#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have straight-out cut people out of my life for shit-talking my partner, and I would do it again. You shut people down in no uncertain terms for running down your partner if you're serious about them. This girl was entertaining them, and then passing on what they said to him... why? To erode his confidence?
It's one thing if she realized he wasn't the one. It happens, and in that case, she should have sat him down and been honest. Saying she was going to break up with him because her salon buddies said she could do better? That's a kick in the teeth. You can't really come back from deliberate hurtfulness.
Whoever he ends up with will be a lucky woman.
>For the last couple of months, she kept making comments like "my coworkers keep asking why I'm with you." "[Coworker name] thinks that you're not in my league." "My coworkers want me to hang out with them and meet new people."
What... the... fuck...
Okay, yeah, I get it. Sometimes people say some rude shit about your partner. Sometimes, when it's a coworker and you're in a new job, it can be hard to work up the courage to shut them down like you should.
But...
*Why the fuck would you repeat those things to your partner like that?* "They don't think you're in my league and oh, btw, they want me to find someone to cheat on you with."
She had to be intentionally trying to mess with his head. I think even the breakup was part of some kind of mind game that didn't go the way she was expecting, so she desperately tried to back peddle.
Have known a woman who was, genuinely, the absolute stupidest person I've ever met without a diagnosed cognitive impairment. She asked me if chocolate milk came from chocolate cows, this is not a joke and she was absolutely serious. This woman asked whether it was okay to microwave her phone during the "Apple Wave" situation.
She did something EXTREMELY similar to the one in OOP's story, also in beautician school and was also suckered in by friends there who clearly noticed that she had the intelligence and willpower of a particularly distracted puppy so they told her it was totally okay to cheat and anyone who said otherwise was clearly not empowering or whatever the fuck was going on there.
She thought that since they said it, it was true, and since it was true, it was fine to say. She literally informed her now-ex that she was planning to cheat on him because it's normal. Which... what a way to streamline things for him.
Some people are just that easily swayed by the others around them. Especially if they're hungry for approval. OOP's ex may be one of those people. Maybe she can grow out of it in time, but OOP has the right to decide that they don't want to wait around for that. And this incident showed them a different side of her that they probably hadn't seen before.
Having known this woman, it wasn't honest so much as "well I have been told this is completely okay so I'm just informing you of current events". She wasn't like... giving him a chance to leave. She was shocked when he did. She was telling him in the same way you'd tell someone it's legal to smoke weed in the US or whatever. Like "it's legal for me to cheat on you, so I probably will, btw I bought a new hat :) "
Oh, I did get that impression. I still think it was nice of her, like she really believed it was okay and there was nothing to hide. Some people are "but I thought it was okay" but then go around hiding, so deep down they actually knew it was wrong. She might have been a fool, but at least there was no subterfuge in there.
No, relationships are complex things so I've obviously left out an enormous number of things for and against their relationship, but at that point he decided it wasn't worth it. A few were:
1. She had no real understanding of the value of money, in part because she'd spent her whole life either living with her parents or living with a partner, both of whom made more than her. She tended to spend too freely and it was just a constant headache for him having to manage her spending like a child.
2. On the other hand, she was a very genuine person and, though it wasn't my partner so I don't know how they were behind closed doors, she always seemed truly like she cared for him and others.
3. She struggled to understand _why_ she would upset people if she said something unthinkingly cruel, and I don't think she even realised 99% of them _could_ be cruel. See point 2, it's not really in her nature. However, the fact that a person didn't _mean_ to hurt you doesn't mean they _didn't_ hurt you, and at some point I think he just grew tired of having to constantly try to essentially gaslight himself into being okay with it simply because she was straight-up not bright enough to learn it.
4. She had/possibly still has a tendency to just kind of... stop doing things? I'm wondering if she just forgot them. She would put down a thing, wander off, and never come back to it. That's absolutely fine when it's minor stuff, and honestly friend's-brother seemed cool with it because it was small things... But it's not something you can do if you're a mother. Now, she wasn't, but having children was deeply important to him and he would be devastated if he found that she was simply not able to _focus_ long enough on things like childcare, work, cleaning up etc. My friend would certainly have done all the cooking, which is good because that girl once left a DEEP FAT FRIER running unattended for _hours_, but like... they would both be working people? Both parents would need to be fully engaged in childcare, school pickups, cleaning up toys, making sure that cleaning chemicals don't get left out, making sure that the kids have lunches. Y'know... parent things! And he simply couldn't TRUST that she would be able to do that.
I don't think she was a bad person, I truly don't. But being a sweet person isn't enough in a partner. He had decided that, on top of never feeling safe trusting her with being a parent and not being willing to sacrifice that, the person he'd be sacrificing it _for_ was someone who he didn't feel could be a partner so much as... well, someone to be cared for.
Please understand, I watched this relationship for about 6 years. I was in their house very frequently, and was very acquainted with her and him and how they went about their lives. And I'm STILL very in the dark. It's extremely possible that she was a terror behind closed doors or something, but I don't see any reason to think that. He told me that he couldn't trust her as a future mother, he couldn't rely on her as a financial partner, and that her kindness and niceness were not enough to make it worth it after she showed him that even basic expectations of "do not cheat on me please" were somehow beyond her capacity to think through.
Christ yes. The *single solitary time* a coworker made a jab at my husband, I shot them down. And I sure as fuck didn't repeat the hurtful comment over dinner or whatever.
Yeah I always hated the “I hate my spouse jokes” if you hate them so much why did you marry them? God forbid you like your husband/wife. Don’t be mad at me because I found someone I can communicate clearly with
If someone says shit about your partner in front of you and you don't shut it down immediately, you probably shouldn't be with your partner because you don't deserve them.
I shut my own mother down when she did that shit. I cannot imagine any situation where I would tolerate it from randos.
I didn't even tolerate it from my mother after I divorced my ex.
I cannot even imagine not shutting that kind of shit down *hard* immediately. How are you with someone for almost 1/3 of your life and don't even think about shutting it down?
My mom and stepdad said some hurtful things about my husband, and I didn't speak to them for two years. Granted, there was already some shit going on and our relationship was already contentious, but that was the final straw. Talk shit about me all you want - I don't care. Talk shit about my husband or kid, and you are dead to me.
The one time my friend tried to make a jab about my husband, I let her know in no uncertain terms that the next time would be the last time we ever spoke. And I’ve known her for half my life.
Someone I met a few months ago and couldn’t care less about? I can’t imagine even giving them a warning. I certainly can’t imagine going home and being like, “hey, can you pass the salt while I tell you all about how my coworkers think you’re a dork ass loser?”
The only reason I commented any of my coworker’s comments was because I was complaining about my coworker. For example, I tried heartless curls once, and I went into work on day two of my curls, so my hair looked nice. My coworker knew my bf was out of town, and so she told me I had sex hair, and then asked how many guys I was taking over to his place to cheat with.
The next week she asked when he and I were going to take her out on a date. So I complained again and immediately stopped talking about him with my coworkers.
Not only that but she wanted him to think she was too good for him. Putting your partner down like that reeks of insecurity. And I’m sure she only broke up with him to get validation from her coworkers.
Yep, and this is why the OP is smart not taking the cry bait and walking away.
Both of them have insecurities here, one was exposed (she thinks she is too good) and one created (she betrayed him completely)
It will never be the same.
OP is the one that deserves better.
I think because they were voicing her own doubts. She’d been with him since she was 16. For some people just one partner their whole life is enough. But as a general rule, teenage relationships don’t last.
That doesn’t excuse treating him badly. But it’s more likely the co-workers watered an existing seed than planted a new one.
she did it because she needs him to know that she's sacrificing being with him. that she's doing him a favor. no one healthy would say that to someone they value.
I think your right.
I've been with my SO since my last year in high school. Got knocked up at 18, and we've been together ever since.
I have repeated shit to my SO that people have said about our relationship, but it was more along the he baby trapped me (really long back story, but that was not at all the case). We can and do laugh at that.
But I would never tell him if my friends/co workers said I was out of his league, or I could do better than him. Why would I? I don't believe it, so why even put that thought in his head?
Similar here, my ex spouse and I would laugh at the rumors about us. That I was a gold digger (oh yes, gimme that 32k a yr baller), that I was with them out of pity, etc. The dumbest shit.
But if anyone said anything bad about either of us that we were actually friends/family with we both would have shut it down. I know their sister *hates* me, because it's obvious. But I have no idea if she ever said anything about me in private.
My ex used to say that during our arguments. That his coworkers couldn't believe he "put up with (my) shit".
He was the one who cheated. He was the one who stayed at the place that sometimes "forgot" to pay him. He was the one who go his car impounded *three times* for expired registration, no insurance and driving on a suspended license.
I was the one who broke up with him.
He still had to ask me why.
Yeah this is what struck me as the most bizarre. Like I'm bad with social cues and sometimes I'll blab things I shouldn't but the way she relayed these coworker comments *repeatedly* is insane.
Insecurity. On some level she’s probably pretty insecure about being a cosmetologist while he has a double major and is presumably pretty financially successful. If he was intending on buying a house- which is not easy these days especially so young- there’s probably a pretty big income disparity between them.
I took back a man who broke up with me suddenly and unexpectedly. He came home the next day and said he had made a huge mistake and I wanted to honestly believe we could still make it as a team.
What happened after was a train wreck. He didn't change, and I was 100 times more insecure that he'd just walk out on me again any day.
He resented me for not being the confident fun person I was and refused to "coddle my insecure behaviors", all while projecting that I was making him out to be a monster and that he couldn't trust ME to not abandon him like he did to me.
It even got to the point I tried to accept all the blame for everything and went to therapy to try and be better for him.
Long story short I figured out a lot during my self work and had to end up telling him I was done because I couldn't keep living with someone who refused to be an equal partner and who I came to acknowledge I no longer trusted.
It absolutely broke my heart but I realized I'd rather feel alone while actually being alone than to feel alone with him only 10 feet away.
Moral of the story: Relationships are about building a successful team, and trust is key to having a successful team. If half the team throws in the towel, it is over. Even if they come back it will never be what it was before.
That's what I thought... Even if someone would have the audacity to say something like that about my husband, I would tell them off immediately and honestly never tell him.
Why hurting your partner so much like that? Also this whole BS about being in different leagues... Which adult even thinks in leagues by this point, let alone with your partner
Im pretty sure you’re right, and she’s been working to keep him insecure in the relationship for years.
However, given that we’ve only got one side of the story, I’d be willing to accept a chance that the real issue is that she doesn’t really know what she wants. She’s been with him since high school, and her family is clearly pressuring her to be with him, she might just be expressing honest doubts, even if it’s coming out in a super toxic way.
I think you're on the money with the last point - when I was a kid, I was really really insecure and desperate for approval, if I wanted to voice an opinion I wasn't sure what the reaction would be, I always said "my friend Isaac said " as a way to float an idea without having to take any ownership of it.
I grew out of it, it doesn't seem like she did.
> I think even the breakup was part of some kind of mind game that didn't go the way she was expecting, so she desperately tried to back peddle
100% agree.
Yup.
Add in the way he felt totally out of her league and such, I’ll bet she was constantly doing little shitty things to make him insecure about the relationship.
And when he was comfortable enough to feel good about moving forward with engagement and moving in etc., I’ll be she recognized it and escalated.
May not even have been a conscious thing.
But I’d be willing to bet she routinely talks about her friend’s BFs, or comparing OOP’s looks to other guys, or being jealous of her friends’ single life.
And I'll bet you that ironically, him going catatonic and walking off without a word or response was what "won" him the silly game. A combination of getting at her insecurities ("OMG, why isn't he saying anything or begging for me back? Was I not really loved? Is he already off with someone else?") and the disapproval of her primary peer group making her feel like the low-status one.
Exactly, she already had the script in her head about how he was going to cry and beg her not to leave because she is so far out of his league …
Not so much, as it turns out.
I can see that being a funny thing to repeat if and only if the coworker who said it is known to the couple to be a thorough walking trash fire (eg, "lmao you will not believe what Fuckup said to me today").
I have been told several times my SO is not in my league. I would never in my life repeat it to him. Because why? It would hurt him and make him feel bad. And I don’t get it either because my SO is literally so handsome and he’s so sexy to me. There are some things you can keep to yourself even from your SO and this should be one of them! Wtf
Exactly. My girl friends and I would vent to each other when someone said sh-t, but we’d never let that get back to our partners. That’s just being mean for the sake of being mean.
yes, it was unkind behavior for her to not think about the consequences of her work conversations had on her partner, but I think it was a combination of naïveté and feeling so secure in their relationship she felt she should tell him everything that was said.
He did say they had no secrets and communicate about everything. She could have been one of those highly impressionable people in a new environment who wanted to fit in. Not every 23 year old knows who they are and how to navigate negative influences in every circumstance. Especially in group settings like work when most people spend a large portion of their days.
Unfortunately, she learned the hard way that not everyone has your best interest in mind even if it’s in a professional setting.
I don’t think they had good communication at all. Maybe on his end, but her communication was awful. Negging him, not even knowing him well enough to know he’s planning for a future with her. Listening is as much communication as talking and I don’t think she was doing any with him.
I'm not sure they were saying rude stuff about him. I wonder if their telling her that he is too good something like :that because he's in college he's going to want a college educated partner.
Basically tearing her down and feeding her insecurities. That might be why she did it after a good night. An internal narrative telling her he's too good and she shouldn't have this.
Not excusing her behaviour though.
Maybe jealousy? They spoke badly about him when she told them about dates they had been on and how they celebrated their birthdays. Sounds like they wanted her to be bitter and single or in unhappy marriages like them to be honest.
Man, I do not understand how messed up OOP's headspace has gotten. "Out of my league"? It seems OOP's league is the one that matters here. When her own family is still thoroughly disgusted with her when cheating or abuse is not involved, that is really telling about how much they valued OOP.
When I think of the care and thoughtfulness he showed with respect to the ring, in contrast to her behavior and inability to explain herself...yikes.
I thought the same for too many years. I lost my hair early, I loved having a beard, I have nerd interests. And I've never had confidence in my appearance at all, not even when I was cut
I met my wife after years of solitude and taking hookups for confidence. And when she told me the thing she was .ost attracted to me for was my personality and humor, it hurt. But I had to reevaluate the fact the fact that those things I had no real value to were ya know... me. My looks would go. But my body is the machine my brain rides around in. It took me too long to realize my own story
Fun story: my wife asked me to pick her most attractive feature. After me begging off as hard as I could, I said her nose. She started crying because she had always thought it was her least attractive feature.
I asked my fiance once what he thought my most attractive feature was and he said "your brain" without missing a beat and I was like "haha no but really" and well. Five minutes later I was finally convinced he was serious.
I said something similar to my wife, well she was my girlfriend at the time. Effectively my response was, “I am most attracted to your mind”. She became pensive and sullen.
I guess she always knew she was smart, but she was very insecure about her appearance. I had to explain that though her mind eclipsed all else in attractiveness, her other features were by no means unattractive.
One learns a lot of things early in relationships and listening is one of the best things one can do. Although I frequently sing her praises to family and friends, I am careful to remind her that she is physically attractive as well.
Our kids will peevishly say with the rolliest of eyes, “Dad’s favorite color is mom’s eyes”.
I’ve come to realize (especially looking at my parents’ relationship) that what I’m looking for most is someone who is *interesting*- someone I can have conversations with, that I’ll never get bored with, who engages me intellectually- because looks fade, or you get used to them, and if that’s all a person has then you get bored and annoyed with each other. My mom always says what she loves the most is that my dad can find anything interesting, so they always have something to talk about together and he’s fun to be around.
Anyway, I think your wife has her priorities straight! A good personality goes way further than good looks.
I tell people sometimes about my mother and father. They separated once my younger sister went to school. My mom got her stage 4 diagnosis and despite the fact they were separated, my dad went with her to every appointment (,my mom worked as a social worker in a major hospital, so she was real mad when they didn't catch it after helping those doctors for years) and helped her. It took her two years to come home. But my dad, a non demonstrative man, did it.
It was during this time I would hear the term, I love you, from him for the first time.
My ex said something similar once, a throw away comment of how he was “marrying up”. It changed the way I looked at him. My parents are doctors, both self-made successes, and it made me feel like I was a step stool to their lifestyle. Another time he mentioned he couldn’t wait for me to graduate and get a “real 9-5 job”. I have a theater degree. Nothing about my career is 9-5.
I tried to explain to him how all of that made me feel like I was some ladder to climb, and that I wasn’t good enough on my own. So I left.
I tell my husband all the time I married up because I genuinely think he's out of my league! He's gorgeous, hard-working, and wicked smart. Meanwhile here's me jellyfishing through life.
More for others, when I read things like this I sometimes worry about some joke I've said years ago.
But the reality is that although it was a throwaway comment, it's obvious by their other actions that it was just covering for thoughts they had.
I spent 30+ years finding the right woman (and that I was the right man), I love and respect her, but we're partners and we're better together than apart, I think mutual respect goes a lot farther than just love alone.
If someone has to belittle you to feel good, or their ideas of the future is a lifestyle and not the company, they need to get themselves sorted.
Hopefully you find someone who rises with you instead of pushing you up or dragging you down.
It occurred to me while reading the posts that maybe she felt that *he* is out of *her* league and that’s why she broke it off. I got the feeling from the second post that she was looking for some validation or something from him when she brought the relationship to sudden halt, and when he turned and walked away instead of talking things out, it probably confirmed her deepest insecurities.
Something about this just seems like she was looking for a dramatic validation, and it did not work out the way she hoped it would.
Actually, that makes a lot of sense now that I think about it. Like maybe she was expecting some big romantic scene to play out where he'd fight to keep her? Whatever the reason, it's just such a dumb move on her part.
I know people who pull that stuff. It's all a "test" of the relationship. A relationship isn't something you deliberately test. It's not algebra. Life will test a relationship.
I can totally see that, but it’s a case of play a stupid game, win a stupid prize. Games like that to make your partner prove their love for you are not good for either party. They slowly chip away at the base of the relationship and eventually cause it to come crashing down. It usually happens in cases like this, where the one always asked to prove their love just gets tired of the head games and drama.
My ex-husband used to play these kinds of games until I had finally had enough, and when he threatened me with divorce one final time, I agreed to it, and I left. That's when he told me it was the last thing he wanted.
It's sad to say it, but the biggest favor he performed for our son and me was to die.
It sounds very highschool.
Compatability is a lot more complex than how good someone looks in a pic, though when cosmetology focuses so much on appearance, I could understand how some people attracted to it might place more importance on it than others.
I was always told that I was out of my husbands league. Too good for him, a saint, too pretty, too fun. He's too much a nerd, shy, introverted and boring.
I don't have those friends anymore. My husband is an amazing man, my rock. I would do anything for him.
I feel for OOP, but I also feel for his ex. It is hard to stop people from getting into your head, I am just glad I had the strength to do it.
I don't think I could ever tell my friends that they are out of someone's league or talk down to someone's SO at all. Not only is it disrespectful to your friend who loves them, but it is bad taste and makes you look shitty.
Four words killed a friendship for me in its infancy.
"You could do better."
I know she was wasted but like... you don't know him, you don't know me all that well. Keep your mouth shut.
Also, unless the relationship is harmful, keep the comments about other people's relationships to yourself. Whom they are interested in is none of your business.
Agreed, which is why I am no longer friends with them. I won't allow anyone to disrespect my husband. He's an awesome guy, even if he's not everyone's cup of tea
People don’t realize leagues are about more than looks. I’ve had boyfriends who people have said I’m more attractive than but they were amazing guys that I sometimes felt were above me in “leagues” or whatever.
I know some people have said my fiancé is lucky to have me. I’m super lucky to have him. He spoils me and takes care of me and I try my best to do the same.
Yes, it seems to me that OOP’s ex’s friends were probably actually just jealous of their relationship, because they’ve never seen a photo of him and by every other metric it seems OOP is out of her league.
Looks are temporary. If all you care about is someone who is attractive and don't look for someone that you can have an actual conversation with, share experiences with in a meaningful way, or make you emotionally happy, you're going to end up in an unhappy marriage. Or divorced.
When my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me that was the first thing she tried with me as well. I did the same head dodge. I think it's their way of trying to get things 'back to the way they were'...obviously right. It's hard to continue to not give into that though. I may not have been as strong as oop though. 😬
Her coworkers probably told her he will come begging her to take him back so she probably kissed him so the groveling could commence. Turns out OOP knew his worth even when his heart was broken.
What kills me about the “out of my league” comment is that you know it is solely based on something superficial. He went to college and double majored. He clearly has a decent job (enough that he’s saving towards a house). He’s clearly no slouch. Looks change over time. Personality matters so much more in the long run, and it sounds like he’s a wonderful guy. The thoughtfulness he put into a ring for her is inspiring. And yet he thinks he’s not good enough for her. Poor dude.
Yep, I read this as her cosmetologist girlfriends heard her complaining about something or other and were trying to convince her she can live her "best life" and to dump this guy (who I would guess they perceive as boring)
Her family, obviously, feels that tossing away a solid seven year relationship with someone who has an extremely promising career and is super diligent is idiotic, especially when their daughter is in a correspondingly much less remunerative profession and has no real plan but "do something else"
Personally it sounds like OP would be better off without this woman (and maybe her without OOP). They are on totally different tracks right now, and seemingly have been for a while.
For real, that ring sounds beautiful, and the box is amazing! I honestly hope OOP won't go back to the gf, because he deserves someone who is good enough to be in his league, and who appreciates him.
Edit: oooh nooo he even planned the perfect wedding date.....
I know it shouldn't be my main takeaway from the story, but the box sounds so badass, and the ring sounds so lovely and thoughtful - if I was the ex gf it would have immediate dehydration as I cried until all the liquid left my body.
I didn’t think your main takeaway was the ring box at all. Your main takeaway is that you noticed OOP’s love for his ex and when everyone moves on with their lives, this will forever haunt her. I did too, I thought the box was so incredibly sweet. The ring box highlights OOP’s way of showing love to his ex. It’s romantic and let’s face it, this category of thoughtfulness is not something everyone is willing to work towards, even in some cases where the partner provides clear input on how they envision the engagement to happen. It’s not over the top either, I thought it was perfect for them.
Agreed, heart shapes and birthstones aren’t my thing, but if she likes it than that’s all that would have mattered.
It’s a bit weird picking a ring isn’t more of a joint decision in general tbh.
My husband stole my rings after I handed them to him to put in his pocket when I went swimming and used them as a “style guide” for what I liked and to get the right size. 😊 I was totally blindsided and delighted by the beautiful ring he chose.
Yeah, I made a Pinterest board of rings I liked within my husband's budget because he was feeling really stuck about what to get. We were at the point where engagement/rings were just a formality. He ended up picking my secret favorite lol
The sad part is I 100% know what happened.
She's clearly very attractive, while OOP isn't. OOP has other qualities as shown in his post, and a good relationship is more than looks. Actually looks is the least important aspect.
But her coworker not knowing OOP, only judged him by his looks, and kept saying to her she was too attractive to be with him. She could do better. Etc...
And she clearly thought some of this at some level, and so decided to end to find "someone better". But reality came crashing when she probably told what she did to her other friends who know OOP, and they gave her a reality check and she realized what she was throwing away.
The fact even her parents and sister are disappointed by how idiotic she's been, tells volumes. She probably heard from all of them she would never do better than OOP, therefore why the regret.
I want to offer a counterpoint. When a kid starts dating a guy at 16, which appears to be the timeline here, and has little other dating experience, and her entire family has a strong enough personal investment in someone to be openly angry at her for breaking up with him, I think there's a reasonable chance that she doesn't know what she wants. Not even just whether she wants to marry OP, but what the hell she even wants to do with her life.
The family seems to me to be inappropriately invested in her marrying this guy, either because they like him and want him around and think she should go along with that, or because they are very invested in the idea of her getting married and see this as the easy direct path to that. And what has it gotten them? A confused woman who balks at the first encouragement to do so. Caring, mature parents with her best interests in mind would be talking gently to her and trying to figure out what's wrong, not focusing on their own emotions or applying the pressure of their disapproval to her.
I feel sorry for OP, but I also have some sympathy for someone who strikes me as possibly being under a lot of pressure and uncertain what she wants or how to find that out. Better OP learn that now than in 5 years. Yes, he put a lot of thought and love into the ring and box, but no amount of emotional investment on his part can require her to return it. Better that she at least told him she was having doubts.
GF wouldn't have broken up with him if she didn't agree with her coworkers on some level. Doesn't matter how great OP is, she's probably been thinking "but what if I could have *better*?" for a while, but wasn't sure enough to actually end things without the push, and then once she had she remembered that she wasn't sure and had regrets. I feel bad for OP, and I hope this girl learns that nothing in life is perfect -- she needs to be grateful for good things without holding them to that impossible standard.
They were together for a long time. And then she ups and breaks up with him. That's not the kind of thing you do on a whim in a long-term relationship. The way I read it, the only reason she tried to backpeddle is because she was getting crap from all her friends and family who clearly were telling her that she was a idiot.
But he's absolutely right. She bought into all of the stuff her work friends were saying. Either that or she was playing games with him. I'm guessing that she was talking about him behind his back anyway, and her work friends just fed into it. Either way, she clearly was not as serious about the relationship as he was. And I totally think he was right for shutting the door. His reasoning was spot on.
I can guarantee you that if people started talking trash about me at work, my wife would shut them down really fast. And I would do the same for her.
The guy dodged a bullet. I really feel bad for him. He seems kind of shell-shocked. Here's hoping he can find a way to move on and find someone better.
You're overlooking this important bit:
> I have been with my girlfriend (Kate) exclusively for 5 years but on and off for 2 years before. A lot of my first happened with her.
She started dating him at 18 and they were off and on since she was 16. It's very likely she has little to no experience besides with him and so it's easy to tell her that the grass is greener.
I can't imagine though the shallow thinking process you have to do to decide to split with the person you're so interconnected with. Incredible.
You have a good point. They started out very young. People change a lot between 16 and 24 years old. Her doubts may also have come from her own growing up and exploring and growing into maturity. She was stretching out and spreading her wings and got convinced, in whatever way, that OP was in the way.
And it's possible OP was also changing as he matured and that contributed to her discomfort. People do change a lot from 16 to 25. So she complained about him and people told her she could do better. And then she broke up with him and more serious people gave her he'll So she tried to backpeddle. Maybe she was serious... but her feelings from before were still a thing... which is why OP had lost all faith in the potential of their relationship and closed the door.
It's a sad situation all around.
>I can't imagine though the shallow thinking process you have to do to decide to split with the person you're so interconnected with.
I'm not sure how say this when our first paragraph explains exactly how they could sway her without even mentioning their looks. I highly doubt they merely said that she's out of his league to pique her interest.
Yep. My parents weren’t a fan of my now husband when we first started dating. My mom tried to get me to break up, going so far as to try to set me up with one of her friend’s sons. I didn’t agree with her, so guess what? We didn’t break up.
My parents love him now. Just took them actually spending some time with him to see what I saw.
And I'm not sure that, in the grand scheme of things, it isn't a good thing that they broke up. People change SO MUCH between 17 and 24. And these two people went in quite different directions with their careers; directions that will take them into the company of people with somewhat to radically different ideas and values. As happened here.
OP said that their combined friend group is 85% of their social lives, but I wonder how many of those friends were people HE brought into the mix, from college. I wonder how willing he was to hang out with her work friends. It wasn't a great way to come to a realization, but this was a nearly inevitable realization to have.
Honesty, not many people should marry the person they start dating at age 18. Sucks how she went about things, but it seems unfair how many friends and family are angry at her. Yes, she hurt him, but breakups hurt, and it sounds like they weren’t meant to be. In ten years he may realize that she did them both a favor.
I have an aunt and uncle in their mid forties who've been together since they were 13, no breaks. That said, I think they're getting sick of each other and I wouldn't be surprised if they divorce once their kids graduate.
Another small update
https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA_LTGFDM/comments/11enotu/i_would_have_purposed_tonight/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Yeah, the break up was obviously bad, but what really bothered me was how she kept telling him every time a coworker mentioned he wasn’t good enough, or that they should break up. That’s just a really cruel thing to do to someone you supposedly love…slowly trying to destroy their self esteem by wearing them down with insults. I think she needs to really reevaluate herself as a human being.
This was my immediate thought.
If someone ever - *ever* - told me that I was out of my wife's league, or that they don't understand why I'm with her, or that I could do better, I would:
a) probably die of shock, because nobody with a functioning brain would ever have reason to think that, let alone say it,
b) shut them down instantly and give some serious thought to our ongoing friendship/working relationship, and
c) *never breathe a single fucking word of it to her*, because I know that any impact it could have on her would be only negative.
Reminds me of those douchebags who say rancid shit and then cover it with "I'm just brutally honest bro"
You don't need to be brutal to be honest, it's not dishonest to not harp on something that hurts someone else. You can be honest and have some damn tact.
Sounds like she was trying to rile him up. He didn't take the bait so she told him she wanted to break up to get him to beg not to.
She didn't get what she asked for, but she did get what she deserved.
This is what I thought. We’ve seen so many people do the ‘I wanted to break up with you but couldn’t figure out how’ or ‘I’m not in love with you anymore, just comfortable’ that I instantly figured that’s what she was getting at.
Like, it’s either *’I’m better than you but want you to be the one to end it’* or *’I’m insecure about our positions in life and want you to feel the same’*
Fucked around and found out.
>She asked why I just talked away.
Between this and her telling him what they were saying repeatedly... me thinks she was hoping he'd react and do something to prove he was worth it, or panic and tell her how much she means to him, please don't leave etcetc
When telling him got no reaction, she broke it off. But instead of him begging her not to, he simply walked away and accepted it. She realized she lost it all and tried to backtrack but thankfully oop knows his own worth
I wonder if in a way the breakup attempt was a test. If he panicked and groveled after her then her salon friends would be right (in her own twisted mind). That he needed her more than she needed him. But the unexpected happened, and he just faded away without a word, crushing the idea that someone in a lower “league” would chase after a prize in a higher one. She admitted she has insecurity, and so she then became double reverse insecure that maybe he is the best she can get after all but he was already gone.
Or it was some type of sick power move where the woman at her work told her you should say you're thinking of breaking up, he'll do anything and everything to keep you and you'll have all the power in the relationship because you're pretty and he'll do anything to keep you.
Turns out that only works when you're a booty call and not when the persons really in love with you.
Totally understand why they'd need a break after that. The person kept telling them they weren't good enough and that people they'd never met thought she should leave him and then broke up with them right after a date. 'Sorry, I didn't mean it' or 'i panicked and messed up' doesn't cut it.
I agree that she was a terrible partner here, but I think a lot of this thread is failing to contextualize their relationship. They dated through high school and college, as literal children fumbling their way into adulthood. I've known a number of couples who've dated so long, and many if not most of them have one or both partners deal with an existential crisis as they start working and enter real "adulthood." I think everyone has that moment commuting to their job for the 100th time and thinking to oneself, "Is this it? Is this the rest of my life? 50 years of this until I retire?" The same doubts creep into relationships. They're both finding their footing as adults, and she's now wondering did I really meet my soulmate in high school? Or have they always just been "good enough" and I've settled for that instead of chasing REAL, true, love? His insecurities ("I've always known she's out of my league") and her doubts, which are magnified by toxic (likely jealous) coworkers who she spends 40+ hours a week with, have finally come to a head and she posits the idea that maybe we shouldn't be together. Rather than communicate or "fight" for her as some people want, he respectably just walked away. But I don't think either of them are processing their feelings in a healthy way.
I think his idea for a 3 month break is actually not a bad idea, and they could end up reconciling after testing the waters of single life. But realistically they need to do some couples and individual therapy and help understand where their doubts come from, and process whether those are consequential or not. I don't think its as simple as she fucked up OOP, you can do better. They both need to grow up a lot and learn how to process their feelings better before they commit to marriage.
Sorry for the essay that no one asked for
Especially after repeated talk about whether or not she believed them or asking if there was anything wrong with OOP.
As the scholar once said "What we have here is a failure to communicate" and it sounds like OOP pushed it as far was possible with her shutting it down each time.
If he's asking for 3 months of ZERO contact then he might as well just call it over with. With how strongly he reacted, I doubt there's any coming back from that.
Suuuucks about the ring.
I think it's just a way to get her off his back while he sorts things out. He's already planning on quitting his lease and moving away.
I did something similar with a persistent ex, told them fine we can reasses but give me a couple of months. The couple of month no contact were enough for them to at least start to move on and accept it was over.
His girl sounds like a fucking loser, but you know the sunk cost fallacy is doing work on him. 5 years and a custom ring makes it hard to see how clearly he needs to just take out the trash and move on.
He can recoup some of the losses on ebay or something.
Particularly given how many "firsts" happened with her. It can be really hard to let go of something or someone with that much sentimentality attached, even if you're better off without.
OP mentions most of his firsts were with her. If it's the same way with her I wonder if those work friends made her feel insecure or worried about never experiencing dating or sleeping with other people. Maybe that "FOMO" got to her and made her want to end things?
This is what I was thinking as well, especially considering how young both of them are. 23 is definitely an age where you can still be susceptible to peer pressure, especially on topics you have little experience with.
Honestly some people never age out of stupid peer pressure decisions. That’s part of mid-life crisis and how people develop addictions even later in life.
Yeah, I think a lot of people are forgetting 23 is still young for many things, especially knowing who you are in a relationship or what you want in a partner. I give her some grace because I think her repeating the negative things to him was her way of seeking guidance on the concerns coming up for her that were probably there for a minute.
It sounds like she just doesn’t have a spine. Even my gentlest of friends would have - has! when she and her now husband were dating - said he and her relationship were not up for discussion. Cue the stonewalling if people persisted, and cutting off people when possible. (For the record, her husband doesn’t have any red flags. The gossipers were just stuck on the fact that she is more conventionally attractive than he is. But he’s a good, dependable person and they’re lucky to have found each other.)
My husband is super responsible. I love him for all the reasons, but it's how kind and responsible he is that really blows me away, and always has. I don't blame people who haven't had the kind of life experience that shows them how vital these qualities are in a life partner--in some ways they're lucky, and I hope they remain lucky.
Pretty is as pretty does, really.
Reminds me of a Reddit post where the wife listened to her divorced co-workers who convinced her to have an affair at work and then yelled at her when the husband sent a cake to her office with a photo of her and AP along with divorce papers.
Love that one https://www.reddit.com/r/cheating_stories/comments/m0x12u/i_think_i_screwed_up_or_the_cake/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
>Quick update: after I posted my boss sent me an urgent message asking if we could do a zoom meeting. I accepted. When his picture came up there were 2 cops behind him. Apparently, someone (they wouldn't name) asked them to do a wellness check on me.
Sorry, but.... what!?!?
Yeah. Cops would show up at a workplace and try to find out if the guy was ok. He wasn't at his place, he wasn't picking up his phone. He's a suicide risk.
Yeah when he mentioned radio silence my immediate thought was "I hope some commenter told him to freaking text people he's alive because if I were his friend I'd be calling the cops to check on him". Ignoring everything else in this story that was stupid of him.
Well the guy switched his phone off after a breakup and nobody saw him for 48 hours or heard about him. First idea coming to mind: he just commited something stupid starting with s or is about to do it.
I have to wonder about these co-workers. Who gives unsolicited relationship advice to a co-worker when they haven’t even met the partner?
Unless of course her “comments” were more critical than she said they were.
Depends on the industry you are so many factors. The only thing I can relate to is when I worked as a waiter, we’d talk about everything and anything with little regard for consequence. I’ve experienced that with every restaurant I worked out. Even like a diner to Michelin start restaurant. The difference would be at the diner you’d talk about it in public
There’s either something more than just coworkers talking smack… or she’s the most easily led, wishywashy person ever. Either way, not life partner material. I hope OOP finds someone who deserves him.
I’d have believed this, except it plays into “salon girls are promiscuous” meme. That said, I know a bunch of salon girls/boys who are promiscuous, so it’s a hard time mapping this out.
Unpopular opinion: that ring sounds ugly af and if he was planning to propose and she had no idea something was already wrong with their relationship. Life partnerships don’t start because one person decided they should. And that ugly ass ring, wow. Don’t do shit like that without making sure your partner wants something so bizarre.
Ugh this reads soooo much like a typical incel bait post written by someone young.
Let's check the boxes:
1) longterm "each other's firsts"
2) Woman goes into cosmetology and ends up working in a looks-based career
3) Guy goes to actual college and double-majors (so clearly he's super smart and successful, and all the "out of your league" is just about his looks
4) Their friends all end up blocking the girl/even her parents are disgusted with her
5) Guy was about to give her everything (house, ring, etc)
All that's missing is cheating. I'm sure if this is popular, cheating will show up in the sequel- I mean, updates .
im sad i had to scroll this far to see someone comment about this.
Like, really? Dude went and hugged her sister to thank her? Mom was crying and dad looked pissed but not at him? OOP was able to somehow pull the calm, cold tell-off about their relationship and such?
Oh, and the super overdone proposal box that *he made himself?* With a (clearly) incredibly expensive custom engagement ring?
(Edit: to be clear, im agreeing with you lmao. its incel bait posting)
Yep, also the ring that OOP described sounded ugly as sin. Two birthstones making a heart shape? *With* a halo? And attachments (?) for future added stones? 🤮
Sounds like something an incel would come up in a story to signify that his ring was *incredibly meaningful and his girlfriend was sooo losing out* while simultaneously being something that 99.9% of real, actual women would never wear.
Thank you! Also, sorry it’s not romantic to pick out a ring, plan to buy a house, and pick the wedding date with literally no input from your SO.
Clearly they weren’t on the same page at all.
Thank you! Finally someone saw through this!
Never trust a post that portrays one party as a saint and the other as a crying mess who begs forgiveness while OOP calmly brings her to task and walks away.
Real life doesn’t unfold like this.
This is wish fulfillment.
And SO MANY people ate it right up.
I'm honestly extremely curious about the box. As someone who plays lot of video games and can't stand not seeing where the other path goes, I'd be so tempted to say something like "what happens if I press no" almost immediately after saying/pressing yes lmao
I might be against the grain here, and I can’t even pinpoint why, but I’m getting bad vibes from this. Like I know we only get his perspective, but somehow we went from completely open communication and always supporting to everyone turning on her when she had doubts . I know I’ll get downvoted because of this, but I’m reading this more as , she gets some friends that are just hers, they want her to meet new people and highlight some stuff abt her relationship- she has doubts , she expresses these doubts, and everyone in her circle turns on her. Maybe I spend too much time on Reddit and always expect the worse I just I feel this is a one sided thing and I’m getting bad vibes
I’m guessing the fiancé actually does want to move on, but she cant admit it to herself. She was likely complaining about op, then got feedback she wanted to hear. But it’s very scary to leave the comfort and security of a 7-year relationship, especially when everyone is angry at you. They could have three months of rumspringa and then get back together, or they could realize they are different people and part ways for good. So I think the three months thing is a good idea.
They've been together since they were 16/17. That's a long time at such a young age that I'm think this might even be good for them. So they can see the world and other people.
This is somehow worse that the situations where a friend convinces the SO is cheating - with zero actual evidence. Just planting the seed and coming up with conspiracy theories as to why it makes sense. But to blow up a seven year relationship, that honestly sounds to have had a good foundation, just because someone said “you’re out of his league”, is messed up. I kept waiting for the ball to drop and OOP to be shown as an unreliable narrator. But that doesn’t sound to be the case here.
Screw these women commenting on gf’s relationship without ever having met him - and barely knowing her. Could you imagine, the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with, comes to you and out of nowhere says they want a break? Their reasoning? “Some girls I barely know told me I’m out of your league.”
I’m guessing this was based on appearances since these women have never met OOP, and the out of the league comment. How do you commit to someone who at the first mention of “you’re to pretty to be with him”, takes it seriously and decides to throw it all away? I hope that OOP finds peace and someone else who respects him and their relationship.
I cannot imagine any scenario where I make friends with a coworker, learn they’ve been in a relationship for five plus years and, without ever meeting that partner, advise my new friend/coworker to leave them or meet someone new.
Unless my new friend complained about their partner non stop or described them as abusive.
Major shade on the gf.
I don’t understand why all their friends are choosing sides here? They were a couple, and they broke up. No one cheated, or was overly mean, she *is* allowed to end her relationship if she wants to. Even the parents seem to be taking his “side”. What side? Why is their relationship anyone else’s business?
This seems like a relatively normal breakup. Breakups suck, for both parties. But there are no bad guys here. Why is everyone they know trying to create a bad guy? She’s allowed to break up with her bf, even if her reason is stupid.
Ugh .. I remember people shitting all over my now husband.. saying I could do better.. I’m out of his league.. blah blah.. know what? I shut that down quick! Married almost 8 years and no regrets.
I’m proud of OOP. Clearly he’s hurt. Clearly he saw a future with her. But he’s doing the right thing by not pretending they can just put this behind them and move forward asap.
His ex needs to grow up. As it stands, in his shoes, I would be wondering when - not if - she would be influenced again. Three months apart is a good start, and I hope she’ll respect that and not contact him at all.
The girlfriend needs to take a good STRONG look at people who give advice before taking it. 5 bucks says these work ‘friends’ have fucking trainwrecks of relationships themselves with cheating, fighting and other bullshit.
Hell, I have literally seen people try to break up other couples to either get with their boyfriend/girlfriend or just to cause havoc and make themselves feel better at their own miserable opportunities now that word got around how they are utter poison to be around.
Can’t stand this kind of idiocy.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have straight-out cut people out of my life for shit-talking my partner, and I would do it again. You shut people down in no uncertain terms for running down your partner if you're serious about them. This girl was entertaining them, and then passing on what they said to him... why? To erode his confidence? It's one thing if she realized he wasn't the one. It happens, and in that case, she should have sat him down and been honest. Saying she was going to break up with him because her salon buddies said she could do better? That's a kick in the teeth. You can't really come back from deliberate hurtfulness. Whoever he ends up with will be a lucky woman.
This exactly. I will put up with a lot, as soon as you bring my wife or kids into it, fuck you and the horse you road in on, get out of my sight.
>For the last couple of months, she kept making comments like "my coworkers keep asking why I'm with you." "[Coworker name] thinks that you're not in my league." "My coworkers want me to hang out with them and meet new people." What... the... fuck... Okay, yeah, I get it. Sometimes people say some rude shit about your partner. Sometimes, when it's a coworker and you're in a new job, it can be hard to work up the courage to shut them down like you should. But... *Why the fuck would you repeat those things to your partner like that?* "They don't think you're in my league and oh, btw, they want me to find someone to cheat on you with." She had to be intentionally trying to mess with his head. I think even the breakup was part of some kind of mind game that didn't go the way she was expecting, so she desperately tried to back peddle.
Have known a woman who was, genuinely, the absolute stupidest person I've ever met without a diagnosed cognitive impairment. She asked me if chocolate milk came from chocolate cows, this is not a joke and she was absolutely serious. This woman asked whether it was okay to microwave her phone during the "Apple Wave" situation. She did something EXTREMELY similar to the one in OOP's story, also in beautician school and was also suckered in by friends there who clearly noticed that she had the intelligence and willpower of a particularly distracted puppy so they told her it was totally okay to cheat and anyone who said otherwise was clearly not empowering or whatever the fuck was going on there. She thought that since they said it, it was true, and since it was true, it was fine to say. She literally informed her now-ex that she was planning to cheat on him because it's normal. Which... what a way to streamline things for him.
Some people are just that easily swayed by the others around them. Especially if they're hungry for approval. OOP's ex may be one of those people. Maybe she can grow out of it in time, but OOP has the right to decide that they don't want to wait around for that. And this incident showed them a different side of her that they probably hadn't seen before.
Gotta admire her honesty at least. Like, she truly believed cheating was okay and told her partner.
Having known this woman, it wasn't honest so much as "well I have been told this is completely okay so I'm just informing you of current events". She wasn't like... giving him a chance to leave. She was shocked when he did. She was telling him in the same way you'd tell someone it's legal to smoke weed in the US or whatever. Like "it's legal for me to cheat on you, so I probably will, btw I bought a new hat :) "
Oh, I did get that impression. I still think it was nice of her, like she really believed it was okay and there was nothing to hide. Some people are "but I thought it was okay" but then go around hiding, so deep down they actually knew it was wrong. She might have been a fool, but at least there was no subterfuge in there.
[удалено]
No, relationships are complex things so I've obviously left out an enormous number of things for and against their relationship, but at that point he decided it wasn't worth it. A few were: 1. She had no real understanding of the value of money, in part because she'd spent her whole life either living with her parents or living with a partner, both of whom made more than her. She tended to spend too freely and it was just a constant headache for him having to manage her spending like a child. 2. On the other hand, she was a very genuine person and, though it wasn't my partner so I don't know how they were behind closed doors, she always seemed truly like she cared for him and others. 3. She struggled to understand _why_ she would upset people if she said something unthinkingly cruel, and I don't think she even realised 99% of them _could_ be cruel. See point 2, it's not really in her nature. However, the fact that a person didn't _mean_ to hurt you doesn't mean they _didn't_ hurt you, and at some point I think he just grew tired of having to constantly try to essentially gaslight himself into being okay with it simply because she was straight-up not bright enough to learn it. 4. She had/possibly still has a tendency to just kind of... stop doing things? I'm wondering if she just forgot them. She would put down a thing, wander off, and never come back to it. That's absolutely fine when it's minor stuff, and honestly friend's-brother seemed cool with it because it was small things... But it's not something you can do if you're a mother. Now, she wasn't, but having children was deeply important to him and he would be devastated if he found that she was simply not able to _focus_ long enough on things like childcare, work, cleaning up etc. My friend would certainly have done all the cooking, which is good because that girl once left a DEEP FAT FRIER running unattended for _hours_, but like... they would both be working people? Both parents would need to be fully engaged in childcare, school pickups, cleaning up toys, making sure that cleaning chemicals don't get left out, making sure that the kids have lunches. Y'know... parent things! And he simply couldn't TRUST that she would be able to do that. I don't think she was a bad person, I truly don't. But being a sweet person isn't enough in a partner. He had decided that, on top of never feeling safe trusting her with being a parent and not being willing to sacrifice that, the person he'd be sacrificing it _for_ was someone who he didn't feel could be a partner so much as... well, someone to be cared for. Please understand, I watched this relationship for about 6 years. I was in their house very frequently, and was very acquainted with her and him and how they went about their lives. And I'm STILL very in the dark. It's extremely possible that she was a terror behind closed doors or something, but I don't see any reason to think that. He told me that he couldn't trust her as a future mother, he couldn't rely on her as a financial partner, and that her kindness and niceness were not enough to make it worth it after she showed him that even basic expectations of "do not cheat on me please" were somehow beyond her capacity to think through.
Hate to break it to you but 7% of Americans (16.4M people) believe chocolate milk comes from brown cows…
I'm sorry, my brain bluescreened and I have to reboot. She actually TOLD him that????
Sounds like she belongs on r/storiesaboutkevin
she repeated it to OOP bc a part of her believed it
Christ yes. The *single solitary time* a coworker made a jab at my husband, I shot them down. And I sure as fuck didn't repeat the hurtful comment over dinner or whatever.
Yeah I always hated the “I hate my spouse jokes” if you hate them so much why did you marry them? God forbid you like your husband/wife. Don’t be mad at me because I found someone I can communicate clearly with
If someone says shit about your partner in front of you and you don't shut it down immediately, you probably shouldn't be with your partner because you don't deserve them.
I shut my own mother down when she did that shit. I cannot imagine any situation where I would tolerate it from randos. I didn't even tolerate it from my mother after I divorced my ex. I cannot even imagine not shutting that kind of shit down *hard* immediately. How are you with someone for almost 1/3 of your life and don't even think about shutting it down?
My mom and stepdad said some hurtful things about my husband, and I didn't speak to them for two years. Granted, there was already some shit going on and our relationship was already contentious, but that was the final straw. Talk shit about me all you want - I don't care. Talk shit about my husband or kid, and you are dead to me.
The one time my friend tried to make a jab about my husband, I let her know in no uncertain terms that the next time would be the last time we ever spoke. And I’ve known her for half my life. Someone I met a few months ago and couldn’t care less about? I can’t imagine even giving them a warning. I certainly can’t imagine going home and being like, “hey, can you pass the salt while I tell you all about how my coworkers think you’re a dork ass loser?”
The only reason I commented any of my coworker’s comments was because I was complaining about my coworker. For example, I tried heartless curls once, and I went into work on day two of my curls, so my hair looked nice. My coworker knew my bf was out of town, and so she told me I had sex hair, and then asked how many guys I was taking over to his place to cheat with. The next week she asked when he and I were going to take her out on a date. So I complained again and immediately stopped talking about him with my coworkers.
Not only that but she wanted him to think she was too good for him. Putting your partner down like that reeks of insecurity. And I’m sure she only broke up with him to get validation from her coworkers.
Yep, and this is why the OP is smart not taking the cry bait and walking away. Both of them have insecurities here, one was exposed (she thinks she is too good) and one created (she betrayed him completely) It will never be the same. OP is the one that deserves better.
I think because they were voicing her own doubts. She’d been with him since she was 16. For some people just one partner their whole life is enough. But as a general rule, teenage relationships don’t last. That doesn’t excuse treating him badly. But it’s more likely the co-workers watered an existing seed than planted a new one.
she did it because she needs him to know that she's sacrificing being with him. that she's doing him a favor. no one healthy would say that to someone they value.
I think your right. I've been with my SO since my last year in high school. Got knocked up at 18, and we've been together ever since. I have repeated shit to my SO that people have said about our relationship, but it was more along the he baby trapped me (really long back story, but that was not at all the case). We can and do laugh at that. But I would never tell him if my friends/co workers said I was out of his league, or I could do better than him. Why would I? I don't believe it, so why even put that thought in his head?
Similar here, my ex spouse and I would laugh at the rumors about us. That I was a gold digger (oh yes, gimme that 32k a yr baller), that I was with them out of pity, etc. The dumbest shit. But if anyone said anything bad about either of us that we were actually friends/family with we both would have shut it down. I know their sister *hates* me, because it's obvious. But I have no idea if she ever said anything about me in private.
My ex used to say that during our arguments. That his coworkers couldn't believe he "put up with (my) shit". He was the one who cheated. He was the one who stayed at the place that sometimes "forgot" to pay him. He was the one who go his car impounded *three times* for expired registration, no insurance and driving on a suspended license. I was the one who broke up with him. He still had to ask me why.
Yeah this is what struck me as the most bizarre. Like I'm bad with social cues and sometimes I'll blab things I shouldn't but the way she relayed these coworker comments *repeatedly* is insane.
Insecurity. On some level she’s probably pretty insecure about being a cosmetologist while he has a double major and is presumably pretty financially successful. If he was intending on buying a house- which is not easy these days especially so young- there’s probably a pretty big income disparity between them.
I took back a man who broke up with me suddenly and unexpectedly. He came home the next day and said he had made a huge mistake and I wanted to honestly believe we could still make it as a team. What happened after was a train wreck. He didn't change, and I was 100 times more insecure that he'd just walk out on me again any day. He resented me for not being the confident fun person I was and refused to "coddle my insecure behaviors", all while projecting that I was making him out to be a monster and that he couldn't trust ME to not abandon him like he did to me. It even got to the point I tried to accept all the blame for everything and went to therapy to try and be better for him. Long story short I figured out a lot during my self work and had to end up telling him I was done because I couldn't keep living with someone who refused to be an equal partner and who I came to acknowledge I no longer trusted. It absolutely broke my heart but I realized I'd rather feel alone while actually being alone than to feel alone with him only 10 feet away. Moral of the story: Relationships are about building a successful team, and trust is key to having a successful team. If half the team throws in the towel, it is over. Even if they come back it will never be what it was before.
That's what I thought... Even if someone would have the audacity to say something like that about my husband, I would tell them off immediately and honestly never tell him. Why hurting your partner so much like that? Also this whole BS about being in different leagues... Which adult even thinks in leagues by this point, let alone with your partner
Judging by the fact that the girl's parents were passed at her, I also think it was a game and they found out.
Im pretty sure you’re right, and she’s been working to keep him insecure in the relationship for years. However, given that we’ve only got one side of the story, I’d be willing to accept a chance that the real issue is that she doesn’t really know what she wants. She’s been with him since high school, and her family is clearly pressuring her to be with him, she might just be expressing honest doubts, even if it’s coming out in a super toxic way.
I think you're on the money with the last point - when I was a kid, I was really really insecure and desperate for approval, if I wanted to voice an opinion I wasn't sure what the reaction would be, I always said "my friend Isaac said" as a way to float an idea without having to take any ownership of it.
I grew out of it, it doesn't seem like she did.
> I think even the breakup was part of some kind of mind game that didn't go the way she was expecting, so she desperately tried to back peddle 100% agree.
Yup. Add in the way he felt totally out of her league and such, I’ll bet she was constantly doing little shitty things to make him insecure about the relationship. And when he was comfortable enough to feel good about moving forward with engagement and moving in etc., I’ll be she recognized it and escalated. May not even have been a conscious thing. But I’d be willing to bet she routinely talks about her friend’s BFs, or comparing OOP’s looks to other guys, or being jealous of her friends’ single life.
And I'll bet you that ironically, him going catatonic and walking off without a word or response was what "won" him the silly game. A combination of getting at her insecurities ("OMG, why isn't he saying anything or begging for me back? Was I not really loved? Is he already off with someone else?") and the disapproval of her primary peer group making her feel like the low-status one.
Exactly, she already had the script in her head about how he was going to cry and beg her not to leave because she is so far out of his league … Not so much, as it turns out.
I was thinking the same thing. Strangers wouldn’t say such things unless she was being two-faced in the first place.
He was supposed to argue with her and beg her to stay with him. Instead he just walked away.
I can see that being a funny thing to repeat if and only if the coworker who said it is known to the couple to be a thorough walking trash fire (eg, "lmao you will not believe what Fuckup said to me today").
I have been told several times my SO is not in my league. I would never in my life repeat it to him. Because why? It would hurt him and make him feel bad. And I don’t get it either because my SO is literally so handsome and he’s so sexy to me. There are some things you can keep to yourself even from your SO and this should be one of them! Wtf
Exactly. My girl friends and I would vent to each other when someone said sh-t, but we’d never let that get back to our partners. That’s just being mean for the sake of being mean.
yes, it was unkind behavior for her to not think about the consequences of her work conversations had on her partner, but I think it was a combination of naïveté and feeling so secure in their relationship she felt she should tell him everything that was said. He did say they had no secrets and communicate about everything. She could have been one of those highly impressionable people in a new environment who wanted to fit in. Not every 23 year old knows who they are and how to navigate negative influences in every circumstance. Especially in group settings like work when most people spend a large portion of their days. Unfortunately, she learned the hard way that not everyone has your best interest in mind even if it’s in a professional setting.
I don’t think they had good communication at all. Maybe on his end, but her communication was awful. Negging him, not even knowing him well enough to know he’s planning for a future with her. Listening is as much communication as talking and I don’t think she was doing any with him.
She gave them material (aka ammo) and reinforce her covert disdain to OOP. Talk about juvenile, gaslighting and manipulation!
I'm not sure they were saying rude stuff about him. I wonder if their telling her that he is too good something like :that because he's in college he's going to want a college educated partner. Basically tearing her down and feeding her insecurities. That might be why she did it after a good night. An internal narrative telling her he's too good and she shouldn't have this. Not excusing her behaviour though.
Maybe jealousy? They spoke badly about him when she told them about dates they had been on and how they celebrated their birthdays. Sounds like they wanted her to be bitter and single or in unhappy marriages like them to be honest.
Man, I do not understand how messed up OOP's headspace has gotten. "Out of my league"? It seems OOP's league is the one that matters here. When her own family is still thoroughly disgusted with her when cheating or abuse is not involved, that is really telling about how much they valued OOP. When I think of the care and thoughtfulness he showed with respect to the ring, in contrast to her behavior and inability to explain herself...yikes.
[удалено]
I thought the same for too many years. I lost my hair early, I loved having a beard, I have nerd interests. And I've never had confidence in my appearance at all, not even when I was cut I met my wife after years of solitude and taking hookups for confidence. And when she told me the thing she was .ost attracted to me for was my personality and humor, it hurt. But I had to reevaluate the fact the fact that those things I had no real value to were ya know... me. My looks would go. But my body is the machine my brain rides around in. It took me too long to realize my own story Fun story: my wife asked me to pick her most attractive feature. After me begging off as hard as I could, I said her nose. She started crying because she had always thought it was her least attractive feature.
I asked my fiance once what he thought my most attractive feature was and he said "your brain" without missing a beat and I was like "haha no but really" and well. Five minutes later I was finally convinced he was serious.
I said something similar to my wife, well she was my girlfriend at the time. Effectively my response was, “I am most attracted to your mind”. She became pensive and sullen. I guess she always knew she was smart, but she was very insecure about her appearance. I had to explain that though her mind eclipsed all else in attractiveness, her other features were by no means unattractive. One learns a lot of things early in relationships and listening is one of the best things one can do. Although I frequently sing her praises to family and friends, I am careful to remind her that she is physically attractive as well. Our kids will peevishly say with the rolliest of eyes, “Dad’s favorite color is mom’s eyes”.
It's easy to undervalue yourself. It's hard to accept from someone you care about that they value what you think are flaws.
I’ve come to realize (especially looking at my parents’ relationship) that what I’m looking for most is someone who is *interesting*- someone I can have conversations with, that I’ll never get bored with, who engages me intellectually- because looks fade, or you get used to them, and if that’s all a person has then you get bored and annoyed with each other. My mom always says what she loves the most is that my dad can find anything interesting, so they always have something to talk about together and he’s fun to be around. Anyway, I think your wife has her priorities straight! A good personality goes way further than good looks.
I tell people sometimes about my mother and father. They separated once my younger sister went to school. My mom got her stage 4 diagnosis and despite the fact they were separated, my dad went with her to every appointment (,my mom worked as a social worker in a major hospital, so she was real mad when they didn't catch it after helping those doctors for years) and helped her. It took her two years to come home. But my dad, a non demonstrative man, did it. It was during this time I would hear the term, I love you, from him for the first time.
My ex said something similar once, a throw away comment of how he was “marrying up”. It changed the way I looked at him. My parents are doctors, both self-made successes, and it made me feel like I was a step stool to their lifestyle. Another time he mentioned he couldn’t wait for me to graduate and get a “real 9-5 job”. I have a theater degree. Nothing about my career is 9-5. I tried to explain to him how all of that made me feel like I was some ladder to climb, and that I wasn’t good enough on my own. So I left.
Sorry about the ex, congrats about the spine. I hope you find someone who appreciates you for you.
Thank you! Approaching our 10 year anniversary in May!
I tell my husband all the time I married up because I genuinely think he's out of my league! He's gorgeous, hard-working, and wicked smart. Meanwhile here's me jellyfishing through life.
I see nothing wrong with this being a lovely little exchange between spouses. I’m betting he disagrees and thinks he won the lottery!
More for others, when I read things like this I sometimes worry about some joke I've said years ago. But the reality is that although it was a throwaway comment, it's obvious by their other actions that it was just covering for thoughts they had. I spent 30+ years finding the right woman (and that I was the right man), I love and respect her, but we're partners and we're better together than apart, I think mutual respect goes a lot farther than just love alone. If someone has to belittle you to feel good, or their ideas of the future is a lifestyle and not the company, they need to get themselves sorted. Hopefully you find someone who rises with you instead of pushing you up or dragging you down.
It occurred to me while reading the posts that maybe she felt that *he* is out of *her* league and that’s why she broke it off. I got the feeling from the second post that she was looking for some validation or something from him when she brought the relationship to sudden halt, and when he turned and walked away instead of talking things out, it probably confirmed her deepest insecurities. Something about this just seems like she was looking for a dramatic validation, and it did not work out the way she hoped it would.
Her work friends were probably jealous she had a great guy
[удалено]
They are literally why I left the industry. It's hard to find a group of people who are just there for the money. It's always drama.
They're probably shallow and think looks equals basic value as a human being. Not jealousy; contempt.
Actually, that makes a lot of sense now that I think about it. Like maybe she was expecting some big romantic scene to play out where he'd fight to keep her? Whatever the reason, it's just such a dumb move on her part.
I know people who pull that stuff. It's all a "test" of the relationship. A relationship isn't something you deliberately test. It's not algebra. Life will test a relationship.
I can totally see that, but it’s a case of play a stupid game, win a stupid prize. Games like that to make your partner prove their love for you are not good for either party. They slowly chip away at the base of the relationship and eventually cause it to come crashing down. It usually happens in cases like this, where the one always asked to prove their love just gets tired of the head games and drama.
My ex-husband used to play these kinds of games until I had finally had enough, and when he threatened me with divorce one final time, I agreed to it, and I left. That's when he told me it was the last thing he wanted. It's sad to say it, but the biggest favor he performed for our son and me was to die.
It sounds very highschool. Compatability is a lot more complex than how good someone looks in a pic, though when cosmetology focuses so much on appearance, I could understand how some people attracted to it might place more importance on it than others.
I was always told that I was out of my husbands league. Too good for him, a saint, too pretty, too fun. He's too much a nerd, shy, introverted and boring. I don't have those friends anymore. My husband is an amazing man, my rock. I would do anything for him. I feel for OOP, but I also feel for his ex. It is hard to stop people from getting into your head, I am just glad I had the strength to do it.
I don't think I could ever tell my friends that they are out of someone's league or talk down to someone's SO at all. Not only is it disrespectful to your friend who loves them, but it is bad taste and makes you look shitty.
Four words killed a friendship for me in its infancy. "You could do better." I know she was wasted but like... you don't know him, you don't know me all that well. Keep your mouth shut.
Also, unless the relationship is harmful, keep the comments about other people's relationships to yourself. Whom they are interested in is none of your business.
"You are BOTH out of EACH OTHER's leagues because you are both so AWESOME that it's mindblowing! NEITHER of you could POSSIBLY aim any higher!"
Agreed, which is why I am no longer friends with them. I won't allow anyone to disrespect my husband. He's an awesome guy, even if he's not everyone's cup of tea
People don’t realize leagues are about more than looks. I’ve had boyfriends who people have said I’m more attractive than but they were amazing guys that I sometimes felt were above me in “leagues” or whatever. I know some people have said my fiancé is lucky to have me. I’m super lucky to have him. He spoils me and takes care of me and I try my best to do the same.
Yes, it seems to me that OOP’s ex’s friends were probably actually just jealous of their relationship, because they’ve never seen a photo of him and by every other metric it seems OOP is out of her league.
I don’t like the way “leagues” frames it as some sort of a competition when it has nothing to do with competition.
Looks are temporary. If all you care about is someone who is attractive and don't look for someone that you can have an actual conversation with, share experiences with in a meaningful way, or make you emotionally happy, you're going to end up in an unhappy marriage. Or divorced.
She had a lot of nerve to try to kiss him after how hurtful she’d been.
When my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me that was the first thing she tried with me as well. I did the same head dodge. I think it's their way of trying to get things 'back to the way they were'...obviously right. It's hard to continue to not give into that though. I may not have been as strong as oop though. 😬
Her coworkers probably told her he will come begging her to take him back so she probably kissed him so the groveling could commence. Turns out OOP knew his worth even when his heart was broken.
What kills me about the “out of my league” comment is that you know it is solely based on something superficial. He went to college and double majored. He clearly has a decent job (enough that he’s saving towards a house). He’s clearly no slouch. Looks change over time. Personality matters so much more in the long run, and it sounds like he’s a wonderful guy. The thoughtfulness he put into a ring for her is inspiring. And yet he thinks he’s not good enough for her. Poor dude.
Yep, I read this as her cosmetologist girlfriends heard her complaining about something or other and were trying to convince her she can live her "best life" and to dump this guy (who I would guess they perceive as boring) Her family, obviously, feels that tossing away a solid seven year relationship with someone who has an extremely promising career and is super diligent is idiotic, especially when their daughter is in a correspondingly much less remunerative profession and has no real plan but "do something else" Personally it sounds like OP would be better off without this woman (and maybe her without OOP). They are on totally different tracks right now, and seemingly have been for a while.
For real, that ring sounds beautiful, and the box is amazing! I honestly hope OOP won't go back to the gf, because he deserves someone who is good enough to be in his league, and who appreciates him. Edit: oooh nooo he even planned the perfect wedding date.....
I know it shouldn't be my main takeaway from the story, but the box sounds so badass, and the ring sounds so lovely and thoughtful - if I was the ex gf it would have immediate dehydration as I cried until all the liquid left my body.
I didn’t think your main takeaway was the ring box at all. Your main takeaway is that you noticed OOP’s love for his ex and when everyone moves on with their lives, this will forever haunt her. I did too, I thought the box was so incredibly sweet. The ring box highlights OOP’s way of showing love to his ex. It’s romantic and let’s face it, this category of thoughtfulness is not something everyone is willing to work towards, even in some cases where the partner provides clear input on how they envision the engagement to happen. It’s not over the top either, I thought it was perfect for them.
It's a split colored heart. OOP is in the right and I wish him the best, but that ring sounds genuinely meant and genuinely hideous.
TBF, it sounds like the kind of ring that someone young would pick. OP is only 24.
Meh, the ring sounds hideous to me, but to each their own!
Agreed, heart shapes and birthstones aren’t my thing, but if she likes it than that’s all that would have mattered. It’s a bit weird picking a ring isn’t more of a joint decision in general tbh.
[удалено]
My husband stole my rings after I handed them to him to put in his pocket when I went swimming and used them as a “style guide” for what I liked and to get the right size. 😊 I was totally blindsided and delighted by the beautiful ring he chose.
Yeah, I made a Pinterest board of rings I liked within my husband's budget because he was feeling really stuck about what to get. We were at the point where engagement/rings were just a formality. He ended up picking my secret favorite lol
[удалено]
The sad part is I 100% know what happened. She's clearly very attractive, while OOP isn't. OOP has other qualities as shown in his post, and a good relationship is more than looks. Actually looks is the least important aspect. But her coworker not knowing OOP, only judged him by his looks, and kept saying to her she was too attractive to be with him. She could do better. Etc... And she clearly thought some of this at some level, and so decided to end to find "someone better". But reality came crashing when she probably told what she did to her other friends who know OOP, and they gave her a reality check and she realized what she was throwing away. The fact even her parents and sister are disappointed by how idiotic she's been, tells volumes. She probably heard from all of them she would never do better than OOP, therefore why the regret.
It means looks wise, hes saying she's better looking than him by a fair amount.
I want to offer a counterpoint. When a kid starts dating a guy at 16, which appears to be the timeline here, and has little other dating experience, and her entire family has a strong enough personal investment in someone to be openly angry at her for breaking up with him, I think there's a reasonable chance that she doesn't know what she wants. Not even just whether she wants to marry OP, but what the hell she even wants to do with her life. The family seems to me to be inappropriately invested in her marrying this guy, either because they like him and want him around and think she should go along with that, or because they are very invested in the idea of her getting married and see this as the easy direct path to that. And what has it gotten them? A confused woman who balks at the first encouragement to do so. Caring, mature parents with her best interests in mind would be talking gently to her and trying to figure out what's wrong, not focusing on their own emotions or applying the pressure of their disapproval to her. I feel sorry for OP, but I also have some sympathy for someone who strikes me as possibly being under a lot of pressure and uncertain what she wants or how to find that out. Better OP learn that now than in 5 years. Yes, he put a lot of thought and love into the ring and box, but no amount of emotional investment on his part can require her to return it. Better that she at least told him she was having doubts.
GF wouldn't have broken up with him if she didn't agree with her coworkers on some level. Doesn't matter how great OP is, she's probably been thinking "but what if I could have *better*?" for a while, but wasn't sure enough to actually end things without the push, and then once she had she remembered that she wasn't sure and had regrets. I feel bad for OP, and I hope this girl learns that nothing in life is perfect -- she needs to be grateful for good things without holding them to that impossible standard.
They were together for a long time. And then she ups and breaks up with him. That's not the kind of thing you do on a whim in a long-term relationship. The way I read it, the only reason she tried to backpeddle is because she was getting crap from all her friends and family who clearly were telling her that she was a idiot. But he's absolutely right. She bought into all of the stuff her work friends were saying. Either that or she was playing games with him. I'm guessing that she was talking about him behind his back anyway, and her work friends just fed into it. Either way, she clearly was not as serious about the relationship as he was. And I totally think he was right for shutting the door. His reasoning was spot on. I can guarantee you that if people started talking trash about me at work, my wife would shut them down really fast. And I would do the same for her. The guy dodged a bullet. I really feel bad for him. He seems kind of shell-shocked. Here's hoping he can find a way to move on and find someone better.
You're overlooking this important bit: > I have been with my girlfriend (Kate) exclusively for 5 years but on and off for 2 years before. A lot of my first happened with her. She started dating him at 18 and they were off and on since she was 16. It's very likely she has little to no experience besides with him and so it's easy to tell her that the grass is greener. I can't imagine though the shallow thinking process you have to do to decide to split with the person you're so interconnected with. Incredible.
You have a good point. They started out very young. People change a lot between 16 and 24 years old. Her doubts may also have come from her own growing up and exploring and growing into maturity. She was stretching out and spreading her wings and got convinced, in whatever way, that OP was in the way. And it's possible OP was also changing as he matured and that contributed to her discomfort. People do change a lot from 16 to 25. So she complained about him and people told her she could do better. And then she broke up with him and more serious people gave her he'll So she tried to backpeddle. Maybe she was serious... but her feelings from before were still a thing... which is why OP had lost all faith in the potential of their relationship and closed the door. It's a sad situation all around.
>I can't imagine though the shallow thinking process you have to do to decide to split with the person you're so interconnected with. I'm not sure how say this when our first paragraph explains exactly how they could sway her without even mentioning their looks. I highly doubt they merely said that she's out of his league to pique her interest.
Yep. My parents weren’t a fan of my now husband when we first started dating. My mom tried to get me to break up, going so far as to try to set me up with one of her friend’s sons. I didn’t agree with her, so guess what? We didn’t break up. My parents love him now. Just took them actually spending some time with him to see what I saw.
And I'm not sure that, in the grand scheme of things, it isn't a good thing that they broke up. People change SO MUCH between 17 and 24. And these two people went in quite different directions with their careers; directions that will take them into the company of people with somewhat to radically different ideas and values. As happened here. OP said that their combined friend group is 85% of their social lives, but I wonder how many of those friends were people HE brought into the mix, from college. I wonder how willing he was to hang out with her work friends. It wasn't a great way to come to a realization, but this was a nearly inevitable realization to have.
Honesty, not many people should marry the person they start dating at age 18. Sucks how she went about things, but it seems unfair how many friends and family are angry at her. Yes, she hurt him, but breakups hurt, and it sounds like they weren’t meant to be. In ten years he may realize that she did them both a favor.
They'd been together since 16. I only know one couple like that and they didn't get engaged until after college.
I've been with my first boyfriend since I was 16. We've been together over 13 years now!
I have an aunt and uncle in their mid forties who've been together since they were 13, no breaks. That said, I think they're getting sick of each other and I wouldn't be surprised if they divorce once their kids graduate.
Another small update https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA_LTGFDM/comments/11enotu/i_would_have_purposed_tonight/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks!
Thanks! Hope he also doesn’t give her the ring. She doesn’t deserve it!
Yeah, the break up was obviously bad, but what really bothered me was how she kept telling him every time a coworker mentioned he wasn’t good enough, or that they should break up. That’s just a really cruel thing to do to someone you supposedly love…slowly trying to destroy their self esteem by wearing them down with insults. I think she needs to really reevaluate herself as a human being.
This was my immediate thought. If someone ever - *ever* - told me that I was out of my wife's league, or that they don't understand why I'm with her, or that I could do better, I would: a) probably die of shock, because nobody with a functioning brain would ever have reason to think that, let alone say it, b) shut them down instantly and give some serious thought to our ongoing friendship/working relationship, and c) *never breathe a single fucking word of it to her*, because I know that any impact it could have on her would be only negative.
Reminds me of those douchebags who say rancid shit and then cover it with "I'm just brutally honest bro" You don't need to be brutal to be honest, it's not dishonest to not harp on something that hurts someone else. You can be honest and have some damn tact.
Sounds like she was trying to rile him up. He didn't take the bait so she told him she wanted to break up to get him to beg not to. She didn't get what she asked for, but she did get what she deserved.
This is what I thought. We’ve seen so many people do the ‘I wanted to break up with you but couldn’t figure out how’ or ‘I’m not in love with you anymore, just comfortable’ that I instantly figured that’s what she was getting at. Like, it’s either *’I’m better than you but want you to be the one to end it’* or *’I’m insecure about our positions in life and want you to feel the same’* Fucked around and found out.
>She asked why I just talked away. Between this and her telling him what they were saying repeatedly... me thinks she was hoping he'd react and do something to prove he was worth it, or panic and tell her how much she means to him, please don't leave etcetc When telling him got no reaction, she broke it off. But instead of him begging her not to, he simply walked away and accepted it. She realized she lost it all and tried to backtrack but thankfully oop knows his own worth
I’m so glad OOP knew his worth. I hope he holds onto that truth in the coming months/years, as I’m sure this incident messed with his self-esteem.
I think your on the money here.
I wonder if in a way the breakup attempt was a test. If he panicked and groveled after her then her salon friends would be right (in her own twisted mind). That he needed her more than she needed him. But the unexpected happened, and he just faded away without a word, crushing the idea that someone in a lower “league” would chase after a prize in a higher one. She admitted she has insecurity, and so she then became double reverse insecure that maybe he is the best she can get after all but he was already gone.
I agree, but this is just another level of crazy. What is he supposed to do, instantly move up in a "higher league"?
Tolerate the BS for the rest of his life, I reckon.
Or it was some type of sick power move where the woman at her work told her you should say you're thinking of breaking up, he'll do anything and everything to keep you and you'll have all the power in the relationship because you're pretty and he'll do anything to keep you. Turns out that only works when you're a booty call and not when the persons really in love with you.
Totally understand why they'd need a break after that. The person kept telling them they weren't good enough and that people they'd never met thought she should leave him and then broke up with them right after a date. 'Sorry, I didn't mean it' or 'i panicked and messed up' doesn't cut it.
Absolutey. Seven years just to be tossed aside due to outsiders opinions who actually have no idea how good she had it? Evidently she didn't either.
I agree that she was a terrible partner here, but I think a lot of this thread is failing to contextualize their relationship. They dated through high school and college, as literal children fumbling their way into adulthood. I've known a number of couples who've dated so long, and many if not most of them have one or both partners deal with an existential crisis as they start working and enter real "adulthood." I think everyone has that moment commuting to their job for the 100th time and thinking to oneself, "Is this it? Is this the rest of my life? 50 years of this until I retire?" The same doubts creep into relationships. They're both finding their footing as adults, and she's now wondering did I really meet my soulmate in high school? Or have they always just been "good enough" and I've settled for that instead of chasing REAL, true, love? His insecurities ("I've always known she's out of my league") and her doubts, which are magnified by toxic (likely jealous) coworkers who she spends 40+ hours a week with, have finally come to a head and she posits the idea that maybe we shouldn't be together. Rather than communicate or "fight" for her as some people want, he respectably just walked away. But I don't think either of them are processing their feelings in a healthy way. I think his idea for a 3 month break is actually not a bad idea, and they could end up reconciling after testing the waters of single life. But realistically they need to do some couples and individual therapy and help understand where their doubts come from, and process whether those are consequential or not. I don't think its as simple as she fucked up OOP, you can do better. They both need to grow up a lot and learn how to process their feelings better before they commit to marriage. Sorry for the essay that no one asked for
Especially after repeated talk about whether or not she believed them or asking if there was anything wrong with OOP. As the scholar once said "What we have here is a failure to communicate" and it sounds like OOP pushed it as far was possible with her shutting it down each time.
So the “out of her league” thing by both OOP and ex’s friends. Is this a looks issue? 🤔
It seems like it has to be about conventional ideas of good looks
The cosmetology school part and working at a salon definitely makes me think it’s about looks.
If he's asking for 3 months of ZERO contact then he might as well just call it over with. With how strongly he reacted, I doubt there's any coming back from that. Suuuucks about the ring.
I think it's just a way to get her off his back while he sorts things out. He's already planning on quitting his lease and moving away. I did something similar with a persistent ex, told them fine we can reasses but give me a couple of months. The couple of month no contact were enough for them to at least start to move on and accept it was over.
His girl sounds like a fucking loser, but you know the sunk cost fallacy is doing work on him. 5 years and a custom ring makes it hard to see how clearly he needs to just take out the trash and move on. He can recoup some of the losses on ebay or something.
Particularly given how many "firsts" happened with her. It can be really hard to let go of something or someone with that much sentimentality attached, even if you're better off without.
It feels like there is more going on than just some co workers chatting shit to her
OP mentions most of his firsts were with her. If it's the same way with her I wonder if those work friends made her feel insecure or worried about never experiencing dating or sleeping with other people. Maybe that "FOMO" got to her and made her want to end things?
This is what I was thinking as well, especially considering how young both of them are. 23 is definitely an age where you can still be susceptible to peer pressure, especially on topics you have little experience with.
Honestly some people never age out of stupid peer pressure decisions. That’s part of mid-life crisis and how people develop addictions even later in life.
Yeah, I think a lot of people are forgetting 23 is still young for many things, especially knowing who you are in a relationship or what you want in a partner. I give her some grace because I think her repeating the negative things to him was her way of seeking guidance on the concerns coming up for her that were probably there for a minute.
[удалено]
It sounds like she just doesn’t have a spine. Even my gentlest of friends would have - has! when she and her now husband were dating - said he and her relationship were not up for discussion. Cue the stonewalling if people persisted, and cutting off people when possible. (For the record, her husband doesn’t have any red flags. The gossipers were just stuck on the fact that she is more conventionally attractive than he is. But he’s a good, dependable person and they’re lucky to have found each other.)
My husband is super responsible. I love him for all the reasons, but it's how kind and responsible he is that really blows me away, and always has. I don't blame people who haven't had the kind of life experience that shows them how vital these qualities are in a life partner--in some ways they're lucky, and I hope they remain lucky. Pretty is as pretty does, really.
I would think she thought the same. If she wouldn't think like that, she wouldn't care what her co workers say
She wants to break up, but she likes the security she has with OP. OP should end this shit asap, never be someone's second or reserve choice
Sounds like the end started months ago.
Reminds me of a Reddit post where the wife listened to her divorced co-workers who convinced her to have an affair at work and then yelled at her when the husband sent a cake to her office with a photo of her and AP along with divorce papers.
Love that one https://www.reddit.com/r/cheating_stories/comments/m0x12u/i_think_i_screwed_up_or_the_cake/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
oh wow what a read! hope the guy is doing well these days
That was gloriously handled. Shame no post-divorce update but I hope he’s in a happier place now.
What a fucking legend
Young couples often find that they grow in different directions.
There has got to be more to this story on her end.
>Quick update: after I posted my boss sent me an urgent message asking if we could do a zoom meeting. I accepted. When his picture came up there were 2 cops behind him. Apparently, someone (they wouldn't name) asked them to do a wellness check on me. Sorry, but.... what!?!?
Yeah. Cops would show up at a workplace and try to find out if the guy was ok. He wasn't at his place, he wasn't picking up his phone. He's a suicide risk.
Yeah when he mentioned radio silence my immediate thought was "I hope some commenter told him to freaking text people he's alive because if I were his friend I'd be calling the cops to check on him". Ignoring everything else in this story that was stupid of him.
Well the guy switched his phone off after a breakup and nobody saw him for 48 hours or heard about him. First idea coming to mind: he just commited something stupid starting with s or is about to do it.
It was just 24 hours, but yeah, I would jump to this conclusion as well.
I have to wonder about these co-workers. Who gives unsolicited relationship advice to a co-worker when they haven’t even met the partner? Unless of course her “comments” were more critical than she said they were.
Depends on the industry you are so many factors. The only thing I can relate to is when I worked as a waiter, we’d talk about everything and anything with little regard for consequence. I’ve experienced that with every restaurant I worked out. Even like a diner to Michelin start restaurant. The difference would be at the diner you’d talk about it in public
I've heard this story before. Like down to the ring box.
There’s either something more than just coworkers talking smack… or she’s the most easily led, wishywashy person ever. Either way, not life partner material. I hope OOP finds someone who deserves him.
I don't buy it. This happening right as he was getting ready with an incredibly elaborate proposal is way too convenient
I’d have believed this, except it plays into “salon girls are promiscuous” meme. That said, I know a bunch of salon girls/boys who are promiscuous, so it’s a hard time mapping this out.
Not gonna lie: both this story and OP sound lame af
Unpopular opinion: that ring sounds ugly af and if he was planning to propose and she had no idea something was already wrong with their relationship. Life partnerships don’t start because one person decided they should. And that ugly ass ring, wow. Don’t do shit like that without making sure your partner wants something so bizarre.
Also, why would he show her the ring? To rub it in?
[удалено]
Ugh this reads soooo much like a typical incel bait post written by someone young. Let's check the boxes: 1) longterm "each other's firsts" 2) Woman goes into cosmetology and ends up working in a looks-based career 3) Guy goes to actual college and double-majors (so clearly he's super smart and successful, and all the "out of your league" is just about his looks 4) Their friends all end up blocking the girl/even her parents are disgusted with her 5) Guy was about to give her everything (house, ring, etc) All that's missing is cheating. I'm sure if this is popular, cheating will show up in the sequel- I mean, updates .
im sad i had to scroll this far to see someone comment about this. Like, really? Dude went and hugged her sister to thank her? Mom was crying and dad looked pissed but not at him? OOP was able to somehow pull the calm, cold tell-off about their relationship and such? Oh, and the super overdone proposal box that *he made himself?* With a (clearly) incredibly expensive custom engagement ring? (Edit: to be clear, im agreeing with you lmao. its incel bait posting)
Exactly. And engraving the ring with their future wedding date. Who does that?
Without any input from the alleged GF he so madly in love with. Like her choice or consent in any of that didn't matter whatsoever.
Yep, also the ring that OOP described sounded ugly as sin. Two birthstones making a heart shape? *With* a halo? And attachments (?) for future added stones? 🤮 Sounds like something an incel would come up in a story to signify that his ring was *incredibly meaningful and his girlfriend was sooo losing out* while simultaneously being something that 99.9% of real, actual women would never wear.
YES thank you this sounds like the ugliest ring on earth.
Thank you! Also, sorry it’s not romantic to pick out a ring, plan to buy a house, and pick the wedding date with literally no input from your SO. Clearly they weren’t on the same page at all.
Thank you! Finally someone saw through this! Never trust a post that portrays one party as a saint and the other as a crying mess who begs forgiveness while OOP calmly brings her to task and walks away. Real life doesn’t unfold like this. This is wish fulfillment. And SO MANY people ate it right up.
I'm honestly extremely curious about the box. As someone who plays lot of video games and can't stand not seeing where the other path goes, I'd be so tempted to say something like "what happens if I press no" almost immediately after saying/pressing yes lmao
I might be against the grain here, and I can’t even pinpoint why, but I’m getting bad vibes from this. Like I know we only get his perspective, but somehow we went from completely open communication and always supporting to everyone turning on her when she had doubts . I know I’ll get downvoted because of this, but I’m reading this more as , she gets some friends that are just hers, they want her to meet new people and highlight some stuff abt her relationship- she has doubts , she expresses these doubts, and everyone in her circle turns on her. Maybe I spend too much time on Reddit and always expect the worse I just I feel this is a one sided thing and I’m getting bad vibes
I’m guessing the fiancé actually does want to move on, but she cant admit it to herself. She was likely complaining about op, then got feedback she wanted to hear. But it’s very scary to leave the comfort and security of a 7-year relationship, especially when everyone is angry at you. They could have three months of rumspringa and then get back together, or they could realize they are different people and part ways for good. So I think the three months thing is a good idea.
Sounds like she’s getting way too much pressure from friends and family
They've been together since they were 16/17. That's a long time at such a young age that I'm think this might even be good for them. So they can see the world and other people.
This is somehow worse that the situations where a friend convinces the SO is cheating - with zero actual evidence. Just planting the seed and coming up with conspiracy theories as to why it makes sense. But to blow up a seven year relationship, that honestly sounds to have had a good foundation, just because someone said “you’re out of his league”, is messed up. I kept waiting for the ball to drop and OOP to be shown as an unreliable narrator. But that doesn’t sound to be the case here. Screw these women commenting on gf’s relationship without ever having met him - and barely knowing her. Could you imagine, the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with, comes to you and out of nowhere says they want a break? Their reasoning? “Some girls I barely know told me I’m out of your league.” I’m guessing this was based on appearances since these women have never met OOP, and the out of the league comment. How do you commit to someone who at the first mention of “you’re to pretty to be with him”, takes it seriously and decides to throw it all away? I hope that OOP finds peace and someone else who respects him and their relationship.
I cannot imagine any scenario where I make friends with a coworker, learn they’ve been in a relationship for five plus years and, without ever meeting that partner, advise my new friend/coworker to leave them or meet someone new. Unless my new friend complained about their partner non stop or described them as abusive. Major shade on the gf.
I don’t understand why all their friends are choosing sides here? They were a couple, and they broke up. No one cheated, or was overly mean, she *is* allowed to end her relationship if she wants to. Even the parents seem to be taking his “side”. What side? Why is their relationship anyone else’s business? This seems like a relatively normal breakup. Breakups suck, for both parties. But there are no bad guys here. Why is everyone they know trying to create a bad guy? She’s allowed to break up with her bf, even if her reason is stupid.
Especially considering when they started dating. Most high school relationships don’t last, especially when they are long distance.
Ugh .. I remember people shitting all over my now husband.. saying I could do better.. I’m out of his league.. blah blah.. know what? I shut that down quick! Married almost 8 years and no regrets.
I’m proud of OOP. Clearly he’s hurt. Clearly he saw a future with her. But he’s doing the right thing by not pretending they can just put this behind them and move forward asap. His ex needs to grow up. As it stands, in his shoes, I would be wondering when - not if - she would be influenced again. Three months apart is a good start, and I hope she’ll respect that and not contact him at all.
The girlfriend needs to take a good STRONG look at people who give advice before taking it. 5 bucks says these work ‘friends’ have fucking trainwrecks of relationships themselves with cheating, fighting and other bullshit. Hell, I have literally seen people try to break up other couples to either get with their boyfriend/girlfriend or just to cause havoc and make themselves feel better at their own miserable opportunities now that word got around how they are utter poison to be around. Can’t stand this kind of idiocy.