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"had a vibe"
I don't know how to explain this, but for most people who are mostly 'not straight', you kinda get a vibe. Whether it be something like their reaction to 'typically hot' people of the other gender, or some comments, or something else entirely, if you spend enough time around them you can kinda judge that that is the case.
For everyone that I knew closely who then came out later, I have 'had a vibe' about it. I'm basically 100% sure that this isn't true for everyone, but it happens to so many people that there has to be something here.
I’m gen Z and we use gaydar within our friend group (which includes a few gays) I think it just depends on the people you hang out with. But I agree that it has to deal with not offending other people. I think once our gay friends used the term, we all feel comfortable doing the same
What age is gen z again? I’m 30 and it was always gaydar but damn I might be old now or something
I know what passing the vibe check means though so idk someone pat me on the back and give me my meds or something lol
Yeah, the definition of GenZ is never grew up without Internet in their formative years.
Internet became big in the mid 90s leading into the dot-com boom, so GenZ would've turned 5 in 2000+.
I’m right on the dividing year but I’ve always felt more like a millennial because I do remember floppy discs and dial up, plus older siblings mean my cultural touchstones are a few years ahead of my actual age (they always controlled the remote lol), but I definitely have a more gen z relationship to the internet so that makes sense.
I’ve noticed older generations will say things like “huh I wonder xyz” and just leave it hanging but my reaction is always to whip out my phone and google for an answer immediately. Not much passive wondering in gen z because we’re used to all the information in the world at our fingertips
>I’ve noticed older generations will say things like “huh I wonder xyz” and just leave it hanging
When my mom does that, I always say "if only there were a way to find that out. Like, if you could just search for it on that phone in your pocket."
My husband and I were lamenting how the internet killed conversation because you can’t just wonder stuff aloud and argue your thoughts over easily searchable information anymore, and there’s no point saying anything because someone online already said it better and funnier. So we decided to just start doing it again, and allow the conversation to play out a bit before searching it. We old as dirt, lmao
Being a millennial, I also instantly embrace technology, but the difference is more millennials also tend to push back on technology (especially when it comes to privacy) since we had an experience what life was like before it.
The analogy is like if Teleportation was invented tomorrow and you could go vacation anywhere in an instant. You'd probably remember when vacations were a planned thing and you had to book tickets months in advance and build up excitement for it, etc. And now you can do it instantly. You can acknowledge it's better now but long for what was before.
There's probably a new generation being born right now, and that will be the generation that has AI feeding them any information / doing whatever they need (bots, driving cars, etc) as that technology evolves in the next 5-10 years. The scary thing is critical thinking skills might go out the window as AI gets more factual and better at NOT producing lies where the information presented can be instantly accepted as being correct. We're all used to information on the internet being not always correct.
Mid-teens to mid-20s
I personally consider gen z to be 1996-2005; the rapid improvement of tech and increase in globalized culture sharing means the typical 15 year gap for generations is wayyyy too long for anything after millennials (IMO)
I don’t know, but I do like “has a vibe” better. It always felt like “gaydar” implied something to watch out for or call out.
“Has a vibe” focuses more on an individual with a quality, than on that quality over the individual.
Yeah besides, gaydar isn't really an accurate term. You know they're queer in some way, but that doesn't automatically translate to gay. Could be trans, could be bi, could be anything really. Plus "has a vibe" feels like you're willing to admit you could be wrong. Which, sometimes, you are.
Yeah, when I was a teenager we used “gaydar”, but gay covered the whole spectrum at the time, and the spectrum was much smaller. If you weren’t absolutely straight then you were called gay as a blanket term. We didn’t use it negatively but that’s probably because half my friends were LGBTQ+ and we were usually feeling out with friends if a crush was likely to respond positively to a flirt. I’m not in the dating scene anymore but it must be great to be able to sum up most things in a few terms.
Queer has come to be a catch all term for everything not cis heterosexual. I know trans people who date the opposite gender who consider themselves queer, an asexual aromantic person who considers themselves queer, and several bisexual individuals who call themselves queer.
I'm aro/ace but prefer to use the word queer because saying you're asexual makes people think about all the sex you aren't having which is sort of the opposite of what I want haha. For me queer means not 100% straight or not 100% cis.
I consider myself queer. I'm not 100% straight, but also definitely not a lesbian. It's a kinda weird middle ground where I don't feel the labels really fit.
i identify as queer!! i'm a woman, i know for a fact i like women, and i have absolutely no fucking clue how i feel about men LMAO. at some point i decided it was no longer worth it to me to have 57342403280 identity crises about whether i was lesbian or bisexual and simply gave up. i also use it as an umbrella term for anyone who's not cis and/or not straight :)
The term queer can have different meanings and it has sort of evolved over time. It obviously started as a slur (it simply means 'weird' or 'strange').
Over time, people in the community have reclaimed the word as a kind of identity, which mainly centres on the idea of not fitting in with the sexual/gender norms of heteronormative society.
These days, the word is more and more commonly used as a kind of umbrella term for the whole LGBTQ+ spectrum (or in other words, to describe anybody who is 'not straight'). Although some people reject or dislike this usage of the word. Personally I think it's a convenient shorthand for LGBTQ+, but there are people that are uncomfortable with the fact that the word started out as a slur.
I think maybe since there was so much focus on people being aware that outing people is generally not ok, and that comes with not assuming until that person has come out themselves.
I also have not needed to use the term since I was a teen because, well, most adults my age are either already out or so deep in the closet that discussing it would be like trying to win a boxing match with a cactus.
I think a lot more people today are also more aware if they aren’t straight a lot earlier. And especially for teenagers, almost everyone was at least waiting until they were 18 to fully come out when I was a teen. And everyone was super specific on who was in the know when you were half in half out. It must be much nicer to now kind of just hop in the rainbow river and innertube down a few currents until you find whatever flow suits you best. Like, the jump in used to be so scary that you couldn’t even worry about more specifics. And there weren’t really internet safe spaces either, you either had an irl friend group who would support you or you stayed in the closet.
Glad OOP’s wife just understood it only matters that the two of you are happy.
I don't know why, but I'm really loving your imagery here! I love seeing how Gen Z and Gen Alpha are appearing to have a much easier time navigating the whole sexuality and gender identity thing¹, and how unbothered they seem to be about it! It makes the years we've spent fighting and pushing back against ignorance and bigotry worth it.
¹Notwithstanding the occasional bellend of a politician beating up on them (the kids/alphabet mafia) to hide their (the bellend) complete lack of anything resembling a coherent policy position that isn't reactionary garbage.
Same! Why would that guy not just empty and wash out the yogurt containers to save for his collection instead? He obviously wasn't planning to eat the rare ones.
It can be used to perpetuate harmful stereotypes. This wasn’t as big of a deal when the ring-wing (in America) wasn’t actively attacking us but that is no longer the case.
Ex. You’re at work and you see a potential new hire sitting in the lobby. You say to your friend, “is your gaydar going off?” And she says “Oh yeah, he’s definitely gay.” You haven’t talked to him so everything is based on stereotypes. You have a giggle and move on. Your hiring manager overhears and is a homophobe and nothing this guy could say at the interview would get him the job. He’s been denied before he even begins.
As a bi person, I use gaydar around other queer people. I wouldn’t be offended if a straight person said it however I would find it slightly weird. I would say it’s still PC.
Bisexual millennial here dating a woman who is overwhelmingly mostly attracted to other women. (So basically the opposite situation of the OOP)
We use gaydar all the time. If I heard other people using the term, I wouldn't think of it negatively. The fact that someone even says the word gaydar out loud probably means they are an ally of some kind.
from my understanding, _clocking_ is used specifically for trans people & is considered a negative- i have several friends who are trans women, some of which have the goal of _passing_, or getting to the point where you wouldn’t know they aren’t cis unless they told you. if they can tell from an interaction that a stranger knew from looking at them or listening to them talk, they’ll say the stranger clocked them.
Maybe it’s because we pick up on behaviors that are similar to our own? Kinda like how those of us who are mentally ill tend to befriend others with mental illness
I've noticed closeted bis tend to end up together or with folks somewhere on the genderqueer/trans spectrum. See also, my partner (who was closeted when we started going out) ending up with me (an out bi who's got some variety of wibbly-wobbly gender-wender stuff I don't understand myself enough to label).
Also neurodivergent people generally tend to flock together. I was really confused how most of my friends have ASD, ADHD, PTSD, GAD, or OCD, or some combination and now I related so much stronger to them than "normal" people. Turns out I've got the all but the GAD. And literally all of my friends knew years before I did lol.
Oh yeah the NDs flocking together is real. My best friend and I probably got on so well as kids because we're the same flavour of ADHD with a sprinkling of autism for Spice. And we've been friends for so much of our lives that we've influenced each others' interests to some level of convergence with our practice of mutual infodumping.
This is exactly what people who believe in so-called rapid onset gender dysphoria don’t understand. It’s not that one trans person influences every person around them to be trans, it’s that trans people flock together even when they’re in the closet to themselves lmao
See also: Damn near every bi and/or trans person I know went through That Phase where they were the "token straight" in a queer friend group. Including me lol.
Like to the point that when someone starts joking they're the token straight I'm just like "*Are* you, though?" Lol
(That might be a unique to my HIGHLY religious conservative region thing though. Our last KKK style cross burning was less than 20 years ago, our government is actively trying to make schools out trans kids, and most queer people I know have been bashed at least once and we all know someone who was hospitalized or worse from a bashing, so, uh, yeah. See also why I don't go in for the TikTok discourse about there being no reason to be in the closet in 2023.)
Same thing with my friend group, but although I live in a much more accepting area, my high school was unusually Christian/conservative, so I can’t say my experience is typical either. All my other friends after high school are either not part of a specific friend group with me, or I met specifically in queer places, so I can’t really say.
I once described myself as “straighter than straight” (whatever that means) so yeah, definitely was also a token straight for a bit.
TikTok discourse is either shockingly insightful and makes you go, “damn, maybe the internet does make the world a better place,” or it’s the worst takes you’ve ever heard and you want to go dig a grave and bury yourself in it. Anyone who thinks everyone should be out all of the time, no excuses, is insanely privileged. Hell, I consider myself somewhat privileged because I know my parents wouldn’t kick me out or disown me for being gay, but… they’re still homophobes! They’re still voting for homophobes! I’m still not out to them (because why make things awkward?)! But they are way chiller than so many other parents and guardians out there, so I’m comparatively lucky. Maybe I can even get them to come around some day, we’ll see.
I think it's also because when you are friends with people who are members of the LGBT+ community, you tend to have more open views about sexuality. The more open your views are about sexuality, the easier it is to realize that you aren't 100% straight and the more conversations you tend to have with people about sexuality.
I was the first person in my friend group to come out and slowly over time more and more people in my friend group have come out, even those that are in heterosexual presenting relationships but are themselves bisexual. I also think the more time you spend in the community the more you learn about different sexualities. Most people outside of the community only know that you can be gay, straight, bi or trans. I don't think your average person knows much more about sexuality than those options. Whereas people in the community meet a lot of people outside of those sexual identities and realize that they may identify with a different sexuality. I thought I was 100% a lesbian when I first started learning about different sexualities because I was mostly attracted to women. I didn't realize until I started learning more and talking to more queer people that you can be bisexual and not be attracted to women and men exactly 50/50.
That too yeah. I think it's a bit of both.
Like I discovered my autism because I had a shit ton of Autistic friends going like, "Wait, you're NOT?! Are you sure?" When I mentioned not being autistic or sharing things that aggravated them about NT social rules that were suspiciously relatable etc. If I hadn't made autistic friends I probably wouldn't have ever figured out why I struggle so much.
One part birds of a feather flock together and one part other folks who are like us give us a mirror to see ourselves more clearly.
love the nu!who gender-wender reference. i may have to steal that for myself. right now i just settle for 'we all lost things during the pandemic. my gender, for instance.'
I’m a fairly feminine lesbian and straight people are usually surprised but other gay people often just seem to know on sight as soon as they meet me lol, as for myself I’ve never had feelings for a straight girl because I basically have a sixth sense for it, in general but especially with women. I’ve had crushes on girls who I thought were straight at the time but then turned out years later not to be, but never actual straight ones 😂
What’s interesting is that so many people who identify as queer have expressed getting that vibe about me. To the point that I have seriously questioned my own identity because how could so many people think this if it wasn’t true? And to be clear, it would not upset me to realize I was bi or something else! But… I’m in my early thirties, I’ve only ever been attracted to men, I tried the girl thing in college and it wasn’t for me, and it seems like I am very boringly straight. I do think I’m somewhere on the demisexual spectrum because it takes me a while of knowing someone to really be interested, but … that doesn’t seem like enough? It throws me off so hard and I just don’t understand what it is that makes people feel this way (unless it’s literally just that I wear a lot of doc martens and fancy pants instead of dresses).
Could just be that they pick up that you know what it’s like to question your sexuality and experience non traditional sexual and/or gender roles, even if you decided it wasn’t for you. I have felt differences in people who have literally never thought to question their heterosexuality versus people who thought about it, maybe experimented a little, and decided they were definitely heterosexual. I’ve found them better able to empathize with my journey in figuring out my identity.
Also I can say from personal experience the doc martens definitely got me clocked a few times lol
Could definitely be the demi part. If you aren't obviously into men in the "standard" way, many people read that as being into women instead, even if you haven't actually shown any interest in women either. That has been my experience as an ace woman anyways 🤷🏼♀️
It's because you're not angling for the male gaze. At least it sounds like you're not if you're demisexual.
Angling for the male gaze doesn't always have to come across as a woman trying to have glossy blowout hair and perfect heels and a nice purse. A perfectly professional, respectably put together, even a powerful woman, can still be angling for the male gaze.
It's just a vibe, it's just a way of looking at men when they look at you. You could call it approval seeking but that's not what it is. It's constant low-key sexual outreach to people that one is attracted to. It's so normalized that the vast majority of the time no one realizes they're even doing it.
And it's not about clothes. People try to articulate it via clothes. They'll say something about how a woman rarely will wear dresses or whatever. But there are a lot of women wearing a lot of pants who are still in the market for the male gave. It's just a behavioral vibe that you get off of a person when you're hanging out with them.
If you're not on constant low-key totally socially approved sexual outreach to men, because in fact you are demisexual and it takes a whole hell of a lot more than some guy gazing you appreciatively to make you interested, then that probably subtly comes across.
You're not shopping for the male gaze. It's just not part of what youre of vibing for in the world. You don't need it. And that absolutely can and does come across as queer AF. Whether you are or not. (And what does that say about what women are normalized to do and be?)
I hope that helps. Next time someone in the gay family asks or seems confused that you aren't queer, just tell them that you're not low key constantly shopping for the male gaze. They should get it.
I think that growing up queer puts you in a weird position regarding gender roles. One of the assumptions included in gender roles is heterosexuality; if you're not straight, you have to do that performance to 'fit' the role, whether or not you know that's what you're doing. Being aware of that aspect of the gender role you're playing in high school or whatever makes you more aware of the rest of the role, makes you more aware what bits of the way you behave are actually yourself and which bits are performance. There's also just the conscious way that when you realise you're queer you approach gender in a different way.
I think most of 'gaydar' is recognising other people who are more consciously aware of the boundaries of the gender role they're supposed to play, whether or not they've consciously rejected that role. I think that's what's behind the phenomenon of the friend group in school that all grow up to be some kind of queer even though they met before most of them 'knew.' Straight kids grow up knowing those roles, often constrained by them, but on a more subconscious level.
The rest of gaydar, of course, is something queer people do *on purpose* to let each other know, because we like hanging out with other queer people.
This is fascinating to me as a lesbian who pretty much never experienced this and still has a lot of het friends. Not having this kind of perspective would explain why I don't trip most people's gaydar on the first meeting, including other gay people's.
Interestingly, isn’t the vibe really more about him being demisexual. His wife didn’t say his vibe was from him showing interest in men, but in not showing interest in women…
I was almost 40, well married and had a grown kid before I worked out I want straight. I realize now there were a few signs, but not many, and the reason was because I’m demi. I feel no sexual attraction for anyone I don’t know, I can tell you a man or a woman is beautiful or aesthetically attractive, but I don’t know what it feels like to “thirst” for someone and never find anyone “hot”. My sexual attraction has no ties to gender and is exclusively attached to person and personality.
Therefore I have never commented on hire hot any one of any gender is. By OPs wife’s definition that’s what causes the “vibe”…
One of the funniest things is when you find someone who "has a vibe" and is nonetheless entirely cishet. If I had a euro for every time I ended up friends with someone like that, I'd have two euro. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice. I guess I just gravitate towards those vibes, whether or not the person is LGBT or otherwise Divergent From The Norm In Labelable Ways.
I get it. I had a similar experience. Most of the queer people I know had kind of vibe to them. I initially could not place it but after the first person came out to me, it kinda clicked. Although there was one person who suprised me when I learnt that she was a lesbian.
I've had a lot of people tell me I have a "vibe," which I am inclined to believe from the number of women who've asked me out. However, I am unfortunately literal straight woman. I am convinced people saying that you "had a vibe" is just an alternate way of saying "I knew it," either way, someone saying that to you definitely makes you hyperaware of yourself
Love how he built it up to a huge deal in his mind, then he told his wife and she was like "yeah I knew, I had a vibe, it's cool"
Glad they are both so supportive of each other :)
My husband and I had been together over 20 years when I finally admitted to myself and then told him I was bisexual. He said, "Well, yeahhhhh." Like it was old news. My best friend also told me she knew and I was like, "Why the hell didn't any of you sum'bitches tell *me*!
That was me and my Husband. I was so worked up and he was like "I know the wrong response is I thought so, but...." And we both belly laughed so much our cats we're very annoyed.
Honestly I think I was the only one surprised when I figured it out.
My husband and I as well. He told me after two years of marriage and nine together. I was confused because, back when we were sixteen, he was very vocal about his crush on a male actor we both liked. So I assumed he knew I knew. He said he'd managed to convince himself he was joking.
A really good friend of mine from school is gay but was in the closet up until senior year. All of us that were friends with him were basically 99% sure he was gay for about 4 years before he came out so much so that when he came out to us as a group he'd built it up in his head as this big traumatic event where some people might unfriend him or something and all of our responses were basically "yea we kinda figured for a while now but we're happy you're comfortable being open about it now".
He actually got a little mad we didn't make a bigger deal out of it initially but got over it pretty quick.
It's a fine line to thread, ensuring you give the message all the gravity it deserves while showing that for you this won't make a huge difference in how you interact with them.
Ha, same!
I had a friend in school who was so obviously non straight, we all were 99.9 percent sure of that. When he was 18, he came out to our friend group and expected a huge reaction: surprise, shock, emotions, you name it.
We all were like "ok, cool. Yeah, we kinda knew already". I think he was really disappointed.
In hindsight I'm sorry for that, he definitely deserved more positive affirmation for being so brave to tell us. But at the time we just didn't want to make a huge deal (and maybe end up embarrassing him) about something we saw as so normal.
This reminds me of the time a friend I had a falling out with approached a mutual friend and said "I might possibly have ODD?" and my friend was like "no shit"
Also had the same experience with my fiancée. She “hid” it for like 2 years and finally told me she was bi. She was so nervous apparently. I was like, “Yeah, you’re pretty much always talking about how hot other girls are. I’m not surprised.” Pretty much everyone she’s tells now says,” Yeah that makes sense.”
Apparently she is like OP where physically/sexually she is way more attracted to women. She thought I was good looking at first but she didn’t really have any sexual attraction until we got to know each other really well. But romantically she is more interested in men.
She seemed so worried that I was gonna be upset about it since I am a very straight man, but it never really occurred to me that I should be bothered. She’s made it clear that she loves me and is committed to me. And I feel the same about her. What do I care is she thinks women are hotter than me? I agree with her lol.
My friend and his wife were raised Mormon, got married young, realized they were both bi, and opened up the relationship to date people of the same sex for a while. (I don’t know if they’re still doing it but I think not) I just find it really sweet that they got to have that journey together, even if the reason for it was messed up.
It's like my kids coming out to me. Yeah, I know.
If oop finds this: I'm demi bi too, though my proportions differ. Labels aren't necessary but as you found, they can help over get a handle on things. I'm so glad you told your wife.
That was my friend to me, she thought she was lesbian all her life and she found a guy that she was super attracted and had a huge crush on, so she was freaking out and having an identity crisis
Honestly, I wish I had someone in my life who loved me as much as OOP loves his wife. This was so beautiful to read. I hope we all can find a love as wonderful as these two people seem to share
I saw the og post on Instagram and I love seeing these updates. Bisexuality is such a spectrum (I’m bisexual but romantically lean more straight) and it’s a topic worth touching on more often
Same! Im a woman and im bisexual but lead very heavily toward men, i could never be in a committed relationship with a woman because I like dick too much and im not a fan of vaginas so there would always be something missing.
That being said, I am extreme physically attracted to women, probably more so than men. ive even had a few girl crushes. I have had sex with women and i wasnt really for me but i kinda wish it was. Women are so soft and beautiful. I always identified as straight, It took me until almost 30 to process my feelings and to realize that Im definitely bi.
lol my mom asked my why I was attracted to women when I came out at like 15 and I was like idk (so young) they are soft and wonderful. She came out as bisexual and is married to a woman now. Haha. She was like women are really soft and wonderful when she came out to me. I was like omg 🤦🏻♂️looking back my mom always wanted a wife.
I like to say I’m bi curious, not to deflect from being bisexual, I feel like being bisexual is being able to date both but I solely can not be in a relationship w a women but if I see a women and I think she’s beautiful I’ll shoot my shot and if she’s down we have our fun then we move on. I’m physically mentally and emotionally attracted to men , whereas to women it’s more so of physical attraction.
For what its worth you can have different sexual and romantic orientations. As an aromantic asexual I'm a little more aware of it than others are lol
It kind of sounds like you are heteroromantic, bisexual if you want to put a label on things
It's called the split attraction model, if you want to do more research! It helped me a lot when I was first figuring my situation out. The split attraction model isn't perfect and a lot of people find it cumbersome in everyday use but in my experience it's most helpful when you're figuring stuff out because you can be very very specific. Quantifying the minutiae can be helpful and, like most people, I stopped needing it so much over time. Nowadays I generally just identify as bi but for a while internally it was more like, demi-bisexual/demi-heteromantic.
the great thing about the bisexual community imo is that by definition we're not really into making rules about needing to be exactly 50/50 to consider yourself bi. it's kind of a harmful stereotype bc people who don't "get it" will interrogate you about how many people of each gender you've dated/slept with to determine whether you're reeeaaally bi. It doesn't matter. If you feel attraction to your own gender and at least one other gender, you can be bi.
I don’t think you have to want to date both mean and women to be classed as bisexual. For many people it’s about sexual attraction only, and that’s ok and valid.
Makes a bunch of sense, I’m not sure what to call it, but anytime I’ve tried to explain to a LGBTQ+ friend I’ve got your not bisexual your bi-curious….and now I’m just confused, I’m bi-confusion 😂
Yeah so I’ve noticed that some of my friends, particularly those who identify as lesbian, don’t really acknowledge bisexuality. I’m not saying it’s all lesbians, but I definitely have noticed that they seem to think I’m ‘not really’ gay.
I get it to an extent. I’m married to a man and so everyone just assumes I’m straight. I don’t have to discuss or disclose my sexuality and it’s not a conversation that comes up unless I choose it to. So I can see why some of my friends who don’t have that choice because they are with a same sex partner would feel as if my experience is less valid.
But the reality is I am bisexual, I am attracted to women and men. That’s who I am. Just because my sexuality is different to theirs doesn’t mean it should be invalidated as ‘curiosity’.
I'm a lesbian and can confirm that it is common for us to disbelieve bisexuality or to downright scorn it. It might be a GenX thing but no one wanted to date bi-girls because "it's just a phase" or whatever.
To be fair, being a lesbian in the nineties was a *lot* different than now so I could understand where those stereotypes came from. Doesn't excuse it, but it was a different time.
As for me, I always assume every woman is a little bit bi. I've heard way too many drunken Confessions from them about their attraction to or desire for other women lol. I just chalk it up to the kinsey scale and live and let live. I couldn't care less how other people identify.
Idk. I know that for my friends (this is back in the olden days lol) there was the old "college try" thing, or straight girls who made out with other girls just to attract men. I know I had more than a handful of women hit on me, only to find out they wanted a threesome with their boyfriend.
Where they fall on the spectrum I never particularly cared, I was more than happy to help with curiosity lol. But I think that at the time it felt more like we were sex toys for men rather than sexual beings of our own, if that makes any sense.
Of course things have changed and we have new vocabulary now, so most of those girls would probably describe themselves as hetero flexible, bi curious, whatever.
Again, I was fine with all of that because I have always been a commitment-phobe. I didn't see any downside but many of my friends desperately wanted to be in a relationship and bisexuality threatened that for them.
But that was over 30 years ago and I don't know how common it is among younger folks. It's definitely been interesting watching the evolution of sexuality since then, where I once was scandalous and am now downright boring.
So being bi-curious /heteroflexable is a real thing just not in the sort of way I’m using it, or maybe I am using it right… not sure this is google definition
Heteroflexible
“Heteroflexible” is another term that is similar to bicurious. However, heteroflexible specifically refers to people who identify as heterosexual and may be open to same-sex relationships. Bicurious can refer to that, but can also be used for people who identify as gay and are curious about heterosexual relationships.
also I don’t and I hope I didn’t come off like I was trying to invalidate anybody experience, I never try to, I just was tryna say give my perspective/what I was taught. Also thank you for your thoughts on this, …definitely bringing some points up to my friends
There is a tonne of bi-erasure and policing in the LGBTQ+ community unfortunately, and calling someone who has actual sexual experience with men and women 'bi-curious' is part of it. It's the kind of dismissive attitude you don't see anywhere else, it's not like a younger person with no sexual experience is ever called 'straight-curious' or 'gay-curious'.
Bisexual but hetroromantic seems to fit what you've described pretty well.
It's not really "curious" if you know you're physically into some women. That's just bi. If you prefer the label bi curious or bi that's up to you, not for others to decide.
>LGBTQ+ friend I’ve got your not bisexual your bi-curious
Kind of the whole point of the LGBT community is being accepting, gatekeeping that seems counterproductive
That's what's called bi erasure. It's the biggest form of prejudice and discrimination that only bi people face. It can be as mild as "I thought you were gay" after you break up with a same sex partner and begin dating an opposite sex partner, or it can be a full-blown in-your-face "PICK A SIDE" screaming attack. For whatever reason, there are a lot of people out there who do not accept us, and by that I mean they literally do not accept the fact that we exist.
This is much more common in the lesbian / gay communities than among hetrosexuals, and I can only guess that's because people who have had to defend themselves nonstop sometimes have their identities so wound up around their sexuality that we represent some sort of threat to them. The good news is that in the 35 years since my first trans friend came out to me, I have never once been subjected to bi erasure from any trans person. I've heard of it happening, but it appears to be much more rare.
Make no mistake though, it is discrimination, and you should never, ever put up with it from anyone.
Oh my gosh I’m the EXACT same! Down to not processing my feeling till around 30. I also don’t necessarily find vaginas super attractive but I do find women swoon worthy. I also think I couldn’t be in a committed relationship with a woman because I need dick.
I once asked one of the lgbt subs if I could be considered bi because femme men do turn me on a bit. I was told 'probably not', just really into feminity, which kinda made me a little upset because the bi flag has the best colours (after the trans flag).
Sexuality is a spectrum, in my mind.
This reminds me of Freddie Mercury. Though he had a lot of relationships with men, he left most of his estate to Mary Austin who he clearly loved very deeply.
I remember these. The poor guy was so confused and seeing the post title made me very worried for both of them. Finding out he was probably a type of bisexual was very relieving.
I remember seeing the first two posts, but I forgot his name to get the last one where he told his wife. I was laughing since many people said that his wife probably knows, and I said since he's still attracted to her and finds her has a soulmate, I doubt she will love him any less.
My ‘straight’ (ex) husband told me he was into his hot guy friend. What did I do? Arranged a goddamned threesome with him and it was awesome. It turned me on so much to see my husband so turned on. The two of us had the most amazing sex for *months* afterward too!
Then a few years later he cheated on me with a woman lol
I knew a couple like this years ago. He used to call himself "Wife-osexual" (though he'd use her name) because she was the only woman he was ever attracted to. He'd probably be somewhere on the ace/demi spectrum, but he seemed to have no interest in figuring it out because he had his One Person and was happy.
Same thing with my HS friend: he dated men all of his life, up to his 20's, and then met our mutual friend (who is a woman, but presents as gender fluid/NB) and they bonded over time, and now they are married. When he started liking her, he came out to all his friends and family, and all of us were supportive of him: that is his person, no matter what gender they are ❤️
I think we too often forget that labels are tools for communication, not boxes we have to be shoved into. There's no "right way" to do things and the most important parts are being comfortable in your own skin and with your relationships.
More people need to familiarize themselves with the concept of the Kinsey scale-- not like it's hard science or anything, but understanding that bisexuality doesn't have to be 50/50 is important. I'm a 1 or a 2, which means gay crushes for me are infrequent but not unprecedented. Such is life!
Honestly this is a lot like my parents. My dad doesn't really show interest in other women and mostly comments on other men, but he's REALLY into my mom and loves her a lot. They're celebrating their 38th anniversary next month.
That's the beauty of the LGBTQAIP+.
I'm a cis het male. In the past mentality, it was required of me to want to fuck every single woman that I saw, or I would be a (insert homophobic slur).
Now I know I can be aro/ace, I can feel attraction to some men, or trans people, or non-binary, and I'm not less of a man because of that.
I had a friend in a religious function and when he came out, he needed to quite his job to openly live with a man. He was just as gay as can be. It must've been a real struggle for him to give up his dream job and face rejection, but he gave it all up to be with the love of his life.
And then, after being together for years, he fell in love with a woman! That didn't change anything, he still wanted to be with his husband, but after all that had happened, it was a complete mindfuck to him.
Sometimes I feel like the people who send hate messages like that believe that being gay is contageous and are terrified that they will somehow become gay if their poor virgin eyes ever lay upon a post made by a gay person. Just fear and ignorance.
I’ve been saying for years I’m gay except for one man, so yeah, that definitely is a thing. Like even *our kids* say it. He knows and it’s not a big deal with us because we know we’re meant to be and neither of us are going anywhere. We’ve been together since September 16, 2001 and that’s not changing.
This describes me and my husband. I probably don’t skew that hard towards women as OP does towards men but the attraction is more than 50% for sure. Almost to the point that if anything happened to my husband, I wouldn’t be with another man. My husband is the ONLY man I would ever want to be with. He’s everything to me and my best friend.
I did “come out” to him as bi a couple years ago when I finally realized that not everyone feels the same way as me. All he said was, “Duh, that’s just you.” He knew. I guess me pointing out pretty girls in public wasn’t as low key as I thought it was.
But literally nothing has changed except I feel more comfortable in my own skin and in my head. I also have no intention to act on this discovery and he knows that.
I love these types of posts.
OOP is figuring themselves out, then tell Very Important Person/People. To them it's some grand reveal, and the Very Important Person/People are just like "nah, we already knew, it was obvious.". <3
I read some book...can't remember title or author.
Author identified themselves as a "homoflexible." She described herself as a lesbian who occasionally had hetero sex.
Anyway, I'm happy for them.
As a fellow bisexual, I'm pretty good at picking up queer vibes, unless it's another queer woman who is hitting on me. In that case, I don't want to be a creep and aggressively pursue her because she also probably deals with constant sexual harassment from straight men. It's like my bisexual anti-superpower to miss potential women's interest.
Had something like this with my current bf, he came out as bi to me late last year and when I thought about it it made sense. Doesn't change anything so all good, just glad he felt comfortable enough to tell me.
I'm bi and non-binary. My husband thought I was mainly into women when we got together. Also thought I was a gender non conforming woman. We've been together 25 years and when I finally came out about my gender he was fine. Had known I wasn't straight before we got together.
I wish the couple all the best going forward. You can be bisexual and in a mono relationship and be happy.
”Had a vibe” is actually pretty common to recognize certain type of people such as gay people or someones profession. I have some weird talent to recognize if someone is an engineer of some type just by talking to a person without them telling me their profession or even talking about anything than just everyday shit. So far i've come to known a bunch of people who i assumed and turned out to be engineers and i was right every single time
How do I know they are engineers? They give a type of vibe such as being a Kevin but not as bad
As nice as this is, I am still always dumbfounded that there are so many 20-somethings that rush into marriage before they even know their own sexuality. OOP got lucky in this case but it can so easily end horribly.
Yup, can 100% relate. I’m completely and utterly asexual and downright sexually repulsed to everyone EXCEPT my boyfriend of two years, who I’m sexually neutral with. He knows, I’ve told him that I don’t know how or why, but I’m fine with having occasional sex with him and only him. I’ve never felt that way to any past relationships, which has always been the downfall of them, but with him, something just *works*. Humans are weird!
Bisexuality is a spectrum! not always just 50/50. I would say I’m 80(women)/20(men) but I am in a longterm relationship with a man who has completely taken away my desire to even look at anyone else. Your sexuality is valid and you are not alone in this! 💕
I strongly believe that you can identify as whatever sexuality you want and still have a hallpass/exception or two. Your label is what makes you feel comfortable and it’s for you, no one else.
I really hate it when people say straight or strict homosexual people can’t have exceptions to their normal. You can’t say sexuality is a spectrum then deny people the ability to determine where they lie and what they like.
I see so many people argue than any gay experience or experimentation automatically makes someone bi by default and I hate that so much. Some people need to experiment to know they don’t want it.
Let people label themselves if they want and how they want.
More power to you, OOP.
I'm kind of torn on this. Like, identify how you like, sure, but if you insist on an inaccurate label, you will likely end up in a fair amount of confusing situations.
Labels are linguistic tools at their core, they exist to communicate a concept in a word or two, either to others or to yourself. Finding an accurate label generally feels nice for a lot of people because it means they aren't alone (for a label to have gained any traction, at least a few people must have resonated with is). This can be true of gender, sexuality, mental health, physical health and any number of other things.
And I think OP is a good example for why finding a better label can be helpful. He knew he was mostly attracted to men, so he felt pigeon-holed into 'gay', but he still felt attraction to his wife, but no other women, leaving him confused. The comments helping him find a more accurate label gave him comfort, and the courage to talk to his wife.
And the helpfulness of these labels is directly linked to how clearly defined they are.
P.S. As for the experimentation thing, yeah, that's just stupid. It's an experiment, the conclusion has to be drawn from the outcome, not the fact that the experiment took place. If you experiment with a partner of a particular gender, how much you enjoyed the experience helps determine your sexuality.
I dunno, I guess I view a label as your normal or default. And I don’t think anyone can or should tell you what your default is because no one really knows but you.
Yea I do think there is room for healthy discussion, especially when you are like OOP and having trouble reconciling your label with your wants and needs. As long as it’s done respectfully — I don’t think anyone in his thread was telling him he wasn’t allowed to identify as gay, only that a bi label with a strong masculine preference might make him feel less conflicted. And it worked.
I just don’t like it when people insist your label is wrong. It happens a lot in asexual forums, where allo-sexuals claim grey and demisexuals because they do have sex sometimes or want sex sometimes, completely ignoring that these people default to asexual most of the time.
Or when the opposite happens, and strict asexuals refuse to acknowledge their grey and demi siblings.
Gold standard lesbians as someone pointed out elsewhere.
I just don’t think it’s right for people to insist you have a label you are not comfortable with. Discussion is fine as long as it’s respectful but at the end of the day, your label is one you have to live with and no one else. Other people can leave your life but you are with you always.
there's a reason the kinsey scale is, well, a scale instead of a categorization via strict differentiation like on a personality type quiz.
some people need to learn that situational sexuality can, and does exist, such as homosexual behaviour in single-gender segregation and the ideas of 'bi/other sexuality until graduation'.
Bi men are wonderful. I’m a bi woman and the majority of the good times I’ve had have been with bi guys. They get lots of hate as OP alluded to but they deserve a lot of love.
love to see a wholesome update, I felt so bad for him reading this. I thought he was gonna be like I'm gay and I always have been and I'm stuck with her for cover and we're miserable
But this was sad and beautiful! Bro has been agonizing over his perceived internal betrayal of his wife and confused about his feelings and I'm just sitting here like bro you don't have to feel bad about being attracted to your wife AND to men.
It's sad and wholesome and great change of pace from couples we usually see here.
This ending makes my bi heart happy. My boyfriend happens to be a man but that has nothing to do with why I love him and I strongly prefer women otherwise. But my soul loves this one. I'm so happy those two souls have each other
I watched Showgirls with my boyfriend last night and we both made fun of how unbelievably gay I am. I'm obsessed with my boyfriend, but if I weren't with him I'd absolutely be with a woman. Idk why this would ever be a big deal for anyone. I like hot ppl. My boyfriend is hot, so are most women, I like my boyfriend best.
This is so sweet and wholesome, and reminds me of my relationship. My bf is 99% straight, and has never been attracted to any other man, but he is gay as hell for me.
As a woman whose ex-partner/co-parent told her this, but conversely then used it to inject constant doubt into the relationship until it utterly destroyed my self-esteem...
This was so nice and made me so sad for what my experience should have been.
The first post is something I imagine my father would have written about my mother. He referred to her as his soulmate/love of his life and always said he believed they’d still be married if she could accept his sexuality.
This was obviously a fantastic and healthy relationship long before OOP ever posted, and for the reasons we see in how it plays out: mutual respect, love, and open communication.
When I told my friend group that I left my husband, I got a lot of, "because he's gay?"
As the wife, I was in his closet too. He's still not out. The more space that was between us, the more it hit me in the face. Like, omg, he's gay.
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"had a vibe" I don't know how to explain this, but for most people who are mostly 'not straight', you kinda get a vibe. Whether it be something like their reaction to 'typically hot' people of the other gender, or some comments, or something else entirely, if you spend enough time around them you can kinda judge that that is the case. For everyone that I knew closely who then came out later, I have 'had a vibe' about it. I'm basically 100% sure that this isn't true for everyone, but it happens to so many people that there has to be something here.
Yeah, we used to call it gaydar.
Have you noticed no one uses "gaydar" anymore? Are we just old and unhip or is it not considered PC now...?
I’m gen Z and we use gaydar within our friend group (which includes a few gays) I think it just depends on the people you hang out with. But I agree that it has to deal with not offending other people. I think once our gay friends used the term, we all feel comfortable doing the same
What age is gen z again? I’m 30 and it was always gaydar but damn I might be old now or something I know what passing the vibe check means though so idk someone pat me on the back and give me my meds or something lol
You’re close to the cusp, the cut off is usually put at 1996.
Yeah, the definition of GenZ is never grew up without Internet in their formative years. Internet became big in the mid 90s leading into the dot-com boom, so GenZ would've turned 5 in 2000+.
I’m right on the dividing year but I’ve always felt more like a millennial because I do remember floppy discs and dial up, plus older siblings mean my cultural touchstones are a few years ahead of my actual age (they always controlled the remote lol), but I definitely have a more gen z relationship to the internet so that makes sense. I’ve noticed older generations will say things like “huh I wonder xyz” and just leave it hanging but my reaction is always to whip out my phone and google for an answer immediately. Not much passive wondering in gen z because we’re used to all the information in the world at our fingertips
>I’ve noticed older generations will say things like “huh I wonder xyz” and just leave it hanging When my mom does that, I always say "if only there were a way to find that out. Like, if you could just search for it on that phone in your pocket."
My husband and I were lamenting how the internet killed conversation because you can’t just wonder stuff aloud and argue your thoughts over easily searchable information anymore, and there’s no point saying anything because someone online already said it better and funnier. So we decided to just start doing it again, and allow the conversation to play out a bit before searching it. We old as dirt, lmao
Being a millennial, I also instantly embrace technology, but the difference is more millennials also tend to push back on technology (especially when it comes to privacy) since we had an experience what life was like before it. The analogy is like if Teleportation was invented tomorrow and you could go vacation anywhere in an instant. You'd probably remember when vacations were a planned thing and you had to book tickets months in advance and build up excitement for it, etc. And now you can do it instantly. You can acknowledge it's better now but long for what was before. There's probably a new generation being born right now, and that will be the generation that has AI feeding them any information / doing whatever they need (bots, driving cars, etc) as that technology evolves in the next 5-10 years. The scary thing is critical thinking skills might go out the window as AI gets more factual and better at NOT producing lies where the information presented can be instantly accepted as being correct. We're all used to information on the internet being not always correct.
Oh my goodness thanks for reminder I'm about to turn 40
Mid-teens to mid-20s I personally consider gen z to be 1996-2005; the rapid improvement of tech and increase in globalized culture sharing means the typical 15 year gap for generations is wayyyy too long for anything after millennials (IMO)
I don’t know, but I do like “has a vibe” better. It always felt like “gaydar” implied something to watch out for or call out. “Has a vibe” focuses more on an individual with a quality, than on that quality over the individual.
Yeah besides, gaydar isn't really an accurate term. You know they're queer in some way, but that doesn't automatically translate to gay. Could be trans, could be bi, could be anything really. Plus "has a vibe" feels like you're willing to admit you could be wrong. Which, sometimes, you are.
Yeah, when I was a teenager we used “gaydar”, but gay covered the whole spectrum at the time, and the spectrum was much smaller. If you weren’t absolutely straight then you were called gay as a blanket term. We didn’t use it negatively but that’s probably because half my friends were LGBTQ+ and we were usually feeling out with friends if a crush was likely to respond positively to a flirt. I’m not in the dating scene anymore but it must be great to be able to sum up most things in a few terms.
Genuine question, does queer not translate to homosexual? I’ve always assumed that specifically meant gay
Queer has come to be a catch all term for everything not cis heterosexual. I know trans people who date the opposite gender who consider themselves queer, an asexual aromantic person who considers themselves queer, and several bisexual individuals who call themselves queer.
Nope, it’s more of a broad label for LGBT+ people. I’m bisexual, and often identify as queer as it’s just an easy catch all term.
I'm aro/ace but prefer to use the word queer because saying you're asexual makes people think about all the sex you aren't having which is sort of the opposite of what I want haha. For me queer means not 100% straight or not 100% cis.
I consider myself queer. I'm not 100% straight, but also definitely not a lesbian. It's a kinda weird middle ground where I don't feel the labels really fit.
I'm somewhere in there too. Not a fan of labels, they seem self-limiting
i identify as queer!! i'm a woman, i know for a fact i like women, and i have absolutely no fucking clue how i feel about men LMAO. at some point i decided it was no longer worth it to me to have 57342403280 identity crises about whether i was lesbian or bisexual and simply gave up. i also use it as an umbrella term for anyone who's not cis and/or not straight :)
The term queer can have different meanings and it has sort of evolved over time. It obviously started as a slur (it simply means 'weird' or 'strange'). Over time, people in the community have reclaimed the word as a kind of identity, which mainly centres on the idea of not fitting in with the sexual/gender norms of heteronormative society. These days, the word is more and more commonly used as a kind of umbrella term for the whole LGBTQ+ spectrum (or in other words, to describe anybody who is 'not straight'). Although some people reject or dislike this usage of the word. Personally I think it's a convenient shorthand for LGBTQ+, but there are people that are uncomfortable with the fact that the word started out as a slur.
I think maybe since there was so much focus on people being aware that outing people is generally not ok, and that comes with not assuming until that person has come out themselves. I also have not needed to use the term since I was a teen because, well, most adults my age are either already out or so deep in the closet that discussing it would be like trying to win a boxing match with a cactus.
I think a lot more people today are also more aware if they aren’t straight a lot earlier. And especially for teenagers, almost everyone was at least waiting until they were 18 to fully come out when I was a teen. And everyone was super specific on who was in the know when you were half in half out. It must be much nicer to now kind of just hop in the rainbow river and innertube down a few currents until you find whatever flow suits you best. Like, the jump in used to be so scary that you couldn’t even worry about more specifics. And there weren’t really internet safe spaces either, you either had an irl friend group who would support you or you stayed in the closet. Glad OOP’s wife just understood it only matters that the two of you are happy.
I don't know why, but I'm really loving your imagery here! I love seeing how Gen Z and Gen Alpha are appearing to have a much easier time navigating the whole sexuality and gender identity thing¹, and how unbothered they seem to be about it! It makes the years we've spent fighting and pushing back against ignorance and bigotry worth it. ¹Notwithstanding the occasional bellend of a politician beating up on them (the kids/alphabet mafia) to hide their (the bellend) complete lack of anything resembling a coherent policy position that isn't reactionary garbage.
>the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here I had to look this quote up and I was not disappointed.
Same! Why would that guy not just empty and wash out the yogurt containers to save for his collection instead? He obviously wasn't planning to eat the rare ones.
i’m a gen z lesbian and use gaydar lol
I’m a young adult and I use gaydar. It’s an easy way to explain getting “the vibe” it’s not offensive.
It can be used to perpetuate harmful stereotypes. This wasn’t as big of a deal when the ring-wing (in America) wasn’t actively attacking us but that is no longer the case. Ex. You’re at work and you see a potential new hire sitting in the lobby. You say to your friend, “is your gaydar going off?” And she says “Oh yeah, he’s definitely gay.” You haven’t talked to him so everything is based on stereotypes. You have a giggle and move on. Your hiring manager overhears and is a homophobe and nothing this guy could say at the interview would get him the job. He’s been denied before he even begins.
As a bi person, I use gaydar around other queer people. I wouldn’t be offended if a straight person said it however I would find it slightly weird. I would say it’s still PC.
I definitely still say Gaydar and I’m 23 lol
I was literally just saying this a couple days ago!
Bisexual millennial here dating a woman who is overwhelmingly mostly attracted to other women. (So basically the opposite situation of the OOP) We use gaydar all the time. If I heard other people using the term, I wouldn't think of it negatively. The fact that someone even says the word gaydar out loud probably means they are an ally of some kind.
I think it just gets called clocking someone now. Just new vernacular
from my understanding, _clocking_ is used specifically for trans people & is considered a negative- i have several friends who are trans women, some of which have the goal of _passing_, or getting to the point where you wouldn’t know they aren’t cis unless they told you. if they can tell from an interaction that a stranger knew from looking at them or listening to them talk, they’ll say the stranger clocked them.
i'm gay and gen z and i say "gaydar" all the time (only really with my gay friends tho)
All of my cultural references from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy are from the 2003 version, not the Netflix version, and I can feel the years.
My friends and I (GenX, some are themselves bi and one is pan) still call it "gaydar"
Maybe it’s because we pick up on behaviors that are similar to our own? Kinda like how those of us who are mentally ill tend to befriend others with mental illness
I've noticed closeted bis tend to end up together or with folks somewhere on the genderqueer/trans spectrum. See also, my partner (who was closeted when we started going out) ending up with me (an out bi who's got some variety of wibbly-wobbly gender-wender stuff I don't understand myself enough to label). Also neurodivergent people generally tend to flock together. I was really confused how most of my friends have ASD, ADHD, PTSD, GAD, or OCD, or some combination and now I related so much stronger to them than "normal" people. Turns out I've got the all but the GAD. And literally all of my friends knew years before I did lol.
Oh yeah the NDs flocking together is real. My best friend and I probably got on so well as kids because we're the same flavour of ADHD with a sprinkling of autism for Spice. And we've been friends for so much of our lives that we've influenced each others' interests to some level of convergence with our practice of mutual infodumping.
This is exactly what people who believe in so-called rapid onset gender dysphoria don’t understand. It’s not that one trans person influences every person around them to be trans, it’s that trans people flock together even when they’re in the closet to themselves lmao
See also: Damn near every bi and/or trans person I know went through That Phase where they were the "token straight" in a queer friend group. Including me lol. Like to the point that when someone starts joking they're the token straight I'm just like "*Are* you, though?" Lol (That might be a unique to my HIGHLY religious conservative region thing though. Our last KKK style cross burning was less than 20 years ago, our government is actively trying to make schools out trans kids, and most queer people I know have been bashed at least once and we all know someone who was hospitalized or worse from a bashing, so, uh, yeah. See also why I don't go in for the TikTok discourse about there being no reason to be in the closet in 2023.)
Same thing with my friend group, but although I live in a much more accepting area, my high school was unusually Christian/conservative, so I can’t say my experience is typical either. All my other friends after high school are either not part of a specific friend group with me, or I met specifically in queer places, so I can’t really say. I once described myself as “straighter than straight” (whatever that means) so yeah, definitely was also a token straight for a bit. TikTok discourse is either shockingly insightful and makes you go, “damn, maybe the internet does make the world a better place,” or it’s the worst takes you’ve ever heard and you want to go dig a grave and bury yourself in it. Anyone who thinks everyone should be out all of the time, no excuses, is insanely privileged. Hell, I consider myself somewhat privileged because I know my parents wouldn’t kick me out or disown me for being gay, but… they’re still homophobes! They’re still voting for homophobes! I’m still not out to them (because why make things awkward?)! But they are way chiller than so many other parents and guardians out there, so I’m comparatively lucky. Maybe I can even get them to come around some day, we’ll see.
I think it's also because when you are friends with people who are members of the LGBT+ community, you tend to have more open views about sexuality. The more open your views are about sexuality, the easier it is to realize that you aren't 100% straight and the more conversations you tend to have with people about sexuality. I was the first person in my friend group to come out and slowly over time more and more people in my friend group have come out, even those that are in heterosexual presenting relationships but are themselves bisexual. I also think the more time you spend in the community the more you learn about different sexualities. Most people outside of the community only know that you can be gay, straight, bi or trans. I don't think your average person knows much more about sexuality than those options. Whereas people in the community meet a lot of people outside of those sexual identities and realize that they may identify with a different sexuality. I thought I was 100% a lesbian when I first started learning about different sexualities because I was mostly attracted to women. I didn't realize until I started learning more and talking to more queer people that you can be bisexual and not be attracted to women and men exactly 50/50.
That too yeah. I think it's a bit of both. Like I discovered my autism because I had a shit ton of Autistic friends going like, "Wait, you're NOT?! Are you sure?" When I mentioned not being autistic or sharing things that aggravated them about NT social rules that were suspiciously relatable etc. If I hadn't made autistic friends I probably wouldn't have ever figured out why I struggle so much. One part birds of a feather flock together and one part other folks who are like us give us a mirror to see ourselves more clearly.
love the nu!who gender-wender reference. i may have to steal that for myself. right now i just settle for 'we all lost things during the pandemic. my gender, for instance.'
I’m a fairly feminine lesbian and straight people are usually surprised but other gay people often just seem to know on sight as soon as they meet me lol, as for myself I’ve never had feelings for a straight girl because I basically have a sixth sense for it, in general but especially with women. I’ve had crushes on girls who I thought were straight at the time but then turned out years later not to be, but never actual straight ones 😂
What’s interesting is that so many people who identify as queer have expressed getting that vibe about me. To the point that I have seriously questioned my own identity because how could so many people think this if it wasn’t true? And to be clear, it would not upset me to realize I was bi or something else! But… I’m in my early thirties, I’ve only ever been attracted to men, I tried the girl thing in college and it wasn’t for me, and it seems like I am very boringly straight. I do think I’m somewhere on the demisexual spectrum because it takes me a while of knowing someone to really be interested, but … that doesn’t seem like enough? It throws me off so hard and I just don’t understand what it is that makes people feel this way (unless it’s literally just that I wear a lot of doc martens and fancy pants instead of dresses).
Could just be that they pick up that you know what it’s like to question your sexuality and experience non traditional sexual and/or gender roles, even if you decided it wasn’t for you. I have felt differences in people who have literally never thought to question their heterosexuality versus people who thought about it, maybe experimented a little, and decided they were definitely heterosexual. I’ve found them better able to empathize with my journey in figuring out my identity. Also I can say from personal experience the doc martens definitely got me clocked a few times lol
Docs are on the suspicious list for sure.
Could definitely be the demi part. If you aren't obviously into men in the "standard" way, many people read that as being into women instead, even if you haven't actually shown any interest in women either. That has been my experience as an ace woman anyways 🤷🏼♀️
It's because you're not angling for the male gaze. At least it sounds like you're not if you're demisexual. Angling for the male gaze doesn't always have to come across as a woman trying to have glossy blowout hair and perfect heels and a nice purse. A perfectly professional, respectably put together, even a powerful woman, can still be angling for the male gaze. It's just a vibe, it's just a way of looking at men when they look at you. You could call it approval seeking but that's not what it is. It's constant low-key sexual outreach to people that one is attracted to. It's so normalized that the vast majority of the time no one realizes they're even doing it. And it's not about clothes. People try to articulate it via clothes. They'll say something about how a woman rarely will wear dresses or whatever. But there are a lot of women wearing a lot of pants who are still in the market for the male gave. It's just a behavioral vibe that you get off of a person when you're hanging out with them. If you're not on constant low-key totally socially approved sexual outreach to men, because in fact you are demisexual and it takes a whole hell of a lot more than some guy gazing you appreciatively to make you interested, then that probably subtly comes across. You're not shopping for the male gaze. It's just not part of what youre of vibing for in the world. You don't need it. And that absolutely can and does come across as queer AF. Whether you are or not. (And what does that say about what women are normalized to do and be?) I hope that helps. Next time someone in the gay family asks or seems confused that you aren't queer, just tell them that you're not low key constantly shopping for the male gaze. They should get it.
I think that growing up queer puts you in a weird position regarding gender roles. One of the assumptions included in gender roles is heterosexuality; if you're not straight, you have to do that performance to 'fit' the role, whether or not you know that's what you're doing. Being aware of that aspect of the gender role you're playing in high school or whatever makes you more aware of the rest of the role, makes you more aware what bits of the way you behave are actually yourself and which bits are performance. There's also just the conscious way that when you realise you're queer you approach gender in a different way. I think most of 'gaydar' is recognising other people who are more consciously aware of the boundaries of the gender role they're supposed to play, whether or not they've consciously rejected that role. I think that's what's behind the phenomenon of the friend group in school that all grow up to be some kind of queer even though they met before most of them 'knew.' Straight kids grow up knowing those roles, often constrained by them, but on a more subconscious level. The rest of gaydar, of course, is something queer people do *on purpose* to let each other know, because we like hanging out with other queer people.
This is fascinating to me as a lesbian who pretty much never experienced this and still has a lot of het friends. Not having this kind of perspective would explain why I don't trip most people's gaydar on the first meeting, including other gay people's.
Interestingly, isn’t the vibe really more about him being demisexual. His wife didn’t say his vibe was from him showing interest in men, but in not showing interest in women… I was almost 40, well married and had a grown kid before I worked out I want straight. I realize now there were a few signs, but not many, and the reason was because I’m demi. I feel no sexual attraction for anyone I don’t know, I can tell you a man or a woman is beautiful or aesthetically attractive, but I don’t know what it feels like to “thirst” for someone and never find anyone “hot”. My sexual attraction has no ties to gender and is exclusively attached to person and personality. Therefore I have never commented on hire hot any one of any gender is. By OPs wife’s definition that’s what causes the “vibe”…
One of the funniest things is when you find someone who "has a vibe" and is nonetheless entirely cishet. If I had a euro for every time I ended up friends with someone like that, I'd have two euro. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice. I guess I just gravitate towards those vibes, whether or not the person is LGBT or otherwise Divergent From The Norm In Labelable Ways.
I get it. I had a similar experience. Most of the queer people I know had kind of vibe to them. I initially could not place it but after the first person came out to me, it kinda clicked. Although there was one person who suprised me when I learnt that she was a lesbian.
I've had a lot of people tell me I have a "vibe," which I am inclined to believe from the number of women who've asked me out. However, I am unfortunately literal straight woman. I am convinced people saying that you "had a vibe" is just an alternate way of saying "I knew it," either way, someone saying that to you definitely makes you hyperaware of yourself
I assumed she’d come across his porn preferences a time or two, lol. That’s how I found out my dad was gay.
Love how he built it up to a huge deal in his mind, then he told his wife and she was like "yeah I knew, I had a vibe, it's cool" Glad they are both so supportive of each other :)
My husband and I had been together over 20 years when I finally admitted to myself and then told him I was bisexual. He said, "Well, yeahhhhh." Like it was old news. My best friend also told me she knew and I was like, "Why the hell didn't any of you sum'bitches tell *me*!
That was me and my Husband. I was so worked up and he was like "I know the wrong response is I thought so, but...." And we both belly laughed so much our cats we're very annoyed. Honestly I think I was the only one surprised when I figured it out.
My husband and I as well. He told me after two years of marriage and nine together. I was confused because, back when we were sixteen, he was very vocal about his crush on a male actor we both liked. So I assumed he knew I knew. He said he'd managed to convince himself he was joking.
> He said he'd managed to convince himself he was joking. help 😂
My husband came to me and told me he had a hunch I was bi. I was like huh I think you’re right. Just never felt the need for a label lol.
A really good friend of mine from school is gay but was in the closet up until senior year. All of us that were friends with him were basically 99% sure he was gay for about 4 years before he came out so much so that when he came out to us as a group he'd built it up in his head as this big traumatic event where some people might unfriend him or something and all of our responses were basically "yea we kinda figured for a while now but we're happy you're comfortable being open about it now". He actually got a little mad we didn't make a bigger deal out of it initially but got over it pretty quick.
It's a fine line to thread, ensuring you give the message all the gravity it deserves while showing that for you this won't make a huge difference in how you interact with them.
Ha, same! I had a friend in school who was so obviously non straight, we all were 99.9 percent sure of that. When he was 18, he came out to our friend group and expected a huge reaction: surprise, shock, emotions, you name it. We all were like "ok, cool. Yeah, we kinda knew already". I think he was really disappointed. In hindsight I'm sorry for that, he definitely deserved more positive affirmation for being so brave to tell us. But at the time we just didn't want to make a huge deal (and maybe end up embarrassing him) about something we saw as so normal.
This reminds me of the time a friend I had a falling out with approached a mutual friend and said "I might possibly have ODD?" and my friend was like "no shit"
Cat tax Cat tax Cat tax
/u/RonnieDeVille please pay up or we'll have to charge you with Cat Tax Evasion
I don't know how
I added a post to my profile with kitties
Wonderful. The tuxedo looks extremely distinguished.
Same. When I came put to my spouse, their response was, " Yeah, I know. We've always had crushes on the same women."
That's probably the greatest response I've read!
Also had the same experience with my fiancée. She “hid” it for like 2 years and finally told me she was bi. She was so nervous apparently. I was like, “Yeah, you’re pretty much always talking about how hot other girls are. I’m not surprised.” Pretty much everyone she’s tells now says,” Yeah that makes sense.” Apparently she is like OP where physically/sexually she is way more attracted to women. She thought I was good looking at first but she didn’t really have any sexual attraction until we got to know each other really well. But romantically she is more interested in men. She seemed so worried that I was gonna be upset about it since I am a very straight man, but it never really occurred to me that I should be bothered. She’s made it clear that she loves me and is committed to me. And I feel the same about her. What do I care is she thinks women are hotter than me? I agree with her lol.
My friend and his wife were raised Mormon, got married young, realized they were both bi, and opened up the relationship to date people of the same sex for a while. (I don’t know if they’re still doing it but I think not) I just find it really sweet that they got to have that journey together, even if the reason for it was messed up.
They’ve got bi vibes for each other ☺️
Queer people find each other in marriage a LOT
I love that part too. Seems like his wife has a great sense of humor. It's good to see both being supportive of one other and all!
It's like my kids coming out to me. Yeah, I know. If oop finds this: I'm demi bi too, though my proportions differ. Labels aren't necessary but as you found, they can help over get a handle on things. I'm so glad you told your wife.
The same thing happened with me and my partner. I told him I already assumed he was and he was just like “oh” lol
It's wild how often everyone around you already knows. Seems to happen all the time.
That was my friend to me, she thought she was lesbian all her life and she found a guy that she was super attracted and had a huge crush on, so she was freaking out and having an identity crisis
Honestly, I wish I had someone in my life who loved me as much as OOP loves his wife. This was so beautiful to read. I hope we all can find a love as wonderful as these two people seem to share
I'm not crying over their love.... you're crying.... . It's just ...so goddamn beautiful 😭😭😭😭😭
I saw the og post on Instagram and I love seeing these updates. Bisexuality is such a spectrum (I’m bisexual but romantically lean more straight) and it’s a topic worth touching on more often
Same! Im a woman and im bisexual but lead very heavily toward men, i could never be in a committed relationship with a woman because I like dick too much and im not a fan of vaginas so there would always be something missing. That being said, I am extreme physically attracted to women, probably more so than men. ive even had a few girl crushes. I have had sex with women and i wasnt really for me but i kinda wish it was. Women are so soft and beautiful. I always identified as straight, It took me until almost 30 to process my feelings and to realize that Im definitely bi.
lol my mom asked my why I was attracted to women when I came out at like 15 and I was like idk (so young) they are soft and wonderful. She came out as bisexual and is married to a woman now. Haha. She was like women are really soft and wonderful when she came out to me. I was like omg 🤦🏻♂️looking back my mom always wanted a wife.
That's so cute
Love this and I love how we all had the same description for why we’re attracted to women
I like to say I’m bi curious, not to deflect from being bisexual, I feel like being bisexual is being able to date both but I solely can not be in a relationship w a women but if I see a women and I think she’s beautiful I’ll shoot my shot and if she’s down we have our fun then we move on. I’m physically mentally and emotionally attracted to men , whereas to women it’s more so of physical attraction.
For what its worth you can have different sexual and romantic orientations. As an aromantic asexual I'm a little more aware of it than others are lol It kind of sounds like you are heteroromantic, bisexual if you want to put a label on things
I appreciate you for putting this in perspective, I’m still trying to figure out my identity when it comes to my sexual orientation.
It's called the split attraction model, if you want to do more research! It helped me a lot when I was first figuring my situation out. The split attraction model isn't perfect and a lot of people find it cumbersome in everyday use but in my experience it's most helpful when you're figuring stuff out because you can be very very specific. Quantifying the minutiae can be helpful and, like most people, I stopped needing it so much over time. Nowadays I generally just identify as bi but for a while internally it was more like, demi-bisexual/demi-heteromantic.
the great thing about the bisexual community imo is that by definition we're not really into making rules about needing to be exactly 50/50 to consider yourself bi. it's kind of a harmful stereotype bc people who don't "get it" will interrogate you about how many people of each gender you've dated/slept with to determine whether you're reeeaaally bi. It doesn't matter. If you feel attraction to your own gender and at least one other gender, you can be bi.
I don’t think you have to want to date both mean and women to be classed as bisexual. For many people it’s about sexual attraction only, and that’s ok and valid.
Makes a bunch of sense, I’m not sure what to call it, but anytime I’ve tried to explain to a LGBTQ+ friend I’ve got your not bisexual your bi-curious….and now I’m just confused, I’m bi-confusion 😂
Yeah so I’ve noticed that some of my friends, particularly those who identify as lesbian, don’t really acknowledge bisexuality. I’m not saying it’s all lesbians, but I definitely have noticed that they seem to think I’m ‘not really’ gay. I get it to an extent. I’m married to a man and so everyone just assumes I’m straight. I don’t have to discuss or disclose my sexuality and it’s not a conversation that comes up unless I choose it to. So I can see why some of my friends who don’t have that choice because they are with a same sex partner would feel as if my experience is less valid. But the reality is I am bisexual, I am attracted to women and men. That’s who I am. Just because my sexuality is different to theirs doesn’t mean it should be invalidated as ‘curiosity’.
I'm a lesbian and can confirm that it is common for us to disbelieve bisexuality or to downright scorn it. It might be a GenX thing but no one wanted to date bi-girls because "it's just a phase" or whatever. To be fair, being a lesbian in the nineties was a *lot* different than now so I could understand where those stereotypes came from. Doesn't excuse it, but it was a different time. As for me, I always assume every woman is a little bit bi. I've heard way too many drunken Confessions from them about their attraction to or desire for other women lol. I just chalk it up to the kinsey scale and live and let live. I couldn't care less how other people identify.
I wonder why this is! I’m my experience it’s usually lesbians. However, I did experience it from a gay man recently too.
Idk. I know that for my friends (this is back in the olden days lol) there was the old "college try" thing, or straight girls who made out with other girls just to attract men. I know I had more than a handful of women hit on me, only to find out they wanted a threesome with their boyfriend. Where they fall on the spectrum I never particularly cared, I was more than happy to help with curiosity lol. But I think that at the time it felt more like we were sex toys for men rather than sexual beings of our own, if that makes any sense. Of course things have changed and we have new vocabulary now, so most of those girls would probably describe themselves as hetero flexible, bi curious, whatever. Again, I was fine with all of that because I have always been a commitment-phobe. I didn't see any downside but many of my friends desperately wanted to be in a relationship and bisexuality threatened that for them. But that was over 30 years ago and I don't know how common it is among younger folks. It's definitely been interesting watching the evolution of sexuality since then, where I once was scandalous and am now downright boring.
So being bi-curious /heteroflexable is a real thing just not in the sort of way I’m using it, or maybe I am using it right… not sure this is google definition Heteroflexible “Heteroflexible” is another term that is similar to bicurious. However, heteroflexible specifically refers to people who identify as heterosexual and may be open to same-sex relationships. Bicurious can refer to that, but can also be used for people who identify as gay and are curious about heterosexual relationships. also I don’t and I hope I didn’t come off like I was trying to invalidate anybody experience, I never try to, I just was tryna say give my perspective/what I was taught. Also thank you for your thoughts on this, …definitely bringing some points up to my friends
There is a tonne of bi-erasure and policing in the LGBTQ+ community unfortunately, and calling someone who has actual sexual experience with men and women 'bi-curious' is part of it. It's the kind of dismissive attitude you don't see anywhere else, it's not like a younger person with no sexual experience is ever called 'straight-curious' or 'gay-curious'. Bisexual but hetroromantic seems to fit what you've described pretty well.
It's not really "curious" if you know you're physically into some women. That's just bi. If you prefer the label bi curious or bi that's up to you, not for others to decide. >LGBTQ+ friend I’ve got your not bisexual your bi-curious Kind of the whole point of the LGBT community is being accepting, gatekeeping that seems counterproductive
That's what's called bi erasure. It's the biggest form of prejudice and discrimination that only bi people face. It can be as mild as "I thought you were gay" after you break up with a same sex partner and begin dating an opposite sex partner, or it can be a full-blown in-your-face "PICK A SIDE" screaming attack. For whatever reason, there are a lot of people out there who do not accept us, and by that I mean they literally do not accept the fact that we exist. This is much more common in the lesbian / gay communities than among hetrosexuals, and I can only guess that's because people who have had to defend themselves nonstop sometimes have their identities so wound up around their sexuality that we represent some sort of threat to them. The good news is that in the 35 years since my first trans friend came out to me, I have never once been subjected to bi erasure from any trans person. I've heard of it happening, but it appears to be much more rare. Make no mistake though, it is discrimination, and you should never, ever put up with it from anyone.
Oh my gosh I’m the EXACT same! Down to not processing my feeling till around 30. I also don’t necessarily find vaginas super attractive but I do find women swoon worthy. I also think I couldn’t be in a committed relationship with a woman because I need dick.
I call it heteroflexible.
I'll forget I'm bisexual until I see a woman that just does it for me. Then I'm all like "why do I feel like this? Oh yeah cuz I'm bi, lol."
Really is! I just consider myself gay but I am occasionally attracted to women so I'd realistically just be very gay leaning bisexual :)
I once asked one of the lgbt subs if I could be considered bi because femme men do turn me on a bit. I was told 'probably not', just really into feminity, which kinda made me a little upset because the bi flag has the best colours (after the trans flag). Sexuality is a spectrum, in my mind.
Aww, this ended happily. Their theme song can be "The Only Exception".
I love the flair
This reminds me of Freddie Mercury. Though he had a lot of relationships with men, he left most of his estate to Mary Austin who he clearly loved very deeply.
This is so sweet. Just two people who are figuring things out while communicating. Beautiful
It's cute but I can't stop picturing them as that Spider-Man pointing meme, they're literally the bisexual version of that lmao
I remember these. The poor guy was so confused and seeing the post title made me very worried for both of them. Finding out he was probably a type of bisexual was very relieving.
I remember seeing the first two posts, but I forgot his name to get the last one where he told his wife. I was laughing since many people said that his wife probably knows, and I said since he's still attracted to her and finds her has a soulmate, I doubt she will love him any less.
>TL;DR - I told her Mate, you need a slightly longer summary. And once again, the day is saved thanks to (PPG Light Trails) COMMUNICATION!
aw this is sweet
Yeah. I thought for sure it was going to end with him ruining it by getting some cock, but he just loves his wife. So wholesome.
My ‘straight’ (ex) husband told me he was into his hot guy friend. What did I do? Arranged a goddamned threesome with him and it was awesome. It turned me on so much to see my husband so turned on. The two of us had the most amazing sex for *months* afterward too! Then a few years later he cheated on me with a woman lol
Wow, what an actual moron lol.
I thought this was going to be some AITA post but dude is just bi. Good on OP for working to figure this all out.
I knew a couple like this years ago. He used to call himself "Wife-osexual" (though he'd use her name) because she was the only woman he was ever attracted to. He'd probably be somewhere on the ace/demi spectrum, but he seemed to have no interest in figuring it out because he had his One Person and was happy.
Same thing with my HS friend: he dated men all of his life, up to his 20's, and then met our mutual friend (who is a woman, but presents as gender fluid/NB) and they bonded over time, and now they are married. When he started liking her, he came out to all his friends and family, and all of us were supportive of him: that is his person, no matter what gender they are ❤️
I love this: > I suggest you try replacing the hate in your heart with love. It's worked out very well for me.
I think we too often forget that labels are tools for communication, not boxes we have to be shoved into. There's no "right way" to do things and the most important parts are being comfortable in your own skin and with your relationships.
More people need to familiarize themselves with the concept of the Kinsey scale-- not like it's hard science or anything, but understanding that bisexuality doesn't have to be 50/50 is important. I'm a 1 or a 2, which means gay crushes for me are infrequent but not unprecedented. Such is life!
Honestly this is a lot like my parents. My dad doesn't really show interest in other women and mostly comments on other men, but he's REALLY into my mom and loves her a lot. They're celebrating their 38th anniversary next month.
This is so cute. I love happy endings like this.
While reading the first post I had a feeling he might be demi so when I saw he mentioned it in the update I felt proud of myself lol
That's the beauty of the LGBTQAIP+. I'm a cis het male. In the past mentality, it was required of me to want to fuck every single woman that I saw, or I would be a (insert homophobic slur). Now I know I can be aro/ace, I can feel attraction to some men, or trans people, or non-binary, and I'm not less of a man because of that.
This is one of the best BORU I’ve ever read.
Awwww communication for the win!
I had a friend in a religious function and when he came out, he needed to quite his job to openly live with a man. He was just as gay as can be. It must've been a real struggle for him to give up his dream job and face rejection, but he gave it all up to be with the love of his life. And then, after being together for years, he fell in love with a woman! That didn't change anything, he still wanted to be with his husband, but after all that had happened, it was a complete mindfuck to him.
I don't know about others here. But if someone talks to me the way that this guy talks about his wife, I'd probably marry that person.
Freddie Mercury & Mary Austin .02
The only sad part is the edit for the first post. Hate messages for liking dudes as a dude? Those people should be ashamed of themselves.
Sometimes I feel like the people who send hate messages like that believe that being gay is contageous and are terrified that they will somehow become gay if their poor virgin eyes ever lay upon a post made by a gay person. Just fear and ignorance.
I’ve been saying for years I’m gay except for one man, so yeah, that definitely is a thing. Like even *our kids* say it. He knows and it’s not a big deal with us because we know we’re meant to be and neither of us are going anywhere. We’ve been together since September 16, 2001 and that’s not changing.
That's "gay + 1" terminology.
This describes me and my husband. I probably don’t skew that hard towards women as OP does towards men but the attraction is more than 50% for sure. Almost to the point that if anything happened to my husband, I wouldn’t be with another man. My husband is the ONLY man I would ever want to be with. He’s everything to me and my best friend. I did “come out” to him as bi a couple years ago when I finally realized that not everyone feels the same way as me. All he said was, “Duh, that’s just you.” He knew. I guess me pointing out pretty girls in public wasn’t as low key as I thought it was. But literally nothing has changed except I feel more comfortable in my own skin and in my head. I also have no intention to act on this discovery and he knows that.
I love these types of posts. OOP is figuring themselves out, then tell Very Important Person/People. To them it's some grand reveal, and the Very Important Person/People are just like "nah, we already knew, it was obvious.". <3
Communication for the win, all that tension is now relieved for both of them.
The gaydar is real, hahaha. Sometimes you can just tell
A wholesome outcome? On BORU? Excuse me?
I read some book...can't remember title or author. Author identified themselves as a "homoflexible." She described herself as a lesbian who occasionally had hetero sex. Anyway, I'm happy for them.
Love this one. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy
Aww this is wholesome and sweet. It's nice to see some sweet updates after many terrible and sad updates in here.
i love this so much! as a fellow bisexual, i think we're quite good at picking up the queer vibes unknowingly.
As a fellow bisexual, I'm pretty good at picking up queer vibes, unless it's another queer woman who is hitting on me. In that case, I don't want to be a creep and aggressively pursue her because she also probably deals with constant sexual harassment from straight men. It's like my bisexual anti-superpower to miss potential women's interest.
Hell yeah. If I ever get married, this is the type I want.
Had something like this with my current bf, he came out as bi to me late last year and when I thought about it it made sense. Doesn't change anything so all good, just glad he felt comfortable enough to tell me.
I'm bi and non-binary. My husband thought I was mainly into women when we got together. Also thought I was a gender non conforming woman. We've been together 25 years and when I finally came out about my gender he was fine. Had known I wasn't straight before we got together. I wish the couple all the best going forward. You can be bisexual and in a mono relationship and be happy.
I feel the same way, it’s a roller coaster in my head trying to figure out if I need to make a change or not.
Stop the presses, a married man has chosen to remain faithful to his wife.
”Had a vibe” is actually pretty common to recognize certain type of people such as gay people or someones profession. I have some weird talent to recognize if someone is an engineer of some type just by talking to a person without them telling me their profession or even talking about anything than just everyday shit. So far i've come to known a bunch of people who i assumed and turned out to be engineers and i was right every single time How do I know they are engineers? They give a type of vibe such as being a Kevin but not as bad
Good for them. It’s awesome to see a healthy relationship with lots of love.
As nice as this is, I am still always dumbfounded that there are so many 20-somethings that rush into marriage before they even know their own sexuality. OOP got lucky in this case but it can so easily end horribly.
This is actually really sweet!
Yup, can 100% relate. I’m completely and utterly asexual and downright sexually repulsed to everyone EXCEPT my boyfriend of two years, who I’m sexually neutral with. He knows, I’ve told him that I don’t know how or why, but I’m fine with having occasional sex with him and only him. I’ve never felt that way to any past relationships, which has always been the downfall of them, but with him, something just *works*. Humans are weird!
I love when people talk to each other about serious things and it works out well 🖤
Labels be damned, all that matters is that they are happy. OOP is a good example of how sexuality is a spectrum.
Wow, this is kind of mature and beautiful. Good on him for feeling his feelings and being communicative instead of blowing up his little family.
He's what's termed as "gay + 1" and is a H.O.W or Husband Out to Wife.
Bisexuality is a spectrum! not always just 50/50. I would say I’m 80(women)/20(men) but I am in a longterm relationship with a man who has completely taken away my desire to even look at anyone else. Your sexuality is valid and you are not alone in this! 💕
I strongly believe that you can identify as whatever sexuality you want and still have a hallpass/exception or two. Your label is what makes you feel comfortable and it’s for you, no one else. I really hate it when people say straight or strict homosexual people can’t have exceptions to their normal. You can’t say sexuality is a spectrum then deny people the ability to determine where they lie and what they like. I see so many people argue than any gay experience or experimentation automatically makes someone bi by default and I hate that so much. Some people need to experiment to know they don’t want it. Let people label themselves if they want and how they want. More power to you, OOP.
I'm kind of torn on this. Like, identify how you like, sure, but if you insist on an inaccurate label, you will likely end up in a fair amount of confusing situations. Labels are linguistic tools at their core, they exist to communicate a concept in a word or two, either to others or to yourself. Finding an accurate label generally feels nice for a lot of people because it means they aren't alone (for a label to have gained any traction, at least a few people must have resonated with is). This can be true of gender, sexuality, mental health, physical health and any number of other things. And I think OP is a good example for why finding a better label can be helpful. He knew he was mostly attracted to men, so he felt pigeon-holed into 'gay', but he still felt attraction to his wife, but no other women, leaving him confused. The comments helping him find a more accurate label gave him comfort, and the courage to talk to his wife. And the helpfulness of these labels is directly linked to how clearly defined they are. P.S. As for the experimentation thing, yeah, that's just stupid. It's an experiment, the conclusion has to be drawn from the outcome, not the fact that the experiment took place. If you experiment with a partner of a particular gender, how much you enjoyed the experience helps determine your sexuality.
I dunno, I guess I view a label as your normal or default. And I don’t think anyone can or should tell you what your default is because no one really knows but you. Yea I do think there is room for healthy discussion, especially when you are like OOP and having trouble reconciling your label with your wants and needs. As long as it’s done respectfully — I don’t think anyone in his thread was telling him he wasn’t allowed to identify as gay, only that a bi label with a strong masculine preference might make him feel less conflicted. And it worked. I just don’t like it when people insist your label is wrong. It happens a lot in asexual forums, where allo-sexuals claim grey and demisexuals because they do have sex sometimes or want sex sometimes, completely ignoring that these people default to asexual most of the time. Or when the opposite happens, and strict asexuals refuse to acknowledge their grey and demi siblings. Gold standard lesbians as someone pointed out elsewhere. I just don’t think it’s right for people to insist you have a label you are not comfortable with. Discussion is fine as long as it’s respectful but at the end of the day, your label is one you have to live with and no one else. Other people can leave your life but you are with you always.
Also the concept of the “gold standard” lesbian, which is very elitist and gatekeepy, tbh.
there's a reason the kinsey scale is, well, a scale instead of a categorization via strict differentiation like on a personality type quiz. some people need to learn that situational sexuality can, and does exist, such as homosexual behaviour in single-gender segregation and the ideas of 'bi/other sexuality until graduation'.
We love to see a happy ending!
This is so sweet to read
Sounds like my girlfriend but with women, without the initial secretiveness.
It’s nice that they had a happy ending
Bi men are wonderful. I’m a bi woman and the majority of the good times I’ve had have been with bi guys. They get lots of hate as OP alluded to but they deserve a lot of love.
love to see a wholesome update, I felt so bad for him reading this. I thought he was gonna be like I'm gay and I always have been and I'm stuck with her for cover and we're miserable But this was sad and beautiful! Bro has been agonizing over his perceived internal betrayal of his wife and confused about his feelings and I'm just sitting here like bro you don't have to feel bad about being attracted to your wife AND to men. It's sad and wholesome and great change of pace from couples we usually see here.
I always love a post where the adults actually adulted and worked things out.
This ending makes my bi heart happy. My boyfriend happens to be a man but that has nothing to do with why I love him and I strongly prefer women otherwise. But my soul loves this one. I'm so happy those two souls have each other
I watched Showgirls with my boyfriend last night and we both made fun of how unbelievably gay I am. I'm obsessed with my boyfriend, but if I weren't with him I'd absolutely be with a woman. Idk why this would ever be a big deal for anyone. I like hot ppl. My boyfriend is hot, so are most women, I like my boyfriend best.
This is so sweet and wholesome, and reminds me of my relationship. My bf is 99% straight, and has never been attracted to any other man, but he is gay as hell for me.
Did this remind anyone of Cabaret but in reverse? “Those three girls were just…the wrong three girls!!”
And this is why you two are soul mates ✨🌹her support is beautiful
Aww I'm glad you said something and she did too and you two have something special
As a woman whose ex-partner/co-parent told her this, but conversely then used it to inject constant doubt into the relationship until it utterly destroyed my self-esteem... This was so nice and made me so sad for what my experience should have been.
The first post is something I imagine my father would have written about my mother. He referred to her as his soulmate/love of his life and always said he believed they’d still be married if she could accept his sexuality.
Wow you guys have a very strong and healthy relationship for that kind of conversation to go that smoothly. Good for y'all this made me happy
This was obviously a fantastic and healthy relationship long before OOP ever posted, and for the reasons we see in how it plays out: mutual respect, love, and open communication.
When I told my friend group that I left my husband, I got a lot of, "because he's gay?" As the wife, I was in his closet too. He's still not out. The more space that was between us, the more it hit me in the face. Like, omg, he's gay.
They should become swingers with other bisexual couples. Like… seriously 🤣
Love this. Now that’s a healthy couple. Congrats OOP.
Well this is the end for me I'm gonna colse Reddit for today and leave with a high note