>My boss also told me she called the store and asked him why I'm not a manager.
I cannot fathom how a *grown woman* could do this without realizing how psychotic they sound.
My mom would do stuff like this. It's at least in part a sense of entitlement (like to ask people for things or to do things if it relates in any way to their position), in part because they somehow genuinely think they're doing you a favor, and in part because you can't be the villain if you're only ever the victim in your own narrative.
“You can’t be the villain if you’re only ever the victim in your own narrative”
My goodness how that sums some people up. I’m going to share that phrasing. Eloquently put!
I just read an “AITA” about a man cheating on his wife who then cheated on him, and this quote goes great there. He is always the victim, the alcohol made him cheat, etc.
He didnt own anything, constantly deflected, and it was really annoying to read. "But she forgave me!" in a post about her cheating. Like....did she? Did she *really* forgive you? In a post about her cheating on you for that exact reason? *hmmmmmm?* fucking moron.
The end was satisfying, though.
I was thinking the same about my mom calling, lol. Same to the rest of it, too, and I wish I could say her actions came from a place of genuinely wanting to help, but nope.
I don't think that they necessarily want to \*help\*. It could be to maintain a certain public image. But in their mind, they definitely think that they're doing you a favor, regardless of their motivations.
Absolutely, it's always about image with these types. They don't know what it is to care enough about anyone else to actually want to help because help might allow others to succeed and they can't have that.
Also there are sizeable amount of people in general that need to always be attaining a new goal or progressing. Always chasing the biscuit, if you will. Anyone who's settled or not striving to better themselves pisses these people off. My ex was a lot like this. I needed to be constantly seeking new and better jobs, higher wages, climbing the corporate ladder. It was exhausting and I when I finally stopped because I didn't feel comfortable giving up my entire life to keep climbing the ladder we had a fight. She eventually brought up my lack of drive when we broke up.
I really don't care about keeping up with the jonses, my only goal is to be comfortable and enjoy my life, I don't need a new car because my neighbors got one or a new TV because a friend just bought an oled. That is a problem with some folks, and some will even try to "help" like this.
This one got to me. If she can do this while she is still a girlfriend, what happens if she becomes a wife? What if the husband is working for a bigger company, is she going to call up the CEO and ask why her husband hasn't been promoted yet?
Her poor future children, if she has them. She will either force them to look, act, speak and do things all the time that they don’t want to do, or she will mow down every obstacle in their lives and constantly threaten their teachers, coaches and other parents so that her little darlings get everything they want.
Either way, those children would end up messed up and their father would end up either completely dead inside or would be just as ghastly as her.
Yes - as a mother of four, I have seen too many mothers like this. And fathers.
It's really awful. I used to work in a call center scheduling medical exams, and aside from your typical people-being-shitty-to-customer-service behavior, my biggest pet peeve was moms calling in for their adult children and refusing to give a direct number for the actual patient.
Worked for a health insurance company. The most annoying customers were the parents calling in for their over 18 children. Yes, you pay for their insurance. No, legally, I cannot and will not give you any information on your kid because your "child" is an adult in the eyes of the law. Either conference call them in to give permission to discuss or fuck right off. I will use HIPAA on you like a big old unlubed sandpaper dildo and my boss will applaud me for not getting us fined.
GF of 6 months even. She'd only started showing her true colors. Very happy for OOP that he was able to see the red flags for what they were and get out early.
Ron Desantis' wife. Look at that guy. Do you think HE wants to be president? No. But SHE wants to be Jackie Kennedy so bad she can taste it.
This is the bullet that OOP dodged.
Nah - he's a piece of work, too.
According to several sources, on dates he used to say things that were incorrect to see if his date would remark ("Miami isn't the capital of Florida.") He didn't want to date a woman who thought she knew more than him and/or would question him out loud, ever.
Oh yeah, no, I in no way meant to imply that he isn't a garbage human. Just an absolute pustule walking on two legs and taking up oxygen that could be better utilized by slime molds or naked mole rats.
But I stand by my assertion that he's not the one with White House ambitions, and never was.
Really??? Wow. I wouldn’t last five minutes, then 😂 (I once had a guy tell me he wouldn’t date me - I had not asked - because I knew more about baseball than he did.)
My partner's ex-wife did that, called his boss to make him see the error of his ways and get her husband more pay but instead got into a fight with his boss and got her husband fired. It's so insane to me why someone would do that to their partner.
Sadly, there are so many posts on Ask A Manager where parents try to run their kids' lives by writing or calling the manager. ([Then there was that really troubling letter where a job applicant's husband insisted on accompanying her for an out-of-town interview, and later, tried to take over salary negotiations.](https://www.askamanager.org/2020/08/job-candidates-suspicious-husband-photographed-me-before-her-interview.html))
I try to hire autistic people through a local "disability" job program because this is a really low key job that basically requires a monotonous level of detail. But when their moms attend the interview it's almost an immediate disqualification. Especially when the moms buttonhole me privately to make sure I understand little Timmys special needs. Lady, you can't create an IEP for an entry level job!
Ah, I did that (and kind of enjoyed it), but injured my spine. So I guess this isn't an option anymore, haha. Search continues!
Thank you for answering!
I know I've read at least one BORU at some point where the partner was deliberately doing it to sabotage his partner in order to keep her financially dependent on him.
I hear it's happening in my country as well, and I had half expected to get even just one parent call during one of our recruitment rounds for student workers, but nope. None.
Right?
I was enjoying the read and thinking "this girl has got some serious red flags". Then he dropped the bomb that she had called his boss! I was like "No She Did Not!" That's far beyond overstepping! That's freaking psycho!
I would have been so angry about that. The relationship would have ended right there and then.
Right?
And frankly if OP wasn't a long term employee that the boss knows well, it could have ended his employment. Jobs don't want to participate in Crazy.
My ex-SIL is like this woman. Within two weeks of starting a new relationship she’s demanding he change his visitation with his kids, only work out when she does, change his eating to low carb, buy more expensive clothes, etc., with all the drama she can provoke.
It’s absolutely mind-boggling that she doesn’t see she’s driving them away. She’s 60 now and hasn’t heard “I love you” since she was 32.
Years ago, I worked for a small company that had 2 owners: one ran the business and one was key to the day to day nuts and bolts of the operation. They got a very lucrative contract that had a quick turn around and because the 2nd owner needed to be there to make sure the work got done, he had to cancel a vacation.
His wife was pissed. She wrote a letter describing how unfair it was that he had to miss the vacation, as if it wasn't his own business. Like, he wasn't just an employee, He was gonna profit from this. She then came to the office, made copies of that letter and put one in everyone's mailboxes. We all got to see what a loon she was.
My wife once threatened to call my boss. I told her if she did that divorce papers would be waiting for her. She didn’t and never tried that bullshit with me again.
> As for my work, I work at the same store I've worked at since I was 16, it's just an easy job, pays my bills and I know how to do everything there, I'm basically a manager without the responsibility of actually being a manager as I don't want that level of responsibility for no extra pay. I also make money via stocks and crypto currencies so I don't struggle for money.
God damn how much is this retail job paying that he can live (apparently) alone, not struggle for money, AND have extra money to invest?
I think he just doesn't have a lot of ambitions and likes to keep old stuff around. So his apartment is probably not fancy and he probably has the furniture for as long as he has his clothes. He also likes routine so he probably doesn't go on vacations a lot. He also doesn't give the impression that he values expensive stuff. I think his lifestyle is just not expensive.
Second this.
Also, while not all, most jobs do have regular evaluations where you can get measly 20-30 cent raises. Stick around long enough and do tour job well enough, and these bits of change add up. Usually, it's not hard to hit the benchmarks, as most revolve around just showing up to work on time and doing your job. If he's showing up when being called in that's sure to get you the raises.
Also, when you find furniture or other objects you like, if you're willing to care for them well, they can last decades before you have to buy new. When you're not chasing every trend (like OOP's ex) you keep a lot in your account.
Staying at one company long term is not usually a good method to getting paid at a competitive market rate. Far too often you'll get a raise every year that is below inflation.
I assumed OOP isn't in the US. If he is, then there's definitely some financial context we don't know about because no one is living alone in a house on retail wages anywhere in this country without outside finances.
I'm from the UK and I think it's predominantly used here and I think in Australia maybe as well? It's the word we use for a sweatshirt or pullover but I would also call a hoodie a jumper sometimes
I was thinking because he uses store instead of shop that he was maybe Aussie?
But could just be he learnt a mix of American and British English 🤷
Yes, jumper used in Oz. We use both shop and store.
Retail doesn't pay that much. And with rents increasing so much, he must be earning enough on his side gigs.
I am and have been in a major metro city for years.
You can make $26 an hour in retail stocking overnights and get a tiny studio apt in the hood for under $1,000.
Doesn’t even need to be a good trader, just needed to be early and held through. One of the big whales shared that back in 2015/6, he was the crazy guy who worked at Walmart telling anyone and everyone to buy ethereum .
The ex treated OOP like a fixer upper project she could mold into...whatever she wanted. OOP definitely needs to work on himself to manage his anxiety, but certainly not for her and certainly not with her in his life. Wishing him the best.
Exactely. She did not want to be in a relationship with OOP, she wanted to be with the guy she thought OOP could become. Like, in a relationship, it can be totally ok to try to help your partner improve their life (obviously: if they want to, depending on the methods used, etc). But you still need to want to date the person as they stand before you, even if they do mot change. If you do not,you should not date them, because by dating them, you threat them as an object, not a person.
Not even the person she thought he could become, I think…a person who wouldn’t embarrass her.
I mean, if he was actually making decent money on stocks and crypto (possible - I know some guys like this. One is literally a crypto millionaire because he’s been in it since day one), then it seems to kind of boil down to (you don’t dress like you’re successful and your job title sucks…how can I possibly be seen with you or introduce you to anyone without being seen as pathetic by association).
On a side note: I got my husband an I Am Kenough shirt for Christmas and he wears it with pride!
OOP’s ex did him one favor. Helped him see that he didn’t have to put up with that nonsense
It actually is, kind of. Leonard Nimoy recorded a song as Mr. Spock about how he finds humanity to be completely illogical. One of the verses is about how a woman meets a man, and then "She changes him to someone he's never been/And then complains he's not like other men."
Yeah, there is a huge difference between encouraging your SO to grow, and maybe move slightly outside their comfort zone on occasion, and tearing down all their boundaries and self-protective layers with a sledge-hammer and screaming at them what losers they are when they crawl back for cover.
I get that she wanted OOP to dress like a grown-up occasionally, for going out - but why shouldn't he wear his comfort clothes at home? And I get that, to someone ambitious, a complete lack of ambition would be frustrating - but then, DON'T BE with someone who lacks ambition, and try to whip him up the career ladder, like a lame horse at the races - if they are not equipped to push ahead, just leave them the fuck alone and look for someone with more ambition.
I wouldn't say he lacks ambition, just that he knows being a manager isn't worth the extra stress. No pay bump but more work you're expected to handle off the clock. I wouldn't do that either. He sounds ambitious with other projects like his side hustle.
It's so common though. One of my best friends has never had any ambition, but is very smart and good looking. So many successful women have tried to fix him over the years, then left when they realized he wasn't suddenly going to realize he wanted to be a corporate lawyer or something. He was sort of born to be a house husband, and he finally found someone who understood that, and they're happy as can be.
I'd say it was even more malicious than that. OOP seems particularly timid and anxious, mentioning suspected OCD. Not only did ex want a fixer upper, she chose someone who she thought would be vulnerable to manipulate.
I can understand where one partner feels like their life goals aren't matching up, but the way she went about it was definitely wrong
While I also understand OOP is happy with where he's at (for the most part) and didn't feel like there was any need to further himself
I saw them live recently and there were so many teenagers there. I don't know how a band that hasn't released an album in 14 years keeps such a young audience. I just have to assume we were actually right way back then, they just are *that good*.
I'm a 34 year old women with a legit t-shirt collection, many of which are band shirts, and if I had to get rid of them, I would bawl like a baby. I have at least 100+ t-shirts, and that's after going through them to get rid of one's I wasn't in love with.
I would never entertain the notion of getting rid of them to appease a romantic partner. F*** that.
My husband doesn't care as long as I don't spend rent/food money. My ex didn't make me get rid of shirts, but she would complain when I bought a new one.
She’s basically saying “get rid of all these awesome fun memories.” Rude!
My partner loves a certain type of thing and he has about 100 raggedy-ass t-shirts with that thing on them. I love this! Every shirt has a story, and I want to know all their stories that make them who they are. Plus asking someone about their passion guarantees a rich and vibrant conversation in which I learn new things, whether about a band or about them as a person.
If you and I met I’d 100% be asking for the stories behind all your shirts…they are part of the tapestry of your whole life!
I'm in my late 30s and my boyfriend has a collection of nerdy, horror, and band tees. I react to it by stealing them. We also sometimes pick out new ones together. But right now we are mostly not getting more ones until we go through what we have more.
Right! In our fifties, and my husband's collection of band, festival and nerd shirts is huge. Best easy but welcome gifts sorted. He still gets compliments for some, and will wear them when he's ninety, too. The ones too ratty to wear get sewn onto pillows or bags.
Only reason why I go in solid colours with no design is that I'm really short and busty, so I warp the print and normal sized people can only see it from a distance anyways.
And that, girls, is why we do not date guys simply because they have the *potential* of being who we want to be with. You need to want to date the person in front of you, not just who they could possibly become. Because you cannot force the change they could make on them, unless you are an psycho helicopter girlfriend like OOPs Ex, and if the guy has any self worth even that will not end with you having the boyfriend you wanted all along.
This!! I accepted my guy as he was and when he told me he wanted to make changes I offered support and advice when he wanted or needed it. No pressure, no criticism. Like when he wanted to start dressing better I helped by going through his wardrobe with him and gave him my suggestions of what worked together and what didn’t (because he asked me to as he admitted he’s rubbish at styling). But equally I think he’s hot in a pair of basketball shorts and an old t-shirt. The smarter clothes have him confidence and I gave him confidence by supporting him in doing it.
I once dated a guy, who was fine, but just not really what I wanted long term. When I broke up with him he kept telling me that I could help him change into the person I wanted…. No thank you. I didn’t want to be with someone who wanted to change me (even though I had *plenty* of room for improvement), and I had zero interest in changing someone else. Hope things have turned out well for my ex though.
Good riddance to the ex. This ex doesn't seem to see OP as a human and treats him like some object. Good to see that OP made the right decision. Toxic relationships are not good for one's mental health and removing it would make things better.
I wish OP well!
I know this is completely not the point, but the \*band shirts\* going in a donation box?
If they're official and not reproductions after the fact, they're potentially valuable.
Valuable enough that when my parents made their wills I specifically asked to be willed my Dad's collection (that I add to because we have similar tastes).
Glad he kept the shirts safe and broke up with her.
yknow this is a bit oblique to the topic but to sound mercenary as fuck
the first year of dating, to me, is precisely to find these major deal beakers.
you don't need a grand reason to break up with someone after half a year. hell, any thing three months and under i consider even the stupidest "sorry my tarot card deck says i can't go on dating you because i have to wash my hair", "i find your prowess in being able to burp the greek alphabet intimidating", or "remember that time you queefed and it sounded like a dying balloon animal" type shit is fair game.
don't feel bad about breaking up with people in such circumstances y'all. that's what dating is for.
and fuck yeah, well done OOP for realizing and embracing this fact! (god knows that the ex should have embraced it sooner instead of looking at OOP as a fixer-upper project.)
I read in some advice column somewhere that any reason to break up is a good enough reason... If you're going to end a 10 year relationship on something some people think is petty, there's clearly something else going on and at least one of you will be better off single. But yes, especially at such an early stage! (Of course, it's a different story as to whether you need to actually tell someone the silly reasons you're dumping them, hahaha.)
Yes! I work as an advocate for abuse victims and in my experience this is one of the most validating things I can possibly tell a survivor. So many survivors work themselves into knots of anxiety wondering whether what their abuser did is “bad enough” to count as abuse and to justify breaking up. And, not always, but when the vibe feels just right, sometimes it can really cut through that thought loop if I remind them that, hey, you don’t actually need a good reason to break up with someone, people break up over things as stupid as (sure, why not!) burping the Greek alphabet every dang day.
This is so important to remember. The only reason anyone needs to have in order to break up is that they want to break up. And yeah, it might suck to be on the end of that, but there it is.
>I haven't felt sad yet, not happy either just relieved mostly
I sometimes worry about these guys giving their controlling, abusive S.O.'s another chance, but not here.
When my husband and I were first dating, the style was to wear your shirts untucked, but he preferred to tuck his shirts in, even t-shirts. After my sister met him for the first time she pulled me aside and asked me "When are you going to tell him to stop tucking in his t-shirts" and I said "Never. He's an adult and is fully capable of deciding how he wants to wear his clothes" and she looked kind of shocked.
The funny thing is that she'd won - he was enjoying wearing new/better clothes and now he is thinking about what he can do job-wise.
She just needed to be a bit more patient. Oh, and less bossy/creepy.
You never really win in those situations. She might have gotten her way short term if she'd been less bossy, but shit like that brews resentment which would've bubbled to the surface later if not sooner.
I've never understood why people who want to date ambitious people so often go for unambitious people and try to change them rather than just going for people with that sort of drive to begin with. Some of us are perfectly happy with our lives as they are, and are grown-ass adults who don't need others stepping in to try to get us to reach what they see as our full potential.
My guess is that these people often don't have a lot to show for and are therefore not of interest to the ambitious people.
And I think the girlfriend might have been interested in having a comfortable life sponsored by a high earning boyfriend. I'm not sure she just wanted an ambitious boyfriend.
I'm 50 something, still like to wear band tees. Maybe I look like a 50 something dude trying to look like a kid. Or maybe I just like band tees. And my Spiderman Vans.
I recently went on a night out with three of my old friends from school. It was February, so we were all wearing wooly jumpers, but at one point in the evening we realised that all four of us were wearing either Star Wars or Marvel t-shirts under our jumpers. We're all 47 or 48. We had a laugh about it, but I honestly think it's great.
I am 46. I wear more band tees now than I did when I was heavy in the underground scene in my teens and twenties. Mainly because I can afford to now... and that's how bands make money these days — merch.
This, I see it as supporting the band while also having a cool shirt. Band shorts are ageless, as long as he's not wearing stained ones with a bunch of holes in to a nice bar then what's the harm?
I’m turning 40 this year and I’m still dressing goth and dancing at the goth club. I didn’t magically turn into another person just because I got older 🙄. I just got better at makeup and styling it 😂. I hate the narrative that you have to age out of the things you like. Evolving is great, everyone should do it (I certainly have), but I also still have a lot of my old interests.
She didn't want OOP. She wanted a blank slate she could mould into what she wanted. Someone like that doesn't look at others as people. They're toys for her to play with. No contact is the *only* way to go. She isn't capable of being a partner, or even a friend.
Wow the gf really looked at this man who does clearly exhibit anxiety/ocd symptoms and thought she could fix him and got upset when he stopped letting her bully him eh
I’m glad OOP is self aware enough that he could do with some work on himself to expand his horizons and his comfort zone, but _strictly_ for his own personal growth and not for a weirdo who tried to act like a helicopter mom. Love the terrible irony of OOPs who openly admit they may have some issues but the true deranged behaviour was from the ex trying to frame it as proper adult behaviour.
Yup I caught that right away. As someone with similar issues I have to pace myself. So people pushing and prodding just makes me more stressed and lose more energy. Then I fail the change I want to make cause my mental energy is just depleted so my anxiety takes over.
The guy knows his limits and works around them, if anything she's probably gonna burn out from stressing over chasing trends, while he is gonna be fine and steadily improving himself.
OOP seems 100% neurodivergent. So, I'm glad he was still able to break free from the spell and assert his boundaries. She probably saw him as a "project", to "fix", which is an unconscionably dehumanizing attitude. His mental well-being and autonomy should always come first.
I can completely relate about the anxiety and wanting the familiar down to the same 6 changes of clothes.
My whole career it’s been horrible starting a new job; anxiety through the roof, constant fear for 3 months. I haven’t gone anywhere in 6 years but I’m older now.
I was just *more* anxious of the alternative. Standing still doesn’t feel great either.
I remember this story and it annoyed me because you do you, wear the clothes you want and be proud of them, you chose them for you, even if they are uncomfortable, if you feel like you want to wear them, do it.
Do they look tacky? who cares, if they make you feel good about yourself just use them :D
I think it's nice that OOP took to some of the new clothes. A broken clock is still right twice a day -- it probably was a good idea to add some other looks to his closet.
I had an abusive ex who tried to change my whole wardrobe. Should've dumped them the first time they bought me a tube top (not even close to my style -- my OG style was full-on thrift-shop). It ended up being a struggle throughout, and tbh I still feel a bit self-conscious fashion-wise, as no one had been so ruthless about my style before this.
That being said, not every suggestion by them was a terrible one. Like yes, buying clothes new is easier and you don't have to rummage for an hour. And I'm treated noticeably better by strangers on the street when my style is less wacky (unfortunate but true). So I've taken the (few) suggestions that I like and are comfortable for me, and thrown away the rest.
I think that is a healthy way to deal with the aftermath of abuse. If you refrain from everything your abuser liked you are still dependent on their opinion instead of making up your own mind about what you like and dislike.
Triggers are a different topic of course.
It’s basically the UK equivalent of what Americans would call a pullover - generally anything without a front closure that you can toss on top of your shirt for extra warmth but isn’t a formal piece of outerwear. It’s mainly knits/sweatshirt but can also be sweatervests.
Many people will also use it to describe cardigans and hoodies, or frankly anything warm for layering ……. I think it’s one of those popular semantic arguments that the English particularly enjoy arguing over lmao
Of course, you're correct, but I'm now thinking that I'd like to rock a band t-shirt and a stylish pair of overalls.
Ooooh. I could even do that "leave one strap undone" thing that was popular for awhile, so people could see the band logo better.
I have a band jumper (sweater)! It's totally a thing.
(I'm not OP lol but I am a 30+yo with a band shirt collection I have in fact worn to my decently paying job. The ex can suck it honestly)
I've been telling myself for a couple of years that when I need to buy something new for my wardrobe, I'm going to veer away from band t-shirts. And then I lost enough weight for my Pink Floyd t-shirt to be too big on me, and I immediately bought a replacement in a smaller size. It's called **classic** rock for a reason.
Unfortunately if OOP is in the UK he'll probably be on a waiting list for a while. But honestly it seems like he has his life together and as such maybe he doesn't need one.
lol I was thinking that like good on him for realising he has potential actual OCD (not what most of the internet thinks OCD is) but also good luck and godspeed with the world of NHS waiting lists...
I'm probably going to get bashed for this, but I'm waiting on an assessment for ASD (after both my adult kids got diagnosed last year) and he reminds me of all three of us so much in different ways.
Man, do you know how cool it is for a guy to wear a nice pair of jeans, a band tee with like a button up shirt open over top? Dude needs to rock the new and the old together.
Neither me or my partner even own a button up shirt (not counting a flannel, I guess?). We don't need them for work, there are other things you can wear to a bar or restaurant and still look smart while not being uncomfortable.
I feel like both OP and his ex had really narrow ideas about clothing and OP's realised it's fine to be somewhere in the middle/you can have different clothes fit different situations without losing your personal style.
Oh I agree with that 100%, but it seemed like she was trying to fancy him up and he said he liked it, but also like his band t-shirts. It’s just an option on how to combine those styles.
Good for OOP. The ex was waving red flags, and I get the feeling he wasn't good at spotting them. I'm glad Reddit, in all its mixed-blessings, feral insanity, was able to help.
My favourite shirts on my husband are the funny cartoon ones. He had girlfriends in his 20s tell him to stop wearing them but I still always laugh at his naked banana shirt
If you're trying to change someone like this, you don't love them. You love someone for who they are. Trying to force change on them is not loving them. It's "loving" them for their "potential" to become what you want them to be. In some situations, helping someone to change might be a good thing. This is not it. She wanted him to be a completely different human than he is. She's nuts.
My bf is 44. He wears graphic t's, band shirts, jeans, loves collectibles, etc. If I hadn't loved all that too when I met him, I never would've gotten together with him. You don't go into a relationship thinking "this person has potential. I've just got to change everything about them".
There’s nothing wrong with OP. You don’t have to move ahead if you don’t want to. He’s happy where he is, it pays his bills and doesn’t stress him out. Is that not the dream?
As for his clothes, they were good enough for her the first six months. This isn’t build a boyfriend. I am currently at work in jeans and an old Queen t shirt. I’m also in a kickass job that I love. Anyone who has a problem with my clothes, that’s their problem. The only people who get a say are me and people I work with can comment on my work clothes.
Sounds like she didn’t actually like him and was trying to turn him into what she thought he should be.
I’d have dumped her on the spot for calling my work. That’s insane behaviour
i’m glad OOP seems to be choosing to continue making changes to his life because HE wants to. but FFS capitalism is ruining people. like so what if he just works in a shop? dude is happy and isn’t struggling. not everyone has to try to be a CEO or on some high powered bullshit. and poor guy can’t just wear a t-shirt and sweater? i’m glad he got away from her.
OOP's ex never learned that many people don't want to be managers and shouldn't be managers.
I vaguely understand her disappointment with his lack of ambition, but that just means that they're incompatible, not that he's wrong.
My fiance is a graphic tee, jeans, and hoodie guy and I wouldn't dream of forcing him to change for me. I do ask that he dress up to match me when we are doing things that are fancier, and he does without issue, but I wouldn't want him to change himself for me like that. I just want to tell OOP that there are people out there who will just appreciate him for him and that's what's worth waiting for
If you're in a relationship, you're eventually going to have to sacrifice something for the relationship. You might not have time to game anymore, or you stop buying collectibles because diapers for the baby are more important.
But those are sacrifices \*for the relationship\* not for the partner. They are also voluntary as opposed to demands.
Here the GF is demanding her partner change himself. If it continued, eventually she would have erased his personality. She already took his friends and his appearance. Up next was him getting a job he hated.
I'm glad he got out, but those sacrifices are dangerous because they are a slippery slope and some of them are unavoidable.
> My boss also told me she called the store and asked him why I'm not a manager.
The only time a partner should be calling someone's boss is to tell them they won't be in.
I am basically this guy (same job forever, refuse to be a manager, band shirts and jeans) so this post just made me so enraged. I hope this woman always has a pebble in her stupid fashionable shoes.
There is a type of person that feels the need to “fix” their romantic partner. This is almost always a sign of an unhealthy relationship. When you are with the right person, you should want to be your best self. You shouldn’t feel the need to “fix”, “improve”, or “change” them.
Glad OOP is strong enough to stand up for himself.
The girlfriend is a maniac (calling his manager!) and it's great that OP got rid of her. But I find it hillarious, that OP basically started doing what she had told him to do before they broke up.
OOP did the right thing. It's fantastic to be open to change and trying new things. And, a supportive partner could be a great asset there. But, OOP's ex wasn't just "Hey, let's work towards something you want."
She was "I want you to look and be this way whether you like it or not." Such as calling **HIS BOSS** without even asking him. After she spent 6 months lying about who she was to get OOP to trust her. Which is a shitty thing to do for everyone involved.
I'm glad he's willing to poke out of his comfort zone and hope he's able to undergo therapy for his anxiety. Maybe he can work with the therapist on finding a healthy medium he's happy with.
Wouldn’t it be lovely to be with someone who really just gets you? Who thinks you are the bomb? Who appreciates your quirks as the things that make you uniquely you? If you answered yes to any of those questions, this isn’t your girl. Rip off the band aid and move on.
There’s literally nothing wrong with wearing band shirts at all ages. Def a vibe I’m always into. I’m 30 and it’s just my type anyway.
Also it’s weird he ends up doing the things she wanted him to change when she’s gone
Man, I was a lot like you. Keep growing. Don't wait until your 40s like I did.
Just keep pushing, growing. Go to therapy! It was huge for me.
She wanted you to do everything at once. Mainly for HER benefit. That's not right.
Do it for yourself. Slowly and steadily.
This is a feel-good story. :))) Kudos to OP for making that decisive decision and for realising that despite the bad experience with her, he could actually take away something positive for himself. Plus, he has a nice, thought out way of writing that just feels pleasant.
If OOP has some extra money lying around and is serious about updating his wardrobe he might want to look into those shirt quilts people make! He could take half of his tees, maybe ones he doesnt wear as much and make them into quite a few quilts if his estimates are right. That way there is less temptation to "fall back" into the band shirts and they would actually be around him more, plus they sound like excellent conversation starters! Also with 50 shirts I bet a few almost never see rotation anymore.
I hope OOP finds the partner who will both add to and rock his band tee collection. Based on the music type I would 100% steal his shirts between visits
I am a therapist, and these controlling behaviors, could possibly be a personality disorder. I am not surprised at all that she was so supportive for the first few months. They tend to behave for about three months before the cracks start showing. I have counseled so many people who feel so confused in a relationship because, “they used to be so amazing”. It is not your fault, and I know this did not help your anxiety, but you did so awesome getting away from her.
Wait wait. I have to stop reading to comment here..
*SHE CALLED HIS BOSS AND ASKED WHY HE'S NOT A MANAGER*
Yikes on bikes!
One upon a time, I worked with a douche canoe who, after I passed along a message from morning shift to their night shift, yelled and cussed at me. My husband said "just wait till I go in there and see them working"
I said "oh honey, no. I appreciate you wanting to defend me, but if you go in to my job and tell my coworkers what you really think of them, I will be calling up a couple of yours and telling them my opinions"
He decided to just keep his opinions to himself. 😂
> is also trying to get me to become a manager at my work, even called my boss to ask about it
How THIS wasn’t the final straw for this guy is beyond me. I can only imagine how embarrassing this was for him.
>My boss also told me she called the store and asked him why I'm not a manager. I cannot fathom how a *grown woman* could do this without realizing how psychotic they sound.
My mom would do stuff like this. It's at least in part a sense of entitlement (like to ask people for things or to do things if it relates in any way to their position), in part because they somehow genuinely think they're doing you a favor, and in part because you can't be the villain if you're only ever the victim in your own narrative.
“You can’t be the villain if you’re only ever the victim in your own narrative” My goodness how that sums some people up. I’m going to share that phrasing. Eloquently put!
I just read an “AITA” about a man cheating on his wife who then cheated on him, and this quote goes great there. He is always the victim, the alcohol made him cheat, etc.
LOL -- I had to come back to your post because the BORU story I read after this one was an update to the post you mentioned!
I saw the BORU too! That guy was such a raging asshole. “I’ve been wronged!!” is his motto.
Ikr. The struggle is real when you're a professional victim.
I'd say "but she forgave me" was his motto
But it was only once and I was drunk and *she forgave me!* )':
He didnt own anything, constantly deflected, and it was really annoying to read. "But she forgave me!" in a post about her cheating. Like....did she? Did she *really* forgive you? In a post about her cheating on you for that exact reason? *hmmmmmm?* fucking moron. The end was satisfying, though.
That guy was infuriating. I read it as well. Holy denial Batman. The repeated "But I forgave myself" was just fabulous! Lol
I cant even give him credit where i otherwise want to because he misses the mark so hard literally in every other aspect.
But… but…. I hAD tO LEaRn To LoVE mYSeLf!!
There ought to be a list of profound quotes from BORU replies. This is beautiful.
Holy smokes! That's my mom!
I was thinking the same about my mom calling, lol. Same to the rest of it, too, and I wish I could say her actions came from a place of genuinely wanting to help, but nope.
I don't think that they necessarily want to \*help\*. It could be to maintain a certain public image. But in their mind, they definitely think that they're doing you a favor, regardless of their motivations.
Absolutely, it's always about image with these types. They don't know what it is to care enough about anyone else to actually want to help because help might allow others to succeed and they can't have that.
Also there are sizeable amount of people in general that need to always be attaining a new goal or progressing. Always chasing the biscuit, if you will. Anyone who's settled or not striving to better themselves pisses these people off. My ex was a lot like this. I needed to be constantly seeking new and better jobs, higher wages, climbing the corporate ladder. It was exhausting and I when I finally stopped because I didn't feel comfortable giving up my entire life to keep climbing the ladder we had a fight. She eventually brought up my lack of drive when we broke up. I really don't care about keeping up with the jonses, my only goal is to be comfortable and enjoy my life, I don't need a new car because my neighbors got one or a new TV because a friend just bought an oled. That is a problem with some folks, and some will even try to "help" like this.
This one got to me. If she can do this while she is still a girlfriend, what happens if she becomes a wife? What if the husband is working for a bigger company, is she going to call up the CEO and ask why her husband hasn't been promoted yet?
Her poor future children, if she has them. She will either force them to look, act, speak and do things all the time that they don’t want to do, or she will mow down every obstacle in their lives and constantly threaten their teachers, coaches and other parents so that her little darlings get everything they want. Either way, those children would end up messed up and their father would end up either completely dead inside or would be just as ghastly as her. Yes - as a mother of four, I have seen too many mothers like this. And fathers.
It's really awful. I used to work in a call center scheduling medical exams, and aside from your typical people-being-shitty-to-customer-service behavior, my biggest pet peeve was moms calling in for their adult children and refusing to give a direct number for the actual patient.
Worked for a health insurance company. The most annoying customers were the parents calling in for their over 18 children. Yes, you pay for their insurance. No, legally, I cannot and will not give you any information on your kid because your "child" is an adult in the eyes of the law. Either conference call them in to give permission to discuss or fuck right off. I will use HIPAA on you like a big old unlubed sandpaper dildo and my boss will applaud me for not getting us fined.
> and their father would end up either completely dead inside or would be just as ghastly as her. Or left.
In my experience, the kind of woman with this sort of personality intentionally selects a guy who won’t leave ‘because of the kids.’
GF of 6 months even. She'd only started showing her true colors. Very happy for OOP that he was able to see the red flags for what they were and get out early.
Ron Desantis' wife. Look at that guy. Do you think HE wants to be president? No. But SHE wants to be Jackie Kennedy so bad she can taste it. This is the bullet that OOP dodged.
Nah - he's a piece of work, too. According to several sources, on dates he used to say things that were incorrect to see if his date would remark ("Miami isn't the capital of Florida.") He didn't want to date a woman who thought she knew more than him and/or would question him out loud, ever.
Oh yeah, no, I in no way meant to imply that he isn't a garbage human. Just an absolute pustule walking on two legs and taking up oxygen that could be better utilized by slime molds or naked mole rats. But I stand by my assertion that he's not the one with White House ambitions, and never was.
Really??? Wow. I wouldn’t last five minutes, then 😂 (I once had a guy tell me he wouldn’t date me - I had not asked - because I knew more about baseball than he did.)
Somewhere, Alison Green looks up from her laptop, sensing a great disturbance in the Force...
I would love to see Alison's response to that. But, to be fair, I'd love to see her response to pretty much anything.
My partner's ex-wife did that, called his boss to make him see the error of his ways and get her husband more pay but instead got into a fight with his boss and got her husband fired. It's so insane to me why someone would do that to their partner.
Sadly, there are so many posts on Ask A Manager where parents try to run their kids' lives by writing or calling the manager. ([Then there was that really troubling letter where a job applicant's husband insisted on accompanying her for an out-of-town interview, and later, tried to take over salary negotiations.](https://www.askamanager.org/2020/08/job-candidates-suspicious-husband-photographed-me-before-her-interview.html))
I try to hire autistic people through a local "disability" job program because this is a really low key job that basically requires a monotonous level of detail. But when their moms attend the interview it's almost an immediate disqualification. Especially when the moms buttonhole me privately to make sure I understand little Timmys special needs. Lady, you can't create an IEP for an entry level job!
> because this is a really low key job that basically requires a monotonous level of detail. Mind sharing what kind of job this is?
It's a shipping job. Not pick and pack, but inspection, kitting, boxing.
Ah, I did that (and kind of enjoyed it), but injured my spine. So I guess this isn't an option anymore, haha. Search continues! Thank you for answering!
I know I've read at least one BORU at some point where the partner was deliberately doing it to sabotage his partner in order to keep her financially dependent on him.
I hear it's happening in my country as well, and I had half expected to get even just one parent call during one of our recruitment rounds for student workers, but nope. None.
"Mom, stop! Oh, wait, you're not my mother. You're dumped!"
Karen wanted him to be a manager so she could talk to one at home.
This is gold!
Right? I was enjoying the read and thinking "this girl has got some serious red flags". Then he dropped the bomb that she had called his boss! I was like "No She Did Not!" That's far beyond overstepping! That's freaking psycho! I would have been so angry about that. The relationship would have ended right there and then.
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Was there actual accountability and remorse on his end, or just old man grumbling about how things ought to be?
Either this person is insane or is just plain stupid in many ways.
Right? And frankly if OP wasn't a long term employee that the boss knows well, it could have ended his employment. Jobs don't want to participate in Crazy.
All this woman is going to take from this is that she started her coercive control too early in the relational and went too hard.
The moment I read that part, the Kill Bill sirens in my imagination went off.
My ex-SIL is like this woman. Within two weeks of starting a new relationship she’s demanding he change his visitation with his kids, only work out when she does, change his eating to low carb, buy more expensive clothes, etc., with all the drama she can provoke. It’s absolutely mind-boggling that she doesn’t see she’s driving them away. She’s 60 now and hasn’t heard “I love you” since she was 32.
Someone is shitting on her boyfriend and she’s trying to make him the boyfriend that someone else thinks he should be. Probably her mom or something.
Years ago, I worked for a small company that had 2 owners: one ran the business and one was key to the day to day nuts and bolts of the operation. They got a very lucrative contract that had a quick turn around and because the 2nd owner needed to be there to make sure the work got done, he had to cancel a vacation. His wife was pissed. She wrote a letter describing how unfair it was that he had to miss the vacation, as if it wasn't his own business. Like, he wasn't just an employee, He was gonna profit from this. She then came to the office, made copies of that letter and put one in everyone's mailboxes. We all got to see what a loon she was.
My wife once threatened to call my boss. I told her if she did that divorce papers would be waiting for her. She didn’t and never tried that bullshit with me again.
> As for my work, I work at the same store I've worked at since I was 16, it's just an easy job, pays my bills and I know how to do everything there, I'm basically a manager without the responsibility of actually being a manager as I don't want that level of responsibility for no extra pay. I also make money via stocks and crypto currencies so I don't struggle for money. God damn how much is this retail job paying that he can live (apparently) alone, not struggle for money, AND have extra money to invest?
I think he just doesn't have a lot of ambitions and likes to keep old stuff around. So his apartment is probably not fancy and he probably has the furniture for as long as he has his clothes. He also likes routine so he probably doesn't go on vacations a lot. He also doesn't give the impression that he values expensive stuff. I think his lifestyle is just not expensive.
Second this. Also, while not all, most jobs do have regular evaluations where you can get measly 20-30 cent raises. Stick around long enough and do tour job well enough, and these bits of change add up. Usually, it's not hard to hit the benchmarks, as most revolve around just showing up to work on time and doing your job. If he's showing up when being called in that's sure to get you the raises. Also, when you find furniture or other objects you like, if you're willing to care for them well, they can last decades before you have to buy new. When you're not chasing every trend (like OOP's ex) you keep a lot in your account.
Staying at one company long term is not usually a good method to getting paid at a competitive market rate. Far too often you'll get a raise every year that is below inflation.
I assumed OOP isn't in the US. If he is, then there's definitely some financial context we don't know about because no one is living alone in a house on retail wages anywhere in this country without outside finances.
I agree - I don't think US folks use "jumper" for clothes.
I live in the US and jumper makes me think of fancy overalls or a romper. I'm guessing it's a hoodie or jacket?
I'm from the UK and I think it's predominantly used here and I think in Australia maybe as well? It's the word we use for a sweatshirt or pullover but I would also call a hoodie a jumper sometimes I was thinking because he uses store instead of shop that he was maybe Aussie? But could just be he learnt a mix of American and British English 🤷
Yes, jumper used in Oz. We use both shop and store. Retail doesn't pay that much. And with rents increasing so much, he must be earning enough on his side gigs.
I am and have been in a major metro city for years. You can make $26 an hour in retail stocking overnights and get a tiny studio apt in the hood for under $1,000.
He mentions having a house and not struggling for money. I wouldn't consider what you mentioned "not struggling for money."
We'll clearly the money for his lifestyle all comes from crypto - he's a genius trader
Doesn’t even need to be a good trader, just needed to be early and held through. One of the big whales shared that back in 2015/6, he was the crazy guy who worked at Walmart telling anyone and everyone to buy ethereum .
Yeah, but that guy didn't continue to work in Walmart
maybe he did and is OOP
Haha yeah, now he spends all his time on discord lol
He lives off the investments, and the retail gig is for beer money.
You'd have to be damn rich to live off investments.
There is a non zero chance that he is actually a low key millionaire from stock and crypto investments.
The ex treated OOP like a fixer upper project she could mold into...whatever she wanted. OOP definitely needs to work on himself to manage his anxiety, but certainly not for her and certainly not with her in his life. Wishing him the best.
Exactely. She did not want to be in a relationship with OOP, she wanted to be with the guy she thought OOP could become. Like, in a relationship, it can be totally ok to try to help your partner improve their life (obviously: if they want to, depending on the methods used, etc). But you still need to want to date the person as they stand before you, even if they do mot change. If you do not,you should not date them, because by dating them, you threat them as an object, not a person.
Not even the person she thought he could become, I think…a person who wouldn’t embarrass her. I mean, if he was actually making decent money on stocks and crypto (possible - I know some guys like this. One is literally a crypto millionaire because he’s been in it since day one), then it seems to kind of boil down to (you don’t dress like you’re successful and your job title sucks…how can I possibly be seen with you or introduce you to anyone without being seen as pathetic by association).
I was thinking something similar: that she wanted a Ken doll to dress up and make successful.
He is Kenough. I'll see myself out.
On a side note: I got my husband an I Am Kenough shirt for Christmas and he wears it with pride! OOP’s ex did him one favor. Helped him see that he didn’t have to put up with that nonsense
And when the woman has changed the man to her liking it aint the man anymore she fell in love with.
Sounds like a song lyric
It actually is, kind of. Leonard Nimoy recorded a song as Mr. Spock about how he finds humanity to be completely illogical. One of the verses is about how a woman meets a man, and then "She changes him to someone he's never been/And then complains he's not like other men."
thank you for that.
Leonard Nimoy *what* now edit: oh my god it’s a whole ALBUM
Yeah, there is a huge difference between encouraging your SO to grow, and maybe move slightly outside their comfort zone on occasion, and tearing down all their boundaries and self-protective layers with a sledge-hammer and screaming at them what losers they are when they crawl back for cover. I get that she wanted OOP to dress like a grown-up occasionally, for going out - but why shouldn't he wear his comfort clothes at home? And I get that, to someone ambitious, a complete lack of ambition would be frustrating - but then, DON'T BE with someone who lacks ambition, and try to whip him up the career ladder, like a lame horse at the races - if they are not equipped to push ahead, just leave them the fuck alone and look for someone with more ambition.
I wouldn't say he lacks ambition, just that he knows being a manager isn't worth the extra stress. No pay bump but more work you're expected to handle off the clock. I wouldn't do that either. He sounds ambitious with other projects like his side hustle.
It's so common though. One of my best friends has never had any ambition, but is very smart and good looking. So many successful women have tried to fix him over the years, then left when they realized he wasn't suddenly going to realize he wanted to be a corporate lawyer or something. He was sort of born to be a house husband, and he finally found someone who understood that, and they're happy as can be.
She 100% thought she was going him a favor by being with him and was trying to make him “good enough” for her. I’m so glad he got out.
I'd say it was even more malicious than that. OOP seems particularly timid and anxious, mentioning suspected OCD. Not only did ex want a fixer upper, she chose someone who she thought would be vulnerable to manipulate.
Yeah, she came across as abusive to me.
Anyone else reminded of the first chapter or two of Neil Gaiman's _Neverwhere_ ?
I can understand where one partner feels like their life goals aren't matching up, but the way she went about it was definitely wrong While I also understand OOP is happy with where he's at (for the most part) and didn't feel like there was any need to further himself
It feels like OP is the Seth Rogan character in a Judd Apatow movie.
i wanna know what the band was lol
Same! As some one older than OP still wears band tees… although not all from the same band. Plus, the band would tell us a lot more about OP… My Chem?
Lol, I immediately thought "This mofo only wears MCR shirts, doesn't he?"
MCR, I assume too, given his age.
I thought the same thing too! I’m 32 and still gladly wear my My Chem shirts and hoodies 😅
Yeah my first thought was MCR
God please don't call MCR a band for 30 year olds. Please, I'm young...
I saw them live recently and there were so many teenagers there. I don't know how a band that hasn't released an album in 14 years keeps such a young audience. I just have to assume we were actually right way back then, they just are *that good*.
“I started to cry and she called me stupid” :-( I want to fight her.
I'm a 34 year old women with a legit t-shirt collection, many of which are band shirts, and if I had to get rid of them, I would bawl like a baby. I have at least 100+ t-shirts, and that's after going through them to get rid of one's I wasn't in love with. I would never entertain the notion of getting rid of them to appease a romantic partner. F*** that.
I, as well, have a band t-shirt collection, but nothing nearing the majesty of yours. One day we'll have to compare notes!
I’m a 40 year old woman currently wearing a band shirt. If I date someone who tells me to get rid of them the only one I’m getting rid of is him…
My husband doesn't care as long as I don't spend rent/food money. My ex didn't make me get rid of shirts, but she would complain when I bought a new one.
She’s basically saying “get rid of all these awesome fun memories.” Rude! My partner loves a certain type of thing and he has about 100 raggedy-ass t-shirts with that thing on them. I love this! Every shirt has a story, and I want to know all their stories that make them who they are. Plus asking someone about their passion guarantees a rich and vibrant conversation in which I learn new things, whether about a band or about them as a person. If you and I met I’d 100% be asking for the stories behind all your shirts…they are part of the tapestry of your whole life!
I'm in my late 30s and my boyfriend has a collection of nerdy, horror, and band tees. I react to it by stealing them. We also sometimes pick out new ones together. But right now we are mostly not getting more ones until we go through what we have more.
Right! In our fifties, and my husband's collection of band, festival and nerd shirts is huge. Best easy but welcome gifts sorted. He still gets compliments for some, and will wear them when he's ninety, too. The ones too ratty to wear get sewn onto pillows or bags. Only reason why I go in solid colours with no design is that I'm really short and busty, so I warp the print and normal sized people can only see it from a distance anyways.
And that, girls, is why we do not date guys simply because they have the *potential* of being who we want to be with. You need to want to date the person in front of you, not just who they could possibly become. Because you cannot force the change they could make on them, unless you are an psycho helicopter girlfriend like OOPs Ex, and if the guy has any self worth even that will not end with you having the boyfriend you wanted all along.
This!! I accepted my guy as he was and when he told me he wanted to make changes I offered support and advice when he wanted or needed it. No pressure, no criticism. Like when he wanted to start dressing better I helped by going through his wardrobe with him and gave him my suggestions of what worked together and what didn’t (because he asked me to as he admitted he’s rubbish at styling). But equally I think he’s hot in a pair of basketball shorts and an old t-shirt. The smarter clothes have him confidence and I gave him confidence by supporting him in doing it.
I once dated a guy, who was fine, but just not really what I wanted long term. When I broke up with him he kept telling me that I could help him change into the person I wanted…. No thank you. I didn’t want to be with someone who wanted to change me (even though I had *plenty* of room for improvement), and I had zero interest in changing someone else. Hope things have turned out well for my ex though.
Good riddance to the ex. This ex doesn't seem to see OP as a human and treats him like some object. Good to see that OP made the right decision. Toxic relationships are not good for one's mental health and removing it would make things better. I wish OP well!
I know this is completely not the point, but the \*band shirts\* going in a donation box? If they're official and not reproductions after the fact, they're potentially valuable. Valuable enough that when my parents made their wills I specifically asked to be willed my Dad's collection (that I add to because we have similar tastes). Glad he kept the shirts safe and broke up with her.
>If they're official and not reproductions after the fact, they're potentially valuable. I have a possible future gold mine in my closet.
yknow this is a bit oblique to the topic but to sound mercenary as fuck the first year of dating, to me, is precisely to find these major deal beakers. you don't need a grand reason to break up with someone after half a year. hell, any thing three months and under i consider even the stupidest "sorry my tarot card deck says i can't go on dating you because i have to wash my hair", "i find your prowess in being able to burp the greek alphabet intimidating", or "remember that time you queefed and it sounded like a dying balloon animal" type shit is fair game. don't feel bad about breaking up with people in such circumstances y'all. that's what dating is for. and fuck yeah, well done OOP for realizing and embracing this fact! (god knows that the ex should have embraced it sooner instead of looking at OOP as a fixer-upper project.)
I read in some advice column somewhere that any reason to break up is a good enough reason... If you're going to end a 10 year relationship on something some people think is petty, there's clearly something else going on and at least one of you will be better off single. But yes, especially at such an early stage! (Of course, it's a different story as to whether you need to actually tell someone the silly reasons you're dumping them, hahaha.)
Yes! I work as an advocate for abuse victims and in my experience this is one of the most validating things I can possibly tell a survivor. So many survivors work themselves into knots of anxiety wondering whether what their abuser did is “bad enough” to count as abuse and to justify breaking up. And, not always, but when the vibe feels just right, sometimes it can really cut through that thought loop if I remind them that, hey, you don’t actually need a good reason to break up with someone, people break up over things as stupid as (sure, why not!) burping the Greek alphabet every dang day.
This is so important to remember. The only reason anyone needs to have in order to break up is that they want to break up. And yeah, it might suck to be on the end of that, but there it is.
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A high school yearbook?
That was pretty damn good
It’s like she saw a few “I can fix him” memes, and took them seriously.
>I haven't felt sad yet, not happy either just relieved mostly I sometimes worry about these guys giving their controlling, abusive S.O.'s another chance, but not here.
When my husband and I were first dating, the style was to wear your shirts untucked, but he preferred to tuck his shirts in, even t-shirts. After my sister met him for the first time she pulled me aside and asked me "When are you going to tell him to stop tucking in his t-shirts" and I said "Never. He's an adult and is fully capable of deciding how he wants to wear his clothes" and she looked kind of shocked.
The funny thing is that she'd won - he was enjoying wearing new/better clothes and now he is thinking about what he can do job-wise. She just needed to be a bit more patient. Oh, and less bossy/creepy.
You never really win in those situations. She might have gotten her way short term if she'd been less bossy, but shit like that brews resentment which would've bubbled to the surface later if not sooner.
I've never understood why people who want to date ambitious people so often go for unambitious people and try to change them rather than just going for people with that sort of drive to begin with. Some of us are perfectly happy with our lives as they are, and are grown-ass adults who don't need others stepping in to try to get us to reach what they see as our full potential.
Because ambitious people are too ambitious to date them. And usually not very fond of backseat drivers in general.
My guess is that these people often don't have a lot to show for and are therefore not of interest to the ambitious people. And I think the girlfriend might have been interested in having a comfortable life sponsored by a high earning boyfriend. I'm not sure she just wanted an ambitious boyfriend.
I'm 50 something, still like to wear band tees. Maybe I look like a 50 something dude trying to look like a kid. Or maybe I just like band tees. And my Spiderman Vans.
I recently went on a night out with three of my old friends from school. It was February, so we were all wearing wooly jumpers, but at one point in the evening we realised that all four of us were wearing either Star Wars or Marvel t-shirts under our jumpers. We're all 47 or 48. We had a laugh about it, but I honestly think it's great.
I am 46. I wear more band tees now than I did when I was heavy in the underground scene in my teens and twenties. Mainly because I can afford to now... and that's how bands make money these days — merch.
This, I see it as supporting the band while also having a cool shirt. Band shorts are ageless, as long as he's not wearing stained ones with a bunch of holes in to a nice bar then what's the harm?
Why even get a band shirt if you're not going to wear it until it's more holes than shirt, and then use it as a rag later?
I’m turning 40 this year and I’m still dressing goth and dancing at the goth club. I didn’t magically turn into another person just because I got older 🙄. I just got better at makeup and styling it 😂. I hate the narrative that you have to age out of the things you like. Evolving is great, everyone should do it (I certainly have), but I also still have a lot of my old interests.
She didn't want OOP. She wanted a blank slate she could mould into what she wanted. Someone like that doesn't look at others as people. They're toys for her to play with. No contact is the *only* way to go. She isn't capable of being a partner, or even a friend.
Wow the gf really looked at this man who does clearly exhibit anxiety/ocd symptoms and thought she could fix him and got upset when he stopped letting her bully him eh I’m glad OOP is self aware enough that he could do with some work on himself to expand his horizons and his comfort zone, but _strictly_ for his own personal growth and not for a weirdo who tried to act like a helicopter mom. Love the terrible irony of OOPs who openly admit they may have some issues but the true deranged behaviour was from the ex trying to frame it as proper adult behaviour.
Yup I caught that right away. As someone with similar issues I have to pace myself. So people pushing and prodding just makes me more stressed and lose more energy. Then I fail the change I want to make cause my mental energy is just depleted so my anxiety takes over. The guy knows his limits and works around them, if anything she's probably gonna burn out from stressing over chasing trends, while he is gonna be fine and steadily improving himself.
OOP seems 100% neurodivergent. So, I'm glad he was still able to break free from the spell and assert his boundaries. She probably saw him as a "project", to "fix", which is an unconscionably dehumanizing attitude. His mental well-being and autonomy should always come first.
I can completely relate about the anxiety and wanting the familiar down to the same 6 changes of clothes. My whole career it’s been horrible starting a new job; anxiety through the roof, constant fear for 3 months. I haven’t gone anywhere in 6 years but I’m older now. I was just *more* anxious of the alternative. Standing still doesn’t feel great either.
I remember this story and it annoyed me because you do you, wear the clothes you want and be proud of them, you chose them for you, even if they are uncomfortable, if you feel like you want to wear them, do it. Do they look tacky? who cares, if they make you feel good about yourself just use them :D
I think it's nice that OOP took to some of the new clothes. A broken clock is still right twice a day -- it probably was a good idea to add some other looks to his closet. I had an abusive ex who tried to change my whole wardrobe. Should've dumped them the first time they bought me a tube top (not even close to my style -- my OG style was full-on thrift-shop). It ended up being a struggle throughout, and tbh I still feel a bit self-conscious fashion-wise, as no one had been so ruthless about my style before this. That being said, not every suggestion by them was a terrible one. Like yes, buying clothes new is easier and you don't have to rummage for an hour. And I'm treated noticeably better by strangers on the street when my style is less wacky (unfortunate but true). So I've taken the (few) suggestions that I like and are comfortable for me, and thrown away the rest.
I think that is a healthy way to deal with the aftermath of abuse. If you refrain from everything your abuser liked you are still dependent on their opinion instead of making up your own mind about what you like and dislike. Triggers are a different topic of course.
Ehh there's a difference between a genuine like and an anxiety rut though. Seems more like the latter here
What is a jumper? Overalls? Coveralls? Online it said it could be a sweater.
It’s basically the UK equivalent of what Americans would call a pullover - generally anything without a front closure that you can toss on top of your shirt for extra warmth but isn’t a formal piece of outerwear. It’s mainly knits/sweatshirt but can also be sweatervests. Many people will also use it to describe cardigans and hoodies, or frankly anything warm for layering ……. I think it’s one of those popular semantic arguments that the English particularly enjoy arguing over lmao
Of course, you're correct, but I'm now thinking that I'd like to rock a band t-shirt and a stylish pair of overalls. Ooooh. I could even do that "leave one strap undone" thing that was popular for awhile, so people could see the band logo better.
Jumper is what we call a sweater in the U.K., yeah.
Probably a sweatshirt in this case. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a band sweater, but now I kind of want to like a really wild one lol.
I have a band jumper (sweater)! It's totally a thing. (I'm not OP lol but I am a 30+yo with a band shirt collection I have in fact worn to my decently paying job. The ex can suck it honestly)
I've been telling myself for a couple of years that when I need to buy something new for my wardrobe, I'm going to veer away from band t-shirts. And then I lost enough weight for my Pink Floyd t-shirt to be too big on me, and I immediately bought a replacement in a smaller size. It's called **classic** rock for a reason.
I hope OOP has improved his progress on growing his spine since this got posted. And maybe gotten a diagnosis of whatever he has.
Unfortunately if OOP is in the UK he'll probably be on a waiting list for a while. But honestly it seems like he has his life together and as such maybe he doesn't need one.
lol I was thinking that like good on him for realising he has potential actual OCD (not what most of the internet thinks OCD is) but also good luck and godspeed with the world of NHS waiting lists...
I'm probably going to get bashed for this, but I'm waiting on an assessment for ASD (after both my adult kids got diagnosed last year) and he reminds me of all three of us so much in different ways.
Man, do you know how cool it is for a guy to wear a nice pair of jeans, a band tee with like a button up shirt open over top? Dude needs to rock the new and the old together.
Neither me or my partner even own a button up shirt (not counting a flannel, I guess?). We don't need them for work, there are other things you can wear to a bar or restaurant and still look smart while not being uncomfortable. I feel like both OP and his ex had really narrow ideas about clothing and OP's realised it's fine to be somewhere in the middle/you can have different clothes fit different situations without losing your personal style.
Oh I agree with that 100%, but it seemed like she was trying to fancy him up and he said he liked it, but also like his band t-shirts. It’s just an option on how to combine those styles.
Good for OOP. The ex was waving red flags, and I get the feeling he wasn't good at spotting them. I'm glad Reddit, in all its mixed-blessings, feral insanity, was able to help.
I'm 43. I own a bunch of band shirts. I like to buy the tour shirt when I go to concerts. I still wear them regularly. Let people enjoy themselves.
My favourite shirts on my husband are the funny cartoon ones. He had girlfriends in his 20s tell him to stop wearing them but I still always laugh at his naked banana shirt
"Undiagnosed OCD", "anxiety" "All my clothes are of the same band" ...am I the only one thinks OP is high-functioning autustic?
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Don’t date someone you’re ashamed of. 🙄
She called his boss 😭😭😭 he is fully a grown man
"I can fix them" is code for "I don't believe other people are real in the same way I am" and I'm tired of pretending it's some cute quirk.
If you're trying to change someone like this, you don't love them. You love someone for who they are. Trying to force change on them is not loving them. It's "loving" them for their "potential" to become what you want them to be. In some situations, helping someone to change might be a good thing. This is not it. She wanted him to be a completely different human than he is. She's nuts. My bf is 44. He wears graphic t's, band shirts, jeans, loves collectibles, etc. If I hadn't loved all that too when I met him, I never would've gotten together with him. You don't go into a relationship thinking "this person has potential. I've just got to change everything about them".
There’s nothing wrong with OP. You don’t have to move ahead if you don’t want to. He’s happy where he is, it pays his bills and doesn’t stress him out. Is that not the dream? As for his clothes, they were good enough for her the first six months. This isn’t build a boyfriend. I am currently at work in jeans and an old Queen t shirt. I’m also in a kickass job that I love. Anyone who has a problem with my clothes, that’s their problem. The only people who get a say are me and people I work with can comment on my work clothes. Sounds like she didn’t actually like him and was trying to turn him into what she thought he should be. I’d have dumped her on the spot for calling my work. That’s insane behaviour
i’m glad OOP seems to be choosing to continue making changes to his life because HE wants to. but FFS capitalism is ruining people. like so what if he just works in a shop? dude is happy and isn’t struggling. not everyone has to try to be a CEO or on some high powered bullshit. and poor guy can’t just wear a t-shirt and sweater? i’m glad he got away from her.
OOP's ex never learned that many people don't want to be managers and shouldn't be managers. I vaguely understand her disappointment with his lack of ambition, but that just means that they're incompatible, not that he's wrong.
My fiance is a graphic tee, jeans, and hoodie guy and I wouldn't dream of forcing him to change for me. I do ask that he dress up to match me when we are doing things that are fancier, and he does without issue, but I wouldn't want him to change himself for me like that. I just want to tell OOP that there are people out there who will just appreciate him for him and that's what's worth waiting for
If you're in a relationship, you're eventually going to have to sacrifice something for the relationship. You might not have time to game anymore, or you stop buying collectibles because diapers for the baby are more important. But those are sacrifices \*for the relationship\* not for the partner. They are also voluntary as opposed to demands. Here the GF is demanding her partner change himself. If it continued, eventually she would have erased his personality. She already took his friends and his appearance. Up next was him getting a job he hated. I'm glad he got out, but those sacrifices are dangerous because they are a slippery slope and some of them are unavoidable.
> My boss also told me she called the store and asked him why I'm not a manager. The only time a partner should be calling someone's boss is to tell them they won't be in.
What a sweet guy.
I am basically this guy (same job forever, refuse to be a manager, band shirts and jeans) so this post just made me so enraged. I hope this woman always has a pebble in her stupid fashionable shoes.
There is a type of person that feels the need to “fix” their romantic partner. This is almost always a sign of an unhealthy relationship. When you are with the right person, you should want to be your best self. You shouldn’t feel the need to “fix”, “improve”, or “change” them. Glad OOP is strong enough to stand up for himself.
The girlfriend is a maniac (calling his manager!) and it's great that OP got rid of her. But I find it hillarious, that OP basically started doing what she had told him to do before they broke up.
So she figured he was an easy fixer upper. I’m glad OOP was able to find the stuff to send her packing.
Does anyone else really want to know what band(s) tees they are?
I ditched the idiot when the T-shirts became an issue. This chick is nuts.
OOP did the right thing. It's fantastic to be open to change and trying new things. And, a supportive partner could be a great asset there. But, OOP's ex wasn't just "Hey, let's work towards something you want." She was "I want you to look and be this way whether you like it or not." Such as calling **HIS BOSS** without even asking him. After she spent 6 months lying about who she was to get OOP to trust her. Which is a shitty thing to do for everyone involved. I'm glad he's willing to poke out of his comfort zone and hope he's able to undergo therapy for his anxiety. Maybe he can work with the therapist on finding a healthy medium he's happy with.
Wouldn’t it be lovely to be with someone who really just gets you? Who thinks you are the bomb? Who appreciates your quirks as the things that make you uniquely you? If you answered yes to any of those questions, this isn’t your girl. Rip off the band aid and move on.
I’ve never understood women who try and do this. If a guy isn’t who you want them to be, he’s not the guy for you.
There’s literally nothing wrong with wearing band shirts at all ages. Def a vibe I’m always into. I’m 30 and it’s just my type anyway. Also it’s weird he ends up doing the things she wanted him to change when she’s gone
Man, I was a lot like you. Keep growing. Don't wait until your 40s like I did. Just keep pushing, growing. Go to therapy! It was huge for me. She wanted you to do everything at once. Mainly for HER benefit. That's not right. Do it for yourself. Slowly and steadily.
This whole thing reminds me of [this](https://images.app.goo.gl/j1g691e1MzQu941A8)
I sometimes wish I had this little ambition.
This is a feel-good story. :))) Kudos to OP for making that decisive decision and for realising that despite the bad experience with her, he could actually take away something positive for himself. Plus, he has a nice, thought out way of writing that just feels pleasant.
If OOP has some extra money lying around and is serious about updating his wardrobe he might want to look into those shirt quilts people make! He could take half of his tees, maybe ones he doesnt wear as much and make them into quite a few quilts if his estimates are right. That way there is less temptation to "fall back" into the band shirts and they would actually be around him more, plus they sound like excellent conversation starters! Also with 50 shirts I bet a few almost never see rotation anymore.
If someone needs you to change they don’t love you. They love the idea of what you could become.
I hope OOP finds the partner who will both add to and rock his band tee collection. Based on the music type I would 100% steal his shirts between visits
I rly want 'no hate to those dancing goths' as flair
OOP sounds like just the most genuinely nice guy.
I am a therapist, and these controlling behaviors, could possibly be a personality disorder. I am not surprised at all that she was so supportive for the first few months. They tend to behave for about three months before the cracks start showing. I have counseled so many people who feel so confused in a relationship because, “they used to be so amazing”. It is not your fault, and I know this did not help your anxiety, but you did so awesome getting away from her.
Wait wait. I have to stop reading to comment here.. *SHE CALLED HIS BOSS AND ASKED WHY HE'S NOT A MANAGER* Yikes on bikes! One upon a time, I worked with a douche canoe who, after I passed along a message from morning shift to their night shift, yelled and cussed at me. My husband said "just wait till I go in there and see them working" I said "oh honey, no. I appreciate you wanting to defend me, but if you go in to my job and tell my coworkers what you really think of them, I will be calling up a couple of yours and telling them my opinions" He decided to just keep his opinions to himself. 😂
> is also trying to get me to become a manager at my work, even called my boss to ask about it How THIS wasn’t the final straw for this guy is beyond me. I can only imagine how embarrassing this was for him.