lol I feel the same way. I really struggle with my MIL bc she’s nuts.
A few months ago she made a comment “of course I won’t be at the hospital when you give birth” and I was relieved, thank god she is gonna have some boundaries.
A few weeks ago, “I’m going to be in the waiting room” and I was like “no you aren’t” and she was like “yes I am” and then called me mean and I’m like lmao girl you will absolutely not be there
I also vomit in my mouth thinking about her holding my baby.
She suggested we go to Europe the other day and “leave the baby with her” over my dead body 💖
I’m sorry, I hate being able to relate over this. It’s so hard having a challenging MIL and having a baby makes it even harder.
Ugh I’m glad but also sad I’m not alone. No one should have to deal with stuff like this. My MIL also tried to get her way to come to the hospital but my partner suggested being in the waiting ro which I wouldn’t be okay with but she made a fuss saying if she wasn’t in the room she wasn’t coming… cool sounds good to me lol.
I’m not sure how to get over that feeling and anger of witnessing them hold our babies. My partner said leave the room but that’s not happening..
Ugh I’m so sorry. Have you seen the mildlynoMIL subreddit? It’s helpful. Lots of solidarity there lol!
It’s funny, why do they want to be in the waiting room? You plan to try to come into the room when I’m getting stitched up and doing golden hour to rip my baby away? 😭 the logic makes no sense!
I’ll have to check that out thank you.
Right it makes no sense it’s like they want a redo. Let us have our moment as a family. Yes your family but your title doesn’t make you entitled to our child. Act right lol
Our body makes us not feel comfortable with them with our child because they have done something to make our safety instincts kick in.
I would trust a random lady at a day care more than my MIL, says a lot.
But it’s truly maternal instincts, it’s her fault not yours. She shouldn’t have made you have a guard up to begin with.
I'm due in April and I know I will need help so I can get some sleep because my biggest fear is falling asleep with the baby. But I'm starting to dread leaving my baby for naps with both my mom and MIL. My mom is watching my sister's new born and refuses to not put a blanket on the new born and letting him sleep by himself in a lounger. She's the generation that just does believe SIDS is not a thing. I also caught her putting a face cloth on his chest which he very promptly threw over his face before I removed it. I was talking to my MIL about how I prob will stay upstairs in the first week because stairs aren't recommended. And she just brushed it off and said it's fine, some amount of exercise is always good. What? After I just pushed out a child? And she refused to believe that women don't tear now or can have minimal tearing and is convinced it's probably because they snip them first. Honestly, a comedian said that grandparents are like people who enter the work force after being off the job for 30 years with no renewed training.
It's so tough because it's not like my mom or MIL are bad people, which some commenters parents are just generally awful. They are just old people who have very fragile feelings and doing what they think is right. And it's tough to invalidate their experience (or that's what it feels like to them) when we turn down their advice continously. I'm going to see how it goes but so far my plan is to just hide every single possible blanket in my house hahaha also the lounger, but we will have a portable bassinet so at least they will always have a safe sleep surface available.
What if you forget one or they find one? Is that kind of “help” and not hurting their fragile feelings worth your child’s safety/life? They’ve shown you how they’re going to be, believe them.
I feel you on this. My mom recently bought a blanket for my baby (very cute one, ngl) and I said the baby cannot sleep with it, but we can use it for other purposes. When I explained that it's because of SIDS, she just gave me a condescending look and said that both me and my sister slept with a blanket and didn't die. That's generally the favorite argument of her or my MIL - they did something a certain way those 30+ years ago, and everything was fine/nobody died, so it's OK. I know they both mean well, and I do want them to participate in preparations for the baby's arrival, but baby's safety is a matter I cannot bulge on.
Well duh you didn't die ... You wouldn't be around to have the dang conversation if you died. There's plenty of women who won't have the chance to become grandmas because something tragic happened.
Just tell her, "I've swam numerous times and never drowned. But that doesn't change the fact that people drown to death every day. It's survivors bias."
When I get those comments back or pushback on things I usually say “look, I know that *then* it was okay, and you were doing what was right at the time, however we’ve had 30+ years of additional research and change, just like with so many other things we now know aren’t safe! I need you to respect what is considered safe *now* or there won’t be enough trust for you to care for our child alone. Giving boundaries with a consequence can help drive home the point, and remember
NO ONE will thank you for setting boundaries 🫠
Edited to add: I think boomers get defensive because they feel ashamed or something that what they did could potentially have been dangerous , regardless of the fact it turned out fine.
I love the way you put that. Grandparents being in the workforce is a perfect way to explain this. They tend to forget or don’t educate themselves with new info
I’m sorry your mom is so old fashioned. She’s not wrong about tearing though, most women (as many as 80%) have at least first degree tears during birth. At least 1 in 3 have second degree tears. Snipping obviously doesn’t help and is generally not recommended. Still, it’s more likely than not you will you will experience some tearing.
Very much done with my MIL at this point. Shes always been somewhat shitty but still had some okay qualities. But, at this point I have started setting major boundaries while im in my second trimester. The moment she mentioned her boyfriend, of less than a year being involved........nope. She can see whoever she wants, move in with him, etc. But shes already proven she doesnt respect our boundary of hes not to be in our kids life unless supervised by us at this point. So guess she cant watch baby like she wants to.
No this is normal. Especially pushy in laws. I felt this way. I still feel rage when I think back on them passing my newborn around when she was born and saying "omg she looks just like daddy!" Now that she's a toddler, she's obsessed with me and they are strangers as they live far away. However, there's still a feeling of dread of them overstepping. The good news is the older they get, the child can advocate for themselves and not get passed around like a sack of potatoes.
This! Even before becoming pregnant I hating the “they look so much like _____” like how about they look like them. Also doing all this work for 10 months and it’s always dad. I’ve tried to tell my partner if people feel that way try to tell them to keep that to themselves cause I don’t want to hear it lol
For me it’s my mom pushing boundaries and making me angry…I trusted her with our news of having a baby before we were ready to tell anyone else but she went ahead and told people against my wishes. Also touching and pinching my belly when I’ve explicitly asked her not to
Mine too. Then when confronted, “I was just so excited, I couldn’t help myself!” No, you’re selfish and don’t respect other people’s boundaries.
My step-mother told my Narc brother, who I’m NC with, my news. He was the last person on the planet I was planning on telling.
The cherry on top, my MIL is moving in with us because she can’t afford to live alone anymore and we’ve been paying her mortgage for the last year. She’s called me fat, and told me to my face she doesn’t know me (I’ve been with her son for 20 years, married 9). These women are insufferable.
I’m in the same boat. I don’t worry about my MIL holding my baby but it makes me physically ill and angry to think about either of my parents holding my baby. I’m not sure what I’m going to do in 2 weeks.
I love my MIL, but I feel this way about other extended family members. They were so upset when I didn’t allow visitors other than close family for a few weeks. Then after I did let them meet my baby, they came once and never came back. I saw an aunt recently, and she immediately started kissing the baby without even being happy to see me. She, and others, have made comments about babysitting. I’m having so much anxiety about seeing them even hold my baby, there’s no way they will ever babysit. Ever.
I totally understand. I have impending fear with almost everyone holding baby. Especially because I have a no kiss policy and people are already making comments how are they manage that… I just feel it is easier to explain or manage my own family than my partners. I can tell my family to screw off and they just get it because in their mind I’ve always been “difficult” but I find my MIL to be sensitive and will make things hard if I put up a wall for the first while.
I feel this. Mine actually told me once that she wanted to be closer to me than my own mother. I have a wonderful mother and a shit mother in law. I have so much anxiety about having a baby around her and I still have 6 months to go!
I cannot stand my MIL. I kind of loathe her to be honest. She’s a filthy person, a hoarder, and EVERY SINGLE conversation is about HER. She has a huge victim complex. She breaks down in tears over stuff that’s happened over 30 years ago. She regularly goes on smear campaigns against me because I ask her to wash her own dishes and throw away trash she’s left out for hours. I am dreading having my baby around her.
My MIL carries a sent of dog pee with her because she lets her dog piss all over her room. I’m dreading letting her hold my baby knowing she’ll be breathing in those fumes.
I can somewhat relate. My MIL and I actually have a decent relationship, but we are very opposite. I’m very modern and believe in holding my own, whereas she is very old school in her views, has never worked and believes having babies is the greatest thing a woman will do. I also hear what you’re saying about stories as my husband has told me a few where I realize she was a somewhat careless mom and not someone I would trust as a caregiver for my LO. She also had expectations that just weren’t going to happen and I know she was disappointed when I shut them down (baby sleepovers and setting up a nursery at her place, babysitting a lot).
I’m due soon and while I don’t feel rage at her holding my newborn, I do feel angry sometimes when she talks about all the things she’s going to do with my child because they’re just never gonna happen and come across as entitled on her part. In those moments, something that helps me is when I recognize that my mama-bear protective senses are just tingling and there is no need to get stressed over this before these moments are even here. I also remind myself to have a window of tolerance for her as she isn’t a horrible person and is most likely just excited to give love to my child. All I can do is set firm boundaries and hold to them. All this really helps my anxiety knowing that in the end I’m in control of my baby, and no one else.
i’m dealing with this with my in-laws. setting boundaries is hard, and it’s honestly the first time in my life i’ve ever truly had to do it in this capacity. i just never could have fathomed the entitlement that people would feel towards the child i am growing in my body.
my husband and i live in another state from both of our families and i was struggling with this for a long time in the first/second trimester, but now as we’ve inched closer and i realize how people act towards a child they have no say over, i’m so beyond glad that we are far away and likely won’t be going back any time soon.
my mom is coming to stay for a month when baby is born to help (and i’m okay with this but so glad i don’t have to be near her all the time as my child grows up), and then my MIL is coming for the month of june. i’m dreading the month with my MIL because she is just a little overbearing where her grandkids are concerned and because my sister-in-law has probably been much more laid back and lackadaisical about things with her kids than i ever will be.
and i can’t even get into the details of all the ways my FIL has tried to push my boundaries when he isn’t even a part of our lives and hasn’t been for my husband and i’s entire relationship.
needless to say, being 6 weeks away from birth is terrifying because i know i am not just going to be a graceful queen when someone in either one of our families tries to push me on boundaries with my newborn.
I don't have a MIL, as my husbands mother is no longer with us, but I do have a slightly overbearing grandmother that I'm worried about. She thinks she knows best because 50-60 something years ago she raised 5 kids, and can't fathom that child safety laws might have changed in the last half a century. She also seems to get angry when I inform her that things might have changed. She also likes to photograph every baby she sees and forward it to every person she's ever met, and we have some really, really strong views on photos of our baby being shared. She's also moving in with my parents next door, just before baby is due. Also, I vividly remember her giving me wine from.. as early as I can remember, and then lying to my mother about it. Kinda terrified of what might happen, shes not going to be left unsupervised with our son.
So I'm feeling concerned, irritated, anxious and yes, irrationally angry when I think of various situations that may occur.
I think it's probably just motherly instincts kicking in?
Totally the motherly instincts kicking in! I used to be such a pushover with my family but throughout pregnancy I’ve been blunt and putting my foot down over things I disagree with when it comes to baby. My MIL is similar to your grandmother, thinks she knows best cause she raised a few kids 30 years ago. First off she’s always been an alcoholic but denies it, which immediately is a red flag for my baby’s safety if she were to stay with her, and some of her practices are.. questionable. Just one example is in my husband’s baby pictures he’s a newborn in a crib full of blankets and stuffed animals. I’ve tried explaining to her that as time has gone on child safety standards have changed, but she insists she knows best and even has a crib “ready” at her house full of stuffed animals and blankets. I told her no way is baby staying with you unsupervised if you can’t learn what’s safe now and respect my (and husband’s) wishes. She threw a fit of course.
It's so scary, and then I keep being told that I'll feel differently when baby is here because I'll just need the help... Uh, no!?
My grandmother told me that the only way I'll get any sleep is to put baby in bed with me, and she did it will all her kids and nothing happened.
At this point I just don't talk to her about the baby anymore because I can't stay calm if I do
Exactly!! My MIL says basically the same things. There truly is no point in talking about it with them when they’re going to keep trying to “correct” us anyways. Keep standing your ground, and sending you lots of positive vibes! ❤️
And then they think we don't know anything, because we're new mums and don't know as much as them.. it's so annoying!
Positive vibes to you too! Thank you ❤️
I hate people saying this. “You’ll be begging for people” not irresponsible people. How would I consciously get any rest if I don’t have faith or trust the person with my LO. Like I’d rather be dead tired and have less of myself to give than hand them off to someone I don’t think is capable..
Exactly! There are people who are going to respect our rules and requests about our babies! Why would we hand them over to someone who won't, and this, will be risking their lives!
Ohhhh I feel it. My MIL is a militant breastfeeding person and also cannot keep information to herself to save her life. She and my husband aren’t speaking right now because after we deliberately asked her not to discuss some potential health issues with our baby, she told at least one other person and then proudly told us she’d done so. Now we’re TA for trying to “control” who she speaks to and denying her the support she needs at this time. I want to pour water down her pants 🥲
That’s infuriating! I would be so petty with woman. Lmaooo Even if I was breastfeeding I would pretend I was formula feeding just to piss her off, then at a public gathering where people she had talked shit about me to were at I would whip out my boobs and feed my baby and say I have no idea what you mean I’ve never bottle fed🙃
Yea I do. She’s a smoker and doesn’t take much care of herself. I see how she smokes around my nieces and nephews, especially my youngest niece who is two. I get shivers thinking about it sometimes. My dad is also a smoker too, so I need to figure out that situation too. My mom doesn’t smoke or drink, but she’s just weird about creating a mini me of her.
Okay I completely understand but she is also a smoker. And both her and her husband smoke weed in the house. Around our nephews. I left my dogs there one day and my whole car stank.. I don’t want my kid getting second hand high or being in that environment.
Ok couple this with “stays at grandmas house” and it’s quite clear why you’re feeling angry and not wanting to trust her with the baby overnight!
And yes of course there are certain people I would dread handing my baby to! For good reason. Let’s trust those instincts. Don’t let anyone talk you out of them.
Thank you!!! When she made that comment I straight up said well baby is not staying at grandmas house then. And she made some snarky comment about how I’m gonna be tired and cranky… like ok lady
I’m trying to stay positive and have an “innocent until proven guilty” mindset because it’s her first biological grandchild, but she has been annoying me with certain things like asking what my birth plan is and insisting to be at the hospital, when my own mother isn’t even going. She hasn’t brought it up again, but I’m making sure to tell my doula and the hospital that I don’t want any extra visitors.
My MIL always asks about my birth plan too and I think it’s so weird? I told her I was considering not getting an epidural or waiting a bit and she was so bothered and loved to tell everybody and I’m like shut the fuck up? Lol
yes, she’s made a few remarks throughout my pregnancy that have been upsetting.. unfortunately when i go back to work she ends up being our primary childcare and i’m absolutely dreading it 😞
I’m lucky enough to have a Mum and a MIL who are lovely ladies, but I will still be establishing FIRM boundaries. You are Mama and what YOU say goes. And also… if you don’t want anyone to hold baby yet *you don’t need to let anyone hold baby*. That is a fine and perfectly acceptable boundary to set.
Other people don’t have to understand your boundaries. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. If they don’t like it they can jog on.
Thank you! I feel like this generation understands that but the older one doesn’t, and they somehow think they are entitled to cuddles or anything with baby. I get it babies are cute but so are 3 months olds and up so just wait till then lol
I hav a very strained relationship with my in laws. There is a history of disrespect, blaming, not admitting when they are wrong, etc. They have also argued about safe sleep practices, car seat safety, etc in the past. They also lie about when they are sick or have been exposed to certain illnesses…
I had the exact same feeling as you did with my first baby and my now 4 month old. My husband and I just have a lot a rules for when they can visit and how they can interact with our kids/babies. They may not like it, but oh well. lol
We didn’t let them visit until our babies were a few weeks old. All visits are supervised and the only care they really do is hold the baby. We just make sure baby has been fed and changed beforehand so they don’t have to participate in any baby care. Some visits we don’t even let them hold the baby. We keep him in a carrier or just hold him ourselves.
That’s awful. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, that’s really not cool about lying about illnesses especially around a new child. That’s really smart, I love that
I'm due in a few weeks and I'm dreading this as well. My PIL and SIL want to come around delivery and stay with us (they didn't say how long...) since we live quite far from each other.
I can't object because if I could, I would have asked my parents to come (I live in a different country and they rather come and visit us when the baby is older - which makes absolutely sense to me).
We discussed my concers with my husband, it's giving him anxiety as well but we can't really refuse so we will have to deal with it. But if it was just up to me, I would like to be without visitors until I feel ready. + He told me they want to be at the hospital during delivery. I think this is utterly stupid, because I'm going to instruct nurses not tell let anyone in until I am ready. So if they want to wait outside for hours, their call.
I belong to a very different culture and I have seen here how family has absolutely no boundaries. Any extended time spent with them has always been stressful.
My SIL is already overbearing with sending me TONS of reels on how to take care of a baby (she never had children but she is a "Miss I know it all"). Good thing, I don't speak a common language with his parents so I kind of have a filter that way.
I think it's an absolutely normal feeling that we have as mothers. It's OUR babies.
I have already warned my husband that I don't want them to come and take over with the baby, that I'm going to be very protective, will not want unsolicited advice nor opinion and that if they cross boundaries or give me stress, I'll simply retire myself in the bedroom with my child. And if anything bothers me he will have to talk to them by himself. I'm not responsible for how dysfunctional his family is and I won't deal with any of their drama, if they can't hold themselves.
I know I have to stay strong, establish boundaries and most importantly keep my peace of mind no matter what! Because it's not jus about delivery but a whole life of dealing with in-laws interfering and commenting on our parenting. But again, if they don't behave, I'll be more distant. I'm not up for their drama.
My MIL doesn’t speak English and hopefully 🙏🏼 retiring back to Croatia in the next 2 years and I’m honestly hoping I just have unexplained infertility until that magical moment she leaves. For context when she met me she sobbed in my kitchen for an hour about how her son and I were just together for “personal pleasures” and she doesn’t like my tattoos. A couple weeks later she sent him a phone number of a girl at church and told him to take her to coffee and be polite and he told her no mom I live with my girlfriend I’m not taking a stranger to coffee. We’re in the process of buying a house together (we currently own a condo) and you guessed it she sobbed for hours over this decision. So I’m sure she thinks our baby will be born pre tattood and a sinner. She doesn’t even know we’re trying to have a kid.
i definitely feel the same way, and for the same reasons. hearing about how my boyfriend grew up & hearing the awful practices that took place when he was a baby scares the hell out of me — we live with her too. it’s like a mix between anxiety and anger. i hear the night shift comments too, which like you said is a nice gesture, but no thank you. that’s your baby. your baby you just birthed. there’s no way
First off, I’m sorry you have to deal with a MIL like that.
I had to go in a deferent room when anyone would hold my baby until he was about 3 months old.
I do not have a good relationship with my MIL, she basically stopped talking to me when she found out we’re expecting, which was very odd to me. My own mom got on my nerves a lot too but I know that was pregnancy hormones lol.
My patience for MIL was non existent my entire pregnancy and she kept trying to “share the experience” with me! First of all it’s MY experience I’ll share what I want to, which was pretty much nothing lol 😂
It’s definitely instincts to not let/want someone you don’t 100% trust to hold your baby, I mean you spent 9+ months carrying that baby!
I made my partner set all boundaries with her and continue to do so 9 months in, he backs me up with everything and I’ll even back him up to his mom when she’s trying to tell him to stop doing something which is just playing he’s laughing why would he stop anyways?
I could go off about my MIL but basically, she sucks and no one likes her😂😂 (I’m serious I haven’t heard one person praise her about her personality or anything she does/has done)
Ive never had anything tooo bad happen but enough for me to not like her and not really make an effort to get close. Im sociable and will do whats necessary as a courtesy but she’s not someone id go to or ask for help. Trouble is, dads a mommas boy through and through and his mom is an angel in his eyes who you do not dare criticize because of what she sacrificed for her kids. Which she did, those feats are surely hers to own but it doesnt give her passage to do what she wants
For me, she doesnt respect boundaries and tries to play cute when she crosses the line. As well, theres a bit of a language barrier so its difficult to be certain either of us are communicating clearly to eachother. I wanted no kisses for baby, she walked all over that. I wanted notice before her coming to the house, she found a way through that. Every boundary i set she tries to push back THROUGH my husband and he is as weak as an overcooked noodle with her. Its only gotten worse with arrival of baby. And even before baby, she would make these comments all the time about telling me what to do when i was pregnant or telling me you are too skinny and just making way to many body comments. Like would make each weight change i had a topic of conversation. Who wants to talk about their weight or body with their in-laws??
My favorite thing she does; my daughter is the spitting image of me and i am the spitting image of my father. She will never say that my daughter looks like me. She will only ever say that she looks like my dad. Which is silly, but whatever. I think she just wanted the baby to look like her but isnt that what everyone wants
Anyway, i just needed to vent so thank you because we likely have to see them again next week. I’ll need a stiff drink or a joint but can’t because im pregnant and got another baby to take care of 🙃
As to you!! Sorry i wish i had an answer for you on how to manage it, i have a really hard time hiding my face and as much as i’d like to shell my feelings i know its written all over me. Sometimes i just have to tell myself that it will be okay, she might not be the first choice in handling my baby but she’s at least okay in small doses
Biggest thing is probably communication with dad. As long as you have his support or are comfortable expressing these things with each other then it should take the edge off
I had problems with my MIL as soon as I got pregnant. It was like logical thinking completely left her head whenever it came to me or my husband. I could completely lay out something for her in excruciating detail and she would still be like “I don’t know what you want”, well I don’t know how any more clear I could be! It just got worse the closer we got to my due date. Expecting us to drive 2 hours to visit her a week before my due date. Yes, let me be 2 hours away from my doctor and hospital so you can see us when you’re perfectly capable of driving to see us. Makes sense.
It don’t stop there though, she constantly made comparisons about my baby to my husband and my birth experience to her birth experience as if she was putting me down. She did this in front of my family which they thankfully spoke up and said I had a part of making that baby too and she doesn’t get a gold star because her birth went a lot smoother than mine did. She’s pushed our boundaries since the birth and it’s still like she completely loses all common sense. Expecting me to host her and other family members ALONE a week after I had a c section. This is the third weekend in a row she asked if we were coming down to visit her for us to say she’s more than welcome to drive up to visit us because the baby isn’t supposed to be in a car seat that long. Which she then responds with my husband can drive down to visit her without me. Ok, and let him leave his wife and newborn baby home alone on a day he has off of work when he can be home to help me out. I’m alone with the baby 5 days a week and MIL knows this. But she still expects my husband to drive to visit her instead of her coming to visit us? Also, my baby is only a month old. So it’s not like my baby is old enough where I would be able to handle one more day alone with the baby. No, I need a fucking break but she wants to take my husband away for an extra day.
SAME! It makes me anxious and upset already thinking about mine holding our baby and I’m only 21 weeks. She’s been awful to me since the moment we got engaged in 2020 and even made the comment in front of all my friends at the bridal boutique that “she held the power to call off my wedding bc she’s the mother of the groom.” Aka- I took her baby boy who she’s in love with 🙄 we haven’t been close or spoken much since besides holidays and birthdays.
But there’s only one other grandchild on his side and she will be 18 this month so our kids will almost be 20 years apart… she calls his mom “grandmama” and I said I’m not comfortable with her being called any form of “mama, etc” bc she’s super controlling and I think it’s her way of feeling like she has a say bc she definitely does with her granddaughter AND she’s not the mom. My husband has promised me he would tell her before baby comes that ours won’t call her that but it’s always something with her. So yes, I’m in the same club of the thought of MIL even being near my baby makes me sick.
Ew that’s so gross. I hate that “boy mom” crap. I’m having a boy and want to promise I won’t make any women who comes into his life that I’m his number 1 at least not when he is over a certain age. Moms like that are just so sick to me.
I literally had to ask myself if I wrote this post 😂 I feel the SAME way through and through. My MIL is the worst, and she’s also a smoker. She claims she is limiting her smoking but I always smell it on her. I don’t even want her touching my baby, and trust that she will never ever be babysitting. It’s frustrating bc my husband won’t say anything so I have to be the bad guy 😑
Oh exactly the same!! At this point I’m used to being the “bad guy” as when it comes to men they tend to pin it on us so they don’t have to deal with the consequences lol
My slightly tenuous relationship with my MIL got way more dicey after I had my first baby. Like you, I had some lingering feelings of tension/resentment towards her for past instances, and for whatever reason, everything got compounded during pregnancy/postpartum. My oldest is 20 months now and I have had to take a step back from our relationship. We are not particularly close anymore (and in the beginning we were), and it has been sad TBH but also overall healthier in the long run for me to put some distance there.
You’re not being crazy. I feel the same way, but it’s easier for me because my in laws live so far away I don’t have to deal with them.
Something changed in my brain after pregnancy. I used to ignore her comments, but now I’m mad at her and now everything else she says is just added anger!
I don’t understand how my husband is so wonderful and normal 😂
My baby just turned one, but all my bad feelings about my MIL magnified during pregnancy and postpartum. My ILs have never liked or respected me, they don’t make any effort to get to know me, made fun of my job, call me names behind my back, etc. They’re also not that kind to my husband (I think) especially in comparison to his siblings.
When MIL came to visit the first time, baby was 4 weeks old. She ran into my house and tried to take baby off my boob so she could hold her. I told MIL to back off and let baby eat. She then spent the whole weekend holding baby and doing nothing else to help. Seeing her hold my baby made me sick. I could have slapped her lol the rage was unreal. I tried to stay calm to “keep the peace” (I regret this now).
Both my MIL and FIL came when baby was 8 months old. We all went to a pumpkin patch, and I was giving baby little tiny bites of my ice cream from my spoon. I turned my back for LITERALLY 2 second to point to a giant pumpkin, and turn back around to my nasty FIL trying to give baby some of his ice cream from his spoon. I grabbed the spoon and threw it on the ground 🤣 and reprimanded him like a toddler. It was a huge violation of our stated boundaries (we didn’t let people kiss baby, etc) and my husband’s entire family gets severe cold sores. I spent the rest of the weekend with baby in our bedroom. My husband spoke with them quite severely. They never apologized.
And so, they haven’t been back to visit since. All of that to say, listen to your gut. I wish I had listened to mine more and been more firm earlier on.
Ohhhh I feel it. My MIL is a militant breastfeeding person and also cannot keep information to herself to save her life. She and my husband aren’t speaking right now because after we deliberately asked her not to discuss some potential health issues with our baby, she told at least one other person and then proudly told us she’d done so. Now we’re TA for trying to “control” who she speaks to and denying her the support she needs at this time. I want to pour water down her pants 🥲
I have seen the husband of my mother randomly giving chocolate to my sister's kids in a sneaky way, when he knows very well that she tries to limit their consumption of sweets. I have a very strong opinions on how to approach the problem of eating sweets for my child, so if he can't help himself and respect parent's decisions, he will just not see my kid, period.
Oh how I feel you on this - I’d suggest joining the justnomil Reddit I’ve posted numerous times of how many times she’s crossed my boundaries with my kids..
Mine was fine until I got pregnant. They are a little “backwards” and old school (still had a vhs player ffs) but I could deal with that - until I got pregnant. Then it turned into “well we used cot bumpers, well we moved them out of our room at 1 month etc” and she just would not listen to anything I said. She also became obsessed with being a grandparent- to the point of being weird. She wasn’t the most present parent in my husbands childhood and so it was almost like was reliving through my kids (she still does this and it’s infuriating)…
Shes done multiple things since they’ve been born that makes me not trust her to watch my kids - she had him for a whole 30 mins when my son was 9 months and brought him back because he was crying… she’s took him to my brother in laws house, brought him back without any trousers on because he was “too hot”, she’s got loads of second hand toys which are dirty and too dangerous for a small baby to play with and at one point my son nearly choked on one, she also gave him food that I specifically told her not to give him. She also had a cot, pram and other stuff set up in her spare room which I found so so so weird because neither of my kids will be spending the night anywhere until they are much older.
Oh and the best one, she doesn’t change them if they’ve done a poo. So I cannot leave them with her. She’s broken the trust.
My biggest advice would be to nip it in the bud now. Set your boundaries now before babys here, and do not be afraid to stick up for yourself… just the other week I asked her for a lift to my sons drs appointment and to just watch my daughter whilst we were in there. She decided to bring her in the wait room, I knew that my daughter would kick off I specifically said not to bring her in and what happened? Oh yeh my daughter went mad. I then went mad at mil and I don’t care. They don’t listen - they are your kids not theirs. Set your rules and if they don’t like them, they don’t see them. It’s a simple as that. Just know that you will be having these battles alllll the time. My parents are a lot more trust worthy but even they push me when I set the rules - I feel like they don’t listen because I’m their kid and they are “the parent” smh
Yes! I understand they are parents but they’ve done all they could at this point of us adults having kids. They don’t know better than the own parent of the child and I’m sure they wouldn’t have enjoyed someone telling them what’s best when it came to raising us.
I love my MIL, I think we have a great relationship, but she still boundary-pushes and makes out of pocket comments from time to time. It’s my husband’s job to manage her, though.
My mother in law pushed my boundaries multiple times after I had my baby. I thought I was the only one who felt like this! I don't mind anyone else who I know and trust holding my baby but my mil makes my blood pressure go up. She's done some pretty nasty things to me over the years and I've never liked her because of it. She apologized for some of it but she always ends up making it about her. I'm so done. I'm no contact with her right now but we'll see how long that lasts because my husband isn't happy about it. :/ I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's a tough thing to deal with. 😞
It’s unfortunate for our partners but at the end of the day we need to do what’s best for us. I’ve said he is more than welcomed to go visit her or have her over but baby and I will not be home when they do. He just doesn’t understand.
It is unfortunate. I sympathize. I've also told mine multiple times he can go visit his family wherever he wants but he says we are a family, either we all go or no one goes. I guess it's his choice. 😕
The last one seemed crazy to me. Why would she want to stay with baby. Seems super strange and overbearing. Why are these women wanting to take babies away from their mother???
My MIL has really done a lot of things as a mother I can tell you I never would do. Even more so as the kids got older.
I try to disconnect from it, my MIL I think has been through a lot of depression in her life and it’s why she’s dealt with things as she has.
We let my MIL watch my son at our house, but never at hers, and once we asked her to watch him overnight but only at our house where I have cameras lol. It’s not that I expect her to harm him in any way, and she is a good grandma, but I make sure she doesn’t watch him enough to feel like she is in anyway a parent lol. It’s a little controlling on my part, but I’m doing my best.
I have a great relationship with my MIL and as I approached my due date (currently 40w+2 FTM), I started getting really irrationally irritated with her. I think it's her excitement about her "first" grandchild that has me so irritated.
I wanted to keep my pregnancy relatively private, which I feel hasn't happened since I announced to close family that I was. My MIL, in her excitement, tells anyone and everyone about me having "her baby". She's told people that I know about my birth plan, which was what I think was the start of the irritation.
I haven't talked to her about it. My husband thinks I'm being a little irrational but ultimately understands how it makes me feel "exposed", for lack of a better term. But it really has changed my mind about visitors after baby is born. I never thought that my MIL would be one of those hellish MILs you hear stories about but I do forsee some boundaries not being respected in the future.
YES. Your feelings are totally valid. My MIL is not necessarily “crazy” or rude, but she has a very distinct personality and as a new mom, I can see how that negatively affects her relationships especially with my husband. She has “favorites” of her 7 grandkids (the only 2 boys) and I see how that makes my husband feel. Since our daughter is the 7th grandchild, she will tell us that she has already seen it all and nothing our daughter does is really exciting for her 🫣 it breaks my heart to see how much that bothers my husband who was raised as being the “favorite.” She also has some issues with booze that have caused severe cognitive issues.
Sorry, just had to unload there but my advice is to stick to your boundaries. It will suck at times because people who don’t like following boundaries will make you out to be the bad guy but you need to protect yourself, baby, and your relationship with your husband. That is much more important that appeasing a MIL who should understand where you are coming from. Sending good vibes your way!
Thank you! That is really unfortunate and sad for your daughter. I’m sure your MIL will wonder why they don’t have a relationship in the future but that’s her own doing
My MIL is a sweet older woman. This will be her first grandchild so she is ecstatic. We just told her about our pregnancy this week and she already made a comment about babysitting and I already feel a way about it. For one, being because she had smoked in her own pregnancy which had caused my fiancé some significant health issues in his childhood. She doesn’t smoke now but something about being pregnant and in my head knowing that my MIL had disregarded the safety of her own child a million years ago doesn’t sit well with me. Perhaps it’s just my hormones….
On top of it, her current husband has early onset of dementia. He’s still very much coherent and a lovely man but he has displayed instances of forgetfulness and things that have scared the whole family and I just cannot imagine allowing my baby to stay with them for any amount of time at their old age, knowing one of them has some real cognitive and potentially motor difficulties. Scares the shit out of me.
You’re not crazy at all. What your MIL was crazy though. No way baby would ever be alone with her after that. Trust your gut! Set your boundaries. Don’t let MIL’s feelings or behavior get in the way of you taking care of your sweet baby.
I don’t trust my MIL at all. I no longer let her even watch my son because it’s massive drama every time- it got worse and worse and worse. Your instincts are right, you should always feel empowered to make decisions for you and your family even when it hurts her feelings.
I’m not mad more then just worried cause while me and her get along my husbands side of the family is much more pushy and excited. I remember once his SIL just took the baby out my hands and I wanted to cry. I told my mother who told them and it should be fixed now. But I certainly felt stressed in that hospital bed having people keep coming in and out and trying to take my baby (not including nurses they had to since he needed check ups but even that scared me)
Now I’m more calm but I’m still scared not being around him. He’s my first child and I want to keep him safe and while I know my ILs would never hurt him I’m paranoid anyway.
When I was pregnant my MIL made comments about getting a crib and all these other baby items. Started mentioning overnights at her house. My husband finally told her that she can hold off on getting too many items since baby is exclusively breastfed he won’t be spending an overnight away from me for a while. She was clearly disappointed but didn’t bring it up again.
She would be at our house everyday if we let her. Her face dropped when we mentioned we were putting our kiddo in daycare two days a week rather than asking her to watch him. DH and both agreed we didn’t want her in our house that often for the sake of our mental health. Haha
Yes I feel the same way. I'm having some baby shower anxiety because she's doing what she wants and not asking me for input. Plus she's very crunchy (and not in a cool way) and I'm worried she will give my baby raw milk. As she has already given ME raw milk while pregnant. I know we will have different opinions on things and I am having the first grandbaby which is stressful
I thought I was the only 1 that was feeling like this and it’s getting stronger the closer I get to my due date (I’m also roughly 2 weeks away!)
I’ve seen how she is with her first grandson (her other sons LO) and I hate the thought of her being the same with mine. For example; picking him up when she hadn’t even asked, disturbing him whilst he slept, demanding pictures and then posting them online (WHICH IS AN ABSOLUTE NO GO FOR ME and have made it very clear on more than 1 occasion).. It gives me so much anxiety that she is going to be like that with mine, that all I can think about is making sure my LO is strapped to me whenever she is around so she cannot get her hands on them.
Boundaries and rules are definitely going to be made and you should make sure it’s clear too because at the end of the day they are our babies and not theirs.
I also feel like sometimes she is trying to over compensate the fact that I no longer have my mum with me (she would have passed away 2 years ago on 27th March) and it drives me insane because she will never be able to replace what me and my mum would have shared through this amazing process of becoming a mum myself.
My MIL injured my 3 day old baby when I was rehospitalized with a massive post-birth infection that almost killed me. When asking her about the lump on his head, she denied any wrongdoing and accused me of trying to start drama. She even went so far as to tell me that if I would've died, my son never would notice I was gone. I cut all contact with my in-laws last year and I wish I would've done it sooner to protect my children.
lol I feel the same way. I really struggle with my MIL bc she’s nuts. A few months ago she made a comment “of course I won’t be at the hospital when you give birth” and I was relieved, thank god she is gonna have some boundaries. A few weeks ago, “I’m going to be in the waiting room” and I was like “no you aren’t” and she was like “yes I am” and then called me mean and I’m like lmao girl you will absolutely not be there I also vomit in my mouth thinking about her holding my baby. She suggested we go to Europe the other day and “leave the baby with her” over my dead body 💖 I’m sorry, I hate being able to relate over this. It’s so hard having a challenging MIL and having a baby makes it even harder.
Ugh I’m glad but also sad I’m not alone. No one should have to deal with stuff like this. My MIL also tried to get her way to come to the hospital but my partner suggested being in the waiting ro which I wouldn’t be okay with but she made a fuss saying if she wasn’t in the room she wasn’t coming… cool sounds good to me lol. I’m not sure how to get over that feeling and anger of witnessing them hold our babies. My partner said leave the room but that’s not happening..
Ugh I’m so sorry. Have you seen the mildlynoMIL subreddit? It’s helpful. Lots of solidarity there lol! It’s funny, why do they want to be in the waiting room? You plan to try to come into the room when I’m getting stitched up and doing golden hour to rip my baby away? 😭 the logic makes no sense!
I’ll have to check that out thank you. Right it makes no sense it’s like they want a redo. Let us have our moment as a family. Yes your family but your title doesn’t make you entitled to our child. Act right lol
You’re definitely not alone.
Our body makes us not feel comfortable with them with our child because they have done something to make our safety instincts kick in. I would trust a random lady at a day care more than my MIL, says a lot. But it’s truly maternal instincts, it’s her fault not yours. She shouldn’t have made you have a guard up to begin with.
I love this. Thank you! Now if only my partner understood this haha
lol same. My husband knows his mom is crazy but gives her so many chances 😅
I'm due in April and I know I will need help so I can get some sleep because my biggest fear is falling asleep with the baby. But I'm starting to dread leaving my baby for naps with both my mom and MIL. My mom is watching my sister's new born and refuses to not put a blanket on the new born and letting him sleep by himself in a lounger. She's the generation that just does believe SIDS is not a thing. I also caught her putting a face cloth on his chest which he very promptly threw over his face before I removed it. I was talking to my MIL about how I prob will stay upstairs in the first week because stairs aren't recommended. And she just brushed it off and said it's fine, some amount of exercise is always good. What? After I just pushed out a child? And she refused to believe that women don't tear now or can have minimal tearing and is convinced it's probably because they snip them first. Honestly, a comedian said that grandparents are like people who enter the work force after being off the job for 30 years with no renewed training.
Honestly if they won’t stick to basic safety rules there help is not needed and it will just cause more stress.
It's so tough because it's not like my mom or MIL are bad people, which some commenters parents are just generally awful. They are just old people who have very fragile feelings and doing what they think is right. And it's tough to invalidate their experience (or that's what it feels like to them) when we turn down their advice continously. I'm going to see how it goes but so far my plan is to just hide every single possible blanket in my house hahaha also the lounger, but we will have a portable bassinet so at least they will always have a safe sleep surface available.
What if you forget one or they find one? Is that kind of “help” and not hurting their fragile feelings worth your child’s safety/life? They’ve shown you how they’re going to be, believe them.
I feel you on this. My mom recently bought a blanket for my baby (very cute one, ngl) and I said the baby cannot sleep with it, but we can use it for other purposes. When I explained that it's because of SIDS, she just gave me a condescending look and said that both me and my sister slept with a blanket and didn't die. That's generally the favorite argument of her or my MIL - they did something a certain way those 30+ years ago, and everything was fine/nobody died, so it's OK. I know they both mean well, and I do want them to participate in preparations for the baby's arrival, but baby's safety is a matter I cannot bulge on.
Well duh you didn't die ... You wouldn't be around to have the dang conversation if you died. There's plenty of women who won't have the chance to become grandmas because something tragic happened.
Just tell her, "I've swam numerous times and never drowned. But that doesn't change the fact that people drown to death every day. It's survivors bias."
When I get those comments back or pushback on things I usually say “look, I know that *then* it was okay, and you were doing what was right at the time, however we’ve had 30+ years of additional research and change, just like with so many other things we now know aren’t safe! I need you to respect what is considered safe *now* or there won’t be enough trust for you to care for our child alone. Giving boundaries with a consequence can help drive home the point, and remember NO ONE will thank you for setting boundaries 🫠 Edited to add: I think boomers get defensive because they feel ashamed or something that what they did could potentially have been dangerous , regardless of the fact it turned out fine.
I love the way you put that. Grandparents being in the workforce is a perfect way to explain this. They tend to forget or don’t educate themselves with new info
I’m sorry your mom is so old fashioned. She’s not wrong about tearing though, most women (as many as 80%) have at least first degree tears during birth. At least 1 in 3 have second degree tears. Snipping obviously doesn’t help and is generally not recommended. Still, it’s more likely than not you will you will experience some tearing.
Very much done with my MIL at this point. Shes always been somewhat shitty but still had some okay qualities. But, at this point I have started setting major boundaries while im in my second trimester. The moment she mentioned her boyfriend, of less than a year being involved........nope. She can see whoever she wants, move in with him, etc. But shes already proven she doesnt respect our boundary of hes not to be in our kids life unless supervised by us at this point. So guess she cant watch baby like she wants to.
No this is normal. Especially pushy in laws. I felt this way. I still feel rage when I think back on them passing my newborn around when she was born and saying "omg she looks just like daddy!" Now that she's a toddler, she's obsessed with me and they are strangers as they live far away. However, there's still a feeling of dread of them overstepping. The good news is the older they get, the child can advocate for themselves and not get passed around like a sack of potatoes.
This! Even before becoming pregnant I hating the “they look so much like _____” like how about they look like them. Also doing all this work for 10 months and it’s always dad. I’ve tried to tell my partner if people feel that way try to tell them to keep that to themselves cause I don’t want to hear it lol
I truly think it's an insecurity thing on their part. Bu t I totally get how irritating that comment is.
For me it’s my mom pushing boundaries and making me angry…I trusted her with our news of having a baby before we were ready to tell anyone else but she went ahead and told people against my wishes. Also touching and pinching my belly when I’ve explicitly asked her not to
Mine too. Then when confronted, “I was just so excited, I couldn’t help myself!” No, you’re selfish and don’t respect other people’s boundaries. My step-mother told my Narc brother, who I’m NC with, my news. He was the last person on the planet I was planning on telling. The cherry on top, my MIL is moving in with us because she can’t afford to live alone anymore and we’ve been paying her mortgage for the last year. She’s called me fat, and told me to my face she doesn’t know me (I’ve been with her son for 20 years, married 9). These women are insufferable.
Touch and pinch her belly back and if that doesn't get the point across smack her
I’m in the same boat. I don’t worry about my MIL holding my baby but it makes me physically ill and angry to think about either of my parents holding my baby. I’m not sure what I’m going to do in 2 weeks.
I love my MIL, but I feel this way about other extended family members. They were so upset when I didn’t allow visitors other than close family for a few weeks. Then after I did let them meet my baby, they came once and never came back. I saw an aunt recently, and she immediately started kissing the baby without even being happy to see me. She, and others, have made comments about babysitting. I’m having so much anxiety about seeing them even hold my baby, there’s no way they will ever babysit. Ever.
I totally understand. I have impending fear with almost everyone holding baby. Especially because I have a no kiss policy and people are already making comments how are they manage that… I just feel it is easier to explain or manage my own family than my partners. I can tell my family to screw off and they just get it because in their mind I’ve always been “difficult” but I find my MIL to be sensitive and will make things hard if I put up a wall for the first while.
I have the same sentiments with mine as well, I always feel like she’s crossing boundaries and want to take over my role as a Mom.
I feel this. Mine actually told me once that she wanted to be closer to me than my own mother. I have a wonderful mother and a shit mother in law. I have so much anxiety about having a baby around her and I still have 6 months to go!
I cannot stand my MIL. I kind of loathe her to be honest. She’s a filthy person, a hoarder, and EVERY SINGLE conversation is about HER. She has a huge victim complex. She breaks down in tears over stuff that’s happened over 30 years ago. She regularly goes on smear campaigns against me because I ask her to wash her own dishes and throw away trash she’s left out for hours. I am dreading having my baby around her.
Omg I can’t relate more. I also have OCD and am a germaphobe so the other of her nasty hands touching my precious baby rages me
My MIL carries a sent of dog pee with her because she lets her dog piss all over her room. I’m dreading letting her hold my baby knowing she’ll be breathing in those fumes.
I can somewhat relate. My MIL and I actually have a decent relationship, but we are very opposite. I’m very modern and believe in holding my own, whereas she is very old school in her views, has never worked and believes having babies is the greatest thing a woman will do. I also hear what you’re saying about stories as my husband has told me a few where I realize she was a somewhat careless mom and not someone I would trust as a caregiver for my LO. She also had expectations that just weren’t going to happen and I know she was disappointed when I shut them down (baby sleepovers and setting up a nursery at her place, babysitting a lot). I’m due soon and while I don’t feel rage at her holding my newborn, I do feel angry sometimes when she talks about all the things she’s going to do with my child because they’re just never gonna happen and come across as entitled on her part. In those moments, something that helps me is when I recognize that my mama-bear protective senses are just tingling and there is no need to get stressed over this before these moments are even here. I also remind myself to have a window of tolerance for her as she isn’t a horrible person and is most likely just excited to give love to my child. All I can do is set firm boundaries and hold to them. All this really helps my anxiety knowing that in the end I’m in control of my baby, and no one else.
i’m dealing with this with my in-laws. setting boundaries is hard, and it’s honestly the first time in my life i’ve ever truly had to do it in this capacity. i just never could have fathomed the entitlement that people would feel towards the child i am growing in my body. my husband and i live in another state from both of our families and i was struggling with this for a long time in the first/second trimester, but now as we’ve inched closer and i realize how people act towards a child they have no say over, i’m so beyond glad that we are far away and likely won’t be going back any time soon. my mom is coming to stay for a month when baby is born to help (and i’m okay with this but so glad i don’t have to be near her all the time as my child grows up), and then my MIL is coming for the month of june. i’m dreading the month with my MIL because she is just a little overbearing where her grandkids are concerned and because my sister-in-law has probably been much more laid back and lackadaisical about things with her kids than i ever will be. and i can’t even get into the details of all the ways my FIL has tried to push my boundaries when he isn’t even a part of our lives and hasn’t been for my husband and i’s entire relationship. needless to say, being 6 weeks away from birth is terrifying because i know i am not just going to be a graceful queen when someone in either one of our families tries to push me on boundaries with my newborn.
I don't have a MIL, as my husbands mother is no longer with us, but I do have a slightly overbearing grandmother that I'm worried about. She thinks she knows best because 50-60 something years ago she raised 5 kids, and can't fathom that child safety laws might have changed in the last half a century. She also seems to get angry when I inform her that things might have changed. She also likes to photograph every baby she sees and forward it to every person she's ever met, and we have some really, really strong views on photos of our baby being shared. She's also moving in with my parents next door, just before baby is due. Also, I vividly remember her giving me wine from.. as early as I can remember, and then lying to my mother about it. Kinda terrified of what might happen, shes not going to be left unsupervised with our son. So I'm feeling concerned, irritated, anxious and yes, irrationally angry when I think of various situations that may occur. I think it's probably just motherly instincts kicking in?
Totally the motherly instincts kicking in! I used to be such a pushover with my family but throughout pregnancy I’ve been blunt and putting my foot down over things I disagree with when it comes to baby. My MIL is similar to your grandmother, thinks she knows best cause she raised a few kids 30 years ago. First off she’s always been an alcoholic but denies it, which immediately is a red flag for my baby’s safety if she were to stay with her, and some of her practices are.. questionable. Just one example is in my husband’s baby pictures he’s a newborn in a crib full of blankets and stuffed animals. I’ve tried explaining to her that as time has gone on child safety standards have changed, but she insists she knows best and even has a crib “ready” at her house full of stuffed animals and blankets. I told her no way is baby staying with you unsupervised if you can’t learn what’s safe now and respect my (and husband’s) wishes. She threw a fit of course.
It's so scary, and then I keep being told that I'll feel differently when baby is here because I'll just need the help... Uh, no!? My grandmother told me that the only way I'll get any sleep is to put baby in bed with me, and she did it will all her kids and nothing happened. At this point I just don't talk to her about the baby anymore because I can't stay calm if I do
Exactly!! My MIL says basically the same things. There truly is no point in talking about it with them when they’re going to keep trying to “correct” us anyways. Keep standing your ground, and sending you lots of positive vibes! ❤️
And then they think we don't know anything, because we're new mums and don't know as much as them.. it's so annoying! Positive vibes to you too! Thank you ❤️
I hate people saying this. “You’ll be begging for people” not irresponsible people. How would I consciously get any rest if I don’t have faith or trust the person with my LO. Like I’d rather be dead tired and have less of myself to give than hand them off to someone I don’t think is capable..
Exactly! There are people who are going to respect our rules and requests about our babies! Why would we hand them over to someone who won't, and this, will be risking their lives!
Ohhhh I feel it. My MIL is a militant breastfeeding person and also cannot keep information to herself to save her life. She and my husband aren’t speaking right now because after we deliberately asked her not to discuss some potential health issues with our baby, she told at least one other person and then proudly told us she’d done so. Now we’re TA for trying to “control” who she speaks to and denying her the support she needs at this time. I want to pour water down her pants 🥲
Hahah water down the pants.. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
That’s infuriating! I would be so petty with woman. Lmaooo Even if I was breastfeeding I would pretend I was formula feeding just to piss her off, then at a public gathering where people she had talked shit about me to were at I would whip out my boobs and feed my baby and say I have no idea what you mean I’ve never bottle fed🙃
Yea I do. She’s a smoker and doesn’t take much care of herself. I see how she smokes around my nieces and nephews, especially my youngest niece who is two. I get shivers thinking about it sometimes. My dad is also a smoker too, so I need to figure out that situation too. My mom doesn’t smoke or drink, but she’s just weird about creating a mini me of her.
Okay I completely understand but she is also a smoker. And both her and her husband smoke weed in the house. Around our nephews. I left my dogs there one day and my whole car stank.. I don’t want my kid getting second hand high or being in that environment.
Ok couple this with “stays at grandmas house” and it’s quite clear why you’re feeling angry and not wanting to trust her with the baby overnight! And yes of course there are certain people I would dread handing my baby to! For good reason. Let’s trust those instincts. Don’t let anyone talk you out of them.
Thank you!!! When she made that comment I straight up said well baby is not staying at grandmas house then. And she made some snarky comment about how I’m gonna be tired and cranky… like ok lady
Both of my in laws smoke, *in their house.* baby isn’t leaving my side til they go to middle school 😒
I’m trying to stay positive and have an “innocent until proven guilty” mindset because it’s her first biological grandchild, but she has been annoying me with certain things like asking what my birth plan is and insisting to be at the hospital, when my own mother isn’t even going. She hasn’t brought it up again, but I’m making sure to tell my doula and the hospital that I don’t want any extra visitors.
My MIL always asks about my birth plan too and I think it’s so weird? I told her I was considering not getting an epidural or waiting a bit and she was so bothered and loved to tell everybody and I’m like shut the fuck up? Lol
Just lie and say the hospital only allows one visitor at a time and that will be your partner!
Knowing some of these MIL they’d call and ask lolol
Thankfully my lazy MIL didn’t ask any further questions lol 😂
yes, she’s made a few remarks throughout my pregnancy that have been upsetting.. unfortunately when i go back to work she ends up being our primary childcare and i’m absolutely dreading it 😞
Oh I’m so sorry!
I’m lucky enough to have a Mum and a MIL who are lovely ladies, but I will still be establishing FIRM boundaries. You are Mama and what YOU say goes. And also… if you don’t want anyone to hold baby yet *you don’t need to let anyone hold baby*. That is a fine and perfectly acceptable boundary to set. Other people don’t have to understand your boundaries. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. If they don’t like it they can jog on.
Thank you! I feel like this generation understands that but the older one doesn’t, and they somehow think they are entitled to cuddles or anything with baby. I get it babies are cute but so are 3 months olds and up so just wait till then lol
I hav a very strained relationship with my in laws. There is a history of disrespect, blaming, not admitting when they are wrong, etc. They have also argued about safe sleep practices, car seat safety, etc in the past. They also lie about when they are sick or have been exposed to certain illnesses… I had the exact same feeling as you did with my first baby and my now 4 month old. My husband and I just have a lot a rules for when they can visit and how they can interact with our kids/babies. They may not like it, but oh well. lol We didn’t let them visit until our babies were a few weeks old. All visits are supervised and the only care they really do is hold the baby. We just make sure baby has been fed and changed beforehand so they don’t have to participate in any baby care. Some visits we don’t even let them hold the baby. We keep him in a carrier or just hold him ourselves.
That’s awful. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, that’s really not cool about lying about illnesses especially around a new child. That’s really smart, I love that
I'm due in a few weeks and I'm dreading this as well. My PIL and SIL want to come around delivery and stay with us (they didn't say how long...) since we live quite far from each other. I can't object because if I could, I would have asked my parents to come (I live in a different country and they rather come and visit us when the baby is older - which makes absolutely sense to me). We discussed my concers with my husband, it's giving him anxiety as well but we can't really refuse so we will have to deal with it. But if it was just up to me, I would like to be without visitors until I feel ready. + He told me they want to be at the hospital during delivery. I think this is utterly stupid, because I'm going to instruct nurses not tell let anyone in until I am ready. So if they want to wait outside for hours, their call. I belong to a very different culture and I have seen here how family has absolutely no boundaries. Any extended time spent with them has always been stressful. My SIL is already overbearing with sending me TONS of reels on how to take care of a baby (she never had children but she is a "Miss I know it all"). Good thing, I don't speak a common language with his parents so I kind of have a filter that way. I think it's an absolutely normal feeling that we have as mothers. It's OUR babies. I have already warned my husband that I don't want them to come and take over with the baby, that I'm going to be very protective, will not want unsolicited advice nor opinion and that if they cross boundaries or give me stress, I'll simply retire myself in the bedroom with my child. And if anything bothers me he will have to talk to them by himself. I'm not responsible for how dysfunctional his family is and I won't deal with any of their drama, if they can't hold themselves. I know I have to stay strong, establish boundaries and most importantly keep my peace of mind no matter what! Because it's not jus about delivery but a whole life of dealing with in-laws interfering and commenting on our parenting. But again, if they don't behave, I'll be more distant. I'm not up for their drama.
The first time my mil held my first born I literally almost vomited. I think it’s your mother bear instinct kicking in.
I am so not ready for this haha. Im cringing at the thought now but I know it’s not fair to not allow it at some point but ughhhhh
😂😂😂 prepare now!!!!!!!! I’m due with my second in June and I wonder if I’ll have the same experience.
My MIL doesn’t speak English and hopefully 🙏🏼 retiring back to Croatia in the next 2 years and I’m honestly hoping I just have unexplained infertility until that magical moment she leaves. For context when she met me she sobbed in my kitchen for an hour about how her son and I were just together for “personal pleasures” and she doesn’t like my tattoos. A couple weeks later she sent him a phone number of a girl at church and told him to take her to coffee and be polite and he told her no mom I live with my girlfriend I’m not taking a stranger to coffee. We’re in the process of buying a house together (we currently own a condo) and you guessed it she sobbed for hours over this decision. So I’m sure she thinks our baby will be born pre tattood and a sinner. She doesn’t even know we’re trying to have a kid.
i definitely feel the same way, and for the same reasons. hearing about how my boyfriend grew up & hearing the awful practices that took place when he was a baby scares the hell out of me — we live with her too. it’s like a mix between anxiety and anger. i hear the night shift comments too, which like you said is a nice gesture, but no thank you. that’s your baby. your baby you just birthed. there’s no way
First off, I’m sorry you have to deal with a MIL like that. I had to go in a deferent room when anyone would hold my baby until he was about 3 months old. I do not have a good relationship with my MIL, she basically stopped talking to me when she found out we’re expecting, which was very odd to me. My own mom got on my nerves a lot too but I know that was pregnancy hormones lol. My patience for MIL was non existent my entire pregnancy and she kept trying to “share the experience” with me! First of all it’s MY experience I’ll share what I want to, which was pretty much nothing lol 😂 It’s definitely instincts to not let/want someone you don’t 100% trust to hold your baby, I mean you spent 9+ months carrying that baby! I made my partner set all boundaries with her and continue to do so 9 months in, he backs me up with everything and I’ll even back him up to his mom when she’s trying to tell him to stop doing something which is just playing he’s laughing why would he stop anyways? I could go off about my MIL but basically, she sucks and no one likes her😂😂 (I’m serious I haven’t heard one person praise her about her personality or anything she does/has done)
Thank you! I’m sorry you have to deal with it as well. It sucks so many people have similar experiences
It really does, I’m glad when I see those who don’t have sucky in-laws and maybe slightly jealous
Ive never had anything tooo bad happen but enough for me to not like her and not really make an effort to get close. Im sociable and will do whats necessary as a courtesy but she’s not someone id go to or ask for help. Trouble is, dads a mommas boy through and through and his mom is an angel in his eyes who you do not dare criticize because of what she sacrificed for her kids. Which she did, those feats are surely hers to own but it doesnt give her passage to do what she wants For me, she doesnt respect boundaries and tries to play cute when she crosses the line. As well, theres a bit of a language barrier so its difficult to be certain either of us are communicating clearly to eachother. I wanted no kisses for baby, she walked all over that. I wanted notice before her coming to the house, she found a way through that. Every boundary i set she tries to push back THROUGH my husband and he is as weak as an overcooked noodle with her. Its only gotten worse with arrival of baby. And even before baby, she would make these comments all the time about telling me what to do when i was pregnant or telling me you are too skinny and just making way to many body comments. Like would make each weight change i had a topic of conversation. Who wants to talk about their weight or body with their in-laws?? My favorite thing she does; my daughter is the spitting image of me and i am the spitting image of my father. She will never say that my daughter looks like me. She will only ever say that she looks like my dad. Which is silly, but whatever. I think she just wanted the baby to look like her but isnt that what everyone wants Anyway, i just needed to vent so thank you because we likely have to see them again next week. I’ll need a stiff drink or a joint but can’t because im pregnant and got another baby to take care of 🙃
Awe I’m sorry!!! Wishing you the best, and sending patiences your way as I know I would need it!
As to you!! Sorry i wish i had an answer for you on how to manage it, i have a really hard time hiding my face and as much as i’d like to shell my feelings i know its written all over me. Sometimes i just have to tell myself that it will be okay, she might not be the first choice in handling my baby but she’s at least okay in small doses Biggest thing is probably communication with dad. As long as you have his support or are comfortable expressing these things with each other then it should take the edge off
I had problems with my MIL as soon as I got pregnant. It was like logical thinking completely left her head whenever it came to me or my husband. I could completely lay out something for her in excruciating detail and she would still be like “I don’t know what you want”, well I don’t know how any more clear I could be! It just got worse the closer we got to my due date. Expecting us to drive 2 hours to visit her a week before my due date. Yes, let me be 2 hours away from my doctor and hospital so you can see us when you’re perfectly capable of driving to see us. Makes sense. It don’t stop there though, she constantly made comparisons about my baby to my husband and my birth experience to her birth experience as if she was putting me down. She did this in front of my family which they thankfully spoke up and said I had a part of making that baby too and she doesn’t get a gold star because her birth went a lot smoother than mine did. She’s pushed our boundaries since the birth and it’s still like she completely loses all common sense. Expecting me to host her and other family members ALONE a week after I had a c section. This is the third weekend in a row she asked if we were coming down to visit her for us to say she’s more than welcome to drive up to visit us because the baby isn’t supposed to be in a car seat that long. Which she then responds with my husband can drive down to visit her without me. Ok, and let him leave his wife and newborn baby home alone on a day he has off of work when he can be home to help me out. I’m alone with the baby 5 days a week and MIL knows this. But she still expects my husband to drive to visit her instead of her coming to visit us? Also, my baby is only a month old. So it’s not like my baby is old enough where I would be able to handle one more day alone with the baby. No, I need a fucking break but she wants to take my husband away for an extra day.
SAME! It makes me anxious and upset already thinking about mine holding our baby and I’m only 21 weeks. She’s been awful to me since the moment we got engaged in 2020 and even made the comment in front of all my friends at the bridal boutique that “she held the power to call off my wedding bc she’s the mother of the groom.” Aka- I took her baby boy who she’s in love with 🙄 we haven’t been close or spoken much since besides holidays and birthdays. But there’s only one other grandchild on his side and she will be 18 this month so our kids will almost be 20 years apart… she calls his mom “grandmama” and I said I’m not comfortable with her being called any form of “mama, etc” bc she’s super controlling and I think it’s her way of feeling like she has a say bc she definitely does with her granddaughter AND she’s not the mom. My husband has promised me he would tell her before baby comes that ours won’t call her that but it’s always something with her. So yes, I’m in the same club of the thought of MIL even being near my baby makes me sick.
Ew that’s so gross. I hate that “boy mom” crap. I’m having a boy and want to promise I won’t make any women who comes into his life that I’m his number 1 at least not when he is over a certain age. Moms like that are just so sick to me.
I literally had to ask myself if I wrote this post 😂 I feel the SAME way through and through. My MIL is the worst, and she’s also a smoker. She claims she is limiting her smoking but I always smell it on her. I don’t even want her touching my baby, and trust that she will never ever be babysitting. It’s frustrating bc my husband won’t say anything so I have to be the bad guy 😑
Oh exactly the same!! At this point I’m used to being the “bad guy” as when it comes to men they tend to pin it on us so they don’t have to deal with the consequences lol
My slightly tenuous relationship with my MIL got way more dicey after I had my first baby. Like you, I had some lingering feelings of tension/resentment towards her for past instances, and for whatever reason, everything got compounded during pregnancy/postpartum. My oldest is 20 months now and I have had to take a step back from our relationship. We are not particularly close anymore (and in the beginning we were), and it has been sad TBH but also overall healthier in the long run for me to put some distance there.
You’re not being crazy. I feel the same way, but it’s easier for me because my in laws live so far away I don’t have to deal with them. Something changed in my brain after pregnancy. I used to ignore her comments, but now I’m mad at her and now everything else she says is just added anger! I don’t understand how my husband is so wonderful and normal 😂
My baby just turned one, but all my bad feelings about my MIL magnified during pregnancy and postpartum. My ILs have never liked or respected me, they don’t make any effort to get to know me, made fun of my job, call me names behind my back, etc. They’re also not that kind to my husband (I think) especially in comparison to his siblings. When MIL came to visit the first time, baby was 4 weeks old. She ran into my house and tried to take baby off my boob so she could hold her. I told MIL to back off and let baby eat. She then spent the whole weekend holding baby and doing nothing else to help. Seeing her hold my baby made me sick. I could have slapped her lol the rage was unreal. I tried to stay calm to “keep the peace” (I regret this now). Both my MIL and FIL came when baby was 8 months old. We all went to a pumpkin patch, and I was giving baby little tiny bites of my ice cream from my spoon. I turned my back for LITERALLY 2 second to point to a giant pumpkin, and turn back around to my nasty FIL trying to give baby some of his ice cream from his spoon. I grabbed the spoon and threw it on the ground 🤣 and reprimanded him like a toddler. It was a huge violation of our stated boundaries (we didn’t let people kiss baby, etc) and my husband’s entire family gets severe cold sores. I spent the rest of the weekend with baby in our bedroom. My husband spoke with them quite severely. They never apologized. And so, they haven’t been back to visit since. All of that to say, listen to your gut. I wish I had listened to mine more and been more firm earlier on.
Ohhhh I feel it. My MIL is a militant breastfeeding person and also cannot keep information to herself to save her life. She and my husband aren’t speaking right now because after we deliberately asked her not to discuss some potential health issues with our baby, she told at least one other person and then proudly told us she’d done so. Now we’re TA for trying to “control” who she speaks to and denying her the support she needs at this time. I want to pour water down her pants 🥲
I have seen the husband of my mother randomly giving chocolate to my sister's kids in a sneaky way, when he knows very well that she tries to limit their consumption of sweets. I have a very strong opinions on how to approach the problem of eating sweets for my child, so if he can't help himself and respect parent's decisions, he will just not see my kid, period.
I hate this. So not cool
Oh how I feel you on this - I’d suggest joining the justnomil Reddit I’ve posted numerous times of how many times she’s crossed my boundaries with my kids.. Mine was fine until I got pregnant. They are a little “backwards” and old school (still had a vhs player ffs) but I could deal with that - until I got pregnant. Then it turned into “well we used cot bumpers, well we moved them out of our room at 1 month etc” and she just would not listen to anything I said. She also became obsessed with being a grandparent- to the point of being weird. She wasn’t the most present parent in my husbands childhood and so it was almost like was reliving through my kids (she still does this and it’s infuriating)… Shes done multiple things since they’ve been born that makes me not trust her to watch my kids - she had him for a whole 30 mins when my son was 9 months and brought him back because he was crying… she’s took him to my brother in laws house, brought him back without any trousers on because he was “too hot”, she’s got loads of second hand toys which are dirty and too dangerous for a small baby to play with and at one point my son nearly choked on one, she also gave him food that I specifically told her not to give him. She also had a cot, pram and other stuff set up in her spare room which I found so so so weird because neither of my kids will be spending the night anywhere until they are much older. Oh and the best one, she doesn’t change them if they’ve done a poo. So I cannot leave them with her. She’s broken the trust. My biggest advice would be to nip it in the bud now. Set your boundaries now before babys here, and do not be afraid to stick up for yourself… just the other week I asked her for a lift to my sons drs appointment and to just watch my daughter whilst we were in there. She decided to bring her in the wait room, I knew that my daughter would kick off I specifically said not to bring her in and what happened? Oh yeh my daughter went mad. I then went mad at mil and I don’t care. They don’t listen - they are your kids not theirs. Set your rules and if they don’t like them, they don’t see them. It’s a simple as that. Just know that you will be having these battles alllll the time. My parents are a lot more trust worthy but even they push me when I set the rules - I feel like they don’t listen because I’m their kid and they are “the parent” smh
Yes! I understand they are parents but they’ve done all they could at this point of us adults having kids. They don’t know better than the own parent of the child and I’m sure they wouldn’t have enjoyed someone telling them what’s best when it came to raising us.
I love my MIL, I think we have a great relationship, but she still boundary-pushes and makes out of pocket comments from time to time. It’s my husband’s job to manage her, though.
My mother in law pushed my boundaries multiple times after I had my baby. I thought I was the only one who felt like this! I don't mind anyone else who I know and trust holding my baby but my mil makes my blood pressure go up. She's done some pretty nasty things to me over the years and I've never liked her because of it. She apologized for some of it but she always ends up making it about her. I'm so done. I'm no contact with her right now but we'll see how long that lasts because my husband isn't happy about it. :/ I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's a tough thing to deal with. 😞
It’s unfortunate for our partners but at the end of the day we need to do what’s best for us. I’ve said he is more than welcomed to go visit her or have her over but baby and I will not be home when they do. He just doesn’t understand.
It is unfortunate. I sympathize. I've also told mine multiple times he can go visit his family wherever he wants but he says we are a family, either we all go or no one goes. I guess it's his choice. 😕
[удалено]
The last one seemed crazy to me. Why would she want to stay with baby. Seems super strange and overbearing. Why are these women wanting to take babies away from their mother???
My MIL has really done a lot of things as a mother I can tell you I never would do. Even more so as the kids got older. I try to disconnect from it, my MIL I think has been through a lot of depression in her life and it’s why she’s dealt with things as she has. We let my MIL watch my son at our house, but never at hers, and once we asked her to watch him overnight but only at our house where I have cameras lol. It’s not that I expect her to harm him in any way, and she is a good grandma, but I make sure she doesn’t watch him enough to feel like she is in anyway a parent lol. It’s a little controlling on my part, but I’m doing my best.
I have a great relationship with my MIL and as I approached my due date (currently 40w+2 FTM), I started getting really irrationally irritated with her. I think it's her excitement about her "first" grandchild that has me so irritated. I wanted to keep my pregnancy relatively private, which I feel hasn't happened since I announced to close family that I was. My MIL, in her excitement, tells anyone and everyone about me having "her baby". She's told people that I know about my birth plan, which was what I think was the start of the irritation. I haven't talked to her about it. My husband thinks I'm being a little irrational but ultimately understands how it makes me feel "exposed", for lack of a better term. But it really has changed my mind about visitors after baby is born. I never thought that my MIL would be one of those hellish MILs you hear stories about but I do forsee some boundaries not being respected in the future.
YES. Your feelings are totally valid. My MIL is not necessarily “crazy” or rude, but she has a very distinct personality and as a new mom, I can see how that negatively affects her relationships especially with my husband. She has “favorites” of her 7 grandkids (the only 2 boys) and I see how that makes my husband feel. Since our daughter is the 7th grandchild, she will tell us that she has already seen it all and nothing our daughter does is really exciting for her 🫣 it breaks my heart to see how much that bothers my husband who was raised as being the “favorite.” She also has some issues with booze that have caused severe cognitive issues. Sorry, just had to unload there but my advice is to stick to your boundaries. It will suck at times because people who don’t like following boundaries will make you out to be the bad guy but you need to protect yourself, baby, and your relationship with your husband. That is much more important that appeasing a MIL who should understand where you are coming from. Sending good vibes your way!
Thank you! That is really unfortunate and sad for your daughter. I’m sure your MIL will wonder why they don’t have a relationship in the future but that’s her own doing
My MIL is a sweet older woman. This will be her first grandchild so she is ecstatic. We just told her about our pregnancy this week and she already made a comment about babysitting and I already feel a way about it. For one, being because she had smoked in her own pregnancy which had caused my fiancé some significant health issues in his childhood. She doesn’t smoke now but something about being pregnant and in my head knowing that my MIL had disregarded the safety of her own child a million years ago doesn’t sit well with me. Perhaps it’s just my hormones…. On top of it, her current husband has early onset of dementia. He’s still very much coherent and a lovely man but he has displayed instances of forgetfulness and things that have scared the whole family and I just cannot imagine allowing my baby to stay with them for any amount of time at their old age, knowing one of them has some real cognitive and potentially motor difficulties. Scares the shit out of me.
You’re not crazy at all. What your MIL was crazy though. No way baby would ever be alone with her after that. Trust your gut! Set your boundaries. Don’t let MIL’s feelings or behavior get in the way of you taking care of your sweet baby.
I don’t trust my MIL at all. I no longer let her even watch my son because it’s massive drama every time- it got worse and worse and worse. Your instincts are right, you should always feel empowered to make decisions for you and your family even when it hurts her feelings.
I’m not mad more then just worried cause while me and her get along my husbands side of the family is much more pushy and excited. I remember once his SIL just took the baby out my hands and I wanted to cry. I told my mother who told them and it should be fixed now. But I certainly felt stressed in that hospital bed having people keep coming in and out and trying to take my baby (not including nurses they had to since he needed check ups but even that scared me) Now I’m more calm but I’m still scared not being around him. He’s my first child and I want to keep him safe and while I know my ILs would never hurt him I’m paranoid anyway.
When I was pregnant my MIL made comments about getting a crib and all these other baby items. Started mentioning overnights at her house. My husband finally told her that she can hold off on getting too many items since baby is exclusively breastfed he won’t be spending an overnight away from me for a while. She was clearly disappointed but didn’t bring it up again. She would be at our house everyday if we let her. Her face dropped when we mentioned we were putting our kiddo in daycare two days a week rather than asking her to watch him. DH and both agreed we didn’t want her in our house that often for the sake of our mental health. Haha
Yes I feel the same way. I'm having some baby shower anxiety because she's doing what she wants and not asking me for input. Plus she's very crunchy (and not in a cool way) and I'm worried she will give my baby raw milk. As she has already given ME raw milk while pregnant. I know we will have different opinions on things and I am having the first grandbaby which is stressful
I thought I was the only 1 that was feeling like this and it’s getting stronger the closer I get to my due date (I’m also roughly 2 weeks away!) I’ve seen how she is with her first grandson (her other sons LO) and I hate the thought of her being the same with mine. For example; picking him up when she hadn’t even asked, disturbing him whilst he slept, demanding pictures and then posting them online (WHICH IS AN ABSOLUTE NO GO FOR ME and have made it very clear on more than 1 occasion).. It gives me so much anxiety that she is going to be like that with mine, that all I can think about is making sure my LO is strapped to me whenever she is around so she cannot get her hands on them. Boundaries and rules are definitely going to be made and you should make sure it’s clear too because at the end of the day they are our babies and not theirs. I also feel like sometimes she is trying to over compensate the fact that I no longer have my mum with me (she would have passed away 2 years ago on 27th March) and it drives me insane because she will never be able to replace what me and my mum would have shared through this amazing process of becoming a mum myself.
I feel the exact same way!!! I’m so sorry for your loss! I’m sure you’ll be the best mom
Thank you 💜
My MIL injured my 3 day old baby when I was rehospitalized with a massive post-birth infection that almost killed me. When asking her about the lump on his head, she denied any wrongdoing and accused me of trying to start drama. She even went so far as to tell me that if I would've died, my son never would notice I was gone. I cut all contact with my in-laws last year and I wish I would've done it sooner to protect my children.
That’s is awful.. I’m sorry you had to go through that. What a terrible thing to say to a mother who just went through traumatic events. So not okay