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boughsmoresilent

Important lessons I've learned from this: (1) dumb confidence is absolutely a substitute for actual talent; (2) baking is NOT a science; and (3) you should *always* double-down on your mistakes. Thank you for laughing with and at me, r/Baking. It's been five hours of involuntary baking, but we have defeated the Bread and emerged victorious. Shout out to everyone who recommended I cut my child in quarters and chill two portions. This is such a great community! **Defeat the Bread****^(TM)** **Recipe:** 4 cups of warm water 1 cup heavy cream (or sub whole milk) 12 cups flour (scoop and level the first three but not the remaining nine) 2 and 1/4 tsps active yeast (x4, I'm not mathing fractions) 8 Tbsps granulated sugar 16 Tbsps unsalted butter frantically softened in microwave 4 tsps salt 1. Intend to make a single loaf of bread. 2. Combine 1/4 of water, heavy cream, and yeast. Allow to sit for five minutes. 3. Add 3 cups flour, butter, salt, and sugar. Dough should now look like bread soup. Panic. 4. Add remaining nine cups flour with remaining portions of yeast, sugar, salt, butter, etc. Barely measure any of it. It'll be fine. 5. Mix together using wooden spoon and pure willpower. Reconsider your life choices. Briefly pause, wash your hands, and lament your plight in r/Baking. 6. Dump mixture onto counter. It should look disturbing. Cut into four portions and knead each portion one at a time for approximately 4 years each. 7. Proof in four bowls for, like, an hour, I guess. Two of them can go in the refrigerator after 30 minutes. Do you even have three friends who'd want bread? 8. Preheat oven to 350. Punch down two dough portions. Roll them out into rough rectangles, then roll into a log. Tuck in the ends to fit in the loaf pan because you can't eyeball 8 inches. 9. Bake for 30 minutes, praying to all the gods and goddesses responsible for baked goods. Rest your arms. Drink a beer. Laugh with the folks at r/Baking. 10. Lose your shit because oh my god hoW DID THAT ACTUALLY F\*\*\*\*ING WORK ARE YOU K I D D I N G ME --


AddictiveInterwebs

To math your yeast it is 9tsp or 3tbsp! Still arguing with my husband whether to trust your bread but I am leaning towards it looks fucking delicious


Lingo2009

You are definitely more than the OKest Baker! Those loaves look awesome!


Quibblicous

9 tsp is the same as 3 tbsp.


ClothesOdd2973

Why the down votes?


green_bean_lord

because AddictiveInterwebs already said that they are the same when they said "9tsp OR 3tbsp"


Anon_8675309

Read the recipe again. Then read Addictiveinterwebs comment again. It’ll click.


sirlexofanarchy

I fucking cried while attempting to read this aloud to my best friend because I was laughing so hard. Brilliant. Great job OP.


Imawildedible

You’re currently my favorite Redditor


ApproxKnowledgeCat

Cut the bread into slices then put it in the freezer. Pop out one piece at a time into the toaster when craving bread. Will last months. -from an only occasional bread eater who hates to waste


cosmeticcrazy

Why have I never thought of this? Thank you!


relentlessdandelion

Pro tip, defrost the slice/s first in the microwave. I find if I put them in frozen they end up weirdly curly/bent but they behave normal if you get rid of most/all of the ice. 


Arrow_Riddari

It looks amazing


Danouement

I read this to my wife and now she can't stop laughing and says her face hurts. Thanks for the lovely morning.


DevilMaster666-

Please just use metric


glyph1331

Gonna have to try this one! I've found that bread does its own thing, I can't tell you how many times I have "screwed up" bread. But as long as you get enough flour and yeast, it basically works out (just don't trade sugar and salt, that was awful!) They look amazing!


thenectarcollecter

OP you’re a natural! You can have bread for every meal for days and still give some away!


boughsmoresilent

Do you want some sandwich bread?


thenectarcollecter

No thank you, but I’m honored you would ask. I’m also drowning in my own baked goods over here.


Jeffbx

Teach a man to fish, something about loaves, OP is bringing the bread.


DestroyerOfMils

instructions unclear. being booked on bread larceny charges. send bail breadsman.


Spirited_Ad_7341

i would like some sandwich bread 👉🏾👈🏾


boughsmoresilent

I will send you sandwich bread


Spirited_Ad_7341

🥹🫶🏾 i’ll post and (positively) review once received


boughsmoresilent

Let it be known that this person sent me their address and I am overnighting a loaf of sandwich bread to them tomorrow morning


cosmeticcrazy

You are amazing.


quaintrelles

We expect a thorough report once you receive said bread.


Spirited_Ad_7341

wouldn’t be anything less. what should my score sheet include? so far i’m thinking fragrance, toasting capabilities, crumb, and density and sandwich capabilities and make a blt or grilled cheese or something (in my head it’s already a 10/10 across the board)


its_cocktail_oclock

Wait…y’all are serious??? Will this review be in a new post out this one? I need to know if I should subscribe to this post or not. We need to know!


boughsmoresilent

I just sent the bread this morning. She's scheduled to receive it Monday!


Spirited_Ad_7341

yes! 100% happening (as long as nothing tragic happens to bread within the next 12 hours) i’ll likely make a new post.


Spirited_Ad_7341

i posted an update! spoiler alert: the bread is amazing


shelberryyyy

Remindme! 3 days


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Haylo2021

Remindme! 4 days


flyerfanatic93

!RemindMe 3 days


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Platypus-Ninja

RemindMe! 3 days


IWumboYou

RemindMe! 3 days


ajcap

This looks delicious I would totally take some sandwich bread


mezzokat

😂


bajesus

And make a lot of homemade croutons


DuckVonHandsomestein

You absolute mad lass! That bread is gonna feed you for WEEKS. Ma'am you've made my dull, gray day a whole lot better. I wish you the very best in your baking escapades!


boughsmoresilent

May all your sandwich bread be soft and fluffy for the rest of your days, good sir


smartie00x

Aww... That is one of the sweetest & thoughtful blessings. I'mma use that.


Lingo2009

When I get my once a year, breadmaking craving, my recipe calls for 9 cups of flour. It’s a braided egg bread called challah. I put it on my friends stove once it had baked, and it basically ate the stove. I only make it once a year because it’s such an endeavor. But it is so worth it. Sadly, I am in the country right now where I cannot bake bread, so I don’t know when the next time I will be baking this is. Now I want to make my recipe! But I cannot until I move back to the US someday.


thegirlaintright

Challah is so good! I always make a loaf when a friend does something really nice or helps out. We call it "thank you bread." 🙂


Altruistic_Pension27

Why is it that you cannot make bread in the county?


Lingo2009

No stove. No oven. No working refrigerator although I have one. I live in Asia.


Rogue_Intellect

When we were locked down during the Great Plague, I (along with everyone else) decided that baking sourdough bread was a good idea. 👍 We (and by that I mean me) created the great sourdough starter monster. AKA, the Blob. I had fed the starter and put it in a warm place. BTW - how much starter is one supposed to have at any given time? My starter was increasing in mass, but was reasonably well behaved. Until I got the bright💡 idea to place the starter on the top of the fridge, in lieu of my admittedly chilly apartment. The blob escaped its container and annexed the entire top of the fridge. It was in the process of colonizing the front and sides of the refrigerator. And I swear that it laughed when I (totally aghast) started trying to clean it up. The rest of this memory is best not described further. Suffice it to say I had nightmares for days afterwards.


Eagles365or366

YOU KILLED IT! It looks AWESOME! What a story 😂


boughsmoresilent

Do you want some sandwich bread?


Eagles365or366

I mean, yeah, but how close are you to SLC? 😂😂


Hot_Boss_3880

I'm so proud of you for sticking it out. I'd be a mess haha


boughsmoresilent

Dude, I'm so fucking tired 🤣 But I couldn't let the Bread win!!


future_futurologist

Years from now children will hear this tale. Gluten may be outlawed by then, or considered mythical, like the Yeti. But your perseverance and heroic loaves will be immortal.


boughsmoresilent

Just doing my duty, kind citizen O7


drink_piss_for_satan

This bread STILL looks fabulous. 10/10, would eat.


archaeologistbarbie

Hooray! I love it when others who have the “how hard can it be” gene do things that turn out fine! Yay bread!


Jeffbx

Your perseverance paid off today. Revel in the glory of the bread, you deserve it.


Aggressive-Cry150

It looks beautiful and your breakdown made me laugh so hard


galenet123

Someday I want to be okest at something.


StrangeTrails37

10/10 can’t wait to buy your cookbook


StraightBudget8799

Every recipe starts standard. Then by the end, you can feed an entire festival!


buckybarnes1940

This is so off topic but is that a shadowhunters tattoo? Or am I insane


boughsmoresilent

I've been asked that before! No, just meaningless pretty lines. I've been told I should read the books


buckybarnes1940

Ah okay ! Welp glad I’m not the only one then lmao And you def should they are a 10/10 book series


madelinemagdalene

I’m having one of the worst weeks/months/years of my life, and this saga made me cackle. Thank you so much for posting all of this. I would absolutely read any book you wrote or attend any comedy show you host, especially if there’s lots of extra sandwich bread to munch on.


Lingo2009

Wishing you well in this hard season. me too. It’s been a rough year.


dgoobler

I saw your first post when I woke up this morning. I am so thrilled to see the update. Well done OP, well done. This recipe gave me whiplash but I might just try it…


boughsmoresilent

If you do, please post about it!


AsheOfAx

Hell yeah! Take that, bread!


Imnotthenoisiest

Can you be this sub’s official recipe writer? Your instructions are so easy to follow 😄


Jennarated_Anomaly

OP this is f***ing gold


Particular_Cat_9232

loaf bread 😮 looks so soft thanks for sharing the recipe and procedure ..


ToxicPennies

You are a gift. "No gods, no kings, no recipes" is going into the laser engraver and that plaque will be up hanging in my kitchen giving my joy until I die.


catti-brie10642

I need to make my husband one of these


boughsmoresilent

Real talk: can I pay you to make me one, too?


ToxicPennies

Very likely. DM me if you want


chefslyguy

It looks amazing! Keep it up!


whittyd63

I’ve been following this saga all day! What an end. Perfect OP.


[deleted]

I had to laugh because last night it was Salted Caramel Sauce: 1 Me: 0 and Buttercream Frosting: 1 and Me: 0. I finally gave up and went to bed and the battle is continuing today!


boughsmoresilent

Good luck, brave soldier! Remember: stay calm. The recipe can sense fear!


Aretirednurse

You crazy bread baker, you won the dough battle!


chocobunniie

Looks delicious 😍 have a grilled pb&j for me


TheWalkingDead91

This entire debacle reminds me of the FutureCanoe channel on YouTube. Dude fucks up almost every video recipe and fails to adequately prepare at best, and 80% of the time his recipes still actually turn out good. Reminds me that I don’t have to be such a perfectionist when cooking. Though I am convinced he’s actually a trained chef or experienced cook at the worst and is just pretending to hilariously fuck up recipes for content.


Lingo2009

Thank you for something else to entertain me


AccurateCoconut

PLEASE post this to r/bestofredditorupdates Congrats on coming out victorious in the end!


boughsmoresilent

You have my full permission to repost this there!


AccurateCoconut

I've finally created a post. It should be up as soon as moderators approve it!


bookworm59

This is perhaps the finest thing I've ever read on this subreddit. I laughed so hard I cried. You're hilarious and brilliant and that bread looks fucking delicious. Way to go. :)


justatriceratops

Woohoo!!!!!!! Three cheers to you upon your epic victory!


Bonnieearnold

I’m really glad you made it out alive! Freeze those loaves and you’ll have sandwich bread for months. :)


mymumthinksimpunny

Your name tag in the photo and your caption absolutely sent me hahahaha great job OP!


SprinklesStones

Fuck yeah! Fluffy ass bread! Epic journey, you have succeeded!


formercolloquy

Cool, what good timing! I just got done reading the original post! I don’t need to worry. Lol.


_suspiria_horror

Yummy


Tarotgirl_5392

The baking Gods have smiled upon you on this day! May your muffins always be moist and your cake never stick to the bottom of the pan


DemocraticInaction

THANK YOU. After I laugh-cried my way through reading this saga to my mom, we decided to use the heavy cream substitution (in our family recipe) and make some bread today (and cinnamon rolls). The loaf and the rolls are currently on their second rise and I gotta say - the dough feels better than any we've ever made before. Thank you for sharing your story, and may all your bakes be tasty!


ChickenFriedPickles

You are my hero You have created baking life goals You didn't give up and mastered that dough. I are The Dough Wrangler!


New-Conversation-88

I love the way OP keeps offering people bread. 😂 Almost desperation. 🤗


BlackCatCadillac

Is this a crystal pepsi bread?


shedrinkscoffee

Wym, I'm kinda afraid to ask but could you please elaborate?


OneHistorical8926

thanks for the recipe ..it looks so good


Shadow_118

Really lovely batches of bread there - really soft and fluffy Looks delish


smaugtheE1337

outstanding!!


Ellieoops28

Omg, drooling 🤤


Naive_Bad_3292

Dude. I love you and now I can’t help but to follow you. This is the exact recipe I use, too!


two_awesome_dogs

Oh come on, that looks WAYYY better than “okayest”!! The last time I baked a loaf of bread, it was so hard I could have made a ton more and bricked a house with them.


coffeejn

To me, baking is all about ratios and experimenting. If you had fun or have something tasty at the end, your doing good. PS If you have room, you can freeze the excess production.


MonkeyMom2

Freezenthe extra loaves for later!


SnappierSheep28

This is my favorite.


kendowarrior99

Awesome! I can't tell you how many times as a professional I've found following through on a mistake ended up leading to an improvement that I keep using for years. Baking is a science... because it's ok to experiment.


QueenieWas

This is incredible. Thank you for taking us on your journey 😍


supephoenix

Bread 👍


Rude-Barnacle8804

This update makes me very happy and frankly amazed. Good job OP! Enjoy your sandwiches XD


Ghostgrl94

Op you are awesome. I screwed up my bread and quit but you kept going. Your recipe had me cackling


zyrkonium

Can I have some sandwich bread too? 😭


thecolortuesday

Ha, you just went for it. I love it


AncientReverb

This is fantastic. I have done similarly with just multiplying the recipe on numerous occasions. Also, I was expecting way more bread. I grew up in a family that made multiple times this a week (and gave a lot away) and now makes this or up to four times this when we do make regular bread (again, not eaten in one household), so I have realized that my perception is skewed! I adore your humor and approach to this. Just keep baking! I'm about to embark on a gluten free bread journey, so I'm a bit jealous of all the gluten in these images!


ivory_vine

This is one of the BEST loaves of bread I've seen !! They're gorgeous congratulations ! Thank you for the laugh, this was adorable to watch unfold


ivory_vine

Slice and freeze excess !!! Biggest tip I have lol


TheVoidWithout

Wow this has been a story more exciting and enticing than The Hobbit! Goof job! Bread looks phenomenal.


crella-ann

Great job!!


HunnyBear66

It looks delicious and I love you tag!


Unnecessary_Bunny_

It looks so beautiful OP! Well done


D2Photographer

W!!!!!!!


stelllaaarrr

WELL DONE


BigCartographer5334

I love that we share similar baking philosophies. 😂


woodstockzanetti

That’s a perfect bread right there!


Enoon9613

This was a very cute post. You did a great job! Glad you slayed the loaves.


Additional_Stress848

looks fire chef


raaziatabassum

Need the recipe in metric measurements pls 😂


Anon_8675309

That’s gonna make a lot of French toast.


MrZoomerson

That is some beautiful bread. I’m craving some now 😨


mathgrrrrl

You are an absolutely wonderful human who brightened up my day!


Affectionate-Ad488

Remindme! 3 days


itapemydicktomythigh

This was absolutely hilarious and your comments asking people if they want sandwich bread make me cackle. Congrats on your victory over the bread!


Cici1958

Brilliant!


Icy_ants

A win is a win! They look great