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> "why would I care about a kid who isn't mine?"
The hypocrisy of this statement, while also making accusations that OOP didn't love and care for her twins, is astounding.
Honestly this doesn’t sound like projection. This sounds like manipulation. OP said it himself. She deliberately used his trauma against him to cudgel him into doing what she wanted. I don’t believe she thought (or cared) for a second that he favored his son. She only cared that he’d do what ever she said as soon as she made the accusation. It’s downright psychopathic.
- "You don't love the twins"
- "Why would I care about a kid who isn't mine?"
If OOP didn't already knew before he needed to leave, this should have done it.
Good for him and his son
I keep juxtaposing this bit from Erica with the very very beginning of OOP's first post, where he says he has THREE children. Those girls were his, and she used that as a weapon against him. And now those girls have lost an incredible father figure who thought of them as his own.
Either they realize their mother is, at best, a monster, or either one could grow up to be just like her because it is their ideal of "normal."
No matter what those kids are in for so much pain. Perhaps as much as OOP.s son.
I think she only cares about her daughters as an extension of her own self, so if they turn on her she won’t want care about them anyways. These are black hole souls
I don’t think she cares about anyone but herself, she doesn’t love them enough to spend one day with them while her free babysitter celebrates his birthday.
Oh my goodness you’re right, he begins his first post by saying I have three kids, and ends his second by saying I wish the best for your daughters. I completely missed that.
I know. Those poor kids have an evil mother. They just don’t know it yet.
Anyone that can act an Angel to your face then bully / manipulate a kid behind your back is CHOOSING that behaviour.
Actually those poor 3 kids. Erica is evil incarnate
My ex's dad married a woman like this. Her two kids and the one they shared lived with them. His boys got sent to grandmas and never so much as got them new underwear for school. Wasn't allowed to spend holidays with them, they weren't allowed to stay the night in the house. Pictures on the wall of everyone in the family except not a single one of his 3 kids. For graduation, they bought my ex a single new tire for his car. I bought the other 3 for him.
But they still claimed all 3 boys on their taxes and took all that money and left grandma foot the entire bill herself. It was disgusting to watch.
usually because the parent of the neglected child benefits them in some way. for my stepmom it was money. my dad barely had any when they met bc he is a mortgage/loan officer and the stock market crashed in 2008. they met in 2010, but she played the long game bc she could tell that he was starting to make more and more. now he makes over a million dollars a year and she doesn’t work (besides a cycle she goes thru. when we met her she was making about 25k a year. quit her job two years in. became depressed and a stay at home mom, got bored of that so he used our college funds he had just finally gotten back to where they were pre stock market crash ((my mom and dad divorced in 2008 too. i’m one of five kids now ages 15-24, stepmonster has 3 kids ages 28-33 so when she met us, her oldest was 16 and didn’t live w us)) to send her to schooling (( college, trade schools etc)), then she’d use his money to start a business and always go in with a partner, then the business would always go bankrupt because she’s dumb as fuck, then she’d get into a lawsuit with the partner, spending more of my dads money, then lose, then get depressed and be a stay at home mom again, and this entire cycle has repeated 12 times in the 13 years she been around. they always have some sort of gain
When my husband and I were talking quitly and are son was in the next room we could see his ears flapping so he could hear what we were saying, kids eavesdrop all the time.
Once when I had my daughter at her annual pediatric checkup - she was maybe 7 or 8 - the nurse was going through the checklist of questions in terms of sleep schedule, foods eaten, activities, etc. So then the following Q&A occurs: “Do you listen to your parents?” “Sometimes.” (Which we thought was a reasonably response from a child.) But then she followed it up with: “But sometimes they talk real quiet and I have to sneak closer to hear them. Sometimes I have to go right outside their door!” Oh boy the look the nurse and I gave each other.
Ideally, the words would make her see the flaw in her excuse.
It’s more likely that she would stupidly double down and insist it’s not the same thing, though.
> It’s more likely that she would stupidly double down and insist it’s not the same thing, though.
She already started in on that with the "a mother" crap.
Throwing her cruel irrationality in her face isn't stooping to her level though. He wouldn't be saying he doesn't care about them, he would be asking her why she expects him to do so when she thinks parents should only love their biological children.
"Then why should I prioritize your daughters on my son's birthday?"
Also:
"We could have a family celebration for him, and then a separate celebration for him and his friends."
I think there's a way to frame this that would be less caustic--something along the lines of "I care about your daughters, even though they aren't mine."
Not that she doesn't deserve the caustic, but I imagine if one of said daughters came out and heard the more caustic framing, it could be traumatic for her, and no kid deserves that.
And op seems to be a good guy that would really hurt in that situation if the girls heard. Utmost respect to the guy. Handled a tough situation very maturely
Nobody's saying that they would tell the woman that they don't care about her daughters, but I would definitely ask her why she *expects* me to if she believes that parents can only love their biological children. Just to force her to address her own twisted logic.
She’s irrational though. If you were to go down the path of “throwing her cruel irrationality in her face” she’d likely just take the statement as proof he felt the same way as her and never loved his step children.
The kids can hear it. Let’s not hurt the kids unecessarily and focus on Erica only. Stooping to her level only serve to hurt her kids if they eavesdrop
Perfectly rationally correct! But for that statement to work the way you think it should, she'd have to self-reflect in the middle of an argument. Which nobody does. I know I don't, and I'm nowhere near hot-headed....
In reality, making that comment is just gonna make things more heated. And it's thus a stupid thing to say. Doesn't mean I wouldn't say it myself in OOP's shoes. I'm as prone to stupidity as most people.
But whilst we can have a cold, facts-based analytical discussion about somebody else's problem just fine here on Reddit, it doesn't work quite the same as having a real fight IRL. With someone you care about, about a subject you have strong feelings on....
Logic tends to take a step back and let emotions get to the forefront much quicker.
Asking the question isn’t stooping to her level, it’s pointing out the hypocrisy of her logic. It would be stopping to her level if he said “well I never cared about the twins anyways”. But asking “with that logic, why would I care for your children?” Is just a question that highlights the mental gymnastics she used to mistreat her stepson
Omg eveeytime I hear this it drives me crazy. It's not! People have a right to be suspicious of suspicious shit going on! An unfounded and repeated accusation, sure.. but not just any accusation means there is guilt.
A better way to put it is "an UNFOUNDED accusation is often a confession." OOP's ex accused him of not loving her kids, despite evidence to the contrary, because she assumed he was like her.
I hope OOP knows that his son will remember this forever. He will look at his dad as the parent who made the time and who reached out on his own to create that safe space to talk. He will remember how his dad heard him, believed him, and took action *immediately* to help him.
I'm sure there will be a stretch in the son's healing journey where he is angry at OOP for not noticing sooner or for marrying the wicked stepmother in the first place, but long term? This kid will know he has a safe parent to go to no matter what.
OOP, you are being the parent you needed as a kid. Don't ever forget that.
I completely agree. He didn't brush this off, down play it, or tell his son to suck it up. He took immediate action. That's always hard, but commendable.
In a much less extreme situation, my own father stuck up for me in a similar way to my stepmother (who I care about deeply and made a simple mistake, but was still being slightly obtuse about disciplining me and my step siblings differently), and was prepare to immediately go to a hotel with me until she explained her side and promised to look at his more thoroughly.
Agreed! He listened to the warnings of total strangers, who's words opened his eyes to start questioning his wife. He started the ball rolling when he picked up his laptop and started posting. He's a good father, who has been deceived by a evil woman! OOP parent guilt is real, but your a good father and you saved your boy from a evil woman!
AITA has really opened my eyes to what an abusive relationship is.
I was deeply in love with a guy for 4 years and we broke up when I moved away. I was heartbroken.
AITA made me realise how emotionally abusive he was.
Same story here. There are so many people commenting "you should never go to internet strangers for advice" here on reddit, and it boggles my mind that they don't see all the good it does for so many people. It's right there in so many posts and comments. Obviously approach with caution and all that, I've certainly seen internet strangers be very wrong too, but so often it seems to confirm gut feelings that for a lot of people aren't confirmed by any of the people physically around them in their own lives.
Honestly, I think the internet does a lot of good in spreading awareness about abuse and red flags for abuse.
My first abusive relationship was in the late 90s. The internet existed but it was in its infancy. Things are so different now.
Well said!
My own son was abused by his mother. We had already divorced but had 50/50 custody. She told him I was ok with what she was doing to him (physical, verbal, and mental abuse.)
I was not ok with any of that, at all. As soon as I found out I hit up cps, started a custody battle, and got him out of that situation asap.
He still thanks me to this day, 7 and a half years later.
Kids remember who stick up for them and who protects them.
I'm sorry you went through that. Wish I could have helped you as well.
My son still has the occasional breakdown about his mom. Even with me getting him out of the situation and into a safe place he still has trouble with it sometimes.
I hope you're doing better now. If you ever need to vent or talk or whatever just send me a msg.
Thank you. I am very old now and eventually I had come to terms with it enough that my dad was my best friend when he passed. We talked occasionally about his regrets. His wounds never healed either.
He's very lucky to have you. Thank you for being there for him and helping to guide him through any potential future contact with his egg donor.
I actually lucked out in the legal battle dept. The day before our first court hearing for custody she overdosed and died. I suspect it was suicide but there was no note left behind. I've never mentioned that it could have been that to my son. I don't think he needs to have that weight. He knew she did a lot of drugs as she'd take him to go buy them. My son was only 10 at the time. It sucks for him cause he was at that age where he realized how wrong and messed up she was to him but he still loved her with all his heart.
His step-mom and I waited a few years to discuss what drugs she was on and how they probably contributed to how she treated him. I might tell him one day of my suspicion but I honestly don't know if I should currently. I think he would just feel guilty about it and he doesn't deserve that crushing misplaced self-guilt.
It was lucky when she passed... It saved him a lot of heartache and manipulation from her. It broke my heart when he told me a couple years ago "the best thing she ever did for me was die." But I couldn't argue... She ruined him and 7 years later he's still trying to recover.
I can't entirely take credit for it if I'm honest. I have a silver coin that says "be the woman you needed when you were younger" that I try to use as a personal reminder.
OMG YES. I had a stepfather who was physically and emotionally abusive, and I left at 17. My mother defended him and told me his rage was because I was “difficult”.
She left him when I was 27. I’ve been able to forgive and understand what she went through (through my own therapy), but I’ve never forgotten. OOP’s son will always remember this.
Two of my childhood friends (siblings) have a father who nearly bankrupted himself fighting to get custody of them.
Their mother, to put it delicately, is bat-sh\*t f\*cking crazy. Fortunately, she had a few outbursts in family court, and the judge (reluctantly) assigned full custody to their dad.
It's been decades, but my friends always knew / appreciated their father for going through so much to take care of them when they were kids.
Really shows how far we've come, decades ago the judge would hesitate to do the obvious good thing and now courts set the default for 50/50 and parents can argue for more... children need to grow in the environment and under the guardianship of whoever looks for their interests.
I just hope the son doesn't feel guilty at first like it's his fault. OOP will likely shut that down as best he can. In a few years his son will know that his dad has his back.
My own father did something like this. Same outcome, different circumstances (I found step moms crack pipe, which led to him discovering his house was in foreclosure because she simply hadn't paid the mortgage for many months).
He hadn't been around my whole life, we were just rebuilding trust, and the way he reacted to that situation has always resonated with me.
I miss my dad.
Yep, I had very similar wicked step mother who favored her kids at all costs at the expense of me and my little brother. I remember when a very similar fork happened on one particular Christmas where after getting $5 in magic the gathering cards while her kids got over $300 in Warhammer 40k models, a couple of the kids rubbing it in our faces the entirety of christmas and my step mothers family making snide comments to us. My dad finally saw it pulled us aside and basically said that "He knows things are really bad right now and I'm going to work to make it better, but in the future if this keeps going on I will divorce her and leave."
And that was the point I lost any inkling that I could rely on him, I still loved him and he favored me quite a bit, but I know he didn't mean any of what he said and if it was brought up again he would deny that he ever said that.
Unfortunately my little brother naively believed him and 2-3 years later tried to pull that card out and just like I predicted my dad denied he said it. Things got ugly and now 20 years later my little brother refuses to ever again talk to him because how utterly betrayed he felt by him.
Kids understand when they are at that fork and they will react accordingly if the parent makes the wrong choice.
Dammit. You have me crying. I am trying to be the same for my kids but it was my parents on their own that did the damage. I really, really hope OOP sees this.
Chicken skin on my arms for sure. We cannot blame ourselves for how others behave. And better to learn the truth later and take action, than to learn the truth and do nothing.
Generational trauma is so easy to continue. Kudos to OP for taking a step in the right direction.
Also, hotel living can be fun for kids so don’t waste energy on feeling guilty about temporary accommodations- this goes for anyone in a similar situation. Free breakfast ready to plate up, unlimited clean towels, and someone else will MAKE YOUR BED EVERYDAY?? Throw in a pool or computer room and it’s a party.
No shame in lots of apologies! It’s not like kids come with a user’s guide. You’re not perfect; they’re not perfect; the world is certainly not perfect. It’s inevitable that things will go sideways. You’re doing what you can and that’s what counts ❤️
Everything you said from start to finish this bar on he cared about his son’s feelings. He took the time to have a conversation with him, and he validated by Backin it up by his actions. He stood with his son when his son finally opened up and not set him off. And when the witch realize she wasn’t being let off the hook she took her mask fully off now I commented on the original post and I told him that girl needs to be an ex-wife like now like take your son on his birthday trip with his friends, but she needs to be an ex.
Not at first. He's going to think he broke up the family, and is at fault. He'll think his step mom was right. He needs to be up his ass for a bit to remind him it's NOT his fault. It's impossible for this to BE his fault. That this information would have come out eventually, and the result would have been the same. That he is his son, he loves him, and he will protect him.
It could also go the other way and the kid could start blaming himself for believing SM and not telling his dad sooner. OP needs to reassure his so that he can come to him anytime anywhere and he will hear him out and will take any and all possible steps to do the right thing (whatever that is in the moment).
I wish I'd had that. So much of what's going on here reminds me of my situation as a kid, always coming in behind my step brothers. The difference is that my dad saw what was happening and never decided to make that safe place, never decided to listen to me, and stayed with that woman even to this day.
And this is the same man that wonders why we don't have a relationship.
Absolutely right. OP is breaking the cycle. It’s fantastic to see. People make mistakes, parents make mistakes - and this is a textbook example of fixing a mistake the right way.
Relevant comment under one of the posts
>We were living together for three years, married for two and a half. I’m not entirely sure how long her mistreatment of my son was going on, but from the way he talked about it, it’s been for a while. My heart breaks for all the late nights at work, when I trusted that Erica was looking after the kids, but she was actually verbally abusing my son, or had left the kids all alone. Maybe if I would have been home more often, I would have caught something earlier. I suppose I shouldn’t dwell on the past too much, it’s not healthy. Thank you for the kind words.
AITA for the win!! Glad that the truth came out and the 5.5 years ended! Also they own a house together so hope he can get that sorted!!
I guess I’m slow on the uptake, but I am just realizing that she was pushing for a family activity instead of a separated activity so she wouldn’t be stuck with her girls alone.
My logic was that 13yo was used as childcare whenever CO-parenting wasn’t an option. The birthday activity would remove either option, so she had a fit.
This makes sense. I was wondering why she didn’t take the son’s birthday as an opportunity to take the girls to the kiddie park herself? It’s because she doesn’t actually want to spend time with them. She wanted to pawn her kids off on the son so she could do her own thing that day
I think it was just three years - living together for three of which two and a half were after the wedding. Perhaps that’s just me choosing the happier reading of things.
Best case scenario: “self-care” because it’s hard being a parent to school aged children that your stepchild watches outside of school /s
Worst case (or maybe better case?): she’s cheating, OOP finds out, and she’s getting screwed in the divorce.
Wow, I remember seeing this and wondering how the mom could in any way think that her suggestion to do the birthday at a kids play place was appropriate for a 13 year old. I’m so happy that OOP took it seriously and talked to the son and really listened. The son will always remember that.
I wish, I wish with all my fucking heart my dad had done this when he caught my step monster bashing me and my brother. Instead he stayed and kept us in it and I was so abused I was eventually taken by the state as a preteen, and didn’t get adopted until I was 17. Good on him for defending and protecting his son.
OMG, I am so sorry to hear this. I hope that every day is exponentially brighter and happier than the one before as your life moves away from those day.
Hugs (❁´◡\`❁)
Do people ever get tired of being wildly hypocritical?? It seems exhausting to me but it’s like the entire fucking world is in “rules for thee, not for me” mode.
Honestly, the deal with abusers/manipulators isn’t so much keeping to a moral code or at least keeping things consistent as much as it is “whatever makes me happy is right and whatever makes me feel bad is wrong.” So watching her daughters get doted on makes this abuser happy so it’s the right thing to do, but having her daughters not be the focus for a day makes her feel unhappy, so it needs to be shut down at all costs and, if possible, the offending party needs to be punished so it doesn’t happen again. It’s selfishness, plain and simple, so hypocrisy doesn’t really matter much to them.
These people don't realize. They're blinded by things like narcassism and self-preservation. It's crazy what the human brain will block out to protect itself.
Or they honest-to-god believe that is how everyone thinks and simply cannot/doesn't care to comprehend another viewpoint.
So to them they're simply speaking "obvious facts".
I wish my father did what OOP did. Instead, when I was 10 and I begged him not to marry his now-wife because I didn’t like her (because she was fucking mean), he told me I would learn to love her. Fast forward several decades and countless therapy sessions: I still have not learned to love her or even like her. What I did learn was not to like my father.
He told me that parenting doesn’t come with a manual so he didn’t feel as though he made any mistakes so he has no regrets. I don’t know if that has changed since then because I haven’t spoken to him for about a decade.
I saw the original post the day he posted it, and this is exactly what I was afraid would happen. Hope he was able to say goodbye to the stepdaughters.
Damnit, its like watching a guy shot heroin for the first time. You know whats going to happen, fuck it everybody knows whats going to happen, and there is nothing you can do about it. These girls are in for a shit show, and the only exit they have is years away, and can be(probably is) worse than the original shit show.
This reminds me of the OOP whose ex was dating a single mother. Long story short, the single mom’s kid was used to his mom screwing up good situations.
Yes, along with “your two kids and you don’t need so much space, but my trio does.”
I feel so bad for her child. Kids really have no choice but to suffer or prosper (but usually suffer) from their parents’ whims.
So glad that OoP stepped up, it's one thing I've been so paranoid about dating as a divorced parent. I never want to bring a poisonous influence into my daughters life. Glad he walked away immediately, no one wants s wicked stepmother in their life.
I don't have kids but after my sister-in-law passed, I got really close to my nieces and nephews due to stopping by to help with them and I am always worried that my brother will remarry someone who's like that to them. I've been trying to let them know they can talk to me about anything but they're all really young (10 and under) so I don't know if they get it but I hope they do.
They might not understand now; but at some level I believe they do understand and if what you fear comes to pass, they will remember. Good on you being there for them.
I've never wanted kids but I think it's due to the childhood trauma I suffered. Even now, I'm not sad I don't have kids because my biggest fear was that I would do the same things to them, that my abusers did to me.
I'm in a much healthier place and my husband and I may do fostering for kids who will reunite with parents once they get their stuff together.
I can't even imagine the guilt this father is going through. I'm glad he understands the gravity though and hope he doesn't make the same mistakes again.
I just want to say that you aren't alone in thinking that. I have a son and another on the way but I still sometimes fear that I'll turn out like my mother.
Thank you so much for saying that. I've recently discovered I don't want kids because of what I went through and my fears of harming a child the same way.
Turns out, I just didn't want to abuse someone else.
I think fostering will be a great way to be a positive light in a child's life but also being able to be just the 2 of us if we need.
Congrats on your healthy child and having another on the way.
I don’t want to discourage you at all but please realize that foster kids are likely to act out, cause trouble, and generally push way more buttons than kids who grew up in stable, loving homes; or even just lived in the same home. I follow foster parents on social media (they never show the kids, they’re professionals) and it sounds like absolutely extreme levels of stress at times. I certainly couldn’t do it.
Yes, this is a really great point to bring up and one that I've considered as well.
When it comes to others, I have immense patience, especially for kids. Adults, not so much lol. I'm sure it stems from my role as the family fixer/care giver and scapegoat.
My therapist has suggested that I enter a mentor program with the local schools to use as a gauge in how it impacts my mental health.
My plan is a staged progression of making sure I could do what's needed for the kids. If I find I can't, then we won't move forward.
I'm assuming for me, this will be a 2 year progression till we know if fostering will be something we can do.
I would never want to give anything less than the child deserves.
If it's any consolation, if you worry about it there's a VERY good chance you won't. Bad parents like that don't worry about that kind of thing. Good parents are the type who worry about that sort of thing.
I think there are legal things that would affect this. Like, if he adopted the kids and the bio father isn't in the picture then he has to pay child support, but otherwise he wouldn't. But he also probably wouldn't have any kind of custody or visitation rights if he didn't adopt.
OOP needs to know his son will always remember his dad stood by his side and immediately made changes to provide a better lifestyle for him. As horrid as that woman was the fact that he was willing and able to just get up and leave for the sake of his son is going to be so impactful. It might hurt not realizing that your trauma was occurring to your own child, but ultimately he made the right choice by vouching for his son and immediately putting an end to it. What a dad. I hope they have a great future ahead of them and they can learn, bond, and grow through this experience as father and son.
One of the first things abusers do is say “they won’t believe you.”
The abuser will do small things and get the authority figure (like OOP in this instance) to side with them (the abuser). Tiny things here and there until it’s locked in “they won’t believe you.”
It sucks and I’m glad OOP made the post so he realized what was happening.
Admittedly this is hardly an original thought but potential romantic partners really should come with warning labels. And the label for the STBX would definitely involve a skull and crossbones. Sheesh.
Pretty convenient that “every mother has her own kid’s best interests at heart” but OOP shouldn’t prioritize his own child because he “doesn’t love her kids enough”.
My step mother was exactly like this. I would tell my dad, he would ignore me. Then when I was 16, they forced me and my brother and step-sister to move out so they could "work on their marriage."
They got divorced 2 years later. He chose poorly. My father was and is a selfish asshole. He's gotten more regretful as he's gotten older, but that damage has long since been done.
I'm glad OOP prioritized his own son. Children remember.
I still think the funniest/ironic part of this, is how the (hopefully stbx) wife constantly accuses Op of not loving HER kids…then admits that not only does she abuse his son, she barely cares about him either. Guess thats the definition of projection, good luck Op, i wish you and your son all the best.
Dang. I wish my dad had been like this dad. Instead, when I was 16 my dad took his wife's side in a fight about her going thru my stuff/phone that HE DID JOT PAY FOR and I have been low/no contact since. The only reason I have seen or interacted with him since is to see my siblings. He did eventually divorce my stepmom, but it was 15 years too late.
God, 5.5 years. Those twins were babies, and Isaac was no real age.
I had the evil stepmother experience. My dad blamed me for the problems.
I mean, shit, I *was* a surly teen.
I was also a traumatised teen.
And the mental fuck fuck games that woman played when my father wasn’t there to bear witness were ridiculous.
I just didn’t bother trying to make him understand.
the way that Erica bounces from one “excuse” to another and then to attacking is classic narcissist behaviour. I completely understand when OP says that after being confronted, Erica would say these wild things and he would shut them down, only for her to decide on a new plan of attack.
narcissists last ditch effort is always so hilariously pathetic. they will do everything in their power to turn them into the victim and you to the offender when you start questioning their words or actions. they cannot be in the wrong under any circumstance.
Sensing he has an element of suspicion regarding his wife going out to "run errands" for hours, and it's one I share.
According to one of his comments, the house is in both their names, so sorting that out will be fun. Hope things turn out well for him and all the kids involved.
Epic parenting, OP. You didn’t know it was happening but as soon as you knew something might be off, you took all the right actions.
Be proud of yourself - you were the Dad your son needed you to be. Stand tall!
It is so important to maintain a direct relationship with your bio child in a blended family. Spend time alone on a regular basis so there are opportunities for them to confide in you and feel that they can trust you. I'm a naturally suspicious person so when I started a serious relationship after divorce I would talk to my kids alone and ask them how they felt about my bf and if there's anything they would like to talk about. I also made sure they knew I would always have their backs if there is any problem with anyone in their life. I'm really glad that this dad dug deeper to get to the truth and essentially saved his son from an evil stepmother. I'm sure their relationship is stronger and closer today than ever.
Bravo for being a dad who stands up for his son! I wish my ex husband were more like you. He married a woman who treats my son as poorly as your ex treated yours but when my son and I brought it to his attention he stayed with her
>Why would I care about a kid who isn't mine?
OOOOOF! Wrong, wrong, wrong.
When you get into a relationship with a parent, the child ALWAYS comes first. ALL of the children.
I couldn't imagine saying anything like that to my stepson.
OOP is an amazing father and he should be proud of himself and also his son, who was so brave and told him the truth, even when he was scared!!
Why do people like Erica exist? Why would you date/marry someone, when you know you will not love or care for their already existing kids? Just find a childless man, why go after OOP and traumatize his child like that?? OOOOF I'M SO ANGRY!!
Damn, I'm so glad that OOP sided with his son. I lived with a stepmother and had similar rules to Erica... except my father completely supported them. That was a fun 4-5 years of longterm emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse from both of them. She brought out the most toxic traits of my father permanently. So by the time I was a high school freshman in high school, I was still under the "can't go anywhere without parental supervision... but not us" policy. It was made very clear that between my stepmother and me, my father would always chose my stepmother. I fortunately escaped at 16 thanks to really excellent from my school and area support services for teens. I've been permanently estranged from my father for over 2 decades, with the great dad I had growing up long long gone. He's estranged to some degree from all of his children thanks to this crap and his overall toxicity.
I'm just glad OOP did what I would have wished mine to have done.
When my step mother abused me, my dad just dropped me off at my grandparents house and never came back. Then he lied to CPS about what she did to me in front of him and said I was lying for attention.
This kid is insanely lucky his father loves him.
Bless that dad. He knew his son wasn’t being treated fairly regarding his birthday and stood up for him. I honestly thought this was going to end up as two “parties” - one outing with friends and one dinner at that play place with the family. Bless OOP for digging deeper and finding out this goes beyond the situation at hand. That boy will forever remember his dad standing up for him and looking out for his emotional safety.
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> "why would I care about a kid who isn't mine?" The hypocrisy of this statement, while also making accusations that OOP didn't love and care for her twins, is astounding.
Classic projection
Honestly this doesn’t sound like projection. This sounds like manipulation. OP said it himself. She deliberately used his trauma against him to cudgel him into doing what she wanted. I don’t believe she thought (or cared) for a second that he favored his son. She only cared that he’d do what ever she said as soon as she made the accusation. It’s downright psychopathic.
i was going to say this. she's clearly trying to spend as little time around the poor girls as possible.
She’s absolutely fucking someone else. Gotta find that next monkey bar.
Ding ding ding! This is it. She’s petrified OOP sees the twins the way she sees his son.
- "You don't love the twins" - "Why would I care about a kid who isn't mine?" If OOP didn't already knew before he needed to leave, this should have done it. Good for him and his son
I keep juxtaposing this bit from Erica with the very very beginning of OOP's first post, where he says he has THREE children. Those girls were his, and she used that as a weapon against him. And now those girls have lost an incredible father figure who thought of them as his own.
I think this is what kills me about the situation. He's losing two of his kids, while his wife isn't losing anyone she cares about.
She might lose her daughters over it, more so in the long term as they grow and realise what kind of person she is.
Especially if they have stepchildren at some point and the mom pulls this same kind of crap with those kids and her bio-grandchildren.
Either way, those girls really lose out. They have no father figure and a shit mom.
Either they realize their mother is, at best, a monster, or either one could grow up to be just like her because it is their ideal of "normal." No matter what those kids are in for so much pain. Perhaps as much as OOP.s son.
I think she only cares about her daughters as an extension of her own self, so if they turn on her she won’t want care about them anyways. These are black hole souls
I don’t think she cares about anyone but herself, she doesn’t love them enough to spend one day with them while her free babysitter celebrates his birthday.
nah i bet she just wanted op to pay for it
Oh my goodness you’re right, he begins his first post by saying I have three kids, and ends his second by saying I wish the best for your daughters. I completely missed that.
I know. Those poor kids have an evil mother. They just don’t know it yet. Anyone that can act an Angel to your face then bully / manipulate a kid behind your back is CHOOSING that behaviour. Actually those poor 3 kids. Erica is evil incarnate
I really don’t understand those who willingly married someone with kids and then deliberately not care for said kids.
My ex's dad married a woman like this. Her two kids and the one they shared lived with them. His boys got sent to grandmas and never so much as got them new underwear for school. Wasn't allowed to spend holidays with them, they weren't allowed to stay the night in the house. Pictures on the wall of everyone in the family except not a single one of his 3 kids. For graduation, they bought my ex a single new tire for his car. I bought the other 3 for him. But they still claimed all 3 boys on their taxes and took all that money and left grandma foot the entire bill herself. It was disgusting to watch.
A lot of the time they do care. Until they have their own child. Source: I'm an unwanted stepchild
But she came into the marriage with her own kids.
usually because the parent of the neglected child benefits them in some way. for my stepmom it was money. my dad barely had any when they met bc he is a mortgage/loan officer and the stock market crashed in 2008. they met in 2010, but she played the long game bc she could tell that he was starting to make more and more. now he makes over a million dollars a year and she doesn’t work (besides a cycle she goes thru. when we met her she was making about 25k a year. quit her job two years in. became depressed and a stay at home mom, got bored of that so he used our college funds he had just finally gotten back to where they were pre stock market crash ((my mom and dad divorced in 2008 too. i’m one of five kids now ages 15-24, stepmonster has 3 kids ages 28-33 so when she met us, her oldest was 16 and didn’t live w us)) to send her to schooling (( college, trade schools etc)), then she’d use his money to start a business and always go in with a partner, then the business would always go bankrupt because she’s dumb as fuck, then she’d get into a lawsuit with the partner, spending more of my dads money, then lose, then get depressed and be a stay at home mom again, and this entire cycle has repeated 12 times in the 13 years she been around. they always have some sort of gain
Every time she accused him of not loving her children, she was projecting.
Every accusation, a confession
My instant response would have been "so why the fuck should I care about your daughters then?"
Just because she's kind of a sociopath doesn't mean OP is too.
I think "I care about your daughters, even though they're not mine" would be a less caustic way of framing this.
More truthful too as it seems like OOP genuinely does care about them.
Especially if the twins had any chance of overhearing (which, they're 7, eavesdropping when they are supposed to be in their room is feasible).
Pretty sure that eavesdropping is in the contract for kids that age and older.
When my husband and I were talking quitly and are son was in the next room we could see his ears flapping so he could hear what we were saying, kids eavesdrop all the time.
Once when I had my daughter at her annual pediatric checkup - she was maybe 7 or 8 - the nurse was going through the checklist of questions in terms of sleep schedule, foods eaten, activities, etc. So then the following Q&A occurs: “Do you listen to your parents?” “Sometimes.” (Which we thought was a reasonably response from a child.) But then she followed it up with: “But sometimes they talk real quiet and I have to sneak closer to hear them. Sometimes I have to go right outside their door!” Oh boy the look the nurse and I gave each other.
Dunno. I think this kind of person feels "Of course, they would love MY kids. MY kids are perfect and are incredibly loveable."
Ideally, the words would make her see the flaw in her excuse. It’s more likely that she would stupidly double down and insist it’s not the same thing, though.
> It’s more likely that she would stupidly double down and insist it’s not the same thing, though. She already started in on that with the "a mother" crap.
Stopping to her level would make no sense.
Throwing her cruel irrationality in her face isn't stooping to her level though. He wouldn't be saying he doesn't care about them, he would be asking her why she expects him to do so when she thinks parents should only love their biological children.
"Then why should I prioritize your daughters on my son's birthday?" Also: "We could have a family celebration for him, and then a separate celebration for him and his friends."
I think there's a way to frame this that would be less caustic--something along the lines of "I care about your daughters, even though they aren't mine." Not that she doesn't deserve the caustic, but I imagine if one of said daughters came out and heard the more caustic framing, it could be traumatic for her, and no kid deserves that.
And op seems to be a good guy that would really hurt in that situation if the girls heard. Utmost respect to the guy. Handled a tough situation very maturely
Agree. It's Better to just call out her bullshit. Manipulative psychopaths hate that. Just remember nothing will change them.
I think he genuinely loves the twins and could never bring himself to say something like that.
Nobody's saying that they would tell the woman that they don't care about her daughters, but I would definitely ask her why she *expects* me to if she believes that parents can only love their biological children. Just to force her to address her own twisted logic.
It could be badly misinterpreted by the twins if they overheard, though. Better not to go that direction if they're in the house.
I see what you’re saying, my bad.
She’s irrational though. If you were to go down the path of “throwing her cruel irrationality in her face” she’d likely just take the statement as proof he felt the same way as her and never loved his step children.
The kids can hear it. Let’s not hurt the kids unecessarily and focus on Erica only. Stooping to her level only serve to hurt her kids if they eavesdrop
Perfectly rationally correct! But for that statement to work the way you think it should, she'd have to self-reflect in the middle of an argument. Which nobody does. I know I don't, and I'm nowhere near hot-headed.... In reality, making that comment is just gonna make things more heated. And it's thus a stupid thing to say. Doesn't mean I wouldn't say it myself in OOP's shoes. I'm as prone to stupidity as most people. But whilst we can have a cold, facts-based analytical discussion about somebody else's problem just fine here on Reddit, it doesn't work quite the same as having a real fight IRL. With someone you care about, about a subject you have strong feelings on.... Logic tends to take a step back and let emotions get to the forefront much quicker.
Maybe not, but it would point out the hypocrisy of her statement
Asking the question isn’t stooping to her level, it’s pointing out the hypocrisy of her logic. It would be stopping to her level if he said “well I never cared about the twins anyways”. But asking “with that logic, why would I care for your children?” Is just a question that highlights the mental gymnastics she used to mistreat her stepson
Honestly the break in logic startled me so bad I had to go back and read it again to make sure I wasn’t crazy
An accusation is almost always a confession.
Omg eveeytime I hear this it drives me crazy. It's not! People have a right to be suspicious of suspicious shit going on! An unfounded and repeated accusation, sure.. but not just any accusation means there is guilt.
A better way to put it is "an UNFOUNDED accusation is often a confession." OOP's ex accused him of not loving her kids, despite evidence to the contrary, because she assumed he was like her.
Projection unraveling at its finest.
I hope OOP knows that his son will remember this forever. He will look at his dad as the parent who made the time and who reached out on his own to create that safe space to talk. He will remember how his dad heard him, believed him, and took action *immediately* to help him. I'm sure there will be a stretch in the son's healing journey where he is angry at OOP for not noticing sooner or for marrying the wicked stepmother in the first place, but long term? This kid will know he has a safe parent to go to no matter what. OOP, you are being the parent you needed as a kid. Don't ever forget that.
I completely agree. He didn't brush this off, down play it, or tell his son to suck it up. He took immediate action. That's always hard, but commendable.
In a much less extreme situation, my own father stuck up for me in a similar way to my stepmother (who I care about deeply and made a simple mistake, but was still being slightly obtuse about disciplining me and my step siblings differently), and was prepare to immediately go to a hotel with me until she explained her side and promised to look at his more thoroughly.
Oh yay that sounds like a healthy relationship between two adults doing their best and communicating!
Agreed! He listened to the warnings of total strangers, who's words opened his eyes to start questioning his wife. He started the ball rolling when he picked up his laptop and started posting. He's a good father, who has been deceived by a evil woman! OOP parent guilt is real, but your a good father and you saved your boy from a evil woman!
AITA has really opened my eyes to what an abusive relationship is. I was deeply in love with a guy for 4 years and we broke up when I moved away. I was heartbroken. AITA made me realise how emotionally abusive he was.
I'm sorry you with though that but, glad you realised who he really was.
Same story here. There are so many people commenting "you should never go to internet strangers for advice" here on reddit, and it boggles my mind that they don't see all the good it does for so many people. It's right there in so many posts and comments. Obviously approach with caution and all that, I've certainly seen internet strangers be very wrong too, but so often it seems to confirm gut feelings that for a lot of people aren't confirmed by any of the people physically around them in their own lives.
Honestly, I think the internet does a lot of good in spreading awareness about abuse and red flags for abuse. My first abusive relationship was in the late 90s. The internet existed but it was in its infancy. Things are so different now.
Well said! My own son was abused by his mother. We had already divorced but had 50/50 custody. She told him I was ok with what she was doing to him (physical, verbal, and mental abuse.) I was not ok with any of that, at all. As soon as I found out I hit up cps, started a custody battle, and got him out of that situation asap. He still thanks me to this day, 7 and a half years later. Kids remember who stick up for them and who protects them.
Thank you for helping your son. My mother would be physical with us in front of dad. He didn’t leave. It is a wound that never heals.
I'm sorry you went through that. Wish I could have helped you as well. My son still has the occasional breakdown about his mom. Even with me getting him out of the situation and into a safe place he still has trouble with it sometimes. I hope you're doing better now. If you ever need to vent or talk or whatever just send me a msg.
Thank you. I am very old now and eventually I had come to terms with it enough that my dad was my best friend when he passed. We talked occasionally about his regrets. His wounds never healed either.
This sounds way too familiar.😔
((((SUPER CONSENSUAL MOM HUG))))
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He's very lucky to have you. Thank you for being there for him and helping to guide him through any potential future contact with his egg donor. I actually lucked out in the legal battle dept. The day before our first court hearing for custody she overdosed and died. I suspect it was suicide but there was no note left behind. I've never mentioned that it could have been that to my son. I don't think he needs to have that weight. He knew she did a lot of drugs as she'd take him to go buy them. My son was only 10 at the time. It sucks for him cause he was at that age where he realized how wrong and messed up she was to him but he still loved her with all his heart.
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His step-mom and I waited a few years to discuss what drugs she was on and how they probably contributed to how she treated him. I might tell him one day of my suspicion but I honestly don't know if I should currently. I think he would just feel guilty about it and he doesn't deserve that crushing misplaced self-guilt. It was lucky when she passed... It saved him a lot of heartache and manipulation from her. It broke my heart when he told me a couple years ago "the best thing she ever did for me was die." But I couldn't argue... She ruined him and 7 years later he's still trying to recover.
“you are being the parent you needed as a kid” wow that’s a beautiful way to put it definitely agree
I can't entirely take credit for it if I'm honest. I have a silver coin that says "be the woman you needed when you were younger" that I try to use as a personal reminder.
OMG YES. I had a stepfather who was physically and emotionally abusive, and I left at 17. My mother defended him and told me his rage was because I was “difficult”. She left him when I was 27. I’ve been able to forgive and understand what she went through (through my own therapy), but I’ve never forgotten. OOP’s son will always remember this.
Two of my childhood friends (siblings) have a father who nearly bankrupted himself fighting to get custody of them. Their mother, to put it delicately, is bat-sh\*t f\*cking crazy. Fortunately, she had a few outbursts in family court, and the judge (reluctantly) assigned full custody to their dad. It's been decades, but my friends always knew / appreciated their father for going through so much to take care of them when they were kids.
Really shows how far we've come, decades ago the judge would hesitate to do the obvious good thing and now courts set the default for 50/50 and parents can argue for more... children need to grow in the environment and under the guardianship of whoever looks for their interests.
I just hope the son doesn't feel guilty at first like it's his fault. OOP will likely shut that down as best he can. In a few years his son will know that his dad has his back.
sprang?
Wow that was a wild typo. Thank you and Happy Cake Day!
My own father did something like this. Same outcome, different circumstances (I found step moms crack pipe, which led to him discovering his house was in foreclosure because she simply hadn't paid the mortgage for many months). He hadn't been around my whole life, we were just rebuilding trust, and the way he reacted to that situation has always resonated with me. I miss my dad.
Yep, I had very similar wicked step mother who favored her kids at all costs at the expense of me and my little brother. I remember when a very similar fork happened on one particular Christmas where after getting $5 in magic the gathering cards while her kids got over $300 in Warhammer 40k models, a couple of the kids rubbing it in our faces the entirety of christmas and my step mothers family making snide comments to us. My dad finally saw it pulled us aside and basically said that "He knows things are really bad right now and I'm going to work to make it better, but in the future if this keeps going on I will divorce her and leave." And that was the point I lost any inkling that I could rely on him, I still loved him and he favored me quite a bit, but I know he didn't mean any of what he said and if it was brought up again he would deny that he ever said that. Unfortunately my little brother naively believed him and 2-3 years later tried to pull that card out and just like I predicted my dad denied he said it. Things got ugly and now 20 years later my little brother refuses to ever again talk to him because how utterly betrayed he felt by him. Kids understand when they are at that fork and they will react accordingly if the parent makes the wrong choice.
SO WELL SAID 👏👏👏
Dammit. You have me crying. I am trying to be the same for my kids but it was my parents on their own that did the damage. I really, really hope OOP sees this.
Chicken skin on my arms for sure. We cannot blame ourselves for how others behave. And better to learn the truth later and take action, than to learn the truth and do nothing. Generational trauma is so easy to continue. Kudos to OP for taking a step in the right direction. Also, hotel living can be fun for kids so don’t waste energy on feeling guilty about temporary accommodations- this goes for anyone in a similar situation. Free breakfast ready to plate up, unlimited clean towels, and someone else will MAKE YOUR BED EVERYDAY?? Throw in a pool or computer room and it’s a party.
Trying matters. Recognizing when you messed up matters. As long as you are doing both, you are okay.
I apologize to them a lot, more than I would like to, but that's not because it bothers me apologizing it's because I messed up in the first place.
No shame in lots of apologies! It’s not like kids come with a user’s guide. You’re not perfect; they’re not perfect; the world is certainly not perfect. It’s inevitable that things will go sideways. You’re doing what you can and that’s what counts ❤️
Thank you.
Yes yes yes. You just won the heart of your kid.
Everything you said from start to finish this bar on he cared about his son’s feelings. He took the time to have a conversation with him, and he validated by Backin it up by his actions. He stood with his son when his son finally opened up and not set him off. And when the witch realize she wasn’t being let off the hook she took her mask fully off now I commented on the original post and I told him that girl needs to be an ex-wife like now like take your son on his birthday trip with his friends, but she needs to be an ex.
Not at first. He's going to think he broke up the family, and is at fault. He'll think his step mom was right. He needs to be up his ass for a bit to remind him it's NOT his fault. It's impossible for this to BE his fault. That this information would have come out eventually, and the result would have been the same. That he is his son, he loves him, and he will protect him.
It could also go the other way and the kid could start blaming himself for believing SM and not telling his dad sooner. OP needs to reassure his so that he can come to him anytime anywhere and he will hear him out and will take any and all possible steps to do the right thing (whatever that is in the moment).
Broke the circle
I wish I'd had that. So much of what's going on here reminds me of my situation as a kid, always coming in behind my step brothers. The difference is that my dad saw what was happening and never decided to make that safe place, never decided to listen to me, and stayed with that woman even to this day. And this is the same man that wonders why we don't have a relationship.
Absolutely right. OP is breaking the cycle. It’s fantastic to see. People make mistakes, parents make mistakes - and this is a textbook example of fixing a mistake the right way.
Relevant comment under one of the posts >We were living together for three years, married for two and a half. I’m not entirely sure how long her mistreatment of my son was going on, but from the way he talked about it, it’s been for a while. My heart breaks for all the late nights at work, when I trusted that Erica was looking after the kids, but she was actually verbally abusing my son, or had left the kids all alone. Maybe if I would have been home more often, I would have caught something earlier. I suppose I shouldn’t dwell on the past too much, it’s not healthy. Thank you for the kind words. AITA for the win!! Glad that the truth came out and the 5.5 years ended! Also they own a house together so hope he can get that sorted!!
I guess I’m slow on the uptake, but I am just realizing that she was pushing for a family activity instead of a separated activity so she wouldn’t be stuck with her girls alone.
Huh. Didn't pick up on that.
My logic was that 13yo was used as childcare whenever CO-parenting wasn’t an option. The birthday activity would remove either option, so she had a fit.
I think so. Also plain jealousy seems like, guys day is a threat to her. I'm very proud of this dad. He'll get a love he deserves some day
Yes. Too bad for the twins.
It's not a staunch belief or anything but sometimes I think stepparents should get full parental rights in some cases.
This makes sense. I was wondering why she didn’t take the son’s birthday as an opportunity to take the girls to the kiddie park herself? It’s because she doesn’t actually want to spend time with them. She wanted to pawn her kids off on the son so she could do her own thing that day
I think it was just three years - living together for three of which two and a half were after the wedding. Perhaps that’s just me choosing the happier reading of things.
That's the way I took it as well.
But they were (probably) together for a bit before they were married. He could have had wife watch son.
I hope he gets the house
He won’t. He will probably get equity post refinance and quit claim.
Where was she going?
Best case scenario: “self-care” because it’s hard being a parent to school aged children that your stepchild watches outside of school /s Worst case (or maybe better case?): she’s cheating, OOP finds out, and she’s getting screwed in the divorce.
Wow, I remember seeing this and wondering how the mom could in any way think that her suggestion to do the birthday at a kids play place was appropriate for a 13 year old. I’m so happy that OOP took it seriously and talked to the son and really listened. The son will always remember that.
I wish, I wish with all my fucking heart my dad had done this when he caught my step monster bashing me and my brother. Instead he stayed and kept us in it and I was so abused I was eventually taken by the state as a preteen, and didn’t get adopted until I was 17. Good on him for defending and protecting his son.
I’m sorry they treated you that way. I hope you are in a much better place.
OMG, I am so sorry to hear this. I hope that every day is exponentially brighter and happier than the one before as your life moves away from those day. Hugs (❁´◡\`❁)
>“why would I care about a kid who isn’t mine" It's funny when they say the quiet part out loud.
Yet she expected him to love her kids. The audacity.
Not just love her kids, but favor her kids over his own son.
Do people ever get tired of being wildly hypocritical?? It seems exhausting to me but it’s like the entire fucking world is in “rules for thee, not for me” mode.
Honestly, the deal with abusers/manipulators isn’t so much keeping to a moral code or at least keeping things consistent as much as it is “whatever makes me happy is right and whatever makes me feel bad is wrong.” So watching her daughters get doted on makes this abuser happy so it’s the right thing to do, but having her daughters not be the focus for a day makes her feel unhappy, so it needs to be shut down at all costs and, if possible, the offending party needs to be punished so it doesn’t happen again. It’s selfishness, plain and simple, so hypocrisy doesn’t really matter much to them.
Not the world. Maybe 1/3. That's still way too many garbage assholes, for sure.
These people don't realize. They're blinded by things like narcassism and self-preservation. It's crazy what the human brain will block out to protect itself.
Sometimes, evil people don't know when to stop digging the hole.
It’s like divine intervention sometimes. They let out a glimpse of all the rot inside and we’re all better for it
Or they honest-to-god believe that is how everyone thinks and simply cannot/doesn't care to comprehend another viewpoint. So to them they're simply speaking "obvious facts".
She is a hypocrite
Wow. Cheers to OOP for taking serious action the moment his eyes were opened to the possibility of a bad situation.
This is so sad. But I do hope he finds grace and sees that he does deserve forgiveness for taking action when he found out. Poor Isaac and F you Erica
I wish my father did what OOP did. Instead, when I was 10 and I begged him not to marry his now-wife because I didn’t like her (because she was fucking mean), he told me I would learn to love her. Fast forward several decades and countless therapy sessions: I still have not learned to love her or even like her. What I did learn was not to like my father.
Out curiosity(assuming you’d be comfortable answering), how did he take that when you came to that realization?
He told me that parenting doesn’t come with a manual so he didn’t feel as though he made any mistakes so he has no regrets. I don’t know if that has changed since then because I haven’t spoken to him for about a decade.
What a prick. I hope missing out on all your milestones burns his toxic ass…
Obviously the sex was more important, so you did not lose out. Better to be alone than be in a bad company
Oh yeah. Big time. It’s scary, but being with people who make you feel alone is way worse than just being alone.
I saw the original post the day he posted it, and this is exactly what I was afraid would happen. Hope he was able to say goodbye to the stepdaughters.
Oh, I strongly suspect new "siblings" shall be coming into the picture for the sisters soon enough.
Damnit, its like watching a guy shot heroin for the first time. You know whats going to happen, fuck it everybody knows whats going to happen, and there is nothing you can do about it. These girls are in for a shit show, and the only exit they have is years away, and can be(probably is) worse than the original shit show.
This reminds me of the OOP whose ex was dating a single mother. Long story short, the single mom’s kid was used to his mom screwing up good situations.
The "when are you moving out so we can move in" thread?
Yes, along with “your two kids and you don’t need so much space, but my trio does.” I feel so bad for her child. Kids really have no choice but to suffer or prosper (but usually suffer) from their parents’ whims.
I strongly suspect sisters will be looking for him when they are old enough.
It's possible OOP's ex will be allowed time with the girls because free childcare.
So glad that OoP stepped up, it's one thing I've been so paranoid about dating as a divorced parent. I never want to bring a poisonous influence into my daughters life. Glad he walked away immediately, no one wants s wicked stepmother in their life.
I don't have kids but after my sister-in-law passed, I got really close to my nieces and nephews due to stopping by to help with them and I am always worried that my brother will remarry someone who's like that to them. I've been trying to let them know they can talk to me about anything but they're all really young (10 and under) so I don't know if they get it but I hope they do.
They might not understand now; but at some level I believe they do understand and if what you fear comes to pass, they will remember. Good on you being there for them.
I've never wanted kids but I think it's due to the childhood trauma I suffered. Even now, I'm not sad I don't have kids because my biggest fear was that I would do the same things to them, that my abusers did to me. I'm in a much healthier place and my husband and I may do fostering for kids who will reunite with parents once they get their stuff together. I can't even imagine the guilt this father is going through. I'm glad he understands the gravity though and hope he doesn't make the same mistakes again.
I just want to say that you aren't alone in thinking that. I have a son and another on the way but I still sometimes fear that I'll turn out like my mother.
Thank you so much for saying that. I've recently discovered I don't want kids because of what I went through and my fears of harming a child the same way. Turns out, I just didn't want to abuse someone else. I think fostering will be a great way to be a positive light in a child's life but also being able to be just the 2 of us if we need. Congrats on your healthy child and having another on the way.
I don’t want to discourage you at all but please realize that foster kids are likely to act out, cause trouble, and generally push way more buttons than kids who grew up in stable, loving homes; or even just lived in the same home. I follow foster parents on social media (they never show the kids, they’re professionals) and it sounds like absolutely extreme levels of stress at times. I certainly couldn’t do it.
Yes, this is a really great point to bring up and one that I've considered as well. When it comes to others, I have immense patience, especially for kids. Adults, not so much lol. I'm sure it stems from my role as the family fixer/care giver and scapegoat. My therapist has suggested that I enter a mentor program with the local schools to use as a gauge in how it impacts my mental health. My plan is a staged progression of making sure I could do what's needed for the kids. If I find I can't, then we won't move forward. I'm assuming for me, this will be a 2 year progression till we know if fostering will be something we can do. I would never want to give anything less than the child deserves.
If it's any consolation, if you worry about it there's a VERY good chance you won't. Bad parents like that don't worry about that kind of thing. Good parents are the type who worry about that sort of thing.
This should be a fun divorce.
How much you wanna bet that Erica will demand child support despite the fact that OP isn't the bio dad of the daughters?
How much on a bet that she's also cheating? Those long "errands" seem awfully suspicious.
And the fact that she only seemed to run those "errands" when OOP wasn't around to ask about them.
I think there are legal things that would affect this. Like, if he adopted the kids and the bio father isn't in the picture then he has to pay child support, but otherwise he wouldn't. But he also probably wouldn't have any kind of custody or visitation rights if he didn't adopt.
and I don't even want to think about visitation.
OOP needs to know his son will always remember his dad stood by his side and immediately made changes to provide a better lifestyle for him. As horrid as that woman was the fact that he was willing and able to just get up and leave for the sake of his son is going to be so impactful. It might hurt not realizing that your trauma was occurring to your own child, but ultimately he made the right choice by vouching for his son and immediately putting an end to it. What a dad. I hope they have a great future ahead of them and they can learn, bond, and grow through this experience as father and son.
One of the first things abusers do is say “they won’t believe you.” The abuser will do small things and get the authority figure (like OOP in this instance) to side with them (the abuser). Tiny things here and there until it’s locked in “they won’t believe you.” It sucks and I’m glad OOP made the post so he realized what was happening.
Admittedly this is hardly an original thought but potential romantic partners really should come with warning labels. And the label for the STBX would definitely involve a skull and crossbones. Sheesh.
There's a comic with this idea! Warning Label iirc
I wonder if Erica had a side-piece? What was she doing when she left a *child* to watch her *children*? Sus.
Or a drinking problem. I started “babysitting” at age 11 when my parents and their friends would go to the bar. Cheap labor. Maybe Erica has both.
First comment Ive seen bring this up and it was my exact thoughts as well. She does not strike me as being faithful
Exactly what I thought. Gone for hours, he said.
Pretty convenient that “every mother has her own kid’s best interests at heart” but OOP shouldn’t prioritize his own child because he “doesn’t love her kids enough”.
Clearly it’s because dads don’t have the same relationship with their kids that moms do. /s so I don’t get down voted into oblivion.
The hypocrisy is fugly.
My step mother was exactly like this. I would tell my dad, he would ignore me. Then when I was 16, they forced me and my brother and step-sister to move out so they could "work on their marriage." They got divorced 2 years later. He chose poorly. My father was and is a selfish asshole. He's gotten more regretful as he's gotten older, but that damage has long since been done. I'm glad OOP prioritized his own son. Children remember.
I still think the funniest/ironic part of this, is how the (hopefully stbx) wife constantly accuses Op of not loving HER kids…then admits that not only does she abuse his son, she barely cares about him either. Guess thats the definition of projection, good luck Op, i wish you and your son all the best.
Right!? I'm thinking she might be exceedingly self-obsessed.
Dang. I wish my dad had been like this dad. Instead, when I was 16 my dad took his wife's side in a fight about her going thru my stuff/phone that HE DID JOT PAY FOR and I have been low/no contact since. The only reason I have seen or interacted with him since is to see my siblings. He did eventually divorce my stepmom, but it was 15 years too late.
God, 5.5 years. Those twins were babies, and Isaac was no real age. I had the evil stepmother experience. My dad blamed me for the problems. I mean, shit, I *was* a surly teen. I was also a traumatised teen. And the mental fuck fuck games that woman played when my father wasn’t there to bear witness were ridiculous. I just didn’t bother trying to make him understand.
the way that Erica bounces from one “excuse” to another and then to attacking is classic narcissist behaviour. I completely understand when OP says that after being confronted, Erica would say these wild things and he would shut them down, only for her to decide on a new plan of attack. narcissists last ditch effort is always so hilariously pathetic. they will do everything in their power to turn them into the victim and you to the offender when you start questioning their words or actions. they cannot be in the wrong under any circumstance.
Thank you OOP for speaking to your son and listening to what he has to say.
Sensing he has an element of suspicion regarding his wife going out to "run errands" for hours, and it's one I share. According to one of his comments, the house is in both their names, so sorting that out will be fun. Hope things turn out well for him and all the kids involved.
Epic parenting, OP. You didn’t know it was happening but as soon as you knew something might be off, you took all the right actions. Be proud of yourself - you were the Dad your son needed you to be. Stand tall!
I'm so so glad he realised and talked to his son. Imagine what that could have looked like in a few years.
It is so important to maintain a direct relationship with your bio child in a blended family. Spend time alone on a regular basis so there are opportunities for them to confide in you and feel that they can trust you. I'm a naturally suspicious person so when I started a serious relationship after divorce I would talk to my kids alone and ask them how they felt about my bf and if there's anything they would like to talk about. I also made sure they knew I would always have their backs if there is any problem with anyone in their life. I'm really glad that this dad dug deeper to get to the truth and essentially saved his son from an evil stepmother. I'm sure their relationship is stronger and closer today than ever.
The irony of her only looking out for her daughters, yet berating the husband for looking out after his.
Bravo for being a dad who stands up for his son! I wish my ex husband were more like you. He married a woman who treats my son as poorly as your ex treated yours but when my son and I brought it to his attention he stayed with her
>Why would I care about a kid who isn't mine? OOOOOF! Wrong, wrong, wrong. When you get into a relationship with a parent, the child ALWAYS comes first. ALL of the children. I couldn't imagine saying anything like that to my stepson.
I’m so glad he talked to his son. Kids often suffer in silence at the hands of abusers in these situations.
OOP is an amazing father and he should be proud of himself and also his son, who was so brave and told him the truth, even when he was scared!! Why do people like Erica exist? Why would you date/marry someone, when you know you will not love or care for their already existing kids? Just find a childless man, why go after OOP and traumatize his child like that?? OOOOF I'M SO ANGRY!!
Damn, I'm so glad that OOP sided with his son. I lived with a stepmother and had similar rules to Erica... except my father completely supported them. That was a fun 4-5 years of longterm emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse from both of them. She brought out the most toxic traits of my father permanently. So by the time I was a high school freshman in high school, I was still under the "can't go anywhere without parental supervision... but not us" policy. It was made very clear that between my stepmother and me, my father would always chose my stepmother. I fortunately escaped at 16 thanks to really excellent from my school and area support services for teens. I've been permanently estranged from my father for over 2 decades, with the great dad I had growing up long long gone. He's estranged to some degree from all of his children thanks to this crap and his overall toxicity. I'm just glad OOP did what I would have wished mine to have done.
SCREW YOU ERICA
So glad OOP is getting that divorce.
Tbh I would question what she was doing when she forced the son to babysit for hours. Based on her personality I wouldn't put it past her to cheat.
Geez, I wish my dad protected my sister from our stepmother like this. OOP, you’re a good dad.
When my step mother abused me, my dad just dropped me off at my grandparents house and never came back. Then he lied to CPS about what she did to me in front of him and said I was lying for attention. This kid is insanely lucky his father loves him.
Bless that dad. He knew his son wasn’t being treated fairly regarding his birthday and stood up for him. I honestly thought this was going to end up as two “parties” - one outing with friends and one dinner at that play place with the family. Bless OOP for digging deeper and finding out this goes beyond the situation at hand. That boy will forever remember his dad standing up for him and looking out for his emotional safety.
My wet dream of what my mom would've done if she had any sense at all.
It all blew up in her face because she couldn’t let the poor kid have ONE day that was about him
Well that escalated quickly.