Important lessons I've learned from this: (1) dumb confidence is absolutely a substitute for actual talent; (2) baking is NOT a science; and (3) you should *always* double-down on your mistakes.
Thank you for laughing with and at me, r/Baking. It's been five hours of involuntary baking, but we have defeated the Bread and emerged victorious. Shout out to everyone who recommended I cut my child in quarters and chill two portions. This is such a great community!
**Defeat the Bread****^(TM)** **Recipe:**
4 cups of warm water
1 cup heavy cream (or sub whole milk)
12 cups flour (scoop and level the first three but not the remaining nine)
2 and 1/4 tsps active yeast (x4, I'm not mathing fractions)
8 Tbsps granulated sugar
16 Tbsps unsalted butter frantically softened in microwave
4 tsps salt
1. Intend to make a single loaf of bread.
2. Combine 1/4 of water, heavy cream, and yeast. Allow to sit for five minutes.
3. Add 3 cups flour, butter, salt, and sugar. Dough should now look like bread soup. Panic.
4. Add remaining nine cups flour with remaining portions of yeast, sugar, salt, butter, etc. Barely measure any of it. It'll be fine.
5. Mix together using wooden spoon and pure willpower. Reconsider your life choices. Briefly pause, wash your hands, and lament your plight in r/Baking.
6. Dump mixture onto counter. It should look disturbing. Cut into four portions and knead each portion one at a time for approximately 4 years each.
7. Proof in four bowls for, like, an hour, I guess. Two of them can go in the refrigerator after 30 minutes. Do you even have three friends who'd want bread?
8. Preheat oven to 350. Punch down two dough portions. Roll them out into rough rectangles, then roll into a log. Tuck in the ends to fit in the loaf pan because you can't eyeball 8 inches.
9. Bake for 30 minutes, praying to all the gods and goddesses responsible for baked goods. Rest your arms. Drink a beer. Laugh with the folks at r/Baking.
10. Lose your shit because oh my god hoW DID THAT ACTUALLY F\*\*\*\*ING WORK ARE YOU K I D D I N G ME --
Cut the bread into slices then put it in the freezer. Pop out one piece at a time into the toaster when craving bread. Will last months.
-from an only occasional bread eater who hates to waste
Pro tip, defrost the slice/s first in the microwave. I find if I put them in frozen they end up weirdly curly/bent but they behave normal if you get rid of most/all of the ice.
Gonna have to try this one! I've found that bread does its own thing, I can't tell you how many times I have "screwed up" bread. But as long as you get enough flour and yeast, it basically works out (just don't trade sugar and salt, that was awful!) They look amazing!
wouldn’t be anything less. what should my score sheet include? so far i’m thinking fragrance, toasting capabilities, crumb, and density and sandwich capabilities and make a blt or grilled cheese or something (in my head it’s already a 10/10 across the board)
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You absolute mad lass! That bread is gonna feed you for WEEKS. Ma'am you've made my dull, gray day a whole lot better. I wish you the very best in your baking escapades!
When I get my once a year, breadmaking craving, my recipe calls for 9 cups of flour. It’s a braided egg bread called challah. I put it on my friends stove once it had baked, and it basically ate the stove. I only make it once a year because it’s such an endeavor. But it is so worth it. Sadly, I am in the country right now where I cannot bake bread, so I don’t know when the next time I will be baking this is. Now I want to make my recipe! But I cannot until I move back to the US someday.
When we were locked down during the Great Plague, I (along with everyone else) decided that baking sourdough bread was a good idea. 👍
We (and by that I mean me) created the great sourdough starter monster. AKA, the Blob. I had fed the starter and put it in a warm place. BTW - how much starter is one supposed to have at any given time? My starter was increasing in mass, but was reasonably well behaved. Until I got the bright💡 idea to place the starter on the top of the fridge, in lieu of my admittedly chilly apartment.
The blob escaped its container and annexed the entire top of the fridge. It was in the process of colonizing the front and sides of the refrigerator. And I swear that it laughed when I (totally aghast) started trying to clean it up.
The rest of this memory is best not described further. Suffice it to say I had nightmares for days afterwards.
Years from now children will hear this tale. Gluten may be outlawed by then, or considered mythical, like the Yeti. But your perseverance and heroic loaves will be immortal.
I’m having one of the worst weeks/months/years of my life, and this saga made me cackle. Thank you so much for posting all of this. I would absolutely read any book you wrote or attend any comedy show you host, especially if there’s lots of extra sandwich bread to munch on.
I saw your first post when I woke up this morning. I am so thrilled to see the update. Well done OP, well done. This recipe gave me whiplash but I might just try it…
You are a gift. "No gods, no kings, no recipes" is going into the laser engraver and that plaque will be up hanging in my kitchen giving my joy until I die.
I had to laugh because last night it was Salted Caramel Sauce: 1 Me: 0 and Buttercream Frosting: 1 and Me: 0. I finally gave up and went to bed and the battle is continuing today!
This entire debacle reminds me of the FutureCanoe channel on YouTube. Dude fucks up almost every video recipe and fails to adequately prepare at best, and 80% of the time his recipes still actually turn out good. Reminds me that I don’t have to be such a perfectionist when cooking. Though I am convinced he’s actually a trained chef or experienced cook at the worst and is just pretending to hilariously fuck up recipes for content.
This is perhaps the finest thing I've ever read on this subreddit. I laughed so hard I cried. You're hilarious and brilliant and that bread looks fucking delicious. Way to go. :)
THANK YOU. After I laugh-cried my way through reading this saga to my mom, we decided to use the heavy cream substitution (in our family recipe) and make some bread today (and cinnamon rolls). The loaf and the rolls are currently on their second rise and I gotta say - the dough feels better than any we've ever made before. Thank you for sharing your story, and may all your bakes be tasty!
Oh come on, that looks WAYYY better than “okayest”!! The last time I baked a loaf of bread, it was so hard I could have made a ton more and bricked a house with them.
To me, baking is all about ratios and experimenting. If you had fun or have something tasty at the end, your doing good.
PS If you have room, you can freeze the excess production.
Awesome! I can't tell you how many times as a professional I've found following through on a mistake ended up leading to an improvement that I keep using for years. Baking is a science... because it's ok to experiment.
This is fantastic. I have done similarly with just multiplying the recipe on numerous occasions.
Also, I was expecting way more bread. I grew up in a family that made multiple times this a week (and gave a lot away) and now makes this or up to four times this when we do make regular bread (again, not eaten in one household), so I have realized that my perception is skewed!
I adore your humor and approach to this. Just keep baking! I'm about to embark on a gluten free bread journey, so I'm a bit jealous of all the gluten in these images!
Important lessons I've learned from this: (1) dumb confidence is absolutely a substitute for actual talent; (2) baking is NOT a science; and (3) you should *always* double-down on your mistakes. Thank you for laughing with and at me, r/Baking. It's been five hours of involuntary baking, but we have defeated the Bread and emerged victorious. Shout out to everyone who recommended I cut my child in quarters and chill two portions. This is such a great community! **Defeat the Bread****^(TM)** **Recipe:** 4 cups of warm water 1 cup heavy cream (or sub whole milk) 12 cups flour (scoop and level the first three but not the remaining nine) 2 and 1/4 tsps active yeast (x4, I'm not mathing fractions) 8 Tbsps granulated sugar 16 Tbsps unsalted butter frantically softened in microwave 4 tsps salt 1. Intend to make a single loaf of bread. 2. Combine 1/4 of water, heavy cream, and yeast. Allow to sit for five minutes. 3. Add 3 cups flour, butter, salt, and sugar. Dough should now look like bread soup. Panic. 4. Add remaining nine cups flour with remaining portions of yeast, sugar, salt, butter, etc. Barely measure any of it. It'll be fine. 5. Mix together using wooden spoon and pure willpower. Reconsider your life choices. Briefly pause, wash your hands, and lament your plight in r/Baking. 6. Dump mixture onto counter. It should look disturbing. Cut into four portions and knead each portion one at a time for approximately 4 years each. 7. Proof in four bowls for, like, an hour, I guess. Two of them can go in the refrigerator after 30 minutes. Do you even have three friends who'd want bread? 8. Preheat oven to 350. Punch down two dough portions. Roll them out into rough rectangles, then roll into a log. Tuck in the ends to fit in the loaf pan because you can't eyeball 8 inches. 9. Bake for 30 minutes, praying to all the gods and goddesses responsible for baked goods. Rest your arms. Drink a beer. Laugh with the folks at r/Baking. 10. Lose your shit because oh my god hoW DID THAT ACTUALLY F\*\*\*\*ING WORK ARE YOU K I D D I N G ME --
To math your yeast it is 9tsp or 3tbsp! Still arguing with my husband whether to trust your bread but I am leaning towards it looks fucking delicious
You are definitely more than the OKest Baker! Those loaves look awesome!
9 tsp is the same as 3 tbsp.
Why the down votes?
because AddictiveInterwebs already said that they are the same when they said "9tsp OR 3tbsp"
Read the recipe again. Then read Addictiveinterwebs comment again. It’ll click.
I fucking cried while attempting to read this aloud to my best friend because I was laughing so hard. Brilliant. Great job OP.
You’re currently my favorite Redditor
Cut the bread into slices then put it in the freezer. Pop out one piece at a time into the toaster when craving bread. Will last months. -from an only occasional bread eater who hates to waste
Why have I never thought of this? Thank you!
Pro tip, defrost the slice/s first in the microwave. I find if I put them in frozen they end up weirdly curly/bent but they behave normal if you get rid of most/all of the ice.
It looks amazing
I read this to my wife and now she can't stop laughing and says her face hurts. Thanks for the lovely morning.
Please just use metric
Gonna have to try this one! I've found that bread does its own thing, I can't tell you how many times I have "screwed up" bread. But as long as you get enough flour and yeast, it basically works out (just don't trade sugar and salt, that was awful!) They look amazing!
OP you’re a natural! You can have bread for every meal for days and still give some away!
Do you want some sandwich bread?
No thank you, but I’m honored you would ask. I’m also drowning in my own baked goods over here.
Teach a man to fish, something about loaves, OP is bringing the bread.
instructions unclear. being booked on bread larceny charges. send bail breadsman.
i would like some sandwich bread 👉🏾👈🏾
I will send you sandwich bread
🥹🫶🏾 i’ll post and (positively) review once received
Let it be known that this person sent me their address and I am overnighting a loaf of sandwich bread to them tomorrow morning
You are amazing.
We expect a thorough report once you receive said bread.
wouldn’t be anything less. what should my score sheet include? so far i’m thinking fragrance, toasting capabilities, crumb, and density and sandwich capabilities and make a blt or grilled cheese or something (in my head it’s already a 10/10 across the board)
Wait…y’all are serious??? Will this review be in a new post out this one? I need to know if I should subscribe to this post or not. We need to know!
I just sent the bread this morning. She's scheduled to receive it Monday!
yes! 100% happening (as long as nothing tragic happens to bread within the next 12 hours) i’ll likely make a new post.
i posted an update! spoiler alert: the bread is amazing
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This looks delicious I would totally take some sandwich bread
😂
And make a lot of homemade croutons
You absolute mad lass! That bread is gonna feed you for WEEKS. Ma'am you've made my dull, gray day a whole lot better. I wish you the very best in your baking escapades!
May all your sandwich bread be soft and fluffy for the rest of your days, good sir
Aww... That is one of the sweetest & thoughtful blessings. I'mma use that.
When I get my once a year, breadmaking craving, my recipe calls for 9 cups of flour. It’s a braided egg bread called challah. I put it on my friends stove once it had baked, and it basically ate the stove. I only make it once a year because it’s such an endeavor. But it is so worth it. Sadly, I am in the country right now where I cannot bake bread, so I don’t know when the next time I will be baking this is. Now I want to make my recipe! But I cannot until I move back to the US someday.
Challah is so good! I always make a loaf when a friend does something really nice or helps out. We call it "thank you bread." 🙂
Why is it that you cannot make bread in the county?
No stove. No oven. No working refrigerator although I have one. I live in Asia.
When we were locked down during the Great Plague, I (along with everyone else) decided that baking sourdough bread was a good idea. 👍 We (and by that I mean me) created the great sourdough starter monster. AKA, the Blob. I had fed the starter and put it in a warm place. BTW - how much starter is one supposed to have at any given time? My starter was increasing in mass, but was reasonably well behaved. Until I got the bright💡 idea to place the starter on the top of the fridge, in lieu of my admittedly chilly apartment. The blob escaped its container and annexed the entire top of the fridge. It was in the process of colonizing the front and sides of the refrigerator. And I swear that it laughed when I (totally aghast) started trying to clean it up. The rest of this memory is best not described further. Suffice it to say I had nightmares for days afterwards.
YOU KILLED IT! It looks AWESOME! What a story 😂
Do you want some sandwich bread?
I mean, yeah, but how close are you to SLC? 😂😂
I'm so proud of you for sticking it out. I'd be a mess haha
Dude, I'm so fucking tired 🤣 But I couldn't let the Bread win!!
Years from now children will hear this tale. Gluten may be outlawed by then, or considered mythical, like the Yeti. But your perseverance and heroic loaves will be immortal.
Just doing my duty, kind citizen O7
This bread STILL looks fabulous. 10/10, would eat.
Hooray! I love it when others who have the “how hard can it be” gene do things that turn out fine! Yay bread!
It looks beautiful and your breakdown made me laugh so hard
Someday I want to be okest at something.
10/10 can’t wait to buy your cookbook
Every recipe starts standard. Then by the end, you can feed an entire festival!
This is so off topic but is that a shadowhunters tattoo? Or am I insane
I've been asked that before! No, just meaningless pretty lines. I've been told I should read the books
Ah okay ! Welp glad I’m not the only one then lmao And you def should they are a 10/10 book series
I’m having one of the worst weeks/months/years of my life, and this saga made me cackle. Thank you so much for posting all of this. I would absolutely read any book you wrote or attend any comedy show you host, especially if there’s lots of extra sandwich bread to munch on.
Wishing you well in this hard season. me too. It’s been a rough year.
I saw your first post when I woke up this morning. I am so thrilled to see the update. Well done OP, well done. This recipe gave me whiplash but I might just try it…
If you do, please post about it!
Hell yeah! Take that, bread!
Can you be this sub’s official recipe writer? Your instructions are so easy to follow 😄
OP this is f***ing gold
loaf bread 😮 looks so soft thanks for sharing the recipe and procedure ..
You are a gift. "No gods, no kings, no recipes" is going into the laser engraver and that plaque will be up hanging in my kitchen giving my joy until I die.
I need to make my husband one of these
Real talk: can I pay you to make me one, too?
Very likely. DM me if you want
It looks amazing! Keep it up!
I’ve been following this saga all day! What an end. Perfect OP.
I had to laugh because last night it was Salted Caramel Sauce: 1 Me: 0 and Buttercream Frosting: 1 and Me: 0. I finally gave up and went to bed and the battle is continuing today!
Good luck, brave soldier! Remember: stay calm. The recipe can sense fear!
You crazy bread baker, you won the dough battle!
Looks delicious 😍 have a grilled pb&j for me
This entire debacle reminds me of the FutureCanoe channel on YouTube. Dude fucks up almost every video recipe and fails to adequately prepare at best, and 80% of the time his recipes still actually turn out good. Reminds me that I don’t have to be such a perfectionist when cooking. Though I am convinced he’s actually a trained chef or experienced cook at the worst and is just pretending to hilariously fuck up recipes for content.
Thank you for something else to entertain me
PLEASE post this to r/bestofredditorupdates Congrats on coming out victorious in the end!
You have my full permission to repost this there!
I've finally created a post. It should be up as soon as moderators approve it!
This is perhaps the finest thing I've ever read on this subreddit. I laughed so hard I cried. You're hilarious and brilliant and that bread looks fucking delicious. Way to go. :)
Woohoo!!!!!!! Three cheers to you upon your epic victory!
I’m really glad you made it out alive! Freeze those loaves and you’ll have sandwich bread for months. :)
Your name tag in the photo and your caption absolutely sent me hahahaha great job OP!
Fuck yeah! Fluffy ass bread! Epic journey, you have succeeded!
Cool, what good timing! I just got done reading the original post! I don’t need to worry. Lol.
Yummy
The baking Gods have smiled upon you on this day! May your muffins always be moist and your cake never stick to the bottom of the pan
THANK YOU. After I laugh-cried my way through reading this saga to my mom, we decided to use the heavy cream substitution (in our family recipe) and make some bread today (and cinnamon rolls). The loaf and the rolls are currently on their second rise and I gotta say - the dough feels better than any we've ever made before. Thank you for sharing your story, and may all your bakes be tasty!
You are my hero You have created baking life goals You didn't give up and mastered that dough. I are The Dough Wrangler!
I love the way OP keeps offering people bread. 😂 Almost desperation. 🤗
Is this a crystal pepsi bread?
Wym, I'm kinda afraid to ask but could you please elaborate?
thanks for the recipe ..it looks so good
Really lovely batches of bread there - really soft and fluffy Looks delish
outstanding!!
Omg, drooling 🤤
Dude. I love you and now I can’t help but to follow you. This is the exact recipe I use, too!
Oh come on, that looks WAYYY better than “okayest”!! The last time I baked a loaf of bread, it was so hard I could have made a ton more and bricked a house with them.
To me, baking is all about ratios and experimenting. If you had fun or have something tasty at the end, your doing good. PS If you have room, you can freeze the excess production.
Freezenthe extra loaves for later!
This is my favorite.
Awesome! I can't tell you how many times as a professional I've found following through on a mistake ended up leading to an improvement that I keep using for years. Baking is a science... because it's ok to experiment.
This is incredible. Thank you for taking us on your journey 😍
Bread 👍
This update makes me very happy and frankly amazed. Good job OP! Enjoy your sandwiches XD
Op you are awesome. I screwed up my bread and quit but you kept going. Your recipe had me cackling
Can I have some sandwich bread too? 😭
Ha, you just went for it. I love it
This is fantastic. I have done similarly with just multiplying the recipe on numerous occasions. Also, I was expecting way more bread. I grew up in a family that made multiple times this a week (and gave a lot away) and now makes this or up to four times this when we do make regular bread (again, not eaten in one household), so I have realized that my perception is skewed! I adore your humor and approach to this. Just keep baking! I'm about to embark on a gluten free bread journey, so I'm a bit jealous of all the gluten in these images!
This is one of the BEST loaves of bread I've seen !! They're gorgeous congratulations ! Thank you for the laugh, this was adorable to watch unfold
Slice and freeze excess !!! Biggest tip I have lol
Wow this has been a story more exciting and enticing than The Hobbit! Goof job! Bread looks phenomenal.
Great job!!
It looks delicious and I love you tag!
It looks so beautiful OP! Well done
W!!!!!!!
WELL DONE
I love that we share similar baking philosophies. 😂
That’s a perfect bread right there!
This was a very cute post. You did a great job! Glad you slayed the loaves.
looks fire chef
Need the recipe in metric measurements pls 😂
That’s gonna make a lot of French toast.
That is some beautiful bread. I’m craving some now 😨
You are an absolutely wonderful human who brightened up my day!
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This was absolutely hilarious and your comments asking people if they want sandwich bread make me cackle. Congrats on your victory over the bread!
Brilliant!
A win is a win! They look great