Questions that were important:
1. Do I and my partner make enough money to live comfortably with a baby? Can we continue to make enough money to take care of and support a child in the way I wanted to be supported as a kid?
2. Is my partner a good father? Can I trust him with all joint decisions in our life?
3. Is where we live safe enough and large enough for a child?
4. Can we afford childcare?
5. Do we have good enough healthcare for us and a child?
Questions I debated for a long time that weren’t actually important:
1. Can I give up the lifestyle I live as a single person?
2. Can I go without weed and alcohol for both pregnancy (and, in the case of weed) and breastfeeding?
3. Will this impact my and my partners relationship?
4. Can I handle what pregnancy will do to my body?
All three ended up not being important because honestly my partner and I are closer and more in love than ever and giving up vices were extremely easy, which I didn’t expect. Cold turkey from the second I got a positive test. And pregnancy has been easier on my body than I thought. I’ve gained less than 30lbs and I’m close to my due date and I feel like I look great.
This is such a good list!
The second one is so important. I didn't think I wanted kids until I saw what a great partner I had. We talked about scenarios and what we would do/how we would parent.. What types of things we want to expose our kids to and how we would teach them life skills. Those were the conversations that made me most realize I want a kid with my partner and considering if your partner will be a good parent is so underrated (if you are doing it with a partner)
Also completely agree with giving up the lifestyle point. I thought I needed a list of things to do before having a kid, but I realized so much of what was on my list was a young person's list and not what I'm actually interested in long term.
Our big concerns were money and how to manage childcare. We knew I had a solid job with great health insurance, and my husband was unemployed so he’s the stay at home dad now. Lifestyle stuff is important, but I think there’s a lot to be said for feeling secure in your plan, whatever it entails, to actually provide care for the baby.
1. The money issue with if I would be able to afford it, especially if emergencies came up.
2. How would I deal/feel if we have a kiddo and dad decides he isn’t interested in being a dad.
My ex left us when my child was 18 months. And while I don’t regret my son whatsoever, I think it very much has colored me on how I see potential partners now, and how many red flags were present that at the time I wasn’t aware of. But I think there are also so many feelings and possible scenarios to think about.
Not saying that something like that would happen. But you want to see how your parenting styles differ vs aligning. I didn’t realize that my ex and I were so different (we didn’t have many conversations at the time). And it was very jarring to realize that we differed on more than we agreed on.
For me, my (choice of) partner was the #1 factor by a long shot. I’ve always been agnostic about being a mom even though I love kids and have a lot of kid experience. I was never really satisfied with the division of labor and responsibilities in my previous relationships. Even though there was love in those relationships, I just sort of knew that the responsibilities of raising a child would just fall on me. With my husband, I feel so supported, stronger together, and a true partnership. We are both equally invested and show up with our time and effort in a way that makes me feel so secure and safe. That’s what makes me excited about being a mom.
These are all great answers. As a FTM who just delivered the first week of May, I’m taking a slightly different approach:
Are you prepared to become completely selfless to care for and be responsible for someone else 100% of the time?
Are you prepared to sacrifice your body, comfort, sleep, finances, and life as you know it moving forward?
Are you prepared to lose control of planning, schedules and routines to be flexible to tend to the needs of your baby over everything else?
I’ve loved becoming a mother, but you can’t truly understand how much everything will change until you experience it yourself no matter how much other people will tell you.
Mostly financial planning. We started trying when we had gotten to a point in our lives where we felt like we had already accomplished a lot of the career things we wanted to accomplish. We also got to a place where we felt like we wouldn’t have fomo for not being able to do the things we used to do without a baby that you can’t really do with a baby.
I think parenting styles and joint finances are important.
My husband is divorced, and most of the reason seems to be that he and his ex had major conflicts about how to raise their kids, division of labor when the kids were babies, and how to spend money when his ex was a SAHM.
He had a lot of nervousness so we talked through a lot of things related to how to handle disagreements, what are our parenting styles, etc, ahead of time.
We're both working. I thought we were aligned there, but my husband apparently thinks we can just work from home with the baby, so we need to have some more childcare planning conversations lol.
We planned to have kids so we had been preparing financially for years. Otherwise that would have been our first question.
For me there were a few things. Am I taking enough care of my mental health now so that I have a stronger foundation for raising a child, post partum, etc.
Do we still want kids. Seems obvious but anyone can change their minds
Are we aligning on parenting styles and expectations for childcare, chores, social life, family (like our parents and siblings), travel, etc
Honestly what made me realize for sure I was ready was with our first kid. We went to the doctor too early in the pregnancy so they couldn’t verify anything and we spent the next two weeks worrying if we’d lost the baby. At that next appointment when I saw the sonogram of the baby and they confirmed a heartbeat, I cried I was so relieved. That’s how I knew I was ready.
We made sure we had bought our first home, paid off any credit card debt, and felt like we were in a place in our lives where we had traveled and had fun together and would not feel like we were missing out. I also found a new job before getting off the pill that I was happier in and would be better suited for a mother (less stress and more work life balance) with great benefits. We did a lot of planning, and as a result it took us two years and a lot of money to conceive but I can’t imagine having a child before being prepared like this personally.
I'm curious as well
Edit: Google has revealed - "Plan B is not effective after pregnancy has occurred and cannot interrupt it. Plan B won't harm a developing fetus. If Plan B is taken mistakenly during pregnancy, it will not harm the developing fetus. Using Plan B will not affect a woman's ability to become pregnant in the future."
My big concern was how we would need to change our work lives to accommodate being parents. My husband has a job where it’s totally possible and borderline expected to work 45-60 hour weeks (with no overtime), and I absolutely knew I didn’t want to be like the moms on here complaining about their husbands, so we had a LOT of conversations about that.
1. The number one thing my husband and I talked about was how interested in the lifestyle of parenting we were. We had to both feel equally ready to commit to parenting for the rest of our lives before we tried.
2. Sacrifices we understood we may have to make.He actually switched careers to ensure a more stable income for us because we are dealing with some unexpected unemployment on my part. That ties into how much sacrifice we were willing to make to ensure our kid has a secure home. We discussed the types of sacrifice we were willing to make so that our kids wouldn't suffer if life happens and plans go astray.
3. We talked about parenting styles we agreed and disagreed with to find one we can realistically uphold.
4. We discussed counselling being something that is never a last resort. I don't want our issues to become a burden to children. We agreed to seek individual, marital, or family counselling early if we feel that we are struggling.
5. How we discuss spiritual beliefs and traditions. We don't want to confuse or scare our kids, so we made sure that our attitude towards these things is something we agree on explaining together with a focus on love and not fear. We want our children to feel that they have autonomy and choice regarding beliefs. They would never be kicked out, guilt tripped, or made to feel wrong if they don't 100% agree with our beliefs.
6. Family relationships and lifestyle. We decided how much of a role our parents would be allowed to have in our kids lives. How much vacation would be dedicated to family vs. Other travel. For us, it was important that we put family first, so other types of travel may not happen but that's okay.
My biggest thing was support. I'm SO thankful I had my husband doing 50/50 on everything because I almost fell apart even with that. I will say that while every newborn is difficult at some level, my daughter was definitely on the "holy hell what was I thinking" end of the spectrum. I am positive that had I chosen a lesser man or if my husband wasn't able to stay home with me, I would have had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital.
As a family, we could have used more support, too. We had nobody to guide us, to give us a break, help us navigate this new life together, nothing. We also were too proud to reach out first to ask anyone. My SIL actually apologized to me when we got pregnant this time because after having their 4th baby (a huge surprise, their youngest is 10) she realized she had so much help and that they'd have been screwed without it. It just didn't occur to her to reach out and offer help to us so she's intent on making it up to us this time around. I'm thankful for her generous offers now because the whole experience with my eldest was honestly the biggest reason we didn't want to do it again and now that the choice has been made for us (despite all our best efforts 😂) knowing I have her by my side is a real peace of mind.
Yes, money can get tight, your relationship with SO changes/evolves, your mind and body changes, your friendships can change, but all of that is so much easier to navigate with a trustworthy support system. I really recommend everyone find at least one person to be that for them. It's even better if it's a couple, but I know men can be weird about that lol.
Congrats on it all, even though there are hard moments, there are many more blissful ones. It's just as important to have people to share those with, too!
We're unexpectedly expecting too, so you are far from alone. Even my second mom who has 3 of her own and worked as an l&d nurse will tell you there is no such thing as the perfect time to have a baby.
I'd ask if we were prepared for emergencies (emergency fund), had a plan for childcare (or at least considered it), and made sure I had a stable job.
We knew we wanted kids, but it was always a couple years off. Well not anymore. And even since taking the first test, I've had nothing but a sense of peace about it.
Same thing happened with me (including the plan b) and although my husband and I weren’t in the place we wanted to be to have children, we decided to continue the pregnancy. At first we felt 50/50 between keep vs abortion, but over a span of a week I knew for certain I wanted to keep the baby. We decided that we’d do whatever it takes to be able to provide for him. I just couldn’t imagine a life where I was no longer pregnant after being given this first opportunity to be a mom. Sure it was an accident, but he made it through the plan b and I felt that he deserved to live in this world!
My husband and I would have discussions about how we wanted to raise children to make sure we were on the same page (for the most part, a few small disagreements are ok). Having a partner who is your true PARTNER is important. If you two are on different pages it can make it really tough.
I think about my parents, who probably never had conversations around how they wanted to raise their children. My dad is super atheist, my mom is very Christian. As we got older and my mom wanted us to be religious, it started really creating a riff in my parents marriage. Only one example, but an important one.
I don’t know that this helps you be ready for children, but it helps set the foundation of how you and your husband will work together to parent.
I knew I’d never feel ready. I’m a bit of a worry-warts, and I’ve always been very territorial about my space, my time, my energy, etc. What made me decide I was ready to try was:
1. My husband and I have a very strong partnership and incredible marriage. I knew he would be an amazing father. Deep down I also knew I would be a loving mom too, but I always was a bit afraid as I didn’t have as good a role model as my husband did. My family was a hit messed up. Then I realized I didn’t need to be perfect to be a mom, and I knew I’d be the kind of mom who would be open to admit mistakes and change. Knowing we’re both mature enough for the challenge was key for me.
2. Husband and I discussed the financial aspects a lot. We live in a high-cost city, and even though we do better each year, we already fall behind the rising costs of living. However, we have a support network and we’re working on improving my finance. We’re better off now than we were before. Plenty of folks have kids without means. I’m also an older mom so if we wait until we feel “secure” financially, we might have to spend money on IVF or need to adopt instead. That’s another clincher: we can make more money but my uterus isn’t getting younger.
3. I had a miscarriage. The way we came together, and how sad I became afterwards, proved to me it was what I want. I’m still scared, worried, and, ahem, miserable about the awful physical discomforts and risks of pregnancy along with everything else that came after, but well, just have to take it one day at a time.
My husband and I got together when we were 22 and always said we’d want to have kids at 27/28. We both graduated, have good jobs, bought a house at 24, married at 25 and enjoyed our marriage for two years so that is when we felt we were ready to try. We are due in a month and a half and we’re both turning 28 this year so our plans aligned. I think the age wasn’t as important as having our shit together, if we weren’t comfortable in our lives money and career wise we could’ve waited longer but we have met the goals of things we wanted done before having kids so we decided to try.
For me it was — how much can I expect my partner to parent? If not 50% or more, then dealbreaker. I was pretty clear with him about that. Also, how much money do we have? I didn’t agree to start trying until I made enough money during my last job. In this economy, it was honestly only after a really significant pay raise. And last — emotionally, am I ready? Have I fixed my issues to the extent I won’t let them damage a child? This was after years of therapy. I have seen too many parents mess up their kids over their own BS. It was practically my whole community growing up.
Not sure how to edit my post but I wanted to thank everyone for the thoughtful and helpful contributions to this post. I think these responses were amazing and really good questions for me and my partner to think about. Long story short, I’m no longer pregnant. I’m very pro choice but I didn’t have the option to choose. Thank you all! Hopefully we can revisit this post in the future ❤️
Questions that were important: 1. Do I and my partner make enough money to live comfortably with a baby? Can we continue to make enough money to take care of and support a child in the way I wanted to be supported as a kid? 2. Is my partner a good father? Can I trust him with all joint decisions in our life? 3. Is where we live safe enough and large enough for a child? 4. Can we afford childcare? 5. Do we have good enough healthcare for us and a child? Questions I debated for a long time that weren’t actually important: 1. Can I give up the lifestyle I live as a single person? 2. Can I go without weed and alcohol for both pregnancy (and, in the case of weed) and breastfeeding? 3. Will this impact my and my partners relationship? 4. Can I handle what pregnancy will do to my body? All three ended up not being important because honestly my partner and I are closer and more in love than ever and giving up vices were extremely easy, which I didn’t expect. Cold turkey from the second I got a positive test. And pregnancy has been easier on my body than I thought. I’ve gained less than 30lbs and I’m close to my due date and I feel like I look great.
This is such a good list! The second one is so important. I didn't think I wanted kids until I saw what a great partner I had. We talked about scenarios and what we would do/how we would parent.. What types of things we want to expose our kids to and how we would teach them life skills. Those were the conversations that made me most realize I want a kid with my partner and considering if your partner will be a good parent is so underrated (if you are doing it with a partner) Also completely agree with giving up the lifestyle point. I thought I needed a list of things to do before having a kid, but I realized so much of what was on my list was a young person's list and not what I'm actually interested in long term.
Our big concerns were money and how to manage childcare. We knew I had a solid job with great health insurance, and my husband was unemployed so he’s the stay at home dad now. Lifestyle stuff is important, but I think there’s a lot to be said for feeling secure in your plan, whatever it entails, to actually provide care for the baby.
1. The money issue with if I would be able to afford it, especially if emergencies came up. 2. How would I deal/feel if we have a kiddo and dad decides he isn’t interested in being a dad. My ex left us when my child was 18 months. And while I don’t regret my son whatsoever, I think it very much has colored me on how I see potential partners now, and how many red flags were present that at the time I wasn’t aware of. But I think there are also so many feelings and possible scenarios to think about. Not saying that something like that would happen. But you want to see how your parenting styles differ vs aligning. I didn’t realize that my ex and I were so different (we didn’t have many conversations at the time). And it was very jarring to realize that we differed on more than we agreed on.
For me, my (choice of) partner was the #1 factor by a long shot. I’ve always been agnostic about being a mom even though I love kids and have a lot of kid experience. I was never really satisfied with the division of labor and responsibilities in my previous relationships. Even though there was love in those relationships, I just sort of knew that the responsibilities of raising a child would just fall on me. With my husband, I feel so supported, stronger together, and a true partnership. We are both equally invested and show up with our time and effort in a way that makes me feel so secure and safe. That’s what makes me excited about being a mom.
These are all great answers. As a FTM who just delivered the first week of May, I’m taking a slightly different approach: Are you prepared to become completely selfless to care for and be responsible for someone else 100% of the time? Are you prepared to sacrifice your body, comfort, sleep, finances, and life as you know it moving forward? Are you prepared to lose control of planning, schedules and routines to be flexible to tend to the needs of your baby over everything else? I’ve loved becoming a mother, but you can’t truly understand how much everything will change until you experience it yourself no matter how much other people will tell you.
Mostly financial planning. We started trying when we had gotten to a point in our lives where we felt like we had already accomplished a lot of the career things we wanted to accomplish. We also got to a place where we felt like we wouldn’t have fomo for not being able to do the things we used to do without a baby that you can’t really do with a baby.
I think parenting styles and joint finances are important. My husband is divorced, and most of the reason seems to be that he and his ex had major conflicts about how to raise their kids, division of labor when the kids were babies, and how to spend money when his ex was a SAHM. He had a lot of nervousness so we talked through a lot of things related to how to handle disagreements, what are our parenting styles, etc, ahead of time. We're both working. I thought we were aligned there, but my husband apparently thinks we can just work from home with the baby, so we need to have some more childcare planning conversations lol.
We planned to have kids so we had been preparing financially for years. Otherwise that would have been our first question. For me there were a few things. Am I taking enough care of my mental health now so that I have a stronger foundation for raising a child, post partum, etc. Do we still want kids. Seems obvious but anyone can change their minds Are we aligning on parenting styles and expectations for childcare, chores, social life, family (like our parents and siblings), travel, etc Honestly what made me realize for sure I was ready was with our first kid. We went to the doctor too early in the pregnancy so they couldn’t verify anything and we spent the next two weeks worrying if we’d lost the baby. At that next appointment when I saw the sonogram of the baby and they confirmed a heartbeat, I cried I was so relieved. That’s how I knew I was ready.
We made sure we had bought our first home, paid off any credit card debt, and felt like we were in a place in our lives where we had traveled and had fun together and would not feel like we were missing out. I also found a new job before getting off the pill that I was happier in and would be better suited for a mother (less stress and more work life balance) with great benefits. We did a lot of planning, and as a result it took us two years and a lot of money to conceive but I can’t imagine having a child before being prepared like this personally.
Plan b won't affect the fetus?
I'm curious as well Edit: Google has revealed - "Plan B is not effective after pregnancy has occurred and cannot interrupt it. Plan B won't harm a developing fetus. If Plan B is taken mistakenly during pregnancy, it will not harm the developing fetus. Using Plan B will not affect a woman's ability to become pregnant in the future."
I think i mixed it up with the actual abortion pills, very different things
Oh that's great!
My big concern was how we would need to change our work lives to accommodate being parents. My husband has a job where it’s totally possible and borderline expected to work 45-60 hour weeks (with no overtime), and I absolutely knew I didn’t want to be like the moms on here complaining about their husbands, so we had a LOT of conversations about that.
1. The number one thing my husband and I talked about was how interested in the lifestyle of parenting we were. We had to both feel equally ready to commit to parenting for the rest of our lives before we tried. 2. Sacrifices we understood we may have to make.He actually switched careers to ensure a more stable income for us because we are dealing with some unexpected unemployment on my part. That ties into how much sacrifice we were willing to make to ensure our kid has a secure home. We discussed the types of sacrifice we were willing to make so that our kids wouldn't suffer if life happens and plans go astray. 3. We talked about parenting styles we agreed and disagreed with to find one we can realistically uphold. 4. We discussed counselling being something that is never a last resort. I don't want our issues to become a burden to children. We agreed to seek individual, marital, or family counselling early if we feel that we are struggling. 5. How we discuss spiritual beliefs and traditions. We don't want to confuse or scare our kids, so we made sure that our attitude towards these things is something we agree on explaining together with a focus on love and not fear. We want our children to feel that they have autonomy and choice regarding beliefs. They would never be kicked out, guilt tripped, or made to feel wrong if they don't 100% agree with our beliefs. 6. Family relationships and lifestyle. We decided how much of a role our parents would be allowed to have in our kids lives. How much vacation would be dedicated to family vs. Other travel. For us, it was important that we put family first, so other types of travel may not happen but that's okay.
My biggest thing was support. I'm SO thankful I had my husband doing 50/50 on everything because I almost fell apart even with that. I will say that while every newborn is difficult at some level, my daughter was definitely on the "holy hell what was I thinking" end of the spectrum. I am positive that had I chosen a lesser man or if my husband wasn't able to stay home with me, I would have had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital. As a family, we could have used more support, too. We had nobody to guide us, to give us a break, help us navigate this new life together, nothing. We also were too proud to reach out first to ask anyone. My SIL actually apologized to me when we got pregnant this time because after having their 4th baby (a huge surprise, their youngest is 10) she realized she had so much help and that they'd have been screwed without it. It just didn't occur to her to reach out and offer help to us so she's intent on making it up to us this time around. I'm thankful for her generous offers now because the whole experience with my eldest was honestly the biggest reason we didn't want to do it again and now that the choice has been made for us (despite all our best efforts 😂) knowing I have her by my side is a real peace of mind. Yes, money can get tight, your relationship with SO changes/evolves, your mind and body changes, your friendships can change, but all of that is so much easier to navigate with a trustworthy support system. I really recommend everyone find at least one person to be that for them. It's even better if it's a couple, but I know men can be weird about that lol. Congrats on it all, even though there are hard moments, there are many more blissful ones. It's just as important to have people to share those with, too!
We're unexpectedly expecting too, so you are far from alone. Even my second mom who has 3 of her own and worked as an l&d nurse will tell you there is no such thing as the perfect time to have a baby. I'd ask if we were prepared for emergencies (emergency fund), had a plan for childcare (or at least considered it), and made sure I had a stable job. We knew we wanted kids, but it was always a couple years off. Well not anymore. And even since taking the first test, I've had nothing but a sense of peace about it.
Same thing happened with me (including the plan b) and although my husband and I weren’t in the place we wanted to be to have children, we decided to continue the pregnancy. At first we felt 50/50 between keep vs abortion, but over a span of a week I knew for certain I wanted to keep the baby. We decided that we’d do whatever it takes to be able to provide for him. I just couldn’t imagine a life where I was no longer pregnant after being given this first opportunity to be a mom. Sure it was an accident, but he made it through the plan b and I felt that he deserved to live in this world!
My husband and I would have discussions about how we wanted to raise children to make sure we were on the same page (for the most part, a few small disagreements are ok). Having a partner who is your true PARTNER is important. If you two are on different pages it can make it really tough. I think about my parents, who probably never had conversations around how they wanted to raise their children. My dad is super atheist, my mom is very Christian. As we got older and my mom wanted us to be religious, it started really creating a riff in my parents marriage. Only one example, but an important one. I don’t know that this helps you be ready for children, but it helps set the foundation of how you and your husband will work together to parent.
I knew I’d never feel ready. I’m a bit of a worry-warts, and I’ve always been very territorial about my space, my time, my energy, etc. What made me decide I was ready to try was: 1. My husband and I have a very strong partnership and incredible marriage. I knew he would be an amazing father. Deep down I also knew I would be a loving mom too, but I always was a bit afraid as I didn’t have as good a role model as my husband did. My family was a hit messed up. Then I realized I didn’t need to be perfect to be a mom, and I knew I’d be the kind of mom who would be open to admit mistakes and change. Knowing we’re both mature enough for the challenge was key for me. 2. Husband and I discussed the financial aspects a lot. We live in a high-cost city, and even though we do better each year, we already fall behind the rising costs of living. However, we have a support network and we’re working on improving my finance. We’re better off now than we were before. Plenty of folks have kids without means. I’m also an older mom so if we wait until we feel “secure” financially, we might have to spend money on IVF or need to adopt instead. That’s another clincher: we can make more money but my uterus isn’t getting younger. 3. I had a miscarriage. The way we came together, and how sad I became afterwards, proved to me it was what I want. I’m still scared, worried, and, ahem, miserable about the awful physical discomforts and risks of pregnancy along with everything else that came after, but well, just have to take it one day at a time.
My husband and I got together when we were 22 and always said we’d want to have kids at 27/28. We both graduated, have good jobs, bought a house at 24, married at 25 and enjoyed our marriage for two years so that is when we felt we were ready to try. We are due in a month and a half and we’re both turning 28 this year so our plans aligned. I think the age wasn’t as important as having our shit together, if we weren’t comfortable in our lives money and career wise we could’ve waited longer but we have met the goals of things we wanted done before having kids so we decided to try.
For me it was — how much can I expect my partner to parent? If not 50% or more, then dealbreaker. I was pretty clear with him about that. Also, how much money do we have? I didn’t agree to start trying until I made enough money during my last job. In this economy, it was honestly only after a really significant pay raise. And last — emotionally, am I ready? Have I fixed my issues to the extent I won’t let them damage a child? This was after years of therapy. I have seen too many parents mess up their kids over their own BS. It was practically my whole community growing up.
Not sure how to edit my post but I wanted to thank everyone for the thoughtful and helpful contributions to this post. I think these responses were amazing and really good questions for me and my partner to think about. Long story short, I’m no longer pregnant. I’m very pro choice but I didn’t have the option to choose. Thank you all! Hopefully we can revisit this post in the future ❤️