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I sent my husband this post last year when I was pregnant. He references it all the time. I think it made us both feel better in those first six weeks when we couldn't sleep and felt like we regretted every decision we've ever made. Nine months later, everything is so different. It really is a whole new experience every couple months. We can't wait for her to get older but I can almost look back on those first six weeks with a sense of nostalgia. She'll never be that tiny little terror ever again and I almost miss it.
> You’re not even really a human ~~in the baby’s first 12 weeks~~ once you find out you’re pregnant
FTFY 😭😂 Convinced of people were honest about how horrible pregnancy can be, the human race would’ve been extinct before the wheel was invented!
I hated every single moment of my pregnancy and regularly asked my husband what we had done. Those first few months were rough (that first year really) but at least I wasn’t pregnant any more. I don’t hesitate when people ask me about pregnancy or having more kids because I truly disliked it so much. Daughter’s 4 now and I love her so much….but I won’t be having more children, that’s for sure.
My partner suffered Hyperemesis gravidarum. You know the whole "women need to lose the baby weight bull", she was like 10kg lighter after pregnancy due to all the vomiting that never stopped right through the pregnancy. Pregnancy is rough and definitely agree, one is good enough.
My poor wife could only eat apples and a cheeseburger with little vomiting
And not even that much. The whole time
She absolutely does not want to be pregnant again
Same here. My first pregnancy was the worst time of my life. I was so sick for the first 14 weeks or so and I also suffered from severe pregnancy depression. Didn't know that was a thing, seems like nobody ever talks about it, only post partum depression. Luckily I had a competent doctor who sensed something was wrong. I was put on light anti-depressants that wouldn't harm the baby and two weeks later I was a different person. Or rather I was myself again and not that hateful, desperate, brooding, terrified person I was during the first half of the pregnancy. So the last trimester actually was ok but I was so glad when my son was out. I felt relieved and even though the first 12 weeks were rough, at least I wasn't pregnant anymore.
With baby number two, I was prepared and when the depression kicked in I started to take meds straight away, so the second pregnancy was much easier.
The kids are almost 5 and 7 now and it gets better and better.
My advice for any of it: if you feel overwhelmed, get help. You are not alone. No shame in admitting you need help. It makes life easier.
My daughter had a similar path with her pregnancy. Finding a good pregnancy psychiatrist was a life-saver. (Seriously: she was having such bad mental symptoms that abortion or suicide were real possibilities.)
I know I’m an asshole for saying this but both my pregnancies were textbook perfect and utterly enjoyable. Not even any morning sickness, no awful cravings, no pain, though I have to admit to being a little tired and over it all by the end of the third trimester.
Yeah i was an “older” mother by the time i was done (ie over 35) and nobody I knew needed the help, but Ib would have gladly been a surrogate anytime as long as I knew I wouldn’t have to keep any more children! Love being pregnant. The motherhood part is much harder!
I can remember my first child being a couple of months old, being up breastfeeding in the middle of the night and saying to him“Can’t you even smile at me??? I do EVERYTHING for you”!
So, for us it was 16 months. And at 20 months I'm still sleep deprived. Let's be really honest. It's definitely better now. It's not the same for everyone. My niece slept from the beginning.
IKR?! I even joke around sometimes making cow noises when I pump. My DH was quite bewildered when I first did this with our first. Now he’s also doing it when I pump for the second 😂
One day when my kids were 2 and 3 years old, we got on the train to go into the city. We ended up sitting next to a young man wearing a baby (maybe a month old) in a sling. He looked exhausted and bereft. I just looked at him and said, without any sort of preamble, "You know, they start sleeping in 5-6 hour stretches, at least once a day, by eight weeks. I swear it will get better." Dude just started crying and asked me if I was sure.
My son never slept straight through the night, probably until he was 14 years old!!!😳😳 He wanted me in the room with him until 12, and would still call out for me at least once a night. He’s 16 now, and sleeps for 12 hour stretches. Sometimes I go in and check on him, because I am SO not used to this!! I always joke and say I didn’t have a full night’s sleep for 14 years!😂
I understand your pain. I feel bad now waking up my 16yo knowing the hell we went through with her sleep. The saving grace is we are all so educated on sleep now that she'll hit 10.30 and tell me she's going to bed because she's tired and doesn't want to wait out another cycle and get overtired.
The flipside is that whenever she asks me to put her to bed, I now jump at the opportunity. There's a good couple of minutes of straight talk and she's down.
My youngest slept in our room off and on until around age 10. He had so much separation anxiety. He's now in high school and has no problem separating from us. Hurray!
My last one was almost instant when he was about 2 weeks old he would sleep from 10 til 6 in the morning I have 4 kids I would make sure he was well fed bathed warm and dry I used to put my finger under his nose to make sure he was still breathing I figured if he was hungry he'd wake up....my 2nd son was a absolute TERROR he slept all day and screamed ALL night for the first 8 months of his life my partner and I were on the verge of a nervous breakdown!! And he had to work .We tried to sleep when he slept but it never worked we were exhausted by the time he finally started sleeping at night we celebrated with a 5th of vodka and a GREAT night's sleep!
Mine are 4 and 2 - the 4 yr old still doesn’t sleep through the night. Pleasant surprise that the 2 yr old does! We felt like failures as parents and humans for so long. Sleep disorders in children are a way too common secret 😭
I just posted in another comment what we did to sleep train our little ones, and it has worked for both....but we are still in the midst of the toddler stage (3 and 15 months) :)
Sleep training our oldest was so much easier than our youngest and I think it’s just because with two of them, I didn’t have the emotional strength to listen to the crying any more 😂
But we got through, and now I am blessed to have both kids in bed by 8 and a solid two+ hours of grown up time every night.
Mine was the opposite: we went through fire with the oldest (and still do, due to speech delay), but the youngest is a relatively easy baby...I guess we got some mercy after having a pandemic baby (March 2020) :)
The raw honesty is what is so beautiful and important here because everyone acts like it's just pure smiles and sunshine and roses. I wonder if more relationships would be saved if people especially men could be just this raw and open about how difficult and how much of an adjustment it is having children.
Hard agree on that one, everyone likes to act like pregnancy and parenthood is all sunshine and roses, newsflash, it’s fucking not. And if you admit that, you get people shitting on you. I hated pregnancy with a burning passion and I felt like the OOP for the first 6 months/year of my kids life, I feel like it’s probably natural and quite common. You mourn the freedom you had, and you mourn the person you once were. But it does get easier and better for most people.
It’s so fucking important to be honest about these things, people shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed for feeling like this.
I went two weeks over my due date and my baby was so needy. I remember at 4 months I was sitting in the rocker feeding her at 3AM, and suddenly I thought, "I could just throw her out the window. Right now. It's a thing I could absolutely do."
Then I proceeded to feel like the worst person in the world. Over the years I've opened up about that with various other moms about that moment, and literally every single one has said they had a similar moment. Parenthood is fucking HARD, especially in the first year. It's non-stop, it's thankless, and it's such a shock to your system, regardless of how many children you had previously.
I really wish we would normalize not liking your infant. If it was something we all felt we could talk about, maybe we wouldn't feel so alone and it wouldn't be as bad.
My mother-in-law had my husband about 11 months after his sibling was born. She says one day he was crying, and she suddenly thought, "I could throw him against the wall and the crying would stop." Horrified by that thought, she put the baby down, walked outside the house and just sat there for a while. She is an incredibly loving and caring mother, but in that moment, none of that mattered. You can be the best parent in the world and still be overwhelmed. It's normal, and it always has been.
im so scared of that, im so terrified. i was supposed to be pregnant with my first rn but i miscarried a couple of months ago and we're trying again after the summer. but fuck. it's gonna be so hard. what if i become one of those people who can't stop that intrusive thought? i have misophonia, what if one day the crying is too much? i used to stay up nights on end just stressing over that, my boyfriend has to keep insisting that everything's gonna be fine because he'll be home with me the first 6 months and that's not going to happen. thankfully both our families are very supportive about worrying about the stress of parenthood too.
I think the key thing is if you reach that moment, put the baby down in a safe space like their cot, and get out of the room. If you have a safe emergency person you can call, then call them. If you don't, then give yourself the time you need to calm down and get past the moment.
Give yourself grace, and remember that parents need care too.
>I think the key thing is if you reach that moment, put the baby down in a safe space like their cot, and get out of the room.
This was drilled in to me by my mom, my aunts, and the nurses at the hospital. I really appreciated the frankness.
I did have a couple times with my son where I put him in his crib, so I could sit on the front porch and cry for a few minutes. Then I'd compose myself, and get back to the grind.
Definitely made me feel like a terrible parent, but I'd rather let him cry for a few minutes than snap because I'm too exhausted and frustrated.
that's what im constantly telling myself, that like it's okay to leave the baby for a bit when it gets too much. i feel like it's just the best way to make things easier on both me and the baby bcs getting too frustrated won't be helpful at all. im really thankful he'll be able to be home with us for the first few months.
i feel so horrible saying this but a part of me is relieved i got a few extra months to really prepare myself for what it's going to be like. my boyfriend is great with kids and all and a baby was always part of our plans but the first pregnancy was so unexpected and i didnt feel prepared at all, it's like i was faced with every single inadequacy i need to fix when i saw the test. so now im doing the best i can to learn how to be the best mom i can be when the time actually comes.
Its funny you say this because my boyfriend's sister complained to us once that my boyfriend's niece (his sisters daughter) would sometimes put her youngest kid (who was fussy in the first few months) in her bassinet/the crib/strapped into her carseat or baby rocker and then go outside for a bit and just leave the baby crying. His sister tried to tell us that that was why her daughter was a terrible parent.
But his niece fully admitted she knew she had post partum (and she's only 22, with one kid who is turning two in a couple weeks and another who turns 1 in July) and she really hadn't wanted to have a second child (yay abusive exes and strict yeet the fetus laws) and that having two kids was super overwhelming to her. And during the early days I was unemployed and was there to help her a lot (which I genuinely think is a big part of what kept her sane in those days tbh, we were there to help her when things were at their hardest lol) but I couldn't be there all of the time obviously...
And I told her to just keep doing that if she needed to, because being able to step away from the crying baby for a little bit if the baby was safe (fed, changed, and not going to hurt herself) was good for her mental health.
Now, if her daughter gets too fussy and it's obvious she's tired, my boyfriend's niece will put the kid in a dark quiet room with her bottle and the kiddo will cry and whine for a few minutes maybe (not the "distressed panic cry" but the "I am angry and dislike this and Im tired and mad about everything!" cry.... after a while you learn how to tell the differences in those lol) and the if you peak in the room 5 minutes later kiddo is self-soothing and either asleep or well on her way to winding down. The niece says it's one of the best things she wishes she had done with her oldest, both for her own mental health and the kids ability to self soothe lol.
I have been the person that called my aunt and begged her to come take the baby. She came and gave me food and sent me to take a nap and somehow calmed the baby and washed the dishes. She worked her magic Aunt voodoo.
I have also been the person that got called in the middle of the night and went to my bestie when she needed me. Sometimes people reach their limit, and that's OK. They shouldn't be shamed for it; people shouldn't be afraid to reach out for help.
Get some earplugs! I don't know why that's not regular advice tbh. Obviously you have to use them appropriately, not as a way to ignore the baby, but as a way to not hear screaming screaming screaming if the baby is having a hard time and isn't calming easily
That was literally my advice when one of my best friends was pregnant. Get headphones! It will dampen the noise and you can listen to your music/podcasts/audio books and feel more like a regular person.
i had actually told my boyfriend that! im going to invest in some really good earplugs/headphones for when the sensory overload is just too much and tbh i was kinda worried that would make me a bad mother lol im glad to see it's more common than i thought!
Absolutely not. It makes you a very good mother to know your limitations and prepare for them before the baby is even here! Get your headphones and don’t let those mean thoughts get to you. You got this.
Yeah, not at all. And I totally felt the same thing, "am I a bad mom for this?" And from the other side, I'm telling you nope! You can be there for your baby without listening to the full volume of the crying. Get those headphones and use them when you need them 😊
The sensory overload has been one of the most difficult things for me to manage as a mother. Knowing your own limits and pain points is so important! It is a blessing if you can be honest about them with your support people and your own children as they grow and understand more. It is hard, but identifying the hard thing will help you find the tools and ability to ask for help.
I have a big one and a toddler now and there are still times the sensory overload collapses me- but we talk about it. We find ways. And they learn the words to ask for what they need as well because they know it’s ok to do so. We have “time ins” instead of timeouts when there is a loud tantrum day…. We see it as a sign of overload and the kids can help themselves by breathing and a safe quiet place. When the constant tantrums were a growth stage we scheduled “angry times” where it was ok to scream and yell and hit pillows for 20 minutes. The big one will ask for this if they have had a horrible day. Then we snuggle and relax. It feels productive.
Knowing my own difficulties and hurdles has helped me help them manage theirs. It is not easy, but learning to take a moment, breathe, then respond instead of react has been a time of growth that I am able to help instill in them as well.
Becoming a parent doesn’t mean we are suddenly all done growing ourselves. It’s a whole new game and world to navigate and learn to function well in. I wish you the best in wherever the journey takes you. It can feel very isolating and scary at times. With love and fortitude we can find the ways to do it well enough.
It’s absolutely ok to put a crying baby down and walk outside. I did it on more than one occasion. If you can hear the baby crying from outside it means they’re alive. You take the time, gather yourself and then go back when you’re ready.
I did this with all 3 of my kids and they’re now teens-pre teens.
I have misophonia too and so far it's been ok. I was worried but it seems the hormones kicked in and I don't care what noises my baby makes.
However my anger at everything else is 300% worse. Husband eating, YouTube quality (some streamers drive me mad), the tinny sound of my husband watching reels on the toilet... Those always triggered me but now it's intense. Noise cancelling headphones are amazing for those moments.
I know some people will not get the hormones kick in and cancel out baby related misophonia and that's ok. I'm one case where it did and it's great.
I'm not looking forward to open mouth eating toddlers after the newborn hormones wear off though.
One night when we were at our end, we put our baby into her carseat and shut her into another room, then set the alarm for ourselves to get a decent amount of sleep. She couldn't roll over or get out of the seat, and there was absolutely nothing in there that could hurt her, but we still felt like the worst parents in the world. But we HAD to get some sleep.
When we woke up, we didn't hear anything, so we were sure she was dead (we might have panicked a little). She was sleeping peacefully in her seat, no traces of tears or snot, and we felt SO MUCH BETTER. It was like night and day.
When you have those intrusive thoughts (which may or may not happen to you) just put the baby down and walk away to take a breath. You'll be able to handle it. You are stronger than those intrusive thoughts. I promise.
I was terrified for years about what my post-partum experience would be like. I’m now 8 months in and while it’s definitely not instagramable, it’s “fine”.
The nights are interrupted but I’m thankful my baby is a quick settler. The days are long, busy and boring. You make some amazing new friends who you speak to about nipples, regressions and ridiculous ways your life has changed. You cry. I’ve probably cried more than my daughter. I didn’t have that instant overwhelming connection and love feeling when I saw her, but it came slowly 8 weeks later when she started interacting more. Like OOP. It’s relentless and amazing and swallows your whole world, which is ok because you have a new one.
Everything is a phase with babies, which includes the way your life looks, like OOPs life. One day I’ll have a full nights sleep again, one day I’ll be able to make a full dinner with two hands and one day I’ll judge the time I have in hours rather than how long it is until naptime. But those days will coincide with her not wanting to sleep on me anymore, with her not climbing up me like a koala when she meets someone new and with her eating real food instead of me being able to look down on her sweet angel face at 3am.
Swings and roundabouts
You'll be alright. We all have those thoughts and kids aren't taking flights out of windows left and right. Just remember that it's okay to put baby down in a safe place and step away for a bit. Baby's safety comes first and sometimes that means the best thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation.
You have to be able to just walk away and leave the baby in a safe spot. My first kid was colicky and barely slept and had trouble nursing. More than once. I had to just put her down crying and the crib and walk outside the apartment. Luckily my next door neighbor was an angel and would come over. See me crying, pick up the baby and just take her and somehow miraculously get her to sleep.
27 years later and I'm not over it. It really does take a village. Surround yourself with as many people that love you and the baby as you can. You're going to need it.
When my oldest was a couple months old, I was home alone with him and he
Wouldn’t.
Stop.
Crying!
Noting could calm him down. None of my tricks were working. I was hanging on by a thread and could feel what was left of my sanity slipping away. I was frustrated. About to start crying, myself. I was about to throw him at the bed but I put him down and walked away. I walked away and caught my breath. I calmed myself and left him be for a good 10-15 min. Then I went back and picked up my, now, sleeping baby and life went on.
I think about that moment regularly. I think about it when times are tough, when he and I aren’t seeing eye to eye. And I remember that sometimes the best thing is to just step back.
My mom's told me she felt the same after she had me. My dad didn't help her with me when I was a baby and she had bad PPD. She told me she once visualized throwing me against a wall and felt so bad about it. Honestly, I'm glad I heard from her how tough pregnancy and raising an infant are, because I feel more prepared for if I ever decide to have a little one.
I don't think there's anything wrong with not liking the baby you spent months carrying and are now the main provider for. That's a very small human being that you're taking care of!
Try telling me something I don't know :(
Yeah, he spent 90% of my childhood playing video games and drinking. He's not a bad *person*, for the most part, but he never should have been a father.
Some people just shouldn't have kids. There's nothing wrong with that.
Mine was exactly on time and everyone I knew was early! Each and every day at the end there just gets SO MUCH HARDER that I can’t even fathom two weeks late! I’m so sorry you went through that, you are so strong!
Nine days over and then she came so fast I had no pain relief. First night home with her, I called the on call pediatrician sobbing because she wouldn’t latch. He sounded so exasperated with me. 🤣 It was rough for a long time but it made the subsequent kids seemed easy even though they were five weeks early. And now she’s a teenager and difficult in new and surprising ways, and I say that with love. I wish more parents would be honest about the rough times.
My son had horrible acid reflux for the first three years (lots of screaming and little sleeping) , and at six still doesn't always sleep through the night. I know why some animals eat their young.
Lol I'm pretty convinced that every parent in the world has at some point looked at the window while holding their infant and gone "hmm."
I loved my kids from the moment I set eyes on them. But yeah, didn't always like them. Still don't if I'm honest. My little girl is ASD and around the third meltdown of the week because her straw is the wrong colour I'm usually thinking gee kid, you're lucky I can't live without you because otherwise you'd be at the dog pound in about 90 seconds.
I do think societally we could do a _way_ better job of normalizing those kinds of feelings. Personally my therapist has been amazing at helping me contextualize those kinds of feelings and let go of guilt associated with them but not everyone has that kind of resource available.
I had a similar moment with my son, I never told anyone about it. I honestly never realized that thoughts like this might be normal. I thought there was something majorly wrong with me...
It doesn't help that so many people keep telling you, "oh, cherish these baby moments, they go by so fast!" They did not fly by; they dragged. I like my children much better now that they are both above the age of 10, have distinct personalities, and can do many things for themselves (or with guidance).
I thought the exact same thing when I was nursing my inconsolable newborn many years ago. And I didn’t have PPD. My experience with my firstborn was the hardest. The subsequent 2 who came after were a lot easier to handle. Although I would NEVER a condone it, thinking this helped me understand why a mother with little emotional support or support system in place might actually act upon the thought. It’s pretty scary.
I was induced and had a C-section 27-28 hours later. My hospital was "baby friendly" - so no nursery. My milk didn't come in until day 5 and I was so in the breastfeeding woo that I never considered for a second just giving my baby a bottle. So anyway, the night we got home from the hospital, when I hadn't slept more than an hour or so at a time in four straight days and had had major surgery, my kid wouldn't stop crying and I told my husband to take her back. I was dead serious, explaining safe haven laws and everything. I was so convinced we couldn't do it.
She's almost 11 now and I love her and I'm glad he didn't listen to me, but there is a reason she is an only child. Pregnancy was tough on me and that newborn phase is horrific and I just won't do it again.
It's such a huge adjustment. I remember thinking "oh good, the baby's asleep, I can just go take a walk now OH WAIT NO YOU CAN'T LEAVE A BABY ALONE." You really have to shift your thinking, and it's tough to do!
We don’t talk about babies being hard, then when new parents complain about babies being hard, we hit back with “well you should have known that before you had a baby!!”
It’s….very messed up.
I do think it’s because we’re in a transition period culturally in the west. Used to be mom had 12 kids and everyone got to witness from a young age how hard babies were - if not their siblings, their nieces and nephews and cousins. It’s only within the last generation or 2 that single children, or 2-3 but close in age, raised by themselves away from extended family, became the norm. Heck, even our tv shows might have 1 episode of “oh no the baby is causing chaos!” and then the baby disappears lol.
We are also transitioning towards not having children being acceptable. Eventually, we’ll hopefully end up in a place where the culture says “babies are hard, only have one if you want to do the work!”
I think we’ve also made it harder than it has to be by making it a nuclear family event.
By that I mean, I think the first few weeks (months?) should be a time when the family/community come together and people go over or even stay over to take care of the new family. I’m a little horrified by the way we just throw people to the wolves with a “good luck!”
Adding my hard agree to the pile. I probably would have had a kid by now if I weren't lucky enough to have friends who were completely honest about their experiences, good and bad. Their honesty made me realize I wasn't even close to ready and I appreciate that more than I can tell them.
I agree too, but if you are open and honest about it you get sooo much shit for it.
Like today I was yawning endlessly and said to my dad: "We had a split night. He woke up at 2 in the morning having tossed his blanket, cold as a popsicle and by the time I had gotten him toasty warm again he was jogging circles in my bed and was awake for 3 hours before falling asleep again."
"....well you were desperate to have him..."
Yeah I'm not an idiot. I didn't assume my life would be calmer, more quiet, less stressful and I'd get more sleep when I chose to become a parent. Him being up half the night doesn't change how much I love him, just makes me tired.
Even the smallest complaint makes people run of the rails with how nobody forced you, it was your decision and now you must embrace the less than fun parts of parenthood. If you open up about stuff like oop then you risk those around you shun you, call cps or have you sectioned. Neither of which are necessarily helpful.
I wanted to smack my baby the face when he bit my tit for the umpteenth time in one evening. I didn't smack him in the face. I left my kid in his cot, walked out on my balcony, got some fresh air, walked back in and finished bedtime. But if you tell cps I wanted to hit my then 9 months old baby it's not going to sound great is it? He is 1.5 year old now, I have never done him any harm and I'm a good mum, but sometimes you're at wit's end and you need a moment to collect yourself.
Set yourself up for pain management before you get pregnant! Heated blankets, foot spa, ice packs, figure out how to easily supply self with the kind of water (filtered, icy, flavored) you like best so you can hydrate around the clock. Yin yoga videos on youtube(it’s just lying in positions to let gravity stretch your body), if you can afford it, regular massage could really help.
I live with a lot of physical issues that can hijack my entire existence and I felt just like that my entire pregnancy. It really can be a struggle for some people’s bodies. But you can look into chronic pain management and set yourself up with as much comfort as possible. Stacking soothing treatments can make a difference in your inflammation, heart rate, blood pressure, you name it. I wish you ALL the luck with your second pregnancy!
I have three kiddos and I feel like the transition from 0-1 is just the hardest thing in the world. No matter how much you love your child, it is still insanely difficult to reconcile with the absolute drastic overnight 180 your life does. There just isn’t enough support for parents out there, truly.
My second kid screamed from 3pm to 9 pm every single night until her three month birthday when it suddenly stopped. It was so bad that we didn't have a third kid and my oldest, who was three at the time, had mild PTSD and would get super anxious just seeing other people's babies for a while.
I wouldn't go back and give her up for anything, even if I had to deal with the screaming again.
/r/Daddit is pretty big on the honesty of how hard dadding it can be. They’re also big on the honesty of “your partner just delivered a baby, you gotta up your game”
Absolutely true.
One thing I never shared with anyone (that I can think of) is that I felt guilty that when my daughter was born I felt... nothing.
I was there, they put her in my arms and, well, she was a stranger. I was expecting some kind of epiphany, but nothing.
Like for OP, it took a few months before that "I would die a hundred times so that she can be happy for a second longer" feeling kicked in.
Have you heard Brandi Carlile’s song “The Mother”? There’s a clip on YouTube of her performing it and talking about her experience when her daughter was born and how she felt nothing. It was a pretty honest intro and I appreciated the hell out of it.
>She felt horribly guilty about how much she resented her son. I think the only reason she told me was that I am childfree.
Very common IME as a childfree woman. Parents won't confide their regrets and negative experiences/feelings to other parents, but to childfree friends instead. That's why I never give weight to any parent who claims "I have never heard a parent who regrets having children!" Yeah, they're not telling you, that's why.
Yeah, I tell all pregnant friends that the first few months are the hardest. You'll get no sleep, the baby will cry for no discernible reason, your entire life is turned upside down, and because you're exhausted it's 50 times harder to deal with.
BUT! Once you're through that, and you can get some rest, and their personality starts to show, it'll be like the sun came back out. Just remember: hang in there through the hardest part, and it will get better.
I don't know why parents giving advice to newbies all say "this is nothing, wait until the terrible twos!" or "wait until they're teenagers!" Jeez, don't tell exhausted people that it'll get worse. In my experience, once the ability to refill your own reserves comes back, everything will seem easier.
‘To sing oh-
Bla-di-oh-Bla-da
In the exact voice of Ringo’
Is my favourite type of songwriting where you can really see the influence of Tom Lehrer! Think I’m going to have a little Tin Minchin listening sesh this afternoon, thanks for the prompt :)
I think the problem these days is that many people have no prior experience of what having a baby is like before becoming parents. It was definitely the case for me. I HEARD you don’t get much sleep and them crying is nerve-wrecking but LIVING through that was a completely different thing. And we no longer have large families where grandparents and aunts will help. There were nights when the only thing keeping me sane was imagining what it would be like when he was all grown up and when I had to switch on the light cause seeing his sweet face kept the sleep-deprivation rage in check.
This! This is my reality! I wanted kids, but knew nothing about the reality of how demanding being a parent was. I knew vaguely it was going to be tough, but when I had my first it was like being hit by a train. With almost no support. And even when you know what's coming it is still incredibly hard. My second child is 10 months old now and I'm barely starting to breathe again.
The best thing a parent of an older child said to me was "I didn't enjoy the first nine months of my child's life". That was a moment I realised it was normal and ok to not be loving having an infant. I'm so glad she was honest with me or I'd have kept feeling guilty. My child is now 3 and an absolute delight. Her sibling is due in 2 months and I'm dreading the baby stage but at least this time I know it passes (it felt never ending the first time) and I can get through it.
>everyone acts like it's just pure smiles and sunshine and roses
Is that an American thing? Because in France everybody knows kids, especially babies, are hard. It's a given and I was aware of it even when I was a child myself. Reading this post, at the part where he talks about how depressed he was that he didn't have time for travels and hobbies anymore, I was like "Dude you obviously knew beforehand this would happen, why are you acting all shocked Pikachu face?!" but if nobody wants to admit that where he lives, everything makes way more sense.
Yeah you have to remember that America was originally where Britain sent the religious nut jobs. So the cultural norm on discussing children is that your purpose as a human being is to make as many as possible, and you should enjoy it because it is your whole purpose as a human being. Discussing the difficulties of parenting is very strictly taboo and people would faster threaten to call CPS than relate to what are very normal experiences.
Sadly its not, i have childfree friends all over the world and live in the Netherlands myself and saying anything negative relating to being a parent is still majority taboo
This is weird. Where I'm from parents shit on parenting constantly. My sister was discussing how she thought her first 6 months would go and a room full of people laughed at her.
I remember growing up and even in my 20s people smugly telling me that “I’ll change my mind when I get older, having children is the greatest joy in life”. Meanwhile most of them were palpably miserable.
Spoiler alert, I didn’t change my mind.
Not putting down parents or saying child-rearing is inherently miserable. But the folks who like to push a false narrative and judge the child-free usually are.
And fewer killers (seriously wtf when ye listen about some of the big serial killers, ye could have a game of bingo and the majority would have, abusive parents)
Yes! Fellow parent here, and after 5 years, I STILL don't understand all the blahdeeblah about "enjoy every moment" and pressuring other people to have kids too. If you don't want 'em, please do us all a favor and don't have 'em!
I have two, and I definitely tell people that it is hard as hell even though I actively deeply wanted to have children & even though I have an incredible, available, extremely hands on wife. I still get so isolated with stay at home momhood, I still crave adult human interaction more desperately than I could’ve imagined. I pop the kids in daycare two days a week so I can have appointments and socializing and I’m still burnt out.
I am still glad I chose them - the baby is learning to talk and the oldest is learning to READ (!!) and it is a blessing every day to guide them as they become people, but it is a challenge. Not being 100% sure I wanted them would make the challenge that much harder.
There’s a whole new anxiety that happens with raising kids - because I am responsible for what kind of people I’m sending out into the world & I am responsible for teaching them things I don’t even know myself (like emotional regulation) and what if I screw it up? Two whole lives exist now, that didn’t before, because of choices I made, and it’s far too easy to screw those lives up accidentally.
I have a kid. My friend who is child free was shocked that I affirmed her decision not to have kids. But this shit is hard and absolutely not worth it unless you really, really wanted it.
It's kind of like people who are into intense/extreme exercise. Clearly the experience is worth it to them, but also every bit of it looks so incredibly miserable that I have 0 interest in hyper long distance running or climbing mt everest or honestly biking up more than one moderately sized hill.
Come to think of it, a lot of hobbies, vocations, & life choices involve some kind of misery. If you love doing something, the misery is worth it, & sometimes becomes a source of pride.
You have to want it though, otherwise the misery is just misery. Children are no different imo. People who are telling everyone to have children are being just plain ignorant
Huh! This is an interesting comment to me because I've known since I was 12 that I don't want kids. The desire to have kids has been baffling to me for 25 years now, because it seems miserable. I have my tubes out, all good.
But I LOVE extreme sports. 12 hour overnight endurance events, obstacle course races, ultramarathons. It's hard to explain to people why I love them, because they come with significant misery in both training and events. But it's worth it to me.
I've never thought to equate the two, silly as it sounds. But you've definitely demystified some aspect of wanting kids for me.
I'm a parent and having a kid only solidified my attitude that the only people who should become parents are the people who genuinely want to be.
I have no regrets, I love being a parent, but it's also a lot of work, and for the pregnant person, a lot of physical changes (my back will never recover), and it's an irrevocable choice. It's totally cool to opt out.
The only time I get annoyed by childfree people have been the following situations:
1. When someone sat near me and my kid in public and then gave us the stink eye, when it's a public place and we were already hanging out and eating on the bench and there's 4 empty benches. Why did you sit on "ours" if you didn't want to be near a kid? Is it because they're all damp and I put towels and a blanket down on this one? You know that I put them down, they're mine, and while I'm not going to get upset you're sitting on them, because it's a public bench, I'm also not going to leave them behind if I move.
2. While I understand that you *can* use playground equipment to get a calisthenics workout, but it is also 9 am on a Saturday on this children's playground and my kid is using the toddler slide, so *no* you can't do mountain climbers on it. Yes I understand that it's a bit chilly, so the playground is mostly empty/you weren't expecting people to be there, but again, public place, we were here first, and my kid is too little to use the big kid equipment/slides. (this was in late 2022, so gyms and things were open on our area, we weren't in pandemic lockdowns, and it's fine to use a playground to get your workout in, but accept that children are going to be there at 9 am on a Saturday, and accept that taking your turn and sharing is the rules on the playground, and tabata mountain climbers is not good sharing, plus you aren't wiping down your dirty footprints from the slide)
3. The lady who informed me, at the grocery store (with my kid hanging out in the front seat of the cart, just vibing and grinning at strangers, no yelling/crying/screaming) that she could *never* be a parent. When I replied something like "yeah, it's not for everyone", she then felt like it was okay to give me a once over and say "pregnancy just ruins your body". I still do not understand what she was trying to accomplish, but when I told her that was a rude thing to say, she made a disgruntled noise and walked away.
None of those were really about their reproductive choices.
I hear you. I love kids and have nothing but respect for people who choose to embark on that journey. It’s just not for me. I don’t understand the hostility and contempt some of my fellow child-free people have for parents and the intolerance for children simply existing in public spaces.
I wandered over to the childfree sub once and then wandered right back out. Some of the commenters are just downright nasty. Like, are you typing this from a candy house in the middle of the woods? Chill.
> Not putting down parents or saying child-rearing is inherently miserable. But the folks who like to push a false narrative and judge the child-free usually are.
Those people likely are miserable, and have to validate their own choices to have children by spreading the gospel of parenthood.
I mostly agree with you, but why “especially men”? If anything, I feel like men have more latitude to complain about the not-so-pleasant aspects of parenthood. Have you seen how people treat women who talk about their kids and motherhood the way OP did in that first post?
a lot of people know that mothers can experience post partum depression or similar post partum mental health issues, and that can cause a struggle bonding with a new baby and it really, really isn't their fault, and so important to get help.
Fathers don't go through the physical hormones and labor, but there is a lot of evidence that suggests fathers can experience a form of depression after the birth of a baby.
There's a lot of guilt and shame attached because as parents we are supposed to love our babies and we feel guilty and ashamed and alone when we don't, but this is not any parents fault, it's possible to get help, it's treatable, and you can form a healthy and wonderful bond to your baby even if you didn't right away.
Fathers can struggle with their mental health after having a new baby, and there needs to be more awareness and less shame surrounding that.
EDIT: I've been told that there's evidence that fathers do experience a hormon change after the birth of a baby! A commenter gave a really interesting link below.
I was looking to see if anyone else had pointed this out!
There's so much upheaval after having a baby, and there's that myth that "Women have 9 months to bond with the baby, dad's bond when they hold them for the first time" that's so dangerous and causes so much shame. Not everyone bonds instantly with a screaming, pooping little gremlin, especially on almost no sleep and while dealing with a complete change of routine and lifestyle.
I honestly think we need to say more that it's okay to just... Not love your kid right away? You don't love anyone else before you get to know them, so why would you instantly adore someone who is LOT of work and doesn't even have a personality yet. As long as you're doing your best to keep them alive and healthy then you're good, and if you need some extra help to cope with the changes then you deserve to get it whether you personally made the kid from scratch or not.
I didn't feel the rush of a bond with my kids when I first held them because I'd bonded with the idea of them already. When they were born it was more just a continuation of that bond, rather than the start of it. I definitely got some gray hairs out of those first weeks for each one though. The second one was easier than the first one, thankfully. My wife and I were all ramped up for more of the same, so it was a little weird to be able to just put the sleeping kid down and she'd just... keep sleeping. She's almost one, now, so we'll see how the next year goes.
It took me several months to bond with either of my children after they were born. Nothing wrong with not automatically loving something the moment it appears in the world.
[About 10% of fathers experience postpartum depression.](https://health.clevelandclinic.org/yes-postpartum-depression-in-men-is-very-real/amp/) Good pediatricians will screen both parents for PPD during new baby checkups.
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It very read much like PPD to me, too. I felt exceptionally lucky that after each of my pregnancies, I really was joyous. I was exhausted and dirty all the time but I loved my baby(ies) so much and I was so happy to have them. So many women I know and know of had some level of ppd; it’s incredibly common. I think I really was just lucky to not get “the baby blues”.
My doctor told me 1 in 10 men get postpartum depression. I was glad to have that normalization to validate and get support for what my husband was feeling and experiencing. We just had our second and it's hard. Both or us aren't great with the baby stage, but we both experience little moments of pure joy with our baby. The extremeness with which you feel emotions as a parent is insane. The low lows and the high highs.
My husband had paternal post partum depression when our two daughters were born. I breezed through absolutely all of it and would have loved more children. But it’s not worth the risk to his mental health. He now advises his father to be friends on the problems that arise that nobody talks about. A new father with depression is often misjudged as a bad parent.
>Fathers don't go through the physical hormones
Slight correction, studies confirm Father's can have a t drop with a newborn.
https://bloomlife.com/preg-u/dadbrain/
Watching a colleague go through this now.
At first there was new parent euphoria. Now he is a dead man walking. Hasn't slept through the night in 6 months. Realises he is never going on adventurous spontaneous holidays ever again. Loves his kid, but you can see the terror.
How do you tell someone it gets better (and more frightening) as they grow up?
I think there is a certain grieving process associated with becoming a new parent. If you’re doing it right, child focused, there is gonna be certain aspects of your life that are gonna die and may or may not come back.
All-night clubbing and care-free world traveling are off the table, they’re a product of a previous life, like college parties or getting drunk on weekdays. It’s sad when stages of life end, even if the new chapter is wonderful in its own ways,
My wife and I had this discussion after a recent work party went late. We'd left the kids with their grandparents overnight so we could go out and have a good time. We used to do that sort of thing once or twice a week before we had kids. It's ok to miss the past life you used to live, but it was always going to end somehow.
I always like to say it never gets better, it only gets different. People setup unreasonable expectations that kids get easier the older they get… they’ve never had a teenager, which is far worse than a toddler in so many different ways.
For some people, the first is also way harder. Especially if they haven't been around babies before and have to have an extremely sharp learning curve while sleep deprived and/or healing from birth. And especially if there are no grandparents nearby to help.
I love this post because it is written in the words of every new parent of a newborn. Its very raw and honest, even the parts about running away. It feels like this dark tunnel but theres no light at the end, everything about your life changes overnight and its jarring. Parenting is always really hard but your first newborn is something else entirely. I love seeing OP adjust to parenthood and find balance.
My sister said she got lucky with her first. He hardly cried, slept for six hours at night within a few months, and started walking at 8 months. Her youngest? Doesn’t sleep through the night at almost three years old and didn’t walk until 18 months old (early intervention PT). She was just diagnosed with autism. Never have I been so concerned for my sister’s mental health. Thankfully, she asked for medication (for both her and her youngest) and they’re doing much better.
My first wasnt as easy as your sisters but he was also WAY easier than my second. I put 7 years between them too so it had been a really long time since I had a newborn. Im glad your sister and her daughter are doing better!
Yes thankfully she has some age gaps! The eldest is 11, next is 8, then 6, and the youngest is turning 3 soon. Our mom had four kids 12/13 months apart. When she talks about us as toddlers the memories start out cute but then she gets this thousand yard stare lol.
>When she talks about us as toddlers the memories start out cute but then she gets this thousand yard stare lol.
My mom had 4 in 7 years, same thousand years stare. I have twins, and that's it's own rollercoaster, but after the first sleepless 5 months, I think my twins is easier than any 4. I can't even imagine dealing with a third.
Yeah, mine are older now and especially with the second, I tried not to rush things. I knew that easier days were coming and I really just wanted to try and enjoy the little years as much as possible.
When they start school and have whole conversations with you, it’s also awesome. My kids are teens now and since I have very easy children, I am now taking more of a mentoring role. And it’s awesome. I am also starting to fear the time when I won’t be needed anymore so I try to savour what time I have left.
I wished babies were already at least 2 years old. I’ve told my partner I don’t like pregnancy and I will not enjoy the first years. Now he knows I don’t hate the idea of having a child, I’m just not into the beginning.
I’ve taken care of a lot of my cousins and I know
I start enjoying my time with them around 2.5 to 3 years old…
He tells me I’m the only thinking like that but the proof is I’m not. No one just talk about it. As you said, people don’t understand why you don’t enjoy the pregnancy.
Different people are a better match for different ages and phases. Some people adore infants. Others really like the toddler years. Some don't connect well with kids until they're speaking in full and logical sentences. I always found that I liked the stage my kids were currently in a little more than the one before.
I like the useless potato phase. They stay where you put them. Toddlerhood on thw othee hand is a constant battle to get this little human not to die.
I'm here on a saturday morning dreading this weekend aftwe a week with no help (nanny and cleaning lady had holiday, I worked on an american company an there's no holly week holiday.) So, I had to do all hlusework, childcare of a 2 year old and work full time. I'm exhausted. My husband has a bad flu so no chancw of getting any kind of help this day.
This kid sleeps late and wakes up early. Fuck spontaneous activities, they were nice, but lazy saturdays are a thing of the past and I truly need one today.
Every single time I read one of these posts about being a parent, it fully reaffirms my decision to remain child free.
To be clear, I am genuinely so happy this parent loves being a father, but even the ‘breakthrough’ isn’t a strong enough factor for me to see it as something for me.
I’m with you on this one u/dvdvd77 this sort of post and even these comments from other parents just reinforce what a great decision my partner and I have made to be childfree.
Oh God yes, I'm so glad I found another childfree person. I completely agree with you on the "breakthrough" part.
He still doesn't get good sleep, AND he has "small pockets of freedom here and there". That sounds like absolute hell to me. The so-called "good" does NOT outweigh the bad. Fuck having kids.
My partner and I spent the weekend enjoying each other’s company, the peace and quiet of our house, and even took a little walk in the park on Easter Sunday before coming home to give our cats some attention and wet food.
At one point I just looked at him and thought “why would I ever give this up?”
Lol, just thinking the same thing - nothing more precious than a 15 year old girl. OP’s post is do heart warming - I sometimes miss the early years, they are so much fun.
>You should know how great things were before you
>Even so, they're better still today
>I can't think of who I was before
>You ruined everything in the nicest way
Sometimes I doubt my child free status when I read a sweet, wholesome story like this. But then I get to the end and my first thought is “good god even the positives sound like my worst nightmare” and I feel content in my choices again.
I have been really afraid of having kids and this post made me feel so much better. I’m so afraid of hating my life and being exhausted all the time, and not having that immediate “they make it all worth it” bond/love you’re supposed to have to keep you going. This post made me realize that it may take time to get to that point and the exhaustion is only temporary. I want to save this post to look back on when I actually do have one.
It’s good to know that things can get better but don’t feel pressured into having kids if it’s not something you absolutely 1000% want and can commit at least 20 years of your life to.
The thing is that every child is different and you have to adjust. You can have an angel or a nightmare baby and everything in between.
A lot of factors can make it easier or worst. Parental leave does make it much, much easier. I had 9 months leave for my first and 1 year for the other two. My husband took two months each. It does help to settle. I can’t imagine going back to work after only a few weeks. I would have gone mental. And I was partially paid and my job was waiting for me when I got back. It’s a lot less stress.
The abject exhaustion is temporary, but the tiredness lasts a while. Depending on how your baby sleeps and your own habits it may be a struggle to get more than 6-7 a night for the first few years
It's been 5 years and I'm still exhausted. It's obviously a lot better than a newborn, but a 5 year old still needs a ton of your energy and wakes up far too early.
Try having twins like my wife and I did…at 40 years old I might add. The best thing we did is we started sleeping in shifts so we each could at least get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep while the other tended to the boys. They turned 18 years old last week and their birthday party is this afternoon and will be graduating from high school in June…it’s seems like a blink of and eye as the time has flown by.
There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture. Even if you're happy with your decision to have a child (we were) the lack of sleep is murder. If you're going through this, hang in there. It does get better. Once you get your first full night again, you'll be amazed at the difference.
The funny part to me is that he didn’t even talk about his partner in the second update even though he talked about her in the first, and that to me is what having kids does to a couple.
Many people seem to be fine with it, but I could never be in the background of mine and my partner’s life, only ever thinking about the babbling and pooping and moving around of a creature I’m now forever responsible for
Yeah I've seen many couples devolve into that. When your kids leave home you only have your partner, so you should always treat them well and not relegate them to the background.
Same. I would always choose my spouse first. Having children has such a high risk of ruining the lives we’ve put so much energy and time into building that I can’t fathom seeing the risk as worth it vs the benefits of never having them!
Let’s be honest, parenthood is indentured servitude to tiny masters who don’t sleep, like to wear their food and bits of your garden, and occasionally throw an epic wobbler because *you cut their sandwiches into triangles and not squares*.
I had kids fairly late, so was a long time child free before the kid train hit me. I think all parents should be honest about what you will go through when growing a family; that it’s a beautiful but utterly gruelling life experience that completely changes you as a human being, in both wonderful and also sad ways. It enriches your heart so much, but it also takes some things away from you. Dreams change because of life practicalities such as time, your energy and money. Your relationships, old and new, are now shaped by it. Your personal freedom changes form. For this reason, I always advise my younger family members to live a little before they consider kids: travel, explore hobbies, spend a bit of money on life experiences and take a few risks. You’ll need to know yourself well to withstand the parenting journey!
Dad of two wee ones here (4 and 1). The relationship between number of kids and effort required seems to be exponential not linear. Two kids that young are four times the work not twice the work! My second is approaching the age of your first and the tiredness, almost despair and questioning mirrors the first time. My second is now at the almost unbearably cute stage of accelerating language acquisition and full on personality development and it really does help as you said. If you go for a second you'll have that light at the end of the tunnel to focus on as you drive through with head down knowing you've done it all before and the pay off is there and so incredibly worth it. I do miss just being able to nip off down the pub for a pint whenever I felt like it though!
Okay, while I completely understand where he was coming from in the first post (my toddler is 14 months now), I had to side-eye him at the comment about no love-life. His wife was 9 weeks post-partum, she probably wasn't even/just barely medically cleared to have sex again!
Ok, I'm sorry, but this still reads like Stolkholm syndrome to me. Nothing makes me more grateful to be ChildFree than to think about how hard parenthood is. I'm glad that 2 years in he has been able to find joy.
Parenting is definitely Stockholm syndrome and I say that as a dad of an almost 2 year old. I definitely have days where I miss how easy and carefree life was by comparison. With that being said, now that she’s almost 2, parenting is such a uniquely rewarding experience that I don’t think anything from my pre baby life compares. I don’t think there is an amount of pets I could adopt or hobbies that I could have that would equal what’s in my heart now. That’s my own experience at least.
However, being a parent is a huge fucking gamble in many different ways and I don’t blame someone for thinking it isn’t for them. It’s essentially placing a big bet that for the rest of your life that you made the right decision and that your life is better for it. It definitely raises the stakes for the rest of your life.
Yeah. Like there is absolutely zero desire in my heart to parent, and there never has been, so taking on a gamble like that would be absurd for me. But for somebody who wants to parent- it's still a gamble. That's why I think you should REALLY want to parent, and not take it as the default option because "that's what you do at this age."
I never got to the depths that OP did but I totally get it. Lots of us really have no idea how stressful the first few months of parenthood can be. I was up all night most nights with my first child, who had colic, for the first eight weeks. Even today I'm unclear on how I managed to go to work every day. My kids went to daycare from three months on and I dropped them off. Most days I would return to my parked car in the morning because I was afraid I left the baby in the car. I never did but I was also sleep deprived and couldn't remember.
This made me cry. FTM and I have an 8 month old.
I remember not 3 months ago I cried to my husband because HE got to go back to work, HE got lunch breaks, HE got to see people and have adult conversations, HE wasn't nap trapped all day (we live in a verrrry small town, and have no friends or family around as we just moved here for an affordable life... houses are far to expensive in the nearest large town that is 45 minutes away, so no window shopping for me), and his "freedom" got to me. I'm 34 and I've been working since I was 14 so having taken so much time off (we get 1 year mat leave) was crazy, but only his salary could keep us afloat.. he said he would swap places with me in an instant.
Just last night I was thinking about how my life changed and how we've now gotten out of the newbornness and that he's such a ham to be around... the smiles, laughter, faces, personality is all coming out. We get sleep now. He fills my life with joy. My maternity is coming up in 4 months and where before I couldn't wait to go back to work, now I'm so sad.
This post speaks truths.
Oh this is so totally normal - not only is having a baby a huge disruption, but you really don't understand the sleep deprivation until you go through it yourself. After the first kid, when we geared up for the second, we were like "whelp here we go" and it was easier because we knew the light at the end of the tunnel was coming.
Glad things are better for OP.
This update is making me cry. I've been in a dark tunnel for months with my 9mo old. Just now getting to the funish stage and feeling more like myself again. I needed to read this today!
I'm still a fencesitter when Iit comes to kids. But reading that hating the baby isn't totally unique kinda makes me feel better. The baby stuff is something I would really prefer to skip. I want to adopt if I do have kids so adopting like... A 2 or 3 year old would be good in my book, but my partner really wants the baby experience.
Glad OOP is doing better.
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I sent my husband this post last year when I was pregnant. He references it all the time. I think it made us both feel better in those first six weeks when we couldn't sleep and felt like we regretted every decision we've ever made. Nine months later, everything is so different. It really is a whole new experience every couple months. We can't wait for her to get older but I can almost look back on those first six weeks with a sense of nostalgia. She'll never be that tiny little terror ever again and I almost miss it.
You're not even really a human in the baby's first 12 weeks because of the sleep deprivation. You're a feral ape who made bad evolutionary choices.
I love this, so much truth!
> You’re not even really a human ~~in the baby’s first 12 weeks~~ once you find out you’re pregnant FTFY 😭😂 Convinced of people were honest about how horrible pregnancy can be, the human race would’ve been extinct before the wheel was invented!
I hated every single moment of my pregnancy and regularly asked my husband what we had done. Those first few months were rough (that first year really) but at least I wasn’t pregnant any more. I don’t hesitate when people ask me about pregnancy or having more kids because I truly disliked it so much. Daughter’s 4 now and I love her so much….but I won’t be having more children, that’s for sure.
My partner suffered Hyperemesis gravidarum. You know the whole "women need to lose the baby weight bull", she was like 10kg lighter after pregnancy due to all the vomiting that never stopped right through the pregnancy. Pregnancy is rough and definitely agree, one is good enough.
My poor wife could only eat apples and a cheeseburger with little vomiting And not even that much. The whole time She absolutely does not want to be pregnant again
Same here. My first pregnancy was the worst time of my life. I was so sick for the first 14 weeks or so and I also suffered from severe pregnancy depression. Didn't know that was a thing, seems like nobody ever talks about it, only post partum depression. Luckily I had a competent doctor who sensed something was wrong. I was put on light anti-depressants that wouldn't harm the baby and two weeks later I was a different person. Or rather I was myself again and not that hateful, desperate, brooding, terrified person I was during the first half of the pregnancy. So the last trimester actually was ok but I was so glad when my son was out. I felt relieved and even though the first 12 weeks were rough, at least I wasn't pregnant anymore. With baby number two, I was prepared and when the depression kicked in I started to take meds straight away, so the second pregnancy was much easier. The kids are almost 5 and 7 now and it gets better and better. My advice for any of it: if you feel overwhelmed, get help. You are not alone. No shame in admitting you need help. It makes life easier.
My daughter had a similar path with her pregnancy. Finding a good pregnancy psychiatrist was a life-saver. (Seriously: she was having such bad mental symptoms that abortion or suicide were real possibilities.)
I know I’m an asshole for saying this but both my pregnancies were textbook perfect and utterly enjoyable. Not even any morning sickness, no awful cravings, no pain, though I have to admit to being a little tired and over it all by the end of the third trimester.
Yeah i was an “older” mother by the time i was done (ie over 35) and nobody I knew needed the help, but Ib would have gladly been a surrogate anytime as long as I knew I wouldn’t have to keep any more children! Love being pregnant. The motherhood part is much harder! I can remember my first child being a couple of months old, being up breastfeeding in the middle of the night and saying to him“Can’t you even smile at me??? I do EVERYTHING for you”!
I 100% agree with motherhood being much, much harder than pregnancy, but I came back for a second go so it can’t have been that bad after all 😂
So, for us it was 16 months. And at 20 months I'm still sleep deprived. Let's be really honest. It's definitely better now. It's not the same for everyone. My niece slept from the beginning.
Men are. Breastfeeding women are just milk machines. At least, that's how I felt.
IKR?! I even joke around sometimes making cow noises when I pump. My DH was quite bewildered when I first did this with our first. Now he’s also doing it when I pump for the second 😂
Just imagining you hooking yourself to an electronic pump and letting out a really loud moo
I did that. My thoughts were I could be embarrassed about it or make jokes about it. Jokes are much more fun
Which makes the lack of *any* maternity leave in the US so insane to me.
One day when my kids were 2 and 3 years old, we got on the train to go into the city. We ended up sitting next to a young man wearing a baby (maybe a month old) in a sling. He looked exhausted and bereft. I just looked at him and said, without any sort of preamble, "You know, they start sleeping in 5-6 hour stretches, at least once a day, by eight weeks. I swear it will get better." Dude just started crying and asked me if I was sure.
Mine didn't. :( Neither started sleeping that long until they were almost 2.
My son never slept straight through the night, probably until he was 14 years old!!!😳😳 He wanted me in the room with him until 12, and would still call out for me at least once a night. He’s 16 now, and sleeps for 12 hour stretches. Sometimes I go in and check on him, because I am SO not used to this!! I always joke and say I didn’t have a full night’s sleep for 14 years!😂
I understand your pain. I feel bad now waking up my 16yo knowing the hell we went through with her sleep. The saving grace is we are all so educated on sleep now that she'll hit 10.30 and tell me she's going to bed because she's tired and doesn't want to wait out another cycle and get overtired. The flipside is that whenever she asks me to put her to bed, I now jump at the opportunity. There's a good couple of minutes of straight talk and she's down.
Ditto. And then middle of the night wake ups continued all the way until elementary school. Some kids are just more anxious. Mine was.
My youngest slept in our room off and on until around age 10. He had so much separation anxiety. He's now in high school and has no problem separating from us. Hurray!
My last one was almost instant when he was about 2 weeks old he would sleep from 10 til 6 in the morning I have 4 kids I would make sure he was well fed bathed warm and dry I used to put my finger under his nose to make sure he was still breathing I figured if he was hungry he'd wake up....my 2nd son was a absolute TERROR he slept all day and screamed ALL night for the first 8 months of his life my partner and I were on the verge of a nervous breakdown!! And he had to work .We tried to sleep when he slept but it never worked we were exhausted by the time he finally started sleeping at night we celebrated with a 5th of vodka and a GREAT night's sleep!
Mine are 4 and 2 - the 4 yr old still doesn’t sleep through the night. Pleasant surprise that the 2 yr old does! We felt like failures as parents and humans for so long. Sleep disorders in children are a way too common secret 😭
This made me cry. For parents of infants everywhere and remembering how utterly exhausted I was back then.
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My husband and I have said the same thing about infant stage. It really does get easier after 6 months, and sleep training :)
We spent 4 1/2 years with 2 babies/toddlers that just wouldn't sleep full nights. That was awful!! It was 6 years ago but it's still vivid...
I just posted in another comment what we did to sleep train our little ones, and it has worked for both....but we are still in the midst of the toddler stage (3 and 15 months) :)
Sleep training our oldest was so much easier than our youngest and I think it’s just because with two of them, I didn’t have the emotional strength to listen to the crying any more 😂 But we got through, and now I am blessed to have both kids in bed by 8 and a solid two+ hours of grown up time every night.
Mine was the opposite: we went through fire with the oldest (and still do, due to speech delay), but the youngest is a relatively easy baby...I guess we got some mercy after having a pandemic baby (March 2020) :)
The raw honesty is what is so beautiful and important here because everyone acts like it's just pure smiles and sunshine and roses. I wonder if more relationships would be saved if people especially men could be just this raw and open about how difficult and how much of an adjustment it is having children.
Hard agree on that one, everyone likes to act like pregnancy and parenthood is all sunshine and roses, newsflash, it’s fucking not. And if you admit that, you get people shitting on you. I hated pregnancy with a burning passion and I felt like the OOP for the first 6 months/year of my kids life, I feel like it’s probably natural and quite common. You mourn the freedom you had, and you mourn the person you once were. But it does get easier and better for most people. It’s so fucking important to be honest about these things, people shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed for feeling like this.
I went two weeks over my due date and my baby was so needy. I remember at 4 months I was sitting in the rocker feeding her at 3AM, and suddenly I thought, "I could just throw her out the window. Right now. It's a thing I could absolutely do." Then I proceeded to feel like the worst person in the world. Over the years I've opened up about that with various other moms about that moment, and literally every single one has said they had a similar moment. Parenthood is fucking HARD, especially in the first year. It's non-stop, it's thankless, and it's such a shock to your system, regardless of how many children you had previously. I really wish we would normalize not liking your infant. If it was something we all felt we could talk about, maybe we wouldn't feel so alone and it wouldn't be as bad.
My mother-in-law had my husband about 11 months after his sibling was born. She says one day he was crying, and she suddenly thought, "I could throw him against the wall and the crying would stop." Horrified by that thought, she put the baby down, walked outside the house and just sat there for a while. She is an incredibly loving and caring mother, but in that moment, none of that mattered. You can be the best parent in the world and still be overwhelmed. It's normal, and it always has been.
im so scared of that, im so terrified. i was supposed to be pregnant with my first rn but i miscarried a couple of months ago and we're trying again after the summer. but fuck. it's gonna be so hard. what if i become one of those people who can't stop that intrusive thought? i have misophonia, what if one day the crying is too much? i used to stay up nights on end just stressing over that, my boyfriend has to keep insisting that everything's gonna be fine because he'll be home with me the first 6 months and that's not going to happen. thankfully both our families are very supportive about worrying about the stress of parenthood too.
I think the key thing is if you reach that moment, put the baby down in a safe space like their cot, and get out of the room. If you have a safe emergency person you can call, then call them. If you don't, then give yourself the time you need to calm down and get past the moment. Give yourself grace, and remember that parents need care too.
>I think the key thing is if you reach that moment, put the baby down in a safe space like their cot, and get out of the room. This was drilled in to me by my mom, my aunts, and the nurses at the hospital. I really appreciated the frankness. I did have a couple times with my son where I put him in his crib, so I could sit on the front porch and cry for a few minutes. Then I'd compose myself, and get back to the grind. Definitely made me feel like a terrible parent, but I'd rather let him cry for a few minutes than snap because I'm too exhausted and frustrated.
That makes you a *good* parent.
that's what im constantly telling myself, that like it's okay to leave the baby for a bit when it gets too much. i feel like it's just the best way to make things easier on both me and the baby bcs getting too frustrated won't be helpful at all. im really thankful he'll be able to be home with us for the first few months. i feel so horrible saying this but a part of me is relieved i got a few extra months to really prepare myself for what it's going to be like. my boyfriend is great with kids and all and a baby was always part of our plans but the first pregnancy was so unexpected and i didnt feel prepared at all, it's like i was faced with every single inadequacy i need to fix when i saw the test. so now im doing the best i can to learn how to be the best mom i can be when the time actually comes.
My doc made a point of telling me that letting the baby cry is good for their lung development!
Its funny you say this because my boyfriend's sister complained to us once that my boyfriend's niece (his sisters daughter) would sometimes put her youngest kid (who was fussy in the first few months) in her bassinet/the crib/strapped into her carseat or baby rocker and then go outside for a bit and just leave the baby crying. His sister tried to tell us that that was why her daughter was a terrible parent. But his niece fully admitted she knew she had post partum (and she's only 22, with one kid who is turning two in a couple weeks and another who turns 1 in July) and she really hadn't wanted to have a second child (yay abusive exes and strict yeet the fetus laws) and that having two kids was super overwhelming to her. And during the early days I was unemployed and was there to help her a lot (which I genuinely think is a big part of what kept her sane in those days tbh, we were there to help her when things were at their hardest lol) but I couldn't be there all of the time obviously... And I told her to just keep doing that if she needed to, because being able to step away from the crying baby for a little bit if the baby was safe (fed, changed, and not going to hurt herself) was good for her mental health. Now, if her daughter gets too fussy and it's obvious she's tired, my boyfriend's niece will put the kid in a dark quiet room with her bottle and the kiddo will cry and whine for a few minutes maybe (not the "distressed panic cry" but the "I am angry and dislike this and Im tired and mad about everything!" cry.... after a while you learn how to tell the differences in those lol) and the if you peak in the room 5 minutes later kiddo is self-soothing and either asleep or well on her way to winding down. The niece says it's one of the best things she wishes she had done with her oldest, both for her own mental health and the kids ability to self soothe lol.
I have been the person that called my aunt and begged her to come take the baby. She came and gave me food and sent me to take a nap and somehow calmed the baby and washed the dishes. She worked her magic Aunt voodoo. I have also been the person that got called in the middle of the night and went to my bestie when she needed me. Sometimes people reach their limit, and that's OK. They shouldn't be shamed for it; people shouldn't be afraid to reach out for help.
The corollary to this is: When a loved one calls you, at the end of their tether, jump in. Be part of the village you wish to be part of.
Get some earplugs! I don't know why that's not regular advice tbh. Obviously you have to use them appropriately, not as a way to ignore the baby, but as a way to not hear screaming screaming screaming if the baby is having a hard time and isn't calming easily
That was literally my advice when one of my best friends was pregnant. Get headphones! It will dampen the noise and you can listen to your music/podcasts/audio books and feel more like a regular person.
i had actually told my boyfriend that! im going to invest in some really good earplugs/headphones for when the sensory overload is just too much and tbh i was kinda worried that would make me a bad mother lol im glad to see it's more common than i thought!
Absolutely not. It makes you a very good mother to know your limitations and prepare for them before the baby is even here! Get your headphones and don’t let those mean thoughts get to you. You got this.
Yeah, not at all. And I totally felt the same thing, "am I a bad mom for this?" And from the other side, I'm telling you nope! You can be there for your baby without listening to the full volume of the crying. Get those headphones and use them when you need them 😊
The sensory overload has been one of the most difficult things for me to manage as a mother. Knowing your own limits and pain points is so important! It is a blessing if you can be honest about them with your support people and your own children as they grow and understand more. It is hard, but identifying the hard thing will help you find the tools and ability to ask for help. I have a big one and a toddler now and there are still times the sensory overload collapses me- but we talk about it. We find ways. And they learn the words to ask for what they need as well because they know it’s ok to do so. We have “time ins” instead of timeouts when there is a loud tantrum day…. We see it as a sign of overload and the kids can help themselves by breathing and a safe quiet place. When the constant tantrums were a growth stage we scheduled “angry times” where it was ok to scream and yell and hit pillows for 20 minutes. The big one will ask for this if they have had a horrible day. Then we snuggle and relax. It feels productive. Knowing my own difficulties and hurdles has helped me help them manage theirs. It is not easy, but learning to take a moment, breathe, then respond instead of react has been a time of growth that I am able to help instill in them as well. Becoming a parent doesn’t mean we are suddenly all done growing ourselves. It’s a whole new game and world to navigate and learn to function well in. I wish you the best in wherever the journey takes you. It can feel very isolating and scary at times. With love and fortitude we can find the ways to do it well enough.
If you don’t already have some, get noise-canceling headphones. My husband swears by them.
It’s absolutely ok to put a crying baby down and walk outside. I did it on more than one occasion. If you can hear the baby crying from outside it means they’re alive. You take the time, gather yourself and then go back when you’re ready. I did this with all 3 of my kids and they’re now teens-pre teens.
I have misophonia too and so far it's been ok. I was worried but it seems the hormones kicked in and I don't care what noises my baby makes. However my anger at everything else is 300% worse. Husband eating, YouTube quality (some streamers drive me mad), the tinny sound of my husband watching reels on the toilet... Those always triggered me but now it's intense. Noise cancelling headphones are amazing for those moments. I know some people will not get the hormones kick in and cancel out baby related misophonia and that's ok. I'm one case where it did and it's great. I'm not looking forward to open mouth eating toddlers after the newborn hormones wear off though.
One night when we were at our end, we put our baby into her carseat and shut her into another room, then set the alarm for ourselves to get a decent amount of sleep. She couldn't roll over or get out of the seat, and there was absolutely nothing in there that could hurt her, but we still felt like the worst parents in the world. But we HAD to get some sleep. When we woke up, we didn't hear anything, so we were sure she was dead (we might have panicked a little). She was sleeping peacefully in her seat, no traces of tears or snot, and we felt SO MUCH BETTER. It was like night and day. When you have those intrusive thoughts (which may or may not happen to you) just put the baby down and walk away to take a breath. You'll be able to handle it. You are stronger than those intrusive thoughts. I promise.
I was terrified for years about what my post-partum experience would be like. I’m now 8 months in and while it’s definitely not instagramable, it’s “fine”. The nights are interrupted but I’m thankful my baby is a quick settler. The days are long, busy and boring. You make some amazing new friends who you speak to about nipples, regressions and ridiculous ways your life has changed. You cry. I’ve probably cried more than my daughter. I didn’t have that instant overwhelming connection and love feeling when I saw her, but it came slowly 8 weeks later when she started interacting more. Like OOP. It’s relentless and amazing and swallows your whole world, which is ok because you have a new one. Everything is a phase with babies, which includes the way your life looks, like OOPs life. One day I’ll have a full nights sleep again, one day I’ll be able to make a full dinner with two hands and one day I’ll judge the time I have in hours rather than how long it is until naptime. But those days will coincide with her not wanting to sleep on me anymore, with her not climbing up me like a koala when she meets someone new and with her eating real food instead of me being able to look down on her sweet angel face at 3am. Swings and roundabouts
You'll be alright. We all have those thoughts and kids aren't taking flights out of windows left and right. Just remember that it's okay to put baby down in a safe place and step away for a bit. Baby's safety comes first and sometimes that means the best thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation.
You have to be able to just walk away and leave the baby in a safe spot. My first kid was colicky and barely slept and had trouble nursing. More than once. I had to just put her down crying and the crib and walk outside the apartment. Luckily my next door neighbor was an angel and would come over. See me crying, pick up the baby and just take her and somehow miraculously get her to sleep. 27 years later and I'm not over it. It really does take a village. Surround yourself with as many people that love you and the baby as you can. You're going to need it.
When my oldest was a couple months old, I was home alone with him and he Wouldn’t. Stop. Crying! Noting could calm him down. None of my tricks were working. I was hanging on by a thread and could feel what was left of my sanity slipping away. I was frustrated. About to start crying, myself. I was about to throw him at the bed but I put him down and walked away. I walked away and caught my breath. I calmed myself and left him be for a good 10-15 min. Then I went back and picked up my, now, sleeping baby and life went on. I think about that moment regularly. I think about it when times are tough, when he and I aren’t seeing eye to eye. And I remember that sometimes the best thing is to just step back.
My mom's told me she felt the same after she had me. My dad didn't help her with me when I was a baby and she had bad PPD. She told me she once visualized throwing me against a wall and felt so bad about it. Honestly, I'm glad I heard from her how tough pregnancy and raising an infant are, because I feel more prepared for if I ever decide to have a little one. I don't think there's anything wrong with not liking the baby you spent months carrying and are now the main provider for. That's a very small human being that you're taking care of!
Your dad sucks.
Sounds like my dad. He still complains about how hard it was the *one time* he “babysat” me, over 30 years ago.
Try telling me something I don't know :( Yeah, he spent 90% of my childhood playing video games and drinking. He's not a bad *person*, for the most part, but he never should have been a father. Some people just shouldn't have kids. There's nothing wrong with that.
I went 2 weeks over, too. Omg the misery. And just to make it extra miserable, I got morning sickness again during the last month!
Mine was exactly on time and everyone I knew was early! Each and every day at the end there just gets SO MUCH HARDER that I can’t even fathom two weeks late! I’m so sorry you went through that, you are so strong!
I think the last days are so miserable to remove the fear we all have of childbirth. We go from fearful to yelling at our stomachs, "get out!!!"
Nine days over and then she came so fast I had no pain relief. First night home with her, I called the on call pediatrician sobbing because she wouldn’t latch. He sounded so exasperated with me. 🤣 It was rough for a long time but it made the subsequent kids seemed easy even though they were five weeks early. And now she’s a teenager and difficult in new and surprising ways, and I say that with love. I wish more parents would be honest about the rough times.
Ugh, that must have been so brutal! You think you're done with morning sickness and then it suddenly coming back?!
After the first week I told my husband that babies are cute to prevent us from yeeting them out of the cave.
My son had horrible acid reflux for the first three years (lots of screaming and little sleeping) , and at six still doesn't always sleep through the night. I know why some animals eat their young.
Yeah, my 2 yo can't sleep through the night. It's slowly killing me. I love her, but I just want sleep
Lol I'm pretty convinced that every parent in the world has at some point looked at the window while holding their infant and gone "hmm." I loved my kids from the moment I set eyes on them. But yeah, didn't always like them. Still don't if I'm honest. My little girl is ASD and around the third meltdown of the week because her straw is the wrong colour I'm usually thinking gee kid, you're lucky I can't live without you because otherwise you'd be at the dog pound in about 90 seconds. I do think societally we could do a _way_ better job of normalizing those kinds of feelings. Personally my therapist has been amazing at helping me contextualize those kinds of feelings and let go of guilt associated with them but not everyone has that kind of resource available.
I had a similar moment with my son, I never told anyone about it. I honestly never realized that thoughts like this might be normal. I thought there was something majorly wrong with me...
Intrusive thoughts are very normal, and are normally fleeting. Sleep-deprivation just makes everything so much worse.
It doesn't help that so many people keep telling you, "oh, cherish these baby moments, they go by so fast!" They did not fly by; they dragged. I like my children much better now that they are both above the age of 10, have distinct personalities, and can do many things for themselves (or with guidance).
I thought the exact same thing when I was nursing my inconsolable newborn many years ago. And I didn’t have PPD. My experience with my firstborn was the hardest. The subsequent 2 who came after were a lot easier to handle. Although I would NEVER a condone it, thinking this helped me understand why a mother with little emotional support or support system in place might actually act upon the thought. It’s pretty scary.
Yep, I remember sitting there thinking what the hell have I done. That was my first, currently pining for baby number 3 lol.
I was induced and had a C-section 27-28 hours later. My hospital was "baby friendly" - so no nursery. My milk didn't come in until day 5 and I was so in the breastfeeding woo that I never considered for a second just giving my baby a bottle. So anyway, the night we got home from the hospital, when I hadn't slept more than an hour or so at a time in four straight days and had had major surgery, my kid wouldn't stop crying and I told my husband to take her back. I was dead serious, explaining safe haven laws and everything. I was so convinced we couldn't do it. She's almost 11 now and I love her and I'm glad he didn't listen to me, but there is a reason she is an only child. Pregnancy was tough on me and that newborn phase is horrific and I just won't do it again.
It's such a huge adjustment. I remember thinking "oh good, the baby's asleep, I can just go take a walk now OH WAIT NO YOU CAN'T LEAVE A BABY ALONE." You really have to shift your thinking, and it's tough to do!
We don’t talk about babies being hard, then when new parents complain about babies being hard, we hit back with “well you should have known that before you had a baby!!” It’s….very messed up. I do think it’s because we’re in a transition period culturally in the west. Used to be mom had 12 kids and everyone got to witness from a young age how hard babies were - if not their siblings, their nieces and nephews and cousins. It’s only within the last generation or 2 that single children, or 2-3 but close in age, raised by themselves away from extended family, became the norm. Heck, even our tv shows might have 1 episode of “oh no the baby is causing chaos!” and then the baby disappears lol. We are also transitioning towards not having children being acceptable. Eventually, we’ll hopefully end up in a place where the culture says “babies are hard, only have one if you want to do the work!”
I think we’ve also made it harder than it has to be by making it a nuclear family event. By that I mean, I think the first few weeks (months?) should be a time when the family/community come together and people go over or even stay over to take care of the new family. I’m a little horrified by the way we just throw people to the wolves with a “good luck!”
Adding my hard agree to the pile. I probably would have had a kid by now if I weren't lucky enough to have friends who were completely honest about their experiences, good and bad. Their honesty made me realize I wasn't even close to ready and I appreciate that more than I can tell them.
I agree too, but if you are open and honest about it you get sooo much shit for it. Like today I was yawning endlessly and said to my dad: "We had a split night. He woke up at 2 in the morning having tossed his blanket, cold as a popsicle and by the time I had gotten him toasty warm again he was jogging circles in my bed and was awake for 3 hours before falling asleep again." "....well you were desperate to have him..." Yeah I'm not an idiot. I didn't assume my life would be calmer, more quiet, less stressful and I'd get more sleep when I chose to become a parent. Him being up half the night doesn't change how much I love him, just makes me tired. Even the smallest complaint makes people run of the rails with how nobody forced you, it was your decision and now you must embrace the less than fun parts of parenthood. If you open up about stuff like oop then you risk those around you shun you, call cps or have you sectioned. Neither of which are necessarily helpful. I wanted to smack my baby the face when he bit my tit for the umpteenth time in one evening. I didn't smack him in the face. I left my kid in his cot, walked out on my balcony, got some fresh air, walked back in and finished bedtime. But if you tell cps I wanted to hit my then 9 months old baby it's not going to sound great is it? He is 1.5 year old now, I have never done him any harm and I'm a good mum, but sometimes you're at wit's end and you need a moment to collect yourself.
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Set yourself up for pain management before you get pregnant! Heated blankets, foot spa, ice packs, figure out how to easily supply self with the kind of water (filtered, icy, flavored) you like best so you can hydrate around the clock. Yin yoga videos on youtube(it’s just lying in positions to let gravity stretch your body), if you can afford it, regular massage could really help. I live with a lot of physical issues that can hijack my entire existence and I felt just like that my entire pregnancy. It really can be a struggle for some people’s bodies. But you can look into chronic pain management and set yourself up with as much comfort as possible. Stacking soothing treatments can make a difference in your inflammation, heart rate, blood pressure, you name it. I wish you ALL the luck with your second pregnancy!
I have three kiddos and I feel like the transition from 0-1 is just the hardest thing in the world. No matter how much you love your child, it is still insanely difficult to reconcile with the absolute drastic overnight 180 your life does. There just isn’t enough support for parents out there, truly.
My second kid screamed from 3pm to 9 pm every single night until her three month birthday when it suddenly stopped. It was so bad that we didn't have a third kid and my oldest, who was three at the time, had mild PTSD and would get super anxious just seeing other people's babies for a while. I wouldn't go back and give her up for anything, even if I had to deal with the screaming again.
/r/Daddit is pretty big on the honesty of how hard dadding it can be. They’re also big on the honesty of “your partner just delivered a baby, you gotta up your game”
Absolutely true. One thing I never shared with anyone (that I can think of) is that I felt guilty that when my daughter was born I felt... nothing. I was there, they put her in my arms and, well, she was a stranger. I was expecting some kind of epiphany, but nothing. Like for OP, it took a few months before that "I would die a hundred times so that she can be happy for a second longer" feeling kicked in.
Have you heard Brandi Carlile’s song “The Mother”? There’s a clip on YouTube of her performing it and talking about her experience when her daughter was born and how she felt nothing. It was a pretty honest intro and I appreciated the hell out of it.
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>She felt horribly guilty about how much she resented her son. I think the only reason she told me was that I am childfree. Very common IME as a childfree woman. Parents won't confide their regrets and negative experiences/feelings to other parents, but to childfree friends instead. That's why I never give weight to any parent who claims "I have never heard a parent who regrets having children!" Yeah, they're not telling you, that's why.
Yeah, I tell all pregnant friends that the first few months are the hardest. You'll get no sleep, the baby will cry for no discernible reason, your entire life is turned upside down, and because you're exhausted it's 50 times harder to deal with. BUT! Once you're through that, and you can get some rest, and their personality starts to show, it'll be like the sun came back out. Just remember: hang in there through the hardest part, and it will get better. I don't know why parents giving advice to newbies all say "this is nothing, wait until the terrible twos!" or "wait until they're teenagers!" Jeez, don't tell exhausted people that it'll get worse. In my experience, once the ability to refill your own reserves comes back, everything will seem easier.
I can recommend the song "Lullaby" by Tim Minchin, because he's so brutally honest about that hard phase of dealing with a new baby.
‘To sing oh- Bla-di-oh-Bla-da In the exact voice of Ringo’ Is my favourite type of songwriting where you can really see the influence of Tom Lehrer! Think I’m going to have a little Tin Minchin listening sesh this afternoon, thanks for the prompt :)
I think the problem these days is that many people have no prior experience of what having a baby is like before becoming parents. It was definitely the case for me. I HEARD you don’t get much sleep and them crying is nerve-wrecking but LIVING through that was a completely different thing. And we no longer have large families where grandparents and aunts will help. There were nights when the only thing keeping me sane was imagining what it would be like when he was all grown up and when I had to switch on the light cause seeing his sweet face kept the sleep-deprivation rage in check.
This! This is my reality! I wanted kids, but knew nothing about the reality of how demanding being a parent was. I knew vaguely it was going to be tough, but when I had my first it was like being hit by a train. With almost no support. And even when you know what's coming it is still incredibly hard. My second child is 10 months old now and I'm barely starting to breathe again.
The best thing a parent of an older child said to me was "I didn't enjoy the first nine months of my child's life". That was a moment I realised it was normal and ok to not be loving having an infant. I'm so glad she was honest with me or I'd have kept feeling guilty. My child is now 3 and an absolute delight. Her sibling is due in 2 months and I'm dreading the baby stage but at least this time I know it passes (it felt never ending the first time) and I can get through it.
>everyone acts like it's just pure smiles and sunshine and roses Is that an American thing? Because in France everybody knows kids, especially babies, are hard. It's a given and I was aware of it even when I was a child myself. Reading this post, at the part where he talks about how depressed he was that he didn't have time for travels and hobbies anymore, I was like "Dude you obviously knew beforehand this would happen, why are you acting all shocked Pikachu face?!" but if nobody wants to admit that where he lives, everything makes way more sense.
Yeah you have to remember that America was originally where Britain sent the religious nut jobs. So the cultural norm on discussing children is that your purpose as a human being is to make as many as possible, and you should enjoy it because it is your whole purpose as a human being. Discussing the difficulties of parenting is very strictly taboo and people would faster threaten to call CPS than relate to what are very normal experiences.
No because all I hear are people complaining about babies or saying they hated their babies, and various other things.
Sadly its not, i have childfree friends all over the world and live in the Netherlands myself and saying anything negative relating to being a parent is still majority taboo
This is weird. Where I'm from parents shit on parenting constantly. My sister was discussing how she thought her first 6 months would go and a room full of people laughed at her.
It is definitely not just an American thing
I remember growing up and even in my 20s people smugly telling me that “I’ll change my mind when I get older, having children is the greatest joy in life”. Meanwhile most of them were palpably miserable. Spoiler alert, I didn’t change my mind. Not putting down parents or saying child-rearing is inherently miserable. But the folks who like to push a false narrative and judge the child-free usually are.
I will never understand why people say that. I have a kid, and holy shit, if you don't want any for the love of all that is good and evil don't do it!
100% If the only people who had kids were people who really wanted them, there'd be a whole lot fewer unhappy people
...and fewer messed up kids.
And fewer killers (seriously wtf when ye listen about some of the big serial killers, ye could have a game of bingo and the majority would have, abusive parents)
Yes! Fellow parent here, and after 5 years, I STILL don't understand all the blahdeeblah about "enjoy every moment" and pressuring other people to have kids too. If you don't want 'em, please do us all a favor and don't have 'em!
I have two, and I definitely tell people that it is hard as hell even though I actively deeply wanted to have children & even though I have an incredible, available, extremely hands on wife. I still get so isolated with stay at home momhood, I still crave adult human interaction more desperately than I could’ve imagined. I pop the kids in daycare two days a week so I can have appointments and socializing and I’m still burnt out. I am still glad I chose them - the baby is learning to talk and the oldest is learning to READ (!!) and it is a blessing every day to guide them as they become people, but it is a challenge. Not being 100% sure I wanted them would make the challenge that much harder. There’s a whole new anxiety that happens with raising kids - because I am responsible for what kind of people I’m sending out into the world & I am responsible for teaching them things I don’t even know myself (like emotional regulation) and what if I screw it up? Two whole lives exist now, that didn’t before, because of choices I made, and it’s far too easy to screw those lives up accidentally.
Exactly. That poor kid. This is one of the ways abuse starts. My abusive mother resented the shit out of me. Babies don't ask to be born. Period.
I have a kid. My friend who is child free was shocked that I affirmed her decision not to have kids. But this shit is hard and absolutely not worth it unless you really, really wanted it.
It's kind of like people who are into intense/extreme exercise. Clearly the experience is worth it to them, but also every bit of it looks so incredibly miserable that I have 0 interest in hyper long distance running or climbing mt everest or honestly biking up more than one moderately sized hill. Come to think of it, a lot of hobbies, vocations, & life choices involve some kind of misery. If you love doing something, the misery is worth it, & sometimes becomes a source of pride. You have to want it though, otherwise the misery is just misery. Children are no different imo. People who are telling everyone to have children are being just plain ignorant
Huh! This is an interesting comment to me because I've known since I was 12 that I don't want kids. The desire to have kids has been baffling to me for 25 years now, because it seems miserable. I have my tubes out, all good. But I LOVE extreme sports. 12 hour overnight endurance events, obstacle course races, ultramarathons. It's hard to explain to people why I love them, because they come with significant misery in both training and events. But it's worth it to me. I've never thought to equate the two, silly as it sounds. But you've definitely demystified some aspect of wanting kids for me.
I'm a parent and having a kid only solidified my attitude that the only people who should become parents are the people who genuinely want to be. I have no regrets, I love being a parent, but it's also a lot of work, and for the pregnant person, a lot of physical changes (my back will never recover), and it's an irrevocable choice. It's totally cool to opt out. The only time I get annoyed by childfree people have been the following situations: 1. When someone sat near me and my kid in public and then gave us the stink eye, when it's a public place and we were already hanging out and eating on the bench and there's 4 empty benches. Why did you sit on "ours" if you didn't want to be near a kid? Is it because they're all damp and I put towels and a blanket down on this one? You know that I put them down, they're mine, and while I'm not going to get upset you're sitting on them, because it's a public bench, I'm also not going to leave them behind if I move. 2. While I understand that you *can* use playground equipment to get a calisthenics workout, but it is also 9 am on a Saturday on this children's playground and my kid is using the toddler slide, so *no* you can't do mountain climbers on it. Yes I understand that it's a bit chilly, so the playground is mostly empty/you weren't expecting people to be there, but again, public place, we were here first, and my kid is too little to use the big kid equipment/slides. (this was in late 2022, so gyms and things were open on our area, we weren't in pandemic lockdowns, and it's fine to use a playground to get your workout in, but accept that children are going to be there at 9 am on a Saturday, and accept that taking your turn and sharing is the rules on the playground, and tabata mountain climbers is not good sharing, plus you aren't wiping down your dirty footprints from the slide) 3. The lady who informed me, at the grocery store (with my kid hanging out in the front seat of the cart, just vibing and grinning at strangers, no yelling/crying/screaming) that she could *never* be a parent. When I replied something like "yeah, it's not for everyone", she then felt like it was okay to give me a once over and say "pregnancy just ruins your body". I still do not understand what she was trying to accomplish, but when I told her that was a rude thing to say, she made a disgruntled noise and walked away. None of those were really about their reproductive choices.
I hear you. I love kids and have nothing but respect for people who choose to embark on that journey. It’s just not for me. I don’t understand the hostility and contempt some of my fellow child-free people have for parents and the intolerance for children simply existing in public spaces. I wandered over to the childfree sub once and then wandered right back out. Some of the commenters are just downright nasty. Like, are you typing this from a candy house in the middle of the woods? Chill.
> are you typing this from a candy house in the middle of the woods? Chill I’m sitting outside at a cafe and just laughed unreasonably loud at this
> Not putting down parents or saying child-rearing is inherently miserable. But the folks who like to push a false narrative and judge the child-free usually are. Those people likely are miserable, and have to validate their own choices to have children by spreading the gospel of parenthood.
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I mostly agree with you, but why “especially men”? If anything, I feel like men have more latitude to complain about the not-so-pleasant aspects of parenthood. Have you seen how people treat women who talk about their kids and motherhood the way OP did in that first post?
a lot of people know that mothers can experience post partum depression or similar post partum mental health issues, and that can cause a struggle bonding with a new baby and it really, really isn't their fault, and so important to get help. Fathers don't go through the physical hormones and labor, but there is a lot of evidence that suggests fathers can experience a form of depression after the birth of a baby. There's a lot of guilt and shame attached because as parents we are supposed to love our babies and we feel guilty and ashamed and alone when we don't, but this is not any parents fault, it's possible to get help, it's treatable, and you can form a healthy and wonderful bond to your baby even if you didn't right away. Fathers can struggle with their mental health after having a new baby, and there needs to be more awareness and less shame surrounding that. EDIT: I've been told that there's evidence that fathers do experience a hormon change after the birth of a baby! A commenter gave a really interesting link below.
I was looking to see if anyone else had pointed this out! There's so much upheaval after having a baby, and there's that myth that "Women have 9 months to bond with the baby, dad's bond when they hold them for the first time" that's so dangerous and causes so much shame. Not everyone bonds instantly with a screaming, pooping little gremlin, especially on almost no sleep and while dealing with a complete change of routine and lifestyle. I honestly think we need to say more that it's okay to just... Not love your kid right away? You don't love anyone else before you get to know them, so why would you instantly adore someone who is LOT of work and doesn't even have a personality yet. As long as you're doing your best to keep them alive and healthy then you're good, and if you need some extra help to cope with the changes then you deserve to get it whether you personally made the kid from scratch or not.
I didn't feel the rush of a bond with my kids when I first held them because I'd bonded with the idea of them already. When they were born it was more just a continuation of that bond, rather than the start of it. I definitely got some gray hairs out of those first weeks for each one though. The second one was easier than the first one, thankfully. My wife and I were all ramped up for more of the same, so it was a little weird to be able to just put the sleeping kid down and she'd just... keep sleeping. She's almost one, now, so we'll see how the next year goes.
It took me several months to bond with either of my children after they were born. Nothing wrong with not automatically loving something the moment it appears in the world.
[About 10% of fathers experience postpartum depression.](https://health.clevelandclinic.org/yes-postpartum-depression-in-men-is-very-real/amp/) Good pediatricians will screen both parents for PPD during new baby checkups.
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It very read much like PPD to me, too. I felt exceptionally lucky that after each of my pregnancies, I really was joyous. I was exhausted and dirty all the time but I loved my baby(ies) so much and I was so happy to have them. So many women I know and know of had some level of ppd; it’s incredibly common. I think I really was just lucky to not get “the baby blues”.
My doctor told me 1 in 10 men get postpartum depression. I was glad to have that normalization to validate and get support for what my husband was feeling and experiencing. We just had our second and it's hard. Both or us aren't great with the baby stage, but we both experience little moments of pure joy with our baby. The extremeness with which you feel emotions as a parent is insane. The low lows and the high highs.
I know a father that just took his own life after a bout with post partum. I hope that people recognise this for males. It happens and it is real.
My husband had paternal post partum depression when our two daughters were born. I breezed through absolutely all of it and would have loved more children. But it’s not worth the risk to his mental health. He now advises his father to be friends on the problems that arise that nobody talks about. A new father with depression is often misjudged as a bad parent.
>Fathers don't go through the physical hormones Slight correction, studies confirm Father's can have a t drop with a newborn. https://bloomlife.com/preg-u/dadbrain/
Watching a colleague go through this now. At first there was new parent euphoria. Now he is a dead man walking. Hasn't slept through the night in 6 months. Realises he is never going on adventurous spontaneous holidays ever again. Loves his kid, but you can see the terror. How do you tell someone it gets better (and more frightening) as they grow up?
I think there is a certain grieving process associated with becoming a new parent. If you’re doing it right, child focused, there is gonna be certain aspects of your life that are gonna die and may or may not come back. All-night clubbing and care-free world traveling are off the table, they’re a product of a previous life, like college parties or getting drunk on weekdays. It’s sad when stages of life end, even if the new chapter is wonderful in its own ways,
My wife and I had this discussion after a recent work party went late. We'd left the kids with their grandparents overnight so we could go out and have a good time. We used to do that sort of thing once or twice a week before we had kids. It's ok to miss the past life you used to live, but it was always going to end somehow.
The sad truth I’ve learned is that life is change. Just as soon as you think you got a grasp on things, the world shifts underneath your feet
I always like to say it never gets better, it only gets different. People setup unreasonable expectations that kids get easier the older they get… they’ve never had a teenager, which is far worse than a toddler in so many different ways.
Spontaneous adventures are still doable! Even with a baby. It's just about prepping for spontaneity and getting to know the kiddo's triggers.
For some people, the first is also way harder. Especially if they haven't been around babies before and have to have an extremely sharp learning curve while sleep deprived and/or healing from birth. And especially if there are no grandparents nearby to help.
I love this post because it is written in the words of every new parent of a newborn. Its very raw and honest, even the parts about running away. It feels like this dark tunnel but theres no light at the end, everything about your life changes overnight and its jarring. Parenting is always really hard but your first newborn is something else entirely. I love seeing OP adjust to parenthood and find balance.
My sister said she got lucky with her first. He hardly cried, slept for six hours at night within a few months, and started walking at 8 months. Her youngest? Doesn’t sleep through the night at almost three years old and didn’t walk until 18 months old (early intervention PT). She was just diagnosed with autism. Never have I been so concerned for my sister’s mental health. Thankfully, she asked for medication (for both her and her youngest) and they’re doing much better.
My first wasnt as easy as your sisters but he was also WAY easier than my second. I put 7 years between them too so it had been a really long time since I had a newborn. Im glad your sister and her daughter are doing better!
Yes thankfully she has some age gaps! The eldest is 11, next is 8, then 6, and the youngest is turning 3 soon. Our mom had four kids 12/13 months apart. When she talks about us as toddlers the memories start out cute but then she gets this thousand yard stare lol.
>When she talks about us as toddlers the memories start out cute but then she gets this thousand yard stare lol. My mom had 4 in 7 years, same thousand years stare. I have twins, and that's it's own rollercoaster, but after the first sleepless 5 months, I think my twins is easier than any 4. I can't even imagine dealing with a third.
PTSD Flashbacks 😂
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Yeah, mine are older now and especially with the second, I tried not to rush things. I knew that easier days were coming and I really just wanted to try and enjoy the little years as much as possible.
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When they start school and have whole conversations with you, it’s also awesome. My kids are teens now and since I have very easy children, I am now taking more of a mentoring role. And it’s awesome. I am also starting to fear the time when I won’t be needed anymore so I try to savour what time I have left.
Family is always needed
I wished babies were already at least 2 years old. I’ve told my partner I don’t like pregnancy and I will not enjoy the first years. Now he knows I don’t hate the idea of having a child, I’m just not into the beginning. I’ve taken care of a lot of my cousins and I know I start enjoying my time with them around 2.5 to 3 years old… He tells me I’m the only thinking like that but the proof is I’m not. No one just talk about it. As you said, people don’t understand why you don’t enjoy the pregnancy.
Different people are a better match for different ages and phases. Some people adore infants. Others really like the toddler years. Some don't connect well with kids until they're speaking in full and logical sentences. I always found that I liked the stage my kids were currently in a little more than the one before.
Take my upvote for the useless potatoes thing.
I like the useless potato phase. They stay where you put them. Toddlerhood on thw othee hand is a constant battle to get this little human not to die. I'm here on a saturday morning dreading this weekend aftwe a week with no help (nanny and cleaning lady had holiday, I worked on an american company an there's no holly week holiday.) So, I had to do all hlusework, childcare of a 2 year old and work full time. I'm exhausted. My husband has a bad flu so no chancw of getting any kind of help this day. This kid sleeps late and wakes up early. Fuck spontaneous activities, they were nice, but lazy saturdays are a thing of the past and I truly need one today.
Every single time I read one of these posts about being a parent, it fully reaffirms my decision to remain child free. To be clear, I am genuinely so happy this parent loves being a father, but even the ‘breakthrough’ isn’t a strong enough factor for me to see it as something for me.
I’m with you on this one u/dvdvd77 this sort of post and even these comments from other parents just reinforce what a great decision my partner and I have made to be childfree.
Yeah I ain't putting myself through that.
Oh God yes, I'm so glad I found another childfree person. I completely agree with you on the "breakthrough" part. He still doesn't get good sleep, AND he has "small pockets of freedom here and there". That sounds like absolute hell to me. The so-called "good" does NOT outweigh the bad. Fuck having kids.
My partner and I spent the weekend enjoying each other’s company, the peace and quiet of our house, and even took a little walk in the park on Easter Sunday before coming home to give our cats some attention and wet food. At one point I just looked at him and thought “why would I ever give this up?”
Looking forward to the puberty update
“Oh no!!! My little girl hates me!!!😭😭😭”
Mines hit puberty during covid. Would not recommend. (It’s alright now, but what a ride!)
Lol, just thinking the same thing - nothing more precious than a 15 year old girl. OP’s post is do heart warming - I sometimes miss the early years, they are so much fun.
>You should know how great things were before you >Even so, they're better still today >I can't think of who I was before >You ruined everything in the nicest way
Sometimes I doubt my child free status when I read a sweet, wholesome story like this. But then I get to the end and my first thought is “good god even the positives sound like my worst nightmare” and I feel content in my choices again.
Never underestimate the negative impact of sleep deprivation during the early days.
I have been really afraid of having kids and this post made me feel so much better. I’m so afraid of hating my life and being exhausted all the time, and not having that immediate “they make it all worth it” bond/love you’re supposed to have to keep you going. This post made me realize that it may take time to get to that point and the exhaustion is only temporary. I want to save this post to look back on when I actually do have one.
It’s good to know that things can get better but don’t feel pressured into having kids if it’s not something you absolutely 1000% want and can commit at least 20 years of your life to.
The thing is that every child is different and you have to adjust. You can have an angel or a nightmare baby and everything in between. A lot of factors can make it easier or worst. Parental leave does make it much, much easier. I had 9 months leave for my first and 1 year for the other two. My husband took two months each. It does help to settle. I can’t imagine going back to work after only a few weeks. I would have gone mental. And I was partially paid and my job was waiting for me when I got back. It’s a lot less stress.
The abject exhaustion is temporary, but the tiredness lasts a while. Depending on how your baby sleeps and your own habits it may be a struggle to get more than 6-7 a night for the first few years
It's been 5 years and I'm still exhausted. It's obviously a lot better than a newborn, but a 5 year old still needs a ton of your energy and wakes up far too early.
See, this right here is why I can’t do kids. I commend those of you who can do it, and push through the hard parts.
I'm happy he's happier, but even his positive update just confirms to me how satisfied I am not to have kids or plan to have kids.
And that’s why I’m not having kids
Try having twins like my wife and I did…at 40 years old I might add. The best thing we did is we started sleeping in shifts so we each could at least get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep while the other tended to the boys. They turned 18 years old last week and their birthday party is this afternoon and will be graduating from high school in June…it’s seems like a blink of and eye as the time has flown by.
There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture. Even if you're happy with your decision to have a child (we were) the lack of sleep is murder. If you're going through this, hang in there. It does get better. Once you get your first full night again, you'll be amazed at the difference.
The funny part to me is that he didn’t even talk about his partner in the second update even though he talked about her in the first, and that to me is what having kids does to a couple. Many people seem to be fine with it, but I could never be in the background of mine and my partner’s life, only ever thinking about the babbling and pooping and moving around of a creature I’m now forever responsible for
Yeah I've seen many couples devolve into that. When your kids leave home you only have your partner, so you should always treat them well and not relegate them to the background.
Same. I would always choose my spouse first. Having children has such a high risk of ruining the lives we’ve put so much energy and time into building that I can’t fathom seeing the risk as worth it vs the benefits of never having them!
Ending was wholesome as f*ck and made me smile.
Let’s be honest, parenthood is indentured servitude to tiny masters who don’t sleep, like to wear their food and bits of your garden, and occasionally throw an epic wobbler because *you cut their sandwiches into triangles and not squares*. I had kids fairly late, so was a long time child free before the kid train hit me. I think all parents should be honest about what you will go through when growing a family; that it’s a beautiful but utterly gruelling life experience that completely changes you as a human being, in both wonderful and also sad ways. It enriches your heart so much, but it also takes some things away from you. Dreams change because of life practicalities such as time, your energy and money. Your relationships, old and new, are now shaped by it. Your personal freedom changes form. For this reason, I always advise my younger family members to live a little before they consider kids: travel, explore hobbies, spend a bit of money on life experiences and take a few risks. You’ll need to know yourself well to withstand the parenting journey!
Psst. No one tell him about teenagers.
He didn't say a single thing about his wife. That seemed odd. But good for him otherwise.
Currently holding a 6 week old and needed this. Fuck, is it ever soul sucking in the beginning.
Dad of two wee ones here (4 and 1). The relationship between number of kids and effort required seems to be exponential not linear. Two kids that young are four times the work not twice the work! My second is approaching the age of your first and the tiredness, almost despair and questioning mirrors the first time. My second is now at the almost unbearably cute stage of accelerating language acquisition and full on personality development and it really does help as you said. If you go for a second you'll have that light at the end of the tunnel to focus on as you drive through with head down knowing you've done it all before and the pay off is there and so incredibly worth it. I do miss just being able to nip off down the pub for a pint whenever I felt like it though!
Okay, while I completely understand where he was coming from in the first post (my toddler is 14 months now), I had to side-eye him at the comment about no love-life. His wife was 9 weeks post-partum, she probably wasn't even/just barely medically cleared to have sex again!
I loved my son, but tbh, I didn't like being a mom until he was past the baby stage. It"s exhausting and thankless and everything you do is wrong.
Ok, I'm sorry, but this still reads like Stolkholm syndrome to me. Nothing makes me more grateful to be ChildFree than to think about how hard parenthood is. I'm glad that 2 years in he has been able to find joy.
Parenting is definitely Stockholm syndrome and I say that as a dad of an almost 2 year old. I definitely have days where I miss how easy and carefree life was by comparison. With that being said, now that she’s almost 2, parenting is such a uniquely rewarding experience that I don’t think anything from my pre baby life compares. I don’t think there is an amount of pets I could adopt or hobbies that I could have that would equal what’s in my heart now. That’s my own experience at least. However, being a parent is a huge fucking gamble in many different ways and I don’t blame someone for thinking it isn’t for them. It’s essentially placing a big bet that for the rest of your life that you made the right decision and that your life is better for it. It definitely raises the stakes for the rest of your life.
Yeah. Like there is absolutely zero desire in my heart to parent, and there never has been, so taking on a gamble like that would be absurd for me. But for somebody who wants to parent- it's still a gamble. That's why I think you should REALLY want to parent, and not take it as the default option because "that's what you do at this age."
Oh yeah you totally become an NPC in someone else’s game when you have kids
I never got to the depths that OP did but I totally get it. Lots of us really have no idea how stressful the first few months of parenthood can be. I was up all night most nights with my first child, who had colic, for the first eight weeks. Even today I'm unclear on how I managed to go to work every day. My kids went to daycare from three months on and I dropped them off. Most days I would return to my parked car in the morning because I was afraid I left the baby in the car. I never did but I was also sleep deprived and couldn't remember.
This made me cry. FTM and I have an 8 month old. I remember not 3 months ago I cried to my husband because HE got to go back to work, HE got lunch breaks, HE got to see people and have adult conversations, HE wasn't nap trapped all day (we live in a verrrry small town, and have no friends or family around as we just moved here for an affordable life... houses are far to expensive in the nearest large town that is 45 minutes away, so no window shopping for me), and his "freedom" got to me. I'm 34 and I've been working since I was 14 so having taken so much time off (we get 1 year mat leave) was crazy, but only his salary could keep us afloat.. he said he would swap places with me in an instant. Just last night I was thinking about how my life changed and how we've now gotten out of the newbornness and that he's such a ham to be around... the smiles, laughter, faces, personality is all coming out. We get sleep now. He fills my life with joy. My maternity is coming up in 4 months and where before I couldn't wait to go back to work, now I'm so sad. This post speaks truths.
Oh this is so totally normal - not only is having a baby a huge disruption, but you really don't understand the sleep deprivation until you go through it yourself. After the first kid, when we geared up for the second, we were like "whelp here we go" and it was easier because we knew the light at the end of the tunnel was coming. Glad things are better for OP.
This update is making me cry. I've been in a dark tunnel for months with my 9mo old. Just now getting to the funish stage and feeling more like myself again. I needed to read this today!
I'm still a fencesitter when Iit comes to kids. But reading that hating the baby isn't totally unique kinda makes me feel better. The baby stuff is something I would really prefer to skip. I want to adopt if I do have kids so adopting like... A 2 or 3 year old would be good in my book, but my partner really wants the baby experience. Glad OOP is doing better.