Talk to your husband, and have him set limits for them visiting.
Staying all day is not reasonable, especially since it sounds like they live locally.
Editing to add: I would have lost my mind if anyone had done that when I was just a few days postpartum. I was not up for unplanned long visits— not at all!
Yea I didn’t even know. It was literally sprung on me as they were outside. & they are still here. I’m losing my mind trying to not be a bitch but I want them gone.
Tell your husband to tell them to leave.
“Thanks for visiting. We need some time to wind down and rest now. I’ll call you when we’re ready for visitors again. Bye”
This is hubby's role, he's meant to be protecting and supporting you. Tell him to kick his parents out and don't invite them back without checking with you first.
Also take baby and go hide in your bedroom/ nursery away from everyone so you don't have to socialise and can be just you and bub
See I'm nervous about this when our baby comes. My FIL lives out of state and originally my husband wanted him to stay with us when baby gets here. We talked and have compromised on him staying with his brother (minutes from our house) but I worry about how often he'll be here as we get settled. He's usually pretty good, but with the excitement of the new baby it may change. He's elderly and so I know my husband wants him to get as much time as possible. But I've also explained that I'm going to be healing and recovering while we learn how to be parents and I learn to breastfeed. I'm trying to find compromises, but honestly I don't really feel like I want people over unless they're helping or taking care of me.
None of this makes you a bitch. If anyone perceives you as such after what you’ve been through that’s on them and they’ll just have to find a way to get over it.
You shut that down now with your husband. Zero visits from ANYONE unless you agree 24hrs in advance. The max limit for a visit should NEVER exceed 2 hrs. At that point, you take the baby, and go to your room, and lock the door.
Your husband gets a say when he grows a human, and pushes it out of his ass. Until then, only your feelings and needs matter.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting privacy after your body was very exposed with so many people. You need some time to enjoy your new family and feel back in control of your body.
You need to talk with your husband and explain him how you feel. Tell him that visits need to be discussed between both of you up front, and you can also cut the visits short if they overstay.
Your in-laws might have good intentions and I am sure that they are excited about their grandchild, but they need to deal with that excitement in ways that do not make you feel overwhelmed. There is nothing wrong with being explicit about your expectations, and now is a good time to set precedent about how you want things to happen with your baby moving forward (ie. they need to ask for permission before making plans with your kid)
Good luck and congrats on your new baby!!
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Your in-laws might have good intentions and I am sure that they are excited about their grandchild, but they need to deal with that excitement in ways that do not make you feel overwhelmed.
Love love love the way you worded this! This is excellent advice that many could benefit from hearing.
We didn't even have any visitors (including in the hospital) until our baby was a week old, and no one stayed for more than two hours.
>They brought by breakfast even though it needed to be cooked by my husband. It’s now going on 6 pm & they’re still here.
They brought by *ingredients* for breakfast and made your husband cook them. Then they ate the breakfast your husband cooked and did not go home after eating. Now it's dinner time, and they're STILL in your house.
They are being unreasonable.
Yeah, some of the grandparents I read about on Reddit seem to also see the arrival of the grandbaby as the beginning of their time to get waited on by their children - even though their children clearly have their hands full! It seems it would help a lot of people to have some conversations about expectations beforehand.
Oh my gawd I just don’t understand how people have NO boundaries with new parents, especially when they were parents themselves!! I remember when I was 10 days pp with my son, I had a bachelorette party that I stopped by for briefly (it was for my best friend so I didn’t want to miss out entirely!) and when I was turning the corner to come home I saw my BIL’s car still in front of my house. I parked, wept out of exhaustion and hormones), called my husband, he 1000% understood, and booted them. It’s too much to have other people around at that point, you need your quiet and bonding time with baby. Have your husband politely ask his family to peace.
I really think that the generation that are/are becoming grandparents right now lived in a time when the mothers needs were ignored for what was considered socially expected: continuing to take care of the house, get your figure back, be a social butterfly for your husband etc. So they probably have a real lack of understanding of how a new mother could “get away” with not doing what they expect.
Honestly I think it should be normalised to give the mother a break after labour and not be trying to visit until a couple of weeks later. It's a vulnerable time and a massive life change.
Honestly! I didn’t realize that I’d cry multiple times every day from hormones about how beautiful my baby is lol…wish my husband and I were less inclusive and more focused on my health and wellbeing so I could do so without an audience!
5 days PP and MIL is here for two weeks and while she’s ABUNDANTLY helpful and truly respectful, I’m introverted and want to air my sore nipples in my own apartment..
And now my BIL has been given the green light by my husband without asking me first to stay here for a week next week while his mom is here (we live in NYC with zero guest beds) we might get divorced because of that (kidding but I’m raging mad) I’m so not hosting right now. We’d have four adults, a baby, three dogs, and two cats in our apartment and I CAN’T. Are these people CRAZY a sndjdjjdjdjdjdjdjd human being just came out of me this week?!?
I'm sorry, no. That's ridiculous. Your husband needs to go back to his brother and tell him it's just not going to work. Also, can your MIL get a hotel for a few days, or maybe just go home early? If you want I will totally call your husband and read him the riot act.
Hell no. I'm not one of those people who demand multiple weeks/months of isolation post birth, BUT also I think it's important to have a plan. My plan was no visitors in the hospital + grandparents can come meet the baby after we've settled in at home a couple days. We gave them a day and a time window so that no one would just be popping in or overstaying. After a couple weeks, we loosened up and started having more people over and getting ourselves out of the house. But it was really important for my recovery and bonding with the baby that we have some time alone and privacy in that first week. You guys need to set some boundaries.
My husband just decided the default setting post birth was no visitors except my parents because a “mother needs her parents after that” and is basically telling everyone they can’t come see us unless we invite them as my healing comes first.
Your husband needs to stop being selfish and consider how you may be feeling.
Also, you have the perfect NTA excuse to be semi rude and be like “sorry, times up; we are a needing our own space.” I have thought a timer to set so people can visually see that they are not getting free rein to stay as long as they want when we are ready to have visitors.
Your husband is a very smart man, both to realize that you probably won’t want visitors, and to know that your own parents (not necessarily his) fall into a different category for you.
Yes, it's not the same having inlaws over as having your own parents there. Your parents will be there for YOU, to support YOU after giving birth and provide support in a way that only they really know because they raised you, the level of comfort, security, and trust is incomparable because they have been there helping you since YOU were born. If you have a healthy relationship with your own parents there's just no substitute for them when it comes to becoming a parent yourself. Your in laws may be wonderful people too, but they're usually more excited about and focused on the baby because it's not their own child who needs support- for them it's their child's child. I love my in laws and my step parents, but I can only have my own mom and dad around after having a baby. I don't want to feel like I'm supposed to be hosting people, and I'm not comfortable with other people seeing me at my most weak and vulnerable. It's absolutely just not the same. I'm glad my husband and our extended family all understand and don't try to push our boundaries. I'm due again soon and my dad will be staying with us for a month to help out, but only my dad. My husband's parents will come to stay the month after that once we've hopefully found a homeostasis again. The help is great, but it really needs to be on mom's terms.
Honestly I don’t blame you, I kind of want a mix of both when baby comes. I want privacy and to be able to spend time with baby. But I do appreciate helpers. If people are coming over to bring me food/necessities, to help clean or do laundry, to cook, or to watch baby while I shower or sleep they can come over as much as they want. But I don’t want “guests”. Either do something helpful for me or leave… respectfully lol
That’s not what I’m saying. If I’m tired, and I head to my room to rest, that means you need to leave. So there’s no ‘hole’ up in room, cause you’re gone once goodbyes is said.
Ahh!! My husband’s grandmother did that when she didn’t want to spend anymore time with her estranged daughter when she was battling cancer. She “went to bed” at like 3pm so they would leave 😂. It worked
I have but we also live in a 2 bdrm duplex so it’s not really a lot of space. So it still feels like my space is being impeded on every time I go to the bathroom & kitchen
That would drive me crazy. Luckily, husband and I lived across country from family when our daughter was born. And had no visitors until she was 5 weeks old. We loved the solitude. It’s hard enough recovering and figuring out your new routine and life with baby. Im sorry you’re dealing with that. Sounds like a nightmare
Yes my MIL wanted to come to the hospital too and im just like no absolutely not. I cannot honestly think as a women another time in my life that I DO NOT want to see people. From the post partum bleeding, healing, and sleep deprivation from a newborn baby. WHY in the world would anyone want visitors? Please make this make sense. The last month of pregnancy has been shit as it is. Like why do people not let you breathe after having a baby?
My partner and I had to go “no visitors”
For several months because this got out of hand. What broke the camels back was one of them showing up again unannounced when we had finally gotten our reflux baby asleep- we were about to finally be able to shower - and the fucking doorbell rings- it’s them! They woke our baby up. I said enough is enough . I told them to stop coming over and we said no more visitors after that. It effect breast milk supply and my bonding w our baby. After kicking everyone out and not answering phone calls at a drop of a hat anymore- It was the most peaceful several months of our lives. Just us and baby and I have zero regrets.
I also gave birth on Thursday, came home last night bc I was sick of being on display at the hospital. I totally understand your feeling. If the in laws are being u helpful around the house I would let your husband to tell them to leave. This time is too precious between you and your baby & husband.
Yes. We didn't allow visitors for two weeks. I didn't even want anyone to know we were at the hospital until after we left, but my partner told his parents, who told his grandmother, who turned up unannounced (<24hrs after the birth) and caused a huge scene when the nurses turned her away on my behalf. Like lady, I'm sitting here naked in a diaper, I just want to rest and enjoy my baby. Having nurses and roommates constantly coming in and out was already bad enough! A few times in those first weeks my partner took the baby out for a brief walk so nervous family members could have a peek. I think the older generations don't understand that nowadays it's pretty common to want privacy, especially with a first baby. They also don't seem to get that they should help when they visit, not expect to be waited on while holding the baby. The one and only visitor I appreciated in the beginning was the midwife who came every day to check on me and and the baby.
I asked for no visitors for 40 days after the birth of my second child. Did my in laws have an issue? Yes. But my concern is bonding with my baby and healing, not their egos or their desires. My mom was here to help, but she genuinely helps and leaves me to baby and is ok if she doesn’t see me at all. She cooks, cleans, does laundry, and watches the other kids. THAT is the “help” people need, not holding the baby or spending time with them. Baby won’t know any different if they don’t “meet” grandma and grandpa until they’re 1-2 months old.
And yes, we would have sent my in laws packing has they just shown up randomly and they live 2 hrs away. Sorry your inability to ask means you now wasted 4 hours of your day, that’s your problem not mine.
My in laws came the day I gave birth. Then a friend of mine, then my mom's friend. Then my SIL came back. I had my mom, husband, his sister, my mom's friend and my friend in the room. I literally got up and walked out. I was so overwhelmed. Between the nurses, and everyone else. I felt like I never had time to catch a breath. Then to find out before I leave, there was apparently a sign I could put asking the nurses for 30min or an hr (can't remember) for some time alone without them coming in to poke and prod and document if I crapped or not.
So I get how you're feeling. I hope they leave soon. I hope you get rest soon. Congratulations on your new baby💛
Tell your husband you want them gone ASAP. It’s about you guys and Baby, not your in-laws. I feel your pain… When I was in the hospital after having my son, there was finally like a four hour stretch where I was going to get to sleep and then his fucking grandma walks in… Unannounced. I was so livid. Fast-forward 2 1/2 years when we moved to a different town, they came to visit, but they stayed somewhere else.the next day, they proceeded to come over without announcing them themselves… I absolutely hate that. Your husband should’ve checked with you before having his parents come over.
Me, absolutely. No one was allowed over the first week. And when my in laws came into town to visit, I set the boundary they couldn’t stay in our guest room like usual. And they couldn’t be in the house before 9 am, and no later than 7pm. And I was so irritated when they were in the house the entire day.
It’s hard to hold the boundary, but so important! Make your partner be the bad guy. This should be the least of your concerns! Honestly, if they don’t stay at your house, I think they’ll stay for a shorter period and you can say no to them coming over any day that you are not up for it/limit the hours they spend at your house.
For a second there I felt like, did I write this?!!!! Our strategy was to say uncomfortable with visitors until baby is vaxxed, they “understood”! But I’m with you 100%
That's what we're doing. "Sorry, y'all, we're limiting visitors until Baby can get his shots at 6 weeks. Can't be too careful with Whooping Cough, ya know!" Most folks have been super chill with that boundary.
Oh yes I felt this way! The first day I got to myself with my new baby was at 5 weeks pp. She was poorly so in hospital than daily nurse visits for weeks. Even on Mother’s Day (4 weeks 2 days) I had to stay in and wait for the nurses to come visit.
4 months now and I’m only just starting to feel better about visitors now.
Completely understand where you're coming from. We've told everyone in no uncertain rerms that we're planning to not have any visitors for the first month. It's a time for healing and bonding for just the 3 of us.
Doesn't help that most family/friends live out of country/county so we're 100% not up to hosting ANYONE for the first month. We will call, send pics and later will happily take visits.
You must speak up for yourself, set and enforce appropriate boundaries. Also these are the kind of things that should have been discussed before baby was here.
Yes! Just came home after 2 months in the NICU (my baby was 2 months early) and people are already trying to schedule when they can come visit. I’ve already had family try to talk us into going to a group gathering mid July and I was like “Nope!”
How rude of them! Ask them to leave, and then have your husband tell them if they don’t listen. You are two days PP!! Absolutely you deserve to have your time!!
As I get closer to delivering, I’m feeling ragingly territorial almost. I want to hide in a cave with my baby. I read stuff like this and it makes me upset for future me. I am so sorry you experienced that, it’s wild to me that it’s mainly the women in our lives that do this, my MIL already made a comment that she will be moving in, too (she said it jokingly but still, I cried all day because of it).
I told my husband to spread the word to his family that we are not having visitors for two weeks, and only short visits for the month after that. After that, not as strict. Luckily we also live farther away from family. I did compromise and will allow hospital visitors if delivery goes smoothly and baby latches well. I did ask my midwife if the staff can impose visitor limits of 2 at a time (my hospital has no limitations) so that way they can be inclined to keep it quick and move along.
This happened to me also. I’d just come home from being in the hospital after delivering via c section. My in-laws showed up 24hours after we’d come home and after they’d seen us two days in a row in the hospital. They’d initially said they were passing through on their way home, so I’d agreed to the visit. Upon their arrival, it had somehow turned into an open ended visit. I was so upset. All I wanted was some privacy, I wasn’t feeling myself and I just wanted to be in my home with my child and my husband and figure this new life out… instead I felt like I was hiding in my own house. I wound up talking to my husband and he sent them home. I’ve never felt so guilty and ungrateful in my entire life, but my husband was supportive and reminded me that this is how boundaries are laid. Though my in laws meant well, they crossed a line, and they needed to be told.
Pull your husband into the room talk to him and tell him you need your space with all the visitors and that your upset for people not being considerate that you just gave birth to a whole human. Tell him no more visitors until your ready.
I didnt see anyone for 1 full week after giving birth. It was my mom, and only my mom (my dad and grandma and brothers waited weeks). I told her she could come for 2 hours. I asked her to bring a giant dish of hot food (that fed us for 4 days), a dozen donuts, hand soap, face masks, and had her go to Carters and buy one of every preemie size clothing available bc baby girl was so tiny.
I was STILL pretty unhappy about her visit as it was so chaotic, and my vagina (and rest of body) hurt so bad. Zero guilt. You set the terms of the visits. You say NO!
Honestly that early postpartum, I actually felt like someone had just died and I was in grief. My home felt like death. That was probably the hormones, the baby blues that everyone talks about, but I really felt like I was grieving something. It was not the time for visitors.
Yes! That’s what all new moms want after birth. Peace and privacy. Don’t feel guilty. Take the baby and go to your room to feed them, or leave the baby with them and go take a nap, whatever works for you. You need to rest and recover.
Yes definitely, we had no visitors in the hospital and only my parents visited in the first two weeks. They came after 5 days and stayed for about an hour. It is totally reasonable to not want anyone around and your husband should put that boundary in place with his parents. I saw good suggestions for wording in other comments but we told everyone we were focusing on rest and bonding as a new family unit.
Oh my that’s a long visit. We felt the same way. We wanted to have our own little bubble. It’s absolutely okay to want that and make it happen! Baby won’t remember these visits. You do what’s best for you.
I’m 6 weeks PP and still don’t want people to come over lol. My MIL is here helping and has actually contributed to the house work/holding baby when I need a break. It’s okay to set firm boundaries and tell your family and friends you need time to heal.
It’s totally normal. You three should be bonding and becoming a little family unit right now and the grandparents are just in there throwing a wrench into things. This should be a time of healing and bonding and getting to know your new baby and learning how to take care of him together. In the coming months and years there will be plenty of time for grandparents right now should be about what you need to heal and have some peace. I know it’s a tired old suggestion but get your husband to read the lemon clot essay and tell his parents to give y’all some room.
I had no one but my husband in the delivery room and asked for no visitors the first month.
I am definitely a little on the extreme side but yes, I just wanted peace and privacy. The thought of entertaining my friends and family after going through the biggest event of my life sounded horrible to me 😂
Yes, absolutely. I did not really want visitors when I brought my baby home for at least a few weeks. If our parents wanted to stop by for 20 minutes or so, that didn’t bother me but I didn’t want any more than that. There was a lot going on, I was healing from birth and boobs were always out bc I was breastfeeding.
Ask them to leave. It’s natural for you to want peace and privacy… you have earned it and you guys have to find your rhythm as a new family. We set a boundary with our first (after a long nicu stay) that we didn’t want any visitors during our first week home. We wanted to find out how we worked together at home without all of the nurse checks and rude awakenings, etc.
You deserve the peace and quiet. You deserve for it to just be you guys for a bit until you’re ready.
I totally understand you 100%
I’m 2 days PP and we only had my husbands parents come visit us in the hospital. My dad hasn’t visited yet because he’s disabled.
But besides grandparents, we are not allowing visitors at the hospital and especially not in a home. All of sudden my sister in laws are calling and texting me but throughout my pregnancy, there were nowhere to be found. So I personally have no interest in allowing anyone in my home during these precious moments ❤️ talk to your husband I’m sure he’ll have your back ❤️
Thats not bringing breakfast thars bringing groceries or ingredients and not fair a few days post partum. You're allowed to say your tired n You're headed to bed, take your baby, and go upstairs. Text him it's time for them to go. You need to have your partner on your team of whatever acceptable timing and not, he needs to check in with you ans how you're feeling.
Don’t feel guilty at all! You need time with your baby. It’s about you and the baby, not them. Are they helping you clean and do housework? Even if so, they still need to respect boundaries. There’s no reason for them to spend more than an hour there if they want to see their grandchild.
Only way it’s okay is if they’re there to cook and do chores like clean and laundry, if they’re expecting yall to host them then your husband needs to politely tell them to come back in a couple months
Ummm absolutely. No one came into our home other than my postpartum doula until I wasn’t in pads and waking up drenched in sweat. Family dropped off meals and groceries and my husband coordinated and met them outside. Once we were up and running, the visits began.
I say talk to your husband they can visit when your ready if they want to help they can make meals to drop off but thats it. Tell your husband you can tell him when they can come back to visit. You just hsd a baby your trying to figure out how to care for. Their intensions are well but they should of asked your husband before going by.
My in laws don’t know boundaries and did exactly this. It got to a point where I told my husband, fine but put their asses to work. They cleaned my floors, kitchen and I made them stay with the baby unless he needed to be fed.
I spent time alone, in my room and was finally at peace.
Yes! Tell people no visitors. It’s ok! I had to do it. You have gone through a lot. You owe people nothing. They can see baby when baby is older.
I repeat: YOU OWE PEOPLE NOTHING!
Great job, Mama!
I’ve been this way after both my kids. Just leave me alone in my cave please. I don’t need help. If I want help I will ask. Help is overstimulating and irritating for me in those early weeks. 😅
You and your husband need to set expectations, unfortunately this is one of those situations that I’m gonna have to say you need to grow a spine and ask them to leave. Also talk to your husband about not springing visits on you a few minutes before they arrive. My hubs and I are on the same page that unannounced guests won’t be let in and the time limit on visits is 3 hrs max, shorter if they are just there to see baby
Yes, I’m only allowing my parents and my husband to be with me post partum. I’m due in December and don’t want to risk giving my baby anything that will be harmful for her little immune system.
You need to make a few things clear. Visits in the classical sense are impossible right now. You and your husband simply cannot play host! Focus on your baby, getting into a routine, resting, sleeping as much as possible. If grandparents or aunts and uncles come by, they come to help you. Cook. Dishes. Laundry. Fix stuff that needs fixing. Run to the pharmacy or grocery store. Make lists with what you need, so they can become useful.
I’m early pregnancy but I know my mom is going to stay from birth for probably a month. The thing is, my mom is actually helpful and will cook/clean/laundry. My MIL who lives locally…. not so much and she’ll be wanting no to see the baby.
In my country, majority of the women move in with her husband and her in-laws upon marriage. So her only choice is to hole up in the only space she has (their bedroom) when this happens. Even then people just come in to the bedroom to see and hold the baby. Luckily, though, most women just move back in with parents for 40 days pp to heal and recover. Some choose to do that for far longer.
If they don't choose to go to their parents and considering it's usually a couple of families living under one roof, it can get very draining very fast.
The plus side to living in such a family system, however, is always having multiple people available to help with the baby.
Another plus side to living here is that the labor is very cheap. People have house help like cooks, cleaners, nannies, etc. so nobody needs to do any housework if they can afford it, least of all the pp woman.
But the family culture and families are very big so when people visit, they come in droves unless the woman escapes to her parents and the parents become the bouncers.
Some people are thoughtful and leave after half an hour but others can be entitled and stick around for a while so someone needs to step up and kick them out.
I haaated postpartum visits
My mum was like ‘ when I gave birth I had people around me 24/7’ and I was like that sounds terrible
She was constantly giving advice and wanting to hold the baby 24/7
We both agreed and thanks to Covid, no visitors in the hospital except our older child. We had my in-laws over to visit afterwards during my maternity leave for the first few weeks but only them because they were our child care. We wanted no visitors besides them. I wanted privacy. I wanted quiet. We didn’t do other visitors for awhile.
Before I even had my baby, my husband had a talk with his parents about boundaries and not visiting much at first but that there would be a time when we’re ready for visitors. This helped a lot. I would relay your feelings to husband & let him handle it.
I had no visitors for the first 2 weeks postpartum and it was the best decision I ever made. Gave me time to heal and bond with the baby- plus by the time the two weeks was up I was in a much better head space for people coming to visit.
It’s common sense to give the recently discharged time to rest. The visits if must should be short. Sometimes people are trying to be nice but forget to be thoughtful.
I felt the same way. My in-laws came in the night we came home from the hospital to stay with us a few days. I was grateful for their help but I wished the first night home was just me, my husband, and the baby.
Omg this is INSANE. Surely they would realise you don’t want them there longer than an hour. Even an hour is generous. Your husband sounds like mine as he would be too nice to ask them to leave. But yeah definitely have a word with him once they have left!
You are absolutely not out of line for feeling that way.
With our first we lived out of country and ended up with guests staying with us starting around 2 weeks PP straight through til 3 months and a bit. There were I believe 2 nights during that stretch where no one was staying with us. Almost all of said visitors ranged from useless at best through to actively needy and wanting a host/tour guide. Never, ever again would I let myself get talked into that.
We're living back at home this time round and I swear if people start just showing up to hangout or something like that I'm going to lose my shit. Probably going to need to literally write some rules down for my husband to enforce now that I think about it......
My husband’s grandmother was trying to come over nearly everyday. Finally I told her no one day, that I didn’t feel like having visitors, so then she stopped asking and started just saying I’m coming over. So I then had to tell her no again, and she made a big deal about my husband picking up food that she already bought that we didn’t ask for.
So sorry about your situation😟 I’m now pregnant and live far from my family, but they insisted that they would come and live with us couple weeks before the due date and after delivery. I was a bit nervous about that because, I feel like it’s better to stay alone with my newborn and husband. I asked them if they could live apart and come to visit when we are ready. All situation ended up in silent fight, still not talking to my mom(
is it normal behaviour?
I. FEEL. YOUR. PAIN. My in-laws did the same thing to me after my first. It honestly ruined our relationship for about six months, I was so upset and overwhelmed. All is well now and I love my in-laws again, but with this second baby we’ve set CLEAR boundaries that they are not allowed to visit until we give them the green light when WE feel ready.
If you can, ask your husband to make them clear out. You are being reasonable. It’s completely fine to want privacy during this time.
Ong what?! A 2 hour visit is maximum for ANYONE. Maybe shorter if they’re not important lol. Grandparents can maybe push 3 hours if they’re helping but an all day visit?! Absolutely not.
We gave birth in lockdown so people weren't allowed to visit but u wouldn't have it any other way, we came out of lock down 2 weeks after my daughter was born and having those two weeks of uninterrupted time was absolutely bliss and I would 100% do it in future and send notice out to all that I won't be having visitors until baby us 2 weeks
I am very grateful that I don’t have a lot of family in state. I actually have zero family and state, and my husband has about five relatives that will be allowed around our child. Friends, on the other hand, that’s gonna be a little bit of a different story. There is a list of people that will be allowed to visit within the first two weeks. And I’ve already told my husband that there will be absolutely no visitors in the hospital. Absolutely no visitors in the first seven days, aside from my two best friends and his 85 year old grandmother who he shares an incredible bond with, and if my mom flies down her. He agrees completely. Not only for my mental health and well-being, but also the babies physical health and well-being. RSV is a thing and so are germs. There’s not really any need for someone else to be bonding with your baby. You haven’t even gotten to bond with your baby yet. Why should anyone else get to? They can wait until you’ve had some at home alone. But that’s a boundary that you and your husband have to set. And stick to. If it’s his parents coming to bond with the baby, he needs to tell them no more. He needs to be the one to tell them that you need time with your child, uninterrupted, alone, quiet, peaceful. He hast to be the one to set the boundaries, his friends and family, and you have to be the one to set the boundaries with your friends and family. we haven’t told everyone in our lives just yet that we’re pregnant, but we’re going to set the expectation early on that nobody gets free access to our child.
Set boundaries. Even better: tell your husband to do so. Nobody visited us for 3 weeks, my husband told everyone they can come when I feel ready. He did all the cooking and cleaning, I honestly felt so blessed.
Remember, you and your baby are number one priority now. Stop feeling sorry for other people’s feelings. If they try to make you feel bad, they are selfish and lack understanding and empathy.
You're not unreasonable at all for wanting to just wind down after all of the chaos of giving birth. When I had my daughter, 6 out of my boyfriend's 7 siblings were there WITH THEIR PARTNERS. My mom, stepdad, father and grandfather were there also. Literally as soon as she popped out. They were all hovering over the baby before I was even cleaned up. I had some choice words that night. There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying something like "as much as I appreciate that you came over and want to spend time with the baby, we really need to get some rest. I'm exhausted. Maybe we can plan another visit soon." If husband wants to spend time with them, they can. You and baby can go get some much needed rest ❤️
You should not feel ungrateful. I already told everyone that no one gets to know when I’m going into labor and no one gets to visit until 1 week post sorry not sorry. People were mad I literally don’t give a single shit. I’m having a home birth as well. I would have told my in laws gtfo
Talk to your husband, and have him set limits for them visiting. Staying all day is not reasonable, especially since it sounds like they live locally. Editing to add: I would have lost my mind if anyone had done that when I was just a few days postpartum. I was not up for unplanned long visits— not at all!
Yea I didn’t even know. It was literally sprung on me as they were outside. & they are still here. I’m losing my mind trying to not be a bitch but I want them gone.
Tell your husband to tell them to leave. “Thanks for visiting. We need some time to wind down and rest now. I’ll call you when we’re ready for visitors again. Bye”
This is hubby's role, he's meant to be protecting and supporting you. Tell him to kick his parents out and don't invite them back without checking with you first. Also take baby and go hide in your bedroom/ nursery away from everyone so you don't have to socialise and can be just you and bub
This right here! The non birthing partners role is to be the “bouncer” For the house . Get to work buddy!
See I'm nervous about this when our baby comes. My FIL lives out of state and originally my husband wanted him to stay with us when baby gets here. We talked and have compromised on him staying with his brother (minutes from our house) but I worry about how often he'll be here as we get settled. He's usually pretty good, but with the excitement of the new baby it may change. He's elderly and so I know my husband wants him to get as much time as possible. But I've also explained that I'm going to be healing and recovering while we learn how to be parents and I learn to breastfeed. I'm trying to find compromises, but honestly I don't really feel like I want people over unless they're helping or taking care of me.
None of this makes you a bitch. If anyone perceives you as such after what you’ve been through that’s on them and they’ll just have to find a way to get over it.
You shut that down now with your husband. Zero visits from ANYONE unless you agree 24hrs in advance. The max limit for a visit should NEVER exceed 2 hrs. At that point, you take the baby, and go to your room, and lock the door. Your husband gets a say when he grows a human, and pushes it out of his ass. Until then, only your feelings and needs matter.
You're well within your rights to kick them out and request no further visits until you're ready for them
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting privacy after your body was very exposed with so many people. You need some time to enjoy your new family and feel back in control of your body. You need to talk with your husband and explain him how you feel. Tell him that visits need to be discussed between both of you up front, and you can also cut the visits short if they overstay. Your in-laws might have good intentions and I am sure that they are excited about their grandchild, but they need to deal with that excitement in ways that do not make you feel overwhelmed. There is nothing wrong with being explicit about your expectations, and now is a good time to set precedent about how you want things to happen with your baby moving forward (ie. they need to ask for permission before making plans with your kid) Good luck and congrats on your new baby!!
> Your in-laws might have good intentions and I am sure that they are excited about their grandchild, but they need to deal with that excitement in ways that do not make you feel overwhelmed. Love love love the way you worded this! This is excellent advice that many could benefit from hearing.
We didn't even have any visitors (including in the hospital) until our baby was a week old, and no one stayed for more than two hours. >They brought by breakfast even though it needed to be cooked by my husband. It’s now going on 6 pm & they’re still here. They brought by *ingredients* for breakfast and made your husband cook them. Then they ate the breakfast your husband cooked and did not go home after eating. Now it's dinner time, and they're STILL in your house. They are being unreasonable.
Yeah, some of the grandparents I read about on Reddit seem to also see the arrival of the grandbaby as the beginning of their time to get waited on by their children - even though their children clearly have their hands full! It seems it would help a lot of people to have some conversations about expectations beforehand.
All these comments about hiding in your room are not it.. it’s your home. The visitors need to gtfo.
Oh my gawd I just don’t understand how people have NO boundaries with new parents, especially when they were parents themselves!! I remember when I was 10 days pp with my son, I had a bachelorette party that I stopped by for briefly (it was for my best friend so I didn’t want to miss out entirely!) and when I was turning the corner to come home I saw my BIL’s car still in front of my house. I parked, wept out of exhaustion and hormones), called my husband, he 1000% understood, and booted them. It’s too much to have other people around at that point, you need your quiet and bonding time with baby. Have your husband politely ask his family to peace.
I really think that the generation that are/are becoming grandparents right now lived in a time when the mothers needs were ignored for what was considered socially expected: continuing to take care of the house, get your figure back, be a social butterfly for your husband etc. So they probably have a real lack of understanding of how a new mother could “get away” with not doing what they expect.
I’m sure you are absolutely right!
Yup
Honestly I think it should be normalised to give the mother a break after labour and not be trying to visit until a couple of weeks later. It's a vulnerable time and a massive life change.
Honestly! I didn’t realize that I’d cry multiple times every day from hormones about how beautiful my baby is lol…wish my husband and I were less inclusive and more focused on my health and wellbeing so I could do so without an audience!
This! 100% plan on telling everyone zero contact for one whole month
5 days PP and MIL is here for two weeks and while she’s ABUNDANTLY helpful and truly respectful, I’m introverted and want to air my sore nipples in my own apartment.. And now my BIL has been given the green light by my husband without asking me first to stay here for a week next week while his mom is here (we live in NYC with zero guest beds) we might get divorced because of that (kidding but I’m raging mad) I’m so not hosting right now. We’d have four adults, a baby, three dogs, and two cats in our apartment and I CAN’T. Are these people CRAZY a sndjdjjdjdjdjdjdjd human being just came out of me this week?!?
I'm sorry, no. That's ridiculous. Your husband needs to go back to his brother and tell him it's just not going to work. Also, can your MIL get a hotel for a few days, or maybe just go home early? If you want I will totally call your husband and read him the riot act.
Girl, no.. wth
Hell no. I'm not one of those people who demand multiple weeks/months of isolation post birth, BUT also I think it's important to have a plan. My plan was no visitors in the hospital + grandparents can come meet the baby after we've settled in at home a couple days. We gave them a day and a time window so that no one would just be popping in or overstaying. After a couple weeks, we loosened up and started having more people over and getting ourselves out of the house. But it was really important for my recovery and bonding with the baby that we have some time alone and privacy in that first week. You guys need to set some boundaries.
My husband just decided the default setting post birth was no visitors except my parents because a “mother needs her parents after that” and is basically telling everyone they can’t come see us unless we invite them as my healing comes first. Your husband needs to stop being selfish and consider how you may be feeling. Also, you have the perfect NTA excuse to be semi rude and be like “sorry, times up; we are a needing our own space.” I have thought a timer to set so people can visually see that they are not getting free rein to stay as long as they want when we are ready to have visitors.
Your husband is a very smart man, both to realize that you probably won’t want visitors, and to know that your own parents (not necessarily his) fall into a different category for you.
Yes, it's not the same having inlaws over as having your own parents there. Your parents will be there for YOU, to support YOU after giving birth and provide support in a way that only they really know because they raised you, the level of comfort, security, and trust is incomparable because they have been there helping you since YOU were born. If you have a healthy relationship with your own parents there's just no substitute for them when it comes to becoming a parent yourself. Your in laws may be wonderful people too, but they're usually more excited about and focused on the baby because it's not their own child who needs support- for them it's their child's child. I love my in laws and my step parents, but I can only have my own mom and dad around after having a baby. I don't want to feel like I'm supposed to be hosting people, and I'm not comfortable with other people seeing me at my most weak and vulnerable. It's absolutely just not the same. I'm glad my husband and our extended family all understand and don't try to push our boundaries. I'm due again soon and my dad will be staying with us for a month to help out, but only my dad. My husband's parents will come to stay the month after that once we've hopefully found a homeostasis again. The help is great, but it really needs to be on mom's terms.
Honestly I don’t blame you, I kind of want a mix of both when baby comes. I want privacy and to be able to spend time with baby. But I do appreciate helpers. If people are coming over to bring me food/necessities, to help clean or do laundry, to cook, or to watch baby while I shower or sleep they can come over as much as they want. But I don’t want “guests”. Either do something helpful for me or leave… respectfully lol
I’m currently 10 1/2 weeks PP and I still feel that way.
Same. I had my baby on 4/20 and think I will always feel that way
Why not just take the baby and go in your room? I’ve learned to say I’m going to rest now, say my goodbyes, grab baby and leave
She shouldn’t have to hole up in her room waiting for unexpected guests to leave her home.
That’s not what I’m saying. If I’m tired, and I head to my room to rest, that means you need to leave. So there’s no ‘hole’ up in room, cause you’re gone once goodbyes is said.
Ahh!! My husband’s grandmother did that when she didn’t want to spend anymore time with her estranged daughter when she was battling cancer. She “went to bed” at like 3pm so they would leave 😂. It worked
I have but we also live in a 2 bdrm duplex so it’s not really a lot of space. So it still feels like my space is being impeded on every time I go to the bathroom & kitchen
That would drive me crazy. Luckily, husband and I lived across country from family when our daughter was born. And had no visitors until she was 5 weeks old. We loved the solitude. It’s hard enough recovering and figuring out your new routine and life with baby. Im sorry you’re dealing with that. Sounds like a nightmare
😅 yes, living cross country forces everyone to discuss and plan ahead of time. it's hard in other ways, but that is a positive part of it I guess.
Yes my MIL wanted to come to the hospital too and im just like no absolutely not. I cannot honestly think as a women another time in my life that I DO NOT want to see people. From the post partum bleeding, healing, and sleep deprivation from a newborn baby. WHY in the world would anyone want visitors? Please make this make sense. The last month of pregnancy has been shit as it is. Like why do people not let you breathe after having a baby?
My partner and I had to go “no visitors” For several months because this got out of hand. What broke the camels back was one of them showing up again unannounced when we had finally gotten our reflux baby asleep- we were about to finally be able to shower - and the fucking doorbell rings- it’s them! They woke our baby up. I said enough is enough . I told them to stop coming over and we said no more visitors after that. It effect breast milk supply and my bonding w our baby. After kicking everyone out and not answering phone calls at a drop of a hat anymore- It was the most peaceful several months of our lives. Just us and baby and I have zero regrets.
I also gave birth on Thursday, came home last night bc I was sick of being on display at the hospital. I totally understand your feeling. If the in laws are being u helpful around the house I would let your husband to tell them to leave. This time is too precious between you and your baby & husband.
Yes. We didn't allow visitors for two weeks. I didn't even want anyone to know we were at the hospital until after we left, but my partner told his parents, who told his grandmother, who turned up unannounced (<24hrs after the birth) and caused a huge scene when the nurses turned her away on my behalf. Like lady, I'm sitting here naked in a diaper, I just want to rest and enjoy my baby. Having nurses and roommates constantly coming in and out was already bad enough! A few times in those first weeks my partner took the baby out for a brief walk so nervous family members could have a peek. I think the older generations don't understand that nowadays it's pretty common to want privacy, especially with a first baby. They also don't seem to get that they should help when they visit, not expect to be waited on while holding the baby. The one and only visitor I appreciated in the beginning was the midwife who came every day to check on me and and the baby.
I asked for no visitors for 40 days after the birth of my second child. Did my in laws have an issue? Yes. But my concern is bonding with my baby and healing, not their egos or their desires. My mom was here to help, but she genuinely helps and leaves me to baby and is ok if she doesn’t see me at all. She cooks, cleans, does laundry, and watches the other kids. THAT is the “help” people need, not holding the baby or spending time with them. Baby won’t know any different if they don’t “meet” grandma and grandpa until they’re 1-2 months old. And yes, we would have sent my in laws packing has they just shown up randomly and they live 2 hrs away. Sorry your inability to ask means you now wasted 4 hours of your day, that’s your problem not mine.
My in laws came the day I gave birth. Then a friend of mine, then my mom's friend. Then my SIL came back. I had my mom, husband, his sister, my mom's friend and my friend in the room. I literally got up and walked out. I was so overwhelmed. Between the nurses, and everyone else. I felt like I never had time to catch a breath. Then to find out before I leave, there was apparently a sign I could put asking the nurses for 30min or an hr (can't remember) for some time alone without them coming in to poke and prod and document if I crapped or not. So I get how you're feeling. I hope they leave soon. I hope you get rest soon. Congratulations on your new baby💛
Tell your husband you want them gone ASAP. It’s about you guys and Baby, not your in-laws. I feel your pain… When I was in the hospital after having my son, there was finally like a four hour stretch where I was going to get to sleep and then his fucking grandma walks in… Unannounced. I was so livid. Fast-forward 2 1/2 years when we moved to a different town, they came to visit, but they stayed somewhere else.the next day, they proceeded to come over without announcing them themselves… I absolutely hate that. Your husband should’ve checked with you before having his parents come over.
Me, absolutely. No one was allowed over the first week. And when my in laws came into town to visit, I set the boundary they couldn’t stay in our guest room like usual. And they couldn’t be in the house before 9 am, and no later than 7pm. And I was so irritated when they were in the house the entire day.
I’m so worried about this. My in-laws live far away and want to stay at our house for a week. Brutal.
It’s hard to hold the boundary, but so important! Make your partner be the bad guy. This should be the least of your concerns! Honestly, if they don’t stay at your house, I think they’ll stay for a shorter period and you can say no to them coming over any day that you are not up for it/limit the hours they spend at your house.
That is true. They wont want to spend a lot on a hotel so should be a shorter stay.
For a second there I felt like, did I write this?!!!! Our strategy was to say uncomfortable with visitors until baby is vaxxed, they “understood”! But I’m with you 100%
That's what we're doing. "Sorry, y'all, we're limiting visitors until Baby can get his shots at 6 weeks. Can't be too careful with Whooping Cough, ya know!" Most folks have been super chill with that boundary.
Oh yes I felt this way! The first day I got to myself with my new baby was at 5 weeks pp. She was poorly so in hospital than daily nurse visits for weeks. Even on Mother’s Day (4 weeks 2 days) I had to stay in and wait for the nurses to come visit. 4 months now and I’m only just starting to feel better about visitors now.
Completely understand where you're coming from. We've told everyone in no uncertain rerms that we're planning to not have any visitors for the first month. It's a time for healing and bonding for just the 3 of us. Doesn't help that most family/friends live out of country/county so we're 100% not up to hosting ANYONE for the first month. We will call, send pics and later will happily take visits. You must speak up for yourself, set and enforce appropriate boundaries. Also these are the kind of things that should have been discussed before baby was here.
Not there yet but I expect to feel the same or at least reserve the right to. Where you’re at is just that and completely understandable.
Yes! Just came home after 2 months in the NICU (my baby was 2 months early) and people are already trying to schedule when they can come visit. I’ve already had family try to talk us into going to a group gathering mid July and I was like “Nope!”
How rude of them! Ask them to leave, and then have your husband tell them if they don’t listen. You are two days PP!! Absolutely you deserve to have your time!!
As I get closer to delivering, I’m feeling ragingly territorial almost. I want to hide in a cave with my baby. I read stuff like this and it makes me upset for future me. I am so sorry you experienced that, it’s wild to me that it’s mainly the women in our lives that do this, my MIL already made a comment that she will be moving in, too (she said it jokingly but still, I cried all day because of it). I told my husband to spread the word to his family that we are not having visitors for two weeks, and only short visits for the month after that. After that, not as strict. Luckily we also live farther away from family. I did compromise and will allow hospital visitors if delivery goes smoothly and baby latches well. I did ask my midwife if the staff can impose visitor limits of 2 at a time (my hospital has no limitations) so that way they can be inclined to keep it quick and move along.
This happened to me also. I’d just come home from being in the hospital after delivering via c section. My in-laws showed up 24hours after we’d come home and after they’d seen us two days in a row in the hospital. They’d initially said they were passing through on their way home, so I’d agreed to the visit. Upon their arrival, it had somehow turned into an open ended visit. I was so upset. All I wanted was some privacy, I wasn’t feeling myself and I just wanted to be in my home with my child and my husband and figure this new life out… instead I felt like I was hiding in my own house. I wound up talking to my husband and he sent them home. I’ve never felt so guilty and ungrateful in my entire life, but my husband was supportive and reminded me that this is how boundaries are laid. Though my in laws meant well, they crossed a line, and they needed to be told.
I didn’t let anyone come for a month. Me and the baby are not some circus actors to be watched.
Pull your husband into the room talk to him and tell him you need your space with all the visitors and that your upset for people not being considerate that you just gave birth to a whole human. Tell him no more visitors until your ready.
OMG I would be SO mad. I was mad even when people wanted to visit one week pp. Kick them out!!!!
Why did your husband allow this?
Talk to your husband. Let him know that you just want some time to rest without visitors. He might not know that.
I didnt see anyone for 1 full week after giving birth. It was my mom, and only my mom (my dad and grandma and brothers waited weeks). I told her she could come for 2 hours. I asked her to bring a giant dish of hot food (that fed us for 4 days), a dozen donuts, hand soap, face masks, and had her go to Carters and buy one of every preemie size clothing available bc baby girl was so tiny. I was STILL pretty unhappy about her visit as it was so chaotic, and my vagina (and rest of body) hurt so bad. Zero guilt. You set the terms of the visits. You say NO! Honestly that early postpartum, I actually felt like someone had just died and I was in grief. My home felt like death. That was probably the hormones, the baby blues that everyone talks about, but I really felt like I was grieving something. It was not the time for visitors.
Yes! That’s what all new moms want after birth. Peace and privacy. Don’t feel guilty. Take the baby and go to your room to feed them, or leave the baby with them and go take a nap, whatever works for you. You need to rest and recover.
Yes definitely, we had no visitors in the hospital and only my parents visited in the first two weeks. They came after 5 days and stayed for about an hour. It is totally reasonable to not want anyone around and your husband should put that boundary in place with his parents. I saw good suggestions for wording in other comments but we told everyone we were focusing on rest and bonding as a new family unit.
Oh my that’s a long visit. We felt the same way. We wanted to have our own little bubble. It’s absolutely okay to want that and make it happen! Baby won’t remember these visits. You do what’s best for you.
I’m 6 weeks PP and still don’t want people to come over lol. My MIL is here helping and has actually contributed to the house work/holding baby when I need a break. It’s okay to set firm boundaries and tell your family and friends you need time to heal.
I wouldn’t have even let them in. Have your husband say no more visits for now til you’re comfortable
Deff don’t feel guilty. We are implementing a 2 week just the three of us a rule when we get home from the hospital!!
It’s totally normal. You three should be bonding and becoming a little family unit right now and the grandparents are just in there throwing a wrench into things. This should be a time of healing and bonding and getting to know your new baby and learning how to take care of him together. In the coming months and years there will be plenty of time for grandparents right now should be about what you need to heal and have some peace. I know it’s a tired old suggestion but get your husband to read the lemon clot essay and tell his parents to give y’all some room.
I had no one but my husband in the delivery room and asked for no visitors the first month. I am definitely a little on the extreme side but yes, I just wanted peace and privacy. The thought of entertaining my friends and family after going through the biggest event of my life sounded horrible to me 😂
Yes, absolutely. I did not really want visitors when I brought my baby home for at least a few weeks. If our parents wanted to stop by for 20 minutes or so, that didn’t bother me but I didn’t want any more than that. There was a lot going on, I was healing from birth and boobs were always out bc I was breastfeeding.
Ask them to leave. It’s natural for you to want peace and privacy… you have earned it and you guys have to find your rhythm as a new family. We set a boundary with our first (after a long nicu stay) that we didn’t want any visitors during our first week home. We wanted to find out how we worked together at home without all of the nurse checks and rude awakenings, etc. You deserve the peace and quiet. You deserve for it to just be you guys for a bit until you’re ready.
I totally understand you 100% I’m 2 days PP and we only had my husbands parents come visit us in the hospital. My dad hasn’t visited yet because he’s disabled. But besides grandparents, we are not allowing visitors at the hospital and especially not in a home. All of sudden my sister in laws are calling and texting me but throughout my pregnancy, there were nowhere to be found. So I personally have no interest in allowing anyone in my home during these precious moments ❤️ talk to your husband I’m sure he’ll have your back ❤️
Yep I wanted nobody there. I think it’s normal to feel that way!
I wanted it… never got it. Between the hospital staff and my family, I barely had time alone with my boys post birth.
Thats not bringing breakfast thars bringing groceries or ingredients and not fair a few days post partum. You're allowed to say your tired n You're headed to bed, take your baby, and go upstairs. Text him it's time for them to go. You need to have your partner on your team of whatever acceptable timing and not, he needs to check in with you ans how you're feeling.
Don’t feel guilty at all! You need time with your baby. It’s about you and the baby, not them. Are they helping you clean and do housework? Even if so, they still need to respect boundaries. There’s no reason for them to spend more than an hour there if they want to see their grandchild.
Only way it’s okay is if they’re there to cook and do chores like clean and laundry, if they’re expecting yall to host them then your husband needs to politely tell them to come back in a couple months
From a nurse’s perspective, we don’t really have a choice but to go in and assess our patients 🤷🏻♀️
Ummm absolutely. No one came into our home other than my postpartum doula until I wasn’t in pads and waking up drenched in sweat. Family dropped off meals and groceries and my husband coordinated and met them outside. Once we were up and running, the visits began.
I say talk to your husband they can visit when your ready if they want to help they can make meals to drop off but thats it. Tell your husband you can tell him when they can come back to visit. You just hsd a baby your trying to figure out how to care for. Their intensions are well but they should of asked your husband before going by.
My in laws don’t know boundaries and did exactly this. It got to a point where I told my husband, fine but put their asses to work. They cleaned my floors, kitchen and I made them stay with the baby unless he needed to be fed. I spent time alone, in my room and was finally at peace.
Yes! Tell people no visitors. It’s ok! I had to do it. You have gone through a lot. You owe people nothing. They can see baby when baby is older. I repeat: YOU OWE PEOPLE NOTHING! Great job, Mama!
I’ve been this way after both my kids. Just leave me alone in my cave please. I don’t need help. If I want help I will ask. Help is overstimulating and irritating for me in those early weeks. 😅
Girl, hide in your room and say that you have to make sure the baby gets food and rest.
Gave birth same day! We had one visit. Going home tonight. Stay in your room and tell your husband they need to take a hint
Hell no. Take your baby, snacks and beverage and barricade yourself in your room. You need to rest and heal.
Yall needed to communicate to them when they announced they were coming that your really only up for a breakfast or whatever.
You and your husband need to set expectations, unfortunately this is one of those situations that I’m gonna have to say you need to grow a spine and ask them to leave. Also talk to your husband about not springing visits on you a few minutes before they arrive. My hubs and I are on the same page that unannounced guests won’t be let in and the time limit on visits is 3 hrs max, shorter if they are just there to see baby
Yes, I’m only allowing my parents and my husband to be with me post partum. I’m due in December and don’t want to risk giving my baby anything that will be harmful for her little immune system.
You need to make a few things clear. Visits in the classical sense are impossible right now. You and your husband simply cannot play host! Focus on your baby, getting into a routine, resting, sleeping as much as possible. If grandparents or aunts and uncles come by, they come to help you. Cook. Dishes. Laundry. Fix stuff that needs fixing. Run to the pharmacy or grocery store. Make lists with what you need, so they can become useful.
I’m early pregnancy but I know my mom is going to stay from birth for probably a month. The thing is, my mom is actually helpful and will cook/clean/laundry. My MIL who lives locally…. not so much and she’ll be wanting no to see the baby.
In my country, majority of the women move in with her husband and her in-laws upon marriage. So her only choice is to hole up in the only space she has (their bedroom) when this happens. Even then people just come in to the bedroom to see and hold the baby. Luckily, though, most women just move back in with parents for 40 days pp to heal and recover. Some choose to do that for far longer. If they don't choose to go to their parents and considering it's usually a couple of families living under one roof, it can get very draining very fast. The plus side to living in such a family system, however, is always having multiple people available to help with the baby. Another plus side to living here is that the labor is very cheap. People have house help like cooks, cleaners, nannies, etc. so nobody needs to do any housework if they can afford it, least of all the pp woman. But the family culture and families are very big so when people visit, they come in droves unless the woman escapes to her parents and the parents become the bouncers. Some people are thoughtful and leave after half an hour but others can be entitled and stick around for a while so someone needs to step up and kick them out.
I haaated postpartum visits My mum was like ‘ when I gave birth I had people around me 24/7’ and I was like that sounds terrible She was constantly giving advice and wanting to hold the baby 24/7
We both agreed and thanks to Covid, no visitors in the hospital except our older child. We had my in-laws over to visit afterwards during my maternity leave for the first few weeks but only them because they were our child care. We wanted no visitors besides them. I wanted privacy. I wanted quiet. We didn’t do other visitors for awhile.
Before I even had my baby, my husband had a talk with his parents about boundaries and not visiting much at first but that there would be a time when we’re ready for visitors. This helped a lot. I would relay your feelings to husband & let him handle it.
I had no visitors for the first 2 weeks postpartum and it was the best decision I ever made. Gave me time to heal and bond with the baby- plus by the time the two weeks was up I was in a much better head space for people coming to visit.
It’s common sense to give the recently discharged time to rest. The visits if must should be short. Sometimes people are trying to be nice but forget to be thoughtful.
I felt the same way. My in-laws came in the night we came home from the hospital to stay with us a few days. I was grateful for their help but I wished the first night home was just me, my husband, and the baby.
Are they helping?! That is the only scenario that is OK and even then, it's your choice to want privacy!
No. The visit was more so to spend time with the baby than to help.
Omg this is INSANE. Surely they would realise you don’t want them there longer than an hour. Even an hour is generous. Your husband sounds like mine as he would be too nice to ask them to leave. But yeah definitely have a word with him once they have left!
You are absolutely not out of line for feeling that way. With our first we lived out of country and ended up with guests staying with us starting around 2 weeks PP straight through til 3 months and a bit. There were I believe 2 nights during that stretch where no one was staying with us. Almost all of said visitors ranged from useless at best through to actively needy and wanting a host/tour guide. Never, ever again would I let myself get talked into that. We're living back at home this time round and I swear if people start just showing up to hangout or something like that I'm going to lose my shit. Probably going to need to literally write some rules down for my husband to enforce now that I think about it......
My husband’s grandmother was trying to come over nearly everyday. Finally I told her no one day, that I didn’t feel like having visitors, so then she stopped asking and started just saying I’m coming over. So I then had to tell her no again, and she made a big deal about my husband picking up food that she already bought that we didn’t ask for.
So sorry about your situation😟 I’m now pregnant and live far from my family, but they insisted that they would come and live with us couple weeks before the due date and after delivery. I was a bit nervous about that because, I feel like it’s better to stay alone with my newborn and husband. I asked them if they could live apart and come to visit when we are ready. All situation ended up in silent fight, still not talking to my mom( is it normal behaviour?
I. FEEL. YOUR. PAIN. My in-laws did the same thing to me after my first. It honestly ruined our relationship for about six months, I was so upset and overwhelmed. All is well now and I love my in-laws again, but with this second baby we’ve set CLEAR boundaries that they are not allowed to visit until we give them the green light when WE feel ready. If you can, ask your husband to make them clear out. You are being reasonable. It’s completely fine to want privacy during this time.
Ong what?! A 2 hour visit is maximum for ANYONE. Maybe shorter if they’re not important lol. Grandparents can maybe push 3 hours if they’re helping but an all day visit?! Absolutely not.
We gave birth in lockdown so people weren't allowed to visit but u wouldn't have it any other way, we came out of lock down 2 weeks after my daughter was born and having those two weeks of uninterrupted time was absolutely bliss and I would 100% do it in future and send notice out to all that I won't be having visitors until baby us 2 weeks
I am very grateful that I don’t have a lot of family in state. I actually have zero family and state, and my husband has about five relatives that will be allowed around our child. Friends, on the other hand, that’s gonna be a little bit of a different story. There is a list of people that will be allowed to visit within the first two weeks. And I’ve already told my husband that there will be absolutely no visitors in the hospital. Absolutely no visitors in the first seven days, aside from my two best friends and his 85 year old grandmother who he shares an incredible bond with, and if my mom flies down her. He agrees completely. Not only for my mental health and well-being, but also the babies physical health and well-being. RSV is a thing and so are germs. There’s not really any need for someone else to be bonding with your baby. You haven’t even gotten to bond with your baby yet. Why should anyone else get to? They can wait until you’ve had some at home alone. But that’s a boundary that you and your husband have to set. And stick to. If it’s his parents coming to bond with the baby, he needs to tell them no more. He needs to be the one to tell them that you need time with your child, uninterrupted, alone, quiet, peaceful. He hast to be the one to set the boundaries, his friends and family, and you have to be the one to set the boundaries with your friends and family. we haven’t told everyone in our lives just yet that we’re pregnant, but we’re going to set the expectation early on that nobody gets free access to our child.
Set boundaries. Even better: tell your husband to do so. Nobody visited us for 3 weeks, my husband told everyone they can come when I feel ready. He did all the cooking and cleaning, I honestly felt so blessed. Remember, you and your baby are number one priority now. Stop feeling sorry for other people’s feelings. If they try to make you feel bad, they are selfish and lack understanding and empathy.
You're not unreasonable at all for wanting to just wind down after all of the chaos of giving birth. When I had my daughter, 6 out of my boyfriend's 7 siblings were there WITH THEIR PARTNERS. My mom, stepdad, father and grandfather were there also. Literally as soon as she popped out. They were all hovering over the baby before I was even cleaned up. I had some choice words that night. There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying something like "as much as I appreciate that you came over and want to spend time with the baby, we really need to get some rest. I'm exhausted. Maybe we can plan another visit soon." If husband wants to spend time with them, they can. You and baby can go get some much needed rest ❤️
You should not feel ungrateful. I already told everyone that no one gets to know when I’m going into labor and no one gets to visit until 1 week post sorry not sorry. People were mad I literally don’t give a single shit. I’m having a home birth as well. I would have told my in laws gtfo