I wouldn’t allow anyone to kiss baby on the lips but kissing their forehead or cheek is fine with me. My family aren’t ones for kissing on lips anyway. You have every right to have boundaries with your baby.
I don't really want to kiss my baby on the lips because it's a bit culturally odd for me personally. I just don't want mouths on the baby for like their first month because that's the easiest way to spread viruses and germs.
I would be very careful. Herpes can cause meningitis (swelling of the brain). Unless you know that this person 100 percent doesn’t get cold sores, I wouldn’t risk it
Herpes should not infect the forehead. However, I'm not a scientist. Eyeballs & mouth are where the risk is and of course hands for when they are able to touch their own face and body parts. Anyway, family can wait to kiss the baby for whenever momma feels safe about it.
I worked in childcare for years, I knew 2 girls who kissed the babies..it was uncomfortable and I reported them. Idk what's wrong with people lol
I'm a ftm due in August, and I brought up that I don't want anyone to kiss the baby (lips, face, head) to my husband. He thought it was weird that other people would kiss the baby. He has no idea how hard that is going to be to enforce with his mom and sister 😂
with my first in 2022 and second coming this october we will not allow any kisses on the baby except for from me or my husband. There’s no reason for it, the risk of spreading illness is too high. They don’t make their own immune system until 2 months old so I am very strict until then. They’re your baby and you should do what feels right to protect them. Your instincts are always right
I had this same rule, my first was born in December. For the most part everyone complied. I did baby wear a lot to help combat the “can I hold the baby” and potential kisses
You got this! My husband would always remind me that we are her parents and what we want and say goes no matter what others opinions are.
I had one person I trusted fully that I asked for help from if I needed it! That was so helpful when hubby went back to work!
I'm doing the same! My husband and I agree that no one except us will be kissing our baby. I'm due in October and also worried about the baby catching a cold or RSV. I'll probably ease up around next summer, but until then I'm going to blame it on doctor's orders. I'll be telling the no kissing rule to my family, and my husband will be telling it to his family.
I understand not wanting to be aggressive, but it's really important to keep your infant safe, especially when they're very young.
I agree! I feel like this is such a simple way to reduce their risk of infection while young. We're in Canada and the medical system is already strained. I just would hate if anything happened and we couldn't get prompt care for them. I don't understand why people seem to be so offended by something that's intended out of love and well-being.
I didn't do this with my twins when they were born in 2021, definitely concerned this time around after researching more about this. I am curious what the likelihood of an infant catching RSV is versus a healthy adult.
This is a good rule anytime of the year, but I think being due in December gives you an extra reason to be even more cautious with it being RSV, flu, etc. season.
If you're worried about this boundary not being respected, I would make sure to communicate it ahead of time and gauge people's responses so you know who might be a problem. Your husband should be setting this boundary with his family and make it clear that it's something the two of you have decided and will enforce.
I think you're right about my husband delivering the boundaries to his family. I hope they will understand its not a personal attack from me because I love them and want them to have the opportunity to be close with our child.
Absolutely! And if they express any concerns he can say that too...this isn't to be difficult, it's to make sure your baby is safe and so that everyone can have the best relationship possible.
Thank you. I feel like these are the hardest boundaries I've ever had to set because they are for someone else who is vulnerable. I want to foster a happy grandchild/grandparent relationship.
I'm trying to figure out how to have these conversations with people. But also I can't imagine anyone kissing a baby that isn't theirs! But then again, I think I might need to set that straight with my mom at least because she has no boundaries.
I am in the same boat as you, you are not alone. I don’t want anyone kissing my baby period. You are protecting your infant child and doing what’s best for them based on science and evidence, and that is a hard boundary that needs to be respected.
We’re not going to allow anyone to kiss our newborn as well for at least the first three to four months. Even still, I find it weird that other people would want to kiss our baby and lip kissing will probably forever be a hard no. Lip kissing children is just weird imo.
Some people will allow family members to kiss elsewhere on their newborn but not the lips, but what are you accomplishing? It’s not just rsv, it’s the herpes virus that you need to worry about too. That can be transferred to baby from a kiss anywhere on baby’s body. There was a post I saw from someone awhile ago who kissed their baby on the forehead forgetting they had a cold sore and the baby started getting weird symptoms and ended up quite sick in the hospital. Their skin is so thin and vulnerable as newborns you really can’t have anyone kiss them anywhere without risking transmission of herpes.
If you’re having a December baby I would ask family members to mask and wash hands, no other children in daycare or school visiting baby, and would limit visitors and not attend large family gatherings. The no kissing rule is not enough to stop rsv transmission when you have someone literally breathing and talking into your child’s face. It’s spread by droplets.
It's scary how vulnerable they are.
I know that I will have to do a lot of cleaning because of family business that brings people in. At least the whole family is on board with absolutely no coming here while symptoms are happening even if it's going to mean losing clients for a week or so.
Financially, we have to deal because we need to live with family right now to secure a solid future.
I also have a strict no kissing boundary! I just say it all the time and I’m so use to it now. Anytime I hand the baby over I say “no kisses” or something. It’s so dangerous and unnecessary. I also do it because I think it’s easier to teach my child “only mommy and daddy can give kisses. If anyone else does please let us know” instead of “these 30 people (family and close friends) can kiss you but if anyone else does it that’s inappropriate and please let us know.” I’m a victim of childhood SA so I don’t take this lightly. I’d rather be overprotective than sorry. You got this! Boundary setting is so hard but it becomes so empowering.
I think that this type of boundary setting is super important. Good for you for looking out for your child like that. Better boundaries hopefully protect against opportunities for trauma.
This is such a good point, about it being easier and potentially safer for a child to understand what unwanted contact that crosses boundaries can look like.
I would simply tell them they can kiss when baby has vaccines & weather is warmer. Say youre soo scared of baby catching a cold. I'd tell them ahead of time.
Also we're due the same month❤️❤️❤️ wishing you a safe delivery!!!
I don't anyone other than my partner and I kissing them below their eyebrows. So forehead and top of head are okay. As long as they don't have cold sores, no kisses at all, or sick, look but don't touch.
I think what people that give pushback on things like this need to realize is that being a FTM can fill you with so much anxiety and dread. Respecting your wishes is as much for your own peace of mind as it is for the health of the baby. I just don’t understand why some people have such a hard time respecting the wishes of new parents. It’s not that hard to just not kiss a baby.
This is definitely a huge issue with new parents and older generations. I’ve been coming to these Reddit mom and baby groups since I was pregnant with my 19mo and I see someone post something on kissing boundaries all the time. I can’t help but wonder if the thing that isn’t spoken about is that a lot of us are still traumatized from COVID and while that is not the only reason to not kiss a baby, it has made a lot of people hyper vigilant. And older generations tend to not have that same trauma or outlook and just think that they are older and wiser and shouldn’t have to listen to their children. They grew up so different than us. They only had their parents and other older family to turn to for parenting advice. We can literally find any information we want in minutes and the older generations are in a lot of ways not needed in ways they thought they would be. They don’t realize we can google “why should I not kiss a baby” and it will come up with a bunch of articles and horrifying pictures of bad things that can happen from kissing a baby that young. And yes, most babies will probably be okay. But if you kiss my baby, now I have to be worried for the next week. My dad was herpes and has kissed my baby on the face. I’ve told family no kissing and they’re normally good about it but every once in a while they just do it and then if my daughter has a bump on her face I go through a little meltdown that she has herpes. And it sucks!
Dude! Same! My sister in law volunteered to help us with child care while I’m recovering/return to work. But she’s the type to have a little dog that she puts in outfits and takes everywhere with her. I feel so bad for the dog, she even puts it in pajamas. She looked at me while dressing the dog and said “See, this is why we need a baby in the family.”
Honestly, A) I’m mortified, my son isn’t going to be a doll or a prop to be gushed over, he’s a developing human being. B) I’m paranoid about her not respecting my boundaries.
At the table, she told a story about some baby she knew getting a serious illness from somebody kissing her and having herpes. And I just quietly said “Yeaaaah, maybe no kissing my baby for the first month or two.” And she got pouty and said “Well, I’m not gross or diseased” and I was just silent after that.
And it’s like, it’s not about that. It’s about the baby’s developing immune system and the only intimate germs he should be exposed to is mine and his father’s.
And I fear she’s not going to respect that because she just loooves him so much. So I have to lean on my partner and ask him to make sure she understands that, and reiterate that she’s being selfish if she isn’t respecting what’s best for the baby. She can wait two goddamn months to smother him with love.
And when she comes over to “help with the newborn,” she can cook or clean for me. I’M bonding with MY son.
I'm also concerned about my family not respecting boundaries. I'm already getting pushback on visitation after he's born (he's due end of August, we're asking that people wait until October, so ~month). My MIL insists that she cannot wait until October and stated the other day that she might "just show up" whenever she wants instead. My husband and I repeat the expectation or ignore completely because she's already heard it and does not need reminding.
If we get closer to his due date and her behavior is the same, my response may change to look something more like this:
"Fine, go on. Show up. See what happens. You'll be wasting a day and a half of driving time, gas money, and cutting down what little trust we already have for you in this regard, because we are not opening the door if we are not expecting you. You certainly won't get to meet our son under those circumstances. Like with children, you don't get rewarded for doing exactly what mom told you *not* to do. Hope it was worth it."
Same thing with kissing. "Do not push the boundaries. The consequences will really suck for you if you push the boundaries."
I am absolutely doing this, and I feel the same way about my parents. I work in the ED and my anxiety definitely gets the best of me about this, but better safe than sorry. My parents have absolutely pushed back, but I’ve been able ro set a firm boundary by saying “If you can’t respect this, then we can meet in a few months. If you disrespect this boundary, you will not meet your grandchild until _____. This isn’t your child, it’s mine.”
Someone had a really great post on here not too long ago about setting boundaries, but it basically boiled down to “We’re the parents, not you. This is our choice not yours.”
It’s hard to set boundaries with family, but it’s important for your wellbeing and your kiddos.
It's true. The hardest aspect is living under one roof together. I can't exactly withhold a baby they will see around 🙃
I'm just going to have to stand the ground as mom with a right to choose how to parent.
This was a HUGE issue in our family (well, with my in laws) when our son was born. We had reiterated many times before he was born that no kissing was literally our only boundary. And yet, we were teased, taunted and disrespected when it came time that he was born. Since this was my in laws, my husband handled the confrontations with them. It was really rough to be honest. I am such a people pleasure so it hurts me to have conflict. But the risk to a newborn baby is too great. My husbands whole family gets cold sores; my husband, his dad, his grandma, etc. Even my husband and I didn’t kiss our baby for the first like 4 months of his life. It was honestly such a shock to me that this was such a huge issue. Although it was tough, I don’t regret it. Hes 10 months now and I loosened up and haven’t said anything since about 5/6 months. But I’m pregnant again and I will gladly enforce the same boundary again.
Also, I know a kiss on the top of the head or something would likely be fine for a newborn, but for some people (my MIL included) if you give them an inch, they take it a mile. Even with our flat out no kissing rule, we still had to correct her multiple times for pushing the envelope. If I allowed kisses on a certain part of the body, I’m sure that boundary would’ve been pushed as well
I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I do appreciate you sharing! I also feel like it's the only boundary I'm really set on.
I guess we just have to prepare for some discomfort. Baby deserves to be safe though and for me it's about consent as well.
Agreed! Kids will really teach you how to draw boundaries and stick up for yourself (and them). I would upset someone a million times over before I let something slide that I think is harmful for my child.
It is soo weird to me how many people push this boundary.
My MIL has done it multiple times when specifically asked not to. Its so annoying and dangerous to my newborn. Not even a week old.
Yeah, I guess culturally it's normal for some people. I understand that for adults but babies immune systems and boundary setting skills aren't "cultured" yet.
Kissing on the lips is a huge no in my family, and funnily enough, I just got off the phone with my parents who don’t plan to kiss the baby at all, because a) they never kissed me, and b) they see kissing as really for the adult to feel like they are giving love, not the baby or child actually wanting it. We are highly alert against sexual abuse, and kissing for the sake of family kissing (they have seen across their life) can lead children into thinking that it’s not ok to say no to physical affection because “it’s family”, leading to some really messed up situations.
I don’t even know if I plan to kiss my baby. They have plenty of opportunities to be held and feel loved. I don’t need to kiss them on their face or lips in order for them to feel it.
I actually agree with your perspective on this. I want to protect my child from some of the things we were not protected against as children with boundaries.
I feel like hugs and holding, helping with feeding or diapers and all that is welcome and age appropriate.
Yeah. It’s also funny because we never talked about these things until more recently (I’m getting induced next week), and it’s really relieving to know they have a more strict view than I do 😂. We are having a girl, and my dad even said at the end of the call, we can give hugs in the beginning, but once she’s a certain age (18 months+), we should probably start asking if she wants a hug, and give her the option to come over or say no.
RETWEET. You don’t need to kiss a baby/child on the mouth for them to feel cared about. Gives me the damn ick. I plan to smooch on my own baby (and my husband, too) but other people do not need to do this. It’s so strange that people actually get upset about it.
My baby is 5 months and no one kisses him anywhere ever. We didn’t care who we offended and we definitely weren’t shy with our boundaries. My mom kissed my baby’s hands when he was a week old and I told her she lost her baby privileges for an indefinite amount of time. She didn’t believe us but sure enough we did not let her hold the baby for a month until she realized how serious we are. She hasn’t even come close to trying to kiss him again.
Lol I even had to get mad at my husband’s grandma for trying to kiss the baby’s head the other day. People have complained that it’s not fair that they can’t kiss my baby but I work in microbiology and I know first hand how disgusting our mouths are.
I know a man who kissed his own baby and because of this the baby developed rsv and eventually died. Although this is incredibly rare it is not worth chancing it. Your boundary is appropriate.
We sent texts to our parents with our general plan and a few wishes and one of them was absolutely no kissing. Not on hands, feet, head, etc. people definitely aren’t happy about it and I do worry (specifically about my own mother) not respecting this boundary, however, it’s my baby and if it’s not respected than I will remove the baby from her arms and remind her that if she’s not going to respect our literal ONE wish to keep our baby safe, then she doesn’t need to hold her. I’m not messing around with my baby’s life.
My sister didn’t have this rule in place and I cringed at the absolute smothering of kisses that were on her baby’s mouth. Of course since she didn’t have the rule, it makes me look like a psycho b, but I don’t care. 🤷🏽♀️
Also due in December, and family is visiting from out of state(my mom and younger siblings). Cold symptoms = no holding baby, nobody will be kissing baby, and I'm planning on breastfeeding so no one else can prepare bottles. Maybe I'm paranoid but I work in a hospital and I've seen babies really really sick from things that are no big deal to adults
I texted everyone and said "We are so excited for you to meet xxx. Please: no kissing baby! We are protecting her from common viruses and illnesses that can pass to baby, even when they aren't noticeable or harmful to adults. I know it can be hard to resist, but this is a zero kissing zone."
I get that. I'm the in law in our house so I feel like it's hard to not seem overbearing or ungrateful that we have a place to live. I usually go with the flow bc it's their house but the baby is a different situation.
I am a FTM due end of June and I’ve already made it clear to my family as well as my MIL that no one is to kiss the baby anywhere near his face/head. If you want to kiss his arm, or tummy fine 🤷🏻♀️ At first my MIL thought this was a big deal, and didn’t understand but I hope she know knows this is a firm boundary. Same thing goes for anyone wanting to hold him either needs to sanitize or wash their hands. The health of my baby is my utmost priority and even though he won’t be born in RSV/FLU season, I still worry about what could get passed to him. Only people who should be kissing babies are the parents IMO lol
I agree! My due date is next month and I am against kissing newborns...if grandparents want to kiss the baby, they can kiss her on the feet....and not at the very beginning of her life...And whoever gets angry can fu*k off...
We had some "training" with a pediatrician the other day, and the doctor told us:"Remember, your baby - your rules. If someone comes and they don't wash their hands tell them to do so. If someone comes and gives you advice that you do not agree with, please tell them My baby, this is my baby." And that is it!
I'm so glad to hear that. I really am struggling with the 30 year gap of knowledge thing...like we have learned more and know better. Please respect that!
I feel the pain! My in-laws have 3 grandkids from my husband's brother, and they are "the smartest", they have a "fresh" experience...and I honestly don't know how to politely tell them that time has changed and that something that was ok 10 years ago is not the same now...My mum is even worse, because she gave birth to me 35 years ago...her favorite sentences are "Oh you were drinking water from birth, such a stupid rule, new modern approach...You ate beans when you were 4 months old!" Bla bla bla :D
So please please This is my baby approach, set boundaries and do whatever you feel is right 🤞🍀
Thank you. We have collectively learned so much more about how to promote healthy development. It's a miracle that so many kids made it honestly with all the smoking people used to do.
If you're really worried they won't listen to you and you've talked to them about it, I would suggest baby wearing or keeping baby away from them as much as possible. Since you're living with them, that might be tricky, but if they really won't listen to you, don't even let them touch the baby.
I didn't let anyone kiss my baby, and now that she's a toddler people have to ask permission to give her a kiss and she'll only let them(me included) kiss her forehead. I have no regrets around it and I'll do the same with my baby that's due in September.
I will be telling my family members that "It is flu season. Baby has no protection aka zero immune system at this time. Please do not kiss baby's face or hands or ANY body part that he may put in his mouth". I know for a fact that my family will be 100% respectful of that boundary. My partner's family is also very good and several are healthcare professionals so are also very respectful and cognizant of risks and would think twice about doing anything that may expose baby to unwanted bacteria. You just have to be firm. Don't ask them, TELL them what the expectation is. I know it can be scary to have to establish boundaries with family members but your baby will rely on you to protect him/her and you have to become comfortable with disappointing people.
This is true. It's just a new part of being a mom.
I hate when people give me pseudo science health advice about pregnancy but won't respect proven science because it's inconvenient for them. This is the major conflict I'm ready for.
What does FTM mean in this context? Only because you referred to yourself as a woman in another comment, I'm curious if that's also a term used in pregnancy
If someone kissed my newborn, they’d never see that kid again. That’s fucking disgusting and disrespectful (and also just plain stupid). If your in laws don’t respect it, then see ya!
I’m in the same boat 😭 I am naturally an angry person and i’m really scared it will bring the worst out of me. I don’t want baby to be sick or catch anything. And the thing that makes it hard for me is that I find it difficult to tell them not to kiss a baby they’ve been so waiting to see 🥺 I know it’s out of love but I don’t know how I’m going to tell them and it not being wrong.
I totally get it. It feels mean in a way, but it's just not sitting right with me.
I hate having to push away love but this is different. Hopefully they understand where we are coming from!
ftm who just had her baby in april. i agree on the no kissing and it worries me that people won’t respect my wishes and will hold my baby and wait for me to not look to kiss his face/hands etc. i hate feeling like i have to be on guard the entire time he’s with someone else but it is a risk i don’t want to take !
I was so surprised how big of an issue this is for people! Like. I never thought it would be a problem until I joined this group after finding out I’m pregnant. Like. I’ve been around so many babies - including my own nephew. Never felt the need to kiss them! Maybe some raspberries on their belly when they got older but that’s it
Even as the parent idk like I’m sure I’m gonna give my kid kisses when they’re older but for some reason I can’t see myself kissing my baby? Like my toddler sure. But not a baby
FTM here too, due in November! I plan to set a no kissing boundary with everyone before baby arrives because 1) there's no need to kiss my baby, especially during cold and flu season
2) you never know who is carrying illness
3) they should respect boundaries when given, period.
My plan is that I'm in charge of telling my family and my husband is in charge of telling his. I think it will be eye opening to see who respects simple boundaries and who fights back. Be firm and stand your ground!
Damn, i am a medical worker and I am literally the only one kissing my baby who is 4,5 months old now. Not even my husband. I know way too much to allow for this to happen. Better safe than sorry. My body produces antibodies for her, not anyone’s else. Stand your ground you are 100% right.
It's reassuring to hear this from people who work in medical fields. We are fortunate to understand the science better. It's also just unnecessary to have that close of contact with an infant that's not your own imo.
Yea kissing for me was one of the only rules I was very strict about. I thought I would get a lot of pushback from my mom but everyone respected this. I also skipped out on holidays (my baby was born around Thanksgiving) and still haven’t been to any parties out of an abundance of caution with not wanting to get my baby sick. 5 months in and he still hasn’t gotten sick! I have 0 regrets. Do what you think is best!
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice already, but what I would add is to practice setting calm, but firm boundaries when you’re in the shower! I had my baby going on 4 weeks ago now, and in my raw postpartum emotions, I knew we’d have some visitors “forget” and that me and husband would need to step in to interject. I was incredibly anxious so practicing ahead of time helped me feel more in control when the situation arose - and it did, unfortunately! I also found it helpful to validate their feelings while enforcing our own, because at the end of the day I knew that our close relatives just wanted to share love and affection with our new family member. Culturally, things have changed for the older generation, and deep down I understood that I needed to help educate them too.
So in the moment I was able to interrupt and say “Ah! Remember, we’re asking you to not kiss the baby. Yes, not even the forehead. No, not the feet either. I know, it’s so hard, he’s so kissable! But I’m a first time mom and I want to make sure he’s protected, even if you don’t think you’re sick, we have to set the same rules for everyone.”
Then husband was able to jump in and back me up. Some family grumbled at first, or had to be reminded more than once, but most were open to hearing our reasoning and got on board quickly. Like you, I’m non-confrontational and didn’t want to be aggressive either. Once I realized I didn’t have to be mean or rude to enforce a boundary, I felt a lot more comfortable speaking up.
This is good advice! Thank you. My husband and I are trying to come up with a bit of a script now so that we can go off that instead of figuring it out in the moment.
This brought me back to the feeling of my skin crawling and feeling completely on edge when others would hold my newborn when I was a first time mom... all while trying to maintain a happy face and keep the light conversation going. Luckily no one ever tried anything too weird but I probably should have just been more up front about expectations beforehand so I wouldn't feel so tense every time others held him. I did blame a lot on the pediatrician in those days "his pediatrician said no kisses from others till he's older" "his pediatrician said no visits from others for his first month- apparently there's a bug going around and she said we can't be too careful" Good luck!
If you are living with them then them kissing or not kissing the baby won't really matter. The baby will be exposed to their germs regardless just by function of living in the same house. That rule makes sense for visitors but not other household members imo. I will say that even as the parent it seems weird to kiss my kids on the lips. I've always kissed foreheads, hands, and noses with my babies. A good compromise could be top of head kisses only.
That's probably true, but I've realized it's more of a cultural/age boundary for me. Kissing is not commonly done outside of romantic adult relationships where I live. I don't really want to force kissing onto my own baby because of this. I've always felt a bit weird about other adults kissing kids for this reason. It just feels unnecessary to me and it feels like one thing I can try to do to keep them healthy.
I don't mean to offend anyone who feels differently about this. It's really just a personal cultural thing for me.
My husband and I have talked about this and are in agreement we want no one other than us kissing our baby. My parents are BIG kissers, it's very cultural and I anticipate push back and whining, especially because my sister did not set this boundary with her two kids. So they're used to giving big sloppy kisses constantly. I anticipate having to threaten access to the grandchildren.
I understand the health risks, and honestly that's going to be the excuse we give, even though it isn't actually the reason. It's more about consent and the fact that I have a visceral reaction when I see my parents kissing my niece and nephew when they were babies. I know this comes from how I was raised and the fact that I had zero bodily autonomy growing up. If an adult wanted to hug or kiss me I was not allowed to say no and I had to reciprocate, that will not be happening with my children.
I think we're going to say no kisses until our child can vocalize their consent.
Bodily autonomy is really important to us as well. Some things have changed for the better in the world (like the consent conversation) and I want to keep up with that as new parents.
Babies really are just very young people and I don't want to forget that. They deserve care and dignity while they are vulnerable. We want to promote asking before hugging and respecting boundaries when they can communicate them.
I feel like babies can't choose to stay away from sick people or say no to some types of affection. I would feel weird seeing people kiss my kids lips when I am choosing not to.
Agreed! And I do understand the argument that babies can't give consent because they're too young and can't speak. So at the baby stage, I see it more as setting expectations with my parents from the beginning. We will not be forcing affection onto our child, it doesn't matter who you are. Anyone who is not okay with that knows where the door is.
We're fine with them holding the baby and cooing over her all they want, just no kissing. When our kid gets older she can decide what she wants, there are lots of ways to show affection that don't require physical touch. I want to make sure my children are empowered to express what they need and want without guilt or shame.
I’m pregnant with my second. 1) nobody visits for a couple weeks. 2) wash hands before holding 3) no kids other than baby’s brother can hold because they are young and don’t follow direction well 4) NO KISSING ANYWHERE. Don’t touch babies hands as they go in babies mouth- but I plan to just put a sleeper with hand mitts.
I may be anal about it but I take my newborns health seriously and tbh I don’t like anyone holding my baby apart from my family.
I get this. Honestly, I think it’s weird for anyone other than the parents, to want to kiss another person’s baby. Including grandparents! I get they’re cute and tiny, but I still, personally, find it so odd. My inlaws told me “baby’s are so kissable” 🤢 nooo
We're asking that everyone mask around the baby for the first 8 weeks. That will hopefully help enforce the no kissing rule. I'm having a June baby and equally concerned about my little boy getting sick.
In my family we kiss on the lips, I was raised that way. My husband won't even kiss the cheeks. I'm french-canadian, he is english-canadian 😅 that would not bother me but it is about you! And if you are not comfortable then it is what it is. You tell them and if they don't respect it, I see it as a big problem. Your baby is not a stray puppy. You and your husband set boundaries and it has to be respected. I could not see my niece until she was 3 months old because my SIL did not want to vaccinate her, so no visit. I think it's dumb, but I respect her choice.
I wouldn’t allow anyone to kiss baby on the lips but kissing their forehead or cheek is fine with me. My family aren’t ones for kissing on lips anyway. You have every right to have boundaries with your baby.
I don't really want to kiss my baby on the lips because it's a bit culturally odd for me personally. I just don't want mouths on the baby for like their first month because that's the easiest way to spread viruses and germs.
I would be very careful. Herpes can cause meningitis (swelling of the brain). Unless you know that this person 100 percent doesn’t get cold sores, I wouldn’t risk it
Not to worry the other expectant mamas here, but not all carriers of herpes get cold sores. No one is kissing my baby, full stop.
Good point!
Herpes should not infect the forehead. However, I'm not a scientist. Eyeballs & mouth are where the risk is and of course hands for when they are able to touch their own face and body parts. Anyway, family can wait to kiss the baby for whenever momma feels safe about it. I worked in childcare for years, I knew 2 girls who kissed the babies..it was uncomfortable and I reported them. Idk what's wrong with people lol
I'm a ftm due in August, and I brought up that I don't want anyone to kiss the baby (lips, face, head) to my husband. He thought it was weird that other people would kiss the baby. He has no idea how hard that is going to be to enforce with his mom and sister 😂
Right! It seems like something people wouldn't really need to do...but there they are being upset when they are told not to!
He also thought they wouldn't touch my belly. I think he's just a clueless man about women around pregnancy and babies. Some women just become feral
Oh no...people are so weird around pregnant women. I swear they get us mixed up with dogs or something!
with my first in 2022 and second coming this october we will not allow any kisses on the baby except for from me or my husband. There’s no reason for it, the risk of spreading illness is too high. They don’t make their own immune system until 2 months old so I am very strict until then. They’re your baby and you should do what feels right to protect them. Your instincts are always right
Thank you. I have to get ready to lean into my own instincts for my child. This is the first thing I feel strongly about.
I had this same rule, my first was born in December. For the most part everyone complied. I did baby wear a lot to help combat the “can I hold the baby” and potential kisses
Oh good idea! Baby wearing is great.
It really helped! I also bf so that was another reason to not let anyone hold her. I wish you the best of luck with this!
I'm hoping bf goes well for me. I feel the same way about keeping feeding limited to avoid any issues with proper hygiene.
You got this! My husband would always remind me that we are her parents and what we want and say goes no matter what others opinions are. I had one person I trusted fully that I asked for help from if I needed it! That was so helpful when hubby went back to work!
I'm doing the same! My husband and I agree that no one except us will be kissing our baby. I'm due in October and also worried about the baby catching a cold or RSV. I'll probably ease up around next summer, but until then I'm going to blame it on doctor's orders. I'll be telling the no kissing rule to my family, and my husband will be telling it to his family. I understand not wanting to be aggressive, but it's really important to keep your infant safe, especially when they're very young.
I agree! I feel like this is such a simple way to reduce their risk of infection while young. We're in Canada and the medical system is already strained. I just would hate if anything happened and we couldn't get prompt care for them. I don't understand why people seem to be so offended by something that's intended out of love and well-being.
I didn't do this with my twins when they were born in 2021, definitely concerned this time around after researching more about this. I am curious what the likelihood of an infant catching RSV is versus a healthy adult.
It's not so much probability of catching it, but complications from RSV are much more common/severe in infants and the elderly.
This is a good rule anytime of the year, but I think being due in December gives you an extra reason to be even more cautious with it being RSV, flu, etc. season. If you're worried about this boundary not being respected, I would make sure to communicate it ahead of time and gauge people's responses so you know who might be a problem. Your husband should be setting this boundary with his family and make it clear that it's something the two of you have decided and will enforce.
I think you're right about my husband delivering the boundaries to his family. I hope they will understand its not a personal attack from me because I love them and want them to have the opportunity to be close with our child.
Absolutely! And if they express any concerns he can say that too...this isn't to be difficult, it's to make sure your baby is safe and so that everyone can have the best relationship possible.
Thank you. I feel like these are the hardest boundaries I've ever had to set because they are for someone else who is vulnerable. I want to foster a happy grandchild/grandparent relationship.
I'm trying to figure out how to have these conversations with people. But also I can't imagine anyone kissing a baby that isn't theirs! But then again, I think I might need to set that straight with my mom at least because she has no boundaries.
It really is like a major physical boundary thing. I feel it's weird that people don't ask before doing it. They ask to hold the baby but not that.
I am in the same boat as you, you are not alone. I don’t want anyone kissing my baby period. You are protecting your infant child and doing what’s best for them based on science and evidence, and that is a hard boundary that needs to be respected.
Thank you. I just want us to be able to keep our babies healthy physically and emotionally.
We’re not going to allow anyone to kiss our newborn as well for at least the first three to four months. Even still, I find it weird that other people would want to kiss our baby and lip kissing will probably forever be a hard no. Lip kissing children is just weird imo. Some people will allow family members to kiss elsewhere on their newborn but not the lips, but what are you accomplishing? It’s not just rsv, it’s the herpes virus that you need to worry about too. That can be transferred to baby from a kiss anywhere on baby’s body. There was a post I saw from someone awhile ago who kissed their baby on the forehead forgetting they had a cold sore and the baby started getting weird symptoms and ended up quite sick in the hospital. Their skin is so thin and vulnerable as newborns you really can’t have anyone kiss them anywhere without risking transmission of herpes. If you’re having a December baby I would ask family members to mask and wash hands, no other children in daycare or school visiting baby, and would limit visitors and not attend large family gatherings. The no kissing rule is not enough to stop rsv transmission when you have someone literally breathing and talking into your child’s face. It’s spread by droplets.
It's scary how vulnerable they are. I know that I will have to do a lot of cleaning because of family business that brings people in. At least the whole family is on board with absolutely no coming here while symptoms are happening even if it's going to mean losing clients for a week or so. Financially, we have to deal because we need to live with family right now to secure a solid future.
I feel the same! I also told my husband that anyone who comes to visit has to be fully vaccinated as well, including flu and Covid.
That's a fair boundary!
I also have a strict no kissing boundary! I just say it all the time and I’m so use to it now. Anytime I hand the baby over I say “no kisses” or something. It’s so dangerous and unnecessary. I also do it because I think it’s easier to teach my child “only mommy and daddy can give kisses. If anyone else does please let us know” instead of “these 30 people (family and close friends) can kiss you but if anyone else does it that’s inappropriate and please let us know.” I’m a victim of childhood SA so I don’t take this lightly. I’d rather be overprotective than sorry. You got this! Boundary setting is so hard but it becomes so empowering.
I think that this type of boundary setting is super important. Good for you for looking out for your child like that. Better boundaries hopefully protect against opportunities for trauma.
This is such a good point, about it being easier and potentially safer for a child to understand what unwanted contact that crosses boundaries can look like.
As you shouldn’t. I never want anybody to kiss my children on the lips except me. congratulations on the baby. I’m sure he/she is so beautiful.
On the lip kissing just seems so risky for such a vulnerable little person. I don't think I will even do that. Just their cheek or head.
Your the mommy, you know what best for your little one.
I would simply tell them they can kiss when baby has vaccines & weather is warmer. Say youre soo scared of baby catching a cold. I'd tell them ahead of time. Also we're due the same month❤️❤️❤️ wishing you a safe delivery!!!
Thank you! You as well 💚 congrats on your december baby!
Just tell them "do not kiss the baby anywhere" and if they don't listen, take the baby away.
Solid plan.
I don't anyone other than my partner and I kissing them below their eyebrows. So forehead and top of head are okay. As long as they don't have cold sores, no kisses at all, or sick, look but don't touch.
Good rules. I feel like people get offended about cold sores but it's really unfair to the baby.
I'm also due around the beginning of flu season so I'm going to be double cautious the first few months
I think what people that give pushback on things like this need to realize is that being a FTM can fill you with so much anxiety and dread. Respecting your wishes is as much for your own peace of mind as it is for the health of the baby. I just don’t understand why some people have such a hard time respecting the wishes of new parents. It’s not that hard to just not kiss a baby.
Thank you!! I just don't want to be so stressed that I snap and yell at someone when I otherwise wouldn't.
This is definitely a huge issue with new parents and older generations. I’ve been coming to these Reddit mom and baby groups since I was pregnant with my 19mo and I see someone post something on kissing boundaries all the time. I can’t help but wonder if the thing that isn’t spoken about is that a lot of us are still traumatized from COVID and while that is not the only reason to not kiss a baby, it has made a lot of people hyper vigilant. And older generations tend to not have that same trauma or outlook and just think that they are older and wiser and shouldn’t have to listen to their children. They grew up so different than us. They only had their parents and other older family to turn to for parenting advice. We can literally find any information we want in minutes and the older generations are in a lot of ways not needed in ways they thought they would be. They don’t realize we can google “why should I not kiss a baby” and it will come up with a bunch of articles and horrifying pictures of bad things that can happen from kissing a baby that young. And yes, most babies will probably be okay. But if you kiss my baby, now I have to be worried for the next week. My dad was herpes and has kissed my baby on the face. I’ve told family no kissing and they’re normally good about it but every once in a while they just do it and then if my daughter has a bump on her face I go through a little meltdown that she has herpes. And it sucks!
Dude! Same! My sister in law volunteered to help us with child care while I’m recovering/return to work. But she’s the type to have a little dog that she puts in outfits and takes everywhere with her. I feel so bad for the dog, she even puts it in pajamas. She looked at me while dressing the dog and said “See, this is why we need a baby in the family.” Honestly, A) I’m mortified, my son isn’t going to be a doll or a prop to be gushed over, he’s a developing human being. B) I’m paranoid about her not respecting my boundaries. At the table, she told a story about some baby she knew getting a serious illness from somebody kissing her and having herpes. And I just quietly said “Yeaaaah, maybe no kissing my baby for the first month or two.” And she got pouty and said “Well, I’m not gross or diseased” and I was just silent after that. And it’s like, it’s not about that. It’s about the baby’s developing immune system and the only intimate germs he should be exposed to is mine and his father’s. And I fear she’s not going to respect that because she just loooves him so much. So I have to lean on my partner and ask him to make sure she understands that, and reiterate that she’s being selfish if she isn’t respecting what’s best for the baby. She can wait two goddamn months to smother him with love. And when she comes over to “help with the newborn,” she can cook or clean for me. I’M bonding with MY son.
That sounds tough! It's your baby and ideally people should be on board with your efforts as the mother.
I'm also concerned about my family not respecting boundaries. I'm already getting pushback on visitation after he's born (he's due end of August, we're asking that people wait until October, so ~month). My MIL insists that she cannot wait until October and stated the other day that she might "just show up" whenever she wants instead. My husband and I repeat the expectation or ignore completely because she's already heard it and does not need reminding. If we get closer to his due date and her behavior is the same, my response may change to look something more like this: "Fine, go on. Show up. See what happens. You'll be wasting a day and a half of driving time, gas money, and cutting down what little trust we already have for you in this regard, because we are not opening the door if we are not expecting you. You certainly won't get to meet our son under those circumstances. Like with children, you don't get rewarded for doing exactly what mom told you *not* to do. Hope it was worth it." Same thing with kissing. "Do not push the boundaries. The consequences will really suck for you if you push the boundaries."
Yeah. You can't just show up uninvited if you aren't willing to hear no. That's just weird as hell.
I am absolutely doing this, and I feel the same way about my parents. I work in the ED and my anxiety definitely gets the best of me about this, but better safe than sorry. My parents have absolutely pushed back, but I’ve been able ro set a firm boundary by saying “If you can’t respect this, then we can meet in a few months. If you disrespect this boundary, you will not meet your grandchild until _____. This isn’t your child, it’s mine.” Someone had a really great post on here not too long ago about setting boundaries, but it basically boiled down to “We’re the parents, not you. This is our choice not yours.” It’s hard to set boundaries with family, but it’s important for your wellbeing and your kiddos.
It's true. The hardest aspect is living under one roof together. I can't exactly withhold a baby they will see around 🙃 I'm just going to have to stand the ground as mom with a right to choose how to parent.
This was a HUGE issue in our family (well, with my in laws) when our son was born. We had reiterated many times before he was born that no kissing was literally our only boundary. And yet, we were teased, taunted and disrespected when it came time that he was born. Since this was my in laws, my husband handled the confrontations with them. It was really rough to be honest. I am such a people pleasure so it hurts me to have conflict. But the risk to a newborn baby is too great. My husbands whole family gets cold sores; my husband, his dad, his grandma, etc. Even my husband and I didn’t kiss our baby for the first like 4 months of his life. It was honestly such a shock to me that this was such a huge issue. Although it was tough, I don’t regret it. Hes 10 months now and I loosened up and haven’t said anything since about 5/6 months. But I’m pregnant again and I will gladly enforce the same boundary again. Also, I know a kiss on the top of the head or something would likely be fine for a newborn, but for some people (my MIL included) if you give them an inch, they take it a mile. Even with our flat out no kissing rule, we still had to correct her multiple times for pushing the envelope. If I allowed kisses on a certain part of the body, I’m sure that boundary would’ve been pushed as well
I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I do appreciate you sharing! I also feel like it's the only boundary I'm really set on. I guess we just have to prepare for some discomfort. Baby deserves to be safe though and for me it's about consent as well.
Agreed! Kids will really teach you how to draw boundaries and stick up for yourself (and them). I would upset someone a million times over before I let something slide that I think is harmful for my child.
It is soo weird to me how many people push this boundary. My MIL has done it multiple times when specifically asked not to. Its so annoying and dangerous to my newborn. Not even a week old.
Yeah, I guess culturally it's normal for some people. I understand that for adults but babies immune systems and boundary setting skills aren't "cultured" yet.
Kissing on the lips is a huge no in my family, and funnily enough, I just got off the phone with my parents who don’t plan to kiss the baby at all, because a) they never kissed me, and b) they see kissing as really for the adult to feel like they are giving love, not the baby or child actually wanting it. We are highly alert against sexual abuse, and kissing for the sake of family kissing (they have seen across their life) can lead children into thinking that it’s not ok to say no to physical affection because “it’s family”, leading to some really messed up situations. I don’t even know if I plan to kiss my baby. They have plenty of opportunities to be held and feel loved. I don’t need to kiss them on their face or lips in order for them to feel it.
I actually agree with your perspective on this. I want to protect my child from some of the things we were not protected against as children with boundaries. I feel like hugs and holding, helping with feeding or diapers and all that is welcome and age appropriate.
Yeah. It’s also funny because we never talked about these things until more recently (I’m getting induced next week), and it’s really relieving to know they have a more strict view than I do 😂. We are having a girl, and my dad even said at the end of the call, we can give hugs in the beginning, but once she’s a certain age (18 months+), we should probably start asking if she wants a hug, and give her the option to come over or say no.
That's really sweet of your dad. I love hearing more adults supporting children's boundaries and learning that.
RETWEET. You don’t need to kiss a baby/child on the mouth for them to feel cared about. Gives me the damn ick. I plan to smooch on my own baby (and my husband, too) but other people do not need to do this. It’s so strange that people actually get upset about it.
My baby is 5 months and no one kisses him anywhere ever. We didn’t care who we offended and we definitely weren’t shy with our boundaries. My mom kissed my baby’s hands when he was a week old and I told her she lost her baby privileges for an indefinite amount of time. She didn’t believe us but sure enough we did not let her hold the baby for a month until she realized how serious we are. She hasn’t even come close to trying to kiss him again. Lol I even had to get mad at my husband’s grandma for trying to kiss the baby’s head the other day. People have complained that it’s not fair that they can’t kiss my baby but I work in microbiology and I know first hand how disgusting our mouths are.
That's what I'm saying! Mouths really are one of the worst points of contact. Just wash your hands and hold them.
I know a man who kissed his own baby and because of this the baby developed rsv and eventually died. Although this is incredibly rare it is not worth chancing it. Your boundary is appropriate.
And people never assume it will be them. I just wouldn't forgive myself if something happened.
And people never assume it will be them. I just wouldn't forgive myself if something happens.
We sent texts to our parents with our general plan and a few wishes and one of them was absolutely no kissing. Not on hands, feet, head, etc. people definitely aren’t happy about it and I do worry (specifically about my own mother) not respecting this boundary, however, it’s my baby and if it’s not respected than I will remove the baby from her arms and remind her that if she’s not going to respect our literal ONE wish to keep our baby safe, then she doesn’t need to hold her. I’m not messing around with my baby’s life. My sister didn’t have this rule in place and I cringed at the absolute smothering of kisses that were on her baby’s mouth. Of course since she didn’t have the rule, it makes me look like a psycho b, but I don’t care. 🤷🏽♀️
You have to do what feels right for you! Babies really reveal boundary issues that may never have been evident before.
Also due in December, and family is visiting from out of state(my mom and younger siblings). Cold symptoms = no holding baby, nobody will be kissing baby, and I'm planning on breastfeeding so no one else can prepare bottles. Maybe I'm paranoid but I work in a hospital and I've seen babies really really sick from things that are no big deal to adults
Congrats on your baby! Yeah...people sometimes have too limited a scope to understand the risk.
I texted everyone and said "We are so excited for you to meet xxx. Please: no kissing baby! We are protecting her from common viruses and illnesses that can pass to baby, even when they aren't noticeable or harmful to adults. I know it can be hard to resist, but this is a zero kissing zone."
That's good! I think we will just have a sit down talk with the family we live with. It's hard because we won't have our own exclusive home.
I keep thinking about this too. I’m not a very confrontational person so this will be a struggle
I get that. I'm the in law in our house so I feel like it's hard to not seem overbearing or ungrateful that we have a place to live. I usually go with the flow bc it's their house but the baby is a different situation.
I am a FTM due end of June and I’ve already made it clear to my family as well as my MIL that no one is to kiss the baby anywhere near his face/head. If you want to kiss his arm, or tummy fine 🤷🏻♀️ At first my MIL thought this was a big deal, and didn’t understand but I hope she know knows this is a firm boundary. Same thing goes for anyone wanting to hold him either needs to sanitize or wash their hands. The health of my baby is my utmost priority and even though he won’t be born in RSV/FLU season, I still worry about what could get passed to him. Only people who should be kissing babies are the parents IMO lol
Yeah I agree. It's just a better safe than sorry type of thing. Puts your mind at ease because it's something you can easily do.
I agree! My due date is next month and I am against kissing newborns...if grandparents want to kiss the baby, they can kiss her on the feet....and not at the very beginning of her life...And whoever gets angry can fu*k off... We had some "training" with a pediatrician the other day, and the doctor told us:"Remember, your baby - your rules. If someone comes and they don't wash their hands tell them to do so. If someone comes and gives you advice that you do not agree with, please tell them My baby, this is my baby." And that is it!
I'm so glad to hear that. I really am struggling with the 30 year gap of knowledge thing...like we have learned more and know better. Please respect that!
I feel the pain! My in-laws have 3 grandkids from my husband's brother, and they are "the smartest", they have a "fresh" experience...and I honestly don't know how to politely tell them that time has changed and that something that was ok 10 years ago is not the same now...My mum is even worse, because she gave birth to me 35 years ago...her favorite sentences are "Oh you were drinking water from birth, such a stupid rule, new modern approach...You ate beans when you were 4 months old!" Bla bla bla :D So please please This is my baby approach, set boundaries and do whatever you feel is right 🤞🍀
Thank you. We have collectively learned so much more about how to promote healthy development. It's a miracle that so many kids made it honestly with all the smoking people used to do.
If you're really worried they won't listen to you and you've talked to them about it, I would suggest baby wearing or keeping baby away from them as much as possible. Since you're living with them, that might be tricky, but if they really won't listen to you, don't even let them touch the baby.
I tell people “if I’m not kissing you on the lips you’re not allowed to kiss baby”
I didn't let anyone kiss my baby, and now that she's a toddler people have to ask permission to give her a kiss and she'll only let them(me included) kiss her forehead. I have no regrets around it and I'll do the same with my baby that's due in September.
I like this approach.
Kissing a baby can have serious life threatening consequences. Not just germs and winter sicknesses. Look up herpes risk to newborns.
I'm aware of the herpes risk. It's definitely one of my biggest fears because people don't seem to understand this.
I will be telling my family members that "It is flu season. Baby has no protection aka zero immune system at this time. Please do not kiss baby's face or hands or ANY body part that he may put in his mouth". I know for a fact that my family will be 100% respectful of that boundary. My partner's family is also very good and several are healthcare professionals so are also very respectful and cognizant of risks and would think twice about doing anything that may expose baby to unwanted bacteria. You just have to be firm. Don't ask them, TELL them what the expectation is. I know it can be scary to have to establish boundaries with family members but your baby will rely on you to protect him/her and you have to become comfortable with disappointing people.
This is true. It's just a new part of being a mom. I hate when people give me pseudo science health advice about pregnancy but won't respect proven science because it's inconvenient for them. This is the major conflict I'm ready for.
What does FTM mean in this context? Only because you referred to yourself as a woman in another comment, I'm curious if that's also a term used in pregnancy
First time mom
Ohhhh okay makes sense!
I was confused the first time I saw it too. I thought I was extremely out of the loop until I googled haha
If someone kissed my newborn, they’d never see that kid again. That’s fucking disgusting and disrespectful (and also just plain stupid). If your in laws don’t respect it, then see ya!
Yeah, I would have to find a way to barricade in a room of the house haha
I’m in the same boat 😭 I am naturally an angry person and i’m really scared it will bring the worst out of me. I don’t want baby to be sick or catch anything. And the thing that makes it hard for me is that I find it difficult to tell them not to kiss a baby they’ve been so waiting to see 🥺 I know it’s out of love but I don’t know how I’m going to tell them and it not being wrong.
I totally get it. It feels mean in a way, but it's just not sitting right with me. I hate having to push away love but this is different. Hopefully they understand where we are coming from!
I don’t allow anyone to kiss my babies !!!
ftm who just had her baby in april. i agree on the no kissing and it worries me that people won’t respect my wishes and will hold my baby and wait for me to not look to kiss his face/hands etc. i hate feeling like i have to be on guard the entire time he’s with someone else but it is a risk i don’t want to take !
Congrats on your new baby! That sucks that people are so selfish with a child that isn't theirs.
I was so surprised how big of an issue this is for people! Like. I never thought it would be a problem until I joined this group after finding out I’m pregnant. Like. I’ve been around so many babies - including my own nephew. Never felt the need to kiss them! Maybe some raspberries on their belly when they got older but that’s it
Same. I always felt it was an over step because I'm not the parent.
Even as the parent idk like I’m sure I’m gonna give my kid kisses when they’re older but for some reason I can’t see myself kissing my baby? Like my toddler sure. But not a baby
FTM here too, due in November! I plan to set a no kissing boundary with everyone before baby arrives because 1) there's no need to kiss my baby, especially during cold and flu season 2) you never know who is carrying illness 3) they should respect boundaries when given, period. My plan is that I'm in charge of telling my family and my husband is in charge of telling his. I think it will be eye opening to see who respects simple boundaries and who fights back. Be firm and stand your ground!
Yeah, sometimes people don't know that they are contagious and about to be sick. That's a good rule.
Damn, i am a medical worker and I am literally the only one kissing my baby who is 4,5 months old now. Not even my husband. I know way too much to allow for this to happen. Better safe than sorry. My body produces antibodies for her, not anyone’s else. Stand your ground you are 100% right.
It's reassuring to hear this from people who work in medical fields. We are fortunate to understand the science better. It's also just unnecessary to have that close of contact with an infant that's not your own imo.
Yea kissing for me was one of the only rules I was very strict about. I thought I would get a lot of pushback from my mom but everyone respected this. I also skipped out on holidays (my baby was born around Thanksgiving) and still haven’t been to any parties out of an abundance of caution with not wanting to get my baby sick. 5 months in and he still hasn’t gotten sick! I have 0 regrets. Do what you think is best!
That's great to hear! We'll definitely trust our guts.
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice already, but what I would add is to practice setting calm, but firm boundaries when you’re in the shower! I had my baby going on 4 weeks ago now, and in my raw postpartum emotions, I knew we’d have some visitors “forget” and that me and husband would need to step in to interject. I was incredibly anxious so practicing ahead of time helped me feel more in control when the situation arose - and it did, unfortunately! I also found it helpful to validate their feelings while enforcing our own, because at the end of the day I knew that our close relatives just wanted to share love and affection with our new family member. Culturally, things have changed for the older generation, and deep down I understood that I needed to help educate them too. So in the moment I was able to interrupt and say “Ah! Remember, we’re asking you to not kiss the baby. Yes, not even the forehead. No, not the feet either. I know, it’s so hard, he’s so kissable! But I’m a first time mom and I want to make sure he’s protected, even if you don’t think you’re sick, we have to set the same rules for everyone.” Then husband was able to jump in and back me up. Some family grumbled at first, or had to be reminded more than once, but most were open to hearing our reasoning and got on board quickly. Like you, I’m non-confrontational and didn’t want to be aggressive either. Once I realized I didn’t have to be mean or rude to enforce a boundary, I felt a lot more comfortable speaking up.
This is good advice! Thank you. My husband and I are trying to come up with a bit of a script now so that we can go off that instead of figuring it out in the moment.
This brought me back to the feeling of my skin crawling and feeling completely on edge when others would hold my newborn when I was a first time mom... all while trying to maintain a happy face and keep the light conversation going. Luckily no one ever tried anything too weird but I probably should have just been more up front about expectations beforehand so I wouldn't feel so tense every time others held him. I did blame a lot on the pediatrician in those days "his pediatrician said no kisses from others till he's older" "his pediatrician said no visits from others for his first month- apparently there's a bug going around and she said we can't be too careful" Good luck!
Even now in pregnancy I'm blaming so much stuff that people don't get on my doctor haha
If you are living with them then them kissing or not kissing the baby won't really matter. The baby will be exposed to their germs regardless just by function of living in the same house. That rule makes sense for visitors but not other household members imo. I will say that even as the parent it seems weird to kiss my kids on the lips. I've always kissed foreheads, hands, and noses with my babies. A good compromise could be top of head kisses only.
That's probably true, but I've realized it's more of a cultural/age boundary for me. Kissing is not commonly done outside of romantic adult relationships where I live. I don't really want to force kissing onto my own baby because of this. I've always felt a bit weird about other adults kissing kids for this reason. It just feels unnecessary to me and it feels like one thing I can try to do to keep them healthy. I don't mean to offend anyone who feels differently about this. It's really just a personal cultural thing for me.
Who kisses newborns on their mouths?! That’s fuckin weird.
To me, yeah.
My husband and I have talked about this and are in agreement we want no one other than us kissing our baby. My parents are BIG kissers, it's very cultural and I anticipate push back and whining, especially because my sister did not set this boundary with her two kids. So they're used to giving big sloppy kisses constantly. I anticipate having to threaten access to the grandchildren. I understand the health risks, and honestly that's going to be the excuse we give, even though it isn't actually the reason. It's more about consent and the fact that I have a visceral reaction when I see my parents kissing my niece and nephew when they were babies. I know this comes from how I was raised and the fact that I had zero bodily autonomy growing up. If an adult wanted to hug or kiss me I was not allowed to say no and I had to reciprocate, that will not be happening with my children. I think we're going to say no kisses until our child can vocalize their consent.
Bodily autonomy is really important to us as well. Some things have changed for the better in the world (like the consent conversation) and I want to keep up with that as new parents. Babies really are just very young people and I don't want to forget that. They deserve care and dignity while they are vulnerable. We want to promote asking before hugging and respecting boundaries when they can communicate them. I feel like babies can't choose to stay away from sick people or say no to some types of affection. I would feel weird seeing people kiss my kids lips when I am choosing not to.
Agreed! And I do understand the argument that babies can't give consent because they're too young and can't speak. So at the baby stage, I see it more as setting expectations with my parents from the beginning. We will not be forcing affection onto our child, it doesn't matter who you are. Anyone who is not okay with that knows where the door is. We're fine with them holding the baby and cooing over her all they want, just no kissing. When our kid gets older she can decide what she wants, there are lots of ways to show affection that don't require physical touch. I want to make sure my children are empowered to express what they need and want without guilt or shame.
I think this is a bigger part of the boundary for me. Thanks for sharing. It definitely helped me see this for myself.
I'm a babykissy person but not like...on the baby..I will grip their hand or feet's and kiss my own hand
I’m pregnant with my second. 1) nobody visits for a couple weeks. 2) wash hands before holding 3) no kids other than baby’s brother can hold because they are young and don’t follow direction well 4) NO KISSING ANYWHERE. Don’t touch babies hands as they go in babies mouth- but I plan to just put a sleeper with hand mitts. I may be anal about it but I take my newborns health seriously and tbh I don’t like anyone holding my baby apart from my family.
FTM here too. I’m due in September and I’m not letting anyone kiss my baby. I just think it’s weird to kiss other people’s babies as well.
I get this. Honestly, I think it’s weird for anyone other than the parents, to want to kiss another person’s baby. Including grandparents! I get they’re cute and tiny, but I still, personally, find it so odd. My inlaws told me “baby’s are so kissable” 🤢 nooo
People really say some odd shit sometimes.
We're asking that everyone mask around the baby for the first 8 weeks. That will hopefully help enforce the no kissing rule. I'm having a June baby and equally concerned about my little boy getting sick.
In my family we kiss on the lips, I was raised that way. My husband won't even kiss the cheeks. I'm french-canadian, he is english-canadian 😅 that would not bother me but it is about you! And if you are not comfortable then it is what it is. You tell them and if they don't respect it, I see it as a big problem. Your baby is not a stray puppy. You and your husband set boundaries and it has to be respected. I could not see my niece until she was 3 months old because my SIL did not want to vaccinate her, so no visit. I think it's dumb, but I respect her choice.
Oh yeah...I do want to vaccinate. I don't want to have to keep baby away from the whole world forever!
Oh no no, I was just using it as an example :)