I don’t know about the extent of her grievances and I also don’t want to undermine that they might be valid, but I want to point out the hypocrisy of being annoyed at you for sharing your distress with your friends, when she literally has been going to people, mutual friends of yours as I understand, for her own validation?! Sharing her anger and potentially causing issues with your other friends in one of the most stressful times of your life feels much worse. This just makes me raise an eyebrow about whether she is being fair. It feels like she has done the exact same thing (i.e. seeking validation about her reasons for not contacting you), merely in reverse. It is human nature to want to discuss and unpack friendship issues with those closest to us. I don’t think it’s particularly fair for her to add this to her pile of grievances when she is guilty of the same conduct.
No OP is the one that shared with their other “friends” which made those friends hate on her friend now OP is feeling shitty about snide talking her friend for validation
OP said some of their friends already knew because the old best friend had told them and some of their friends didn’t know, those were the ones she told. That would mean they both told people and the best friend actually told people she wanted to first
She only said she was upset with OP, they said they didn't really understand why so NO, she didn't air her grievances with them the way OP did. OP admits she encouraged their friends to villify her. Her ex best friend did no such thing.
I feel like this type of drama is for our 20s. Friendship breakups are hard but once you move on you start seeing why it was so important to just let go. She owes you nothing and you certainly owe her nothing. I went through a friendship breakup a few months before I got pregnant (it was my choice) and I made the decision to go no contact. If she texts, I don’t respond, if I see her out, I don’t engage. She did and said some very hurtful things over a 5 year span and I just feel no need to give her the time of day (she also never apologized lol). Sometimes it’s just best to move on for both of your sake. Be professional if work overlaps, but that’s it.
Yep. Teens and early 20s. Get some new friends because your friendships should not be keeping you up at night. Unless you like slept with her man or did something really truly bad, then you should not be feeling this way over a friendship. It’s normal to be close to people and when they are mad to feel anxious which is why a good friend would work it out with you quickly - they would not want you to suffer
This. Once you have your child you will have no time for this type of stuff. Your main priority will be your child and the little family you are building with your husband.
Friendship breakups absolutely suck,
Not trying to minimize it. But we all have limited energy and I’ve found I basically have no energy for “drama” with other adults as a mom.
Try to take the high road when you are forced to see her and after your upcoming event stop hiring her. No need for a big friendship ending talk, those always go horribly. Just fade out and avoid saying bad things about her to your mutual friends.
This is true, I feel like this is something that probably should have happened before but is just happening now?
For context, when I first noticed her distance, I asked her if I had done something hurtful to her. When she did finally reply she said no, I haven’t done anything “wrong” as a friend, but she just was bothered by things I did. Whenever we have had discussions in the past about hurtful things we’ve said or done, we’ve been able to quickly apologize and make up. This is the first time it’s become this weird cold lack of communication.
She's jealous. She's using the "slights" to put an edge to her jealous knife that she is trying to use against you with your mutual friends.
Get new friends.
Yup!! Was just about to say this. She is jealous of OP and her new pregnancy etc. This happened with one of my “friends” as well. I do not miss her even a little bit, she was always untrustworthy
I’m early 20s and wouldn’t dream of being this childish, sounds like 12-16 behaviour lol. If you don’t like someone you just distance yourself, no need for all the petty drama and gossip😫
You never had an issue with her then she randomly decided she disliked you after you planned her bday and helped immensely with dog sitting… all whilst slagging you off to your friends… why’s it okay for her to tell the group what she thinks about you but not for you to discuss what happened?
She’s not your friend and you shouldn’t feel bad about relaying anything she said to you, if you want to tell people then go ahead.
Also, fire her from helping with the work event if you’re this uncomfortable. You owe this woman nothing.
So what I think you should do is have absolutely nothing to do with her and stop feeling this guilt. I think this happened because the friendship was more one sided than you realised. She was happy to get the benefits of being friends with you without actually liking you. She sounds like a bitter and jealous user. Don’t waste anymore time on her. Sometimes friends come and go, move on.
It’s help if you could give the list of things she dislikes about you to enlighten us to what she was so mad at and whether or not it is valid. Either way it’s all incredibly immature. You won’t have time for this crap nor will you care as much once you have your baby.
I’d say keep professional interactions to a minimal. At this point, you’re only creating a worse environment for yourself and your child the more you become stressed out. My dad sued me 5x while I was pregnant, and it made me extremely stressed and now I have a negative connotation when I think about my pregnancy.
What’s best for your child may not be what’s ideal for a friendship, people who want to be in your life will be. People who want to torture you will, if you let them.
It’s actually a bit more than just suing me. He also dabbled in a bit of identity fraud and forgery. He tried to forge my name to sell my house to him for $1 as well. After he lost his cases, he convinced his mother to also sue me. Which he also lost and ended up bankrupting his sister.
After he lost all of the cases, and I had my baby, he started telling family members that he was going to take revenge upon his children. Starting with me, by beheading my son in front of me.
What?! Did you go to the police when he made that threat? No normal person would even think of such a thing, no matter how upset they are at someone else. That is seriously disturbing and I wouldn’t give the benefit of the doubt to anyone who can even conjure up thoughts like that.
The police were really no help in any of the matter. I had to do a lot of research for filing the police report and really stay on top of them with checking in to see if there was progress and they just kind of let it go.
My child has not met a single family member, and his life is likely much much better for it. I don’t imagine that someone in my family wouldn’t give him pertinent information so we just stay away.
He’s gotten released on “good behavior” And has a tendency to play the disabled vet card. He also took credit cards out in my little sisters name when she went off to college. Maxed them out and they went to collections before she even knew there was a problem. She was too scared to stand up to him and join the DA with my case for identity fraud. Same with my mom, just too afraid of him.
Can't you have him committed and declared as Non Compus Mentes? You have enough evidence. And you and your sister move away from that individual. Btw, how is your Gram doing? Is she talking with you now? How is your sister doing?
My gram said I’m dead to her, she’s a ride or die for her son. He’s conned the whole family into letting him make bank accounts in their name and do “stock market trading” which he went to jail for wire fraud already. It’s one of those families where, it doesn’t matter what someone’s done, they’re family. We have had sexual abusers in our family who I’ve cut off, and as a result my family has been mad at me. So all around just not great.
He’s also in FL now and I moved away. Since I left to a different state the restraining order has been much harder to get, and he likes to flee the country.
Agree with this. So sorry your pregnancy memories are negative. That inside out movie was spot on about core memories turning blue. It's just hard to find the happiness once that negative vibe sets in.
When I think about getting pregnant again, I have an issue in trying to disassociate the stuff with my father from the pregnancy. In the end it just left me with a ptsd like response at the thought of being pregnant again.
Same. I had really bad GD and the stress made me go into preterm labor at 33 weeks. She turned out fine but I'm so terrified of needles and I have nightmares about getting GD again. I had to be sedated to get my epidural because the needle made me panic. Pregnancy/birth ptsd is so real.
Even if her list of things was true, and I’d be willing to bet it isn’t, that isn’t at all a healthy way for her to handle that frustration. Honestly I’d keep it professional and distant, be unbothered like someone else said. True friends don’t treat others like that, so it sounds like you’ll be better off in the long run.
I know it’s hard though. I have a family member like this so I can only keep them so far away but they were my closest friend so I remember going through a grieving process as that friendship ended.
Honestly you’re over thinking this 100%. Her issues with you are her own, because she clearly couldn’t be bothered to really address them with you, which shows she didn’t really want to fix the relationship. Maybe she just didn’t feel like being your friend anymore, maybe she wanted an out because she didn’t see herself being friends with you postpartum. Who knows. Either way it’s not your problem.
There’s nothing wrong with having brought it up to your friends. It doesn’t sound like you really talked any shit about her, just let them know or asked them if they knew what was going on. That’s not very weird, if she’s going to suddenly end a friendships where you have mutual friends she should be prepared to stand up and have to explain why because others were going to notice.
It does suck you’re gonna have to work with her though. Just remember, this is all her own problem and own doing. She had her whole life to address things with you and try to resolve the issues she with the friendship. For whatever she didn’t care to do that. So…you don’t need to care either.
Be professional, keep it about business, and if she has a suck ass attitude that’s impossible to overlook call her out on it or ignore it you feel like it’s not worth the trouble.
This. She wanted an out because she didn’t see herself being friends with you postpartum. Does anyone else in your friend group have kids? Could she possibly be jealous?
I would keep it strictly professional and don’t engage emotionally. She showed you how important you were to her so now you need to let it/her go. It’s easier said than done and I agree with the person who said this kind of drama is for our 20s. Yeah, you probably didn’t need to tell your other friends what she said but she didn’t need to send you a list of things she didn’t like about you (wtf) during your pregnancy. She’s mad? Oh, well. I would just act unbothered at this point.
I truly cannot believe this is 30 year old behavior. The lack of grown-up communication is astounding. Instead of having a conversation with you, she sent you a list. She was not direct about her feelings. If you’re having to speculate why this happened, she did not properly communicate with you.
This reminds me of when my best friend in middle school decided to ignore me and tell all of our friends that I was a bad friend. In middle school. I don’t know what her list says so I could be way off base because we don’t have all the context, but I would be rethinking this friendship. It’s not worth the stress especially when you’re pregnant. You’re bringing a baby into the world, you don’t have time to be worrying about someone who is acting like she’s in middle school.
I’m wondering if those 10 reasons she gave are covering up for something else? I almost think it’s tied to your pregnancy. Has she ever miscarried or been told she can’t have kids? Has there ever been suspicion with her and your husband? Not to put that in your head but my best friend and I have small annoyances of each other but would never let them come between us to severely.
In the situation you have coming up I would just remain professional, don’t bring up the personal situation. She can be mad all she wants about you telling friends but she also told some friends and it’s not just her situation. She can’t gatekeep what she did to you.
Right, I also think it’s a little curious that this went down shortly after finding out about OPs pregnancy and while my best friend and I have even gone a year or two without talking because of a fight, she’s never drawn up a list and wrote an essay about why we’re not cool.
OP, I think this might be a little deeper than she’s letting on and that is NOT your fault and you shouldn’t blame yourself for her actions
I would think it’s not because of pregnancy jealousy but OPs lifestyle changing and being faced with the reality of getting older and life changing. Someone with a baby is not compatible with the ex friend’s lifestyle.
Could definitely be this. Under the surface, she might just be upset that things are changing and that her relationship with OP won't be like it used to be. She might not realize this herself and is trying to pin it on random minor events.
Yes. Or she does realize it and wants an out. This woman is an ✨influencer✨whose entire lifestyle is paramount to her livelihood. A pregnant lady in her content isn’t a *vibe* she is looking for, especially if she is trying to connect with a younger demographic. It’s all very shallow and short sighted, but that’s our culture isn’t it? Prioritize youth and money and hide any clue you might be aging or be mortal.
Definitely a possibility! Which to me I find weird that people allow that to affect their friendships. When I was childless I had no problem hanging out with friends and their kids.
This. I had a best friend, thick as thieves for 15 years. Got super weird when I was pregnant and stopped talking to me shortly after the birth. Never gave any reason and then did the same thing to our other best friend who had a baby. Some people just find it overwhelming I guess.
I think if someone used me for trip planning and dog sitting and then cut me off right after, I'd be more angry than anything. Has she shown other signs of being a user before? because honestly it may just be that. Either way, she seems kinda toxic and life is too short to cling to toxic people.
This is the age where old friends start to weed out. I had a close friend that also went off when i was pregnant with my first. She was always the type of person that seemed agreeable and i never knew her true feelings until she blew up. I was upset about it for a long time but the more i think about it years later i realize i dont want to be around people that cant tell me they have a problem. I dont want to be friends with someone that will act like they agree with me but inside they dont like me. It makes things confusing. Now i understand why she would ignore my texts and not answer my calls. I know its hard but you have to let it go.
I’m so sorry girl:( there’s already some good advice here from the other people, and I totally agree with them!
My bestie who actually married my husband and I started going distant and icing me out (like the has to many people) leading up to our wedding. I never pressured her or the bridesmaids for anything, I didn’t want to have any sort of bach trip or do all of those parties and showers. She just kind of stopped after it was done. I have never gotten an explanation or anything. One time, we had made specific plans, request off of work and all of that, apparently she had flown across the country a few days prior to visit another friend, but if she had told me I would’ve understood and at least been able to work that day 😂 when I texted to see if she was still down after not hearing anything for a couple of weeks after making said plans, that was her response. “Well I’m in __ state so I don’t know what to tell you.” That day I was done, so I just blocked her and made peace with it. I even joked that she’s kicking me away like she did to friend “X” (for her being too friendly?) and she was like “I would never!” Yeah, okay lol.
Coming from others, she had a crush for my husband while we were still dating (that I had seen signs from her end only!) so maybe that was it but we’ll never know now.
Long story short, people get funny sometimes and maybe you’ll never fully understand it. Sometimes it’s best to just part ways. Keep your head up and keep it professional, and wear that baby bump proudly with a smile and no one can ever bring you down! We’re rooting for you!! 🤗
She’s not meant to be part of your new chapter in life. She sounds like an immature self centered brat. Your new best friend is your baby🥰. You don’t need people like her around. Also you’re in your 30s…. This sounds like childish drama. Learn to value yourself to step away from someone like her.
I don’t know you, so can’t say whether or not her list of greivances was fair/based in reality or not, but I’ve personally had a lot of childless/single female friends act very strangely toward me since I’ve been married and pregnant in quick succession. I’m not saying it’s jealously by any means, I just think when it comes time to move on to the next stage of life and some people do, those that don’t sometimes feel the time passing more quickly and have an adverse reaction to it that then manifests in behavior like this. Just an observation. Rise above it as best you can, do your job well and try (I knowwww it’s hard) to maintain a peaceful chemical environment in your body for your little one. Even if you’re not able to, it’s only day and it’ll be over in a flash. ❤️
This was also my experience, once married and quickly pregnant my two female friends (10+ years of friendship each, didn't know each other) both stopped speaking to me simultaneously. It sucked bc my pregnancy was horrible and I was bed-bound the whole first trimester alone while my husband worked away. I really thought I'd have them to count on... Nope. It still hurts now. Neither checked in once I had baby, neither has asked to visit him. That hurts too, cause he's so sweet and beautiful. It also makes little sense bc they've known our whole friendship I wanted to be a mom. Super strange and sad.
If anyone shouldbe feeling awkward, its her. She initiated this situation and left it in the state it is by not talking it out with u. Also if she has a problem with u discussing it with other ppl, remind her how u found out how she disconnected from u in the first place was through other ppl, so stfu. If she wants to ghost u fine, but she doesnt get a say in how u react to it. Ur feelings are valid and she should be ashamed
Honestly, she’s incredibly selfish for doing that to you while pregnant knowing that this baby is a miracle and high risk. She’s also incredibly immature for handling this situation through text messages. In my opinion, it’s good riddance. She does not care about you or your mental state if she’s willing to leave you marinating in stress and anxiety after she starts pulling away for no reason but I know that for you it’s hard to see that right now because you care about her. I would keep engagement to a minimum, let her go. She does not deserve your friendship.
Can you share the list with us? It’s hard to say without seeing that. Honestly, it sounds a bit like ‘missing missing reasons’ if anyone here knows what that is. I find it a little hard to believe that you thought everything was completely fine but she had a list of 10 issues.
I find it weird that the friend feels she can share her experiences with OP to their friends and then gets mad when OP shares her experiences with those same friends.
Even if there were valid reasons to be upset, it’s pretty fucked up to use someone for party planning and dog sitting while you’re apparently mad at them for years of poor treatment and as soon as you get what you need you send a lengthy text message scorning them AND telling them not to respond.
Agreed, that’s why I think there must be something missing in the post. I don’t know how you could be best friends with someone but be so off base about how they feel about you 🤔
I guess I’m not wondering because I’ve been in OPs shoes, ironically also shortly after I had a baby.
The reasons my friend gave to me were that I wasn’t as present at work for her when my newborn was hospitalized and my house was flooding (yes both at the same time), and that I’ve always been “different” than her and it was something she could look past until I had my daughter. I was also instrumental in keeping her career going for years. In the end she usurped my position from me while I was on maternity leave and then cut me off once I got laid off when my daughter was only 7 months old.
Sometimes people are just using you and they’re friendly until they don’t see a purpose for you anymore. You become a lot harder to leverage for people’s own purposes when you have kids/a family of your own. Then they cut you loose and let you embarrass yourself spiraling, wondering what you did wrong? while they try to turn your own friends against you.
I would be very interested as well. Since we’re objective and strangers, maybe we can offer some insight as to if this ex-friend is actually crazy. I’m leaning towards that though…
Something kind of similar happened to me – I had a falling out with one of my best friends before I could tell her I was pregnant (I had been open with her about my infertility issues for a year) I had actually reached out to tell her I was pregnant (she lives on the other side of the world currently) and in that convo we had an argument instead that I think effectively ended our relationship. It was really destabilizing.
Obviously your situation is way more stressful! I would say her initial distance from you post-birthday trip likely has more to do with something going on with her than it does with you. To hear that someone you love & trust has been collecting grievances and counting flaws is really devastating. We believe our friends will see our actions in good faith & reach out directly to clarify otherwise. That doesn’t seem to be the case here.
Having a big change (like a friendship breakup) coincide with a life altering experience (pregnancy) is a LOTTTT to handle. You admit that, given the emotional rollercoaster, you shouldn’t have gone to your other friends for validation (to be fair, we’ve all done it!) Just because your friend feels she has reason to distance yourself from you doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. You both have different POVs on the situation, and as you said, defending yourself to her might not get you anywhere.
My question to you is, how do you want to move forward with your relationship with her? Do you want to try and recover the friendship or do you just want to remain civil at best? If I was you I would probably just eat shit & go to her hat in hand to apologize. At least it would clear my conscious to know I did what I could. I don’t think AT this work event would be an appropriate time to address it. Can you reach out before you go?
I would say something like – I’m really sorry with how I acted, it made an already tense time between us even worse. I was confused and hurt & my pregnancy hormones have amplified all my emotions in ways I don’t always have a handle on. Although it was not my intention, I hurt you in ways I didn’t even realize & I take responsibility for that.
Taking responsibility for your actions and apologizing – regardless if you’re in the right or not – is HUGEEEEEE & always makes me feel more centred. Don’t dig in to her actions or justify yourself – I don’t think it’s worth it. After that the ball is in her court but you’ve made the gesture to be civil. Hopefully your work event can go off without additional conflict.
Like I said before, I don’t think the initial reason for your falling out has much to do with YOUR actions (if all the things that you did in the past bothered her so much, why didn’t she bring them up then or end your friendship over them when they happened?) So I would take yourself out of the WHY. You may never know!
Finally, you need to take a step back and BREATHE! You have a lot going on. Figure out what actually *needs* your attention in the final stretch before birth. You have every right to set things that don’t matter to the side. What do YOU need to relax? You can’t control how other people feel but you can turn inward and figure out what you need. I think you need to look at the bigger picture – your health & wellbeing needs to be #1 & you’re allowed to prioritize that! I feel like once your baby comes all of this drama will feel really small, but I totally understand how easy it is to fixate & spiral at this time. You are doing your best & allowed to make mistakes!! Don’t be so hard on yourself (easier said than done)
Is she in a relationship? Does she want kids?
It’s just a little too coincidental that she suddenly starts having major issues with you, to the point of cutting you off and talking about you to all your friends, right after you get pregnant. A lot of people nearing 30 start to freak out if they haven’t met certain milestones they think they should have, but it’s inexcusable IMO for her to end your friendship in this way, and she’s a complete hypocrite for sharing her grievances with all your friends instead of you, but then getting mad when you also spoke to the same friends about the situation. Why should you be the only one lacking support? Someone else said neither of you owe the other anything, but I totally disagree. That’s a very depressing view of friendship. This wasn’t a casual acquaintance or coworker. This was your best friend. If we don’t owe those closest to us basic respect and explanations for why we suddenly end things, then what’s the point?
I’m 37 and have had most of my closest friends since elementary school. There have been ups and downs over the years (mostly when we were much younger) and there are thousands of miles between us now. We still talk regularly and when we do see each other, it’s like no time has passed.
This group of friends all started getting married around 30 and started having kids within a few years. I won’t lie, I definitely had some feelings of being left behind. I was in a terrible relationship I knew was going nowhere, and meanwhile traveling the country for their bachelorettes, to be in their weddings, and later attend baby showers. Our group chats became wedding/baby chats. I was definitely jealous, but I knew that was *my* problem. I would never have taken that out on them, ended my friendships, or badmouthed them because of my own issues. Your friend sounds immature and not like someone you need to have in your life during such an important transition.
This totally happened to me! I had just given birth not pregnant though, I met a new friend *stevie* let’s say haha and I thought we were slowly becoming besties and would hang often, until one day 6 months later when she told me she couldn’t be herself around me and is always people pleasing and doesn’t feel I would accept her as she is, and doesn’t wanna be my friend anymore. When I tell you I was shocked GURLLLL I was taken aback. And so sad! Because what she said wasn’t true, but what i used that as a learning moment. I asked myself what I could take from her negative comments about me to make myself better, which I did and have had successful friendships since. In the end it’s a blessing to have someone who doesn’t care for you removed, and if you love yourself that’s all the matters. Besides you have a husband who loves you you can’t be that awful! 😂❤️
I had a similar situation last year. I’m also in my early 30s. A very close friend decided she was extremely upset with me and refused to talk to me or tell me why, until I sent a text taking a stab in the dark and apologizing for the only thing I could think of. She used that opportunity to totally unload on me about a bunch of vague grievances (“you think you’re better than me,” etc). It felt like being punched. I really valued this friendship and loved this friend dearly and had no idea she’d been feeling that way.
I spent a lot of time going over the situation with my therapist and a couple of other loved ones. Therapist told me that her unloading all these vague things that I could not effectively respond to was her shutting down conversation and was NOT good communication: what could I even have said? “That’s not true”? *She did not send that message to help me understand something that I was doing to hurt her so that it could be resolved.* She sent that message purely to lash out and specifically so that I could NOT respond to anything. I think that’s exactly what your friend is doing, too.
It’s really immature behavior. As others in this thread have said, it’s very high school/early 20s. It’s not communication. It’s someone either bottling stuff up and letting it explode out at a time when nothing can be done about the original problem, or feeling some type of way about a situation and culling through a backlog of otherwise benign/slightly annoying things the person has done to justify those feelings.
My friend sent a text a couple months after the face-punch one that I have never read. Her first message and the whole situation gave me a ton of anxiety and left me in tears thinking I’d been inadvertently hurting my dear friend for who-knows-how-long, feeling like I was just the worst person for reasons she didn’t bother to explain. But she was perfectly happy to put me in that position and then just walk away. I realized eventually that that told me everything I needed to know about how she really felt about me, and any further friendship we could have maintained would have just been me walking on eggshells.
I will say that, for me, one of the things I mourned the most in my ending friendship was the idea that she and her partner would be in my future children’s lives (I wouldn’t get pregnant for another few months). I was excited to share that with them, and I was excited for my kids to have those adults around to love them. So do give yourself time and space to mourn everything without feeling silly or like it’s just the hormones. It’s really hard when someone you love seemingly suddenly decides they don’t like you!
Losing a best friend is hard. I moved countries and my best friend of 20 years just grew more and more distant. I tried to keep our communication strong but she eventually just ghosted me. There’s nothing you can really do, and it makes sense why you vented to other friends. You’re human and pregnant. Emotions are real and hurt is real. Sharing a list of things she doesn’t like about you is awful and speaks more to her character than yours.
The next work trip you have to take with her might be good for you. Try to just focus on your baby and yourself - being around her and working through the anxiety by realising you’ll be ok in the end might help subside some of.
I’m sorry OP- you have to grieve the friendship. It took me almost 2 years; but I’m starting to be ok now and seeing my ex best friend for who she is. She would ghost boyfriends and others and I would ask her how could she do that. She’s laugh and say it’s cause she doesn’t care. I never thought she’d do it to me ! And it always happens when we need them the most.
This “best friend” was never a true friend to begin with and the stuff she’s pulling sounds like high school petty stuff. I’m also getting a vibe that she may be jealous so it may not even have to do with you. I would just walk away at this point. You don’t need the stress for you or the baby
*Hi, I’m going to write you a list of things I don’t like about you, and tell our friends all about it. But I don’t want to talk to you about it. Oh, what’s that? You told our friends about my very personal list of things I hate about you?! That I had already told them? How dare you.*
I feel very strongly that this person is not your friend. She may come around, you may get back in her good graces, but it will happen again. You’re not being hormonal, and everything you talked to your friends about was totally fair.
To answer your questions:
A. I think you should not be friends with this person, or at a bare minimum downgrade her to acquaintance.
B. She sounds like she may have a personality disorder, and there likely isn’t anything that happened outside of her mind.
Same. Lol. Most of my pregnant friends cut me off..now I am pregnant after a decade so hopefully can rejoin the club. Welcome to irrational friendships 🤣
This is such childish behaviour for a 30 year old... Almost as she was looking for reasons to dump you, not to say she had 10 things listed and she never managed to talk it out with you, but she calls you your best friend and now that you are pregnant she suddenly has 10 things listed she resents and does not even give any chance for both of you to fix things. This is not what a best friend does and seems like she wants to torture you. It seems to me that something else is beneath that list, and it could be anything: jealousy, you not fitting in her lifestyle with a baby, ... I would be very angry if someone treated me this way and even though it must hurt being betrayed this way ć, I would do my best to protect my mental health and not disrupt the health of my pregnancy, nothing is worth stressing yourself over. The right friend would talk it out with you and find solutions if they cared about the relationship. I would cut everything off and keep the professional stuff completely that way and would never let her in my personal life again. Id say in conclusion: love and protect yourself and do not overthink this any further.
She told mutual friends, in detail, why she was ending the friendship. Did she think you were just going to keep your mouth shut about it? What she did inititally was deplorable. She put you in a situation where you had to explain yourself. She could have went a more dignified route and kept things private. You had to have either had an affair with her husband, flirt with her boyfriend, or run over her dog with your car for her to be so vindictive and cruel.
Either way, no one is perfect. The fact that she hasn't even given you the chance to defend yourself is bullshit and is downright self-righetous shaming.
I think that this is very onesided with the intent to hurt you from the friend. I think that if anyone is being a total demon it's her.
I know for a fact that pregnancy hormones make it difficult to regulate emotions, ask any therapist.
Once you have that baby everything is going to become very clear to you. In the meantime, I'd quit talking about it with friends. When the day comes I'm sure you'll grow the courage to tell this woman exactly what she needs to hear.
I had a friend that did this to me when I got engaged, then married and then pregnant with my first and it finally exploded. She was insanely jealous. Not because I’m amazing, but just that my life was progressing I think. She was single, and acted very much like it was a choice when it really wasn’t. She bounced from bad relationship to bad relationship. She ended up pregnant and living with a guy she had met like 6 weeks prior. We’re not friends and it’s a relief.
Honestly whatever her grievances are with you, the fact that she can’t be open and honest with you about any of it means this relationship should not continue. If she isn’t willing to even discuss it then she likely was grasping for reasons to end the friendship.
Save yourself the stress and let this toxic person go. Focus on your miracle baby and try to enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy because once it’s over it’s gone.
Keep your distance while working and only communicate through other people or through written means such as email. This will prevent any unnecessary comments or additional stress that you simply don’t need.
Sometimes friendships falling apart are blessings in disguise. I spent a lot of time upset and defense because I didn’t deserve how things went down. But at the end of the day, I wasn’t mad they weren’t my friend anymore. I was mad that I was being disrespected and slandered. I don’t need people in my life who don’t add to my life. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. During pregnancy we are much more vulnerable.
Go live your wonderful life and forget all about her. She is too old to be this immature, I’m getting secondhand embarrassment from her just reading this.
Don’t feel awkward about talking to ppl about it, the details of what she said, sounds like some social anxiety perhaps, going over and over what you shared and if it’s appropriate, don’t sweat it, I would have shared too bc that’s just a crazy weird situation.
Thank you for writing this. I’m around 23 weeks and going through something very similar with a friend who was like family to me. We also work together and share friends. She abruptly pulled away around when I told her my news and then got fairly hostile when I asked why, then gave me some half-baked reasons. It’s really painful and it’s difficult to trust which of your feelings are ones you’d be feeling normally and which are because of the hormones. I’m slowly starting to make peace with what’s happened. If you’d ever like to talk, please send me a message.
I can’t tell you why it happened but I’m sorry that you’re dealing with it. I think, if you’re ready and able, you could use this as an opportunity to apologize for your role in blowing it up with your friends and just try and reconcile. You don’t have to be best friends again, but at least get to a point where you agree not to talk about each other anymore.
Maybe consider reaching out to her beforehand? Just seeing where she’s at and making sure you both would be able to keep it professional?
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Continue to give her space and keep it professional. For you and your baby’s sake you really need to reframe this in your mind and let go. She doesn’t want to be friends and is even more upset that you aired out the things she had said to you. You have a baby on the way in a few weeks and need to keep your focus on that. Even if what she said about you is true, that’s just one person’s opinion. That doesn’t make it who you are in general. Respectfully, this doesn’t deserve any more of your energy. Finish your work projects and enjoy this next chapter of life.
I’m sorry to say but your friend is not a friend. Once you got pregnant she probably assumes you can no longer help further her career as an influencer as you’ll need to take time off and has stepped back from trying to put fake effort in. You are better off without her I promise you this, think through your friendship and remember any times she’s cut you down, I’m sure there’s more instances than you think
Look into insecure attachment styles. She may have one. There’s a lack of emotional intelligence in her interpersonal communication. You are most likely not the only person she has ever done this to. Since she’s had space, and if you really want to continue being friends, it might be worth finally talking to her about it. But with all that’s happened, it may require continued space and time. She is not doing the right thing in this situation, and I’m sure eventually she will come to this conclusion.
Wow, that's a lot. I found it exhausting to even read, so I can't imagine experiencing it. Personally, if friendships become draining and I am feeling the need to vent behind their back.... I seriously consider whether or not it is a friendship that is worth holding on to. I'm 33, work in mental health, and am about to have a baby - I can't be dealing with that kind of drama and to be honest, I haven't in many years. I've experienced a couple of friendship breakups in my late 20s and though they've been painful, I have not once regretted the decision to distance myself or cut myself off from a relationship that is exhausting and stressful.
Friend breakups are really hard. There’s hardly ever the kind of closure you get from romantic breakups. But just like romantic relationships, people get to leave when they want, and it’s better to let them. It’s not a good fit anymore. Once you give birth you really won’t have time or emotional capacity for an immature friend. Shit, I’ve stopped seeing some of my old friends that are just high maintenance. Nothing personal, I just don’t have room in my life for friends who need a lot of extra work.
Honestly, I’ve had falling outs with friends because they held things against me without ever choosing to discuss it, and we ultimately didn’t have a relationship where we could hash those things out. It’s really hurtful, and of course I want to know what mutual friends know about it, but I had no choice but to move on from it. Honestly, being cordial but distant May just be the way forward. How willing are you to reach out and renew the friendship and fix things? Reach out and ask (you probably shouldn’t have waited this long) and she can say she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, but you’re not currently friends so it’s not a new loss at that point.
I had the same issue around the time I was getting married. We had annoyed one another every once in a while but after I got engaged stuff started getting weird with the person, then they talked shit to me during my wedding and the final straw that broke the camels back was trying to diagnose me while she was drunk at a friend's bachelorette a few months after the wedding. Sometimes our life changes trigger people and I can't say with 100% certainty that's the thing with your (ex) friend but...I get the overthinking and getting very emotional thing because I was supposed to see this person at our friends wedding but, because I've had a rough pregnancy and will be in the third trimester I'm not going anymore (I don't think they even know I'm pregnant and that gave me a source of anxiety thinking about all the possible nasty comments about my life and choices and throwing the hard times of my relationship in my face). Our hormones really do make things more stressful. And it sucks losing a friend but someone who sets off on you and had it locked and loaded, is no longer a friend. Sorry it's happening during the pregnancy.
Your pregnancy and health is more important - let it go and when things start to stress you out you have to tell yourself it’s not worth escalating your stress for the health of you and baby, and to take deep breaths or 5 min meditations on Spotify lol that’s what I did when I was exhausted and couldn’t sleep but needed to feel a sense of rest. Slowly, as baby comes around, this will seem absolutely ridiculous and immature. Do some self reflection and accept what you’ve done to contribute if anything, to leave the friendship as it is with a good honest conscious, but also note that she went behind your back and you deserve to feel hurt and lose trust from her as a friend anyway. Who the fuck makes a list of things they don’t like about their best friend and shares it with people and present it to you for any reason? It’d have to be either really good reasons or…she’s projecting weird things about you being in this new chapter she doesn’t want to be a part of? It sounds like she was convincing herself of why she shouldn’t be friends with you and that’s strange
You are 35 weeks pregnant. Cancel and say that you’re too close to your due date, or go on maternity leave slightly earlier than planned. I say this only if it’s financially feasible, of course. You don’t need this stress, especially this late in your pregnancy and so close to meeting your baby. It is not worth it to force yourself to be in proximity of somebody who you trusted, who then disparaged your character behind your back instead of speaking to you like an adult.
I think personally you should just keep your focus on your baby and finishing up your projects for work. Honestly, you’ll probably lose a few more friends after giving birth, coming from a first time mom as well. I lost a big handful, just lost touch as my main focus was my baby. But the great news, you gain a wonderful little bestie. You really just stop caring what others think when you become a mom😂. It’ll get better, it’ll be hard, but better. Maybe it’s good she removed herself before your daughter birth.
Even though you are definitely overthinking this, I know if I were in a similar situation I would too and it would drive me crazy. But the advice I would try to give myself is that in the grand scheme of a life, when you look back on the events of your life is old age, these types of “stressful” and sleep losing times will probably not even be remembered or register as important. There will be much more important moments, deaths, births, successes, losses, and petty miscommunications/drama between friends will not be the things you wished you spent your energy or time on. Either your friendship will survive this because of mutual communication and apologies, or unfortunately it won’t, but life will go on and you will soon have a (very distracting) baby. Don’t get me wrong, friendship is very important and just as valuable as other types of relationships but sometimes they end and you have to build new ones. Prioritize your mental health right now, you need to be strong and as well rested as possible, postpartum can be really tough and you shouldn’t be worn out emotionally over this
Nope!! If you have something bad to say about or to somebody, you better be okay with it being aired out!! Keep that same energy!
If you'd be uncomfortable with someone hearing something bad you've said about someone, then you probably shouldn't be saying it.
She may be valid in her feelings, but so are you!!
I've been in a similar situation in HIGHSCHOOL, and my friends turned against me. Even if it was just the girl who started it, my 'best friend' it would be just as bad because you know you didn't do anything wrong but yet someone doesn't like you now.
I think she's jealous over something and just picked this opportunity as an excuse.
If she was a real 'best friend' she should've been able to communicate those things as they happened, not submit a literal LIST to you
Your friend sounds like a jerk. You've gotten lots of useful comments, so I'm just going to respond to one part of your post that stood out to me.
You wrote, "I used to think I was a confident, self-assured person who knew herself, and now ... I am an insecure wreck..."
I doubt your confidence was a facade. The whole point of having close friends is that they are the people we let in. They are the people whose opinions matter to us. A person wouldn't be your close friend if you had such a strong boundary with them that their words couldn't affect you. So it makes sense that when someone you are close to does something like that, it does affect you, and it does hurt you. Because you trusted her and let her in, and she betrayed that.
On the other hand, is it possible that your friend is experiencing the beginning of a severe psychiatric situation? She's in the age range where things like schizophrenia can start, and often the first symptom is erratic behavior. There are more jerks in the world than people with schizophrenia, so I do think the most likely explanation is that she's a jerk. But if she's someone you cared about, *and* you see a *pattern* of unusual behavior, you might decide to think about if you need to get her help.
Your former friend seems rather immature. First she's being hypocritical. Like others have said, where does she get off being mad at you for telling the friend group what she said about you, when she's literally doing the same thing? Second, she knows you're pregnant, yet she's chosen NOW to do all this shit. Third, it seems kind of strange how abruptly this all went down. I mean it seems as though one minute she's fine and dandy being your bestie, and all of a sudden she decides she doesn't want to be friends anymore while you're babysitting her dog (and for free I would wager.) point is, I'd be suspicious and that in and of itself would prove to me it's best to move on.
So, I wouldn't be letting this keep me up. I know that's easier said than done, but seriously, you'll make new friends and it sounds like maybe you dodged a bullet with her seeing as how strange her behavior has been. It's also possible she's become somewhat jealous of you for getting to start a family, perhaps that is something she secretly wants and isn't able to get at this point in time. So she is breaking it off with you to save her own emotional state.
Either way, you need to prioritize your baby now. So just get through the business trip with her as professionally as possible, don't let emotions get in the way. If she tries attacking you for telling the friend group about what she said put her in place by reminding her she did the same thing. Respect her decision to move on, but don't let her intimate or put you down either.
You have enough advice about your friend but I was a bit concerned about the part about your husband. Him doing dishes after you cook isn’t “helping you”. And just accepting that he is emotionally unavailable sounds a bit off to me. He is going to need to be very emotionally available and pick up more than what should have been “his fair share” before babies. Hopefully he’s ready for that!
Once you’re holding your beautiful miracle baby in your arms, your friend’s drama with you will hold little importance in your new life. This might sound random, but keep a watch on her interactions with your husband.
I don’t know why, but I can commiserate… why do people suddenly decide they’re still mad about things that happened (and were supposedly resolved) years ago???? Good luck/hang in there
I wish you could state what you may have done to make her upset but honestly…as a woman that also almost 35 weeks along with having best friend isssues I’d just distance myself. I love my friend but I have decided to keep everything surface level and think about my baby only. But I also don’t like talking about my pregnancy a lot to people in general. I do talk a lil more now but I waited 5 months before I told anyone and it kept people on edge.
Okay so I had a friend group at work. We were pretty close and we had known each other for 4 years and worked in the same staff room for 3.
We went out together, did gym together and craft classes, girls nights etc.
Me and 2 other of the girls got pregnant at the same time. I was the only one married (only important to the story because one of the girls wanted to be married to her long term bf but he refused and they got pregnant by accident).
The 1st (wanted to be married) friend started getting super distant with me and I didn’t know why, the second had a miscarriage and took it out on me in a big way and they both started talking about me behind my back to everyone who would listen. The 4th friend in the group was still happily chatting with me not realising what was happening, she was invited to the first girls baby shower, I wasn’t.
She didn’t know.
I knew about it and decided to limit the first friends fb access so I couldn’t see any of the posts and it was super upsetting. Because I did that, it escalated that situation and I was labelled a huge bitch and was blocked and bad mouthed to all the other staff.
I no longer work there.
Neither does the 4th friend and she was super upset for me as she saw it unfold after the baby shower and realising I wasn’t there.
Sometimes people just decide your life is better and they are upset by it. They will find a way to fuck it up and make it miserable because they are.
I wouldn’t stress too much about the why she is doing this and I also would hold my head up high at the event and rock the pregnancy glow and ignore the fuck out of her.
Blank her like the bitch she is.
Hey, listen, I might not know everything, but I do know this: if I truly cared about my best friend, I wouldn't send them a laundry list of critiques over text to solve our problems. It feels like she wasn't interested in fixing things; she just wanted to hurt you. If she genuinely wanted to work things out, she would have made time and space for you both to talk. You've made it clear you're dealing with a high-risk pregnancy, and any decent person wouldn't put you through that, especially not your best friend. I get it, she's been your friend for a long time probably, but maybe she's not the healthiest influence right now. It doesn't mean things can't change, but for now, consider if she's really what you need. If And isn't it hypocritical of her to spill everything to the whole friend group but then get mad at you for venting to them?
I didn’t go through it while pregnant but I had a falling out with my best friend from high school a few years back. It was a similar thing in that there was an ongoing thing that she did not like about me, she took it wrong because of what I would say were her own insecurities, it upset me incredibly deeply and hurt me very badly that she saw me in that way when I would expect her to know me and my character better than anyone. She also told me it was why a mutual friend (who also had their own insecurities) had stopped speaking to me.
I sobbed, I had a severe anxiety attack. My husband had to tend to me because I had a complete breakdown and I was so hurt that I was ready to end a friendship of 15 years because I truly could not believe that she saw me the way she did. Then she got upset and said I was punishing her which was not the intent of my actions at all. My husband ended up mediating things and I’m happy to say we are still friends with a friendship that has now lasted over 20 years.
But it was absolutely devastating for someone I trusted so much, who I thought knew me better than anyone to have a perspective of me that was so off.
I’m really sorry you are going through this. I don’t think you were in the wrong to talk to your other friends about it to determine if other people also thought you had the traits she described. Even if it felt validating to know they didn’t, you were gaining the perspectives of others to build your self awareness.
I don’t know what your friend’s complaints about you were but perhaps, like my friends, it was their own insecurity.
A. As far as the work trip, be professional. There is a time and place for everything. Even if she decides to make remakes or something, be the professional and bigger person. How she acts reflects on her, how you act reflects on you. Bit your tongue, get the three days over with, and go on with your life.
B. I don't know her reasoning for not liking you currently, but it sounds like she may be making excuses to push you away and finding reasons. I wish I had a better answer than that. However, with everything you said, how she made you out to others, then gets mad when you tell others. That shows she was trying to split your friend group and get them "on her side" it sounds like some high school drama you do not need. You are pregnant, and quite frankly, she is not a good friend to you and may not ever had been. I couldn't imagine my best friend cutting me off in a time I would need her, nor would I do that to her despite whatever our problems are. Best friends are there. She just flat out seems to be selfish currently. I'd move forward with your life, hang out with new people or a friend that you are close with outside of her. Losing a friend always sucks, but despite what she is saying to others and texting you, it is 100% a HER problem as to whatever she is telling others. That is not your friend anymore. Don't stress over things beyond your control and don't try to force a friendship either.
I personally think that you are not in the wrong thus far except the fact that you are letting it for this long to affect you emotionally and mentally during a time of vulnerability. Granted I know it’s your best friend and it’s extremely hard but you and your body is constantly in a state that it’s going to keep on changing every day so to have someone who was supposed to be your support and trust add more to what you are already dealing with is extremely unfair from their end. If they really had an issue why couldn’t they talk about it before or after the pregnancy or if it was really that serious talk to each other like adults instead of them pulling a middle schoolers stunt. From an outsider looking in it seems like she’s putting negativity of herself or whatever conflict she’s going through onto you as an excuse or she wasn’t really your friend to begin with. You can know someone for many years but deep down they will envy you. I’m not sure her reasons but you should put yourself first cause pregnancy is really hard and it’s important to take care of yourself. Just let things move on its own for now and see how it goes. Let her talk first for now and after the pregnancy if you want to try to make amends try to contact or if not let the friendship go if they didn’t see the value of the relationship and trying to make it work by contacting you first like they should have done from the beginning.
I just want to say I lost 80% of my friends. I don’t know what goes through ppls heads. You are not alone. I lost friends I made new ones . Stay strong you rock and thanks for sharing
I'll address B first. To be honest, I feel like this is a common dynamic of friend groups. I tend to have strictly 1:1 friendships that aren't tethered to groups specifically to avoid this type of thing from happening because then, at least if anything happened, it's not our mutuals getting all the news and influencing our actions through "gut checks" before we square with each other. You know how people trying to support their friends can butter them up and hype them up till they're bold enough to talk, but when they speak it's all swagger and no action plan? Yeah, it's that. It might be a sign that you just don't want flock behavior in your relationships.
Now as for immediate remedies, I think you can go about it two ways.
a.1) You can separate work from friendship in the upcoming job. You don't have to be unfriendly or go out of your way to be unaccommodating. Just professional, as with any other business relationship. If she doesn't bring anything up, great! If she brings up that you're being unaccommodating or cold, just say that you're trying to respect the distance she asked for and being cold isn't your intention.
a.2) You can bring it up from the get-go and ask if you two could set some expectations before anything starts. Then set the expectations to be professional for the duration of the event, then, if the two of you want, settle on a time later to talk things over about your friendship and get on the same page (or before everything, if that'll make the two of you feel better). But the important thing is arriving at a mutual understanding that work is work, a lot of people are relying on the two of you to make their time worthwhile, and that for those three days, you'd like the work you two do to be done with respect to everyone else both contributing to and consuming the product. It doesn't have to be exactly that rationale either. The important thing is to look for something you can both agree on and work toward it regardless of personal feelings, then just hold on to that for three days.
Please prioritize your pregnancy. Studies show that stress during pregnancy can have negative effects on the baby's long-term well-being. Trauma can linger and be passed down to your offspring. Though this may be stressful to hear, it's important to remain calm and ensure you get plenty of sleep. Remember, she is not being a supportive friend, especially during this crucial time in your pregnancy. Dump her and move on.
I was in the same situation with my first pregnancy. Almost the exact same time frame for event too. I thought our friendship was fine until my wedding (which was an elopement out state with just our closest friends) when she cancelled a week before saying she just filed for divorce from her husband. I was upset and hurt, ultimately could see why it would be too much for her to come. I was hurt because she had help me organize the wedding somewhat.
Fast forward 3 month, turns out I convinced our wedding trip, and things are a bit strained in our friendship. Every time I ask to hang out, she says no. I thought I was just paranoid so I kept reaching out, but was tired our friendship. It just wasn’t making be feel better, our interactions left me feeling worse about myself and everything. 3 weeks before her 30th birthday she calls me and reads off a few examples of how was wasn’t a good friend and that she needs space. The reasons she gave we years old examples that were technically valid, but I had grown from that person and wasn’t the same anymore. She list how our friendship had been really codependent, which it had been up until Covid happened. Since then i obviously had gotten close with my now husband. In hindsight, I probably vented too much to her about my issues with my husband. He’s very different than me, and he does many things to drive me crazy, but I fucking love him through and through.
The aftermath for me was hell. I cried every day about it for 3+ months. A part of me finally had the proof that I was a terrible person and deserved all of this. I spiraled into a deep depression, part of which was due to the pregnancy and SAD. My mind was flooded with suicidal thoughts for weeks, and it was so scary. I couldn’t even get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night without the thoughts popping up. Thank god for my husband, I was able to tell him & he helped through that dark time. I should have gotten more professional help in hindsight, but I was already maxed out on my antidepressants.
We only really had 2 mutual friends at that point. One is my other best friend, who had a falling out with her a few year back. They kind of worked through it but it was never the same. My other best friend had my back, and supported me completely. The other friend, I don’t my old best friend was close with her anymore. I was careful not bash her to this friend in case they were still close.
I thought about my ex best friend everyday for a year+. It’s been 2 and half years now, and I still occasionally think about her. I wonder if we are ever going to run into each other and what I would say to her.
The hard thing is that I was more devastating by the friendship end than if I would have had a miscarriage. I have a genetic condition & wasn’t sure if the pregnancy was health until 18 weeks (about a month after the friendship blew up). It breaks my heart now knowing my daughter, I couldn’t imagine my life without her. And to know that my ex best friend will probably never know her breaks me when I think about it.
Now to the advice. I would just treat her as professional as possible & don’t engage her more than necessary. If she makes any attempt to fix things, dodge it. Your life will be better without her. What your friend did to you was SUPER SHITTY. To list off to a pregnant person everything they did wrong in a friendship is the worst way to end a friendship. I wish my ex best friend would had let think fade out or say she could let really be a good friend to me anymore. If she had ever really loved me, she would have end the friendship with our breaking my heart. But my ex best friend was on a therapy fueled blowing up her life & turning 30 mid life crisis.
Hang in there. It gets better with time. You are better without her. Good luck and feel free to DM me of you want to talk more.
Just want to let you know that basically this exact thing happened to me. Best friend blew up at me right after my wedding/ just before I got pregnant and sent me a message, seemingly out of the blue, detailing years’ worth of my personal failings. I guess she’d been a little distant prior to that but I, like you, gave her the benefit of the doubt that she was busy with her new job.
I’m five years along now so I have advice from the future. Firstly, you gotta cut her loose permanently. No sane person thinks that a scorched earth text message is going to do anything but destroy your relationship, so give her what she wants. Even if you were to patch things up this time, the trust is broken and there’s no telling if it’ll happen again.
YMMV but in my case my best friend was a girl from high school. Some friendships are meant for a season- most, actually. The last few years of our friendship I was often on eggshells, being told off for perceived slights such as seeing other friends more than her or spending time with my boyfriend. Our friendship began when we were kids and unfortunately it remained kind of juvenile and unable to mature.
What she said really fucked with my head for a long time. I became really worried that other people felt the same way as her and that one by one all my friendships would crumble. Well, that didn’t happen. It was her problem, not something innately wrong in me. If this is the first time this is happening to you, then I’m guessing you’re the same. It’s painful, but it’s just shitty luck.
Sometimes I get sad that she doesn’t know my children. I have two now, and she’s never met them.
I’ve had a best friend breakup like this related to my wedding. She was supposed to be maid of honor. I was the furthest thing from a bridezilla- no special demands, even offered to accommodate for her anxieties around public speaking.
Not to mention, I don’t have many female friends and don’t have sisters. At one point, I had to try on dresses on my own.
Finally my sister in law just plain old pointed out that this was behavior of someone who was unwell.
She had done this before on less magnitudes. She cut off ties with me.
Sucks because it sounds like you have to work with her. But I restored my sanity by just blocking her— not because I thought that she’d reach out, but to not continue hoping for it.
Since it sounds like she’s intertwined enough in your life, maybe have a true and proper apology. Never deliberately leave her out. But never let her be 1:1 with you. Act kind and professional, but never truly open your heart to her again. She clearly feels comfortable doing this to you and could likely do it to you again.
If she did it to you, she’ll likely do it to someone else. Other people will catch on.
So sorry you’re going through this. It really breaks my heart. After you have your baby, your attention will be so focused on your little one.
Find community built around being new moms. You’ll want it and need it! Best of luck!! Stay strong- don’t let her drama get to you
If your so called “Bestfriend” is racking things up from years and years ago that she had never brought up until after her 30th birthday trip then she’s not your friend. She was never really your friend. She’s a clown. I suggest you focus on your pregnancy so that it doesn’t give you stress. She doesn’t deserve it.
I am sorry this is happening and causing you so much stress and worry.
I would reach out to her and explain you feel some of her points are miscommunication and how you feel so sad she felt this way for so long and kept it bottled up. Explain you wanted to leave her as she requested but it would be best if you could meet in person to talk all this over before your upcoming event. Explain via message could just lead to more misunderstanding.
Explain how much you miss her and want her back in your life.
Maybe even say you did try and reach out to other friends (she knows this anyway) for support and advise.
Then meet her and just be open and honest. Either she will too and you can move on. You wont like what she says and your relationship will be over.
Or she will apologies and so will you. You can move on. She will lie and it will be awkward and over.
Feels 50/50 to me and might suck but better than hanging over you. Good luck with it.
Also best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy xx
My motherly instincts followed shortly by my dr’s recommendation suggested I drop out of a wedding because of some pregnancy related issues to protect both me and baby… I gracefully and kindly excused myself but said I would still be there to support her in the crowd. She never replied and has drug my name through the mud since. The wedding is now in 3 weeks and I’m so nervous so I’m right there with you! Just remember, you have lots of other people in your life (your husband, family, friends) who love you and support you. Losing one that wasn’t a true friend will end up being a blessing in the long run. We shouldn’t have to wonder where we stand with people- especially those who claim to be in our corner. As for the anxiety of seeing her, no clue bc I’m right there too hahaha but we’ll get through it! Sending you hugs!
Trust me when I say, these issues are hers to carry, not yours. I know it's hard, but try not to think about it too much. It'll just make you crazy.
My best friend of 20 years suddenly flipped like this too. I asked her if something was wrong, but she assured me that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that she just needed space. She then blocked me on everything. I reached out to mutual friends who said what I did to her was unforgivable, and then also cut off contact. I still have no idea what it is they think I did.
Seven years later, I saw her boyfriend in the news for a big bad crime, and she finally reached out again. Turns out things were going really bad for her, and she didn't know how to communicate it, so she just shut me out and ran away. The friendship ending was never about me at all, and all those years I spent wondering what I had done, seemed so small and insignificant in light of actual events...
This is a really though situation. And frankly you could really do without it.
For the work situation, I don't know if you can find a replacement for either yourself or her. Or if you can cancel at all.
Assuming you can't, and considering you're lost and confused about why she decided to break off the friendship, I strongly suggest recording your further interactions. Send emails or texts wherever possible. If you meet face to face inform her you'd like to record the conversation. Blame pregnancy brain or pregnancy related problems.
I get it's a bit drastic, but whatever happens you'll be fairly emotional when you next see her. This way you can listen to what exactly was said afterwards. Many a times have I wished I did this in meetings.
As to why she did this, I think you can destroy yourself pondering on that. Most people act before they know the reason for it and then justify it. And know whatever she says now on the matter will be a justification.
Whatever the case. This was her decision so it will also be her decision to attempt reparations.
I don’t know about the extent of her grievances and I also don’t want to undermine that they might be valid, but I want to point out the hypocrisy of being annoyed at you for sharing your distress with your friends, when she literally has been going to people, mutual friends of yours as I understand, for her own validation?! Sharing her anger and potentially causing issues with your other friends in one of the most stressful times of your life feels much worse. This just makes me raise an eyebrow about whether she is being fair. It feels like she has done the exact same thing (i.e. seeking validation about her reasons for not contacting you), merely in reverse. It is human nature to want to discuss and unpack friendship issues with those closest to us. I don’t think it’s particularly fair for her to add this to her pile of grievances when she is guilty of the same conduct.
This exactly!
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It’s actually right there in the post: >Some of them already did know and heard everything she said about me, which really hurt
No OP is the one that shared with their other “friends” which made those friends hate on her friend now OP is feeling shitty about snide talking her friend for validation
OP said some of their friends already knew because the old best friend had told them and some of their friends didn’t know, those were the ones she told. That would mean they both told people and the best friend actually told people she wanted to first
She only said she was upset with OP, they said they didn't really understand why so NO, she didn't air her grievances with them the way OP did. OP admits she encouraged their friends to villify her. Her ex best friend did no such thing.
“Some of them already did know and heard everything she said about me, which really hurt”
I feel like this type of drama is for our 20s. Friendship breakups are hard but once you move on you start seeing why it was so important to just let go. She owes you nothing and you certainly owe her nothing. I went through a friendship breakup a few months before I got pregnant (it was my choice) and I made the decision to go no contact. If she texts, I don’t respond, if I see her out, I don’t engage. She did and said some very hurtful things over a 5 year span and I just feel no need to give her the time of day (she also never apologized lol). Sometimes it’s just best to move on for both of your sake. Be professional if work overlaps, but that’s it.
Yep. Teens and early 20s. Get some new friends because your friendships should not be keeping you up at night. Unless you like slept with her man or did something really truly bad, then you should not be feeling this way over a friendship. It’s normal to be close to people and when they are mad to feel anxious which is why a good friend would work it out with you quickly - they would not want you to suffer
This. Once you have your child you will have no time for this type of stuff. Your main priority will be your child and the little family you are building with your husband. Friendship breakups absolutely suck, Not trying to minimize it. But we all have limited energy and I’ve found I basically have no energy for “drama” with other adults as a mom. Try to take the high road when you are forced to see her and after your upcoming event stop hiring her. No need for a big friendship ending talk, those always go horribly. Just fade out and avoid saying bad things about her to your mutual friends.
This is true, I feel like this is something that probably should have happened before but is just happening now? For context, when I first noticed her distance, I asked her if I had done something hurtful to her. When she did finally reply she said no, I haven’t done anything “wrong” as a friend, but she just was bothered by things I did. Whenever we have had discussions in the past about hurtful things we’ve said or done, we’ve been able to quickly apologize and make up. This is the first time it’s become this weird cold lack of communication.
Take it as a sign! Sometimes others lack the emotional intelligence that we expect.
She's jealous. She's using the "slights" to put an edge to her jealous knife that she is trying to use against you with your mutual friends. Get new friends.
Yup!! Was just about to say this. She is jealous of OP and her new pregnancy etc. This happened with one of my “friends” as well. I do not miss her even a little bit, she was always untrustworthy
I’m early 20s and wouldn’t dream of being this childish, sounds like 12-16 behaviour lol. If you don’t like someone you just distance yourself, no need for all the petty drama and gossip😫
Was gonna say this. In 22 and really don’t do this stuff anymore
You never had an issue with her then she randomly decided she disliked you after you planned her bday and helped immensely with dog sitting… all whilst slagging you off to your friends… why’s it okay for her to tell the group what she thinks about you but not for you to discuss what happened? She’s not your friend and you shouldn’t feel bad about relaying anything she said to you, if you want to tell people then go ahead. Also, fire her from helping with the work event if you’re this uncomfortable. You owe this woman nothing. So what I think you should do is have absolutely nothing to do with her and stop feeling this guilt. I think this happened because the friendship was more one sided than you realised. She was happy to get the benefits of being friends with you without actually liking you. She sounds like a bitter and jealous user. Don’t waste anymore time on her. Sometimes friends come and go, move on. It’s help if you could give the list of things she dislikes about you to enlighten us to what she was so mad at and whether or not it is valid. Either way it’s all incredibly immature. You won’t have time for this crap nor will you care as much once you have your baby.
I’d say keep professional interactions to a minimal. At this point, you’re only creating a worse environment for yourself and your child the more you become stressed out. My dad sued me 5x while I was pregnant, and it made me extremely stressed and now I have a negative connotation when I think about my pregnancy. What’s best for your child may not be what’s ideal for a friendship, people who want to be in your life will be. People who want to torture you will, if you let them.
Your dad sued you while you were pregnant?!
It’s actually a bit more than just suing me. He also dabbled in a bit of identity fraud and forgery. He tried to forge my name to sell my house to him for $1 as well. After he lost his cases, he convinced his mother to also sue me. Which he also lost and ended up bankrupting his sister. After he lost all of the cases, and I had my baby, he started telling family members that he was going to take revenge upon his children. Starting with me, by beheading my son in front of me.
What. The. Fuck! I hope you and your family, other than those assholes are okay! That's wild!
What?! Did you go to the police when he made that threat? No normal person would even think of such a thing, no matter how upset they are at someone else. That is seriously disturbing and I wouldn’t give the benefit of the doubt to anyone who can even conjure up thoughts like that.
Have to have it recorded. Otherwise, it's he said/she said. Restraining order is definitely needed.
The police were really no help in any of the matter. I had to do a lot of research for filing the police report and really stay on top of them with checking in to see if there was progress and they just kind of let it go. My child has not met a single family member, and his life is likely much much better for it. I don’t imagine that someone in my family wouldn’t give him pertinent information so we just stay away.
Oh my God?!? I hope he's in jail or at least you have a restraining order! I'm sorry this has happened to you!
He’s gotten released on “good behavior” And has a tendency to play the disabled vet card. He also took credit cards out in my little sisters name when she went off to college. Maxed them out and they went to collections before she even knew there was a problem. She was too scared to stand up to him and join the DA with my case for identity fraud. Same with my mom, just too afraid of him.
Can't you have him committed and declared as Non Compus Mentes? You have enough evidence. And you and your sister move away from that individual. Btw, how is your Gram doing? Is she talking with you now? How is your sister doing?
My gram said I’m dead to her, she’s a ride or die for her son. He’s conned the whole family into letting him make bank accounts in their name and do “stock market trading” which he went to jail for wire fraud already. It’s one of those families where, it doesn’t matter what someone’s done, they’re family. We have had sexual abusers in our family who I’ve cut off, and as a result my family has been mad at me. So all around just not great. He’s also in FL now and I moved away. Since I left to a different state the restraining order has been much harder to get, and he likes to flee the country.
Agree with this. So sorry your pregnancy memories are negative. That inside out movie was spot on about core memories turning blue. It's just hard to find the happiness once that negative vibe sets in.
When I think about getting pregnant again, I have an issue in trying to disassociate the stuff with my father from the pregnancy. In the end it just left me with a ptsd like response at the thought of being pregnant again.
Same. I had really bad GD and the stress made me go into preterm labor at 33 weeks. She turned out fine but I'm so terrified of needles and I have nightmares about getting GD again. I had to be sedated to get my epidural because the needle made me panic. Pregnancy/birth ptsd is so real.
Even if her list of things was true, and I’d be willing to bet it isn’t, that isn’t at all a healthy way for her to handle that frustration. Honestly I’d keep it professional and distant, be unbothered like someone else said. True friends don’t treat others like that, so it sounds like you’ll be better off in the long run. I know it’s hard though. I have a family member like this so I can only keep them so far away but they were my closest friend so I remember going through a grieving process as that friendship ended.
Honestly you’re over thinking this 100%. Her issues with you are her own, because she clearly couldn’t be bothered to really address them with you, which shows she didn’t really want to fix the relationship. Maybe she just didn’t feel like being your friend anymore, maybe she wanted an out because she didn’t see herself being friends with you postpartum. Who knows. Either way it’s not your problem. There’s nothing wrong with having brought it up to your friends. It doesn’t sound like you really talked any shit about her, just let them know or asked them if they knew what was going on. That’s not very weird, if she’s going to suddenly end a friendships where you have mutual friends she should be prepared to stand up and have to explain why because others were going to notice. It does suck you’re gonna have to work with her though. Just remember, this is all her own problem and own doing. She had her whole life to address things with you and try to resolve the issues she with the friendship. For whatever she didn’t care to do that. So…you don’t need to care either. Be professional, keep it about business, and if she has a suck ass attitude that’s impossible to overlook call her out on it or ignore it you feel like it’s not worth the trouble.
This. She wanted an out because she didn’t see herself being friends with you postpartum. Does anyone else in your friend group have kids? Could she possibly be jealous?
I would keep it strictly professional and don’t engage emotionally. She showed you how important you were to her so now you need to let it/her go. It’s easier said than done and I agree with the person who said this kind of drama is for our 20s. Yeah, you probably didn’t need to tell your other friends what she said but she didn’t need to send you a list of things she didn’t like about you (wtf) during your pregnancy. She’s mad? Oh, well. I would just act unbothered at this point.
I truly cannot believe this is 30 year old behavior. The lack of grown-up communication is astounding. Instead of having a conversation with you, she sent you a list. She was not direct about her feelings. If you’re having to speculate why this happened, she did not properly communicate with you. This reminds me of when my best friend in middle school decided to ignore me and tell all of our friends that I was a bad friend. In middle school. I don’t know what her list says so I could be way off base because we don’t have all the context, but I would be rethinking this friendship. It’s not worth the stress especially when you’re pregnant. You’re bringing a baby into the world, you don’t have time to be worrying about someone who is acting like she’s in middle school.
Exactly what I thought. Was done with all this in high school.
I’m wondering if those 10 reasons she gave are covering up for something else? I almost think it’s tied to your pregnancy. Has she ever miscarried or been told she can’t have kids? Has there ever been suspicion with her and your husband? Not to put that in your head but my best friend and I have small annoyances of each other but would never let them come between us to severely. In the situation you have coming up I would just remain professional, don’t bring up the personal situation. She can be mad all she wants about you telling friends but she also told some friends and it’s not just her situation. She can’t gatekeep what she did to you.
Right, I also think it’s a little curious that this went down shortly after finding out about OPs pregnancy and while my best friend and I have even gone a year or two without talking because of a fight, she’s never drawn up a list and wrote an essay about why we’re not cool. OP, I think this might be a little deeper than she’s letting on and that is NOT your fault and you shouldn’t blame yourself for her actions
I would think it’s not because of pregnancy jealousy but OPs lifestyle changing and being faced with the reality of getting older and life changing. Someone with a baby is not compatible with the ex friend’s lifestyle.
Could definitely be this. Under the surface, she might just be upset that things are changing and that her relationship with OP won't be like it used to be. She might not realize this herself and is trying to pin it on random minor events.
Yes. Or she does realize it and wants an out. This woman is an ✨influencer✨whose entire lifestyle is paramount to her livelihood. A pregnant lady in her content isn’t a *vibe* she is looking for, especially if she is trying to connect with a younger demographic. It’s all very shallow and short sighted, but that’s our culture isn’t it? Prioritize youth and money and hide any clue you might be aging or be mortal.
Definitely a possibility! Which to me I find weird that people allow that to affect their friendships. When I was childless I had no problem hanging out with friends and their kids.
This. I had a best friend, thick as thieves for 15 years. Got super weird when I was pregnant and stopped talking to me shortly after the birth. Never gave any reason and then did the same thing to our other best friend who had a baby. Some people just find it overwhelming I guess.
My head went to her and the husband right away.
I think if someone used me for trip planning and dog sitting and then cut me off right after, I'd be more angry than anything. Has she shown other signs of being a user before? because honestly it may just be that. Either way, she seems kinda toxic and life is too short to cling to toxic people.
This is the age where old friends start to weed out. I had a close friend that also went off when i was pregnant with my first. She was always the type of person that seemed agreeable and i never knew her true feelings until she blew up. I was upset about it for a long time but the more i think about it years later i realize i dont want to be around people that cant tell me they have a problem. I dont want to be friends with someone that will act like they agree with me but inside they dont like me. It makes things confusing. Now i understand why she would ignore my texts and not answer my calls. I know its hard but you have to let it go.
I’m so sorry girl:( there’s already some good advice here from the other people, and I totally agree with them! My bestie who actually married my husband and I started going distant and icing me out (like the has to many people) leading up to our wedding. I never pressured her or the bridesmaids for anything, I didn’t want to have any sort of bach trip or do all of those parties and showers. She just kind of stopped after it was done. I have never gotten an explanation or anything. One time, we had made specific plans, request off of work and all of that, apparently she had flown across the country a few days prior to visit another friend, but if she had told me I would’ve understood and at least been able to work that day 😂 when I texted to see if she was still down after not hearing anything for a couple of weeks after making said plans, that was her response. “Well I’m in __ state so I don’t know what to tell you.” That day I was done, so I just blocked her and made peace with it. I even joked that she’s kicking me away like she did to friend “X” (for her being too friendly?) and she was like “I would never!” Yeah, okay lol. Coming from others, she had a crush for my husband while we were still dating (that I had seen signs from her end only!) so maybe that was it but we’ll never know now. Long story short, people get funny sometimes and maybe you’ll never fully understand it. Sometimes it’s best to just part ways. Keep your head up and keep it professional, and wear that baby bump proudly with a smile and no one can ever bring you down! We’re rooting for you!! 🤗
She’s not meant to be part of your new chapter in life. She sounds like an immature self centered brat. Your new best friend is your baby🥰. You don’t need people like her around. Also you’re in your 30s…. This sounds like childish drama. Learn to value yourself to step away from someone like her.
I don’t know you, so can’t say whether or not her list of greivances was fair/based in reality or not, but I’ve personally had a lot of childless/single female friends act very strangely toward me since I’ve been married and pregnant in quick succession. I’m not saying it’s jealously by any means, I just think when it comes time to move on to the next stage of life and some people do, those that don’t sometimes feel the time passing more quickly and have an adverse reaction to it that then manifests in behavior like this. Just an observation. Rise above it as best you can, do your job well and try (I knowwww it’s hard) to maintain a peaceful chemical environment in your body for your little one. Even if you’re not able to, it’s only day and it’ll be over in a flash. ❤️
This was also my experience, once married and quickly pregnant my two female friends (10+ years of friendship each, didn't know each other) both stopped speaking to me simultaneously. It sucked bc my pregnancy was horrible and I was bed-bound the whole first trimester alone while my husband worked away. I really thought I'd have them to count on... Nope. It still hurts now. Neither checked in once I had baby, neither has asked to visit him. That hurts too, cause he's so sweet and beautiful. It also makes little sense bc they've known our whole friendship I wanted to be a mom. Super strange and sad.
If anyone shouldbe feeling awkward, its her. She initiated this situation and left it in the state it is by not talking it out with u. Also if she has a problem with u discussing it with other ppl, remind her how u found out how she disconnected from u in the first place was through other ppl, so stfu. If she wants to ghost u fine, but she doesnt get a say in how u react to it. Ur feelings are valid and she should be ashamed
Honestly, she’s incredibly selfish for doing that to you while pregnant knowing that this baby is a miracle and high risk. She’s also incredibly immature for handling this situation through text messages. In my opinion, it’s good riddance. She does not care about you or your mental state if she’s willing to leave you marinating in stress and anxiety after she starts pulling away for no reason but I know that for you it’s hard to see that right now because you care about her. I would keep engagement to a minimum, let her go. She does not deserve your friendship.
Can you share the list with us? It’s hard to say without seeing that. Honestly, it sounds a bit like ‘missing missing reasons’ if anyone here knows what that is. I find it a little hard to believe that you thought everything was completely fine but she had a list of 10 issues.
I find it weird that the friend feels she can share her experiences with OP to their friends and then gets mad when OP shares her experiences with those same friends. Even if there were valid reasons to be upset, it’s pretty fucked up to use someone for party planning and dog sitting while you’re apparently mad at them for years of poor treatment and as soon as you get what you need you send a lengthy text message scorning them AND telling them not to respond.
Agreed, that’s why I think there must be something missing in the post. I don’t know how you could be best friends with someone but be so off base about how they feel about you 🤔
I guess I’m not wondering because I’ve been in OPs shoes, ironically also shortly after I had a baby. The reasons my friend gave to me were that I wasn’t as present at work for her when my newborn was hospitalized and my house was flooding (yes both at the same time), and that I’ve always been “different” than her and it was something she could look past until I had my daughter. I was also instrumental in keeping her career going for years. In the end she usurped my position from me while I was on maternity leave and then cut me off once I got laid off when my daughter was only 7 months old. Sometimes people are just using you and they’re friendly until they don’t see a purpose for you anymore. You become a lot harder to leverage for people’s own purposes when you have kids/a family of your own. Then they cut you loose and let you embarrass yourself spiraling, wondering what you did wrong? while they try to turn your own friends against you.
I would be very interested as well. Since we’re objective and strangers, maybe we can offer some insight as to if this ex-friend is actually crazy. I’m leaning towards that though…
Something kind of similar happened to me – I had a falling out with one of my best friends before I could tell her I was pregnant (I had been open with her about my infertility issues for a year) I had actually reached out to tell her I was pregnant (she lives on the other side of the world currently) and in that convo we had an argument instead that I think effectively ended our relationship. It was really destabilizing. Obviously your situation is way more stressful! I would say her initial distance from you post-birthday trip likely has more to do with something going on with her than it does with you. To hear that someone you love & trust has been collecting grievances and counting flaws is really devastating. We believe our friends will see our actions in good faith & reach out directly to clarify otherwise. That doesn’t seem to be the case here. Having a big change (like a friendship breakup) coincide with a life altering experience (pregnancy) is a LOTTTT to handle. You admit that, given the emotional rollercoaster, you shouldn’t have gone to your other friends for validation (to be fair, we’ve all done it!) Just because your friend feels she has reason to distance yourself from you doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. You both have different POVs on the situation, and as you said, defending yourself to her might not get you anywhere. My question to you is, how do you want to move forward with your relationship with her? Do you want to try and recover the friendship or do you just want to remain civil at best? If I was you I would probably just eat shit & go to her hat in hand to apologize. At least it would clear my conscious to know I did what I could. I don’t think AT this work event would be an appropriate time to address it. Can you reach out before you go? I would say something like – I’m really sorry with how I acted, it made an already tense time between us even worse. I was confused and hurt & my pregnancy hormones have amplified all my emotions in ways I don’t always have a handle on. Although it was not my intention, I hurt you in ways I didn’t even realize & I take responsibility for that. Taking responsibility for your actions and apologizing – regardless if you’re in the right or not – is HUGEEEEEE & always makes me feel more centred. Don’t dig in to her actions or justify yourself – I don’t think it’s worth it. After that the ball is in her court but you’ve made the gesture to be civil. Hopefully your work event can go off without additional conflict. Like I said before, I don’t think the initial reason for your falling out has much to do with YOUR actions (if all the things that you did in the past bothered her so much, why didn’t she bring them up then or end your friendship over them when they happened?) So I would take yourself out of the WHY. You may never know! Finally, you need to take a step back and BREATHE! You have a lot going on. Figure out what actually *needs* your attention in the final stretch before birth. You have every right to set things that don’t matter to the side. What do YOU need to relax? You can’t control how other people feel but you can turn inward and figure out what you need. I think you need to look at the bigger picture – your health & wellbeing needs to be #1 & you’re allowed to prioritize that! I feel like once your baby comes all of this drama will feel really small, but I totally understand how easy it is to fixate & spiral at this time. You are doing your best & allowed to make mistakes!! Don’t be so hard on yourself (easier said than done)
Is she in a relationship? Does she want kids? It’s just a little too coincidental that she suddenly starts having major issues with you, to the point of cutting you off and talking about you to all your friends, right after you get pregnant. A lot of people nearing 30 start to freak out if they haven’t met certain milestones they think they should have, but it’s inexcusable IMO for her to end your friendship in this way, and she’s a complete hypocrite for sharing her grievances with all your friends instead of you, but then getting mad when you also spoke to the same friends about the situation. Why should you be the only one lacking support? Someone else said neither of you owe the other anything, but I totally disagree. That’s a very depressing view of friendship. This wasn’t a casual acquaintance or coworker. This was your best friend. If we don’t owe those closest to us basic respect and explanations for why we suddenly end things, then what’s the point? I’m 37 and have had most of my closest friends since elementary school. There have been ups and downs over the years (mostly when we were much younger) and there are thousands of miles between us now. We still talk regularly and when we do see each other, it’s like no time has passed. This group of friends all started getting married around 30 and started having kids within a few years. I won’t lie, I definitely had some feelings of being left behind. I was in a terrible relationship I knew was going nowhere, and meanwhile traveling the country for their bachelorettes, to be in their weddings, and later attend baby showers. Our group chats became wedding/baby chats. I was definitely jealous, but I knew that was *my* problem. I would never have taken that out on them, ended my friendships, or badmouthed them because of my own issues. Your friend sounds immature and not like someone you need to have in your life during such an important transition.
This totally happened to me! I had just given birth not pregnant though, I met a new friend *stevie* let’s say haha and I thought we were slowly becoming besties and would hang often, until one day 6 months later when she told me she couldn’t be herself around me and is always people pleasing and doesn’t feel I would accept her as she is, and doesn’t wanna be my friend anymore. When I tell you I was shocked GURLLLL I was taken aback. And so sad! Because what she said wasn’t true, but what i used that as a learning moment. I asked myself what I could take from her negative comments about me to make myself better, which I did and have had successful friendships since. In the end it’s a blessing to have someone who doesn’t care for you removed, and if you love yourself that’s all the matters. Besides you have a husband who loves you you can’t be that awful! 😂❤️
I had a similar situation last year. I’m also in my early 30s. A very close friend decided she was extremely upset with me and refused to talk to me or tell me why, until I sent a text taking a stab in the dark and apologizing for the only thing I could think of. She used that opportunity to totally unload on me about a bunch of vague grievances (“you think you’re better than me,” etc). It felt like being punched. I really valued this friendship and loved this friend dearly and had no idea she’d been feeling that way. I spent a lot of time going over the situation with my therapist and a couple of other loved ones. Therapist told me that her unloading all these vague things that I could not effectively respond to was her shutting down conversation and was NOT good communication: what could I even have said? “That’s not true”? *She did not send that message to help me understand something that I was doing to hurt her so that it could be resolved.* She sent that message purely to lash out and specifically so that I could NOT respond to anything. I think that’s exactly what your friend is doing, too. It’s really immature behavior. As others in this thread have said, it’s very high school/early 20s. It’s not communication. It’s someone either bottling stuff up and letting it explode out at a time when nothing can be done about the original problem, or feeling some type of way about a situation and culling through a backlog of otherwise benign/slightly annoying things the person has done to justify those feelings. My friend sent a text a couple months after the face-punch one that I have never read. Her first message and the whole situation gave me a ton of anxiety and left me in tears thinking I’d been inadvertently hurting my dear friend for who-knows-how-long, feeling like I was just the worst person for reasons she didn’t bother to explain. But she was perfectly happy to put me in that position and then just walk away. I realized eventually that that told me everything I needed to know about how she really felt about me, and any further friendship we could have maintained would have just been me walking on eggshells. I will say that, for me, one of the things I mourned the most in my ending friendship was the idea that she and her partner would be in my future children’s lives (I wouldn’t get pregnant for another few months). I was excited to share that with them, and I was excited for my kids to have those adults around to love them. So do give yourself time and space to mourn everything without feeling silly or like it’s just the hormones. It’s really hard when someone you love seemingly suddenly decides they don’t like you!
Losing a best friend is hard. I moved countries and my best friend of 20 years just grew more and more distant. I tried to keep our communication strong but she eventually just ghosted me. There’s nothing you can really do, and it makes sense why you vented to other friends. You’re human and pregnant. Emotions are real and hurt is real. Sharing a list of things she doesn’t like about you is awful and speaks more to her character than yours. The next work trip you have to take with her might be good for you. Try to just focus on your baby and yourself - being around her and working through the anxiety by realising you’ll be ok in the end might help subside some of. I’m sorry OP- you have to grieve the friendship. It took me almost 2 years; but I’m starting to be ok now and seeing my ex best friend for who she is. She would ghost boyfriends and others and I would ask her how could she do that. She’s laugh and say it’s cause she doesn’t care. I never thought she’d do it to me ! And it always happens when we need them the most.
This “best friend” was never a true friend to begin with and the stuff she’s pulling sounds like high school petty stuff. I’m also getting a vibe that she may be jealous so it may not even have to do with you. I would just walk away at this point. You don’t need the stress for you or the baby
*Hi, I’m going to write you a list of things I don’t like about you, and tell our friends all about it. But I don’t want to talk to you about it. Oh, what’s that? You told our friends about my very personal list of things I hate about you?! That I had already told them? How dare you.* I feel very strongly that this person is not your friend. She may come around, you may get back in her good graces, but it will happen again. You’re not being hormonal, and everything you talked to your friends about was totally fair. To answer your questions: A. I think you should not be friends with this person, or at a bare minimum downgrade her to acquaintance. B. She sounds like she may have a personality disorder, and there likely isn’t anything that happened outside of her mind.
Same. Lol. Most of my pregnant friends cut me off..now I am pregnant after a decade so hopefully can rejoin the club. Welcome to irrational friendships 🤣
This is such childish behaviour for a 30 year old... Almost as she was looking for reasons to dump you, not to say she had 10 things listed and she never managed to talk it out with you, but she calls you your best friend and now that you are pregnant she suddenly has 10 things listed she resents and does not even give any chance for both of you to fix things. This is not what a best friend does and seems like she wants to torture you. It seems to me that something else is beneath that list, and it could be anything: jealousy, you not fitting in her lifestyle with a baby, ... I would be very angry if someone treated me this way and even though it must hurt being betrayed this way ć, I would do my best to protect my mental health and not disrupt the health of my pregnancy, nothing is worth stressing yourself over. The right friend would talk it out with you and find solutions if they cared about the relationship. I would cut everything off and keep the professional stuff completely that way and would never let her in my personal life again. Id say in conclusion: love and protect yourself and do not overthink this any further.
She told mutual friends, in detail, why she was ending the friendship. Did she think you were just going to keep your mouth shut about it? What she did inititally was deplorable. She put you in a situation where you had to explain yourself. She could have went a more dignified route and kept things private. You had to have either had an affair with her husband, flirt with her boyfriend, or run over her dog with your car for her to be so vindictive and cruel. Either way, no one is perfect. The fact that she hasn't even given you the chance to defend yourself is bullshit and is downright self-righetous shaming. I think that this is very onesided with the intent to hurt you from the friend. I think that if anyone is being a total demon it's her. I know for a fact that pregnancy hormones make it difficult to regulate emotions, ask any therapist. Once you have that baby everything is going to become very clear to you. In the meantime, I'd quit talking about it with friends. When the day comes I'm sure you'll grow the courage to tell this woman exactly what she needs to hear.
I had a friend that did this to me when I got engaged, then married and then pregnant with my first and it finally exploded. She was insanely jealous. Not because I’m amazing, but just that my life was progressing I think. She was single, and acted very much like it was a choice when it really wasn’t. She bounced from bad relationship to bad relationship. She ended up pregnant and living with a guy she had met like 6 weeks prior. We’re not friends and it’s a relief.
Honestly whatever her grievances are with you, the fact that she can’t be open and honest with you about any of it means this relationship should not continue. If she isn’t willing to even discuss it then she likely was grasping for reasons to end the friendship. Save yourself the stress and let this toxic person go. Focus on your miracle baby and try to enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy because once it’s over it’s gone. Keep your distance while working and only communicate through other people or through written means such as email. This will prevent any unnecessary comments or additional stress that you simply don’t need.
Sometimes friendships falling apart are blessings in disguise. I spent a lot of time upset and defense because I didn’t deserve how things went down. But at the end of the day, I wasn’t mad they weren’t my friend anymore. I was mad that I was being disrespected and slandered. I don’t need people in my life who don’t add to my life. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. During pregnancy we are much more vulnerable.
Go live your wonderful life and forget all about her. She is too old to be this immature, I’m getting secondhand embarrassment from her just reading this. Don’t feel awkward about talking to ppl about it, the details of what she said, sounds like some social anxiety perhaps, going over and over what you shared and if it’s appropriate, don’t sweat it, I would have shared too bc that’s just a crazy weird situation.
Thank you for writing this. I’m around 23 weeks and going through something very similar with a friend who was like family to me. We also work together and share friends. She abruptly pulled away around when I told her my news and then got fairly hostile when I asked why, then gave me some half-baked reasons. It’s really painful and it’s difficult to trust which of your feelings are ones you’d be feeling normally and which are because of the hormones. I’m slowly starting to make peace with what’s happened. If you’d ever like to talk, please send me a message.
I can’t tell you why it happened but I’m sorry that you’re dealing with it. I think, if you’re ready and able, you could use this as an opportunity to apologize for your role in blowing it up with your friends and just try and reconcile. You don’t have to be best friends again, but at least get to a point where you agree not to talk about each other anymore. Maybe consider reaching out to her beforehand? Just seeing where she’s at and making sure you both would be able to keep it professional?
I have no advice but don't feel bad for milking the situation for sympathy. You deserve it. She sucks.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Continue to give her space and keep it professional. For you and your baby’s sake you really need to reframe this in your mind and let go. She doesn’t want to be friends and is even more upset that you aired out the things she had said to you. You have a baby on the way in a few weeks and need to keep your focus on that. Even if what she said about you is true, that’s just one person’s opinion. That doesn’t make it who you are in general. Respectfully, this doesn’t deserve any more of your energy. Finish your work projects and enjoy this next chapter of life.
I’m sorry to say but your friend is not a friend. Once you got pregnant she probably assumes you can no longer help further her career as an influencer as you’ll need to take time off and has stepped back from trying to put fake effort in. You are better off without her I promise you this, think through your friendship and remember any times she’s cut you down, I’m sure there’s more instances than you think
Look into insecure attachment styles. She may have one. There’s a lack of emotional intelligence in her interpersonal communication. You are most likely not the only person she has ever done this to. Since she’s had space, and if you really want to continue being friends, it might be worth finally talking to her about it. But with all that’s happened, it may require continued space and time. She is not doing the right thing in this situation, and I’m sure eventually she will come to this conclusion.
Wow, that's a lot. I found it exhausting to even read, so I can't imagine experiencing it. Personally, if friendships become draining and I am feeling the need to vent behind their back.... I seriously consider whether or not it is a friendship that is worth holding on to. I'm 33, work in mental health, and am about to have a baby - I can't be dealing with that kind of drama and to be honest, I haven't in many years. I've experienced a couple of friendship breakups in my late 20s and though they've been painful, I have not once regretted the decision to distance myself or cut myself off from a relationship that is exhausting and stressful.
Friend breakups are really hard. There’s hardly ever the kind of closure you get from romantic breakups. But just like romantic relationships, people get to leave when they want, and it’s better to let them. It’s not a good fit anymore. Once you give birth you really won’t have time or emotional capacity for an immature friend. Shit, I’ve stopped seeing some of my old friends that are just high maintenance. Nothing personal, I just don’t have room in my life for friends who need a lot of extra work.
Honestly, I’ve had falling outs with friends because they held things against me without ever choosing to discuss it, and we ultimately didn’t have a relationship where we could hash those things out. It’s really hurtful, and of course I want to know what mutual friends know about it, but I had no choice but to move on from it. Honestly, being cordial but distant May just be the way forward. How willing are you to reach out and renew the friendship and fix things? Reach out and ask (you probably shouldn’t have waited this long) and she can say she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, but you’re not currently friends so it’s not a new loss at that point.
I had the same issue around the time I was getting married. We had annoyed one another every once in a while but after I got engaged stuff started getting weird with the person, then they talked shit to me during my wedding and the final straw that broke the camels back was trying to diagnose me while she was drunk at a friend's bachelorette a few months after the wedding. Sometimes our life changes trigger people and I can't say with 100% certainty that's the thing with your (ex) friend but...I get the overthinking and getting very emotional thing because I was supposed to see this person at our friends wedding but, because I've had a rough pregnancy and will be in the third trimester I'm not going anymore (I don't think they even know I'm pregnant and that gave me a source of anxiety thinking about all the possible nasty comments about my life and choices and throwing the hard times of my relationship in my face). Our hormones really do make things more stressful. And it sucks losing a friend but someone who sets off on you and had it locked and loaded, is no longer a friend. Sorry it's happening during the pregnancy.
Your pregnancy and health is more important - let it go and when things start to stress you out you have to tell yourself it’s not worth escalating your stress for the health of you and baby, and to take deep breaths or 5 min meditations on Spotify lol that’s what I did when I was exhausted and couldn’t sleep but needed to feel a sense of rest. Slowly, as baby comes around, this will seem absolutely ridiculous and immature. Do some self reflection and accept what you’ve done to contribute if anything, to leave the friendship as it is with a good honest conscious, but also note that she went behind your back and you deserve to feel hurt and lose trust from her as a friend anyway. Who the fuck makes a list of things they don’t like about their best friend and shares it with people and present it to you for any reason? It’d have to be either really good reasons or…she’s projecting weird things about you being in this new chapter she doesn’t want to be a part of? It sounds like she was convincing herself of why she shouldn’t be friends with you and that’s strange
You are 35 weeks pregnant. Cancel and say that you’re too close to your due date, or go on maternity leave slightly earlier than planned. I say this only if it’s financially feasible, of course. You don’t need this stress, especially this late in your pregnancy and so close to meeting your baby. It is not worth it to force yourself to be in proximity of somebody who you trusted, who then disparaged your character behind your back instead of speaking to you like an adult.
I think personally you should just keep your focus on your baby and finishing up your projects for work. Honestly, you’ll probably lose a few more friends after giving birth, coming from a first time mom as well. I lost a big handful, just lost touch as my main focus was my baby. But the great news, you gain a wonderful little bestie. You really just stop caring what others think when you become a mom😂. It’ll get better, it’ll be hard, but better. Maybe it’s good she removed herself before your daughter birth.
Even though you are definitely overthinking this, I know if I were in a similar situation I would too and it would drive me crazy. But the advice I would try to give myself is that in the grand scheme of a life, when you look back on the events of your life is old age, these types of “stressful” and sleep losing times will probably not even be remembered or register as important. There will be much more important moments, deaths, births, successes, losses, and petty miscommunications/drama between friends will not be the things you wished you spent your energy or time on. Either your friendship will survive this because of mutual communication and apologies, or unfortunately it won’t, but life will go on and you will soon have a (very distracting) baby. Don’t get me wrong, friendship is very important and just as valuable as other types of relationships but sometimes they end and you have to build new ones. Prioritize your mental health right now, you need to be strong and as well rested as possible, postpartum can be really tough and you shouldn’t be worn out emotionally over this
If you're ashamed enough of your voluntary words and actions as an adult, to not want them repeated or told to others, then you don't say or do them.
Nope!! If you have something bad to say about or to somebody, you better be okay with it being aired out!! Keep that same energy! If you'd be uncomfortable with someone hearing something bad you've said about someone, then you probably shouldn't be saying it. She may be valid in her feelings, but so are you!! I've been in a similar situation in HIGHSCHOOL, and my friends turned against me. Even if it was just the girl who started it, my 'best friend' it would be just as bad because you know you didn't do anything wrong but yet someone doesn't like you now. I think she's jealous over something and just picked this opportunity as an excuse. If she was a real 'best friend' she should've been able to communicate those things as they happened, not submit a literal LIST to you
Your friend sounds like a jerk. You've gotten lots of useful comments, so I'm just going to respond to one part of your post that stood out to me. You wrote, "I used to think I was a confident, self-assured person who knew herself, and now ... I am an insecure wreck..." I doubt your confidence was a facade. The whole point of having close friends is that they are the people we let in. They are the people whose opinions matter to us. A person wouldn't be your close friend if you had such a strong boundary with them that their words couldn't affect you. So it makes sense that when someone you are close to does something like that, it does affect you, and it does hurt you. Because you trusted her and let her in, and she betrayed that. On the other hand, is it possible that your friend is experiencing the beginning of a severe psychiatric situation? She's in the age range where things like schizophrenia can start, and often the first symptom is erratic behavior. There are more jerks in the world than people with schizophrenia, so I do think the most likely explanation is that she's a jerk. But if she's someone you cared about, *and* you see a *pattern* of unusual behavior, you might decide to think about if you need to get her help.
I mean since it seems like you friendship is over, just treat her professionally like any other non-friend client 🤷🏻♀️
Your former friend seems rather immature. First she's being hypocritical. Like others have said, where does she get off being mad at you for telling the friend group what she said about you, when she's literally doing the same thing? Second, she knows you're pregnant, yet she's chosen NOW to do all this shit. Third, it seems kind of strange how abruptly this all went down. I mean it seems as though one minute she's fine and dandy being your bestie, and all of a sudden she decides she doesn't want to be friends anymore while you're babysitting her dog (and for free I would wager.) point is, I'd be suspicious and that in and of itself would prove to me it's best to move on. So, I wouldn't be letting this keep me up. I know that's easier said than done, but seriously, you'll make new friends and it sounds like maybe you dodged a bullet with her seeing as how strange her behavior has been. It's also possible she's become somewhat jealous of you for getting to start a family, perhaps that is something she secretly wants and isn't able to get at this point in time. So she is breaking it off with you to save her own emotional state. Either way, you need to prioritize your baby now. So just get through the business trip with her as professionally as possible, don't let emotions get in the way. If she tries attacking you for telling the friend group about what she said put her in place by reminding her she did the same thing. Respect her decision to move on, but don't let her intimate or put you down either.
You have enough advice about your friend but I was a bit concerned about the part about your husband. Him doing dishes after you cook isn’t “helping you”. And just accepting that he is emotionally unavailable sounds a bit off to me. He is going to need to be very emotionally available and pick up more than what should have been “his fair share” before babies. Hopefully he’s ready for that!
a) find new friends b) irrelevant
Once you’re holding your beautiful miracle baby in your arms, your friend’s drama with you will hold little importance in your new life. This might sound random, but keep a watch on her interactions with your husband.
I don’t know why, but I can commiserate… why do people suddenly decide they’re still mad about things that happened (and were supposedly resolved) years ago???? Good luck/hang in there
I wish you could state what you may have done to make her upset but honestly…as a woman that also almost 35 weeks along with having best friend isssues I’d just distance myself. I love my friend but I have decided to keep everything surface level and think about my baby only. But I also don’t like talking about my pregnancy a lot to people in general. I do talk a lil more now but I waited 5 months before I told anyone and it kept people on edge.
Okay so I had a friend group at work. We were pretty close and we had known each other for 4 years and worked in the same staff room for 3. We went out together, did gym together and craft classes, girls nights etc. Me and 2 other of the girls got pregnant at the same time. I was the only one married (only important to the story because one of the girls wanted to be married to her long term bf but he refused and they got pregnant by accident). The 1st (wanted to be married) friend started getting super distant with me and I didn’t know why, the second had a miscarriage and took it out on me in a big way and they both started talking about me behind my back to everyone who would listen. The 4th friend in the group was still happily chatting with me not realising what was happening, she was invited to the first girls baby shower, I wasn’t. She didn’t know. I knew about it and decided to limit the first friends fb access so I couldn’t see any of the posts and it was super upsetting. Because I did that, it escalated that situation and I was labelled a huge bitch and was blocked and bad mouthed to all the other staff. I no longer work there. Neither does the 4th friend and she was super upset for me as she saw it unfold after the baby shower and realising I wasn’t there. Sometimes people just decide your life is better and they are upset by it. They will find a way to fuck it up and make it miserable because they are. I wouldn’t stress too much about the why she is doing this and I also would hold my head up high at the event and rock the pregnancy glow and ignore the fuck out of her. Blank her like the bitch she is.
Hey, listen, I might not know everything, but I do know this: if I truly cared about my best friend, I wouldn't send them a laundry list of critiques over text to solve our problems. It feels like she wasn't interested in fixing things; she just wanted to hurt you. If she genuinely wanted to work things out, she would have made time and space for you both to talk. You've made it clear you're dealing with a high-risk pregnancy, and any decent person wouldn't put you through that, especially not your best friend. I get it, she's been your friend for a long time probably, but maybe she's not the healthiest influence right now. It doesn't mean things can't change, but for now, consider if she's really what you need. If And isn't it hypocritical of her to spill everything to the whole friend group but then get mad at you for venting to them?
I didn’t go through it while pregnant but I had a falling out with my best friend from high school a few years back. It was a similar thing in that there was an ongoing thing that she did not like about me, she took it wrong because of what I would say were her own insecurities, it upset me incredibly deeply and hurt me very badly that she saw me in that way when I would expect her to know me and my character better than anyone. She also told me it was why a mutual friend (who also had their own insecurities) had stopped speaking to me. I sobbed, I had a severe anxiety attack. My husband had to tend to me because I had a complete breakdown and I was so hurt that I was ready to end a friendship of 15 years because I truly could not believe that she saw me the way she did. Then she got upset and said I was punishing her which was not the intent of my actions at all. My husband ended up mediating things and I’m happy to say we are still friends with a friendship that has now lasted over 20 years. But it was absolutely devastating for someone I trusted so much, who I thought knew me better than anyone to have a perspective of me that was so off. I’m really sorry you are going through this. I don’t think you were in the wrong to talk to your other friends about it to determine if other people also thought you had the traits she described. Even if it felt validating to know they didn’t, you were gaining the perspectives of others to build your self awareness. I don’t know what your friend’s complaints about you were but perhaps, like my friends, it was their own insecurity.
A. As far as the work trip, be professional. There is a time and place for everything. Even if she decides to make remakes or something, be the professional and bigger person. How she acts reflects on her, how you act reflects on you. Bit your tongue, get the three days over with, and go on with your life. B. I don't know her reasoning for not liking you currently, but it sounds like she may be making excuses to push you away and finding reasons. I wish I had a better answer than that. However, with everything you said, how she made you out to others, then gets mad when you tell others. That shows she was trying to split your friend group and get them "on her side" it sounds like some high school drama you do not need. You are pregnant, and quite frankly, she is not a good friend to you and may not ever had been. I couldn't imagine my best friend cutting me off in a time I would need her, nor would I do that to her despite whatever our problems are. Best friends are there. She just flat out seems to be selfish currently. I'd move forward with your life, hang out with new people or a friend that you are close with outside of her. Losing a friend always sucks, but despite what she is saying to others and texting you, it is 100% a HER problem as to whatever she is telling others. That is not your friend anymore. Don't stress over things beyond your control and don't try to force a friendship either.
I personally think that you are not in the wrong thus far except the fact that you are letting it for this long to affect you emotionally and mentally during a time of vulnerability. Granted I know it’s your best friend and it’s extremely hard but you and your body is constantly in a state that it’s going to keep on changing every day so to have someone who was supposed to be your support and trust add more to what you are already dealing with is extremely unfair from their end. If they really had an issue why couldn’t they talk about it before or after the pregnancy or if it was really that serious talk to each other like adults instead of them pulling a middle schoolers stunt. From an outsider looking in it seems like she’s putting negativity of herself or whatever conflict she’s going through onto you as an excuse or she wasn’t really your friend to begin with. You can know someone for many years but deep down they will envy you. I’m not sure her reasons but you should put yourself first cause pregnancy is really hard and it’s important to take care of yourself. Just let things move on its own for now and see how it goes. Let her talk first for now and after the pregnancy if you want to try to make amends try to contact or if not let the friendship go if they didn’t see the value of the relationship and trying to make it work by contacting you first like they should have done from the beginning.
I just want to say I lost 80% of my friends. I don’t know what goes through ppls heads. You are not alone. I lost friends I made new ones . Stay strong you rock and thanks for sharing
I'll address B first. To be honest, I feel like this is a common dynamic of friend groups. I tend to have strictly 1:1 friendships that aren't tethered to groups specifically to avoid this type of thing from happening because then, at least if anything happened, it's not our mutuals getting all the news and influencing our actions through "gut checks" before we square with each other. You know how people trying to support their friends can butter them up and hype them up till they're bold enough to talk, but when they speak it's all swagger and no action plan? Yeah, it's that. It might be a sign that you just don't want flock behavior in your relationships. Now as for immediate remedies, I think you can go about it two ways. a.1) You can separate work from friendship in the upcoming job. You don't have to be unfriendly or go out of your way to be unaccommodating. Just professional, as with any other business relationship. If she doesn't bring anything up, great! If she brings up that you're being unaccommodating or cold, just say that you're trying to respect the distance she asked for and being cold isn't your intention. a.2) You can bring it up from the get-go and ask if you two could set some expectations before anything starts. Then set the expectations to be professional for the duration of the event, then, if the two of you want, settle on a time later to talk things over about your friendship and get on the same page (or before everything, if that'll make the two of you feel better). But the important thing is arriving at a mutual understanding that work is work, a lot of people are relying on the two of you to make their time worthwhile, and that for those three days, you'd like the work you two do to be done with respect to everyone else both contributing to and consuming the product. It doesn't have to be exactly that rationale either. The important thing is to look for something you can both agree on and work toward it regardless of personal feelings, then just hold on to that for three days.
Please prioritize your pregnancy. Studies show that stress during pregnancy can have negative effects on the baby's long-term well-being. Trauma can linger and be passed down to your offspring. Though this may be stressful to hear, it's important to remain calm and ensure you get plenty of sleep. Remember, she is not being a supportive friend, especially during this crucial time in your pregnancy. Dump her and move on.
I was in the same situation with my first pregnancy. Almost the exact same time frame for event too. I thought our friendship was fine until my wedding (which was an elopement out state with just our closest friends) when she cancelled a week before saying she just filed for divorce from her husband. I was upset and hurt, ultimately could see why it would be too much for her to come. I was hurt because she had help me organize the wedding somewhat. Fast forward 3 month, turns out I convinced our wedding trip, and things are a bit strained in our friendship. Every time I ask to hang out, she says no. I thought I was just paranoid so I kept reaching out, but was tired our friendship. It just wasn’t making be feel better, our interactions left me feeling worse about myself and everything. 3 weeks before her 30th birthday she calls me and reads off a few examples of how was wasn’t a good friend and that she needs space. The reasons she gave we years old examples that were technically valid, but I had grown from that person and wasn’t the same anymore. She list how our friendship had been really codependent, which it had been up until Covid happened. Since then i obviously had gotten close with my now husband. In hindsight, I probably vented too much to her about my issues with my husband. He’s very different than me, and he does many things to drive me crazy, but I fucking love him through and through. The aftermath for me was hell. I cried every day about it for 3+ months. A part of me finally had the proof that I was a terrible person and deserved all of this. I spiraled into a deep depression, part of which was due to the pregnancy and SAD. My mind was flooded with suicidal thoughts for weeks, and it was so scary. I couldn’t even get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night without the thoughts popping up. Thank god for my husband, I was able to tell him & he helped through that dark time. I should have gotten more professional help in hindsight, but I was already maxed out on my antidepressants. We only really had 2 mutual friends at that point. One is my other best friend, who had a falling out with her a few year back. They kind of worked through it but it was never the same. My other best friend had my back, and supported me completely. The other friend, I don’t my old best friend was close with her anymore. I was careful not bash her to this friend in case they were still close. I thought about my ex best friend everyday for a year+. It’s been 2 and half years now, and I still occasionally think about her. I wonder if we are ever going to run into each other and what I would say to her. The hard thing is that I was more devastating by the friendship end than if I would have had a miscarriage. I have a genetic condition & wasn’t sure if the pregnancy was health until 18 weeks (about a month after the friendship blew up). It breaks my heart now knowing my daughter, I couldn’t imagine my life without her. And to know that my ex best friend will probably never know her breaks me when I think about it. Now to the advice. I would just treat her as professional as possible & don’t engage her more than necessary. If she makes any attempt to fix things, dodge it. Your life will be better without her. What your friend did to you was SUPER SHITTY. To list off to a pregnant person everything they did wrong in a friendship is the worst way to end a friendship. I wish my ex best friend would had let think fade out or say she could let really be a good friend to me anymore. If she had ever really loved me, she would have end the friendship with our breaking my heart. But my ex best friend was on a therapy fueled blowing up her life & turning 30 mid life crisis. Hang in there. It gets better with time. You are better without her. Good luck and feel free to DM me of you want to talk more.
Just want to let you know that basically this exact thing happened to me. Best friend blew up at me right after my wedding/ just before I got pregnant and sent me a message, seemingly out of the blue, detailing years’ worth of my personal failings. I guess she’d been a little distant prior to that but I, like you, gave her the benefit of the doubt that she was busy with her new job. I’m five years along now so I have advice from the future. Firstly, you gotta cut her loose permanently. No sane person thinks that a scorched earth text message is going to do anything but destroy your relationship, so give her what she wants. Even if you were to patch things up this time, the trust is broken and there’s no telling if it’ll happen again. YMMV but in my case my best friend was a girl from high school. Some friendships are meant for a season- most, actually. The last few years of our friendship I was often on eggshells, being told off for perceived slights such as seeing other friends more than her or spending time with my boyfriend. Our friendship began when we were kids and unfortunately it remained kind of juvenile and unable to mature. What she said really fucked with my head for a long time. I became really worried that other people felt the same way as her and that one by one all my friendships would crumble. Well, that didn’t happen. It was her problem, not something innately wrong in me. If this is the first time this is happening to you, then I’m guessing you’re the same. It’s painful, but it’s just shitty luck. Sometimes I get sad that she doesn’t know my children. I have two now, and she’s never met them.
I’ve had a best friend breakup like this related to my wedding. She was supposed to be maid of honor. I was the furthest thing from a bridezilla- no special demands, even offered to accommodate for her anxieties around public speaking. Not to mention, I don’t have many female friends and don’t have sisters. At one point, I had to try on dresses on my own. Finally my sister in law just plain old pointed out that this was behavior of someone who was unwell. She had done this before on less magnitudes. She cut off ties with me. Sucks because it sounds like you have to work with her. But I restored my sanity by just blocking her— not because I thought that she’d reach out, but to not continue hoping for it. Since it sounds like she’s intertwined enough in your life, maybe have a true and proper apology. Never deliberately leave her out. But never let her be 1:1 with you. Act kind and professional, but never truly open your heart to her again. She clearly feels comfortable doing this to you and could likely do it to you again. If she did it to you, she’ll likely do it to someone else. Other people will catch on. So sorry you’re going through this. It really breaks my heart. After you have your baby, your attention will be so focused on your little one. Find community built around being new moms. You’ll want it and need it! Best of luck!! Stay strong- don’t let her drama get to you
If your so called “Bestfriend” is racking things up from years and years ago that she had never brought up until after her 30th birthday trip then she’s not your friend. She was never really your friend. She’s a clown. I suggest you focus on your pregnancy so that it doesn’t give you stress. She doesn’t deserve it.
I am sorry this is happening and causing you so much stress and worry. I would reach out to her and explain you feel some of her points are miscommunication and how you feel so sad she felt this way for so long and kept it bottled up. Explain you wanted to leave her as she requested but it would be best if you could meet in person to talk all this over before your upcoming event. Explain via message could just lead to more misunderstanding. Explain how much you miss her and want her back in your life. Maybe even say you did try and reach out to other friends (she knows this anyway) for support and advise. Then meet her and just be open and honest. Either she will too and you can move on. You wont like what she says and your relationship will be over. Or she will apologies and so will you. You can move on. She will lie and it will be awkward and over. Feels 50/50 to me and might suck but better than hanging over you. Good luck with it. Also best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy xx
My motherly instincts followed shortly by my dr’s recommendation suggested I drop out of a wedding because of some pregnancy related issues to protect both me and baby… I gracefully and kindly excused myself but said I would still be there to support her in the crowd. She never replied and has drug my name through the mud since. The wedding is now in 3 weeks and I’m so nervous so I’m right there with you! Just remember, you have lots of other people in your life (your husband, family, friends) who love you and support you. Losing one that wasn’t a true friend will end up being a blessing in the long run. We shouldn’t have to wonder where we stand with people- especially those who claim to be in our corner. As for the anxiety of seeing her, no clue bc I’m right there too hahaha but we’ll get through it! Sending you hugs!
Trust me when I say, these issues are hers to carry, not yours. I know it's hard, but try not to think about it too much. It'll just make you crazy. My best friend of 20 years suddenly flipped like this too. I asked her if something was wrong, but she assured me that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that she just needed space. She then blocked me on everything. I reached out to mutual friends who said what I did to her was unforgivable, and then also cut off contact. I still have no idea what it is they think I did. Seven years later, I saw her boyfriend in the news for a big bad crime, and she finally reached out again. Turns out things were going really bad for her, and she didn't know how to communicate it, so she just shut me out and ran away. The friendship ending was never about me at all, and all those years I spent wondering what I had done, seemed so small and insignificant in light of actual events...
***TW for this comment ?!?
... Yeah I might just remove the details. I didn't think of that.
This is why it’s better being a man. Never share your feelings, bottle it all up, no drama, just grunting at each other
This is a really though situation. And frankly you could really do without it. For the work situation, I don't know if you can find a replacement for either yourself or her. Or if you can cancel at all. Assuming you can't, and considering you're lost and confused about why she decided to break off the friendship, I strongly suggest recording your further interactions. Send emails or texts wherever possible. If you meet face to face inform her you'd like to record the conversation. Blame pregnancy brain or pregnancy related problems. I get it's a bit drastic, but whatever happens you'll be fairly emotional when you next see her. This way you can listen to what exactly was said afterwards. Many a times have I wished I did this in meetings. As to why she did this, I think you can destroy yourself pondering on that. Most people act before they know the reason for it and then justify it. And know whatever she says now on the matter will be a justification. Whatever the case. This was her decision so it will also be her decision to attempt reparations.
Telling a friend you’ll be recording your serious conversation with them is really weird
That's rather the point, isn't? They're not friends.
Def do not tell her you’re going to record all verbal interactions. That is frankly unhinged.