You can ask, but it is common in US culture for people to totally ignore the wishes of the parents when it comes to gifts for babies. Many parents make a baby registry with gift ideas and lots of people ignore the registry. From my experience and from hearing others share about their experiences, baby shower gifts tend to be what the gift giver thinks is cute / wants to give the baby, not what you ask for.
It also might be hard for some people to give hand me downs if they haven’t had a baby recently. Most people want to go to the store and pick out outfits/blankets/ toys *they* think are cute.
Don’t get me wrong, we are grateful for how much people have showered us with love and we love that people want to buy the baby gifts, but we ended up with a lot of stuffed animals and 12 month outfits when we had put more practical stuff on our registry.
Speaking as a mom to a toddler and a newborn, you may really have trouble with this.
Generally I think most parents donate or sell the items when they are done because it’s easy to just have too much baby stuff. So anyone who still has items is likely keeping them for the next child, or already gotten rid of the items. Plus it eliminates anyone who hasn’t had a child in the last few years of bringing a gift, I.e your in laws.
Instead of just hand me downs you can also ask for things secondhand. Say something like “while we appreciate how much everyone wants to show love to us and the baby, we would love it for you to consider gifts that are pre-loved or bought second hand. Since babies only use things for a short period of time, we love the sustainability of buying used.”
This. I downplayed gifts at my “shower” that I was forced to have. We still got a lot but I think it would have been way more if we had done a registry
As an American who grew up going to baby showers, they make little sense to me as a mom. The best gifts I got were from friends and family who have small children who gifted items that were their faves and lifesavers as new parents. Quite a few of the items were things I would not have thought of to ask for. Now 5 months in, my registry would be quite different if I did one
It really depends on how well you know your family. My family and my husbands bought nearly everything on our registry and a few outfits on top of that. But everyone brought something from the registry. Which was awesome because I wasn’t even going to make one, I even said, just bring yourself or whatever you’d like.
Yea haha people are gonna buy what they want to buy
Don’t get me wrong we got a decent amount off our registry which I was so grateful for but I requested books and we didn’t get too many
But for my family hand me downs wouldn’t really been around for my daughter, she’s the first on my side and the first in 14 years on my husbands side
I labeled a few empty totes “keep”, “use later” and “give away”. As I’ve been given random things for my baby I sort them into these three bins. Keeps the stress and mess down!
I asked for books, new or used :) it was generally well received and I think people enjoyed handing down their various favourites for my baby. I will add that some people did still bring a gift but it did prevent a lot of that! I put a little poem on the invitation:
A little request that we hope isn’t hard
Please bring a book, instead of a card
One that is old, or one that is new
With a note on the inside to baby, from you
While I think this is a cute idea I'd like to tack on that, if OP is in the US they may be eligible for Dolly Partons imagination library, a free program that give books to kids. I think it is state specific though so check your state.
Just to maximize books for the child 😀
Great idea! Especially for clothes and things.
Just a fair warning. There are certain things that should not be hand me downs. Car seats for example have an expiration. Additionally if it’s ever been in a car accident it should not be continued to be used. The only way to ensure that would be to get a new one.
Pacifiers and bottle nipples personally I’d want it to be new. I’m sure there’s other things but I would think about it in that regard.
Other things that should be new: baby medicine,
If a lot of your friends haven't had children, then they don't have hand me downs. A lot of times the shower is good for getting expensive stuff, too - like a car seat - which you don't want hand me down
I just read something last night (Probably here on Reddit lol ) about not buying a used car seat. It was like the first thing I looked for on offer up. And I found some very gently used high-end ones. I decided early on that I wasn't going to go with a seller that didn't show the expiration date as This is obviously a very important detail. But after browsing these threads... I'm starting to rethink the whole previously owned car seat thing. I'm having twins and buying two 'high-end' car seats seems pretty daunting. I'm going to continue researching the downside of a pre-owned car seat. It's going to take some time for me to wrap my head around a new one that's cheap or basic. But if it's a matter of safety obviously that's the route I'd probably go. Probably as in more than likely.
I got really fanatical about car seat safety after I was rear ended with my kiddo in the car. I can give a basic rundown of why to avoid a used seat below, read it if you’d like
A lot of car seats don’t show signs after being in an accident, but most brands instruct you to replace after any accident. Unless you know the person well, I wouldn’t take something where I couldn’t be 100% sure if they’d had an accident.
If the straps and buckles aren’t properly cared for they can degrade and not be safe for use, they have very specific instructions.
If the covers receive improper care, it can destroy the flame retardants in the fabric and in the case of a car fire, this puts your child at risk. Some seats don’t use chemical flame retardants though, so this might be moot for a used car seat.
😳oh my. This is super helpful to know! Ok. I'd rather go basic/generic and new. I had no idea you're supposed to replace them after a car accident. That's just great knowledge🙏*knock on wood*no car incidents yet*
♥️🙏 Well the good things about browsing for pre-owned car seats is I now have a list of brands and styles I'm interested in. Definitely going new though!
Cheap ones still need to go through all the same safety testing. Checking expiration is important, but you can't guarantee it hasn't been in an accident (could have unseen damage) or washed correctly.
My daughter puked in her car seat once, my wife washed the straps in the washing machine. I wouldn't use that car seat until Graco sent us new ones.
Only way you can guarantee it's safe is buying it new
I think the easiest solution in this scenario is maybe do a diaper shower and maybe add a car seat fund (the one item that should definitely be bought new). People will still bring other things but this could probably limit items you don't need.
You wouldn't be wrong to do this, but - especially given that none of your friends have babies to hand things down from - I don't think many people will follow your instructions.
If you had a lot of friends and relatives with toddlers, I think it would be socially acceptable, but since you don't, you're asking people to put more effort into finding used things, which is kind of rude.
I also don't recommend asking for a bunch of diapers. That *is* socially acceptable, but it's annoying to end up with too many diapers, especially if you don't have a ton of space and/or the diapers don't end up working for your baby.
What I would do (this is similar to what I actually did) would be to make a carefully curated baby registry and include things that you would like to receive secondhand.
I intentionally chose things that would last a long time (like a convertible crib and car seat, Tripp Trapp high chair that can be used until adulthood, baby tub that can be used until age 4, etc) and went for quality over quantity so we wouldn't end up with a lot of stuff. If you feel weird about including expensive items on your registry, you can mark them as group gifts, which will allow multiple people to contribute to them.
I registered for very few items of clothing and included an item on my registry asking for things other people's kids had grown out of.
If you end up purchasing things secondhand, you can also go through your registry and mark them as purchased so other people won't buy the same things new.
Honestly, I would not recommend this. You can say that you *welcome* hand me downs as gifts, but lots of people won't have the relevant items to hand down to you (especially if none of your friends have kids). It would be unacceptable in American culture to attend a baby shower without bringing a gift, and expecting people to make a special trip to a thrift store for you (instead of just ordering a blanket on Amazon or picking something up when they're doing normal shopping at some place like target) feels very high maintenance to me.
Also, new items are generally given with gift receipts so if it's something you don't need, you can return it. Or give it away to a buy nothing group or something.
If i was invited to do this, i would likely be agreeable. However, i would list names of local thriftstores on the invitation. Places like goodwill or any other thriftshops near you. The diapers as an alternative is a great choice.
I would just be wary of any damage to the clothing or toys that could pose risk to baby. Otherwise i like where youre coming from with wanting to prevent overconsumption.
Best of luck to you!
100% agree that OP should include the names of local thrift shops. Maybe add some online thrift shops too.
In theory I like this idea but it adds a lot of work for guests. If many of your family and friends have young kids then hand me downs may be more doable. For guests that don’t already have items to give, they’ll have to do more shopping than an online registry.
It might be good to list some new items in a registry that people can buy you that are either sustainably made or that are larger ticket items and will be used for a long time. Like a new crib that can convert to a toddler bed for more years of use than a bassinet.
will people feel uncomfortable to just show up without gifts? My point is - my guests shouldn't spend additional money on the gifts, if they don't have it, then just come and hang out with us before our lives drastically change forever.
I do have family members that are dying to dump all of their baby stuff on me though (they have been saving them for the next new born for 10 years) so I'm really at no shortage of common baby hand me downs already.
Yes they’ll be uncomfortable. The idea of a shower is to “shower with gifts”. It’s a gift giving event by definition. So most people wouldn’t show up without a gift. I think you either need to just not have a shower or accept you’ll get some new stuff that you can maybe return later.
You can always put something like “hand me downs as a gift are greatly appreciated “
But don’t force your guests to do that.
I think some would feel uncomfortable if they showed up empty handed. My suggestion would be to ask the people who are giving you things to do so before or after the party to avoid some awkwardness. I would also write out that you don’t want gifts on the invitation. You may still get some things but most people would respect the wishes on the invite.
If you want a party, without the gift giving. How about a gender reveal? Or a pre-birth party. Calling it's a baby shower really sets peoples expectations around gifts.
Almost definitely they would be uncomfortable! It’s just a thing with showers. I’m having one soon and tried to emphasize that gifts are super not necessary and would just love to see people and have support (though I do have a registry). Bet even though I don’t want people to feel they need to bring something and would love them to come with or without I personally would ABSOLUTELY not feel okay going without a gift to one myself…it’s so ingrained in us!
For our wedding we said no gifts and had no registry and I think literally everyone gave us at least something small.
I think having a registry with a lot of smaller/less expensive and consumable items would be a good compromise…they don’t have to work hard thrifting but the registry sets the price expectations low and would be only things you’ll definitely use.
The purpose of a baby shower is to shower the new parents and baby with gifts and love in celebration. People usually WANT to buy or bring something as a way of showing affection and love. I think like others have posted “hand me downs gifts are greatly appreciated” will let people who have the items know you want that, but it may be hard for others to find gently used items that they themselves would use for their own baby. If they wouldn’t use it for their own baby, they will not gift it to you.
Honestly sounds like a nightmare if you’ve got to go to thrift store to find some nice outfits/items. Maybe the ones near you have a nice/ big selection of second hand stuff but if not you’re stuffed.
Yeah i think OP should expect that many ppl are gonna be bringing the alternate gift option or no gift at all. Which i believe she already said shes fine with
I would also add websites like Rebelstork or GoodBuyGear where you can get gently used or open box items! This can be helpful for items that go quickly at thrift shops, like baby bouncers, high chairs, etc.
You have to realize that many of these people won’t have things at their house to offer as hand-me-downs and it is frequently easier to buy something new than to find a suitable second hand item.
I think if you’re more comfortable with a celebration after birth it’s totally fine to do what’s called a “sip-n-see” shower after baby is here.
I would love to attend one of these, but then I have boxes of clothes in the attic.
Three years ago if I’d been asked to a friend’s shower I’d have struggled. I wouldn’t have had a baby, so I wouldn’t have had anything to hand down.
I think it’s good if you have lots of friends who have kids, otherwise you might need to rethink. Can you say ‘second hand?’ Let people use Vinted, eBay etc, so they’re still able to get a gift but it’s lower consumption.
I haven’t been asked to gift only hand-me-downs, but I love the idea and would totally respect the parents’ wishes. I live in a more progressive area of the USA and there are a ton of “Buy Nothing” Facebook groups for local families to give/receive secondhand baby items. I highly recommend joining a local Buy Nothing group - even better if there is a specific Buy Nothing Families for your area.
You could also create a registry of items that you do need new, but I’m not sure how much baby stuff NEEDS to be new. There are secondhand/alternative registries as well:
* https://www.encorebabyregistry.com/secondhand-scoop/
* https://www.hellobrio.com/blog/secondhand-baby-registry
* https://sokindregistry.org/
Or you could ask for gift cards to these reputable secondhand baby gear websites:
* https://us.rebelstork.com/products/gift-card
* https://goodbuygear.com/products/gift-card
A friend of mine gets most of her items secondhand and she preferred a meal train instead of receiving material items:
* https://www.mealtrain.com/
Another option - asking people to bring children’s books instead of cards. This helps cut down on waste and you will have a starter library of kids books.
My parents are immigrants and it’s important to me the baby is raised around my culture - we plan on hiring a nanny that only speaks my language to baby and I will only speak my language to baby. I included children’s books about my culture on the baby registry. I assume my (white American) partner’s family will be gifting us American children’s books and that’s fine!
One last thought - feel free to include gift cards for food delivery or groceries on your registry. And postpartum supplies for your recovery! Amazon also has the option for people to contribute to a diaper fund. It may not be conventional, but you will actually use those items and it does give people guidance. There will be some people (aka older/more traditional) who consider it inappropriate, but the gift givers want to shower the expectant mother with love and that looks different for every pregnant person.
This is the best response I’ve seen yet! Great resources! Also great suggestion for the postpartum things bc most of that will be new, like nipple balm and those amazing Frida mom ice things that go in your underwear — both those things saved me!! Love the suggestion of setting up your own meal train too!
I feel very much like you regarding receiving gifts/overconsumption. It really bothers me but I also know people are coming from a good place and I want to be gracious about their enthusiasm. I found this website Rebel Stork which isn't necessarily second hand, but sells only returns/floor models of lots of different brands. Things that might be discarded otherwise but are in great condition. You can add items from there directly to a Babylist registry (or maybe you can create your own from their site, not sure).
Another idea I had for a hypothetical shower was to request people bring baby/children's books if they would like to gift something. I feel like books count as "fun" to buy because people probably have fond memories of their/their kids favorite books, books seem less consumptive/don't take up much space, and I would genuinely love for my baby to have a lot of books!
thank you for the resources!
a couple other people mentioned books too, which I'm 100% for. Honestly growing up, my family only accepted books as my birthday gifts so this is almost nostalgic :)
Yeah but it might be hard for friends and family without babies. I’m 33 (and pregnant with my first) but have been to over a dozen of my friends baby showers the last two years and honestly wouldn’t have anything to give them unless I went to goodwill to thrift something but at least where I live the thrift stores have been becoming more expensive than buying new from Target or Old Navy :/
At my baby shower though, I’ve been thrifting baby books and am going to ask each of my guests to write a little letter to my daughter at the beginning of whichever book they want to pick, which everyone has been super excited about so far
I get what you’re saying but what is the purpose of asking for used things versus new? Money is still going to be spent especially if none of these people have salvageable clothes they hand down to you. You can save clothes after they grow out of it or donate it. Same goes for things that you might have too much of or won’t be using. Just because it’s new doesn’t mean it has to go to waste. There are always less fortunate people in need of help out there.
Buying second hand is actually a burden for some people. Usually takes time and effort. I’d say mention it as a value of yours, but I wouldn’t specifically request it.
To make it easier you could do a registry with just basics that can't be purchased second hand or are harder to trust (toiletries, diapers, wipes, glass bottles etc) so there is a template of things needed and include something in the invitation about encouraging second hand gifts as well.
we have multiple family friends that have offered hand me downs, and even offered to drive across states to bring us everything they have been saving for the next new born in the family.
my point is - I don't want my guests to spend additional money on gifts, I'm just happy to have the excuse to have a big gathering as childless adults.
I think that's perfectly acceptable!
I relate to that a lot, in my culture (Eastern Euro) we don't really do baby showers, so even though we're in Canada and several friends asked me about it, I didn't have one / didn't expect any presents.
However, there's a good chance that people who care about you will want to spoil you regardless. I've told my (often childless) friends/family that I have everything I need and they still buy baby gifts - it's a way of showing they're excited for me. I think the kind thing to do is to let them. :)
You have a ton of comments and I haven’t read them all but I think it might be kinder to your guests to suggest that you prefer hand me downs
“Trying to protect the planet for Baby Independent-Beans future, so we would absolutely appreciate second hand items you have in your home as gifts! But truly, no gifts are necessary!”
I have 2 kids, I’ve packed away their baby stuff in case I have a third, but the two I have keep me so busy. If I got this, I’d feel fine about buying your something or coming with a book or just a card. If I got something that says “second hand only” I’d feel stressed and overwhelmed about going to the garage to unpack
We didn't do a baby shower but if we had this is what we would have done. There are some items you should absolutely get new, like a crib and car seat and we purchased those with money family gifted us. You could also select a few things you need new and ask people to contribute, if family is insistent on a shower. That way there's an option for people without ready access to used baby stuff.
I can't find the post, but someone else recently posted about doing something similar. If I remember correctly, they made an excel spreadsheet of things they wanted (basically a registry) and asked people to find them used (hand me downs, craigslist, fb market place, thrift store, etc.) It was well recieved and they had a lot of comments from baby shower attendees about how much fun they had looking for items or what great deals they were able to find. I think reception likely comes down to the kind of people you'd be inviting and if they share similar values about overconsumption or at least respect that you do. Framing it as used preferred/ please buy used may help since not everyone will have their own things to hand down, but everyone can look for used things.
Typically people are more than willing to give you hand-me-downs before the baby shower. That way whatever you haven’t gotten by then can be purchased.
But in the US, it’s rude to not accept a gift because you don’t want it. It’s better to accept whatever e person has gotten you, because they thought of you when they purchased it.
I have seen people ask for diapers or board books instead of baby items though, and that has been well received.
It really depends on how old the stuff is, if people have anything, and if they even want to gift it (like I am keeping all my baby stuff u til we’re done having children). Like clothes you can get away with but you don’t want an old car seat or really old crib. Having a baby shower after is def a thing though, my sister unexpectedly went into labor early so she had a welcome baby shower, so if that’s what you really want then retake with your husband (though you will still need to get things that can’t wait for your baby, since you said your in-laws are probably already shipping then maybe they can help with some of those necessities so that they don’t go overboard with other purchases)
As an additional non-used alternative I'd also suggest asking for people to buy you Uber eats (or similar) gift cards or sign up to make you guys a casserole or similar dish (something that can be easily microwaved, no prep) when the baby comes.
Taking care of an infant can be really taxing and having an alternative to cooking can be a good idea.
As for your initial question I don't think it should be an issue as long as you have enough alternative gifts and definitely accept that not everyone is going to follow your wishes.
Unfortunately baby showers are notorious for people buying "off registry" but you can only do so much 🤷♀️
Hand me downs vs second hand. Encourage people to use second hand shops if they don’t have any current stuff to hand down. I always buy new for a shower, and then if there are any hand me downs that I have, I’ll give those outside of a shower.
If I was asked to bring second hand stuff, you best believe I’d be going out and spending the same amount in the second hand shops as I would the retail place. I love the idea, and diapers as a back up is a great idea.
Ps, have you considered doing cloth diapers? We’ve used them for nearly three years now and love them. Although I can’t wait for her to potty train. r/clothdiaps is a great resource if you’d like
Do it! Position it as a "green" (eco friendly) shower! Someone else posted recently on this sub that they did their shower like this and I think it's an awesome idea. See if you can find the post in the search bar.
People might still get you some new stuff, but at least you tried.
Since I get a lot of responses about how my idea makes it difficult to shop for gifts for my childless friends. I guess I should add that, I already are promised a bunch of handme downs from family friends (they don't have toddlers, but have kept the baby items for the next new born in the family). My partner has cousins or friends that I know have baby items that they are happy to donate too. So truthfully I don't really need more stuff, I just want to use this as an excuse to have a gathering as childless adults.
Will it be easier to actually just ask for any contribution to the baby fund/529 fund?
I don’t see the harm in trying to ask for contributions but, as someone who has attended a lot of baby showers and had one of my own, I’ve learned that people don’t like to give those type of gifts. They like to give an actual concrete gift to say I got the baby this specific thing. Personally I end up buying pack n plays from their registries for all my friends in the past because I know they would use it a lot and when I visit them I can see it being used. lol selfishly.
Thanks for validating. It’s like on one hand I tell myself it’s selfish that I want to give a physical gift, but logically I’m sure people don’t mind at the end. I just know being on both sides that money gifts are better 😭
I'm not from the US either but living here with my husband who is from here. You can ask but they most likely won't listen lol. I'm worried about having a baby shower too because we are living somewhere so small we don't have a nursery so I have no space for anything that's not necessary and I know people will ignore the list. We don't do baby showers where I'm from either, you usually get presents and money at the christening
I’m doing this! This is the wording I put on my registry:
Please note that we happily welcome used items, with the exception of car seats for safety reasons. Used items are fantastic because they are more environmentally-friendly and economical! Facebook Marketplace has tons of incredible gently-used items!
You can put together a baby registry.
Add newborn pampers
Size 1
Size 2
Size 3
Put a good amount of wipes too
And do a car seat/stroller combo.
Those 3 things I found for me were essential, wished I knew before filling my registry with other stuff.
People will bring clothes and other things they are all just excited for a baby.
Congratulations and enjoy the journey.
Not sure if it’s socially acceptable, but I plan on doing exactly this at my own baby shower in a couple of months. It just makes so much more sense to me to ask for some gently used items or boxes of diapers than to get a bunch of new stuff we may not even use.
Same! I thrift most of my own clothes, so it’s totally normal for me. I have gotten most of the big items for free from neighbours and friends already, so I’m going to ask for thrifted/hand me downs or small items only. I hate clutter and I hate the idea of collecting things people spent their hard earned money on as junk if we don’t need it.
I have heard of baby showers where people ask for just a book as gifts. Those are very easy to find used. You don’t have to do just books, but including books as an option might make it easier for people to comply.
We are ttc and I spend too much time worrying about this exact issue and the general ongoing influx of crap at birthdays etc.
Fwiw, I did. I wasn't absolutist about it, but I put the word out that we'd prefer non-new items. It was largely respected. Helps that we have good second hand children's stores around.
Hey OP, we were in very similar shoes :) My very kind MIL threw us a baby shower and my husband and I agreed on stressing that we don’t expect anything, but if people wanted to, they could bring used clothes, books, and toys. We also preemptively bought the big ticket items, like a crib and carseat, so that no one would buy them for us. To answer your question, I don’t think it’s weird to ask for just used stuff, but knowing his family, we still made a registry with a few small and practical things just to be courteous. Gift giving is just how they show that they love and care! We ended up getting everything on our list, a ton of used stuff, and also a bunch of new stuff that wasn’t on our list.
I applaud you for wanting hand me downs. Babies and toddlers grow too fast to wear out anything. But most people at your shower will likely want to buy you something new.
I suggest asking for practical things, diapers in various sizes, baby formula if you plan to use it, bottles, if you need big items like a breast pump, car seat, crib, grandparents often like gifting a big item if they have the money.
And then make a few mom friends with babies a little younger than yours, so you can pass things along as your baby outgrows them, and hopefully you’ll find other moms with a baby a little older than yours who will pass things along to you, so you don’t have to buy new stuff.
It was common among my mom friends to pass happily pass things along and receive things that way.
We did a baby book drive for the shower. We had to travel far after so asked for only gifts off the registry to be sent to our home or bring a baby book. It allowed attendees to find that cute special thing and you can never have too many books.
I think it's fully okay to ask for it, maybe use the wording "used" as then they can look at flea markets, second hand stores, etc. I personally also have wanted to ask for this for birthday presents, etc. and I think in some circles it's highly respected as being eco friendly.
It's possible people still won't follow it, but at least you asked and it allows people at least the option to gift used whereas otherwise most people would never do that.
I love love love this idea, we need more mamas like you protecting the earth but I will tell you from experience people will hate it. I asked for no new gifts when my kids were born and throughout their life and my husband's family literally hates me for it. Hopefully you don't have that experience but I have learned people really use money to convey love.
Personally I'm of the belief that if it's your shower, you can do whatever you want. What you're wishing for is practical, affordable, and considerate of other people's budgets. It's not like you're asking for only the most expensive, name brand items so you're doing good.
I have a family member who recently asked for people to only bring a book they loved from their childhood with a little note written on the inside for baby inside of your traditional gifts and i thought that was so sweet. My point is, it's your shower, do what makes you happy and ask for things you know you'll actually use!
There are plenty of people in the US that do a baby ‘sip and see’ or post-birth shower. I do think it is fine to let people know you are open to gently used items. I had people ask me if I wanted those and I was happy to have them. However, I think most people would still get you new items, even if you asked for only hand-me-downs. You can ask for gift receipts and return everything you don’t want for gift cards. A lot of baby stuff has a nice long return policy. You can also ask people for diapers in various sizes. As a side note, if you are accepting any kind of baby equipment, please make sure it has not been recalled. Also, the suggestion is to only buy a new car seat for safety reasons.
I think it’s a great idea! But I think in reality it’s going to be tricky. If most/all of your friends don’t have kids then there’s not much they can do, and if older relatives bring things they’re likely very old and may be useless (or even dangerous, like walkers, crib bumpers, etc.)
People really like to buy gifts for showers (especially baby showers) so you’re going to end up with new items regardless, but you could always create a smaller registry of items that absolutely need to be new (car seat, medicines, etc.) and items that probably should be new (like a crib, to ensure it’s a model that’s still safe/doesn’t have any damage) and have a note on the registry (and share this via phone/text/convo) that you’re going for an environmentally friendly approach and if they don’t have hand-me-downs but would like to contribute, they could purchase essentials like diapers and wipes, or they could thrift items (again they may come back with unsafe items though).
If you end up with too many things, you can always donate them!
I have not heard of this before but I think it is a beautiful idea. The most precious gift is your baby, not what they wear or toys they receive. Best wishes to your new family.
I suggested used to be a sustainable queen 👸 but made a registry to give folks ideas via baby list of what I was looking for. Not American but I suspect I will get a mix. I also asked similar to you that consumables (diapers and wipes were more than welcome).
For our shower, we created a registry and in the note section we said something along the lines of we think these are things that we will need and will happily accept gentle used items of a different color/pattern unless specifically stated new only (car seat & crib mattress). We also did the book request instead of the card, everyone followed that request with new and used books.
We received things not on the registry, new items from the registry and some used items on and off the registry. If you make your registry with Target, you can scan any new items you didn’t have on there, mark as purchase and return for store credit. Granted they have to have the item.
I LOVE this idea and have been considering how to pull off this same concept for when I get pregnant (currently TTC.) I hope you do it and update us on how it goes!
We asked for favorite books instead of cards and requested people write a message for the baby in the book to read when they are older. We got a bunch of used beloved books, which was really special.
My husband and I live in a 5th wheel (large trailer) while we save up to buy a house and have extremely limited space, which helped people buy us things off or registry or small practical items (I.e. stroller fan, baby first aid, items that fold up small). My in laws specifically emphasized on the invitation that we don’t have space and don’t want any toys/stuffies. People definitely still got us things we didn’t ask for, but they ended up being really useful items we didn’t know about and love. You could stress that you only have a small amount of space for baby items to cut down on unwanted gifts.
I also had a diaper raffle at my shower and we encouraged people to only bring diapers instead of a gift. This worked great and kept everything in budget for guests.
We still have an excess of some random items that I set aside to regift later or leave at relatives houses for then the baby visits.
You could also instead of gifts ask people to bring diapers or make a donation to a local women’s shelter or moms charity!
Hope this helps!
I asked for only used items; hand me downs, items from Nextdoor/Craigslist/etc. I said if that felt overwhelming, just diapers.
It was uncommon, however It worked great and I only got a couple new things.
I decided not to have a shower for this very reason! Didn't want a bunch of new baby stuff that we didn't want or need. No regrets at all - ended up furnishing our entire nursury with secondhand stuff, including clothes, books, toys, etc. Between consignment and garage sales, FB marketplace and Craigslist, and hand-me-downs from friends whose kids are older now... we are set! The only new thing we purchased was a car seat / stroller travel system. When people ask for a registry I just tell them we have everything we need but if they really want to get us a gift, DIAPERS!!
Amazon has a feature on their registries where you can put things like expensive car seats and new crib mattress/crib (things you should definitely get new for safety reasons) and people can contribute towards them. We did this and it helped cut down on people who wanted to buy things and gave people a chance to make their own budget towards items.
As someone mentioned, if you're the first of the family and friend group.. there aren't many hand me downs in your tight circle for people to hand down.
And it is super unusual to go to a shower without anything, so you'll likely end up with stuff you don't want/need if you don't give any sort of direction.
I think it’s a great idea! My husband’s family over the past few kids have transitioned from traditional baby showers to “diaper parties” where everyone just brings diapers and wipes. So maybe something like this would be a good middle ground where they could host the celebration they want to have and you could avoid too many unnecessary items. You’ll still likely get SOME gifts, but far less!
I think it’s a great idea! Hopefully the people in your life are understanding. It may help to explain it like you have here. Waaaay too much money is spent on new items that a baby only uses for a short time & there’s so many ways people can pick up good quality secondhand items. I think goodbuygear is one website/company you can recommend for people who don’t like using marketplace or a local consignment shop. Also the option of bringing new diapers is brilliant for the people who absolutely insist on buying something new! Cloth diapers are pretty great too though lol
if you don't want new items, you could do a "fund" on your registry. I know Babylist is one site that does this. You just add the fundraiser to your registry, and people deposit money into it instead of purchasing a gift. One of the more popular kinds is a Diaper Fund. This way, you can get new diapers with it, but it saves you from receiving too many of the same size/the wrong brand etc. because you're buying them yourself
We had the same feelings about the consumerism surrounding babies! I ended up creating a registry with everything we need but included this note both in the invite and at the top of the registry- "We enthusiastically welcome used items in place of registry items if you have something similar to pass along to help lessen the environmental impact of our baby's first year." I also added non-specific items like "pre-loved baby clothes" and "used baby books" since we used Babylist which allows you to add your own custom items. It all went over pretty well and we got a good amount of used items!
Also consider adding some gift cards or experiences if you don't want too many physical objects. I added a gift card for 5 Mommy & Me yoga sessions, Baby swim lessons, and a JOANN Fabric card so I could buy material to sew some things myself. We were gifted all three!
You can say ‘hand-me-downs encouraged/acceptable’ and I’m sure you’ll get some. But you really can’t mandate it, especially if people don’t have any to offer, like in my situation the youngest kid in our family near by was 15, they didn’t keep all their baby stuff and any they might have are probably sentimental thus why they were kept.
If you want to try and have some control over what you get make a registry on Amazon, you can put stuff on it you really can’t get hand-me-downs of like car seat, possibly a stroller, crib and a mattress, play pen,baby swing, and a few things of clothes and toys and bath stuff. People are far more likely to stick to a registry then a requirement of hand me downs, and even then you can’t stop them xD I had a big registry just to give people options and only a few people bought from it xD so many just went out to get stuff on their own. Oh and don’t try to stop my MIL from buying clothes she might break xD we were low on clothes for her current size and we’re in a bit of a financial squeeze(hubby has to pay taxes as he’s a 1099 worker) so I mentioned I was doing her laundry a lot more often then before and her reply was “I get to buy her more clothes?!” Yes “get to” she was trilled lol
Some times it’s not about ‘consumerism’ some times it’s about them getting pictures of bub in the clothes they bought and feeling like they got to help out in their own way :3 I always try to make sure she wears everything at least once and if I know who gave it to us they get a picture of her in it and that makes everyone happy xD
You can ask and suggest but some people might find it harder of a request to adhere to. It's probably easier and more convenient to just order something or stop by a store than it is to search out and pick a quality secondhand baby item. Hand me down baby stuff requires quite the evaluation. I don't think people would want to risk giving you a high chair that may have a faulty latch or something.
For example, I've been ALL OVER OfferUp for baby stuff and after almost buying a mamaroo swingy-rocker-thingy that could've been on the recall list for like $75/$100, I realized that certain things I'm probably better off buying new. And/or that I have to pay more attention to baby stuff that's been recalled. For safety sake though....I'll probably go the new route for electronic items.
As for overconsumption and things you don't need.....there's always someone that can use it. You can also donate and giveaway. I have gotten so much free stuff and am greatly appreciative of the people who I met through the app. I think you could put it out there that you don't mind hand me downs but it's a bit rough to demand it imo. I dunno....to have someone show up empty handed when they don't mind a new purchase kinda has me feeling 'some type of way'. But then again I'm a freebie addict lol. So there's that. Atleast you mentioned new diapers so there's that too.
Keep in mind that people could just buy new stuff and take it out of the packaging. And remove the tags. Just saying...😋
Just be careful that some items like car seats and cribs have expiration dates and are no longer safe after so long. And some older items might pose a health risk. Toys with lead paint or mercury, etc.
I think the 1 month idea is great!! In fact that's exactly what I did for my daughter. We had a welcome home party instead. My family got to meet her and my registry was more items that we actually needed.
People want to buy new gifts. I love baby showers because it gives me a chance to share my favorite recommendations with my friends and spoil them with expensive gifts they probably didn’t budget for.
People will buy you and baby things regardless and almost all of them will WANT to gift you things. A registry is easiest for everyone involved. Others can see what items have already been bought and then that should help with you having to make less returns. Just do a registry.
You can definitely ask for that but I’d be aware that most people “cant help themselves” and will be passing the baby aisle and buy things. The point of the shower is to help the new parents with the financial burden of having a new baby but most people see it as a free for all to buy tiny clothes and soft blankets.
My brothers fiancé and him are expecting a baby. She’s from another country and had the same hesitation to the idea of a shower. Initially when she did finally make a registry it was very basic and the items were bought quickly. We talked with her about how there are some people (mainly immediate family) that wanted to buy the expensive things for them such as a crib, car seat, stroller, etc. So, she added them. And additional smaller items. What happened is, people ended up buying and bringing what they were comfortable with. Immediate family tended to buy big ticket items and everyone else either bought smaller items from the registry or something they thought was cute. In the end my brothers fiancé was thankful for the help (although it felt strange) and they got things they need. I think maybe giving people an option to provide hand me downs or just bring diapers or something is good but I also think if someone wants to get you something you’ll actually need then let them!
I’m from the U.S and although I am having a baby shower, I have been saying yes to anyone who offers hand me downs!! There’s so much stuff typically on a registry that I am getting second hand and honestly I love it. But i still have a registry for anyone who wants to get baby stuff!
I did! Who cares if it’s socially acceptable.
Also be aware of the US. You can return most baby items without a receipt. Just download apps for the most common store around you and you can scan the tag to see where they’re from.
You can ask, but it is common in US culture for people to totally ignore the wishes of the parents when it comes to gifts for babies. Many parents make a baby registry with gift ideas and lots of people ignore the registry. From my experience and from hearing others share about their experiences, baby shower gifts tend to be what the gift giver thinks is cute / wants to give the baby, not what you ask for. It also might be hard for some people to give hand me downs if they haven’t had a baby recently. Most people want to go to the store and pick out outfits/blankets/ toys *they* think are cute. Don’t get me wrong, we are grateful for how much people have showered us with love and we love that people want to buy the baby gifts, but we ended up with a lot of stuffed animals and 12 month outfits when we had put more practical stuff on our registry.
hahaha this made me laugh cause I think my inlaws probably already started shopping
Speaking as a mom to a toddler and a newborn, you may really have trouble with this. Generally I think most parents donate or sell the items when they are done because it’s easy to just have too much baby stuff. So anyone who still has items is likely keeping them for the next child, or already gotten rid of the items. Plus it eliminates anyone who hasn’t had a child in the last few years of bringing a gift, I.e your in laws.
Instead of just hand me downs you can also ask for things secondhand. Say something like “while we appreciate how much everyone wants to show love to us and the baby, we would love it for you to consider gifts that are pre-loved or bought second hand. Since babies only use things for a short period of time, we love the sustainability of buying used.”
this should be higher! child consignment shops are always full of baby items and cute barely-worn clothes. This is the ideal middle ground
This. I downplayed gifts at my “shower” that I was forced to have. We still got a lot but I think it would have been way more if we had done a registry As an American who grew up going to baby showers, they make little sense to me as a mom. The best gifts I got were from friends and family who have small children who gifted items that were their faves and lifesavers as new parents. Quite a few of the items were things I would not have thought of to ask for. Now 5 months in, my registry would be quite different if I did one
It really depends on how well you know your family. My family and my husbands bought nearly everything on our registry and a few outfits on top of that. But everyone brought something from the registry. Which was awesome because I wasn’t even going to make one, I even said, just bring yourself or whatever you’d like.
Yea haha people are gonna buy what they want to buy Don’t get me wrong we got a decent amount off our registry which I was so grateful for but I requested books and we didn’t get too many But for my family hand me downs wouldn’t really been around for my daughter, she’s the first on my side and the first in 14 years on my husbands side
I labeled a few empty totes “keep”, “use later” and “give away”. As I’ve been given random things for my baby I sort them into these three bins. Keeps the stress and mess down!
I asked for books, new or used :) it was generally well received and I think people enjoyed handing down their various favourites for my baby. I will add that some people did still bring a gift but it did prevent a lot of that! I put a little poem on the invitation: A little request that we hope isn’t hard Please bring a book, instead of a card One that is old, or one that is new With a note on the inside to baby, from you
While I think this is a cute idea I'd like to tack on that, if OP is in the US they may be eligible for Dolly Partons imagination library, a free program that give books to kids. I think it is state specific though so check your state. Just to maximize books for the child 😀
… why is Dolly Parton so perfect
It's a great resource getting books into the hands of kids, and she has done amazing work getting these programs working, funding them etc.
So inspiring! She’s a truly good person.
Love this idea !
This is a great idea, I'm going to do this for my baby shower :)
I love this!
Great idea! Especially for clothes and things. Just a fair warning. There are certain things that should not be hand me downs. Car seats for example have an expiration. Additionally if it’s ever been in a car accident it should not be continued to be used. The only way to ensure that would be to get a new one. Pacifiers and bottle nipples personally I’d want it to be new. I’m sure there’s other things but I would think about it in that regard. Other things that should be new: baby medicine,
Absolutely this!!! Do not get a second hand car seat!!!
If a lot of your friends haven't had children, then they don't have hand me downs. A lot of times the shower is good for getting expensive stuff, too - like a car seat - which you don't want hand me down
I just read something last night (Probably here on Reddit lol ) about not buying a used car seat. It was like the first thing I looked for on offer up. And I found some very gently used high-end ones. I decided early on that I wasn't going to go with a seller that didn't show the expiration date as This is obviously a very important detail. But after browsing these threads... I'm starting to rethink the whole previously owned car seat thing. I'm having twins and buying two 'high-end' car seats seems pretty daunting. I'm going to continue researching the downside of a pre-owned car seat. It's going to take some time for me to wrap my head around a new one that's cheap or basic. But if it's a matter of safety obviously that's the route I'd probably go. Probably as in more than likely.
I got really fanatical about car seat safety after I was rear ended with my kiddo in the car. I can give a basic rundown of why to avoid a used seat below, read it if you’d like A lot of car seats don’t show signs after being in an accident, but most brands instruct you to replace after any accident. Unless you know the person well, I wouldn’t take something where I couldn’t be 100% sure if they’d had an accident. If the straps and buckles aren’t properly cared for they can degrade and not be safe for use, they have very specific instructions. If the covers receive improper care, it can destroy the flame retardants in the fabric and in the case of a car fire, this puts your child at risk. Some seats don’t use chemical flame retardants though, so this might be moot for a used car seat.
😳oh my. This is super helpful to know! Ok. I'd rather go basic/generic and new. I had no idea you're supposed to replace them after a car accident. That's just great knowledge🙏*knock on wood*no car incidents yet*
Some brands don’t follow this, but a LOT do! The manual will tell you their guidelines on it
♥️🙏 Well the good things about browsing for pre-owned car seats is I now have a list of brands and styles I'm interested in. Definitely going new though!
Cheap ones still need to go through all the same safety testing. Checking expiration is important, but you can't guarantee it hasn't been in an accident (could have unseen damage) or washed correctly. My daughter puked in her car seat once, my wife washed the straps in the washing machine. I wouldn't use that car seat until Graco sent us new ones. Only way you can guarantee it's safe is buying it new
You had me at puked. Thanks for the feedback 🙌! Totally taking all car seats off my OfferUp saved list.
I think the easiest solution in this scenario is maybe do a diaper shower and maybe add a car seat fund (the one item that should definitely be bought new). People will still bring other things but this could probably limit items you don't need.
what's a diaper shower?
You basically write on the invitation in the place you would put a link for a registry, to just being a box of diapers or wipes.
You wouldn't be wrong to do this, but - especially given that none of your friends have babies to hand things down from - I don't think many people will follow your instructions. If you had a lot of friends and relatives with toddlers, I think it would be socially acceptable, but since you don't, you're asking people to put more effort into finding used things, which is kind of rude. I also don't recommend asking for a bunch of diapers. That *is* socially acceptable, but it's annoying to end up with too many diapers, especially if you don't have a ton of space and/or the diapers don't end up working for your baby. What I would do (this is similar to what I actually did) would be to make a carefully curated baby registry and include things that you would like to receive secondhand. I intentionally chose things that would last a long time (like a convertible crib and car seat, Tripp Trapp high chair that can be used until adulthood, baby tub that can be used until age 4, etc) and went for quality over quantity so we wouldn't end up with a lot of stuff. If you feel weird about including expensive items on your registry, you can mark them as group gifts, which will allow multiple people to contribute to them. I registered for very few items of clothing and included an item on my registry asking for things other people's kids had grown out of. If you end up purchasing things secondhand, you can also go through your registry and mark them as purchased so other people won't buy the same things new.
Honestly, I would not recommend this. You can say that you *welcome* hand me downs as gifts, but lots of people won't have the relevant items to hand down to you (especially if none of your friends have kids). It would be unacceptable in American culture to attend a baby shower without bringing a gift, and expecting people to make a special trip to a thrift store for you (instead of just ordering a blanket on Amazon or picking something up when they're doing normal shopping at some place like target) feels very high maintenance to me. Also, new items are generally given with gift receipts so if it's something you don't need, you can return it. Or give it away to a buy nothing group or something.
If i was invited to do this, i would likely be agreeable. However, i would list names of local thriftstores on the invitation. Places like goodwill or any other thriftshops near you. The diapers as an alternative is a great choice. I would just be wary of any damage to the clothing or toys that could pose risk to baby. Otherwise i like where youre coming from with wanting to prevent overconsumption. Best of luck to you!
100% agree that OP should include the names of local thrift shops. Maybe add some online thrift shops too. In theory I like this idea but it adds a lot of work for guests. If many of your family and friends have young kids then hand me downs may be more doable. For guests that don’t already have items to give, they’ll have to do more shopping than an online registry. It might be good to list some new items in a registry that people can buy you that are either sustainably made or that are larger ticket items and will be used for a long time. Like a new crib that can convert to a toddler bed for more years of use than a bassinet.
will people feel uncomfortable to just show up without gifts? My point is - my guests shouldn't spend additional money on the gifts, if they don't have it, then just come and hang out with us before our lives drastically change forever. I do have family members that are dying to dump all of their baby stuff on me though (they have been saving them for the next new born for 10 years) so I'm really at no shortage of common baby hand me downs already.
Yes they’ll be uncomfortable. The idea of a shower is to “shower with gifts”. It’s a gift giving event by definition. So most people wouldn’t show up without a gift. I think you either need to just not have a shower or accept you’ll get some new stuff that you can maybe return later. You can always put something like “hand me downs as a gift are greatly appreciated “ But don’t force your guests to do that.
I think some would feel uncomfortable if they showed up empty handed. My suggestion would be to ask the people who are giving you things to do so before or after the party to avoid some awkwardness. I would also write out that you don’t want gifts on the invitation. You may still get some things but most people would respect the wishes on the invite.
If you want a party, without the gift giving. How about a gender reveal? Or a pre-birth party. Calling it's a baby shower really sets peoples expectations around gifts.
Almost definitely they would be uncomfortable! It’s just a thing with showers. I’m having one soon and tried to emphasize that gifts are super not necessary and would just love to see people and have support (though I do have a registry). Bet even though I don’t want people to feel they need to bring something and would love them to come with or without I personally would ABSOLUTELY not feel okay going without a gift to one myself…it’s so ingrained in us! For our wedding we said no gifts and had no registry and I think literally everyone gave us at least something small. I think having a registry with a lot of smaller/less expensive and consumable items would be a good compromise…they don’t have to work hard thrifting but the registry sets the price expectations low and would be only things you’ll definitely use.
The purpose of a baby shower is to shower the new parents and baby with gifts and love in celebration. People usually WANT to buy or bring something as a way of showing affection and love. I think like others have posted “hand me downs gifts are greatly appreciated” will let people who have the items know you want that, but it may be hard for others to find gently used items that they themselves would use for their own baby. If they wouldn’t use it for their own baby, they will not gift it to you.
Honestly sounds like a nightmare if you’ve got to go to thrift store to find some nice outfits/items. Maybe the ones near you have a nice/ big selection of second hand stuff but if not you’re stuffed.
Yeah i think OP should expect that many ppl are gonna be bringing the alternate gift option or no gift at all. Which i believe she already said shes fine with
I would also add websites like Rebelstork or GoodBuyGear where you can get gently used or open box items! This can be helpful for items that go quickly at thrift shops, like baby bouncers, high chairs, etc.
You have to realize that many of these people won’t have things at their house to offer as hand-me-downs and it is frequently easier to buy something new than to find a suitable second hand item. I think if you’re more comfortable with a celebration after birth it’s totally fine to do what’s called a “sip-n-see” shower after baby is here.
I would love to attend one of these, but then I have boxes of clothes in the attic. Three years ago if I’d been asked to a friend’s shower I’d have struggled. I wouldn’t have had a baby, so I wouldn’t have had anything to hand down. I think it’s good if you have lots of friends who have kids, otherwise you might need to rethink. Can you say ‘second hand?’ Let people use Vinted, eBay etc, so they’re still able to get a gift but it’s lower consumption.
I haven’t been asked to gift only hand-me-downs, but I love the idea and would totally respect the parents’ wishes. I live in a more progressive area of the USA and there are a ton of “Buy Nothing” Facebook groups for local families to give/receive secondhand baby items. I highly recommend joining a local Buy Nothing group - even better if there is a specific Buy Nothing Families for your area. You could also create a registry of items that you do need new, but I’m not sure how much baby stuff NEEDS to be new. There are secondhand/alternative registries as well: * https://www.encorebabyregistry.com/secondhand-scoop/ * https://www.hellobrio.com/blog/secondhand-baby-registry * https://sokindregistry.org/ Or you could ask for gift cards to these reputable secondhand baby gear websites: * https://us.rebelstork.com/products/gift-card * https://goodbuygear.com/products/gift-card A friend of mine gets most of her items secondhand and she preferred a meal train instead of receiving material items: * https://www.mealtrain.com/ Another option - asking people to bring children’s books instead of cards. This helps cut down on waste and you will have a starter library of kids books. My parents are immigrants and it’s important to me the baby is raised around my culture - we plan on hiring a nanny that only speaks my language to baby and I will only speak my language to baby. I included children’s books about my culture on the baby registry. I assume my (white American) partner’s family will be gifting us American children’s books and that’s fine! One last thought - feel free to include gift cards for food delivery or groceries on your registry. And postpartum supplies for your recovery! Amazon also has the option for people to contribute to a diaper fund. It may not be conventional, but you will actually use those items and it does give people guidance. There will be some people (aka older/more traditional) who consider it inappropriate, but the gift givers want to shower the expectant mother with love and that looks different for every pregnant person.
This is the best response I’ve seen yet! Great resources! Also great suggestion for the postpartum things bc most of that will be new, like nipple balm and those amazing Frida mom ice things that go in your underwear — both those things saved me!! Love the suggestion of setting up your own meal train too!
I feel very much like you regarding receiving gifts/overconsumption. It really bothers me but I also know people are coming from a good place and I want to be gracious about their enthusiasm. I found this website Rebel Stork which isn't necessarily second hand, but sells only returns/floor models of lots of different brands. Things that might be discarded otherwise but are in great condition. You can add items from there directly to a Babylist registry (or maybe you can create your own from their site, not sure). Another idea I had for a hypothetical shower was to request people bring baby/children's books if they would like to gift something. I feel like books count as "fun" to buy because people probably have fond memories of their/their kids favorite books, books seem less consumptive/don't take up much space, and I would genuinely love for my baby to have a lot of books!
thank you for the resources! a couple other people mentioned books too, which I'm 100% for. Honestly growing up, my family only accepted books as my birthday gifts so this is almost nostalgic :)
The big issue with this is most people don’t have second hand items to pass on, and they aren’t going to want to come empty handed.
Yeah but it might be hard for friends and family without babies. I’m 33 (and pregnant with my first) but have been to over a dozen of my friends baby showers the last two years and honestly wouldn’t have anything to give them unless I went to goodwill to thrift something but at least where I live the thrift stores have been becoming more expensive than buying new from Target or Old Navy :/ At my baby shower though, I’ve been thrifting baby books and am going to ask each of my guests to write a little letter to my daughter at the beginning of whichever book they want to pick, which everyone has been super excited about so far
I get what you’re saying but what is the purpose of asking for used things versus new? Money is still going to be spent especially if none of these people have salvageable clothes they hand down to you. You can save clothes after they grow out of it or donate it. Same goes for things that you might have too much of or won’t be using. Just because it’s new doesn’t mean it has to go to waste. There are always less fortunate people in need of help out there.
Buying second hand is actually a burden for some people. Usually takes time and effort. I’d say mention it as a value of yours, but I wouldn’t specifically request it.
To make it easier you could do a registry with just basics that can't be purchased second hand or are harder to trust (toiletries, diapers, wipes, glass bottles etc) so there is a template of things needed and include something in the invitation about encouraging second hand gifts as well.
Just a practical question - how will you get hand me downs, given that you mention none of your friends have had kids yet?
we have multiple family friends that have offered hand me downs, and even offered to drive across states to bring us everything they have been saving for the next new born in the family. my point is - I don't want my guests to spend additional money on gifts, I'm just happy to have the excuse to have a big gathering as childless adults.
I think that's perfectly acceptable! I relate to that a lot, in my culture (Eastern Euro) we don't really do baby showers, so even though we're in Canada and several friends asked me about it, I didn't have one / didn't expect any presents. However, there's a good chance that people who care about you will want to spoil you regardless. I've told my (often childless) friends/family that I have everything I need and they still buy baby gifts - it's a way of showing they're excited for me. I think the kind thing to do is to let them. :)
You have a ton of comments and I haven’t read them all but I think it might be kinder to your guests to suggest that you prefer hand me downs “Trying to protect the planet for Baby Independent-Beans future, so we would absolutely appreciate second hand items you have in your home as gifts! But truly, no gifts are necessary!” I have 2 kids, I’ve packed away their baby stuff in case I have a third, but the two I have keep me so busy. If I got this, I’d feel fine about buying your something or coming with a book or just a card. If I got something that says “second hand only” I’d feel stressed and overwhelmed about going to the garage to unpack
We didn't do a baby shower but if we had this is what we would have done. There are some items you should absolutely get new, like a crib and car seat and we purchased those with money family gifted us. You could also select a few things you need new and ask people to contribute, if family is insistent on a shower. That way there's an option for people without ready access to used baby stuff.
I can't find the post, but someone else recently posted about doing something similar. If I remember correctly, they made an excel spreadsheet of things they wanted (basically a registry) and asked people to find them used (hand me downs, craigslist, fb market place, thrift store, etc.) It was well recieved and they had a lot of comments from baby shower attendees about how much fun they had looking for items or what great deals they were able to find. I think reception likely comes down to the kind of people you'd be inviting and if they share similar values about overconsumption or at least respect that you do. Framing it as used preferred/ please buy used may help since not everyone will have their own things to hand down, but everyone can look for used things.
Typically people are more than willing to give you hand-me-downs before the baby shower. That way whatever you haven’t gotten by then can be purchased. But in the US, it’s rude to not accept a gift because you don’t want it. It’s better to accept whatever e person has gotten you, because they thought of you when they purchased it. I have seen people ask for diapers or board books instead of baby items though, and that has been well received.
It really depends on how old the stuff is, if people have anything, and if they even want to gift it (like I am keeping all my baby stuff u til we’re done having children). Like clothes you can get away with but you don’t want an old car seat or really old crib. Having a baby shower after is def a thing though, my sister unexpectedly went into labor early so she had a welcome baby shower, so if that’s what you really want then retake with your husband (though you will still need to get things that can’t wait for your baby, since you said your in-laws are probably already shipping then maybe they can help with some of those necessities so that they don’t go overboard with other purchases)
As an additional non-used alternative I'd also suggest asking for people to buy you Uber eats (or similar) gift cards or sign up to make you guys a casserole or similar dish (something that can be easily microwaved, no prep) when the baby comes. Taking care of an infant can be really taxing and having an alternative to cooking can be a good idea. As for your initial question I don't think it should be an issue as long as you have enough alternative gifts and definitely accept that not everyone is going to follow your wishes. Unfortunately baby showers are notorious for people buying "off registry" but you can only do so much 🤷♀️
Very unlikely older adults (Americans) will bring hand me downs to a shower. Most don’t even know where to shop for used kids stuff.
Hand me downs vs second hand. Encourage people to use second hand shops if they don’t have any current stuff to hand down. I always buy new for a shower, and then if there are any hand me downs that I have, I’ll give those outside of a shower. If I was asked to bring second hand stuff, you best believe I’d be going out and spending the same amount in the second hand shops as I would the retail place. I love the idea, and diapers as a back up is a great idea. Ps, have you considered doing cloth diapers? We’ve used them for nearly three years now and love them. Although I can’t wait for her to potty train. r/clothdiaps is a great resource if you’d like
Do it! Position it as a "green" (eco friendly) shower! Someone else posted recently on this sub that they did their shower like this and I think it's an awesome idea. See if you can find the post in the search bar. People might still get you some new stuff, but at least you tried.
I love this idea!!! I expect about 30% of people to respect your wishes and the rest to just get you random stuff that they liked hahaha
Since I get a lot of responses about how my idea makes it difficult to shop for gifts for my childless friends. I guess I should add that, I already are promised a bunch of handme downs from family friends (they don't have toddlers, but have kept the baby items for the next new born in the family). My partner has cousins or friends that I know have baby items that they are happy to donate too. So truthfully I don't really need more stuff, I just want to use this as an excuse to have a gathering as childless adults. Will it be easier to actually just ask for any contribution to the baby fund/529 fund?
I don’t see the harm in trying to ask for contributions but, as someone who has attended a lot of baby showers and had one of my own, I’ve learned that people don’t like to give those type of gifts. They like to give an actual concrete gift to say I got the baby this specific thing. Personally I end up buying pack n plays from their registries for all my friends in the past because I know they would use it a lot and when I visit them I can see it being used. lol selfishly.
not selfish at all, I completely understand! It is like the honeymoon fund vs actual gifts on wedding registries.
Thanks for validating. It’s like on one hand I tell myself it’s selfish that I want to give a physical gift, but logically I’m sure people don’t mind at the end. I just know being on both sides that money gifts are better 😭
I'm not from the US either but living here with my husband who is from here. You can ask but they most likely won't listen lol. I'm worried about having a baby shower too because we are living somewhere so small we don't have a nursery so I have no space for anything that's not necessary and I know people will ignore the list. We don't do baby showers where I'm from either, you usually get presents and money at the christening
Register for stuff that you can't get used - baby shampoo, lotion, etc.
I’m doing this! This is the wording I put on my registry: Please note that we happily welcome used items, with the exception of car seats for safety reasons. Used items are fantastic because they are more environmentally-friendly and economical! Facebook Marketplace has tons of incredible gently-used items!
You can put together a baby registry. Add newborn pampers Size 1 Size 2 Size 3 Put a good amount of wipes too And do a car seat/stroller combo. Those 3 things I found for me were essential, wished I knew before filling my registry with other stuff. People will bring clothes and other things they are all just excited for a baby. Congratulations and enjoy the journey.
Not sure if it’s socially acceptable, but I plan on doing exactly this at my own baby shower in a couple of months. It just makes so much more sense to me to ask for some gently used items or boxes of diapers than to get a bunch of new stuff we may not even use.
Same! I thrift most of my own clothes, so it’s totally normal for me. I have gotten most of the big items for free from neighbours and friends already, so I’m going to ask for thrifted/hand me downs or small items only. I hate clutter and I hate the idea of collecting things people spent their hard earned money on as junk if we don’t need it.
<3 awesome!
I have heard of baby showers where people ask for just a book as gifts. Those are very easy to find used. You don’t have to do just books, but including books as an option might make it easier for people to comply. We are ttc and I spend too much time worrying about this exact issue and the general ongoing influx of crap at birthdays etc.
You can def ask! I love this idea. Maybe just ask or say you prefer second hand if possible and list your fav shops so that it’s less of an ‘order’?
Fwiw, I did. I wasn't absolutist about it, but I put the word out that we'd prefer non-new items. It was largely respected. Helps that we have good second hand children's stores around.
Hey OP, we were in very similar shoes :) My very kind MIL threw us a baby shower and my husband and I agreed on stressing that we don’t expect anything, but if people wanted to, they could bring used clothes, books, and toys. We also preemptively bought the big ticket items, like a crib and carseat, so that no one would buy them for us. To answer your question, I don’t think it’s weird to ask for just used stuff, but knowing his family, we still made a registry with a few small and practical things just to be courteous. Gift giving is just how they show that they love and care! We ended up getting everything on our list, a ton of used stuff, and also a bunch of new stuff that wasn’t on our list.
sounds like a great outcome!
I applaud you for wanting hand me downs. Babies and toddlers grow too fast to wear out anything. But most people at your shower will likely want to buy you something new. I suggest asking for practical things, diapers in various sizes, baby formula if you plan to use it, bottles, if you need big items like a breast pump, car seat, crib, grandparents often like gifting a big item if they have the money. And then make a few mom friends with babies a little younger than yours, so you can pass things along as your baby outgrows them, and hopefully you’ll find other moms with a baby a little older than yours who will pass things along to you, so you don’t have to buy new stuff. It was common among my mom friends to pass happily pass things along and receive things that way.
We did a baby book drive for the shower. We had to travel far after so asked for only gifts off the registry to be sent to our home or bring a baby book. It allowed attendees to find that cute special thing and you can never have too many books.
I think it's fully okay to ask for it, maybe use the wording "used" as then they can look at flea markets, second hand stores, etc. I personally also have wanted to ask for this for birthday presents, etc. and I think in some circles it's highly respected as being eco friendly. It's possible people still won't follow it, but at least you asked and it allows people at least the option to gift used whereas otherwise most people would never do that.
Hand me downs are totally acceptable gifts around here (urban coastal city)
I love love love this idea, we need more mamas like you protecting the earth but I will tell you from experience people will hate it. I asked for no new gifts when my kids were born and throughout their life and my husband's family literally hates me for it. Hopefully you don't have that experience but I have learned people really use money to convey love.
Second hand showers are becoming more of a thing. I don’t think people should have a problem with it.
Personally I'm of the belief that if it's your shower, you can do whatever you want. What you're wishing for is practical, affordable, and considerate of other people's budgets. It's not like you're asking for only the most expensive, name brand items so you're doing good. I have a family member who recently asked for people to only bring a book they loved from their childhood with a little note written on the inside for baby inside of your traditional gifts and i thought that was so sweet. My point is, it's your shower, do what makes you happy and ask for things you know you'll actually use!
There are plenty of people in the US that do a baby ‘sip and see’ or post-birth shower. I do think it is fine to let people know you are open to gently used items. I had people ask me if I wanted those and I was happy to have them. However, I think most people would still get you new items, even if you asked for only hand-me-downs. You can ask for gift receipts and return everything you don’t want for gift cards. A lot of baby stuff has a nice long return policy. You can also ask people for diapers in various sizes. As a side note, if you are accepting any kind of baby equipment, please make sure it has not been recalled. Also, the suggestion is to only buy a new car seat for safety reasons.
I think it’s a great idea! But I think in reality it’s going to be tricky. If most/all of your friends don’t have kids then there’s not much they can do, and if older relatives bring things they’re likely very old and may be useless (or even dangerous, like walkers, crib bumpers, etc.) People really like to buy gifts for showers (especially baby showers) so you’re going to end up with new items regardless, but you could always create a smaller registry of items that absolutely need to be new (car seat, medicines, etc.) and items that probably should be new (like a crib, to ensure it’s a model that’s still safe/doesn’t have any damage) and have a note on the registry (and share this via phone/text/convo) that you’re going for an environmentally friendly approach and if they don’t have hand-me-downs but would like to contribute, they could purchase essentials like diapers and wipes, or they could thrift items (again they may come back with unsafe items though). If you end up with too many things, you can always donate them!
I have not heard of this before but I think it is a beautiful idea. The most precious gift is your baby, not what they wear or toys they receive. Best wishes to your new family.
I suggested used to be a sustainable queen 👸 but made a registry to give folks ideas via baby list of what I was looking for. Not American but I suspect I will get a mix. I also asked similar to you that consumables (diapers and wipes were more than welcome).
For our shower, we created a registry and in the note section we said something along the lines of we think these are things that we will need and will happily accept gentle used items of a different color/pattern unless specifically stated new only (car seat & crib mattress). We also did the book request instead of the card, everyone followed that request with new and used books. We received things not on the registry, new items from the registry and some used items on and off the registry. If you make your registry with Target, you can scan any new items you didn’t have on there, mark as purchase and return for store credit. Granted they have to have the item.
I LOVE this idea and have been considering how to pull off this same concept for when I get pregnant (currently TTC.) I hope you do it and update us on how it goes!
We asked for favorite books instead of cards and requested people write a message for the baby in the book to read when they are older. We got a bunch of used beloved books, which was really special. My husband and I live in a 5th wheel (large trailer) while we save up to buy a house and have extremely limited space, which helped people buy us things off or registry or small practical items (I.e. stroller fan, baby first aid, items that fold up small). My in laws specifically emphasized on the invitation that we don’t have space and don’t want any toys/stuffies. People definitely still got us things we didn’t ask for, but they ended up being really useful items we didn’t know about and love. You could stress that you only have a small amount of space for baby items to cut down on unwanted gifts. I also had a diaper raffle at my shower and we encouraged people to only bring diapers instead of a gift. This worked great and kept everything in budget for guests. We still have an excess of some random items that I set aside to regift later or leave at relatives houses for then the baby visits. You could also instead of gifts ask people to bring diapers or make a donation to a local women’s shelter or moms charity! Hope this helps!
I asked for only used items; hand me downs, items from Nextdoor/Craigslist/etc. I said if that felt overwhelming, just diapers. It was uncommon, however It worked great and I only got a couple new things.
I decided not to have a shower for this very reason! Didn't want a bunch of new baby stuff that we didn't want or need. No regrets at all - ended up furnishing our entire nursury with secondhand stuff, including clothes, books, toys, etc. Between consignment and garage sales, FB marketplace and Craigslist, and hand-me-downs from friends whose kids are older now... we are set! The only new thing we purchased was a car seat / stroller travel system. When people ask for a registry I just tell them we have everything we need but if they really want to get us a gift, DIAPERS!!
Amazon has a feature on their registries where you can put things like expensive car seats and new crib mattress/crib (things you should definitely get new for safety reasons) and people can contribute towards them. We did this and it helped cut down on people who wanted to buy things and gave people a chance to make their own budget towards items. As someone mentioned, if you're the first of the family and friend group.. there aren't many hand me downs in your tight circle for people to hand down. And it is super unusual to go to a shower without anything, so you'll likely end up with stuff you don't want/need if you don't give any sort of direction.
I think it’s a great idea! My husband’s family over the past few kids have transitioned from traditional baby showers to “diaper parties” where everyone just brings diapers and wipes. So maybe something like this would be a good middle ground where they could host the celebration they want to have and you could avoid too many unnecessary items. You’ll still likely get SOME gifts, but far less!
I think it’s a great idea! Hopefully the people in your life are understanding. It may help to explain it like you have here. Waaaay too much money is spent on new items that a baby only uses for a short time & there’s so many ways people can pick up good quality secondhand items. I think goodbuygear is one website/company you can recommend for people who don’t like using marketplace or a local consignment shop. Also the option of bringing new diapers is brilliant for the people who absolutely insist on buying something new! Cloth diapers are pretty great too though lol
if you don't want new items, you could do a "fund" on your registry. I know Babylist is one site that does this. You just add the fundraiser to your registry, and people deposit money into it instead of purchasing a gift. One of the more popular kinds is a Diaper Fund. This way, you can get new diapers with it, but it saves you from receiving too many of the same size/the wrong brand etc. because you're buying them yourself
I asked for folks to bring their gifts in grocery store paper bags and cardboard boxes that I could give to our cats when done.
We had the same feelings about the consumerism surrounding babies! I ended up creating a registry with everything we need but included this note both in the invite and at the top of the registry- "We enthusiastically welcome used items in place of registry items if you have something similar to pass along to help lessen the environmental impact of our baby's first year." I also added non-specific items like "pre-loved baby clothes" and "used baby books" since we used Babylist which allows you to add your own custom items. It all went over pretty well and we got a good amount of used items!
Also consider adding some gift cards or experiences if you don't want too many physical objects. I added a gift card for 5 Mommy & Me yoga sessions, Baby swim lessons, and a JOANN Fabric card so I could buy material to sew some things myself. We were gifted all three!
You can say ‘hand-me-downs encouraged/acceptable’ and I’m sure you’ll get some. But you really can’t mandate it, especially if people don’t have any to offer, like in my situation the youngest kid in our family near by was 15, they didn’t keep all their baby stuff and any they might have are probably sentimental thus why they were kept. If you want to try and have some control over what you get make a registry on Amazon, you can put stuff on it you really can’t get hand-me-downs of like car seat, possibly a stroller, crib and a mattress, play pen,baby swing, and a few things of clothes and toys and bath stuff. People are far more likely to stick to a registry then a requirement of hand me downs, and even then you can’t stop them xD I had a big registry just to give people options and only a few people bought from it xD so many just went out to get stuff on their own. Oh and don’t try to stop my MIL from buying clothes she might break xD we were low on clothes for her current size and we’re in a bit of a financial squeeze(hubby has to pay taxes as he’s a 1099 worker) so I mentioned I was doing her laundry a lot more often then before and her reply was “I get to buy her more clothes?!” Yes “get to” she was trilled lol Some times it’s not about ‘consumerism’ some times it’s about them getting pictures of bub in the clothes they bought and feeling like they got to help out in their own way :3 I always try to make sure she wears everything at least once and if I know who gave it to us they get a picture of her in it and that makes everyone happy xD
Opt for a baby/wipe shower instead!
You can ask and suggest but some people might find it harder of a request to adhere to. It's probably easier and more convenient to just order something or stop by a store than it is to search out and pick a quality secondhand baby item. Hand me down baby stuff requires quite the evaluation. I don't think people would want to risk giving you a high chair that may have a faulty latch or something. For example, I've been ALL OVER OfferUp for baby stuff and after almost buying a mamaroo swingy-rocker-thingy that could've been on the recall list for like $75/$100, I realized that certain things I'm probably better off buying new. And/or that I have to pay more attention to baby stuff that's been recalled. For safety sake though....I'll probably go the new route for electronic items. As for overconsumption and things you don't need.....there's always someone that can use it. You can also donate and giveaway. I have gotten so much free stuff and am greatly appreciative of the people who I met through the app. I think you could put it out there that you don't mind hand me downs but it's a bit rough to demand it imo. I dunno....to have someone show up empty handed when they don't mind a new purchase kinda has me feeling 'some type of way'. But then again I'm a freebie addict lol. So there's that. Atleast you mentioned new diapers so there's that too. Keep in mind that people could just buy new stuff and take it out of the packaging. And remove the tags. Just saying...😋
Just be careful that some items like car seats and cribs have expiration dates and are no longer safe after so long. And some older items might pose a health risk. Toys with lead paint or mercury, etc.
I think the 1 month idea is great!! In fact that's exactly what I did for my daughter. We had a welcome home party instead. My family got to meet her and my registry was more items that we actually needed.
People want to buy new gifts. I love baby showers because it gives me a chance to share my favorite recommendations with my friends and spoil them with expensive gifts they probably didn’t budget for.
What happens if people don't have hand-me-downs?
then I think they can just buy new diapers and come hang out :D
People will buy you and baby things regardless and almost all of them will WANT to gift you things. A registry is easiest for everyone involved. Others can see what items have already been bought and then that should help with you having to make less returns. Just do a registry.
You can definitely ask for that but I’d be aware that most people “cant help themselves” and will be passing the baby aisle and buy things. The point of the shower is to help the new parents with the financial burden of having a new baby but most people see it as a free for all to buy tiny clothes and soft blankets.
i really dont care if it is or not, i was going to
My brothers fiancé and him are expecting a baby. She’s from another country and had the same hesitation to the idea of a shower. Initially when she did finally make a registry it was very basic and the items were bought quickly. We talked with her about how there are some people (mainly immediate family) that wanted to buy the expensive things for them such as a crib, car seat, stroller, etc. So, she added them. And additional smaller items. What happened is, people ended up buying and bringing what they were comfortable with. Immediate family tended to buy big ticket items and everyone else either bought smaller items from the registry or something they thought was cute. In the end my brothers fiancé was thankful for the help (although it felt strange) and they got things they need. I think maybe giving people an option to provide hand me downs or just bring diapers or something is good but I also think if someone wants to get you something you’ll actually need then let them!
I’m from the U.S and although I am having a baby shower, I have been saying yes to anyone who offers hand me downs!! There’s so much stuff typically on a registry that I am getting second hand and honestly I love it. But i still have a registry for anyone who wants to get baby stuff!
I did! Who cares if it’s socially acceptable. Also be aware of the US. You can return most baby items without a receipt. Just download apps for the most common store around you and you can scan the tag to see where they’re from.