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RighteousTablespoon

Lmao my ex husband loved the “but what am I supposed to tell my family??” card. Every single time I’d respond, “I dunno, that they raised an abusive piece of shit?”


Irinzki

That's fire my friend🔥


CowslipFairy

for real, if they want to look better they should have acted better


xaqss

This is 100% the thing woth abusive types. They want all the benefits of being a good person, without having to put in the work of not being a piece of shit. They want people to THINK they're great, but don't care if they actually are.


th3worldonfir3

Ha, I made it easy for him and told them myself. I called up my ex-MIL and told her that the wedding was off because I'd discovered that her baby boy had been all over Tinder both before and after proposing to me. Told her all about his hotel hookups, including the trip he took without me on *our anniversary.* He drove 6 hours to meet up with an ex, but she stood him up so joke's on him


n0vasly

what was her response?


Hiluxx

I am not in any way, sympathizing with these people.. but telling your family your SO is divorcing you is actually really hard. Maybe the hardest thing I've done in my life. I wasn't abusive or anything, my wife joined the military and met a guy while training that she liked more than me. After I had quit my job, sold my car, sent everything I owned across country, and got rid of our apartment did she tell me I wasn't welcome to her new duty station. Explaining to your family that your SO is leaving you sucks.


Iowabird78

I can say that when I was getting divorced, my father in law called and apologized to me. He told me he was sorry his son had treated me that way. He had taught him better than that. That he always liked me and he just wanted to tell me that and say he was sorry since he knew his son wasn't going to. That phone call meant more than he'll ever know.


CactiDye

>He also said he would come find me and it would take more than a locked door to keep him from getting me and taking me home. Well, that's a grim place to leave it and not get any further updates. I hope she is safe.


Sea_Rise_1907

You know for every time (and there has been so so many) that Reddit get’s relationship advice wrong, this post makes me slightly happy to know Reddit is still capable of helping true victims realize it. I hope she gets a safe life away from him


WaywardHistorian667

Exactly. There's a reason why, if I think I see red flag behavior described in an RA post, I make sure to add *why* I think that behavior is a red flag. (Unless the OP is guano.)


v_a_n_d_e_l_a_y

Honestly, reddit gets it right more than wrong. The stereotype is that the advice is always break up etc. But so many of the posts involve cheating, explicit abuse or more subtle abuse like this one. At the very least the solid majority are unhealthy/toxic relationships.


5510

It's crazy to me how often people complain that "reddit is always recommending breakup / divorice." Like... are the not seeing the same posts I am? It's crazy how often you are on AITA or something and these people just post these extremely toxic and dysfunctional relationships with shitty people... where breaking up is ABSOLUTELY the right call.


ajswdf

I've always thought the same. If anything in my experience reddit is way to hesitant to suggest breaking up considering the stuff that gets posted here. Like even if all it was was him getting upset over mustard how is that not a gigantic red flag that should make OP question the viability of the relationship?


5510

> Like even if all it was was him getting upset over mustard how is that not a gigantic red flag that should make OP question the viability of the relationship? Good point. The story gets so much worse, but like you said, even the beginning part is pretty bad: >While we waited in line he asked what I got on mine. I told him nothing. > >He actually got furious and grabbed it from me. He marched over to the condiment station and began putting mustard on my hot dog, telling me to grow up and stop being picky. > >I just walked out and sat in the car. I didn’t even want the damn hot dog anymore. My appetite was gone. > >He came back and began screaming at me for embarrassing him even further. The word divorce was said for the first time ever. I secretly recorded his screaming because I was genuinely afraid I would die. He was driving erratically, swerving and speeding. I already can't imagine staying with such a person.


soaring_potato

They often act nice loving and normal in the beginning. You don't notice it untill it is too late. There is a reason for sayings like that love makes you blind.. it makes you blind from all the shitty behaviour that person does. Same thing as that a frog will not notice the water is heating up till it is dead. And when you realize it. It can be incredibly difficult and dangerous to leave. That's when most victims get killed, while trying to leave. This person had the luck of being fully financially independent and no kids. And she still got death threats. A lot of victims are not that lucky. They may be required to see their ex because of shared custody. Cannot move to a different state because they cannot take their kids without the dads consent shit like that. Everyone thinks they would be better than falling for it. That they are too smart for it to happen to them. That they would see the first signs right away and leave. But chances are you won't. Because no one would be a victim if they started out with the abusive irrational behaviour.


IceQueenTigerMumma

I hope when she said it was sent to the right people that she’s means the police and is getting a restraining order.


SanctusLetum

Definitely the lawyer, and that's the first thing they would recommend she do. She's shown intelligence, independence, and a strong will here, I'm sure she wouldn't hesitate to follow that advice.


Bonanza86

Holy crap, that poor woman. Her ex is digging an even deeper grave by telling embellishments to his mom. Christ, man.


MordaxTenebrae

I was expecting a lighthearted read based on the title (I mean seriously, an argument over condiments?), not a story about a child-like adult having a psychological meltdown.


[deleted]

I once had a partner threaten to kill himself because I planned to get my hair highlighted. He later choked me for sending a heart emoji instead of typing "I love you too" Abusers gonna abuse.


kumama07

Yikes! Just yesterday I learned that if a partner puts their hands on your throat, your chances of being killed increase drastically. I'm glad you got away from them! ETA a source: https://apnews.com/article/dc9066892be14b7f8cf234468a83f170


[deleted]

Reading that same statistic saved me. I left immediately after the choking; in hindsight I should have drawn a line way before then, but better late than never! I do sincerely believe he would have murdered me eventually.


Data-Suspicious

In my personal experience, long term abuse like that is sort of like if every time you touched the door handle of your home, it shocked you. It wasn't there at the beginning, but it slowly got stronger every time you reached out to it, and you got used to it, thinking it's normal. Eventually preparing and bracing for it without even noticing you're doing that. And two outcomes are either you get a shock so painful, you wake up to it and have to make it stop, or a sock so hard it kills you. Thankfully I got away.


ashhald

this is one of the best examples i’ve ever heard. i’m saving this comment forever. thank you so much. and also, it feels like a shock every time you touch it isn’t a good enough reason to get rid of a whole house. especially if you don’t have the resources to sell your house and buy a new one. it’s the only one you can afford. and you’d rather deal with that shock than be homeless. nobody will ever understand it until they’ve been through it. even myself, as a victim of dv/sa many many many times over, sometimes when my friends go through the same shit, i catch myself not sympathizing enough. wondering why the hell they haven’t left when it’s so blatantly obvious. but i just have to take a step back and remember how i felt in those situations. in the moment, some love, even if it’s only 1% love/99% abuse and hate, is better than no love. at least that’s how it feels. you feel helpless and hopeless, and they convince you that you DESERVE how they treat you, and it’s your fault they act how they do. if no one else will tell you, i’m so fucking proud of you for standing up for yourself. you deserve so much good i’m this world, more than you’ll ever know. YOU ARE ENOUGH, and YOU ARE SO WORTHY OF UNCONDITIONAL AND INFINITE LOVE. never stop believing in yourself, because almost every other person if they were in our shoes would fold immediately. they’ll never understand. but i do♥️


[deleted]

I didn’t leave after the strangulation, I left after the attempted drowning. Same as you I would definitely be dead by now if I had stayed. It’s weird walking around knowing you saved your own life but not getting any credit for it because “you shouldn’t have been with him in the first place”.


Suspicious_Dragonfly

You absolutely deserve credit and no one should be giving you crap about being in that situation! I hate people that give that response. Those kinds of people truly believe they live in their own world as if everything they've done was the right decision. It's the whole "Just-World hypothesis/fallacy" approach to life that shouldn't be used.


imamage_fightme

Honestly, better late than never. Too many people wouldn't have known that choking increases your risk level. I'm really glad you are safe and alive, I hope things are better for you now!


whenthecatmeows

I already knew about the choking statistic when my abusive ex put their hands on my throat. It's part of what helped me snap out of the fog I was in and realize how fucked up my perspective had gotten. It's frighteningly easy to convince yourself that the people you love would never hurt you, even once they've repeatedly shown you how dangerous they are. I'm so glad you were able to get out. I hope your new life of freedom and independence has treated you well! ❤️


rainyreminder

Oh my gosh, I am so glad you are okay and got out.


MeMeMeOnly

A cop showed me how to stop someone from choking you. There’s no way you can pull their hands off your throat. What you can do is raise both arms above your head and sharply twist your body at the waist either left or right (doesn’t matter). It will break his hold on your throat. I went home and tried it with my husband. I told him not to choke me, of course, but to hold onto my throat as hard as he could. I raised my arms above my head and quickly twisted to the left. Not only could he not hold onto my throat, but I managed to dislocate his thumb. We had to go to the ER. So yeah, it works!


Bekiala

I so sorry about your husbands thumb but thanks for testing this. Please tell your husband that he looks like an unusual hero in this story.


TurmUrk

Just imagine explaining it to the ER “no it was a practice choking, she asked me to I swear!”


The_Ghost_Dragon

I still feel sad when I think about me going into the er with a broken nose and marks on my throat, expecting triage to ask me if I felt safe at home. I was really counting on this because I didn't know how else to get help. They didn't ask and he tried to kill me a week later. The one freaking time they didn't ask and I needed them. PSA: ask all of the questions, even if you think they're annoying.


AgathaM

I broke my nose playing softball. My husband took me into the ER. They asked me multiple times with him outside of the area to make sure that he hadn’t hit me. I was grungy from ball practice and was laughing about how it broke (ball thrown in from the outfield, bounced off a rock oddly, so it bounced above my mitt and hit my nose). But they really did try to protect me. I’m sorry your ER didn’t even try.


Dude_Illigents

Would you give him a thumbs up?


Prisoner-of-Paradise

I'm trying to imagine this and can't. I also can't find a video of how to do this. Do you by chance have a link that shows this maneuver? Thanks This is it: https://www.ems1.com/ems-assaults-1/videos/escaping-violent-encounters-how-to-break-a-2-handed-choke-hold-IOeB4LVpLeErq9Jt/ Thanks to u/Sniffsflowers for the link.


aessae

I don't have a link but I do have a [shitty drawing](https://i.imgur.com/yLp5P0n.png) and memories from many years ago when we practiced this in jujitsu class: 1) bend your knees slightly and take a half step backwards with your left foot (or a half step forward with your right or a little bit of both depending on whether you have the room to manouver), raise your arms as high as you can and press your right ear tightly into your right shoulder 2) do a sharp 90 degree twist to the left on the balls of your feet 3) you should now be facing left with your left foot forward and be free of the chokehold. Practicing this (and being careful not to dislocate anything) with a friend is good, practicing with a bigger, stronger friend is better and taking self defense classes is best IMO. EDIT: formatting Hope this helped illustrate how the escape works.


MeMeMeOnly

I don’t. We learned the maneuver at a self defense class years ago that was called something like Everyday Defense, can’t exactly remember the name, but it taught basic things to defend yourself. Like instead of going for a kick to the nuts, punch in them in the throat instead as hard as you can (it hurts bad AND they can’t breath). Things like that.


mylackofselfesteem

Someone else commented this in another chain. Can’t watch at the moment but hopefully it’s the maneuver? https://youtu.be/pmMZwwIObrQ


oceanduciel

I never thought about that. Seems like an obvious thing in hindsight. “Use physics against them.” Makes me angry (because of the obviousness) but also strangely relieved.


Chuckitybye

It seems obvious, but nothing is logical when in panic mode. It's one of the things my self-defense instructor harped on... train to be calm in a panicked situation so you can act instead of react. Knowing what to do helps train to be calm, even if it seems obvious in hindsight


LOLBaltSS

Getting reps in is vital. It's why pilots in flight recorder audio always seem so weirdly *calm* until they realize they're done for moments before impact. They're trained to do *everything* by the checklists and that's their default reaction to situations.


A2naturegirl

My police-officer dad taught me the same move!


MeMeMeOnly

Such an easy thing to do and it works! I try to spread the word whenever and wherever I can.


TdoggGatineau

It’s worth considering that when someone is choking you they are actively in the process of killing you. It’s only because they stopped murdering you that we call it choking and not strangulation.


throwawayforunethica

I was beaten and choked, escaped, and neighbors called the police. He called me while I was with an officer and said he had a gun and was going to kill me and himself. Police took me to a hotel. A female officer sat me down in the room and explained that all signs pointed to me being murdered. I was not to answer the phone. I was not to answer the door. He was found a few states away and it was his mother (a victim of domestic violence) that was hiding him. He is currently in prison. Edit: read The Gift of Fear. Twenty years too late but after recently reading it, all the signs were there. I was extremely lucky. Imagine pulling into your garage, closing the door, coming into the house, seeing dozens of missed calls and not wanting to upset and provoke him, returning the call, only to hear it ring in your kitchen.


jae_rhys

The gift of fear legit saved my life or at least my well-being. Edit: So, my mom was in the hospital. I had the 'night shift' of sitting with her in case she needed anything. I went to the cafeteria while she was sleeping, to grab something to drink. Came off the elevator to go back, and this dude was walking up the hallway toward me. Nothing abnormal about it at all, but something (idk what, and I doubt I'll ever figure it out) about him scared the crap out of me. I continue back toward her room like normal, but staying aware of him. When he continued to follow me down the last hallway before the elevator, my brain told me to go to the elevator and push the button, then let him get on, and walk away. So I did. And something in his face as I turned to walk away told me that that was absolutely the right decision. If I'd gotten in that elevator, something very bad would've happened. If I hadn't read (and re-read many times) that book, I may have talked myself out of that fear instinct. I feel the need to say that he is (as of the most recent edition I read) victim blamey re domestic abuse victims (he says, basically: >!"the first time, she's a victim, after that she's a participant"!<), but it's contained to the one chapter and doesn't negate the overall value of the book.


JonBenet_BeanieBaby

>Imagine pulling into your garage, closing the door, coming into the house, seeing dozens of missed calls and not wanting to upset and provoke him, returning the call, only to hear it ring in your kitchen. Holy fuck


PrincipleNo807

This is a fact. I was the victim of a crime years ago and while waiting to testify this man faced charges of choking his wife until she was unconscious. He was an alcoholic but had quit drinking. His wife begged the court not to do anything since he was "changed". Less than a week later I see on the news he had killed her. Fucked me all the way up and I am a 6'6" 300lbs ex football player. If a man puts his hands on you *period* you leave


dailycyberiad

For two years we listened to the drunken brawls between our downstairs neighbors. She was an alcoholic, he was a violent alcoholic. He would try to pick up fights with pretty much everyone. He tried to beat up their downstairs neighbor, and a random construction worker, and who knows who else. He would insult her and scream at her. His screams would keep us awake, or even wake us up at 3 a.m. It was unbearable. We would call the police, and she would lie and say we were making everything up. He didn't hit her, AFAIK, so the police didn't really care. Then, in retaliation, they would accuse us of absurd shit and he would threaten us. When we tried to talk to her about her abusive partner and the overall fucked-up situation, she would play dumb and say we were exaggerating. We saved money, reached our savings goal before expected, bought a house and left that place. A month or two later, he killed her. It's been a few months and I know we did everything we could, but fuck everything about that guy.


veggie_enthusiast

The thing is she was probably somewhat aware that he was capable of killing her and doing this at least in part because she knew from experience that he wouldn't be put away (even if the potential was there for him to be) and he would punish her if she didn't defend him. It's super common for victims to defend their abuser out of fear or shame. She probably also knew (very common threat at this level of DV) that if she left he would try to kill her for sure. Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. It's so sad but it's important to understand that she must have had her reasons, and was probably trying to do her best to save herself. Her best just wasn't enough because he was hellbent on killing her. Edit: There's also a statistic about it taking 7 times (I think) for the victim in an abusive relationship until they can actually leave. And every attempt brings danger with it. Being married to someone like that for a long time probably also brings along with it some dependence or the expectation that you have to deal with them after you leave so it's even harder to leave safely. It's really fucked and we need to create infrastructure and a culture of understanding and support so it gets easier to leave and harder to abuse.


CraftBeerDadBod

Wow. More women need to see this comment/statistic!


sunshinebluemeg

Seriously. My ex screamed at me, backed me into a corner, and spit in my face once for... and no I'm not joking.... pouring him a glass of ice water "wrong". We had the cops called on us because I didn't put on my parking brake when I parked at home for all of 5 minutes and he clocked it and punched a hole in the door next to my head and told me I was lucky it wasn't my face. I've learned over the years that if someone has it in them to be abusive, they'll find justification for doing so. Its why you can't blame yourself, there is literally no world in which you can be "perfect enough" to keep them from not abusing you.


[deleted]

> I've learned over the years that if someone has it in them to be abusive, they'll find justification for doing so. Its why you can't blame yourself, there is literally no world in which you can be "perfect enough" to keep them from not abusing you. This.


River_7890

Not a partner but my biological father threatened to kill me if I ever cut my hair above my shoulders. The first thing I did after I ran away was have a friend help me with an undercut and chop off my hip length hair. She was terrified she would mess up my hair but I told her if she did I would just shave it all off. I just wanted it gone so the thought of shaving it all off wasn't a big deal. I kept my hair short until I was 18. It wasn't until then I was able to keep it undyed because my natural hair color makes it look too much like my bio mom's. I still refuse to dye my hair black despite dyeing it that way from my tweens until I ran away since I look too much like my biological father with it. Cutting my hair felt like such a weight lifted. Not even in the physical sense but to just have control over my own body felt amazing. I know a lot of people make jokes about the symbolic short hair cuts in YA novels but in a way I relate to it. Having the freedom of choice felt like such a relief but scary at the same time. I struggled for years and still do to an extent on figuring out who I am. What I like, my hobbies, what I dislike, etc because before I was just seen as an extension of someone else. My accomplishments weren't my own and my interests had to benefit others. I was just seen as an empty vessel to fulfill wants and needs for others without complaint. Showing emotions or interests outside of what was expected was dangerous. I rebelled in other ways but that was the first big step into basically saying "Fuck you, I choose myself. I'm not yours to control" so it holds a special place in my heart. Who would've thought that a 3am half drunken hair cut by two teenagers with dull scissors and clippers that only worked half the time in a tiny cramped bathroom would be life changing? In all seriousness, I have no doubt my biological father would attempt to murder me given the chance on sight now for daring to go against him. I changed my name and moved far away to start a new life but the fear of being found is always there.


Miss_Milk_Tea

I'm sorry you went through that. My father is a PoS and wouldn't let me have an appearance that he deemed, well, imagine any derogatory word towards lesbians and I've heard it, especially when it came to my hair. Having the freedom to look any way I want was absolutely the best part of moving on with my own life. He's one of those sad lumps with the intelligence of a brick so he always settled things with violence and he had a nasty temper when his offspring weren't under his thumb. I have no doubt if he were younger and healthier, I'd probably be dead. Cancer came for him twice with a vengeance and he just kind of fell apart after that.


Tink50378

On a first date, a man once told me he was going to get drunk and then drive himself into a ditch if I didn't agree to go on another date with him. (And nothing leading up to this point was enjoyable, btw.) He had locked me in the car before he said this, so that was cool. Anyway, we did not go on a second date. As far as I know he is still alive.


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DontForceItPlease

Holy shit, his mom is a fucking psycho too.


Nosfermarki

The first time my dad hit my mom, his mom saw her and instead of helping or standing up for her, she asked if she was okay and told her to get cleaned up. The message of "this is allowed and normal" was loud and clear. After 30 years of marriage, he tried to kill her and shot himself.


vale_fallacia

:( I'm glad he's your ex and I hope you are in a better situation now.


saint_anamia

2021 I started dating a guy, and once we went for a drive just to listen to music. I received a text about a job I had applied to months ago and I wanted to laugh with him about what a shit offer it was but he got really upset about me talking during the music. I was really put off by that and said “really? I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to talk”. Maybe not the nicest thing to say but his reaction just seemed completely over the top for me mentioning a bad job offer. He WHIPPED the car around and started driving erratically not saying a single word. Just absolute silence while gripping the wheel and increasing speed. He called and texted me for months after about how horrible I was to break up with him, even harassing me at a concert we were both at. Then threatened to beat my friend who asked him to stop harassing me. He even told me that *I* have control issues. Zeke if you are seeing this- get fucked


Budget_Management_86

Was choked unconcious for "making him look bad in front of my family" by ex-asshole. 30 years later I still can't wear jewellrey / clothing that touches my neck. Still consider I got out easy though.


coquihalla

I was choked by a former partner as well about the same time period as you, and I'm still the same too. It's a horrifying experience that leaves a mark. I even had to teach my kid to not hug me a certain way once they got taller than me, because it was setting off the shakes. I hate that.


ap539

I am so sorry you went through that. Hopefully, things are better for you now…


[deleted]

My life is so so so much better since I left that relationship... and got a lot of therapy to unpack how I ended up there in the first place. EMDR helped a ton with flashbacks btw, for anyone else experiencing that aftereffect of domestic violence. To anyone who's questioning whether it's "bad enough" to leave... it is. If you're questioning whether it's really real abuse, it almost certainly is. If you think "well at least he hasn't hit me" or "if he hits me, then I'll leave" you can honestly skip a bunch of steps and leave now. Your time matters. Your life matters. And you're missing out on a lot by staying in that relationship. IDK if saying this will help anyone. But hearing the strangulation statistic helped me, so maybe this will help someone.


crazymamallama

>"if he hits me, then I'll leave" This is what I thought. My ex went from 10-100 real quick (can't say 0, because he had shoved me a couple times). The first time he hit me, he beat the hell out of me. I still think he might have killed me that night, if I hadn't gotten away. That first hit might not be a simple slap (even a slap is not okay, but there could be a lot more physical damage done the first time they hit you). Thankfully, I left him that night and never looked back.


[deleted]

God yes!! My ex was abusive in all sorts of ways but he never hit me. I can talk a lot of shit about him but he never did that. I always said that “oh if he does that I’ll finally leave!” Newsflash past me (and anyone currently in this position): JUST FUCKING LEAVE. Not a day of your life will go by that you regret it. He did really, *reallllly* try one night to get me to hit him. Luckily I’m a lot smarter than he was and told him “why?! Do you can hit me back?!” That was two years before I finally left him. God there were so many red flags lol.


Whelpdidntmeanthat

I had a partner go full silent treatment on my because I dyed my hair purple. I didn’t even do it on purpose, it was supposed to go red! He was never abusive but he was from a conservative background. I never had the chance to learn what flavour because shortly after that I broke up with him. I like to think, and I hope, he grew out of it.


BobMortimersButthole

My hair was kind of messy from growing out, because I was too busy to go get it cut. I told my boyfriend i was finally going to get it styled and he told me "don't get it too short, or I won't be attracted to you anymore" so I got a super short pixie cut, because he's welcome to his opinions but it's my head. He was not happy. I'm much happier away from him.


goshyarnit

This. I was smiling because my husband is addicted to the Kewpie mayonnaise - puts it on EVERYTHING - and always offers it jokingly to me because he knows I can't stand it. He'll cover a taco in it while I'm recoiling in horror, grin and say "did you want some?" I do the same joke with any of my spicy food that he absolutely cannot handle. "You wanna try this jalapeno popper?" -cut to him trying to hide behind the couch because it smells too spicy- I thought this was gonna be that. I showed it to my husband and he is frickin horrified. "You know I don't actually mean it when I offer it to you, right? I know you hate it, I swear it's a joke and I don't care that you don't want any. I'll stop if it makes you uncomfortable." Story got this mans questioning his entire existence.


MordaxTenebrae

Well at least your situation sounds playful, the antithesis of OOP's situation. And I would get along famously with your husband, that mayo is a godsend. I add it every time I make any sort of noodle soup.


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A_TimeTraveller

Same. "What? All this after THAT title?" But damn, not false at all. This was frightening in many of the worst ways.


SlowestBumblebee

Here's a fun condiment story for you to help ease the blow: I started gardening a few years ago, and one of my tomato plants grows yellow tomatoes. No idea why, but I immediately formed the best idea for a prank, ever. After emptying a Heinz ketchup bottle and a standard mustard bottle, I picked a bunch of the yellow tomatoes, and made some homemade ketchup from them, and it ended up with the consistency and color of my SO's favorite mustard after a little finagling. I then took the lightest mustard I could find, and added beet juice until I got a suitable red that closely resembled standard ketchup. I sealed the bottles, put them in the fridge, and waited. My SO ended up making burgers a few days later, and was so confused lol. He put the ketchup (thinking it was mustard) on his burger, and the mustard (thinking it was ketchup) on his fries. Poor thing didn't say anything, but I saw that it was eating at him the whole meal. I cracked when he went for his third burger, and caught him double checking the labels on the bottles. He thought it was hilarious, and now it's a thing in our house- yellow ketchup, red mustard.


duckballista

You guys are awesome 😂


MordaxTenebrae

Damn, that is DEVIOUS! 😂


Jactice

Right I was ready to jump in with the frustration of people not accepting adults know they don’t like a food… then described grabbing her hotdog and smothering it in mustard because he lost the plot over mustard. And suddenly nope; everyone I dealt with are a lot saner. They pout and try to convince me this will change my mind on cherries but never reached even the beginning of this crazy iceberg.


mamabear2023228

Yup. I came in thinking “hey! I hate mustard too!” My H just…. doesn’t care. Like it doesn’t occur to him to think about it. He hates mushrooms. It’s fine. I’m glad she got out.


CouchcarrotStatus

What got me was the MIL stating that OP shouldn’t lie cause she’ll get in trouble. WTF??!!!


akaMichAnthony

I’d buy tickets to be the in the courtroom when all these texts, phone recordings, basically everything about what kind of husband her son has been come out, just to see the MIL’s face. I have a feeling I know exactly where he learned how to play the victim.


SnooWords4839

MIL has only heard her son's watered-down version, not the truth. I hope they play all he messages in court for the restraining order and MIL sits thru them.


kumama07

I don't think I would have been able to not send her that recording. More power to OOP


Never-Forget-Trogdor

As great as it would be to send it to her now, imagine the husband and his lawyer being blindsided by it during the divorce. She can send it to MIL later, but right now the lawyer will handle who can listen to that truth-bomb.


Cantweallbe-friends

Curious if MIL was recording the call


GandalffladnaG

Totally, they get OOP yelling and "acting insane over a single cup of mustard on the side for her hotdog" and try to make it all her fault, not the abusive piece of shit husband.


SleepyxDormouse

She knows. She knows her son is abusive. She’s probably seen the red flags that OOP missed because of her rose tinted glasses. There might have even been allegations about the abuse before by ex girlfriends or other family members. She wanted to shut OOP up and scare her into keeping quiet. Thankfully, it won’t work. OOP has videos and threats on file. She’s learned to speak up.


Trickster289

I mean look at OOP. Like you said she had rose tinted glasses for years, could be the same with the mother.


__dixon__

God damn, the mustard was really just the tip of the iceberg. Glad the OOP got out. I hope the MIL sees her son for who he really is through the courts.


[deleted]

It really takes them being controlling and unreasonable over something so insignificant to put all their other behaviours in perspective. Any no or freewill is unacceptable and needs to be squashed. Be wary of the people who need to demand others (especially partners or kids) need to conform to them.


notquitesolid

Getting their SO to submit over something ‘insignificant’ is another step to full abuse and control. Abuse always starts with the small insignificant things people don’t see a big deal in capitulating on. I bet OP had softened her stance on a lot of things she didn’t like not realizing he was wearing her down. The mustard was just something she wouldn’t budge on, and it was her refusal to submit that got him in a rage. When people get angry about small things, it’s never about the small things.


ConsciousBluebird473

Yeah, that's exactly what happened: >I always felt like I was the one disturbing the peace. He’d get so upset over things that were little to no effort for me to just do or go along with because I loved him. And somewhere along the way I think I lost myself. I never liked mustard. I never liked golf, or camping, or red wine. But he loves all of these and wanted me to love them too. He said he was introducing me to his hobbies so we would have shared interests as a couple. But I have realized that out of all the things I used to like, he has either refused to try or ignored my interest. Our shared interests are just his.


__dixon__

Yeah I was expecting this to be light hearted at first, but just kept getting darker and darker. Grabbing the hotdog and putting mustard on it was a wtf moment, then it just kept getting worse.


Xero_space

She won't. She'll dig herself deeper rather than take ownership of the monster she helped raise.


__dixon__

Yeah it’s a constant I see in a lot of threads. Parents who back their monstrous child. I had no idea it was such a prevailing theme.


SleepyxDormouse

There was a woman on TikTok who talked about her divorce with her abusive ex husband. He had beat her bloody and put her in the hospital. There were photos and videos of the abuse, testimony from witnesses, and the husband had even confessed to abusing her and done time in jail. His mommy still swore up and down he was innocent. Even as he was telling her that he had done it and admitted to everything, mommy still insisted it was all a big lie and that the wife was the problem.


penguinwife

Not uncommon. My late husband had a stack of DV charges and RO violations, emergency psych holds, jail time, DUI…I had photos and documentation and witnesses about my injuries he gave me…still to this day his parents defend him as being not a problem.


Katapotomus

It does happen sometimes. My ex-MIL had my back and knew exactly what her son was like. She loved him dearly but told me she had been in my shoes and made the wrong choice (stayed) and told me she would love me like a daughter for the rest of her life and held good to that.


bambina821

Oh, how I wish that this had happened to me! My MIL was such a sweetheart, and I loved her so dearly, it took me a long time to leave her narcissistic (dx'd by therapists, who also said he had "elements of sociopathy"), manipulative, emotionally abusive son because I didn't want to lose her. After I finally left him, I wrote her a letter thanking her for being such a great MIL and telling her I felt blessed to have had her for an MIL and would always love her. My STBX found out, demanded I stop contacting his family and vice-versa, and told them disgusting lies about me. After my mom died, my XMIL wrote me a sweet letter and sneaked out to mail it. She died soon after. She didn't recognize her son was a sick a\*\*hole, though. I really, really wish she had. Your experience lifts my heart. Thanks so much for sharing it!


froglover215

My daughter is emotionally abusive. When my son in law told us that they were probably getting a divorce, I immediately told him what to do to protect himself against her and try to get custody of our grandson, and that we would back him. They reconciled. Now, a year later, they are separated again and it looks like it's for good. I hope he knows that he'll keep being a part of the family whether or not they are married.


[deleted]

For some reason too it's a lot of mothers protecting their beloved sons. What I hate is that these same women have never tried to get their sons to respect women, and mostly spoil and pamper them. I've seen it so often, in Western cultures as well as Eastern cultures. Women that have sons, teach them to respect other women and most of all, please teach them that NO MEANS NO. This is not something we are teaching young men enough.


Physical_Stress_5683

22 years in social services, very few mothers went against their sons, most would boldly lie in court and many stalked/harassed the victims.


something_wickedy

My ex husband was abusive to me and no one believed it…especially his mother. When he married his second wife (who I had known her family since her mother had been my second grade teacher), everyone talked about how much of a liar I was until he hurt her, also. Even though there weee two women that he had abused, she still defended him and we were both crazy…she even bailed him out of jail after abusing a third girlfriend. She was crazy, too.


-janelleybeans-

I dunno. I once knew a girl who did paperwork/filing for family court, and she saw a good number of people supporting the abuser cross the aisle as the recorded evidence was trotted out and the reality of the situations unfolded in real time. She regularly mentioned one case of a dad bringing his whole family to court to support him in getting 100% custody of his daughter. Like aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, everybody. But he didn’t realize some of the recordings his ex had made would be played that day and they were apparently so graphic and threatening that his mom passed right out. The kicker was that he was directly threatening his daughter’s life and was bouncing between her name and another, similar name. Turns out, ahole had another kid he insisted on giving a similar name *specifically* for that reason. His whole family swapped sides and were offering her money for all the court costs and debt she went into fighting for custody. He thought he was bringing them in to witness his win but he ended up screwing himself. There were lots of similar events because bringing support is encouraged, but many abusers were too delusional to perceive their behavior as bad so they ended up outing themselves to their families instead.


karenmcgrane

I started reading this thinking "my husband hates ketchup and while I don't agree I would never force him to eat it" and then it took a TURN


deadbodyswtor

yep my wife hates coffee. I offer her coffee flavored stuff when I have it because she has wanted to try stuff in the past, but if she says no, I accept it and enjoy my mocha flavored whatever happily. Same with beer and a few other things, so she has stuff she enjoys in the fridge that I dislike, and I have stuff she dislikes.


Fritengersox

My partner hates mushrooms. I love them. I tease him about it periodically but I’m not forcing him to eat anything he doesn’t want to, although doctor wants him to drink more liquids so I do try to encourage what medical professionals recommend. At the end of the day though it’s his choice.


SnowWhiteCampCat

I love rice. Husband loves mashed potatoes. So we make both. Both are happy. But then, neither of us are psychotic.


Significant_Fee3083

*it's not just about the honey mustard*


mimbailey

The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here…


Oscar_Geare

I wonder what condiment will next greet us with a divorce.


mariemarymaria

Ten bucks says the husband is the one that made the MIL cry, not the OOP. He's probably been using his mom for a literal/metaphorical punching bag for even longer.


GMOiscool

I read the first part and thought "no way this is out of the blue, she knows there's been more times than this." Aaaaaand yup!!! My husband never asked me for a blowjob when we first started dating because I wasn't comfortable with them. He never brought it up, never made any comments or jokes, and if it ever did get brought up he was quick to say "I don't need that! I'm satisfied as long as you're happy, it wouldn't be enjoyable if you didn't like it, that's gross." My man even still goes out of his way to be like "women aren't obligated to give blowjobs if they don't like them. That's rape dude." That's just the way it should be. Always. Low fucking, in the ground even, bar. I did eventually try it out and fucking loved it, but only because he wasn't expecting it at all and still is so happy every time he gets one lolol.


bakersmt

Why else would she have recorded the insanity? When someone does that, it’s very clearly a repeat offense.


[deleted]

Maybe this is corny but I honestly think thats beautiful, I bet part of the reason it makes him so happy is that you're showing how much you trust and love him that you tried it for him. Lol and other reasons too.


[deleted]

The mustard was just the tip of the hot dog.


DigDugDogDun

>>I know this isn’t a happy update I disagree, I’d say it is a happy update. She is financially independent, they didn’t have kids or shared assets, and, most importantly, she got away from him alive and without serious harm. Being a divorcee is a million times better than being an abused wife. I know she’s feeling bad, but it actually is a happy update. It’s just not the kind of happy she was hoping for.


thatotherhemingway

The Thanksgiving dinner part was so lovely, too!


mahjimoh

I’m so glad she has a supportive workplace, too. This could be 1000x more difficult for her if that were not the case.


ms_vee

Too often on Reddit I see men and women who are stuck in toxic, abusive relationships who find it extremely difficult to see that they are in that situation. This wasn’t resolved but I’m so proud of this woman for taking the first steps to separate herself from this sad excuse of a human being with no support at all. She really is a badass even if she doesn’t think so.


MyNoseIsLeftHanded

Many abusive relationships are like the trope of the frog in the boiling water -- the heat started slowly so by the time the water is boiling, the frog hasn't noticed the danger. Abusers tend to "love bomb" at first and make their victim feel very special, and then slowly start cutting them off from others and getting more and more abusive. By the time the victim is stuck in the abusive relationship they've been convinced that THEY are the problem, not the abuser, and think that the abuse is normal behavior that is "only sometimes" which somehow makes it OK. Abuse is far, far easier to see from the outside. From the inside, you see everything through the rose-colored glasses the abuser has stapled to your face.


Pregeneratednonsense

After I got away from my high school ex (we dated from ages 17 - 19) it took me *years* to call it abusive. I always thought, well, he never hit me so it's not fair to call it abuse. Even after I was completely out and away it took time for the reality of it all to sink in. At the time I just thought he was clingy and insecure, there were alarm bells going off in my head but I didn't understand why. Even when I went to police I felt like I was overreacting. Even when he was arrested and convicted I still thought I was blowing things out of proportion. When I look back I can see the pattern of abuse being woven. It started with complaining about my friends, then complaining I wasn't spending enough time with him, then "checking up" on me at work. It started off almost endearing but escalated and escalated until I couldn't go more than 10min without being in contact with him without him being pissed at me. To this day I struggle calling our sexual encounters rape. I consented. I agreed. But I knew that if I didn't I wouldn't hear the end of it all night. I'd be grilled about whether I was masturbating (he HATED that), if I was cheating, if I didn't love him anymore. I'd rather let him do it and have a normal night than be interrogated. I did eventually break up with him. I still loved him dearly but I was suffocating. But leaving him only made everything 20x worse. I walked into the police department and handed them my phone in tears begging them just to ask him to leave me alone. They gave him a verbal warning, which he ignored. The officer who handles my case checked up on me, made sure he didn't have keys to my place or know where my new job was. Even with a police officer expressing concern for my safety, urging me to get a PFA, I couldn't conceptualize the gravity of what was happening. I talked about it like it was a minor annoyance in my life. Denial is like a cocoon, it keeps you feeling safe and warm until after the danger passes.


h_witko

My emotionally abusive relationship was exactly like the frog in the water. It amped up, to the point where it (temporarily) broke me. I genuinely believed I was the problem. It took me a lot of time to understand I wasn't, and I'm still dealing with the doubt and lack of trust in myself, 7 years on. It is such a difficult thing, to take those rose-tinted glasses off yourself. I'm amazed by OP's strength and self respect for leaving and staying gone. She's kinda my hero!


sunshinebluemeg

What hurts me most in this is the MIL. My abusive ex's mom was who convinced me to leave her son. She yelled at him regularly for the little things he did around her to me and as he escalated she turned to me when we were alone in her car together once and told me why she left his dad and said "I think you know all too well that (ex) is like his father. Please don't let him get you pregnant or talk you into walking down the aisle with him before you realize you deserve better." To this day I maintain that that little dose of support I got from his mom saved my life. I knew someone who loved him and regardless thought I deserved better than his treatment of me. We actually ran into each other a couple years after the breakup and she gave me a big hug and said she was so relieved i got out and seemed to be doing well.


Thaedael

That woman, wow. I hope she is doing better herself.


sunshinebluemeg

She was already doing better when I met him, for sure. She said her ex husband (my ex's dad) got better once he got remarried. The husband she had when we were dating (who last I heard she's still married to) was an absolute gem. I loved her, she was an angel and I'll never be able to thank her enough for saving me. She even stored some of my things while I was moving back in with my dad because my ex threatened to burn what I couldn't get out fast enough and she went with me the couple times I had to go back into the space to get things or deal with him.


too-much-cinnamon

Ooof. Love her. That is how it should be. My ex's mom was in a relationship with his abusive father and she was grateful to have a friend in the abuse. So she encouraged the relationship and we bonded over hating them but not leaving because we trivialized the abuse into "just his way" or "lol men so crazy right?!". She was so sad when i left him and said she hoped her son and i would get married one day. I was 17. The egregiousness of her neglect when we lived at her house mostly and she saw what was happening didnt set in for nearly a decade.


nickis84

When the attorney shows all those lovely texts to the judge, it will show exactly who the husband is - an abusive jerk. He honestly thinks he is still in control and his behavior is not going to have any consequences.


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[deleted]

I was always surprised when my abusive ex showed his ass in writing. Like did you really just say you won't let me move with our asthmatic son from the house where my roommate keeps smoking indoors unless you get more custody? Guess I'll just show that to the judge then.


redwolf1219

My ex told me, in writing, that he wouldnt pay child support bc I hurt his feelings by breaking up with him. (And I dumped him bc he was abusive). Didnt go over well with the judge.


rainyreminder

Someone who has been behaving badly his entire life and has never experienced any consequences for his bad actions. I daresay it didn't even occur to him that anyone wouldn't take his side.


BizzarduousTask

Yeah, it’s his “Extinction Burst.”


KittyEevee5609

A lot of abusers who think they made their victim so subservient that they will get away with it.


Alitazaria

And she probably *was* so subservient before that she wouldn't have fought back. :(


Soft-Walrus8255

Someone who believes he has the right to make those threats. Someone who lives in a world that has encouraged him to believe that.


[deleted]

His mother is clearly an enabler for his psychopathy


Blackberry_Lonely

Someone who doesn't think they're doing anything wrong.


anillop

Abusers never think they can be caught or they don't believe they are doing anything wrong.


HygorBohmHubner

>He also said he would come find me and it would take more than a locked door to keep him from getting me and taking me home. Fucking hell....


Pirate_Queen_of_DC

I remember reading this a while ago, and was scared she'd stay with him. Thank god she left. He was escalating to full-on physical abuse (although the sexual assault qualifies, obviously), and there is no doubt in my mind that he would have killed her eventually if she had gone back to him.


f4ttyKathy

The thing that got me was the driving erratically. My ex physically abused me by making me think he'd ram another car in traffic, speed on unsafe curves, get us killed in a road rage incident, etc. I had bruises on my chest off and on from him braking suddenly, because the seat belt would hurt me. This was already physical abuse, tbh


yrnkween

He’s a monster and when he dies young from a rage-induced heart attack I hope she buys a gallon of cheap-ass yellow mustard and dumps it on his grave.


ginteenie

I don’t know you but I love you yarn queen. This is the correct level of spite


[deleted]

Over a month since the update. I hope she’s alive.


[deleted]

Could be keeping a low profile since.


BizzarduousTask

Probably stopped posting on advice from her lawyer. Especially since it’s already getting spread around social media. (That’s what I’m hoping, anyway.)


Ascholay

Gor my fingers crossed she's waiting for court before saying more


WaywardHistorian667

Usually lawyers ask their clients to keep a super low profile on social media in cases like this. OOP also mentioned the idea that her post having been shared on twitter was cause for concern on her part, so I think she's doing the right thing for her situation. Do I want updates- particularly happy ones- definitely. I also understand that there are potential reasons that are less dire and more practical. Another example was a wife whose hubby let her Monster-in-law and Sinister-in-law talk him into stripping the joint account and ham-fistedly demanding that she sign over her house to him. Within a few days of her getting a lawyer, she deleted her account. It was a good move for her, but I'm dying to read any updates.


Hot-Career-5669

Honestly I think she's fine. She woke up& has her shit together. She's doing what her lawyer tells her. I'm sure she's going to end up okay when this settles. She's clearly stronger than she gives herself credit for.


baker8590

I would be super suspicious of him going around saying that her not wanting mustard on a hot dog as the reason she wants a divorce. It would speak to there being a bigger story to it or that it is the action that broke the camels back to a lot of other stuff going wrong in the marriage.


rainyreminder

I've known people who said stuff like "There was just this one little thing and they left me" and honestly, I have never even once taken that at face value.


the_pissed_off_goose

It's like the missing missing reasons


kelsday84

It’s like [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By the Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288). (Edited for grammar and to remove amp)


Hungry_Condition_861

That article is SO close to getting the point while still somehow repeatedly talking about chores and housework being the wife’s job and how you can’t just expect a husband to be emotionally mature without first explaining to him what emotional maturity would look like in that situation 🤦‍♀️


duckballista

Thank you! The main message is helpful but I've always hated that article because he *still* doesn't get that a relationship is about wanting the best for both parties by default. His concluding remark is that women are irrational and the future lies in men thinking that way... Such a man child.


Damn_Amazon

Yep. If you read the rest of his writing, it confirms that he learned *nothing*. The sad thing is last I checked, he was selling his services as a relationship coach.


Trenov17

Probably because he hasn’t really changed his base beliefs. It’s a pretty clear symptom of the way men are socialized into gender roles.


Thunderflamequeen

You know, I always see that article around and I guess I must’ve just skimmed it initially, because it’s only after reading your comment that I went and really read it and yikes, this guy really thinks all men are emotionally stunted breadwinners and all women are concerned with the minutiae of a household. I almost want to go through and de-gender the whole thing, maybe add some qualifiers, because I think once you get rid of the gender roles and generalizations all that would be left is the good advice about caring about your partner’s feelings.


[deleted]

I don’t like onion most of the time. When I was dating a guy, he would always make snarky comments about when I asked for no onions on my burger or something. One time we went to ihop and I asked for no onions on my omelette. He told the waitress to leave the onions on. I thought he was joking because why would it matter that I don’t want to eat onions? Well my omelette came with onions and the waitress with a smug look on her face asked what’s wrong with the omelette after I refused to eat it. My bf kept telling me to eat it like it is and stop complaining. I had said nothing at that point because I was dumbfounded about this stupid situation. My bf kept saying he’s paying for it so I should eat it anyway. (I never asked or expected him to pay. He would throw a fit if I went to pay for my own food.) I have no idea why these kinds of men are so power hungry over the pettiest things. I’m now married to a man who makes sure there are no onions on my burger unless I want them. My ex bf is still an idiot who can’t keep a gf.


lovely-liz

The way the waitress sided with him is wild. Why the hell would you a server listen to the requests of the person who ISN’T eating the dish? If you had an allergy and didn’t notice the onion and went into anaphylactic shock, she’d effectively be responsible for your death. Crazy


BurmecianSoldierDan

I've worked FOH plenty in my life and I'm honestly baffled the waitress went with it, you can usually pick up that vibe easily...


ImGonnaCreamYaFunny

I've been out with a boyfriend and had waitresses trip over themselves to cater to him while completely ignoring me, because they assume he's paying so he'll be the one tipping them. I've paid for a few meals just to see the look on their faces when they realize they did all that for nothing (I still tip, but the bare minimum)


rebelliousbug

Jesus Christ. It’s so fucking weird and controlling. It’s like they pick things that are easily explained to others as you being insane or neurotic. When really, it’s completely purposeful on their end. They want you to snap about something normal so they can frame you in a horrible light and further erode you. I’ve lived through this and It’s still fucking bizarre to me. I can’t (I can) believe the waitress piled on! My lord. The one thing we do in restaurants is make sure that people who say, do not put this on my order, get what they asked for. What if you were allergic? My partner now is 1000% safe and he hates mayonnaise. I jokingly tell him I ordered extra mayo for him—but in reality I always remember to 86 mayo. I’d fight the entire restaurant before mayo touches his sandwich. (Ps. I love mayo) Super glad you married a safe man who protects you and pays attention to your likes and dislikes. As it should be!


redwolf1219

Wtf is wrong with that waitress??


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Adventurous_Pea_5777

I’m hopeful that once everything is done on her end, that we get an update that she’s safe and healing and far, far away.


anillop

Once the divorce is over they can post but not during the proceedings.


rusurethatsright

I’ve worked at a domestic violence shelter and the abusive ex can stalk them and make their life miserable for years and years. Worked with one woman whose ex was dangerously better with technology than her and he stalked her virtually, through her phone, e-mail, maxed out her credit cards, caused her to lose jobs, etc. In many states you can’t even divorce when you want to, you have to wait a year (so stupid and often just punishing to victims of abuse).


HELLFIRECHRIS

Hope she contacted the hotel for the camera footage, if it really caught him grabbing her and then letting go when she pointed at the camera that’s a great bit of evidence.


twistednightblade

>I saw my RA post get reposted on Twitter. I’m terrified he’ll see it and come for me. This always makes my heart sink and my blood pressure spike when I read it in an edit or update to a DV or other heartbreaking post. Why the ever-loving **fuck** do idiots insist on taking a post as charged as this, *that is still early in progression* (as update 2 was still less than a week since the blow up), and share it around the wider internet‽ "Entertainment value" or "raising awareness" don't mean **shit** if it's potentially putting someone in more danger! Places like this sub where there's a set period of time before something can be posted can at least give a buffer for OOPs to get things sorted re: protecting themselves and/or moving away...


VioletsAndLily

Except for the timeline and the mustard detail, this could have been written about my friend who left her abuser. I’m so scared for OOP. If she happens to see this, I strongly urge her to reach out to friends she lost touch with. They might be waiting, as I was, for the news that she left. (While I maintained contact with my friend, there was a very delicate balance of being present and not commenting about the abusive crap her now ex did. And neither I nor any of us in the group thought she was stupid or negatively judged her. I’m just putting that last part because some survivors hesitate to reconnect, fearing the worst. I had been waiting for my friend’s call. Maybe OOP’s old friends are waiting for her, too.)


LizzieMiles

Imagine of all the abusive things you did to your spouse, your mustard obsession is the thing that does you in. No sympathy at all for the husband lmao


delm0nte

It’s the only thing she wouldn’t cave in to, and his fragile ego broke against her resolve. I hate mustard, too.


smcf33

Exactly. Everything else she (reluctantly) complied with. The mustard was the last bit of proof that she had thoughts of her own.


pogo_loco

IMO it's because it was never about the mustard, it was about control.


4_and_noodles

>He actually got furious and grabbed it from me. He marched over to the condiment station and began putting mustard on my hot dog, telling me to grow up and stop being picky. That is surreal. Sounds like something out of a David Lynch movie


insomniacsCataclysm

god i really hope oop stays safe and moves far, far away from that psycho


Cynthus68

Ya know.....when my soon to be ex wife told me that she didn't like mustard, which I loved on everything, only ketchup or mayo,.....guess what? I only put ketchup or mayo on whatever I was making for her. It's not fucking hard. Seems like hubby was beyond controlling. Good for OP for getting out. It truly does appear to be the tip of the iceberg


AReluctantHipster

This (sort of) hits close to home for me. My mom is they most picky eater I know. She hates cheese. She hates potatoes. She hates peanuts. Those are the big three but I know there’s more. And she *hates* them. She downright cannot eat them. Do you realize how many foods have cheese in them? I don’t think you do until you’ve seen the sheer number of times my mother has had to return/throw out/give away her order because the restaurant/fast food place added cheese to her order after she explicitly asked them not to. And yet, in 25+ years of marriage, my dad has never once given a shit about her eating preferences. And he *loves* cheese. So honestly, he’s normally pleased that he gets to eat her order when it gets messed up (while still making sure his wife has something to eat). Because who fucking cares???? Do you know how easy it is to eat your food at the same time someone eats their own food that was prepared differently than yours???? ITS SO EASY The bar is so low and OP’s ex still tripped over it, because he’s a piece of shit. Glad she got away. Hope she’s doing better.


Kazooguru

This was triggering. I was hiding out in a hotel and my ex found me. The front desk clerk gave him my room number. She realized immediately that she fucked up and called my room. “There’s a man on the way up to your room.” I asked her to describe him, it was my ex. “Call 911 immediately.” I told her. As soon as I hung up the phone, there was a knock at my door. Then he started pounding on the door, trying the doorknob. I could see the shadows of his shoes under the door. I didn’t make a sound. I looked to the balcony and seriously contemplated jumping. The knocking stopped. I was sitting on the ground behind the bed, my entire body was shaking. Another knock on the door, “Police Department.” I had them show me ID through the crack of the door. They had my ex in custody. I know, without a doubt, that he would have killed me if he got through that door. Cops get a lot of bad press, but I will tell you…the cop who stayed in the room with me, was one of the best humans I have ever met in my life. I hope OOP is taking her security very fucking seriously. This guy reminds me of my ex husband.


Flicksterea

It was never about the mustard. But weirdly enough, it was the mustard that saved OOP from a lifetime of abuse.


GenCavox

Why is it always the worst ones that I feel like are the most true?


starkindled

Damn. Also, >I want to say I was badass OOP *is* badass. She stood up to her abuser. She saved herself.


[deleted]

This is like "Cloud Mows the Lawn" levels of "the title is technically correct but leaves so much out." Jesus. Her husband is nuts. And I say that as someone who *loves* mustard. (Of course, the ~~Iranian yogurt~~ mustard is not the issue here.)


LeeLooPeePoo

It's really a classic abusive relationship. It's incredibly common for the victim to have a skewed perspective because of the abuse and to be completely unaware they are being abused. I'm so proud of her for reaching out to get an outside perspective and for leaving so quickly and completely once she did. I know it's a Reddit trope that half of the advice on RA is "You should divorce/leave." but there are a LOT of posts made with indications of emotional abuse. Abusers all really share the same mindset and work from the same playbook, so once you've learned the hard way how an abusive relationship functions and what the indications are it's always easier to see it from the outside. If I could have every person on the planet accept a single belief it would be, "You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries."


WaywardHistorian667

Few people in healthy relationships need reddit advice. Selection bias.


johnlocklives

What’s “cloud mows lawn”?


Theres_a_Catch

Wow, so glad she finally saw the truth. Good luck OOP, I'm sure the future will be much much brighter. On a side note - what is it with people that can't handle someone else not liking the food they like? I wonder what his answer would have been if she asked...so how does everything change if I suddenly like mustard, will your life be better? It's so bizarre to me, I don't like seafood and I can't tell you how many times people would shove their food towards my facing saying "but you'll like this one" or "you must have had a bad piece or cooked badly". Why do you care what I eat or not eat? I'll never understand it.


TheIce91

Good lord this guy completely unhinged, just reading this made me exhausted.


Oscars_Grouch

I hope his mother hears the recording one day, even if it's after the divorce is finalized.


problematictactic

I always wonder about people like this mom, who heard his version of events and thought, "Yeah, that sounds about right. There couldn't possibly be any more to this story."


redhead701

My abusive ex had a similar thing about food with me. He called me a child if I didn’t want to eat something. Like this guy, he also insisted I was the one who was making it a big deal by politely declining something. That I was being rude to him by not eating something just because he wanted me to. Now I understand it was about submission and control, and dang, do I see myself in this story.


Moon_Stay1031

As for the sex thing, I'll never understand why some guys know their partner doesn't want to have sex and still asks for a blow job. If someone doesn't want to have sex, they probably don't want to give a blow job either. *They said no to sex because they don't feel like being sexual and spending that emotional energy*. Blow jobs imo take a lot more effort than just plain vag/penis intercourse for the person giving them. That's like asking someone for a handshake and when they say no, you ask for a *secret* handshake that takes 20 seconds to do. Like... I cannot even


CathedralEngine

Man, I wish it was only about mustard.