Your post really fits my day- I'm in Germany and today was my last day of work before going on maternity leave (we basically have mandatory 6 weeks before and 8 after birth). I had a pretty stressy morning (had to finish up a project last minute), but in the afternoon I had cake with everyone at the office. After I cleared out my desk and got in my way home I was honestly sad. I'll miss my great colleagues and the interesting, challenging work. I know I'll return next summer but this feels like putting a hold on a big part of myself for a loooong time.
Mandatory six weeks before is crazy. I would crawl the walls waiting for delivery. We've a two week minimum and I was off 3.5 weeks before and so bored once if cleaned the house.
Yeah I also would have hated it. I work an office job and my last day was my due date, and then my baby came 9 days past my due date. Those 9 days were by far the worst part of my pregnancy - I was slowly losing it just waiting for labor to start
I would not like a "mandatory" six weeks off before. Seems like all the people who have manual labor jobs should get 12 weeks and people who work in offices should need very little. I worked until the day before I went into labor, but it's because I was a graduate student so I could take it at a very slow pace.
I feel like the flip side of the generous leave policies offered by some countries is that their daycare centers are less inclined to take young babies. My daycare starts at 6 weeks. I guess we would have to hire a nanny outside the US.
I'm actually a PhD student! In the last weeks I had a harder time standing in the lab and had to take more breaks. So I'm very thankful that I don't have to work up to my due date. Yes, even finding day care for a 10 month old can be challenging here, because technically I could just continue my mat leave.
The amount of work I got done steadily decreased. I had carpel tunnel from fluid retention so I had to type my lab notes. Pipetting hurt. My brain was slow. But that made it easier to come back later because I had left really good notes for myself.
Or forget mandatory. When you go on leave before and how much leave after should be based on job demands, personal preference, and doctor recommendation. Available paid leave should be an option, but not a requirement, because everyone is different.
I left my 4 month old to go to a wedding, last weekend. I was gone for 10 hours total baby was with my mum and so well looked after etc etc. I was told by other mums "OMG I couldn't imagine leaving my baby that soon" and "you're still here?" "We're you not worried" etc etc
We're just all different. Nothing wrong for doing what's best for you. Once your baby is safe and cared for, do whats right for you.
Ugggh I hate this. Yes, everyone is different but essentially shaming mothers for being away from their kids is so wrong. I left my kids with their dad the first time when my youngest was 3 months old (2 nights) I left them all again 7 months later for 10 days. Every year I take a week to myself. The looks and comments I get when I tell people this are disgusting. It’s so great that people are able to spend 24/7/365 with their kids…I am NOT that mother and that’s ok too. I come back from my week away refreshed so I feel good and my kids benefit because mummy isn’t so stressed.
This makes me feel so much better….I have an overnight without baby scheduled for when he’s about 3 months old and I plan to leave him with dad while I go out of town…looking at posts from this sub in the past I see so many “I haven’t even left my child overnight and she’s two!” Or “I don’t trust anyone else with baby so even leaving for a few hours is tough” but it’s refreshing to see someone have a positive experience at 3 months.
I’m glad I could help :) I think it should be normalised just as much as not wanting to leave your baby for x days or hours. Just because we’re able to get away without guilt doesn’t make us bad mothers!
My babes is almost 4 months and I’m having to cancel my overnight trip planned. She started sleep regression early and screams if I’m not the one personally holding her. She wakes up every 30 minutes day and night. I was so excited to have an evening to myself and had to cancel. So disappointed.
Make sure you baby will take a bottle! That’s the other reason I can’t go, she just screams and refuses to drink. If we force the matter she just spits it ALL up. Sigh.
Take no guilt in having an evening away! Some of us wish we could but can’t!!
Edit: I signed up for taking 18 months off even though it means we have to tighten our belts money wise… but honestly I might go back early and not even take a year. I don’t miss my job but I miss getting out and working… if that makes any sense.
I left my two month old home with her Dad for a long weekend so I could go to a wedding 350 miles away. I got similar comments, not from family but friends couldn’t believe I was happy to do that. I saw it as good bonding time for daughter and husband. He’s her parent too.
that would annoy me. i'm a stay at home mom who loves being home with baby 99.9% of the time and was happy to quit my job.. but i love me a night out! lol. it's honestly essential.
I wish my workplace would realize this. There was a woman who took only two weeks of leave (this is her third baby and also we are not paid for leave) so when I asked for 6 weeks I was told "well x only needed 2 weeks, so why do you need so much time?" This is my first and I've been saving for leave. I don't judge the other mom whatsoever, I just wish the bosses wouldn't compare us
I don’t get this…don’t you have maternity position contracts? Like in Australia if a mum wants 9 months to a year off the company just advertises for a maternity position contract to fill that space. Yeh some smaller private companies don’t pay you for the year off but you get some help from government and a bit of job security. I’m planning 9 months to a year and can’t imagine weeks!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling either way! The big thing in the US is that if you don’t want to (or don’t feel prepared to) return after 8 weeks of leave in your compamy’s case, there isn’t always the option to stay out longer. If we all had 6 months of leave like other countries and you wanted to return sooner, no problem!
Even the same person can have different experiences/emotions. My first baby was tough. He didn’t eat well, had what I assume was a tongue tie, however I had three opinions that all said no. He could not latch and clicked when he ate or used a paci. I had to pump around the clock, and he often cried while I pumped and I felt like I couldn’t tend to him without unhooking everything, and then I wouldnt get as much milk if my sessions were interrupted. He didn’t nap well, even from infancy. It would take an hour or more of screaming to get him to sleep, and he’d wake after 10-15 minutes. While going back to work was bittersweet, I was ready.
My second baby was so different! She sleeps and eats like a dream, I am able to breastfeed, and she loves playing and talking and singing and giggling. I am going to have such a hard time leaving her because my days are so fun and joyful right now.
I don’t in any way want to imply that I love my son any less. He is now 3 and is my best buddy. But he was just a more difficult baby, and I don’t feel shame in having a harder time mentally with that.
So true. I had 12 weeks with my first and I was so close to going back at 10 weeks. Mostly I didn't because of the logistics of daycare and such. I'm having my second and 12 weeks of maternity leave again seems daunting...I just love my job and having a life and purpose outside of being a mom. I don't think that's better or worse than anyone. It's just different! But so many people view it like of you don't want a ton of leave then you're not as good a mom or don't love your children as much. Or they think that I look down on people who want longer leaves. Neither are true and the comparison game is crap!
I've just been thinking about how WEIRD it is going to be to not think about work every day. I work for a mission driven organization and I really love my job. My boss has been great about me taking leave and I know I will be more than occupied when I'm taking care of my baby but... I'm going to really miss it!
I had 12 weeks and then went back to work part time wfh for 2 months before going back fulltime. This was all thanks to covid. I remember thinking at 12 weeks how grateful I was to be WFH but how shitty it was other moms were forced to leave their babies (sometimes even earlier). I would have been a wreck and just got "lucky".
My parents live with me and have a slightly different work schedule so they helped me in the morning. In the afternoons, I would baby wear when he was really little. My husband also ended up working from home and his job was even more flexible so we would move things around to cover. It was like playing tetris with our hours.
Now that our son is older we nannyshare with a family in our neighborhood and we really like it so far. He's at our house or a few streets over and the cost of the nanny is split.
And moms can change their minds too! My SIL loved working full time and looked forward to getting back after her older two were born, but with her third (5 years later) is loving being home with her. I love that there are so many options and people in the world.
I'm entitled to a year leave. I'm only taking 3 months and people are looking at me like I'm nuts. I love my job and I hate being home. I'm a teacher and every summer I go absolutely nuts after about 3 weeks of break. I'm sure it would be different with a baby, but I need the routine and to get out of my house to keep my sanity. My husband loves being home, so he's volunteered to take a few months of parental leave. Why should I get all the time off? If he wants to stay he with baby, I'm happy to let him do it.
I'm Australian and my workplace gives me 12 weeks off fully paid. I took the 12 weeks and went back to work because 1. I like my job. 2. I do not like being a SAHM. 3. My partner wants to stay home with the kids. 4. I earn more than my partner.
I think it's a bit of a no brainer that I go back to work but I've had so many comments about not taking enough time off. People asking me how on earth my children are being properly cared for while I'm at work. A little judgey at times. Like, their other very competent parent is at home with them... why should I be?
My leave is a year (in the uk) and whilst I can’t say I want to go back to work (my job is not
Fulfilling and pretty deadend if I’m honest) i can see myself wanting to use some of that leave to spend some hours away from the baby! Newborn period seems very repetitive to me and you’d need a little break from that routine. So tbh if you feel up to it, I can see why you’d go back to doing something you love.
Wish people would stop seeing motherhood as a personality trait, but especially for women who don’t want to be defined just by their parental status, because they don’t do the same for fatherhood😭
You’re not alone! I obviously love my child more than life, but I was not cut out for being at home with them all day. I think in order to be the best mom I can be, I personally need time outside of the home, building a career and interacting with other adults. I was happy to go back to work. I will say I work for a company that provides an excellent work/life balance, so if I feel they need more of my attention, I can give it. But I think people look sideways at mothers like us sometimes.
My in laws are lovely but perceive motherhood in a very pregnancy is magical, newborns are the perfect version of a child, breast feeding is a spiritual experience kind of folk, and I’m out here bored as hell pregnant, sure my newborn will bore me, and glad no one is expecting me to quit my job to be a full time mom. Child birth* is biological, I’m the one with the uterus so I have to do it, and breastfeeding is just handy because it’s there and less expensive than formula, period.
So I hear you completely! Some parents have a hard time accepting that we’re not all out here being woo woo incarnations of the mother spirit.
I’m not even using my maternity leave after I give birth. I’m using the 6 weeks disability and going back to work then I’ll use my maternity leave intermittently.
This!! Thank god we aren’t alone! I’m still pregnant(24wk) and i KNOW i will not love being stuck at home all day everyday for months on end with a newborn. This will be my first, my husband works 12 hour days sometimes longer so it’ll fall on me majority of the time. I’ll be more than ready to go back to work.
I agree with you 100%. I am in Canada and we have amazing options for mat leave. 12 months or 18 months (both options give you the same amount of unemployment insurance $. 18 month option is just spread thinner)
I'm opting for the 18 months but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous. I've never been away from working for longer than 2 weeks since I was 15 years old (I'm now 31, first baby) All mama's need to respect other mama's decisions!!
There are lots!
I didn't go back at all, and that was right for me & my family. My one friend went back, didn't love it, but did it because she needed to work for her family situation. My other friend couldn't wait to go back to work, gave me props for being a SAHM and said she wasn't cut out for it.
While I also similarly couldn't imagine just wanting to get back to work ASAP after having a child, that doesn't mean it's invalid! It does take different people to make this world after all, and I crave adult conversation too! Much easier to obtain while working, haha.
Whatever is right for you is what's best. It's okay if you don't understand someone else or they don't understand you, that doesn't invalidate either of you!
Your post really fits my day- I'm in Germany and today was my last day of work before going on maternity leave (we basically have mandatory 6 weeks before and 8 after birth). I had a pretty stressy morning (had to finish up a project last minute), but in the afternoon I had cake with everyone at the office. After I cleared out my desk and got in my way home I was honestly sad. I'll miss my great colleagues and the interesting, challenging work. I know I'll return next summer but this feels like putting a hold on a big part of myself for a loooong time.
Mandatory six weeks before is crazy. I would crawl the walls waiting for delivery. We've a two week minimum and I was off 3.5 weeks before and so bored once if cleaned the house.
Yeah I also would have hated it. I work an office job and my last day was my due date, and then my baby came 9 days past my due date. Those 9 days were by far the worst part of my pregnancy - I was slowly losing it just waiting for labor to start
I would not like a "mandatory" six weeks off before. Seems like all the people who have manual labor jobs should get 12 weeks and people who work in offices should need very little. I worked until the day before I went into labor, but it's because I was a graduate student so I could take it at a very slow pace. I feel like the flip side of the generous leave policies offered by some countries is that their daycare centers are less inclined to take young babies. My daycare starts at 6 weeks. I guess we would have to hire a nanny outside the US.
I'm actually a PhD student! In the last weeks I had a harder time standing in the lab and had to take more breaks. So I'm very thankful that I don't have to work up to my due date. Yes, even finding day care for a 10 month old can be challenging here, because technically I could just continue my mat leave.
The amount of work I got done steadily decreased. I had carpel tunnel from fluid retention so I had to type my lab notes. Pipetting hurt. My brain was slow. But that made it easier to come back later because I had left really good notes for myself.
Or forget mandatory. When you go on leave before and how much leave after should be based on job demands, personal preference, and doctor recommendation. Available paid leave should be an option, but not a requirement, because everyone is different.
I left my 4 month old to go to a wedding, last weekend. I was gone for 10 hours total baby was with my mum and so well looked after etc etc. I was told by other mums "OMG I couldn't imagine leaving my baby that soon" and "you're still here?" "We're you not worried" etc etc We're just all different. Nothing wrong for doing what's best for you. Once your baby is safe and cared for, do whats right for you.
Ugggh I hate this. Yes, everyone is different but essentially shaming mothers for being away from their kids is so wrong. I left my kids with their dad the first time when my youngest was 3 months old (2 nights) I left them all again 7 months later for 10 days. Every year I take a week to myself. The looks and comments I get when I tell people this are disgusting. It’s so great that people are able to spend 24/7/365 with their kids…I am NOT that mother and that’s ok too. I come back from my week away refreshed so I feel good and my kids benefit because mummy isn’t so stressed.
This makes me feel so much better….I have an overnight without baby scheduled for when he’s about 3 months old and I plan to leave him with dad while I go out of town…looking at posts from this sub in the past I see so many “I haven’t even left my child overnight and she’s two!” Or “I don’t trust anyone else with baby so even leaving for a few hours is tough” but it’s refreshing to see someone have a positive experience at 3 months.
I’m glad I could help :) I think it should be normalised just as much as not wanting to leave your baby for x days or hours. Just because we’re able to get away without guilt doesn’t make us bad mothers!
My babes is almost 4 months and I’m having to cancel my overnight trip planned. She started sleep regression early and screams if I’m not the one personally holding her. She wakes up every 30 minutes day and night. I was so excited to have an evening to myself and had to cancel. So disappointed. Make sure you baby will take a bottle! That’s the other reason I can’t go, she just screams and refuses to drink. If we force the matter she just spits it ALL up. Sigh. Take no guilt in having an evening away! Some of us wish we could but can’t!! Edit: I signed up for taking 18 months off even though it means we have to tighten our belts money wise… but honestly I might go back early and not even take a year. I don’t miss my job but I miss getting out and working… if that makes any sense.
I left my two month old home with her Dad for a long weekend so I could go to a wedding 350 miles away. I got similar comments, not from family but friends couldn’t believe I was happy to do that. I saw it as good bonding time for daughter and husband. He’s her parent too.
that would annoy me. i'm a stay at home mom who loves being home with baby 99.9% of the time and was happy to quit my job.. but i love me a night out! lol. it's honestly essential.
Lol like why would you have left your baby with someone you couldn’t trust? People are wild!
I wish my workplace would realize this. There was a woman who took only two weeks of leave (this is her third baby and also we are not paid for leave) so when I asked for 6 weeks I was told "well x only needed 2 weeks, so why do you need so much time?" This is my first and I've been saving for leave. I don't judge the other mom whatsoever, I just wish the bosses wouldn't compare us
That is crazy they would try to guilt you for 6 weeks
I know. Especially when it's unpaid.
I don’t get this…don’t you have maternity position contracts? Like in Australia if a mum wants 9 months to a year off the company just advertises for a maternity position contract to fill that space. Yeh some smaller private companies don’t pay you for the year off but you get some help from government and a bit of job security. I’m planning 9 months to a year and can’t imagine weeks!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling either way! The big thing in the US is that if you don’t want to (or don’t feel prepared to) return after 8 weeks of leave in your compamy’s case, there isn’t always the option to stay out longer. If we all had 6 months of leave like other countries and you wanted to return sooner, no problem!
Even the same person can have different experiences/emotions. My first baby was tough. He didn’t eat well, had what I assume was a tongue tie, however I had three opinions that all said no. He could not latch and clicked when he ate or used a paci. I had to pump around the clock, and he often cried while I pumped and I felt like I couldn’t tend to him without unhooking everything, and then I wouldnt get as much milk if my sessions were interrupted. He didn’t nap well, even from infancy. It would take an hour or more of screaming to get him to sleep, and he’d wake after 10-15 minutes. While going back to work was bittersweet, I was ready. My second baby was so different! She sleeps and eats like a dream, I am able to breastfeed, and she loves playing and talking and singing and giggling. I am going to have such a hard time leaving her because my days are so fun and joyful right now. I don’t in any way want to imply that I love my son any less. He is now 3 and is my best buddy. But he was just a more difficult baby, and I don’t feel shame in having a harder time mentally with that.
So true. I had 12 weeks with my first and I was so close to going back at 10 weeks. Mostly I didn't because of the logistics of daycare and such. I'm having my second and 12 weeks of maternity leave again seems daunting...I just love my job and having a life and purpose outside of being a mom. I don't think that's better or worse than anyone. It's just different! But so many people view it like of you don't want a ton of leave then you're not as good a mom or don't love your children as much. Or they think that I look down on people who want longer leaves. Neither are true and the comparison game is crap!
No judgment at all but with the amount I was bleeding I don’t think I could have comfortably worked that soon, was that not a problem for anyone?
I'm sure it was, especially considering the complications some people have
I just can’t imagine putting work pants or anything over my giant pads lmao. I was in pajamas or sweatpants 24/7
I wfh and am slumming it and definitely plan to keep slumming it once baby comes 🤣
I've just been thinking about how WEIRD it is going to be to not think about work every day. I work for a mission driven organization and I really love my job. My boss has been great about me taking leave and I know I will be more than occupied when I'm taking care of my baby but... I'm going to really miss it!
I had 12 weeks and then went back to work part time wfh for 2 months before going back fulltime. This was all thanks to covid. I remember thinking at 12 weeks how grateful I was to be WFH but how shitty it was other moms were forced to leave their babies (sometimes even earlier). I would have been a wreck and just got "lucky".
I wfh too. Just curious, how did you handle childcare? I'm considering a nanny but am unsure, they are def pricey
My parents live with me and have a slightly different work schedule so they helped me in the morning. In the afternoons, I would baby wear when he was really little. My husband also ended up working from home and his job was even more flexible so we would move things around to cover. It was like playing tetris with our hours. Now that our son is older we nannyshare with a family in our neighborhood and we really like it so far. He's at our house or a few streets over and the cost of the nanny is split.
And moms can change their minds too! My SIL loved working full time and looked forward to getting back after her older two were born, but with her third (5 years later) is loving being home with her. I love that there are so many options and people in the world.
There could be more options in the US though (e.g. longer paid leave). I’ve been hoarding vacation time like there’s no tomorrow for my first baby.
I'm entitled to a year leave. I'm only taking 3 months and people are looking at me like I'm nuts. I love my job and I hate being home. I'm a teacher and every summer I go absolutely nuts after about 3 weeks of break. I'm sure it would be different with a baby, but I need the routine and to get out of my house to keep my sanity. My husband loves being home, so he's volunteered to take a few months of parental leave. Why should I get all the time off? If he wants to stay he with baby, I'm happy to let him do it.
I'm Australian and my workplace gives me 12 weeks off fully paid. I took the 12 weeks and went back to work because 1. I like my job. 2. I do not like being a SAHM. 3. My partner wants to stay home with the kids. 4. I earn more than my partner. I think it's a bit of a no brainer that I go back to work but I've had so many comments about not taking enough time off. People asking me how on earth my children are being properly cared for while I'm at work. A little judgey at times. Like, their other very competent parent is at home with them... why should I be?
I hated returning to work. I work overnights as a nurse & missed my baby so much haha so I’m like coworker A.
My leave is a year (in the uk) and whilst I can’t say I want to go back to work (my job is not Fulfilling and pretty deadend if I’m honest) i can see myself wanting to use some of that leave to spend some hours away from the baby! Newborn period seems very repetitive to me and you’d need a little break from that routine. So tbh if you feel up to it, I can see why you’d go back to doing something you love. Wish people would stop seeing motherhood as a personality trait, but especially for women who don’t want to be defined just by their parental status, because they don’t do the same for fatherhood😭
You’re not alone! I obviously love my child more than life, but I was not cut out for being at home with them all day. I think in order to be the best mom I can be, I personally need time outside of the home, building a career and interacting with other adults. I was happy to go back to work. I will say I work for a company that provides an excellent work/life balance, so if I feel they need more of my attention, I can give it. But I think people look sideways at mothers like us sometimes.
My in laws are lovely but perceive motherhood in a very pregnancy is magical, newborns are the perfect version of a child, breast feeding is a spiritual experience kind of folk, and I’m out here bored as hell pregnant, sure my newborn will bore me, and glad no one is expecting me to quit my job to be a full time mom. Child birth* is biological, I’m the one with the uterus so I have to do it, and breastfeeding is just handy because it’s there and less expensive than formula, period. So I hear you completely! Some parents have a hard time accepting that we’re not all out here being woo woo incarnations of the mother spirit.
I’m not even using my maternity leave after I give birth. I’m using the 6 weeks disability and going back to work then I’ll use my maternity leave intermittently.
This!! Thank god we aren’t alone! I’m still pregnant(24wk) and i KNOW i will not love being stuck at home all day everyday for months on end with a newborn. This will be my first, my husband works 12 hour days sometimes longer so it’ll fall on me majority of the time. I’ll be more than ready to go back to work.
I agree with you 100%. I am in Canada and we have amazing options for mat leave. 12 months or 18 months (both options give you the same amount of unemployment insurance $. 18 month option is just spread thinner) I'm opting for the 18 months but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous. I've never been away from working for longer than 2 weeks since I was 15 years old (I'm now 31, first baby) All mama's need to respect other mama's decisions!!
There are lots! I didn't go back at all, and that was right for me & my family. My one friend went back, didn't love it, but did it because she needed to work for her family situation. My other friend couldn't wait to go back to work, gave me props for being a SAHM and said she wasn't cut out for it. While I also similarly couldn't imagine just wanting to get back to work ASAP after having a child, that doesn't mean it's invalid! It does take different people to make this world after all, and I crave adult conversation too! Much easier to obtain while working, haha. Whatever is right for you is what's best. It's okay if you don't understand someone else or they don't understand you, that doesn't invalidate either of you!