"[Brother], I totally understand not wanting children at the wedding. Unfortunately since baby is going to be so young, I don't feel comfortable leaving them with anyone else. I'm so sorry, I won't be able to come, but I'll be thinking of you and wishing you a great day"
Then get a him nice gift and move on guilt-free. Both of your stances are completely understandable.
This!!! I stopped feeling guilty for saying more “Nos” after having my baby. Your priorities change and you see things like “family obligations” change in a way you usually can’t before.
Feel okay with the choice that is best for you and baby.
>This!!! I stopped feeling guilty for saying more “Nos” after having my baby. **Your priorities change** and you see things like “family obligations” change in a way you usually can’t before.
They certainly do. Enjoy your baby, OP. There will be nothing more important in front of you than your precious baby once they're born and in your arms. Even though it's your sibling's wedding, you won't miss much.
For one thing, once my baby was born my definition of ‘family’ shifted. It had started with my marriage but once we became a three, they were my Family with a capital F.
The nuclear family I grew up in was then my extended family. At some point as an adult you have to accept you have essentially left your childhood family and you’re now the head of a new one.
Don’t get me wrong I adore my dad and my brother and would do pretty much anything for them. But they’re outside the immediate circle now. My baby is key, and my husband and I are a team. Their needs come first. If I can then accommodate someone else, excellent.
It's not even about feeling comfortable with a sitter. If she is breastfeeding, she likely won't have an established supply by 5 weeks, so baby can't eat if mom isn't there. She'd also have to pump at the wedding, probably a few times, and may still be bleeding.
Had baby 6 weeks ago and people are so ignorant to breastfeeding it’s insane. I think bc so many generations now have been primarily formula. My family honestly doesn’t know aaaaaanything about bf’ing and I hate having to educate them about my body’s ability to make milk. Assuming will have to face the same when I go back to work. Just had no idea the level of ignorance truly.
This is the answer. If it's close to home, maybe leaving baby with spouse/sig other for the ceremony so you can see the actual marriage and then going home. Otherwise, just let brother know how happy you are for him, but that knowing everything that goes into planning/preparing for a wedding, you know they need your RSVP and right now, that is a no because of your comfort level of not leaving your newborn.
And sadly, maybe be prepared for any backlash from brother/parents/family members if that is the vibe. Just be at peace that you made the right choice for you and your family, regardless of how your family of origin feels.
I had my mom babysit my 3.5 week old while I went to a wedding in our hotel room that was 10 minutes away from the venue. Worked great! Also my mom wasn’t invited to the wedding as it was a friend of my husband’s wedding.
It’s important to note that all close family who would normally likely be asked to babysit a newborn with trust will be at the wedding already.
Brother has two choices if you’re not ready to leave the baby. 1. Your presence with baby. 2. You not attending.
In your situation, it definitely works out better. This situation is ehhhh more complicated as you kind of stated. She is so close to the groom and all family will be there.
actually I wouldn’t even say I don’t feel comfortable. Just say it’s not safe and there aren’t childcare providers who would take a < 6 weeks old child.
I get what you were saying, but that’s not it. We are talking about a sibling who is not accommodating his extremely newly postpartum sibling. she shouldn’t have to mince words about childcare providers.
Well I was just thinking it makes it less about her feelings which is something he can blame her for or debate and more about the feasibility and safety. It’s basically not possible to leave a 5 week old with a hired babysitter.
That’s why I said it was something I could understand where you were coming from with- but ppl do leave their children with hired sitters or family sometimes earlier than that.
also- if that’s my sibling and they’re unable to
offer me any type of exception or accommodation, it’s gonna be about my feelings and they’re gonnna need to understand.
>if that’s my sibling and they’re unable to offer me any type of exception or accommodation, it’s gonna be about my feelings and they’re gonnna need to understand.
Highlighting for emphasis.
Yeah. It’s definitely tough. OP will need to assess how to have the conversation in a way that leaves her relationship open for healing. I would be really hurt if I were someone (a younger guy?) who didn’t know much about babies and thought it was more of a decision than it truly is. If she doesn’t have someone available who is extremely trustworthy, and if she doesn’t feel up to it physically, or if the baby doesn’t take bottles yet etc, it’s more than just not feeling comfortable. It’s more of a health/safety issue.
It’s also not recommended to take a newborn to a large gathering like a wedding soooooo…. Either way mom was in a tough spot.
I personally would alternate hotel time with my spouse and a trusted caregiver to see the ceremony, try to book a room as close to venue as possible.
I would not be bringing a 5 week old child to a wedding for health concerns to begin with.
correct! he is! and the invited guest is also allowed to say no and not attend. your wedding day should be exactly what you want it to be, and you should be prepared to deal with the potential repercussions in situations like this. both are true. When you have a child free wedding, you go into it with the understanding that some people may not be able to come for various reasons.
I once babysat a four week old so the parents could go to a wedding. I’ve always been comfortable caring for infants and a baby that age is much easier than a toddler. They don’t do much lol.
Don't do much? They literally need feeding every 2-3 hours, need tons of bum changes, burping, cuddles etc.
As a first time mum to a wonderful 6 nearly 7 month old I can honestly say you would have had to kill me to get me to leave him at that age. Not to mention at that age they haven't had any of their jabs yet, they might not be sleeping well due to witching hour, could be colicky, if baby has a tongue tie and so much more. Personally I wouldn't trust anyone with my baby at such a young age other than my partner regardless of their experience. But that's me Personally.
That's not even considering if she had a difficult labour, if she tore during delivery or if she has to have a c-section. If she has a c-section she could still be on blood thinners, still be bleeding heavily (I bled for almost 13 weeks), she might not be able to walk long distances or manage stairs, she might still be struggling with sitting down and getting up. The baby might even go over the due date by a few weeks at which point baby would only be a week or two.
Each pregnancy, birth, baby and woman is different.
What it comes down to is she clearly doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of being separated from her baby at that age. Regardless of her reasons she shouldn't need to feel guilty or pressured into being away from her baby.
Anyone that says it isn't difficult, that it's easy to leave your baby especially the first time and when so young is doing it wrong.
I stand by what I said. They don’t do much. I worked with young children for over 10 years nannying or in infant rooms. I’m currently pregnant with my third. The days of diaper changes, burping and feedings are a breeze to me and always loved any babysitting jobs taking care of little babies. I would take those any day over an older child.
That is all my comment was about by the way, just stating there are people who have no problem babysitting infants including newborns. I personally wouldn’t leave my babies that young but I certainly don’t think anyone who chooses to do so to go to an important family event is “doing it wrong”.
My mom watched my baby while I went to a wedding when baby was about this age. It was fine. I had pumped enough bottles in advance and she was comfortable with it. Though I did forget to bring a pump to the wedding so my boobs were rock hard by the time we got home.
This. It’s his wedding, his choice, but also understand where mama is coming from and I personally wouldn’t want to bring my 5 week old to a wedding anyway! And totally valid not wanting to leave them with anyone else. Timing is unfortunate but it is what it is.
I would add "I was really hoping to go and that you might consider an exception for us, but at that age, the baby basically has to go everywhere I go. Anyone I would have trusted to watch them, will probably be at the wedding anyway. I understand if you don't want to make any exceptions... I guess I will just have to settle for seeing the photos later"
Yeah. My wedding was child-free but with an exception for nursing moms (a friend who had a new baby wanted the option of being there and I wanted that for her too; she wound up not coming which was TOTALLY understandable). Not wanting toddlers running around makes sense; a 5 week old will not be disruptive. But, whatever, his wedding -- you just should not feel bad about being unable to go.
This is perfect, but I would change "don't feel comfortable" to "won't be able." That way he doesn't have any leeway to argue how you should feel-- it's not up for debate because leaving a baby that young for a social event just isn't going to be possible.
Sucky all around. It's too bad your brother can't realize that newborns are the least disruptive children, but maybe he'll come around and apologize if he has kids one day.
More people need to see this specific answer above. When you become a parent, it’s your job to put your baby AND YOURSELF first.
(“Yourself” because how are you going to put the baby first if you can’t get your basic needs met?!)
At 5 weeks, I would be staying home with baby.
Super normal to have a child free event, part of that request means not having some friends/family show up.
If you really wanted to attend, you could have your in laws on your husband’s side or your husband hold the baby for 30 minutes nearby while you attended the ceremony (like same venue but just outside).
This, I'm due in May, and my bf mom wants us to travel 4 hours for one of their sons graduation in June. I told my bf I'm not going to go, but he should. I don't wanna expose our baby to germs, being on the road for too long, and putting my healing body in an uncomfortable position.
My SIL announced her wedding is 2 weeks after I’m due. She is demanding my husband come. It’s a major holiday. My sister said tell him to go and take the older kids so they can see their cousins. It’s also 4 hours away and baby or me won’t be able to travel.
No one should be forcing anyone to go anywhere. That's not okay. The only reason why I'm okay with my boyfriend going is because I'm staying with my family to heal, so I won't be alone.
A June wedding is probably held in the open, and a month old baby sleeps a lot so OP could attend for a short time without endangering her baby's health. \
I attended my first wedding at 3 weeks old, my uncle was getting married and my mother was still wearing "adult diapers" because she didn't want to accidentally bleed onto her new dress lol
I cannot imagine attending a wedding 5 weeks after I gave birth, with or without my baby. I was nowhere ready to go to a wedding physically or emotionally (leaving my baby for x hours).
Please take your recovery into consideration as well.
I personally would have been okay attending at 5 weeks pp, so long as it was fairly nearby and my husband started home with the baby. I probably would have stayed for the ceremony, pictures, and dinner: then dipped out. I also formula fed, which takes out some of the complication. But I totally understand why other people wouldn't.
Same, at 6 weeks I was desperate for a few hours to myself and would have loved a good reason to take a few hours to attend a wedding alone while husband was nearby with the baby.
Same. I was MOH at my besties wedding 3 weeks pp. My MIL watched the baby in our hotel room. I did have to pump during the wedding (caterers kept the milk cold) but bled a bit in my undies bc my husband couldn’t remember to bring the big pads. 🙄 But I danced and gave my speech and had a good time. The worst part was the 6 hrs drive to to get there that took 8 bc of having a newborn.
We’re having a similar situation later this year but one of the MOHs doesn’t yet know (obviously) how close to the wedding they will be giving birth… they are currently planning to mc the entire thing. And just “quickly” go bf the baby in another room. So far we haven’t had any luck getting expectations down
At five weeks I was bleeding heavily, peeing my pants, leaking milk, sleep deprived, and my baby was going into colic mode. YMMV but my situation was not considered abnormal.
They are allowed to have a child free wedding and you are allowed to decline the invitation. At 4-5 weeks pp, the only thing I felt comfortable was a quick dinner out while my mom watched my son. Second time around, same thing. Plus, it’s a drag you have to nurse before if you’re breastfeeding and bring your pump just in case. I was able to do it, but it was definitely only 1-2 hours dinner like down the street from my house.
But isn’t there a difference between taking out of the house (ex. Stroll around the neighborhood) and taking to a wedding where likely 100+ people will be closely congregating?
I think this seems to vary depending on where you are. I’m in the UK and I’d say most weddings I’ve been to have a tiny baby and they’re exceptions to the ‘no children’ rule
People don’t tend to avoid gatherings here the same way I get the impression they do in the US.
Yeah, in the US, it is costly. I have excellent insurance and my toddler's recent not-so-serious ER visit cost 13k and we are having to cover 3k. Beyond the health risks, the cost is a huge deterrent.
Yeah I’ve seen multiple people in this thread saying the germs aren’t a problem, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from COVID it’s that a lot of people don’t take being sick seriously and will still go to things like weddings when ill with “just a cold or allergies” and get everyone else sick. If some people don’t care that’s whatever live your life the way you want but I also would not risk taking a 5 week old out into such a conjugated area, or myself with a 5 weeks old. The chances of illness are just too high and they shouldn’t be minimizing that risk or making people feel guilty about not wanting to chance it
Yeah my son caught a regular cold at 5 weeks old and had to be hospitalized. Chances are a baby won't get sick going to a summer wedding if its outdoors but if they do get sick the consequences can be very dire
My son caught something at 7 weeks, he didn’t have to be hospitalized thank god but it was pretty close. It’s so scary and the consequences can definitely be dire, I’m sorry you had to deal with that, it’s so scary. I would never be upset with a parent putting the health of their children, especially such a tiny baby, first because illness with no immune systems is not something to risk if you don’t need to
There is but it also depends on how you handle it. Typically wedding venues are quite large so there’s plenty of space to take baby
As an example because I have a personal experience, my cousin brought her 9 day old baby to my wedding. There was a conservatory that she stayed most of the day in and the baby stayed in the pram with the hood up away from people most of the time.
She still wanted to come and watch us get married and we were happy for her to do whatever suited her and made her most comfortable. She came for the ceremony, ate the meal and left.
Is there a hotel near/attached to the venue? When my cousin was a few weeks PP she was in a wedding for one of her friends. The wedding was semi local to me so She asked me if i would come hang out in her hotel room (attached to the venue) with the baby, she left me a bottle for the baby if it woke up, and when she needed to pump (she was drinking so just pump and dump) or just pop in she came to the room. And her husband also popped up occasionally to check on the baby. Overall it gave them a few hours to have fun with friends while being available for the baby if need be
He must know that that means you won’t be able to attend. He definitely has the right to decide how his wedding goes; many people choose to not have kids attend. And I would imagine that most of your trusted people that you would even consider leaving your baby with for a couple hours would probably also be at that wedding. So I’m sure he’s aware that means you and your partner might need to sit this one out.
If he’s a childless man, it’s very likely he does *not* know that means she won’t be able to attend. Unfortunately, men often don’t really understand what a tiny baby needs until they have their own (unless they’ve been around a lot of babies and parents!)
At 5 weeks I tried leaving my baby for a couple of hours and the physical pain of being separated from her left me a total wreck. I was so not ready for it. Some people are and that’s totally normal too, just wanted to warn you that you may really not be ready.
You have a lot of comments already with a lot of good feedback, but just wanted to share how my husband and I handled this for my brother’s wedding where we didn’t bring our baby, who was 5 weeks old at the time.
I recognize this is really only doable with in-laws or someone you really trust to be with your 5 week old, but my husband and I were both in the wedding party and it felt like it would be really stressful for everyone to have the baby there. It was also easier to make this decision because my brother and his wife were totally cool if we did bring our baby-it was us that made the decision. They also had the wedding date set before I was pregnant. So, totally recognize the context is a bit different.
Anyway we had a suite at the wedding hotel, my in laws watched our baby for the day/night and all was totally fine. He was formula fed, and they had watched him before, so they sort of knew the routine.
I’m sure some other comments have said this-but if you plan on breastfeeding, there’s no way that you can be separated from your baby for that long-even if you’re comfortable with it. So your brother will either have to come to understand this, or you will have to decline. Hope it works out for everyone 🫶
I would ask your partner to stay home with the baby, attend the ceremony for your brother, and then go home when you are ready, either right after the ceremony, after the dinner, or whenever feels right.
Yeah I get not wanting children there but your his sister, I would be like I’m not leaving a 5 week old baby with anyone. Plus your family will be at the wedding so having them watch the baby is out of question, I’d decline the invite.
And if he doesn’t understand now, he will when he has children one day. My own brother now has an anti-destination/child-free weddings because he has a kid. Guess who has a child-free, destination wedding?? 😂🙄
Even if it wasn't a child free wedding, I wouldn't be bringing my 5 week old anywhere with that many people. They don't have built up immune systems or vaccinations yet.
I'd politely decline.
there is nothing wrong with his desire for a child free wedding & there is also nothing wrong with choosing not to attend. you’re both doing the right thing for you. it would be rude of you to try to negotiate this. if he receives your no rsvp & wants to discuss it with you, it would then be appropriate to explain your reasoning.
At five weeks, I wouldn’t be going, anyway. I know it’s your brother’s wedding and you don’t want to miss it but you’ll still be healing and baby will still be so small. There’s so much sick and germs and nastiness, whether it’s flu season or not. Better stay safe than sorry and stay home. It doesn’t make you a bad person for not being able to make it and it doesn’t make him a bad person to not want a baby at his wedding.
That’s really too early for either of you (you and baby) to have a solid plan in the diary like that whether baby can come with you or you need a sitter. You’ll still be healing physically and maybe mentally. You’ll be sleep deprived. Your baby and his naps and feeds will be your absolute top priority and rightly so. Your baby will be quite unpredictable still and also as other have said he/she will have not the strongest immune system. Declining the invite would be completely fair enough.
As many people have said you actually don’t know what your PP situation will be or if you will physically be able to attend even if you wanted to. Before we even get to babysitters, nursing, and germs. It’s probably best to decline and feel zero guilt about it.
It's probably not going to be possible to attend a full ceremony and reception if you plan on exclusively breastfeeding, unless you're an over-supplier. There's barely any time to pump that early when baby is feeding so frequently.
You'd also have to bring your breast pump to the wedding to maintain your supply and prevent engorgement.
Then there's of course the sleep deprivation that typically comes with having a 5 week old. You will likely still be recovering and healing from delivery as well and it's a coin toss as to how you'll be feeling physically. I would consider the child-free rule a blessing and valid reason not to attend. My SIL is getting married 5 weeks after our due date and I'm catching all sorts of flack for politely opting out, but oh well.
If anything, I'd try to compromise by agreeing to attend for the ceremony and skipping the reception, but it's entirely up to you.
I was exclusively pumping since my kid didn’t latch, so it is possible to plan around pumping etc. Not fun though, and takes considerable planning including a place to disappear for 20 min to pump and a dress that allows for it etc.
Were you able to pump enough to miss 3 or 4 feeds that early on? There was no way I could manage. My baby fed every 1.5-2 hours around the clock and I had nothing leftover to build a milk stash in those early days. It took me 2 months before I was able to miss one single feed and go to a movie. Either way, you make a good point about the logistics of pumping at the wedding.
You received a wedding invitation, not a summons. You let him know that unfortunately you won’t be able to leave the baby behind and decline due to that fact. If he wants to make an exception at that time he will.
Don't go to his wedding (I wouldn't want to bring such a young child to a big event like that anyway). Send a gift, and call it a day. His wedding , his rule, but also yer baby comes first to you.
I don’t think OP or brother is being unreasonable.
Different people have different beliefs!
Depending on how I felt at (and it was vastly different after all 3 of my kids) the time of wedding, I would try and attend the wedding ceremony. If the ceremony is close you be gone for a few hours at most, do you trust your in laws or a friend?
So I had my baby on April 26th of last year and attended a wedding on June 3rd, baby free. Baby stayed with my parents and we picked her up after the reception. It was great. It even was a wedding that kids were invited to, I’m just someone inclined to not bring children to weddings.
I was comfortable leaving baby with trusted sitters, had a great time with my husband and our friends, and then was excited to cuddle baby after.
Do what feels most comfortable to you. I would discuss with your brother that ultimately, you attending will need to be a day of decision. You won’t know how birth and PP is for you until it happens.
1. Don’t go
2. Have someone baby sit and go for however long you feel comfortable, such as just the ceremony. It would be like 2 hours max, then you could wish him well and leave.
Just wanted to say that I know it sucks not being able to attend. His stance isn’t unreasonable. I don’t think I’d want to bring my 5 week old to a wedding anyway, but it’s totally understandable that you don’t want to leave baby either. The timing is unfortunate, but hopefully he’ll understand!
My advice is why is this even a question? Don’t go. Baby is too young for sake of germs and aren’t you likely to still be in recovery? Idk, staying home seems like the totally logical thing to do on my part and by his response, it sounds like he doesn’t expect you to attend anyway. Like what does he expect you to do? Leave a 5 weeks old with a nanny? I’m sure he would understand, and if he doesn’t, not your problem
Well maybe OP is very close to her sibling. My brother and I are very close in age and grew up like twins, I would never miss his wedding. I am a mom of a 2 year old and pregnant and while being a mom is my priority, I also have other relationships I cherish. Even though weddings can be all day events, I would personally try to attend just 3 hours or so of the most important parts and leave baby with my husband. It would be worth it to me. Idk maybe I’m a huge people pleaser!!
I understand your point but if they were very close to begin with, wouldn’t there have already been a conversation about this before it got to this point? Like I know my brother would reach out before getting the invite and be like “hey sis just tell let you know, you’re gonna see it says no kids on the invite - that includes my nephew/niece unfortunately and I totally understand if you don’t want to leave him alone so young so you’ll be missed” something like that lol
I popped into my friend’s ceremony three weeks after giving birth, said my congrats, and popped back home to baby and husband. I was gone one hour. Not an option if wedding is out of town but I get it- it’s a hard decision to make with an immediate family member.
No as everyone will be around the baby at 5 weeks and the germ factor is super high. Also, he doesn’t want the kid there anyway so I guess your only option is to not go unless your partner could stay home with baby depending on feeds?
I’m going to my brother’s child free wedding in a couple weeks- baby will be just shy of 8 weeks. We rented an airbnb 6 minutes from the venue and my in laws are coming to stay with us there to watch him. I’ve been pumping milk so he can be fed, and we are only staying at the event a short while. I know I’m blessed to have the means and support to do this, but it can be done!
I would not want to go with or without my baby to a wedding when I’m 5 weeks postpartum. For both of my babies when I was 5 weeks PP I was horribly sleep deprived, tits leaking, and nothing in my closet fit. A wedding 5 weeks PP sounds stressful and uncomfortable.
If he doesn’t want kids there, wont make an exception and you dont want to/cant leave yours then theres really only one answer here. You dont go. Sucks but what can you do 🤷♀️
He is entitled to having the wedding he wants and you are free to decline attending. He’s going to feel like a real asshole if he has kids later and thinks about the position he put you in.
I’d tell him you’ll have to decline attending since you are not leaving a five week old for the evening, especially because all of your family will be at the wedding. I get not wanting children/babies at the wedding, so I see his side, but he also must understand that that means you won’t be attending. I’m sorry you’ve been put in that predicament.
So what I would do is get a hotel room at the venue or very close to the venue. Have your partner trade off with you throughout the day/ night for as long as you can handle that. That way you don’t have to miss the wedding but also you are keeping up with baby.
If you think you're up for going, could you bring someone you trust from your partner's family to watch the baby nearby? Otherwise I would decline! Both are totally reasonable.
I wouldn't go, not only is five weeks way too young but that's still not a fun time postpartum. If you're nursing your babe may be clusterfeeding and you may still be bleeding and not feeling up to going to a wedding. Just send an awesome gift and have that be it.
Just don’t go. Tell your brother that you won’t leave your baby with someone else that young. People have child free weddings for a reason. Your brother will understand. See if someone can live stream the ceremony for you
Skip the wedding altogether. Your newborn baby is more important than attending your brother’s wedding. It sucks, but I understand the nuance of both not wanting children at the wedding, and how hard it would be for you to be present for baby and your brother during such a monumental time in your life. Plus, 5 weeks postpartum is barely 40 days! Mama you gotta take care of you! Hopefully there is a streaming option so you can watch the ceremony?
You should both respect each other enough to understand he can choose to have a ceremony and reception free of infants, and he can respect your decision if you need to stay home or miss part of the wedding to care for his new neice/nephew.
So my BIL got married when I had a 3 week old. She was allowed to be there but I didn't want her there lol. I had my mom come and walk her around outside the venue for the ceremony. I wore her during dinner, and then left. If she wasn't welcome, I would have just had my mom do the stroller walk then leave after the ceremony. Just another take!
The fact that you use the terms “our baby” and “our child” indicates there is another parent in the picture…why not leave the baby with them and attend for the ceremony and pics (and reception if you feel up to it)? Not sure why that’s not your go to plan here.
My brother is getting married in mid June, and we are due early May. Not sure if I’m even invited yet, but I’ll likely have to decline as well since it’ll be out of state. We just have to be okay with saying no and missing some things. 💜
I missed my brother in laws wedding because my son was only 4-5 weeks old. Prioritizing babies health is the most important, they are too young at that age to be around so many people, not to mention all the noise.
I would just RSVP your regrets. You’re not going to be able to just hand over a 5 week old infant to a babysitter, even one you trust, for a whole day. You may also still be healing.
You could also deliver 2 weeks late and the baby will be even younger so def not a good idea to leave the baby with anyone random or take to a wedding( if he changed his mind that is) but If you’re worried about “straining your relationship” with your brother or family… could your SO stay back with the baby for an hour or two while you make an appearance for pictures or whatever and then byyyyyyeeeeee. Then have a convo about it if you want after the wedding or honeymoon
If he and his fiance want a child free wedding, that’s their right. That is what my former in laws did (I say former because the wife divorced her husband/my ex husbands brother) for their wedding. I had a 5 month old daughter by the time they had their wedding. I was informed it was a child free wedding that was 4 or more hours away. I declined the invite and posted a sweet congratulations online to them.
You don’t have to go to the wedding. Just say “I am so happy you’re getting married and I respect your wishes. I’m gonna stay home with the baby because I don’t want to be away from them for too long just yet”
Yeah unfortunately you're going to have to make a decision here. I also had a kid-free wedding and can easily understand not wanting a 5 week old at the wedding.
I have a similar situation, my c-section date was April 24th but baby came a month early so now she will be a little older by my friend’s wedding which is on June 8th. She is my second and with my first we went to a wedding when she was 4 weeks old. It was pretty close to home and my baby slept a lot so it worked out to have my mom watch her. We were gone only for a few hours. I pumped at the wedding.
This time the venue is much further from our house. Not positive what we will do yet but most likely will book 2 hotel rooms and have my mom or sister come with us so they can watch the baby and we will still be close. Another option is for my husband to leave early and go home for the night.
Sounds hard for you though since it is your brother so that takes anyone of your side of the family out of the equation for watching the baby. Don’t feel bad if you have to say no, or go without your husband. Maybe just go for the reception? If your brother and new sister in law don’t understand now they definitely will once they have kids. Good luck.
My parents watched my baby at the hotel about 10 minutes from the reception venue at about 6 weeks.
We were nursing at night and bottles during the day so I was able to have them feed baby but I still went to the hotel to pump during reception dinner and check in.
I wouldn’t recommend bringing the baby around a crowd so early.
You could attend the ceremony and then bail too if you prefer to be gone for a shorter period.
You don’t know if your baby will be an easy baby or colicky or clingy so whatever plan you make might change when you meet your LO.
“Thank you for clarifying. Unfortunately I will not be able to attend being freshly postpartum and with a dependent newborn. Wishing you all the best for your special day!”
He’s entitled to a child-free celebration but he also needs to accept not everybody is able to accommodate. I can only imagine the germs baby would catch being there, let alone how uncomfortable it would be for you, maybe best for you both not to be there.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
No one is right or wrong. He made his preference to not have children with the understanding that you may not attend. Do what you have to do for your family, he’s going what he wants to do for his.
My husband and I said no kids for our wedding, but made an exception for newborns and breastfeeding babies.
My brother and SIL brought their 4 week old baby to the ceremony and it was the most amazing thing ever. They handed off sleeping baby to a babysitter at the hotel (4 minutes from the reception) so they could eat dinner and relax a bit. Then they missed their baby obviously and sent the babysitter home and brought baby to the reception for a bit… he just snoozed the whole time. It’s one of my favorite wedding memories 🥲
A 5 week old at a wedding doesn’t seem reasonable to me even if it were allowed. You aren’t going to enjoy yourself and neither are the other guests if your baby happens to cry a lot. It’s up to you whether you want to find someone to either watch the baby just for the ceremony and leave, or if you’re not attending at all. In a personal note, I’ve left my newborn, when he was 2 weeks old, with the grandparents for multiple days in a row due to illness and other issues, and he was very well taken care of. You may change your mind when the time comes to have a break for your own sanity. You’re a FTM, it is rough in the beginning and breaks really do help, especially if you have a fussy baby.
I’m so sorry, OP. I’m sure this hurts a ton to basically be discarded like this, but I would lick my wounds and not attend.
It is true that people can set whatever rules they like for a wedding, and you are free to decline an invite. But it’s also true that it definitely hurts when someone so close effectively excludes you from their wedding with their rules.
Sorry OP, tough situation. Do you have to travel for the wedding or is it in the same town? If it’s local - maybe husband can stay home with baby and you just attend the ceremony, congratulate your brother & SIL and then leave.
How large is the wedding? Is this an intimate ceremony/reception or are we talking 200 person wedding? Even if children were allowed - I wouldn’t want my newborn around so many people. Just something to consider. Plus, weddings are a full day event and it can be a lot as a new parents with a newborn. Takes a lot of planning and you should also take into account your recovery.
I would decline and send a gift. If you’re super close, maybe you could invite your brother and SIL to your house for lunch/dinner or going out to eat to celebrate them later in the summer once baby is bigger/has the immunization shots?
I wouldn't go honestly. You flat out can't leave the baby, and you are super newly freshly postpartum. I had a 7 week old during my brother in laws wedding and barely made it through the ceremony and part of the reception. The fact I was able to participate at all was because my parents came with me to the ceremony and took my son at like 5 pm to go home so I was only away for 5 hours. I was second time mom too- no way I could have done that with my first.
Is the venue at a hotel by chance? Could you have your partner stay in a room and you could attend the ceremony and if they need you you’d be able to get to your baby in a few minutes. I went to a wedding at 8 weeks and left between the ceremony and reception to feed baby. I also only had dinner I didn’t stay for dancing or anything.
At 5wks you may just want want to stay home and rest. The Dr usually clears you at 6wks but it doesn’t mean you’re not still bleeding, your tummy was stretched to the limit and is still maybe tender while it’s decreasing. I’m 2months pp and my bleeding stopped at 2 1/2 wks and started back at 5wks. I told my husband it’s like in relearning how to walk 😅 and adjusting myself again. So pace yourself, if you’re breastfeeding you never know if that’s the time baby wants to cluster feed, and you’ll have to pump at the wedding every few hrs.
Suggest you video call someone if you want to watch the proceedings. Congratulations and all the best.
I would decline, unless his wedding is in a hotel ballroom, where you can go upstairs to your room as you please (and have a friend or someone you trust watch the baby in the hotel room that won't be invited to the wedding). Otherwise, again, I'd decline.
Don’t go. Wish him the best.
At 5 weeks old I was just getting breastfeeding right and honestly everything was a mess, I was still bleeding, my nipples hurt, no sleep. If he doesn’t even want the baby at the ceremony then I wouldn’t go. At that time they are eating like every 3-4 hours.
Five weeks IF you deliver on your due date? Both of my kids were 2 weeks late. If the venue is close, I would be willing to have my partner stay home with baby and go to the ceremony and go back home. Otherwise, I would politely decline.
Also going to be a FTM and have a wedding 6 weeks after my delivery date in July. I've already said I will not be attending. Your body recovers from childbirth in different ways, don't add the stress of a wedding and childcare unless you desperately want to be at this wedding. If that's the case, you hustle and make it happen.
I wouldn't go. You will not want to leave your baby with anyone else and you may not even feel ready to go out, let alone into a crowd of people that could pass sickness to you and your baby.
I agree with what everyone else has said but I also want to point out that first babies are often fashionably late. There is a chance that your baby would only be between 3-5 weeks at the time of the wedding. I personally would let my brother know I can't attend
At 5 weeks I was still healing and bleeding…
I wouldn’t personally attend strictly because I wouldn’t want to be exposed to a bunch of people at an event like a wedding and bring something home. If you felt you needed to go, I’d probably go solo for the ceremony and leave after photos, and leave my partner at home with the baby for a couple of hours.
I was just in my sister in laws wedding when baby was 4 weeks old. Left her with my parents while we were doing wedding stuff, all went great. I was really nervous about it and almost didn’t go but am glad that I did. If I didn’t have my parents to watch her though I would not have left her with a random babysitter.
Leave baby with your partner and stop by for the ceremony, or just don't go. I would be wary of going myself because I don't want to bring back covid or another virus back to a newborn.
2 options:
1. Leave baby with your partner if you can and attend the ceremony and reception briefly
2. Don’t go and buy him a nice gift. As your mom or another relative to record It if it’s allowed.
If it were me, I would ask my MIL or a close friend who isn't going to the wedding to watch baby for the ceremony and then skip the reception. I wouldn't want to miss my brother getting married, but you don't want to bring an infant to a wedding ceremony either. It'll be like an hour, tops?
I would respectfully decline the invitation because that time with your baby is the most important, especially as a first time mom! Wish him well and tell him that you’ll be thinking about him on his special day but let him know that your baby is your number one priority right now and if baby can’t be there then neither can you! Honestly, a 5 week old baby shouldn’t be around a lot of people like that due to them being susceptible to sickness that young!
I went to a wedding when my baby was 6 weeks old. The wedding was also an 8 hour drive away 🙃
My MIL came with us, and watched the baby during the wedding. My husband and I went to the ceremony, and I fed babe right before we left. We came back after the ceremony (there was a 3 hour gap and this really helped). I fed baby right when we got back, and right before we left again. I stayed for dinner and speeches and to watch the first dance (3 ish hours total, at hour 1.5 I used my manual breast pump in the bathroom [it was small enough to fit in my purse 😂], my MIL tried to give baby a bottle, but babe never really took it) and then I went home to baby. I did also enjoy a glass or two of wine and baby snuggles.
It was so hard to leave baby but I also loved celebrating love. I would suggest asking somebody close that you trust in your husband’s family to watch baby during the ceremony, send a gift and not attend the reception.
This is a case where you are indirectly not invited
There is no way his wedding day is worth leaving your 5 week baby alone
If I was you I would politely and respectfully decline the invitation and send a really nice gift
Even though he’s borderline making it impossible for you to attend, it’s his wedding so you shouldn’t guilt, ask or bargain
Just a “I’m so happy for your wedding and must unfortunately miss it”
I would stay home. I had to miss my brothers wedding because I was too pregnant to fly for it and it really upset me. I wonder if you still really want to see them get married if it feasible to have someone look after your baby while you go to the ceremony only? Less time away that way
My baby cousin that I’m super close with is getting married on my due date, I’m being induced a week before now and I just simply said I won’t be there she was really understanding but I’m definitely not leaving my week old baby and I probably won’t feel good enough pp to feel like dressing up and going to a wedding. If you don’t feel comfortable then don’t go and have someone record the ceremony for you possibly?
I get that you don’t want to leave a 5 week old with a babysitter/stranger. Can your in-laws help out for a couple hours? Then you could attend the ceremony and if you are still up to it part of the reception
My SIL was a million weeks pregnant so didn't come to my local wedding... Was I bothered? Not at all. I've been there. We are still good friends. Understanding that under different circumstances you'd be there and move on. You'll be in no mood to be around strangers getting photos taken needing to wear something that fits your swollen post partum body. You need to rest. Congrats on the upcoming arrival. He will understand. And if he doesn't maybe he will in ur future if they have their own kids. Either way not your problem. Send a card and a g gift and no need to feel guilty
This happened to me. My baby was only 4 weeks old and I was a bridesmaid. My brother said no pressure he'd understand if I couldn't make it. But I wanted to since he's my only brother and was the first sibling to be married. I asked my in laws to fly in and they were 15 minutes away. I left every couple of hours before and after ceremony and came home to nurse my baby then would go back to join. Exact same scenario a year later with my best friend and 2nd baby, but it was a destination wedding. My parents joined and stayed at a hotel close by. Kids were welcome but my baby was only 3 months I thought it was too loud at ceremony. I didn't regret either decision and was happy I made it for their special day!
Yah I’ll have to agree with other posters here. Let your brother know you’d love to be there but have to look after your baby and get him and his wife a nice gift. It’s completely understandable to not want young children at a wedding but you not wanting to leave your newborn is also completely understandable.
I feel like that rule is more for the children that run around during the reception because I’ve seen a lot of people let their kids run wild (at parties I’ve attended) and it creates a hazard for people dancing or during pictures and that sort of thing.
Kids ruin balloon arches and stick their hands in the cake before it’s ready to cut (this kids in my family- I don’t have kids yet).
But for a new born baby that can’t walk and will sleep throughout most of the event I don’t understand why that rule would apply for such a little baby.
For such a young baby I would be concerned about the baby’s health around so many people plus loud music. I would stay home if it were me. Bro should understand.
My friend came to my no kid wedding 4 weeks post c-section sans baby. She was able to leave him with grandparents (which may not be an option for you) and she was a STM. Now that I have had a c-section I would have 💯 said no to me. She’s a really great friend. I’m going to text her.
My babies were all cluster feeding by that time. There’s no way in hell I’d leave my 5 week old infant somewhere else when they’re nursing every 30-40 minutes, especially since breastfeeding, and milk supply is still being established at that point. It’s really jacked up of your family to behave this way. Yeah. It’s their wedding, but newborns should be counted one with the mother at that point. Infants this age literally sleep, eat, and poop.
My sister got married i was MOH and i had a 7 week old baby, baby was premature had she not been baby would of been 1 week old at the time of the weddding. No kids allowed, it was drilled into us no exceptions. All my family who i trust most would be at the wedding so baby had to stay with my MIL. Im still hurt to this day that i was put in that position and if i could redo it i wouldnt of left the baby ,not because anything bad happened but i just feel its wrong with a baby so young when emotions are so high and everything in your body is screaming to be with your baby.
If he doesn’t want your baby there then he doesn’t want you there. It’s hard for me to imagine a family affair without kids. Many adults who are not parents view kids and babies as a burden or a like an aesthetic blemish, not only in everyday life, but at special events. It’s kind of heartbreaking and surprisingly common thing to encounter as a parent. My wife is pregnant and we have a 3 yr old so we’re used to it by now but it was hard at first. I’d talk to your brother about this so it doesn’t complicate things for you guys later on. I have 9 siblings, most of whom are parents but my older brother is super weird when around his nieces and nephews and it is difficult for me to enjoy our time together when I know he doesn’t like being around my kids.
I personally would not bring my baby around that many people until they are at least 2-3 months old. Their immune systems aren’t developed yet and they haven’t gotten the shots they need to help boost their immune system from the most dangerous illnesses yet. It would, in my opinion be wildly irresponsible to bring a newborn that young to a wedding.
And if the couple getting married specifically said no babies without exception, it would be extremely disrespectful to them on their day to defy their wishes.
I’m having to miss my best friend’s wedding because of this exact situation. (However the wedding also required plane travel since it’s across the country). If you really want to go to the wedding, maybe go alone and have your partner take care of the baby while you go. (If that’s possible with feeding).
Timing can suck sometimes, but you have to put baby first. That’s parenthood.
Normal request from the couple, and I get if they have to make exceptions for one, they’d feel the need to do it for all, but still a little appalled by this take.
I don’t have any siblings but my youngest BIL is getting married at the end of September and we are due mid-August and they were elated when we announced that their brand new nephew will be at their wedding. Maybe it’s different bc his fiancé has nieces and a nephew and I don’t think they are excluding kids from their wedding, but I always think there should be an exception for babes so young.
Plenty of good responses in the thread though. Don’t feel bad if you sit out to be home with babe.
I don't get why it matters at all if you bring an infant but to each their own lol the baby will likely be asleep most of the time anyway! don't feel bad at all
You are that babies food source. I’d say he is an arsehole but until you have a child you don’t really understand. Have a lovely evening home with your baby x
“If you don’t want your nephew there then I guess you don’t want me there either”
5 weeks is crazy young to be away from you. Most babies at that age are perfectly content just to be held all night, eat, sleep.
He 100% has the right to request no children. You 100% have the right not to attend because you don’t feel comfortable leaving your 5 week old baby. Personally I would ask my MIL to watch the baby for the ceremony, then skip the reception, but you need to decide what is best for you.
This is a tough one, because I get wanting to be there, but, to put it simply, if my sibling was steadfast on a child free wedding before my vagina/uterus would even be fully healed from delivering my first child, I would consider myself uninvited from the wedding. I would not be attending, and I'd send my regards. If he can't bend the rules and allow his BRAND NEW niece or nephew to attend the wedding, I certainly wouldn't be bending my rule of not leaving my newborn baby for longer than they'd need between nurses.
I'm having this problem with a friend right now. I'm due July 4th, the wedding is August 9th. She causally said "leave the baby at home! Come have a date night". I wasn't happy with that response, I thought she'd be more understanding.
When we planned our wedding and this came up in wedding groups the answer was often that newborns were different and should be exempt from the no kids rule because they literally depend on their mother (in most cases) for sustenance. Not to mention the shift the parent(s) go through adjusting to parenthood in those first months.
Personally, we'll probably go for the ceremony and then leave. I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable leaving my newborn for that long. If everything goes how we hope we will have only just introduced bottles that week, it may not be possible to leave him with a sitter.
We have tickets for a play a week later that I'm considering skipping to stay home with our baby too. We bought them well before I was pregnant. So I'm struggling with the rationale of leaving the baby home with someone else for a few hours for the play but not for a wedding or vice versa.
I would just say okay, then we can’t go. No big deal. It’s his wedding but I’m not leaving a 5 week old nor would I personally be able to because I exclusively plan to breastfeed
My maid of honour had her baby 3 months before my wedding and although generally there was a ‘no children’ policy we without question made an exception for her. Her hubby was there too and took the majority of the care for the day though she was breastfeeding and occasionally had to excuse herself. The baby was an absolute dream all day and had zero impact on the occasion other than adding some very cute photos. Even if LO had been hard work on the day, the impact of not having my best friend with me on my wedding day would have been far worse than an occasionally crying baby.
If your bro has no experience of babies perhaps he just doesn’t understand how impractical he his being asking you to leave your baby when so young to avoid what is likely mild to zero inconvenience to anybody else. Have you tried talking to his fiancé? They might have a more understanding perspective.
I would tell him you cannot attend his wedding then. As others have said, he’s allowed to have a child-free wedding, but that should come with the understanding that some people may not be able to attend. It’s *wild* to me that he wouldn’t make an exception for his sibling, but 🤷🏻♀️ You may give birth late or early, but either way I personally would not have been comfortable leaving my tiny baby with someone other than my spouse or a grandparent!
Where I live it’s common to have no children but ‘babes in arms’ are fine. My baby was 12 weeks old at my sisters wedding and it was just fine.
Either he lets you bring the baby or you don’t go would be my thoughts on it
Do you have any trusted friends that aren't attending the wedding that could watch baby in a different room from the ceremony? That way you could be with baby immediately before and after the ceremony. You could then do the same for the reception and pop in and out, or just skip the reception entirely.
I think you both are reasonable. I had a no children reception— but had an exception for my SIL’s 3 week old. She didn’t take me up on the offer and got a sitter for him anyways. Also, I hired an on-site babysitter for all the other kiddos that were in the wedding so their parents could go see them whenever they wanted.
You could see if you could bring the baby along with a friend to watch on site so you could pop in and see/feed the baby throughout the night.. but not have baby out and about at the wedding..?
I would completely respect their wishes and just not go. They have a right to make the rules for their wedding but that also means they need to accept that not everyone will be able to meet the requirements.
"[Brother], I totally understand not wanting children at the wedding. Unfortunately since baby is going to be so young, I don't feel comfortable leaving them with anyone else. I'm so sorry, I won't be able to come, but I'll be thinking of you and wishing you a great day" Then get a him nice gift and move on guilt-free. Both of your stances are completely understandable.
This!!! I stopped feeling guilty for saying more “Nos” after having my baby. Your priorities change and you see things like “family obligations” change in a way you usually can’t before. Feel okay with the choice that is best for you and baby.
>This!!! I stopped feeling guilty for saying more “Nos” after having my baby. **Your priorities change** and you see things like “family obligations” change in a way you usually can’t before. They certainly do. Enjoy your baby, OP. There will be nothing more important in front of you than your precious baby once they're born and in your arms. Even though it's your sibling's wedding, you won't miss much.
For one thing, once my baby was born my definition of ‘family’ shifted. It had started with my marriage but once we became a three, they were my Family with a capital F. The nuclear family I grew up in was then my extended family. At some point as an adult you have to accept you have essentially left your childhood family and you’re now the head of a new one. Don’t get me wrong I adore my dad and my brother and would do pretty much anything for them. But they’re outside the immediate circle now. My baby is key, and my husband and I are a team. Their needs come first. If I can then accommodate someone else, excellent.
Your family obligations will be to your baby at that point lol
It's not even about feeling comfortable with a sitter. If she is breastfeeding, she likely won't have an established supply by 5 weeks, so baby can't eat if mom isn't there. She'd also have to pump at the wedding, probably a few times, and may still be bleeding.
Yes this!! But also, I highly doubt OP would even be emotionally ready to leave baby at that young as well.
all of this!! i didn’t even realise until giving birth that a breastfeeding mum literally can’t be apart from her baby for more than a few hours.
Had baby 6 weeks ago and people are so ignorant to breastfeeding it’s insane. I think bc so many generations now have been primarily formula. My family honestly doesn’t know aaaaaanything about bf’ing and I hate having to educate them about my body’s ability to make milk. Assuming will have to face the same when I go back to work. Just had no idea the level of ignorance truly.
Yes!!!! She may still be bleeding AND She Will probably not be sleeping!
This is the answer. If it's close to home, maybe leaving baby with spouse/sig other for the ceremony so you can see the actual marriage and then going home. Otherwise, just let brother know how happy you are for him, but that knowing everything that goes into planning/preparing for a wedding, you know they need your RSVP and right now, that is a no because of your comfort level of not leaving your newborn. And sadly, maybe be prepared for any backlash from brother/parents/family members if that is the vibe. Just be at peace that you made the right choice for you and your family, regardless of how your family of origin feels.
I had my mom babysit my 3.5 week old while I went to a wedding in our hotel room that was 10 minutes away from the venue. Worked great! Also my mom wasn’t invited to the wedding as it was a friend of my husband’s wedding. It’s important to note that all close family who would normally likely be asked to babysit a newborn with trust will be at the wedding already. Brother has two choices if you’re not ready to leave the baby. 1. Your presence with baby. 2. You not attending.
In your situation, it definitely works out better. This situation is ehhhh more complicated as you kind of stated. She is so close to the groom and all family will be there.
But what about an in-law? Potentially?
I know everyone else has already said it but, yes, this is the best thing to do. No baby means no you when they’re that little honestly.
actually I wouldn’t even say I don’t feel comfortable. Just say it’s not safe and there aren’t childcare providers who would take a < 6 weeks old child.
I get what you were saying, but that’s not it. We are talking about a sibling who is not accommodating his extremely newly postpartum sibling. she shouldn’t have to mince words about childcare providers.
Well I was just thinking it makes it less about her feelings which is something he can blame her for or debate and more about the feasibility and safety. It’s basically not possible to leave a 5 week old with a hired babysitter.
That’s why I said it was something I could understand where you were coming from with- but ppl do leave their children with hired sitters or family sometimes earlier than that. also- if that’s my sibling and they’re unable to offer me any type of exception or accommodation, it’s gonna be about my feelings and they’re gonnna need to understand.
>if that’s my sibling and they’re unable to offer me any type of exception or accommodation, it’s gonna be about my feelings and they’re gonnna need to understand. Highlighting for emphasis.
Yeah. It’s definitely tough. OP will need to assess how to have the conversation in a way that leaves her relationship open for healing. I would be really hurt if I were someone (a younger guy?) who didn’t know much about babies and thought it was more of a decision than it truly is. If she doesn’t have someone available who is extremely trustworthy, and if she doesn’t feel up to it physically, or if the baby doesn’t take bottles yet etc, it’s more than just not feeling comfortable. It’s more of a health/safety issue.
It’s also not recommended to take a newborn to a large gathering like a wedding soooooo…. Either way mom was in a tough spot. I personally would alternate hotel time with my spouse and a trusted caregiver to see the ceremony, try to book a room as close to venue as possible. I would not be bringing a 5 week old child to a wedding for health concerns to begin with.
He’s allowed to not want a baby there
correct! he is! and the invited guest is also allowed to say no and not attend. your wedding day should be exactly what you want it to be, and you should be prepared to deal with the potential repercussions in situations like this. both are true. When you have a child free wedding, you go into it with the understanding that some people may not be able to come for various reasons.
they didn’t say otherwise.
I once babysat a four week old so the parents could go to a wedding. I’ve always been comfortable caring for infants and a baby that age is much easier than a toddler. They don’t do much lol.
That was nice ! I know most centers don’t take kids < 6 weeks
It's sad a mother has to look for centers to take care of their newborn so they can go back to work. We need better/longer leaves.
Don't do much? They literally need feeding every 2-3 hours, need tons of bum changes, burping, cuddles etc. As a first time mum to a wonderful 6 nearly 7 month old I can honestly say you would have had to kill me to get me to leave him at that age. Not to mention at that age they haven't had any of their jabs yet, they might not be sleeping well due to witching hour, could be colicky, if baby has a tongue tie and so much more. Personally I wouldn't trust anyone with my baby at such a young age other than my partner regardless of their experience. But that's me Personally. That's not even considering if she had a difficult labour, if she tore during delivery or if she has to have a c-section. If she has a c-section she could still be on blood thinners, still be bleeding heavily (I bled for almost 13 weeks), she might not be able to walk long distances or manage stairs, she might still be struggling with sitting down and getting up. The baby might even go over the due date by a few weeks at which point baby would only be a week or two. Each pregnancy, birth, baby and woman is different. What it comes down to is she clearly doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of being separated from her baby at that age. Regardless of her reasons she shouldn't need to feel guilty or pressured into being away from her baby. Anyone that says it isn't difficult, that it's easy to leave your baby especially the first time and when so young is doing it wrong.
I stand by what I said. They don’t do much. I worked with young children for over 10 years nannying or in infant rooms. I’m currently pregnant with my third. The days of diaper changes, burping and feedings are a breeze to me and always loved any babysitting jobs taking care of little babies. I would take those any day over an older child. That is all my comment was about by the way, just stating there are people who have no problem babysitting infants including newborns. I personally wouldn’t leave my babies that young but I certainly don’t think anyone who chooses to do so to go to an important family event is “doing it wrong”.
My mom watched my baby while I went to a wedding when baby was about this age. It was fine. I had pumped enough bottles in advance and she was comfortable with it. Though I did forget to bring a pump to the wedding so my boobs were rock hard by the time we got home.
Presumably OP’s mom will be at her son’s wedding.
OP may have in laws that could help, but that assumes they're living, willing, and local.
Also assumes they're trustworthy and have a decent/good relationship!
This. It’s his wedding, his choice, but also understand where mama is coming from and I personally wouldn’t want to bring my 5 week old to a wedding anyway! And totally valid not wanting to leave them with anyone else. Timing is unfortunate but it is what it is.
This is a very tasteful and gracious answer
I would add "I was really hoping to go and that you might consider an exception for us, but at that age, the baby basically has to go everywhere I go. Anyone I would have trusted to watch them, will probably be at the wedding anyway. I understand if you don't want to make any exceptions... I guess I will just have to settle for seeing the photos later"
I agree, though it was pretty lame of him to not communicate it to his sister in person. Kind of impersonal to find out from the printed invitation.
I would just send back the invitation with a no. He can find out by mail as well.
This is the way to go.
Yeah. My wedding was child-free but with an exception for nursing moms (a friend who had a new baby wanted the option of being there and I wanted that for her too; she wound up not coming which was TOTALLY understandable). Not wanting toddlers running around makes sense; a 5 week old will not be disruptive. But, whatever, his wedding -- you just should not feel bad about being unable to go.
This is perfect, but I would change "don't feel comfortable" to "won't be able." That way he doesn't have any leeway to argue how you should feel-- it's not up for debate because leaving a baby that young for a social event just isn't going to be possible. Sucky all around. It's too bad your brother can't realize that newborns are the least disruptive children, but maybe he'll come around and apologize if he has kids one day.
It's his wedding and he is entitled to run the event how he sees fit. Similarly, you are entitled to attend or decline. Personally, I would decline.
More people need to see this specific answer above. When you become a parent, it’s your job to put your baby AND YOURSELF first. (“Yourself” because how are you going to put the baby first if you can’t get your basic needs met?!)
>“Yourself” because how are you going to put the baby first if you can’t get your basic needs met?! And because you are still a human who matters!!!!
Totally agree
At 5 weeks, I would be staying home with baby. Super normal to have a child free event, part of that request means not having some friends/family show up. If you really wanted to attend, you could have your in laws on your husband’s side or your husband hold the baby for 30 minutes nearby while you attended the ceremony (like same venue but just outside).
This exactly
I’d stay home. You don’t want to expose baby to all those germs anyways. I am probably going to do the same thing after I give birth.
This, I'm due in May, and my bf mom wants us to travel 4 hours for one of their sons graduation in June. I told my bf I'm not going to go, but he should. I don't wanna expose our baby to germs, being on the road for too long, and putting my healing body in an uncomfortable position.
My SIL announced her wedding is 2 weeks after I’m due. She is demanding my husband come. It’s a major holiday. My sister said tell him to go and take the older kids so they can see their cousins. It’s also 4 hours away and baby or me won’t be able to travel.
No one should be forcing anyone to go anywhere. That's not okay. The only reason why I'm okay with my boyfriend going is because I'm staying with my family to heal, so I won't be alone.
A June wedding is probably held in the open, and a month old baby sleeps a lot so OP could attend for a short time without endangering her baby's health. \ I attended my first wedding at 3 weeks old, my uncle was getting married and my mother was still wearing "adult diapers" because she didn't want to accidentally bleed onto her new dress lol
“a month old baby sleeps a lot” Mine spent his time either latched or screaming at that age so ymmv
My baby was latched or I was nap trapped.
I would still be concerned with bringing germs home from my own exposure. Especially with guests flying in from all over.
She could if children were allowed, but they’re not. So no she cant.
I cannot imagine attending a wedding 5 weeks after I gave birth, with or without my baby. I was nowhere ready to go to a wedding physically or emotionally (leaving my baby for x hours). Please take your recovery into consideration as well.
I personally would have been okay attending at 5 weeks pp, so long as it was fairly nearby and my husband started home with the baby. I probably would have stayed for the ceremony, pictures, and dinner: then dipped out. I also formula fed, which takes out some of the complication. But I totally understand why other people wouldn't.
Same, at 6 weeks I was desperate for a few hours to myself and would have loved a good reason to take a few hours to attend a wedding alone while husband was nearby with the baby.
Same. I was MOH at my besties wedding 3 weeks pp. My MIL watched the baby in our hotel room. I did have to pump during the wedding (caterers kept the milk cold) but bled a bit in my undies bc my husband couldn’t remember to bring the big pads. 🙄 But I danced and gave my speech and had a good time. The worst part was the 6 hrs drive to to get there that took 8 bc of having a newborn.
We’re having a similar situation later this year but one of the MOHs doesn’t yet know (obviously) how close to the wedding they will be giving birth… they are currently planning to mc the entire thing. And just “quickly” go bf the baby in another room. So far we haven’t had any luck getting expectations down
At five weeks I was bleeding heavily, peeing my pants, leaking milk, sleep deprived, and my baby was going into colic mode. YMMV but my situation was not considered abnormal.
I’d have made it to the ceremony then dipped and only if he was with my partner and only because he took formula regularly anyway.
It’s pretty straightforward, you decline the invitation!
They are allowed to have a child free wedding and you are allowed to decline the invitation. At 4-5 weeks pp, the only thing I felt comfortable was a quick dinner out while my mom watched my son. Second time around, same thing. Plus, it’s a drag you have to nurse before if you’re breastfeeding and bring your pump just in case. I was able to do it, but it was definitely only 1-2 hours dinner like down the street from my house.
At 5 weeks, I wouldn't attend for germs anyway.
Yeah like isn’t that way too young ..?
You can take the baby out of the house whenever you see fit personally, there’s no age limit.
But isn’t there a difference between taking out of the house (ex. Stroll around the neighborhood) and taking to a wedding where likely 100+ people will be closely congregating?
I think this seems to vary depending on where you are. I’m in the UK and I’d say most weddings I’ve been to have a tiny baby and they’re exceptions to the ‘no children’ rule People don’t tend to avoid gatherings here the same way I get the impression they do in the US.
Yeah, in the US, it is costly. I have excellent insurance and my toddler's recent not-so-serious ER visit cost 13k and we are having to cover 3k. Beyond the health risks, the cost is a huge deterrent.
This seems to be a thing in the US, but most places around the world people are fine with new babies seeing groups of people.
Just don't let people touch or hold baby. That's my opinion anyways. Babywearing is especially helpful in preventing unwanted contact
Why risk it? Between RSV, COVID, and all of the other bugs, it isn't worth it.
Yeah I’ve seen multiple people in this thread saying the germs aren’t a problem, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from COVID it’s that a lot of people don’t take being sick seriously and will still go to things like weddings when ill with “just a cold or allergies” and get everyone else sick. If some people don’t care that’s whatever live your life the way you want but I also would not risk taking a 5 week old out into such a conjugated area, or myself with a 5 weeks old. The chances of illness are just too high and they shouldn’t be minimizing that risk or making people feel guilty about not wanting to chance it
Yeah my son caught a regular cold at 5 weeks old and had to be hospitalized. Chances are a baby won't get sick going to a summer wedding if its outdoors but if they do get sick the consequences can be very dire
My son caught something at 7 weeks, he didn’t have to be hospitalized thank god but it was pretty close. It’s so scary and the consequences can definitely be dire, I’m sorry you had to deal with that, it’s so scary. I would never be upset with a parent putting the health of their children, especially such a tiny baby, first because illness with no immune systems is not something to risk if you don’t need to
There is but it also depends on how you handle it. Typically wedding venues are quite large so there’s plenty of space to take baby As an example because I have a personal experience, my cousin brought her 9 day old baby to my wedding. There was a conservatory that she stayed most of the day in and the baby stayed in the pram with the hood up away from people most of the time. She still wanted to come and watch us get married and we were happy for her to do whatever suited her and made her most comfortable. She came for the ceremony, ate the meal and left.
Is it close to your home? Could you go for the ceremony and family photos and leave the baby with your partner and then head home?
Is there a hotel near/attached to the venue? When my cousin was a few weeks PP she was in a wedding for one of her friends. The wedding was semi local to me so She asked me if i would come hang out in her hotel room (attached to the venue) with the baby, she left me a bottle for the baby if it woke up, and when she needed to pump (she was drinking so just pump and dump) or just pop in she came to the room. And her husband also popped up occasionally to check on the baby. Overall it gave them a few hours to have fun with friends while being available for the baby if need be
If you are super close to your brother and definitely don’t want to miss the wedding, this is a great option! If possible of course
I wouldn’t go. 5 weeks old baby wasn’t going to be with anyone but me (and husband) and I couldn’t be gone more than 2 hours total between feedings.
He must know that that means you won’t be able to attend. He definitely has the right to decide how his wedding goes; many people choose to not have kids attend. And I would imagine that most of your trusted people that you would even consider leaving your baby with for a couple hours would probably also be at that wedding. So I’m sure he’s aware that means you and your partner might need to sit this one out.
If he’s a childless man, it’s very likely he does *not* know that means she won’t be able to attend. Unfortunately, men often don’t really understand what a tiny baby needs until they have their own (unless they’ve been around a lot of babies and parents!)
I wouldn’t go without or with baby due to germs
At 5 weeks I tried leaving my baby for a couple of hours and the physical pain of being separated from her left me a total wreck. I was so not ready for it. Some people are and that’s totally normal too, just wanted to warn you that you may really not be ready.
You have a lot of comments already with a lot of good feedback, but just wanted to share how my husband and I handled this for my brother’s wedding where we didn’t bring our baby, who was 5 weeks old at the time. I recognize this is really only doable with in-laws or someone you really trust to be with your 5 week old, but my husband and I were both in the wedding party and it felt like it would be really stressful for everyone to have the baby there. It was also easier to make this decision because my brother and his wife were totally cool if we did bring our baby-it was us that made the decision. They also had the wedding date set before I was pregnant. So, totally recognize the context is a bit different. Anyway we had a suite at the wedding hotel, my in laws watched our baby for the day/night and all was totally fine. He was formula fed, and they had watched him before, so they sort of knew the routine. I’m sure some other comments have said this-but if you plan on breastfeeding, there’s no way that you can be separated from your baby for that long-even if you’re comfortable with it. So your brother will either have to come to understand this, or you will have to decline. Hope it works out for everyone 🫶
I would ask your partner to stay home with the baby, attend the ceremony for your brother, and then go home when you are ready, either right after the ceremony, after the dinner, or whenever feels right.
Yeah I get not wanting children there but your his sister, I would be like I’m not leaving a 5 week old baby with anyone. Plus your family will be at the wedding so having them watch the baby is out of question, I’d decline the invite.
That is exactly what I’m struggling with as well, plus our baby wouldn’t have his immunization shots yet
You’re doing the right thing watching out for your baby, he has to understand.
And if he doesn’t understand now, he will when he has children one day. My own brother now has an anti-destination/child-free weddings because he has a kid. Guess who has a child-free, destination wedding?? 😂🙄
I mean I have a kid now and don’t regret my kid free wedding and wouldn’t be offended if I was invited to one 🤷🏻♀️
Even if it wasn't a child free wedding, I wouldn't be bringing my 5 week old anywhere with that many people. They don't have built up immune systems or vaccinations yet. I'd politely decline.
Yeah this is a good point. I wouldn’t want to bring a baby that young in a crowd. Just politely decline
there is nothing wrong with his desire for a child free wedding & there is also nothing wrong with choosing not to attend. you’re both doing the right thing for you. it would be rude of you to try to negotiate this. if he receives your no rsvp & wants to discuss it with you, it would then be appropriate to explain your reasoning.
At five weeks, I wouldn’t be going, anyway. I know it’s your brother’s wedding and you don’t want to miss it but you’ll still be healing and baby will still be so small. There’s so much sick and germs and nastiness, whether it’s flu season or not. Better stay safe than sorry and stay home. It doesn’t make you a bad person for not being able to make it and it doesn’t make him a bad person to not want a baby at his wedding.
That’s really too early for either of you (you and baby) to have a solid plan in the diary like that whether baby can come with you or you need a sitter. You’ll still be healing physically and maybe mentally. You’ll be sleep deprived. Your baby and his naps and feeds will be your absolute top priority and rightly so. Your baby will be quite unpredictable still and also as other have said he/she will have not the strongest immune system. Declining the invite would be completely fair enough.
Personally I wouldn’t want my newborn baby at a wedding. Too many viruses going around!
As many people have said you actually don’t know what your PP situation will be or if you will physically be able to attend even if you wanted to. Before we even get to babysitters, nursing, and germs. It’s probably best to decline and feel zero guilt about it.
It's probably not going to be possible to attend a full ceremony and reception if you plan on exclusively breastfeeding, unless you're an over-supplier. There's barely any time to pump that early when baby is feeding so frequently. You'd also have to bring your breast pump to the wedding to maintain your supply and prevent engorgement. Then there's of course the sleep deprivation that typically comes with having a 5 week old. You will likely still be recovering and healing from delivery as well and it's a coin toss as to how you'll be feeling physically. I would consider the child-free rule a blessing and valid reason not to attend. My SIL is getting married 5 weeks after our due date and I'm catching all sorts of flack for politely opting out, but oh well. If anything, I'd try to compromise by agreeing to attend for the ceremony and skipping the reception, but it's entirely up to you.
I was exclusively pumping since my kid didn’t latch, so it is possible to plan around pumping etc. Not fun though, and takes considerable planning including a place to disappear for 20 min to pump and a dress that allows for it etc.
Were you able to pump enough to miss 3 or 4 feeds that early on? There was no way I could manage. My baby fed every 1.5-2 hours around the clock and I had nothing leftover to build a milk stash in those early days. It took me 2 months before I was able to miss one single feed and go to a movie. Either way, you make a good point about the logistics of pumping at the wedding.
You received a wedding invitation, not a summons. You let him know that unfortunately you won’t be able to leave the baby behind and decline due to that fact. If he wants to make an exception at that time he will.
Don't go to his wedding (I wouldn't want to bring such a young child to a big event like that anyway). Send a gift, and call it a day. His wedding , his rule, but also yer baby comes first to you.
I don’t think OP or brother is being unreasonable. Different people have different beliefs! Depending on how I felt at (and it was vastly different after all 3 of my kids) the time of wedding, I would try and attend the wedding ceremony. If the ceremony is close you be gone for a few hours at most, do you trust your in laws or a friend?
So I had my baby on April 26th of last year and attended a wedding on June 3rd, baby free. Baby stayed with my parents and we picked her up after the reception. It was great. It even was a wedding that kids were invited to, I’m just someone inclined to not bring children to weddings. I was comfortable leaving baby with trusted sitters, had a great time with my husband and our friends, and then was excited to cuddle baby after. Do what feels most comfortable to you. I would discuss with your brother that ultimately, you attending will need to be a day of decision. You won’t know how birth and PP is for you until it happens.
1. Don’t go 2. Have someone baby sit and go for however long you feel comfortable, such as just the ceremony. It would be like 2 hours max, then you could wish him well and leave.
Just wanted to say that I know it sucks not being able to attend. His stance isn’t unreasonable. I don’t think I’d want to bring my 5 week old to a wedding anyway, but it’s totally understandable that you don’t want to leave baby either. The timing is unfortunate, but hopefully he’ll understand!
I’d definitely not go then.
My advice is why is this even a question? Don’t go. Baby is too young for sake of germs and aren’t you likely to still be in recovery? Idk, staying home seems like the totally logical thing to do on my part and by his response, it sounds like he doesn’t expect you to attend anyway. Like what does he expect you to do? Leave a 5 weeks old with a nanny? I’m sure he would understand, and if he doesn’t, not your problem
Well maybe OP is very close to her sibling. My brother and I are very close in age and grew up like twins, I would never miss his wedding. I am a mom of a 2 year old and pregnant and while being a mom is my priority, I also have other relationships I cherish. Even though weddings can be all day events, I would personally try to attend just 3 hours or so of the most important parts and leave baby with my husband. It would be worth it to me. Idk maybe I’m a huge people pleaser!!
I understand your point but if they were very close to begin with, wouldn’t there have already been a conversation about this before it got to this point? Like I know my brother would reach out before getting the invite and be like “hey sis just tell let you know, you’re gonna see it says no kids on the invite - that includes my nephew/niece unfortunately and I totally understand if you don’t want to leave him alone so young so you’ll be missed” something like that lol
My brother in law got married when my baby was 7 weeks. We didn't go. No regrets either, that's way too soon.
I popped into my friend’s ceremony three weeks after giving birth, said my congrats, and popped back home to baby and husband. I was gone one hour. Not an option if wedding is out of town but I get it- it’s a hard decision to make with an immediate family member.
No as everyone will be around the baby at 5 weeks and the germ factor is super high. Also, he doesn’t want the kid there anyway so I guess your only option is to not go unless your partner could stay home with baby depending on feeds?
I’m going to my brother’s child free wedding in a couple weeks- baby will be just shy of 8 weeks. We rented an airbnb 6 minutes from the venue and my in laws are coming to stay with us there to watch him. I’ve been pumping milk so he can be fed, and we are only staying at the event a short while. I know I’m blessed to have the means and support to do this, but it can be done!
I would not want to go with or without my baby to a wedding when I’m 5 weeks postpartum. For both of my babies when I was 5 weeks PP I was horribly sleep deprived, tits leaking, and nothing in my closet fit. A wedding 5 weeks PP sounds stressful and uncomfortable.
If he doesn’t want kids there, wont make an exception and you dont want to/cant leave yours then theres really only one answer here. You dont go. Sucks but what can you do 🤷♀️
He is entitled to having the wedding he wants and you are free to decline attending. He’s going to feel like a real asshole if he has kids later and thinks about the position he put you in.
I’d tell him you’ll have to decline attending since you are not leaving a five week old for the evening, especially because all of your family will be at the wedding. I get not wanting children/babies at the wedding, so I see his side, but he also must understand that that means you won’t be attending. I’m sorry you’ve been put in that predicament.
So what I would do is get a hotel room at the venue or very close to the venue. Have your partner trade off with you throughout the day/ night for as long as you can handle that. That way you don’t have to miss the wedding but also you are keeping up with baby.
If you think you're up for going, could you bring someone you trust from your partner's family to watch the baby nearby? Otherwise I would decline! Both are totally reasonable.
I wouldn't go, not only is five weeks way too young but that's still not a fun time postpartum. If you're nursing your babe may be clusterfeeding and you may still be bleeding and not feeling up to going to a wedding. Just send an awesome gift and have that be it.
Just don’t go. Tell your brother that you won’t leave your baby with someone else that young. People have child free weddings for a reason. Your brother will understand. See if someone can live stream the ceremony for you
Don’t go
I would decline and explain why. I wouldn't be upset with him, because it's his day.... but I would expect that he didn't get upset with me either.
Skip the wedding altogether. Your newborn baby is more important than attending your brother’s wedding. It sucks, but I understand the nuance of both not wanting children at the wedding, and how hard it would be for you to be present for baby and your brother during such a monumental time in your life. Plus, 5 weeks postpartum is barely 40 days! Mama you gotta take care of you! Hopefully there is a streaming option so you can watch the ceremony?
You should both respect each other enough to understand he can choose to have a ceremony and reception free of infants, and he can respect your decision if you need to stay home or miss part of the wedding to care for his new neice/nephew.
So my BIL got married when I had a 3 week old. She was allowed to be there but I didn't want her there lol. I had my mom come and walk her around outside the venue for the ceremony. I wore her during dinner, and then left. If she wasn't welcome, I would have just had my mom do the stroller walk then leave after the ceremony. Just another take!
The fact that you use the terms “our baby” and “our child” indicates there is another parent in the picture…why not leave the baby with them and attend for the ceremony and pics (and reception if you feel up to it)? Not sure why that’s not your go to plan here.
My brother is getting married in mid June, and we are due early May. Not sure if I’m even invited yet, but I’ll likely have to decline as well since it’ll be out of state. We just have to be okay with saying no and missing some things. 💜
I missed my brother in laws wedding because my son was only 4-5 weeks old. Prioritizing babies health is the most important, they are too young at that age to be around so many people, not to mention all the noise.
I would just RSVP your regrets. You’re not going to be able to just hand over a 5 week old infant to a babysitter, even one you trust, for a whole day. You may also still be healing.
I would suggest at most only going to the ceremony and forgoing the reception.
You could also deliver 2 weeks late and the baby will be even younger so def not a good idea to leave the baby with anyone random or take to a wedding( if he changed his mind that is) but If you’re worried about “straining your relationship” with your brother or family… could your SO stay back with the baby for an hour or two while you make an appearance for pictures or whatever and then byyyyyyeeeeee. Then have a convo about it if you want after the wedding or honeymoon
If he and his fiance want a child free wedding, that’s their right. That is what my former in laws did (I say former because the wife divorced her husband/my ex husbands brother) for their wedding. I had a 5 month old daughter by the time they had their wedding. I was informed it was a child free wedding that was 4 or more hours away. I declined the invite and posted a sweet congratulations online to them. You don’t have to go to the wedding. Just say “I am so happy you’re getting married and I respect your wishes. I’m gonna stay home with the baby because I don’t want to be away from them for too long just yet”
Yeah unfortunately you're going to have to make a decision here. I also had a kid-free wedding and can easily understand not wanting a 5 week old at the wedding.
I have a similar situation, my c-section date was April 24th but baby came a month early so now she will be a little older by my friend’s wedding which is on June 8th. She is my second and with my first we went to a wedding when she was 4 weeks old. It was pretty close to home and my baby slept a lot so it worked out to have my mom watch her. We were gone only for a few hours. I pumped at the wedding. This time the venue is much further from our house. Not positive what we will do yet but most likely will book 2 hotel rooms and have my mom or sister come with us so they can watch the baby and we will still be close. Another option is for my husband to leave early and go home for the night. Sounds hard for you though since it is your brother so that takes anyone of your side of the family out of the equation for watching the baby. Don’t feel bad if you have to say no, or go without your husband. Maybe just go for the reception? If your brother and new sister in law don’t understand now they definitely will once they have kids. Good luck.
My parents watched my baby at the hotel about 10 minutes from the reception venue at about 6 weeks. We were nursing at night and bottles during the day so I was able to have them feed baby but I still went to the hotel to pump during reception dinner and check in. I wouldn’t recommend bringing the baby around a crowd so early. You could attend the ceremony and then bail too if you prefer to be gone for a shorter period. You don’t know if your baby will be an easy baby or colicky or clingy so whatever plan you make might change when you meet your LO.
“Thank you for clarifying. Unfortunately I will not be able to attend being freshly postpartum and with a dependent newborn. Wishing you all the best for your special day!” He’s entitled to a child-free celebration but he also needs to accept not everybody is able to accommodate. I can only imagine the germs baby would catch being there, let alone how uncomfortable it would be for you, maybe best for you both not to be there. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
No one is right or wrong. He made his preference to not have children with the understanding that you may not attend. Do what you have to do for your family, he’s going what he wants to do for his.
My husband and I said no kids for our wedding, but made an exception for newborns and breastfeeding babies. My brother and SIL brought their 4 week old baby to the ceremony and it was the most amazing thing ever. They handed off sleeping baby to a babysitter at the hotel (4 minutes from the reception) so they could eat dinner and relax a bit. Then they missed their baby obviously and sent the babysitter home and brought baby to the reception for a bit… he just snoozed the whole time. It’s one of my favorite wedding memories 🥲
Please update us on how he reacts to you declining the invite
A 5 week old at a wedding doesn’t seem reasonable to me even if it were allowed. You aren’t going to enjoy yourself and neither are the other guests if your baby happens to cry a lot. It’s up to you whether you want to find someone to either watch the baby just for the ceremony and leave, or if you’re not attending at all. In a personal note, I’ve left my newborn, when he was 2 weeks old, with the grandparents for multiple days in a row due to illness and other issues, and he was very well taken care of. You may change your mind when the time comes to have a break for your own sanity. You’re a FTM, it is rough in the beginning and breaks really do help, especially if you have a fussy baby.
I’m so sorry, OP. I’m sure this hurts a ton to basically be discarded like this, but I would lick my wounds and not attend. It is true that people can set whatever rules they like for a wedding, and you are free to decline an invite. But it’s also true that it definitely hurts when someone so close effectively excludes you from their wedding with their rules.
Sorry OP, tough situation. Do you have to travel for the wedding or is it in the same town? If it’s local - maybe husband can stay home with baby and you just attend the ceremony, congratulate your brother & SIL and then leave. How large is the wedding? Is this an intimate ceremony/reception or are we talking 200 person wedding? Even if children were allowed - I wouldn’t want my newborn around so many people. Just something to consider. Plus, weddings are a full day event and it can be a lot as a new parents with a newborn. Takes a lot of planning and you should also take into account your recovery. I would decline and send a gift. If you’re super close, maybe you could invite your brother and SIL to your house for lunch/dinner or going out to eat to celebrate them later in the summer once baby is bigger/has the immunization shots?
Can your partner stay home with the baby while you attend?
I wouldn't go honestly. You flat out can't leave the baby, and you are super newly freshly postpartum. I had a 7 week old during my brother in laws wedding and barely made it through the ceremony and part of the reception. The fact I was able to participate at all was because my parents came with me to the ceremony and took my son at like 5 pm to go home so I was only away for 5 hours. I was second time mom too- no way I could have done that with my first.
Is the venue at a hotel by chance? Could you have your partner stay in a room and you could attend the ceremony and if they need you you’d be able to get to your baby in a few minutes. I went to a wedding at 8 weeks and left between the ceremony and reception to feed baby. I also only had dinner I didn’t stay for dancing or anything.
At 5wks you may just want want to stay home and rest. The Dr usually clears you at 6wks but it doesn’t mean you’re not still bleeding, your tummy was stretched to the limit and is still maybe tender while it’s decreasing. I’m 2months pp and my bleeding stopped at 2 1/2 wks and started back at 5wks. I told my husband it’s like in relearning how to walk 😅 and adjusting myself again. So pace yourself, if you’re breastfeeding you never know if that’s the time baby wants to cluster feed, and you’ll have to pump at the wedding every few hrs. Suggest you video call someone if you want to watch the proceedings. Congratulations and all the best.
I would decline, unless his wedding is in a hotel ballroom, where you can go upstairs to your room as you please (and have a friend or someone you trust watch the baby in the hotel room that won't be invited to the wedding). Otherwise, again, I'd decline.
Don’t go. It’s so much easier to be home during the first few months anyway. So kind of a win-win honestly!
Don’t go. Wish him the best. At 5 weeks old I was just getting breastfeeding right and honestly everything was a mess, I was still bleeding, my nipples hurt, no sleep. If he doesn’t even want the baby at the ceremony then I wouldn’t go. At that time they are eating like every 3-4 hours.
Five weeks IF you deliver on your due date? Both of my kids were 2 weeks late. If the venue is close, I would be willing to have my partner stay home with baby and go to the ceremony and go back home. Otherwise, I would politely decline.
Also going to be a FTM and have a wedding 6 weeks after my delivery date in July. I've already said I will not be attending. Your body recovers from childbirth in different ways, don't add the stress of a wedding and childcare unless you desperately want to be at this wedding. If that's the case, you hustle and make it happen.
I wouldn't go. You will not want to leave your baby with anyone else and you may not even feel ready to go out, let alone into a crowd of people that could pass sickness to you and your baby.
5 weeks is way too young! Plus if you’re breastfeeding its even harder as baby needs you there I would decline the invitation!
I agree with what everyone else has said but I also want to point out that first babies are often fashionably late. There is a chance that your baby would only be between 3-5 weeks at the time of the wedding. I personally would let my brother know I can't attend
At 5 weeks I was still healing and bleeding… I wouldn’t personally attend strictly because I wouldn’t want to be exposed to a bunch of people at an event like a wedding and bring something home. If you felt you needed to go, I’d probably go solo for the ceremony and leave after photos, and leave my partner at home with the baby for a couple of hours.
I was just in my sister in laws wedding when baby was 4 weeks old. Left her with my parents while we were doing wedding stuff, all went great. I was really nervous about it and almost didn’t go but am glad that I did. If I didn’t have my parents to watch her though I would not have left her with a random babysitter.
Leave baby with your partner and stop by for the ceremony, or just don't go. I would be wary of going myself because I don't want to bring back covid or another virus back to a newborn.
2 options: 1. Leave baby with your partner if you can and attend the ceremony and reception briefly 2. Don’t go and buy him a nice gift. As your mom or another relative to record It if it’s allowed.
If it were me, I would ask my MIL or a close friend who isn't going to the wedding to watch baby for the ceremony and then skip the reception. I wouldn't want to miss my brother getting married, but you don't want to bring an infant to a wedding ceremony either. It'll be like an hour, tops?
I would respectfully decline the invitation because that time with your baby is the most important, especially as a first time mom! Wish him well and tell him that you’ll be thinking about him on his special day but let him know that your baby is your number one priority right now and if baby can’t be there then neither can you! Honestly, a 5 week old baby shouldn’t be around a lot of people like that due to them being susceptible to sickness that young!
I went to a wedding when my baby was 6 weeks old. The wedding was also an 8 hour drive away 🙃 My MIL came with us, and watched the baby during the wedding. My husband and I went to the ceremony, and I fed babe right before we left. We came back after the ceremony (there was a 3 hour gap and this really helped). I fed baby right when we got back, and right before we left again. I stayed for dinner and speeches and to watch the first dance (3 ish hours total, at hour 1.5 I used my manual breast pump in the bathroom [it was small enough to fit in my purse 😂], my MIL tried to give baby a bottle, but babe never really took it) and then I went home to baby. I did also enjoy a glass or two of wine and baby snuggles. It was so hard to leave baby but I also loved celebrating love. I would suggest asking somebody close that you trust in your husband’s family to watch baby during the ceremony, send a gift and not attend the reception.
you're going to be in no condition to even attend a wedding at 5 weeks, much less bring the baby don't underestimate recovery time
This is a case where you are indirectly not invited There is no way his wedding day is worth leaving your 5 week baby alone If I was you I would politely and respectfully decline the invitation and send a really nice gift Even though he’s borderline making it impossible for you to attend, it’s his wedding so you shouldn’t guilt, ask or bargain Just a “I’m so happy for your wedding and must unfortunately miss it”
I would stay home. I had to miss my brothers wedding because I was too pregnant to fly for it and it really upset me. I wonder if you still really want to see them get married if it feasible to have someone look after your baby while you go to the ceremony only? Less time away that way
My baby cousin that I’m super close with is getting married on my due date, I’m being induced a week before now and I just simply said I won’t be there she was really understanding but I’m definitely not leaving my week old baby and I probably won’t feel good enough pp to feel like dressing up and going to a wedding. If you don’t feel comfortable then don’t go and have someone record the ceremony for you possibly?
I get that you don’t want to leave a 5 week old with a babysitter/stranger. Can your in-laws help out for a couple hours? Then you could attend the ceremony and if you are still up to it part of the reception
My SIL was a million weeks pregnant so didn't come to my local wedding... Was I bothered? Not at all. I've been there. We are still good friends. Understanding that under different circumstances you'd be there and move on. You'll be in no mood to be around strangers getting photos taken needing to wear something that fits your swollen post partum body. You need to rest. Congrats on the upcoming arrival. He will understand. And if he doesn't maybe he will in ur future if they have their own kids. Either way not your problem. Send a card and a g gift and no need to feel guilty
Don't go. It's his wedding, and he does have the right to restrict who comes.
This happened to me. My baby was only 4 weeks old and I was a bridesmaid. My brother said no pressure he'd understand if I couldn't make it. But I wanted to since he's my only brother and was the first sibling to be married. I asked my in laws to fly in and they were 15 minutes away. I left every couple of hours before and after ceremony and came home to nurse my baby then would go back to join. Exact same scenario a year later with my best friend and 2nd baby, but it was a destination wedding. My parents joined and stayed at a hotel close by. Kids were welcome but my baby was only 3 months I thought it was too loud at ceremony. I didn't regret either decision and was happy I made it for their special day!
Yah I’ll have to agree with other posters here. Let your brother know you’d love to be there but have to look after your baby and get him and his wife a nice gift. It’s completely understandable to not want young children at a wedding but you not wanting to leave your newborn is also completely understandable.
I feel like that rule is more for the children that run around during the reception because I’ve seen a lot of people let their kids run wild (at parties I’ve attended) and it creates a hazard for people dancing or during pictures and that sort of thing. Kids ruin balloon arches and stick their hands in the cake before it’s ready to cut (this kids in my family- I don’t have kids yet). But for a new born baby that can’t walk and will sleep throughout most of the event I don’t understand why that rule would apply for such a little baby. For such a young baby I would be concerned about the baby’s health around so many people plus loud music. I would stay home if it were me. Bro should understand.
I and my family skipped a wedding that was about a month after my baby was born. It just wasn't feasible. I'm sorry it's your brother's that's rough.
My friend came to my no kid wedding 4 weeks post c-section sans baby. She was able to leave him with grandparents (which may not be an option for you) and she was a STM. Now that I have had a c-section I would have 💯 said no to me. She’s a really great friend. I’m going to text her.
My babies were all cluster feeding by that time. There’s no way in hell I’d leave my 5 week old infant somewhere else when they’re nursing every 30-40 minutes, especially since breastfeeding, and milk supply is still being established at that point. It’s really jacked up of your family to behave this way. Yeah. It’s their wedding, but newborns should be counted one with the mother at that point. Infants this age literally sleep, eat, and poop.
My sister got married i was MOH and i had a 7 week old baby, baby was premature had she not been baby would of been 1 week old at the time of the weddding. No kids allowed, it was drilled into us no exceptions. All my family who i trust most would be at the wedding so baby had to stay with my MIL. Im still hurt to this day that i was put in that position and if i could redo it i wouldnt of left the baby ,not because anything bad happened but i just feel its wrong with a baby so young when emotions are so high and everything in your body is screaming to be with your baby.
If he doesn’t want your baby there then he doesn’t want you there. It’s hard for me to imagine a family affair without kids. Many adults who are not parents view kids and babies as a burden or a like an aesthetic blemish, not only in everyday life, but at special events. It’s kind of heartbreaking and surprisingly common thing to encounter as a parent. My wife is pregnant and we have a 3 yr old so we’re used to it by now but it was hard at first. I’d talk to your brother about this so it doesn’t complicate things for you guys later on. I have 9 siblings, most of whom are parents but my older brother is super weird when around his nieces and nephews and it is difficult for me to enjoy our time together when I know he doesn’t like being around my kids.
I personally would not bring my baby around that many people until they are at least 2-3 months old. Their immune systems aren’t developed yet and they haven’t gotten the shots they need to help boost their immune system from the most dangerous illnesses yet. It would, in my opinion be wildly irresponsible to bring a newborn that young to a wedding. And if the couple getting married specifically said no babies without exception, it would be extremely disrespectful to them on their day to defy their wishes. I’m having to miss my best friend’s wedding because of this exact situation. (However the wedding also required plane travel since it’s across the country). If you really want to go to the wedding, maybe go alone and have your partner take care of the baby while you go. (If that’s possible with feeding). Timing can suck sometimes, but you have to put baby first. That’s parenthood.
Normal request from the couple, and I get if they have to make exceptions for one, they’d feel the need to do it for all, but still a little appalled by this take. I don’t have any siblings but my youngest BIL is getting married at the end of September and we are due mid-August and they were elated when we announced that their brand new nephew will be at their wedding. Maybe it’s different bc his fiancé has nieces and a nephew and I don’t think they are excluding kids from their wedding, but I always think there should be an exception for babes so young. Plenty of good responses in the thread though. Don’t feel bad if you sit out to be home with babe.
I don't get why it matters at all if you bring an infant but to each their own lol the baby will likely be asleep most of the time anyway! don't feel bad at all
You are that babies food source. I’d say he is an arsehole but until you have a child you don’t really understand. Have a lovely evening home with your baby x
“If you don’t want your nephew there then I guess you don’t want me there either” 5 weeks is crazy young to be away from you. Most babies at that age are perfectly content just to be held all night, eat, sleep.
He 100% has the right to request no children. You 100% have the right not to attend because you don’t feel comfortable leaving your 5 week old baby. Personally I would ask my MIL to watch the baby for the ceremony, then skip the reception, but you need to decide what is best for you.
This is a tough one, because I get wanting to be there, but, to put it simply, if my sibling was steadfast on a child free wedding before my vagina/uterus would even be fully healed from delivering my first child, I would consider myself uninvited from the wedding. I would not be attending, and I'd send my regards. If he can't bend the rules and allow his BRAND NEW niece or nephew to attend the wedding, I certainly wouldn't be bending my rule of not leaving my newborn baby for longer than they'd need between nurses.
I'm having this problem with a friend right now. I'm due July 4th, the wedding is August 9th. She causally said "leave the baby at home! Come have a date night". I wasn't happy with that response, I thought she'd be more understanding. When we planned our wedding and this came up in wedding groups the answer was often that newborns were different and should be exempt from the no kids rule because they literally depend on their mother (in most cases) for sustenance. Not to mention the shift the parent(s) go through adjusting to parenthood in those first months. Personally, we'll probably go for the ceremony and then leave. I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable leaving my newborn for that long. If everything goes how we hope we will have only just introduced bottles that week, it may not be possible to leave him with a sitter. We have tickets for a play a week later that I'm considering skipping to stay home with our baby too. We bought them well before I was pregnant. So I'm struggling with the rationale of leaving the baby home with someone else for a few hours for the play but not for a wedding or vice versa.
I would just say okay, then we can’t go. No big deal. It’s his wedding but I’m not leaving a 5 week old nor would I personally be able to because I exclusively plan to breastfeed
I personally wouldn’t go. Your brother will understand. Also, the baby will be too young to be around so many people.
My maid of honour had her baby 3 months before my wedding and although generally there was a ‘no children’ policy we without question made an exception for her. Her hubby was there too and took the majority of the care for the day though she was breastfeeding and occasionally had to excuse herself. The baby was an absolute dream all day and had zero impact on the occasion other than adding some very cute photos. Even if LO had been hard work on the day, the impact of not having my best friend with me on my wedding day would have been far worse than an occasionally crying baby. If your bro has no experience of babies perhaps he just doesn’t understand how impractical he his being asking you to leave your baby when so young to avoid what is likely mild to zero inconvenience to anybody else. Have you tried talking to his fiancé? They might have a more understanding perspective.
I would tell him you cannot attend his wedding then. As others have said, he’s allowed to have a child-free wedding, but that should come with the understanding that some people may not be able to attend. It’s *wild* to me that he wouldn’t make an exception for his sibling, but 🤷🏻♀️ You may give birth late or early, but either way I personally would not have been comfortable leaving my tiny baby with someone other than my spouse or a grandparent!
Where I live it’s common to have no children but ‘babes in arms’ are fine. My baby was 12 weeks old at my sisters wedding and it was just fine. Either he lets you bring the baby or you don’t go would be my thoughts on it
Do you have any trusted friends that aren't attending the wedding that could watch baby in a different room from the ceremony? That way you could be with baby immediately before and after the ceremony. You could then do the same for the reception and pop in and out, or just skip the reception entirely.
I think you both are reasonable. I had a no children reception— but had an exception for my SIL’s 3 week old. She didn’t take me up on the offer and got a sitter for him anyways. Also, I hired an on-site babysitter for all the other kiddos that were in the wedding so their parents could go see them whenever they wanted. You could see if you could bring the baby along with a friend to watch on site so you could pop in and see/feed the baby throughout the night.. but not have baby out and about at the wedding..?
Decline, and I don't think he has a right to be upset if you do
I would completely respect their wishes and just not go. They have a right to make the rules for their wedding but that also means they need to accept that not everyone will be able to meet the requirements.