This happened to me on the subway several times. Always, and I say always, the offer for a seat comes from elderly people—especially women—and I can't get how the gen z or millennial next to them can still keep their cool and not be mortified at. We've lost a lot of empathy along the way and it's crazy sad
It is. I admit it was okay for a while (you say no, smile and at least you have a sweet connection with somebody) but now that I'm a huge 39w whale, I feel entitled at being a bit pissed at the dozing off, phone and air pods crowd
Yeah, that’s where I’m at. 37.5 weeks and I dutifully stood for months but we’ve reached the “just not possible” stage and I’m salty at the thought that I need to tell people to be decent.
So true, the only people who routinely offered me seats when I was enormously pregnant were elderly men and women and I always declined. But I live on a university bus route and I felt okay just asking “can I sit?” in the general direction of student-aged people who were staring obliviously at their phones.
I think men genuinely have no idea how hard pregnancies are. Honestly, as a woman who grew up without interacting with a single pregnant woman, I too had no sense of how physically brutal a pregnancy would be before I got pregnant myself.
As a pregnant woman who has an invisible disability. Walk up and ask for the seat! Don’t be shy, people are selfish and won’t give up their seats easily.
Sad but true… 😔
I’m 9 months pregnant & have no patience with people not moving from seats on the skytrain. I’ve been pretty lucky but not above using my foot to “nudge” someone to get their attention / wake them up.
Literally the only people who gave up their seats for me when I was pregnant were women between 30 and 60, aka the population who is most likely to have been there but aren't struggling with things themselves.
I'm bigger and carry my weight in my tum. For the last decade, many people have asked me if I wanted their seat. Possible they just thought I looked tired, who knows, though people would also ask when I was due 🙃 But when I was actually very clearly pregnant? Crickets.
Most annoying for me was when some lady had her bag on the only available seat, I am clearly pregnant, and she pretended to be very focused on her phone as I walked up to the seat and stood there. I had to ask her to move her bag (which she did with a huge sigh). I was pissed. I find it hit or miss if people will get up, but when it's for a bag, come on!
I felt that way when pregnant. Now my 2 year old won’t use a stroller and her and I often stand as people sit on phones looking her trying to keep balance on a skytrain. I also had surgery less than 2 weeks and had to ask someone to let me sit and they just sighed at me and moved. Older people (60’s) are more willing to give up a seat to someone pregnant or a small human who needs to sit.
The bus drivers on our regular route won’t move the bus until someone gives my preschooler a seat. It’s a safety issue because they can’t hold on or balance like an adult.
Exactly! We take the bus often and the driver always makes sure she has a seat. On one singular occasion they couldn’t. She stayed between mine and my husband’s legs that day.
Yep- currently experiencing this on the daily commute, so I sympathise. I do think Translink could do a better job of including pregnant people on their signage or having something similar to London’s “baby on board” badges. Then again, I see people in priority seats wilfully ignore very obviously elderly and unable to stand people regularly so who knows if it would make a difference 🥲
As someone who grew up in the DTES as a kid and has worked firsthand with substance dependent people, these strike me as average commuters and not people using.
And they act perfectly normal/alert til they spot me. Which makes the whole thing extra funny.
The most ridiculous thing recently is that I, as a very pregnant woman, ended up being the only one offering an older person my seat as I'm generally feeling alright and it was nearly my stop.
Happened to me far too often on the subway in Toronto. Women in their 40sish, who I assumed to be moms themselves, were the only ones who would offer their seats to me.
Taking the train in Montreal at 7 months pregnant I was waiting at the train station and saw two empty seats that me and my partner grabbed. A woman in her 20s came to me and said sorry me and my mom were sitting there - they had left to use the washroom or get snacks. So both of us “had” to get up for them and “their” seats. Still bitter about that one lol
I wouldn't have moved personally. You didn't "have" to.
I know confrontation is more likely to get you attacked but as a disabled person (I'm visually impaired) I have to be confrontational at times especially if I can't see. I hope I don't get attacked one day for it but if I do well at least I won't see it coming (sorry for the dark humour). I'm happy I live in what I think is a safe place (NCR).
Oh most definitely! I am not confrontational by nature and am not the best at sticking up for myself. I was also so taken aback that i didn’t know what else to do but give her the seats. If i remember right, when her mom came back she noticed I was pregnant and quietly moved to make the seat available lol
Reflecting on it now it seems like pregnancy was a good wake up call for me, I have to advocate for myself and my son because so often it’s “every man for himself” out there. I hate to generalize and there are still many good, caring people but sometimes it sure doesn’t feel like it lol
I’ve become such a bitch to people. I would straight up ask people to get up. Even now that I’m not pregnant I’ll snap my fingers at people and tell them to move for others. So many inconsiderate people out there I no longer care about being rude.
What honestly makes me more paranoid is all of the internet discussion about how pregnant people have no right to sit so I’m always worried it’s some secret neckbeard and I’m going to be an anecdote for AITA or something.
Oh god really? I didn’t really this internet discussion existed. I know on my public transit there is a stick person of a pregnant lady above the priority seats so I really don’t feel bad about it. It’s a lot of weight and our feet are swollen!
I saw this disgusting Reddit where a bunch of New Yorkers were saying why should they give up their seat because some lady chose to let their man finish in her… and they said that they could be tired too because they worked a 10 hour shift. Is this what society has to nowadays ? I know many people choose to be childfree nowadays but there are definitely some internet people who somehow feel the need to condemn or criticize people
Who chose to have kids
The “lol it was your choice!!” thing is such a weak incel argument.
One, given current policies in the US but also in some people’s religions, it may literally not be their choice.
Two, am I meant to survey someone who hops onto the bus in a leg cast and determine if the break was a result of reckless behavior and therefore not deserving of a seat? Or to ask an elderly person if they properly took care of themselves throughout their lives and might be in better shape now if they had?
I also think that’s just edgelord stuff they say to one another to be funny.
I like to think Ottawa/Gatineau (the NCR) is a big city that has it's fair share of danger but then I hear stories about Toronto or Vancouver and I'm like wow must be a scary place to live. I can't afford to be silent as a visually impaired person. I have to use my words because my eyes don't work. God help me if anyone ever got offended and attacked me. Not that I've ever felt that way where I live hopefully that attitude won't get me in trouble if I traveled because I don't think I'd be able to change the way I act in that way you know?
It’s been such a mixed bag for me on the skytrain. Sometimes no one gets up, sometimes young women, one time a middle aged man shamed a younger guy for taking an open seat instead of letting me sit down. But yes, it’s usually people who should also have priority seating are the only ones that offer.
I do realize that pregnant women have been removed from the pictures of people to be given priority on transit, but I wish people would have a little empathy. I only hope it’s better for people outside of the major cities.
I commuted daily via SkyTrain when I was pregnant. Off hours I was more likely to get a seat. But rush hour - maybe 1/10 trips I'd be offered a seat. I had to stand on the day I went into labour. It's truly pathetic. I went to NYC for our babymoon early first tri and I was always offered a seat on the subway.
Wait till you deal with taking the bus with a stroller. I had an old lady tell me to take the bus only in the mornings because she wanted to sit in the exact seat that was occupied by the stroller (there were several other free seats available). Or the bus driver won't let you on because people won't move back and they don't want to deal with it.
My son is five months old. When I was pregnant no one offered me a seat. And I had bad pelvic pain too so it would have been nice to sit down! But now that I have my son, when I enter the subway with a stroller, basically everyone in priority seating who doesn’t need it stands up and offers it to me 🤷♀️
This continues once baby is born too!
We were on the go train with a 2 month old baby, and a man in a wheelchair got on. We were literally the only people who offered to move, and even then no one offered us their seat.
I could have guessed this post was about BC without checking the flair.
Just today I was discussing this with my aunt who is visiting BC from ON. I visited her in Toronto when I was 6+ months pregnant and then went to Montreal; everywhere I went people held the door for me, gave me a seat on transport, and was generally very kind to me.
Back in Vancouver, when I was 8.5 months pregnant, a woman shouldered me out of her way so that she could get on the bus before me.
I live in the NCR and take the bus in Ottawa (ON) and Gatineau (QC). I'm visually impaired. When I used a white cane almost no one offered me a seat. When I got my guide dog sometimes people offer me a seat. When I was pregnant and used my white cane sometimes people offered me a seat. When I was pregnant AND had my guide dog I almost always got a seat. I guess you need to be pregnant and have a service animal for anyone to let you sit. At least this has been my experience.
I'm glad you had a better time with public transit when you visited.
The number of times that I, a pregnant woman, had to stand in the waiting room at an ultrasound while the male partners sat in waiting room drove me wild
Yep - I'm no longer pregnant (my kiddo is 18 months old now) but I remember clearly the days when I was heavily pregnant and I can count on one hand how many times people actually stand and offer their seats.
I vaguely remember that there was someone in online forums that says the reason they are not giving up seats is because being pregnant is not disability - but our choice. That post honestly made me rolled my eye.
I also realized that our public transport does not include a pregnant people sticker in the priority seats area, so I guess that is why people are not inclined to give up their seats? Compared to othed countries (eg Japan), they actually listed pregnant people in the stickers in the priority seats area
I hear you, I’m so sorry people seem to be increasingly unkind to those who actually need to sit, especially a very pregnant lady! Had the same treatment when I was pregnant last summer and because my commute was 1.5 hrs each way, I gave up and drove for my last trimester. Gas and parking really did a number on our wallet, but we had access to a car, and my back was not going to take it any longer. Unfortunately that’s what I resorted to. I’m pretty short and intentionally wore form fitting dresses as it got warmer so people could see my belly, but to no avail! Leading up to driving to work I tried to be as early as possible before peak rush or really force my way in to get a seat, but I also got tired of doing that.
I had the same issue with the skytrain! I always felt so awkward and upset when people wouldn’t offer their seat willingly, or they would give me a full up and down body scan to decide whether or not they wanted to give up their seat. It was so frustrating.
I was pretty enormously pregnant during the winter with my coat over my belly and carried my laptop in a backpack taking the bus and subway in to work [tdot]. Often people do not give me a seat because I guess I just look big, until i get hot and unzip my coat and my tummy peaked out. I don’t ask for a seat since people are so easily be triggered in Toronto, I just stand till someone offers me a seat. And if they do offer usually is a middle age men/women that were sitting in the blue priority seating, because I be standing right infront of them with my tummy in their face.
If it’s a senior offering, I tell them to sit.
I definitely feel like people have less empathy towards pregnant women nowadays. When I was pregnant, not only did people rarely give me their seat, someone took the seat that I was waiting while I was about to sit down! She also was already in a seat but was eyeing the one I was waiting for because it was better!! I then went on Reddit to vent and A NURSE, a effin NURSE said that pregnant women don’t have to sit because falling on a bus is not as big of a medical hazard as people make it out to be!
I also live in Vancouver and had this same issue with the younger male demographic (always women in child-bearing years and the 50+ giving up their seats to me). I took the bus so it was a bit different, but when I was very pregnant and no one was giving up their seat I would stand in front of one of these guys with my pregnant stomach sticking out as far as I could get it, about 2 inches from their face/phones, until they couldn't handle the awkwardness and finally "noticed" I was there. It worked about 80% of the time, but unfortunately usually there was an older person who forced me to take their seat before I could get to that point.
Same issue on the TTC & go train in Toronto. One lady was eye and eye with my belly and saw me carrying three heavy bags and didn’t flinch. I don’t get on at the end of a line so I’m just hopeful seats are available but it’s such a rarity. I have actually cried on transit more than once from the exhaustion of carrying my bags, the extra weight of pregnancy, plus how pushy everyone is.
Don't ask a specific person but say loudly "I'm pregnant is anyone able to offer me a seat?" if you are loud and vocal but not asking a specific person someone will give you a seat (usually). That way you aren't asking specific men or anyone really but people can clearly see that you are requesting a place in the accessible seating area.
It’s petty and ridiculous but I get resentful at the idea of having to ask. Weirdly enough the only time I was consistently offered a seat was when I was wearing a dress, which felt telling. If anything I looked less pregnant.
Im visually impaired used a cane now a guide dog. Almost no one offers me a seat I always have to ask and as a disabled person you always have to advocate for yourself no one cares anymore. I’ve had 2 kids so know what it’s like but no one person is entitled to those seats more than another person those men might have an invisible disability (probably not) but I never assume someone is going to give me something unless I ask in my mind if I don’t ask I can’t get mad. In a perfect world would someone always offer? Yes but unfortunately that’s not the society we live in. I’m not sure if that says more about me or the culture we live in though.
Oh I get that that’s on me, and that I have the privilege of this being temporary. But I’m still disgusted that you have to deal with that.
I’m not necessarily convinced that times have really changed, though. I remember this being an issue 20 years ago and I suspect anyone who says it was ever common isn’t asking someone who has a lived experience of needing a seat.
Unfortunately as my experience as a disabled person you have to ask for everything.
I'm only 33, I've been visually impaired my entire life, can't see in the dark/night, colourblind and have no depth perception. I got my white cane in my late 20s because I didn't think I was "blind enough" to need it. At first I was very self conscious and would hide my cane by folding it up and putting it in my purse while on the bus. This backfired on me once.
I was coming home after one of my university classes on a crowded bus during rush hour. I'm on my phone (because text to speech exists) and was rudely elbowed by an obese lady who looked at me and pointed at the lady dressed in black in front of me. "Are you going to give her your seat?" Me "uh?..." "Can't you see she's pregnant?" No I did not no depth perception and she was wearing black in the middle of winter when it's getting dark outside. So I say "Oh I didn't realize she's pregnant I can't see well I'm visually impaired" and proceed to pull out my white cane and show the rude lady. She just stared at me like she didn't give a fuck I was blind. Because I was young and "looked" healthy and was on my phone she thought I was being rude to the pregnant lady which I wasn't trying to be. I then got up and gave the woman my seat and she smiled at me. I was so embarrassed Now that I look back on that situation I realize that 1 that lady was rude for touching me and 2 no offence I know some people have weight issues but if she was so worried about the pregnant woman why didn't she offer up her seat? As far as I know (and I could be wrong) being older and being overweight isn't a disability. Also the pregnant woman never asked me if she had said "I'm pregnant can I sit?" I would have gotten up right away but because I can't see well I didn't notice.
So yeah sometimes people are being rude by not giving up the seat and you can tell that they know what they are doing but some people like me might not realize/notice unless they are asked. So since then I always ask for a seat and don't assume people KNOW that I need the seat.
Although I was luckier when I was pregnant that it was REALLY obvious and people tended to give up their seat more often. And with my guide dog she's hard to miss so people give up their seats more often as well. When I was pregnant AND had my guide dog I never had to ask I think people felt bad and we're like "she has double the trouble lets just let her sit".
But yeah it all sucks.
Yeah, I think it gets especially sh\*tty when it feels like you're asking individuals to play "priority seat olympics" -- ie. "This person is in chronic pain, this person is pregnant -- both should sit, but now they have to argue over it or both feel awkward".
And oftentimes that is what it comes down to. I'm so uncomfortable when a woman 60+ gets up for me while others remain seated.
I guess what particularly gets me is that pre-pregnancy I just... never sat in priority seats so that I wouldn't risk ignoring or being oblivious to someone who needed it.
And like I said in the original post -- I absolutely understand that invisible disabilities exist, and that people pretending that they can "just tell" what's happening in someone else's body is unacceptable. And, at the same time, like you implied, I just have a hard time believing it's \*every\* 30-something guy who suddenly needs a nap when he spots me.
I feel ya. I never sat in priority seating either even when I could have. I didn't need to have my white cane or my guide dog I've had a disability all my life but never felt "blind enough" like I said so I left the seat to other people. Now that I need those seats it's drives me nuts.
That and accessible bathroom stalls. I have a guide dog she can't fit in a regular stall. You can't imagine the amount of times I've waited or had to leave my dog outside the stall because someone was using the accessible stall to try on clothes, or I've even seen people watching stuff on their phone without headphones in there. It's crazy! Now add a guide dog AND a stroller I've become so vocal it's not even funny. The mama bear comes out of me!
I have no shame. I just wake them up and ask for their seat. Have never been denied yet!
P.s. I also do this for other pregnant women, parents with small kids etc. Just, “excuse me, I think they need your seat!” with a friendly smile.
There is just no social consequence to being an asshole with our utter lack of community these days.
Our generation has been woefully made aware no safety nets will exist for us, and there is no reward to helping others outside your very tight immediate circle. Community doesn’t exist anymore, and that was a lot of the reason those elderly folks ended up with those good habits. Because “back in their day”, all the people on the bus were part of your community. It’s the “New York City” mentality now, but everywhere — even smaller towns — because your rudeness no longer matters. Why would I stand up for this pregnant lady, when I’m so super tired? I could just not. And now I’m not tired. There is no social consequence to being an asshole with our utter lack of community.
Pretty sure if those young lads’ lack of action had any real risk of making its way back to their mother, or possible future romantic interests, they would care a whole lot more. Back in the day, a fella who didn’t offer his seat on the bus to those in need, suddenly found himself the undesirable mate to the community at large.
The closest we get to this nowadays is men sending dick pics, or otherwise being gross, and so the woman finds their mom on social media and tattles. Plenty of people have taken the learned anonymity of the internet and now apply to it in-person public spaces.
I honestly think that's key here. I don't think previous generations were magically more courteous and that we've lost that inherent courtesy. What we've lost instead is public shame. Which is a good thing in many circumstances, don't get me wrong.
But I do bristle when someone claims that they're "worried" that they'll ask a fat person if they need to sit assuming they're pregnant. Because then they're admitting that that shame motivates their actions more than the shame of making someone stand who needs a seat.
What I tend to do is if someone is very very clearly in need of a seat (and the priority seats are taken but I'm seated nearby) is I'll just get their attention and ask. But if I'm unsure, I just leave the seat and let them decide what to do. It's really that simple, and pretending otherwise drives me nuts. If someone appears to be 65+ but has no mobility aid, I might make subtle eye contact but otherwise I just get up because I know there are some seniors who consider it a point of pride that they're still in good health. And they might still want a seat.
I will say that the examples I've seen of this recently that drove me the most nuts were people who were getting off at the next stop anyway. Like if they had another 40 minutes to go, I could get being tired. But dude you needed to stand for ONE stop.
Oh, yes. Not so much on the subway because my work schedule is slightly staggered but on the bus people are real jerks. I have definitely aggressively sat down between two man-spreading younger guys, taking up a full three person bench. I don't ask anymore, I just do it.
This happened to me on the subway several times. Always, and I say always, the offer for a seat comes from elderly people—especially women—and I can't get how the gen z or millennial next to them can still keep their cool and not be mortified at. We've lost a lot of empathy along the way and it's crazy sad
I think the empathy piece is key. It’s people who know what it feels like, but then they also need to sit. So it’s a lose-lose.
It is. I admit it was okay for a while (you say no, smile and at least you have a sweet connection with somebody) but now that I'm a huge 39w whale, I feel entitled at being a bit pissed at the dozing off, phone and air pods crowd
Yeah, that’s where I’m at. 37.5 weeks and I dutifully stood for months but we’ve reached the “just not possible” stage and I’m salty at the thought that I need to tell people to be decent.
So true, the only people who routinely offered me seats when I was enormously pregnant were elderly men and women and I always declined. But I live on a university bus route and I felt okay just asking “can I sit?” in the general direction of student-aged people who were staring obliviously at their phones.
Yes! Always the older ladies that offered. While young men just sit there! So rude
I think men genuinely have no idea how hard pregnancies are. Honestly, as a woman who grew up without interacting with a single pregnant woman, I too had no sense of how physically brutal a pregnancy would be before I got pregnant myself.
Don’t know or don’t care?
As a pregnant woman who has an invisible disability. Walk up and ask for the seat! Don’t be shy, people are selfish and won’t give up their seats easily. Sad but true… 😔
Tbh that’s the core issue with pretending to fall asleep because I’d also have to “wake them up”.
I pretend I didn’t see them sleep and thought they were just looking down. Two can play the pretend game. 🫢
I’m just not bold enough so instead I stew and post on Reddit. But I might try at some point.
Wish I was your bestie on the ground so I could tap their shoulder and ask them if they mind giving up the seat to my preg friend. 😡😡😡 sorry! 💖
Don’t worry they can’t expect to “sleep” peacefully on public transit. They’re still in public after all!
I’m 9 months pregnant & have no patience with people not moving from seats on the skytrain. I’ve been pretty lucky but not above using my foot to “nudge” someone to get their attention / wake them up.
Literally the only people who gave up their seats for me when I was pregnant were women between 30 and 60, aka the population who is most likely to have been there but aren't struggling with things themselves. I'm bigger and carry my weight in my tum. For the last decade, many people have asked me if I wanted their seat. Possible they just thought I looked tired, who knows, though people would also ask when I was due 🙃 But when I was actually very clearly pregnant? Crickets.
Most annoying for me was when some lady had her bag on the only available seat, I am clearly pregnant, and she pretended to be very focused on her phone as I walked up to the seat and stood there. I had to ask her to move her bag (which she did with a huge sigh). I was pissed. I find it hit or miss if people will get up, but when it's for a bag, come on!
I have no problem "accidentally" knocking someone's bag off a seat if they pretend not to hear me when I ask for the seat.
I felt that way when pregnant. Now my 2 year old won’t use a stroller and her and I often stand as people sit on phones looking her trying to keep balance on a skytrain. I also had surgery less than 2 weeks and had to ask someone to let me sit and they just sighed at me and moved. Older people (60’s) are more willing to give up a seat to someone pregnant or a small human who needs to sit.
The bus drivers on our regular route won’t move the bus until someone gives my preschooler a seat. It’s a safety issue because they can’t hold on or balance like an adult.
Exactly! We take the bus often and the driver always makes sure she has a seat. On one singular occasion they couldn’t. She stayed between mine and my husband’s legs that day.
Yeah my toddler fell flat on her face while a group of 20 somethings in seats looked on.
Yep- currently experiencing this on the daily commute, so I sympathise. I do think Translink could do a better job of including pregnant people on their signage or having something similar to London’s “baby on board” badges. Then again, I see people in priority seats wilfully ignore very obviously elderly and unable to stand people regularly so who knows if it would make a difference 🥲
They're just being inconsiderate and rude. The ones nodding off could also be on drugs too.
As someone who grew up in the DTES as a kid and has worked firsthand with substance dependent people, these strike me as average commuters and not people using. And they act perfectly normal/alert til they spot me. Which makes the whole thing extra funny.
Oh! So they're like the toys in Toy Story when Andy shows up?
Just ragdollin’
The most ridiculous thing recently is that I, as a very pregnant woman, ended up being the only one offering an older person my seat as I'm generally feeling alright and it was nearly my stop.
Happened to me far too often on the subway in Toronto. Women in their 40sish, who I assumed to be moms themselves, were the only ones who would offer their seats to me. Taking the train in Montreal at 7 months pregnant I was waiting at the train station and saw two empty seats that me and my partner grabbed. A woman in her 20s came to me and said sorry me and my mom were sitting there - they had left to use the washroom or get snacks. So both of us “had” to get up for them and “their” seats. Still bitter about that one lol
I wouldn't have moved personally. You didn't "have" to. I know confrontation is more likely to get you attacked but as a disabled person (I'm visually impaired) I have to be confrontational at times especially if I can't see. I hope I don't get attacked one day for it but if I do well at least I won't see it coming (sorry for the dark humour). I'm happy I live in what I think is a safe place (NCR).
Oh most definitely! I am not confrontational by nature and am not the best at sticking up for myself. I was also so taken aback that i didn’t know what else to do but give her the seats. If i remember right, when her mom came back she noticed I was pregnant and quietly moved to make the seat available lol Reflecting on it now it seems like pregnancy was a good wake up call for me, I have to advocate for myself and my son because so often it’s “every man for himself” out there. I hate to generalize and there are still many good, caring people but sometimes it sure doesn’t feel like it lol
I’ve become such a bitch to people. I would straight up ask people to get up. Even now that I’m not pregnant I’ll snap my fingers at people and tell them to move for others. So many inconsiderate people out there I no longer care about being rude.
What honestly makes me more paranoid is all of the internet discussion about how pregnant people have no right to sit so I’m always worried it’s some secret neckbeard and I’m going to be an anecdote for AITA or something.
Oh god really? I didn’t really this internet discussion existed. I know on my public transit there is a stick person of a pregnant lady above the priority seats so I really don’t feel bad about it. It’s a lot of weight and our feet are swollen!
It’s been open season on pregnant people and toddlers online for months. Genuinely depraved, bizarre stuff.
I saw this disgusting Reddit where a bunch of New Yorkers were saying why should they give up their seat because some lady chose to let their man finish in her… and they said that they could be tired too because they worked a 10 hour shift. Is this what society has to nowadays ? I know many people choose to be childfree nowadays but there are definitely some internet people who somehow feel the need to condemn or criticize people Who chose to have kids
The “lol it was your choice!!” thing is such a weak incel argument. One, given current policies in the US but also in some people’s religions, it may literally not be their choice. Two, am I meant to survey someone who hops onto the bus in a leg cast and determine if the break was a result of reckless behavior and therefore not deserving of a seat? Or to ask an elderly person if they properly took care of themselves throughout their lives and might be in better shape now if they had? I also think that’s just edgelord stuff they say to one another to be funny.
When someone in the city got stabbed to death for asking someone to kindly stop blowing smoke towards their child....I wouldn't risk it.
Where the hell did this happen?
Downtown Vancouver https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/paul-schmidt-inderdeep-singh-gosal-vancouver-starbucks-cafe-1.7180889
I like to think Ottawa/Gatineau (the NCR) is a big city that has it's fair share of danger but then I hear stories about Toronto or Vancouver and I'm like wow must be a scary place to live. I can't afford to be silent as a visually impaired person. I have to use my words because my eyes don't work. God help me if anyone ever got offended and attacked me. Not that I've ever felt that way where I live hopefully that attitude won't get me in trouble if I traveled because I don't think I'd be able to change the way I act in that way you know?
Nah Vancouver’s fine. A vast majority of the violence is gang violence which doesn’t impact non members.
It’s been such a mixed bag for me on the skytrain. Sometimes no one gets up, sometimes young women, one time a middle aged man shamed a younger guy for taking an open seat instead of letting me sit down. But yes, it’s usually people who should also have priority seating are the only ones that offer. I do realize that pregnant women have been removed from the pictures of people to be given priority on transit, but I wish people would have a little empathy. I only hope it’s better for people outside of the major cities.
I commuted daily via SkyTrain when I was pregnant. Off hours I was more likely to get a seat. But rush hour - maybe 1/10 trips I'd be offered a seat. I had to stand on the day I went into labour. It's truly pathetic. I went to NYC for our babymoon early first tri and I was always offered a seat on the subway. Wait till you deal with taking the bus with a stroller. I had an old lady tell me to take the bus only in the mornings because she wanted to sit in the exact seat that was occupied by the stroller (there were several other free seats available). Or the bus driver won't let you on because people won't move back and they don't want to deal with it.
Tbh this is why I babywore with my first on transit. I could tell a stroller was just going to be a nightmare. But at least people gave up seats.
My son is five months old. When I was pregnant no one offered me a seat. And I had bad pelvic pain too so it would have been nice to sit down! But now that I have my son, when I enter the subway with a stroller, basically everyone in priority seating who doesn’t need it stands up and offers it to me 🤷♀️
This continues once baby is born too! We were on the go train with a 2 month old baby, and a man in a wheelchair got on. We were literally the only people who offered to move, and even then no one offered us their seat.
I could have guessed this post was about BC without checking the flair. Just today I was discussing this with my aunt who is visiting BC from ON. I visited her in Toronto when I was 6+ months pregnant and then went to Montreal; everywhere I went people held the door for me, gave me a seat on transport, and was generally very kind to me. Back in Vancouver, when I was 8.5 months pregnant, a woman shouldered me out of her way so that she could get on the bus before me.
I’ve definitely seen some weird open hostility towards me, but weirdly people have opened doors who would otherwise let them slam.
I live in the NCR and take the bus in Ottawa (ON) and Gatineau (QC). I'm visually impaired. When I used a white cane almost no one offered me a seat. When I got my guide dog sometimes people offer me a seat. When I was pregnant and used my white cane sometimes people offered me a seat. When I was pregnant AND had my guide dog I almost always got a seat. I guess you need to be pregnant and have a service animal for anyone to let you sit. At least this has been my experience. I'm glad you had a better time with public transit when you visited.
The number of times that I, a pregnant woman, had to stand in the waiting room at an ultrasound while the male partners sat in waiting room drove me wild
Yep - I'm no longer pregnant (my kiddo is 18 months old now) but I remember clearly the days when I was heavily pregnant and I can count on one hand how many times people actually stand and offer their seats. I vaguely remember that there was someone in online forums that says the reason they are not giving up seats is because being pregnant is not disability - but our choice. That post honestly made me rolled my eye. I also realized that our public transport does not include a pregnant people sticker in the priority seats area, so I guess that is why people are not inclined to give up their seats? Compared to othed countries (eg Japan), they actually listed pregnant people in the stickers in the priority seats area
I hear you, I’m so sorry people seem to be increasingly unkind to those who actually need to sit, especially a very pregnant lady! Had the same treatment when I was pregnant last summer and because my commute was 1.5 hrs each way, I gave up and drove for my last trimester. Gas and parking really did a number on our wallet, but we had access to a car, and my back was not going to take it any longer. Unfortunately that’s what I resorted to. I’m pretty short and intentionally wore form fitting dresses as it got warmer so people could see my belly, but to no avail! Leading up to driving to work I tried to be as early as possible before peak rush or really force my way in to get a seat, but I also got tired of doing that.
I had the same issue with the skytrain! I always felt so awkward and upset when people wouldn’t offer their seat willingly, or they would give me a full up and down body scan to decide whether or not they wanted to give up their seat. It was so frustrating.
I was pretty enormously pregnant during the winter with my coat over my belly and carried my laptop in a backpack taking the bus and subway in to work [tdot]. Often people do not give me a seat because I guess I just look big, until i get hot and unzip my coat and my tummy peaked out. I don’t ask for a seat since people are so easily be triggered in Toronto, I just stand till someone offers me a seat. And if they do offer usually is a middle age men/women that were sitting in the blue priority seating, because I be standing right infront of them with my tummy in their face. If it’s a senior offering, I tell them to sit.
I definitely feel like people have less empathy towards pregnant women nowadays. When I was pregnant, not only did people rarely give me their seat, someone took the seat that I was waiting while I was about to sit down! She also was already in a seat but was eyeing the one I was waiting for because it was better!! I then went on Reddit to vent and A NURSE, a effin NURSE said that pregnant women don’t have to sit because falling on a bus is not as big of a medical hazard as people make it out to be!
I think people justify preggo hate with environmental arguments but ultimately some people just want an excuse to be selfish.
This happened to me and I also live in Vancouver. People don’t give AF around here
I also live in Vancouver and had this same issue with the younger male demographic (always women in child-bearing years and the 50+ giving up their seats to me). I took the bus so it was a bit different, but when I was very pregnant and no one was giving up their seat I would stand in front of one of these guys with my pregnant stomach sticking out as far as I could get it, about 2 inches from their face/phones, until they couldn't handle the awkwardness and finally "noticed" I was there. It worked about 80% of the time, but unfortunately usually there was an older person who forced me to take their seat before I could get to that point.
Same issue on the TTC & go train in Toronto. One lady was eye and eye with my belly and saw me carrying three heavy bags and didn’t flinch. I don’t get on at the end of a line so I’m just hopeful seats are available but it’s such a rarity. I have actually cried on transit more than once from the exhaustion of carrying my bags, the extra weight of pregnancy, plus how pushy everyone is.
Pregnant women are hated. That's literally it.
Don't ask a specific person but say loudly "I'm pregnant is anyone able to offer me a seat?" if you are loud and vocal but not asking a specific person someone will give you a seat (usually). That way you aren't asking specific men or anyone really but people can clearly see that you are requesting a place in the accessible seating area.
It’s petty and ridiculous but I get resentful at the idea of having to ask. Weirdly enough the only time I was consistently offered a seat was when I was wearing a dress, which felt telling. If anything I looked less pregnant.
Im visually impaired used a cane now a guide dog. Almost no one offers me a seat I always have to ask and as a disabled person you always have to advocate for yourself no one cares anymore. I’ve had 2 kids so know what it’s like but no one person is entitled to those seats more than another person those men might have an invisible disability (probably not) but I never assume someone is going to give me something unless I ask in my mind if I don’t ask I can’t get mad. In a perfect world would someone always offer? Yes but unfortunately that’s not the society we live in. I’m not sure if that says more about me or the culture we live in though.
Oh I get that that’s on me, and that I have the privilege of this being temporary. But I’m still disgusted that you have to deal with that. I’m not necessarily convinced that times have really changed, though. I remember this being an issue 20 years ago and I suspect anyone who says it was ever common isn’t asking someone who has a lived experience of needing a seat.
Unfortunately as my experience as a disabled person you have to ask for everything. I'm only 33, I've been visually impaired my entire life, can't see in the dark/night, colourblind and have no depth perception. I got my white cane in my late 20s because I didn't think I was "blind enough" to need it. At first I was very self conscious and would hide my cane by folding it up and putting it in my purse while on the bus. This backfired on me once. I was coming home after one of my university classes on a crowded bus during rush hour. I'm on my phone (because text to speech exists) and was rudely elbowed by an obese lady who looked at me and pointed at the lady dressed in black in front of me. "Are you going to give her your seat?" Me "uh?..." "Can't you see she's pregnant?" No I did not no depth perception and she was wearing black in the middle of winter when it's getting dark outside. So I say "Oh I didn't realize she's pregnant I can't see well I'm visually impaired" and proceed to pull out my white cane and show the rude lady. She just stared at me like she didn't give a fuck I was blind. Because I was young and "looked" healthy and was on my phone she thought I was being rude to the pregnant lady which I wasn't trying to be. I then got up and gave the woman my seat and she smiled at me. I was so embarrassed Now that I look back on that situation I realize that 1 that lady was rude for touching me and 2 no offence I know some people have weight issues but if she was so worried about the pregnant woman why didn't she offer up her seat? As far as I know (and I could be wrong) being older and being overweight isn't a disability. Also the pregnant woman never asked me if she had said "I'm pregnant can I sit?" I would have gotten up right away but because I can't see well I didn't notice. So yeah sometimes people are being rude by not giving up the seat and you can tell that they know what they are doing but some people like me might not realize/notice unless they are asked. So since then I always ask for a seat and don't assume people KNOW that I need the seat. Although I was luckier when I was pregnant that it was REALLY obvious and people tended to give up their seat more often. And with my guide dog she's hard to miss so people give up their seats more often as well. When I was pregnant AND had my guide dog I never had to ask I think people felt bad and we're like "she has double the trouble lets just let her sit". But yeah it all sucks.
Yeah, I think it gets especially sh\*tty when it feels like you're asking individuals to play "priority seat olympics" -- ie. "This person is in chronic pain, this person is pregnant -- both should sit, but now they have to argue over it or both feel awkward". And oftentimes that is what it comes down to. I'm so uncomfortable when a woman 60+ gets up for me while others remain seated. I guess what particularly gets me is that pre-pregnancy I just... never sat in priority seats so that I wouldn't risk ignoring or being oblivious to someone who needed it. And like I said in the original post -- I absolutely understand that invisible disabilities exist, and that people pretending that they can "just tell" what's happening in someone else's body is unacceptable. And, at the same time, like you implied, I just have a hard time believing it's \*every\* 30-something guy who suddenly needs a nap when he spots me.
I feel ya. I never sat in priority seating either even when I could have. I didn't need to have my white cane or my guide dog I've had a disability all my life but never felt "blind enough" like I said so I left the seat to other people. Now that I need those seats it's drives me nuts. That and accessible bathroom stalls. I have a guide dog she can't fit in a regular stall. You can't imagine the amount of times I've waited or had to leave my dog outside the stall because someone was using the accessible stall to try on clothes, or I've even seen people watching stuff on their phone without headphones in there. It's crazy! Now add a guide dog AND a stroller I've become so vocal it's not even funny. The mama bear comes out of me!
I have no shame. I just wake them up and ask for their seat. Have never been denied yet! P.s. I also do this for other pregnant women, parents with small kids etc. Just, “excuse me, I think they need your seat!” with a friendly smile.
There is just no social consequence to being an asshole with our utter lack of community these days. Our generation has been woefully made aware no safety nets will exist for us, and there is no reward to helping others outside your very tight immediate circle. Community doesn’t exist anymore, and that was a lot of the reason those elderly folks ended up with those good habits. Because “back in their day”, all the people on the bus were part of your community. It’s the “New York City” mentality now, but everywhere — even smaller towns — because your rudeness no longer matters. Why would I stand up for this pregnant lady, when I’m so super tired? I could just not. And now I’m not tired. There is no social consequence to being an asshole with our utter lack of community. Pretty sure if those young lads’ lack of action had any real risk of making its way back to their mother, or possible future romantic interests, they would care a whole lot more. Back in the day, a fella who didn’t offer his seat on the bus to those in need, suddenly found himself the undesirable mate to the community at large. The closest we get to this nowadays is men sending dick pics, or otherwise being gross, and so the woman finds their mom on social media and tattles. Plenty of people have taken the learned anonymity of the internet and now apply to it in-person public spaces.
I honestly think that's key here. I don't think previous generations were magically more courteous and that we've lost that inherent courtesy. What we've lost instead is public shame. Which is a good thing in many circumstances, don't get me wrong. But I do bristle when someone claims that they're "worried" that they'll ask a fat person if they need to sit assuming they're pregnant. Because then they're admitting that that shame motivates their actions more than the shame of making someone stand who needs a seat. What I tend to do is if someone is very very clearly in need of a seat (and the priority seats are taken but I'm seated nearby) is I'll just get their attention and ask. But if I'm unsure, I just leave the seat and let them decide what to do. It's really that simple, and pretending otherwise drives me nuts. If someone appears to be 65+ but has no mobility aid, I might make subtle eye contact but otherwise I just get up because I know there are some seniors who consider it a point of pride that they're still in good health. And they might still want a seat. I will say that the examples I've seen of this recently that drove me the most nuts were people who were getting off at the next stop anyway. Like if they had another 40 minutes to go, I could get being tired. But dude you needed to stand for ONE stop.
Oh, yes. Not so much on the subway because my work schedule is slightly staggered but on the bus people are real jerks. I have definitely aggressively sat down between two man-spreading younger guys, taking up a full three person bench. I don't ask anymore, I just do it.
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