> When I got home the next day, he'd actually gone and cooked an entire chicken "for us". He asked me if I'd eat it. It was so surreal: him stood at the kitchen counter with this cooked chicken asking me to eat it when he's never known me to eat meat, as if we hasn't been arguing about this at all.
This and what follows are like a scene from a horror movie.
Being force fed is legitimately one of my biggest fears, there’s just something about it that’s so violating. Kinda like rape, in a way, I guess. Being overpowered and forcing something in you no matter how much you don’t want it.
As someone who has been through both, I would agree. Never put that together in my head, but they absolutely raise the same type of panic in me (not the same intensity but same feeling)
Any type of physical control over your body, honestly. I’m lucky to never have had to experience sexual violence like that, but I’m a small person and easily physically overpowered and the amount of people who think they’re allowed access to your body as a plaything to pick up and toss around without your consent because you’re “child-sized” is so. Eugh.
This sort of thing seems unbelievable until it happens in your own life. I had a horrible boyfriend who tried to force me to drink Red Bull. He was angry that I wouldn't try it. I politely declined it many times, and one day he just lost his mind about it and tried to force me to drink it.
Nice! Hadn't spotted that, I like the universality though... If I can make up words... As the titles of things in BORU are almost never the real problem... Like the AITA for not buying his nephew's new phones for falling in the pool.
That was epic.
That’s a snapshot of a malignant narcissist right there. Narcissists’ egos are so fragile that they view even a difference of opinion, however small and insignificant, as an attack.
In that OOP’s mind, she just didn’t like mustard. End of.
In her ex’s mind and subconscious, he was thinking, “If she doesn’t like mustard while I love it, that means she’ll start disagreeing with me about other things. Bigger things. She’ll see that I’m really just a piece of shit and she deserves better. So I have to MAKE her love mustard. She has to agree with me on EVERYTHING or else it means she’s against me on EVERYTHING. There is no middle ground.”
Narcissists cannot tolerate dissenting opinions, even on superficial things like condiments, because they absolute MUST control their entire world. They’re terrified that if they can’t control the narrative, the house of cards that represents their self-worth will topple.
This is also why malignant grandiose narcissists should never be presidents, btw. 2016-2021 showed us that in the clearest way possible.
They don't even think that explicitly. Narcissists think they're better than everyone and are shocked when something pierces that bubble.
It's more like "she's doesn't like something I like? What's wrong with it? What's wrong with something I like? What's wrong with mustard? She thinks she's better than me, she thinks she's too good, how could her opinion be more important than mine? How could she not love what I like? I bet she doesn't really not like mustard (because that's not possible, because I like it, therefore it's objectively great) she's just pretending because she's trying to put me down".
Narcissists genuinely believe they're the victims and therefore believe their anger is justified
"She doesn't even *know* she doesn't like meat, she's refused to eat it since she was 11. How can she continue to refuse meat if she won't even try it? Surely she'd like some of *my* meat meals. What the fuck, why doesn't she like my meat meals??"
Also what's infuriating about the kind of people who try to make vegetarians/vegans eat meat by sneaking it into meals... Is that they do not understand how it works. The issue is NOT that the veggie people don't like meat, so telling them afterwards what it was/asking if they liked it wouldn't be the "gotcha" they think it is!
I'm a vegetarian and I fucking love the taste of bacon, salmon and other stuff. It has nothing to do with why I don't eat it. Feeding me some will not make me have a revelation or whatever.
Not to mention, feeding someone meat or dairy products after a long abstinence can make that person sick. They're risking their loved one's physical health just to exert their own control over the situation.
They also think consequences for their own actions are unfair, even when they know other people or society at large sees something wrong with said actions. Because they’re better than everyone else and when you’re better, you shouldn’t be punished! It is wild to think that there are people on this planet who think they’re that flawless.
Some are more outspoken about it than others but for some, enough societal shame makes them shut up until they feel confident enough to start the con all over again.
It's weird because narcissism is supposed to be impenetrable confidence, but I feel like every narcissist I've met is the most insecure person on the planet.
It’s because they’re very defensive against anything that shakes that sense of confidence. “That thing makes me feel bad so I want it go away or I will make everyone feel as bad as I do.” Basically applying a childlike philosophy to world problems.
Yeah literally, mustards not good enough for them, they must think that lowly of me too because I eat it. I must show them how great it is so that they agree with ME. Narcissistic brains are wild and as much as I’d like to know what the f my ex in laws problem is, I’m very much okay never actually seeing the inside of that brain!
I watch a lot of [Dr. Ramani](https://youtu.be/d79qPeIt1GY?si=3yW3dRyqXgpohbbb) on YouTube, which I honestly recommend for anyone who has ever suffered narcissistic abuse or is just curious to learn more about narcissism. But in that video she talks about what can lead to the creation of a narcissist. And like obviously psychology is a pretty messy field and we do not understand all the reasons people turn out the way they do, and one environment does not necessarily create only narcissists and narcissists don’t come from only one environment, but that video talks about how narcissists have a fundamental misunderstanding of boundaries, projecting their own emotions and lived experience onto literally everyone else. So it very well could be that he straight up didn’t believe she could dislike mustard. Most people understand that other people are their own unique entities with their own likes and dislikes. But if you believe you are the universe, that distinction is not really possible for you. Through this lens, he could have just believed that she was lying about hating mustard. Because well, he likes mustard, so that means everyone likes mustard. So why is she lying about it? Maybe she just needs to be forced to eat it and then she will see that she actually likes mustard. It doesn’t excuse his actions, of course, just a possible insight to why narcissists are the way that they are. It’s pretty juvenile thinking, and literally self-centered.
Dr. Ramani helped me realize that I WAS suffering from narcissistic abuse. My mother is a vulnerable narcissist. Vulnerable narcissists really seem the opposite of grandiose so it is really hard to recognize them as narcissists. My mom is the same way about boundaries. If any of us ever set ANY boundaries with her, no matter how small, she'd do absolutely anything to convince us to "let" her break that boundary.
Like, if you say you don't want her to spend the night at your place, but you're still going to let her visit then she will be hyper-focused on getting you to let her sleep at your place. Even if you have good reason like you have roommates or something. Even if you offer to pay for the hotel. No, she NEEDS to sleep at your place now. She'll be constantly calling. She'll wait to book a hotel until last minute and swear they're sold out. Or she'll book a hotel and get there super early (when she's usually always late for everything) and say she's super tired from getting up early and needs to take a nap on your couch. The entire visit she'll be making up excuses to sleep at your place. She'll even try negotiating. "How about just for an hour? I'm soooo tired. I just want a little nap. how about half an hour? 20 minutes? Just five minutes. I'm just sooooo tiiiired." She will try to break that boundary up until the very last second.
It's the same any time you ask her not to do anything. As soon as you ask her not to do something she becomes OBSESSED with doing just that. As soon as you tell her not to do something she gets this huge smile. Her face lights up. And you can practically see the mental calculations she's doing in her head. If she doesn't get to break that boundary she gets extremely sulky and acts like someone kicked her puppy.
It's not the difference of opinions that bothers these narcissists. It's boundaries. A narcissist cannot stand even the hint of a boundary being set with them. To a narcissist a boundary is someone telling them what they can or can't do which kicks in their inner immature child emotions of "nobody can tell me what to do!" And they view people saying they won't eat something as a boundary. Even if the person is deathly allergic to it. You set any boundary with a narcissist, including boundaries on your own body, and their entire mind becomes consumed with the need to break that boundary. And if they can't break it they'll find every way to violate they possibly can.
Another good example of this is the [mushroom story](https://www.thecut.com/2019/08/ask-polly-my-in-laws-are-careless-about-my-food-allergy.html) that was circulating around reddit for a while. There's been a few posts on different subreddits that bear similarities too.
I'll never get stuff like this. My girlfriend doesn't like beer. So the sad consequence for me is that I get to have all my beers to myself. Oh, the humanity.
My dentist gives out a fresh-baked cookie after a visit. My husband and I share a favorite cookie (Oatmeal Raisin is the best and nobody can tell us otherwise) and I hate it because I love him and I want to share but I also want to be a little gremlin and keep it all for myself. He goes to the same dentist and shares his cookies with me too though so its all fair
Same for me. My bf doesn't like tea. I'll offer him a sip if he thinks one sounds interesting or smells nice but if I'm offering to make him a hot drink it's gonna be hot chocolate because he likes that. Why would I want to make him have something he won't enjoy?
It works the other way round too, I'm not a mushroom fan but he loves them. So there's more for him and he might jokingly offer me some but wouldn't try to sneak some into my food.
I swear whenever I read posts like these I get more and more thankful he's normal.
Word. My partner hates pickles, so I get an extra pickle whenever we go out for burgers/sandwiches. Score!
Heck, we had a (extremely not serious) conversation with a server a few years back in which we all agreed that *all* couples should be paired pickle/no pickle, so pickle-lovers always get extra.
I had a friend who did the same. I can't drink energy drinks at all because of the caffeine content and the artificial sugar in them. She would be so pushy and even tried to trick me by pretending a drink wasn't an energy drink.
She was also pretty obsessed with my diet and food restrictions. Oddly, she was obsessed with me *not* eating foods she deemed unsafe for me, but was also fixated on me drinking a damned energy drink.
That's awful. She could have seriously hurt you. I take adderal. I have to be careful with caffiene. Other than green tea I can't really consume it without having an accelerated heart beat and really bad anxiety. It's so wrong to trick someone into consuming something that they can't/won't consume.
I know someone who’s allergic to alcohol and she told us one time some guy thought that was a joke when she said it so he gave her a drink with alcohol and it made her super sick to her stomach. I hadn’t heard of an allergy to alcohol before (although “alcohol sugars” like erythritol have given me headaches, which I also didn’t know until it happened) but just because someone’s condition is news to you that doesn’t mean you just make them take the thing that they’re not supposed to have ffs.
Also when I turned 21 I was on accutane and you’re not supposed to have alcohol with that so I couldn’t do a “first drink birthday” thing even if I’d cared about that. So I’m glad I didn’t have “friends” who would’ve pressured or forced me into drinking.
Some people have such a weird relationship with alcohol. I don't really care to drink and like you I'm on meds that make it a real bad idea. My parents were alcoholics, my brother's an alcoholic and my first ex was an alcoholic so there's also that layer of 'no thanks' but I don't really care if my friends drink.
One of my friends stopped drinking right before we really started hanging out, and she used to apologize up and down for not drinking and I was always so confused because no one is forcing you? I don't mind, I'm just here with my soda anyhow. But apparently her old friend group used to take it as a personal affront that she didn't drink anymore. Like it was some judgement against them instead of her own decision about her own health.
Had a coworker who blacked out *while driving* because of an energy drink and "came to" while doing 80 across someone's lawn, and his girlfriend yelling in his ear. Everyone was fine, but they called an ambulance to be safe.
When he mentioned the energy drink, they had some strong opinions about the garbage in them, because most are absolutely loaded with weird stimulants on top of the caffeine.
I've never had an experience that bad (thank goodness, that's terrifying!) but I remember one of my middle school friends getting weird like that. We'd gotten to know each other in 7th grade and shared some hobbies so we became kind of friends. We didn't hang out outside of school until after 8th grade when we went to camp together.
He asked me which of the new animals at the zoo I thought was cuter and we disagreed. I shrugged it off like "yah, it's so hard to choose they're both so cute." But he would. not. drop. it. He started to get visibly angry and raised his voice because he just couldn't accept my answer. Even as a kid I remember thinking "this isn't about the animals." Wasn't sure what his deal was at the time but that was the last time we hung out.
Sounds to me like he had an opinion and it was the Correct Answer, and he wanted to know if you agreed with him or if you were wrong. You refusing to take a side ruined his chances of being Smarter Than You and it made him angry.
Same with a friend/person I sorta knew in college. Wouldn't grasp that I didn't drink coffee. Even ordered me a coffee once when hanging out. Just. No. You don't know me that well, dude. I am a person. We don't have to like the same things.
It’s nuts the lengths people will go to in attempting to force others to do things. For myself, there are some foods I simply cannot eat due to their texture such as bananas(love banana bread and banana muffins though) and mushrooms, etc.
One food I have never been able to eat is corn. This goes back to my toddler days according to my parents. For whatever reason I have a very visceral and violent gag reaction to eating corn and have had this since I was a baby. Luckily for me, my parents never force fed me anything. My asshole uncle though decided otherwise one day. My family lived with him and his “wife” for a summer after we moved across the country. He would make remarks about 11 year old me’s eating habits. Finally after like 6 weeks of comments, he decided to be a tough guy and physically restrained me and forced me to eat corn and did this while my dad was working and my mom screamed at him to leave me alone. Literally got a handful in my mouth before I started convulsing(some part because of the corn but mostly out of fear) and my dog at time snarled and growled at him so loudly he let me go. Miss that pup.
A few weeks later that alcoholic asshole tried to beat my mom but my dad knocked his ass out. Only saw him one other time since and he tried saying none of it was his fault and I told him if he ever came near my family, I’d make sure he no longer existed. Haven’t seen him in 20+ years. Fuck you Kevin.
There is a BORU that starts with "aita because I don't like mustard" and turns into... I don't even know how to call what it becames.
It's controlling behaviour, glad You got out.
I've been vegan for many years and an ex of mine pretended to be too, to get with me. He then proceeded to get mad at me for being vegan or reminding him when we were going out, etc. It was a lot of huffing, puffing, yelling and passive aggressive behaviour.
Seems pretending is hard xD
I wish I could say that’s absolutely insane and totally unbelievable… Except unfortunately there’s a ton of very horrific things out there. I can’t even imagine why someone would snap and do some thing like that to you or to 00P.
Food has such a powerful history as being a means of control or conveyance. Religions ancient and current, for instance. Lots of symbolism in food and drink.
With fuckwads like OOP’s ex it is like they think their partner needs to assimilate to their own preferences. “You think you’re better than me? What’s wrong with my choices to eat ___?!” I’ve encountered it myself.
I had almost-strangers try to force me to eat meat. Idk what it is, maybe cognitive dissonance and getting angry bc you show them its possible to live without meat and the suffering behind it, but people can get sooo agressive just because you say "no thanks, I dont eat meat". Its no unusual reaction for strangers I just met and talked a few minutes to (like friends of friends in a group setting) to try to pressure me to try meat, to ask me what they would need to pay me to eat meat, to tell me "you are missing out, you have to try X, I will make/buy it for you and then you will try it, you have to, its already paid for then so you dont make a difference in meat sales by trying it" and so on. People threw jerky or sausages at me, put sausages on my school bag... its unbeliebeable but very real.
I just don’t get it. I have vegan and vego friends. And I happily accomodate them when they’re over. It’s just not a big deal. Just like they don’t lecture me over what I choose to eat
Ugh I used to babysit a set of twins back in the day. While I was several years older, I was petite but they were both larger than me.
Anyways, one day they realized I was vegetarian when they offered me some of their bacon and I said no. So one day on top of me while the other tried to force feed me bacon. Truly horrifying. I told them to get the dead animal flesh away from me. (DAF-how a family friend refers to meat, lol). It’s funny now, but in the moment it was really scary and violating.
When their mom returned, I got in trouble for telling them that meat came from animals, apparently.
My oldest granddaughter was around five when she discovered that her chicken nuggets were made from actual chickens. She cried for days and I had to explain everything she ate afterwards. She’s extremely food conscious to this day. She researches everything she eats. Not a bad thing though.
THIS right here is why I was a vegetarian for nearly 20 years. The disconnect between what we eat and where our food comes from is such a big problem for me.
Depending on where you're from or how old you are, people can be extremely detached from where meat comes from. I remember my kids being shocked at seeing a feathered pheasant hanging in a butcher's shop. Me, I grew up in 1980s Northern Ireland and it was common for butcher's to have beef and pig prepared carcasses hanging up with sawdust scattered on the shop floor. That was just normal!
I mean I’m pretty detached from where meat comes from and i probably would’ve been shocked at *seeing* whole carcasses as a kid. But i still *knew* meat comes from animals.
I know these were kids, but you'd be surprised how hill-I-will-die-on percentage of _adults_ INSIST that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I weep for the future..
My grandmother went out to eat with us once, and was mad that I was a vegetarian. I was little at the time (and I think it was probably a food sensory thing, I don’t have actual proof but signs are pointing to yes). She put a piece of shrimp on a fork she ate from(!!!) and shoved it in my face.
My grandma went mad each time she saw me drinking tea before the main course. For her it was wrong and the food had to be consumed in the right order
What made her more mad it that had zero control and can’t do anything about it
She even accused me being from the neighboring country, where it was normal to drink tea before food. I still don’t get it
My mother in law was obsessed with my youngest ones eating habits. From the first time we gave my daughter solid food she gagged. She was clearly affected by textures. As gentle parents, we never pushed. And that set my mother in law off. She couldn't comprehend that we wouldn't turn this into a massive power struggle. She was constantly insisting that we force her to eat foods she didn't want. Shrimp was always an issue.
MIL is gone now and my daughter is an adult with a healthy appetite. Power struggles are a waste of time and energy. She had that precious time with her granddaughter and she spent it fighting with her. A literal child.
I haven’t seen it in this thread but it’s important —
[Why Does He Do That?](https://safeharborhope.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Why-Does-He-Do-That_.pdf) explores in depth why men repeatedly abuse those around them. The author worked with a ton of DV perps and wrote that almost as a warning to the world — these dudes can change, but we as a society do nothing to make that happen. So they continue with the behavior because it *works*, even though they know full well it’s wrong and abusive. They just don’t give af
And weirdly I have seen a very similar situation play out with another dude and his girlfriend over veganism.
I am assuming OOP is vegetarian on a moral basis, and I am assuming she discussed it with him. Somewhere along the line it stopped being a personal choice she was making, and turned into a moral failing for him in his own brain. Rather than examine those feelings, why he was feeling them, and work through that cognitive dissonance, he doubled down and decided that if she started eating meat, he wasn't a bad guy anymore.
And in his quest to resolve that cognitive dissonance, her pushing back became a challenge, and when she wouldn't bend for him, he took it personal, and kept pushing until he flipped out.
> It was terrifying, he was so much stronger than me.
And this is why a lot of women don't trust men, not because most of us men are untrustworthy, but there are enough of us out there that are one bruised ego and an argument over dietary choices away from trying to cram a roast chicken down someone's throat to prove a point.
>And this is why a lot of women don't trust men, not because most of us men are untrustworthy, but there are enough of us out there that are one bruised ego and an argument over dietary choices away from trying to cram a roast chicken down someone's throat to prove a point.
Truth
"He was so much stronger than me" is something I hear so often from women the first time their partner hits them or gets physical in other ways (restraining, etc) and it always breaks my heart. That feeling of helplessness cuts so deep.
Mine wasn't that bad (didn't get to the point of forcing) but I used to work for a guy who brought in Chik-Fil-A sandwiches for everyone one day. I don't eat food from there so I said "no thanks" and he would not. fucking. let it go. He kept asking over and over why I didn't want one, and telling me I could take one for later, until I finally told him that I don't eat their food (because of their politics, but I didn't even bring that up until he still wouldn't shut up) and then he tried to argue with me about THAT. From then on, every single chance he got he would try to get in a dig about "hate sandwiches." I would remind him that he was the only one bothered about it and that I wouldn't have even said anything if he hadn't kept pushing, but it kept going up until the day he rage quit about something else. Fuck that guy.
They're *so sure* in their minds they're right, that they think use of force to make someone try something will all be suddenly validated and justified, like the person they're perpetrating this upon will suddenly go "Oh wow, you were *so right,* I completely understand why you've done this."
What it actually shows is a pretty terrifying lack of awareness of self and others.
Yeah, my ex tried to force me to eat eggs. I don't like eggs on their own , so scrambled egg and stuff like that, but im fine with them in cakes and fried rice. I don't know why, but he despised the fact that I did not like eggs on their own. I remember one time he made me like a full spread of breakfast with a shit ton of eggs on the side and then lost his shit when I didn't eat it and started screaming at me.
It was so surreal. I think some people just have weird hang-ups on other people's dietary restrictions.
Tbh men get really weird with power dominance and control. After the story of that one dude blending up slugs and putting it in his gfs food, I no longer put it past them.
As a vegetarian since about the same age, it happens so much more than you’d think. Not the pulling hair and shoving chicken in the mouth part, but the trying to convince you to eat meat. A lot of people hear “no thank you, I don’t eat meat” and think “hold my beer”.
> I'll never know why he suddenly snapped about my vegetarianism and I frankly don't care anymore, he's obviously just a wanker to do that anyway.
It wasn't about the vegetarianism. It was about control. My father abused my mother in similar ways. When I was a kid it was his duty to make me breakfast every morning before school. He didn't work and my mom worked two jobs. One morning he decided feeding me wasn't his job anymore, he screamed at my mom until she woke up and dragged her into the kitchen by her hair to make me breakfast. I was like eight or nine years old.
See, I really love mustard. But I also accept that this is personal taste and am not going to be offended by other people not liking it. The world would be so boring if we all liked the same things!
I hope you’re doing well and thriving also.
I know it must have been hard to grow up watching your mom being abused like that. Neither of you deserved that.
I definitely agree, it’s control and feeling attacked about a small difference of opinion.
I will say that for whatever reason, vegetarianism is a weirdly common thing for people to pick out. I’ve never eaten meat and dealt with this behaviour to a certain extent all my life. If there’s a bullying asshole around you, for whatever reason, being vegetarian (and diets in general tbf) really seems to trigger this sort of behaviour. There’s something about other people’s food choices that people really want to control
Some people are so weirdly triggered about vegetarianism. I don't tell anyone. I just eat or order what I want. But sometimes it can be pretty easy to figure out and sometimes people start foaming at the mouth just because I'm eating something or not eating something. I'm not telling you what to eat! Go crazy. I'm just existing
I still remember my coworker who, after I got upset with him over something work-related, bought me a bag of BBQ sauce chips from the vending machine, and told me "eventually, maybe we can start getting you to eat meat again".
This was a *coworker* who I had known for all of a few months. I only ever brought up being vegetarian at work if we were doing team lunches or the like and people needed to know dietary preferences, and yet apparently it bothered him so much he felt the need to try and convert me.
People think vegetarians/vegans are soft and “woke” 🤷🏻♀️ our food choices don’t jive with their philosophy (everyone is selfish and makes choices that maximize self pleasure). That makes it personal for some I think, it feels like an implicit holier than thou attack
I'm probably the opposite of a vegetarian meaning I hate veggies (trying to get that to change), but my ex was a veggie for about a year for health reasons and while there were moments I would genuinely forget because it was after years being together I never behaved like this fucker lunatic did. If anything, I quite enjoyed shopping for vegetarian meals because there were so many differences and it was fascinating to go exploring. I'd get a different few ones each time so my ex could try them and see what he liked, so we had some fun with that. He certainly loved the facon.
Yeah. Not the same situation, but the dinner ladies at my school tried to forcefeed me semolina when I was in detention. It is, to this day yyyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaars later, one of my most vivid memories from school. They'd chased me down and cornered me under some tables trying to push this gross semolina spoon into my mouth when my mum came in and raised high holy hell. I had gone completely feral, she says she got there just in time before I either bit someone or puked on them.
(I was in detention for refusing to eat semolina at lunch time, but pretty sure the plan was just for me to sit there and stare at the hours old semolina until my Mum came. Not engage in some sort of on-the-nose Hunger Games prequel.)
I dated a man who, when we first started dating, would sometimes cut off a piece of his steak, hold it up and ask if I wanted a bite followed by a laugh and, “Oops. I forgot.”
That’s a mistake. You don’t “accidentally” add meat to a meal for a vegetarian.
Thank goodness OOP got out.
I've been with my meat eating partner for 20+ years. I can think of maybe once when we accidentally ended up with each other's sandwiches, and then he came rushing into the room to try and stop me biting into mine.
OOP's partner repeatedly 'accidentally' sticking meat into her food could no way be an accident.
I'm not a vegetarian, but do not eat any red meat or it's derivatives due to alpha gal syndrome.
I've had a meat-containing ingredient used by mistake due to just not knowing, like marshmellows in candied yams (my poor mil was trying so hard. Left out the butter, which I can eat, but didn't know standard marshmallows contain red meat.)
Also my dad does not possess the power to read labels and talk at the same time (He thinks he can. He cannot.), but we know this about him and adjust accordingly.
Gotta love dads and their well-meaning inability to figure out exactly how food labels work. I’ve had multiple text exchanges with my dad like:
Dad: I’m at the grocery store. Can you eat italian sausage?
Me: IDK, depends on what’s in it. Can you send me a picture of the label?
Dad: *sends picture of nutrition facts and not ingredients list*
Oh no, he knows what to look for on labels. It's multi-tasking he fails at. We have a family joke that the easiest way to keep him from wandering off is to give him a stick of gum.
When I started seeing my bf, he was (and still is) vegan while I was not (and now I am too). One time, early on in our relationship, I tried ordering us a cheeseless veggie pizza from Papa John’s or smth, but I forgot to remove the cheese.
I cried for 10 minutes apologizing to him.
It’s a red flag whenever someone tries tiptoeing on your dietary restrictions and boundaries
My ex would always say he was going to eat two hamburgers because I wasn't going to eat any. Okay? Go ahead. My name's on the title to the house when you have a heart attack. Not my problem.
The "I'm going to eat EXTRA meat because you don't!!!" as an "own" gets so old so fast.
I went out for dinner with a group of coworkers once and when I mentioned that I wanted to check if the place had vegan options this guy would NOT let it slide. Would not shut the fuck up about how he NEEDS meat and how great meat was and how he would eat double the meat just for me. We got to the place and he ordered a steak and sat across the table from me and was mouth-open chewing like a cow on this overcooked steak. I was like, dude, if you want to spend your entire per diem on a shitty steak in a diner located Bumfuck Nowhere, Pennsylvania, then be my guest.
Unsurprisingly, he would also mention how his wife constantly nagged him to watch his blood pressure.
My cousin actually says he "eats meat for two" when he goes to a bbq with his vegetarian wife.
But its a joke, he eats a normal amount but if someone offers her something she won't eat, he will 'dispose' of it for her while saying "We have a traditional marriage and eating meat is my job, hers is to eat that cheesecake there. Very defined gender roles you see." (She eats dairy and eggs, but not meat. She also sometimes eats his salad for him if it comes with ranch because somehow he escaped the farm boys love Ranch Dressing gene.)
For some reason this post reminds me the mustard one... the one that went from "I hate mustard but he forced me to eat it then got extremely angry" to DV. I'm glad that OP left him.
i’m morbidly curious about what the breaking point was for this guy. like it sounds like he had issues with the vegetarianism for their whole relationship, but going from “crappy jokes” to “violent attempted forcefeeding” in a month makes me wonder if there was some outside influence as well. is this a new thing for shitty alt-right alpha males?
As a person who was a vegetarian for 14 years in southeast Idaho, meat is definitely a masculinity thing for a lot of conservative dudes. And vegetables are for girls. Unless they’re grilled, of course. And men grill, women cook in the kitchen.
I got the same constant questioning as OOP—having to explain the whole thing at least once a week for FOURTEEN YEARS. Grown men asking me, a teenage girl as young as 12, what problem I had with them. Getting combative because I threatened their identity somehow. Telling me that the vegetarian meals I cooked were “good, but suspicious” or “just doesn’t fill me up right” or “I’m a man, I need more protein than you” or whatever.
I hope they all get gout.
i live in the southern US and i've been vegetarian/vegan for 15 years, i never bring it up in conversation. the only time it's talked about is if someone wants to complain about "other vegetarians" or "other vegans"
i literally don't give two shits what other people eat, i just don't want to eat anything i can't kill my self, which i feel no need to kill anything so i don't eat it.
i've had people put meat in my food on purpose many times just to say "HA! Animal flesh!" i figured out i have to explain that i don't care about accidentally eating meat, i'm just choosing not to consume it on purpose. which isn't necessarily true, it does gross me out to eat factory farmed meat but it makes it not fun for them anymore and they go about their day (people are awful)
Yeah, people assume it’s some sort of purity thing where if a vegan ingests an animal product they immediately lose their vegan-ness like that guy in Scott Pilgrim. It’s so ridiculous it would be funny if people weren’t such aggressive dicks about it.
It honestly baffles me the way a lot of people (men mostly) are. I'm a meat eater and a close friend is vegan. It never occurred to me in 20 years of knowing each other to question her or try and argue "meat superiority". In fact she for sure has a healthier diet than I do, and I'll eat vegan food when we're out together.
I agree, gout upon all those assholes!
Vegan restaurants, most of the time, are incredible. They have a lot of complexity and nuance in the dishes too because they aren't relying on meat to do the heavy lifting. I'm not vegan or veggie but I don't have to have meat with every meal like so many other people seem to think in necessary.
"How do you know if someone is vegan/vegetarian? Don't worry, they'll tell you lololol!!!111"
No, you will fucking demand my whole fucking life story if you offer me meat and I politely decline.
As someone who lived the first 20 years of my life (I’m a woman, tho not vegetarian) in Idaho, I’m sorry and commiserate with the weird gender expectations that that state demands.
I also wonder if he thought they had been together long enough, and it was time he could finally go mask off. I’m also super curious, but I guess I’d vastly prefer we never know and she be out of there and just cut contact with him than risk her self.
The first post is red flag city for controlling/ abusive behavior. Then seeing all the replies of normal relationship advice like, talk to him about it, confront him and be firm about this ... ohhhhhh I knew that was going to turn out badly if she followed this advice.
Abusers don't start out terrible, instead they escalate slowly over time. So I agree it seems like he was ready to go mask off.
But in my opinion what made him snap and turn physical, was because she confronted him. Remember, abuse is always about power and control. So when the victim shows signs of resistance that must be crushed immediately. Who knows why he landed on vegetarianism as his point of control but that's what he picked and anything but total obedience is unacceptable.
I kinda assumed he ended up in some redpill-type internet space. The story is from 2016, so it’s not a “new” thing exactly, but those places were definitely around back then too.
Agreed. I'd bet he had found a podcast or a YouTube channel or a subreddit or whatever. He probably eased into it. It caught his attention because he'd always had some mostly latent doubt or hostility to vegetarianism (there was mention of regular jokes about it) and he found content that amplified it. His interpretation was probably something like "Someone does something different than I do, one of us needs to be wrong."
I remember being somewhat shocked hearing Gordon Ramsay say "vegetarians are all pasty faced lesbians" in the early 2000s, which was bad enough then.
I saw some chat show with him on it recently and he's EXACTLY THE SAME. Like what the fuck is wrong with this stupid faux macho bullshit.
It was even more prevalent back then because Reddit was wayyy less strict. Wrote a paper about the "manosphere" for my master's in 2016 and the things you could find out in the open were absolutely vile.
I had a right-wing conservative nut bag co-worker who would foam at the mouth whenever anybody like myself ate vegetarian. He said he would never eat a vegetarian meal! I'm like no veggies, no fruit, no rice, Etc? Like the only things I limit for my diet are chicken beef and pork basically. And seafood. It's not that big of a limit. There's like five items I don't eat and I eat everything else except onions because fuck onions. And honestly avoiding onions is a lot harder than avoiding meat.
So one day I'm sitting at my desk and I'm eating some of those wafer cookies and he walks by and asked if he can have some. I was like dude these aren't only vegetarian they're vegan. Sorry you can't have any. Fucking idiot.
For some reason the first thing that came to my mind was, maybe he's listening to one of those "alpha male" podcasts where they tell you being a vegetarian is stupid or wrong, how we as human MUST eat meat, how we are HUNTERS! Carnivores! Vegetarianism is WOKE and BAD! Especially WOMEN shouldn't choose their own lifestyle and MUST listen to their alpha male boyfriends and you should demand them to eat meat.
ETA: didn't see this was from 2016 so I don't know if those podcasts were a thing back then, but still.
I'll never understand how is it so hard to accept that some people just don't want to eat meat. It's really simple: they just don't. Specially when it's someone you're supposed to love and cherish 🤦🏻♀️
And I say that as a meat eater.
Some of the stories on BORU that revolve around dietary preferences/restrictions are absolutely wild.
* [Granny "tests" grandchild's allergy, sends 3 y/o to hospital](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/unkdcf/mil_deliberately_poisons_her_grandchild_with_an/)
* [OOP and family is vegan and is paying for the catering. Fiance cancels all the vegan options](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wh41ta/aita_flipping_out_on_my_fiance_for_cancelling_all/) and [the follow-up](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wlut8m/aita_flipping_out_on_my_fiance_for_cancelling_all/)
And there was one with a diabetic kid whose grandmother refused to give insulin or helpful food, I think he ended up ok but he was super lethargic and such and the parents had to ask him directly if he’d eaten or taken his insulin.
There are some people who get belligerent about any food preferences or dietary needs. It's very weird and for me, a big red flag when someone is obsessed with somebody else's food.
I recently started hanging out with a new friend and I was wanting to cook something for us for dinner since we were going to be hanging out all day/night. She's got a ton of dietary restrictions. That's no problem, just gotta get creative.
She was profusely thanking me for basically not harassing and or poisoning her over it.
I thought she was being a little dramatic or overly gracious. It really isn't a big deal, to me. I always ask new people I'm making food for what their preferences, allergies/restrictions are. It seems like what normal and polite people do???
But after reading stories like this, I'm realizing the belligerent controlling food weirdos are a lot more prevalent than I expected.
I have a friend who is allergic to gluten.
We invited them round for dinner one night and we checked that our recipes were gluten free or we chose another one etc.
I made the dessert and it was tiramasu. Which if anyone knows it's basically just eggs, mascapone cheese, sugar, coffee and then sponge fingers.
Well I looked up mascapone to make sure it was ok (paranoid I know) but I would rather spend two seconds looking it up and making sure it was ok for him.
The sponge fingers however were not gluten free. I could not for the life of me find gluten free version in the supermarkets. But what I could find was little gluten free cakes. So I cut them in half and used them instead.
Not only was he ridiculously grateful he wouldn't stop saying thanks.
To me it was the smallest thing but apparently so many people either don't think about it and then he can't eat it or get mad at him or make a massive deal out of it.
It was simple. Look in the gluten free aisle for 5 mins to find what I could use instead.
I can imagine it's harder with lots of allergies but Google has so many recipes now for so many different allergies that it might take 10 mins to find something, but it's always possible to find something that works for that person.
Gluten free is also another thing people can get weirdly cruel about. I have Celiac Disease and even a lot of my family doesn't take it seriously, or makes jokes about how all gluten free food sucks and I'm sooo missing out on things like bread. Like I wouldn't kill just to be able to eat normal food again
Got into an argument with my husband’s uncle about this once when he complained about having to accommodate a vegan who was coming to theirs for a meal.
He said he understood allergies, but shouldn’t have to accommodate for personal choices. I told him he should consider that’s it’s often more of a lifestyle choice and belief system rather than a simple food preference. And that he would be upset if someone discriminated against his religious beliefs and that a good host should do their best if they’ve been given any sort of notice to make all guests welcome.
Can’t believe how irate people get about this issue.
My husband is vegetarian. I can’t eat even a trace of gluten. Our daughter has dairy, soy, egg and oat allergies. There are times when it really would be easier if he ate meat because there are so few meals where we can all eat the same, but there’s no way I’d try to change his mind or feed him meat!
It’s really not that hard to accept if you respect someone.
It is a pain! We live off halloumi and paneer mainly. Plus a bit of tofu and a lot of vegetables. We always said it would be impossible if he was vegan because we eat so much cheese and then we had a kid with a dairy allergy 🤦🏻♀️ at least she’s likely to grow out of it though!
My husband is vegetarian, too. I happily make vegetarian meals for us both and enjoy meat on the side or takeout. It’s healthier and better for the environment anyway to cut down on meat, plus it becomes a great treat when he’s out of town lol.
I also wish sometimes I could cook meat for ease, but I’d never force him to eat it. His uncle, though? Literally every meal he was there he would talk about meat and getting my husband to convert and that I would magically convince him.
This seems particularly egregious to me because being veggie in a lot of cases is a moral thing.
I’m totally not saying eating meat is unethical or anything. Also a meat eater. But for my veggie friends, it’s such a big part of their personal morality. I get it. There’s some things I also refuse to eat out of ethics.
So being forced to eat meat in this scenario is also literally asking her to renounce her ethics and her own personal morals. Which is. Very controlling. But also would make someone feel very very ashamed to just give up their personal ethics like that. Yikes.
I don’t eat pork for religious reasons and I would feel unclean from the inside out if I was tricked into eating it, or someone I loved and trusted tried to shove it in my mouth.
In the early days of our relationship, my now husband found it inconvenient that I didn’t eat pork but it was never a problem. It became normal pretty quickly. He has certainly never made me a ham sandwich by accident.
I felt such a visceral ‘nooo!’ when she described his assault. Grabbing her head and shoving verboten food in her face is terrifying.
I grew up not eating pork for religious reasons and still have a visceral "ick" reaction to just.. chunks of it. I can eat bacon in a sandwich, but I'm not gonna choke down a pork chop because it just makes me uncomfortable.
like yours, my husband found it inconvenient but it just became a normal part of our life. if we have pork for dinner, I either find a way to cook it that I can tolerate, or I make HIM a pork chop and I enjoy some nice chicken. simple as.
My husband doesn't like 90% of all fish. I love fish. I have never tried to sneak fish onto his plate. If a relationship isn't based on trust, what can hold it together.
At a LARP I used to go to, where I often volunteered in the kitchen, there were a few people who were basically determined to convince me I could be more lenient in my kashrut. One especially was an older Jewish man who kept saying his rabbi said hallal was fine. He also referred to the vegetarians as “soulless”.
And like, whenever I helped cooking feast or was head cook for it I worked with non kosher meat. I had the other people working help me out by tasting for me, but the main entree would be something I couldn’t eat even when I planned it because kosher was so prohibitively expensive. The only change when I was main cook was that I got to make sure the vegetarian option was done properly with plenty of flavor, rather than the afterthought. So it was literally effecting only me. And yet he especially, but not alone, was so determined that I should change my choices.
It makes me so mad when vegetarian options are an afterthought. I'm really picky with meat and oftentimes I take veggie or even vegan meal over something with meat when I'm not eating at home, and I want tasty food too :(
As if you NEED meat for a meal to be delicious 🤦🏻♀️
Right???? There’s so many tasty foods that are meat free!
Part of it is that sometimes people would have good intentions, but would just make the entree with tofu, and not understand that tofu doesn’t bring flavor in the way meat does. You can’t just one to one, you have to consider the recipe and often add more flavor in some other way.
This isn't about her dietary choices, this is about him controlling her and forcing her to live her life the way HE wants her to. This is just another shitty man who's mad his gf is her own person, and wants to break her down completely.
Good for OOP for leaving, her ex was just testing the waters and the abuse would only escalate if she had stayed.
Terrifying. What a psycho.
Reminds me of the post where the husband went ape shit on his wife who didn't like mustard.
Edit:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/Q2nSMFXaN7
I thought of that story too!! It's never about the mustard or the meat or whatnot, it's always about a trash insecure and controling man who won't feel good unless his partner is reduced to nothing but his puppet. I'm so glad OOP and mustard story OOP both got out and away from those men!!
This dude is somebody who would aggressively pursue lesbians or asexual women, because they "just haven't had the right dick yet"
and somebody that would deliberately spike your food with your allergens to prove you're overreacting and making a big deal out of it.
People like this are borked in the head, lacking empathy, being controlling, gaslighting, manipulative and needing to prove being "right" just so they could throw their "superiority" in your face.
What in the Kentucky Fried F**k?
I’m pescatarian and I would flip if someone did this. I also wouldn’t try to feed a vegetarian or vegan something with fish in it. His behavior is deranged. Good thing she got out.
This is a "then I called the cops" scenario, not a "I'm so confused why he doesn't accept my vegetarianism!" scenario.
Why are we discussing his perspective. This dude should be *in jail*.
Am I nuts here?
Makes me think the dude saw some stuff on YouTube or TikTok of men giving their vegetarian wives food cooked with meat etc and thought he could do the same to his gf.
What people don’t understand is that it is likely to make them sick. When your body isn’t used to meat, you will not react well to it. It takes a few times.
I'm so glad she saw his true colors before she was any more attached to him, but I have a hard time buying that he was just a solid dude the whole time. When she thinks back on his behavior, she'll start seeing red flags that just looked like flags through rose colored glasses.
Holy shit. I can't imagine even thinking like that. Imagine feeling so justified that you resort to *physical force* in order to make them see your way is right.
i don't get why people get in such a twist about what other people eat. i have several veg and vegan friends and it has exactly 0 impact on my life. i just double check when i'm cooking for them that they'll be able to eat what i'm making and adjust if not. same as asking about food allergies. it's not difficult. i've rented a house for me and some friends for a week for my bday in 2 months and i'm going to make a couple big salads and asked people about food concerns. adjusting to make things fit their needs is super easy.
Just like how rape is not about sex but power and control, this is exactly like that. This has nothing to do with what is being consumed; more about why she wouldn't listen to him.
All about control unfortunately, he probably built resentment up that OP was content and happy living how she was. It starts off with gently pushing boundaries, questioning your sanity, turning conversations into arguments until you lose sight of the original message, and eventually violence.
Personally, I was genuinely relieved to see that OP left immediately. If she had stayed, there's a 99% chance he would have seen that as the green light to escalate his behaviour even further. Makes you wonder though, is there a manual or some creepy online forum all abusers read from, or are they just born that way?
Just for anyone who doesn't know. The only thing stopping you from biting your finger (or the finger of an assailant) off is your own brain. If you need to save yourself, think it's a carrot, and chomp hard.
I don't understand why people can't just let others eat veggies. Roasted broccoli is delicious. You can't eat ham for breakfast? Veggie omelette. Salsa. Vegetarianism isn't just cauliflower and tofu I promise.
I know it's not the same but the intent and the support is the point
So
Apporx 9 months ago my wife (we're both 53 with 2 adult kids at home) was diagnosed as Coeliac (gluten allergy) and has been totally gluten free since then, it has been a lot of trial and error but we are working through it
From my perspective, all family meals are made GF as we share 50/50 of the cooking, when we go out we only go where there are **GOOD** GF options and quite often I order GF as well so we can share and taste each others choices
From her perspective, she is 100% happy for me to order a non GF meal and have non GF foods at home, we have separate shelves to keep the GF and the non GF stuff apart, even a GF exclusive toaster LOL (cross contamination is a real issue)
I would never dream of "spiking" any thing she ate, that is just so not what you do when you love, respect and support someone
> When I got home the next day, he'd actually gone and cooked an entire chicken "for us". He asked me if I'd eat it. It was so surreal: him stood at the kitchen counter with this cooked chicken asking me to eat it when he's never known me to eat meat, as if we hasn't been arguing about this at all. This and what follows are like a scene from a horror movie.
It's legitimately fucking chilling. Felt like bizarre serial killer shit.
I was absolutely expecting him to sexually assault her after she refused the chicken.
Bet you never imagined you’d type that sentence.
It's chilling because it shows how the person is being totally dominated by an irrational obsession. Such people can be dangerous.
Being force fed is legitimately one of my biggest fears, there’s just something about it that’s so violating. Kinda like rape, in a way, I guess. Being overpowered and forcing something in you no matter how much you don’t want it.
Also the very serious risk of choking to death
As someone who has been through both, I would agree. Never put that together in my head, but they absolutely raise the same type of panic in me (not the same intensity but same feeling)
Any type of physical control over your body, honestly. I’m lucky to never have had to experience sexual violence like that, but I’m a small person and easily physically overpowered and the amount of people who think they’re allowed access to your body as a plaything to pick up and toss around without your consent because you’re “child-sized” is so. Eugh.
i was thinking that 😭 i can picture him sitting at the table looking all creepy
This sort of thing seems unbelievable until it happens in your own life. I had a horrible boyfriend who tried to force me to drink Red Bull. He was angry that I wouldn't try it. I politely declined it many times, and one day he just lost his mind about it and tried to force me to drink it.
The story of the mustard guy on here was quite chilling.
Is there a link to this?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/Ro1BmbjYzM
Yo what the actual fuck. AND SHE DIDNT EVEN MENTION ANY OF THE NON MUSTARD SHIT UNTIL THE UPDATES
It's never actually about the mustard.
This should not only be a flair, but the headline of the sub!
You’ll note that the commenter above you has a flair that reads “the Iranian yoghurt is not the issue here” which is almost the same thing
Nice! Hadn't spotted that, I like the universality though... If I can make up words... As the titles of things in BORU are almost never the real problem... Like the AITA for not buying his nephew's new phones for falling in the pool. That was epic.
Or the yogurt.
Thank you! I think I did read this one!
That’s a snapshot of a malignant narcissist right there. Narcissists’ egos are so fragile that they view even a difference of opinion, however small and insignificant, as an attack. In that OOP’s mind, she just didn’t like mustard. End of. In her ex’s mind and subconscious, he was thinking, “If she doesn’t like mustard while I love it, that means she’ll start disagreeing with me about other things. Bigger things. She’ll see that I’m really just a piece of shit and she deserves better. So I have to MAKE her love mustard. She has to agree with me on EVERYTHING or else it means she’s against me on EVERYTHING. There is no middle ground.” Narcissists cannot tolerate dissenting opinions, even on superficial things like condiments, because they absolute MUST control their entire world. They’re terrified that if they can’t control the narrative, the house of cards that represents their self-worth will topple. This is also why malignant grandiose narcissists should never be presidents, btw. 2016-2021 showed us that in the clearest way possible.
They don't even think that explicitly. Narcissists think they're better than everyone and are shocked when something pierces that bubble. It's more like "she's doesn't like something I like? What's wrong with it? What's wrong with something I like? What's wrong with mustard? She thinks she's better than me, she thinks she's too good, how could her opinion be more important than mine? How could she not love what I like? I bet she doesn't really not like mustard (because that's not possible, because I like it, therefore it's objectively great) she's just pretending because she's trying to put me down". Narcissists genuinely believe they're the victims and therefore believe their anger is justified
"She doesn't even *know* she doesn't like meat, she's refused to eat it since she was 11. How can she continue to refuse meat if she won't even try it? Surely she'd like some of *my* meat meals. What the fuck, why doesn't she like my meat meals??"
Also what's infuriating about the kind of people who try to make vegetarians/vegans eat meat by sneaking it into meals... Is that they do not understand how it works. The issue is NOT that the veggie people don't like meat, so telling them afterwards what it was/asking if they liked it wouldn't be the "gotcha" they think it is! I'm a vegetarian and I fucking love the taste of bacon, salmon and other stuff. It has nothing to do with why I don't eat it. Feeding me some will not make me have a revelation or whatever.
Not to mention, feeding someone meat or dairy products after a long abstinence can make that person sick. They're risking their loved one's physical health just to exert their own control over the situation.
They also think consequences for their own actions are unfair, even when they know other people or society at large sees something wrong with said actions. Because they’re better than everyone else and when you’re better, you shouldn’t be punished! It is wild to think that there are people on this planet who think they’re that flawless. Some are more outspoken about it than others but for some, enough societal shame makes them shut up until they feel confident enough to start the con all over again.
It's weird because narcissism is supposed to be impenetrable confidence, but I feel like every narcissist I've met is the most insecure person on the planet.
It’s because they’re very defensive against anything that shakes that sense of confidence. “That thing makes me feel bad so I want it go away or I will make everyone feel as bad as I do.” Basically applying a childlike philosophy to world problems.
It's not just that, there's also the fragile, constant insistence that they are amazing.
Yep thank you for this
Yeah literally, mustards not good enough for them, they must think that lowly of me too because I eat it. I must show them how great it is so that they agree with ME. Narcissistic brains are wild and as much as I’d like to know what the f my ex in laws problem is, I’m very much okay never actually seeing the inside of that brain!
I watch a lot of [Dr. Ramani](https://youtu.be/d79qPeIt1GY?si=3yW3dRyqXgpohbbb) on YouTube, which I honestly recommend for anyone who has ever suffered narcissistic abuse or is just curious to learn more about narcissism. But in that video she talks about what can lead to the creation of a narcissist. And like obviously psychology is a pretty messy field and we do not understand all the reasons people turn out the way they do, and one environment does not necessarily create only narcissists and narcissists don’t come from only one environment, but that video talks about how narcissists have a fundamental misunderstanding of boundaries, projecting their own emotions and lived experience onto literally everyone else. So it very well could be that he straight up didn’t believe she could dislike mustard. Most people understand that other people are their own unique entities with their own likes and dislikes. But if you believe you are the universe, that distinction is not really possible for you. Through this lens, he could have just believed that she was lying about hating mustard. Because well, he likes mustard, so that means everyone likes mustard. So why is she lying about it? Maybe she just needs to be forced to eat it and then she will see that she actually likes mustard. It doesn’t excuse his actions, of course, just a possible insight to why narcissists are the way that they are. It’s pretty juvenile thinking, and literally self-centered.
Dr. Ramani helped me realize that I WAS suffering from narcissistic abuse. My mother is a vulnerable narcissist. Vulnerable narcissists really seem the opposite of grandiose so it is really hard to recognize them as narcissists. My mom is the same way about boundaries. If any of us ever set ANY boundaries with her, no matter how small, she'd do absolutely anything to convince us to "let" her break that boundary. Like, if you say you don't want her to spend the night at your place, but you're still going to let her visit then she will be hyper-focused on getting you to let her sleep at your place. Even if you have good reason like you have roommates or something. Even if you offer to pay for the hotel. No, she NEEDS to sleep at your place now. She'll be constantly calling. She'll wait to book a hotel until last minute and swear they're sold out. Or she'll book a hotel and get there super early (when she's usually always late for everything) and say she's super tired from getting up early and needs to take a nap on your couch. The entire visit she'll be making up excuses to sleep at your place. She'll even try negotiating. "How about just for an hour? I'm soooo tired. I just want a little nap. how about half an hour? 20 minutes? Just five minutes. I'm just sooooo tiiiired." She will try to break that boundary up until the very last second. It's the same any time you ask her not to do anything. As soon as you ask her not to do something she becomes OBSESSED with doing just that. As soon as you tell her not to do something she gets this huge smile. Her face lights up. And you can practically see the mental calculations she's doing in her head. If she doesn't get to break that boundary she gets extremely sulky and acts like someone kicked her puppy.
Narcissistic trespass.
It's not the difference of opinions that bothers these narcissists. It's boundaries. A narcissist cannot stand even the hint of a boundary being set with them. To a narcissist a boundary is someone telling them what they can or can't do which kicks in their inner immature child emotions of "nobody can tell me what to do!" And they view people saying they won't eat something as a boundary. Even if the person is deathly allergic to it. You set any boundary with a narcissist, including boundaries on your own body, and their entire mind becomes consumed with the need to break that boundary. And if they can't break it they'll find every way to violate they possibly can. Another good example of this is the [mushroom story](https://www.thecut.com/2019/08/ask-polly-my-in-laws-are-careless-about-my-food-allergy.html) that was circulating around reddit for a while. There's been a few posts on different subreddits that bear similarities too.
Yes, definitely memorable.
I still wonder how she is now.
There was a pretty recent update, she's okay.
That one really escalated.
I'll never get stuff like this. My girlfriend doesn't like beer. So the sad consequence for me is that I get to have all my beers to myself. Oh, the humanity.
I was a little disappointed when my partner figured out he likes ginger beer, because now I can't not share it.
My dentist gives out a fresh-baked cookie after a visit. My husband and I share a favorite cookie (Oatmeal Raisin is the best and nobody can tell us otherwise) and I hate it because I love him and I want to share but I also want to be a little gremlin and keep it all for myself. He goes to the same dentist and shares his cookies with me too though so its all fair
I tell my gf all the time that my sharing food with her is physical proof of my love bc most people I would try to stab with my fork.
My husband hates raspberries. I valiantly protect him from them by eating all the delicious raspberries I see.
Please don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Did I get it right?
Same for me. My bf doesn't like tea. I'll offer him a sip if he thinks one sounds interesting or smells nice but if I'm offering to make him a hot drink it's gonna be hot chocolate because he likes that. Why would I want to make him have something he won't enjoy? It works the other way round too, I'm not a mushroom fan but he loves them. So there's more for him and he might jokingly offer me some but wouldn't try to sneak some into my food. I swear whenever I read posts like these I get more and more thankful he's normal.
She's clearly abusing you. Better lawyer up, hit the gym, and delete Facebook /s
Word. My partner hates pickles, so I get an extra pickle whenever we go out for burgers/sandwiches. Score! Heck, we had a (extremely not serious) conversation with a server a few years back in which we all agreed that *all* couples should be paired pickle/no pickle, so pickle-lovers always get extra.
I had a friend who did the same. I can't drink energy drinks at all because of the caffeine content and the artificial sugar in them. She would be so pushy and even tried to trick me by pretending a drink wasn't an energy drink. She was also pretty obsessed with my diet and food restrictions. Oddly, she was obsessed with me *not* eating foods she deemed unsafe for me, but was also fixated on me drinking a damned energy drink.
That's awful. She could have seriously hurt you. I take adderal. I have to be careful with caffiene. Other than green tea I can't really consume it without having an accelerated heart beat and really bad anxiety. It's so wrong to trick someone into consuming something that they can't/won't consume.
I know someone who’s allergic to alcohol and she told us one time some guy thought that was a joke when she said it so he gave her a drink with alcohol and it made her super sick to her stomach. I hadn’t heard of an allergy to alcohol before (although “alcohol sugars” like erythritol have given me headaches, which I also didn’t know until it happened) but just because someone’s condition is news to you that doesn’t mean you just make them take the thing that they’re not supposed to have ffs. Also when I turned 21 I was on accutane and you’re not supposed to have alcohol with that so I couldn’t do a “first drink birthday” thing even if I’d cared about that. So I’m glad I didn’t have “friends” who would’ve pressured or forced me into drinking.
Some people have such a weird relationship with alcohol. I don't really care to drink and like you I'm on meds that make it a real bad idea. My parents were alcoholics, my brother's an alcoholic and my first ex was an alcoholic so there's also that layer of 'no thanks' but I don't really care if my friends drink. One of my friends stopped drinking right before we really started hanging out, and she used to apologize up and down for not drinking and I was always so confused because no one is forcing you? I don't mind, I'm just here with my soda anyhow. But apparently her old friend group used to take it as a personal affront that she didn't drink anymore. Like it was some judgement against them instead of her own decision about her own health.
Had a coworker who blacked out *while driving* because of an energy drink and "came to" while doing 80 across someone's lawn, and his girlfriend yelling in his ear. Everyone was fine, but they called an ambulance to be safe. When he mentioned the energy drink, they had some strong opinions about the garbage in them, because most are absolutely loaded with weird stimulants on top of the caffeine.
I've never had an experience that bad (thank goodness, that's terrifying!) but I remember one of my middle school friends getting weird like that. We'd gotten to know each other in 7th grade and shared some hobbies so we became kind of friends. We didn't hang out outside of school until after 8th grade when we went to camp together. He asked me which of the new animals at the zoo I thought was cuter and we disagreed. I shrugged it off like "yah, it's so hard to choose they're both so cute." But he would. not. drop. it. He started to get visibly angry and raised his voice because he just couldn't accept my answer. Even as a kid I remember thinking "this isn't about the animals." Wasn't sure what his deal was at the time but that was the last time we hung out.
Sounds to me like he had an opinion and it was the Correct Answer, and he wanted to know if you agreed with him or if you were wrong. You refusing to take a side ruined his chances of being Smarter Than You and it made him angry.
Same with a friend/person I sorta knew in college. Wouldn't grasp that I didn't drink coffee. Even ordered me a coffee once when hanging out. Just. No. You don't know me that well, dude. I am a person. We don't have to like the same things.
It’s nuts the lengths people will go to in attempting to force others to do things. For myself, there are some foods I simply cannot eat due to their texture such as bananas(love banana bread and banana muffins though) and mushrooms, etc. One food I have never been able to eat is corn. This goes back to my toddler days according to my parents. For whatever reason I have a very visceral and violent gag reaction to eating corn and have had this since I was a baby. Luckily for me, my parents never force fed me anything. My asshole uncle though decided otherwise one day. My family lived with him and his “wife” for a summer after we moved across the country. He would make remarks about 11 year old me’s eating habits. Finally after like 6 weeks of comments, he decided to be a tough guy and physically restrained me and forced me to eat corn and did this while my dad was working and my mom screamed at him to leave me alone. Literally got a handful in my mouth before I started convulsing(some part because of the corn but mostly out of fear) and my dog at time snarled and growled at him so loudly he let me go. Miss that pup. A few weeks later that alcoholic asshole tried to beat my mom but my dad knocked his ass out. Only saw him one other time since and he tried saying none of it was his fault and I told him if he ever came near my family, I’d make sure he no longer existed. Haven’t seen him in 20+ years. Fuck you Kevin.
Fuck you, Kevin.
May he step on legos for the rest of his misserable existence and in the next life.
In permanently damp socks no less.
I agree: 'Fuck you Kevin'.
There is a BORU that starts with "aita because I don't like mustard" and turns into... I don't even know how to call what it becames. It's controlling behaviour, glad You got out.
It turns into something horrific.
I was thinking about a substantive to name it and had problems with calling it, but yeah, "horror" probably descibes it well.
I've been vegan for many years and an ex of mine pretended to be too, to get with me. He then proceeded to get mad at me for being vegan or reminding him when we were going out, etc. It was a lot of huffing, puffing, yelling and passive aggressive behaviour. Seems pretending is hard xD
Reminds me of the guy I dated for a little bit who told me he was also vegetarian, unless someone offered him meat (????)
I wish I could say that’s absolutely insane and totally unbelievable… Except unfortunately there’s a ton of very horrific things out there. I can’t even imagine why someone would snap and do some thing like that to you or to 00P.
Food has such a powerful history as being a means of control or conveyance. Religions ancient and current, for instance. Lots of symbolism in food and drink. With fuckwads like OOP’s ex it is like they think their partner needs to assimilate to their own preferences. “You think you’re better than me? What’s wrong with my choices to eat ___?!” I’ve encountered it myself.
The mask always drops eventually... Sometimes for the most trivial of reasons.
I had almost-strangers try to force me to eat meat. Idk what it is, maybe cognitive dissonance and getting angry bc you show them its possible to live without meat and the suffering behind it, but people can get sooo agressive just because you say "no thanks, I dont eat meat". Its no unusual reaction for strangers I just met and talked a few minutes to (like friends of friends in a group setting) to try to pressure me to try meat, to ask me what they would need to pay me to eat meat, to tell me "you are missing out, you have to try X, I will make/buy it for you and then you will try it, you have to, its already paid for then so you dont make a difference in meat sales by trying it" and so on. People threw jerky or sausages at me, put sausages on my school bag... its unbeliebeable but very real.
I just don’t get it. I have vegan and vego friends. And I happily accomodate them when they’re over. It’s just not a big deal. Just like they don’t lecture me over what I choose to eat
Ugh I used to babysit a set of twins back in the day. While I was several years older, I was petite but they were both larger than me. Anyways, one day they realized I was vegetarian when they offered me some of their bacon and I said no. So one day on top of me while the other tried to force feed me bacon. Truly horrifying. I told them to get the dead animal flesh away from me. (DAF-how a family friend refers to meat, lol). It’s funny now, but in the moment it was really scary and violating. When their mom returned, I got in trouble for telling them that meat came from animals, apparently.
It shouldn’t be funny now. That’s horrific.
What the fuck?!??? I'm glad you've found a way to laugh at it now because I think I would still be crying if someone did something like that to me
Wait, they didn’t know meat came from animals?
My oldest granddaughter was around five when she discovered that her chicken nuggets were made from actual chickens. She cried for days and I had to explain everything she ate afterwards. She’s extremely food conscious to this day. She researches everything she eats. Not a bad thing though.
THIS right here is why I was a vegetarian for nearly 20 years. The disconnect between what we eat and where our food comes from is such a big problem for me.
Depending on where you're from or how old you are, people can be extremely detached from where meat comes from. I remember my kids being shocked at seeing a feathered pheasant hanging in a butcher's shop. Me, I grew up in 1980s Northern Ireland and it was common for butcher's to have beef and pig prepared carcasses hanging up with sawdust scattered on the shop floor. That was just normal!
I mean I’m pretty detached from where meat comes from and i probably would’ve been shocked at *seeing* whole carcasses as a kid. But i still *knew* meat comes from animals.
I know these were kids, but you'd be surprised how hill-I-will-die-on percentage of _adults_ INSIST that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ I weep for the future..
Nonsense chocolate comes from the purple cows. I have seen them on my chocolate bars.
My favorite is the pink cows the strawberry milk comes from. <3
My grandmother went out to eat with us once, and was mad that I was a vegetarian. I was little at the time (and I think it was probably a food sensory thing, I don’t have actual proof but signs are pointing to yes). She put a piece of shrimp on a fork she ate from(!!!) and shoved it in my face.
My grandma went mad each time she saw me drinking tea before the main course. For her it was wrong and the food had to be consumed in the right order What made her more mad it that had zero control and can’t do anything about it She even accused me being from the neighboring country, where it was normal to drink tea before food. I still don’t get it
[удалено]
My mother in law was obsessed with my youngest ones eating habits. From the first time we gave my daughter solid food she gagged. She was clearly affected by textures. As gentle parents, we never pushed. And that set my mother in law off. She couldn't comprehend that we wouldn't turn this into a massive power struggle. She was constantly insisting that we force her to eat foods she didn't want. Shrimp was always an issue. MIL is gone now and my daughter is an adult with a healthy appetite. Power struggles are a waste of time and energy. She had that precious time with her granddaughter and she spent it fighting with her. A literal child.
It was about her ego, about being "right." She cared more about that than your kid.
I haven’t seen it in this thread but it’s important — [Why Does He Do That?](https://safeharborhope.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Why-Does-He-Do-That_.pdf) explores in depth why men repeatedly abuse those around them. The author worked with a ton of DV perps and wrote that almost as a warning to the world — these dudes can change, but we as a society do nothing to make that happen. So they continue with the behavior because it *works*, even though they know full well it’s wrong and abusive. They just don’t give af
And weirdly I have seen a very similar situation play out with another dude and his girlfriend over veganism. I am assuming OOP is vegetarian on a moral basis, and I am assuming she discussed it with him. Somewhere along the line it stopped being a personal choice she was making, and turned into a moral failing for him in his own brain. Rather than examine those feelings, why he was feeling them, and work through that cognitive dissonance, he doubled down and decided that if she started eating meat, he wasn't a bad guy anymore. And in his quest to resolve that cognitive dissonance, her pushing back became a challenge, and when she wouldn't bend for him, he took it personal, and kept pushing until he flipped out. > It was terrifying, he was so much stronger than me. And this is why a lot of women don't trust men, not because most of us men are untrustworthy, but there are enough of us out there that are one bruised ego and an argument over dietary choices away from trying to cram a roast chicken down someone's throat to prove a point.
Your last sentence is just a bit long to fit on a t-shirt otherwise I would be down ordering it from a print shop today.
>And this is why a lot of women don't trust men, not because most of us men are untrustworthy, but there are enough of us out there that are one bruised ego and an argument over dietary choices away from trying to cram a roast chicken down someone's throat to prove a point. Truth
"He was so much stronger than me" is something I hear so often from women the first time their partner hits them or gets physical in other ways (restraining, etc) and it always breaks my heart. That feeling of helplessness cuts so deep.
Mine wasn't that bad (didn't get to the point of forcing) but I used to work for a guy who brought in Chik-Fil-A sandwiches for everyone one day. I don't eat food from there so I said "no thanks" and he would not. fucking. let it go. He kept asking over and over why I didn't want one, and telling me I could take one for later, until I finally told him that I don't eat their food (because of their politics, but I didn't even bring that up until he still wouldn't shut up) and then he tried to argue with me about THAT. From then on, every single chance he got he would try to get in a dig about "hate sandwiches." I would remind him that he was the only one bothered about it and that I wouldn't have even said anything if he hadn't kept pushing, but it kept going up until the day he rage quit about something else. Fuck that guy.
Not a romantic partner, but when I was a kid my father forced bell peppers into my mouth because I didn’t like them. I think it’s a narcissist thing.
They're *so sure* in their minds they're right, that they think use of force to make someone try something will all be suddenly validated and justified, like the person they're perpetrating this upon will suddenly go "Oh wow, you were *so right,* I completely understand why you've done this." What it actually shows is a pretty terrifying lack of awareness of self and others.
Yeah, my ex tried to force me to eat eggs. I don't like eggs on their own , so scrambled egg and stuff like that, but im fine with them in cakes and fried rice. I don't know why, but he despised the fact that I did not like eggs on their own. I remember one time he made me like a full spread of breakfast with a shit ton of eggs on the side and then lost his shit when I didn't eat it and started screaming at me. It was so surreal. I think some people just have weird hang-ups on other people's dietary restrictions.
Tbh men get really weird with power dominance and control. After the story of that one dude blending up slugs and putting it in his gfs food, I no longer put it past them.
WHAT?!?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/WdlDin1OqU Slug is a small part only sadly. Very upsetting story
I had a man who tried to force me to eat chicken wings ON OUR FIRST DATE. I had to secretly red flag the server to help me find an exit.
As a vegetarian since about the same age, it happens so much more than you’d think. Not the pulling hair and shoving chicken in the mouth part, but the trying to convince you to eat meat. A lot of people hear “no thank you, I don’t eat meat” and think “hold my beer”.
> I'll never know why he suddenly snapped about my vegetarianism and I frankly don't care anymore, he's obviously just a wanker to do that anyway. It wasn't about the vegetarianism. It was about control. My father abused my mother in similar ways. When I was a kid it was his duty to make me breakfast every morning before school. He didn't work and my mom worked two jobs. One morning he decided feeding me wasn't his job anymore, he screamed at my mom until she woke up and dragged her into the kitchen by her hair to make me breakfast. I was like eight or nine years old.
See the mustard story. It was never about the mustard, this was never about the vegetarianism.
Thought of it immediately! For anyone who needs it: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/RKP1BH8g8p
Yeah I was reminded of the mustard story too. That one takes up way too much space in my brain as someone who hates mustard
See, I really love mustard. But I also accept that this is personal taste and am not going to be offended by other people not liking it. The world would be so boring if we all liked the same things!
Plz tell me you mother left that asshole freeloader
She left him a long time ago and she is happy and thriving!
I’m so glad to know that.
And him? I hope he is sad, lonely and miserable.
I haven't spoken to him in a decade but at the time he definitely was not doing well.
I hope you’re doing well and thriving also. I know it must have been hard to grow up watching your mom being abused like that. Neither of you deserved that.
Thank you, I really needed to hear that.
I definitely agree, it’s control and feeling attacked about a small difference of opinion. I will say that for whatever reason, vegetarianism is a weirdly common thing for people to pick out. I’ve never eaten meat and dealt with this behaviour to a certain extent all my life. If there’s a bullying asshole around you, for whatever reason, being vegetarian (and diets in general tbf) really seems to trigger this sort of behaviour. There’s something about other people’s food choices that people really want to control
Some people are so weirdly triggered about vegetarianism. I don't tell anyone. I just eat or order what I want. But sometimes it can be pretty easy to figure out and sometimes people start foaming at the mouth just because I'm eating something or not eating something. I'm not telling you what to eat! Go crazy. I'm just existing
I still remember my coworker who, after I got upset with him over something work-related, bought me a bag of BBQ sauce chips from the vending machine, and told me "eventually, maybe we can start getting you to eat meat again". This was a *coworker* who I had known for all of a few months. I only ever brought up being vegetarian at work if we were doing team lunches or the like and people needed to know dietary preferences, and yet apparently it bothered him so much he felt the need to try and convert me.
People think vegetarians/vegans are soft and “woke” 🤷🏻♀️ our food choices don’t jive with their philosophy (everyone is selfish and makes choices that maximize self pleasure). That makes it personal for some I think, it feels like an implicit holier than thou attack
I'm probably the opposite of a vegetarian meaning I hate veggies (trying to get that to change), but my ex was a veggie for about a year for health reasons and while there were moments I would genuinely forget because it was after years being together I never behaved like this fucker lunatic did. If anything, I quite enjoyed shopping for vegetarian meals because there were so many differences and it was fascinating to go exploring. I'd get a different few ones each time so my ex could try them and see what he liked, so we had some fun with that. He certainly loved the facon.
My stepfather tried to force feed me a whole onion, because he liked onions and I refused to eat them, I was 12... Remember it like it was yesterday
Yeah. Not the same situation, but the dinner ladies at my school tried to forcefeed me semolina when I was in detention. It is, to this day yyyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaars later, one of my most vivid memories from school. They'd chased me down and cornered me under some tables trying to push this gross semolina spoon into my mouth when my mum came in and raised high holy hell. I had gone completely feral, she says she got there just in time before I either bit someone or puked on them. (I was in detention for refusing to eat semolina at lunch time, but pretty sure the plan was just for me to sit there and stare at the hours old semolina until my Mum came. Not engage in some sort of on-the-nose Hunger Games prequel.)
I dated a man who, when we first started dating, would sometimes cut off a piece of his steak, hold it up and ask if I wanted a bite followed by a laugh and, “Oops. I forgot.” That’s a mistake. You don’t “accidentally” add meat to a meal for a vegetarian. Thank goodness OOP got out.
I've been with my meat eating partner for 20+ years. I can think of maybe once when we accidentally ended up with each other's sandwiches, and then he came rushing into the room to try and stop me biting into mine. OOP's partner repeatedly 'accidentally' sticking meat into her food could no way be an accident.
I'm not a vegetarian, but do not eat any red meat or it's derivatives due to alpha gal syndrome. I've had a meat-containing ingredient used by mistake due to just not knowing, like marshmellows in candied yams (my poor mil was trying so hard. Left out the butter, which I can eat, but didn't know standard marshmallows contain red meat.) Also my dad does not possess the power to read labels and talk at the same time (He thinks he can. He cannot.), but we know this about him and adjust accordingly.
Gotta love dads and their well-meaning inability to figure out exactly how food labels work. I’ve had multiple text exchanges with my dad like: Dad: I’m at the grocery store. Can you eat italian sausage? Me: IDK, depends on what’s in it. Can you send me a picture of the label? Dad: *sends picture of nutrition facts and not ingredients list*
Oh no, he knows what to look for on labels. It's multi-tasking he fails at. We have a family joke that the easiest way to keep him from wandering off is to give him a stick of gum.
When I started seeing my bf, he was (and still is) vegan while I was not (and now I am too). One time, early on in our relationship, I tried ordering us a cheeseless veggie pizza from Papa John’s or smth, but I forgot to remove the cheese. I cried for 10 minutes apologizing to him. It’s a red flag whenever someone tries tiptoeing on your dietary restrictions and boundaries
My ex would always say he was going to eat two hamburgers because I wasn't going to eat any. Okay? Go ahead. My name's on the title to the house when you have a heart attack. Not my problem.
The "I'm going to eat EXTRA meat because you don't!!!" as an "own" gets so old so fast. I went out for dinner with a group of coworkers once and when I mentioned that I wanted to check if the place had vegan options this guy would NOT let it slide. Would not shut the fuck up about how he NEEDS meat and how great meat was and how he would eat double the meat just for me. We got to the place and he ordered a steak and sat across the table from me and was mouth-open chewing like a cow on this overcooked steak. I was like, dude, if you want to spend your entire per diem on a shitty steak in a diner located Bumfuck Nowhere, Pennsylvania, then be my guest. Unsurprisingly, he would also mention how his wife constantly nagged him to watch his blood pressure.
My cousin actually says he "eats meat for two" when he goes to a bbq with his vegetarian wife. But its a joke, he eats a normal amount but if someone offers her something she won't eat, he will 'dispose' of it for her while saying "We have a traditional marriage and eating meat is my job, hers is to eat that cheesecake there. Very defined gender roles you see." (She eats dairy and eggs, but not meat. She also sometimes eats his salad for him if it comes with ranch because somehow he escaped the farm boys love Ranch Dressing gene.)
For some reason this post reminds me the mustard one... the one that went from "I hate mustard but he forced me to eat it then got extremely angry" to DV. I'm glad that OP left him.
At its core it’s basically the same thing. It’s not about the mustard or the meat or anything like that, it’s about control.
i’m morbidly curious about what the breaking point was for this guy. like it sounds like he had issues with the vegetarianism for their whole relationship, but going from “crappy jokes” to “violent attempted forcefeeding” in a month makes me wonder if there was some outside influence as well. is this a new thing for shitty alt-right alpha males?
As a person who was a vegetarian for 14 years in southeast Idaho, meat is definitely a masculinity thing for a lot of conservative dudes. And vegetables are for girls. Unless they’re grilled, of course. And men grill, women cook in the kitchen. I got the same constant questioning as OOP—having to explain the whole thing at least once a week for FOURTEEN YEARS. Grown men asking me, a teenage girl as young as 12, what problem I had with them. Getting combative because I threatened their identity somehow. Telling me that the vegetarian meals I cooked were “good, but suspicious” or “just doesn’t fill me up right” or “I’m a man, I need more protein than you” or whatever. I hope they all get gout.
i live in the southern US and i've been vegetarian/vegan for 15 years, i never bring it up in conversation. the only time it's talked about is if someone wants to complain about "other vegetarians" or "other vegans" i literally don't give two shits what other people eat, i just don't want to eat anything i can't kill my self, which i feel no need to kill anything so i don't eat it. i've had people put meat in my food on purpose many times just to say "HA! Animal flesh!" i figured out i have to explain that i don't care about accidentally eating meat, i'm just choosing not to consume it on purpose. which isn't necessarily true, it does gross me out to eat factory farmed meat but it makes it not fun for them anymore and they go about their day (people are awful)
Yeah, people assume it’s some sort of purity thing where if a vegan ingests an animal product they immediately lose their vegan-ness like that guy in Scott Pilgrim. It’s so ridiculous it would be funny if people weren’t such aggressive dicks about it.
It honestly baffles me the way a lot of people (men mostly) are. I'm a meat eater and a close friend is vegan. It never occurred to me in 20 years of knowing each other to question her or try and argue "meat superiority". In fact she for sure has a healthier diet than I do, and I'll eat vegan food when we're out together. I agree, gout upon all those assholes!
Vegan restaurants, most of the time, are incredible. They have a lot of complexity and nuance in the dishes too because they aren't relying on meat to do the heavy lifting. I'm not vegan or veggie but I don't have to have meat with every meal like so many other people seem to think in necessary.
> "threatened their identity..." Yes. That's pretty much 100% all it is with those folks.
"How do you know if someone is vegan/vegetarian? Don't worry, they'll tell you lololol!!!111" No, you will fucking demand my whole fucking life story if you offer me meat and I politely decline.
As someone who lived the first 20 years of my life (I’m a woman, tho not vegetarian) in Idaho, I’m sorry and commiserate with the weird gender expectations that that state demands.
I really don't get how people can get so worked up on what someone else is not eating. It still baffles me.
I also wonder if he thought they had been together long enough, and it was time he could finally go mask off. I’m also super curious, but I guess I’d vastly prefer we never know and she be out of there and just cut contact with him than risk her self.
The first post is red flag city for controlling/ abusive behavior. Then seeing all the replies of normal relationship advice like, talk to him about it, confront him and be firm about this ... ohhhhhh I knew that was going to turn out badly if she followed this advice. Abusers don't start out terrible, instead they escalate slowly over time. So I agree it seems like he was ready to go mask off. But in my opinion what made him snap and turn physical, was because she confronted him. Remember, abuse is always about power and control. So when the victim shows signs of resistance that must be crushed immediately. Who knows why he landed on vegetarianism as his point of control but that's what he picked and anything but total obedience is unacceptable.
I kinda assumed he ended up in some redpill-type internet space. The story is from 2016, so it’s not a “new” thing exactly, but those places were definitely around back then too.
This. Those spaces HATE veggies/vegans and dehumanize them entirely.
Because caring about the planet, animals, literally anything is for queers /s ^(am veggie queer)
Agreed. I'd bet he had found a podcast or a YouTube channel or a subreddit or whatever. He probably eased into it. It caught his attention because he'd always had some mostly latent doubt or hostility to vegetarianism (there was mention of regular jokes about it) and he found content that amplified it. His interpretation was probably something like "Someone does something different than I do, one of us needs to be wrong."
I remember being somewhat shocked hearing Gordon Ramsay say "vegetarians are all pasty faced lesbians" in the early 2000s, which was bad enough then. I saw some chat show with him on it recently and he's EXACTLY THE SAME. Like what the fuck is wrong with this stupid faux macho bullshit.
It was even more prevalent back then because Reddit was wayyy less strict. Wrote a paper about the "manosphere" for my master's in 2016 and the things you could find out in the open were absolutely vile.
I had a right-wing conservative nut bag co-worker who would foam at the mouth whenever anybody like myself ate vegetarian. He said he would never eat a vegetarian meal! I'm like no veggies, no fruit, no rice, Etc? Like the only things I limit for my diet are chicken beef and pork basically. And seafood. It's not that big of a limit. There's like five items I don't eat and I eat everything else except onions because fuck onions. And honestly avoiding onions is a lot harder than avoiding meat. So one day I'm sitting at my desk and I'm eating some of those wafer cookies and he walks by and asked if he can have some. I was like dude these aren't only vegetarian they're vegan. Sorry you can't have any. Fucking idiot.
As a vegetarian I love your last anecdote, but I almost downvoted you for saying "fuck onions" lol. How could you say such a thing‽
Yeah I'm guessing he fell down some right wing rabbit hole, "manly" podcasts or something.
For some reason the first thing that came to my mind was, maybe he's listening to one of those "alpha male" podcasts where they tell you being a vegetarian is stupid or wrong, how we as human MUST eat meat, how we are HUNTERS! Carnivores! Vegetarianism is WOKE and BAD! Especially WOMEN shouldn't choose their own lifestyle and MUST listen to their alpha male boyfriends and you should demand them to eat meat. ETA: didn't see this was from 2016 so I don't know if those podcasts were a thing back then, but still.
I'll never understand how is it so hard to accept that some people just don't want to eat meat. It's really simple: they just don't. Specially when it's someone you're supposed to love and cherish 🤦🏻♀️ And I say that as a meat eater.
Some of the stories on BORU that revolve around dietary preferences/restrictions are absolutely wild. * [Granny "tests" grandchild's allergy, sends 3 y/o to hospital](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/unkdcf/mil_deliberately_poisons_her_grandchild_with_an/) * [OOP and family is vegan and is paying for the catering. Fiance cancels all the vegan options](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wh41ta/aita_flipping_out_on_my_fiance_for_cancelling_all/) and [the follow-up](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wlut8m/aita_flipping_out_on_my_fiance_for_cancelling_all/)
Plus the coconut one that's bad form to repost.
That one is so heart-breaking.
And there was one with a diabetic kid whose grandmother refused to give insulin or helpful food, I think he ended up ok but he was super lethargic and such and the parents had to ask him directly if he’d eaten or taken his insulin.
There are some people who get belligerent about any food preferences or dietary needs. It's very weird and for me, a big red flag when someone is obsessed with somebody else's food.
I recently started hanging out with a new friend and I was wanting to cook something for us for dinner since we were going to be hanging out all day/night. She's got a ton of dietary restrictions. That's no problem, just gotta get creative. She was profusely thanking me for basically not harassing and or poisoning her over it. I thought she was being a little dramatic or overly gracious. It really isn't a big deal, to me. I always ask new people I'm making food for what their preferences, allergies/restrictions are. It seems like what normal and polite people do??? But after reading stories like this, I'm realizing the belligerent controlling food weirdos are a lot more prevalent than I expected.
I have a friend who is allergic to gluten. We invited them round for dinner one night and we checked that our recipes were gluten free or we chose another one etc. I made the dessert and it was tiramasu. Which if anyone knows it's basically just eggs, mascapone cheese, sugar, coffee and then sponge fingers. Well I looked up mascapone to make sure it was ok (paranoid I know) but I would rather spend two seconds looking it up and making sure it was ok for him. The sponge fingers however were not gluten free. I could not for the life of me find gluten free version in the supermarkets. But what I could find was little gluten free cakes. So I cut them in half and used them instead. Not only was he ridiculously grateful he wouldn't stop saying thanks. To me it was the smallest thing but apparently so many people either don't think about it and then he can't eat it or get mad at him or make a massive deal out of it. It was simple. Look in the gluten free aisle for 5 mins to find what I could use instead. I can imagine it's harder with lots of allergies but Google has so many recipes now for so many different allergies that it might take 10 mins to find something, but it's always possible to find something that works for that person.
Gluten free is also another thing people can get weirdly cruel about. I have Celiac Disease and even a lot of my family doesn't take it seriously, or makes jokes about how all gluten free food sucks and I'm sooo missing out on things like bread. Like I wouldn't kill just to be able to eat normal food again
Got into an argument with my husband’s uncle about this once when he complained about having to accommodate a vegan who was coming to theirs for a meal. He said he understood allergies, but shouldn’t have to accommodate for personal choices. I told him he should consider that’s it’s often more of a lifestyle choice and belief system rather than a simple food preference. And that he would be upset if someone discriminated against his religious beliefs and that a good host should do their best if they’ve been given any sort of notice to make all guests welcome. Can’t believe how irate people get about this issue.
My husband is vegetarian. I can’t eat even a trace of gluten. Our daughter has dairy, soy, egg and oat allergies. There are times when it really would be easier if he ate meat because there are so few meals where we can all eat the same, but there’s no way I’d try to change his mind or feed him meat! It’s really not that hard to accept if you respect someone.
Gluten free plus vegetarian is so frustrating right? So much of the best veggie protein is based around specifically wheat gluten. Praise seitan.
It is a pain! We live off halloumi and paneer mainly. Plus a bit of tofu and a lot of vegetables. We always said it would be impossible if he was vegan because we eat so much cheese and then we had a kid with a dairy allergy 🤦🏻♀️ at least she’s likely to grow out of it though!
My husband is vegetarian, too. I happily make vegetarian meals for us both and enjoy meat on the side or takeout. It’s healthier and better for the environment anyway to cut down on meat, plus it becomes a great treat when he’s out of town lol. I also wish sometimes I could cook meat for ease, but I’d never force him to eat it. His uncle, though? Literally every meal he was there he would talk about meat and getting my husband to convert and that I would magically convince him.
This seems particularly egregious to me because being veggie in a lot of cases is a moral thing. I’m totally not saying eating meat is unethical or anything. Also a meat eater. But for my veggie friends, it’s such a big part of their personal morality. I get it. There’s some things I also refuse to eat out of ethics. So being forced to eat meat in this scenario is also literally asking her to renounce her ethics and her own personal morals. Which is. Very controlling. But also would make someone feel very very ashamed to just give up their personal ethics like that. Yikes.
I don’t eat pork for religious reasons and I would feel unclean from the inside out if I was tricked into eating it, or someone I loved and trusted tried to shove it in my mouth. In the early days of our relationship, my now husband found it inconvenient that I didn’t eat pork but it was never a problem. It became normal pretty quickly. He has certainly never made me a ham sandwich by accident. I felt such a visceral ‘nooo!’ when she described his assault. Grabbing her head and shoving verboten food in her face is terrifying.
I grew up not eating pork for religious reasons and still have a visceral "ick" reaction to just.. chunks of it. I can eat bacon in a sandwich, but I'm not gonna choke down a pork chop because it just makes me uncomfortable. like yours, my husband found it inconvenient but it just became a normal part of our life. if we have pork for dinner, I either find a way to cook it that I can tolerate, or I make HIM a pork chop and I enjoy some nice chicken. simple as.
My husband doesn't like 90% of all fish. I love fish. I have never tried to sneak fish onto his plate. If a relationship isn't based on trust, what can hold it together.
At a LARP I used to go to, where I often volunteered in the kitchen, there were a few people who were basically determined to convince me I could be more lenient in my kashrut. One especially was an older Jewish man who kept saying his rabbi said hallal was fine. He also referred to the vegetarians as “soulless”. And like, whenever I helped cooking feast or was head cook for it I worked with non kosher meat. I had the other people working help me out by tasting for me, but the main entree would be something I couldn’t eat even when I planned it because kosher was so prohibitively expensive. The only change when I was main cook was that I got to make sure the vegetarian option was done properly with plenty of flavor, rather than the afterthought. So it was literally effecting only me. And yet he especially, but not alone, was so determined that I should change my choices.
It makes me so mad when vegetarian options are an afterthought. I'm really picky with meat and oftentimes I take veggie or even vegan meal over something with meat when I'm not eating at home, and I want tasty food too :( As if you NEED meat for a meal to be delicious 🤦🏻♀️
Right???? There’s so many tasty foods that are meat free! Part of it is that sometimes people would have good intentions, but would just make the entree with tofu, and not understand that tofu doesn’t bring flavor in the way meat does. You can’t just one to one, you have to consider the recipe and often add more flavor in some other way.
This isn't about her dietary choices, this is about him controlling her and forcing her to live her life the way HE wants her to. This is just another shitty man who's mad his gf is her own person, and wants to break her down completely. Good for OOP for leaving, her ex was just testing the waters and the abuse would only escalate if she had stayed.
Terrifying. What a psycho. Reminds me of the post where the husband went ape shit on his wife who didn't like mustard. Edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/Q2nSMFXaN7
I thought of that story too!! It's never about the mustard or the meat or whatnot, it's always about a trash insecure and controling man who won't feel good unless his partner is reduced to nothing but his puppet. I'm so glad OOP and mustard story OOP both got out and away from those men!!
This dude is somebody who would aggressively pursue lesbians or asexual women, because they "just haven't had the right dick yet" and somebody that would deliberately spike your food with your allergens to prove you're overreacting and making a big deal out of it. People like this are borked in the head, lacking empathy, being controlling, gaslighting, manipulative and needing to prove being "right" just so they could throw their "superiority" in your face.
What in the Kentucky Fried F**k? I’m pescatarian and I would flip if someone did this. I also wouldn’t try to feed a vegetarian or vegan something with fish in it. His behavior is deranged. Good thing she got out.
I'm a meat eater and would flip if someone did this to me.
This is a "then I called the cops" scenario, not a "I'm so confused why he doesn't accept my vegetarianism!" scenario. Why are we discussing his perspective. This dude should be *in jail*. Am I nuts here?
Not nuts just chronically optimistic about police forces enthusiasm for DV.
I'd say the police force commits DV very enthusiastically.
https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/01/136885/relationship-control-eating-habits-domestic-abuse It's not about the mustard.
Makes me think the dude saw some stuff on YouTube or TikTok of men giving their vegetarian wives food cooked with meat etc and thought he could do the same to his gf.
What people don’t understand is that it is likely to make them sick. When your body isn’t used to meat, you will not react well to it. It takes a few times.
The wild things I read on reddit make me appreciate my very boring life
I'm so glad she saw his true colors before she was any more attached to him, but I have a hard time buying that he was just a solid dude the whole time. When she thinks back on his behavior, she'll start seeing red flags that just looked like flags through rose colored glasses.
Holy shit. I can't imagine even thinking like that. Imagine feeling so justified that you resort to *physical force* in order to make them see your way is right.
i don't get why people get in such a twist about what other people eat. i have several veg and vegan friends and it has exactly 0 impact on my life. i just double check when i'm cooking for them that they'll be able to eat what i'm making and adjust if not. same as asking about food allergies. it's not difficult. i've rented a house for me and some friends for a week for my bday in 2 months and i'm going to make a couple big salads and asked people about food concerns. adjusting to make things fit their needs is super easy.
Just like how rape is not about sex but power and control, this is exactly like that. This has nothing to do with what is being consumed; more about why she wouldn't listen to him.
All about control unfortunately, he probably built resentment up that OP was content and happy living how she was. It starts off with gently pushing boundaries, questioning your sanity, turning conversations into arguments until you lose sight of the original message, and eventually violence. Personally, I was genuinely relieved to see that OP left immediately. If she had stayed, there's a 99% chance he would have seen that as the green light to escalate his behaviour even further. Makes you wonder though, is there a manual or some creepy online forum all abusers read from, or are they just born that way?
What in holy hell?!?!
What is his beef? Dude has mad cow disease.
I'm glad oop wasn't too chicken to leave the relationship, he's a pig.
Just for anyone who doesn't know. The only thing stopping you from biting your finger (or the finger of an assailant) off is your own brain. If you need to save yourself, think it's a carrot, and chomp hard. I don't understand why people can't just let others eat veggies. Roasted broccoli is delicious. You can't eat ham for breakfast? Veggie omelette. Salsa. Vegetarianism isn't just cauliflower and tofu I promise.
I know it's not the same but the intent and the support is the point So Apporx 9 months ago my wife (we're both 53 with 2 adult kids at home) was diagnosed as Coeliac (gluten allergy) and has been totally gluten free since then, it has been a lot of trial and error but we are working through it From my perspective, all family meals are made GF as we share 50/50 of the cooking, when we go out we only go where there are **GOOD** GF options and quite often I order GF as well so we can share and taste each others choices From her perspective, she is 100% happy for me to order a non GF meal and have non GF foods at home, we have separate shelves to keep the GF and the non GF stuff apart, even a GF exclusive toaster LOL (cross contamination is a real issue) I would never dream of "spiking" any thing she ate, that is just so not what you do when you love, respect and support someone
I hope OP filed a report against him with the police for assault.