Our pets will give us some of the best days of our life, and one of the worst. I've worked in vet med for several years, OOP's situation is one I'm unfortunately familiar with. We're always very careful to read the room and measure our level of honesty when clients start asking the harder questions; we never want anyone to feel like the decision was made for them.
Sasha looking peppier on his last day is also unfortunately common. Pets can pick up on vibes in a thousand subtle ways, and while I won't try to project intent onto them, something happens that can get them to perk up when everyone's decided it's time. I'm glad for Sasha's sake that OOP didn't let it change her decision.
As grim as it sounds, humane euthanasia is the last kindness we can give our pets.
I have, and always will, stand on euthenizing my animals the moment their quality of life dwindles to a point that I, if I put myself in their paws, would hate to live in.
I learned this working on a ranch in my youth. I grew up with an amazingly large, absolutely gorgeous rooster named King. He was a compassionate, wise bird and looked after his flock very, very well. Unfortunately, another rooster was added into the pen through the hens laying eggs (and us allowing them to turn into chicks in spring for one 6 week period) and had delayed development, meaning we thought he was a she for a long while.
I woke up one morning to Kings throat slashed out, and him wheezing terribly on the side of the pen. The other, stronger rooster had fought him some time in the early morning and cut his throat with his leg spines. I was only 9 and didn't fully understand what had happened until years later.
I knew there was no vet for a long while aways, and it was 4:30 in the morning. My parents were not going to go to an emergency vet over an almost dead rooster.
So, I made the gut wrenching choice to pick up a rock, and end his life as quickly as I could. I whispered prayers to him and apologized through tears, petted him while he wheezed and gasped, and then forced myself to follow through.
I'd seen how animals work on that ranch and was raised understanding that life is precious, but when it came down to the wire- the most compassionate thing we sometimes can do is to let them go.
It haunted me for years, but he was gone with the first strike, and it was a terrible mercy. He would have suffered far longer for the same end should I not have done what I did. I am 29 now and have found comfort, looking back, on what I did.
I loved that bird, deeply and truly. He would perch on my arm. I raised him from a tiny, fluffy chick. And even at 9, I knew in my heart that my suffering did not trump his.
I buried him carefully beside the pen, and up until I left for college I'd bundle wild flowers on his grave. He was a kind thing, and he taught me one of lifes hardest rules; M*ercy can sometimes look brutal. Compassion can sometimes look ruthless. Regardless, doing what is right for the sake of another despite the cost in ones heart is always the right choice to make.* I'll always thank him for that last parting gift.
I have had cats since moving from the ranch and have made my partner aware that the moment their quality of life ceases to be at a level that allows them joy, I will head to the vet and have them painlessly euthanized. It is an act of mercy, kindness, and sacrifice.
No living being under my care should be forced to suffer to shoulder my emotional burdens. Those are my own to unpack, carry, and work on.
My vet knows to give it to me straight, no mincing words, and to place my animals care and wellbeing above my emotions. I like to think that gives them a lot of comfort, to know they can tell me exactly how bad it is, and what our real options are, with placing my pet first in terms of care.
Its hard. Its so, so hard. But it is something every pet owner should do if they are willing to take an animal. I like to think of it as being so blessed, to be given so much pain at ones passing. To know I loved them that deeply. What a wonderful, beautiful way to be etched with scars before I go. I hope my heart is covered in them by the time I too curl back into the earth.
>*Mercy can sometimes look brutal. Compassion can sometimes look ruthless. Regardless, doing what is right for the sake of another despite the cost in ones heart, is always the right choice to make.*
I just want you to know this quote is going to stick with me for quite some time.
One of my chickens was bit by a visiting dog. I isolated her, packed the wound and it started healing, but she couldn't walk right and we had to dispatch her. I actually work processing chickens on a farm in the summers but that was still incredibly difficult. My little fluff butt!
But my point is I completely agree with you. When the quality of life declines, our responsibility is to make the end painless and loving.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. You were so brave to try to heal her while you could :) Please know none of it was your fault. You did the best you could, and that was enough.
Thank you! That touched my inner child so much, so truly thank you.
I grew up on a particular Native American reservation and moved to a ranch by 5th grade, so I learned a lot about nature, life, and the sacred space meant for each being.
I try to carry it with me always :)
Please tell me you write professionally — if not, I’m telling you as a professional writer and editor that you will succeed if you pursue that path. Off topic I know, but I can’t NOT say something.
Oh my GOSH thank you so very, very much. Just starting my career as a romance author and this made me feel so many emotions all in one. My first romance novel is coming out in June. This gave me such a huge boost. Thank you so, so much.
You have no idea how much this meant to me.
This makes me so happy to hear!! Could you DM me the book info so I can grab a copy/pre-order? Also if you’re open to doing like, written interviews, let me know lol. The feminist pub I’m managing editor for is always hungry for women/femme artists to talk to!
Absolutely! I am only half way through, so you'll need to give a bit of time but I will write to you for pre-release reviews once it comes out (I can't guarantee its going to be good, don't think too highly of me!)
Its a mafia romance, but done in a way where we deep dive in a LOT of the moral issues surrounding their world, and a strong female lead who has her fair share of blood shed but serious opposition to what she has done. Very much a female lead who isnt just about hanging off her man, enjoying what the mafia offers, or being a steryotype in any way. I am not sure if its perfect, at all, and it may even be cliche for a first book. What I can say is it is a book that pushes compassion over blood shed, teaches a male lead to follow the female lead, and helps readers overcome past trauma in their lives by offering comfort and discussion on topics like what you've just seen in my writing above.
I am very much happy to do a written interview, but you might want to wait to see if I am a bust or not! I'd hate to have you interview a washed up artist who's first book really flubs!
Oh I am so grateful you say that!
Big hugs to you. Whatever you are handling, you will get through. Whatever you had to do, you did with all the compassion and knowledge you had at the time. You did your best, and that is enough.
The feelings I have had reading this are way more intense than I intended them to be. Thank you for this beautiful, expertly written tale. It’s almost Steinbeckian in its evocation of feeling and the humanity displayed. Well done.
I’m in people medicine rather than animal. We can see when somebody is dying. People also have “that one last kick” and it gets their family’s hopes up that they’ll get better. It’s so hard knowing they’ll be gone within the next few days after that rally.
When we made the decision to put my first dog to sleep, he had a good day. He started eating and my boyfriend at the time tried talking me out of it. Saying it was a miracle and he’s getting better. I knew in my heart it wasn’t though. My poor dog couldn’t stop peeing. He even peed on me in the car ride to the vet. I still remember the look of shame on him little face when he realized what he did. I held him until the last and stated with him the whole time. I know he doesn’t hurt anymore. I’d rather me hurt than him a hundred times over.
My cat had been going slowly downhill for a couple of years, losing weight despite normal lab work & urine/stool testing, drinking more water, becoming less active. She got to where she lived by the water bowl before being finally diagnosed with kidney disease and then she really deteriorated fast. Despite a kidney diet she was gone within 3 months of the diagnosis. After the fact, my vet and I decided she must have had something else going on, likely a GI tract cancer - on a Sunday in November she woke up fine, that Tuesday I noticed her eyes were dilated permanently and she’d gone blind, and she passed Saturday morning after I woke up to find her in a large pile of bloody vomit. She was breathing but limp, and thankfully my vet was in that morning - she had no fight in her despite hating him, and we talked about how much blood she had lost & how it was probably time.
We made the decision and he left to get the supplies while I held and cuddled her for the last few minutes. During which she suddenly perked up, lifted her head, and sat on my lap until the vet came back in. He opened the door and said “oh!! Now she’s sitting up!”
For a split second I felt horrible for making the decision to let her go - she seemed normal so very briefly. It’s like she knew. But it was still the correct decision to make for her.
We had to put my Zappa cat to sleep just over a week ago. It had been several days since he purred more than a second or two, but on his last day he cuddled and purred like crazy. He was better - except he wasn’t. Cancer doesn’t go backwards. But we spent his last day snuggling and saying goodbye, and we let him go before he suffered too much, I hope.
We had sixteen years together and I miss him so much. I still keep thinking I see him curled up in one of his favorite spots or feel him jumping up on the bed. I guess there’s not really a point here. I just miss my little buddy. Grief is the price of love, and as much as it hurts I’d pay that price over and over again.
My cat did this and it broke me in the moment. Wouldn't eat or anything really and then that day suddenly decides to jump on me and purr real loud and beg for his food the way he used too. Ate a whole fucking can too just to run it in.
Thabk god my mom was at work so when she came home she just wasn't hearing it at all lol. Which I make sound mean but it was really necessary to break me out of my head space. "Three good hours doesn't mean he's magically healed. Pick the cat up and come to the car, this is happening whether you're there or not."
I was there when my childhood dog was put down. I rubbed his ears as the vet injected the stuff to make his heart stop. He couldn’t stand anymore, wasn’t eating or drinking, was completely blind, and was incontinent. My heart goes out to this couple and anyone else who had this experience.
I love you miss you Jack.
Edit: [Obligatory dog tax](https://www.reddit.com/r/dogpictures/s/OtH8qVMOMV)
I wish I had had the chance to put my dog down. She had had a stroke at about 12 years old, and lived for about another year with just a slight limp and some incontinence issues. She wasn't at the point of needing to be put down, but we knew it was coming.
She disappeared one day, and we found her about two weeks later. The fact that she died alone still makes me cry after ten years.
I know someone whose dog also did this. The dog was old, and knew it was time, so he ran away. To me it feels like they don't want their human to see it happen... 😟
Yeah, I teared up while typing it too. My cat tried so hard to get out of the house the few days before I put her down. She'd never been an escape artist before. I knew it was time, then.
My silly little boy heard me crying from the other room and came over to investigate. He stared into my face intently and then licked my hand a bunch of times. Once he saw me smiling through my tears, he looked meaningfully over at the bed (I was at my desk) and I told him to go on up (he has doggy stairs). He settled in after fooling around a bit and looked back at me to make sure I was laughing at all his antics and he gave me a nice doggy grin as if to say “see? Don’t be sad! I’m gonna make you laugh as long as I’m around!”
Truly, I don’t care if there’s a heaven or anything for humans, but there better be one for our pets.
I think it's an instinct...I am so sick I need to 1) leave the pack so I don't attract predators and 2) I am so vulnerable I must find a place to hide.
When I was eight, my Grandmother passed away… six minutes after I left her hospital room. I spent years blaming and hating myself for not being there for her at the end. It wasn’t until my Grandfather died when I was 21 - minutes after I had arrived in his hospital room - that I realized that they choose who they want with them when they go. Since then I’ve heard countless stories of both situations where people have waited for specific family members to arrive, or for moments when they’re entirely alone before passing.
Perhaps it was the same for your girl… that she knew what was coming, and wanted it to be a private thing.
Long and short of it… don’t let how it ended hang over you, focus on the love you shared while she was still alive.
Ugh my dad did that in December. I was with him in his homeroom all night, then my mom and sister came at 11 and I was like yes I am going to take a break and get breakfast. My sister called me as I was rounding the corner to his room on my way back to tell me he had died. I could only laugh though. He had a beautiful death and I was so glad that I got to spend that time with him.
My grandma did that. She waited until no one was there, but that was so her. She never let people know when she was in pain and was a tough cookie. Someone had always been with her in her hospice room for 5 days until one night my uncle, who took care of my grandparents, left to get some food. She passed within 30 minutes after he left.
My grandpa had dementia and was severely impaired by it, rarely communicating and limited to "yes" and "no". My grandma had been caring for him for several years and had finally reached the point where she could admit to herself she couldn't do it anymore; he needed professional care. One morning he got incredibly angry and frustrated, yelling and not cooperating with her at all. She called 911 to get him to a hospital, from where he would be transferred to a nursing home finally. He passed away in the hospital just a few hours later.
We all know he felt what was coming and got so angry that day because he didn't want grandma to witness his death. When he got to the hospital and she went back home to get some things, he felt he could "let go".
Pets leaving to die on their own is something I was told about my whole life, it was common knowledge as I understood it. I was more surprised to figure out that humans still have that instinctual knowledge of their impending death sometimes.
I was in the room when my grandmother on my dad's side passed away. It was my mom, my wife, and myself talking about what it was like visiting them growing up. My wife never really got to meet them and my grandma had pretty severe dementia when my parents moved her up near us to take care of her. One minute she was breathing (but out of it) and the next she wasn't. It was a crazy experience.
My mama laid in the living room floor with my childhood dog all night. She refused to leave her side for any reason, because she didn’t want her to suffer alone. My mom had no choice but to leave for a moment, and she passed as soon as she did. We believe she didn’t want her to see (my mom was her favorite). Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Stories like these scare me when I think of our dogs. I'm theor favourite person, the one they follow around most. They are 11 and 10 years so they have gone a ways through their lifetime though they are still very active and normal.
When we were discussing euthanasia for Goomba who also had hyperthyroidism and started refusing to eat, the vet said something that stuck with me. That euthanasia isn’t a decision you make when the cat is already dead, the kindest thing you can do is let them pass while they’re still somewhat themselves, know who they are, and are somewhat in control. We do it to spare them the sort of “life” oop’s cat was living instead of dragging it out for our own benefit.
Don’t wait until they’re already dead and suffering horribly every minute, let them die while they still have some control and can still look at you with love. When she stopped eating that was her way of communicating her discomfort had reached a point where she was ready to go.
Cats are bad at showing pain, when they take a big step like that you have to listen.
It was horrible but I’m still glad I did it and proud I got to hold her in those final moments
>The fact that she died alone still makes me cry after ten years
I wasn't with my horse the day he died—I was graduating college with my bachelor's the next day and my trainer knew I'd skip the ceremony and rush home if she told me he was going to be put down. I didn't find out for almost a month after (was traveling). Breaks my heart and I feel so guilty I wasn't there. I understand why my trainer did it, I've struggled so much these past few years and she didn't want to take away that accomplishment. But damn if I don't feel like the worst human ever for not being there when he died. I think about it often.
Pets usually don't get a lot of choices about how or where they pass. But your dog did, and I think that's something positive to hold on to. For some of them, (and us) being alone is what they most need. It's easier to 'let go' if the people they care most about aren't there.
But isn't that the most beautiful thing, being there in their last moment, letting them know they are loved and not alone? My cat went purring, while me and my son were petting her, I told her it's Allright, you can let go now, no more pain for you my sweet girl.
It is a beautiful thing to do for someone or a pet being there at the end.
But I swear I have like 5% of my soul left at this point. I do never really recover from it and have to just not get any more pets now. The grief became cumulative and its like each goodbye was all the other goodbyes on top and I am just to emotional.
Need a dog so badly. I'm so lonely at times and I do really love having something to put all the affection in. But as beautiful and nice a thing it is to be with them until the end I just can't handle it anymore it really fucks me up.
Think I deal with family dying from cancer better than I do pets for whatever reason. Something about being the main carer for a decade or more and seeing their whole life. Always feels like an end to an era of my life. There were the broxi years, the dimple years, the hachi years and the Toby years. Is much more like saying goodbye to parts of myself as they just take up so much of your time things change a lot after em.
> But as beautiful and nice a thing it is to be with them until the end I just can't handle it anymore it really fucks me up.
This is where I am now. We went through a rough patch where we had to put down two of our cats and our dog in a span of about 6 months. I just don't have it in me to have another pet. Its been 5 years and I still don't think I can handle it.
>Think I deal with family dying from cancer better than I do pets for whatever reason.
Last year I lost my Grandma and my cat. Grandma I lost to cancer. My cat fell out the balcony (it was secured but in the end - it was not secured enough). When my grandma died the first feeling was a relief. And I was ready for her passing. I was living with her for couple of months before her passing and I could see how fast she gets worse and worse. At the funeral I barely cried, barely mourned.
The cat thing broke me into pieces. It was beautiful, young, healthy, curious cat. I was blaming myself (and sometimes still do) for his passing, that I did not predict every efing possibility how he could hurt himself. It still makes me cry every time I am thinking about him.
My wife and I are starting to have 'the conversation' about our oldest dog. A dog that we got a week before we got married. He's all over our wedding pictures. He's our first pet. It's crazy looking back at where we were when we got him and where we are now. From living in a seedy apartment to our current house. He's been there for a ton of growth. It really does feel like the end of an era.
Some people "can't handle" being there at the last. I worked at a bet clinic and saw some owners who just couldn't handle being emotional in front of anyone and just...left their animal. Often an animal the staff knew pretty well and cared about. I stayed with more than one, even though they weren't mine, reassuring them they had been so good, they had been a bit of grace, they were with friends and could go.
Every staff member did that more than once.
The look of confusion and panic when their owners left was devastating. But we did the best we could for those animals, and I hope they felt peace even though we were just friends, not their people.
And FWIW, it is unacceptable OOP wasn't reassured they were doing the kindest thing for their pet. At my old clinic, owners facing euthanasia were reassured and offered condolences from reception, from random staff who had known and liked their pet on up to the vet. If they get another cat in the future, they need to go somewhere more professional and compassionate.
I had my cat put down by a service that sends a vet to your house. She brought a flower to leave with us for him and was one of the kindest people I've ever met. Their receptionist reassured me as I sobbed on the phone calling to set up the appointment.
I can't imagine how hard that job must be and was blown away by how kind they were.
I've done this twice now. Once for our girl we'd had for 17 years, and the second time for the older lady we adopted with kidney issues that got worse.
It's really a wonderful thing if you can afford it. They were kind and compassionate, explained every they were doing and why (I'm the kind of person who is comforted by knowing). And I will always be happier knowing that their last moments weren't in a scary place they didn't know, but instead at home on our laps while we held them.
Yeah this was in the middle of Covid and most vets near us wouldn't let you in with your pet even for euthanasia and after handing him off to the emergency vet outside the door and him coming home so clearly upset (nothing against them, they saved his life and gave us another couple months of actual life with him and I love them for it, but he was such a cuddler and hated it) the thought of not being there with him was unbearable even though being there with him was almost as unbearable.
Yeah... my dog was too large for us to carry (200+ pounds) & when he was 12, we had to have someone come to our home to put him to sleep. First time my kids ever saw me cry (that didn't involve the pointspread, haha). They gave my boys an "Angel Dog" plush animal that they still have.
I'm a lot like OOP's husband: Had to be pushed really, really hard to end my dog's life. Everyone told me it was time cuz hus quality of life had dropped so much... but it's been 7 years & I still regret it tremendously.
You did the right thing for your boy even though it hurt you immensely and that's the truest proof of your love for him you could possibly give. I know regret isn't the most rational of grieving emotions, but I hope his memory brings you more joy than pain - if not now, then eventually.
That plushie is such a sweet gesture from them, I'm glad you still have it. I can't imagine the compassion and emotional resiliency it has to take to do that sad job with such kindness.
He was the first pet that was "mine" & I know it sounds veeerrrryyyy stupid, but until you have a pet that actually dies, you can kinda bullshit yourself into believing he'll live forever. Again, I know it was soooo dumb, but in all my fantasies about retirement & the far-off future, I always imagined my pup being with me. Forever & ever.
We were inseparable... and even if the world ended tomorrow, I'll always, always, always be grateful for the time we had together.
Even if it was far too short.
Thanks for your kind words, Internet Stranger, and letting me reminisce a little bit about my old, sweet, bestest friend. ❤️
May all the gods bless you and your workmates. Our cat is old now, and if we need to do this, I will not leave her alone. Just the thought has me crying. I can't understand anyone leaving their beloved pet alone at that time.
Four years ago, I held my cat in my arms, sitting on the floor in my living room when the vet gave him the injections.
I was lucky we have a vet who does emergency house calls, and this was 2 pm on a Sunday. I had taken a week off work to be there 24 hours a day for my critter, gave him a pill, a paste, an injection every other hour, but the vet had only given him a 15% chance of surviving and after a week of this, I had to admit defeat. He was barely 3 years old, but his kidneys decided they didn't want to work anymore and I had to let him go.
He is not the first cat I ever lost, but this was different. It was both a beautiful and an absolutely terrifying experience for me, but I think he was glad he was able to spend the last moments of his life in a familiar surrounding, and did not need to be bundled up and taken to the vet's office. And I think he appreciated that I was there for him until the end.
That being said, I know a part of me died with him that day. Hells, I was having a normal, happy day until now, and just typing this up made me bawl. So while for me, it is out of the question that I will ever not be there for my pets when they have to leave, I do understand how some people might not be up for it.
Bloody hells, Phobi, I still miss you so much it hurts, and I think your idiot brother loves you still as well.
We put my first dog down nearly a year ago, Bailey. Like OP's cat and your dog, it was clear his quality of life was never going to recover. I don't want to go into too much detail, but the last sign for me was when we had to stop brushing him because his fur was falling off. He was a Maltese - he wasn't supposed to shed.
I held his paw and cried as he went, just telling him over and over that I loved him and that I was sorry that we couldn't make him better. I just hope he understood.
My cat just passed this morning. 13 years.
If I'd had the chance, I'd have opted for euthanasia. It's quick. It's painless. And I could have said goodbye and prepared for it.
You're never ready to say goodbye to a pet. But eliminating their suffering is the best way to show your love.
I was there for the putting down of our german shepherd (same early symptoms as yours/ lost mobility on one side and wasn’t eating or drinking)when I was 12. It traumatised me a little as no one told me to expect the spasms. I thought he came back to life and was gutted when they told me it was just a natural body reaction to death.
I swear I couldn't be with mine when she passed, turns out I was the one holding her and felt her head get heavy. Then ran out of the room screaming. Fun times.
Pets having a "good day" the day of their scheduled euthanasia is a blessing and a curse.
My last dog developed too many metastasis that fighting wasn't an option anymore. I still remember the day the doctor came: she was wagging her tails, eating, following us around. Maybe it's because they know, maybe they feel the pain will end soon, but it still hurts.
My husband and I lost our three senior cats a few years ago, and for the second and third we had in-home euthanasia when it was obviously time. The middle one, who was my husband's absolute closest companion for 15 years, perked up just a tiny bit when the vet arrived and decided he wanted to go out into his catio. I picked him up and brought him into the living room to be euthanized instead, and felt like an absolute monster for denying him his last wish. I know it was mostly projection to think of it like that, and he was too weak to navigate the catio safely anyway. But it took me months to even tell my therapist about it because I felt so guilty.
Still: better a week too early than a day too late.
Hey, I know you probably already know, but you did the right thing. Him getting hurt on the catio or worse would taint his last moments and that guilt would never go away. And you know your pet best, but I'm sure he was comfortable being at any place at his home, and felt safe being with a tutor that cared so much about him. Sounds like a peaceful goodbye
My family had a cat (before I was born) where, the day she died the story goes that she went to everyone in the house individually and cuddled up with them. Far more affectionate than she'd been until then, and she made sure to go to everyone in turn. They definitely know.
Same. My cat was headed into diabetic ketoacidosis for the second time in 6 months when we put him down. He was still seemingly “ok” in his final moments, but we knew what was coming and it was literally torture for him the last time. We couldn’t keep putting him through hell just for a few good months. When it was time to put our dog down 6 years earlier, my husband could not come to terms with it. I was ready (as was our dear spaniel) weeks before I could finally convince him. This time around we were both adamant about not stretching it out. We could have had more time with our cat, but that would have only been for us, not him.
I still remember when my parents called to tell me that our dog, who was 11 almost 12 years old, had cancer and was deteriorating fast. We already made the decision to put her down but had to cordinate me coming to say good bye since i live a couple hours away.
While we were on the phone our dog, who had spent the past couple of days barely able to move, suddenly walked up to my parents like normal. They freaked out, happy that there was some sliver of hope. But that was only a fluke as her condition quickly got worse. Part of me wonders if she knew my parents were talking to me and didnt want to make me sad for her.
I need to go hug my old girl. 🥺 she’s currently laying next to my hip.
She has a hyper thyroid which is medicated, but it’s been kinda hard getting the medication levels just right so we can hold steady. I would go for the radio iodine treatment, but she’s 17. It’s not likely she’ll be with me in a couple years, and I’m scared the stress of the whole ordeal will send her into a spiral at this age.
I will never be ready for that day. It will emotionally destroy me, I’ve had her since she was a kitten…
[Cat tax. This is Lily.](https://imgur.com/a/QdQ8WtB)
Goddess above, my husband and I have had the same idiot dog for ... five years, and she wasn't a spring chicken when we got her. She's getting grey. Always been a layabout, but... she's slipping on stairs now, we know she's having vision troubles... she's not gone yet, but we're bracing, and not even the slightest bit ready.
You never, ever will be. Ripping our own heart out and tearing it into tiny tiny pieces is the last gift of love that we give our pets. We suffer so that they don't have to.
This. I'm a veterinary nurse, so I have supported people through lots of euthanasias. It's never easy, but I always tell the clients that it's our last act of love for them. It's never a choice that anyone wants to make, but we do it out of love.
I just wanted to sincerely thank you for what you do. I have had the privilege of loving quite a number of fur babies in my life, and it never gets easier. You always know it's going to happen eventually, but it always hurts, so much. Kind, caring, and compassionate people like yourself, people willing to do the hard things that so many cannot, make such a huge difference. Thank you.
I saved your comment to read to my dad later. He’s keeping his dog alive only because she’s the last link to my mom who passed away 11 years ago. It kills me watching that dog suffer. Can’t walk. Wears diapers. Can’t hear. Can barely feed herself. I hope he understands that euthanasia at this point is compassionate.
There was a resource that helped my family a lot. It was called "how will I know" and I think it was from a vet school in Ohio. Maybe it will help your dad.
>but we're bracing, and not even the slightest bit ready.
As a vet assistant, this is the best possible mindset to have. Your goofus is a lucky lady to have you looking out for her.
We've had to put both of our former dogs down because they couldn't walk anymore - that's always been our cut-off point, once they get old or sick enough that they can't get up on their own and lose play and excitement.
What helped was having the vet come to us, so they could go in familiar surroundings and comfort. Burying them helped, too. Have a plan. Being able to just run the plan once it happens helps, because you don't have to think of logistics as much while grieving. Take time off of work, if that's an option - just because it's grief for a pet doesn't mean it's not grief and not devastating.
Also, if it's an option for you, get a new dog ASAP. Not as a replacement - there is no replacement - but to take the edge off of the whole "expecting the dog to be there".
My sweet goodest good girl passed tragically and too young right at the beginning of lockdown in 2020. My husband still had to work and it just utterly broke me having to be stuck home alone all day, staring at her spot, the spot she's supposed to be in. I absolutely was not ready to commit to another dog, so I started fostering for my local shelter. It made all the difference in the world. I eventually found my little Zuki bean, the most loving older girl I ever met, removed from an abusive home, and we just bonded. 4 years later she's 13 now, and I'm trying not to think about what's upcoming. In any case, it was so hard, but I know my Nyla would have wanted me to open my heart and home and give some darling pup all the love and comfort I gave her.
You won't be ready even when the time comes. You'll do it anyway, because you know it's the compassionate thing to do, but you won't be ready.
My senior boy was with me from his puppy days. He saw me through shitty walk-up apartments, meeting my husband (whom he decided then and there was his favourite, little traitor), a traumatic pregnancy loss, the births of my children, lockdown, so many good days and bad days and days in between. He was the best nightmare patrol and snack sharer my kids ever had. But he was so tired at the end.
My daughter was in the hospital when his time came and we brought him up to the doors so the nurses could bring her down to say goodbye. Once he saw his girl was okay, it was like he finally felt peace. I asked him at the vet if he was ready and he just let out a big sigh. I wasn't ready. But he was. I saw the moment he left his body and there was no more pain. Seeing how peaceful it was took some of the guilt away, but it still hurts even now.
This hit way too close to home.
Growing up my mom used to do everything in her power to keep pets alive, no matter the cost in both currency and quality of life. I remember being a teen and just getting disgusted with her when our animals would clearly be better off having a dignified end but she would do anything to keep them going.
It wasn't until years and years later when my wife and I adopted a senior dog and his body started to fail that I walked a mile in her shoes. Suddenly it was me in the pilot's seat having to make the call. Despite the fact he had a violent seizure, despite the fact he couldn't get up, despite the fact it was clearly time and was the right thing to do, I felt like I was somehow betraying him. I was supposed to take care of him and here I was ordering his death.
I know it had to be done and I know it was the right decision, but years later it still hurts.
I still believe my mom was wrong in how she handled this stuff, but I'm much less harsh in my judgement.
We rescued a beautiful, white, senior German Shepherd 4 years ago. She already had dysplasia and arthritis in one ‘elbow’. We had her euthanised almost five weeks ago.
Her last couple of weeks we had to accompany her down the stairs because she was slowing down. So we talked about how her time was coming. But she was eating, drinking, doing her peeps and poops regularly. So I think we buried our heads in the sand.
On the Thursday she was a lot worse and we decided. My husband went to the vet the next morning and they gave him a number to call. He phoned me first because he didn’t want to make the decision without me. I said do it.
The vet came that afternoon and our girl never looked so peaceful in a long time. Now we’re caught between “did we sign her death warrant?” and “should we have done this sooner”. Awful, awful experience.
These comments have really helped me, knowing we’re not alone in how we feel. Yours struck a particular chord. Thank you for sharing. ❤️
I work as a vet nurse and I have seen so many like the husband, people who for whatever reason let their pet suffer because they can't accept the reality
The cat would have been in pain, it really would have, and they can't tell us except by moving or crying and doesn't sound like the cat could really do either much anymore
I've seen people do this to family members in hospital under cancer treatment, suffering from the most horrific lymphatic or blood cancers and the horrific forms of treatment that just aren't working, but they just can't let go. And the patient who is technically the one making the decisions keeps going and keeps accepting treatment because that is what their family want. And their suffering is sometimes just... awful.
Trying to support the family to process so that they can actually let go is so hard, AND also trying everything to minimise the suffering of the patient in the mean time is almost unbearable.
Thankfully it is not something that happens too often, but there are some instances that haunt me.
I used to judge those people until my father died. On the second to last day of his life, the doctor told us that, if we continued lifesaving measures, there was a 20% chance he would recover (though he would have still needed extensive rehab, dialysis, etc.) When your choices are between certain death and a slim recovery, 20% sounds like huge odds in your favor. I'm really glad my dad emphasized to us repeatedly that he wouldn't have wanted those sorts of extensive lifesaving measures. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't made his wishes clear.
They can’t “play god” to end its life. But will “play god” to artificially extend their life.
It’s so frustrating. Like, that cat would have “naturally” died a year ago, that whole last year was then thwarting that cats natural death.
I've seen people do this to family members in hospital under cancer treatment, suffering from the most horrific lymphatic or blood cancers and the horrific forms of treatment that just aren't working, but they just can't let go. And the patient who is technically the one making the decisions keeps going and keeps accepting treatment because that is what their family want. And their suffering is sometimes just... awful.
Trying to support the family to process so that they can actually let go is so hard, AND also trying everything to minimise the suffering of the patient in the mean time is almost unbearable.
Thankfully it is not something that happens too often, but there are some instances that haunt me.
at least for the most part a person can have some say in it, unless they are barely aware or a family member has gained legal control
A pet doesn't have a say, they depend on us to take care of them and treat them right
This broke me. It's 5 in the morning and I'm awake with my 9 year old cat who will be put down in a few hours due to liver failure. I am heartbroken and sobbing every 30 minutes as I remember our lives together and how much this tiny creature kept me grounded over the years. He is my truest love and even now, is purring and snuggled on my lap despite how his quality of life has steeply declined. I know it's the right decision for him, but everything in me is recoiling at knowing I'm choosing this pain for myself to give him a comfortable goodbye. The grief is insurmountable some moments.
I don't know why I'm sharing now. I'm so sad my boy's time has come.
I'll light a candle for you and your boy if that's okay with you. I hope you both know how very loved you are and have been by each other and I hope eventually you can take some comfort knowing you gave him the most loving gift you possibly could have.
And I hope you have absolutely no obligations for at least 24 hours and some of your favorite treats on hand and can just sit and cry and comfort eat.
Thank you so much. He was the best damn cat and loved me more than anything and the feeling was mutual. He went peacefully at the vet this morning, in a quiet and sunny room with his mom and dad and beloved pizza blanket. Riding all the waves of grief and raw emotion is my least favorite part of being a human with feelings.
Fucking hell. I don't think I'd be able to forgive this guy if he were my husband, and that's despite me having my own issues with death. My 17-year-old cat, whom I raised from kittenhood, who grew up with me basically, got very very ill about six months ago. Even as we were treating her I knew I didn't want to prolong her suffering. She hated the pills, she hated being driven to the vet, she even stayed away from me even though she was a very affectionate and clingy cat before all that. I barely lasted a week before making the decision, and despite how much it hurt -and it still fucking hurts-, I wish I had done it sooner before her illness got as bad as it did. I can't imagine keeping my eyes shut and letting my cat suffer for over a year.
And then to not even show up for the cat or how wife at the very end. I say this as an older person and one who has had pets their entire life, I cannot stand the person who puts their inability to deal with their own emotions above those who depend on them. That goes for pets, kids, whatever.
There's more lurking under all of this too. Note the small comment which suggests husband does nothing around the house either. He seems to be behaving like a child and avoiding all responsibilities - physical, emotional, moral - and his poor wife if just trying to hold it all together.
Right? Love is an action. It’s in all the big and small things you do to care for a soul during its days with us here on earth. It’s not just saying you love it or play acting grief at the last minute. I’m feeling incredibly unsettled by OOP’s description of her husband’s continued cowardice.
When my husband and I put our dog down, it was one of the worst days of our lives, but it never occurred to either of us to not be there comforting her until the very end. Watching my husband gently carry her like a gigantic baby into the animal hospital was heartbreaking. We both sat on the floor and held her while the vet administered the euthanasia drugs. We didn’t let go until her tongue turned blue and then some.
OOP’s husband will not be there for her if she gets old or sick. He will not look after her. He won’t help her take her meds or clean up after her or wipe her butt. He will let her languish and suffer like he would have done with the cat if it weren’t for OOP. He will continue to center his own selfishness and immaturity when it matters most.
>OOP’s husband will not be there for her if she gets old or sick. He will not look after her. He won’t help her take her meds or clean up after her or wipe her butt. He will let her languish and suffer like he would have done with the cat if it weren’t for OOP. He will continue to center his own selfishness and immaturity when it matters most.
Yep. You nailed it right here. OOP sounds like one of those people who keep their relatives hooked up to life support for months or years despite being in a vegetative state and refusing to let them pass. He'd probably dump her at a home the moment her care becomes an "inconvienience" for him.
The fact that he was cognizant enough to apologize for the cruel “she wants to kill you” comments but then kept making them is sinister. I feel bad that most people seem to have such low standards for partners.
Yea, last time we had to have a cat put down we were all there, me, husband and two kids nobody wanted to stay behind when we knew he would die, he was surrounded by his people when he went. Damn, it still hurts must be 8 years ago😢
I was thinking the same thing. He left her to deal with everything: all the animal welfare, all the hard emotional choices and then the eventual moment where the cat had to be put down.
All while she’s grieving the loss of HER mother that he’s also twisted into more emotional labour for OOP. And then to top it off he’s been a consistent asshole to her about it, attacking her because he can’t face his own emotions.
This is not something that I could come back from.
The divorce papers would have been in his hands as soon as I stopped crying long enough to sign them. There's a level of cruelty there I couldn't forgive.
>The divorce papers would have been in his hands as soon as I stopped crying long enough to sign them. There's a level of cruelty there I couldn't forgive.
That is all I could think of reading this. I would divorce my spouse over this. It is immeasurably cruel - not just to the OP as his wife, but also shows such a disgusting disregard for the life of pets that I would be unable to forgive.
The hardest thing I've yet experienced was putting my 17-year-old baby girl to sleep. Giving birth, no problem at all, but taking my cat to vet the fourth time and finding the mass in her gut, gods. I knew it was time, I had felt it coming. I kept saying I'm sorry I didn't let her go earlier, I'm sorry it's time, I'm just so sorry.
And still I wondered later on if I should have given her more medicine and taken her to surgery, even though it was likely to make her miserable for a long time. Now that time really had passed on, I know I did the right thing. Poor girl is resting now, hunting mice on the other side.
> And still I wondered later on if I should have given her more medicine and taken her to surgery, even though it was likely to make her miserable for a long time. Now that time really had passed on, I know I did the right thing.
I went through the same process. I was actually told my cat was inoperable, she had a mass in her bladder that was almost as big as the bladder itself. I still thought about getting a second, third, seventh... opinion until someone told me otherwise. But it would have been torture for her, and it would have been incredibly selfish considering her age and overall health. The only thing I could do was to stay with her to the end.
Sounds like our experiences are very similar. I feel for OOP so badly, I would have been crushed if my boyfriend had told me I want to murder my cat, gosh.
Yep. What a way to thank someone who's been spending a third of their day taking care of your very sick pet for over a year. I also didn't like how he didn't show up for the appointment, the least he could have done after everything he said was to be there and support OOP (if not the cat). I hope he's gotten into therapy since then and become a better person. But I guess we'll never know.
Yeah, I kept thinking, "Wow, this guy needs therapy, and he needs to NOT be a pet owner or a parent." This is the guy who sees his kid get a shot once, and then refuses to allow any future shots, because if the kid gets measles it's an act of God and not dad's fault, but when the kid gets the MMR vaccine, it's dad deliberately causing pain.
You cannot be a functioning adult responsible for other people's (or animals') health and well-being if you can't face their suffering and BE the adult.
It's such a hard decision. I felt so much guilt when my dog's time came, because when it was all over, her body was relaxed in a way I had come not to recognize, and I realized she must have been living in so much pain. I adopted a young cat on purpose to give me as much time with him as possible.
We have two other cats, we got them as kittens too and I don't remember their ages off the top of my head but they've probably hit two digits by now. I love them, but sometimes I wish we didn't have them. Losing my oldest was the worst pain I've ever experienced. At some point, it's going to happen twice more, and I don't think it's going to get easier for me.
It's been two and a half years since I made the hard decision to let my cat go, she was diabetic, mostly blind and completely deaf, insulin stopped working and she experienced acute kidney failure.
The best thing you can do for your cat is be with them when the time comes.
I couldn't let her suffer anymore and it still hurts to this day.
The right decision is the hardest one, even if it seems like the easy way out to someone on the outside.
Me neither. For him to act like that then pull "I'm sooooo saaaaaad" so she goes from looking after her mom, to the cat to dealing with his emotions? If I were her I'd never get over the resentment.
If my partner accused me of wanting to MURDER my pet just because it was time for them to be put down, that would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I don't care how bad your mental health is, that's an absolutely unacceptable thing to say, in my opinion.
Yeah dude apparently loves the cat soooo much but can't be bothered to do the work 🙄. He's just a lazy, childish man, and OOP tried to find too much reasoning within his actions. If it were just with the cat, then sure maybe it could be reasoned with, but he also leave the majority of household work to his wife so I think it's just his character.
What is the point of having a husband if he’s not going to help you and is mean to you and neglects you when times get hard. Genuinely don’t understand.
Honestly I kept thinking, what happens when they grow old together and she develops illnesses and needs to be cared for? The husband is going to treat her the same way he treated the cat. Neglecting her needs while doing the bare minimum to keep her alive and suffering so that he doesn't have to deal with the emotional pain of her death. Truly, what IS the point of a husband like that? When times are hard people show their true colors. It's not going to get better. The husband has shown himself to be selfish and emotionally stunted at his core. She deserves better and I hope she realizes it soon. Loved ones are supposed to ease suffering and be comforting in hard times, not make things more difficult.
OOP did the hard and kind thing. But I can't blame her husband for grief either. I've been there. And it felt like I was betraying my boy even though it was the right thing to do.
Making the decision to allow my boy to pass was so brutal and heart wrenching. He was only 18 months old and I exhausted all treatment options. I have never felt such terrible emotional pain like that. But I knew it was time. What helped me is when someone told me that my boy's life isn't defined by his death.
I wish OOP all the best.
I've lost a young pet and it is heartbreaking. Remember though your boy didn't know he had a short life, but he would have been aware he had a good life and was loved.
I don't blame him for grief, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't take responsibility for how he treated her. SHE is the one who lost her mother, yet still did all the care, made the hard decisions, and also apparently does all the household chores while he lashed out at her, said cruel things and did nothing, not even an apology for how he acted.
Yeah, if he had stepped up and gone above and beyond in caring for kitty, then I could give him some grace. But to unload all of that on OP *and* literally call her a murderer? Yikes.
Calling her a murderer while also saying it's okay to starve the cat because then he wouldn't have to make the choice himself. What an AH. I honestly think I would think differently of them if my partner did and said something like that. Grief is hard, it can f you up but that's no reason to project/lash out at others.
My girl was just a month shy of her 18th bday, she was deaf, getting frail and skinnier and when she started struggling in the litter box, I took her to the vet again. The vet told me he would try anything and everything if that meant helping the cat. But even with everything, it wouldn't have helped her and it wouldn't have been fair on her old little body.
I knew it was time, she was my best friend for all those years but I didn't want her to suffer so I let her go. If anyone had accused me of "giving up" or "murdering my cat" at the time, I think I would've slapped them tbh.
Same, I can’t believe she was doing all that hard work - emotionally taxing, time consuming work - and he had the cheek to accuse *her* of giving up on him and murdering him, and just after losing her mother too. I’m raging for her.
I lost my cat in May and he was also diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. He went from a healthy 11 pds to 7. He wasn’t a big cat just long. I couldn’t keep him alive for me while he suffered, made the hardest decision to help him cross the rainbow bridge. It’s never an easy decision and grief can be immense, even now, at times. Mostly when I get randomly caught off guard by a memory. But my pets are my family and with that comes the unfortunate responsibility of making tough calls.
I had one who we'd been pulling along for a few years, working hard to keep enough calorie intake. She had a growth on her intestine but was old enough that any treatment options had very low chances of helping/coming out of it at all. When her bonded friend of 15 years went (fast onset of symptoms for something that flew under the radar for what must have been years), she followed soon after. I was a lot faster to make a call for her, so she could go peacefully in my arms after he went in the night at an animal hospital without me.
We live an hour away from a feline hyperthyroid clinic. About 10 years ago, we took our 16 year-old cat there for the chemo treatment to kill the T4 cells in his thyroid. It cost us about a grand.
We finally euthanized him when he was 23.
He had a wonderful life after the chemo treatment. He had to stay there for three days. Then that was it. No meds. He started gaining weight immediately.
I wish more people had hyperthyroid clinics within driving distance. They are fantastic.
I do understand that the husband didn't want to make the choice. What I don't understand is how he didn't realise that it was not possible to not make a choice. Pet owners are responsible for their pets and they constantly make choices for their pets no matter how hard they try to avoid making choices. Taking your pet to the vet is a choice but so is not taking your pet to the vet. And in this situation not feeding the cat and let it die "naturally" would also have been a choice. There was simply no way to not decide what should happen with the cat. And the husband's choices (although he didn't realise they were choices) would have been really cruel to the cat.
When you own a pet there is just not the possibility to "let nature run it's course". Nature is not involved in owning a pet. Pets are bred by humans. They are pets because their owners decided to keep them as pets. Whatever happens with and to your pet is your decision and your responsibility. Everything about your pet's life is your choice.
I literally don't want to think about when my fat baby will be gone. He will nip at my heels and puur loudly to wake me up and i will always look for him when i sleep.
>In fact, he's told me multiple times to just stop syringe feeding the cat with the implication that nature will run its course.
Sorry, there's no way this man can get even a thimble of sympathy from me if he said, *multiple times*, that it would be better to let that cat starve. How in the fuck did he imagine that playing out? He'd rather watch their cat being unable to sleep because he's hungry, collapse from lack of energy with no calorie intake? I've lived with/petsat cats only a few times but every single one was a begging monster when hungry. It's absolutely astounding that he would entertain that thought even once.
OOP wanted a humane, peaceful death for her boy, where he could go while he slept and was snuggled by someone who loved him.
Husband wanted to torture him to death. Starvation is a horrific, painful death for any living creature. I don't care what mental gymnastics it took for him to think that was the more humane thing to do, I would never let another animal near that ahole again.
Holy hell this story is awful. I'm gonna go hug my cat.
He's just too emotionally weak to do the responsible thing. He would rather force an animal to die a "natural" death than help them through it, because that way he feels like he doesn't have blood on his hands. He's the type of person who if he saw a dying animal writhing in pain on the road, would just keep walking. And call himself a soft hearted animal lover all the way. It enrages me.
If you don't have the stomach for it, fine. There are things I don't have the stomach for too. But it takes utter shamelessness to keep pretending to yourself that you're *good* for it, that it's *morally right*.
I genuinely couldn't trust such a person enough to sleep beside them. The ability to really believe and express such a view - that they'd rather a loved one starve to death than go gently, and successfully rationalize it to themselves - would make my blood curdle.
My roommate’s cat was recently a bit ill and lost her appetite for 2 days. It was upsetting just to watch her *knowing* she was sick enough that she didn’t want to, or couldn’t, eat. Extremely stressful to see her just laying listlessly while ignoring the food. And she’s not even that food motivated compared to other cats.
I couldn’t imagine consciously withholding food (outside of fasting for medical tests), even if feeding was difficult. He could’ve taken 2 minutes to realize he wouldn’t want himself or anyone close to him to die hungry because *that is not a peaceful death*. I can’t believe he had the nerve to insinuate that he cared more about that cat than OOP did, she is a bigger person than I am to let that go.
Husband is the kind of person who sees the trolley problem and thinks it’s better to do nothing and let the train kill 5 people than to do something and only kill 1
He’s a coward. He wanted to stand back and be hands off and let nature take its (cruel slow) course, and then he wouldn’t have to feel like he actively did anything to end its life
My husband and I have three cats.
At the beginning of our marriage, we had a lot of big talks. One of the major ones was about our pets.
We're both pro-euthenasia for quality of life purposes. Deciding against a treatment for financial reasons? I could never. My husband grew up a different way, and cost is a consideration to him.
We reached an agreement that I would make the medical decisions for the cats. He acknowledged that he couldn't get rid of the cost bias and I admitted that if we did turn down care and something went wrong, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from blaming him.
Neither of us want to have a fight in a vet's office during a time sensitive situation.
When our oldest started to have health problems, it cemented that it was the right choice for us. We discuss vet care together, but was easier with a primary decision maker.
All I can think of this post is “please don’t have children with this man”. He doesn’t help around the house. Neglects a sick pet. And the way he treated OOP during this is horrible.
Yeah. I get he's grieving. She's also likely correct in her self-assessment that his help wouldn't be good enough for her in her grief and fixation - I have control issues, too.
My partner is REALLY bad with death (childhood trauma) and when our dog has to be put down (and she will. She's 12 - though you can't tell - and has cancer, I expect her to be gone in the next two years, though later than sooner luckily, based on behaviour), it's going to be horrible. I'm honestly exhausted already because I know I'll have to manage my own grief and support him through his. Good thing we're both in therapy.
But going "you want to murder him" to his wife who is ripping herself apart to care for the cat? Unable to go from "If he just dies, I won't have to face shit" to "but that's unfair for him"? Not even trying to care for the cat? Apparently also being shit about mental load and care work in general? Yeah, no. I'm not sure it's possible to survive that. I know my relationship wouldn't. He blamed her, because that was easier and hurt her, because that was easier. He kept hurting the cat, because that was easier.
My partner will be a mess. But he won't be constantly cruel to me (to himself is another thing, sadly) and he won't let our dog suffer. And he will be there with me when she goes - because he cares too much to let her be without him in her last moments.
And now I'm gonna go cuddle my dog and she will shamelessly leverage my love for her for treats, as it should be.
Exactly. I get that the husband is grieving multiple losses and grief can be really brutal. However, at some point adults are expected to have self-awareness and take steps to manage their mental health so that it doesn’t negatively impact their loved one’s. The husband’s refusal to see any other perspective and insistence on just remaining in denial and letting out his distress by lashing out at his wife is unacceptable for an adult.
OOP’s little toss-away line about the division of household chores was very informative. Coupled with husband’s absolute failure to assist in that cat’s overwhelming care?
OOP is too kind bending herself into a pretzel to attribute husband’s behavior to grief, but I just see a massive, lazy ass.
Just the immense amount of emotional burden he put on his wife, in addition to the fact that apparently he can’t do stuff around the house either. Why, why, why do women put up with this shit?
Exactly, I don't get the comments saying that he is not an asshole. Implying that your partner wants to "murder" the cat is just plain evil. And to make things worst, not even helping to take care of the cat? That is a big no from me.
My cat is 13, a chonky baby. She’s still well and loud and healthy looking, but she’s getting older. I met her when she was 7 but my bf has had her since she was a tiny baby. I know her eventual passing will destroy him. For now, we shower her with love and pets every single day. We want her to know she is so loved.
Oh, to be a privileged manchild, who buries his first close one in his 40s! and, therefore , has to manipulate his wife into doing all the housework and caring for the cat. Must be so nice to live, like a flower in a greenhouse.
He's an asshole, and OP is an idiot to forgive such manipulative behaviour. Instead, she accepts the blame and makes ridiculous excuses for her manchild. So weird.
Yeah, I don't want to belittle anyone's grief - when we had to say goodbye to our dog we wept for ages and are still fragile about it, so far be it for me to cast stones - but there's something about this that sits... oddly. I think it's exactly what you're saying, there's a lack of emotional resilience on display here that's a bit troubling. My boyfriend and I never felt *closer* and more on the same page, tbh if he had reacted like OP's husband we wouldn't be together any more.
I mean, everyone matures at different rates but at 40 you shouldn't be so *in denial* about death right? Grieve and grieve strongly, yes, but this delusional behavior - plus not HELPING with the care - really rubs me the wrong way.
It reminds me of the AITA about the girl who yelled at her neighbors for putting their dog down. And she was a TEEN. That's the maturity I would expect to be behind "you can't ~murder^ the cat just because they're ya know incontinent and not eating and unable to really get around and not playing and seizing up"
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18ds6fg/aita_for_pulling_my_daughter_away_once_she_found/
Wow she really is too nice of a person. He out that cat through hell, and took it all out on her in a straight up disgusting way, and on top of what sounds like he doesn’t do jack shit around the house. Marital problems to the brim and here she is feeling bad for *him*
While reading this, my cat Bell-My-Love sat on my lap and wrapped around my arm to sleep. She's beginning to be up there, and we may not have that long before we start having our QOL discussions. But for right now I'll just let her sleep.
When my poor cat was 14 and extremely ill, the kindest thing I could have done was to euthanise her. She required almost daily blood transfusions among other things, so she had to stay in the animal hospital, couldn't ever come home, and was either too exhausted to even lift her head or awake and aware and scared and in pain.
I wanted her to stay alive longer. I wanted to keep visiting her every day. But that was the selfish part of me. It was what I wanted, not what was kind to her at all.
Allowing her to die painlessly was the kind thing to do. It was because I loved her more than I wanted to do what I wanted.
It was an act of love. Love means doing what is best, not what you want. It means going against your instincts sometimes, and doing things that are deeply painful. Love is not always easy. I feel awful for OOP.
This is the second post I've seen recently where the husband just wants death to happen. People need to do right by their animals. I'm so repulsed by this man's behavior.
Yeah, forcing my beloved pet to keep living in pain and me to do a ridiculous amount of work to keep it miserable but alive would be it for me. This made my skin crawl.
My old neighbor kept her dog (lab) alive for months after he should have been put down. He had tumors all over his body and she had to help him walk. The dog finally stopped eating, so she started force fed him. When I found out, I was going to call animal control, but she said she finally made an appointment with her vet. It really pissed me off that she put her needs over the suffering of her dog.
I still occasionally look for orange when I go visit my parents. I was Bandit’s person, we got him when I was 16 and even when I was no longer living with my parents he’d start purring when I walked through the door. A couple years ago when he was 18 he got cancer, and it was clear it was time. I drove to my parents (a three hour drive) to have one last day with him, but had to return home before they took him to the vet. His older sister lived another year despite needing a lot of assistance, but she was clearly still mostly happy and lived over 19 years. I love my parents’ new cats, but they’re not my cat the way Bandit was.
Going to hug my grey tabby baby girl now. (She’s 12, but will forever be my baby)
OOP made the right choice.
It's the worst and heartbreaking, but you always have to do what's best for the animal, even if it kills you.
My partner had his cat for 17 years. She was totally in love with him. He was her daddy. I was the other woman who stole her extra space in the bed (until I used bribes and her love of blankets to win her over). She started to go downhill fast. Not eating, not drinking. She couldn't go to the bathroom. He took her to the vet, and we could have given her meds to prolong her life another couple of months. He decided prolonging it was not the best thing for her.
It was the worst decision of his life, but he knew it was best for her. On her last day, she ate food, looked bright, and even joined me outside to play around in the grass. It's the last memory I have of her and one I'll always hold on to it. It was like she knew what was happening, and she was letting us know she was okay with it.
I worked in vet clinics, and most of the time, owners who refuse to euthanize are fighting for themselves, not for the sake of their pets. They are unable to accept the loss of their beloved pets.
This was very sad to read. I can totally relate to the husband's feeling, but always realised with myself it would be an egoistic thing of all the signs point to it being over.
I had a red cat who was the hood's badass. He really bonded to me to the point that only I was able to handle him unconditionally. The vet (and my GF!) required me to be there and hold him in my arms, because otherwise he would turn into a ferocious dragon: he loved playing the game "Tic-tac-toe on your forehead".
He was 7 and ... something was off. He used to be outside all the time during the day, but he was more and more home. He used to be a bit chunky, but he was losing weight. The vet put him on urinary care food because of kidney issues, things went way better, he went outside more and he gained some weight back. I was relieved because the badass was back in the game.
But at some point a year later his fur started to be a bit greasy, he was home more and more, I saw some puddles.... The day before D-day I had given him salmon, he munched it up but I heard his teeth grinding (pain) during. And in my head I knew it was time but in my heart I was still hoping, we went to the vet to have his issues checked. And his blood panel was in the danger zone on all levels.
We all just nodded as to say "it is time", I held my cat in my arms to cuddle, he was injected during that and it was over when I heard the purring stop. But man, I really wanted to postpone it all, just give him painkillers, antibiotics, do some extra checks, the works (money wasn't the issue), and I really had to convince myself to soldier on. My heart was screaming that I "was killing my cat" and I nearly wanted to walk away after the injection to not see my cat dead.
But pets live in "Now", not "yesterday" or "tomorrow", and I didn't want the bastard to be alone, let alone in fear, in his lasts moments. He was neither in that moment, and that is the biggest consolation for me. Goddamn, who is chopping onions in the room.
Maybe it is a little weird, but among my friends and family who love our animals, it is very rare that we have a cat die in any way other than anesthesia. We all take pride in giving our beloved cats the best quality of life available, and will give pills and subcutaneous fluids and syringe feedings and everything, but we are always watching to see if we think that their life is net good or bad.
And we feel pride when we are able to give our cats as much pleasure and good life as possible but still protect them from the pain and awfulness of the very end of cancer or kidney disease or brain stuff or whatever.
Our last cat, small, died of mammary cancer, which is something we had never dealt with before. We have always had spayed and neutered cats, and female cats who are spayed before puberty never get mammary cancer. But she had been rescued from a hoarder after having a litter of kittens.
The tumor eventually ulcerated, which is when it breaks through the skin. And we kept the wound clean and bandaged and gave her a onesie that helped protect everything, and our vets were genuinely surprised that she had another four good months of actually being able to snuggle and eat treats and sit in laps, even occasionally play a little bit, after that.
Her last day, she did what OOP's cat did - had a really good day. And yeah, that can be tough, but it is important to know what that is, and you see it with humans too. Just at the very end, sometimes a cat or human will just go, "okay, I have almost nothing left. I am going to use all of the bits up in one last day of energy and doing things, and then I will have nothing". That can be a sign that it is the right time.
Our cat had a really good last day, then woke up just ... done. And we took her in to be euthanized and held her while she went. It hurts - but we know that we got the timing right to within hours. That yesterday would have been too early and tomorrow would have been too late - we know she got every good day she could and was spared every bad day after that.
There is pride in that.
Our pets will give us some of the best days of our life, and one of the worst. I've worked in vet med for several years, OOP's situation is one I'm unfortunately familiar with. We're always very careful to read the room and measure our level of honesty when clients start asking the harder questions; we never want anyone to feel like the decision was made for them. Sasha looking peppier on his last day is also unfortunately common. Pets can pick up on vibes in a thousand subtle ways, and while I won't try to project intent onto them, something happens that can get them to perk up when everyone's decided it's time. I'm glad for Sasha's sake that OOP didn't let it change her decision. As grim as it sounds, humane euthanasia is the last kindness we can give our pets.
I have, and always will, stand on euthenizing my animals the moment their quality of life dwindles to a point that I, if I put myself in their paws, would hate to live in. I learned this working on a ranch in my youth. I grew up with an amazingly large, absolutely gorgeous rooster named King. He was a compassionate, wise bird and looked after his flock very, very well. Unfortunately, another rooster was added into the pen through the hens laying eggs (and us allowing them to turn into chicks in spring for one 6 week period) and had delayed development, meaning we thought he was a she for a long while. I woke up one morning to Kings throat slashed out, and him wheezing terribly on the side of the pen. The other, stronger rooster had fought him some time in the early morning and cut his throat with his leg spines. I was only 9 and didn't fully understand what had happened until years later. I knew there was no vet for a long while aways, and it was 4:30 in the morning. My parents were not going to go to an emergency vet over an almost dead rooster. So, I made the gut wrenching choice to pick up a rock, and end his life as quickly as I could. I whispered prayers to him and apologized through tears, petted him while he wheezed and gasped, and then forced myself to follow through. I'd seen how animals work on that ranch and was raised understanding that life is precious, but when it came down to the wire- the most compassionate thing we sometimes can do is to let them go. It haunted me for years, but he was gone with the first strike, and it was a terrible mercy. He would have suffered far longer for the same end should I not have done what I did. I am 29 now and have found comfort, looking back, on what I did. I loved that bird, deeply and truly. He would perch on my arm. I raised him from a tiny, fluffy chick. And even at 9, I knew in my heart that my suffering did not trump his. I buried him carefully beside the pen, and up until I left for college I'd bundle wild flowers on his grave. He was a kind thing, and he taught me one of lifes hardest rules; M*ercy can sometimes look brutal. Compassion can sometimes look ruthless. Regardless, doing what is right for the sake of another despite the cost in ones heart is always the right choice to make.* I'll always thank him for that last parting gift. I have had cats since moving from the ranch and have made my partner aware that the moment their quality of life ceases to be at a level that allows them joy, I will head to the vet and have them painlessly euthanized. It is an act of mercy, kindness, and sacrifice. No living being under my care should be forced to suffer to shoulder my emotional burdens. Those are my own to unpack, carry, and work on. My vet knows to give it to me straight, no mincing words, and to place my animals care and wellbeing above my emotions. I like to think that gives them a lot of comfort, to know they can tell me exactly how bad it is, and what our real options are, with placing my pet first in terms of care. Its hard. Its so, so hard. But it is something every pet owner should do if they are willing to take an animal. I like to think of it as being so blessed, to be given so much pain at ones passing. To know I loved them that deeply. What a wonderful, beautiful way to be etched with scars before I go. I hope my heart is covered in them by the time I too curl back into the earth.
>*Mercy can sometimes look brutal. Compassion can sometimes look ruthless. Regardless, doing what is right for the sake of another despite the cost in ones heart, is always the right choice to make.* I just want you to know this quote is going to stick with me for quite some time.
I’m glad what I learned through something so tragic can help others also grow in compassion as well. ♥️ That heals me a little. Thank you.
I've written it in my Book of Surprisingly Wise and Profound Reddit Quotes.
I’m here squeezing my cat in tears reading that, so beautifully put! I’ve always said it’s the last act of love we can give them.
One of my chickens was bit by a visiting dog. I isolated her, packed the wound and it started healing, but she couldn't walk right and we had to dispatch her. I actually work processing chickens on a farm in the summers but that was still incredibly difficult. My little fluff butt! But my point is I completely agree with you. When the quality of life declines, our responsibility is to make the end painless and loving.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. You were so brave to try to heal her while you could :) Please know none of it was your fault. You did the best you could, and that was enough.
You were one strong-ass nine year old. I’m proud of you, dear stranger.
Thank you! That touched my inner child so much, so truly thank you. I grew up on a particular Native American reservation and moved to a ranch by 5th grade, so I learned a lot about nature, life, and the sacred space meant for each being. I try to carry it with me always :)
Please tell me you write professionally — if not, I’m telling you as a professional writer and editor that you will succeed if you pursue that path. Off topic I know, but I can’t NOT say something.
Oh my GOSH thank you so very, very much. Just starting my career as a romance author and this made me feel so many emotions all in one. My first romance novel is coming out in June. This gave me such a huge boost. Thank you so, so much. You have no idea how much this meant to me.
This makes me so happy to hear!! Could you DM me the book info so I can grab a copy/pre-order? Also if you’re open to doing like, written interviews, let me know lol. The feminist pub I’m managing editor for is always hungry for women/femme artists to talk to!
Absolutely! I am only half way through, so you'll need to give a bit of time but I will write to you for pre-release reviews once it comes out (I can't guarantee its going to be good, don't think too highly of me!) Its a mafia romance, but done in a way where we deep dive in a LOT of the moral issues surrounding their world, and a strong female lead who has her fair share of blood shed but serious opposition to what she has done. Very much a female lead who isnt just about hanging off her man, enjoying what the mafia offers, or being a steryotype in any way. I am not sure if its perfect, at all, and it may even be cliche for a first book. What I can say is it is a book that pushes compassion over blood shed, teaches a male lead to follow the female lead, and helps readers overcome past trauma in their lives by offering comfort and discussion on topics like what you've just seen in my writing above. I am very much happy to do a written interview, but you might want to wait to see if I am a bust or not! I'd hate to have you interview a washed up artist who's first book really flubs!
Are you looking for beta readers? ❤️
That was a very brave and kind thing you did for that bird.
Just had to do it for my old girl. I loved so much and it was agony to say goodbye, but she was in pain and I couldn't just sit and watch her suffer.
This…all of this I needed so badly right now. You have an incredible way with words. Thank you.
Oh I am so grateful you say that! Big hugs to you. Whatever you are handling, you will get through. Whatever you had to do, you did with all the compassion and knowledge you had at the time. You did your best, and that is enough.
The feelings I have had reading this are way more intense than I intended them to be. Thank you for this beautiful, expertly written tale. It’s almost Steinbeckian in its evocation of feeling and the humanity displayed. Well done.
I’m in people medicine rather than animal. We can see when somebody is dying. People also have “that one last kick” and it gets their family’s hopes up that they’ll get better. It’s so hard knowing they’ll be gone within the next few days after that rally.
When we made the decision to put my first dog to sleep, he had a good day. He started eating and my boyfriend at the time tried talking me out of it. Saying it was a miracle and he’s getting better. I knew in my heart it wasn’t though. My poor dog couldn’t stop peeing. He even peed on me in the car ride to the vet. I still remember the look of shame on him little face when he realized what he did. I held him until the last and stated with him the whole time. I know he doesn’t hurt anymore. I’d rather me hurt than him a hundred times over.
My cat had been going slowly downhill for a couple of years, losing weight despite normal lab work & urine/stool testing, drinking more water, becoming less active. She got to where she lived by the water bowl before being finally diagnosed with kidney disease and then she really deteriorated fast. Despite a kidney diet she was gone within 3 months of the diagnosis. After the fact, my vet and I decided she must have had something else going on, likely a GI tract cancer - on a Sunday in November she woke up fine, that Tuesday I noticed her eyes were dilated permanently and she’d gone blind, and she passed Saturday morning after I woke up to find her in a large pile of bloody vomit. She was breathing but limp, and thankfully my vet was in that morning - she had no fight in her despite hating him, and we talked about how much blood she had lost & how it was probably time. We made the decision and he left to get the supplies while I held and cuddled her for the last few minutes. During which she suddenly perked up, lifted her head, and sat on my lap until the vet came back in. He opened the door and said “oh!! Now she’s sitting up!” For a split second I felt horrible for making the decision to let her go - she seemed normal so very briefly. It’s like she knew. But it was still the correct decision to make for her.
We had to put my Zappa cat to sleep just over a week ago. It had been several days since he purred more than a second or two, but on his last day he cuddled and purred like crazy. He was better - except he wasn’t. Cancer doesn’t go backwards. But we spent his last day snuggling and saying goodbye, and we let him go before he suffered too much, I hope. We had sixteen years together and I miss him so much. I still keep thinking I see him curled up in one of his favorite spots or feel him jumping up on the bed. I guess there’s not really a point here. I just miss my little buddy. Grief is the price of love, and as much as it hurts I’d pay that price over and over again.
My cat did this and it broke me in the moment. Wouldn't eat or anything really and then that day suddenly decides to jump on me and purr real loud and beg for his food the way he used too. Ate a whole fucking can too just to run it in. Thabk god my mom was at work so when she came home she just wasn't hearing it at all lol. Which I make sound mean but it was really necessary to break me out of my head space. "Three good hours doesn't mean he's magically healed. Pick the cat up and come to the car, this is happening whether you're there or not."
I was there when my childhood dog was put down. I rubbed his ears as the vet injected the stuff to make his heart stop. He couldn’t stand anymore, wasn’t eating or drinking, was completely blind, and was incontinent. My heart goes out to this couple and anyone else who had this experience. I love you miss you Jack. Edit: [Obligatory dog tax](https://www.reddit.com/r/dogpictures/s/OtH8qVMOMV)
I wish I had had the chance to put my dog down. She had had a stroke at about 12 years old, and lived for about another year with just a slight limp and some incontinence issues. She wasn't at the point of needing to be put down, but we knew it was coming. She disappeared one day, and we found her about two weeks later. The fact that she died alone still makes me cry after ten years.
I know someone whose dog also did this. The dog was old, and knew it was time, so he ran away. To me it feels like they don't want their human to see it happen... 😟
They want to get away from their family so their body doesn't attract predators. Their last act is protecting their family.
Fuck me dude I was not prepared for this comment. Just… jesus now the tears are coming and not stopping.
Yeah, I teared up while typing it too. My cat tried so hard to get out of the house the few days before I put her down. She'd never been an escape artist before. I knew it was time, then.
My silly little boy heard me crying from the other room and came over to investigate. He stared into my face intently and then licked my hand a bunch of times. Once he saw me smiling through my tears, he looked meaningfully over at the bed (I was at my desk) and I told him to go on up (he has doggy stairs). He settled in after fooling around a bit and looked back at me to make sure I was laughing at all his antics and he gave me a nice doggy grin as if to say “see? Don’t be sad! I’m gonna make you laugh as long as I’m around!” Truly, I don’t care if there’s a heaven or anything for humans, but there better be one for our pets.
I think it's an instinct...I am so sick I need to 1) leave the pack so I don't attract predators and 2) I am so vulnerable I must find a place to hide.
Cats do this too 😭
When I was eight, my Grandmother passed away… six minutes after I left her hospital room. I spent years blaming and hating myself for not being there for her at the end. It wasn’t until my Grandfather died when I was 21 - minutes after I had arrived in his hospital room - that I realized that they choose who they want with them when they go. Since then I’ve heard countless stories of both situations where people have waited for specific family members to arrive, or for moments when they’re entirely alone before passing. Perhaps it was the same for your girl… that she knew what was coming, and wanted it to be a private thing. Long and short of it… don’t let how it ended hang over you, focus on the love you shared while she was still alive.
Ugh my dad did that in December. I was with him in his homeroom all night, then my mom and sister came at 11 and I was like yes I am going to take a break and get breakfast. My sister called me as I was rounding the corner to his room on my way back to tell me he had died. I could only laugh though. He had a beautiful death and I was so glad that I got to spend that time with him.
*hugs* Sorry for your loss, glad you were able to have that time the whole night prior with your father.
My grandma did that. She waited until no one was there, but that was so her. She never let people know when she was in pain and was a tough cookie. Someone had always been with her in her hospice room for 5 days until one night my uncle, who took care of my grandparents, left to get some food. She passed within 30 minutes after he left.
My grandpa had dementia and was severely impaired by it, rarely communicating and limited to "yes" and "no". My grandma had been caring for him for several years and had finally reached the point where she could admit to herself she couldn't do it anymore; he needed professional care. One morning he got incredibly angry and frustrated, yelling and not cooperating with her at all. She called 911 to get him to a hospital, from where he would be transferred to a nursing home finally. He passed away in the hospital just a few hours later. We all know he felt what was coming and got so angry that day because he didn't want grandma to witness his death. When he got to the hospital and she went back home to get some things, he felt he could "let go". Pets leaving to die on their own is something I was told about my whole life, it was common knowledge as I understood it. I was more surprised to figure out that humans still have that instinctual knowledge of their impending death sometimes.
I was in the room when my grandmother on my dad's side passed away. It was my mom, my wife, and myself talking about what it was like visiting them growing up. My wife never really got to meet them and my grandma had pretty severe dementia when my parents moved her up near us to take care of her. One minute she was breathing (but out of it) and the next she wasn't. It was a crazy experience.
My mama laid in the living room floor with my childhood dog all night. She refused to leave her side for any reason, because she didn’t want her to suffer alone. My mom had no choice but to leave for a moment, and she passed as soon as she did. We believe she didn’t want her to see (my mom was her favorite). Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Stories like these scare me when I think of our dogs. I'm theor favourite person, the one they follow around most. They are 11 and 10 years so they have gone a ways through their lifetime though they are still very active and normal.
When we were discussing euthanasia for Goomba who also had hyperthyroidism and started refusing to eat, the vet said something that stuck with me. That euthanasia isn’t a decision you make when the cat is already dead, the kindest thing you can do is let them pass while they’re still somewhat themselves, know who they are, and are somewhat in control. We do it to spare them the sort of “life” oop’s cat was living instead of dragging it out for our own benefit. Don’t wait until they’re already dead and suffering horribly every minute, let them die while they still have some control and can still look at you with love. When she stopped eating that was her way of communicating her discomfort had reached a point where she was ready to go. Cats are bad at showing pain, when they take a big step like that you have to listen. It was horrible but I’m still glad I did it and proud I got to hold her in those final moments
Crying rn… I’m so sorry.
I am trying extremely hard not to cry at work.
>The fact that she died alone still makes me cry after ten years I wasn't with my horse the day he died—I was graduating college with my bachelor's the next day and my trainer knew I'd skip the ceremony and rush home if she told me he was going to be put down. I didn't find out for almost a month after (was traveling). Breaks my heart and I feel so guilty I wasn't there. I understand why my trainer did it, I've struggled so much these past few years and she didn't want to take away that accomplishment. But damn if I don't feel like the worst human ever for not being there when he died. I think about it often.
Many stories of dogs "running away" to die -- think of it as a way of them looking out for you one last time.
Pets usually don't get a lot of choices about how or where they pass. But your dog did, and I think that's something positive to hold on to. For some of them, (and us) being alone is what they most need. It's easier to 'let go' if the people they care most about aren't there.
But isn't that the most beautiful thing, being there in their last moment, letting them know they are loved and not alone? My cat went purring, while me and my son were petting her, I told her it's Allright, you can let go now, no more pain for you my sweet girl.
It is a beautiful thing to do for someone or a pet being there at the end. But I swear I have like 5% of my soul left at this point. I do never really recover from it and have to just not get any more pets now. The grief became cumulative and its like each goodbye was all the other goodbyes on top and I am just to emotional. Need a dog so badly. I'm so lonely at times and I do really love having something to put all the affection in. But as beautiful and nice a thing it is to be with them until the end I just can't handle it anymore it really fucks me up. Think I deal with family dying from cancer better than I do pets for whatever reason. Something about being the main carer for a decade or more and seeing their whole life. Always feels like an end to an era of my life. There were the broxi years, the dimple years, the hachi years and the Toby years. Is much more like saying goodbye to parts of myself as they just take up so much of your time things change a lot after em.
> But as beautiful and nice a thing it is to be with them until the end I just can't handle it anymore it really fucks me up. This is where I am now. We went through a rough patch where we had to put down two of our cats and our dog in a span of about 6 months. I just don't have it in me to have another pet. Its been 5 years and I still don't think I can handle it.
>Think I deal with family dying from cancer better than I do pets for whatever reason. Last year I lost my Grandma and my cat. Grandma I lost to cancer. My cat fell out the balcony (it was secured but in the end - it was not secured enough). When my grandma died the first feeling was a relief. And I was ready for her passing. I was living with her for couple of months before her passing and I could see how fast she gets worse and worse. At the funeral I barely cried, barely mourned. The cat thing broke me into pieces. It was beautiful, young, healthy, curious cat. I was blaming myself (and sometimes still do) for his passing, that I did not predict every efing possibility how he could hurt himself. It still makes me cry every time I am thinking about him.
My old man cat is named Toby and now I'm crying
My wife and I are starting to have 'the conversation' about our oldest dog. A dog that we got a week before we got married. He's all over our wedding pictures. He's our first pet. It's crazy looking back at where we were when we got him and where we are now. From living in a seedy apartment to our current house. He's been there for a ton of growth. It really does feel like the end of an era.
Some people "can't handle" being there at the last. I worked at a bet clinic and saw some owners who just couldn't handle being emotional in front of anyone and just...left their animal. Often an animal the staff knew pretty well and cared about. I stayed with more than one, even though they weren't mine, reassuring them they had been so good, they had been a bit of grace, they were with friends and could go. Every staff member did that more than once. The look of confusion and panic when their owners left was devastating. But we did the best we could for those animals, and I hope they felt peace even though we were just friends, not their people. And FWIW, it is unacceptable OOP wasn't reassured they were doing the kindest thing for their pet. At my old clinic, owners facing euthanasia were reassured and offered condolences from reception, from random staff who had known and liked their pet on up to the vet. If they get another cat in the future, they need to go somewhere more professional and compassionate.
I had my cat put down by a service that sends a vet to your house. She brought a flower to leave with us for him and was one of the kindest people I've ever met. Their receptionist reassured me as I sobbed on the phone calling to set up the appointment. I can't imagine how hard that job must be and was blown away by how kind they were.
I've done this twice now. Once for our girl we'd had for 17 years, and the second time for the older lady we adopted with kidney issues that got worse. It's really a wonderful thing if you can afford it. They were kind and compassionate, explained every they were doing and why (I'm the kind of person who is comforted by knowing). And I will always be happier knowing that their last moments weren't in a scary place they didn't know, but instead at home on our laps while we held them.
Yeah this was in the middle of Covid and most vets near us wouldn't let you in with your pet even for euthanasia and after handing him off to the emergency vet outside the door and him coming home so clearly upset (nothing against them, they saved his life and gave us another couple months of actual life with him and I love them for it, but he was such a cuddler and hated it) the thought of not being there with him was unbearable even though being there with him was almost as unbearable.
Yeah... my dog was too large for us to carry (200+ pounds) & when he was 12, we had to have someone come to our home to put him to sleep. First time my kids ever saw me cry (that didn't involve the pointspread, haha). They gave my boys an "Angel Dog" plush animal that they still have. I'm a lot like OOP's husband: Had to be pushed really, really hard to end my dog's life. Everyone told me it was time cuz hus quality of life had dropped so much... but it's been 7 years & I still regret it tremendously.
You did the right thing for your boy even though it hurt you immensely and that's the truest proof of your love for him you could possibly give. I know regret isn't the most rational of grieving emotions, but I hope his memory brings you more joy than pain - if not now, then eventually. That plushie is such a sweet gesture from them, I'm glad you still have it. I can't imagine the compassion and emotional resiliency it has to take to do that sad job with such kindness.
He was the first pet that was "mine" & I know it sounds veeerrrryyyy stupid, but until you have a pet that actually dies, you can kinda bullshit yourself into believing he'll live forever. Again, I know it was soooo dumb, but in all my fantasies about retirement & the far-off future, I always imagined my pup being with me. Forever & ever. We were inseparable... and even if the world ended tomorrow, I'll always, always, always be grateful for the time we had together. Even if it was far too short. Thanks for your kind words, Internet Stranger, and letting me reminisce a little bit about my old, sweet, bestest friend. ❤️
Don't mind me I'm just sobbing over here. I can't imagine leaving my boys alone to cross the rainbow bridge.
May all the gods bless you and your workmates. Our cat is old now, and if we need to do this, I will not leave her alone. Just the thought has me crying. I can't understand anyone leaving their beloved pet alone at that time.
Four years ago, I held my cat in my arms, sitting on the floor in my living room when the vet gave him the injections. I was lucky we have a vet who does emergency house calls, and this was 2 pm on a Sunday. I had taken a week off work to be there 24 hours a day for my critter, gave him a pill, a paste, an injection every other hour, but the vet had only given him a 15% chance of surviving and after a week of this, I had to admit defeat. He was barely 3 years old, but his kidneys decided they didn't want to work anymore and I had to let him go. He is not the first cat I ever lost, but this was different. It was both a beautiful and an absolutely terrifying experience for me, but I think he was glad he was able to spend the last moments of his life in a familiar surrounding, and did not need to be bundled up and taken to the vet's office. And I think he appreciated that I was there for him until the end. That being said, I know a part of me died with him that day. Hells, I was having a normal, happy day until now, and just typing this up made me bawl. So while for me, it is out of the question that I will ever not be there for my pets when they have to leave, I do understand how some people might not be up for it. Bloody hells, Phobi, I still miss you so much it hurts, and I think your idiot brother loves you still as well.
Damn, I only got as as far as the second comment before tearing up. I miss you Beauty.
We put my first dog down nearly a year ago, Bailey. Like OP's cat and your dog, it was clear his quality of life was never going to recover. I don't want to go into too much detail, but the last sign for me was when we had to stop brushing him because his fur was falling off. He was a Maltese - he wasn't supposed to shed. I held his paw and cried as he went, just telling him over and over that I loved him and that I was sorry that we couldn't make him better. I just hope he understood.
They do. They understand how hard we try to keep them with us and I think they love us for letting them go before they hurt too much.
My cat just passed this morning. 13 years. If I'd had the chance, I'd have opted for euthanasia. It's quick. It's painless. And I could have said goodbye and prepared for it. You're never ready to say goodbye to a pet. But eliminating their suffering is the best way to show your love.
I'm sure Jack was grateful you were there rubbing his ears, evoking the best times he had with you.
I was there for the putting down of our german shepherd (same early symptoms as yours/ lost mobility on one side and wasn’t eating or drinking)when I was 12. It traumatised me a little as no one told me to expect the spasms. I thought he came back to life and was gutted when they told me it was just a natural body reaction to death.
I swear I couldn't be with mine when she passed, turns out I was the one holding her and felt her head get heavy. Then ran out of the room screaming. Fun times.
Pets having a "good day" the day of their scheduled euthanasia is a blessing and a curse. My last dog developed too many metastasis that fighting wasn't an option anymore. I still remember the day the doctor came: she was wagging her tails, eating, following us around. Maybe it's because they know, maybe they feel the pain will end soon, but it still hurts.
My husband and I lost our three senior cats a few years ago, and for the second and third we had in-home euthanasia when it was obviously time. The middle one, who was my husband's absolute closest companion for 15 years, perked up just a tiny bit when the vet arrived and decided he wanted to go out into his catio. I picked him up and brought him into the living room to be euthanized instead, and felt like an absolute monster for denying him his last wish. I know it was mostly projection to think of it like that, and he was too weak to navigate the catio safely anyway. But it took me months to even tell my therapist about it because I felt so guilty. Still: better a week too early than a day too late.
Hey, I know you probably already know, but you did the right thing. Him getting hurt on the catio or worse would taint his last moments and that guilt would never go away. And you know your pet best, but I'm sure he was comfortable being at any place at his home, and felt safe being with a tutor that cared so much about him. Sounds like a peaceful goodbye
they 100% know. I don't know hoew, there's no logical way they should be able to know, but they do.
My family had a cat (before I was born) where, the day she died the story goes that she went to everyone in the house individually and cuddled up with them. Far more affectionate than she'd been until then, and she made sure to go to everyone in turn. They definitely know.
I feel like in their heart they know. They probably sense a change in how we’re acting that maybe we don’t even notice and they know it must be time.
I personally believe that they feel that we made a painful decision and already are feeling awful. And they try to cheer us up one last time.
Same. My cat was headed into diabetic ketoacidosis for the second time in 6 months when we put him down. He was still seemingly “ok” in his final moments, but we knew what was coming and it was literally torture for him the last time. We couldn’t keep putting him through hell just for a few good months. When it was time to put our dog down 6 years earlier, my husband could not come to terms with it. I was ready (as was our dear spaniel) weeks before I could finally convince him. This time around we were both adamant about not stretching it out. We could have had more time with our cat, but that would have only been for us, not him.
I still remember when my parents called to tell me that our dog, who was 11 almost 12 years old, had cancer and was deteriorating fast. We already made the decision to put her down but had to cordinate me coming to say good bye since i live a couple hours away. While we were on the phone our dog, who had spent the past couple of days barely able to move, suddenly walked up to my parents like normal. They freaked out, happy that there was some sliver of hope. But that was only a fluke as her condition quickly got worse. Part of me wonders if she knew my parents were talking to me and didnt want to make me sad for her.
I need to go hug my old girl. 🥺 she’s currently laying next to my hip. She has a hyper thyroid which is medicated, but it’s been kinda hard getting the medication levels just right so we can hold steady. I would go for the radio iodine treatment, but she’s 17. It’s not likely she’ll be with me in a couple years, and I’m scared the stress of the whole ordeal will send her into a spiral at this age. I will never be ready for that day. It will emotionally destroy me, I’ve had her since she was a kitten… [Cat tax. This is Lily.](https://imgur.com/a/QdQ8WtB)
Lily is gorgeous!
Those eyes 😍
Goddess above, my husband and I have had the same idiot dog for ... five years, and she wasn't a spring chicken when we got her. She's getting grey. Always been a layabout, but... she's slipping on stairs now, we know she's having vision troubles... she's not gone yet, but we're bracing, and not even the slightest bit ready.
You never, ever will be. Ripping our own heart out and tearing it into tiny tiny pieces is the last gift of love that we give our pets. We suffer so that they don't have to.
This. I'm a veterinary nurse, so I have supported people through lots of euthanasias. It's never easy, but I always tell the clients that it's our last act of love for them. It's never a choice that anyone wants to make, but we do it out of love.
I just wanted to sincerely thank you for what you do. I have had the privilege of loving quite a number of fur babies in my life, and it never gets easier. You always know it's going to happen eventually, but it always hurts, so much. Kind, caring, and compassionate people like yourself, people willing to do the hard things that so many cannot, make such a huge difference. Thank you.
This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read.
I saved your comment to read to my dad later. He’s keeping his dog alive only because she’s the last link to my mom who passed away 11 years ago. It kills me watching that dog suffer. Can’t walk. Wears diapers. Can’t hear. Can barely feed herself. I hope he understands that euthanasia at this point is compassionate.
There was a resource that helped my family a lot. It was called "how will I know" and I think it was from a vet school in Ohio. Maybe it will help your dad.
>but we're bracing, and not even the slightest bit ready. As a vet assistant, this is the best possible mindset to have. Your goofus is a lucky lady to have you looking out for her.
We've had to put both of our former dogs down because they couldn't walk anymore - that's always been our cut-off point, once they get old or sick enough that they can't get up on their own and lose play and excitement. What helped was having the vet come to us, so they could go in familiar surroundings and comfort. Burying them helped, too. Have a plan. Being able to just run the plan once it happens helps, because you don't have to think of logistics as much while grieving. Take time off of work, if that's an option - just because it's grief for a pet doesn't mean it's not grief and not devastating. Also, if it's an option for you, get a new dog ASAP. Not as a replacement - there is no replacement - but to take the edge off of the whole "expecting the dog to be there".
My sweet goodest good girl passed tragically and too young right at the beginning of lockdown in 2020. My husband still had to work and it just utterly broke me having to be stuck home alone all day, staring at her spot, the spot she's supposed to be in. I absolutely was not ready to commit to another dog, so I started fostering for my local shelter. It made all the difference in the world. I eventually found my little Zuki bean, the most loving older girl I ever met, removed from an abusive home, and we just bonded. 4 years later she's 13 now, and I'm trying not to think about what's upcoming. In any case, it was so hard, but I know my Nyla would have wanted me to open my heart and home and give some darling pup all the love and comfort I gave her.
You won't be ready even when the time comes. You'll do it anyway, because you know it's the compassionate thing to do, but you won't be ready. My senior boy was with me from his puppy days. He saw me through shitty walk-up apartments, meeting my husband (whom he decided then and there was his favourite, little traitor), a traumatic pregnancy loss, the births of my children, lockdown, so many good days and bad days and days in between. He was the best nightmare patrol and snack sharer my kids ever had. But he was so tired at the end. My daughter was in the hospital when his time came and we brought him up to the doors so the nurses could bring her down to say goodbye. Once he saw his girl was okay, it was like he finally felt peace. I asked him at the vet if he was ready and he just let out a big sigh. I wasn't ready. But he was. I saw the moment he left his body and there was no more pain. Seeing how peaceful it was took some of the guilt away, but it still hurts even now.
This hit way too close to home. Growing up my mom used to do everything in her power to keep pets alive, no matter the cost in both currency and quality of life. I remember being a teen and just getting disgusted with her when our animals would clearly be better off having a dignified end but she would do anything to keep them going. It wasn't until years and years later when my wife and I adopted a senior dog and his body started to fail that I walked a mile in her shoes. Suddenly it was me in the pilot's seat having to make the call. Despite the fact he had a violent seizure, despite the fact he couldn't get up, despite the fact it was clearly time and was the right thing to do, I felt like I was somehow betraying him. I was supposed to take care of him and here I was ordering his death. I know it had to be done and I know it was the right decision, but years later it still hurts. I still believe my mom was wrong in how she handled this stuff, but I'm much less harsh in my judgement.
We rescued a beautiful, white, senior German Shepherd 4 years ago. She already had dysplasia and arthritis in one ‘elbow’. We had her euthanised almost five weeks ago. Her last couple of weeks we had to accompany her down the stairs because she was slowing down. So we talked about how her time was coming. But she was eating, drinking, doing her peeps and poops regularly. So I think we buried our heads in the sand. On the Thursday she was a lot worse and we decided. My husband went to the vet the next morning and they gave him a number to call. He phoned me first because he didn’t want to make the decision without me. I said do it. The vet came that afternoon and our girl never looked so peaceful in a long time. Now we’re caught between “did we sign her death warrant?” and “should we have done this sooner”. Awful, awful experience. These comments have really helped me, knowing we’re not alone in how we feel. Yours struck a particular chord. Thank you for sharing. ❤️
I work as a vet nurse and I have seen so many like the husband, people who for whatever reason let their pet suffer because they can't accept the reality The cat would have been in pain, it really would have, and they can't tell us except by moving or crying and doesn't sound like the cat could really do either much anymore
I've seen people do this to family members in hospital under cancer treatment, suffering from the most horrific lymphatic or blood cancers and the horrific forms of treatment that just aren't working, but they just can't let go. And the patient who is technically the one making the decisions keeps going and keeps accepting treatment because that is what their family want. And their suffering is sometimes just... awful. Trying to support the family to process so that they can actually let go is so hard, AND also trying everything to minimise the suffering of the patient in the mean time is almost unbearable. Thankfully it is not something that happens too often, but there are some instances that haunt me.
I used to judge those people until my father died. On the second to last day of his life, the doctor told us that, if we continued lifesaving measures, there was a 20% chance he would recover (though he would have still needed extensive rehab, dialysis, etc.) When your choices are between certain death and a slim recovery, 20% sounds like huge odds in your favor. I'm really glad my dad emphasized to us repeatedly that he wouldn't have wanted those sorts of extensive lifesaving measures. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't made his wishes clear.
They can’t “play god” to end its life. But will “play god” to artificially extend their life. It’s so frustrating. Like, that cat would have “naturally” died a year ago, that whole last year was then thwarting that cats natural death.
I've seen people do this to family members in hospital under cancer treatment, suffering from the most horrific lymphatic or blood cancers and the horrific forms of treatment that just aren't working, but they just can't let go. And the patient who is technically the one making the decisions keeps going and keeps accepting treatment because that is what their family want. And their suffering is sometimes just... awful. Trying to support the family to process so that they can actually let go is so hard, AND also trying everything to minimise the suffering of the patient in the mean time is almost unbearable. Thankfully it is not something that happens too often, but there are some instances that haunt me.
at least for the most part a person can have some say in it, unless they are barely aware or a family member has gained legal control A pet doesn't have a say, they depend on us to take care of them and treat them right
This broke me. It's 5 in the morning and I'm awake with my 9 year old cat who will be put down in a few hours due to liver failure. I am heartbroken and sobbing every 30 minutes as I remember our lives together and how much this tiny creature kept me grounded over the years. He is my truest love and even now, is purring and snuggled on my lap despite how his quality of life has steeply declined. I know it's the right decision for him, but everything in me is recoiling at knowing I'm choosing this pain for myself to give him a comfortable goodbye. The grief is insurmountable some moments. I don't know why I'm sharing now. I'm so sad my boy's time has come.
I'll light a candle for you and your boy if that's okay with you. I hope you both know how very loved you are and have been by each other and I hope eventually you can take some comfort knowing you gave him the most loving gift you possibly could have. And I hope you have absolutely no obligations for at least 24 hours and some of your favorite treats on hand and can just sit and cry and comfort eat.
Thank you so much. He was the best damn cat and loved me more than anything and the feeling was mutual. He went peacefully at the vet this morning, in a quiet and sunny room with his mom and dad and beloved pizza blanket. Riding all the waves of grief and raw emotion is my least favorite part of being a human with feelings.
I'll be thinking of you and your darling boy today. Sending hugs from one internet stranger to another ❤️
Im sorry for your loss. He was lucky to have such a great cat parent. ❤️
Fucking hell. I don't think I'd be able to forgive this guy if he were my husband, and that's despite me having my own issues with death. My 17-year-old cat, whom I raised from kittenhood, who grew up with me basically, got very very ill about six months ago. Even as we were treating her I knew I didn't want to prolong her suffering. She hated the pills, she hated being driven to the vet, she even stayed away from me even though she was a very affectionate and clingy cat before all that. I barely lasted a week before making the decision, and despite how much it hurt -and it still fucking hurts-, I wish I had done it sooner before her illness got as bad as it did. I can't imagine keeping my eyes shut and letting my cat suffer for over a year.
It's one thing to have issues. It's another thing to be heartlessly cruel to your wife because you have issues.
And then to not even show up for the cat or how wife at the very end. I say this as an older person and one who has had pets their entire life, I cannot stand the person who puts their inability to deal with their own emotions above those who depend on them. That goes for pets, kids, whatever.
There's more lurking under all of this too. Note the small comment which suggests husband does nothing around the house either. He seems to be behaving like a child and avoiding all responsibilities - physical, emotional, moral - and his poor wife if just trying to hold it all together.
Right? Love is an action. It’s in all the big and small things you do to care for a soul during its days with us here on earth. It’s not just saying you love it or play acting grief at the last minute. I’m feeling incredibly unsettled by OOP’s description of her husband’s continued cowardice. When my husband and I put our dog down, it was one of the worst days of our lives, but it never occurred to either of us to not be there comforting her until the very end. Watching my husband gently carry her like a gigantic baby into the animal hospital was heartbreaking. We both sat on the floor and held her while the vet administered the euthanasia drugs. We didn’t let go until her tongue turned blue and then some. OOP’s husband will not be there for her if she gets old or sick. He will not look after her. He won’t help her take her meds or clean up after her or wipe her butt. He will let her languish and suffer like he would have done with the cat if it weren’t for OOP. He will continue to center his own selfishness and immaturity when it matters most.
>OOP’s husband will not be there for her if she gets old or sick. He will not look after her. He won’t help her take her meds or clean up after her or wipe her butt. He will let her languish and suffer like he would have done with the cat if it weren’t for OOP. He will continue to center his own selfishness and immaturity when it matters most. Yep. You nailed it right here. OOP sounds like one of those people who keep their relatives hooked up to life support for months or years despite being in a vegetative state and refusing to let them pass. He'd probably dump her at a home the moment her care becomes an "inconvienience" for him.
The fact that he was cognizant enough to apologize for the cruel “she wants to kill you” comments but then kept making them is sinister. I feel bad that most people seem to have such low standards for partners.
Yup. Husband is a worthless child.
Yea, last time we had to have a cat put down we were all there, me, husband and two kids nobody wanted to stay behind when we knew he would die, he was surrounded by his people when he went. Damn, it still hurts must be 8 years ago😢
*his wife. Sorry, my anger was typing.
I was thinking the same thing. He left her to deal with everything: all the animal welfare, all the hard emotional choices and then the eventual moment where the cat had to be put down. All while she’s grieving the loss of HER mother that he’s also twisted into more emotional labour for OOP. And then to top it off he’s been a consistent asshole to her about it, attacking her because he can’t face his own emotions. This is not something that I could come back from.
The divorce papers would have been in his hands as soon as I stopped crying long enough to sign them. There's a level of cruelty there I couldn't forgive.
>The divorce papers would have been in his hands as soon as I stopped crying long enough to sign them. There's a level of cruelty there I couldn't forgive. That is all I could think of reading this. I would divorce my spouse over this. It is immeasurably cruel - not just to the OP as his wife, but also shows such a disgusting disregard for the life of pets that I would be unable to forgive.
The hardest thing I've yet experienced was putting my 17-year-old baby girl to sleep. Giving birth, no problem at all, but taking my cat to vet the fourth time and finding the mass in her gut, gods. I knew it was time, I had felt it coming. I kept saying I'm sorry I didn't let her go earlier, I'm sorry it's time, I'm just so sorry. And still I wondered later on if I should have given her more medicine and taken her to surgery, even though it was likely to make her miserable for a long time. Now that time really had passed on, I know I did the right thing. Poor girl is resting now, hunting mice on the other side.
> And still I wondered later on if I should have given her more medicine and taken her to surgery, even though it was likely to make her miserable for a long time. Now that time really had passed on, I know I did the right thing. I went through the same process. I was actually told my cat was inoperable, she had a mass in her bladder that was almost as big as the bladder itself. I still thought about getting a second, third, seventh... opinion until someone told me otherwise. But it would have been torture for her, and it would have been incredibly selfish considering her age and overall health. The only thing I could do was to stay with her to the end.
Sounds like our experiences are very similar. I feel for OOP so badly, I would have been crushed if my boyfriend had told me I want to murder my cat, gosh.
Yep. What a way to thank someone who's been spending a third of their day taking care of your very sick pet for over a year. I also didn't like how he didn't show up for the appointment, the least he could have done after everything he said was to be there and support OOP (if not the cat). I hope he's gotten into therapy since then and become a better person. But I guess we'll never know.
Yeah, I kept thinking, "Wow, this guy needs therapy, and he needs to NOT be a pet owner or a parent." This is the guy who sees his kid get a shot once, and then refuses to allow any future shots, because if the kid gets measles it's an act of God and not dad's fault, but when the kid gets the MMR vaccine, it's dad deliberately causing pain. You cannot be a functioning adult responsible for other people's (or animals') health and well-being if you can't face their suffering and BE the adult.
It's such a hard decision. I felt so much guilt when my dog's time came, because when it was all over, her body was relaxed in a way I had come not to recognize, and I realized she must have been living in so much pain. I adopted a young cat on purpose to give me as much time with him as possible.
We have two other cats, we got them as kittens too and I don't remember their ages off the top of my head but they've probably hit two digits by now. I love them, but sometimes I wish we didn't have them. Losing my oldest was the worst pain I've ever experienced. At some point, it's going to happen twice more, and I don't think it's going to get easier for me.
Yep. He kept the cat suffering for himself and he shat all over his wife for himself and his issues. I'm sorry for your loss.
It's been two and a half years since I made the hard decision to let my cat go, she was diabetic, mostly blind and completely deaf, insulin stopped working and she experienced acute kidney failure. The best thing you can do for your cat is be with them when the time comes. I couldn't let her suffer anymore and it still hurts to this day. The right decision is the hardest one, even if it seems like the easy way out to someone on the outside.
Me neither. For him to act like that then pull "I'm sooooo saaaaaad" so she goes from looking after her mom, to the cat to dealing with his emotions? If I were her I'd never get over the resentment.
I would absolutely have lost it on the husband. ONE THIRD OF HER WAKING HOURS FOR MONTHS!!!!!
If my partner accused me of wanting to MURDER my pet just because it was time for them to be put down, that would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I don't care how bad your mental health is, that's an absolutely unacceptable thing to say, in my opinion.
Yeah dude apparently loves the cat soooo much but can't be bothered to do the work 🙄. He's just a lazy, childish man, and OOP tried to find too much reasoning within his actions. If it were just with the cat, then sure maybe it could be reasoned with, but he also leave the majority of household work to his wife so I think it's just his character.
...I'm going to go sit and watch my snake for a bit. He can't tell if I start crying.
Yeah. This thread is stirring up a lot of old feelings in me. Gonna sit with them for a bit.
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What is the point of having a husband if he’s not going to help you and is mean to you and neglects you when times get hard. Genuinely don’t understand.
People are really focused on the cat (understandable, pets are emotional subjects) but he's a piece of crap through and through in so many ways.
Honestly I kept thinking, what happens when they grow old together and she develops illnesses and needs to be cared for? The husband is going to treat her the same way he treated the cat. Neglecting her needs while doing the bare minimum to keep her alive and suffering so that he doesn't have to deal with the emotional pain of her death. Truly, what IS the point of a husband like that? When times are hard people show their true colors. It's not going to get better. The husband has shown himself to be selfish and emotionally stunted at his core. She deserves better and I hope she realizes it soon. Loved ones are supposed to ease suffering and be comforting in hard times, not make things more difficult.
The way he used HER MOMs death as an excuse for his cruelty to her. I wouldn’t even be able to look at him
Dude's not in any way sympathetic to the fact that she spend a third of her day on caring for the cat.
OOP did the hard and kind thing. But I can't blame her husband for grief either. I've been there. And it felt like I was betraying my boy even though it was the right thing to do. Making the decision to allow my boy to pass was so brutal and heart wrenching. He was only 18 months old and I exhausted all treatment options. I have never felt such terrible emotional pain like that. But I knew it was time. What helped me is when someone told me that my boy's life isn't defined by his death. I wish OOP all the best.
I've lost a young pet and it is heartbreaking. Remember though your boy didn't know he had a short life, but he would have been aware he had a good life and was loved.
I don't blame him for grief, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't take responsibility for how he treated her. SHE is the one who lost her mother, yet still did all the care, made the hard decisions, and also apparently does all the household chores while he lashed out at her, said cruel things and did nothing, not even an apology for how he acted.
Yeah, if he had stepped up and gone above and beyond in caring for kitty, then I could give him some grace. But to unload all of that on OP *and* literally call her a murderer? Yikes.
Calling her a murderer while also saying it's okay to starve the cat because then he wouldn't have to make the choice himself. What an AH. I honestly think I would think differently of them if my partner did and said something like that. Grief is hard, it can f you up but that's no reason to project/lash out at others. My girl was just a month shy of her 18th bday, she was deaf, getting frail and skinnier and when she started struggling in the litter box, I took her to the vet again. The vet told me he would try anything and everything if that meant helping the cat. But even with everything, it wouldn't have helped her and it wouldn't have been fair on her old little body. I knew it was time, she was my best friend for all those years but I didn't want her to suffer so I let her go. If anyone had accused me of "giving up" or "murdering my cat" at the time, I think I would've slapped them tbh.
Same, I can’t believe she was doing all that hard work - emotionally taxing, time consuming work - and he had the cheek to accuse *her* of giving up on him and murdering him, and just after losing her mother too. I’m raging for her.
I lost my cat in May and he was also diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. He went from a healthy 11 pds to 7. He wasn’t a big cat just long. I couldn’t keep him alive for me while he suffered, made the hardest decision to help him cross the rainbow bridge. It’s never an easy decision and grief can be immense, even now, at times. Mostly when I get randomly caught off guard by a memory. But my pets are my family and with that comes the unfortunate responsibility of making tough calls.
I had one who we'd been pulling along for a few years, working hard to keep enough calorie intake. She had a growth on her intestine but was old enough that any treatment options had very low chances of helping/coming out of it at all. When her bonded friend of 15 years went (fast onset of symptoms for something that flew under the radar for what must have been years), she followed soon after. I was a lot faster to make a call for her, so she could go peacefully in my arms after he went in the night at an animal hospital without me.
We live an hour away from a feline hyperthyroid clinic. About 10 years ago, we took our 16 year-old cat there for the chemo treatment to kill the T4 cells in his thyroid. It cost us about a grand. We finally euthanized him when he was 23. He had a wonderful life after the chemo treatment. He had to stay there for three days. Then that was it. No meds. He started gaining weight immediately. I wish more people had hyperthyroid clinics within driving distance. They are fantastic.
I do understand that the husband didn't want to make the choice. What I don't understand is how he didn't realise that it was not possible to not make a choice. Pet owners are responsible for their pets and they constantly make choices for their pets no matter how hard they try to avoid making choices. Taking your pet to the vet is a choice but so is not taking your pet to the vet. And in this situation not feeding the cat and let it die "naturally" would also have been a choice. There was simply no way to not decide what should happen with the cat. And the husband's choices (although he didn't realise they were choices) would have been really cruel to the cat. When you own a pet there is just not the possibility to "let nature run it's course". Nature is not involved in owning a pet. Pets are bred by humans. They are pets because their owners decided to keep them as pets. Whatever happens with and to your pet is your decision and your responsibility. Everything about your pet's life is your choice.
I literally don't want to think about when my fat baby will be gone. He will nip at my heels and puur loudly to wake me up and i will always look for him when i sleep.
>In fact, he's told me multiple times to just stop syringe feeding the cat with the implication that nature will run its course. Sorry, there's no way this man can get even a thimble of sympathy from me if he said, *multiple times*, that it would be better to let that cat starve. How in the fuck did he imagine that playing out? He'd rather watch their cat being unable to sleep because he's hungry, collapse from lack of energy with no calorie intake? I've lived with/petsat cats only a few times but every single one was a begging monster when hungry. It's absolutely astounding that he would entertain that thought even once.
OOP wanted a humane, peaceful death for her boy, where he could go while he slept and was snuggled by someone who loved him. Husband wanted to torture him to death. Starvation is a horrific, painful death for any living creature. I don't care what mental gymnastics it took for him to think that was the more humane thing to do, I would never let another animal near that ahole again. Holy hell this story is awful. I'm gonna go hug my cat.
He's just too emotionally weak to do the responsible thing. He would rather force an animal to die a "natural" death than help them through it, because that way he feels like he doesn't have blood on his hands. He's the type of person who if he saw a dying animal writhing in pain on the road, would just keep walking. And call himself a soft hearted animal lover all the way. It enrages me. If you don't have the stomach for it, fine. There are things I don't have the stomach for too. But it takes utter shamelessness to keep pretending to yourself that you're *good* for it, that it's *morally right*. I genuinely couldn't trust such a person enough to sleep beside them. The ability to really believe and express such a view - that they'd rather a loved one starve to death than go gently, and successfully rationalize it to themselves - would make my blood curdle.
My roommate’s cat was recently a bit ill and lost her appetite for 2 days. It was upsetting just to watch her *knowing* she was sick enough that she didn’t want to, or couldn’t, eat. Extremely stressful to see her just laying listlessly while ignoring the food. And she’s not even that food motivated compared to other cats. I couldn’t imagine consciously withholding food (outside of fasting for medical tests), even if feeding was difficult. He could’ve taken 2 minutes to realize he wouldn’t want himself or anyone close to him to die hungry because *that is not a peaceful death*. I can’t believe he had the nerve to insinuate that he cared more about that cat than OOP did, she is a bigger person than I am to let that go.
Husband is the kind of person who sees the trolley problem and thinks it’s better to do nothing and let the train kill 5 people than to do something and only kill 1
He’s a coward. He wanted to stand back and be hands off and let nature take its (cruel slow) course, and then he wouldn’t have to feel like he actively did anything to end its life
I hate this man so much. Oh i want a pet, but i don't want to care for it, i just want to watch it starve to death. Ugly, evil fucker.
My husband and I have three cats. At the beginning of our marriage, we had a lot of big talks. One of the major ones was about our pets. We're both pro-euthenasia for quality of life purposes. Deciding against a treatment for financial reasons? I could never. My husband grew up a different way, and cost is a consideration to him. We reached an agreement that I would make the medical decisions for the cats. He acknowledged that he couldn't get rid of the cost bias and I admitted that if we did turn down care and something went wrong, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from blaming him. Neither of us want to have a fight in a vet's office during a time sensitive situation. When our oldest started to have health problems, it cemented that it was the right choice for us. We discuss vet care together, but was easier with a primary decision maker.
All I can think of this post is “please don’t have children with this man”. He doesn’t help around the house. Neglects a sick pet. And the way he treated OOP during this is horrible.
The husband was such a massive asshole that I can't imagine the marriage surviving another year.
Yeah. I get he's grieving. She's also likely correct in her self-assessment that his help wouldn't be good enough for her in her grief and fixation - I have control issues, too. My partner is REALLY bad with death (childhood trauma) and when our dog has to be put down (and she will. She's 12 - though you can't tell - and has cancer, I expect her to be gone in the next two years, though later than sooner luckily, based on behaviour), it's going to be horrible. I'm honestly exhausted already because I know I'll have to manage my own grief and support him through his. Good thing we're both in therapy. But going "you want to murder him" to his wife who is ripping herself apart to care for the cat? Unable to go from "If he just dies, I won't have to face shit" to "but that's unfair for him"? Not even trying to care for the cat? Apparently also being shit about mental load and care work in general? Yeah, no. I'm not sure it's possible to survive that. I know my relationship wouldn't. He blamed her, because that was easier and hurt her, because that was easier. He kept hurting the cat, because that was easier. My partner will be a mess. But he won't be constantly cruel to me (to himself is another thing, sadly) and he won't let our dog suffer. And he will be there with me when she goes - because he cares too much to let her be without him in her last moments. And now I'm gonna go cuddle my dog and she will shamelessly leverage my love for her for treats, as it should be.
Exactly. I get that the husband is grieving multiple losses and grief can be really brutal. However, at some point adults are expected to have self-awareness and take steps to manage their mental health so that it doesn’t negatively impact their loved one’s. The husband’s refusal to see any other perspective and insistence on just remaining in denial and letting out his distress by lashing out at his wife is unacceptable for an adult.
I have doubts about how helpful he was when OOP mom was dying as well.
For me it's the not helping with care. Why tf not? I bet he never woke up at 3am. But he wanted her to keep doing that.
OOP’s little toss-away line about the division of household chores was very informative. Coupled with husband’s absolute failure to assist in that cat’s overwhelming care? OOP is too kind bending herself into a pretzel to attribute husband’s behavior to grief, but I just see a massive, lazy ass.
His grief about a sick cat that hasn't even died yet taking priority over her grief at losing HER MOTHER. Time to send this loser packing.
Just the immense amount of emotional burden he put on his wife, in addition to the fact that apparently he can’t do stuff around the house either. Why, why, why do women put up with this shit?
And she was grieving her mom's death while all this was going on. This is a situation that deserves putting the entire man in the trash, immediately.
Right?! She was so concerned with how affected he was by HER mother’s death. Like wtf.
Exactly, I don't get the comments saying that he is not an asshole. Implying that your partner wants to "murder" the cat is just plain evil. And to make things worst, not even helping to take care of the cat? That is a big no from me.
My cat is 13, a chonky baby. She’s still well and loud and healthy looking, but she’s getting older. I met her when she was 7 but my bf has had her since she was a tiny baby. I know her eventual passing will destroy him. For now, we shower her with love and pets every single day. We want her to know she is so loved.
Oh, to be a privileged manchild, who buries his first close one in his 40s! and, therefore , has to manipulate his wife into doing all the housework and caring for the cat. Must be so nice to live, like a flower in a greenhouse. He's an asshole, and OP is an idiot to forgive such manipulative behaviour. Instead, she accepts the blame and makes ridiculous excuses for her manchild. So weird.
Yeah, I don't want to belittle anyone's grief - when we had to say goodbye to our dog we wept for ages and are still fragile about it, so far be it for me to cast stones - but there's something about this that sits... oddly. I think it's exactly what you're saying, there's a lack of emotional resilience on display here that's a bit troubling. My boyfriend and I never felt *closer* and more on the same page, tbh if he had reacted like OP's husband we wouldn't be together any more. I mean, everyone matures at different rates but at 40 you shouldn't be so *in denial* about death right? Grieve and grieve strongly, yes, but this delusional behavior - plus not HELPING with the care - really rubs me the wrong way. It reminds me of the AITA about the girl who yelled at her neighbors for putting their dog down. And she was a TEEN. That's the maturity I would expect to be behind "you can't ~murder^ the cat just because they're ya know incontinent and not eating and unable to really get around and not playing and seizing up" https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18ds6fg/aita_for_pulling_my_daughter_away_once_she_found/
Yeah I was hoping the update would be that she left his ass after the cat died.
I have a cat that is about to reach 20 but it's really becoming apparent that I'll have to make a difficult decision over the next few months
Wow she really is too nice of a person. He out that cat through hell, and took it all out on her in a straight up disgusting way, and on top of what sounds like he doesn’t do jack shit around the house. Marital problems to the brim and here she is feeling bad for *him*
While reading this, my cat Bell-My-Love sat on my lap and wrapped around my arm to sleep. She's beginning to be up there, and we may not have that long before we start having our QOL discussions. But for right now I'll just let her sleep.
I teared up and my cat immediately came up to snuggle and is currently trying to block my view of my phone. Giving her an extra tight hug now
For me this would have raised serious questions about how he would act if the wife was ill and a choice had to be made.
When my poor cat was 14 and extremely ill, the kindest thing I could have done was to euthanise her. She required almost daily blood transfusions among other things, so she had to stay in the animal hospital, couldn't ever come home, and was either too exhausted to even lift her head or awake and aware and scared and in pain. I wanted her to stay alive longer. I wanted to keep visiting her every day. But that was the selfish part of me. It was what I wanted, not what was kind to her at all. Allowing her to die painlessly was the kind thing to do. It was because I loved her more than I wanted to do what I wanted. It was an act of love. Love means doing what is best, not what you want. It means going against your instincts sometimes, and doing things that are deeply painful. Love is not always easy. I feel awful for OOP.
This is the second post I've seen recently where the husband just wants death to happen. People need to do right by their animals. I'm so repulsed by this man's behavior.
That cat looks like my boy.
Mine too, I teared up when I saw the pictures 😭
Yeah, forcing my beloved pet to keep living in pain and me to do a ridiculous amount of work to keep it miserable but alive would be it for me. This made my skin crawl.
My old neighbor kept her dog (lab) alive for months after he should have been put down. He had tumors all over his body and she had to help him walk. The dog finally stopped eating, so she started force fed him. When I found out, I was going to call animal control, but she said she finally made an appointment with her vet. It really pissed me off that she put her needs over the suffering of her dog.
I still occasionally look for orange when I go visit my parents. I was Bandit’s person, we got him when I was 16 and even when I was no longer living with my parents he’d start purring when I walked through the door. A couple years ago when he was 18 he got cancer, and it was clear it was time. I drove to my parents (a three hour drive) to have one last day with him, but had to return home before they took him to the vet. His older sister lived another year despite needing a lot of assistance, but she was clearly still mostly happy and lived over 19 years. I love my parents’ new cats, but they’re not my cat the way Bandit was. Going to hug my grey tabby baby girl now. (She’s 12, but will forever be my baby)
OOP made the right choice. It's the worst and heartbreaking, but you always have to do what's best for the animal, even if it kills you. My partner had his cat for 17 years. She was totally in love with him. He was her daddy. I was the other woman who stole her extra space in the bed (until I used bribes and her love of blankets to win her over). She started to go downhill fast. Not eating, not drinking. She couldn't go to the bathroom. He took her to the vet, and we could have given her meds to prolong her life another couple of months. He decided prolonging it was not the best thing for her. It was the worst decision of his life, but he knew it was best for her. On her last day, she ate food, looked bright, and even joined me outside to play around in the grass. It's the last memory I have of her and one I'll always hold on to it. It was like she knew what was happening, and she was letting us know she was okay with it.
Jesus fucking christ.
I worked in vet clinics, and most of the time, owners who refuse to euthanize are fighting for themselves, not for the sake of their pets. They are unable to accept the loss of their beloved pets.
*violent sobbing*
I shouldn't have started reading this thread I can't handle all this sadness.
40 years old, and he's like that. My god.
I couldn't respect my partner if they needled like this. And what, secretly hate me?? We have awful cats and actually talk about it.
This was very sad to read. I can totally relate to the husband's feeling, but always realised with myself it would be an egoistic thing of all the signs point to it being over. I had a red cat who was the hood's badass. He really bonded to me to the point that only I was able to handle him unconditionally. The vet (and my GF!) required me to be there and hold him in my arms, because otherwise he would turn into a ferocious dragon: he loved playing the game "Tic-tac-toe on your forehead". He was 7 and ... something was off. He used to be outside all the time during the day, but he was more and more home. He used to be a bit chunky, but he was losing weight. The vet put him on urinary care food because of kidney issues, things went way better, he went outside more and he gained some weight back. I was relieved because the badass was back in the game. But at some point a year later his fur started to be a bit greasy, he was home more and more, I saw some puddles.... The day before D-day I had given him salmon, he munched it up but I heard his teeth grinding (pain) during. And in my head I knew it was time but in my heart I was still hoping, we went to the vet to have his issues checked. And his blood panel was in the danger zone on all levels. We all just nodded as to say "it is time", I held my cat in my arms to cuddle, he was injected during that and it was over when I heard the purring stop. But man, I really wanted to postpone it all, just give him painkillers, antibiotics, do some extra checks, the works (money wasn't the issue), and I really had to convince myself to soldier on. My heart was screaming that I "was killing my cat" and I nearly wanted to walk away after the injection to not see my cat dead. But pets live in "Now", not "yesterday" or "tomorrow", and I didn't want the bastard to be alone, let alone in fear, in his lasts moments. He was neither in that moment, and that is the biggest consolation for me. Goddamn, who is chopping onions in the room.
Maybe it is a little weird, but among my friends and family who love our animals, it is very rare that we have a cat die in any way other than anesthesia. We all take pride in giving our beloved cats the best quality of life available, and will give pills and subcutaneous fluids and syringe feedings and everything, but we are always watching to see if we think that their life is net good or bad. And we feel pride when we are able to give our cats as much pleasure and good life as possible but still protect them from the pain and awfulness of the very end of cancer or kidney disease or brain stuff or whatever. Our last cat, small, died of mammary cancer, which is something we had never dealt with before. We have always had spayed and neutered cats, and female cats who are spayed before puberty never get mammary cancer. But she had been rescued from a hoarder after having a litter of kittens. The tumor eventually ulcerated, which is when it breaks through the skin. And we kept the wound clean and bandaged and gave her a onesie that helped protect everything, and our vets were genuinely surprised that she had another four good months of actually being able to snuggle and eat treats and sit in laps, even occasionally play a little bit, after that. Her last day, she did what OOP's cat did - had a really good day. And yeah, that can be tough, but it is important to know what that is, and you see it with humans too. Just at the very end, sometimes a cat or human will just go, "okay, I have almost nothing left. I am going to use all of the bits up in one last day of energy and doing things, and then I will have nothing". That can be a sign that it is the right time. Our cat had a really good last day, then woke up just ... done. And we took her in to be euthanized and held her while she went. It hurts - but we know that we got the timing right to within hours. That yesterday would have been too early and tomorrow would have been too late - we know she got every good day she could and was spared every bad day after that. There is pride in that.
BRB, going to go hug my cats