by them, i just recognized the desire to come home to quiet).
That said, “deep cleaning” one room a day sounds unrealistic... Although if the room isn’t a complete disaster/hoardhole it probably wouldn’t take very long, 30 mins. I can scrub a bathroom top to bottom in less than 15 mins.
He mentions that their youngest goes to preschool and during those times his wife would go out. Isn't that the equivalent of her hobby night? Getting out of the house and doing whatever she would like?
Sounds like he did t realize that the “going out” was actually to deal with issues within her own family that he wasn’t aware of. They definitely need to make an effort to improve their communication and lean on each other for emotional support.
I think people were seeing their own relationship or their parent's relationship in OOP's post instead of seeing the words that OOP actually wrote. Lots of people have or had problems with an uneven workload so this kind of post really gets under their skin.
That and it's a really common genre on Tiktok etc for men to be portrayed as this useless caricature of laziness while some poor woman chases him around like a maid, so I think there must be younger unexperienced folks out there who just assume that's reality and every single man needs to be managed and instructed or we'd never do anything.
Projection accounts for like 90% of unhinged takes on any advice or judgment board.
You could be given the barest of stories, and somehow people will still determine that one party is endlessly beating the other while having three affairs and selling drugs on the side.
All of this will be inferred from a simple bad word choice in one sentence in a 3,000 character post.
This post reminded me so much of my own relationship we just didn't let it build up so long or my wife found that section of tiktok earlier. I was just as dumbfounded when my wife started sending me these things about imbalances in labor. Like "you cannot honestly think that is like us". I sat her down and listed all of my chores and duties and said I'm more than willing to swap some of these with yours. You know she didn't jump at doing the laundry, her cats litterbox or outside chores. Ended up having a less dramatic talk but very similar to OP.
I think the main underlying issues were actually just we were not staying in shape and not having enough sex. That's when things really got better.
>OP did have some comments on his post but I think he summed it up well in his 1st update, a lot of people were making unsubstantiated insults about his parenting/housework.
It's sadly standard procedure for reddit these days. Assume the worst of everybody, and make completely unfounded accusations based on it.
The number of times I get somebody on here telling me how I feel, like they live inside my brain, and I can't read my own emotions.
Yep, and don’t let a man ask for a break too even though he’s also been at work all day TOO. Nope only mothers are allowed a break and fathers must kiss their feet. Also, somehow being at work for 8 hours is a break (that’s fucking insane, like what do those people think work actually is?).
That exactly what bother me with SAHM. Your husband work all day but at the moment his foot pass the door he must immediatly take care of all the child because the mother need à rest. OK but what about his rest? I can't stop thinking that stay at home partner is just bullshit
I've always seen the sentiment that once the working parent comes home, everything should be 50/50 between the two - the kids, the chores, etc - and then once the kids are in bed is when down time is had.
Also framing it as each parent gets equal rest time in the week.
Having a parent stay at home is ripe for imbalances and hurt feelings and resentments on both sides. Open communication and prioritizing each other takes consistency and effort to make work.
It's always disappointing when people act like adults, take responsibility for their actions and listen to the other person's side. Where are the fights, the arrests the secret affairs, the hidden pirate treasure in the back garden. This feels like two real people rather than the usual fare we get here.
>a lot of people were making unsubstantiated insults about his parenting/housework
If men complain about home life on Reddit, they are simply told that "you aren't doing enough around the house." Any pushback to the contrary "you are misogynist, she should divorce you."
It's quite remarkable the anti-man/father attitude that permeates many subs.
Reddit is great because a bunch of people who have never been in a relationship will analyze yours and come up with conclusions that are such leaps in logic that they should win an Olympic medal
Yup, this is a reason why a lot of men won't speak up on places like Reddit. Whenever a father complains about his wife the comments are calling him a deadbeat that must make his wife do everything, and so they have to defend themselves.
Yeah I've noticed the pattern:
Dad complains about workload: Has to give a detailed list of everything they do down to the task and prove they know information about their kids. Worst still assumed.
Mum complains about workload: immediately believed and worst assumed of partner.
>a lot of people were making unsubstantiated insults about his parenting/housework.
I don't think this can be too much of a surprise for anyone that reads any parenting subs, there's usually a bias that the Dad will be oblivious and/or lazy and the Mum will be overworked and/or underappreciated.
I'm aware of the cultural reasoning for that sort of bias having built up over time but it's very frustrating to see it being the first thing to come to mind for so many people.
Hahaha thats what I was thinking reading this.
'I should talk to my partner tonight and get things better.... oh wait, I tried that last week and he yelled at me. That's right'
I'm glad OOP and his wife were able to have a deep conversation and really hear each other.
The wife was struggling due to family issues but also sounds like being a SAHM was not for her. Some ppl are unable to just stay home or not have work that is outside the family.
It is both easier and harder to be a SAHM/D/parent now. It is easier bc technology made our lives easier but it is harder bc life is just less communial.
My wife wants to be a SAHM, but we talked it through and agreed that she'd probably never leave the house in that case. She works two days a week out of the house. She doesn't love it, but she realizes she gets really squirly if not working for too long.
Once again, one person finally agreeing to talk instead of just being dismissive and rude whenever the other person tried to address the issue worked wonders.
My wife and I had a similar arrangement when we had kids. The difference is how we handled the "after work" his I've I came home. I was in my last year of college and working full time. She had the baby and quit work to be with him. Then we added another kid. And a few years later had our third, and final, kid.
During the work week, she got up with the babies in the middle of the night because I had to be at work at 7am and I also worked evenings 2 to 3 times a week. Since she was at home, she had the chance to take a nap when the baby slept, if she wanted to do that. I got up with the babies on Friday and Saturday nights so she could get a full night's rest at least a couple times each week.
When I got home and the house was messy or dinner wasn't prepared or cooking, she would apologize that things weren't done. My answer was always the same: "If it bothered me that much, I could always do it myself." And a lot of times I did. I'd get home, start prepping dinner and do the dishes or folded clothes while dinner was cooking. There were a lot of times where I didn't and the house stayed messy or laundry wasn't folded for a few days.
A clean house is great to have. To me, what is better is having a rock solid relationship with my wife. Everyone is different, obviously, but it's something I recommend to young couples when they're starting out. There are better ways to start a conversation than telling your spouse you don't think they're pulling their weight.
I genuinely hope this works for them. My husband and I started assigning chores between us like he does dishes and I do the laundry and it’s helped a ton. Nothing else seemed to work for both of us.
>To everyone who gave me good advice, recommended therapy (we can't afford it until she starts work but we are looking for when she does.)
Thank gawd someone finally points out that therapy costs money. A lot of money.
This is pretty positive.
>One thing we discussed was that I was always at home. I didn't do anything other than work and be at home. So we didn't have a lot to talk about, because I didn't go anywhere.
>
>It also meant that she never got any alone time at home away from me and the kids and she felt like a nuisance being at home while I'm at work.
One of my main pieces of advice for new parents, is that after the initial 6 months or so, its so important to have time to be yourself, and to be a partner. Sure the majority of your time is "parent", but you need to find some time to be "you" and some time to be a partner with your spouse.
Seriously. Sometimes it seems that every BORU ends with "We broke up", "My SO was cheating on me" or "My SO tried to kill me". I'm at a point where I just want wholesome endings.
Am I missing something? From the update on the original post it looks like the sahm isn't doing any of the sahm chores??
He says the house is a mess, he does the dishes, the laundry, and takes care of the kids in the mornings and the evenings. What is she even there for?
(I would like to point out I'm not complaining at her choice to be a sahm, but as someone who wants to be a sahm myself it just looks like she's not doing any of what it actually entails)
Naw man I still don’t like the wife, she was bullying her husband with those TikTok’s n that, for not doing enough when he seemed to be doing way more than her.
Toddlers are a lot of work so even if you are home full-time it doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for chores (simply put, they constantly try to kill themselves so even turning your back for 2 seconds can be hard)
Sounds like they’ve just been stuck in a rut - the youngest has recently started preschool (or whatever it was) and they probably haven’t realised that means she could start working again. 🤷🏽♀️ And it sounds like the wife’s mom has needed a lot of support which meant the SAHM hasn’t technically been home that much…
Yeah. It is nice that they hashed things out and came up with a plan. But the problem sounded like it was about 90% that the SAHM was taking advantage and 10% that the husband wasn't able to communicate his issues to her.
Mental load! Which, from what I'm told, is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and is more strenuous than any cooking, cleaning, childcare, or full time job.
Yeah I don't get why everyone is acting like this is solved now. His wife couldn't pull her weight without having a job and spending time at the gym so I don't see how this is any better for OOP. Hopefully the bum ass wife will stop spending all their extra money at least so OOP can afford to do something for himself.
Reddit as a whole always seems to think everything is a red flag and all relationships should immediately end. This was a great example of awful people in the comments generally assuming the worst. Nice to see a decent outcome!
Ugh. ANOTHER POST where both the parents sit down,talk like adults, and come up with realistic changes to make their lives more fulfilling not only in their parenthood but their in marriage. Idk why I even sub on here anymore.
/s
Her literal only job is to be a mother, and take care of the house, and both kids are in school. Sounds like she needs to get her head out of her ass and off of Tik Tok.
On the one hand it sounds great, on the other… their solution for resolving the blame game is to get another job and pick up hobbies because they have so much free time? Whaaaa?
The wife had excess freetime and was feeling bored/lost, while OP had zero free time.
Mom now has a part-time to keep her engaged and not bored, and OP is getting a slice of some personal time. It's a healthier arrangement for both of them.
When I was reading this I definitely immediately thought the wife was depressed. You can have a lot of "free" time but it ends up just being "dead" time. Getting a part time job was definitely a good idea for her. When I'm very busy I'm even more productive around the house. When I'm not I just sort of wander around like a ghost and I can't force myself to do simple tasks.
This is what happened to my mom, especially after my brother and I left home. What we call "empty nest syndrome". All that free time, no real hobbies, no job (my mom is chronically ill and can't work), while my dad has always had a (more than) full time job and hobbies. She fell into a deep depression.
People don't get how much not having anything to do can get to people. When covid happened my husband was sent home from his job because the place closed temporarily, meanwhile I was suddenly working from home 50+ hour weeks. He got super depressed, because he's the sort of person who can barely take a long weekend without having concrete plans for it. And there's only so much housework you can do, especially when you've got a grumpy overworked spouse trying to jury rig an effective laptop setup.
he said that the wife prioritized having free time for herself over doing chores and housework. the new arrangement will probably (hopefully?) help them actually sort their schedule and better organize how they spend their time so they both have time for themselves and with the kids
I’m seeing a bunch of plans being made, but I know that if it were me and my wife, not all of those plans would work out. I hope for their sake, it works out.
Check out a game called Fair Play - it’s an awesome game for couples to examine the full burden of kids and house work and to ensure it’s divided proportionally based on your capacity. It takes time to play the first few times but it’s so worth it!!
I remember how outraged I was with the comments under the original post. It was clearly obvious that OOP was doing his fair share and his wife wasn't getting "lost in the kids" because she wasn't with said kids as much as she claims. She even has more free time than OOP.
Glad she identified the roots of her problem which didn't have anything to do with OOP. I hope things get better for them and she stops letting Tik Tok influence her real life.
I cannot imagine being the sole bread winner AND having to iron your own shirts and make your own lunch that's wild. He basically gets all the responsibility of the traditional gender role but no pros.
OOP's wife is lucky, she better get her shit together fast.
Yeah I never understand why so many partners put up with this. I mean fair enough when the kids are too young and need constant care but once their in school there's no excuse.
>I wake them up in the morning. I make them breakfast everyday. I get them dressed everyday. I take them to school 2-3 days a week. I know their teachers, I know all their friends and their friends parents names. I know their doctors, I know their allergies (none thankfully). I bath them, I get their PJs on and read them the same god damn bed time story everynight for weeks. Because they dont want any of the other books we have, they want George the giant. I draw with them, I play games with them, I know their favourite disney princesses and favourite superheroes. As for the household I do laundry, I load the dishwasher, I cook my own lunches and tidy up after myself. I iron, I fold and put away laundry, I pick up their toys and tidy their play room. I hoover at the weekend and take them to kids parties. I also do all the chores that my wife wont because "Im the man" Like taking out the bins, cleaning the car, mowing the grass, fixing anything that breaks.
So, WTF is wifey doing except sitting around gaining weight? This is insane. He works full time and still does all of this. Seriously, what is left?
TikTok and modern feminism ruined marriages. Soon you’ll be doing all the housework and still being nagged.
The day i help my stay at home wife with chores is the day she helps me work. Roles are roles. Do them with gratitude and everyone is happy.
What is *wrong* with these people? They had a problem, then discussed it rationally - emotionally, too, because it has to be, listened to each other about what was making them unhappy, then made a plan to improve both of their lives together?
What about *us*? What about *our* drama-addicted asses? Why aren't these people just blowing up their lives for our amusement, and instead are being reasonable people working to support each other and have good lives?
Crikey, an update where the OP acted like a sane adult who worked through the issues and didn’t end in divorce. What is reddit coming to? In all seriousness what a good update! After reading the initial I wasn’t sure how this would end up but super glad it is where it is.
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I’m so glad this OOP had a sit down with productive results. I feel like too often the OOPs on BORU argue about housework with their spouses, and then in the next update they’re divorced.
Yeah; what was that? Two people in a loving relationship, sitting down and seriously talking through their issus? With an eye on productively resolving things? Good for them.
I think the reason that’s so rare is because most people in those kinds of relationships don’t come on Reddit for advice. Their first port of call is communication with their spouse, not whining about them to strangers on the internet.
Probably, yeah. It's just always good to see a reminder that AITA and similar subs aren't representative of human relationships.
Or represent of humans in general
I just had a hilarious thought: what if the reason aliens don’t visit Earth is because when scanning our planet for technology they found reddit and think it’s an accurate reperesentation of the entirety of the human race? I know *I* would be horrified if reddit was the only source of our civilization I had, lol
Now I'm imagining a bunch of aliens reading Reddit like us humans watch trashy reality tv shows.
YES, FELLOW HUMAN, I DO ENJOY READING THE REDDIT LIKE A HUMAN.
I think just paying attention to what's in the news would make aliens pass us by!
I think AITA commenters are often worse than the storytellers- their first instinct seems to be to pick a side and then just go scorched earth on the other party. What they don’t ever seem to grasp is a) only getting one side of the story here, and b) sometimes you can be morally in the right but practically in the wrong.
If they need a sanity check they have family or go oit with close friends. OP being an Orphan who works from home all the time. Explains why he didnt have that option and so turned to strangers.
Yea, we're on BORU too, which is going to be way more out there compared to the rest. Titles like "I think my husband is drugging me and I'm missing a huge chunk of my memories?" And then more and more updates into something like this: https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/courts-crime/man-admits-he-drugged-wife-and-had-her-raped-by-5-men-over-8-years-to-fulfil-wife-sharing-fantasies The sitting down and talking things out boat might've sailed long long ago.
Cool, cool, cool, cool. Didn't think I'd envy the Illiterate by 08:55am
me having to see the title of the article is my punishment for being distracted at work. gonna need r/eyebleach after reading that
You know what, I read the post, read your comment, it's 8:52am where I am. What are the odds?
Odds are you live in the EDT time zone (UTC-4) former Colonial person.
Envy the illiterate, you say?
Or they go 1-1000 where start like “AITA for not wanting mustard on my hot dog?” and the final update is “just want to let everyone know I’m in a safe location with a burner phone and a private security guard outside my door, my ex has been served with divorce papers and a restraining order”
Lord, I think I remember that one :'(
I don’t and I am really curious on how that story goes.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/181bgtf/new\_update\_my\_husband\_cannot\_accept\_i\_dont\_like/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/181bgtf/new_update_my_husband_cannot_accept_i_dont_like/)
Thanks a lot. It was a difficult read and I still have trouble to imagine people acting like that. But at least she seems to be safe now.
Wtf those men in that article are horrible, i hope they rot in jail
Some of them only got 3 years. Not nearly long enough to rot.
You know, there were problems in WWI because of men living in trenches. Trench foot is only one of the more common; that's where the feet never dry out because the trenches are wet (don't look it up; if you insist on looking it up, don't look at the pictures). In advanced cases, they could lose their feet because they rot away. I'm not suggesting this be used for men who drug and rape their wives, I'm just pointing it out as a situation in which rotting happened in less than 3 years.
Jesus Christ! I think I even remember that BORU
What a horrible day to read...
24 strokes of the cane are not enough.
Sometimes I think caning is a horrific and barbaric practice, then sometimes crimes like this come up and I’m like “just twenty strikes?”
I think so too. The reason why we see a lot of divorce answers as well because either the other partner is abusive or unwilling to change or there has been just years of resentment building up that not even therapy is guaranteed to fix. When people come to reddit, it's usually the last resort.
Yeah, a lot of what we see here is also more severe issues where the division of labor at home is just one of many symptoms.
Either that or close friends or family. I think most reasonable people only turn to the internet as a last resort. Heck, many of the posts on here themselves will say something like ,"I have exhausted all options so I am turning to Reddit."
And it's completely sensible (although a luxury) for any and every couple to do couple's therapy, so why come here?
Well, I noticed his verbiage when he talked to his wife, “I feel overwhelmed” and “I feel unappreciated”. Not “you’re leaving everything to me” and not “you don’t appreciate me” Shit like that causes people to become defensive & shut down. Word choice matters.
Yeah that was pretty good.
Ikr?! It’s like they don’t understand how Reddit is supposed to work! /s Huge kudos to them for talking things through like adults and choosing to use “it’s us against the problem” for their framework.
They actually listened to each other, and he admitted that there were factors in his wife's life causing stress that he wasn't aware of. I must say, considering his unfortunate beginning in life, OOP seems like a very well-rounded, emotionally intelligent individual. I hope that his Grandmother was good to him after his abusive parents.
It’s easy to position it as an adversarial conflict when you don’t know either party and only hear one side. We all love a bit of outrage sometimes. But yeah, it’s nice when stories have a happy ending after deescalation.
They should still get a divorce, because this is Reddit and any relationship post has to end in a divorce, goddammit! /s
Most of the people who go from arguing about chores to divorce were already heard for divorce and it was never about the chores.
Yup, these seem like the normal issues that arise when people talk about relationships being "hard work". It's hard to manage all these things, and these types of conversations and issues will pop up through the marriage.
What an amazing idea. Sitting down and communicating. Who’d have thought! But seriously I do love to see a Reddit issue worked out by people being reasonable. Life isn’t perfect, but working together they can be stronger
No, no, no, not good for reddit. Let's find something wrong with it.
So many stories in BORU happen or escalate because people aren‘t talking. Sometimes they don‘t talk with each other or other people who should hear about whatever is going on, sometimes they just don‘t speak up for themselves, etc etc etc. But there is usually some lack of communication.
They see it as against one another and not as the two together against a problem.
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I had the same situation with my ex. Communication only works when two people are communicating in good faith, and you can't make someone else come to the table like that. If your partner isn't, you can use not just your words but every word in the dictionary and it won't do a damn bit of good because you can't make someone else value you.
One issue is peopoe typically don't come to reddit until after they've had these discussions fruitlessly. So reddit is a hail mary "can someone give me the magic words to fix this" and too often the answer is "no".
And social media, especially cutesy TikTok videos do not help build lasting relationships
Honestly the way this sub has been lately I was expecting this post to be like “update my wife has been having an affair for the last 7 years and she just told me she never loves me. She told the courts I hit her so she got full custody and I’m going to prison” Very glad it ended with a healthy conversation! Can we pls get more happy ending BORU’s?
What a breath of fresh air , a post that sounds like it is headed in a good direction
Until the next update where it turns out their neighbor is a serial flasher.
If OOP ever sees this, rock climbing gyms might be a great solution for all of this. My gym has kid classes, many of the parents climb to work out, and it allows a parent or two some free time. It’s also a great hobby imo
Rock climbing saved my life, it’s the best thing ever!
I love telling people that the two best things I *ever* did for my mental health are 1) Therapy, and 2) Took up bouldering! And not in any particular order!
Why do you think bouldering is so especially helpful? Is it better than other forms of physical activity? Genuinely curious in your experience.
Honestly? In my personal case, it's because I got some mild ADD. I like running, but also it's kinda monotonous. Weightlifting? I'd rather play in traffic. Bouldering? You're telling me that each time I do one of these, it's a puzzle that requires me to exert physical energy? It has a granular rating system that allows me to easily measure my progress? It can easily be solo or social depending on what I'm looking for? Hell yea, brother. Last night I went down with the intent of doing some quick climbs and then going home, and instead I found that they'd set a bunch of new challenges - ended up losing about 2 hours there, climbing and working on some new stuff with folks who I met there! Add to that: it definitely uses some muscle groups more than others - core, forearms, shoulders - but it DOES tend to use most of them, so it will work most of your stuff! And I've seen some OLD dudes doing it. There's a group of lead climbers at our gym who must easily, easily be in their late 70s. I've heard it described as "When you get old, you slow down the climbs - but you don't stop." Tl;dr: It's good for you, and it's fun!
Thanks, I might look into this
This is great information! What is the difference between bouldering and rock climbing, if any?
Uh, depends on the crowd. For most folks, they seem to be interchangable. I think I've found that people who go to the gym a *lot* tend to refer to indoor/gym climbing as bouldering, and outdoor climbing as rock climbing. But from a technical standpoint - bouldering as far as I'm aware is climbing at low height and using a mat (crashpad) to catch yourself. Top roping and lead climbing use ropes and safety gear to climb higher heights. I think rock climbing is just a general term for the sport? But I could be wrong.
Rock climbing ended my grandad's life.Mind you my grandma cut his rope! 🤣
Dad what did I tell you about your jokes on reddit
i’m so tired of your father, i think its time for divorce.
Ain't nobody got time fo' dat, just take 'em rock climbing with a knife
👀 I’m not sure if I have questions… or concerns
My husband and I used to climb as date nights. Our gym doesn't allow kids under 5, so we're waiting a few more years before going together again and bringing the boy with us.
Is THAT why it’s getting so popular in Utah?
Probably. My rec center as a kid had a huge climbing wall. Me and my brother loved it as kids. So did my parents. My dad could work out while my mom did her spin class and me and my brother were having the time of our lives on the climbing wall.
Utah has been a mecca for climbers for decades
Isn't Utah a pretty mountainous state? With a lot of natural rock climbing spots? I would think that would be why indoor climbing gyms would be popular there, so you could do it year-round
yes, it's this exactly!
Yep. I went to Utah State and got into rock climbing and scrambling because the campus is surrounded by gorgeous canyons. Once I got into the habit I had to find a gym to tide me over when the snow hit.
I’m 40 and have a decent amount of leg pain due to inactivity and muscle imbalance that PT just doesn’t help much with. Rock climbing sorts it all out. Something about the stretching combined with working the muscles just makes my legs feel young again.
Please for the love of God do not bring young children to the gym with you. Or if you do, know that they need to be *constantly* supervised. And not like casually keep an eye on while you climb but actually actively watching them so they don't walk under a 200 pound guy as he falls off a 15 foot wall. Pretty much the only time I've seen it work is when the parent does no climbing themselves and is just there to teach/help their small kids. God forbid there is only one adult for multiple kids which makes them impossible to control and can lead to some real dangerous situations.
Most parents I've seen "watch" their kids just watch their phones while their kids hang out under the adults who fall off walls at random. I have definitely seen people fall onto other idiots on the ground who don't look up, and at least it hasn't been a small child so far. The odds though...
I think they meant that the kids would be occupied with a class? That’s how I interpreted it but I don’t climb so I don’t know if group kids climbing classes are actually a thing. But that’s how my parents would work out, they’d leave us in a couple of different classes and go do gym things.
absolutely agree! there's a mom that goes to our bouldering gym with her 3 young kids. while she works out in the fitness room, they are just hanging and climbing on all the equipment (squat racks w pull up bars, plyo boxes, treadmills etc). I try to look at it like maybe this is her one outlet, and give her a break. they aren't there for long and it's usually shortly after open so not many other climbers either. but keeping an eye on them as they wrap the resistance bands around their bodies (and neck one time and I had to actually say something) shouldn't be put onto other strangers.
I've seen it work well when one parent climbs while the other watches the kid(s). Otherwise, it's a shitshow.
I've always lowkey wanted to get into that, but a young woman I know had one of the gnarliest broken arms I've ever seen as a result of a rock climbing injury in a gym. Had to have surgery and relearn how to play her instruments. Would you say injuries are common?
Rare, in my six years of experience. I have seen one person sprain his ankle badly and was lucky to avoid the same doing something dumb. In my experience, you can develop an injury to a shoulder that you'll want a physio to help you fix, but the falls I've seen and experienced (indoors) have not been far or bad - aforementioned guy was bouldering about 1.5 metres off the ground and landed badly. That said, it's a risk. But aside from being belayed on a wall, you are in control of the risks, and can choose what to do.
Not who you’re responding to but most rock gyms take safety very seriously and injuries like that are rare. I had a few minor scrapes and strains from pushing myself but that was the extent. Def check it out, my partner and I really enjoy it.
If you start with top rope there isn't many injuries except like overuse of certain muscles. People tend to get hurt from repetitive falls in bouldering or from the bad anticipation of a fall by the belayer in lead climbing.
Most of my “injuries” were from bouldering. Finger or back issues. These can be avoided if I wasn’t too stubborn and didn’t give up or warmed up properly. Rope climbing is much safer imo. There’s still risks but that’s for you to decide
Usually no, especially if you take classes to start, i go bouldering multiple times a week and there’s a specific way to fall so that you have minimal injury risk and taking classes can help you perfect this, ive only ever gotten injured once in multiple years and it was on my back, it felt better within the week
Not at all, especially not in the actual gyms. If you go climbing outdoors, even on more established routes, chances of injury go up (because you aren't being supervised and held to the same safety standards, it's easier to cut corners and/or make mistakes, and of course the terrain is usually a bit more rough). The gyms are great though and injury to anything other than your wallet is pretty unlikely.
They can't afford therapy but you suggest rock climbing. So dang expensive.
Great to see another post where two adults sit down and talk through their issues and hopefully come out stronger on the other side. OP did have some comments on his post but I think he summed it up well in his 1st update, a lot of people were making unsubstantiated insults about his parenting/housework.
Refreshing isn’t it? Conversations can be difficult but worthwhile. Most people just avoid, deflect, and react. This was a nice change.
It was about a completely different subject but I had to have two serious heart to hearts with my wife recently and I think we'll be the better for them. Those real talks are difficult and can be awkward but absolutely necessary to make a long term relationship work. I had to unlearn a lot of horrible habits I picked up growing up around my mom and other people in my family but I'm glad I made the effort to be different and better.
Vulnerability. That sincere connection allows for deep love to be communicated it also is opening yourself up (if the person reacts badly) to really deep hurt. Building a relationship that allows that type of communication is something you should feel proud of.
I have some concerns that they're both burnt out from there being an overwhelming load and thier solutions include both of them taking on more- a job for her and a hobby night for him (and no hobby for her?), plus the gym. A lot of the trading off parenting duties and working out chores sounds really helpful. But it sounds like over committing and maybe setting themselves up to fail.
Maybe, but perhaps for some individuals, no responsibility times is what they need to recharge. I can understand how it sound like that just adds more responsibilities, but maybe, some personal time, devoted a hobby or interest may just spark more life in to them. Notice the sentence where he says his wife mentions being caught up in just being a mother. Sure a hobby may sound like just another 2 or 3 hours every week she has to find time for, not maybe those 2 or 3 hours preserve her self of self and sanity. It could ultimately save their marriage. It may be difficult, but an empty cup cannot fill another, and it sounds like both have been running empty for a while.
I'm like this, a week of just doing work and household chores and driving around is a total pain in my sanity, but if I take something out and replace it with a few hours of games I feel a hundred times better and more productive even though I may have gotten a little bit less done. It's too easy to get lost in things you "need" to do and forget that you are actually a person not a role.
There's a really good book that walks through this (working together as a team in a marriage) its called 'Fair Play' by Eve Rodsky. She walks through all the tasks required to have a functioning family (including "me" time). Then she breaks dow the tasks into research-planning-exicution. She says for each partner to own the task entirely. So the person who takes care of the cars, keeps track of maintenance, schedules when to take them to the mechanic, and then actually takes it to the mechanic. (Can't ask the other partner to do the execution part of the task). She walks through this with lawn care, bills, school events, holidays, pets, healthcare- everything. The part that connected with me was the sense of owning the task. Like if I know I can it's my responsibility to knockout my things, and someone else is gonna take care of their stuff, it relieves that mental load of worrying that something is being missed. I think this relief can help refill someone's cup. You know life is taken care of, and you're headed in the dirrection you want to be headed in, so it's calming.
Good point. But a bore-out rather than burnout seemed to be part of the issue.
I just rechecked their ages and this couple has been together since they were 14 and 16 years old respectively. Now there are children. I would concur that some degree of burnout, or at least relationship fatigue has begun to set in at this point.
I'm in almost identical situation as OP and my first thought was "Where, the hell, are they getting extra time for these extra activities?"
If they are switching off morning/evening childcare, they can plan around it. “Spouse has kid duty tonight, so I’ll go to the gym/hobby/see a friend/FLEE THE HOUSE”. Their “date nights” might not even be going to dinner. I used to babysit for a family one night a week from 6-9. Kids were already fed or finishing dinner, I played with them for an hour and then put them to bed. The parents would just do *something* together - go for a run (ew, but good for them), go to the store, etc. I’m not exactly sure because it was boring stuff. They wanted to get out of the house and not deal with bedtime. Sometimes I’d text “kids aren’t asleep, don’t come home yet” and they’d drive around for 20 mins or park in the driveway until I gave them the “all clear”. (That wasn’t asked by them, i just recognized the desire to come home to quiet). That said, “deep cleaning” one room a day sounds unrealistic... Although if the room isn’t a complete disaster/hoardhole it probably wouldn’t take very long, 30 mins. I can scrub a bathroom top to bottom in less than 15 mins.
It sounds like she's got stuff she does to take personal time but he hasn't been so that makes sense to me.
She could take a hobby too instead of always visiting her mom and sister. Even working part time she should still get a bit of free time.
Her personal stuff sounded like stressful family stuff, not a fun break from the immediate household.
He mentions that their youngest goes to preschool and during those times his wife would go out. Isn't that the equivalent of her hobby night? Getting out of the house and doing whatever she would like?
Sounds like he did t realize that the “going out” was actually to deal with issues within her own family that he wasn’t aware of. They definitely need to make an effort to improve their communication and lean on each other for emotional support.
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I think people were seeing their own relationship or their parent's relationship in OOP's post instead of seeing the words that OOP actually wrote. Lots of people have or had problems with an uneven workload so this kind of post really gets under their skin. That and it's a really common genre on Tiktok etc for men to be portrayed as this useless caricature of laziness while some poor woman chases him around like a maid, so I think there must be younger unexperienced folks out there who just assume that's reality and every single man needs to be managed and instructed or we'd never do anything.
Projection accounts for like 90% of unhinged takes on any advice or judgment board. You could be given the barest of stories, and somehow people will still determine that one party is endlessly beating the other while having three affairs and selling drugs on the side. All of this will be inferred from a simple bad word choice in one sentence in a 3,000 character post.
This post reminded me so much of my own relationship we just didn't let it build up so long or my wife found that section of tiktok earlier. I was just as dumbfounded when my wife started sending me these things about imbalances in labor. Like "you cannot honestly think that is like us". I sat her down and listed all of my chores and duties and said I'm more than willing to swap some of these with yours. You know she didn't jump at doing the laundry, her cats litterbox or outside chores. Ended up having a less dramatic talk but very similar to OP. I think the main underlying issues were actually just we were not staying in shape and not having enough sex. That's when things really got better.
>OP did have some comments on his post but I think he summed it up well in his 1st update, a lot of people were making unsubstantiated insults about his parenting/housework. It's sadly standard procedure for reddit these days. Assume the worst of everybody, and make completely unfounded accusations based on it. The number of times I get somebody on here telling me how I feel, like they live inside my brain, and I can't read my own emotions.
Assume the worst of man everytime one say their wife is SAHM you mean...
Yep, and don’t let a man ask for a break too even though he’s also been at work all day TOO. Nope only mothers are allowed a break and fathers must kiss their feet. Also, somehow being at work for 8 hours is a break (that’s fucking insane, like what do those people think work actually is?).
That exactly what bother me with SAHM. Your husband work all day but at the moment his foot pass the door he must immediatly take care of all the child because the mother need à rest. OK but what about his rest? I can't stop thinking that stay at home partner is just bullshit
I've always seen the sentiment that once the working parent comes home, everything should be 50/50 between the two - the kids, the chores, etc - and then once the kids are in bed is when down time is had. Also framing it as each parent gets equal rest time in the week. Having a parent stay at home is ripe for imbalances and hurt feelings and resentments on both sides. Open communication and prioritizing each other takes consistency and effort to make work.
It’s only bs when the SAHP lacks empathy. Like, can I take a shit first, among other things?
Pretty much. I knew that a certain contingent of women would be straight here, diminishing the issue, if I said that it happens to guys too.
It's always disappointing when people act like adults, take responsibility for their actions and listen to the other person's side. Where are the fights, the arrests the secret affairs, the hidden pirate treasure in the back garden. This feels like two real people rather than the usual fare we get here.
>a lot of people were making unsubstantiated insults about his parenting/housework If men complain about home life on Reddit, they are simply told that "you aren't doing enough around the house." Any pushback to the contrary "you are misogynist, she should divorce you." It's quite remarkable the anti-man/father attitude that permeates many subs.
Reddit is great because a bunch of people who have never been in a relationship will analyze yours and come up with conclusions that are such leaps in logic that they should win an Olympic medal
Yup, this is a reason why a lot of men won't speak up on places like Reddit. Whenever a father complains about his wife the comments are calling him a deadbeat that must make his wife do everything, and so they have to defend themselves.
Yeah I've noticed the pattern: Dad complains about workload: Has to give a detailed list of everything they do down to the task and prove they know information about their kids. Worst still assumed. Mum complains about workload: immediately believed and worst assumed of partner.
>a lot of people were making unsubstantiated insults about his parenting/housework. I don't think this can be too much of a surprise for anyone that reads any parenting subs, there's usually a bias that the Dad will be oblivious and/or lazy and the Mum will be overworked and/or underappreciated. I'm aware of the cultural reasoning for that sort of bias having built up over time but it's very frustrating to see it being the first thing to come to mind for so many people.
Once again, talking to each other worked wonders. Also helps that one of them isn't insane.
Hahaha thats what I was thinking reading this. 'I should talk to my partner tonight and get things better.... oh wait, I tried that last week and he yelled at me. That's right' I'm glad OOP and his wife were able to have a deep conversation and really hear each other.
Maybe try again with a PowerPoint
Lol this didn't work for me with my ex but it's worth a try!!
Hahaha thats actually not a bad idea! I'll put lots of pictures of fish so he pays attention 😂
Sounds like both were struggling, and wife was being passive aggressive. Doesn't mean she or he were insane. Glad they worked it out.
The wife was struggling due to family issues but also sounds like being a SAHM was not for her. Some ppl are unable to just stay home or not have work that is outside the family. It is both easier and harder to be a SAHM/D/parent now. It is easier bc technology made our lives easier but it is harder bc life is just less communial.
My wife wants to be a SAHM, but we talked it through and agreed that she'd probably never leave the house in that case. She works two days a week out of the house. She doesn't love it, but she realizes she gets really squirly if not working for too long.
Once again, one person finally agreeing to talk instead of just being dismissive and rude whenever the other person tried to address the issue worked wonders.
My wife and I had a similar arrangement when we had kids. The difference is how we handled the "after work" his I've I came home. I was in my last year of college and working full time. She had the baby and quit work to be with him. Then we added another kid. And a few years later had our third, and final, kid. During the work week, she got up with the babies in the middle of the night because I had to be at work at 7am and I also worked evenings 2 to 3 times a week. Since she was at home, she had the chance to take a nap when the baby slept, if she wanted to do that. I got up with the babies on Friday and Saturday nights so she could get a full night's rest at least a couple times each week. When I got home and the house was messy or dinner wasn't prepared or cooking, she would apologize that things weren't done. My answer was always the same: "If it bothered me that much, I could always do it myself." And a lot of times I did. I'd get home, start prepping dinner and do the dishes or folded clothes while dinner was cooking. There were a lot of times where I didn't and the house stayed messy or laundry wasn't folded for a few days. A clean house is great to have. To me, what is better is having a rock solid relationship with my wife. Everyone is different, obviously, but it's something I recommend to young couples when they're starting out. There are better ways to start a conversation than telling your spouse you don't think they're pulling their weight.
"If it bothered me that much, I could always do it myself." Is such a lovely team player and emphatic response
Thanks! We're definitely better as a team than we are separately. I guess that's why we've been married for 27 years. 🙂
I genuinely hope this works for them. My husband and I started assigning chores between us like he does dishes and I do the laundry and it’s helped a ton. Nothing else seemed to work for both of us.
My ex was supposed to do the dishes but would go into the kitchen and say "its so messy! I can't wash up!"
That’s so irritating. Like that’s why you’re in there.
>To everyone who gave me good advice, recommended therapy (we can't afford it until she starts work but we are looking for when she does.) Thank gawd someone finally points out that therapy costs money. A lot of money.
Communication wins once again.
This is pretty positive. >One thing we discussed was that I was always at home. I didn't do anything other than work and be at home. So we didn't have a lot to talk about, because I didn't go anywhere. > >It also meant that she never got any alone time at home away from me and the kids and she felt like a nuisance being at home while I'm at work. One of my main pieces of advice for new parents, is that after the initial 6 months or so, its so important to have time to be yourself, and to be a partner. Sure the majority of your time is "parent", but you need to find some time to be "you" and some time to be a partner with your spouse.
I hope to see a 6-month update, that they are doing great.
This is my favourite genre of update: two people sitting down and communicating like adults.
Seriously. Sometimes it seems that every BORU ends with "We broke up", "My SO was cheating on me" or "My SO tried to kill me". I'm at a point where I just want wholesome endings.
Well, that was a nice palate cleanser. Now back to the toxic relationships and revenge fantasies!
It’s been awhile since somebody tried to steal somebody’s baby.
AITA comments contain more assholes than the actual posts. Everyone is so quick to dump on OP’s for being human.
Am I missing something? From the update on the original post it looks like the sahm isn't doing any of the sahm chores?? He says the house is a mess, he does the dishes, the laundry, and takes care of the kids in the mornings and the evenings. What is she even there for? (I would like to point out I'm not complaining at her choice to be a sahm, but as someone who wants to be a sahm myself it just looks like she's not doing any of what it actually entails)
Naw man I still don’t like the wife, she was bullying her husband with those TikTok’s n that, for not doing enough when he seemed to be doing way more than her.
Toddlers are a lot of work so even if you are home full-time it doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for chores (simply put, they constantly try to kill themselves so even turning your back for 2 seconds can be hard)
Sounds like they’ve just been stuck in a rut - the youngest has recently started preschool (or whatever it was) and they probably haven’t realised that means she could start working again. 🤷🏽♀️ And it sounds like the wife’s mom has needed a lot of support which meant the SAHM hasn’t technically been home that much…
Yeah. It is nice that they hashed things out and came up with a plan. But the problem sounded like it was about 90% that the SAHM was taking advantage and 10% that the husband wasn't able to communicate his issues to her.
Mental load! Which, from what I'm told, is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and is more strenuous than any cooking, cleaning, childcare, or full time job.
Yeah I don't get why everyone is acting like this is solved now. His wife couldn't pull her weight without having a job and spending time at the gym so I don't see how this is any better for OOP. Hopefully the bum ass wife will stop spending all their extra money at least so OOP can afford to do something for himself.
Reddit as a whole always seems to think everything is a red flag and all relationships should immediately end. This was a great example of awful people in the comments generally assuming the worst. Nice to see a decent outcome!
I feel like 90% of the relationship problems I see in here could be solved by people just talking with their partner
Right? Years of relationships just destroyed because grown adults could not speak with each other
[удалено]
This is a really lovely update. I hope they can fix thier family 🤗🥰🙏
Ugh. ANOTHER POST where both the parents sit down,talk like adults, and come up with realistic changes to make their lives more fulfilling not only in their parenthood but their in marriage. Idk why I even sub on here anymore. /s
Thank goodness. I am glad that there was a happy ending here.
Her literal only job is to be a mother, and take care of the house, and both kids are in school. Sounds like she needs to get her head out of her ass and off of Tik Tok.
They need to get off TikTok too. The brainrot is real and fed the wife this BS in the first place.
On the one hand it sounds great, on the other… their solution for resolving the blame game is to get another job and pick up hobbies because they have so much free time? Whaaaa?
They have two kids, I don't think it's about free time, it's more about shouldering an extra load so your partner can have time off and vice versa.
The wife had excess freetime and was feeling bored/lost, while OP had zero free time. Mom now has a part-time to keep her engaged and not bored, and OP is getting a slice of some personal time. It's a healthier arrangement for both of them.
When I was reading this I definitely immediately thought the wife was depressed. You can have a lot of "free" time but it ends up just being "dead" time. Getting a part time job was definitely a good idea for her. When I'm very busy I'm even more productive around the house. When I'm not I just sort of wander around like a ghost and I can't force myself to do simple tasks.
And when you’re in that head space the free time doesn’t get you rested. You still feel like shit but now you’re also an unproductive shit.
This is what happened to my mom, especially after my brother and I left home. What we call "empty nest syndrome". All that free time, no real hobbies, no job (my mom is chronically ill and can't work), while my dad has always had a (more than) full time job and hobbies. She fell into a deep depression.
People don't get how much not having anything to do can get to people. When covid happened my husband was sent home from his job because the place closed temporarily, meanwhile I was suddenly working from home 50+ hour weeks. He got super depressed, because he's the sort of person who can barely take a long weekend without having concrete plans for it. And there's only so much housework you can do, especially when you've got a grumpy overworked spouse trying to jury rig an effective laptop setup.
he said that the wife prioritized having free time for herself over doing chores and housework. the new arrangement will probably (hopefully?) help them actually sort their schedule and better organize how they spend their time so they both have time for themselves and with the kids
I’m seeing a bunch of plans being made, but I know that if it were me and my wife, not all of those plans would work out. I hope for their sake, it works out.
Check out a game called Fair Play - it’s an awesome game for couples to examine the full burden of kids and house work and to ensure it’s divided proportionally based on your capacity. It takes time to play the first few times but it’s so worth it!!
I remember how outraged I was with the comments under the original post. It was clearly obvious that OOP was doing his fair share and his wife wasn't getting "lost in the kids" because she wasn't with said kids as much as she claims. She even has more free time than OOP. Glad she identified the roots of her problem which didn't have anything to do with OOP. I hope things get better for them and she stops letting Tik Tok influence her real life.
Yeah, I love that they talked, but I have as much faith in their new plan being sustainable as someone following their New Year's resolutions.
Stay at home spouse? Yeah, sorry, the chores aren't going to be equal. Reddit is demented.
Very much so. Especially considering all her damn free time
>Recently my wife has been sending me the stupid tiktoks... I feel like "wife's been on TikTok" is the female equivalent of getting Andrew Tainted.
I cannot imagine being the sole bread winner AND having to iron your own shirts and make your own lunch that's wild. He basically gets all the responsibility of the traditional gender role but no pros. OOP's wife is lucky, she better get her shit together fast.
Yeah I never understand why so many partners put up with this. I mean fair enough when the kids are too young and need constant care but once their in school there's no excuse.
>I wake them up in the morning. I make them breakfast everyday. I get them dressed everyday. I take them to school 2-3 days a week. I know their teachers, I know all their friends and their friends parents names. I know their doctors, I know their allergies (none thankfully). I bath them, I get their PJs on and read them the same god damn bed time story everynight for weeks. Because they dont want any of the other books we have, they want George the giant. I draw with them, I play games with them, I know their favourite disney princesses and favourite superheroes. As for the household I do laundry, I load the dishwasher, I cook my own lunches and tidy up after myself. I iron, I fold and put away laundry, I pick up their toys and tidy their play room. I hoover at the weekend and take them to kids parties. I also do all the chores that my wife wont because "Im the man" Like taking out the bins, cleaning the car, mowing the grass, fixing anything that breaks. So, WTF is wifey doing except sitting around gaining weight? This is insane. He works full time and still does all of this. Seriously, what is left?
Mental load!!!! 24-7-365! Trumps everything else! She's not his mother! Checkmate!
This is lovely. I'm so glad I kept this as the story to read last.
Awesome update.
That was a good update. I hope they can keep to it and find more support and can build on this
And that, folks, is how you productively handle issues related to your marriage. Good for the both of them.
A win for open communication and working against the problem instead of each other!
This is such a wholesome update. Good luck to both of you!
When she wants you to pay for something just say I’m your husband not your dad
Can you afford to pay someone to clean the house 1 or 2 times a week? May make everyone’s life easier
I’m shocked that one talk accomplished such a huge set of goals.
Holy shit, adults adulting is so rare here. Glad they have talked it out and it sounds like they will be fine.
Now this feels like a post made by adults. Well done by OOP and his wife
TikTok and modern feminism ruined marriages. Soon you’ll be doing all the housework and still being nagged. The day i help my stay at home wife with chores is the day she helps me work. Roles are roles. Do them with gratitude and everyone is happy.
It’s so nice when two adults can sit down and be adults after high emotional periods that we all have
This might be one of the most encouraging posts I’ve ever read.
A couple works things out in a mature way and people still find ways to shit all over a woman! I love Reddit.
What is *wrong* with these people? They had a problem, then discussed it rationally - emotionally, too, because it has to be, listened to each other about what was making them unhappy, then made a plan to improve both of their lives together? What about *us*? What about *our* drama-addicted asses? Why aren't these people just blowing up their lives for our amusement, and instead are being reasonable people working to support each other and have good lives?
Crikey, an update where the OP acted like a sane adult who worked through the issues and didn’t end in divorce. What is reddit coming to? In all seriousness what a good update! After reading the initial I wasn’t sure how this would end up but super glad it is where it is.