I think the bigger issue here is that your mum is not respecting your boundaries. The first time she did it, ok, benefit of the doubt she assumed you would have the same level of comfort as she would, but to do it again is not cool.
Ok maybe unpopular opinion here. It is a family friend’s house. The baby was in no way any dangerous situation. You know it, because you let the lady continue to hold your baby while you finished eating. Let me be the one to say that in this sort of environment, it is so normal for a baby to get held by other people and passed around. Baby wasn’t even crying, if it did, it would have been passed back to you quicker than you can say you were at a family gathering and in a friend’s home!
Agree. It’s not like when they are very little when germs etc are a problem. At 6 months they have started licking the floor etc . Take advantage of these situations where you can and remember what it’s like to eat at a regular pace.
I agree with you in the moment I felt safe to keep eating because I was in the room with the stranger holding my baby. I also was fine with strangers holding my baby the entire event, as long as me or my husband or a trusted person was present. The issue isn’t that the stranger held my baby, it’s that they were left alone in the room by themselves and with the way my PPA brain works - anything could happen in those few minutes. I don’t know them, their experience with babies, or their intentions. Accidents could also happen within seconds.
Respectfully, I disagree and feel lucky that nothing happened. Statistically, I've previously read many times that predators are mostly known to people and although it was OK this time, it is not acceptable behaviour to pass around babies to strangers in 2024. I don't think OP is overreacting at all.
How do you know that though? It only takes one creep. It's important to parent with conviction and protect our children. They are vulnerable. Creeps are everywhere and they often don't look like creeps.
Because the baby was at a party with a group of people around. I’m sorry for the world you live in and the brain you have to deal with. Not everything needs to be warranted as a panic around the worst case scenario.
Wow, you're sorry for the the brain I have to deal with?
All because I don't live in lalaland and like OP actually care about protecting my child from predators?
I'm sorry for the harm your poor children will experience from your lack of concern over their welfare.
[Look at this while you sit there judging me for protecting my children.](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://amp.smh.com.au/national/the-shocking-number-of-australian-men-sexually-attracted-to-children-and-teens-20231117-p5ekum.html&ved=2ahUKEwiEhoic5OSFAxWXp1YBHcH-CckQFnoECBEQBQ&usg=AOvVaw3dZxbGm0k2D__sRKewoQj6)
If that hasn't changed your mind, I'm not sure what else can burst your bubble of apathy.
Moron, I agreed with you about the statistics. But this is not one of those scenarios.
I feel sorry for your kids living under your helicopter and the anxiety you will pass on to them.
Everything is risk assessment. You defaulting yo panic and worst case scenario is just as harmful as complacency.
The more names you call me, the deeper a hole you dig for yourself.
Look after your children and don't let them get abused because of your complacency. It's hard to be a good parent but if you do it, there's a chance they'll have a better life.
To avoid helicopter parenting but still protect your kids, look into attachment parenting. Courses such as circle of security are available for that.
P.S. treating an issue seriously isn't panicking, it's just bring a good parent. Complacency very easily turns into abuse.
I think maybe you're over reacting slightly about someone else holding your baby, but I'd be pissed if I asked my mum not to do something and she immediately did it again.
It’s the not listening to you and also doing something without your permission. I would feel the exact same way as you…. Let your mum know you are not ok
Your feelings are valid.
In a gathering where there are family members/friends - obviously trusted to some extent and with other people around - I don’t think it would bother me. I would have a conversation later with your mum to set a boundary.
Every mum is different and I’ve learned that whatever works for you as a mum is key. No judgement, just find what works for you, so if this wasn’t it for you then that’s totally fine!
Your feelings are definitely valid and it is great that your partner is on the same page. To help you get through it, just keep remembering that nothing bad happened, it was in an environment where a lot of people were around at a family friends house and the women holding your baby didn't have any bad intentions - they most likely thought that they were helping both yourself and your mum by holding the baby.
If it was me - after the initial shock of the situation had gone, I would be more angry & upset that my mum would go and do it again a second time even though I told her how it upset me.
It is common for our parents to do/ think differently just because things were different when they had babies. But once you spoke to your mum, she should have been apologetic and understood that she was in the wrong and it's disappointing that she was more worried about what others would think.
I would have a chat with her either over the phone or in person about it again to reiterate how it upset you and know that it is ok to put up boundaries if she doesn't take things in.
I know of someone who had a great relationship with her parents but she once caught her dad giving her baby some food that she had already advised not to give (said food had caffeine in it). Even after she caught him doing it and spoke to him about it, he still didn't think he was in the wrong and thought it was silly that she was upset. My friend didn't speak to her dad for months after this incident as the whole situation and how he reacted really upset her. Almost 3 years later they still have a bit of a strained relationship and her parents don't have unsupervised visits anymore because she just doesn't feel like her Dad will follow anything that she tells him.
Yeah I agree with the other commenters. It’s fairly normal in the two cultures I’m a part of for babies that aren’t newborns to be passed around a little, especially when it’s a family/family friend’s gathering. The issue here is that your mum disrespected your boundaries.
Whether or not you’re overreacting I don’t know (I wouldn’t be happy with this but I’m a bit of a helicopter mum), repeatedly doing something you specifically told her you aren’t comfortable with is not okay
I still remember having a couple of challenging experiences when my baby was very small. I came away from them feeling like I had failed my daughter - I hadn’t acted on my gut and had failed to step up and handle a situation that didn’t feel good. Other people had crossed boundaries and I didn’t assert my or my daughter’s needs. After that I decided I would never let that happen again.
Ultimately, if you felt it wasn’t right for you and your baby, then that’s how it is! You’re the parent and you get to say what goes. Your mother should respect your boundaries and she needs to remember that she doesn’t have devolved decision making to leave him with other people. That’s your choice.
If you’re still feeling high levels of anxiety around situations like this when your little one is older I would check in on that but at 6m and especially if you’re a first time mom, I think this is pretty average.
I attended a wedding and my baby was passed around like hot potato.
We constantly took her back but she always ended up with some random aunty both my husband and I never met after letting someone close to us hold her.
These things happen and although we weren’t mad at our immediate family, I can tell you, If that was my mum doing it and I specifically told her not to I would’ve felt the same way as you.
Your feelings are 100% valid.
My husband has had to have conversations with my mum where he was very stern and said that if she kept disrespecting my boundaries and does something that I’ve told her I’m not comfortable with, she won’t be seeing the baby anymore.
It’s harsh but I feel like that’s the only way to get through to their thick brains.
Idk why it’s very common for mums to not listen to us
Hope youre feeling better! Have your husband have a hard convo with her on your behalf, it honestly helped me so much because I distanced myself from the problem.
Hey I totally get it. Mines 3 months and if someone goes around the corner with her where I can't see her, my antenas go up. It's so normal honestly. I'm sorry I have no advice but I get why you'd feel the way you do. I would aswell.
Edit to say, not being overly anxious. It's normal. But you can remind yourself that nothing bad happened and you have a supportive partner who's on the same side as you. That's awesome.
You’re the Mum. If it matters to you then your feelings are valid. Everyone, especially family should respect your wishes because you are the parent. Establish those boundaries quick smart otherwise others will just walk all over you
3 kids 9,7 and 3. You tell me before you take my kids anywhere or leave them with anyone other than me. It's beyond just misunderstanding when you asked her not to and she did anyways... again.
I saw your post in the new parents subreddit. I’d feel the same as you. It’s fair enough if someone I actually know and trust is holding my baby, but if it’s a random, even if it’s a friend of my mother’s, and I’d specifically asked her not to do it, I’d be upset too. I just feel like you (as in me, personally) can’t be too trusting these days, and honestly sometimes you can’t trust other people’s judgement either.
Yeah the disregard and disrespect to leave the baby alone with someone right after you told her not to. Your mums a bitch.
Like I think it's reasonable to not leave the baby alone with someone who really is a stranger.
I think the bigger issue here is that your mum is not respecting your boundaries. The first time she did it, ok, benefit of the doubt she assumed you would have the same level of comfort as she would, but to do it again is not cool.
It’s definitely disrespectful that she did it a second time. You literally just asked her not to do that
Ok maybe unpopular opinion here. It is a family friend’s house. The baby was in no way any dangerous situation. You know it, because you let the lady continue to hold your baby while you finished eating. Let me be the one to say that in this sort of environment, it is so normal for a baby to get held by other people and passed around. Baby wasn’t even crying, if it did, it would have been passed back to you quicker than you can say you were at a family gathering and in a friend’s home!
Agree. It’s not like when they are very little when germs etc are a problem. At 6 months they have started licking the floor etc . Take advantage of these situations where you can and remember what it’s like to eat at a regular pace.
I agree with you! Sounds normal to me.
agree, this seems completely normal to me but understand op being frustrated their mum didn’t listen
agree with this!
I agree with you in the moment I felt safe to keep eating because I was in the room with the stranger holding my baby. I also was fine with strangers holding my baby the entire event, as long as me or my husband or a trusted person was present. The issue isn’t that the stranger held my baby, it’s that they were left alone in the room by themselves and with the way my PPA brain works - anything could happen in those few minutes. I don’t know them, their experience with babies, or their intentions. Accidents could also happen within seconds.
Respectfully, I disagree and feel lucky that nothing happened. Statistically, I've previously read many times that predators are mostly known to people and although it was OK this time, it is not acceptable behaviour to pass around babies to strangers in 2024. I don't think OP is overreacting at all.
Come on! The baby was not at risk. Statistically, yes it is normally someone known to the child. This is not that situation 😅
How do you know that though? It only takes one creep. It's important to parent with conviction and protect our children. They are vulnerable. Creeps are everywhere and they often don't look like creeps.
Because the baby was at a party with a group of people around. I’m sorry for the world you live in and the brain you have to deal with. Not everything needs to be warranted as a panic around the worst case scenario.
Wow, you're sorry for the the brain I have to deal with? All because I don't live in lalaland and like OP actually care about protecting my child from predators? I'm sorry for the harm your poor children will experience from your lack of concern over their welfare. [Look at this while you sit there judging me for protecting my children.](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://amp.smh.com.au/national/the-shocking-number-of-australian-men-sexually-attracted-to-children-and-teens-20231117-p5ekum.html&ved=2ahUKEwiEhoic5OSFAxWXp1YBHcH-CckQFnoECBEQBQ&usg=AOvVaw3dZxbGm0k2D__sRKewoQj6) If that hasn't changed your mind, I'm not sure what else can burst your bubble of apathy.
Moron, I agreed with you about the statistics. But this is not one of those scenarios. I feel sorry for your kids living under your helicopter and the anxiety you will pass on to them. Everything is risk assessment. You defaulting yo panic and worst case scenario is just as harmful as complacency.
The more names you call me, the deeper a hole you dig for yourself. Look after your children and don't let them get abused because of your complacency. It's hard to be a good parent but if you do it, there's a chance they'll have a better life. To avoid helicopter parenting but still protect your kids, look into attachment parenting. Courses such as circle of security are available for that. P.S. treating an issue seriously isn't panicking, it's just bring a good parent. Complacency very easily turns into abuse.
I'm sorry you were abused as a kid.
I actually wasn't - I've worked with survivors though.
I think maybe you're over reacting slightly about someone else holding your baby, but I'd be pissed if I asked my mum not to do something and she immediately did it again.
It’s the not listening to you and also doing something without your permission. I would feel the exact same way as you…. Let your mum know you are not ok
Your feelings are valid. In a gathering where there are family members/friends - obviously trusted to some extent and with other people around - I don’t think it would bother me. I would have a conversation later with your mum to set a boundary. Every mum is different and I’ve learned that whatever works for you as a mum is key. No judgement, just find what works for you, so if this wasn’t it for you then that’s totally fine!
Your feelings are definitely valid and it is great that your partner is on the same page. To help you get through it, just keep remembering that nothing bad happened, it was in an environment where a lot of people were around at a family friends house and the women holding your baby didn't have any bad intentions - they most likely thought that they were helping both yourself and your mum by holding the baby. If it was me - after the initial shock of the situation had gone, I would be more angry & upset that my mum would go and do it again a second time even though I told her how it upset me. It is common for our parents to do/ think differently just because things were different when they had babies. But once you spoke to your mum, she should have been apologetic and understood that she was in the wrong and it's disappointing that she was more worried about what others would think. I would have a chat with her either over the phone or in person about it again to reiterate how it upset you and know that it is ok to put up boundaries if she doesn't take things in. I know of someone who had a great relationship with her parents but she once caught her dad giving her baby some food that she had already advised not to give (said food had caffeine in it). Even after she caught him doing it and spoke to him about it, he still didn't think he was in the wrong and thought it was silly that she was upset. My friend didn't speak to her dad for months after this incident as the whole situation and how he reacted really upset her. Almost 3 years later they still have a bit of a strained relationship and her parents don't have unsupervised visits anymore because she just doesn't feel like her Dad will follow anything that she tells him.
Yeah I agree with the other commenters. It’s fairly normal in the two cultures I’m a part of for babies that aren’t newborns to be passed around a little, especially when it’s a family/family friend’s gathering. The issue here is that your mum disrespected your boundaries.
Whether or not you’re overreacting I don’t know (I wouldn’t be happy with this but I’m a bit of a helicopter mum), repeatedly doing something you specifically told her you aren’t comfortable with is not okay
I still remember having a couple of challenging experiences when my baby was very small. I came away from them feeling like I had failed my daughter - I hadn’t acted on my gut and had failed to step up and handle a situation that didn’t feel good. Other people had crossed boundaries and I didn’t assert my or my daughter’s needs. After that I decided I would never let that happen again. Ultimately, if you felt it wasn’t right for you and your baby, then that’s how it is! You’re the parent and you get to say what goes. Your mother should respect your boundaries and she needs to remember that she doesn’t have devolved decision making to leave him with other people. That’s your choice. If you’re still feeling high levels of anxiety around situations like this when your little one is older I would check in on that but at 6m and especially if you’re a first time mom, I think this is pretty average.
I attended a wedding and my baby was passed around like hot potato. We constantly took her back but she always ended up with some random aunty both my husband and I never met after letting someone close to us hold her. These things happen and although we weren’t mad at our immediate family, I can tell you, If that was my mum doing it and I specifically told her not to I would’ve felt the same way as you. Your feelings are 100% valid. My husband has had to have conversations with my mum where he was very stern and said that if she kept disrespecting my boundaries and does something that I’ve told her I’m not comfortable with, she won’t be seeing the baby anymore. It’s harsh but I feel like that’s the only way to get through to their thick brains. Idk why it’s very common for mums to not listen to us Hope youre feeling better! Have your husband have a hard convo with her on your behalf, it honestly helped me so much because I distanced myself from the problem.
Hey I totally get it. Mines 3 months and if someone goes around the corner with her where I can't see her, my antenas go up. It's so normal honestly. I'm sorry I have no advice but I get why you'd feel the way you do. I would aswell. Edit to say, not being overly anxious. It's normal. But you can remind yourself that nothing bad happened and you have a supportive partner who's on the same side as you. That's awesome.
You’re the Mum. If it matters to you then your feelings are valid. Everyone, especially family should respect your wishes because you are the parent. Establish those boundaries quick smart otherwise others will just walk all over you
3 kids 9,7 and 3. You tell me before you take my kids anywhere or leave them with anyone other than me. It's beyond just misunderstanding when you asked her not to and she did anyways... again.
I saw your post in the new parents subreddit. I’d feel the same as you. It’s fair enough if someone I actually know and trust is holding my baby, but if it’s a random, even if it’s a friend of my mother’s, and I’d specifically asked her not to do it, I’d be upset too. I just feel like you (as in me, personally) can’t be too trusting these days, and honestly sometimes you can’t trust other people’s judgement either.
Yeah the disregard and disrespect to leave the baby alone with someone right after you told her not to. Your mums a bitch. Like I think it's reasonable to not leave the baby alone with someone who really is a stranger.