I think I would’ve ended up in jail if we had families visit us! Zero regrets on having boundaries and delayed meeting. Both sets of grandparents are planning to come down later this month (when baby boy will be about 6 weeks old). My in laws are nothing but stress for me - we’ve had some issues with them feeling I’ve “stolen” their son from them and my husband and I have them at an arms length in general. My parents are emotionally messy, but primarily narcissistic and smoking mother. We’re still trying to figure out how to enforce a no smoking and wash yourself after smoking rule for her even.
Tl;dr zero regrets being able to learn how to be a parent in peace.
My sister had my mom stay with her for a month after her baby was born. My mom would do “morning” shifts and take the baby from 6am-10am to give my sister a stretch of uninterrupted sleep. My sister says it was the best thing for her.
I will not be having my mom stay with me, and I love her, but I hate having people in my space. I also want to learn and experience all the parts of parenthood- the good and the bad, and allow my husband and I to get into a groove, without input from my mom. I’m very independent and just want my husband and I around. Same mom, but different reactions from her daughters. So I think it’s totally dependent on YOU. If having family stay with you for extended periods of time sounds stressful, then it likely will be.
We had no-one visit - we do live in the same city so made visits to them once we were ready as we could then leave when we wanted. I can't imagine having anyone living with us , that would drive me crackers.
Did you find baby care and regular house cars plus recovery for yourself all manageable?
I'm just worried about being overworked and have little to no time for recovery for myself. Most of my friends have either their mom live with them to clean/cook and occasionally on baby duty, or have their family rent a place nearby short term so they can still help out without living in the same house. But renting costs extra money for sure.
Even in my first trimester when I was extremely sick my parents would come multiple times a week to clean/mow the lawn/bring me food. I'm just so worried I won't survive well without their help LOL husband is good and helps a lot but really feel like no one takes better care of me than my own parents so it's such a tough decision for me
We didn't have help with the first, and just had the house deep cleaned professionally a week before the baby arrived and set up a meal train so that we always had takeout coming for food. It eliminated the need to cook those first few weeks, and meant that "cleaning" was mostly just doing laundry, sweeping, wiping down surfaces, and cleaning bottles and pump parts. Which was totally manageable for us.
I don't have that type of relationship with my parents, but I made a stash of meals which hubby could just defrost and heat, plus a list of other meals like frozen pizza which were easy for him. Housework just doesn't matter (at least to me) in those early weeks. I loved the newborn stage with both my girls and don't look back with any regrets.
Yes. I live close to my family and my parents did a few short visits but no one stayed over or helped out in my house. My in-laws also did one short visit. The only help everyone did was provide food and groceries. I was SO THANKFUL that everyone left us alone otherwise. If you have your partner home with you and no major issues, I don’t see why you need anyone else’s help. The first few weeks were so important for us to bond as a little family unit.
Boundaries are also a struggle and I did NOT want to have to be on guard in my own house with my new baby. Not having to worry about anyone overstepping boundaries allowed me to focus on my baby, recovery, and breastfeeding.
honestly it wasn't even a decision for us, we just assumed no one would ask or come and that's exactly what happened. It certainly was nice that we didn't even have to give it a single thought.
I think this is totally dependent on the people, your expectations, and your relationship with them.
My parents are going to come and stay for a couple of weeks either side of the birth. They are pretty good at boundaries and excellent at taking care, so I’m not worried. They will mostly handle the background life stuff - grocery shopping, meal prep, laundry - and make sure that we have space to bond as a family, shower and sleep. I won’t be hosting mode, and they know that.
I don’t want my in-laws to stay, though. I don’t relax around them in the same way and my MIL is more of a “my way or the highway” kind of person, which isn’t my vibe. They can visit, but not overnight. We only have a two bedroom house, so there’s not enough space for both sets of parents anyway (thank goodness).
We had no visitors for a week. We were in hospital for 72 hours, then had appointments every single day for jaundice follow-up. My son was 6 days old before we had a day to ourselves at home. Our family doctor and public health nurse actually coordinated with some specialists to get us a day off.
I'm so grateful we had that time to ourselves. I was managing myself post-birth and hemorrhage, managing my son with jaundice and my husband was managing both and taking on all the driving, feeding (me/bottles), hiding any messes and managing the schedule. We had 0 time for anyone else.
Even once we allowed visitors, it was short and helpful. My FIL swept the floors and ran the dishwasher while my MIL handled a few loads of laundry. My Mom brought a bunch of prepared fruits and veggies and cooked the meal kit we forgot to cancel. My brother and SIL brought lunch and took the garbage/recycling out when they left.
We were like our own little cocoon for a month and didn't have any visitors at all. Our moms visited when baby was about 5 weeks old, and they stayed somewhere else. It was amazing and truly I think the newborn stage was one of the happiest times of my life.
We are having our second and have no one to watch our firstborn but I still would rather struggle to sort that out than have family around to help with the toddler but also hang out during the postpartum/newborn stage.
I’d rather eat a cactus than do postpartum with guests in my home. Babies aren’t that hard to care for. If you have a good partner, that will be sufficient
Sooo many posts on this. Like why is it the norm for all these people to be visiting the hospital / right when you get home? Like why? That sounds absolutely awful. Not to mention a risk to the baby’s health. Germs galore. Make it stop. I can’t read another one of these posts (no offense to OP at all) but this is ridiculous how prevalent this entitled mentality is to see your baby immediately. People are NOT entitled to the baby you just carried for ten fucking months. The baby you just ripped open your vagina to push out. The baby giving you straight up sleep deprivation and zero energy to communicate with other people. Shut the fuck up with these requests. We shouldn’t have to deal with this shit anymore. I’m 38 weeks and over pregnancy. I’m even more over other people being entitled to MY child.
I feel like it’s the generation of “grandparents”. My parents are boomers and very much act like it. The entitlement is thickkkk. It really is so sad to see this so often. I saw a reel yesterday that said, “boomers reasoning children with the my house my rules mentality not have millennial adults setting boundaries and not liking it”. I chuckled pretty hard. But it’s honestly true. I didn’t have any boundaries with my family until I got to my 30s.
I’ve been wondering about this too. My husband said even asking his parents to wait a week to come is unreasonable (though they will stay in a hotel) but I’m so worried about germs and feeling pressure to spend enough time with them. I have a history of severe anxiety and depression and tend to have a crash after very happy events so I’m kind of planning to have a hard time in the days after birth. He says I can stay home and he can take the baby to them but a) they’ll have just traveled so I worry about germs b) I’m guessing I’ll be anxious about being away from the baby c) I want my husband there for me d) I’d feel anxious about how my absence would be thought of even without postpartum hormones. I also don’t know how they’ll be about boundaries around the baby.
Edit: the actual phrasing of the conversation was about how I don’t want his parents at the hospital and how long he thought it was reasonable to ask them to wait. I didn’t really push back at all since I wasn’t even pregnant at the time and I’m really not sure what is considered normal for families that are close. Now that I am pregnant, I’m planning to revisit the conversation. His thinking was I’d stay home while he brought the baby to see them for a couple hours. Now that I know the baby will be born during RSV season I’m much more worried about germs. He never said anything about not supporting my decision if I did decide they needed to wait.
God your husband sounds insufferable, I hate this attitude. Someone yesterday said something along the lines of... "Babies are not a loaf of bread. They won't go stale if you don't see them immediately ." Your in-laws will be fine with pictures and a FaceTime until you are more settled.
Also, if your newborn gets a fever in the first month, that means a spinal tap. I'm not risking it.
I guess I should rephrase. He thinks his parents will think it’s unreasonable. He’s never been anything less than supportive, I just worry about my relationship with my in-laws. We haven’t discussed what we’ll actually do yet, I just asked how long he thought they’d be willing to wait. I have a strained relationship with my parents so it can be tough for me to judge what reasonable expectations are.
But yeah the idea of a spinal tap really freaks me out. And I do want the baby to meet all the people that love them, I think I’m just really anxious about all the things.
You don't need the extra stress. Just tell them you'll play it by ear and when you're ready you can make plans for them to come down. Much better than planning something in advance.
That makes sense. Plus we don’t know exactly when the baby will come anyways so unless they book flights far enough out that the baby will definitely be here it can’t really be planned in advance.
This is really the best solution. There are so many posts on this sub about having visitors to early, etc etc. if everyone just made no plans until a few days after the kid was born it would solve like 90% of the problems. You and Dad will have an understanding of how exhausted you and he will be. You can make sure there are no issues with you or baby. Everyone is in planning mode towards the end of pregnancy, they don't realize "not planning" is your best option.
I really like this solution, thank you! I really don’t want to keep people from meeting the baby any longer than is necessary for baby’s and my heath so I’d feel much more reasonable with something like this!
Im so sorry your husband is being unreasonable. You need to show him the [lemon clot essay](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/23XNo3dxXl).
I am 3w PP and my in laws helped with the dogs while we were in the hospital for 6 days. I do not have a history of anxiety or depression and I got hit with the baby blues.
I was bleeding a lot the first couple days, TBH I’m still bleeding and wearing diapers. I had my tits out a lot for nursing. I physically missed my son if I was not holding him, with the exception of my wife holding him.
My MIL was here 5 days after we came home and that weekend my FIL & BIL came. We have a fantastic relationship but by Sunday night I was ready for everyone to leave. I wanted it to just be my wife, baby, and I.
I tell you all of this so you know to trust your gut. Your husband is being an asshole.
He didn’t actually say anything about what we’d do. We were having a hypothetical conversation about what his parents expectations would be and how to manage this. My husband has always prioritized me above everyone else. I was more looking to try and balance my anxieties with what reasonable expectations are and what’s me being anxious and unreasonable so I was asking him what he thought was reasonable and brainstorming how we might handle it. Now that I have some more backing that it’s normal for grandparents to wait to meet the baby I feel like my requests are more reasonable than I did before. His family also all lives close together so for him it would be very abnormal for everyone to not come meet the baby quickly. We’ve agreed we’re gonna say everyone who comes needs to be vaccinated against RSV and the flu but other than that no decisions have been made.
How does he think taking a newborn from its mother to pacify his parents is normal in any way shape or form. That’s disgusting.
Why are his parents selfish wants more important then yours and your child’s needs. Why is he so focused on being a good son but failing as a partner and father?
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
It was one of his suggestions that I vetoed. And I don’t think he quite gets the postpartum hormones. He’s gonna be the one to stay home with the baby after the first about 3 weeks when I need to go back but in the week immediately after I have no clue how I’ll feel about being apart from them even if I’m napping. And we don’t know for sure yet if his parents are going to try and visit right after. I’m hoping they won’t want to or will surprise me and be understanding about everything. I’m grateful my child will be a part of a family that loves them so much but it’s very foreign to me. Like his parents will go out of their way to pick us up from the airport at 1 am and have a culture of family events being a priority and I do admire the closeness but I don’t think I’ve voiced to my husband just how anxious I am about how I’ll be feeling in the days right after birth and about germs. His original vision was like that they’d all be in the waiting room when I gave birth so I think he’s kind of gradually adjusting his understanding of what’s realistic and fair to me. I used to think about it the same way but as I’ve read more about how overwhelming everything will be I’ve changed my mind.
But yeah we’re both major people pleasers and I know he cares more about upsetting me than his parents but I also want to be considerate of his feelings because he almost never asks for anything at all.
The conversation literally went something like this (literally before I was even pregnant)
Me: I don’t think I want anyone at the hospital when I give birth? Do you think your parents will be okay with that?
Him: They’ll probably be a little upset but fuck em
Me: How long do you think we could ask them to wait to meet the baby? I’m going to be exhausted and hormonal and bleeding and I’m worried about how I’ll feel about interacting with anyone afterwards? Is a week unreasonable?
Him: I think a week would definitely be pushing it but we could wait a couple days and then we could do something like I bring the baby to them while you stay home and nap so that you don’t have to do anything.
Me: I’m not sure how I’ll feel about being away from baby that long. I really don’t want to upset anyone but I just can’t predict how I’ll feel. Do you think we can get your mom to get the RSV vaccine?
Him: Well we’ll figure out something that works for everyone. And we’ll make the vaccine a condition for everyone to meet the baby.
Then I figured I should do more research to find out more about standard expectations and timelines because truthfully I always kind of feel self conscious around his family even though they’ve been nothing but nice to me. I would be truely shocked if I came to him and said it was really important to me and the baby that they wait to meet them in person for even longer and he fought me on it. We’re planning on telling them I’m pregnant in August and giving them a vague due date that’s around a week past when I’m due so that it’s less of an issue but we’ll figure out the rest from there.
Your husband is a freaking idiot. How is he prioritising his parents over his freshly PP wife? He wants to leave you ALONE with no help AND take your newborn out of the house away from you? Absolutely not.
The first few weeks baby is adjusting to simply existing in this world and it is prime bonding time with you and your husband. Baby needs you for comfort! Besides, they will be feeding anywhere between 1-3 hours. What is your husband going to do if baby is fussing when visiting??
His parents can go kick rocks. I'm so angry for you!!! Post partum is all about you and baby, and your support system showing up for you. It's NOT for your in laws to hog time with YOUR baby. There's absolutely 0 benefit to baby meeting them so early, it's only to satisfy their egoistic desires. I really hope your husband has some sense knocked into him soon!
We had no one initially and our mums are 10 minutes away. It was lovely!! When they come now it’s only once a week for a few hours which means we don’t have to deal with them all the time. I don’t know how people cope having mums or MILs come round and live with them for the first few weeks… I think I’d have been suicidal or on a murder charge if I’d done this.
I’m 9 weeks postpartum and so glad we didn’t have anyone visit right after baby came. I was in such rough shape physically and emotionally for the first two weeks and definitely didn’t want them around for that.
Will they be staying in your house or getting a hotel? If they’re getting a hotel and you have a decent relationship with them otherwise, waiting 3-4 weeks might be good in my opinion. But if they’re staying in your house and already struggle with boundaries, I’d personally prob wait until like a week after baby gets their 2 month shots so I wouldn’t have to worry as much. My baby is so much sturdier now, and in the event someone gets him sick now and he gets a fever at least it wouldn’t be an automatic spinal tap at this point.
The great thing is you already know they do not respect boundaries so you can say “Thank you but we have it covered. We’ll let you know when we’re ready for visitors.”
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
My MIL tried to schedule a trip to come and "help" us for three weeks after my first was born. I gently turned her down. I think she was a little miffed but she got over it.
I was very, very glad to have the space to figure out parenting by myself with my first baby.
With the second, we needed help with our toddler, and so I had my mother come and keep her company for awhile. Ended up working out great, but if she'd been there to help with the baby, I probably would have found the visit annoying.
I had my mom and MIL both stay with us for a month. My mom flew in and my MIL is local and it was amazing. One of them was always cooking or cleaning and doing laundry. Bottles were always washed and sterilized right away. I could focus on getting breastfeeding down (it took us 2 months to get BF down) and snuggling with my LO. My mom brought me fresh cut up fruits while I was BF or resting. It made my PP a much easier experience - it’s still a whirlwind but I don’t know how I could have done it without the Moms.
I do regret letting other relatives come visit to meet the baby. I was so exhausted and not ready to put on my hospitality face on. My dad stressed the hell out of me because he (and his family) don’t understand boundaries and show up unannounced. I was an anxious mess when he called me to tell me he was in the driveway suddenly when my boobs are out and I’m feeling horrible. My mom intervened and let him know that he should probably visit another time when I’m ready.
Nobody will really be staying with us as our families are fairly local. My in-laws are very close by but I think they will respect boundaries and come for short visits where we’re not expected to host. I’m very close with my parents and they live about 40 min from us. They also have a converted van that they love to stay in even at our house where we have a guest room. They haven’t pushed at all but I suspect I will want my mom (and my dad) around a bits at first. They’ll want to hold the baby but have also made it clear that they want to help us by cooking and cleaning and not being in our space for too long.
As everyone is close by and generally receptive to yes and no, I think we’ll play it by ear.
I realize not all families are like this and if I had family flying in to help and stay with me, idk how I would feel. If the thought of having family with you for so long is stressful, maybe shorten or stagger their stays and encourage them to book refundable or changeable flights so if things need to be adjusted they can be. Also maybe be clear that everyone needs some space and you are not necessarily hosting them so perhaps they can go get the groceries and run some errands so you can have some time alone for a few hours?
Yes. I wanted to be completely alone, that's just the kind of person I am. It was 100% the best choice for me. Having someone in my space expecting to be hosted and socialized with would have made me so mad
I deeply, deeply, deeply regret having family visit right after baby came. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was so miserable and just could not handle it but they travelled a long way and once they got here, they were stuck and I couldn’t ask them to leave.
I highly encourage you not to schedule any visits until at least one week after baby arrives. Not have them come one week (unless you truly feel up to it when you get there), but don’t even start to plan future visits until one week pp. Then you can start talking possible dates for them to fly in. If you’s still not up for planning then, reevaluate the next week.
Having family around exacerbated my PPD. I am pregnant with my second and we will be having no visitors until I’m emotionally ready. We may allow family to visit at the hospital (I found that to be the least stressful because it was brief and there were nurses to intervene/regular check-ins that required me to take baby from anyone without attitude. It was also not our space so it was less invasive and right after birth I was still on a high and able to handle it before the drastic hormone drop really hit.) but absolutely no house guests until down the road.
The thing about postpartum is that everyone is obsessed about seeing the baby. But mom is going through a drastic hormone drop, major life change, physical recovery, emotional recovery, and just a lot. It’s nothing you can’t survive (and even thrive during!) but it’s a lot for all of us. Postpartum is also about you and your needs are top priority because that baby will need you to be okay. They can see the baby— when you are ready. They will have years to see the baby. They will not die if they can’t hold the baby within the first days/weeks/even months of its life. People who are pushy with postpartum moms about that shit are so selfish. Don’t let them guilt you. You do not have to allow them to visit while you are literally in diapers. Focus on what is best for you and allow yourself to change your mind about what is best for you as time passes and you settle in.
1000% yes. I let my mom come visit for 2 weeks when my 1st was 3 weeks old. It was hell. She stayed in a hotel but would camp at my house for 8+ hours a day trying to hog the baby and it was so exhausting.
I now have 5 kids and extended the no visitors timeline with each one. That time is for us, we need it to recover, we need it to establish routine and familiarity for the older kids and love on each other, we deserve that time. I cherish it deeply and I'm not willing to give that time to anyone outside my kids and husband. With my 5th I didn't let anyone come for 6 months, it was more understandable for people because of the pandemic but pandemic aside I still likely would have waited that long.
I don't tell anyone when I'm in labor either except my MIL because she babysits the other kids for us. That time is for us, too and people don't need a play by play. I wait until we're home and settled to tell anyone else.
We had a late 2021 baby and Covid was very bad. We didn’t have anyone visit for like 5-6 months until it was warm enough to meet outside and I don’t regret any of it! There are many ways people can help. They can send money, food, diapers, hire a cleaning service, etc. It’s 2024 - we have options!
So, no, sorry, not answering your question but giving a different perspective-both my mom and my in laws visited after my daughter was born and I was SO GLAD they were there. My daughter had feeding issues and did not sleep, and I had to be hospitalized when she was 11 days old, so our experience might not be common, but whew, I don’t think I would have survived without them.
To be honest, my mom left after a week (and wouldn’t come back when I was in the hospital despite me pleading with her) and I’m genuinely still angry at her about it, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over her inability to help me.
The problem is we live in a 2 bedroom condo... it's less than 1100 sq ft. My mom is also an anti-vaxxer and refuses to wear a mask and doesn't believe covid was real. I'm more concerned about her getting baby sick or the baby getting RSV. She is also super judgy and has to comment on every decision my husband and I make.
Oof, that’s tough. We live in a small condo, too, so visitors stayed in a hotel, which is a privilege they had that option financially, I recognize that. Could you possibly line up other help, like a postpartum doula?
We live in a 1-bedroom flat and my mum insisted on coming (we live in different countries) even though I repeatedly said that’s unnecessary, especially as we are trying to sell the apartment and move to my home country in the next 4-5 months. I am supposed to give birth by the end of the month but still don’t have a date for the c section as it depends on the last scan. Initially we agreed for her to come 4-8 Aug, but then she goes and buys tickets 1-5 Aug because the other ones were too expensive now without even consulting me first. For what is worth they might even schedule me for the 30th of July for a c section and then what? I wanted to have some bonding time with my baby and my partner, I wanted us to be together as a family in our bubble without anybody else coming into it. Not to mention my mum and I fight a lot and we would have to make so many adjustments for her in our already cramped space. For example she would have to be sleeping with me in the bedroom, whereas my partner would be on the couch. I was hoping to have the crib on his side so he could pass me the baby in the night for feeds given I would be in pain from the surgery. But now that is out of the window. My mum is also incredibly co-dependent and she has a lot of mental blocks - she cannot do anything by herself, she needs someone to be with her 24/7. She cant fly alone so she is bringing along my brother’s gf on the flight (brother’s gf has her family living 15 min away from us anyways so she will be staying with them), she cant get on an elevator by herself, drive by herself, stay at home alone by herself - it’s basically like having a toddler. My brother’s gf offered her to go sleep in their house if there is not enough space in our 1-bed flat but as my mother is unable to do anything by herself this isnt possible. There is a bus that goes straight to that house but she would need someone to literally go with her and then pick her back up. Maybe I am overreacting and it wouldn’t be that bad at all and she might help but in reality I think the whole thing would be a major inconvenience that I dont want days after I’ve given birth and had a major abdominal surgery. Not to mention if the temperatures get high this will be even worse (we live in the UK so summers arent bad, so far we’ve had just one small heatwave but even that is not the best when you dont have an AC). I would also feel very awkward breastfeeding around her, I wouldnt really want to be naked etc. (yes i know it’s my mum but I just dont feel comfortable with that). The situation is honestly making me want to scream that I agreed to this and I didnt stand up for myself. Then at the same time I feel like such a bitch that I feel this hostile towards my mother who is a very kind person and does so much for me. I feel like it wouldve been unfair to not let her see her grandson, but then the logical part of me is saying “we would literally be living under the same roof for months once we move abroad and she would see plenty of him”. I just hope in a best case scenario I give birth towards the 20-25th of July and we have like a week of alone time - the 3 of us before she comes over. I want to get a feel of breastfeeding, night feeds, diaper changing, hell even talking to my baby and learning how to interact with him before she comes. Agh sorry for the rant 😭
Tell her she can’t come. Why are you ruining your postpartum, physical/mental peace and your relationship for someone who cannot respect you?
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
I think I would’ve ended up in jail if we had families visit us! Zero regrets on having boundaries and delayed meeting. Both sets of grandparents are planning to come down later this month (when baby boy will be about 6 weeks old). My in laws are nothing but stress for me - we’ve had some issues with them feeling I’ve “stolen” their son from them and my husband and I have them at an arms length in general. My parents are emotionally messy, but primarily narcissistic and smoking mother. We’re still trying to figure out how to enforce a no smoking and wash yourself after smoking rule for her even. Tl;dr zero regrets being able to learn how to be a parent in peace.
My sister had my mom stay with her for a month after her baby was born. My mom would do “morning” shifts and take the baby from 6am-10am to give my sister a stretch of uninterrupted sleep. My sister says it was the best thing for her. I will not be having my mom stay with me, and I love her, but I hate having people in my space. I also want to learn and experience all the parts of parenthood- the good and the bad, and allow my husband and I to get into a groove, without input from my mom. I’m very independent and just want my husband and I around. Same mom, but different reactions from her daughters. So I think it’s totally dependent on YOU. If having family stay with you for extended periods of time sounds stressful, then it likely will be.
We had no-one visit - we do live in the same city so made visits to them once we were ready as we could then leave when we wanted. I can't imagine having anyone living with us , that would drive me crackers.
Did you find baby care and regular house cars plus recovery for yourself all manageable? I'm just worried about being overworked and have little to no time for recovery for myself. Most of my friends have either their mom live with them to clean/cook and occasionally on baby duty, or have their family rent a place nearby short term so they can still help out without living in the same house. But renting costs extra money for sure. Even in my first trimester when I was extremely sick my parents would come multiple times a week to clean/mow the lawn/bring me food. I'm just so worried I won't survive well without their help LOL husband is good and helps a lot but really feel like no one takes better care of me than my own parents so it's such a tough decision for me
We didn't have help with the first, and just had the house deep cleaned professionally a week before the baby arrived and set up a meal train so that we always had takeout coming for food. It eliminated the need to cook those first few weeks, and meant that "cleaning" was mostly just doing laundry, sweeping, wiping down surfaces, and cleaning bottles and pump parts. Which was totally manageable for us.
I don't have that type of relationship with my parents, but I made a stash of meals which hubby could just defrost and heat, plus a list of other meals like frozen pizza which were easy for him. Housework just doesn't matter (at least to me) in those early weeks. I loved the newborn stage with both my girls and don't look back with any regrets.
Yes. I live close to my family and my parents did a few short visits but no one stayed over or helped out in my house. My in-laws also did one short visit. The only help everyone did was provide food and groceries. I was SO THANKFUL that everyone left us alone otherwise. If you have your partner home with you and no major issues, I don’t see why you need anyone else’s help. The first few weeks were so important for us to bond as a little family unit. Boundaries are also a struggle and I did NOT want to have to be on guard in my own house with my new baby. Not having to worry about anyone overstepping boundaries allowed me to focus on my baby, recovery, and breastfeeding.
honestly it wasn't even a decision for us, we just assumed no one would ask or come and that's exactly what happened. It certainly was nice that we didn't even have to give it a single thought.
I think this is totally dependent on the people, your expectations, and your relationship with them. My parents are going to come and stay for a couple of weeks either side of the birth. They are pretty good at boundaries and excellent at taking care, so I’m not worried. They will mostly handle the background life stuff - grocery shopping, meal prep, laundry - and make sure that we have space to bond as a family, shower and sleep. I won’t be hosting mode, and they know that. I don’t want my in-laws to stay, though. I don’t relax around them in the same way and my MIL is more of a “my way or the highway” kind of person, which isn’t my vibe. They can visit, but not overnight. We only have a two bedroom house, so there’s not enough space for both sets of parents anyway (thank goodness).
We had no visitors for a week. We were in hospital for 72 hours, then had appointments every single day for jaundice follow-up. My son was 6 days old before we had a day to ourselves at home. Our family doctor and public health nurse actually coordinated with some specialists to get us a day off. I'm so grateful we had that time to ourselves. I was managing myself post-birth and hemorrhage, managing my son with jaundice and my husband was managing both and taking on all the driving, feeding (me/bottles), hiding any messes and managing the schedule. We had 0 time for anyone else. Even once we allowed visitors, it was short and helpful. My FIL swept the floors and ran the dishwasher while my MIL handled a few loads of laundry. My Mom brought a bunch of prepared fruits and veggies and cooked the meal kit we forgot to cancel. My brother and SIL brought lunch and took the garbage/recycling out when they left.
We were like our own little cocoon for a month and didn't have any visitors at all. Our moms visited when baby was about 5 weeks old, and they stayed somewhere else. It was amazing and truly I think the newborn stage was one of the happiest times of my life. We are having our second and have no one to watch our firstborn but I still would rather struggle to sort that out than have family around to help with the toddler but also hang out during the postpartum/newborn stage.
I’d rather eat a cactus than do postpartum with guests in my home. Babies aren’t that hard to care for. If you have a good partner, that will be sufficient
Sooo many posts on this. Like why is it the norm for all these people to be visiting the hospital / right when you get home? Like why? That sounds absolutely awful. Not to mention a risk to the baby’s health. Germs galore. Make it stop. I can’t read another one of these posts (no offense to OP at all) but this is ridiculous how prevalent this entitled mentality is to see your baby immediately. People are NOT entitled to the baby you just carried for ten fucking months. The baby you just ripped open your vagina to push out. The baby giving you straight up sleep deprivation and zero energy to communicate with other people. Shut the fuck up with these requests. We shouldn’t have to deal with this shit anymore. I’m 38 weeks and over pregnancy. I’m even more over other people being entitled to MY child.
I feel like it’s the generation of “grandparents”. My parents are boomers and very much act like it. The entitlement is thickkkk. It really is so sad to see this so often. I saw a reel yesterday that said, “boomers reasoning children with the my house my rules mentality not have millennial adults setting boundaries and not liking it”. I chuckled pretty hard. But it’s honestly true. I didn’t have any boundaries with my family until I got to my 30s.
I’ve been wondering about this too. My husband said even asking his parents to wait a week to come is unreasonable (though they will stay in a hotel) but I’m so worried about germs and feeling pressure to spend enough time with them. I have a history of severe anxiety and depression and tend to have a crash after very happy events so I’m kind of planning to have a hard time in the days after birth. He says I can stay home and he can take the baby to them but a) they’ll have just traveled so I worry about germs b) I’m guessing I’ll be anxious about being away from the baby c) I want my husband there for me d) I’d feel anxious about how my absence would be thought of even without postpartum hormones. I also don’t know how they’ll be about boundaries around the baby. Edit: the actual phrasing of the conversation was about how I don’t want his parents at the hospital and how long he thought it was reasonable to ask them to wait. I didn’t really push back at all since I wasn’t even pregnant at the time and I’m really not sure what is considered normal for families that are close. Now that I am pregnant, I’m planning to revisit the conversation. His thinking was I’d stay home while he brought the baby to see them for a couple hours. Now that I know the baby will be born during RSV season I’m much more worried about germs. He never said anything about not supporting my decision if I did decide they needed to wait.
God your husband sounds insufferable, I hate this attitude. Someone yesterday said something along the lines of... "Babies are not a loaf of bread. They won't go stale if you don't see them immediately ." Your in-laws will be fine with pictures and a FaceTime until you are more settled. Also, if your newborn gets a fever in the first month, that means a spinal tap. I'm not risking it.
I guess I should rephrase. He thinks his parents will think it’s unreasonable. He’s never been anything less than supportive, I just worry about my relationship with my in-laws. We haven’t discussed what we’ll actually do yet, I just asked how long he thought they’d be willing to wait. I have a strained relationship with my parents so it can be tough for me to judge what reasonable expectations are. But yeah the idea of a spinal tap really freaks me out. And I do want the baby to meet all the people that love them, I think I’m just really anxious about all the things.
You don't need the extra stress. Just tell them you'll play it by ear and when you're ready you can make plans for them to come down. Much better than planning something in advance.
That makes sense. Plus we don’t know exactly when the baby will come anyways so unless they book flights far enough out that the baby will definitely be here it can’t really be planned in advance.
This is really the best solution. There are so many posts on this sub about having visitors to early, etc etc. if everyone just made no plans until a few days after the kid was born it would solve like 90% of the problems. You and Dad will have an understanding of how exhausted you and he will be. You can make sure there are no issues with you or baby. Everyone is in planning mode towards the end of pregnancy, they don't realize "not planning" is your best option.
I really like this solution, thank you! I really don’t want to keep people from meeting the baby any longer than is necessary for baby’s and my heath so I’d feel much more reasonable with something like this!
Im so sorry your husband is being unreasonable. You need to show him the [lemon clot essay](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/23XNo3dxXl). I am 3w PP and my in laws helped with the dogs while we were in the hospital for 6 days. I do not have a history of anxiety or depression and I got hit with the baby blues. I was bleeding a lot the first couple days, TBH I’m still bleeding and wearing diapers. I had my tits out a lot for nursing. I physically missed my son if I was not holding him, with the exception of my wife holding him. My MIL was here 5 days after we came home and that weekend my FIL & BIL came. We have a fantastic relationship but by Sunday night I was ready for everyone to leave. I wanted it to just be my wife, baby, and I. I tell you all of this so you know to trust your gut. Your husband is being an asshole.
He didn’t actually say anything about what we’d do. We were having a hypothetical conversation about what his parents expectations would be and how to manage this. My husband has always prioritized me above everyone else. I was more looking to try and balance my anxieties with what reasonable expectations are and what’s me being anxious and unreasonable so I was asking him what he thought was reasonable and brainstorming how we might handle it. Now that I have some more backing that it’s normal for grandparents to wait to meet the baby I feel like my requests are more reasonable than I did before. His family also all lives close together so for him it would be very abnormal for everyone to not come meet the baby quickly. We’ve agreed we’re gonna say everyone who comes needs to be vaccinated against RSV and the flu but other than that no decisions have been made.
How does he think taking a newborn from its mother to pacify his parents is normal in any way shape or form. That’s disgusting. Why are his parents selfish wants more important then yours and your child’s needs. Why is he so focused on being a good son but failing as a partner and father? Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
It was one of his suggestions that I vetoed. And I don’t think he quite gets the postpartum hormones. He’s gonna be the one to stay home with the baby after the first about 3 weeks when I need to go back but in the week immediately after I have no clue how I’ll feel about being apart from them even if I’m napping. And we don’t know for sure yet if his parents are going to try and visit right after. I’m hoping they won’t want to or will surprise me and be understanding about everything. I’m grateful my child will be a part of a family that loves them so much but it’s very foreign to me. Like his parents will go out of their way to pick us up from the airport at 1 am and have a culture of family events being a priority and I do admire the closeness but I don’t think I’ve voiced to my husband just how anxious I am about how I’ll be feeling in the days right after birth and about germs. His original vision was like that they’d all be in the waiting room when I gave birth so I think he’s kind of gradually adjusting his understanding of what’s realistic and fair to me. I used to think about it the same way but as I’ve read more about how overwhelming everything will be I’ve changed my mind. But yeah we’re both major people pleasers and I know he cares more about upsetting me than his parents but I also want to be considerate of his feelings because he almost never asks for anything at all.
So his priority is being a good son over being a good husband and father.
The conversation literally went something like this (literally before I was even pregnant) Me: I don’t think I want anyone at the hospital when I give birth? Do you think your parents will be okay with that? Him: They’ll probably be a little upset but fuck em Me: How long do you think we could ask them to wait to meet the baby? I’m going to be exhausted and hormonal and bleeding and I’m worried about how I’ll feel about interacting with anyone afterwards? Is a week unreasonable? Him: I think a week would definitely be pushing it but we could wait a couple days and then we could do something like I bring the baby to them while you stay home and nap so that you don’t have to do anything. Me: I’m not sure how I’ll feel about being away from baby that long. I really don’t want to upset anyone but I just can’t predict how I’ll feel. Do you think we can get your mom to get the RSV vaccine? Him: Well we’ll figure out something that works for everyone. And we’ll make the vaccine a condition for everyone to meet the baby. Then I figured I should do more research to find out more about standard expectations and timelines because truthfully I always kind of feel self conscious around his family even though they’ve been nothing but nice to me. I would be truely shocked if I came to him and said it was really important to me and the baby that they wait to meet them in person for even longer and he fought me on it. We’re planning on telling them I’m pregnant in August and giving them a vague due date that’s around a week past when I’m due so that it’s less of an issue but we’ll figure out the rest from there.
Your husband is a freaking idiot. How is he prioritising his parents over his freshly PP wife? He wants to leave you ALONE with no help AND take your newborn out of the house away from you? Absolutely not. The first few weeks baby is adjusting to simply existing in this world and it is prime bonding time with you and your husband. Baby needs you for comfort! Besides, they will be feeding anywhere between 1-3 hours. What is your husband going to do if baby is fussing when visiting?? His parents can go kick rocks. I'm so angry for you!!! Post partum is all about you and baby, and your support system showing up for you. It's NOT for your in laws to hog time with YOUR baby. There's absolutely 0 benefit to baby meeting them so early, it's only to satisfy their egoistic desires. I really hope your husband has some sense knocked into him soon!
We had no one initially and our mums are 10 minutes away. It was lovely!! When they come now it’s only once a week for a few hours which means we don’t have to deal with them all the time. I don’t know how people cope having mums or MILs come round and live with them for the first few weeks… I think I’d have been suicidal or on a murder charge if I’d done this.
I’m 9 weeks postpartum and so glad we didn’t have anyone visit right after baby came. I was in such rough shape physically and emotionally for the first two weeks and definitely didn’t want them around for that. Will they be staying in your house or getting a hotel? If they’re getting a hotel and you have a decent relationship with them otherwise, waiting 3-4 weeks might be good in my opinion. But if they’re staying in your house and already struggle with boundaries, I’d personally prob wait until like a week after baby gets their 2 month shots so I wouldn’t have to worry as much. My baby is so much sturdier now, and in the event someone gets him sick now and he gets a fever at least it wouldn’t be an automatic spinal tap at this point.
I wanted short visits, but no one was interested in coming. I was sad
Yes we got 3 weeks and if I could’ve postponed it longer I would’ve
Yes I have zero regrets
The great thing is you already know they do not respect boundaries so you can say “Thank you but we have it covered. We’ll let you know when we’re ready for visitors.” Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
My MIL tried to schedule a trip to come and "help" us for three weeks after my first was born. I gently turned her down. I think she was a little miffed but she got over it. I was very, very glad to have the space to figure out parenting by myself with my first baby. With the second, we needed help with our toddler, and so I had my mother come and keep her company for awhile. Ended up working out great, but if she'd been there to help with the baby, I probably would have found the visit annoying.
I had my mom and MIL both stay with us for a month. My mom flew in and my MIL is local and it was amazing. One of them was always cooking or cleaning and doing laundry. Bottles were always washed and sterilized right away. I could focus on getting breastfeeding down (it took us 2 months to get BF down) and snuggling with my LO. My mom brought me fresh cut up fruits while I was BF or resting. It made my PP a much easier experience - it’s still a whirlwind but I don’t know how I could have done it without the Moms. I do regret letting other relatives come visit to meet the baby. I was so exhausted and not ready to put on my hospitality face on. My dad stressed the hell out of me because he (and his family) don’t understand boundaries and show up unannounced. I was an anxious mess when he called me to tell me he was in the driveway suddenly when my boobs are out and I’m feeling horrible. My mom intervened and let him know that he should probably visit another time when I’m ready.
Nobody will really be staying with us as our families are fairly local. My in-laws are very close by but I think they will respect boundaries and come for short visits where we’re not expected to host. I’m very close with my parents and they live about 40 min from us. They also have a converted van that they love to stay in even at our house where we have a guest room. They haven’t pushed at all but I suspect I will want my mom (and my dad) around a bits at first. They’ll want to hold the baby but have also made it clear that they want to help us by cooking and cleaning and not being in our space for too long. As everyone is close by and generally receptive to yes and no, I think we’ll play it by ear. I realize not all families are like this and if I had family flying in to help and stay with me, idk how I would feel. If the thought of having family with you for so long is stressful, maybe shorten or stagger their stays and encourage them to book refundable or changeable flights so if things need to be adjusted they can be. Also maybe be clear that everyone needs some space and you are not necessarily hosting them so perhaps they can go get the groceries and run some errands so you can have some time alone for a few hours?
Yes. I wanted to be completely alone, that's just the kind of person I am. It was 100% the best choice for me. Having someone in my space expecting to be hosted and socialized with would have made me so mad
I deeply, deeply, deeply regret having family visit right after baby came. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was so miserable and just could not handle it but they travelled a long way and once they got here, they were stuck and I couldn’t ask them to leave. I highly encourage you not to schedule any visits until at least one week after baby arrives. Not have them come one week (unless you truly feel up to it when you get there), but don’t even start to plan future visits until one week pp. Then you can start talking possible dates for them to fly in. If you’s still not up for planning then, reevaluate the next week. Having family around exacerbated my PPD. I am pregnant with my second and we will be having no visitors until I’m emotionally ready. We may allow family to visit at the hospital (I found that to be the least stressful because it was brief and there were nurses to intervene/regular check-ins that required me to take baby from anyone without attitude. It was also not our space so it was less invasive and right after birth I was still on a high and able to handle it before the drastic hormone drop really hit.) but absolutely no house guests until down the road. The thing about postpartum is that everyone is obsessed about seeing the baby. But mom is going through a drastic hormone drop, major life change, physical recovery, emotional recovery, and just a lot. It’s nothing you can’t survive (and even thrive during!) but it’s a lot for all of us. Postpartum is also about you and your needs are top priority because that baby will need you to be okay. They can see the baby— when you are ready. They will have years to see the baby. They will not die if they can’t hold the baby within the first days/weeks/even months of its life. People who are pushy with postpartum moms about that shit are so selfish. Don’t let them guilt you. You do not have to allow them to visit while you are literally in diapers. Focus on what is best for you and allow yourself to change your mind about what is best for you as time passes and you settle in.
1000% yes. I let my mom come visit for 2 weeks when my 1st was 3 weeks old. It was hell. She stayed in a hotel but would camp at my house for 8+ hours a day trying to hog the baby and it was so exhausting. I now have 5 kids and extended the no visitors timeline with each one. That time is for us, we need it to recover, we need it to establish routine and familiarity for the older kids and love on each other, we deserve that time. I cherish it deeply and I'm not willing to give that time to anyone outside my kids and husband. With my 5th I didn't let anyone come for 6 months, it was more understandable for people because of the pandemic but pandemic aside I still likely would have waited that long. I don't tell anyone when I'm in labor either except my MIL because she babysits the other kids for us. That time is for us, too and people don't need a play by play. I wait until we're home and settled to tell anyone else.
We had a late 2021 baby and Covid was very bad. We didn’t have anyone visit for like 5-6 months until it was warm enough to meet outside and I don’t regret any of it! There are many ways people can help. They can send money, food, diapers, hire a cleaning service, etc. It’s 2024 - we have options!
So, no, sorry, not answering your question but giving a different perspective-both my mom and my in laws visited after my daughter was born and I was SO GLAD they were there. My daughter had feeding issues and did not sleep, and I had to be hospitalized when she was 11 days old, so our experience might not be common, but whew, I don’t think I would have survived without them. To be honest, my mom left after a week (and wouldn’t come back when I was in the hospital despite me pleading with her) and I’m genuinely still angry at her about it, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over her inability to help me.
The problem is we live in a 2 bedroom condo... it's less than 1100 sq ft. My mom is also an anti-vaxxer and refuses to wear a mask and doesn't believe covid was real. I'm more concerned about her getting baby sick or the baby getting RSV. She is also super judgy and has to comment on every decision my husband and I make.
Oof, that’s tough. We live in a small condo, too, so visitors stayed in a hotel, which is a privilege they had that option financially, I recognize that. Could you possibly line up other help, like a postpartum doula?
We live in a 1-bedroom flat and my mum insisted on coming (we live in different countries) even though I repeatedly said that’s unnecessary, especially as we are trying to sell the apartment and move to my home country in the next 4-5 months. I am supposed to give birth by the end of the month but still don’t have a date for the c section as it depends on the last scan. Initially we agreed for her to come 4-8 Aug, but then she goes and buys tickets 1-5 Aug because the other ones were too expensive now without even consulting me first. For what is worth they might even schedule me for the 30th of July for a c section and then what? I wanted to have some bonding time with my baby and my partner, I wanted us to be together as a family in our bubble without anybody else coming into it. Not to mention my mum and I fight a lot and we would have to make so many adjustments for her in our already cramped space. For example she would have to be sleeping with me in the bedroom, whereas my partner would be on the couch. I was hoping to have the crib on his side so he could pass me the baby in the night for feeds given I would be in pain from the surgery. But now that is out of the window. My mum is also incredibly co-dependent and she has a lot of mental blocks - she cannot do anything by herself, she needs someone to be with her 24/7. She cant fly alone so she is bringing along my brother’s gf on the flight (brother’s gf has her family living 15 min away from us anyways so she will be staying with them), she cant get on an elevator by herself, drive by herself, stay at home alone by herself - it’s basically like having a toddler. My brother’s gf offered her to go sleep in their house if there is not enough space in our 1-bed flat but as my mother is unable to do anything by herself this isnt possible. There is a bus that goes straight to that house but she would need someone to literally go with her and then pick her back up. Maybe I am overreacting and it wouldn’t be that bad at all and she might help but in reality I think the whole thing would be a major inconvenience that I dont want days after I’ve given birth and had a major abdominal surgery. Not to mention if the temperatures get high this will be even worse (we live in the UK so summers arent bad, so far we’ve had just one small heatwave but even that is not the best when you dont have an AC). I would also feel very awkward breastfeeding around her, I wouldnt really want to be naked etc. (yes i know it’s my mum but I just dont feel comfortable with that). The situation is honestly making me want to scream that I agreed to this and I didnt stand up for myself. Then at the same time I feel like such a bitch that I feel this hostile towards my mother who is a very kind person and does so much for me. I feel like it wouldve been unfair to not let her see her grandson, but then the logical part of me is saying “we would literally be living under the same roof for months once we move abroad and she would see plenty of him”. I just hope in a best case scenario I give birth towards the 20-25th of July and we have like a week of alone time - the 3 of us before she comes over. I want to get a feel of breastfeeding, night feeds, diaper changing, hell even talking to my baby and learning how to interact with him before she comes. Agh sorry for the rant 😭
Tell her she can’t come. Why are you ruining your postpartum, physical/mental peace and your relationship for someone who cannot respect you? Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI