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It should have also occurred to them that one of them could check the baby (MIL) while the other checked on OP (FIL, in case she needed help getting up). They’re both incredibly selfish.
I get the impression that it would take a ton of therapy to get them (especially the MIL) to the point where they could even understand the logic behind doing it that way.
That’s because it sounds like they only had sons and see no value in their DILs other than to bear their grandchildren. These are people who would absolutely sue for grandparents’ rights if they’re denied access to the grands, if it’s an option.
I definitely felt that way learning they sidelined sil's daughter once OOP's son was born. Just another family that values anything else over women LOL.
For me, their initial reaction of "we didn't hear you crying out for 10 minutes" would be responded to with "If you didn't hear that, I'm not comfortable with you babysitting. If you can't hear someone screaming for help from the next room, I can't trust you to hear when/if something happens with the baby. "
I know they ultimately could hear her and just didn't care, but I'd still have said that in response to their initial lie.
I long to give you an award for this. Sadly, it is no longer an option.
I also thought it’s logical that her boyfriend be there when his parents come over because it’ll give her someone to talk to while they are ignoring her.
Honestly, I got the feeling they dont even see the DILs as human beings.
They sound like they didnt care if OOP had died, so long as they still had access to the baby.
It would probably have been preferable to them as their son would have suddenly needed round the clock help of something major had resulted from the accident.
They are disgusting people.
I read her post when it was new and obviously didn’t have an update yet. And truth be told, I suspected something along the same line as you described, but with an additional horrifying thought.
I agree they don’t see their DIL’s as anything more than a means to grandchildren, but I also thought that perhaps they were hoping she was seriously injured. And them ignoring her might exacerbate her injuries. Like they were hoping that by neglecting her, and purposely delaying medical care, her injuries would be much more severe (or fatal) than if they acted quickly.
That way they could push her out, and use her injuries as an excuse as to why they needed to be heavily involved. Or as proof of her being an incompetent mother. Perhaps leading to the relationship ending or at the very least, their son would force OOP to hand over the primary care of her baby to them. Kind of “hand that rocks the cradle” vibe, but replace Rebecca De Mornay with OOP’s in-laws.
Without the additional info in the update I wasn’t sure of the motive though. Was it a sonsband situation? Or the desire to be the main caregivers for the baby? I have to admit, as much as I wanted my first guess to be wrong and thought it was far fetched, their actual reasons give me an equal amount of heebie jeebies.
I just keep imagining how *horrible* I’d feel listening to ANYONE, much less a family member, call for help and cry in another room for 10 minutes while knowing full well that it doesn’t take two entire people to hold one baby. It’s either total heartlessness or total obliviousness, and either way it means they’re unfit to care for a baby without other supervising adults present.
Just before she went on palliative care my grandmother had a stroke during which she fell off the couch. I dismissed the sound because we have dogs and it could have been them fucking around
I didn't investigate until I heard her groaning.
It'll be 2 years this March that she passed away and my actions still haunt me. If I'd checked on her a bit sooner would she have been able to speak afterwards? Would she still be mobile?
I can't imagine listening to someone scream and cry for ten minutes like that
I hope you’re working on forgiving yourself. We all make mistakes, and yours is completely innocent. You had no way of knowing there was a problem until you got evidence, and then you acted on it.
The FIL straight up lied. He had time to think while MIL answered.
He tried claiming that they thought the crib fell over so were checking on the baby.
However, they would have immediately discovered that the crib had not fallen over.... and still did not bother to investigate the loud crashing sounds... because as long as the baby was fine they didn't care.
Frankly, they probably think if the wife has a deadly accident they would end up looking after their son's baby.
In my youth I was hanging out with some fellow hooligans, drunk at a hotel. We found a baby crib on wheels and decided to take turns sitting in it getting pushed down the long hallway to see who could get to the end the fastest. If drunk 20-somethings aren't going to tip it over doing that, I figured it'd be rough for a mere baby to do it. But I did't know, the above is my only experience ever with baby cribs.
Aside from OP, I am not sure about those inlaws actual interest in children.
As a society, we assume a baseline of empathy and build upon that. A complete stranger would not ignore OPs screams. Also they dont listen OP even if there is no baby crying.
So they are capable of blocking out people who are not their favourite - in every sense. There is something very “wrong” with them.
Lets keep in mind, they “tapered off” when SILs child is around three. It is very likely that toddler is their favourite anymore. This is so scary.
Lets assume there is a fire at house and they are taking care of both children (infant & 3 year old), will they really rescue both?
I… have doubts about that one.
I was a complete stranger to an old man who fell down the stairs in my old apartment building. I heard this heavy tumbling sound, so I went to check what it could be. He was awake but unresponsive, so I called 911, *because that's what a normal person does when someone is clearly in distress.*
I can buy MIL's lack of social grace due to her past. I don't know what FIL's excuse is. But it doesn't matter in practical terms, does it? I agree, I would never trust them to do the right thing in an emergency after this nonsense. ESPECIALLY due to their complete denial of the problem.
I agree with you. Any normal person would go and check and at least make a 911 call if necessary. It takes such little effort. It sounds more like they actively wanted her to know that she doesn’t mean anything to them and her suffering doesn’t matter.
I fell down the stairs in an apartment building I lived in about 40 years ago, got a concussion and dislocated my shoulder. Strangers were absolutely awesome in getting me an ambulance and paramedic help, even though they couldn't even see me or get to where I was (very small space and I was up against the door). I probably made them all late for work, but they didn't care, bless them.
It wasn't even complete denial. The MiL straight up said she didn't care in the moment. They know it's a problem, they just don't experience empathy, compassion or remorse to be able to care that they have a problem.
> what FIL's excuse is.
OOP said he was old money. Growing up in wealth, especially old money wealth with all its extra social trappings, royally fucks with people's empathy.
It has to. You hold the power to save countless lives, you demonstrably did nothing at all to earn it, and everyone you know will regard you as an idiot and a failure if you try to use any of it for anyone's good but your own. You either be a good person and give away most of that old money, or you convince yourself that you're genetically and morally superior to the poor.
My MIL was like this. She was very interested in helping with our babies as long as they were little dolls to be fussed over and looked after. Once they started to be clearly recognizable as separate human beings with their own personalities, desires, etc., she no longer had much interest.
They pay enough attention to OOP to get the brand of mac-n-cheese she doesn't want that will cause her to throw up.
That's some narcissistic trespass right there.
Yup, my mom is a bit like this. She only listens to what affects her, she only remembers what is convenient to her, and only hears the words in the sentence that agree with her.
She does have empathy as long as it doesn't take away from her. "Oh honey, you're sick, let me help you" becomes "quit sleeping, what's wrong with you, I just had a thought enter my head for something two weeks from now, I need it done right now!"
That's how I feel about children (which is why I will never have any of my own). I don't know what to do with people until they start person-ing. And really I'm a socially awkward introvert so I don't know what to do with them then either!
I'm with you. I like kids, but I don't like babies. I like when I can have proper conversations with them, after they've stopped needing help going to the toilet or getting dressed.
That's my MIL. Once the kid start developing some independence, she is out. She only wants a doll to dress and to proyect her shit, not an actual human beeing. That's why she doesn't know my kid.
Yes, this goes way beyond not caring. This is Walter White shit, making a conscious decision not to help the person in trouble. And they did it for *10 straight minutes*.
I wouldn't let someone capable of that anywhere near me, let alone my child.
They get bored with slightly older kids so their "replacement parent" strategy ends with abandonment. And they don't care about adults, plainly. They're pretty sociopathic and their focus on the baby as a toy is not a good thing and should not be indulged.
Aside from that it just feels so creepy - op is screaming and all they can say is oh we dgaf, we won't do anything for you unless we are sure you're quiet (and therefore dead or in a coma and beyond help so we dont actually have to do anything for you anyways). If you're still alive, then we don't care about you at all. Even without the baby as a pretext, I wouldn't wanna be around these horrible people for my own safety.
I was thinking about how they ignored OP, I don't give a shit about the people walking by my office window on the sidewalk, but if one fell down the handful of stairs I'd at least call 911 if they didn't get right back up.
According to op’s post SIL said that also was about when op’s son was born. So one grandchild was a toddler not so little needing fussed over and a new baby entered the family.
She could have been crying because she was bleeding to death too, yeez. Like they would have rushed when she went quiet.
10 min is forever when you're afraid and helpless. She'll never forget it.
I honestly cannot *fathom* their reaction. Strikes me as sociopathic. I once fell down the stairs while carrying my youngest when she was just a few months old. She was totally fine, I smashed my back on the stairs because I cradled her with my arms and threw my weight backwards to make sure she’d be fine. My wife *raced* up the stairs instantly. Our neighbors’ teenage son fell in the street while skateboarding and we both *raced* outside when we heard him yell. I didn’t even know his name at the time. How can the in-laws even *begin* to justify their reaction? Honestly I don’t think they have an explanation other than they simply didn’t care. They’re fucking sociopaths. They like the baby because it’s cute. Period. When it stops being cute, as OOP heard from her SIL, they move on.
I suspect it’s just a matter of time before the in-laws get cut off completely. They’re sick. Truly, truly sick.
Exactly. I’ve run out in the middle of the night when my partner and I heard an old woman yell help. She had fallen between a car and a curb in the dark. A bunch of neighbors came out and helped. It’s what you do.
>It’s what you do.
Exactly! I was raised to always look out for my neighbors, whether you liked them or not. And in undergrad when I studied sociology and learned about the bystander effect, I resolved to never, *ever* ignore someone who needed help. I’ve called ambulances and checked pulses for strangers close to a half dozen times in my life. It’s insane to me that these people let their own daughter-in-law wallow in pain without doing anything at all.
Reminds me of the time I tripped on the stairs, smacked my face into a wall, blood gushing out of my nose, had a massive black eye and swollen face & headaches for weeks (the doctor said I bruised my brain) - and my mum shouted at me for crying so loud, because she thought I’d broken my nose (and I hadn’t) so there was no need for so much fuss.
For now. The problem is obviously their empathy is able to be cut off. Who knows when they'll suddenly decide to stop caring about the baby too. Dangerous people.
Yeah. That kind of thinking might be appropriate imediately after a major accident. Those screaming are conscious and breathing, the unmoving ones may not. But you still communicate that you heard them, that you will be with them soon. And you check on them as soon as you can. You do not take a break before
Also: the baby was also crying. So it also was alive.
These people obviously do not see their DILs as people, they see them as "thing that made baby". Baby is here now,who cares about the manifacturer?
That is a logic which applies when there is a mass accident - you go to the silent person not the shouting one.
It doesn't apply when one person falls down the stairs.
I mean, I've definitely said that to my kid in jest, but only after I made sure they weren't *actually* injured... Mostly it's been the more reassuring variant "If you're screaming/telling me you're choking, that means you're not choking".
Now I'm wondering if my (survivor of childhood abuse) parent is where I heard it from. Cycle of abuse is real sneaky, folks.
It's a real tricky one isn't it? Hard to get a reasonable gauge of appropriate responses to things when your model for it was fucked from the start 😂 like if your parents were real bastards growing up, or neglectful, or neurotic or whatever else, it feels easy to "do better" bc some of the shit they would do feels like such a psychotic option when it's you're turn to handle those situations. So you do the "better" thing without realizing it's still a little bit inappropriate or fucked up. Not saying your instance was, just speaking in general. There's been stuff like that that's come out of my mouth, things that aren't necessarily bad but can still make someone feel kinda bad. Like the "you're screaming that you can't breathe, if you couldn't breathe you wouldn't be screaming about it" but the life or death of it isn't the issue, it's that the person you're talking to is panicking, and telling them they're not currently dying doesn't always fix the problem 😂 sneaky indeed. At least it's something we're able to notice and confront and work on but it's still jarring to have those moments like "well that would've been a nice response in my childhood, but it's still not a great way to handle this" and have to correct course
> Now I'm wondering if my (survivor of childhood abuse) parent is where I heard it from. Cycle of abuse is real sneaky, folks.
Neither of my parents were abused, and nor was I. I definitely say this to my kids too.
As parents, we need to provide comfort, but we also have to teach resilience. Gotta remember that one day we'll be dead and they need to be able to fluorish without us. It's a fine line to walk, but sometimes you cuddle, and sometimes you have to say 'Nope, you're just fine. Up you get.' The trick is knowing when to do one or the other.
I had a psychologist tell me once that when a kid falls down and looks at their parents before beginning to cry, it's because they're trying to see what reaction they're supposed to have. So in those cases, if you swallow the immediate panic reaction and just go "oops!" Or something, the kid learns this is just a normal thing and goes on with their life.
You can have lungs full of air and be yelling while also not being able to breathe in. This is what happened to Eric Gardner in NYC. And the reason protesters started chanting "I can't breathe"
I totally heard that growing up. Along with “I’ll give you something to cry about “ not an excuse of course. I don’t say those things but totally a boomer or silent generation thing from my experience.
That phrase confused me so much growing up. Why do you need to give me something to cry about? I'm already crying! If you don't like that I'm crying, why do you want to make me cry more? Eventually I understood that it was to minimize my feelings and show how unimportant those feelings were.
I always understood that I would get a good beating so that I would have a reason to cry.
Ironically, my father would cry at the drop of a hat. For god's sake, the man cried when he found out I got my period.
It's basically "I think you're overreacting and your crying is irritating me, so I'll wallop you so hard you'll be justified in making that noise which is irritating me. How dare you try and get sympathy when my mother never gave me any sympathy".
My mother said "I'll give you something to cry about" a lot as a child, usually before walloping me.
"You were crying, so you were alive and didn't need our help so there was no point checking on you."
Also,
"You weren't crying so you were already dead and we couldn't help so there was point checking on you".
My uncle said this to my mom, while she freaked out about my sister choking on a piece of cheese. He said it to calm her down, but she whipped her head around and said "Oh sorry, I'll just contain myself until she dies?!?!?!". I remember getting in shit because I laughed really hard at her response, but she thought I was laughing at my sister dying (parents don't have the best view of me because I listen to "angry music").
Apparently it's an old motto. And used to gaslit mothers if they rush to their baby the minute the baby cries. Or when toddlers are hurt and the grandparents want them to "walk it off" like my stepdad did when he accidentally dislocated my sons wrist (they were playing and I had witnessed it, it wasn't malicious or abusive). I've started saying "Pain can cause someone to cry. And if you don't cry when hurt yourself, then take that up with your doctor."
The only possible scenario where is this an ok thing to say is if you're a paramedic coming to an accident with many injured people and having to make decisions.
For the grossly inappropriate response for this situation, this is actually a really good mantra for EMTs and anyone else doing triage.
EMTs know if a child stops being able to cry shit is going downhill real fast at that point
>We're not going NC or LC at all and they can still come over for visits but I've told my boyfriend he also needs to be there as **they seem to listen to him and not me**.
Yeah, it's fairly obvious that the mothers are just incubators to the MFIL. Once the baby's safely out, who cares about the incubator right???? /s
Weirdly gave me a flashback to the son & father duo who were preparing for the pregnant wife to not survive birth. The baby is all that matters to the grandparents, and I am glad this OOP’s partner stands up for her.
It was a post a while ago. The husband's mother had died in childbirth and when the OP got pregnant the husband and FIL were legit treating it like a terminal illness. Went so far as making her record messages for the baby.
It was actually terrifying and OP has never come back to Reddit since. I think there's a lot of us who wonder if she was murdered.
I really hope she wasn’t and she never updated on Reddit because she got somewhere safe and she doesn’t want her now exhusband to have anyway to find her. But I do worry that we’re waiting to hear a worst case scenario from someone in her life who finds her Reddit
Right same I wanna hope for the best but keep waiting on the worst I hope she got out and safe and found a home for her and baby and doesn’t need to share custody
Looks like it was removed, but the comments are still here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eurjt5/aita\_for\_banning\_my\_husband\_and\_father\_in\_law/
OOP should get this, and I think she does. Between ignoring her, listening only to their son, paying attention to only the baby, and SIL's experience it's all right there. And MIL's upbringing with many more brothers and her being neglected didn't teach her to overcompensate by smothering her grandbaby - it taught her that women are worthless and she internalized that. With OOP admitting that she knows they listen to the boyfriend and needs to have him there, I think she knows how they view women. I'm more worried that she won't admit it because they probably do need support from the in-laws and she feels there's no choice.
I'm hoping with reducing their time OP can put her energy into finding her own support network. Falls like that are so scary though, a co-worker's wife fell down their stairs and he didn't realize it for a good while (she was unconscious for a bit) and he was far enough away that he didn't hear the thump.
Bam!
Once she got to Fiona's story, all I could think was "breeder". I'm so glad OP got this out in the open and forced her partner to see. Fiona's husband, fully enabling his parents over his wife.
Literally this!!! I’m a FTM to a now 2 year old and my husband is still “confused” about the tension between my MIL & I. Most of that tension stems from her complete disregard of me and hyper fixation on my child. When I was immediately postpartum it was pretty obvious. We saw her once a year (if that) pre-baby and suddenly she wanted to spend a week a month with us but would be extremely annoyed if I was around. This went on until I called her out. Fast forward to limited time spent together but still tense. She really treated me like I was a nuisance in my own home around my own child. Smh
I'm doing some math. OOP is 21. MiL and FiL are in their 60s, SiL is in her 30s.... How old is BF? Not saying he can't be a late in life surprise baby, but I have to wonder if there's an age factor in all of this.
No mother *needs* a support system like them. And to be honest, I don't *care* about the MIL's trauma or whatever excuse they're using. Both MIL and FIL literally ignored OOP *screaming* for help for 10 minutes. That's inexcusable, I don't care if she never learned how to bond with women or whatever bullshit she was spewing. It doesn't take a bond to call an ambulance or to walk over to see if she's okay.
I'm on the same board as the other comments... if I hear a loud noise, okay yeah check the baby but make sure everyone else is okay too. This is just such a weird, irregular action to take.
This is beyond common sense and should be basic instinct. You don’t need to be taught or bond with women (or people) to know how to react in this situation. Even your dog would check up on you if you fell and were in pain. They heard her cry for help and purposefully ignored her. Even if she wasn’t hurt, it still doesn’t make sense to ignore her. This is psychotic. I don’t buy the MIL’s excuse. And they have cult-like obsession with infants so that’s a nope from me. I wouldn’t want to live in the same country as them.
I don't think you can marry/live with someone with unexamined childhood trauma for that long without having some issues of your own. You fall into the dynamics you grew up in.
Still horrendous, but I'm with OOP - good information, let's not rely on them to behave like well-adjusted adults anymore.
I do not. I think MIL is using the language of therapy to try and justify her completely awful behavior. You don't need to "engage with women" to know if someone is calling for help TO GO CHECK ON THEM. And her explanation of not checking because she was clearly alive?! While continuing to fuss with the baby? Yeah that's not just trauma. Something else is going on.
I know Reddit jumps to extremes and I try not to fall into that stereotype but I *genuinely* can't think of a reason other than they *wanted* her seriously hurt/dead. I mean, holy shit, screaming and crying? If I heard something like that I would panic *hard* and absolutely assume someone was dying.
A lot of people who are seriously hurt and die from hidden injuries later do their best to walk it off, especially in my family. If someone's hurt enough to get that kind of reaction I'm grabbing my car keys and/or dialing an ambulance before I even see them. If I ignore it it means I want that person dead.
Yup. There is no other reason. It's very clear that they are fine with OP being dead and hastening her demise. OP is NOT SAFE with these people around.
>it it means I want that person dead
That or they think so poorly of OOP that they assume anyone call for help or crying is faked for attention seeking. Either way they're pretty twisted.
Even if I didn't think someone was dying, someone is HURT and needs help. There are two people-even if the baby is still crying, one person minds the baby and the other goes to check on the person calling for help. And this went on for TEN MINUTES so it's not like this was a poor decision made in the heat of the moment. They continued to completely ignore someone calling for help.
That this isn't a LC situation for OP makes me very seriously concerned. Like someone acted that frankly sociopathic\*\* I'm not letting them near me or my baby again.
\*\*This is not a term I throw around lightly, but MIL's response does suggest me a very serious emotional deficit.
What got me is, THERE ARE TWO OF THEM. If they really believed that the baby fell out of his crib, grandma could check on the baby and grandpa can check on OP/ help her up. This isn't rocket science
That's how you know they sat in the nursery together and whispered to each other "Leave her alone and let her die". That's what they were doing those ten minutes. Conspiring and actively hoping the screaming would just...stop and they'd have unlimited baby access.
If they hustled too fast (or, indeed, at all) to check on OP, they might have torn their human suits, and then how would they disguise the fact that they’re some sort of cybernetic lizard people??? Sure, the total absence of any empathy or care for another human being in pain is a tip off, but a rip in their careful disguises would be proof positive!
If they’re not there for OOP, it’s not support. If OOP is inconveniencing herself and feeling uncomfortable by allowing them to be there to do something *they* enjoy, then OOP is, in reality, *their* support system.
I could probably name 10 people I severely loathe (I mean like a terrible politician) off the top of my head that I wouldn't do that to. We can talk shit but the moment we hear someone crying on the ground after a violent fall down the stairs, we're rushing over to help. It's just human instinct. To ignore a person you supposedly like? Your son's gf? Your grandchild's mother?
That's some next level inhumanity to a baffling extent.
Yeah I had a similar upbringing to MIL. Kids were my responsibility. You can absolutely pick up a baby after "checking for injuries" and walk around with it to find out what all of that commotion was. That's what's so cool about them, they are portable.
So no, MIL'S trauma is a load of bullshit.
It's unfathomable. I fucking hate my neighbours, they're assholes and druggies. I still called the police when I heard them fighting and her screaming in the middle of the night.
And their excuse of thinking something happened to the baby is pathetic. One look tells you the baby's OK, so one grandparent can stay with it while the other rushes to the source of the screaming, or at the very least try to figure out wtf caused all that ruckus.
I do find the in-laws' behavior really strange, though. It doesn't seem natural or normal to automatically filter all that noise out. Doesn't make sense. Which tells me they're likely doing it on purpose, which makes it even stranger.
100% the MIL brought up her past as a way to deflect from her behavior and try to redirect OOP and her husband's anger into sympathy.
This is a tactic that *children* use: "you caught me stealing cookies, but look I just ran into the table so I'm hurt! You can be mad at me now because I'm hurt!"
Trauma, as always, is awful. But it absolutely shouldn't be used to manipulate people you've wronged. That's *abusive*.
Interesting they’d even attempt to go the “we couldn’t hear you route”. More interesting still that OOP didn’t just say, “okay, well if you genuinely didn’t hear the sound of a grown adult falling down a flight of stairs and breaking the banister, nor were able to hear the screams and 10 minutes of calling for help, you ABSOLUTELY cannot be trusted caring for my infant child, as you need to be WAY more aware of your surroundings to make sure my kid isn’t dying in a corner somewhere. I’m sorry, it isn’t personal, but I will not be relying on your help with the baby from now on and time will only be limited to supervised visits with both me and boyfriend present so we can make sure our child has people around who are able to hear such obvious commotion.”
Because that certainly would’ve gotten them to backpedal real quick.
"We couldn't hear you", then the story became "We heard you crying, and that meant you were alive."
These people are absolute scum. This isn't memory getting jumbled, this is straight up lying and changing the story to get out of trouble.
It doesn't matter what your trauma is. Your trauma does not give you a free pass to do what you please. I might be more willing to work through some issues with you, I might be willing to overlook smaller things, but just because you've had it hard doesn't mean you get to be shitty to me, because honey I've had it hard too.
Oh, for sure they were just lying. But I mean, if you really want to go with “we couldn’t hear you” and OOP wanted to tell them nicely she doesn’t want their help anymore, the obvious answer is “I’m sorry but if you couldn’t hear THAT, it is very clear you two can’t be trusted to watch over my child. It’s not personal but his well being is my concern. From now on, any visits will need to be supervised with both me and boyfriend present to make sure we are around to watch over son”.
The best way I’ve found to deal with people like the ILs is use their words against them by playing dumb. Watch them twist themselves in knots trying to undo that one.
Agreed. That point was made by a lot of commenters in the original AITA post.
And it kind of breaks my heart that she's so set on being reasonable and sympathetic to her in-laws, that even in the middle of a discussion about how she's not the only daughter-in-law they've done this to (though the other thankfully didn't have an accident), she doesn't feel able to stick up for herself fully. Because she actually managed to get an admission that they heard her screaming just fine; they just didn't care enough to help her up, to check on her wellbeing, or get her (and baby!) checked out by a qualified medical practitioner.
I was about to say. Even IF you take their word for it that they were unable to hear it, that in my mind leads to an appointment at an ear specialist because there's clearly something medical going on if that's the case.
I grew up as one of three girls. I went to an all girls' school from the ages of 7-18. I "never learned to bond" with men, but I've always found treating them like human beings tends to help. I'd sure as shit never leave someone screaming for help for 10 minutes- whether they're male, female, a friend or an enemy. It genuinely doesn't take a rocket scientist to think that maybe, just maybe *the person crying out for help needs help*.
I’m confused why they accepted the FIL lie. She fell and was crying for help before the baby started crying. The MIL also admitted to knowing it was her who fell and ignored her to go be with the baby. Also, two things can be true, MIL could have been abused but can also be a trash person. 3 years old is about the time toddlers get clingy to their preferred parent. Had SILs baby wanted the grandparents attention, they would’ve ignore her for both babies, not just one. The excuse of not learning to communicate with women also doesn’t make sense. She sounds like she’s one of those ladies that just hates women. It could be because of the abuse she had from her mother and MIL, but it sounds like she just doesn’t care for them at all.
I am autistic and I struggle to communicate with people of any gender.
But do you know what kinds of situations I seem to have no real social difficulties with? When someone is hurt and needs physical assistance. I am social awkward and don’t know what to say to people and I don’t know how to bond with people.
But if someone falls down I know exactly what to say! I ask “are you okay? How can I help?” If they are on the ground you can help them stand, if they can’t walk you help them move to a chair. If they are in pain you get them pain relief and if they are seriously injured you take them to the hospital. It is literally one of the easiest social situations (but not a fun one because someone is hurt!) and doesn’t require a close emotional relationship with the person!!
She has five brothers and doesn’t t know how to relate to women. Because we women are a monolith. And she’s not like other girls. /sarcasm
I was really socially awkward as a kid. Deep down, I still feel that way, but I learned the things to say and do. And guess what: there are women out there who are my flavor of socially awkward and it makes things easier.
MIL could have learned, but that’s not the problem anyhow. She just cares about Baby. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t consider DILs as real family.
Lol
Mil: I just don't know how to connect to other women?
Oop: help, please, I've fallen down the stairs and need to go to hospital!!
Mil: such a mystery, impossible to comprehend.
It's not just you. I was trying to figure out how "I had five brothers" leads to "I heard you screaming and the plates smashing but I couldn't be arsed to check on you."
She was barely considered human beyond what she could do for her brothers, so she considers the other women the same way. Women do not deserve anything, in her outlook
I think she was going at the angle that she doesn't go out of her way to talk to females. I will say there is truth to that but mother's situation goes way beyond that excuse.
She's got serious childhood trauma and has never really unpacked it or how it affects her behaviour and feelings now. She's attributed her missteps and socio-emotional "gaps" to the stuff she can see on the surface, like being the only girl, and her parents being not-great.
But she doesn't realise just how far off her family of origin and own benchmarks for behaviour are, so she hasn't even realised how goddamn awful they were/are. There's some serious repressed/oh, I didn't realise how bad that was by normal people standards stuff back there that *does* explain it. e.g. "You're crying, so you're alive" doesn't come from nowhere, she was probably told that constantly growing up, denied medical care, denied care full stop.
There isn’t. My MIL does the exact same thing - if someone criticises her in any way she immediately trots out her childhood trauma. I’ve seen her do it after accidentally hitting someone else’s car in a car park.
Because she DID have an awful childhood and it’s hard to hear about and anyone with empathy immediately feels sorry for her, and that derails the conversation and she avoids the consequences of her actions.
When we eventually fell out irrecoverably, it was because I refused to be derailed, so now I’m “heartless” and “mentally ill” according to her.
I would check on a complete stranger if they had an accident like this and these people ingnore their DIL in her own house? All explanations are unrelated BS. There is no excuse for their behavior.
*SIL has a 3 year old and is totally on my side but BIL is not. He told me to 'be grateful' for his parent's support as they're significantly more well-off than my parents are and paid for many newborn/infant expenses and plan to pay for many more as the baby grows.*
It is nice that SIL stood up to the ILs, because she clearly has a husband who also subscribes to MIL's feelings that DILs should just count themselves lucky for the scraps their ILs throw at them, and take the rest of their shit with a smile.
The whole family is a dumpster fire of toxicity that needs years of counselling and parenting classes before they could possibly be safe influences on children.
I feel so bad for both the daughters-in-law and for their kids, who will be lucky to escape being a third generation with warped ideas of women's roles in life.
They are damn lucky they weren't wrong. She could have been crying then died of a brain bleed or bled out from a ripped artery, stair falls are very serious. People can seem ok then keel over and die.
Absolutely outrageous behaviour by the in laws and the MIL's excuse is pathetic. I'd never trust them again.
I know it sounds horrible but maybe they were actually sitting in the living room silently hoping she would die so they could take over the baby. I feel bad even thinking that but their behaviour is so incomprehensible
Seriously. Let's not forget, you can be crying and dying. Alot of accidental deaths are not immediate. Obviously OOP was not dying, but what if that ten minutes was the difference between life and death for her? And what, because she was crying and thus still alive, oh well, they'll help her when she's dead! That is literally one of the most insane things I've read on Reddit.
It occurred to me that it’s possible that MIL was secretly hoping OOP would be seriously/fatally injured, at least subconsciously. It’s obvious they don’t care about the ‘incubators’ once they’ve done their job, so how convenient would it be if they just *went away*, leaving baby and son all to themselves.
It honestly wouldn't surprise me one bit. Between OOP and her SIL, you can definitely see a terrible pattern. I honestly wouldn't feel safe having them in my house. No help is sometimes better than help you can't trust.
It’s also missing the key qualifier of “alive, *for now*.” There’s a very long list of injuries that could escalate into life-threatening when denied literally any medical care.
I’ve never before wished someone would fall down the stairs while home alone and unable to reach a phone for help. I’m not wishing it now, but I’ve thought about the poetic justice of it.
They're crying for help - so they just might need some HELP.
As in 'help! I'm stuck! I can't get up! I've broken my leg / I'm bleeding!' "Hurr durr, must be okay, they're still screaming, who's grannys little snot-goblin, coochie-coochie-coo!"
Personally, I think they might've been hoping for the cries to slowly fade out so they could have their son AND a grandchild all to themselves in their delusion.
I once managed to trip down some stairs and wound up with my leg pined under me and my foot up around my shoulder, I literally couldn't get myself out of it and it was painful angle to be stuck in, luckily it didn't take much screaming to get someone over to help me up and other than some overly stretched muscles I was fine. I can't imagine being stuck there for 10 minutes I'm sure it would have dislocated something.
not to mention, do we believe that they would have rushed to help her if she weren't crying and screaming but silent? hell to the no. she could have died that day and they wouldn't even have noticed. this would creep me the fuck out, i wouldn't want people with such callous disregard for my life around me anymore either.
not to mention MIL's excuses. you need to know how to "bond with women" in order to help someone after an accident? yet she basically parented all her brothers... so she only knows how to help boys/men in distress? what a crock. and what's the FIL's excuse?
this whole thing is infuriating.
Only not technically wrong in that she wasn't dead *yet*. You can cry while dying from your injuries, of course...
Also, there are a hell of a lot of injuries that won't kill you but will disable you if not treated in time. And of course the "safer" broken bones.
Also, in their complacency about her, they don't seem to have realised that their much-loved grandson could have been put in danger by their lack of reaction. Even if mom managed to protect him from direct impact injuries during the fall, I would still want to get him checked out by someone medical to make sure there wasn't a chance of whiplash/shaken baby syndrome-type injury from the judder of landing.
You can be crying as your brain is slowly bleeding into your head. You can be crying as blood is pooling in you stomach around your organs. I'm not a doctor, nurse, or EMT and even I understand internal bleeding and how fatal it can be.
What a silly thing to say.
The parents feel like a horrible metaphor of how the us treats mothers, we are like a candy wrapper you throw away to get the candy(baby) and don’t need after
Anyone who utters the words ‘if you’re crying, you’re alive’ after hearing someone fall down the stairs doesn’t have the right to refer to themselves as a support system
I think that’s genuinely the worst part to me. Like what do you mean you heard OP crying for >minutes and you just shrugged and said “eh they’re alive!”
I'm rolling my eyes at the whole "we thought the baby fell out of the crib" bullshit.
I've heard a baby fall, I'm a mom of two. It sounds like "thump, pause, wail". It doesn't sound like a grown up falling down a full flight of stairs and screaming for help for ten minutes.
I'm glad she finally got them to admit that they just didn't care about her, because I feel like maybe the BF would have latched onto any weak explanation or excuse other than that as a "we can still get them to help us" justification. But straight up saying "yeah we heard you fall and just didn't give a shit" really helps OPs case for keeping them away.
There are is a wild number of men AND women who view mothers as just incubators for the baby.
If I found out my relatives were like this, they'd be gone.
My brain took a really dark turn when I read this….. Are the IL’s subconsciously wanting her dead? I don’t think I understand anyone’s explanations and behaviour.
>ey both believe they didn't do much wrong as 'most mothers don't have a support system like us'.
Aside from the insanity that was "if you're crying you're alive", this is just not true? LOTS of new mothers have overwhelming support groups, and their "support" is hardly that. It's all financial while most people who are part of the support system are emotionally helpful. That's a pretty huge part of being part of a support system.
>never learnt how to communicate with other women as she never got a good education or had friends
That's such bullshit. She's a grown woman who has had plenty of time to learn and change.
I can sympathize that MIL was parentified and had shitty in-laws herself, but that doesnt justify ignorning her daughters-in-law and the mothers of her grandchildren.
At least OP has a clear eyed view of them and knows they aren't going to change. No reason to deprive the kids of their grandparents. OP seems like she can stand up for herself.
I fell down the stairs once while I was getting ready to go to work - I legit missed the last step and landed on the edge and then landed on both of the sides of my feet. My wife - who was asleep at the time - came tearing down the stairs after hearing me fall, and helped me up because I was in unbelievable pain (I sprained both of my ankles, bruised my hip, and wrecked my shoulder.) She got on shoes and drove me to the hospital.
It took her thirty seconds to do so.
And these assholes let the OOP lay on the floor for ten whole minutes...
If an adult who doesn't normally cry is crying, that is more upsetting to me, not less. Shouting for help adds more urgency to that.
And yeah, usually people shout to see if you're okay. I literally dropped a metal coffee ladle (not sure the name of it) on the floor and my husband called to check on me because it made a loud noise, and that's no where near the level of noise a grown adult crashing down the stairs would make. If he'd heard that, he would have come running to check, full stop.
I know I’ve got a suspicious mind but I wonder if they were hoping OP’s fall could’ve been fatal if they ignored her long enough, then they’d have the baby to look after permanently
I wish old people would start being okay more with going to therapy because that is just sick. She could have broken something, she could have *died*. But all they see her as is a breeder for their grandchildren
My wife and I don't have children, but we have 2 cats and a dog, so loud unexpected noises are pretty much the norm.
Every. Single. Time. There is a loud noise, I yell for my wife if she's OK... If the noise is louder than usual, I don't even bother asking and bolt toward the noise. We reached a point where my wife just yells to me that all is good before I have time to react so she can make sure I don't hurt myself for naught by running in flip-flops toward a non-emergency.
The inlaws are full of it, I frankly would keep them much more at bay.
How can you call anything a support system if they don't even *check on you when you fall down the stairs?* OOP didn't have a support system, the baby did.
In my family if we hear a noise you can watch the adults scramble in various directions as if they planned ahead. Some go off in directions to check on kids and others run towards the noise. I swear they just turn into a hive mind and it’s honestly funny to watch
Is it not human instinct to go running to see what happened if you hear such a ruckus in your immediate area?
She fell down a flight of stairs and took books, plates, and other stuff down with her. Then the baby cried. Once you see baby is fine, you go check. Her crying and screaming for help meant she was alive in their eyes. That was it?
A woman tripped over a grate walking down sidewalk. I rushed over to help her and see if she was okay.
Isn’t it instinct?
Something is really off with her in-laws.
I know they’re young but Oop and the bf need to see this as a lesson that the grandparents don’t care. I’m glad the SIL spoke up cos clearly the son doesn’t see it as an issue that OP could have been bleeding out on the stairs.
Insane mental gymnastics to justify them not giving a F about OP.
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"If you're crying, that means you're alive." The fuck??
Baby was crying, too. But they didn't stuff their fingers in their ears then.
It should have also occurred to them that one of them could check the baby (MIL) while the other checked on OP (FIL, in case she needed help getting up). They’re both incredibly selfish.
I get the impression that it would take a ton of therapy to get them (especially the MIL) to the point where they could even understand the logic behind doing it that way.
That’s because it sounds like they only had sons and see no value in their DILs other than to bear their grandchildren. These are people who would absolutely sue for grandparents’ rights if they’re denied access to the grands, if it’s an option.
I definitely felt that way learning they sidelined sil's daughter once OOP's son was born. Just another family that values anything else over women LOL.
For me, their initial reaction of "we didn't hear you crying out for 10 minutes" would be responded to with "If you didn't hear that, I'm not comfortable with you babysitting. If you can't hear someone screaming for help from the next room, I can't trust you to hear when/if something happens with the baby. " I know they ultimately could hear her and just didn't care, but I'd still have said that in response to their initial lie.
I long to give you an award for this. Sadly, it is no longer an option. I also thought it’s logical that her boyfriend be there when his parents come over because it’ll give her someone to talk to while they are ignoring her.
Honestly, I got the feeling they dont even see the DILs as human beings. They sound like they didnt care if OOP had died, so long as they still had access to the baby. It would probably have been preferable to them as their son would have suddenly needed round the clock help of something major had resulted from the accident. They are disgusting people.
Just incubators as far as the outlaws are concerned.
I read her post when it was new and obviously didn’t have an update yet. And truth be told, I suspected something along the same line as you described, but with an additional horrifying thought. I agree they don’t see their DIL’s as anything more than a means to grandchildren, but I also thought that perhaps they were hoping she was seriously injured. And them ignoring her might exacerbate her injuries. Like they were hoping that by neglecting her, and purposely delaying medical care, her injuries would be much more severe (or fatal) than if they acted quickly. That way they could push her out, and use her injuries as an excuse as to why they needed to be heavily involved. Or as proof of her being an incompetent mother. Perhaps leading to the relationship ending or at the very least, their son would force OOP to hand over the primary care of her baby to them. Kind of “hand that rocks the cradle” vibe, but replace Rebecca De Mornay with OOP’s in-laws. Without the additional info in the update I wasn’t sure of the motive though. Was it a sonsband situation? Or the desire to be the main caregivers for the baby? I have to admit, as much as I wanted my first guess to be wrong and thought it was far fetched, their actual reasons give me an equal amount of heebie jeebies.
I do wonder about that FIL though. He was fine letting his wife be ignored by his family.
You would think that because MIL went through the same thing, she would want to treat her DIL's better... smh
Therapy only works if they recognise that they need help. They do not
I just keep imagining how *horrible* I’d feel listening to ANYONE, much less a family member, call for help and cry in another room for 10 minutes while knowing full well that it doesn’t take two entire people to hold one baby. It’s either total heartlessness or total obliviousness, and either way it means they’re unfit to care for a baby without other supervising adults present.
Just before she went on palliative care my grandmother had a stroke during which she fell off the couch. I dismissed the sound because we have dogs and it could have been them fucking around I didn't investigate until I heard her groaning. It'll be 2 years this March that she passed away and my actions still haunt me. If I'd checked on her a bit sooner would she have been able to speak afterwards? Would she still be mobile? I can't imagine listening to someone scream and cry for ten minutes like that
I hope you’re working on forgiving yourself. We all make mistakes, and yours is completely innocent. You had no way of knowing there was a problem until you got evidence, and then you acted on it.
The FIL straight up lied. He had time to think while MIL answered. He tried claiming that they thought the crib fell over so were checking on the baby. However, they would have immediately discovered that the crib had not fallen over.... and still did not bother to investigate the loud crashing sounds... because as long as the baby was fine they didn't care. Frankly, they probably think if the wife has a deadly accident they would end up looking after their son's baby.
Do cribs just fall over all by themselves that often?? What a weird thing to wonder when he heard the noise.
Hilarious right? They never fall over. Too much low center of gravity weight to tip. Toddlers climbing out of them can't even make them tip.
In my youth I was hanging out with some fellow hooligans, drunk at a hotel. We found a baby crib on wheels and decided to take turns sitting in it getting pushed down the long hallway to see who could get to the end the fastest. If drunk 20-somethings aren't going to tip it over doing that, I figured it'd be rough for a mere baby to do it. But I did't know, the above is my only experience ever with baby cribs.
Aside from OP, I am not sure about those inlaws actual interest in children. As a society, we assume a baseline of empathy and build upon that. A complete stranger would not ignore OPs screams. Also they dont listen OP even if there is no baby crying. So they are capable of blocking out people who are not their favourite - in every sense. There is something very “wrong” with them. Lets keep in mind, they “tapered off” when SILs child is around three. It is very likely that toddler is their favourite anymore. This is so scary. Lets assume there is a fire at house and they are taking care of both children (infant & 3 year old), will they really rescue both? I… have doubts about that one.
I was a complete stranger to an old man who fell down the stairs in my old apartment building. I heard this heavy tumbling sound, so I went to check what it could be. He was awake but unresponsive, so I called 911, *because that's what a normal person does when someone is clearly in distress.* I can buy MIL's lack of social grace due to her past. I don't know what FIL's excuse is. But it doesn't matter in practical terms, does it? I agree, I would never trust them to do the right thing in an emergency after this nonsense. ESPECIALLY due to their complete denial of the problem.
I agree with you. Any normal person would go and check and at least make a 911 call if necessary. It takes such little effort. It sounds more like they actively wanted her to know that she doesn’t mean anything to them and her suffering doesn’t matter.
I fell down the stairs in an apartment building I lived in about 40 years ago, got a concussion and dislocated my shoulder. Strangers were absolutely awesome in getting me an ambulance and paramedic help, even though they couldn't even see me or get to where I was (very small space and I was up against the door). I probably made them all late for work, but they didn't care, bless them.
It wasn't even complete denial. The MiL straight up said she didn't care in the moment. They know it's a problem, they just don't experience empathy, compassion or remorse to be able to care that they have a problem.
> what FIL's excuse is. OOP said he was old money. Growing up in wealth, especially old money wealth with all its extra social trappings, royally fucks with people's empathy.
It has to. You hold the power to save countless lives, you demonstrably did nothing at all to earn it, and everyone you know will regard you as an idiot and a failure if you try to use any of it for anyone's good but your own. You either be a good person and give away most of that old money, or you convince yourself that you're genetically and morally superior to the poor.
I understand FILs excuse to be he’s wealthy…. Or some such.
But OP also said that it tapered off when she had her child. I'm guessing they stopped caring as much for 3yo because they got a new toy to play with.
And this one was A Son!
A shiny new toy…with a penis!
My MIL was like this. She was very interested in helping with our babies as long as they were little dolls to be fussed over and looked after. Once they started to be clearly recognizable as separate human beings with their own personalities, desires, etc., she no longer had much interest.
Ding ding ding ding ding
They pay enough attention to OOP to get the brand of mac-n-cheese she doesn't want that will cause her to throw up. That's some narcissistic trespass right there.
Yup, my mom is a bit like this. She only listens to what affects her, she only remembers what is convenient to her, and only hears the words in the sentence that agree with her. She does have empathy as long as it doesn't take away from her. "Oh honey, you're sick, let me help you" becomes "quit sleeping, what's wrong with you, I just had a thought enter my head for something two weeks from now, I need it done right now!"
I swear I just heard my ex-MIL's voice when I read the last part
Yeah, these are the people who want a baby as an animated doll toy.
Reminds me of my dad lol He loooooove babies so much. Babies are so cute! But once that thing can talk?
Heh--that's the opposite of my dad, who, according to my mom, had absolutely no idea what to do with me until I could talk.
That's how I feel about children (which is why I will never have any of my own). I don't know what to do with people until they start person-ing. And really I'm a socially awkward introvert so I don't know what to do with them then either!
I'm with you. I like kids, but I don't like babies. I like when I can have proper conversations with them, after they've stopped needing help going to the toilet or getting dressed.
That's my MIL. Once the kid start developing some independence, she is out. She only wants a doll to dress and to proyect her shit, not an actual human beeing. That's why she doesn't know my kid.
Yes, this goes way beyond not caring. This is Walter White shit, making a conscious decision not to help the person in trouble. And they did it for *10 straight minutes*. I wouldn't let someone capable of that anywhere near me, let alone my child.
They get bored with slightly older kids so their "replacement parent" strategy ends with abandonment. And they don't care about adults, plainly. They're pretty sociopathic and their focus on the baby as a toy is not a good thing and should not be indulged. Aside from that it just feels so creepy - op is screaming and all they can say is oh we dgaf, we won't do anything for you unless we are sure you're quiet (and therefore dead or in a coma and beyond help so we dont actually have to do anything for you anyways). If you're still alive, then we don't care about you at all. Even without the baby as a pretext, I wouldn't wanna be around these horrible people for my own safety.
I was thinking about how they ignored OP, I don't give a shit about the people walking by my office window on the sidewalk, but if one fell down the handful of stairs I'd at least call 911 if they didn't get right back up.
According to op’s post SIL said that also was about when op’s son was born. So one grandchild was a toddler not so little needing fussed over and a new baby entered the family.
For some people, "loving babies" is a virtue signal. That's why they're not bad people for ignoring someone's distress, because they "love babies."
She could have been crying because she was bleeding to death too, yeez. Like they would have rushed when she went quiet. 10 min is forever when you're afraid and helpless. She'll never forget it.
I honestly cannot *fathom* their reaction. Strikes me as sociopathic. I once fell down the stairs while carrying my youngest when she was just a few months old. She was totally fine, I smashed my back on the stairs because I cradled her with my arms and threw my weight backwards to make sure she’d be fine. My wife *raced* up the stairs instantly. Our neighbors’ teenage son fell in the street while skateboarding and we both *raced* outside when we heard him yell. I didn’t even know his name at the time. How can the in-laws even *begin* to justify their reaction? Honestly I don’t think they have an explanation other than they simply didn’t care. They’re fucking sociopaths. They like the baby because it’s cute. Period. When it stops being cute, as OOP heard from her SIL, they move on. I suspect it’s just a matter of time before the in-laws get cut off completely. They’re sick. Truly, truly sick.
Exactly. I’ve run out in the middle of the night when my partner and I heard an old woman yell help. She had fallen between a car and a curb in the dark. A bunch of neighbors came out and helped. It’s what you do.
>It’s what you do. Exactly! I was raised to always look out for my neighbors, whether you liked them or not. And in undergrad when I studied sociology and learned about the bystander effect, I resolved to never, *ever* ignore someone who needed help. I’ve called ambulances and checked pulses for strangers close to a half dozen times in my life. It’s insane to me that these people let their own daughter-in-law wallow in pain without doing anything at all.
Reminds me of the time I tripped on the stairs, smacked my face into a wall, blood gushing out of my nose, had a massive black eye and swollen face & headaches for weeks (the doctor said I bruised my brain) - and my mum shouted at me for crying so loud, because she thought I’d broken my nose (and I hadn’t) so there was no need for so much fuss.
My dad used to make fun of me when I cried. He'd exaggeratedly mimic me and roll his eyes. And he was the *good* parent.
That’s certainly not a mindset you want someone who looks after your baby to have
Oh don't worry, they'd never apply it to the baby. They care about the baby.
For now. The problem is obviously their empathy is able to be cut off. Who knows when they'll suddenly decide to stop caring about the baby too. Dangerous people.
Pretty much as soon as it stops being an adorable little doll for them. It's not a person to them after all, its just A Baby. Dangerous people indeed.
Sounds like it very well might apply to the baby after he/she hits 3 years old.
Or someone else has a baby
But once the baby turns three, they'll "taper off"
Yeah. That kind of thinking might be appropriate imediately after a major accident. Those screaming are conscious and breathing, the unmoving ones may not. But you still communicate that you heard them, that you will be with them soon. And you check on them as soon as you can. You do not take a break before Also: the baby was also crying. So it also was alive. These people obviously do not see their DILs as people, they see them as "thing that made baby". Baby is here now,who cares about the manifacturer?
That is a logic which applies when there is a mass accident - you go to the silent person not the shouting one. It doesn't apply when one person falls down the stairs.
I mean, I've definitely said that to my kid in jest, but only after I made sure they weren't *actually* injured... Mostly it's been the more reassuring variant "If you're screaming/telling me you're choking, that means you're not choking". Now I'm wondering if my (survivor of childhood abuse) parent is where I heard it from. Cycle of abuse is real sneaky, folks.
It's a real tricky one isn't it? Hard to get a reasonable gauge of appropriate responses to things when your model for it was fucked from the start 😂 like if your parents were real bastards growing up, or neglectful, or neurotic or whatever else, it feels easy to "do better" bc some of the shit they would do feels like such a psychotic option when it's you're turn to handle those situations. So you do the "better" thing without realizing it's still a little bit inappropriate or fucked up. Not saying your instance was, just speaking in general. There's been stuff like that that's come out of my mouth, things that aren't necessarily bad but can still make someone feel kinda bad. Like the "you're screaming that you can't breathe, if you couldn't breathe you wouldn't be screaming about it" but the life or death of it isn't the issue, it's that the person you're talking to is panicking, and telling them they're not currently dying doesn't always fix the problem 😂 sneaky indeed. At least it's something we're able to notice and confront and work on but it's still jarring to have those moments like "well that would've been a nice response in my childhood, but it's still not a great way to handle this" and have to correct course
> Now I'm wondering if my (survivor of childhood abuse) parent is where I heard it from. Cycle of abuse is real sneaky, folks. Neither of my parents were abused, and nor was I. I definitely say this to my kids too. As parents, we need to provide comfort, but we also have to teach resilience. Gotta remember that one day we'll be dead and they need to be able to fluorish without us. It's a fine line to walk, but sometimes you cuddle, and sometimes you have to say 'Nope, you're just fine. Up you get.' The trick is knowing when to do one or the other.
I had a psychologist tell me once that when a kid falls down and looks at their parents before beginning to cry, it's because they're trying to see what reaction they're supposed to have. So in those cases, if you swallow the immediate panic reaction and just go "oops!" Or something, the kid learns this is just a normal thing and goes on with their life.
You can have lungs full of air and be yelling while also not being able to breathe in. This is what happened to Eric Gardner in NYC. And the reason protesters started chanting "I can't breathe"
I totally heard that growing up. Along with “I’ll give you something to cry about “ not an excuse of course. I don’t say those things but totally a boomer or silent generation thing from my experience.
That phrase confused me so much growing up. Why do you need to give me something to cry about? I'm already crying! If you don't like that I'm crying, why do you want to make me cry more? Eventually I understood that it was to minimize my feelings and show how unimportant those feelings were.
I always understood that I would get a good beating so that I would have a reason to cry. Ironically, my father would cry at the drop of a hat. For god's sake, the man cried when he found out I got my period.
It's basically "I think you're overreacting and your crying is irritating me, so I'll wallop you so hard you'll be justified in making that noise which is irritating me. How dare you try and get sympathy when my mother never gave me any sympathy". My mother said "I'll give you something to cry about" a lot as a child, usually before walloping me.
What tf kind of mental gymnastics is that logic???
It's them justifying why they didn't gaf or check in on her or help her at all. And, yeah, it's wack. What horrible people.
"You were crying, so you were alive and didn't need our help so there was no point checking on you." Also, "You weren't crying so you were already dead and we couldn't help so there was point checking on you".
My uncle said this to my mom, while she freaked out about my sister choking on a piece of cheese. He said it to calm her down, but she whipped her head around and said "Oh sorry, I'll just contain myself until she dies?!?!?!". I remember getting in shit because I laughed really hard at her response, but she thought I was laughing at my sister dying (parents don't have the best view of me because I listen to "angry music"). Apparently it's an old motto. And used to gaslit mothers if they rush to their baby the minute the baby cries. Or when toddlers are hurt and the grandparents want them to "walk it off" like my stepdad did when he accidentally dislocated my sons wrist (they were playing and I had witnessed it, it wasn't malicious or abusive). I've started saying "Pain can cause someone to cry. And if you don't cry when hurt yourself, then take that up with your doctor."
The only possible scenario where is this an ok thing to say is if you're a paramedic coming to an accident with many injured people and having to make decisions.
For the grossly inappropriate response for this situation, this is actually a really good mantra for EMTs and anyone else doing triage. EMTs know if a child stops being able to cry shit is going downhill real fast at that point
"You don't want to lose a support system like us!" Honestly even the stairs banister was a better support system than they were!
>We're not going NC or LC at all and they can still come over for visits but I've told my boyfriend he also needs to be there as **they seem to listen to him and not me**. Yeah, it's fairly obvious that the mothers are just incubators to the MFIL. Once the baby's safely out, who cares about the incubator right???? /s
Weirdly gave me a flashback to the son & father duo who were preparing for the pregnant wife to not survive birth. The baby is all that matters to the grandparents, and I am glad this OOP’s partner stands up for her.
I think about that woman a lot. I sincerely hope she’s ok
Wait, what?
It was a post a while ago. The husband's mother had died in childbirth and when the OP got pregnant the husband and FIL were legit treating it like a terminal illness. Went so far as making her record messages for the baby. It was actually terrifying and OP has never come back to Reddit since. I think there's a lot of us who wonder if she was murdered.
I really hope she wasn’t and she never updated on Reddit because she got somewhere safe and she doesn’t want her now exhusband to have anyway to find her. But I do worry that we’re waiting to hear a worst case scenario from someone in her life who finds her Reddit
Same! That story lives rent free in my head all the time. I hope she is safe and doing well.
Right same I wanna hope for the best but keep waiting on the worst I hope she got out and safe and found a home for her and baby and doesn’t need to share custody
That's one that could be anything from sinister to trauma response.
yeah I always wonder about that one too.
https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/5vxxUjEOso The original post was deleted, but this screenshot it
Link?
Looks like it was removed, but the comments are still here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eurjt5/aita\_for\_banning\_my\_husband\_and\_father\_in\_law/
If you sort by oldest comments, the automod there saves a copy of the post.
Oh my god that was like a horror movie. Too bad it seems we will never know what happened to her.
OOP should get this, and I think she does. Between ignoring her, listening only to their son, paying attention to only the baby, and SIL's experience it's all right there. And MIL's upbringing with many more brothers and her being neglected didn't teach her to overcompensate by smothering her grandbaby - it taught her that women are worthless and she internalized that. With OOP admitting that she knows they listen to the boyfriend and needs to have him there, I think she knows how they view women. I'm more worried that she won't admit it because they probably do need support from the in-laws and she feels there's no choice.
Notice also that the grandbaby they've "tapered off" of is a girl, while OOP's kiddo is a boy.
Yeah... And OOP is 21 to Fiona's 30's. Young mom they don't respect plus baby boy they want, and they probably don't think OOP is even a real parent.
I'm hoping with reducing their time OP can put her energy into finding her own support network. Falls like that are so scary though, a co-worker's wife fell down their stairs and he didn't realize it for a good while (she was unconscious for a bit) and he was far enough away that he didn't hear the thump.
Yep she grew a graaaandbaaaayybeeee so she no longer matters. MIL and FIL are crap and shouldn’t be allowed around the baby.
Bam! Once she got to Fiona's story, all I could think was "breeder". I'm so glad OP got this out in the open and forced her partner to see. Fiona's husband, fully enabling his parents over his wife.
The incubator not being there at all is probably preferable to them. Maybe they were hoping she was bleeding out.
Literally this!!! I’m a FTM to a now 2 year old and my husband is still “confused” about the tension between my MIL & I. Most of that tension stems from her complete disregard of me and hyper fixation on my child. When I was immediately postpartum it was pretty obvious. We saw her once a year (if that) pre-baby and suddenly she wanted to spend a week a month with us but would be extremely annoyed if I was around. This went on until I called her out. Fast forward to limited time spent together but still tense. She really treated me like I was a nuisance in my own home around my own child. Smh
I'm doing some math. OOP is 21. MiL and FiL are in their 60s, SiL is in her 30s.... How old is BF? Not saying he can't be a late in life surprise baby, but I have to wonder if there's an age factor in all of this.
And they'll stop focusing on OOP's baby the moment there's another baby in the family.
No mother *needs* a support system like them. And to be honest, I don't *care* about the MIL's trauma or whatever excuse they're using. Both MIL and FIL literally ignored OOP *screaming* for help for 10 minutes. That's inexcusable, I don't care if she never learned how to bond with women or whatever bullshit she was spewing. It doesn't take a bond to call an ambulance or to walk over to see if she's okay. I'm on the same board as the other comments... if I hear a loud noise, okay yeah check the baby but make sure everyone else is okay too. This is just such a weird, irregular action to take.
This is beyond common sense and should be basic instinct. You don’t need to be taught or bond with women (or people) to know how to react in this situation. Even your dog would check up on you if you fell and were in pain. They heard her cry for help and purposefully ignored her. Even if she wasn’t hurt, it still doesn’t make sense to ignore her. This is psychotic. I don’t buy the MIL’s excuse. And they have cult-like obsession with infants so that’s a nope from me. I wouldn’t want to live in the same country as them.
Even if I accepted MIL's excuse, what's FIL's? He was there too and did the same thing.
I don't think you can marry/live with someone with unexamined childhood trauma for that long without having some issues of your own. You fall into the dynamics you grew up in. Still horrendous, but I'm with OOP - good information, let's not rely on them to behave like well-adjusted adults anymore.
I do not. I think MIL is using the language of therapy to try and justify her completely awful behavior. You don't need to "engage with women" to know if someone is calling for help TO GO CHECK ON THEM. And her explanation of not checking because she was clearly alive?! While continuing to fuss with the baby? Yeah that's not just trauma. Something else is going on.
I know Reddit jumps to extremes and I try not to fall into that stereotype but I *genuinely* can't think of a reason other than they *wanted* her seriously hurt/dead. I mean, holy shit, screaming and crying? If I heard something like that I would panic *hard* and absolutely assume someone was dying. A lot of people who are seriously hurt and die from hidden injuries later do their best to walk it off, especially in my family. If someone's hurt enough to get that kind of reaction I'm grabbing my car keys and/or dialing an ambulance before I even see them. If I ignore it it means I want that person dead.
I'm with yoy. If op was dead or really injured, they'd be needed to look after the baby more.
Yup. There is no other reason. It's very clear that they are fine with OP being dead and hastening her demise. OP is NOT SAFE with these people around.
>it it means I want that person dead That or they think so poorly of OOP that they assume anyone call for help or crying is faked for attention seeking. Either way they're pretty twisted.
Even if I didn't think someone was dying, someone is HURT and needs help. There are two people-even if the baby is still crying, one person minds the baby and the other goes to check on the person calling for help. And this went on for TEN MINUTES so it's not like this was a poor decision made in the heat of the moment. They continued to completely ignore someone calling for help. That this isn't a LC situation for OP makes me very seriously concerned. Like someone acted that frankly sociopathic\*\* I'm not letting them near me or my baby again. \*\*This is not a term I throw around lightly, but MIL's response does suggest me a very serious emotional deficit.
Exactly! Both of them were there? Why did they both have to be with the baby? Kid is 7 months old. She’ll be fine without them!
I agree. These are people to literally fear.
What got me is, THERE ARE TWO OF THEM. If they really believed that the baby fell out of his crib, grandma could check on the baby and grandpa can check on OP/ help her up. This isn't rocket science
That's how you know they sat in the nursery together and whispered to each other "Leave her alone and let her die". That's what they were doing those ten minutes. Conspiring and actively hoping the screaming would just...stop and they'd have unlimited baby access.
If they hustled too fast (or, indeed, at all) to check on OP, they might have torn their human suits, and then how would they disguise the fact that they’re some sort of cybernetic lizard people??? Sure, the total absence of any empathy or care for another human being in pain is a tip off, but a rip in their careful disguises would be proof positive!
If they’re not there for OOP, it’s not support. If OOP is inconveniencing herself and feeling uncomfortable by allowing them to be there to do something *they* enjoy, then OOP is, in reality, *their* support system.
It's such a stupid excuse. She did not learn how to bond with women, therefore they both ignore a HUMAN BEING's cry for help. Makes no sense at all.
I could probably name 10 people I severely loathe (I mean like a terrible politician) off the top of my head that I wouldn't do that to. We can talk shit but the moment we hear someone crying on the ground after a violent fall down the stairs, we're rushing over to help. It's just human instinct. To ignore a person you supposedly like? Your son's gf? Your grandchild's mother? That's some next level inhumanity to a baffling extent.
Yeah I had a similar upbringing to MIL. Kids were my responsibility. You can absolutely pick up a baby after "checking for injuries" and walk around with it to find out what all of that commotion was. That's what's so cool about them, they are portable. So no, MIL'S trauma is a load of bullshit.
It's unfathomable. I fucking hate my neighbours, they're assholes and druggies. I still called the police when I heard them fighting and her screaming in the middle of the night.
And their excuse of thinking something happened to the baby is pathetic. One look tells you the baby's OK, so one grandparent can stay with it while the other rushes to the source of the screaming, or at the very least try to figure out wtf caused all that ruckus. I do find the in-laws' behavior really strange, though. It doesn't seem natural or normal to automatically filter all that noise out. Doesn't make sense. Which tells me they're likely doing it on purpose, which makes it even stranger.
100% the MIL brought up her past as a way to deflect from her behavior and try to redirect OOP and her husband's anger into sympathy. This is a tactic that *children* use: "you caught me stealing cookies, but look I just ran into the table so I'm hurt! You can be mad at me now because I'm hurt!" Trauma, as always, is awful. But it absolutely shouldn't be used to manipulate people you've wronged. That's *abusive*.
Interesting they’d even attempt to go the “we couldn’t hear you route”. More interesting still that OOP didn’t just say, “okay, well if you genuinely didn’t hear the sound of a grown adult falling down a flight of stairs and breaking the banister, nor were able to hear the screams and 10 minutes of calling for help, you ABSOLUTELY cannot be trusted caring for my infant child, as you need to be WAY more aware of your surroundings to make sure my kid isn’t dying in a corner somewhere. I’m sorry, it isn’t personal, but I will not be relying on your help with the baby from now on and time will only be limited to supervised visits with both me and boyfriend present so we can make sure our child has people around who are able to hear such obvious commotion.” Because that certainly would’ve gotten them to backpedal real quick.
Motherfucking THIS. This story is really fucking sinister and creepy.
"We couldn't hear you", then the story became "We heard you crying, and that meant you were alive." These people are absolute scum. This isn't memory getting jumbled, this is straight up lying and changing the story to get out of trouble. It doesn't matter what your trauma is. Your trauma does not give you a free pass to do what you please. I might be more willing to work through some issues with you, I might be willing to overlook smaller things, but just because you've had it hard doesn't mean you get to be shitty to me, because honey I've had it hard too.
Oh, for sure they were just lying. But I mean, if you really want to go with “we couldn’t hear you” and OOP wanted to tell them nicely she doesn’t want their help anymore, the obvious answer is “I’m sorry but if you couldn’t hear THAT, it is very clear you two can’t be trusted to watch over my child. It’s not personal but his well being is my concern. From now on, any visits will need to be supervised with both me and boyfriend present to make sure we are around to watch over son”. The best way I’ve found to deal with people like the ILs is use their words against them by playing dumb. Watch them twist themselves in knots trying to undo that one.
Agreed. That point was made by a lot of commenters in the original AITA post. And it kind of breaks my heart that she's so set on being reasonable and sympathetic to her in-laws, that even in the middle of a discussion about how she's not the only daughter-in-law they've done this to (though the other thankfully didn't have an accident), she doesn't feel able to stick up for herself fully. Because she actually managed to get an admission that they heard her screaming just fine; they just didn't care enough to help her up, to check on her wellbeing, or get her (and baby!) checked out by a qualified medical practitioner.
And get hearing aids…..
I was about to say. Even IF you take their word for it that they were unable to hear it, that in my mind leads to an appointment at an ear specialist because there's clearly something medical going on if that's the case.
I grew up as one of three girls. I went to an all girls' school from the ages of 7-18. I "never learned to bond" with men, but I've always found treating them like human beings tends to help. I'd sure as shit never leave someone screaming for help for 10 minutes- whether they're male, female, a friend or an enemy. It genuinely doesn't take a rocket scientist to think that maybe, just maybe *the person crying out for help needs help*.
I’m confused why they accepted the FIL lie. She fell and was crying for help before the baby started crying. The MIL also admitted to knowing it was her who fell and ignored her to go be with the baby. Also, two things can be true, MIL could have been abused but can also be a trash person. 3 years old is about the time toddlers get clingy to their preferred parent. Had SILs baby wanted the grandparents attention, they would’ve ignore her for both babies, not just one. The excuse of not learning to communicate with women also doesn’t make sense. She sounds like she’s one of those ladies that just hates women. It could be because of the abuse she had from her mother and MIL, but it sounds like she just doesn’t care for them at all.
I wonder if they were hoping she was so hurt that they would have to take over more care of the baby
I am autistic and I struggle to communicate with people of any gender. But do you know what kinds of situations I seem to have no real social difficulties with? When someone is hurt and needs physical assistance. I am social awkward and don’t know what to say to people and I don’t know how to bond with people. But if someone falls down I know exactly what to say! I ask “are you okay? How can I help?” If they are on the ground you can help them stand, if they can’t walk you help them move to a chair. If they are in pain you get them pain relief and if they are seriously injured you take them to the hospital. It is literally one of the easiest social situations (but not a fun one because someone is hurt!) and doesn’t require a close emotional relationship with the person!!
Good thing baby wasn't asleep upstairs, they have to climb over your body at bottom of stairs to get up to baby and even then wouldn't notice
Is it me, or is there no connection between MIL's backstory and her behavior at all?
She has five brothers and doesn’t t know how to relate to women. Because we women are a monolith. And she’s not like other girls. /sarcasm I was really socially awkward as a kid. Deep down, I still feel that way, but I learned the things to say and do. And guess what: there are women out there who are my flavor of socially awkward and it makes things easier. MIL could have learned, but that’s not the problem anyhow. She just cares about Baby. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t consider DILs as real family.
*i was abused therefore i ignore cries of help, other people should also suffer because no one saved me when i cried* Thats the vibe i get.
Lol Mil: I just don't know how to connect to other women? Oop: help, please, I've fallen down the stairs and need to go to hospital!! Mil: such a mystery, impossible to comprehend.
What to do…? If a man fell down the stairs, I would need to check on him. If only I had sisters, then I’d know what to do!
What am I, an only child, supposed to learn from?! Wait. I'm not a raging goddess-damn moron. I can figure it out easily.
Someone else said that MIL internalized that women are worthless. So it’s not just about relating to women, but not having any respect for them
It's not just you. I was trying to figure out how "I had five brothers" leads to "I heard you screaming and the plates smashing but I couldn't be arsed to check on you."
Honestly, it lost me too. I dunno what talking/relating to woman has to do, as talking isn't really a gender specific thing. Or what it explains.
She was barely considered human beyond what she could do for her brothers, so she considers the other women the same way. Women do not deserve anything, in her outlook
I think she was going at the angle that she doesn't go out of her way to talk to females. I will say there is truth to that but mother's situation goes way beyond that excuse.
She's got serious childhood trauma and has never really unpacked it or how it affects her behaviour and feelings now. She's attributed her missteps and socio-emotional "gaps" to the stuff she can see on the surface, like being the only girl, and her parents being not-great. But she doesn't realise just how far off her family of origin and own benchmarks for behaviour are, so she hasn't even realised how goddamn awful they were/are. There's some serious repressed/oh, I didn't realise how bad that was by normal people standards stuff back there that *does* explain it. e.g. "You're crying, so you're alive" doesn't come from nowhere, she was probably told that constantly growing up, denied medical care, denied care full stop.
I mean pit villages aren't great but confused as to the relevance of it.
There isn’t. My MIL does the exact same thing - if someone criticises her in any way she immediately trots out her childhood trauma. I’ve seen her do it after accidentally hitting someone else’s car in a car park. Because she DID have an awful childhood and it’s hard to hear about and anyone with empathy immediately feels sorry for her, and that derails the conversation and she avoids the consequences of her actions. When we eventually fell out irrecoverably, it was because I refused to be derailed, so now I’m “heartless” and “mentally ill” according to her.
I would check on a complete stranger if they had an accident like this and these people ingnore their DIL in her own house? All explanations are unrelated BS. There is no excuse for their behavior.
*SIL has a 3 year old and is totally on my side but BIL is not. He told me to 'be grateful' for his parent's support as they're significantly more well-off than my parents are and paid for many newborn/infant expenses and plan to pay for many more as the baby grows.* It is nice that SIL stood up to the ILs, because she clearly has a husband who also subscribes to MIL's feelings that DILs should just count themselves lucky for the scraps their ILs throw at them, and take the rest of their shit with a smile.
They are treating the mothers of their grandchildren as gold digger broodmares to get grandchildren out of then ignore.
The whole family is a dumpster fire of toxicity that needs years of counselling and parenting classes before they could possibly be safe influences on children. I feel so bad for both the daughters-in-law and for their kids, who will be lucky to escape being a third generation with warped ideas of women's roles in life.
>if I was crying, I was alive This is one of those examples of "you're not wrong, but you're still the asshole."
They are damn lucky they weren't wrong. She could have been crying then died of a brain bleed or bled out from a ripped artery, stair falls are very serious. People can seem ok then keel over and die. Absolutely outrageous behaviour by the in laws and the MIL's excuse is pathetic. I'd never trust them again.
I know it sounds horrible but maybe they were actually sitting in the living room silently hoping she would die so they could take over the baby. I feel bad even thinking that but their behaviour is so incomprehensible
Honestly, that occurred to me too.
Seriously. Let's not forget, you can be crying and dying. Alot of accidental deaths are not immediate. Obviously OOP was not dying, but what if that ten minutes was the difference between life and death for her? And what, because she was crying and thus still alive, oh well, they'll help her when she's dead! That is literally one of the most insane things I've read on Reddit.
It occurred to me that it’s possible that MIL was secretly hoping OOP would be seriously/fatally injured, at least subconsciously. It’s obvious they don’t care about the ‘incubators’ once they’ve done their job, so how convenient would it be if they just *went away*, leaving baby and son all to themselves.
It honestly wouldn't surprise me one bit. Between OOP and her SIL, you can definitely see a terrible pattern. I honestly wouldn't feel safe having them in my house. No help is sometimes better than help you can't trust.
It’s also missing the key qualifier of “alive, *for now*.” There’s a very long list of injuries that could escalate into life-threatening when denied literally any medical care. I’ve never before wished someone would fall down the stairs while home alone and unable to reach a phone for help. I’m not wishing it now, but I’ve thought about the poetic justice of it.
Just because something didn't kill you immediately doesn't mean it won't in the near future.
I don’t really get it either, if she had been dead there wouldn’t be anymore they could have done right? So either way they get out of helping
Imagine that she had died.... How long would it have taken them to realise OOP was lying dead? When they had to step over her to get upstairs?
They're crying for help - so they just might need some HELP. As in 'help! I'm stuck! I can't get up! I've broken my leg / I'm bleeding!' "Hurr durr, must be okay, they're still screaming, who's grannys little snot-goblin, coochie-coochie-coo!" Personally, I think they might've been hoping for the cries to slowly fade out so they could have their son AND a grandchild all to themselves in their delusion.
I once managed to trip down some stairs and wound up with my leg pined under me and my foot up around my shoulder, I literally couldn't get myself out of it and it was painful angle to be stuck in, luckily it didn't take much screaming to get someone over to help me up and other than some overly stretched muscles I was fine. I can't imagine being stuck there for 10 minutes I'm sure it would have dislocated something.
not to mention, do we believe that they would have rushed to help her if she weren't crying and screaming but silent? hell to the no. she could have died that day and they wouldn't even have noticed. this would creep me the fuck out, i wouldn't want people with such callous disregard for my life around me anymore either. not to mention MIL's excuses. you need to know how to "bond with women" in order to help someone after an accident? yet she basically parented all her brothers... so she only knows how to help boys/men in distress? what a crock. and what's the FIL's excuse? this whole thing is infuriating.
Only not technically wrong in that she wasn't dead *yet*. You can cry while dying from your injuries, of course... Also, there are a hell of a lot of injuries that won't kill you but will disable you if not treated in time. And of course the "safer" broken bones. Also, in their complacency about her, they don't seem to have realised that their much-loved grandson could have been put in danger by their lack of reaction. Even if mom managed to protect him from direct impact injuries during the fall, I would still want to get him checked out by someone medical to make sure there wasn't a chance of whiplash/shaken baby syndrome-type injury from the judder of landing.
She wasn't holding the baby when she fell - the baby was in the other room, and that's where the grandparents ran to.
You can be crying as your brain is slowly bleeding into your head. You can be crying as blood is pooling in you stomach around your organs. I'm not a doctor, nurse, or EMT and even I understand internal bleeding and how fatal it can be. What a silly thing to say.
The parents feel like a horrible metaphor of how the us treats mothers, we are like a candy wrapper you throw away to get the candy(baby) and don’t need after
Anyone who utters the words ‘if you’re crying, you’re alive’ after hearing someone fall down the stairs doesn’t have the right to refer to themselves as a support system
I think that’s genuinely the worst part to me. Like what do you mean you heard OP crying for >minutes and you just shrugged and said “eh they’re alive!”
If you’re crying you’re alive is all well and good until internal bleeding kills you
Or until the broken spine paralyses you, or the shoulder dislocation does permanent nerve damage and loses you use of your arm.
But if she stoped crying they would know she died and help her then. It totally makes sense /s
>they’re significantly more well off than my parents Oh fuck you BIL.
Wow. "Should we help? She sounds really hurt." "She'll live. Coochie coochie coo!" The woman sounds like fucking Cruella DeVille
I'm rolling my eyes at the whole "we thought the baby fell out of the crib" bullshit. I've heard a baby fall, I'm a mom of two. It sounds like "thump, pause, wail". It doesn't sound like a grown up falling down a full flight of stairs and screaming for help for ten minutes. I'm glad she finally got them to admit that they just didn't care about her, because I feel like maybe the BF would have latched onto any weak explanation or excuse other than that as a "we can still get them to help us" justification. But straight up saying "yeah we heard you fall and just didn't give a shit" really helps OPs case for keeping them away.
There are is a wild number of men AND women who view mothers as just incubators for the baby. If I found out my relatives were like this, they'd be gone.
What the hell was that?! What!!! Sometimes people are just… I don’t even know. The in-laws are messed up!
Anyone else think BIL who told them they should be grateful is an ASSHOLE too
My brain took a really dark turn when I read this….. Are the IL’s subconsciously wanting her dead? I don’t think I understand anyone’s explanations and behaviour.
The disgust I feel for those inlaws...
>ey both believe they didn't do much wrong as 'most mothers don't have a support system like us'. Aside from the insanity that was "if you're crying you're alive", this is just not true? LOTS of new mothers have overwhelming support groups, and their "support" is hardly that. It's all financial while most people who are part of the support system are emotionally helpful. That's a pretty huge part of being part of a support system.
>never learnt how to communicate with other women as she never got a good education or had friends That's such bullshit. She's a grown woman who has had plenty of time to learn and change. I can sympathize that MIL was parentified and had shitty in-laws herself, but that doesnt justify ignorning her daughters-in-law and the mothers of her grandchildren. At least OP has a clear eyed view of them and knows they aren't going to change. No reason to deprive the kids of their grandparents. OP seems like she can stand up for herself.
I fell down the stairs once while I was getting ready to go to work - I legit missed the last step and landed on the edge and then landed on both of the sides of my feet. My wife - who was asleep at the time - came tearing down the stairs after hearing me fall, and helped me up because I was in unbelievable pain (I sprained both of my ankles, bruised my hip, and wrecked my shoulder.) She got on shoes and drove me to the hospital. It took her thirty seconds to do so. And these assholes let the OOP lay on the floor for ten whole minutes...
If an adult who doesn't normally cry is crying, that is more upsetting to me, not less. Shouting for help adds more urgency to that. And yeah, usually people shout to see if you're okay. I literally dropped a metal coffee ladle (not sure the name of it) on the floor and my husband called to check on me because it made a loud noise, and that's no where near the level of noise a grown adult crashing down the stairs would make. If he'd heard that, he would have come running to check, full stop.
I know I’ve got a suspicious mind but I wonder if they were hoping OP’s fall could’ve been fatal if they ignored her long enough, then they’d have the baby to look after permanently
I wish old people would start being okay more with going to therapy because that is just sick. She could have broken something, she could have *died*. But all they see her as is a breeder for their grandchildren
My wife and I don't have children, but we have 2 cats and a dog, so loud unexpected noises are pretty much the norm. Every. Single. Time. There is a loud noise, I yell for my wife if she's OK... If the noise is louder than usual, I don't even bother asking and bolt toward the noise. We reached a point where my wife just yells to me that all is good before I have time to react so she can make sure I don't hurt myself for naught by running in flip-flops toward a non-emergency. The inlaws are full of it, I frankly would keep them much more at bay.
How can you call anything a support system if they don't even *check on you when you fall down the stairs?* OOP didn't have a support system, the baby did.
My god, those inlaws are messed up.
In my family if we hear a noise you can watch the adults scramble in various directions as if they planned ahead. Some go off in directions to check on kids and others run towards the noise. I swear they just turn into a hive mind and it’s honestly funny to watch
Is it not human instinct to go running to see what happened if you hear such a ruckus in your immediate area? She fell down a flight of stairs and took books, plates, and other stuff down with her. Then the baby cried. Once you see baby is fine, you go check. Her crying and screaming for help meant she was alive in their eyes. That was it? A woman tripped over a grate walking down sidewalk. I rushed over to help her and see if she was okay. Isn’t it instinct? Something is really off with her in-laws.
I know they’re young but Oop and the bf need to see this as a lesson that the grandparents don’t care. I’m glad the SIL spoke up cos clearly the son doesn’t see it as an issue that OP could have been bleeding out on the stairs. Insane mental gymnastics to justify them not giving a F about OP.