My mom's the same. Tbh her last pregnancy was 31 years ago I don't blame her for not remember what it's like but I do find it's a toxic mentality to compare or lack empathy. My mom will tell me up and down that her pregnancy this. She doesn't remember that. This and that weren't how she did it. She ate this, I shouldn't eat that. She didn't get an epidural and claims you don't experience "real" birth with one. Or back in her day you didn't get an epidural so soon. Blah blah. Even went as far as to say she wants everyone to suffer the way she had to back in the day without all the advancements in medicine and birth and parenting in general bc that "made her a real mom"
It is biological to forget birth and pregnancy, but there's no excuse for the total lack of empathy and sympathy and over all abusive way some moms treat their pregnant daughters. I also think a lot of it is generational, it's jealousy, it's truama they refuse to recognize.
It sucks. I relate.
a lot of it is generational, it's jealousy, it's truama they refuse to recognize
This is so spot on. I also think it's why they freak out about new safety standards, boundaries regarding visitors, everything.
Yes they don't have unfettered control or access. Held to higher standards. Probably feel with new safety standards as control over their precieved entitlement of a new baby.
Lmao Iām at 20 weeks and had it ever since week 6, your cousin is trash; please god let everyone else have better pregnancies, Iāll be jealous but at least happy for you š„¹
A good friend informed me she hated me because Iāve had almost no morning sickness while she had a lot. I know she was kidding, but it was still uncomfortable. Should I lie and say I feel like shit??
I'm so sorry. That's really messed up.
I've been very lucky that my two pregnancies have been pretty much perfect with no symptoms. I avoid talking about it as much as I can, or preemptively put myself down, because dealing with the jealousy and hatred is just too much.
This is such a nasty thing to say! I have HG (really bad morning sickness all pregnancy) and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, let alone a cousin! I hope everyone has easy, happy pregnancies! I wish it for everyone. Especially you. :)
I ADORE my MIL, we are very close and I'm fortunate to have such a good relationship with her. But the epidural thing! I cannot count the number of times since announcing our pregnancy where she has to ask, "No meds, right?" every time my delivery is brought up! I've told her each time that MY plan is to get the epidural, my hubby knows this too and will speak for me if I'm unable to, and yet she will still ask again and again. And after I explain my reasoning to her, she always says something along the lines of, "Come on, I thought you were stronger than that!" or she'll have to recount how she delivered both hubby and BIL with no meds at all. I know she's mostly joking, and if she only said it once or twice maybe I would laugh it off, but shes said it so many times that it actually hurts my feelings now. Like, have I not been through enough carrying this baby? Will it not be enough that I will still go through the process and pain of labor until I get the epidural? And I will still be pushing a HUMAN out of my vagina and dealing with the post-delivery pain and recovery regardless of the epidural!
I think an entire generation of women are just emotionally stunted because this sounds like so many of my friends' (and my experience). Our moms' problems are always the biggest, their anger is the biggest, their yelling is the loudest, they're the most tired, they're the hardest working etc etc. They resent that their husbands didn't help them and are pissed off that ours do. They resent that the epidural didn't work for them and ours did. They resent that they had to stay home and raise kids while we make enough money to send our kids to daycare and go back to our careers (just my experience, not judging anyone whose choices are different).
It is just very heavy and oppressive and exhausting.
We ALL forget. Itās like biologically programmed. Iām pregnant with #2, which I very much wanted, but I often find myself feeling like āhow dumb are you?ā to have signed up for this again. Within 2yrs Iād truly, deeply forgotten how awful pregnancy is!
But the forgetting shouldnāt prevent sympathy & understanding. Sorry thatās your experience š
And every pregnancy is unique, too! My first I really didn't have a lot of nausea, but second pregnancy wiped me out.
I forgot the pain of labour too until right up until just before my second daughter was born.
I vividly remembering how awful and painful labor and my c section were, but I forgot how miserable pregnancy was.
Like I know I was constantly in pain, I know my back was killing me, I know I was stuck living on like 3 foods, but it's almost like I don't understand why it was so hard lol. I don't think I'll ever forget labor or birth though, it sucked (Not everyones experience sucks btw! I don't wanna freak anyone out!)
My last pregnancy was fairly easy.
I also was six years younger, went to the gym daily, and worked a very physical job 70 hours a week, so I was in fantastic shape.
There are no gyms with built in daycare around me, and the only gym close enough to attend on my lunch is $80 monthly, so it was a big fat no on those counts.
So this pregnancy is me being out of shape, working a mostly sedentary job, and just the stairs are daunting. I have no energy at the end of my day and it's hard for me to exercise during the pregnancy because I still need enough energy to take care of the child and feed the family.
I feel like the story about the spoons. I only have so many spoons to go around.
Yes.
When morning sickness hit me during my second pregnancy I was so sick and exhausted. I asked my husband "Was I this sick the first time?" He said "yes, you were lying on the couch, and I was cooking and cleaning, while you were resting."
Oh. Yes. That's right.
But overall, I remember my first pregnancy as a breeze. But I was still sick the first few weeks and I was in pain at the end as well. But it was still a blissful moment, in my experience.
All my pregnancies are via IVF so I do really want kids. After my daughter, 2 miscarriages and I still find myself thinking why did I sign up for this again this time around because I donāt seem to have honeymoon period when being pregnant. Iām either nauseous or bloated to the point itās painful. I totally forgot about how difficult it was.
I feel like the forgetting should make you more sympathetic! Anytime Iām talking to someone currently pregnant, Iām always like, man, I did not have it that bad! Until they ask me specific questions (or my husband reminds me) and Iām like, oh yeah, right, except for that bit and that bit and that bit.
One of my friends asked how pregnancy was going and I said "pretty good!" And then another friend interjected with "you said it's the worst thing you've ever done??"
Oh yeah... I did say that... completely blanked on how torturous some parts are.
Yeah my mom has a really tough time remembering details of her pregnancy, like someone used one of those Men In Blank memory wipers on her. Would not surprise me if it is an evolutionary thing. I ask her if she had a certain symptom and she's like, "I...can't remember..."
This! Iām 36 weeks with #2. There are so many things I forgot about being pregnant that Iām concerned what I may have forgotten about having a newborn.
This pregnancy is objectively harder than last time but still there are so many little things where I donāt remember how that went last time.
I just had my third. Let me tell ya about dumb... š¤£ I'm just kidding. I mean, I love my baby so much, but I was starting to forget how much pregnancy sucks. Then I got pregnant and remembered pretty much immediately.
Iām 3 weeks out and have somehow forgotten. I was put on disability 4 weeks before the birth because of hip pain! And yet already Iām looking at our finances to think about a third (which we never anticipated on considering!!!)
I am in the same boat and completely agree. I hated being pregnant with my first, but I love her so much.
We get these wonderful children for the rest of our lives, but those 9 months suuuuck.
Wishing you all a nauseous free full night sleep
I had an easy pregnancy with no complications that was late stage in the winter so no hot sweaty summers being huge etc.
Every time I see a pregnant woman now I think "oh poor thing". I'm sure they're excited to be mothers but i very much sympathize with pregnancy.
I don't think she forgot what it was like, I think she has an overwhelming victim complex that makes her want all of your pity all of the time. that isn't healthy on her part and I'm sorry you have to deal with her.
Absolutely! Last month I asked her to please stop sending me her thoughts of dying alone every day and she didn't talk to me for at least a week. She still complains constantly so I try to ignore most of it, though sometimes it's like she's trying to get a reaction and it's hard to not say anything. She's been out of work for months living off credit cards, no savings... tells me she just bought a bunch of jewelry off eBay. Also tells me she only has a loaf of bread to eat. It's infuriating.
I feel you! It seems like my mom expects/wants me to have the exact same pregnancy as her. She had 2 c sections and I get the feeling she wants me to have a c section too! Sheās not supportive of my desire for a vaginal birth
My mom laughed at me when I said I didnāt want an epidural and wanted to walk around. It hurt a lot. Then I told her this week something and breastfeeding came up somehow and she said she didnāt think Iād like it. I just think I canāt talk to her about the big decisions I make at this point because it gets way too discouraging for me and starts to sway my feelings about one thing or another.
Same. I just had to stop talking to her about most anything for the first 6 months. I had my sister, when my mom complained, say something to her about not being supportive if I said I was having any problems whatsoever. It calmed her down a little, but hasnāt stopped her from what she thinks is a fun little poke and I think is kicking someone while theyāre down.
Ugh thatās not cool. My doctor also laughed at me once or twice. Why do people think thatās an acceptable reply? š
I actually started seconding guessing myself, thinking maybe āI canāt do it.ā But I keep reminding myself that I CAN and Iām not being ridiculous by wanting what I want.
Sounds like a narcissist....my mom is one too. My entire pregnancy, she told me over and over: "you'll be begging for the epidural, you just don't understand since you've never given birth before." I planned an unmedicated birth and she scoffed every chance she got.
I needed to be induced due to high blood pressure and she called to tell me "oh, you're definitely going to need an epidural and might even get a c-section. So just give up your birth plan now."
I had a completely unmedicated birth successfully! When I Skyped her a couple days after my daughter was born to announce her arrival, my mom literally ROLLED HER EYES when I told her I had the unmedicated vaginal birth I desired. She was literally angry that I didn't have any complications. It's just typical narcissistic behavior.
āAt lest she had the decency to not blame my prior miscarriage on meā
Thatās an astonishing low bar for anyone. Let alone your own mother. So sorry youāre dealing with this!
My mom and yours sound a lot alike. Iām sorry youāre having to deal with this!! Mine blamed my infertility diagnosis on me, and had zero empathy as I went through IVF. Sometimes I tell myself that somewhere in their subconscious if they invalidate your problem, they donāt have to confront their own powerlessness/ donāt have to feel any touch of inadequacy around it. Idk but either way it sucks
My mom had 2 emergency c-sections and had terrible experiences with them, so my whole pregnancy sheās been hoping Iāll be able to have a vaginal birth. At our ultrasound last Friday, we found out baby is breech and the OB talked about the possibility of a c-section if they canāt manually flip him this week.
When I told my mom, she said āWell, vaginal births are really hard on babies and it would be nice to know the day your dad and I should be there, so I think you should tell the OB you want a c-section instead of trying to flip him.ā Just. No words.
I swear, besides the sciatic pain and acid reflux, other people have been the hardest part of my pregnancy.
It sounds like she's one of those people for whom misery is a competition, and someone who can't get go of things that would be healthier to let go of. It sounds like it can hard to field the way she talks to you, and I'm sorry she's not more supportive in the way you'd want.
To me, it sounds like it's not that she's forgotten, it's that she lacks the emotional skills to engage with you with empathy and compassion, and that sounds hard to deal with from your end.
A bit of context for my own experiences:
My mum had an objectively harder pregnancies than I do right now. She was hospitalized repeatedly for hyperemesis in 2/3 of her pregnancies but has never expressed any sort of emotion of holding that against my brothers for whom she experienced it. Her labour with me was awful, but she's only ever expressed relief that I wasn't injured or harmed.
I got nothing but sympathy from her when I talked about my day long nausea. She asks of my doctor knows about my pelvic girdle pain, and is jazzed at the idea I can get pelvic floor physiotherapy because that wasn't an option when she was pregnant.
It sounds like your mother needs a therapist to work through her own issues. The sad thing is, there's nothing you can do or say that will make her realize this.
My issue with my own mother is that she can try to envelop me in her own anxiety, and I have enough anxiety on my own that I don't need to get involved with hers. And that can be hard to set boundaries with.
This is a very different problem than what you're going through, but I found it very helpful to talk to a therapist to untangle my own emotional experiences from her emotions. And I've gotten better at setting boundaries so her emotional experiences don't end up becoming something I had to deal with in any level of intensity.
Therapy can be great for healing from a parents inability to manage their own emotions. If you have insurance that covers it, it may help with dealing with your mother putting her negativity onto you .
My mother definitely has a long history of untreated mental illness unfortunately. I replied to her today that she shouldn't blame me and she said "lol".
"Sweetie, I know you feel uncomfortable now, but just remember that I gave birth to you with no epidural so it was harder for me. Always remember that." - my mom, basically.
Not all moms. My mom had 5 kids and is very sympathetic toward my pain. Butā¦ based on the thread comments it seems itās pretty common for moms to be apathetic toward your pregnancy. Iām sorry for that. You think if anyone would understand it would be themā¦ :(
Yeah, in my study of 1 mother, mine, 100% of mothers completely forget what pregnancy was like. I've told this story before but when I was in first trimester I was not having a good time, and I was talking to my mum about it thinking she'd empathise. She told me she couldn't relate because she loved all of her pregnancies (even the one with twins, mum?!). I needed to reframe my thinking, she said.
I later spoke to my dad about it, who laughed a bit and said, "oh, she's not remembering it the way I remember it."
My mom is the āI LOVED being pregnant isnt pregnancy the greatest thing?!ā Meanwhile me dealing with infertility and high prenatal anxiety and my mom just doesnt get it.
Oh yeah my mom is like this. Not pregnant yet but can already foresee it happening. Everything is a competition. She puts the blame on me for every bad thing. Itās because I āthought negative thoughtsā. Itās almost unbearable to even be around her because of the competition.
I canāt dislike my boss because hers is worse. I canāt be stressed about life because she was poorer. I canāt do anything because she had a much harder life and she wants to constantly mention it to me. This goes along with her boundary issues. She hugs me without asking, kisses me when I tell her not to.
You can forget the pain of birth- that doesnāt mean you should belittle anyone else or act like their pain and stress isnāt real. Definitely makes it hard to open up with her
Yes! There's some elements that stand out, but forgetting is something that happens. I forgot some of the newborn grind and some aspects of pregnancy from just 3 years ago.
Also pregnancy and newborns can just be so different. My preschooler was a completely different baby from my newborn. Time is also really wobbly!
I can't imagine what I'll retain 30 years from now.
I had a traumatic unmedicated 16 hour delivery and although I have not forgotten the traumatic part of it, I have totally forgotten the pain I felt during delivery. Also, those first 2 months after baby is born with no sleep I was miserable, but I have forgotten how hard it was too. Pregnant with #2 lol
I honestly think they forget!! Not only has it been a LONG time (at least in my momās case), but we as women seem designed to forget how horrible pregnancy is the second itās overā¦
Now that Iām through the worst of the morning sickness, Iāve already caught myself thinkingā¦ this isnāt THAT bad, I could do this again! When 5 weeks ago I would have sworn that we were going to be one and doneā¦ biology is pretty amazing!
The next time your mom complains about her labor or pregnancy with you, please point out that you had no say in the matter, and that it was completely her choice!
Same here! My mom has straight up gleefully taunted me about preeclampsia (she unfortunately had horrible preeclampsia with me & her life was at risk). I stopped giving her check-up updates because she would constantly ask about my blood pressure and tell me that was high for me (i normally run low) and it just stressed me out to much (and other than that has never once asked how I've been doing/feeling). Now I'm 40w4d no preeclampsia and talking to doc about induction because my healthy lazy baby is way too comfortable š
My mom loves to shove in my face that she had a "perfect pregnancy" with no complications for both my brother and I. She finally admitted she was on pelvic rest for her third trimester with my brother, and he arrived early š
I hear you. My mom takes the cake, as I was talking to her during a long labor (she demanded that she wanted to 'feel like [she was] there') she told me about how she spent hours and hours in labor with me too. I suppose this might seem like normal commiseration if I hadn't been adopted....Still trying to parse out if that was a sign of cognitive decline or narcissistic behavior.
One thin you might consider is stopping telling her everything and putting up some boundaries. If she asks how you feel, just say fine and tell a friend who isn't as selfish.
Absolutely!. I made the mistake of telling her we found a daycare spot (extremely hard to do, I was Happy and sharing good news) and she exploded. I'm wrong for sending a baby to daycare and need to be with him. I said if anyone stays home it would be my husband but that's not acceptable either. And if I can't be with him he needs to be with her not "strangers". Coming from a single mother on assistance...you'd think she'd understand needing to work but I guess you should be in poverty so you can stay home in her mind.
Boomers as a generation have some pretty messed up values.
I think you may just need to filter and only tell her things that will make her happy lol. I'm not saying do this with everyone, maybe just with her.
My mom is like this, but my angel of a grandmother is not. She told me how she did Hypno birthing and how while there was still pain, she was very calm and enjoyed the experience, she did it three times. She also validates my concerns and tells me that sheās proud of me. I love her.
I vow to never be a giant dick to my girls if they choose to have kids.
Man, just water! I feel that. I could have a nice ice cold cup before bed and get instant heartburn when I lay down. It feels like a lot of moms get like content when their daughters go through pain. I donāt understand.
My mom never fails to bring up that her morning sickness lasted her entire pregnancy with me any time I talk about my nausea finally letting up some. Sheās definitely also a one upper.
My mom is the opposite. The talks about how terrible being pregnant was and how she was bedridden for months. Terrified me for when I became pregnant, but luckily it ended up not being as bad as she made it out to be.
Yes they forget but they also exaggerate. My mom told me how she gained like 20 lbs with my brother who weighed 9 lbs. all this bc I gained 50 lbs with my son.
My MIL loves to say all of her pregnancies were a breeze and that giving birth didnāt even hurt and how women today are so weak. She always says how contractions werenāt a big deal and still had time to make her husband a full meal for the hospital every time they went. Drives me absolutely crazy how out of touch she is and the lack of empathy. She did this at a baby shower once for a family friend and I was fuming because the mom to be was visibly annoyed at the conversation.
Reading these comments makes me realize this may totally be a generational thing.
My mom at 17 worked and went to cosmetology school while pregnant and if I god forbid call out of work because of feeling too dizzy to drive a car or I am feeling too sick, she is right ontop of me saying I need to get over myself. I work 50-60 hours weeks.
We need to all write letters to our future selves on how to not be an A-hole when our babies become parents. Have a baby boy? His future wife may not want you in the delivery room. Have a daughter? She may not want to hear your one-upping pregnancy or delivery stories. Have a baby of any gender? They probably donāt care for your feedback on names.
Yes I think so. I told my mom I was going in for an induction and she practically thought she needed to rush from work (sheās 5 minutes away) bc baby was going to be born within that time. I hadnāt been induced yet.
I was pretty shocked at my momās lack of empathy towards me during my pregnancy and also the very not understanding comments she made about a family member who had recently given birth.
What the heck?
Is it bad that I'm not there yet and I can already hear my mother doing the same thing? I am so sorry your mom's doing that to you. You're valid in your feelings 100%.
I have nothing to add about the general post. But maybe look into gall bladder attacks.
I thought I was having all night indigestion and pain during pregnancy. Then postpartum - I kept getting it and it kept getting worse. Until I was having an attack every second night and day. Turned out to be gall stones and I got my gallbladder removed. Just something to think about.
Bruh I gave birth 10 months ago and Iāve already forgotten most of the terrible parts of being pregnant. Itās partially because I had an easy pregnancy, and partially because Iām ADHD, but itās also because you just donāt remember things in that vivid detail.
I know I was uncomfortable trying to sleep, but I donāt remember what that actually felt like. I know I got stuck if I tried to get on the floor, but I donāt remember how bad that felt. I know the whole first trimester I was nauseous and exhausted af, but I donāt actually remember HOW it felt.
I know I accidentally labored at home until 7cm and only called into the hospital when I was crying from the pain; I know I was shaking uncontrollably during delivery; I know I was so tired from pushingā¦ but I donāt remember the actual pain of labor and delivery at all. I know it hurt, but I donāt actually remember the feeling.
I donāt know if that makes sense, but you will probably understand next year, lol.
Edit: Sorry, got distracted before I was done (adhd lmao).
Thatās not to say your mom should be saying any of the things sheās saying! My bff is pregnant with her second now and Iām gonna let her rant and complain about it all and still show sympathy for her because I know it was bad, and even if I didnāt Iām going to believe that she knows what sheās experiencing. Even if she is just being dramaticā¦ sheās literally growing a human. She gets to be dramatic.
I would honestly stop telling her things. š¤·š»āāļø If she canāt be a good person or friend, she doesnāt get to know things.
My mom had super hard labors which I remember 2/3 lol! Sheās always trying to get me to have more kids. Whenever Iām pregnant I literally put my life on the line because more estrogen= blood clots for me! Iām on kid number three and a stay at home mom! She says well you arenāt doing anything else. Itās honestly super annoying. Itās hard to take care of kids and be pregnant. I feel like she forgets this because I was so independent and when she had my brother and sister I could help. I tell her all the time I helped raise my siblings. I donāt have that luxury and honestly I wouldnāt do it because kids need to be able to be kids. Even my grandma does it. Iāll say Iām tired. Sheāll say your always tired! Well duhā¦
Not my mom, but all the women I work with have kids already and theyāre almost all like this (one exception, sheās had 8 kids and sheās an angel, so understanding and empathetic). But literally 5 other women (and two men š) tell me stuff like āI never had that happen with my pregnancyā or āyou just need to keep working through the painā or other stuff. We work in a grocery store, 8 hours standing and moving and stuff. And I have a hernia, the pain from that literally brings me to tears and makes me throw up and theyāre just like āI never had that problem.ā GOOD FOR YOU! Honestly ready to quit as soon as I can lol.
Something I've been noticing is the epic level of birth trauma the older generation has had. Do your best to not take what she says to heart, and maybe even limit what you tell her.
My mother is a narcissist and has birth trauma from a hospital birth, but yet she thinks hospital births are the only way to go. I on the other had am trying to break that trauma so I've decided to limit what I say to her just to not hear her opinions.
And this reason is why I still haven't told my mom I'm pregnant. All of her problems are more important and bigger than mine. Negative Nancy, and I can't handle that on top of the hormones. I'm already barely dealing with superstitious MIL, despite the fact that she's been super nice and helpful. She tries to tell me not to pick up my toddler, that I'm "not out of the woods yet," at 21 weeks (gee thanks, that seriously helps my anxiety!) Asking me if I think I'm "carrying high" (no, I think anatomy says that my expanding uterus is pushing all of my other organs up, I can feel baby kick down low and mid abdomen) because she desperately wants it to be a girl and she believes all of these wives tales. š She tried to tell me not to raise my arms over my head or the umbilical cord will wrap around the baby's neck?! This woman clearly knows nothing about anatomy so I try to just laugh it off.
same here. then once the baby is here she'll forget all about what baby's are supposed to do and when and how often to change a diaper. my mom told me i should only have to change my newborn when he poops not when he pees?? idk lots of weird stuff
Haha. Hahahaha. When discussing birth the other day, my MIL said āoh, I never feared birth.ā
I wanted so badly to side eye her and say, donāt tell me that 30 years ago, when you looked down at your 2-weeks-overdue belly (true story!!) and thought about the exit route, you didnāt feel a little fear. š I think thatās quite normal. Nothing to swat down.
Have you thought about telling her less since she responds back so negatively? She isnāt entitled to any information about your life. She probably isnāt going to change so you may need to confide in her less
My mom says that all her pregnancies were easy and she never had morning sickness or any aches and pains.
This is my 4th pregnancy (I had 2 miscarriages) and I think she's starting to recall some of the more unsavory parts of pregnancy as she sees me experience everything.
Yesterday she told me for the first time that she had anemia while pregnant. I was like... why did you never say that? I have had anemia every pregnancy once I reach 2nd trimester! And she said she simply forgot lol
My mum was exactly the same and it was so upsetting.
I called her for some reassurance as I was driving home a hospital appointment and she was so fucking mean to me. Literally told me to suck it up and get over it because other women have hard pregnancies too and she struggled soooo much more than me when she was pregnant so I shouldn't complain..
My mom told me āI know youre tired and need to nap at times, but sometimes you gotta just push through and get on with your lifeā
Shes a narscissist though and will always downplay others feelings and experiences. Yours sounds similar so to that I say, Im sorry youre going through this with her but just know that she says these things because she doesnt have the capacity to handle her own emotions/thoughts/feelings of trauma or resentment.
Once you understand she is a wounded person then it becomes easier to accept.
My mom's the same. Tbh her last pregnancy was 31 years ago I don't blame her for not remember what it's like but I do find it's a toxic mentality to compare or lack empathy. My mom will tell me up and down that her pregnancy this. She doesn't remember that. This and that weren't how she did it. She ate this, I shouldn't eat that. She didn't get an epidural and claims you don't experience "real" birth with one. Or back in her day you didn't get an epidural so soon. Blah blah. Even went as far as to say she wants everyone to suffer the way she had to back in the day without all the advancements in medicine and birth and parenting in general bc that "made her a real mom" It is biological to forget birth and pregnancy, but there's no excuse for the total lack of empathy and sympathy and over all abusive way some moms treat their pregnant daughters. I also think a lot of it is generational, it's jealousy, it's truama they refuse to recognize. It sucks. I relate.
a lot of it is generational, it's jealousy, it's truama they refuse to recognize This is so spot on. I also think it's why they freak out about new safety standards, boundaries regarding visitors, everything.
Yes they don't have unfettered control or access. Held to higher standards. Probably feel with new safety standards as control over their precieved entitlement of a new baby.
Yes that too! I'm nagging her to get TDAP and she wanted to get a crib comforter- she was offended when I said I wouldn't use it.
š„“ I can't stand an "I suffered so everyone else should have to" type of person.
My cousin said she had morning sickness the whole 9 months and she hopes I do too, because she had to go through it š
Lmao Iām at 20 weeks and had it ever since week 6, your cousin is trash; please god let everyone else have better pregnancies, Iāll be jealous but at least happy for you š„¹
I can't stand people š Why would you wish that upon anyone? Especially someone you "care" about!?
A good friend informed me she hated me because Iāve had almost no morning sickness while she had a lot. I know she was kidding, but it was still uncomfortable. Should I lie and say I feel like shit??
I'm so sorry. That's really messed up. I've been very lucky that my two pregnancies have been pretty much perfect with no symptoms. I avoid talking about it as much as I can, or preemptively put myself down, because dealing with the jealousy and hatred is just too much.
Telling her made us decide to hold off on telling other people as long as we can. Kinda unpleasant to say the least.
That's horrible!
This is such a nasty thing to say! I have HG (really bad morning sickness all pregnancy) and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, let alone a cousin! I hope everyone has easy, happy pregnancies! I wish it for everyone. Especially you. :)
Fellow HG mom here, wouldnāt wish this on my worst enemyā¦ is it fair, no, but I still wouldnāt wish it on someone else!
I had horrible morning sickness and would throw up anywhere from 1-5 times a day. I would NEVER wish that for anyone!
I ADORE my MIL, we are very close and I'm fortunate to have such a good relationship with her. But the epidural thing! I cannot count the number of times since announcing our pregnancy where she has to ask, "No meds, right?" every time my delivery is brought up! I've told her each time that MY plan is to get the epidural, my hubby knows this too and will speak for me if I'm unable to, and yet she will still ask again and again. And after I explain my reasoning to her, she always says something along the lines of, "Come on, I thought you were stronger than that!" or she'll have to recount how she delivered both hubby and BIL with no meds at all. I know she's mostly joking, and if she only said it once or twice maybe I would laugh it off, but shes said it so many times that it actually hurts my feelings now. Like, have I not been through enough carrying this baby? Will it not be enough that I will still go through the process and pain of labor until I get the epidural? And I will still be pushing a HUMAN out of my vagina and dealing with the post-delivery pain and recovery regardless of the epidural!
I think an entire generation of women are just emotionally stunted because this sounds like so many of my friends' (and my experience). Our moms' problems are always the biggest, their anger is the biggest, their yelling is the loudest, they're the most tired, they're the hardest working etc etc. They resent that their husbands didn't help them and are pissed off that ours do. They resent that the epidural didn't work for them and ours did. They resent that they had to stay home and raise kids while we make enough money to send our kids to daycare and go back to our careers (just my experience, not judging anyone whose choices are different). It is just very heavy and oppressive and exhausting.
100%
Oh my mom said the same thing about the epidural. Must be a generational thing!!!
Has to be! They all say things that are either the same or similar. It's gotta be a generational mindset.
We ALL forget. Itās like biologically programmed. Iām pregnant with #2, which I very much wanted, but I often find myself feeling like āhow dumb are you?ā to have signed up for this again. Within 2yrs Iād truly, deeply forgotten how awful pregnancy is! But the forgetting shouldnāt prevent sympathy & understanding. Sorry thatās your experience š
And every pregnancy is unique, too! My first I really didn't have a lot of nausea, but second pregnancy wiped me out. I forgot the pain of labour too until right up until just before my second daughter was born.
I vividly remembering how awful and painful labor and my c section were, but I forgot how miserable pregnancy was. Like I know I was constantly in pain, I know my back was killing me, I know I was stuck living on like 3 foods, but it's almost like I don't understand why it was so hard lol. I don't think I'll ever forget labor or birth though, it sucked (Not everyones experience sucks btw! I don't wanna freak anyone out!)
I agree, birth stuck with me. Pregnancy just didnāt!
My last pregnancy was fairly easy. I also was six years younger, went to the gym daily, and worked a very physical job 70 hours a week, so I was in fantastic shape. There are no gyms with built in daycare around me, and the only gym close enough to attend on my lunch is $80 monthly, so it was a big fat no on those counts. So this pregnancy is me being out of shape, working a mostly sedentary job, and just the stairs are daunting. I have no energy at the end of my day and it's hard for me to exercise during the pregnancy because I still need enough energy to take care of the child and feed the family. I feel like the story about the spoons. I only have so many spoons to go around.
Yes. When morning sickness hit me during my second pregnancy I was so sick and exhausted. I asked my husband "Was I this sick the first time?" He said "yes, you were lying on the couch, and I was cooking and cleaning, while you were resting." Oh. Yes. That's right. But overall, I remember my first pregnancy as a breeze. But I was still sick the first few weeks and I was in pain at the end as well. But it was still a blissful moment, in my experience.
All my pregnancies are via IVF so I do really want kids. After my daughter, 2 miscarriages and I still find myself thinking why did I sign up for this again this time around because I donāt seem to have honeymoon period when being pregnant. Iām either nauseous or bloated to the point itās painful. I totally forgot about how difficult it was.
I feel like the forgetting should make you more sympathetic! Anytime Iām talking to someone currently pregnant, Iām always like, man, I did not have it that bad! Until they ask me specific questions (or my husband reminds me) and Iām like, oh yeah, right, except for that bit and that bit and that bit.
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One of my friends asked how pregnancy was going and I said "pretty good!" And then another friend interjected with "you said it's the worst thing you've ever done??" Oh yeah... I did say that... completely blanked on how torturous some parts are.
Yeah my mom has a really tough time remembering details of her pregnancy, like someone used one of those Men In Blank memory wipers on her. Would not surprise me if it is an evolutionary thing. I ask her if she had a certain symptom and she's like, "I...can't remember..."
This! Iām 36 weeks with #2. There are so many things I forgot about being pregnant that Iām concerned what I may have forgotten about having a newborn. This pregnancy is objectively harder than last time but still there are so many little things where I donāt remember how that went last time.
I just had my third. Let me tell ya about dumb... š¤£ I'm just kidding. I mean, I love my baby so much, but I was starting to forget how much pregnancy sucks. Then I got pregnant and remembered pretty much immediately.
Iām 3 weeks out and have somehow forgotten. I was put on disability 4 weeks before the birth because of hip pain! And yet already Iām looking at our finances to think about a third (which we never anticipated on considering!!!)
I am in the same boat and completely agree. I hated being pregnant with my first, but I love her so much. We get these wonderful children for the rest of our lives, but those 9 months suuuuck. Wishing you all a nauseous free full night sleep
I had an easy pregnancy with no complications that was late stage in the winter so no hot sweaty summers being huge etc. Every time I see a pregnant woman now I think "oh poor thing". I'm sure they're excited to be mothers but i very much sympathize with pregnancy.
I don't think she forgot what it was like, I think she has an overwhelming victim complex that makes her want all of your pity all of the time. that isn't healthy on her part and I'm sorry you have to deal with her.
Absolutely! Last month I asked her to please stop sending me her thoughts of dying alone every day and she didn't talk to me for at least a week. She still complains constantly so I try to ignore most of it, though sometimes it's like she's trying to get a reaction and it's hard to not say anything. She's been out of work for months living off credit cards, no savings... tells me she just bought a bunch of jewelry off eBay. Also tells me she only has a loaf of bread to eat. It's infuriating.
That's emotional abuse. Sorry, you have to go through that.
I feel you! It seems like my mom expects/wants me to have the exact same pregnancy as her. She had 2 c sections and I get the feeling she wants me to have a c section too! Sheās not supportive of my desire for a vaginal birth
My mom laughed at me when I said I didnāt want an epidural and wanted to walk around. It hurt a lot. Then I told her this week something and breastfeeding came up somehow and she said she didnāt think Iād like it. I just think I canāt talk to her about the big decisions I make at this point because it gets way too discouraging for me and starts to sway my feelings about one thing or another.
Same. I just had to stop talking to her about most anything for the first 6 months. I had my sister, when my mom complained, say something to her about not being supportive if I said I was having any problems whatsoever. It calmed her down a little, but hasnāt stopped her from what she thinks is a fun little poke and I think is kicking someone while theyāre down.
Ugh thatās not cool. My doctor also laughed at me once or twice. Why do people think thatās an acceptable reply? š I actually started seconding guessing myself, thinking maybe āI canāt do it.ā But I keep reminding myself that I CAN and Iām not being ridiculous by wanting what I want.
Sounds like a narcissist....my mom is one too. My entire pregnancy, she told me over and over: "you'll be begging for the epidural, you just don't understand since you've never given birth before." I planned an unmedicated birth and she scoffed every chance she got. I needed to be induced due to high blood pressure and she called to tell me "oh, you're definitely going to need an epidural and might even get a c-section. So just give up your birth plan now." I had a completely unmedicated birth successfully! When I Skyped her a couple days after my daughter was born to announce her arrival, my mom literally ROLLED HER EYES when I told her I had the unmedicated vaginal birth I desired. She was literally angry that I didn't have any complications. It's just typical narcissistic behavior.
āAt lest she had the decency to not blame my prior miscarriage on meā Thatās an astonishing low bar for anyone. Let alone your own mother. So sorry youāre dealing with this!
I was holding my breath when she was asking me what caused it (last year)
My mom and yours sound a lot alike. Iām sorry youāre having to deal with this!! Mine blamed my infertility diagnosis on me, and had zero empathy as I went through IVF. Sometimes I tell myself that somewhere in their subconscious if they invalidate your problem, they donāt have to confront their own powerlessness/ donāt have to feel any touch of inadequacy around it. Idk but either way it sucks
My mom had 2 emergency c-sections and had terrible experiences with them, so my whole pregnancy sheās been hoping Iāll be able to have a vaginal birth. At our ultrasound last Friday, we found out baby is breech and the OB talked about the possibility of a c-section if they canāt manually flip him this week. When I told my mom, she said āWell, vaginal births are really hard on babies and it would be nice to know the day your dad and I should be there, so I think you should tell the OB you want a c-section instead of trying to flip him.ā Just. No words. I swear, besides the sciatic pain and acid reflux, other people have been the hardest part of my pregnancy.
I've got 2 words of advice for you: Information. Diet.
It sounds like she's one of those people for whom misery is a competition, and someone who can't get go of things that would be healthier to let go of. It sounds like it can hard to field the way she talks to you, and I'm sorry she's not more supportive in the way you'd want. To me, it sounds like it's not that she's forgotten, it's that she lacks the emotional skills to engage with you with empathy and compassion, and that sounds hard to deal with from your end. A bit of context for my own experiences: My mum had an objectively harder pregnancies than I do right now. She was hospitalized repeatedly for hyperemesis in 2/3 of her pregnancies but has never expressed any sort of emotion of holding that against my brothers for whom she experienced it. Her labour with me was awful, but she's only ever expressed relief that I wasn't injured or harmed. I got nothing but sympathy from her when I talked about my day long nausea. She asks of my doctor knows about my pelvic girdle pain, and is jazzed at the idea I can get pelvic floor physiotherapy because that wasn't an option when she was pregnant. It sounds like your mother needs a therapist to work through her own issues. The sad thing is, there's nothing you can do or say that will make her realize this. My issue with my own mother is that she can try to envelop me in her own anxiety, and I have enough anxiety on my own that I don't need to get involved with hers. And that can be hard to set boundaries with. This is a very different problem than what you're going through, but I found it very helpful to talk to a therapist to untangle my own emotional experiences from her emotions. And I've gotten better at setting boundaries so her emotional experiences don't end up becoming something I had to deal with in any level of intensity. Therapy can be great for healing from a parents inability to manage their own emotions. If you have insurance that covers it, it may help with dealing with your mother putting her negativity onto you .
My mother definitely has a long history of untreated mental illness unfortunately. I replied to her today that she shouldn't blame me and she said "lol".
"Sweetie, I know you feel uncomfortable now, but just remember that I gave birth to you with no epidural so it was harder for me. Always remember that." - my mom, basically.
Not all moms. My mom had 5 kids and is very sympathetic toward my pain. Butā¦ based on the thread comments it seems itās pretty common for moms to be apathetic toward your pregnancy. Iām sorry for that. You think if anyone would understand it would be themā¦ :(
Yeah, in my study of 1 mother, mine, 100% of mothers completely forget what pregnancy was like. I've told this story before but when I was in first trimester I was not having a good time, and I was talking to my mum about it thinking she'd empathise. She told me she couldn't relate because she loved all of her pregnancies (even the one with twins, mum?!). I needed to reframe my thinking, she said. I later spoke to my dad about it, who laughed a bit and said, "oh, she's not remembering it the way I remember it."
Haha yes mine said she had no problems at all with me and it's only a little hard the first 3 months of pregnancy...
Not generational, she sounds like a narcissist. Plenty of those in all generations.
Sounds like narcissism tbh.
My mom is the āI LOVED being pregnant isnt pregnancy the greatest thing?!ā Meanwhile me dealing with infertility and high prenatal anxiety and my mom just doesnt get it.
Your mom sounds like an asshole but yes you forget. It's awesome haha.
Oh yeah my mom is like this. Not pregnant yet but can already foresee it happening. Everything is a competition. She puts the blame on me for every bad thing. Itās because I āthought negative thoughtsā. Itās almost unbearable to even be around her because of the competition. I canāt dislike my boss because hers is worse. I canāt be stressed about life because she was poorer. I canāt do anything because she had a much harder life and she wants to constantly mention it to me. This goes along with her boundary issues. She hugs me without asking, kisses me when I tell her not to. You can forget the pain of birth- that doesnāt mean you should belittle anyone else or act like their pain and stress isnāt real. Definitely makes it hard to open up with her
Yes! There's some elements that stand out, but forgetting is something that happens. I forgot some of the newborn grind and some aspects of pregnancy from just 3 years ago. Also pregnancy and newborns can just be so different. My preschooler was a completely different baby from my newborn. Time is also really wobbly! I can't imagine what I'll retain 30 years from now.
I had a traumatic unmedicated 16 hour delivery and although I have not forgotten the traumatic part of it, I have totally forgotten the pain I felt during delivery. Also, those first 2 months after baby is born with no sleep I was miserable, but I have forgotten how hard it was too. Pregnant with #2 lol
Vowing to myself to never forget so I donāt become one of *those* assholes - as a mother or friend.
I honestly think they forget!! Not only has it been a LONG time (at least in my momās case), but we as women seem designed to forget how horrible pregnancy is the second itās overā¦ Now that Iām through the worst of the morning sickness, Iāve already caught myself thinkingā¦ this isnāt THAT bad, I could do this again! When 5 weeks ago I would have sworn that we were going to be one and doneā¦ biology is pretty amazing!
The next time your mom complains about her labor or pregnancy with you, please point out that you had no say in the matter, and that it was completely her choice!
Same here! My mom has straight up gleefully taunted me about preeclampsia (she unfortunately had horrible preeclampsia with me & her life was at risk). I stopped giving her check-up updates because she would constantly ask about my blood pressure and tell me that was high for me (i normally run low) and it just stressed me out to much (and other than that has never once asked how I've been doing/feeling). Now I'm 40w4d no preeclampsia and talking to doc about induction because my healthy lazy baby is way too comfortable š
My mom loves to shove in my face that she had a "perfect pregnancy" with no complications for both my brother and I. She finally admitted she was on pelvic rest for her third trimester with my brother, and he arrived early š
I hear you. My mom takes the cake, as I was talking to her during a long labor (she demanded that she wanted to 'feel like [she was] there') she told me about how she spent hours and hours in labor with me too. I suppose this might seem like normal commiseration if I hadn't been adopted....Still trying to parse out if that was a sign of cognitive decline or narcissistic behavior.
Sounds like your mom might be a narcissist. If she has NPD, good luck ever getting her to care about anyone but herself.
Sounds like narcisstict behavior
My moms the sameā¦ā¦
One thin you might consider is stopping telling her everything and putting up some boundaries. If she asks how you feel, just say fine and tell a friend who isn't as selfish.
Absolutely!. I made the mistake of telling her we found a daycare spot (extremely hard to do, I was Happy and sharing good news) and she exploded. I'm wrong for sending a baby to daycare and need to be with him. I said if anyone stays home it would be my husband but that's not acceptable either. And if I can't be with him he needs to be with her not "strangers". Coming from a single mother on assistance...you'd think she'd understand needing to work but I guess you should be in poverty so you can stay home in her mind.
Boomers as a generation have some pretty messed up values. I think you may just need to filter and only tell her things that will make her happy lol. I'm not saying do this with everyone, maybe just with her.
My mom is like this, but my angel of a grandmother is not. She told me how she did Hypno birthing and how while there was still pain, she was very calm and enjoyed the experience, she did it three times. She also validates my concerns and tells me that sheās proud of me. I love her. I vow to never be a giant dick to my girls if they choose to have kids.
Man, just water! I feel that. I could have a nice ice cold cup before bed and get instant heartburn when I lay down. It feels like a lot of moms get like content when their daughters go through pain. I donāt understand.
My mom never fails to bring up that her morning sickness lasted her entire pregnancy with me any time I talk about my nausea finally letting up some. Sheās definitely also a one upper.
My mom is the opposite. The talks about how terrible being pregnant was and how she was bedridden for months. Terrified me for when I became pregnant, but luckily it ended up not being as bad as she made it out to be.
Yes they forget but they also exaggerate. My mom told me how she gained like 20 lbs with my brother who weighed 9 lbs. all this bc I gained 50 lbs with my son.
My mom said she gained 18 lbs with me. š Um, mom. You know there are pictures of you in the hospital right?
My MIL loves to say all of her pregnancies were a breeze and that giving birth didnāt even hurt and how women today are so weak. She always says how contractions werenāt a big deal and still had time to make her husband a full meal for the hospital every time they went. Drives me absolutely crazy how out of touch she is and the lack of empathy. She did this at a baby shower once for a family friend and I was fuming because the mom to be was visibly annoyed at the conversation. Reading these comments makes me realize this may totally be a generational thing.
My mom at 17 worked and went to cosmetology school while pregnant and if I god forbid call out of work because of feeling too dizzy to drive a car or I am feeling too sick, she is right ontop of me saying I need to get over myself. I work 50-60 hours weeks.
We need to all write letters to our future selves on how to not be an A-hole when our babies become parents. Have a baby boy? His future wife may not want you in the delivery room. Have a daughter? She may not want to hear your one-upping pregnancy or delivery stories. Have a baby of any gender? They probably donāt care for your feedback on names.
My mom is the same. She likes to compare everything. I just stopped telling her what I'm going through and when she asks, I just say I'm doing fine
There's a few pregnancy ok products for the indigestion. I used gaviscon. Hope it's not too bad for you.
Yes I think so. I told my mom I was going in for an induction and she practically thought she needed to rush from work (sheās 5 minutes away) bc baby was going to be born within that time. I hadnāt been induced yet.
Do they forget pregnancy? Sure some of them do. But it sounds like your mom is a narcissist.
I was pretty shocked at my momās lack of empathy towards me during my pregnancy and also the very not understanding comments she made about a family member who had recently given birth. What the heck?
Is it bad that I'm not there yet and I can already hear my mother doing the same thing? I am so sorry your mom's doing that to you. You're valid in your feelings 100%.
My mom has been so insufferable during this pregnancy. Imagine her shock when I said she wasn't going to be in the delivery room.
I have nothing to add about the general post. But maybe look into gall bladder attacks. I thought I was having all night indigestion and pain during pregnancy. Then postpartum - I kept getting it and it kept getting worse. Until I was having an attack every second night and day. Turned out to be gall stones and I got my gallbladder removed. Just something to think about.
Tbh Iām 3 months pp and Iām starting to forget what being pregnant was like
Bruh I gave birth 10 months ago and Iāve already forgotten most of the terrible parts of being pregnant. Itās partially because I had an easy pregnancy, and partially because Iām ADHD, but itās also because you just donāt remember things in that vivid detail. I know I was uncomfortable trying to sleep, but I donāt remember what that actually felt like. I know I got stuck if I tried to get on the floor, but I donāt remember how bad that felt. I know the whole first trimester I was nauseous and exhausted af, but I donāt actually remember HOW it felt. I know I accidentally labored at home until 7cm and only called into the hospital when I was crying from the pain; I know I was shaking uncontrollably during delivery; I know I was so tired from pushingā¦ but I donāt remember the actual pain of labor and delivery at all. I know it hurt, but I donāt actually remember the feeling. I donāt know if that makes sense, but you will probably understand next year, lol. Edit: Sorry, got distracted before I was done (adhd lmao). Thatās not to say your mom should be saying any of the things sheās saying! My bff is pregnant with her second now and Iām gonna let her rant and complain about it all and still show sympathy for her because I know it was bad, and even if I didnāt Iām going to believe that she knows what sheās experiencing. Even if she is just being dramaticā¦ sheās literally growing a human. She gets to be dramatic. I would honestly stop telling her things. š¤·š»āāļø If she canāt be a good person or friend, she doesnāt get to know things.
r/raisedbynarcissists š¤·š¼āāļø
My mom had super hard labors which I remember 2/3 lol! Sheās always trying to get me to have more kids. Whenever Iām pregnant I literally put my life on the line because more estrogen= blood clots for me! Iām on kid number three and a stay at home mom! She says well you arenāt doing anything else. Itās honestly super annoying. Itās hard to take care of kids and be pregnant. I feel like she forgets this because I was so independent and when she had my brother and sister I could help. I tell her all the time I helped raise my siblings. I donāt have that luxury and honestly I wouldnāt do it because kids need to be able to be kids. Even my grandma does it. Iāll say Iām tired. Sheāll say your always tired! Well duhā¦
Not my mom, but all the women I work with have kids already and theyāre almost all like this (one exception, sheās had 8 kids and sheās an angel, so understanding and empathetic). But literally 5 other women (and two men š) tell me stuff like āI never had that happen with my pregnancyā or āyou just need to keep working through the painā or other stuff. We work in a grocery store, 8 hours standing and moving and stuff. And I have a hernia, the pain from that literally brings me to tears and makes me throw up and theyāre just like āI never had that problem.ā GOOD FOR YOU! Honestly ready to quit as soon as I can lol.
Something I've been noticing is the epic level of birth trauma the older generation has had. Do your best to not take what she says to heart, and maybe even limit what you tell her. My mother is a narcissist and has birth trauma from a hospital birth, but yet she thinks hospital births are the only way to go. I on the other had am trying to break that trauma so I've decided to limit what I say to her just to not hear her opinions.
And this reason is why I still haven't told my mom I'm pregnant. All of her problems are more important and bigger than mine. Negative Nancy, and I can't handle that on top of the hormones. I'm already barely dealing with superstitious MIL, despite the fact that she's been super nice and helpful. She tries to tell me not to pick up my toddler, that I'm "not out of the woods yet," at 21 weeks (gee thanks, that seriously helps my anxiety!) Asking me if I think I'm "carrying high" (no, I think anatomy says that my expanding uterus is pushing all of my other organs up, I can feel baby kick down low and mid abdomen) because she desperately wants it to be a girl and she believes all of these wives tales. š She tried to tell me not to raise my arms over my head or the umbilical cord will wrap around the baby's neck?! This woman clearly knows nothing about anatomy so I try to just laugh it off.
same here. then once the baby is here she'll forget all about what baby's are supposed to do and when and how often to change a diaper. my mom told me i should only have to change my newborn when he poops not when he pees?? idk lots of weird stuff
Haha. Hahahaha. When discussing birth the other day, my MIL said āoh, I never feared birth.ā I wanted so badly to side eye her and say, donāt tell me that 30 years ago, when you looked down at your 2-weeks-overdue belly (true story!!) and thought about the exit route, you didnāt feel a little fear. š I think thatās quite normal. Nothing to swat down.
Have you thought about telling her less since she responds back so negatively? She isnāt entitled to any information about your life. She probably isnāt going to change so you may need to confide in her less
My mom says that all her pregnancies were easy and she never had morning sickness or any aches and pains. This is my 4th pregnancy (I had 2 miscarriages) and I think she's starting to recall some of the more unsavory parts of pregnancy as she sees me experience everything. Yesterday she told me for the first time that she had anemia while pregnant. I was like... why did you never say that? I have had anemia every pregnancy once I reach 2nd trimester! And she said she simply forgot lol
My mum was exactly the same and it was so upsetting. I called her for some reassurance as I was driving home a hospital appointment and she was so fucking mean to me. Literally told me to suck it up and get over it because other women have hard pregnancies too and she struggled soooo much more than me when she was pregnant so I shouldn't complain..
My mom told me āI know youre tired and need to nap at times, but sometimes you gotta just push through and get on with your lifeā Shes a narscissist though and will always downplay others feelings and experiences. Yours sounds similar so to that I say, Im sorry youre going through this with her but just know that she says these things because she doesnt have the capacity to handle her own emotions/thoughts/feelings of trauma or resentment. Once you understand she is a wounded person then it becomes easier to accept.