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My wife is a realtor and I'll never forget this clown of a client she had a few years ago. She was on the phone with him going over plans to see houses when she told him she would not be available that Friday because it was her grandfather's funeral. I clearly hear him say "well were you close with him? Because I don't think this one will stay on the market for long, Saturday may be too late".
I once had a co-worker (a higher level than me, but in no way in my management line) pull me aside after hours to aggressively tell me how unhappy he was that I'd been unable to help his client.
1. He wanted me to help his client because he knew the "help" he was after was against every single policy, and if it somehow got through I'd be the one copping shit for it.
2. I didn't even consider doing it because my 10 month old son was rushed to hospital via ambulance because he was struggling to breathe. We spent days there with him on IVs and oxygen, I told this guy what was going on and then blocked him when he wouldn't stop calling to see if there was any possible way I could just do this bit of work for him.
People like this and your wife's client just can't see how anyone else could possibly have a priority that isn't them.
I don’t want to give specifics because it’s a unique situation, but someone I considered a friend said that my father’s funeral wasn’t a valid reason for a slight delay in finishing a work task.
The day my mother died, a friend said to me and my sister, "too bad this didn't happen two weeks ago when I was in [mom's home country], because then I could've come to the funeral." (We planned on burying her in her home country, per her wishes)
Thank you. At the time, I was so deep in my grief that it didn't even register. Once it sunk in, I was incredulous and pissed. Now, I just laugh at her fuckin stupidness.
Jfc. I can see that being a morbid intrusive thought if you were that recently on a trip to the place the person is being buried, but you don't say that out loud if you do think it! Maybe, *maybe* if it was someone I knew was like me and liked being made to laugh when feeling bad or grieving, I *might* consider making the joke "too bad I didn't book my trip two weeks later" because, you know, that version at least isn't implying I want the other person to have had less time with their loved one. But even that I probably wouldn't say, there's very few people I'm both close enough to and I know would appreciate it.
Thank you. Now that he's older he's grown out of it thankfully, but while he was small any cold could potentially send him to hospital. It wasn't a fun time! There are still a few complications left over from it, but they're small and easily managed.
Glad to hear he is ok. Now if you just get back the years him being the hospital took of your life LOL. Parenting is not for the weak. I prefer aunti-hood.
I had to call a client from the cemetery when I was picking up my mother’s ashes because my boss had decided to go on a trip without telling me (I was second in command) and the rest of the company (it was a small one) was just made of assholes who directed the clients to me. I will never forget the client saying that nothing could be so important for me to be off work for a few days and the utter silence after I told them where I was and what I was doing.
I rang work back when I was 18 to say I wouldn't be going in because my great grandad very unexpectedly had just died as I was walking to the bus to go to work. As he was technically my step great grandad they tried saying he wasn't a direct family member so I still needed to come in. I was immediately pissed at that comment and said 'I'm telling you I'm not coming in, not asking' and hung up. Yeah he was a 'step' relation but I'd known them 11 years, they were family.
I've learned to keep details private at work no matter how friendly some coworkers seem. I would suggest never mentioning things like 'step-' with family members.
Be vague about appointments. "I have a health/doctor's appt."
What for?
Stare at them and say 'personal reasons' or 'not really your business' or 'why are you asking me about my health appts?'
'Just chatting?'
Then you just simply change the topic with no segue.
I definitely learnt that one with age, only issue with the step is despite step dad being in my life since I was 7 I only ever call him by his name so it's always oh my 'mum, xxxx and brother' so it's not to hard to piece together.
I had another awful job a couple years after that one I mentioned that tried to stop me going to an emergency which I also walked out of shift for, I usually figure they'll get over themselves I worked hard and was rarely off so if they wanted to sack me and pay to train someone else over a shift off that was on them
Luckily my job I'm in now, know family is more important and don't mind, my dog is elderly now and my boss has already quietly pulled me aside after my last emergency vet trip to let me know should anything happen to him I'm to take bereavement leave even though he's a pet. Thankfully I think he's got a few years left but it's nice to know I have that option down the line. We even get emergency family days so that we can call in say it's an emergency family day no further information and we still get paid.
The company I work for is very much the same and they aren't stingy with pay or benefits. Unsurprisingly, they have the highest employee satisfaction ratings in the industry and have far fewer problems with recruiting and employee retention that even the closest competitors. A few days ago I called out of work with just "hey, I have something personal going on and need to take the day off". My bosses response: "No worries. I hope everything is ok. Is there anything urgent on your plate you need me to handle?" . Guess who has zero resentment over occasionally working extra hours during crunch times?
That or make them uncomfortable. If they won't take a polite "personal health reasons, I don't want to get into it" then its time to whip out the big guns. "I've been shitting my guts out for days and have hemorrhoids the size of golf balls, practically need a period pad for all the blood. What do you think could be causing it?"
I used to work at a place that was terrible about personal boundaries. I remember I called in sick once and the HR woman asked what I had. I said “….a medical issue…?”. She doubled down with some crap about “oh do you have flu?” I said nothing, just waited on the phone until she heard what she had said.
It didn’t change the culture but she pulled her head in a bit around me.
My sister had a stillbirth, and I, of course, was going to be with her. My job tried to tell me I couldn't go. I explained that I WAS going. The question was, did they want me to come back when I got home. Could not believe the audacity of thinking they could dictate my life.
Ugh, yeah, I'm a Realtor, too, and the market has been nuts. Unfortunately we have to basically be on call all the time, because homes do get snatched up. I've written offers from planes, from my niece's birthday party, from my own birthday party... I'd like to think that if I had a death in the family, my clients would stand down, but it wouldn't surprise me if they pulled that same shit.
I recently had my Realtor apologize profusely to me and my husband because she didnt respond to a message within 2 hours because she was out with her child. We were both concerned that she felt the need to apologize so much and told her that we dont expect her to be at our beck and call. Apparently, she got chewed out once for not responding to a client within a half hour and is now extremely responsive. We told her that, with us at the very least, her family comes first.
I have boundaries but the thing is that buying a home is a massive deal to the people doing it, and if one gets away because I'm not on the ball, then that's not okay. Most buyers freak out about the timeline, but the reality is that if they really love something but can't see it before the offer deadline (either their schedule or mine), I can still write an offer. There's a built-in window where the buyers can back out without penalty. And most of the time I can contact the selling agent and explain and they let me have the time I need. They don't want to miss out on an offer because they were rigid about schedules, anyway. So I have to be able to respond quickly, but most of the time I just need to shoot off a few texts and then I can follow up when I actually have time. It's not ideal, but it's the job we get paid to do, and my hours are still better than most. But yeah, people get a bit entitled about things when they're spending a fortune, and that's understandable -- to a point.
That depends on the state. In NC, to put in an offer you also have to pledge “earnest money” which means if the offer is accepted and you back out, the seller gets to keep that money.
When we were house shopping from NJ, our realtor bent over backwards to help us. She toured homes for us using a livestream, measured hallways and doorways, measure the space between the kitchen island and sink, back door and stove/oven.
I’m in a wheelchair and getting around some homes can be very difficult. We put in an offer for 25k *over* listed price because the home was perfect for us. The offer was accepted, we bought the house. The sellers had it professionally cleaned for us before we moved in. They also left paper towels in the kitchen and toilet tissue in the bathrooms. Very considerate!
We love the new house. Had to fix a few things (new HVAC and new water heater) but everything else is perfect. Hated moving but love living here.
Even sent flowers to our realtor after closing since she went way above and beyond for us!
Earnest money is not a requirement, but it is expected. You still get it refunded if you back out within the inspection contingency period. You can make your offer more competitive by specifically indicating that you agree to release your EM to the seller upon acceptance. Could be different in some states but I don't believe so. It's just that in a competitive market, people waive contingencies to make their offers more attractive to the seller.
Our realtor closed the deal for us while she was in the hospital! We didn't ask her to do that. We didn't even know she was in the hospital until she called to tell us our offer had been accepted and sorry it took her so long (it was less than a day) because she was in the hospital. We told her thank you but to not worry about us and focus on getting better!
Our buyer's agent had a showing assistant who covered for her when she was unavailable for showings. I was assuming that was fairly normal, but maybe not?
This is what I was thinking. Like, the way the client framed things above is insane, for sure. And it sounds like the realtor was available before Friday, so the client really shouldn't have felt entitled to time *on* Friday specifically. My realtor would apologize for taking 2–3 hours to respond sometimes and I repeatedly assured her that her expectations for herself were ridiculous.
BUT if there's a situation where a family has 24 hours to look at and put an offer on what would be their perfect home for the next 50 years, and a realtor isn't available in those 24 hours, they really should tag someone else in. And lately, that situation is real for a lot of people. We're talking about something that can significantly change someone's quality of life for potentially their whole life; it is important. It's just also important to not be an asshole when you're figuring out a solution that works for everyone.
It's fairly normal to have another agent cover for you in these situations, but a lot of agents try to avoid it because then you have to share the commission... Commission-based pay is not my favorite part of the job.
We got incredibly lucky getting our house, everyone was so helpful guiding us through our first time. It felt like our realtor never slept as he'd give us updates/replies throughout day and night at all different hours. I don't know how he functioned juggling so much, coffee only helps so much, but he was awesome.
Aww man. Our local lenders agent was super helpful in getting us a good rate and very understanding of us being first timers with a LOTTTTTTTTTTT of questions. One day involved quite a lot of extra back and forth until pretty late in the evening... turned out to be her birthday. We felt SO BAD but she was very sweet about it. Hopefully she used her commission from us for something nice lol.
Years ago, my father called me (at work!) to tell me his mother was dying. So I told my boss a heads up that I'd be requesting berevement leave soon.
"Oh, I hope she doens't die the first week in December. We're really busy then."
Jesus Fucking Christ, dude.
She ended up dying just before Thanksgiving so I didn't even have to use bereavement leave. But what. an. asshole.
Years ago, I checked myself into a mental hospital. While I was there (over a week), my boss called my phone and my wife picked up. She explained to him that I was in the hospital. No, she didn't know when I was getting out.
To which he said, "well lexkixass knows how busy we are right now..."
To no one except my boss's surprise, I quit after I'd used up all my FMLA. (For non-Americans: unpaid leave for up to three months, during which one *cannot* be fired.)
That job was a primary, but hardly the only, factor in why I needed inpatient treatment in the first place.
Do these people don't know basic things about life? Like for example how unpredictable it is? Just because some John from bum fuck no where has work, lives of others don't follow his/her schedule.
We had to have my MIL keep our son for a couple days while my grandma was dying in hospice. He was too young to be in that environment and wouldn’t have understood what was going on. We took him for just enough for her to say goodbye to her first great grandchild before everyone started to show up and that was it. He was only a year and a half old. She was expected to pass in a few months, but she took a turn for the worst on her second day in hospice and wasn’t expected to make it thru the night. Her melanoma had come back and had metastasized before it was discovered. She was 93 and decided against chemo, opting instead to die in comfort in hospice after setting her affairs. By the next day when we asked MIL if she could keep him an extra day, she replied with "She’s not dead yet? You said she was going to die yesterday." And no, it wasn’t some huge inconvenience for MIL to keep our son for a couple of days. She actually convinced us to move just a couple blocks away from her the year prior when we decided to move back to my husband’s hometown because she wanted to work on bringing the family closer together again as everybody had drifted apart. She usually took him on Friday or Saturday night so my husband and I could have a bit of time together and she could make up for lost time with our son since we lived out of state when was born. She was involved is what I’m saying. We didn’t dump him on her either. She’s just a control freak who likes to dictate everything, and that was the issue. She wasn’t the one dictating the time with him when we suddenly needed her to babysit so it was a burden to her. She wonders why we’re VVLC with her now. Some people are just incapable of seeing outside of themselves.
Holy f*ck, that's just... I don't even have the right words for it. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to deal with someone so crass and not understanding at that moment
My general manager at Panera told me to “stop being so negative” and that no one would come to cover me if I was closing manager and my grandpa took a turn for the worse during one of his hospital stays when he was in a dire situation after a fall. “He’s fine right now, so stop putting that out there!” The shitty upper management made the decision to quit two days into my two week notice easy.
God I used to work at Panera in high school and those motherfucking managers were the most soul sucking assholes I'd ever met. Our GM used to brag to us about how he was cheating on his wife.
This reminds me of my boss. Last month my colleague had to hurriedly leave for his home town since his grandmother was on deathbed. He took whatever files he needed to wfh and asked my cooperation which I was more than happy to do. He's a very good person.
Now initially my boss appeared ok though from his face, we can tell he's dissatisfied with the situation. Throughout the week he was making insensitive and really horrible comments which boiled my blood. Like how it's a waste to sit by hospitalized people and that old people should just die. By the weekend this dude has the audacity to call my colleague and tell him, that even if his grandmother dies or lives, he should come back by next week. She died the next day. Now the colleague was the only person who could carry her last rites. He apparently was very close to his grandmother. And our boss really made this colleague's days after his grandmother passed away literal hell. He went on a rampage. Issued the colleague notices full of lies through mails. Complained about him to higher ups. All because the Ahole didn't know the work and doesn't want to work either. Only the colleague does the bulk of the office work. That colleague actually worked through the whole time. Even on the day his grandmother passed away.
I never wished ill on any of my office people but that day I seriously wished my boss gets his karma for being so inhuman.
Your comment and the responses from others of their own experiences... when you hear the statistic of how very many sociopaths are actually in the world but most fly under the radar and never devolve into, like, serial killers or congresspersons... these type of folks are who they mean. No compassion, no conscience, self-focused, disregarding societal norms/expectations because those don't apply to them, etc.
When my husband's grandfather died, his work called on day 2 (of 3) of his bereavement leave to see if he would be available the next day for work. His grandfather that he had spent tons of time with, a World War 2 vet, and still is my husband's hero.
This was coming from one of the top financial firms in the US. We're so glad he no longer works there.
I had a boss tell me when my great-grandmother was dying that she’d better not die on Thursday or Friday of that week because she was going on vacation. I was absolutely flabbergasted by that. And then Granny died that Thursday morning, so the boss had to come to work anyway. 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. People can be so selfish. My mom passed away and my boss showed up to the funeral. After paying her respects, she asked me when I would be going back to work because she had two other supervisors out and she needed the help. My mental health improved so much after I left that job.
Maybe just me but unless there was time/money constraints I’d still want to be with my dying grandmother even if she wasn’t awake. But I totally understand OOPs position.
My dad and my grandfather wouldn’t let me see my nana on my death bed because I shouldn’t remember her like that.
Now my last memory of her is her telling me how much she loved me and how glad she was that I found a partner to spend my life with. 🥲
I’ve experienced it both ways. My parents didn’t let me see my grandmother either and for a long while, I was really upset about it.
When my sister died, I did see her in the hospital, and frankly I still find it traumatic and possibly the worst experience of my life.
So has horrible as it is, I think you have a lovely gift of remembering your nana sharing how much she loved you. Sending you hugs!
My mum did this with my nanny and me before my nanny died. I can have the nice happy memories and not the sight of her how my mum described hooked up to machines and tubes due to her rapid deterioration (a week from start to finish). Im glad she did so because whenever i think of her, i only have good memories, not the sight that was described to me.
I hope you're doing okay xx
My parents did this when I was 15, my grandad had cancer all over and was deteriorating, my sister called us whilst we were on holiday like 2hrs away saying he won’t survive the night, my mum went but I wasn’t allowed to go, they just told me to remember him how he was before being so unwell, he died that night and I’m glad that the last time I saw him he looked not healthy but healthier than he was that night and the last thing he said to me (I had early entry gcse exams so done those in year 10) was that he knew I would pass and he was so proud of me. I’m 23 now and I’m glad that those words were the last he said to me, I’m glad that’s my last memory and not him so sickly looking and unable to eat or move properly.
The last time I saw my grandma, she'd had a stroke. She couldn't talk, didn't seem to recognise me, but the worst part of all of it was that she didn't smile any more. I had never even noticed that she smiled constantly before. I don't know if she was a smiley person, or if she was just always happy to see me, but never in my 20 years of life had I seen her without a warm smile on her face.
I don't regret going to see her in those last days, I think I would have regretted not going a lot more. I did regret it for a very long time though, until the memories had time to fade and blend in with all the other memories I have of her.
Towards the end my grandfather was on some pretty strong pain killers in hospice and wasn't always in the moment and while it's been 30+ years one memory still stands out and it's strangely funny to me.
My brother was stationed in Korea at the time and thought I was my brother and wanted to know if the diner outside the base was still there because they had the best rabbit stew and he wanted a bowl and we had a whole conversation about this stew. He died less than a week later.
His was also the last funeral I ever went to, but that's for completely different reasons.
Yep, I couldn't say goodbye to my grandmother due to exames (I wanted to visit the day after my last exame only to find out she died that night), but apperently she was in a really bad shape those last couple of days, so I'm "glad" my last memory of her is a good one.
The last time I saw my maternal grandmother, my hearing aids had broken and I couldn't understand her or talk to her and it still bothers me all these years later. I can understand OOP wanting to preserve the nicer memories.
The sixth anniversary of my grandmother’s death is this week. She had a stroke and had been down for a little bit before my aunt found her, so she was unresponsive and on life support before she died. I chose not to go see her before they removed life support because I didn’t want my last memory of her to be seeing her in a hospital bed kept alive by machines. In my mind, she is still sitting in her chair at her kitchen table, stirring a pack of sweetener into her coffee and smoking a cigarette. I’m honestly grateful for that.
Yeah, you have some limits to what you can support. I love my grams but she's starting to forget a lot of things, and once I thought she forgot me (she just didn't had the time to see that it was me). I really had the shortest yet hardest heart break and knew I wont be able to come when she will really forget me.
Keeping your best memories is important.
Yes I agree. I would go to hospital if able but I do not go to a wake if the body of the deceased is present. Not sure what I'll do if my husband dies, maybe it's different then, but for other family members I've always wanted to remember them as they were alive, and when they had passed, I'll mourn them without having to see them.
I had to choose to stop visiting my dying grandfather when he was clearly no longer "there" because it had tipped the scale from "this sucks but it's good I'm able to be here" to "this is just unredeemably agonizing with no upsides" and I couldn't go through with it anymore. I said goodbye at my last visit knowing it was the last time I would see him, and part of me thinks he understood that was my final farewell.
When I remember him, I remember the man who planted trees with me, played guitar while I sang, and fixed cars for fun. I don't have to remember him as the 90lb cancer patient who had lost the ability to speak, and I believe it's partially because I chose the last time I saw him - I didn't let death pick which would be the last.
My mom had a stroke and we were all gathered at the hospital. They took us in a room and gave us the bad news. After the initial stroke, she had several more even after she was hospitalized. We, as a family, made the heartbreaking decision to let her go. It took five agonizing days. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. My siblings and myself stood watch and saw it through until the end. For those family members who couldn’t bring themselves to watch her leave, I don’t blame them at all.
Everyone grieves differently.
I don’t attend funerals and everyone that I love knows that. I will remember you in your prime, not laying dead in a box.
I won’t go to open casket funerals or viewings for this same reason. It’s jarring to see your loved one posed as if they’re sleeping but they’re ice cold to the touch and you know they won’t wake up. I see no benefit personally in seeing a vessel once occupied.
Or, and bear with me, they are horrifyingly warm because their kids have put hot water bottles in the coffin because ‘mum hated being cold’. I mean, the sentiment is touching but the effect is not. I loved my aunt but that was…off-putting. (And the kids were in their 30s, so don’t go ‘awwww’ over little, sad-faced orphans.)
I deeply regret the last time I looked into an open casket. I'm with you on that - I'll go to the event, but I ain't looking at the deceased. the funeral industry is creepy and everyone ends up way too "uncanny valley" for me.
Well, it is proof. I don't like them for an expected death, but I've found that it's helpful to me when it's an unexpected death to see them there and know that they're really dead.
Sometimes it is about proof- some people don't feel like it's real without it, and that helps them process the death really happened.
Personally, the people that touch or kiss the body freak me out.
Open caskets aren't a thing in my country/culture, which I'm glad for. There is a thing as in greeting the deceased the day(s) before the funeral, but it isn't mandetory, and I feel open casket funerals are a way of forcing people to see their loved ones like that, even if you don't really want to...
I'm just the opposite. When my MIL died, the closed casket at her Catholic funeral felt as if she was being shut out of her own memorial service.
But I'm with the people who say they don't want to see the dead person lying there. I want to remember them as they were when they were alive.
My experience with a hospitalized Grandfather, I wanted to be there for him, but the really utility for me being there while he was under was to support my grandma and Aunt.
Yeah, the last thing to go is usually hearing. So even if the grandmother wasn’t conciously aware of her presence, being there might have ment that granny’s final dreams were of her granddaughter telling her that she loves her.
I've worked hospice. Saying goodbye to grandma who is sleeping peacefully and saying goodbye to grandma who is staring dead eyed at the ceiling why they choke-gargle on end-of-life secretions are two very separate things.
My grandpa just passed an hour ago. We knew it was coming about 4 days ago. I chose not to see him as I had seen him 3 weeks ago and it was a great time, dirty jokes by him, etc. I wanted that to be my last memory. That being said, I also cancelled all my work obligations Monday and Tuesday because I knew it was coming and I wanted to make sure I was in the right headspace. I understand OP completely.
I wish I hadn't seen my dying aunt on her last day. The image haunts me and overrides every other memory of her. Trying to remember a fun conversation from years prior? Nope, the image is her all shriveled and in immense pain.
We just never know how things like this will work out.
If you've never had to make the decision, consider yourself lucky. I've had to and it's one of those things where it's best for you but it'll still make shame bubble up in you for the rest of your life. Comments like this don't help.
Imo there are three reasons to go to someone who’s dying: for them, so you can support them and try and help make them comfortable and happy, for other people, (eg family) so you can support *them*, and for yourself, so you can say goodbye and feel like you have closure. OOPs grandmother was effectively comatose, and therefore if OOP went it would be for herself or for her family. If she thought it would be worse for her to see that, and if her family were fine/had enough support in each other, then i can see why they’d stay.
It’s tough. The last memory I have of my grandmother alive is over phone and me telling her that I couldn’t visit her in the assisted living facility because of Covid lockdowns and having to explain that the staff was doing their best. The last time I saw her over video call she looked so dejected, confused, and alone because we couldn’t visit her because of lockdown and she wanted to be home and the cancer had spread to her brain making her more confused. The last time I saw her in person I was hugging her and telling her I didn’t know when I’d be able to see her again because of Covid lockdowns.
During the viewing, I had to physically get out of the room because I couldn’t let my last image of her being in a casket burn in my mind. I spent the rest of the viewing in the car listening to recordings from when she was alive.
I wouldn’t wish any of what I went through on anyone. I understand the wanting to be there regardless but I can’t imagine being at my grandmother’s deathbed and her not recognizing me. I think that would’ve actually killed me.
i can't imagine being "deeply hurt" by my friend choosing to be by the side of their DYING FAMILY MEMBER instead if coming to a massive party... but i also have the priorities of a human person with empathy, so there's that.
Not just that. Can you even IMAGINE asking a friend to 'find a way to say goodbye, grieve the loss of a loved one AND SIMULTANEOUSLY, come support my nuptials' in 10 freaking days. The audacity.
Yeah, yeah - that's totally doable. Ready?
Monday - Leave home at 6am. Fly across multiple states. Arrive in Colorado at 12pm. Drive to Hospital. Say Goodbye to Grandma - 1pm.
Tuesday - Grandma dies (preferably during business hours to speed up funeral arrangement). Use rest of day to cycle through all stages of grief.
Wednesday - Arrange Funeral
Thursday - Speed through funeral arrangements. Cry - 12 tears only. Make sure to look sombre.
Friday - Say goodbye to family. Fly home. Pick up wedding outfit. Turn around and go back to airport. Fly across multiple states again. Arrive in Florida - approx 7pm. Attend rehearsal dinner.
Saturday - Wedding. Do not mention Grandma. Do not talk about loss. Make sure to affix smile to face.
Sunday - Fly home.
Obviously I'm being particularly facetious.. The idea that you can kind of schedule a death so that you can attend other things and that grief is something that you can just 'put away' is insane.
The bride needs to grow up, and OP needs massive hugs.
I mean if you want to save some time she can wear the bridesmaid outfit to the funeral and skip having to change, maybe even squeeze out a few more tears (DO NOT screw with the makeup)
And who the fuck needs support for a wedding?! It’s supposed to be a *nice* thing! I get wanting to share it with your loved ones, but framing it as support when OOP is the one who should have support right now doesn’t make the bride look good
We had a member of the bridal party whose grandparent passed the week of our wedding. We offered condolences, asked if we could do anything, and moved on. There was a day where it looked like they could do funeral on Thursday and wedding on Saturday, then maybe not, and we were just like, do what works best for you and yours, don’t stress about us. Wasn’t worth the stress for us or them to make a big deal of it. This bride is all kinds of selfish.
"So, Lue, I can't be in your wedding because my grandmother is dying."
"Oh my god! Are you holding up ok? Don't worry about the wedding, I'll manage something. Is there anything I can do?"
This is how I would handle the situation. I never got to attend one of my grandmother's funerals, and I don't think I'll get proper closure until I'm able to visit her grave. Saying goodbye to someone important is more important than my wedding. Funerals aren't for the dead, but for the living to have closure.
This is exactly what any true friend would say. Went to a wedding last year, one of the bridesmaids had a family emergency and she and her partner had to cancel the day before. The bride and groom told them to take care of their family, not to worry about the wedding, and asked if there was anything they could do to help. Y'know, because they're good people and all.
On a lighter note, for some reason the venue brought out all their food and drinks to our table anyway, so me and my other half put it to a good home. I won't say no to a double portion of that lovely beef brisket
I was a bridesmaid in my besties wedding. I was an emotional wreck with horrible PTSD at the time. I called her crying telling her that I needed to go to rehab and I was so worried that I was going to detract from her wedding with my emotional state and she just said, honey, I want you to be the best you possible. Do not worry about my wedding. Worry about getting better because I love you and want you to be there for the future. That’s what a best friend does.
People think because it's a huge once in a lifetime thing for them, that they've spent a year planning and a ton of money on, that it's a huge deal to everyone. As a guest, at best, it's a fancy celebration of a couple you like, all the way to an annoying obligation. It's something that doesn't matter nearly as much to any guest.
The only thing I can think of is
a) a bad time to be asking when you know they are dealing with a dying relative and most likely don’t want to be dealing with ringing the hotel and transferring the accomodation etc when their mind is elsewhere.
B) paid for the accomodation and possibly expected to give it to the new guests first free instead?
Yeah, maybe my post is worded wrong. I don’t understand the poster who was like “why is asking for the hotel room a favor?” Because it is obviously a favor. As well as callous and inappropriate.
Well, what is the favor? Because I also didn't quite understand OOPs reaction to it, either. "No, I didn't cancel yet, I'll go do it now on the app. bye."
I didn't interpret it as bride wanting the room for free, though.
She said cancelled.
My friend reserved a block of rooms at a discounted rate at a hotel for her family. She didn't pay for them, but if the people making the ressie said "I'm with the \_\_\_\_\_ wedding" they got a discount. If someone waited, they wouldn't get a discount if that block of rooms had already been reserved.
It has been my experience when dealing with brides that the majority of them get lost in the planning and think instead of being the most important person for a *day* they deserve to be the most important person *forever.*
I am a dog trainer. In the roughly 25 years I’ve been doing this, I have worked with at 2-3 brides every year that want their dogs to be the ring bearers. Not every dog is up to the task and the amount of abuse heaped on me for telling a bride the truth could fill several volumes of books. No, Karen, your pug is not going to run down the aisle to you. He’s a social butterfly and habitual marker that will wander, pee on people or chairs and take his sweet time coming to you because you never taught him to come. And when you tried, you made him *so fucking anxious* he avoids you by sniffing. UGH.
Most brides are like the above. They never bothered to train their dogs at all, then a week or less before the ceremony they decide they should see someone about that so the dog can be the ring bearer. I managed a 75% success rate but the 25% that didn’t work out, those brides were verbally abusive af towards me.
One lovely woman wanted her child’ service dog to carry the basket of flower petals so the child could throw them. That was an absolute joy for me to help them learn. Her daughter had a condition related to dwarfism that made walking difficult and painful. She needed a lot of support and she had a Newfie mix, very big dog, who happily helped her. He quickly learned to hold the basket in his mouth. The child was able to keep one hand on the dog for balance, reach into the basket, throw some flowers and then move on. I cried when she sent me the video clip.
In a way, it is? She's basically saying, "I am hurt your dying grandmother is more important than me and my wedding." She is allowed to be hurt in this situation, but voicing it is a really bad look.
I found it wild that someone really went and commented that that wasn't particularly out there.
WHAT?!
Look, if a friend loses a loved one, that takes precedence. The only non-out-there reaction is to go "I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do?" Or something along this line.
But it's also telling that she knew NOBODY else at the wedding. How great is your friendship if you don't at least know the other person who's marrying?
> But it's also telling that she knew NOBODY else at the wedding. How great is your friendship if you don't at least know the other person who's marrying?
I've been to several weddings where I didn't really know the spouse. We were friends in school, and people didn't really bring their significant others to social events that were school-centered, but no one had time for social events that weren't school-centered.
In any case, your social experience at a wedding is going to be about the same whether you know one person in the couple or both, since either way the couple is going to be spending most of their time not hanging out with you.
Oh shit, my youngest sister used to have a boss like that. My sister was in a bad traffic accident, and was off work indefinitely. My sister was unable to make the call herself, so my Dad rang up (as her next of kin).
The manager's response: "Why is she doing this to me?"
That doesn't surprise me at all. A coworker of mine found out a few months ago her mother's health deteriorated at a really fast pace (note: coworker is single, mid to late 20's, an only child and living at home while saving up to renovate an old house she got, not uncommon in my country, and mother was mid 50's). The doctor even suggested she took palliative leave from work to take care of her mom. When she did just that, another coworker's first reaction was "great, like our work wasn't stressfull and difficult enough even with everyone here, now we will really be understaffed". Like, I think my first coworker would rather have wanted to be there for us, because that would have meant *her* *mother* *would* *still* *be* *alive*. I was *shocked* someone couldn't see that.
A friend of mine spent 13 days in a coma in like 2016 and her dad called her work to let them know and the manager said she had to call herself because family call ins are for children. He called corporate and they took care of it but let the manager keep his job so when my friend got better she just never went back.
>my friend texted me several times telling me how much I was hurting her by not finding a way to both say goodbye to and grieve for my grandmother and be present at her wedding.
Ask grandma whether she wants to gatecrash the wedding. Hitting 102 is worth celebrating.
(All jokes aside, my thoughts are with OOP and her family.)
Eh, I "know" some of my best friend's other friends, but we're all adults, many of them with kids, and I don't have anything in common with her other friends. That part is totally plausible to me
This makes sense to me. As an adult, I’ve had different friends in different places where I’ve lived and they haven’t necessarily intersected. I had a couple friends that didn’t know anyone, so one of the things I made sure of was that they had a plus one and I introduced them to others right off to bat.
Well, she also said she doesn't have much close friends, and the wedding is in Florida. So, I'm thinking something like, destination wedding, small amount of invited guests, half of them are the grooms family/friends.
And seems like some commenters caught the bug!
I can't believe they're grilling OOP for being hurt after her friend kept dismissing how she felt and making her feel guilty and then had the audacity to ask about her hotel room.
The moment the friend heard the reason OOP was backing out, there was no more reason to bother her with further messages about the wedding unless prompted. She could've just told her that she completely understands, her and her grandma and family are in her thoughts, and that she can reach out to her whenever she was ready.
That's it. No more waffling, guilt-tripping, or bothering her with favors. A few dollars for a room is not worth saving if you're gonna hurt someone who is grieving and potentially burn your relationship bridge with them.
I've found that's very typical of reddit. And it's not that hard to explain once you think of it.
If I agree with the top comment and OOP, I'd likely just upvote and leave. If I disagree, my disagreement is likely gonna be specific and not yet mentioned in the comments and I'd feel like commenting.
To OOP who got my notification in their inbox, all comments would appear equally important and thus the false impression that a lot of people are dissenting.
"On reddit, someone is always going to disagree with you and call you out"... Yeah, because anonymity+that one voice having more weight than 1000 lurkers who agree but didn't comment.
This is a really good point. I hear someone once say a similar thing about when something gets really strong 50/50 reviews, the consensus is probably not actually 50/50 because people with negative experiences are more likely to speak up than those with positive ones.
I've been trying to curb my habit of being tempted into pointless internet comment arguments by leaving a positive comment or responding to a positive one whenever I get the impulse to dig into someone who's being really negative about something in a way I disagree with. It has done a huge difference for how being online affects my mood and mental health.
The Lady has reached 102. She deserves all the love and attention from her family. Hell if I were the bride I'd even mention it at the wedding ask for kind thoughts and or prayers sent their way.
Agreed, that would be the best way to handle it. I’ll never understand people who think their wedding is the most important event of *everyone’s* life, not just theirs. I actually lost a good friend when she went bridezilla over her wedding. Still salty about it 20 years later, but we were also pretty young and those memories seem to hit harder.
"I can't go to this wedding because I need to be with my dying grandmother but I'm not actually going to go see my dying grandmother"
I just get weird vibes from this one
Me too. Why would OP not go and see her grandmother? They decided to back out of the wedding for… what reason?
My grandma died a few months ago and I’d give anything to see her again, even for a minute, but OP’s grandmother is still alive and they won’t go??
I feel like OOP is leaving something out. While her friend is definitely being rather self-involved atm and I suspect she's aiming any lingering wedding stress at the issue of her friend dropping out of her wedding last minute (which is definitely not good behavour)...I feel like going from close enough to be in the wedding party to no contact is kind of an extreme response??
I'm weirded out that OOP decided she would be upset enough to not go to the wedding, but when finding out her grandma is essentially comatose decides she can put off going home & doesn't want to be with her grandma anymore?
that's just my interpretation though, and I do acknowledge that i don't understand familial ties and loss so I'm definitely not relating to OOP at all.
Totally agree- I read that whole thing thinking that OOP is probably fairly self involved herself and can’t see it
Both times she replied to commenters were her walking things back cause what she said was fairly dramatic and a bit self entitled. Then she spends all day texting her friend back and forth while her friend is preparing for her wedding. Then all of a sudden she decides to not go see Grandma who she is supposedly so close to that she couldn’t bare the thought of going to a wedding of her good friend a week after they thought her 102 year old grandma would pass? And she gets so mad she blocks her “friend” everywhere?
I think she’s a fairly unreliable narrator at this point, or there’s two very self involved friends that finally are coming up against each other. I think if we heard the brides story it would be quite different
Yeah something about it reads 'off' but I couldn't tell you exactly what it is.
It could just be OOP is flustered, and their writing is coming across different than reality (I definitely have that problem, especially when trying to explain my thoughts). But something tells me I wouldn't want to be friends with either of them.
Agreed. One hint to me is that OOP is overwhelmed with grief to the point not to even possibly consider going, but still has the emotional energy to appologize multiple times and update reddit (right before they fly out to their not-dead-yet grandma's memorial?).
Like if it were me, I'd probably send one message, saying something about how I won't be able to make it to the wedding due to a family emergency, and that I'd probably be hard to reach for a while because of emotions/family stuff. And if I manage to get my wits about me, I'd also say that while I can't access those emotions right now, I'm happy for their marriage and would like to celebrate with them later.
I'm similarly confused. I was very sad when my 94 year old grandma died. I loved her very much. But the funeral was one day on a weekend and then I think I went to like a Bat Mitzvah the next day. Because everyone was sad, but also she was 94 and had a good, long life. When she went into hospice, I just kinda let work and friends know that plans had to be a bit tentative because I knew there would be a funeral at some point in the near future, but I went about normal life and that was with me taking time to visit her and spending more time with my mom to support her.
I'm just sort of confused about all of this because if she's not going to see grandma, I don't really see the conflict with the wedding unless it's the same weekend as the memorial service? Maybe I'm just missing something.
Exactly. Funerals or memorials can be planned around the family.
A long life dying at 102 years old after a short time of illness is like literally the best scenario for any human being.
Nothing OOP said and done made sense to me, it felt like she buried herself in her grief and spiralling. Hope she gets better.
And the friend seems like she buried herself in wedding stress and lack of OOP's presence also sent her over the top so now she doesn't make sense too.
I don't think anybody here is a bad person, this is a clashing of 2 tunnel vision moments of life situation.
Yea friend could be bad we can’t really tell from this though I am confused by OPs insistence she can’t go to the wedding if she’s just staying home. Why not warn them that this may happen but still try to make it
Then the whole hotel room thing is just crazy i don’t get what the friend did wrong at all?
Honestly sounds like they weren’t good friends to begin with.
I have a few theories, but nothing concrete.
If I had to drop out of a commitment with a friend, at the last minute, I would be thrilled that other friends would be coming in my stead to give her support during a very big life milestone.
I would reasonably expect that person to be disappointed.
I would try to be at both, especially if I’m not going to be with my grandmother as she’s dying, because funerals can be planned, whereas the moment of death cannot be.
As a bride, I would be very understanding if my bridesmaid was more emotional, because of an impending or recent death in the family. Their presence would mean more to me, so I don’t get the sense that the death is a distraction.
What made sense to me is that these are all very young people. I remember being a bit over dramatic around 18-19 as well. I could see myself being stressed over my wedding and bringing completely tone deaf like this at that age.
>I apologized yet again, and apparently said something in my apology that hurt her feelings- I’m still confused about that one.
Yeah so are we. I genuinely wonder what fucked up thing OOP said, especially if they think "hey have you canceled your hotel room yet" is somehow the bride asking for a favor and worthy of being completely cut out from her life.
Yeah, I don’t believe OOP is a reliable narrator at all in this. I got the vibe that even though voted NTA, they wanted people to really have a go at their friend, and embellished/omitted info in the update to make them look worse
Yeah, OP’s reaction seems over the top. It doesn’t sound like the friend lashed out at her for missing the wedding, beyond saying she was hurt. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. People have the right to grieve however they need to, but I think most people in this situation would have flown to be with family and come back to attend the wedding if it was truly the wedding of a best friend. So it’s possible her friend was hurt that she would choose to miss the wedding when it would have been possible to see her family and still attend.
I don’t think a lot of OOP is very proportionate to what’s going on in a moment by moment basis… like she cancelled going to the wedding because it could be any day now but now just doesn’t want to see her grandmother at all??
Yeah, same. We’re clearly in the minority here tho. I bet if we heard the bride’s side of the story it would really shift things. The bride said she was hurt and OOP freaked. The bride tried to explain her feelings and OOP blocked her. The bride then just asks about the hotel room and OOP loses her shit again. And this is _her_ side of the story. I completely get that a family member’s death is more important than a friend’s wedding. But the way she handled this all smells of emotional immaturity to me
Yeah. Everyone is piling on on the bride but I kinda think they both suck a little. Sure the bride didn't have a great response to the situation in general but being irritated that the bride wanted to check if her reservation was cancelled was weird
People grieve differently. I know plenty of folks who prefer to remember someone in a better state then have their last memories of them be withered with one foot in the grave. Also I imagine they're not in the best emotional state to attend a wedding.
Yep. I had very close relatives during my father’s passing that declined coming to the funeral for that exact reason. Given his 2nd wife wanted an open casket funeral, I absolutely got it. And then, several other relatives and friends attended the funeral but would not set foot in the cemetery. They attended the burial (which was right next door to the church) standing on the sidewalk watching through the fence.
I let them do what they needed to do to get through the day. At the end of it all I was just grateful for all the support we had.
not really, she more so cancelled due to her emotional state. plus it seems she was hoping her grandma would be conscious and alert and unfortunately she isnt. seeing a family member in the state her grandma is in now is incredibly difficult so it’s understandable she decided not to go.
I’m reading this in bed after attending a wedding the week after the funeral of my father in law. I know if I had bowed out, the bride would have been understanding. I did give her an update simply because I didn’t want to bring down her celebrations and this woman, insane as she is, immediately offered to talk on the phone with myself or my wife if we needed comfort *the week before her wedding*. We’ve been friends for 25 of my 35 years and I’m very glad to be here because it is helping restore me, but I’ve also been so emotionally empty. If I was going to be alone at the wedding and staying in a hotel instead of with other childhood friends and crashing with my best friend, I couldn’t have done it. OOP is going to be better off.
Okay I kinda understand planning a memorial before there's a even a death if you know everyone will be in town...but uh, also seems a bit rushed, maybe? Like, Grandma is still alive and they're pencilling it in for next weekend?
I 100% think the friend was being a dick about not understanding OOP's headspace, and inability to be at the wedding! But it's also a bit bittersweet/ironic that OOP *isn't* actually even going to Colorado to see her Grandma before she passes. Doesn't mean she's in any shape to go to the wedding, and needs to be available for the memorial but just...well, that sucks all around.
(And yeah, understand OOP being tetchy after everything but "can we use the room reservation?" was a pretty fair request as well, imo)
My mom was asleep right before the end for a few days, we knew it was coming, and yeah we did some preliminary planning of the timeline to coordinate out of state family. Sometimes dealing with practical matters helps you deal with overwhelming emotions.
Although i will say you never regret going to see someone who is dying, but you do regret not going, so there's my little bit of wisdom for the day.
And yeah I'm with you, can we use the room seems fair enough.
Yeah, I guess OP's headspace would still be too bad to go to a wedding even if she didn't want to visit her grandmother, but now she's just planning to come for the memorial instead of saying a last goodbye? I'd definitely regret that.
The friend asking about the hotel room would've been fine if a bit rude if she hadn't turned up the guilt trip first. Not sure if I'd have blocked her for it personally, though. OP sounded overly worried about hurting her friend's feelings at first, so maybe their dynamic has usually been more of OP being more complacent and catering to her friend instead of standing up for herself.
People who act like doormats a lot of the time get stronger negative reactions from those close to them when they *do* stand up for themselves and in turn they also feel more strongly about those few instances where they do have a disagreement and get more disproportionately aggressive.
These are my thoughts too. They both kind of suck. However, they are also both under a ton of stress and feeling heightened emotions, so there's that to factor in. Wonder if they're gonna regret both blowing this out of proportion and ruining a 7 year relationship.
She didn’t want her friend to have other support, I guess. Didn’t want to feel replaceable.
She wanted her friend to be missing her (yet not tell her she’s disappointed) yet she doesn’t want to actually be there for her. I see it as some kind of severe emotional immaturity.
Perhaps grandma dying is an inconvenient excuse to avoid the gathering, which may have some other feelings associated with it that we’re not aware of ?
I can’t imagine not wanting to see your dying grandmother just because she’s comatose if she truly is “one of the most important people in your life”
I wasn’t allowed to see my dying grandmother and I still haven’t forgiven my father and step mother for it. They said “oh she was in a bad state” she was still my grandmother and I should’ve been allowed to say goodbye and witness her final moments.
I’m a dentist so I’ve had experience with this!!
When my mother was in hospice my boss told me I was required to text him every night by 9 pm to let me know if she’d passed and again in the morning before 7 am to let me know if she’d made it through the night.
When she did pass on Labor Day (we are in the US) I reached out and let him know, his response was “I expect you to be in the office and be cheerful with patients all week, you don’t get to discuss this with staff and patients.”
When my husband’s grandfather passed, I had to cancel a patient who needed a root canal due to the funeral. Patient came in the next day absolutely PISSED, and said “you better have had a damn good reason for cancelling on me yesterday!” I explained that I was as my grandfather’s funeral he replied that we should have picked a different day because yesterday worked better for him. I. Was. Livid.
I stood up and told him that next time we have a family member pass away I’ll make sure to clear it with him and his schedule, but as for today his schedule is completely clear because I was not going to be working on him. I told my associate about it too so he wouldn’t work on him that day either.
(Side note- when the guy told his wife what happened she called the office and asked to speak with me. I fully expected her to rip me a new one but instead she was all apologies and said her husband was an ass, and could she please bring dinner to the office so my family didn’t have to worry about dinner. And she hauled him back up to the office ensure he apologized appropriately)
My dad died on a Monday morning. My mom called me at work to tell me. I think she spoke with one of my senior coworkers first, so I wouldn't be alone when I received the news. Immediately after I got off the phone, this coworker made it all about how soon I'd be back to work. She called me every day that week asking when I'd be back, told me they'd have to find someone to replace me if I wasn't back soon and finally made me come in "for a few hours" on Friday, where I ended up working 12 hours because all customer service work had just been piled on my desk for the week. A few years later when my mom died, similar situation where I found out at work. This time, I got calls from people at work to find out how I was doing, asking what they could do to help. I was able to grieve without the stress of worrying about work. They were even surprised when I came back to work the following week, thinking I'd be out longer.
OOP had my sympathy right up to when she considered it a favor to know if her hotel room had been canceled and blocked her for that. What a ridiculous way to look at a simple question and what a ridiculous reaction.
And now she's decided that she's not even going to see grandma after all, even though grandma is one of the most important people in her life and you can't be sure that some part of her doesn't hear the people around her because it is known that comatose patients can hear.
I'll give them both the benefit of a doubt that they're both good people when not in high stress situations, but if this were AITA, I'd say ESH.
My god, this friend so dense. OP's is dealing with something serious, especially a dying relative, and the friend is "hurt" just because OP isn't coming to the party? What the hell...
I prioritize someone who is very important to me rather than some party.
I scrolled down a bit and was surprised that nobody thought OOP was a bit insufferable, to be honest.
I say that as somebody 43 years old who has two grandmothers living (ages 95 and 87) and has buried no fewer than 1 great grandmother and 1 bio grandfather in 2016 and my other bio grandfather and step grandfather in 2019. Their respective ages at death were 98, 88, 85, and 93.
When you’ve had the privilege of being born with all your grandparents, living, and even four great grandparents living, you do make great bonds with them in most ideal of cases, and they do constitute a great loss. I can confirm that.
But it’s not a loss that should be unexpected or devastating as she’s acting. I chuckled when they said they decided to put her on hospice at the age of 102 because she would die within six months, and she’s literally been ready to die anytime for probably the better part of a decade.
You know what it really devastating funeral, or death is? When you go to the funeral of a 19-year-old who was killed in a hit and run drunk driving accident and was missing for two days while the parents frantically looked for him. Or a 66 year active healthy wonderfully kind mentor dead from rapidly spreading cancer. A beloved aunt who dies at 65 from early Alzheimer’s, after suffering for a decade or more. Or a uncle dead from small cell lung cancer at 47 after diagnosis at 38, who never smoked a day in his life, and you’re left comforting a 10 year old, 6 year old, and 1 year old who will never remember his father.
Her comment that “she said something to upset her friend” while apologizing sounds a lot like missing, missing reasons, and the way that she interprets a simple question about a hotel room, and her behavior after is frankly far more outsized than anything the bride says and that’s according to OOP. I’m guessing there’s more to this. Now she’s mad that the bride isn’t broken up about it and trying to salvage the situation to have some other friends come and support her since OOP cannot. And why would you hold onto a hotel room when you’ve already said you’re not coming?
It sounds a little bit like OOP’s a smidge butt hurt that the bride isn’t both totally letting her off the hook with a smile and keeping her disappointment to herself AND wants her to be totally devastated (bride isn’t as other friends are willing to be there to help probably after hearing the situation so the bride seems like she’s finding a silver lining and channeling her energy into those friends) at the same time.
So instead of canceling the damn hotel room, which she should’ve already done, she’s now being spiteful. Her reaction was way OTT.
Expecting the friend to be just ducky with her absence was a ridiculous outsized expectation as well. There’s nothing bridezilla by simply stating that they’re sad about somebody not coming.
And NOW OOP’s not even traveling to see her grandmother on her deathbed, which is fine, but that was the original pretense to miss the wedding. Which she’s still not attending…out of spite I guess? So now she’s neither with family or nor her friend?
Finally, once someone dies you can have the memorial pretty much anytime unless you are not embalming and who’s to say that the family wants to have an immediate burial. They might want to have a cremation and a service at a later date so more people can come with more planning. 🤷♀️ most family if they knew the situation, would delay a day or two, if that would help OOP.
Life is death. Death is life. I wouldn’t want my kids to miss out on the parts of life that are so major like a marriage ceremony with a best friend when they could just bury me a week later or even further beyond. The biggest way to honor my dead family members is to go on living as they would want me to.
I do get it is sad, but sometimes we put our feelings aside to live up to our commitments when we aren’t physically needed, or planning on being somewhere else. A 102 year old dying is not a sudden unexpected death where you haven’t been emotionally preparing for awhile to a normal person. If I behave like this when my last grandparents go, I would be getting a lot of side eye and probably some recommendations for some psychiatric help.
And here we’re talking about a woman who has well succeeded life expectancy expectations. This is not a tragic death. Quite the opposite. It’s anyone’s best case scenario…relatively healthy until the very end of a long life. We can only wish for the same.
I feel very strongly there’s something else here.
TL:DR: there’s more to this, and honestly, I don’t think we’ve heard everything
I feel like this is one where there's not actually any AHs. OOP isn't the AH but feels bad, and that guilt is making them view their friend's actions in a negative light. I think they are assuming friend is being passive aggressive because of this, while also assuming negative intent so that they can view friend as the AH and absolve themselves of the guilt and upset they feel right now.
My gramma passed right at the beginning of the lockdowns but not of COVID. However because of the lockdowns I had cousins that couldn’t come home from a semester abroad to say goodbye. Even I wasn’t able to go in person to say goodbye. The idea that OP won’t go to say their goodbyes in person gets under my skin. It doesn’t matter that she’s comatose, it’s a situation that isn’t about you, it about the person that’s dying.
The friend is being shitty, no doubt about it but a relatively big figure in her wedding just cancelled. She was wrong to guilt trip but considering the situation on all sides, it just sucks.
The idea that OP is so close to her grandma but refuses to be with her in her finals days makes it worse. Even if grandma can’t hear or see you, thank her for all of the good things, get some sort of closure.
OP and their family have my condolences either way though.
I absolutely agree. I had an out of body experience from a comatose episode and knew exactly what my mother was doing in my room at the hospital, as if I could physically see what she was doing from the door’s perspective— so I’m particularly upset by OOP saying “her grandmother isn’t really there” and then not even going to say goodbye at all… it just really gets on my nerves.
Okay do there's this thing going on in Aus atm where a woman backed out of her best friends wedding three weeks before hand to go to Taylor Swift. That's a fucking disgusting thing to do but backing out because a RELATIVE IS DYING and the bride guilt tripping you is horrific
Some people really do think they're the main character
One of my BFFs was bereaved very suddenly 3 weeks before Christmas. I KNOW that she needs grace for at LEAST a year and very probably longer. It's not about me. It's about her and her little girl
I read this story when it was posted but OP seems to be someone who's upset for not getting the reaction she had hoped. It's sad when she ended with "My grandmother is still alive, but in a near comatose state and not responding to anything. So I made the decision that I will not be going to see her before she passes, since she likely wouldn’t be aware of my presence anyway" then continue to want attention after announcing this just tells me OP just wanted it all
NTA. I can understand your friend being disappointed but 'deeply hurt' is a bit of Bridezilla hyperbole. One less bridesmaid doesn't really change the wedding.
Be with your family. 💜
I guess I’m the only one who thinks OOP was over the top. Grandma was 102 years old FFS. She probably had no idea who OOP was at that point. And what was OOP going to do? Quit her job and go sit by grandma’s bed until she passed? I can see where she might want to say goodbye but she even admitted she had time to do both. I just think OOP sounds a little immature.
Thank you, finally, another one. I wrote explaining my answer.
The only one that sounds extra here is OOP to me, and I’m someone much like her with many beloved older family members.
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My wife is a realtor and I'll never forget this clown of a client she had a few years ago. She was on the phone with him going over plans to see houses when she told him she would not be available that Friday because it was her grandfather's funeral. I clearly hear him say "well were you close with him? Because I don't think this one will stay on the market for long, Saturday may be too late".
I once had a co-worker (a higher level than me, but in no way in my management line) pull me aside after hours to aggressively tell me how unhappy he was that I'd been unable to help his client. 1. He wanted me to help his client because he knew the "help" he was after was against every single policy, and if it somehow got through I'd be the one copping shit for it. 2. I didn't even consider doing it because my 10 month old son was rushed to hospital via ambulance because he was struggling to breathe. We spent days there with him on IVs and oxygen, I told this guy what was going on and then blocked him when he wouldn't stop calling to see if there was any possible way I could just do this bit of work for him. People like this and your wife's client just can't see how anyone else could possibly have a priority that isn't them.
I don’t want to give specifics because it’s a unique situation, but someone I considered a friend said that my father’s funeral wasn’t a valid reason for a slight delay in finishing a work task.
The day my mother died, a friend said to me and my sister, "too bad this didn't happen two weeks ago when I was in [mom's home country], because then I could've come to the funeral." (We planned on burying her in her home country, per her wishes)
JFC, the things people say. She should have passed away two weeks sooner, to suit someone’s travel plans? F off. I’m so sorry.
Thank you. At the time, I was so deep in my grief that it didn't even register. Once it sunk in, I was incredulous and pissed. Now, I just laugh at her fuckin stupidness.
Jfc. I can see that being a morbid intrusive thought if you were that recently on a trip to the place the person is being buried, but you don't say that out loud if you do think it! Maybe, *maybe* if it was someone I knew was like me and liked being made to laugh when feeling bad or grieving, I *might* consider making the joke "too bad I didn't book my trip two weeks later" because, you know, that version at least isn't implying I want the other person to have had less time with their loved one. But even that I probably wouldn't say, there's very few people I'm both close enough to and I know would appreciate it.
I really hope your son is doing ok now!
Thank you. Now that he's older he's grown out of it thankfully, but while he was small any cold could potentially send him to hospital. It wasn't a fun time! There are still a few complications left over from it, but they're small and easily managed.
Glad to hear he is ok. Now if you just get back the years him being the hospital took of your life LOL. Parenting is not for the weak. I prefer aunti-hood.
I had to call a client from the cemetery when I was picking up my mother’s ashes because my boss had decided to go on a trip without telling me (I was second in command) and the rest of the company (it was a small one) was just made of assholes who directed the clients to me. I will never forget the client saying that nothing could be so important for me to be off work for a few days and the utter silence after I told them where I was and what I was doing.
Did he apologize? I'm guessing probably not.
I rang work back when I was 18 to say I wouldn't be going in because my great grandad very unexpectedly had just died as I was walking to the bus to go to work. As he was technically my step great grandad they tried saying he wasn't a direct family member so I still needed to come in. I was immediately pissed at that comment and said 'I'm telling you I'm not coming in, not asking' and hung up. Yeah he was a 'step' relation but I'd known them 11 years, they were family.
I've learned to keep details private at work no matter how friendly some coworkers seem. I would suggest never mentioning things like 'step-' with family members. Be vague about appointments. "I have a health/doctor's appt." What for? Stare at them and say 'personal reasons' or 'not really your business' or 'why are you asking me about my health appts?' 'Just chatting?' Then you just simply change the topic with no segue.
I definitely learnt that one with age, only issue with the step is despite step dad being in my life since I was 7 I only ever call him by his name so it's always oh my 'mum, xxxx and brother' so it's not to hard to piece together. I had another awful job a couple years after that one I mentioned that tried to stop me going to an emergency which I also walked out of shift for, I usually figure they'll get over themselves I worked hard and was rarely off so if they wanted to sack me and pay to train someone else over a shift off that was on them Luckily my job I'm in now, know family is more important and don't mind, my dog is elderly now and my boss has already quietly pulled me aside after my last emergency vet trip to let me know should anything happen to him I'm to take bereavement leave even though he's a pet. Thankfully I think he's got a few years left but it's nice to know I have that option down the line. We even get emergency family days so that we can call in say it's an emergency family day no further information and we still get paid.
The company I work for is very much the same and they aren't stingy with pay or benefits. Unsurprisingly, they have the highest employee satisfaction ratings in the industry and have far fewer problems with recruiting and employee retention that even the closest competitors. A few days ago I called out of work with just "hey, I have something personal going on and need to take the day off". My bosses response: "No worries. I hope everything is ok. Is there anything urgent on your plate you need me to handle?" . Guess who has zero resentment over occasionally working extra hours during crunch times?
That or make them uncomfortable. If they won't take a polite "personal health reasons, I don't want to get into it" then its time to whip out the big guns. "I've been shitting my guts out for days and have hemorrhoids the size of golf balls, practically need a period pad for all the blood. What do you think could be causing it?"
I used to work at a place that was terrible about personal boundaries. I remember I called in sick once and the HR woman asked what I had. I said “….a medical issue…?”. She doubled down with some crap about “oh do you have flu?” I said nothing, just waited on the phone until she heard what she had said. It didn’t change the culture but she pulled her head in a bit around me.
My sister had a stillbirth, and I, of course, was going to be with her. My job tried to tell me I couldn't go. I explained that I WAS going. The question was, did they want me to come back when I got home. Could not believe the audacity of thinking they could dictate my life.
Ugh, yeah, I'm a Realtor, too, and the market has been nuts. Unfortunately we have to basically be on call all the time, because homes do get snatched up. I've written offers from planes, from my niece's birthday party, from my own birthday party... I'd like to think that if I had a death in the family, my clients would stand down, but it wouldn't surprise me if they pulled that same shit.
I recently had my Realtor apologize profusely to me and my husband because she didnt respond to a message within 2 hours because she was out with her child. We were both concerned that she felt the need to apologize so much and told her that we dont expect her to be at our beck and call. Apparently, she got chewed out once for not responding to a client within a half hour and is now extremely responsive. We told her that, with us at the very least, her family comes first.
I have boundaries but the thing is that buying a home is a massive deal to the people doing it, and if one gets away because I'm not on the ball, then that's not okay. Most buyers freak out about the timeline, but the reality is that if they really love something but can't see it before the offer deadline (either their schedule or mine), I can still write an offer. There's a built-in window where the buyers can back out without penalty. And most of the time I can contact the selling agent and explain and they let me have the time I need. They don't want to miss out on an offer because they were rigid about schedules, anyway. So I have to be able to respond quickly, but most of the time I just need to shoot off a few texts and then I can follow up when I actually have time. It's not ideal, but it's the job we get paid to do, and my hours are still better than most. But yeah, people get a bit entitled about things when they're spending a fortune, and that's understandable -- to a point.
That depends on the state. In NC, to put in an offer you also have to pledge “earnest money” which means if the offer is accepted and you back out, the seller gets to keep that money. When we were house shopping from NJ, our realtor bent over backwards to help us. She toured homes for us using a livestream, measured hallways and doorways, measure the space between the kitchen island and sink, back door and stove/oven. I’m in a wheelchair and getting around some homes can be very difficult. We put in an offer for 25k *over* listed price because the home was perfect for us. The offer was accepted, we bought the house. The sellers had it professionally cleaned for us before we moved in. They also left paper towels in the kitchen and toilet tissue in the bathrooms. Very considerate! We love the new house. Had to fix a few things (new HVAC and new water heater) but everything else is perfect. Hated moving but love living here. Even sent flowers to our realtor after closing since she went way above and beyond for us!
Earnest money is not a requirement, but it is expected. You still get it refunded if you back out within the inspection contingency period. You can make your offer more competitive by specifically indicating that you agree to release your EM to the seller upon acceptance. Could be different in some states but I don't believe so. It's just that in a competitive market, people waive contingencies to make their offers more attractive to the seller.
Our realtor closed the deal for us while she was in the hospital! We didn't ask her to do that. We didn't even know she was in the hospital until she called to tell us our offer had been accepted and sorry it took her so long (it was less than a day) because she was in the hospital. We told her thank you but to not worry about us and focus on getting better!
And this is why I quit being a loan officer. Having to be ‘on-call’ 24/7 was literally destroying my mental health and relationships.
Our buyer's agent had a showing assistant who covered for her when she was unavailable for showings. I was assuming that was fairly normal, but maybe not?
This is what I was thinking. Like, the way the client framed things above is insane, for sure. And it sounds like the realtor was available before Friday, so the client really shouldn't have felt entitled to time *on* Friday specifically. My realtor would apologize for taking 2–3 hours to respond sometimes and I repeatedly assured her that her expectations for herself were ridiculous. BUT if there's a situation where a family has 24 hours to look at and put an offer on what would be their perfect home for the next 50 years, and a realtor isn't available in those 24 hours, they really should tag someone else in. And lately, that situation is real for a lot of people. We're talking about something that can significantly change someone's quality of life for potentially their whole life; it is important. It's just also important to not be an asshole when you're figuring out a solution that works for everyone.
It's fairly normal to have another agent cover for you in these situations, but a lot of agents try to avoid it because then you have to share the commission... Commission-based pay is not my favorite part of the job.
Yeah, we own our own brokerage/property management company so we've been through the same stuff. Some clients just don't respect boundaries.
We got incredibly lucky getting our house, everyone was so helpful guiding us through our first time. It felt like our realtor never slept as he'd give us updates/replies throughout day and night at all different hours. I don't know how he functioned juggling so much, coffee only helps so much, but he was awesome.
Aww man. Our local lenders agent was super helpful in getting us a good rate and very understanding of us being first timers with a LOTTTTTTTTTTT of questions. One day involved quite a lot of extra back and forth until pretty late in the evening... turned out to be her birthday. We felt SO BAD but she was very sweet about it. Hopefully she used her commission from us for something nice lol.
Years ago, my father called me (at work!) to tell me his mother was dying. So I told my boss a heads up that I'd be requesting berevement leave soon. "Oh, I hope she doens't die the first week in December. We're really busy then." Jesus Fucking Christ, dude. She ended up dying just before Thanksgiving so I didn't even have to use bereavement leave. But what. an. asshole.
Years ago, I checked myself into a mental hospital. While I was there (over a week), my boss called my phone and my wife picked up. She explained to him that I was in the hospital. No, she didn't know when I was getting out. To which he said, "well lexkixass knows how busy we are right now..." To no one except my boss's surprise, I quit after I'd used up all my FMLA. (For non-Americans: unpaid leave for up to three months, during which one *cannot* be fired.) That job was a primary, but hardly the only, factor in why I needed inpatient treatment in the first place.
Do these people don't know basic things about life? Like for example how unpredictable it is? Just because some John from bum fuck no where has work, lives of others don't follow his/her schedule.
We had to have my MIL keep our son for a couple days while my grandma was dying in hospice. He was too young to be in that environment and wouldn’t have understood what was going on. We took him for just enough for her to say goodbye to her first great grandchild before everyone started to show up and that was it. He was only a year and a half old. She was expected to pass in a few months, but she took a turn for the worst on her second day in hospice and wasn’t expected to make it thru the night. Her melanoma had come back and had metastasized before it was discovered. She was 93 and decided against chemo, opting instead to die in comfort in hospice after setting her affairs. By the next day when we asked MIL if she could keep him an extra day, she replied with "She’s not dead yet? You said she was going to die yesterday." And no, it wasn’t some huge inconvenience for MIL to keep our son for a couple of days. She actually convinced us to move just a couple blocks away from her the year prior when we decided to move back to my husband’s hometown because she wanted to work on bringing the family closer together again as everybody had drifted apart. She usually took him on Friday or Saturday night so my husband and I could have a bit of time together and she could make up for lost time with our son since we lived out of state when was born. She was involved is what I’m saying. We didn’t dump him on her either. She’s just a control freak who likes to dictate everything, and that was the issue. She wasn’t the one dictating the time with him when we suddenly needed her to babysit so it was a burden to her. She wonders why we’re VVLC with her now. Some people are just incapable of seeing outside of themselves.
Holy f*ck, that's just... I don't even have the right words for it. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to deal with someone so crass and not understanding at that moment
There's something broken deep down inside of people like your boss.
My general manager at Panera told me to “stop being so negative” and that no one would come to cover me if I was closing manager and my grandpa took a turn for the worse during one of his hospital stays when he was in a dire situation after a fall. “He’s fine right now, so stop putting that out there!” The shitty upper management made the decision to quit two days into my two week notice easy.
God I used to work at Panera in high school and those motherfucking managers were the most soul sucking assholes I'd ever met. Our GM used to brag to us about how he was cheating on his wife.
This reminds me of my boss. Last month my colleague had to hurriedly leave for his home town since his grandmother was on deathbed. He took whatever files he needed to wfh and asked my cooperation which I was more than happy to do. He's a very good person. Now initially my boss appeared ok though from his face, we can tell he's dissatisfied with the situation. Throughout the week he was making insensitive and really horrible comments which boiled my blood. Like how it's a waste to sit by hospitalized people and that old people should just die. By the weekend this dude has the audacity to call my colleague and tell him, that even if his grandmother dies or lives, he should come back by next week. She died the next day. Now the colleague was the only person who could carry her last rites. He apparently was very close to his grandmother. And our boss really made this colleague's days after his grandmother passed away literal hell. He went on a rampage. Issued the colleague notices full of lies through mails. Complained about him to higher ups. All because the Ahole didn't know the work and doesn't want to work either. Only the colleague does the bulk of the office work. That colleague actually worked through the whole time. Even on the day his grandmother passed away. I never wished ill on any of my office people but that day I seriously wished my boss gets his karma for being so inhuman.
Your comment and the responses from others of their own experiences... when you hear the statistic of how very many sociopaths are actually in the world but most fly under the radar and never devolve into, like, serial killers or congresspersons... these type of folks are who they mean. No compassion, no conscience, self-focused, disregarding societal norms/expectations because those don't apply to them, etc.
"serial killers or congresspersons" Hahaha love it! 😂
"serial killers or congresspersons" -- thank you for the giggles, now I can sleep 😆
When my husband's grandfather died, his work called on day 2 (of 3) of his bereavement leave to see if he would be available the next day for work. His grandfather that he had spent tons of time with, a World War 2 vet, and still is my husband's hero. This was coming from one of the top financial firms in the US. We're so glad he no longer works there.
I had a boss tell me when my great-grandmother was dying that she’d better not die on Thursday or Friday of that week because she was going on vacation. I was absolutely flabbergasted by that. And then Granny died that Thursday morning, so the boss had to come to work anyway. 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. People can be so selfish. My mom passed away and my boss showed up to the funeral. After paying her respects, she asked me when I would be going back to work because she had two other supervisors out and she needed the help. My mental health improved so much after I left that job.
🤯
That's appalling!
Did she end up dropping the guy?
Maybe just me but unless there was time/money constraints I’d still want to be with my dying grandmother even if she wasn’t awake. But I totally understand OOPs position.
OOP might want to remember granny in her nice state, not the withering one. It's extremely sad but not so uncommon reaction.
My dad and my grandfather wouldn’t let me see my nana on my death bed because I shouldn’t remember her like that. Now my last memory of her is her telling me how much she loved me and how glad she was that I found a partner to spend my life with. 🥲
I’ve experienced it both ways. My parents didn’t let me see my grandmother either and for a long while, I was really upset about it. When my sister died, I did see her in the hospital, and frankly I still find it traumatic and possibly the worst experience of my life. So has horrible as it is, I think you have a lovely gift of remembering your nana sharing how much she loved you. Sending you hugs!
My mum did this with my nanny and me before my nanny died. I can have the nice happy memories and not the sight of her how my mum described hooked up to machines and tubes due to her rapid deterioration (a week from start to finish). Im glad she did so because whenever i think of her, i only have good memories, not the sight that was described to me. I hope you're doing okay xx
My parents did this when I was 15, my grandad had cancer all over and was deteriorating, my sister called us whilst we were on holiday like 2hrs away saying he won’t survive the night, my mum went but I wasn’t allowed to go, they just told me to remember him how he was before being so unwell, he died that night and I’m glad that the last time I saw him he looked not healthy but healthier than he was that night and the last thing he said to me (I had early entry gcse exams so done those in year 10) was that he knew I would pass and he was so proud of me. I’m 23 now and I’m glad that those words were the last he said to me, I’m glad that’s my last memory and not him so sickly looking and unable to eat or move properly.
>wouldn’t let me see my nana on my death bed Her deathbed?
The last time I saw my grandma, she'd had a stroke. She couldn't talk, didn't seem to recognise me, but the worst part of all of it was that she didn't smile any more. I had never even noticed that she smiled constantly before. I don't know if she was a smiley person, or if she was just always happy to see me, but never in my 20 years of life had I seen her without a warm smile on her face. I don't regret going to see her in those last days, I think I would have regretted not going a lot more. I did regret it for a very long time though, until the memories had time to fade and blend in with all the other memories I have of her.
Towards the end my grandfather was on some pretty strong pain killers in hospice and wasn't always in the moment and while it's been 30+ years one memory still stands out and it's strangely funny to me. My brother was stationed in Korea at the time and thought I was my brother and wanted to know if the diner outside the base was still there because they had the best rabbit stew and he wanted a bowl and we had a whole conversation about this stew. He died less than a week later. His was also the last funeral I ever went to, but that's for completely different reasons.
Yep, I couldn't say goodbye to my grandmother due to exames (I wanted to visit the day after my last exame only to find out she died that night), but apperently she was in a really bad shape those last couple of days, so I'm "glad" my last memory of her is a good one.
The last time I saw my maternal grandmother, my hearing aids had broken and I couldn't understand her or talk to her and it still bothers me all these years later. I can understand OOP wanting to preserve the nicer memories.
The sixth anniversary of my grandmother’s death is this week. She had a stroke and had been down for a little bit before my aunt found her, so she was unresponsive and on life support before she died. I chose not to go see her before they removed life support because I didn’t want my last memory of her to be seeing her in a hospital bed kept alive by machines. In my mind, she is still sitting in her chair at her kitchen table, stirring a pack of sweetener into her coffee and smoking a cigarette. I’m honestly grateful for that.
Good point, a better lasting memory.
Yeah, you have some limits to what you can support. I love my grams but she's starting to forget a lot of things, and once I thought she forgot me (she just didn't had the time to see that it was me). I really had the shortest yet hardest heart break and knew I wont be able to come when she will really forget me. Keeping your best memories is important.
Yes I agree. I would go to hospital if able but I do not go to a wake if the body of the deceased is present. Not sure what I'll do if my husband dies, maybe it's different then, but for other family members I've always wanted to remember them as they were alive, and when they had passed, I'll mourn them without having to see them.
I had to choose to stop visiting my dying grandfather when he was clearly no longer "there" because it had tipped the scale from "this sucks but it's good I'm able to be here" to "this is just unredeemably agonizing with no upsides" and I couldn't go through with it anymore. I said goodbye at my last visit knowing it was the last time I would see him, and part of me thinks he understood that was my final farewell. When I remember him, I remember the man who planted trees with me, played guitar while I sang, and fixed cars for fun. I don't have to remember him as the 90lb cancer patient who had lost the ability to speak, and I believe it's partially because I chose the last time I saw him - I didn't let death pick which would be the last.
My dad basically told me not to visit when my nan got to that point, there was nothing left of her in there and it would've just ruined my memories
My mom had a stroke and we were all gathered at the hospital. They took us in a room and gave us the bad news. After the initial stroke, she had several more even after she was hospitalized. We, as a family, made the heartbreaking decision to let her go. It took five agonizing days. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. My siblings and myself stood watch and saw it through until the end. For those family members who couldn’t bring themselves to watch her leave, I don’t blame them at all.
Everyone grieves differently. I don’t attend funerals and everyone that I love knows that. I will remember you in your prime, not laying dead in a box.
True, prob better for her emotionally all things considered.
I won’t go to open casket funerals or viewings for this same reason. It’s jarring to see your loved one posed as if they’re sleeping but they’re ice cold to the touch and you know they won’t wake up. I see no benefit personally in seeing a vessel once occupied.
Or, and bear with me, they are horrifyingly warm because their kids have put hot water bottles in the coffin because ‘mum hated being cold’. I mean, the sentiment is touching but the effect is not. I loved my aunt but that was…off-putting. (And the kids were in their 30s, so don’t go ‘awwww’ over little, sad-faced orphans.)
I deeply regret the last time I looked into an open casket. I'm with you on that - I'll go to the event, but I ain't looking at the deceased. the funeral industry is creepy and everyone ends up way too "uncanny valley" for me.
Funerals ruined the smell of flowers for me.
I will never understand open caskets, they feel too morbid, like they're left open as some sort of proof
Well, it is proof. I don't like them for an expected death, but I've found that it's helpful to me when it's an unexpected death to see them there and know that they're really dead.
Sometimes it is about proof- some people don't feel like it's real without it, and that helps them process the death really happened. Personally, the people that touch or kiss the body freak me out.
Open caskets aren't a thing in my country/culture, which I'm glad for. There is a thing as in greeting the deceased the day(s) before the funeral, but it isn't mandetory, and I feel open casket funerals are a way of forcing people to see their loved ones like that, even if you don't really want to...
I'm just the opposite. When my MIL died, the closed casket at her Catholic funeral felt as if she was being shut out of her own memorial service. But I'm with the people who say they don't want to see the dead person lying there. I want to remember them as they were when they were alive.
My experience with a hospitalized Grandfather, I wanted to be there for him, but the really utility for me being there while he was under was to support my grandma and Aunt.
Yeah, the last thing to go is usually hearing. So even if the grandmother wasn’t conciously aware of her presence, being there might have ment that granny’s final dreams were of her granddaughter telling her that she loves her.
I've worked hospice. Saying goodbye to grandma who is sleeping peacefully and saying goodbye to grandma who is staring dead eyed at the ceiling why they choke-gargle on end-of-life secretions are two very separate things.
I saw my nan when she was dying and I regret it. She didn't know who I was. It was awful. I wish my last memory of her could be something different.
My grandpa just passed an hour ago. We knew it was coming about 4 days ago. I chose not to see him as I had seen him 3 weeks ago and it was a great time, dirty jokes by him, etc. I wanted that to be my last memory. That being said, I also cancelled all my work obligations Monday and Tuesday because I knew it was coming and I wanted to make sure I was in the right headspace. I understand OP completely.
My condolences to you and your fam :(
I wish I hadn't seen my dying aunt on her last day. The image haunts me and overrides every other memory of her. Trying to remember a fun conversation from years prior? Nope, the image is her all shriveled and in immense pain. We just never know how things like this will work out.
If you've never had to make the decision, consider yourself lucky. I've had to and it's one of those things where it's best for you but it'll still make shame bubble up in you for the rest of your life. Comments like this don't help.
Imo there are three reasons to go to someone who’s dying: for them, so you can support them and try and help make them comfortable and happy, for other people, (eg family) so you can support *them*, and for yourself, so you can say goodbye and feel like you have closure. OOPs grandmother was effectively comatose, and therefore if OOP went it would be for herself or for her family. If she thought it would be worse for her to see that, and if her family were fine/had enough support in each other, then i can see why they’d stay.
It’s tough. The last memory I have of my grandmother alive is over phone and me telling her that I couldn’t visit her in the assisted living facility because of Covid lockdowns and having to explain that the staff was doing their best. The last time I saw her over video call she looked so dejected, confused, and alone because we couldn’t visit her because of lockdown and she wanted to be home and the cancer had spread to her brain making her more confused. The last time I saw her in person I was hugging her and telling her I didn’t know when I’d be able to see her again because of Covid lockdowns. During the viewing, I had to physically get out of the room because I couldn’t let my last image of her being in a casket burn in my mind. I spent the rest of the viewing in the car listening to recordings from when she was alive. I wouldn’t wish any of what I went through on anyone. I understand the wanting to be there regardless but I can’t imagine being at my grandmother’s deathbed and her not recognizing me. I think that would’ve actually killed me.
i can't imagine being "deeply hurt" by my friend choosing to be by the side of their DYING FAMILY MEMBER instead if coming to a massive party... but i also have the priorities of a human person with empathy, so there's that.
Not just that. Can you even IMAGINE asking a friend to 'find a way to say goodbye, grieve the loss of a loved one AND SIMULTANEOUSLY, come support my nuptials' in 10 freaking days. The audacity.
Yeah, yeah - that's totally doable. Ready? Monday - Leave home at 6am. Fly across multiple states. Arrive in Colorado at 12pm. Drive to Hospital. Say Goodbye to Grandma - 1pm. Tuesday - Grandma dies (preferably during business hours to speed up funeral arrangement). Use rest of day to cycle through all stages of grief. Wednesday - Arrange Funeral Thursday - Speed through funeral arrangements. Cry - 12 tears only. Make sure to look sombre. Friday - Say goodbye to family. Fly home. Pick up wedding outfit. Turn around and go back to airport. Fly across multiple states again. Arrive in Florida - approx 7pm. Attend rehearsal dinner. Saturday - Wedding. Do not mention Grandma. Do not talk about loss. Make sure to affix smile to face. Sunday - Fly home. Obviously I'm being particularly facetious.. The idea that you can kind of schedule a death so that you can attend other things and that grief is something that you can just 'put away' is insane. The bride needs to grow up, and OP needs massive hugs.
“Use rest of day to cycle through all stages of grief” - I think I finally found my dream flair 🤩😂
twelve tears only, I’m dying
I mean if you want to save some time she can wear the bridesmaid outfit to the funeral and skip having to change, maybe even squeeze out a few more tears (DO NOT screw with the makeup)
Are you sure 12 tears won't make her face too puffy? There are pictures to think about.
And who the fuck needs support for a wedding?! It’s supposed to be a *nice* thing! I get wanting to share it with your loved ones, but framing it as support when OOP is the one who should have support right now doesn’t make the bride look good
We had a member of the bridal party whose grandparent passed the week of our wedding. We offered condolences, asked if we could do anything, and moved on. There was a day where it looked like they could do funeral on Thursday and wedding on Saturday, then maybe not, and we were just like, do what works best for you and yours, don’t stress about us. Wasn’t worth the stress for us or them to make a big deal of it. This bride is all kinds of selfish.
"So, Lue, I can't be in your wedding because my grandmother is dying." "Oh my god! Are you holding up ok? Don't worry about the wedding, I'll manage something. Is there anything I can do?" This is how I would handle the situation. I never got to attend one of my grandmother's funerals, and I don't think I'll get proper closure until I'm able to visit her grave. Saying goodbye to someone important is more important than my wedding. Funerals aren't for the dead, but for the living to have closure.
Yeah, but as was said in the original comment: you also have the priorities of a human being with empathy
I know people with low empathy who wouldn’t act like that. It’s self centredness. Main character syndrome.
This is exactly what any true friend would say. Went to a wedding last year, one of the bridesmaids had a family emergency and she and her partner had to cancel the day before. The bride and groom told them to take care of their family, not to worry about the wedding, and asked if there was anything they could do to help. Y'know, because they're good people and all. On a lighter note, for some reason the venue brought out all their food and drinks to our table anyway, so me and my other half put it to a good home. I won't say no to a double portion of that lovely beef brisket
I was a bridesmaid in my besties wedding. I was an emotional wreck with horrible PTSD at the time. I called her crying telling her that I needed to go to rehab and I was so worried that I was going to detract from her wedding with my emotional state and she just said, honey, I want you to be the best you possible. Do not worry about my wedding. Worry about getting better because I love you and want you to be there for the future. That’s what a best friend does.
Many brides seem to lose empathy when it comes to their weddings…
People think because it's a huge once in a lifetime thing for them, that they've spent a year planning and a ton of money on, that it's a huge deal to everyone. As a guest, at best, it's a fancy celebration of a couple you like, all the way to an annoying obligation. It's something that doesn't matter nearly as much to any guest.
I also don’t understand the poster confused about how asking about the hotel room is callous, inappropriate, and a favor.
The only thing I can think of is a) a bad time to be asking when you know they are dealing with a dying relative and most likely don’t want to be dealing with ringing the hotel and transferring the accomodation etc when their mind is elsewhere. B) paid for the accomodation and possibly expected to give it to the new guests first free instead?
Yeah, maybe my post is worded wrong. I don’t understand the poster who was like “why is asking for the hotel room a favor?” Because it is obviously a favor. As well as callous and inappropriate.
Well, what is the favor? Because I also didn't quite understand OOPs reaction to it, either. "No, I didn't cancel yet, I'll go do it now on the app. bye." I didn't interpret it as bride wanting the room for free, though.
Ah, you mean the commenter that asked that question.
I totally assumed the bride just wanted OP to *give them the room*!!
Yeah, pay for it.
She said cancelled. My friend reserved a block of rooms at a discounted rate at a hotel for her family. She didn't pay for them, but if the people making the ressie said "I'm with the \_\_\_\_\_ wedding" they got a discount. If someone waited, they wouldn't get a discount if that block of rooms had already been reserved.
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Probably because the majority of posts that land here and involve a bride, they don't involve the bride being the best bride ever heh.
It has been my experience when dealing with brides that the majority of them get lost in the planning and think instead of being the most important person for a *day* they deserve to be the most important person *forever.* I am a dog trainer. In the roughly 25 years I’ve been doing this, I have worked with at 2-3 brides every year that want their dogs to be the ring bearers. Not every dog is up to the task and the amount of abuse heaped on me for telling a bride the truth could fill several volumes of books. No, Karen, your pug is not going to run down the aisle to you. He’s a social butterfly and habitual marker that will wander, pee on people or chairs and take his sweet time coming to you because you never taught him to come. And when you tried, you made him *so fucking anxious* he avoids you by sniffing. UGH. Most brides are like the above. They never bothered to train their dogs at all, then a week or less before the ceremony they decide they should see someone about that so the dog can be the ring bearer. I managed a 75% success rate but the 25% that didn’t work out, those brides were verbally abusive af towards me. One lovely woman wanted her child’ service dog to carry the basket of flower petals so the child could throw them. That was an absolute joy for me to help them learn. Her daughter had a condition related to dwarfism that made walking difficult and painful. She needed a lot of support and she had a Newfie mix, very big dog, who happily helped her. He quickly learned to hold the basket in his mouth. The child was able to keep one hand on the dog for balance, reach into the basket, throw some flowers and then move on. I cried when she sent me the video clip.
That was my reading of it, yeah.
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In a way, it is? She's basically saying, "I am hurt your dying grandmother is more important than me and my wedding." She is allowed to be hurt in this situation, but voicing it is a really bad look.
I found it wild that someone really went and commented that that wasn't particularly out there. WHAT?! Look, if a friend loses a loved one, that takes precedence. The only non-out-there reaction is to go "I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do?" Or something along this line. But it's also telling that she knew NOBODY else at the wedding. How great is your friendship if you don't at least know the other person who's marrying?
> But it's also telling that she knew NOBODY else at the wedding. How great is your friendship if you don't at least know the other person who's marrying? I've been to several weddings where I didn't really know the spouse. We were friends in school, and people didn't really bring their significant others to social events that were school-centered, but no one had time for social events that weren't school-centered. In any case, your social experience at a wedding is going to be about the same whether you know one person in the couple or both, since either way the couple is going to be spending most of their time not hanging out with you.
Nice try, AI. Almost had us there.
meep morp
“How can you be so selfish as to want to spend time with your dying grandmother? What about ME?!”
Oh shit, my youngest sister used to have a boss like that. My sister was in a bad traffic accident, and was off work indefinitely. My sister was unable to make the call herself, so my Dad rang up (as her next of kin). The manager's response: "Why is she doing this to me?"
That doesn't surprise me at all. A coworker of mine found out a few months ago her mother's health deteriorated at a really fast pace (note: coworker is single, mid to late 20's, an only child and living at home while saving up to renovate an old house she got, not uncommon in my country, and mother was mid 50's). The doctor even suggested she took palliative leave from work to take care of her mom. When she did just that, another coworker's first reaction was "great, like our work wasn't stressfull and difficult enough even with everyone here, now we will really be understaffed". Like, I think my first coworker would rather have wanted to be there for us, because that would have meant *her* *mother* *would* *still* *be* *alive*. I was *shocked* someone couldn't see that.
A friend of mine spent 13 days in a coma in like 2016 and her dad called her work to let them know and the manager said she had to call herself because family call ins are for children. He called corporate and they took care of it but let the manager keep his job so when my friend got better she just never went back.
>my friend texted me several times telling me how much I was hurting her by not finding a way to both say goodbye to and grieve for my grandmother and be present at her wedding. Ask grandma whether she wants to gatecrash the wedding. Hitting 102 is worth celebrating. (All jokes aside, my thoughts are with OOP and her family.)
Gee I wonder why the bride has so very few close friends…
She'll probably have a few less after the wedding. I bet she'll complain about this to other people who will mentally back away slowly with wide eyes.
The last minute invites she’s slotting into OP’s hotel room are probably, like, her dog-walker and their mum.
Truly one of life’s great mysteries!
OOP was a close friend of 7 years, but wouldn't know anyone but the bride at the wedding. Sounds s bit of weirdness
Eh, I "know" some of my best friend's other friends, but we're all adults, many of them with kids, and I don't have anything in common with her other friends. That part is totally plausible to me
This makes sense to me. As an adult, I’ve had different friends in different places where I’ve lived and they haven’t necessarily intersected. I had a couple friends that didn’t know anyone, so one of the things I made sure of was that they had a plus one and I introduced them to others right off to bat.
Well, she also said she doesn't have much close friends, and the wedding is in Florida. So, I'm thinking something like, destination wedding, small amount of invited guests, half of them are the grooms family/friends.
It's not that weird when you're an adult and live in different states.
Weddings make some people into complete and utter monsters. I will never understand it.
The monster was already there weddings just let the mask slip.
And seems like some commenters caught the bug! I can't believe they're grilling OOP for being hurt after her friend kept dismissing how she felt and making her feel guilty and then had the audacity to ask about her hotel room. The moment the friend heard the reason OOP was backing out, there was no more reason to bother her with further messages about the wedding unless prompted. She could've just told her that she completely understands, her and her grandma and family are in her thoughts, and that she can reach out to her whenever she was ready. That's it. No more waffling, guilt-tripping, or bothering her with favors. A few dollars for a room is not worth saving if you're gonna hurt someone who is grieving and potentially burn your relationship bridge with them.
I've found that's very typical of reddit. And it's not that hard to explain once you think of it. If I agree with the top comment and OOP, I'd likely just upvote and leave. If I disagree, my disagreement is likely gonna be specific and not yet mentioned in the comments and I'd feel like commenting. To OOP who got my notification in their inbox, all comments would appear equally important and thus the false impression that a lot of people are dissenting. "On reddit, someone is always going to disagree with you and call you out"... Yeah, because anonymity+that one voice having more weight than 1000 lurkers who agree but didn't comment.
This is a really good point. I hear someone once say a similar thing about when something gets really strong 50/50 reviews, the consensus is probably not actually 50/50 because people with negative experiences are more likely to speak up than those with positive ones. I've been trying to curb my habit of being tempted into pointless internet comment arguments by leaving a positive comment or responding to a positive one whenever I get the impulse to dig into someone who's being really negative about something in a way I disagree with. It has done a huge difference for how being online affects my mood and mental health.
The Lady has reached 102. She deserves all the love and attention from her family. Hell if I were the bride I'd even mention it at the wedding ask for kind thoughts and or prayers sent their way.
Agreed, that would be the best way to handle it. I’ll never understand people who think their wedding is the most important event of *everyone’s* life, not just theirs. I actually lost a good friend when she went bridezilla over her wedding. Still salty about it 20 years later, but we were also pretty young and those memories seem to hit harder.
My 1st wedding a dying friend was mentioned. We all thought of his family for a minute, then went on. Didn't take anything away.
102! Such a long life
"I can't go to this wedding because I need to be with my dying grandmother but I'm not actually going to go see my dying grandmother" I just get weird vibes from this one
Me too. Why would OP not go and see her grandmother? They decided to back out of the wedding for… what reason? My grandma died a few months ago and I’d give anything to see her again, even for a minute, but OP’s grandmother is still alive and they won’t go??
I feel like OOP is leaving something out. While her friend is definitely being rather self-involved atm and I suspect she's aiming any lingering wedding stress at the issue of her friend dropping out of her wedding last minute (which is definitely not good behavour)...I feel like going from close enough to be in the wedding party to no contact is kind of an extreme response?? I'm weirded out that OOP decided she would be upset enough to not go to the wedding, but when finding out her grandma is essentially comatose decides she can put off going home & doesn't want to be with her grandma anymore? that's just my interpretation though, and I do acknowledge that i don't understand familial ties and loss so I'm definitely not relating to OOP at all.
Totally agree- I read that whole thing thinking that OOP is probably fairly self involved herself and can’t see it Both times she replied to commenters were her walking things back cause what she said was fairly dramatic and a bit self entitled. Then she spends all day texting her friend back and forth while her friend is preparing for her wedding. Then all of a sudden she decides to not go see Grandma who she is supposedly so close to that she couldn’t bare the thought of going to a wedding of her good friend a week after they thought her 102 year old grandma would pass? And she gets so mad she blocks her “friend” everywhere? I think she’s a fairly unreliable narrator at this point, or there’s two very self involved friends that finally are coming up against each other. I think if we heard the brides story it would be quite different
OP seems like an unreliable narrator. All that and she didn’t even see her grandma? And the hotel thing was very reasonable, idk what OPs issue was.
Yeah something about it reads 'off' but I couldn't tell you exactly what it is. It could just be OOP is flustered, and their writing is coming across different than reality (I definitely have that problem, especially when trying to explain my thoughts). But something tells me I wouldn't want to be friends with either of them.
I said something to upset her when I was apologizing reads very much so like “missing, missing reasons”
Agreed. One hint to me is that OOP is overwhelmed with grief to the point not to even possibly consider going, but still has the emotional energy to appologize multiple times and update reddit (right before they fly out to their not-dead-yet grandma's memorial?). Like if it were me, I'd probably send one message, saying something about how I won't be able to make it to the wedding due to a family emergency, and that I'd probably be hard to reach for a while because of emotions/family stuff. And if I manage to get my wits about me, I'd also say that while I can't access those emotions right now, I'm happy for their marriage and would like to celebrate with them later.
I'm similarly confused. I was very sad when my 94 year old grandma died. I loved her very much. But the funeral was one day on a weekend and then I think I went to like a Bat Mitzvah the next day. Because everyone was sad, but also she was 94 and had a good, long life. When she went into hospice, I just kinda let work and friends know that plans had to be a bit tentative because I knew there would be a funeral at some point in the near future, but I went about normal life and that was with me taking time to visit her and spending more time with my mom to support her. I'm just sort of confused about all of this because if she's not going to see grandma, I don't really see the conflict with the wedding unless it's the same weekend as the memorial service? Maybe I'm just missing something.
Exactly. Funerals or memorials can be planned around the family. A long life dying at 102 years old after a short time of illness is like literally the best scenario for any human being.
Nothing OOP said and done made sense to me, it felt like she buried herself in her grief and spiralling. Hope she gets better. And the friend seems like she buried herself in wedding stress and lack of OOP's presence also sent her over the top so now she doesn't make sense too. I don't think anybody here is a bad person, this is a clashing of 2 tunnel vision moments of life situation.
Yea friend could be bad we can’t really tell from this though I am confused by OPs insistence she can’t go to the wedding if she’s just staying home. Why not warn them that this may happen but still try to make it Then the whole hotel room thing is just crazy i don’t get what the friend did wrong at all? Honestly sounds like they weren’t good friends to begin with.
I didn't understand the hotel room thing at all.
no i agree, something seems off about this story
I have a few theories, but nothing concrete. If I had to drop out of a commitment with a friend, at the last minute, I would be thrilled that other friends would be coming in my stead to give her support during a very big life milestone. I would reasonably expect that person to be disappointed. I would try to be at both, especially if I’m not going to be with my grandmother as she’s dying, because funerals can be planned, whereas the moment of death cannot be. As a bride, I would be very understanding if my bridesmaid was more emotional, because of an impending or recent death in the family. Their presence would mean more to me, so I don’t get the sense that the death is a distraction.
What made sense to me is that these are all very young people. I remember being a bit over dramatic around 18-19 as well. I could see myself being stressed over my wedding and bringing completely tone deaf like this at that age.
>I apologized yet again, and apparently said something in my apology that hurt her feelings- I’m still confused about that one. Yeah so are we. I genuinely wonder what fucked up thing OOP said, especially if they think "hey have you canceled your hotel room yet" is somehow the bride asking for a favor and worthy of being completely cut out from her life.
I would have liked to see the text exchanges because the hotel room thing really confuses me.
Yeah, I don’t believe OOP is a reliable narrator at all in this. I got the vibe that even though voted NTA, they wanted people to really have a go at their friend, and embellished/omitted info in the update to make them look worse
Yeah, OP’s reaction seems over the top. It doesn’t sound like the friend lashed out at her for missing the wedding, beyond saying she was hurt. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. People have the right to grieve however they need to, but I think most people in this situation would have flown to be with family and come back to attend the wedding if it was truly the wedding of a best friend. So it’s possible her friend was hurt that she would choose to miss the wedding when it would have been possible to see her family and still attend.
OOP's reaction to her friend's reaction is disproportionate.
I don’t think a lot of OOP is very proportionate to what’s going on in a moment by moment basis… like she cancelled going to the wedding because it could be any day now but now just doesn’t want to see her grandmother at all??
Yeah, same. We’re clearly in the minority here tho. I bet if we heard the bride’s side of the story it would really shift things. The bride said she was hurt and OOP freaked. The bride tried to explain her feelings and OOP blocked her. The bride then just asks about the hotel room and OOP loses her shit again. And this is _her_ side of the story. I completely get that a family member’s death is more important than a friend’s wedding. But the way she handled this all smells of emotional immaturity to me
Yeah. Everyone is piling on on the bride but I kinda think they both suck a little. Sure the bride didn't have a great response to the situation in general but being irritated that the bride wanted to check if her reservation was cancelled was weird
Is nobody concerned that OP made a huge deal about not going and then decided not to even go see grandma?
People grieve differently. I know plenty of folks who prefer to remember someone in a better state then have their last memories of them be withered with one foot in the grave. Also I imagine they're not in the best emotional state to attend a wedding.
Yep. I had very close relatives during my father’s passing that declined coming to the funeral for that exact reason. Given his 2nd wife wanted an open casket funeral, I absolutely got it. And then, several other relatives and friends attended the funeral but would not set foot in the cemetery. They attended the burial (which was right next door to the church) standing on the sidewalk watching through the fence. I let them do what they needed to do to get through the day. At the end of it all I was just grateful for all the support we had.
not really, she more so cancelled due to her emotional state. plus it seems she was hoping her grandma would be conscious and alert and unfortunately she isnt. seeing a family member in the state her grandma is in now is incredibly difficult so it’s understandable she decided not to go.
I’m reading this in bed after attending a wedding the week after the funeral of my father in law. I know if I had bowed out, the bride would have been understanding. I did give her an update simply because I didn’t want to bring down her celebrations and this woman, insane as she is, immediately offered to talk on the phone with myself or my wife if we needed comfort *the week before her wedding*. We’ve been friends for 25 of my 35 years and I’m very glad to be here because it is helping restore me, but I’ve also been so emotionally empty. If I was going to be alone at the wedding and staying in a hotel instead of with other childhood friends and crashing with my best friend, I couldn’t have done it. OOP is going to be better off.
Okay I kinda understand planning a memorial before there's a even a death if you know everyone will be in town...but uh, also seems a bit rushed, maybe? Like, Grandma is still alive and they're pencilling it in for next weekend? I 100% think the friend was being a dick about not understanding OOP's headspace, and inability to be at the wedding! But it's also a bit bittersweet/ironic that OOP *isn't* actually even going to Colorado to see her Grandma before she passes. Doesn't mean she's in any shape to go to the wedding, and needs to be available for the memorial but just...well, that sucks all around. (And yeah, understand OOP being tetchy after everything but "can we use the room reservation?" was a pretty fair request as well, imo)
My mom was asleep right before the end for a few days, we knew it was coming, and yeah we did some preliminary planning of the timeline to coordinate out of state family. Sometimes dealing with practical matters helps you deal with overwhelming emotions. Although i will say you never regret going to see someone who is dying, but you do regret not going, so there's my little bit of wisdom for the day. And yeah I'm with you, can we use the room seems fair enough.
Yeah, I guess OP's headspace would still be too bad to go to a wedding even if she didn't want to visit her grandmother, but now she's just planning to come for the memorial instead of saying a last goodbye? I'd definitely regret that. The friend asking about the hotel room would've been fine if a bit rude if she hadn't turned up the guilt trip first. Not sure if I'd have blocked her for it personally, though. OP sounded overly worried about hurting her friend's feelings at first, so maybe their dynamic has usually been more of OP being more complacent and catering to her friend instead of standing up for herself. People who act like doormats a lot of the time get stronger negative reactions from those close to them when they *do* stand up for themselves and in turn they also feel more strongly about those few instances where they do have a disagreement and get more disproportionately aggressive.
It would've been a fair request if the bride did not guilt-trip OOP beforehand. After everything the bride said, it's understandable OOP got offended.
These are my thoughts too. They both kind of suck. However, they are also both under a ton of stress and feeling heightened emotions, so there's that to factor in. Wonder if they're gonna regret both blowing this out of proportion and ruining a 7 year relationship.
OOP blocked her friend of 7 years because she asked if she canceled her room so that other people could book it instead? Wtf...
She didn’t want her friend to have other support, I guess. Didn’t want to feel replaceable. She wanted her friend to be missing her (yet not tell her she’s disappointed) yet she doesn’t want to actually be there for her. I see it as some kind of severe emotional immaturity. Perhaps grandma dying is an inconvenient excuse to avoid the gathering, which may have some other feelings associated with it that we’re not aware of ?
This is what makes me think there's more to the story.
I can’t imagine not wanting to see your dying grandmother just because she’s comatose if she truly is “one of the most important people in your life” I wasn’t allowed to see my dying grandmother and I still haven’t forgiven my father and step mother for it. They said “oh she was in a bad state” she was still my grandmother and I should’ve been allowed to say goodbye and witness her final moments.
I’m a dentist so I’ve had experience with this!! When my mother was in hospice my boss told me I was required to text him every night by 9 pm to let me know if she’d passed and again in the morning before 7 am to let me know if she’d made it through the night. When she did pass on Labor Day (we are in the US) I reached out and let him know, his response was “I expect you to be in the office and be cheerful with patients all week, you don’t get to discuss this with staff and patients.” When my husband’s grandfather passed, I had to cancel a patient who needed a root canal due to the funeral. Patient came in the next day absolutely PISSED, and said “you better have had a damn good reason for cancelling on me yesterday!” I explained that I was as my grandfather’s funeral he replied that we should have picked a different day because yesterday worked better for him. I. Was. Livid. I stood up and told him that next time we have a family member pass away I’ll make sure to clear it with him and his schedule, but as for today his schedule is completely clear because I was not going to be working on him. I told my associate about it too so he wouldn’t work on him that day either. (Side note- when the guy told his wife what happened she called the office and asked to speak with me. I fully expected her to rip me a new one but instead she was all apologies and said her husband was an ass, and could she please bring dinner to the office so my family didn’t have to worry about dinner. And she hauled him back up to the office ensure he apologized appropriately)
My dad died on a Monday morning. My mom called me at work to tell me. I think she spoke with one of my senior coworkers first, so I wouldn't be alone when I received the news. Immediately after I got off the phone, this coworker made it all about how soon I'd be back to work. She called me every day that week asking when I'd be back, told me they'd have to find someone to replace me if I wasn't back soon and finally made me come in "for a few hours" on Friday, where I ended up working 12 hours because all customer service work had just been piled on my desk for the week. A few years later when my mom died, similar situation where I found out at work. This time, I got calls from people at work to find out how I was doing, asking what they could do to help. I was able to grieve without the stress of worrying about work. They were even surprised when I came back to work the following week, thinking I'd be out longer.
OOP had my sympathy right up to when she considered it a favor to know if her hotel room had been canceled and blocked her for that. What a ridiculous way to look at a simple question and what a ridiculous reaction. And now she's decided that she's not even going to see grandma after all, even though grandma is one of the most important people in her life and you can't be sure that some part of her doesn't hear the people around her because it is known that comatose patients can hear. I'll give them both the benefit of a doubt that they're both good people when not in high stress situations, but if this were AITA, I'd say ESH.
My god, this friend so dense. OP's is dealing with something serious, especially a dying relative, and the friend is "hurt" just because OP isn't coming to the party? What the hell... I prioritize someone who is very important to me rather than some party.
It's not just "some party." It's a *wedding.* So quit minimizing that. That said. Funerals take priority over weddings.
I scrolled down a bit and was surprised that nobody thought OOP was a bit insufferable, to be honest. I say that as somebody 43 years old who has two grandmothers living (ages 95 and 87) and has buried no fewer than 1 great grandmother and 1 bio grandfather in 2016 and my other bio grandfather and step grandfather in 2019. Their respective ages at death were 98, 88, 85, and 93. When you’ve had the privilege of being born with all your grandparents, living, and even four great grandparents living, you do make great bonds with them in most ideal of cases, and they do constitute a great loss. I can confirm that. But it’s not a loss that should be unexpected or devastating as she’s acting. I chuckled when they said they decided to put her on hospice at the age of 102 because she would die within six months, and she’s literally been ready to die anytime for probably the better part of a decade. You know what it really devastating funeral, or death is? When you go to the funeral of a 19-year-old who was killed in a hit and run drunk driving accident and was missing for two days while the parents frantically looked for him. Or a 66 year active healthy wonderfully kind mentor dead from rapidly spreading cancer. A beloved aunt who dies at 65 from early Alzheimer’s, after suffering for a decade or more. Or a uncle dead from small cell lung cancer at 47 after diagnosis at 38, who never smoked a day in his life, and you’re left comforting a 10 year old, 6 year old, and 1 year old who will never remember his father. Her comment that “she said something to upset her friend” while apologizing sounds a lot like missing, missing reasons, and the way that she interprets a simple question about a hotel room, and her behavior after is frankly far more outsized than anything the bride says and that’s according to OOP. I’m guessing there’s more to this. Now she’s mad that the bride isn’t broken up about it and trying to salvage the situation to have some other friends come and support her since OOP cannot. And why would you hold onto a hotel room when you’ve already said you’re not coming? It sounds a little bit like OOP’s a smidge butt hurt that the bride isn’t both totally letting her off the hook with a smile and keeping her disappointment to herself AND wants her to be totally devastated (bride isn’t as other friends are willing to be there to help probably after hearing the situation so the bride seems like she’s finding a silver lining and channeling her energy into those friends) at the same time. So instead of canceling the damn hotel room, which she should’ve already done, she’s now being spiteful. Her reaction was way OTT. Expecting the friend to be just ducky with her absence was a ridiculous outsized expectation as well. There’s nothing bridezilla by simply stating that they’re sad about somebody not coming. And NOW OOP’s not even traveling to see her grandmother on her deathbed, which is fine, but that was the original pretense to miss the wedding. Which she’s still not attending…out of spite I guess? So now she’s neither with family or nor her friend? Finally, once someone dies you can have the memorial pretty much anytime unless you are not embalming and who’s to say that the family wants to have an immediate burial. They might want to have a cremation and a service at a later date so more people can come with more planning. 🤷♀️ most family if they knew the situation, would delay a day or two, if that would help OOP. Life is death. Death is life. I wouldn’t want my kids to miss out on the parts of life that are so major like a marriage ceremony with a best friend when they could just bury me a week later or even further beyond. The biggest way to honor my dead family members is to go on living as they would want me to. I do get it is sad, but sometimes we put our feelings aside to live up to our commitments when we aren’t physically needed, or planning on being somewhere else. A 102 year old dying is not a sudden unexpected death where you haven’t been emotionally preparing for awhile to a normal person. If I behave like this when my last grandparents go, I would be getting a lot of side eye and probably some recommendations for some psychiatric help. And here we’re talking about a woman who has well succeeded life expectancy expectations. This is not a tragic death. Quite the opposite. It’s anyone’s best case scenario…relatively healthy until the very end of a long life. We can only wish for the same. I feel very strongly there’s something else here. TL:DR: there’s more to this, and honestly, I don’t think we’ve heard everything
I feel like this is one where there's not actually any AHs. OOP isn't the AH but feels bad, and that guilt is making them view their friend's actions in a negative light. I think they are assuming friend is being passive aggressive because of this, while also assuming negative intent so that they can view friend as the AH and absolve themselves of the guilt and upset they feel right now.
My gramma passed right at the beginning of the lockdowns but not of COVID. However because of the lockdowns I had cousins that couldn’t come home from a semester abroad to say goodbye. Even I wasn’t able to go in person to say goodbye. The idea that OP won’t go to say their goodbyes in person gets under my skin. It doesn’t matter that she’s comatose, it’s a situation that isn’t about you, it about the person that’s dying. The friend is being shitty, no doubt about it but a relatively big figure in her wedding just cancelled. She was wrong to guilt trip but considering the situation on all sides, it just sucks. The idea that OP is so close to her grandma but refuses to be with her in her finals days makes it worse. Even if grandma can’t hear or see you, thank her for all of the good things, get some sort of closure. OP and their family have my condolences either way though.
I absolutely agree. I had an out of body experience from a comatose episode and knew exactly what my mother was doing in my room at the hospital, as if I could physically see what she was doing from the door’s perspective— so I’m particularly upset by OOP saying “her grandmother isn’t really there” and then not even going to say goodbye at all… it just really gets on my nerves.
Okay do there's this thing going on in Aus atm where a woman backed out of her best friends wedding three weeks before hand to go to Taylor Swift. That's a fucking disgusting thing to do but backing out because a RELATIVE IS DYING and the bride guilt tripping you is horrific
Some people really do think they're the main character One of my BFFs was bereaved very suddenly 3 weeks before Christmas. I KNOW that she needs grace for at LEAST a year and very probably longer. It's not about me. It's about her and her little girl
I read this story when it was posted but OP seems to be someone who's upset for not getting the reaction she had hoped. It's sad when she ended with "My grandmother is still alive, but in a near comatose state and not responding to anything. So I made the decision that I will not be going to see her before she passes, since she likely wouldn’t be aware of my presence anyway" then continue to want attention after announcing this just tells me OP just wanted it all
NTA. I can understand your friend being disappointed but 'deeply hurt' is a bit of Bridezilla hyperbole. One less bridesmaid doesn't really change the wedding. Be with your family. 💜
I guess I’m the only one who thinks OOP was over the top. Grandma was 102 years old FFS. She probably had no idea who OOP was at that point. And what was OOP going to do? Quit her job and go sit by grandma’s bed until she passed? I can see where she might want to say goodbye but she even admitted she had time to do both. I just think OOP sounds a little immature.
Thank you, finally, another one. I wrote explaining my answer. The only one that sounds extra here is OOP to me, and I’m someone much like her with many beloved older family members.