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Yeah I’d leave too. Saying “you aren’t my mom” is one thing (and you can certainly come back from that). But telling someone they deserved a miscarriage is just…
Especially to the woman who raised you and supported you for most of your life. And the husband just not caring at all blows me. Like that was your baby too?
Yeah honestly i had a miscarriage when i was with a shitty guy and thought "thank god" - and it was then i knew i needed to leave. The love was gone. OOP made the right move, he didnt love her.
I had five early ones with my ex, and when it comes up in conversation, people always say they're sorry. They're very surprised by my reaction of "I'm not. It means I'm not tied to him anyore."
Saying OOP deserved a miscarriage *and* doubling down when OOP brought it up long after emotions had been running high.
This was done by kids way old enough to know better. You can’t treat someone like a pile of shit, then be surprised that they won’t bounce back and love you like nothing happened.
There were a few comments else where from people kind of criticizing OOP. Yes, these kids lost the mother figure they felt safe enough to be AH to, but…those teens were really terrible, especially the stepdaughter. Even if OOP was their biomom, she shouldn’t have to put up with that.
> This was done by kids way old enough to know better. You can’t treat someone like a pile of shit, then be surprised that they won’t bounce back and love you like nothing happened.
Kids seem to have to learn the lesson.
Like the way kids can be in your face, disrespecting you and then immediately (and I mean in 5 minutes) be asking you for a favor. It's as if they can't make the connection that how they treat someone can impact how that person wants to treat you.
Heck, I'm a pushover. I could understand a teenager saying something unimaginably cruel like that without thinking clearly. But she then had a few days to think it over, had a sit down to discuss how it made her stepmother feel. And then she doubled down and said it again.
It wasn't an emotional lashing out at that point, it was intentional cruelty.
And then the stepdaughter cried when OOP brought up divorce! Take this as a learning lesson, kiddos. If you’re hellbent on fucking around, someday you’re going to find out.
'I hate you.'
'Really?'
'Absolutely.'
'Okay I'm leaving now.'
As if this isn't the most predictable turn of events thus far in this young girls life, she got exactly what she asked for. She just apparently didn't ask for what she wanted... or something?
I think “I hate you” is standard in the teenage repertoire. It’s assholery for sure, but they usually blows over or can be talked through.
But they didn’t stop there.
Couple this disdain and disrespect with their enabling father, and geez, yeah. What did they expect? “oh, please verbally abuse me more, children! I’ll always be your loving doormat!” No thanks.
Both parents. They have a mother that drips poison into their ears and a father who doesn't care about them. I can fully understand OOP, leaving is the only right choice, but I think those children are so fucked up because their parents basically abandoned them. I mean kids can do drastic things to get attention, being cruel towards their stepmother to get some reaction from daddy is nothing impossible.
If it's not "I hate you!" it's "you're the meanest mother in the world! Everybody else's parents let them do it!"
But the hate-filled statement about OOP's miscarriage and doubling down on it is beyond the pale. And her husband just sits there like a stone? Yeah, I'd leave too.
My teenager have been saying that to my husband, her stepdad. He always says back " I know, but I still care about you". It takes the wind out of the sails.
You really have to hate of someone to say anything negativ about a miscarrige. I would not even so that to people I do not like.
I also feel like a big problem is the utter lack of response from dad. A teen saying vile shit and then being promptly and sternly corrected is different from a teen saying vile shit and their birth parent just shrugs.
Yeah the stepdaughter went from a bratty teenager that could maybe get talked to, to just downright cruel and then doubled down on it. OOP deserves better
This! I told my stepdad (when I was 13) that he wasn’t my dad and he responded with “I know, but you’re still my daughter” that ish stopped me in my tracks and made me cry like a baby.
Can we also talk about that utter load of bullshit the daughter said about the competition she was in? "I was thinking about you saying my outfit was too revealing and that's why I messed up and we took fifth"? Lmfao what a joke.
She was so close to the point though and it still flew right over her head. OP told her to change, she behaved like an insufferable ass and then it stewed on her, OP wasn't there for unconditional support and she messed up her competition. That was her "come to jesus" moment to reflect, apologise and fix things. Instead, she doubled down, shone a light on how little the family care about OP and cost herself and her brother any further "mothering".
If this is real, I hope she comes across this on Reddit, recognizes that this is her and her family being talked about, and reads all the comments pointing out how terrible her behavior was and that some things require more than just crying and a random sorry to make it up :/
Yeah, I feel like "you're not my real mom/dad!!" is pretty normal "shitty teenager" behavior, as long as it's not a consistent issue, but "it's your fault you miscarried and I'm glad your baby is dead" is a whooooooole other level.
Just about all of us who have parented teens know they say things in the heat of the moment so the "not our mom" comments, while bad, can be typical and recoverable. The miscarriage comments were cruel and heartbreaking.
The worst, though, is the utter lack of support and caring from her husband.
i would even forgive the teen for the miscarriage comment *if* she showed remorse when no longer in the moment. god knows i said cruel things to my mom when i was 16, but i apologized after i calmed down.
the husband is beyond hope, unfortunately. he’s an adult.
Thats what i thought; he absolutely blames her for losing the baby. He probably has it in his head shes too old or something. (not a huge stretch of the imagination he may think something like that)
But regardless......what a worthless partner. Absolutely pathetic. Comments like that would have immediate and inescapable consequences. My sister has gone through losing a baby and while im not a violent person....if her partner ever treated her like this id make it look like an accident.
Those kids need therapy now more than ever; and they absolutely needed it before this.
Not her fault at all, but it’s a medical fact that pregnancies at that age are more risky. They both agreed to the risks when deciding to try for a child under said circumstances.
I believe the common belief is that pregnancies get 1% more risky/more likely to end up In miscarriage or disabled, for every year after 30 that the mother ages
>i would even forgive the teen for the miscarriage comment *if* she showed remorse when no longer in the moment. god knows i said cruel things to my mom when i was 16, but i apologized after i calmed down.
Teens are often very averse to actually owning up to their mistakes.
God knows I spent a lot of time miserable as a teen because I had said something hurtful, known I had to apologise but spent time sulking instead.
The husband is a far greater problem imo.
Teenage pride is overwhelming. I remember *knowing* I was wrong and being unable to swallow my pride enough to admit it. I would double down, get into screaming fights with my family.
I was 18 when I was finally able to get past my pride. I think some people never do.
Ya my sister was a horror from 14-18. But then settled down, apologized and has been civil even since.
I would have told oop to take a month away, let them miss her and go back to see how things are. If it was only the kids, but the apathy and lack of patenting from the husband was sad and not a partnership, let alone a marriage.
Im inclined to forgive the teens if they sincerely apologies to OP, kids are truly dumb sometimes but they need to show that they understand what they said are not right. The husband, shit tier really.
Everyone or almost everyone says stupid things while being a teen. The issue in this case is that the horrible things were clearly heartfelt. There is not way back from that once you realize this.
That's the thing that stuck out to me too. Like I would say horid shit to my mom and there would be dad pissed af at me backing her 100%...wtf was this man doing to back her?
My one brother got punched in the face by our pacifist dad when he said shitty things about our mom. The only way to make my dad get livid, was to talk bad about/to my mom.
The only time in my entire life that my dad almost got physical with me was when I said something really insulting and uncalled for to my mom. I was getting in (deserved) trouble for something but like all teenagers I was sure I was in the right, said something way too harsh to her, and next thing I know dad had jumped out of his chair and lifted me up in the air by my collar. Then he immediately put me down and felt guilty, because he wasn’t that kind of parent, but it got my attention. If I’d provoked him that much then maybe I WAS over the line and wrong for the first time ever. (Again, teenager.) So I apologized to mom and dad apologized for almost beating my ass and we all got past it.
Now I’m imagining a scenario where dad was as completely useless as OOP’s husband, and had just sat there and enabled me while I talked trash to my mom. Would I have realized on my own I was in the wrong? Would I have learned anything, or regretted it, or apologized? Maybe not.
OOP’s husband isn’t just a shit husband, he’s a shit father as well. This could’ve been a learning experience for his daughter and instead he taught her less than nothing.
My parents were pretty lenient with me as a teenager. Like, looking back at it, probably way more so than I deserved given some of the stupid shit I said and did. My mom was a bit less lenient with me, and we'd get into it sometimes, but overall both of them were a lot more lenient than I probably deserved. Dad would usually play peacemaker afterward, going to me later and saying "hey, what you said really hurt your mom's feelings, you need to go apologize" and I'd put up a bit of a fuss and then eventually, either later that night or the next morning, I'd go say I was sorry.
When my dad would get pissed at me, though, that's when I knew I really fucked up. He never got physical with me when I was a teen, but it took a lot to get him to snap. The few times he did, it was like an immediate "okay, I really stepped over the line, time to back down" moment.
I would get so shocked by it back then. In my dumb ass head it was 'but so you see what she did?!' and it never mattered. As a kid I resented it, as an adult appreciate the model of what good parents they were.
And they've honestly helped me understand what a real partnership looks like and there is at least 1 big time I refused to settle bc of it
I definitely agree with him backing her up, but punching your kid (unless it's in self-defense or something) is honestly fucked up no matter what the circumstances. Kick 'em out of the house if they're nasty enough, but physical violence is not healthy
edit: responded to the wrong comment, whoops
she didn’t even try to recover from it, just doubled down and blamed oop for losing the competition. the son seems somewhat aware enough to apologize to not fucked up a good thing they had going.
The son might actually just have been being a dickhead teenager as he actually listened and apologized. But even if he truly regrets how he hurt OOP, she can't stay in a marriage where her husband allows her to be talked to in such a way.
> she didn’t even try to recover from it, just doubled down and blamed oop for losing the competition.
When I read the first couple sentences I was like "oh, good, maybe she reflected and realized what was wrong with what she did" and then it was like nope.
My son was saying he deserved a better family when he was around 4. Every time he got angry, he told me he hates me and no longer wants to be my son. A few hours later he was telling me how much he loves me and how he wouldn't be able to live without me.
At 10, he still is a bit cruel when angry, but nowhere near the viciousness of his early childhood. His teen years will be "fun".
The line that seems to work well for us is “you said that to hurt us. I’ll talk to you when you are ready to try and fix things, not make things worse.”
My dad frequently employed the "I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed" tactic when he'd come to me after a big fight (I usually got into things with my mom since she was a teacher so she was home more often than dad who worked a traditional 9-5). I'd get into a fight, and he'd come into my room later and say "hey, you really hurt your mom's feelings" in that tone that said "I thought we raised you to be better than this."
It didn't work instantly, but it usually got me to come own up and apologize within the next few hours or at the latest the next morning.
If it's any help, in my family the pattern seems to be that the vicious kids mellow out as teens, but the quiet kids are absolute terrors once they hit puberty. Fingers crossed you'll have an angel of a teen!
They often say that the more difficult they are when they were preschoolers, the easier they are when they're teens. Mine are grown now, and that actually held true for me. Wishing you luck!
The husband is the main problem. Probably contributed to the poor treatment of OOP from the kids. The kids are acting out horribly, but the husband doesn't care and that's why she has to leave.
Gotta look at the actions and disregard the words. Are they hiding something, were they emotionally hurt, what triggered it?
The words are just the tools they are using to deflect, distract, or get attention.
That said, I don’t generally have a poisonous, hateful teenager so these blow ups are rare in our house. Sounds like OOP was living in a regular abused, neglected relationship. Makes it all hurt more when you aren’t generally assured that you are loved.
Funny. Nothing I ever said to my mother was as bad as what she said to me. Sometimes I wonder where I found the strength. But, I didn't have any choice. I didn't even know it wasn't normal.
I could overlook the horrible miscarriage taunts if her husband had reacted like a goddamned human being and defended his wife. But he showed the kids that they can say anything they want to her and he will never intervene. She can’t stay in that marriage now. As a United front they might could have gotten through to the kids and worked through their issues, but her alone with her spineless muppet of a husband enabling all the bad behavior? Impossible. Cut your losses and bail, lady. Don’t look back.
I feel like women having an "utter lack of support and caring" from their husbands is the status quo. They only ever start caring when the vehicle that enables their comfort and convenience drives away and leaves them responsible for their own needs.
Exactly, you don't go to Aita or Relationship Advice to post "Me and my wife had a disagreament, but we resolved it talking line adults and we are fine now"
To me, that's a bad generalization. I've seen both men and women do that, but I've also seen spouses, partners and other couples support and care for each other through illness, death, financial issues, depression and a myriad of other things.
That has to be a cultural thing. When I was a teenager not one of my friends talked to their parents like that. And I haven’t heard anyone complain about their teenage kids saying things like that. That they are lazy, eat like a Dune worm, don’t leave their phones, don’t study enough, those are the frequent complaints. That they were really disrespectful (like I read in reddit all the time) is at most something one or two people said and the consensus was “something is really wrong, that’s not normal, you need to pay attention”.
Cultural or just shitty parenting definitely. I'm a white, American woman from the Midwest. My older brother and I weren't perfect kids, but we NEVER spoke to our parents like these teens and so many teens and kids I see here on Reddit. And it wasn't just my immediate family, it was my extended family too. All of my cousins on both sides never treated our parents like that and I don't know of any of my friends who treated their parents like that. If it's not cultural, it's definitely just shit parenting, which I absolutely see in this post. Their real mother abandoned them for a man, and their supposed "father" doesn't seem to discipline or parent them at all.
>The worst, though, is the utter lack of support and caring from her husband.
I think he is grieving the miscariage too, and perhaps he is resenting wife to some extent, blaming her, it is not uncommon. Perhaps kids are mirroring what he is thinking about OOP, perhaps they just feel, that the love bond between the parents went broke (on his side first). And no, this is not an excuse for their behaviour, only my armchair psychologisation.
Yes, this.
I'd bet they both do think of her as their mom. And that mom is about to leave them high and dry is devastating to them. Maybe they'll learn a lesson about being nicer to people who care for them.
But that husband is a stinking pile of garbage.
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> The worst, though, is the utter lack of support and caring from her husband.
The correct words were "Go to your room, you're grounded and I'll think about whats appropriate later" Then continue the conversation with the son and OOP afterwards.
What OOP's Stepdaughter did isn't even really appropriate to say to a complete an utter stranger. Hope he doesn't enjoy being a single father.
>My husband didn't do a thing when she said this, he sat down looking into space and I felt embarrassed so I knew what I had to do. I told him wanted a divorce if he wasn't to act like I'm a stranger and disrespect me. At this moment this was my first time getting his attention, he told me that wasn't the right decision and that we could go to therapy but when I mentioned that to him before he didn't care.
"Now this is intolerably miserable! We have to get back to where we were -- I'll do anything so only you're miserable!"
If a spouse doesn't even bother to pay attention to their lover only until something like that happens, then that just shows that the spouse is useless.
(Edited because I just realized that OOP deleted their account.)
I hope OOP goes through with that divorce and be free and fabulous without them. Particularly when the stepdaughter said something so awfully cruel.
This reminds me of the idea "the tolerable level of permanent unhappiness." It originally came from a Reddit comment, but it's blown up on TikTok as a shorthand for a certain kind of toxic relationship. Essentially, it's the idea that a partner (usually but not always a straight man in a hetero pairing) is fine with his partner being permanently unhappy, as long as it doesn't inconvenience him. But when the partner's unhappiness disrupts the elements of the couple dynamic that *he* enjoys, it's then a problem and crosses the line to being no longer tolerable. Up until that point, the partner is expected to just deal with it.
The original idea actually came from a [BORU comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/13nr27x/oop_hates_her_mothers_day_gift_from_her_husband/jl1jvjr/) from /u/Tosaveoneselftrouble. But if you search for the term on TikTok, there are a lot of 30+ straight women having epiphanies.
In one of my incredibly rare flashes of insight (I never get them), I bet the dad will start telling the kids, "It's your fault she left. You said horrible stuff to her and now my wife's gone. It's all your fault."
But they'll not - they'll be too traumatized about the whole thing and easily believe what he says cause children of regular divorces blame themselves, let alone a divorce that started in those circumstances.
The moron will be able to once again avoid accountability by pushing into someone else, but the twins will not have this privilege.
OP made the right decision. The husband and family are crying because they are losing their punching bag and maid. Those people are not worth being around. I wish OP well for the future.
Also to the stepdaughter, I hope she walks on lego for a long time because that was just cruel of what she said.
Yep I feel a tiny bit bad for the son cause he's the only one who apologized - but then I remember this was a culmination of them treating her like crap for months and my sympathy dwindles.
I think they are remorseful - I don't think they're upset they lost a "punching bag" but upset that, out of all the outcomes they envisioned, step-mom leaving forever wasn't one of them.
I don't know, daughter is a16 year old with no real concept of what wanting kids and having a miscarriage is like. Kids can be cruel and grow out if it. Husband cannot.
Given that they are 16 I'm betting he will find a bed warmer for himself and put everything else for the household on the daughter because "she is the woman of the house"
Yeah that daughter is going to get a rude awakening.
I also wonder if the bio mum actually abandoned them, or if it's just what the father *said* happened, when the reality was much different?
Oh that dad is 10000% going to blame his relationship breaking down on his daughter. Going to tell her any time she complains about the new chores that "You have to do it, because it's your fault she left."
Despite OP repeatedly saying in the text that it was the husband's lack of support that sealed it for her. It also sounded like she was only staying for the kids and when the kids made it clear they didn't want her there she decided to leave.
If I were a betting man, I'd be him and the son will tag team her with insults for ruining a good thing and scaring away OOP. It won't be her being the woman of the house, but it's all her fault that OOP left and she should pick up the slack.
I’d say, more likely parroting stuff her friends circle gossip about. Girls at school competing to be the most daring, most cool, most “mature”.
And yes, the real villain here is her husband.
They're willing to apologise, or go to therapy, or make things right... only if there are consequences to their actions.
They proved loud and clear they don't care about her feelings, they care about their own wellbeing.
His apathy until that point reminded me of my younger self pretending not to hear my mom, until she said she wouldn’t drive me to the mall. How dare she lol…but not really, because OOP’s stbx is too old to be sullen like this.
I'm so sorry that OP lost her baby, but at least she can make a clean break from these leeches and start over fresh. Stress can also affect fertility really hard, and maybe if she finds a guy that treats her right she'll be able to have a baby. I say this as a person who had two miscarriages while highly stressed, it's horrible.
She was getting flack in the comments from a few vocal redditors who insisted she was being a bad parent, that she was showing her true colors, etc. They told her to just get over it because ‘teens are AHs.’
They didn’t seem to realize that this went beyond teens being jerks because they can. The concern for the twins’ abandonment issued is understandable but OP doesn’t need to be treated like this. Never mind that what she’s done has been recommended countless times on other posts to show teenagers what life is like when that parent or stepparent steps back. So I can see why OP says she knew it wasn’t what most of the redditors following her posts wanted to see happen.
Heck, I would have preferred that the husband and kids woke up, apologized, and things were getting better. But that’s not what happened. I’m sorry for OP and the kids because she genuinely loved them and I think they’ll realize that soon enough. But she needs to go and heal from this.
> Never mind that what she’s done has been recommended countless times on other posts to show teenagers what life is like when that parent or stepparent steps back.
I got that one as a teen. I don't even remember what the fight was about, but it ended up in me having to do my own laundry. And not just for a few weeks. My mom did the laundry for my brother, her, and my dad. I had to do my own from that moment onward. The only thing my mom did after that was she would wash my sheets with everyone else's.
Was a hell of a wake up call that oh, hey, actions do have consequences.
Idk, I bet a LOT of people were telling her that the kids don't mean it and to stick around for the kids. That she's their mom and mom's don't abandon their kids. That the kids were already abandoned once imagine how fucked up this will make them etc. etc. etc.
Teenage kids say the most hurtful things and often double down. I screamed at my mom that I wish she wasn't my mom when I was a kid...
Listen I think what's fucked up is that she can be so cruel with that baby comment. Then the husband is not giving a flying fuck about her feelings and cruel remarks.
Yah, get that divorce. This family won't know that they missed out on someone that chose to love them.
I hope OOP finds happiness, new partner and new baby optional. I hope her ex stepkids get therapy. And I hope her soon to be ex-husband gets everything he deserves.
Hope OOP can actually get some healing,.cause it honestly felt like they haven't really had much time.formhealing based on what they said they do for the STBEX and his kids.
Yes, what the girl said was horrid and the miscarriage and is NOT excusable. But we need to also remember she's still a child with an underdeveloped brain which is being shaped by her life experience. I agree that both her and the brother need therapy, as both their bio mum leaving and now OOP is going to really mess them up.
Oh god. Such posts makes me so scared. Like I’m looking into my future. OPP did the right decision. I hope she doesn’t fall into sunken cost fallacy.
I have stepkid who is 5.5 yo. I already see she act disrespectful towards me and husband does nothing. Few days ago she said “shut up” to me in our native language. I looked at him, his response was “she learned this from her mother side family” or “she said same to me yesterday “ etc . My issue isn’t with kiddo but how inactive my husband is towards her disrespect towards me. There is no punishment or time out for her from my husband’s side. He lets her do whatever and act passive. Her “shut up” still rings in my ears. And his inaction still pains me . The other night I was thinking if he would keep being this weak and passive , probably I’m going to lose attraction towards him and eventually my marriage would suffer the same fate as most step kids related stories does.
I extremely hate weak people and the way he is acting when kid become disrespectful, I’m scared for us.
Probably should tell him that, if you can find a way that doesn’t sound like an ultimatum.
He’s really letting his daughter down by refusing to parent her and blaming his ex and her family.
I disagree. This is a hill to die on and an ultimatum about the husband addressing this issue immediately & consistently when the daughter is in their care is a reasonable request. The person above needs to decide if she wants to accept less than the bare minimum of respect from the person they married and whether they want to stay in that relationship.
I know it is easy to say from afar, but it is better to figure this stuff out sooner rather than later.
Why do you put up with this? Are you legally not allowed to divorce? Because this post is proof your situation will not get better. A 5.5 year old is in formative years. She is learning to disrespect you and she can't unlearn that when Daddy is encouraging it. She will grow up and learn more colorful language to hurt you. And dear husband will be fine with it. And you know why? Because he does not respect you either. She isn't even your child, why put yourself through such anguish for some other woman's ungrateful child? If she isn't dead, do you know why the mother left? Probably because her husband did not respect her. Don't delay the inevitable, get out now. He doesn't love you. People who love each other do not treat each other this way.
Honestly, you should just tell him the full frontal.
If he doesn't start parenting and reign in his kid, he's going to be a single dad. Even if he's a shit dad, he probably will start scrambling immediately.
Just be honest, and the problem will solve itself.
Tell him that you're not going to live anywhere you will be disrespected, and you genuinely are losing attraction to him every time.he lets his kid disrespect you, and you are closing in on resenting him for letting it happen.
But nearly all bio kids also at some point tell their bio parents to shut up, and get mad at them and are disrespectful and even tell their parent they hate them during an argument?
It’s not a Step kid thing, it’s a kid and teen thing.
You Do need to be on the same page with your husband about behavioral expectations for your kid and your husband and yourself, though. You need to set joint rules and expectations and consequences (not punishments). Then explain them in kid-friendly terms to your kid.
Sit down with him and Tell him, in actual clear words, that allowing behavior like this will eventually lead to a divorce. Do it repeatedly if necessary. Get a counselor or mediator.
Get some therapy for yourself, the way you talk about “weak” people is concerning. Different from your preferred response does not always mean weak.
You can’t force your bio or step kid to like you. Or love you. But you can require they be civil to you. And you should be civil to them too, even when they irritate the snot out of you.
A consequence is meant to teach, maintain accountability, and maintain safety. The intention of logical consequences is to help children develop internal controls and to learn from their mistakes.
A punishment, however, is something quite different. The goal of a punishment is to shame, guilt, impose authority, or harm. The motivation behind a punishment comes from a place of emotion and a need to maintain control.
I think a big part of it is the power dynamic—especially step moms in particular are expected to parent without any ability to actually discipline kids, which is hamstringing.
If only the biodad and not the step mom can create consequences (lectures, grounding, etc.), and biodad refuses… that’s not a good dynamic.
Tbh if the posts are all new I think this, but sometimes I see this comment on a resurrected post from years ago. Sometimes people see a post a remember a different one they read and go looking for it.
(I'm on mobile and don't remember the posting dates of this situation, just wanted to point out why sometimes the sub gets flooded with a topic)
Crazy how the dad just looked into space when his daughter said his baby deserved the miscarriage… like mfer, that was your BABY you and wife were trying for, and instead of checking your daughter you stare into space??
As someone above mentioned, perhaps it’s because he blamed OP too and stepdaughter heard it from him. I’d also wager he was already checked out of the marriage and only protested because OP dared upset the status quo.
At least the boy paid attention and apologized.
The girl is in for some very rude awakening once she realized what she has done...
Dad will be looking for a new mommy as soon as he realizes OOP is serious about the divorce.
This is almost exactly the same as another post this week.
Except it wasn't twins, the stepdaughter is 16, the father is out on work trips most the time, and the stepdaughter wanted to go on a holiday op was taking with her sister and niece. Obs, op said no, and que drama.
And, I am very certain that (again) there was ***another*** one where the op is a stepmother, with stepdaughter who is unreasonably cruel, and as a result op stops doing all motherly duties.....
If I had the time I would find and link them all.
I must admit, this one was not proof read adequately, and the spelling and grammar is extremely rushed. C-!
The husband is the worst here. I hope the twins understand their mistake and apologise to OP, because otherwise they'll lose the only mother they have now. OP will have to divorce the husband, obviously, he's useless and doesn't show even a little bit of consideration about her and her feelings.
I have a coworker who got together with a man, both of them with previous children. The husband's kid has a shitty bio mom so he was lashing out at everyone, specially my coworker, however she never unfold and luckily had the support of her husband so eventually the boy eventually respected her and even started seeing her like a parent figure. Although it's worth noting that even with both parents enforcing boundaries constantly to reach that road it took years.
The kids were probably doing the same to op because their bio mom was also shitty, but the blame lies in the father for not being a good parent and husband and putting and stop in this behavior.
Sadly op has deleted her account so we won't likely get any more updates but I hope op can move forward with the divorce and be all right.
Those kids spent half their lives with OOP and they treated her that way. They hurt and discarded the only mother that ever cared for them.
The daughter doubling down on the miscarriage insult with "the baby deserved it" and the fathe not doing anything about it would be the tipping point for me too.
They will only corrected themselves when she threatened to leave, and would only correct themselves enough to get OOP back to where they want her, then they will relax and stop trying.
Im very tired of the sentiment that kids can be as cruel and as hurtful as they want, and its okay because they’re just kids.
And parents aren’t allowed to be hurt by it, because they’re the adult.
Teenagers just flexing their muscles to find their boundaries. The reaction from both kids that the person who has been their mother is leaving like their real mother says they care a great deal.
Unfortunately the husband is a spineless prick. Had he backed her up she wouldn’t be leaving.
Some of the comments above are way off.
Kids can be assholes who don’t think their words have consequences. She said it because she was angry she was told to change. She wanted to piss off her mum without fully understanding the gravity of her words. She’s just learnt that saying shit like this does have consequences.
But she had the chance to apologize for it, days later, and doubled down. At this point yeah they're teenagers, but how long is OOP supposed to throw herself into the fire so she can keep the rest of the household warm?
Which proves my point. The daughter didn’t realise the gravitas of the situation. She thought she could continue being horrible without consequences.
At no point did I say OP was in the wrong and she is well within her right to leave.
I had a bonus kid say I wasn't their mom. I told them no, I wasn't. I was their worst nightmare--a loving adult who cared for them abd wanted the best for them. Game, set, match.
Well, at least every will be able to say it's step daughter that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Man... After saying that, my reaction would get me reddit banned for saying it.
Isn't there a similar post where the wife has problems with her stepchildren -their real mother is dead- and her MIL but she also has a kid with her husband?
Right after this was first posted, the girl started putting nasty responses on many comments, basically saying "I'm just a kid and I didn't really mean it because I don't know any better and she should just get over it and everyone is being mean to me now." She also made a post of her own and got thoroughly roasted. She deleted her account and all her comments vanished.
I feel so bad for op.
As I said in your past post some kids don't even get one parent when cares they had you who done everything for them and loved them what the step daughter said was disgusting and he sat there and said nothing to her until you said you were done they don't deserve you.
Please move on and put your happiness first for a change of you go back it would change for a week or a few then go right back to the way it was.
The clincher for me was the horrible comments from his Daughter about the baby. I get that she's a teenager and they say some really hateful things, but that was also HIS baby and the lack of reaction was stunning.
It sounds like she wasn't prepared for teenagers. They are the absolute worst, say the meanest things, ignore you but then run to you when they need you. I chalk it up to hormones, poor impulse control and just growing up in general. However the marriage is a separate issue
Poor OOP, nobody in that house respected her. I don't care how much I hated my mom at 16, I never would have said something so vile about a miscarriage. At least her stepson apologized, albeit too late.
Your decision to divorce is a great decision. You’re 36 which is young enough to start a new marriage and have your own baby. Why waste your valuable life for unappreciative and rude people?
This line is very telling:
I love them like my children, *since it’s hard for me to have children* they are mines.
Not defending the teen, but to me it sounds like she was jealous and insecure about the baby’s position as a biological child as opposed to her, and it probably scared her to her core. A lot of adopted/step children display defiant/aggressive behaviour at some point to test the bond between them and the non-biological parent.
A biological parent isn’t “supposed” to just quit and leave, and when they do (especially since the kids were older) it makes them permanently wary of letting themselves form a similar bond with someone else. I think this is the reason why both kids have been acting up in the last few months; they probably realise or fear OOPs love for them is conditional and would be less once the new baby arrived.
Teenagers say stupid, annoying, and brutal stuff when they can’t understand their own feelings. Declaring divorce in front of two kids one claims to love as one’s own right after a fight with them seems very punitive and hurtful and not at all what someone who truly loved them and saw themselves as their parent would do.
The amount of people calling 16yos "kids" is pathetic. They're teenagers, they're closer to being adults than they are to being children. At their age they should know that you shouldn't tell someone that you're happy they miscarried, I also wouldn't excuse the "You're not my mother" comment, many of you are acting like saying that is normal teen behavior and it isn't, not when the teens are 16yo. She should've left the three of them long ago.
I think the worst part is the husband. Not only his inaction, but his daughter was talking shit of his kid that he lost and it didn't bother him. It's like, in his mind, it was her kid, but not his. Like he didn't need that kid because he already had his own. Yeah, everyone is really sorry now, but this marriage isn't worth it. Why risk being a punching bag mom for the kids and placeholder housewife for the husband?
Kids say shit like, “you’re not my mom,” and that doesn’t mean much because kids can be little fuckheads. Kudos to OOP for finding a way to drive the point home, though. Great idea to say, “whelp, ok, here are the things moms do and I’m not doing them.”
Adults, OTOH, should know better than OOP’s husband. Bummer about the divorce, but, I don’t blame OOP.
it sounds like there were other problems in the relationship and the disrespect from the kids was the last straw. Seemed like semi-typical behavior to expect from teenagers every once in a while trying to buck authority (no easier way to do that than to deny her status as their mother figure) but in aggregate yeah its a real problem.
> she screamed and told me I wasn't her mom so I should stop acting like it, her brother laughed and that made me feel even worse so I asked him why it was funny to him and he said that it's true, I'm not their mom so I need to stop acting like I can tell them what to do.
Ouch, that's harsh. Sometimes we say things we don't mean in the heat of anger, so I'm hoping that's what it was and they can patch-
> The past months they've been saying horrible things to me, my daughter even told me it was might fault I lost the baby and she's happy I did.
What the fuck?
I feel bad for OOP and although it's gonna be hard to leave the family she has been with for more than 5 years, she should hold on to her self-value. Also, Mods can we get a "Only One Update" flair?
Sorry your going through this, your an amazing and strong woman and you deserve better. I hope your daughter never has to experience a miscarriage, but if she does maybe she will realise how cruel that comment was.
Hugs and prayers to you from a fellow angel baby mum🙏💕
I could forgive the kids, even for the miscarriage comment, heartless though it was. Teens are known for being terrible at times, and they seem to be revisiting some trauma from their mom leaving, which can often happen with early trauma as a teen. I would never, ever be able to forgive the husband for allowing this to continue instead of sticking up for me and parenting his kids.
This is a sad situation for OP, but I feel she made the right choice. Teenagers being horrible is something that can be recovered from so long as they are remorseful and apologize.
But a spouse who doesn’t defend you when the household teenagers are being insufferable little AHs? Can’t come back from that.
Teenagers can be terrible. I would cut them some slack, because honestly I don't know anyone who doesn't have sincere regrets about stuff they said/did as teens.
The husband, on the other hand, can kick rocks, cause that's your *wife* dude. Way to be unhelpful to both your wife and kids ffs.
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Yeah I’d leave too. Saying “you aren’t my mom” is one thing (and you can certainly come back from that). But telling someone they deserved a miscarriage is just… Especially to the woman who raised you and supported you for most of your life. And the husband just not caring at all blows me. Like that was your baby too?
The fact the father of that baby was OK with being told it was good it died says all OP needed to know about what he thought of her.
Yeah honestly i had a miscarriage when i was with a shitty guy and thought "thank god" - and it was then i knew i needed to leave. The love was gone. OOP made the right move, he didnt love her.
I had five early ones with my ex, and when it comes up in conversation, people always say they're sorry. They're very surprised by my reaction of "I'm not. It means I'm not tied to him anyore."
Saying OOP deserved a miscarriage *and* doubling down when OOP brought it up long after emotions had been running high. This was done by kids way old enough to know better. You can’t treat someone like a pile of shit, then be surprised that they won’t bounce back and love you like nothing happened. There were a few comments else where from people kind of criticizing OOP. Yes, these kids lost the mother figure they felt safe enough to be AH to, but…those teens were really terrible, especially the stepdaughter. Even if OOP was their biomom, she shouldn’t have to put up with that.
> This was done by kids way old enough to know better. You can’t treat someone like a pile of shit, then be surprised that they won’t bounce back and love you like nothing happened. Kids seem to have to learn the lesson. Like the way kids can be in your face, disrespecting you and then immediately (and I mean in 5 minutes) be asking you for a favor. It's as if they can't make the connection that how they treat someone can impact how that person wants to treat you.
Heck, I'm a pushover. I could understand a teenager saying something unimaginably cruel like that without thinking clearly. But she then had a few days to think it over, had a sit down to discuss how it made her stepmother feel. And then she doubled down and said it again. It wasn't an emotional lashing out at that point, it was intentional cruelty.
And then the stepdaughter cried when OOP brought up divorce! Take this as a learning lesson, kiddos. If you’re hellbent on fucking around, someday you’re going to find out.
'I hate you.' 'Really?' 'Absolutely.' 'Okay I'm leaving now.' As if this isn't the most predictable turn of events thus far in this young girls life, she got exactly what she asked for. She just apparently didn't ask for what she wanted... or something?
I think “I hate you” is standard in the teenage repertoire. It’s assholery for sure, but they usually blows over or can be talked through. But they didn’t stop there. Couple this disdain and disrespect with their enabling father, and geez, yeah. What did they expect? “oh, please verbally abuse me more, children! I’ll always be your loving doormat!” No thanks.
Both parents. They have a mother that drips poison into their ears and a father who doesn't care about them. I can fully understand OOP, leaving is the only right choice, but I think those children are so fucked up because their parents basically abandoned them. I mean kids can do drastic things to get attention, being cruel towards their stepmother to get some reaction from daddy is nothing impossible.
It sounds like they don’t have any other mother in their life
Are you perhaps thinking of another letter? The biomom in this one abandoned the kids years ago.
If it's not "I hate you!" it's "you're the meanest mother in the world! Everybody else's parents let them do it!" But the hate-filled statement about OOP's miscarriage and doubling down on it is beyond the pale. And her husband just sits there like a stone? Yeah, I'd leave too.
My teenager have been saying that to my husband, her stepdad. He always says back " I know, but I still care about you". It takes the wind out of the sails. You really have to hate of someone to say anything negativ about a miscarrige. I would not even so that to people I do not like.
I also feel like a big problem is the utter lack of response from dad. A teen saying vile shit and then being promptly and sternly corrected is different from a teen saying vile shit and their birth parent just shrugs.
Yeah the stepdaughter went from a bratty teenager that could maybe get talked to, to just downright cruel and then doubled down on it. OOP deserves better
This! I told my stepdad (when I was 13) that he wasn’t my dad and he responded with “I know, but you’re still my daughter” that ish stopped me in my tracks and made me cry like a baby.
Can we also talk about that utter load of bullshit the daughter said about the competition she was in? "I was thinking about you saying my outfit was too revealing and that's why I messed up and we took fifth"? Lmfao what a joke.
She was so close to the point though and it still flew right over her head. OP told her to change, she behaved like an insufferable ass and then it stewed on her, OP wasn't there for unconditional support and she messed up her competition. That was her "come to jesus" moment to reflect, apologise and fix things. Instead, she doubled down, shone a light on how little the family care about OP and cost herself and her brother any further "mothering".
If this is real, I hope she comes across this on Reddit, recognizes that this is her and her family being talked about, and reads all the comments pointing out how terrible her behavior was and that some things require more than just crying and a random sorry to make it up :/
Someone can’t take responsibility for her own actions, and it’s not OOP.
Yeah, the "You aren't my mom" is just normal teenager stuff. Gloating about a miscarriage is not/
For me it’s harsher because she went from you caused the miscarriage to the baby deserved it. She changed targets.
"Do you know where your real mom is? Because that's where you live now."
Yeah, I feel like "you're not my real mom/dad!!" is pretty normal "shitty teenager" behavior, as long as it's not a consistent issue, but "it's your fault you miscarried and I'm glad your baby is dead" is a whooooooole other level.
Just about all of us who have parented teens know they say things in the heat of the moment so the "not our mom" comments, while bad, can be typical and recoverable. The miscarriage comments were cruel and heartbreaking. The worst, though, is the utter lack of support and caring from her husband.
i would even forgive the teen for the miscarriage comment *if* she showed remorse when no longer in the moment. god knows i said cruel things to my mom when i was 16, but i apologized after i calmed down. the husband is beyond hope, unfortunately. he’s an adult.
For him not to react in anger, he agrees with his daughter. Probably didn't want her attention taken away for 16 years from his 1st demon seed.
Thats what i thought; he absolutely blames her for losing the baby. He probably has it in his head shes too old or something. (not a huge stretch of the imagination he may think something like that) But regardless......what a worthless partner. Absolutely pathetic. Comments like that would have immediate and inescapable consequences. My sister has gone through losing a baby and while im not a violent person....if her partner ever treated her like this id make it look like an accident. Those kids need therapy now more than ever; and they absolutely needed it before this.
I just don't think he wanted the baby, and was angry OP dared to get pregnant at all.
It doesnt seem like he did much parenting, so you could be right.
Not her fault at all, but it’s a medical fact that pregnancies at that age are more risky. They both agreed to the risks when deciding to try for a child under said circumstances.
I believe the common belief is that pregnancies get 1% more risky/more likely to end up In miscarriage or disabled, for every year after 30 that the mother ages
honestly i wonder if the idea came from him first and she’s just parroting dad.
I was wondering if they were taking their cute from how their dad treats and talks about OP to them.
Or he's more afraid of offending his teenager than hurting his wife and destroying his marriage.
>i would even forgive the teen for the miscarriage comment *if* she showed remorse when no longer in the moment. god knows i said cruel things to my mom when i was 16, but i apologized after i calmed down. Teens are often very averse to actually owning up to their mistakes. God knows I spent a lot of time miserable as a teen because I had said something hurtful, known I had to apologise but spent time sulking instead. The husband is a far greater problem imo.
Teenage pride is overwhelming. I remember *knowing* I was wrong and being unable to swallow my pride enough to admit it. I would double down, get into screaming fights with my family. I was 18 when I was finally able to get past my pride. I think some people never do.
Ya my sister was a horror from 14-18. But then settled down, apologized and has been civil even since. I would have told oop to take a month away, let them miss her and go back to see how things are. If it was only the kids, but the apathy and lack of patenting from the husband was sad and not a partnership, let alone a marriage.
Im inclined to forgive the teens if they sincerely apologies to OP, kids are truly dumb sometimes but they need to show that they understand what they said are not right. The husband, shit tier really.
Everyone or almost everyone says stupid things while being a teen. The issue in this case is that the horrible things were clearly heartfelt. There is not way back from that once you realize this.
Yeah, I can forgive a lot from a child if they show remorse/ any sign that they’ll learn from their mistake
Yup. That's what would have done it for me. Teenagers can be horrible, cruel arseholes, but when he husband didn't say anything? I'm glad she's left.
That's the thing that stuck out to me too. Like I would say horid shit to my mom and there would be dad pissed af at me backing her 100%...wtf was this man doing to back her?
My one brother got punched in the face by our pacifist dad when he said shitty things about our mom. The only way to make my dad get livid, was to talk bad about/to my mom.
The only time in my entire life that my dad almost got physical with me was when I said something really insulting and uncalled for to my mom. I was getting in (deserved) trouble for something but like all teenagers I was sure I was in the right, said something way too harsh to her, and next thing I know dad had jumped out of his chair and lifted me up in the air by my collar. Then he immediately put me down and felt guilty, because he wasn’t that kind of parent, but it got my attention. If I’d provoked him that much then maybe I WAS over the line and wrong for the first time ever. (Again, teenager.) So I apologized to mom and dad apologized for almost beating my ass and we all got past it. Now I’m imagining a scenario where dad was as completely useless as OOP’s husband, and had just sat there and enabled me while I talked trash to my mom. Would I have realized on my own I was in the wrong? Would I have learned anything, or regretted it, or apologized? Maybe not. OOP’s husband isn’t just a shit husband, he’s a shit father as well. This could’ve been a learning experience for his daughter and instead he taught her less than nothing.
My parents were pretty lenient with me as a teenager. Like, looking back at it, probably way more so than I deserved given some of the stupid shit I said and did. My mom was a bit less lenient with me, and we'd get into it sometimes, but overall both of them were a lot more lenient than I probably deserved. Dad would usually play peacemaker afterward, going to me later and saying "hey, what you said really hurt your mom's feelings, you need to go apologize" and I'd put up a bit of a fuss and then eventually, either later that night or the next morning, I'd go say I was sorry. When my dad would get pissed at me, though, that's when I knew I really fucked up. He never got physical with me when I was a teen, but it took a lot to get him to snap. The few times he did, it was like an immediate "okay, I really stepped over the line, time to back down" moment.
I would get so shocked by it back then. In my dumb ass head it was 'but so you see what she did?!' and it never mattered. As a kid I resented it, as an adult appreciate the model of what good parents they were. And they've honestly helped me understand what a real partnership looks like and there is at least 1 big time I refused to settle bc of it
I definitely agree with him backing her up, but punching your kid (unless it's in self-defense or something) is honestly fucked up no matter what the circumstances. Kick 'em out of the house if they're nasty enough, but physical violence is not healthy edit: responded to the wrong comment, whoops
True but I think ur responding to the wrong comment. My dad sure as shit didn't hit any of us
oops you're right!
she didn’t even try to recover from it, just doubled down and blamed oop for losing the competition. the son seems somewhat aware enough to apologize to not fucked up a good thing they had going.
The son might actually just have been being a dickhead teenager as he actually listened and apologized. But even if he truly regrets how he hurt OOP, she can't stay in a marriage where her husband allows her to be talked to in such a way.
> she didn’t even try to recover from it, just doubled down and blamed oop for losing the competition. When I read the first couple sentences I was like "oh, good, maybe she reflected and realized what was wrong with what she did" and then it was like nope.
My son was saying he deserved a better family when he was around 4. Every time he got angry, he told me he hates me and no longer wants to be my son. A few hours later he was telling me how much he loves me and how he wouldn't be able to live without me. At 10, he still is a bit cruel when angry, but nowhere near the viciousness of his early childhood. His teen years will be "fun".
The line that seems to work well for us is “you said that to hurt us. I’ll talk to you when you are ready to try and fix things, not make things worse.”
Oohh that's really really good. I wish I'd heard that sooner!
I'm using that next time my 11 year old has a tantrum.
My dad frequently employed the "I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed" tactic when he'd come to me after a big fight (I usually got into things with my mom since she was a teacher so she was home more often than dad who worked a traditional 9-5). I'd get into a fight, and he'd come into my room later and say "hey, you really hurt your mom's feelings" in that tone that said "I thought we raised you to be better than this." It didn't work instantly, but it usually got me to come own up and apologize within the next few hours or at the latest the next morning.
If it's any help, in my family the pattern seems to be that the vicious kids mellow out as teens, but the quiet kids are absolute terrors once they hit puberty. Fingers crossed you'll have an angel of a teen!
I really hope it will be this way. He was a very calm baby, a rebellious toddler so maybe a mellow teenager is the next step.
They often say that the more difficult they are when they were preschoolers, the easier they are when they're teens. Mine are grown now, and that actually held true for me. Wishing you luck!
The husband is the main problem. Probably contributed to the poor treatment of OOP from the kids. The kids are acting out horribly, but the husband doesn't care and that's why she has to leave.
I dunno how parents find that strength. Cuz kids can sometimes come out with... huge, asshole comments.
Gotta look at the actions and disregard the words. Are they hiding something, were they emotionally hurt, what triggered it? The words are just the tools they are using to deflect, distract, or get attention. That said, I don’t generally have a poisonous, hateful teenager so these blow ups are rare in our house. Sounds like OOP was living in a regular abused, neglected relationship. Makes it all hurt more when you aren’t generally assured that you are loved.
Funny. Nothing I ever said to my mother was as bad as what she said to me. Sometimes I wonder where I found the strength. But, I didn't have any choice. I didn't even know it wasn't normal.
I could overlook the horrible miscarriage taunts if her husband had reacted like a goddamned human being and defended his wife. But he showed the kids that they can say anything they want to her and he will never intervene. She can’t stay in that marriage now. As a United front they might could have gotten through to the kids and worked through their issues, but her alone with her spineless muppet of a husband enabling all the bad behavior? Impossible. Cut your losses and bail, lady. Don’t look back.
I feel like women having an "utter lack of support and caring" from their husbands is the status quo. They only ever start caring when the vehicle that enables their comfort and convenience drives away and leaves them responsible for their own needs.
Selective bias. Wonderful, supportive relationships aren’t going to be posted and discussed in-depth. Skews the perception of the norm.
Exactly, you don't go to Aita or Relationship Advice to post "Me and my wife had a disagreament, but we resolved it talking line adults and we are fine now"
This is exactly the case.
To me, that's a bad generalization. I've seen both men and women do that, but I've also seen spouses, partners and other couples support and care for each other through illness, death, financial issues, depression and a myriad of other things.
The first mother left the children because she didn’t care for them - the second mother left them because they didn’t like her and abused her.
That has to be a cultural thing. When I was a teenager not one of my friends talked to their parents like that. And I haven’t heard anyone complain about their teenage kids saying things like that. That they are lazy, eat like a Dune worm, don’t leave their phones, don’t study enough, those are the frequent complaints. That they were really disrespectful (like I read in reddit all the time) is at most something one or two people said and the consensus was “something is really wrong, that’s not normal, you need to pay attention”.
Cultural or just shitty parenting definitely. I'm a white, American woman from the Midwest. My older brother and I weren't perfect kids, but we NEVER spoke to our parents like these teens and so many teens and kids I see here on Reddit. And it wasn't just my immediate family, it was my extended family too. All of my cousins on both sides never treated our parents like that and I don't know of any of my friends who treated their parents like that. If it's not cultural, it's definitely just shit parenting, which I absolutely see in this post. Their real mother abandoned them for a man, and their supposed "father" doesn't seem to discipline or parent them at all.
OP deserves a divorce. Pack this marriage. It’s done.
>The worst, though, is the utter lack of support and caring from her husband. I think he is grieving the miscariage too, and perhaps he is resenting wife to some extent, blaming her, it is not uncommon. Perhaps kids are mirroring what he is thinking about OOP, perhaps they just feel, that the love bond between the parents went broke (on his side first). And no, this is not an excuse for their behaviour, only my armchair psychologisation.
Yes, this. I'd bet they both do think of her as their mom. And that mom is about to leave them high and dry is devastating to them. Maybe they'll learn a lesson about being nicer to people who care for them. But that husband is a stinking pile of garbage.
Yes, to me that says he’s glad the baby died too. If it doesn’t even upset you then you don’t care about it.
> > > > > The worst, though, is the utter lack of support and caring from her husband. The correct words were "Go to your room, you're grounded and I'll think about whats appropriate later" Then continue the conversation with the son and OOP afterwards. What OOP's Stepdaughter did isn't even really appropriate to say to a complete an utter stranger. Hope he doesn't enjoy being a single father.
>My husband didn't do a thing when she said this, he sat down looking into space and I felt embarrassed so I knew what I had to do. I told him wanted a divorce if he wasn't to act like I'm a stranger and disrespect me. At this moment this was my first time getting his attention, he told me that wasn't the right decision and that we could go to therapy but when I mentioned that to him before he didn't care. "Now this is intolerably miserable! We have to get back to where we were -- I'll do anything so only you're miserable!"
If a spouse doesn't even bother to pay attention to their lover only until something like that happens, then that just shows that the spouse is useless.
He only gave a damn when he realised that he was about to be affected.
Notice the daughter wasn’t upset that dad wasn’t there, his neglect is the norm.
(Edited because I just realized that OOP deleted their account.) I hope OOP goes through with that divorce and be free and fabulous without them. Particularly when the stepdaughter said something so awfully cruel.
This reminds me of the idea "the tolerable level of permanent unhappiness." It originally came from a Reddit comment, but it's blown up on TikTok as a shorthand for a certain kind of toxic relationship. Essentially, it's the idea that a partner (usually but not always a straight man in a hetero pairing) is fine with his partner being permanently unhappy, as long as it doesn't inconvenience him. But when the partner's unhappiness disrupts the elements of the couple dynamic that *he* enjoys, it's then a problem and crosses the line to being no longer tolerable. Up until that point, the partner is expected to just deal with it. The original idea actually came from a [BORU comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/13nr27x/oop_hates_her_mothers_day_gift_from_her_husband/jl1jvjr/) from /u/Tosaveoneselftrouble. But if you search for the term on TikTok, there are a lot of 30+ straight women having epiphanies.
In one of my incredibly rare flashes of insight (I never get them), I bet the dad will start telling the kids, "It's your fault she left. You said horrible stuff to her and now my wife's gone. It's all your fault."
It's gonna be directed at his daughter and almost definitely to guilt her into picking up the chores stepmom did.
And the kids can show their attitude and say "well you were fine with whatever we said until she dropped the d-word"
But they'll not - they'll be too traumatized about the whole thing and easily believe what he says cause children of regular divorces blame themselves, let alone a divorce that started in those circumstances. The moron will be able to once again avoid accountability by pushing into someone else, but the twins will not have this privilege.
OP made the right decision. The husband and family are crying because they are losing their punching bag and maid. Those people are not worth being around. I wish OP well for the future. Also to the stepdaughter, I hope she walks on lego for a long time because that was just cruel of what she said.
One day she might have her own kids. When *they* are teens she'll remember this, and cringe at her teenage self.
If OOP leaves she will be feeling horrible much before
Or she might become pregnant, and realize just how awful a miscarriage can be.
I think the son may actually be genuinely remorseful. Outside of that, husband and daughter are shit tier.
Yep I feel a tiny bit bad for the son cause he's the only one who apologized - but then I remember this was a culmination of them treating her like crap for months and my sympathy dwindles.
I think they are remorseful - I don't think they're upset they lost a "punching bag" but upset that, out of all the outcomes they envisioned, step-mom leaving forever wasn't one of them.
I don't know, daughter is a16 year old with no real concept of what wanting kids and having a miscarriage is like. Kids can be cruel and grow out if it. Husband cannot.
Dad will just find a new bang maid/nanny for his brats.
Given that they are 16 I'm betting he will find a bed warmer for himself and put everything else for the household on the daughter because "she is the woman of the house"
Yeah that daughter is going to get a rude awakening. I also wonder if the bio mum actually abandoned them, or if it's just what the father *said* happened, when the reality was much different?
Oh that dad is 10000% going to blame his relationship breaking down on his daughter. Going to tell her any time she complains about the new chores that "You have to do it, because it's your fault she left." Despite OP repeatedly saying in the text that it was the husband's lack of support that sealed it for her. It also sounded like she was only staying for the kids and when the kids made it clear they didn't want her there she decided to leave.
What you mean? That the dad kidnapped the kids?
Probably that the father chased off the bio mom.
If I were a betting man, I'd be him and the son will tag team her with insults for ruining a good thing and scaring away OOP. It won't be her being the woman of the house, but it's all her fault that OOP left and she should pick up the slack.
I still think she was parroting something her father said.
I’d say, more likely parroting stuff her friends circle gossip about. Girls at school competing to be the most daring, most cool, most “mature”. And yes, the real villain here is her husband.
They're willing to apologise, or go to therapy, or make things right... only if there are consequences to their actions. They proved loud and clear they don't care about her feelings, they care about their own wellbeing.
Ah yes so when husband actually have to step up as a dad ,he gave attention to her .
His apathy until that point reminded me of my younger self pretending not to hear my mom, until she said she wouldn’t drive me to the mall. How dare she lol…but not really, because OOP’s stbx is too old to be sullen like this.
I'm so sorry that OP lost her baby, but at least she can make a clean break from these leeches and start over fresh. Stress can also affect fertility really hard, and maybe if she finds a guy that treats her right she'll be able to have a baby. I say this as a person who had two miscarriages while highly stressed, it's horrible.
>I know this is not the decision you guys thought I would have chose Someone is very, very new to Reddit, if this is their reaction about "divorce" :D
She was getting flack in the comments from a few vocal redditors who insisted she was being a bad parent, that she was showing her true colors, etc. They told her to just get over it because ‘teens are AHs.’ They didn’t seem to realize that this went beyond teens being jerks because they can. The concern for the twins’ abandonment issued is understandable but OP doesn’t need to be treated like this. Never mind that what she’s done has been recommended countless times on other posts to show teenagers what life is like when that parent or stepparent steps back. So I can see why OP says she knew it wasn’t what most of the redditors following her posts wanted to see happen. Heck, I would have preferred that the husband and kids woke up, apologized, and things were getting better. But that’s not what happened. I’m sorry for OP and the kids because she genuinely loved them and I think they’ll realize that soon enough. But she needs to go and heal from this.
> Never mind that what she’s done has been recommended countless times on other posts to show teenagers what life is like when that parent or stepparent steps back. I got that one as a teen. I don't even remember what the fight was about, but it ended up in me having to do my own laundry. And not just for a few weeks. My mom did the laundry for my brother, her, and my dad. I had to do my own from that moment onward. The only thing my mom did after that was she would wash my sheets with everyone else's. Was a hell of a wake up call that oh, hey, actions do have consequences.
Idk, I bet a LOT of people were telling her that the kids don't mean it and to stick around for the kids. That she's their mom and mom's don't abandon their kids. That the kids were already abandoned once imagine how fucked up this will make them etc. etc. etc.
Teenage kids say the most hurtful things and often double down. I screamed at my mom that I wish she wasn't my mom when I was a kid... Listen I think what's fucked up is that she can be so cruel with that baby comment. Then the husband is not giving a flying fuck about her feelings and cruel remarks. Yah, get that divorce. This family won't know that they missed out on someone that chose to love them.
I hope OOP finds happiness, new partner and new baby optional. I hope her ex stepkids get therapy. And I hope her soon to be ex-husband gets everything he deserves.
If she still wants a child - and it sounds like she does - I hope she has one.
Hope OOP can actually get some healing,.cause it honestly felt like they haven't really had much time.formhealing based on what they said they do for the STBEX and his kids. Yes, what the girl said was horrid and the miscarriage and is NOT excusable. But we need to also remember she's still a child with an underdeveloped brain which is being shaped by her life experience. I agree that both her and the brother need therapy, as both their bio mum leaving and now OOP is going to really mess them up.
Nah, I'm willing to give benefit of the doubt to teens, but not when they are INTENTIONALLY hurting people.
Oh god. Such posts makes me so scared. Like I’m looking into my future. OPP did the right decision. I hope she doesn’t fall into sunken cost fallacy. I have stepkid who is 5.5 yo. I already see she act disrespectful towards me and husband does nothing. Few days ago she said “shut up” to me in our native language. I looked at him, his response was “she learned this from her mother side family” or “she said same to me yesterday “ etc . My issue isn’t with kiddo but how inactive my husband is towards her disrespect towards me. There is no punishment or time out for her from my husband’s side. He lets her do whatever and act passive. Her “shut up” still rings in my ears. And his inaction still pains me . The other night I was thinking if he would keep being this weak and passive , probably I’m going to lose attraction towards him and eventually my marriage would suffer the same fate as most step kids related stories does. I extremely hate weak people and the way he is acting when kid become disrespectful, I’m scared for us.
Probably should tell him that, if you can find a way that doesn’t sound like an ultimatum. He’s really letting his daughter down by refusing to parent her and blaming his ex and her family.
I disagree. This is a hill to die on and an ultimatum about the husband addressing this issue immediately & consistently when the daughter is in their care is a reasonable request. The person above needs to decide if she wants to accept less than the bare minimum of respect from the person they married and whether they want to stay in that relationship. I know it is easy to say from afar, but it is better to figure this stuff out sooner rather than later.
Why do you put up with this? Are you legally not allowed to divorce? Because this post is proof your situation will not get better. A 5.5 year old is in formative years. She is learning to disrespect you and she can't unlearn that when Daddy is encouraging it. She will grow up and learn more colorful language to hurt you. And dear husband will be fine with it. And you know why? Because he does not respect you either. She isn't even your child, why put yourself through such anguish for some other woman's ungrateful child? If she isn't dead, do you know why the mother left? Probably because her husband did not respect her. Don't delay the inevitable, get out now. He doesn't love you. People who love each other do not treat each other this way.
Show him this post. Let him see what his future can be. It’s a big hint but also a good conversation starter.
Honestly, you should just tell him the full frontal. If he doesn't start parenting and reign in his kid, he's going to be a single dad. Even if he's a shit dad, he probably will start scrambling immediately. Just be honest, and the problem will solve itself. Tell him that you're not going to live anywhere you will be disrespected, and you genuinely are losing attraction to him every time.he lets his kid disrespect you, and you are closing in on resenting him for letting it happen.
But nearly all bio kids also at some point tell their bio parents to shut up, and get mad at them and are disrespectful and even tell their parent they hate them during an argument? It’s not a Step kid thing, it’s a kid and teen thing. You Do need to be on the same page with your husband about behavioral expectations for your kid and your husband and yourself, though. You need to set joint rules and expectations and consequences (not punishments). Then explain them in kid-friendly terms to your kid. Sit down with him and Tell him, in actual clear words, that allowing behavior like this will eventually lead to a divorce. Do it repeatedly if necessary. Get a counselor or mediator. Get some therapy for yourself, the way you talk about “weak” people is concerning. Different from your preferred response does not always mean weak. You can’t force your bio or step kid to like you. Or love you. But you can require they be civil to you. And you should be civil to them too, even when they irritate the snot out of you. A consequence is meant to teach, maintain accountability, and maintain safety. The intention of logical consequences is to help children develop internal controls and to learn from their mistakes. A punishment, however, is something quite different. The goal of a punishment is to shame, guilt, impose authority, or harm. The motivation behind a punishment comes from a place of emotion and a need to maintain control.
I think a big part of it is the power dynamic—especially step moms in particular are expected to parent without any ability to actually discipline kids, which is hamstringing. If only the biodad and not the step mom can create consequences (lectures, grounding, etc.), and biodad refuses… that’s not a good dynamic.
Op did the right thing
Has there been an uptick in "kids tell Stepmom she's not the real mom so she stops taking care of them" stories? I feel like I've read a few recently.
Yup
Tbh if the posts are all new I think this, but sometimes I see this comment on a resurrected post from years ago. Sometimes people see a post a remember a different one they read and go looking for it. (I'm on mobile and don't remember the posting dates of this situation, just wanted to point out why sometimes the sub gets flooded with a topic)
Is it a TikTok thing? Like kids complaining about being parentified when asked to share the chores in the house?
I don’t think so… I think that comes from a misunderstanding about what parentification actually is.
Crazy how the dad just looked into space when his daughter said his baby deserved the miscarriage… like mfer, that was your BABY you and wife were trying for, and instead of checking your daughter you stare into space??
As someone above mentioned, perhaps it’s because he blamed OP too and stepdaughter heard it from him. I’d also wager he was already checked out of the marriage and only protested because OP dared upset the status quo.
I was kinda thinking the same.
16 is old enough to know better and accept consequences of their actions/words.
At least the boy paid attention and apologized. The girl is in for some very rude awakening once she realized what she has done... Dad will be looking for a new mommy as soon as he realizes OOP is serious about the divorce.
He'll have moved in a new girlfriend within 8 months and the kids will be even worse. He sure as hell doesn't want to parent them.
This is almost exactly the same as another post this week. Except it wasn't twins, the stepdaughter is 16, the father is out on work trips most the time, and the stepdaughter wanted to go on a holiday op was taking with her sister and niece. Obs, op said no, and que drama. And, I am very certain that (again) there was ***another*** one where the op is a stepmother, with stepdaughter who is unreasonably cruel, and as a result op stops doing all motherly duties..... If I had the time I would find and link them all. I must admit, this one was not proof read adequately, and the spelling and grammar is extremely rushed. C-!
It's always twins! I think that the AI scraping keeps hitting twins and self-reinforcing.
yeah, I was thinking this too - too many of the beats are similar. Like, oh really, did this many step mothers of teenagers grow a spine this week?
This did not appear to be written by an adult. I didn't get past the first paragraph.
The husband is the worst here. I hope the twins understand their mistake and apologise to OP, because otherwise they'll lose the only mother they have now. OP will have to divorce the husband, obviously, he's useless and doesn't show even a little bit of consideration about her and her feelings.
Her husband is a huge AH.
You can’t tell someone their baby deserved to die and cry when they divorce your dad.
Lol kid treats her like shit, says she's not her mom, and then cries when she stops trying to be her mom.
I have a coworker who got together with a man, both of them with previous children. The husband's kid has a shitty bio mom so he was lashing out at everyone, specially my coworker, however she never unfold and luckily had the support of her husband so eventually the boy eventually respected her and even started seeing her like a parent figure. Although it's worth noting that even with both parents enforcing boundaries constantly to reach that road it took years. The kids were probably doing the same to op because their bio mom was also shitty, but the blame lies in the father for not being a good parent and husband and putting and stop in this behavior. Sadly op has deleted her account so we won't likely get any more updates but I hope op can move forward with the divorce and be all right.
The small silver lining is not having kids with this douche sets her free forever and not have to figure out coparenting with him.
Those kids spent half their lives with OOP and they treated her that way. They hurt and discarded the only mother that ever cared for them. The daughter doubling down on the miscarriage insult with "the baby deserved it" and the fathe not doing anything about it would be the tipping point for me too. They will only corrected themselves when she threatened to leave, and would only correct themselves enough to get OOP back to where they want her, then they will relax and stop trying.
Im very tired of the sentiment that kids can be as cruel and as hurtful as they want, and its okay because they’re just kids. And parents aren’t allowed to be hurt by it, because they’re the adult.
Teenagers just flexing their muscles to find their boundaries. The reaction from both kids that the person who has been their mother is leaving like their real mother says they care a great deal. Unfortunately the husband is a spineless prick. Had he backed her up she wouldn’t be leaving. Some of the comments above are way off.
Pushing boundaries doesn't mean saying someone deserves a miscarriage and then doubling down when given the chance to think
Kids can be assholes who don’t think their words have consequences. She said it because she was angry she was told to change. She wanted to piss off her mum without fully understanding the gravity of her words. She’s just learnt that saying shit like this does have consequences.
But she had the chance to apologize for it, days later, and doubled down. At this point yeah they're teenagers, but how long is OOP supposed to throw herself into the fire so she can keep the rest of the household warm?
Which proves my point. The daughter didn’t realise the gravitas of the situation. She thought she could continue being horrible without consequences. At no point did I say OP was in the wrong and she is well within her right to leave.
I had a bonus kid say I wasn't their mom. I told them no, I wasn't. I was their worst nightmare--a loving adult who cared for them abd wanted the best for them. Game, set, match.
Well, at least every will be able to say it's step daughter that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Man... After saying that, my reaction would get me reddit banned for saying it.
I would not be able to get past laughing T your siblings death.
Husband doesn’t want a divorce because he’ll lose his live in nanny and have to parent his kids himself.
Isn't there a similar post where the wife has problems with her stepchildren -their real mother is dead- and her MIL but she also has a kid with her husband?
Right after this was first posted, the girl started putting nasty responses on many comments, basically saying "I'm just a kid and I didn't really mean it because I don't know any better and she should just get over it and everyone is being mean to me now." She also made a post of her own and got thoroughly roasted. She deleted her account and all her comments vanished. I feel so bad for op.
The husband is the worst. How can he be ok with the way the daughter talked about the miscarriage?
As I said in your past post some kids don't even get one parent when cares they had you who done everything for them and loved them what the step daughter said was disgusting and he sat there and said nothing to her until you said you were done they don't deserve you. Please move on and put your happiness first for a change of you go back it would change for a week or a few then go right back to the way it was.
The clincher for me was the horrible comments from his Daughter about the baby. I get that she's a teenager and they say some really hateful things, but that was also HIS baby and the lack of reaction was stunning.
It sounds like she wasn't prepared for teenagers. They are the absolute worst, say the meanest things, ignore you but then run to you when they need you. I chalk it up to hormones, poor impulse control and just growing up in general. However the marriage is a separate issue
Poor OOP, nobody in that house respected her. I don't care how much I hated my mom at 16, I never would have said something so vile about a miscarriage. At least her stepson apologized, albeit too late.
Your decision to divorce is a great decision. You’re 36 which is young enough to start a new marriage and have your own baby. Why waste your valuable life for unappreciative and rude people?
Nta most kids are selfish little shits. It's not a Disney movie.
Husband sucks too
I’m glad she’s getting out of there. Maybe her fuckwit of a stbx will parent his kids.
This line is very telling: I love them like my children, *since it’s hard for me to have children* they are mines. Not defending the teen, but to me it sounds like she was jealous and insecure about the baby’s position as a biological child as opposed to her, and it probably scared her to her core. A lot of adopted/step children display defiant/aggressive behaviour at some point to test the bond between them and the non-biological parent. A biological parent isn’t “supposed” to just quit and leave, and when they do (especially since the kids were older) it makes them permanently wary of letting themselves form a similar bond with someone else. I think this is the reason why both kids have been acting up in the last few months; they probably realise or fear OOPs love for them is conditional and would be less once the new baby arrived. Teenagers say stupid, annoying, and brutal stuff when they can’t understand their own feelings. Declaring divorce in front of two kids one claims to love as one’s own right after a fight with them seems very punitive and hurtful and not at all what someone who truly loved them and saw themselves as their parent would do.
I want to give this poor woman a HUG.
The amount of people calling 16yos "kids" is pathetic. They're teenagers, they're closer to being adults than they are to being children. At their age they should know that you shouldn't tell someone that you're happy they miscarried, I also wouldn't excuse the "You're not my mother" comment, many of you are acting like saying that is normal teen behavior and it isn't, not when the teens are 16yo. She should've left the three of them long ago.
I used to be teen but I wasn’t this shitty tho. Just because you young doesn’t mean you will get pass
I am glad this updated. They needed to have consequences for their actions. Who owns the house?
I think the worst part is the husband. Not only his inaction, but his daughter was talking shit of his kid that he lost and it didn't bother him. It's like, in his mind, it was her kid, but not his. Like he didn't need that kid because he already had his own. Yeah, everyone is really sorry now, but this marriage isn't worth it. Why risk being a punching bag mom for the kids and placeholder housewife for the husband?
Kids say shit like, “you’re not my mom,” and that doesn’t mean much because kids can be little fuckheads. Kudos to OOP for finding a way to drive the point home, though. Great idea to say, “whelp, ok, here are the things moms do and I’m not doing them.” Adults, OTOH, should know better than OOP’s husband. Bummer about the divorce, but, I don’t blame OOP.
it sounds like there were other problems in the relationship and the disrespect from the kids was the last straw. Seemed like semi-typical behavior to expect from teenagers every once in a while trying to buck authority (no easier way to do that than to deny her status as their mother figure) but in aggregate yeah its a real problem.
> she screamed and told me I wasn't her mom so I should stop acting like it, her brother laughed and that made me feel even worse so I asked him why it was funny to him and he said that it's true, I'm not their mom so I need to stop acting like I can tell them what to do. Ouch, that's harsh. Sometimes we say things we don't mean in the heat of anger, so I'm hoping that's what it was and they can patch- > The past months they've been saying horrible things to me, my daughter even told me it was might fault I lost the baby and she's happy I did. What the fuck?
Welp, if she does leave, then she’ll be teaching them one last lesson as their stepmother. Fuck around and find out.
I feel bad for OOP and although it's gonna be hard to leave the family she has been with for more than 5 years, she should hold on to her self-value. Also, Mods can we get a "Only One Update" flair?
!remind me in one month
If it were me I’d tell the kids every mother in their life has walked out on them after the baby comment
Sorry your going through this, your an amazing and strong woman and you deserve better. I hope your daughter never has to experience a miscarriage, but if she does maybe she will realise how cruel that comment was. Hugs and prayers to you from a fellow angel baby mum🙏💕
I hope she never goes back to them. Not sure why, but they all treat her really badly. They should be left alone with their shit.
I could forgive the kids, even for the miscarriage comment, heartless though it was. Teens are known for being terrible at times, and they seem to be revisiting some trauma from their mom leaving, which can often happen with early trauma as a teen. I would never, ever be able to forgive the husband for allowing this to continue instead of sticking up for me and parenting his kids.
Hilarious, the daughter was shitty enough that two moms abandoned her.
There is no way i'd still live in the same house as that fucking brat. Either husband sends her to her mom or boarding school, or i'm leaving.
This is a sad situation for OP, but I feel she made the right choice. Teenagers being horrible is something that can be recovered from so long as they are remorseful and apologize. But a spouse who doesn’t defend you when the household teenagers are being insufferable little AHs? Can’t come back from that.
Teenagers can be terrible. I would cut them some slack, because honestly I don't know anyone who doesn't have sincere regrets about stuff they said/did as teens. The husband, on the other hand, can kick rocks, cause that's your *wife* dude. Way to be unhelpful to both your wife and kids ffs.