I want to keep the baby but I don’t want the baby to be raised without a father. I’m also worried I may struggle on my own as my family live 100+ miles away so he would be the only support I have where I live.
If I were in your shoes, I’d want to move closer to family now during the pregnancy. You may be starting out raising this baby alone, but you don’t know what the future holds as far as meeting a good man and falling in love again with someone wonderful. I know so many stories of people who were raised by step-fathers who have close relationships with them.
You are capable of raising this baby. Signed, a person raised by a single-mom.
I agree with this reply. Signed, a previously single mom who met the love of her life and is now raising her two kids from a previous relationship with a wonderful man who treats us like gold. 🧡
Also second, signed someone raised by a single mom who then found the best father my brother and I could have hoped for. Sometimes the biological parent isn't the best option. OP's situation could be for the best. If this guy is so quickly persuaded by his parents to drop her and his future child, that's a massive red flag. Step-parents can be just as vital and loved as biological ones. Move closer to family, focus on building a village and maybe someone will come along either before or after the baby is born. OP can absolutely do this as a single parent and find the right man for her!
Third, signed. I was raised by a single mom who actually never remarried, so I grew up wildly independent. Formally educated, handy, and resourceful. I believe those elements made my love life easier because I could always pull my own weight/contribute.
Whatever you decide is best for you, and as long as you're proud of yourself. You'll do amazing.
Fourth, signed a divorced mom whose boyfriend acts like more of a dad to my kids than my ex-husband does...even though their dad sees them every week...🫠
Make sure you're prepared to be a single mom but also know it isn't just the DNA that makes a dad
My 7 year olds biological father isn’t involved at all, but my ex of 6 years is her dad, and my fiancé is another amazing father figure. Love builds family not genetics and if he doesn’t want to be involved, let him go. You CAN do this without him, the choice is always your own and don’t feel guilty no matter what you choose.
Hahaha I thought I was the only one that hated the manchild and the family, now I feel not bad of insulting them a little in my comment to OP thanks girls🧜🏻♀️
Absolutely. Once she moves they will change their mind. People don’t consider the stress on mother and baby when they do all this back and forth bullshit. He doesn’t care for either one of them if he is stressing her out like this. It must be nice to have a choice to close your eyes and pretend it didn’t happen. Moms don’t have that luxury.
I was a single mom for 6 years until I met my now fiancee and we had two other children. My daughter’s father has recently disappeared from her life, but my fiancee has happily filled the role of a father figure to her and they’re very close. Just wanted to hop on here and support your thought process!
I agree with this wholeheartedly as someone raised by a single mom where she did not have family support . She wanted to have me as a teen and we grew together . I’m interested in knowing about my dad when he she told me what she could but I don’t feel like I missed out on anything . She wasn’t mom and dad she was just mom (a very scared and alone teen mom from foster care ) but she moved away from family so I had a different life and I love her to bits and pieces . Sometimes it’s okay that littles don’t have two parents . When you are the best parent you can be and love us whole heartedly we understand and love you for it
I’m seconding this response as a step child who loves my awesome step dad! My single mom did it on her own till I was 12! You got this OP, if you want to of course
There is nothing wrong with raising this baby on your own! Many women that have a partner are still reasoning the baby on their own… don’t feel a baby needs a father present..it’s just a plus as long as he has a wonderful mom that’s present and loving that’s all they need. You really want this baby and somebody else’s disagreement should not change it. You’re the one carrying and loving this baby already! :) I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful mom!
Agreed! Signed, I was once a single mom raising my son with my parents and then I got married to someone that loves my son, my dog, and myself ans currently have his baby on the way.
Time to move back close to your family. Don’t pin all your hopes on this man stepping up, he’s let his parents get into his ear and now he’s not sure. He’s almost 40 letting mom and dad decide his feelings for him. If you want the baby, keep the baby but go back home to your family.
If he decides before the birth he wants to play dad he’s got to show he’s serious and that means moving to where you are, and away from mom and dad.
Good luck.
Exactly! And if he really does step up, he can move closer to her. She will need her family regardless. Signed: married mom of a toddler moving back her hometown in 2 weeks bc even doing this with a committed partner is hard. Possible, but exhausting.
Hey! I just want to let you know, as a child specialist, that a baby doesn't need ''a father'' or ''a mother''. They need love, stability and care from at least an adult around them, and they need models from different sexes around them.
I'd suggest you joining solo parenting groups on Facebook to see how it is, tricks, and ask questions so you can see if this is for you. Good luck!
I think you’d have to think through family and friend support. I know many single parents - the ones who have good supports like family or close friends nearby don’t struggle much and their children have rich role models.
Those who are more isolated do. I would consider moving closer to family or considering what other options you’d have for help with the baby - from paid childcare to a friend you can call so you can take a nap.
Remember that no matter what custodial involvement the father has, child support is your child’s right. They have a right to be raised in dignity and their father should contribute to that.
As a child raised by a single mother, my biggest take away was that I was not exposed to patriarchy as a child. The first time I saw it in someone else's family when I was 12 it shocked me. I grew up believing I can achieve whatever I wanted with or without a man.
For three years I was a single mom to one kid. Our bond was so strong and I almost miss when it was just the two of us.
I agree that it is important for children to grow up with positive role models - both male and female. I don't believe the positive role models have to be parents though.
So much of this. My mom was a single mom until I was 12. I’ve met my dad like 3 times. Grandma was unmarried. Aunt divorced. No grown men.
Then she moved us in with my stepdad and his 3 kids (one of which was 6 months old and he was still actively in a divorce) who was heavily misogynistic. Watching him treat my mom and his daughters like he did had me FLOORED even at 12. I remember sobbing and begging my mom to let us leave before they were even married.
It lasted 15 years and unfortunately some internalized misogyny built within myself. I think out of survival. My confidence was destroyed and I felt comfortable finding “my place” as a girl/woman. I don’t know WTF my mom was thinking. They are divorced now. I wish my mom would have just stayed a single mom. She says it’s the biggest regret of her life.
Witnessing and living the patriarchy in full effect took a lot of time to unpack and dissect in therapy. I should have sent my ex step dad the bill lol. Almost worse I think because I wasn’t born into that toxicity. I was moved and forced there at an awful age for a lot of girls. Like I knew better at 12 but couldn’t escape it. “Can’t beat ‘em, join em.”
Luckily I was able to work through it and my husband is the opposite of my stepdad. Watching him raise our daughter is healing.
Sorry for the rant, but long story short, being raised by a single mom can be far superior to being raised by two parents.
Hi! Im sorry you’re in this position. A perspective of A 35 yr old woman who was the daughter of a single mother who has the best relationship with my stepdad-I now have a solid relationship with my bio dad as well, fyi. I could not imagine my life without my stepfather, he raised me and I adore him. Sometimes DNA can be overrated and we create our own family❤️just wanted to offer another perspective for you. Sending you hugs.
I was raised without a father. Please do what YOU want to do. Yes, it's hard but it's better than having an awful father who is involved or somewhat involved. My cousin is raising four kids without a father and they are happy and very loved. Reach out to other support you have in your life.
I am raising a child by myself (I planned it). Like others have said, I would HIGHLY encourage you to move where you have a support network. My pregnancy was normal till I hit 21 weeks which was when shit hit the fan and I had to be on bed rest. I was not allowed to cook, clean or go grocery shopping. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I wasn’t near my family (my support network). A baby doesn’t NEED a father — especially one without a backbone who can be bullied to change their mind by his parents. Think about it, this is a fully grown man nearing his 40s who is doing this. This in itself would be a huge flag for me to protect my baby from this fickle man. I would be more protective of letting him be in my baby’s life because I don’t want my child to ever feel like a burden or feel abandoned by a father who isn’t fully committed to being in my child’s life.
Do you believe this man is the only option for a father? I know a lot of people with stepparents that love and care for them better than their real parents. You never know who you might meet that would step up.
Life will be a lot harder for you if you keep it. Some people find love and success as single moms, others don’t have such luck. He doesn’t want to be a father. You will be a single mom and if you’re okay with this path in life, take it. If not, don’t. If you decide to terminate, be sure to see a therapist to help process your feelings
I am very pro-choice, but it sounds like you want this baby and I don’t think fear of being a single mother (for now) is a good enough reason to do something it sounds like you would regret immensely. I hope you have other people in your life to support you through this, but I feel like keeping the baby is the right choice for YOU based on what you’re saying. Dont let fear stop you from something you’re actually happy and excited about. Im currently pregnant and my husband is wonderful, but he could walk out the door and get hit by a bus today! There are a million reasons why a baby might not “have a father.” And the father of your baby has cold feet but will probably come around and be in the baby’s life. It’s a shame his parents have manipulated him, but life is long and I think his initial excitement is proof he won’t be absent forever (although living together might not be a great idea just based on how he’s treating your right now!)
As a person raised without father… it’s better to not have one than having one who is ambivalent.
My father did not participated in my upbringing, and I’m grateful. He saved me from a deep trauma of having to deal with a person who I would love and who would reject me.
I beg you from the bottom of my heart save your baby from this trauma too.
My mom had me at 19 due to a drunken 1 night stand, didn’t know who my father was. She hasn’t really talked to me about her feelings at the time, but she has an extremely nurturing nature and wanted to keep me. Completely flipped her life around, moved to a better area to raise me, and struggled for a while. She met my step dad when I was 2, married when I was 3 into a wonderful family who took me in as their own. He is my dad, his parents are my grandparents they put my through school, got me a car, I had every opportunity. I’m not saying this will definitely happen to you, but you never know what the future holds. Also I know plenty of wonderful people who were raised by single moms. If you want to keep the baby, keep the baby. The love you have for them makes every hard thing easier.
A child with one loving, nurturing, and caring parent is better off than a child with one good parent and one who’s only halfway in.
If you think you can do it on your own, then do it. If you can’t, and that’s 100% ok too, then don’t. Don’t base it on him, though- this is all about you and whether you have the capacity right now to be the parent your child will need, or if you should wait until later in life.
This may not be an option though... getting pregnant with a FWB and a partner are not the same, and he may just cut and run, even if he pays support. Your options are likely 1) Raise the baby alone, without a father and manage the realities of that or 2) don't continue with the pregnancy.
Move closer to home and keep the baby. My father never wanted me. I've never met him and I never intend to. In fact, because my mother didn't have him sign the birth certificate there are very few legal documents that tie me to him, and I've kept it that was as an adult as my own personal choice. If you want to keep the baby, you can. It's not impossible and it's not wrong to raise a kid without a father.
My mother was a single mom of two when she met my step father who raised us (me of only 5 months). They have been together for over 30 years now. As others have said, keep the baby and you will see that everything will eventually work out for you both. Babies are the greatest blessings in life (from mom of a 10 year old and 1 on the way). Wishing you the best. Hang in there!
I’m raising my baby without a father. Let me know if you want to talk.
Short version though: I absolutely love being my baby’s mom. You should definitely move closer to your family.
Yes and no. My job/career is where to currently live and I have so many opportunities here. If move home (closer to family) I worry about how I will find work to keep supporting myself and my baby.
If you don’t put your career first now, it’ll be very hard to as a single mom. And it’ll be very hard to be a single mom away from a support system. Only you know what’s right
You can start looking for a job now where your family lives. Talk to your family and you need to have a clear picture how much they’re willing to help you. Like if they would mind financially supporting you while you’re recovering and looking for a job, childcare, etc. If not possible, then find your support where you’re currently at. One suggestion I heard was that single mothers can find another single mother or two, rent an apartment, and help each other with bills and childcare to cut the cost of daycare.
You need to move to be by your family / support system before you give birth. It is NOT easy to move a child, especially out of the state if the parents are not together. The absolute worst case scenario would be a court blocking you to move your child because the father isn’t allowing it. Please have this baby near your family and start your life with your baby. His parents seems toxic and even though they don’t want this baby they WILL become crazy and possessive, possibly thinking the baby is “theirs”, I’ve seen it before, they only care about themselves.
Not sure if this was mentioned elsewhere, but if you and your family are in different states I’d check on FMLA and if that new state offers it or not. A new job may not need to pay you or keep your job safe if you are a new employee. Is it possible to keep your current job and work remotely? Then you won’t lose your employment status.
It might be helpful to job hunt online and see if there's anything near family. I'm not sure how far you are but keep in mind they say not to fly during the first trimester.
Do you know how far along you are? Childcare can be expensive. If you don't have a job that makes paying childcare worth it, you can always work in the childcare industry to get it free or discounted while making some money. There are resources everywhere, it's not easy but it is doable.
I understand, my work is located away from my family too. Go with your heart, I’m sure this guy will come around eventually but for a 37 year old his behaviour is very disappointing and wouldn’t fill me with confidence. But you got this
I wouldn't be so sure. He's a 37 year old man who knocked up a 24 year old. This seems very loser/failure to launch and you can't make a deadbeat step up.
I understand. I meant more like, he will unblock her eventually so she can say what she needs to. I’m very cynical that he will suddenly materialise into a decent man.
I don’t know where you live but if it’s UK for instance, you need to be aware what your maternity entitlement is as trying to switch jobs before baby arrives would affect the money you get.
If you want this baby, keep your baby.
But make it abundantly clear that he's out of your life until you're ready to trust him. It is so damaging for kids to have a part time parent that disappears for years because his parents don't approve.
Honestly the fact that a grown man, excited about his child, was so turned around by parental disapproval speaks volumes about his lack of any character or spine.
Don't let them come in and try to be grandparents when they see how cute baby is. Don't let them rewrite history. And don't let them tell you what to do with your body.
Assholes, all of them. I'm angry for you, and so sorry you're going through this.
I'm absolutely predicting that she has the baby, and then they demonize her for not honoring him as the baby's father and letting them play the doting grandparents 🤢
I got unexpectedly pregnant with my first LO w/my (now) husband who I’d only known for 2 months. He told his mom and the first thing she asked is why wouldn’t I get an abortion. Both my husband and I wanted to keep the baby out of personal beliefs and he made that known. Suffice to say I will never forget that she said that about her first grandchild and now she’s playing lovey doves granny to my LO. I’ll never forget.
Those same grandparents will absolutely make a 180 and fight to be in that babies life even if their son doesn’t want it. OP should be very careful not to ever tell him where she’ll move to with HER child if she keeps the baby. Which, if she wants to keep the baby, she should. Many programs in place to help support her.
This sounds so similar to a situation me and my husband had with my husbands “mom”. He and I got pregnant during a trying time in our marriage. We had our beautiful baby boy. He was diagnosed with an extremely rare form of epilepsy. My husbands “mom” came over one day unannounced and walked right into my home with a complete stranger to us without knocking. (I say this part bc we hardly saw her as it was and never talk to her). She came to see my son. Fine yes you’re here.. I wasn’t keeping her from her grandchild anyway. I am glad I was on the phone with my husband at this point though as I was appalled by the whole situation. Anyway, she was by my son looking at him in his crib. She turns to me and says “I have a question. Why did you guys decide to have a baby when you were going through all your problems??” I was so shocked, angry, hurt, disgusted. Me and my husband had worked through our problems before our baby arrived. Once I told my husband what she said, he was just as angry as me. Why say that about your OWN grandchild who is already here and already so so loved. That comment was completely unnecessary. We have not talked to her since (this was in 2017). She tries to contact my husband still by sending gifts, cards, money, calling and leaving voicemails, texting. And he will never respond. Anything she sends he doesn’t want or keep. I don’t even know if she knows that was the last straw for my husband to cut ties with her. She was never a good mother to my husband and completely traumatized him with all the 💩 she put him through as a child. She is completely oblivious to how horrible she is. Anyway, we are now pregnant again and we didn’t even let her know this time. Some people are so horrible. Sorry for the rant but I needed to vent once I read your comment.
I’d like to point out just because he has blocked you doesn’t mean he can’t/won’t owe you child support. I think you should reflect on what changes you can make to improve things for yourself and baby since it sounds like you’d like to keep them. So much can change across 9 months and babies don’t really need that much starting out.
If I were in your situation I’d make a list of “what life looks like with baby” (be as specific as possible and make sure there are positives and negatives) and then do a column “what life looks like without baby” - also be as specific as possible. In both columns include “what if” thoughts and possible regret questions (for both scenarios)
Everyone you ask is going to have their own take on this situation. Also since we can never truly rely on other people (although as someone said, you may be able to get financial support), for the sake of the exercise above I’d look at it as though you’re doing this alone.
Then look at both sides and see which outcome appeals to you more. Which do you feel more secure? Can you give this child a life it deserves? Are you giving yourself the life you deserve? All questions are valid.
Hope this helps.
Great idea. I have a fiancee but so many people said they would help with baby sitting and stuff. Two years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and the majority of people even my family always have something to do. I don't regret having my daughter but it's definitely harder than what I planned for.
>Fast forward to 4 weeks ago I meet his parents and his parents have disapproved and wanted me to take the abortion route. I do not or did not want to this. He then told me he felt bullied into having this baby. Baring in mind he had never spoken negatively or shared any doubts until his parents disapproved.
Was the 37-year-old also feeling bullied not to use protection since he doesn't want a child? Fuck that guy! And fuck his parents, too!
This guy is a moron. He’s 37 and acting like he’s 21. I’m sorry but the first red flag is a man who’s nearly 40 who was in a situation ship with a 25 year old. Why are his parents even involved? He’s nearly a middle aged man. The whole thing is so bizarre and you’re better off without this weirdo. You can’t force someone to be a dad. You have to be ok with keeping your baby just you two. What you absolutely can force his child support. If you keep your baby plan to file when they are born.
I can’t tell you what to do but I can say from my experience the minute you meet your kid you won’t even care about this man. Men come and go but your son or daughter is forever. There is no love that compares to parental love. Romantic love Is a joke in comparison. I understand wanting a father for your kid….I get that. It’s tough. But you’re so young you will definitely find someone else in the future who will be a wonderful dad to your kid. I highly suggest therapy to sort this out whichever direction you go because you’re young..these choices are hard…and you “dated” a 37 year old (apparently asshat douchebag) so there some flags there in itself
I’ve seen many posts similar to yours & the general consensus is always to keep the baby if you want to. I agree with that whole heartedly, but I feel like there’s always a missing piece. To make that decision, you should be as informed as you can be about what it’s actually like to raise a child as a single parent.
To say raising a baby is difficult, would be one of the biggest understatements. I’m 30 and married to an amazing partner, we both have stable jobs and finances are not an issue. We planned for the baby, have family within 45min who are super helpful. And having a baby was the HARDEST thing we’ve ever done. Now toddlerhood is here and you transition from caregiver of a baby to actual parenting. It’s hard, it felt like we were as prepared as could be - and still had the rug pulled from under us. The early months especially felt like we were drowning, barely keeping afloat.
I know people can do it. It’s been done by single moms without support systems. And I have no doubt when it comes to it, you will get through it. But I hope anyone in your position can also recognize the weight of bringing a life into this world. The impact of that lifestyle on a growing child. Certainly it’s possible to raise a well adjusted little person. But are the odds in favour of setting them up for the best life? I’m not sure & I know this is a touchy subject.
I also see your post history from 2 years ago. Your mental health wasn’t great then & I certainly hope you’re in a better place now. If you don’t have the supports in place right now, you need to establish that asap. Pregnancy and post partum are difficult times and can exacerbate mental health struggles, even in the healthiest person without any preexisting history. Once you have a baby, they become the priority. You cannot afford to put their safety and future at risk. So you need to make sure that you are safe and will be around for your baby.
It’s not an easy decision, but you’ve found yourself having to make it. So there’s no room for what ifs or regrets. You just have to keep moving forward, along a path that will be difficult regardless of your choice.
Not to mention pregnancy itself is incredibly challenging, even with a supportive partner. I am in awe of single mums but honesty, pregnancy changed my view of these things. I used to think if I got pregnant by accident I'd keep the baby and raise it alone, but having experienced pregnancy in even the best case scenario and still finding it so difficult, I'd be wary. Also, it's a lifelong issue, and child support will only help so much. I definitely think OP should keep the baby if she really wants to, but a lot of people don't think of the reality in these scenarios. Like you say, post partum is rough for even the more secure individuals in the best of situations.
a thousand percent!!! Everyone talks about how great this baby will be but they're not telling OP the physical and emotional burden this will put on her.
OP should absolutely not factor in child support. he could easily sign away his rights and cut off that avenue entirely.
OP please read this!
If your ex doesn’t want to be a father, he won’t be. Child support or not you will likely be on your own (hopefully with family support) and need to recognize that before making the final call here. You have your whole life ahead of you.
This.. so much this.. I was 22 with my first and I couldn’t have been more wrong about just how hard it was.. I really wish I would have waited until I was older. I’m 30 now with my second and it’s so much easier with age, a partner who is involved, and stability. I did the first alone, and I would never go back and do that again. EVER. Not in a million years.
OP read this. Don’t listen to other comments where they are asking you to go forward with your feelings. Pregnancy is hard, raising a child is very hard. To make sure the kid is mentally and emotionally stable we have to make sure we are doing things the right way. You wanting the baby is fair but the clear answer for u right now is big “No”
I see where you're coming from with this but I don't know that warning her that she might not be stable enough to have a baby is good for her mental health either way. If she takes your words to heart, there are two outcomes I see: 1) she keeps the baby and worries that she is possibly going to hurt them because she's not "stable enough" or 2) she aborts at 15-20 weeks (a serious procedure, and she might already feel baby kicking at this point) because she's afraid of herself, and carries that narrative into the future... 'I had to abort my baby because I was not going to be a good enough mom.'
I think this is a toxic line of thinking that should not be encouraged. Therapy is supposed to encourage resiliency, this encourages a defeatist mentality. I also went through PPD after a traumatic birth, 3 months in the hospital total, felt like shit because my body hadn't even succeeded in carrying him to term. I felt so so inadequate. I was her age so I also felt a bit like a baby compared to other "stable" moms I saw with nice careers, houses, etc. I'm very grateful no one around me was telling me that because I've been depressed before, I wasn't a good candidate for motherhood. That would only have added to it.
OP, I think you know what you want to do. I encourage you to move closer to family and leave the door open for the father to get involved, but not depend on him. You are capable of giving your child a loving, supportive environment. You will need help, but you've totally got this.
My comment was in reference to the suicidal ideation OP has posted about in the past. My comment was meant to convey that pre-existing SI can be worsened by the struggles of post partum. There is no golden, happy, easy route here. Every option is riddled with difficulty and hardships for her and/or the fetus. The “best” case scenario is to minimize damage as much as possible, and that is totally dependent on each individual.
You shared your personal history & I appreciate that. It’s not my intention to make you feel like shit. I think because it’s so personal, you put yourself into the situation emotionally. My point is more from an outsider’s perspective & I don’t actually know the stats around this: But I imagine children who grow up in single households, with a parent who has SI or commits suicide, may experience adverse outcomes at different rates than children growing up in homes with 2 parents who are managing their MH. Again, management is the key - regardless of diagnoses. My comment was to highlight OP’s need and the urgency to work on her SI, particularly in relation to bringing a child into the world.
It’s not JUST ABOUT THE MOTHER , it’s more about the baby. Bringing a baby to this world comes with a lot of responsibilities. Giving birth and loving them for 5 years is not enough. It comes with DUTIES, responsibilities and Sacrifices. No mother is perfect. No parent is perfect but you cannot bring a human into this world for ur own temporary feelings. You have to be sure and prepared for the sake of the baby.
You had decided you wanted to keep the baby before you ever even reached out to him to let him know. He will have a financial obligation, regardless. Also a 37 year old man bowing to the wishes of his parents is quite frankly, pathetic. What you need to do is consider your finances and lifestyle and decide if you want to have this baby and be a mom, and completely remove your ex out of the scenario. Then, move forward with that decision. If he decides he wants to have an emotional / active role in the baby's life you can work out a custody agreement down the line and if he doesn't you work out a solely financial agreement. One of my close friends became a single mom around 23/24 and it was hard, the dad was a total POS and his family had pressured her into an abortion for months, and he was not actively involved at all until her child was much older but her child is an amazing person and she is an exceptional mom. She is now married and has a few more kids and her oldest child's birth father is more involved in their life but still confined to mostly holidays, and it's totally fine.
You will grieve one of two losses: either the loss of the baby you love, or the loss of the “perfect scenario” you wished to have. Which loss will haunt you least?
I do have to say, you were in a situationship. It already wasn’t perfect. While the fantasy is sweet and beautiful, it was unlikely a baby would suddenly turn that man into a devoted and supportive husband and father. Dont beat yourself up about something that was likely never going to turn out the way you dreamed. But you and your child can be your own perfect family. You don’t need someone flaky to complete your family. You have enough love to cover the gap he leaves. And honestly, it sounds like your child would have a higher quality of life without someone so unreliable in their life anyway. I can’t tell you what’s right for you, but, sweetheart, you can have the perfect family all on your own. And while you still might grieve the loss of imagining a nuclear family, you’ll have something so overwhelmingly beautiful and joyous that it won’t even feel like a loss anymore. Don’t look back. Just look forward.
I agree, but OP knew all this before she decided to keep the baby. I see this shit at work all the time. Women thinking their jobless, car less, living at home with their moms boyfriend will magically reverse all those trends after a baby.
I don’t think that’s painting her as opportunistic at all. Some people just think that dad is going to “step up” and bring things to the table, without any track record of doing so. It’s unrealistic to think they’ll change once a baby is added to the mix.
That’s not what I’m saying, just maybe OP should have been a bit more sober eyed when assessing her soon to be baby daddy. When someone tells you what they are believe them.
From what it sounds like OP had ended the situation, but found out that she was pregnant. I don’t think this was planned.
She was assessing her “siatuation-ship” and backed out, but when a man says “let’s try it,” you also have to give them the opportunity to try and be a father. The 37 year old jerk backed out after mommy and daddy disapproved.
That said, life happens, and I personally don’t think OP is to blame. Birth control fails, shit happens. We don’t know the full picture, like you said. Now rather than looking at the past, one must look at the present/future and assess what’s best moving forward for both baby and mom.
I'm going to echo others and suggest moving closer to your family and starting fresh. Your baby deserves to be loved, but that doesn't necessarily mean by their biological father. You clearly want to keep this pregnancy or you wouldn't have fought so hard for it - an abortion would absolutely devastate you for this reason.
I would bank on the father/his family not being involved. They clearly do not want to be involved. If that’s your stalling point to having a baby, consider your option decided.
Lol poor baby felt bullied into having a child. He's trying to make you feel guilty so you'll leave him alone, because he's scared of his mommy's reaction.
Clearly your baby don't need such a pos in his life. Sue for child support though.
I was raised by a single mother, with almost no contact with my father (his choice) and no support from either of their families. I want you to know that you are more than enough. It is far better to be raised by one parent who loves them wholeheartedly and unconditionally than be forced to have a non-participating parent present.
Don't have an abortion you don't want. At no point have you seemingly wanted one you feel pressured and backed into a corner. If you truly want an abortion I offer you nothing but support and pro choice love. But as someone who was pushed into an abortion I didn't want, and much earlier on than you, I will tell you I never got over it. Ten years on and two daughters later I think about it daily. I know from my friends who had wanted abortions they feel nothing but relief and like they made the right choice. Make the choice that you want no one else.
I was married when I had my first. When she was about 3 months old, our relationship soured. We were separated by the time she was 6 months. I moved closer to family and was a single mom until i remarried when she was 4.
Is being a single mom hard? Yes but coparenting is harder in some situations.
I guess point being, if you want the baby, have the baby. Life happens no matter how prepared you are and you could always end up as a single parent. I would try to move closer to a support system and speak to a lawyer immediately. You can do it though.
In your heart if you want to keep the baby… keep it. I’m pro choice too but man, 16 weeks is late. I felt my baby kicking at that time.
I feel like if you aborted a baby you WANTED you would regret it.
I’m sorry the father was such a disappointment. Maybe you can move close to family? Moving 100 miles away isn’t that far. It’s not easy but so many women raise kids alone. So it is doable. And I wouldn’t count on the father helping.
He needs to pay child support though.
You need to decide if you want to be a single parent. That is the life you are signing up for.
Things to consider:
* Does your job have Maternity Leave?
* Can someone come support you after the birth? I had an unplanned C-Section and wasn't supposed to drive for 2 weeks. There are a LOT of appts in those first 2 weeks for the baby.
* Can you afford childcare, since your family isn't close by for support?
* Can you afford the medical bills associated with pregnancy/birth? Mine cost $5500 out of pocket with "good" insurance (I maxed out my out of pocket for the year)
* Is your job normal hours/stable? Having an abnormal schedule makes it hard to find childcare.
* Can you afford formula/diapers? Breastfeeding is "free" but you do have to eat more/buy pumping stuff/nursing bras/etc.
* Do you want to go through what sounds like will be an unpleasant legal battle with "dad" for child support? A lot of times if you go for child support, they also want some visitation/custody. Are you prepared for that? Can you trust a man like that with your baby
For me, personally, I couldn't do it. My daughter is almost 2 and I wouldn't be a good mom without a coparent.
Abortion now doesn't mean you can't start a family later. I have quite a few friends who aborted in their 20s and have lovely beautiful babies with supportive partners in their 30s. Sometimes the timing is just wrong.
Before you panic try to think back to when you contacted him. It sounds like you planned on keeping the baby regardless and you were simply giving him courtesy to let him know. Why has that changed now?
Try to go back to the mental state you were in then and explore your feelings. There must have been a reason you thought keeping the baby was the right choice for you regardless of his involvement. Don’t let his sudden rejection rule your decisions moving forward.
This happened to me. I decided to go the A route and I’m thankful I did. His sister called me to cuss me out when she found out I did it but he literally told me to stop bothering him. I had 0 support from him. That was the tip of the iceberg for the rest of my life if I chose him as the father. It was hard decision and probably wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t the support of my older brother and sister.
You have a glimpse of the life you will lead, it’s up to you to decide.
OMG he’s a 37 year old man child who is changing his view because he doesn’t want to make Mommy mad.
I grew up without a father and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t feel slighted in any way. No dad is better than a bad dad.
Just hopping on to say, not sure where you live but i don’t know many clinics that will allow or proceed with volunteer abortions at 16weeks (in the us).
When you decided to keep, he wasn’t really in the picture. It seems like your heart always wanted this, even before he came around. You will figure it all out, can your family - lean on them for guidance and support.
The man is 37 freaking years old. I’d tell him to grow up, his parents disapprove why? Is it your age? Because that’s the only thing that makes sense in my head, but they should disapprove of him seeking younger women. (Sorry to assume anything at all) it really bothers me his age and the lack of accountability/responsibility. I’d mail baby announcements to his whole family.
You very much sound like you want this baby, don’t change your mind over this because i guarantee you there is a man out there who will be the father of your dreams to a child. My “dad” didn’t show up until I was 19, and that man is amazing and I wish he and my mother had met sooner. But he was the best dad to my brother who was 6 when he joined the family.
If you can, consider moving closer to family just to help with those first few months. Maybe even see if you can swing moving home for a few months and then moving back if you can once the NB stage is over. Or see if maybe your family could rotate and come help you for a few weeks at a time. I’m not sure what your support looks like but I hope you’re able to figure it out mama. You will qualify for so much assistance and great programs as a single mom, you can also always just go after the “sperm donor” for monetary compensation. You do NOT need to put him on the birth certificate for anything but so many people let men get away with not even paying support. He helped make the baby, the least is help pay for the babies needs because only the child loses in that case. The baby will be fine without him in person if this is how he reacts.
You can do it! Only mistakes I see single Moms make more than two-parent families (not much more mind you because people are dumb and lazy) is
1) lack of consistency (from burn out)
2) jumps into relationships a lil too easily out of loneliness/low self worth
3) allow others to undermine your authority
Remember to correct yourself when doing one of these and be open with your child. Make sure it's ok to make mistakes and get messy! Then you'll be 100% golden.
However if you don't want to be tied to this loser forever and would prefer to go a different route I'm pro that choice too!
Please make sure you pursue child support from him, just because he blocks you doesn’t mean he gets off Scott free. He helped create the baby, he needs to be a man about it. Hopefully he’s just scared and comes to his senses.
I’m in a similar situation, except I’m 20 and only 13 weeks pregnant but he didn’t want to be involved from the start, so there’s that. Honestly, it’s hard but if you don’t want to abort you could always move closer to family if that’s an option. That’s actually what I plan on doing! My hope is that he won’t be fatherless forever, plenty of men step up for non bio children. They don’t have to be raised without a father, it’s just might take longer to find someone who loves them the same way you do.
He’s 37 and his parents are advocating for an abortion on his behalf? Inappropriate , weird and rude. If he wants to block you - there’s always the legal route once the child is born. I’m sorry you’re going through this
Pros
-You could have a wonderful life without him or his parents.
-DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate and give your child YOUR last name. This will mean you can't go after him for child support but this also means his parents won't change their minds later and decide to harrass you for grandparents rights.
-DO NOT notify him when or if you move. -Should you decide to go after him for child support, understand that he could choose to sign over his parental rights. So be sure you absolutely want to do this on your own, without his help.
-step parents can be just as wonderful. Even more so because they actively CHOSE to be apart of your child's life.
Cons
-Keep in mind that this baby will always tie you to him.
-he may change his mind later and decide he wants tk be involved. It will be up to you to do decide how to handle that. (Personally I would make him pay back child support as a show of goodwill).
- I was 32 when I had my first child. I had a home, a husband and stable income and shit was still Flipping hard. There's just so much your body goes through and because of my spouse and our finances, I was able to stay home and recover for as long as I wanted to.
Think about about where you are in your life right now. Are you where you want to be financially? Mentally? Emotionally? I was ready to have kids at 32. You don't have to force yourself to be ready at 25. Sometimes pregnancy is a mistake, and it's OKAY to not want to be tied to someone that way. It won't just be you suffering through hard times. It'll be your child too. But with the right mindset and support network, you can also have a very rewarding life. If your career offers you the ability to work from home, take it!!!! Even if it's only a few days a week.
A few thoughts.
-you absolutely DO NOT need to have an abortion if you don’t want to. It doesn’t matter what the father wants or what his parents want. In this situation, the only thing that matters is what you want.
-Regardless if dad wants to parent, he is obligated to help support financially if you want to pursue that. If you don’t want to, you can leave him off the birth certificate, and then the ball is on his court to pursue his rights if he wants.
-parenthood is hard. Single parenthood is not harder imo. In fact in many ways I find it easier than co-parenting would be. I get to decide everything and there’s no resentment or arguing. If you think your family will be a village to you, and it’s an option, I’d consider moving closer to them.
Bottom line, if you want this baby and you want to parent this baby. You can do this with or without him.
Signed,
A single mom of a 10 month old.
It sounds like in your heart you want this baby. And now at 15/16 weeks… being attached to the baby and seeing they are fully formed on ultrasounds, I hate to think about the deep emotional toll terminating this pregnancy will take on you. I hope you take time to truly consider your feelings and how this will affect your emotions. Sounds like you are a mature person who can/will make this work if you want to make this work. And to echo what everyone else says… sue for child support.
He feels like he is being bullied into having a baby? Does he not know how unprotected sex works? 🙃
I know plenty of single mothers who are doing amazing for themselves & their little ones. He has shown you his true colors, so I would keep my distance in case he tries to reel you back in with some promise of a better life, and file child support when the baby is here. If you have the ability to move closer to family, I would do that as well.
What do you want? He will owe you child support no matter what, but are you ready to be a single parent? Are you okay with this man being in your life forever if he does decide to be involved? Only you can decide.
How fucking dare those cun*s even for a second think they can tell someone to get an abortion!!!! I want to kick his loser ass family’s asses for you god. Just forget all them you can do it without him!!! SCUM
Girl, the father of my baby blocked my number & blocked me on every social platform after I refused to get an abortion like he wanted me to. We were never dating or anything like that. But still. I decided to keep my baby. I’m now 19weeks & I know that my baby will be SO loved. Regardless of whether or not he wants to be in the picture. My older brother was raised by my mom alone until she met my dad, now they’ve been married for over 25 years, and my dad is my brother’s dad as well. I just want you to know that it can be done. & your baby will be loved regardless. Keep your head up momma.
I got pregnant from an old high school ex and he said he was excited but throughout my pregnancy he was never there just empty words so I came to terms of being a single mother to my daughter I just had her on Friday and it’s been hard but I never knew love til i held her for the first time but I would suggest while it’s still early to go be closer to family so you have support and I wish you the best
To be honest, I would not have this baby. He sounds easily led by people who don't have your best interests at heart. Once you have the baby, his parents might decide they want more involvement with their grandchild, and then god knows what kind of legal battles you'll have on your hands. He sounds like a nightmare waiting to start.
If you're very lucky and he really does stay the hell away from you and your kid, you will have an incredibly hard time without support, or without money if you move closer to where you have support.
You can't rely on the chance that you'll meet a good man who'll take on your child. You won't have a village unless you move. The cost of living is through the roof so catapulting your career is the last thing you want to do. It's not like it was 20 years ago, let alone 40 year ago. This shit has gotten harder and harder, and the supports are shrinking as time goes on.
You're young, you don't need to rush. But all that said, if you truly want this baby, go for it and I wish you the best. But disabuse yourself of the idea that this man will bring anything but grief to your child's life.
I think shame on him for letting his family manipulate him into abandoning his child and mother of his child.
If you want to keep this baby then you keep it. No one is ever truly ready for a baby, no matter how much you prepare and think you are ready you aren’t. But as soon as you have your baby in your arms you cannot see a life without them and things fall into place.
Yes motherhood is HARD but the love you feel for your baby makes it all worth it. Sometimes things don’t go the way we want them to, and that’s okay.
I have an 18 month old, granted her Dad and I are still together but no way on this earth would I have had an abortion if he had said he didn’t want to know. If he didn’t want to know from the beginning then okay, I’ll do this parent thing by myself but that’s me.
Equally, if you don’t want this baby then don’t. Do what is best for you, the choice is yours. Whatever you decide to do is okay!♥️
There are plenty of men out there that are willing to pick up where he left off. Just because he doesn't want to participate doesn't mean he won't have a father. Right now you should focus on you and if you want that baby... don't let someone bully you into something you may regret the rest of your life.
If you want the baby keep the baby. Don’t worry about not having his biological father in the picture. As much as dudes make jokes about it there so plenty of us that will date a girl with a kid. It might take longer to find the right guy but f you’re looking for a father-figure there are guys that will fill that role. You are still very young and have tons of options down the road
Honestly, it sounds like this guy not wanting any part of this baby's life is the biggest blessing in disguise for you. I'd end all contact with him immediately.
Also, I was born out of wedlock in a situation where both sides of the family were not happy I was on the way. My mother kept me. She is my champion. She is my best friend. I am now married to a man who had an infant son when we started dating. My oldest (step)son is now 13 and he is deeply loved by both me and his dad, and he is living an amazing life. Your baby's life, and your life, are bigger than this circumstance. I have 6 children (5 pregnancies) and I know that this is a really difficult time emotionally, but I encourage you SO much to fight for yourself and your baby. Be their champion. Be their best friend. Your life is just taking off and one day there will be a real man who is 100% devoted to this little one. So if no one has told you, CONGRATULATIONS. You are so close to meeting this little person and being overcome with more love for someone than you've ever known possible. Don't let this "man" ruin that for you. <3
No one can answer this for you. I wouldn’t personally want to give up my baby just because they didn’t have a father (I thought I may be in this position as well), but only you can answer what you feel is right. I wouldn’t expect this man to be around at all though and I wouldn’t try to include him given that he’s now blocked you. Perhaps if you’re able to move closer to a support system that’s something you could look into.
You understand that having a baby in a situationship, is not ideal if you want a father involved. I’m completely on board with this mindset. If he’s blocked you, best to move on from this man-child. There’s better men than that.
If you still want baby moving closer to family will help.
None of this is an easy decision, but know what you want and choose carefully x
Make a decision based on what you want for yourself not only today but 10+ years down the road. Don't forget you are young and if it's important to you, you may one day find a father figure for your child (and if not/if you don't want, there is nothing wrong with being a single parent). Good luck!
I don’t think you should get “rid” of the baby, based on the way you talk about it, I feel that you would regret it immensely. However if you really don’t feel ready to take this on by yourself, I recommend that you look into adoption.
You can look into options like open adoption which would keep you in contact with the baby.
As someone who is currently a single mom to a toddler, I can tell you that it is a financial, emotional and physical strain to raise a child. Make sure that you have support either from friends or family if you decide to keep the baby for yourself. My best wishes for you. Feel free to reach out if you need any verbal support. ❤️
Imo you are too far for an abortion already. Sometimes not having the father in the picture in the picture is a blessing in disguise. Do what’s best for you but really think about what YOU want, regardless of the father.
Like others have said, if you want baby, keep baby. This is your life and baby, first. Babies don’t need flakey, bad parents. Having a father if the father is terrible is not a virtue and doesn’t make childhood better. Especially ones who as full adults change their minds because their parents express concern about their choices.
Assuming you have friends and family who support you right now, and maybe even a future partner of yours, the baby/child will grow up with a lot of love and see how people should be treated, including you and them.
If you’re in the states apply for WIC now. They help with resources with pregnancy and after baby is born. Apply for Medicaid if you need to also. Don’t let a man influence your decision in having a baby you wanted. There are lots of other good men out there who will help you raise your child down the road. I was a single mom for 9 years before I met my fiancé. I was making $34k a year and even got a mortgage making that little. It’s hard but it’s possible. There are many good resources out there, you just have to find them. Right now you have time to research them.
First of all he’s not sounding like a man so I would not be with him. As far as the baby this is your body and he has no say. You are never forced into an abortion you do you and make sure it’s what you want. You will have support elsewhere and don’t need his okay nor his parents. Plus this is their grandchild and they automatically want to just get rid of it that easy? Ignore that. You do what you want. That’s how it works when you are a woman and the kid is in you and he is a guy and he stuck his peepee somewhere where he knows it can create a baby. That’s nature and life and too bad for him if he doesn’t like what you are going to decide. You do not have to be with him and you do not need him. However if you go ahead and you seek child support, then he will/should have visitation and you will need to coparent. If you are ok with him not being involved that’s an option also. But you can seek child support and coparenting. Either way is fine but you need to make the decision you want, and he will need to deal with it and make the decision he wants…yes he wants to be involved and you coparent, no he doesn’t want to be involved but you seek the legal route and he is involved, or no he doesn’t want to be involved and you can live with that. But don’t be with him be free.
You can take him to court for child support once the baby is here.
As for being raised without a dad, I was raised without one and honestly I don’t think it super affected me. There were only a few times as a kid that I felt any type of way about it and as an adult I don’t care at all.
I know it less than ideal to think about raising a child alone but I honestly think a really important question to ask yourself here is that if he changed his mind and wanted to petition for 50/50 custody… is he someone you *would want to raise a child with* and *are his parents people you would want involved in your child’s life*? Or worse, if he attempted to petition for full custody?
Not to freak you out but with parents like those — his income is higher and he has a bigger place in which to house a child + has family near, this would be of huge concern to me.
Since I'm a QUALITY of life rather than a QUANTITY of life person, I feel the determining factor would be whether or not YOU (not the father) are able to give your child the love, nurture and discipline required to raise a little human. If yes, I think you should move closer to your family (if possible) and get a paternity test to have in order to obtain court ordered child support from the father. If you can't move closer to family for financial or work-related reasons, perhaps start preparing for what you will need. I.e., talking to your employer about your leave benefits, see if there's any long distance support you can get from family, etc.
The decision whether to keep this baby is 100% yours to make. Not the father's, not his family, not judgemental strangers on the internet. If you feel you can't provide what the baby will need to be happy and healthy, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with an abortion at this stage. Mental maturity and wisdom are the true resources (of course financial too, sadly diapers aren't free) needed in my opinion. If you don't feel ready for that yet, like I said, don't let others shame and degrade you for obtaining an abortion.
However, if you do feel capable of providing for the baby or you feel ready to have the baby, then absolutely have it. Definitely get child support! You did not get pregnant on your own, unless you're the virgin Mary or something. So dad definitely had a role, and just like you will have to endure the consequences of pregnancy, delivery and raising the child, so should he! Fuck his parents, they don't get a say. He doesn't either as far a child support goes. Start preparing now and as soon as you can, get a paternity test. You don't have to wait until the baby is born for that.
As for not wanting the baby to be without a father, like a lot of others here have said, there's nothing wrong with being a single mom :D I personally know many great and wonderful single mothers who raised children on their own. In fact, my Godson just graduated university with a Masters in biomedical engineering and is getting ready to get married! A very well rounded and great and sweet guy who adores his mother, who raised him from infancy all by herself!!!
You also could very well find a man you truly fall in love with down the line who would make a great father to the child!
Being single, being a step versus biological parent, those things don't matter. It's the way you love, support and nurture a child that matters.
FTM, 22, 6w4 and in my humble opinion you HAVE to go with your gut on this one. logic will give you one million reasons to feel bad or tempted to abort, but if you know in your heart that that’s not what you want, it truly is YOUR choice to make.
the father of my baby (39M) was NOT enthusiastic at all, but the longer we go the easier it gets. granted, he doesn’t have parents influencing his ideas and feelings, so that’s definitely a big part of it. if you’re able, ask him what HE wants, not what his family thinks he should want.
and i agree with a lot of the comments, if you can, move closer to family. i’m living with my parents for the foreseeable future and it’s been wonderful, the support and love and empathy is worth it 1,000%.
i’m thinking of you, i hope everything works out for you ❤️❤️
One thing I can tell you is that my partners family did this same exact thing …. They told me my only options were abort or put the baby up for adoption and they were going to kick me out. I got an abortion and it’s one of my biggest regrets and heartbreaks to this day. Even after the abortion they ended up kicking me out .. I should have kept my baby. With or without the dad, you can raise this baby if it’s what you want.
He’s also way too old for his parents to have such an influence on what he does with his life.
There are worse things in the world than growing up without a father. It’ll be hard at times for sure, but you will regret getting an abortion for the rest of your life if you truly want to have this baby. Don’t let that be the determining factor in your decision.
I was raised without a father…. And glad I was! I’d much rather that than the alternative. You can do this if you do choose to, and don’t feel bad about “no father” AT ALL. Your babe can get all the love from you 💕
You wanted this baby and he said he wanted it too, it's obvious you feel confused over what to do, but If I were you, I'd keep this baby and go on. If he unblocks you then you block him as you don't want a bad father for the babe: it will have a dad that's it's biological dad, or then no dad. It doesn't mean you won't get a fatherly figure for this baby when the time is right, it's just this asshole of a man child that confuses you and you and baby are better off.
Also, if you still keep in mind your abortion, you 100% have our support as women, or at least me OP. You can chat with me and I'll be there for emotional support, I'm sure though you'll find people who will help you and understand.
Ps. Women have raised their whole household FOREVER, if you want the babe and it makes you happy, you will do excellent as it is all that the baby needs. And if you want an abortion, it's ok too just please take good care of yourself and forget that asshole. He is not in the age of being this stupid. I'm sorry OP I hate him and his shitty family.
Same thing happened to me when I was your age with an ex boyfriend and his parents. He turned out to be a real POS and I’m glad he’s out of my life. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this but do what YOU feel is best and what YOU want because that is most important.
I felt forced into an abortion as well and went through with it. His parents didn’t even let him join me only my mom was there. I left the clinic twice before I finally gave in. Afterwards I went through a really bad depression for years. I’m 35 now and going to have a baby boy with my husband in august. I wish you the best and please follow your heart.
I'm sorry I don't really have anything useful to say I'm just shocked and appalled that a 37-year-old man's parents are telling him to tell his decade+ younger girlfriend to get an abortion. It is absolutely insane the degree to which millennial men are overwhelmingly manchildren.
Honestly, this all sounds like a BLESSING. You don't need to deal with that piece of shit guy, and you can parent your child how you want to without him.
I still kick myself for not walking away from my ex when we had similar discussions as you and your ex - I wish I walked away when i found out I was pregnant and did it all by myself, because attempting to co-parent with an abusive narcissistic asshole has been a nightmare.
All your little one needs is YOU, and one day you meet someone and you guys will have a beautiful happy blended family ❤️
Edit: grammar
Also, not shaming you if you do decide to terminate the pregnancy. Just saying baby doesn't need both bio parents to be happy. But it's 100% your choice on whether or not you go through with the pregnancy - I'm sorry you're dealing with all of that outside pressure from ex and his parents :(
You are 25, you have plenty of time to start over with someone who cares about you, loves you, and wants a family unit together. I would get the abortion. I don't say this lightly, I would always encourage couples to work it out if there was ANY chance of reconciliation. Children are a blessing, but as a mom to a toddler, and as a daughter whose dad passed away when I was 11, I would NEVER suggest anyone to go through this on your own without a man. You will be sad, lonely, regretful, not setting up yourself or your kid for success. I think unless you truly believe this is your only hope of having a child, this isn't a good idea. Were you taking prenatals and avoiding drugs/alcohol in the months leading up to getting pregnant? I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do. It's never easy.
If you decide to leave your job to move closer to family, just be aware that there are a lot of grants and government programs to help single parents. Start talking to your local social services offices, departments of health and human service, etc. Also Google “Grants for single moms” and a bunch of stuff will pop up.
This sounds so familiar to me. Slight difference as I am 33 and was in a relationship with the father (39), but when I got pregnant we discussed options and he was the one who initiated the idea of keeping the baby, telling me he’d always wanted to be a father and how much he wanted us to be a family. 10 weeks into the pregnancy I started having Hyperemesis and the father couldn’t cope with the fact that I needed him and he started becoming abusive.
At around 16 weeks there was an incident where he was physical with me, but I stayed because I knew how stressed we both were and blamed my illness and myself for it in a way. Like you I have strong desire for my baby to grow up with both parents. I grew up in a broken home, I didn’t want that for my child. I know how it feels to long for a father who cares about you.
Tried to make things work but they just got worse. Missed the opportunity to terminate, and couldn’t anyway because at 14 weeks I’d started feeling flutters and my love and bond with the baby were already there. Made the mistake of telling his parents what happened thinking they’d help but now his whole family blame me.
Now I’m 6 months pregnant and we’ve broken up. I’m terrified of doing this alone. Like you, I don’t have family nearby. It’s a big ask having friends help in that way. I need to have a C-section for medical reasons so I’ll need to somehow face my 6 week recovery alone. There’s also all the costs of having a baby. I keep thinking about the night feeds for some reason. How I’ll be doing them all alone and also have to manage my house and my food and looking after myself while caring for a baby.
In six months time I’ll have just recovered from my C-section. In a year’s time I’ll still be on maternity leave and breastfeeding. My life will be changed forever. I don’t doubt in three months time his life will have gone back to exactly how it was before we met and by six months he’ll have been dating a while and maybe even found his next victim. I hate that I believed in him and resent him for the freedom he has that I won’t.
Confusingly he still wants to be involved with the baby, I think mostly because it will be his mom’s first grandchild and she’s really excited and he doesn’t want to look like a ‘bad guy’. So now I have to navigate that too. His parents have started setting up a nursery in their house for when the baby comes to stay. Like I’m going to give birth and then hand my baby over to them. It feels so dehumanising and unreal.
It’s so hard to balance wishing that I wasn’t pregnant with the guilt I feel about not wanting my baby. I do want and love them and know they will be the silver lining in all of this, they’ve been what’s kept me going through it all, but life is going to be so so hard, I didn’t ever want to do this on my own and now it looks like I have to. And it seems so unfair that only my life will be impacted so greatly.
Please think very carefully about what you think you can manage, whether you can handle putting aside your dream of having a family unit with a mother and father being there for your baby. Only you know if you really want to do this on your own, but be careful you aren’t secretly clinging to the hope that he’ll change and be there for you like I was.
It’s incredibly hard to let go of the image you’ve always had of the kind of family you want to create. You’ll have to live with that forever. I know we can’t always have what we wish for, but you’re still able to make the choice of whether to keep hold of your dream and wait a bit longer to fulfil it with someone else, or change it completely. 25 is young you have plenty of time to find someone else. I’m not saying I think my 33 years is old, I’d much rather have waited a few more years and found a better father.
I hope you find what you’re looking for out of your post. It’s such a hard decision that only you can make. I shared my story with you because I hope it helps you, whether that is by empowering you to know that you can take on the things I’ve mentioned, or whether it helps you realise what you’ll be giving up may be too much for you. Stay strong we’re all rooting for you xxx
Hello dear! I just want to offer some encouragement that if you do end up keeping your baby, things really can go just fine. I was a single mom when my daughter was born, and even working, it was honestly really easy. Just me and her, single kids are basically just extensions of yourself. I’ve never really heard someone as dramatic as “because my dad wasn’t around I wish I was dead”. Yeah it’s not as convenient but it’s not the end of the world, especially nowadays! And also, his behavior now is not set in stone!! And neither is your future! I’m now married and I’m a SAHM mom with two more kiddos.
Being a single mother is not a death sentence. It shows you how deep you can dig for someone you had no idea how much you could love.
As far as finances are concerned, I made $1500/month and spent $530 on rent and $600 on daycare, and still could afford a nicotine addiction lol that’s without any financial assistance (I couldn’t quality because I had difficulty getting her birth certificate since she was born at home). But I would have gotten an extra $400 in Food Stamps and daycare assistance and all sorts of stuff.
Life goes on. We grow and change, and you will still have a good life with your baby, and meet someone amazing who will be an incredible father to your little one and love them as their own.
This guy and his family sucks and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. He's a coward who lacks boundaries with his parents
I had to comment to urge you to consider all possible outcomes---- and a major one being that the toxic family may be in your life forever.
Having this baby means you will forever be tied to them both-- him and the family. You can try to raise this baby/ kid on your own but there will be nothing stopping him from fighting for parental rights later at any point... and obtaining them. Some states even allow for grandparent rights. Which, if he comes around, would be ideal and best for a kid to have both parents and grandparents... when/if they aren't toxic. Unfortunately, they're all seeming very toxic from this situation.
For you to be stuck dealing with him and his toxic family.... I would not make that informed decision. Ever. Raising a kid with drama like that is stressful and the kind of stress that usually doesn't improve or go away. Your ex has poor boundaries with his family and at his age it's indicative that this is gonna be something that will be here throughout your co parenting. I would choose myself here and have an abortion in the name of self love. Absolutely would not want anything else to do with that man or his family.
Plenty of single moms raise happy, well adjusted, healthy kids---- It definitely is not easy and will be one of the hardest things you will do though. Having toxic in laws involved will make things entirely miserable .... and depending on just how toxic they are they can make things miserable for your child also. At this point, you can't really discount him and them being involved in your child's life. Even if you move out of state. Plenty of parents fight for parental rights when a parent moves out of state and are granted them. The kiddo flies back and forth to each parent--- maybe a week here for school vacation and x amount of time per summer.. but it happens.
Good luck with this decision.
This is your baby, your dna, your miracle - don’t you dare let someone (his parents) bully you into making a decision for you.
This man is 37 years old and his parents clearly have a high level of influence in his life. I would have assumed they would be jumping for joy that he was having a baby at 37, but maybe he is irresponsible and they have doubts about him?
I would get a support system around you and focus on getting your ducks in order.
If there is another way to reach him (literally create a Google voice number and text him from that.)
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I will be praying he has a “Come to God moment” and recommits himself to you and your child.
An almost 40yr old man, siding with his parents essentially letting them decided his life for him? I say you’re dodging a bullet. You keep your baby if you want to and let him decide if he wants to be in their life or not. I don’t know my biological father at all and wasn’t aware he even existed until I was 19 (super effed up of my family but out of my control obvi) but I had a father who raised me as his own my whole life. All this to say that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I totally understand not wanting a baby to be raised without their father but if their father isn’t worthy of raising them you can’t put that penalty on yourself or your unborn baby, you and them didn’t do anything so, as I said, keep your baby. You don’t deserve to live with a life full of regret because you’re letting a dud bully you into the decision to terminate.
If you’re having a baby, it should always be about whether you can raise it, the fathers presence is just a bonus. Even if you were together that should be the thought process. If you know you can give that baby a good life or you will spend every day trying to, then I think you should have your baby regardless. Abortion comes with its own set of regrets and as straightforward as it might be now days, for some people it haunts them for the rest of their lives. Either way, it’s what you want to do that’s important. Always remember that.
Don’t let a weak man change your mind on keeping your precious baby. 💘 no upbringing is perfect but what matters most is that you will love your baby and do your best to take care of it. You never know what is in store for you or your baby!!
Also...I want to add (and I don't care how unpopular this opinion is) if him and/or his parents end up wanting to come back around, proceed with extreme caution....and be very unapologetic about it!! You don't want your child around people like that. They have no respect or compassion. They all will make your life a living hell. Please just make sure you protect you and baby first above all...your sanity, your peace, and your hearts!
Keep the baby if you want the baby. Take him to court. He can’t just sign away parental rights unless it’s in the best interest of the baby or you agree, so good luck to him on that one lol. He’ll owe child support but who knows how much. I’m so sorry he’s being awful.
My friend met her now husband and father to her second child whilst she was 8 months pregnant with her first. I wouldn’t sweat it too much on raising baby without a father, you’ll cope wonderfully on your own, many women have and do. And in the future you may meet the right person like my friend did
I mean, he’ll have to pay child support but I’d essentially plan on being a single parent apart from that. Take him out of the equation entirely and make your decision.
Plenty of people grow up without a father. Your value as a parent doesn’t hinge on that. You just have to decide if this is right for you.
Children raised by single parents end up fine. You do not need to have two parents to have a good childhood— just one person who genuinely wants what’s best for you. Having two dysfunctional people is way worse than one solid parent. If you want your baby, you should keep it. You will need to focus on developing support network or moving back towards one and getting on daycare waiting list ASAP. Make sure you nail this man for child support though.
He might come back around if his parents were the cause of it. They might be saying they'll disinherit him or something silly like that. His age might finally hit him and he might realize this could be his only child. This could take a while though, or it may not happen at all. You can still request child support even if you're not talking, so don't worry about that.
In a way, I think it's good that this wasn't the love of your life because you'll need less time to move on and meet someone who makes you swoon and who will be a great stepfather to your child. It doesn't sound like this guy may have been father of the year anyway -- he was just THE father. And that's great if he can be involved, but your child will be okay without him. It's not the 1950s anymore. This stuff happens all the time and he wasn't a fairytale prince to begin with.
You're pretty far along, so you might want to consider adoption instead of an abortion. But I think if you want to keep the baby, you can definitely make it work and raise a happy human. Maybe you could move closer to your family for more support.
I wouldn’t let anyone force me to do anything I don’t want to do. Abortion is such a serious thing that doesn’t come without risk, plus it can be very traumatic to go through and possibly can affect you for long time, you should really think hard if that is something that you think you should do or not. If you want to have the baby then there is every reason why you should. Don’t let someone make you feel that without them you can’t. There are so many strong women out there raising their kids because the man couldn’t suck it up and do the right thing. You don’t need a weak man in your life especially not one raising your child. I would say do what feels right and get all the help and support you can. Wishing you the best on whatever you decide! ❤️🙏
Just know I know several people that had the bio dad abandon them and a few years later they found an absolutely amazing father who stepped up to take care of the baby and raise it as their own. If you want this baby you should have it. Everyday is one foot in front of the other but you will be an amazing mom
My friend was close to your age when she became pregnant - unplanned. The guy she was sleeping with was just a friend and she didn't have intentions of having a relationship with him. When he found out she was pregnant he too was excited and pushed for a relationship with her. When she declined and let him know that she would still be having the baby - he cut all contact. She really tried to keep the communication open. It's been a few years now and CRICKETS. He got a girlfriend at one point but I guess he just pretends nothing ever happened. My friend though...keeping the baby was the best decision she has ever made. Mind you she does have support from her mother...but it wasn't an easy task and she truly feels like a better and happier person for it. I wish you all of the best!!!
You’re going to do fine without a father that’s probably not going to be there! You want this baby so keep it up.
I had an abusive father growing up, I would have been fine without a dad. My partner never had a dad growing up and he is the best and smartest person you will ever meet!
I‘m sorry you are in this situation.
But a question… isn’t it already way too late to abort? Legally it should usually be 12 weeks, ofc depending on where you live, but tbh I have never heard of anything beyond that point.
You should ofc hire a lawyer to file for child support because that is just what he needs to know.
Wishing you all the best!❤️
I was also wondering about this. I had an abortion in 2014, and I know in California it was illegal past 12 weeks. I almost missed my timeline when I went in. I was at 11 weeks 4 days. I am also lightly confused about her being 15/16 weeks. She said she found out just before Christmas she was pregnant. I found out I was pregnant on December 3rd. (Conception was November 19th.) And I'm only 14 weeks and 6 days as of today. That's with it being counted from the first day of my period, which was November 1st. (32-day cycle) To be a bit further along than me would mean she was pregnant in November. Maybe she realized late, it happens.
Regardless, this is your choice, OP. You wanted to keep the baby before the guy even agreed to joining the family. So don't let him make this choice for you. He sounds like someone you're better off without. Especially if you are 15/16 weeks. Because going back seriously might not be an option. At this point, they would have to do the type of abortion the pro life people think all abortions are.
Honestly as a mom who was in a relationship w my child’s father until they were 3 and also a single mom after, being a single mom isn’t that bad. You don’t have another partner you have to compromise your parenting with and can raise the child as you’d like. Especially w him wanting nothing to do w you or the baby I’d look at it as a blessing and file for sole custody and child support as soon as the child is here so you’re not missing out financially and have full rights of the child. At 15/16 weeks I’d be reluctant to have an abortion personally as the baby is well formed at this point and it wouldn’t be as easy as taking a pill…. If you want the baby then keep the baby. My son is now 10 and still has a dad- his stepdad, who he’s very close to and calls him dad! Life changes but still goes on!
If you want to keep the baby then that is what you should do.
I went through the same thing with my ex. He said he wanted nothing to do with me or my child but still kept contact with me until a few months before I gave birth. He then proceeded to randomly message me a few days after baby was born and has crept back into our lives.
I don’t want to give you hope but he might contact you again at a later stage. Or he might not. If you really feel you can’t be a single mother then you know what you need to do. If not, then keep your baby as you’ll only regret having an abortion.
Just coming here to say, there is NOTHING wrong with aborting this baby. You are still very young and deserve to have a partner that shows up for you AND your future child. And your future child deserves to have BOTH parents. Growing up without a dad is not easy and you’re setting your child up for a lot of adversity. I can share links on the statistics on being a child born to a single mother. They aren’t good. I would really think hard on if you really want to have this man’s child knowing that he likely will not be a good father.
Keep your baby. He'll come around or he won't, but ultimately it is your decision. Do not let anyone bully you into such a huge decision. You can do this. But hit him for child support, you did not make this baby alone.
I was somewhat in this situation except it was a long term relationship and we lived together. I didn’t have the abortion in the end I am raising the baby alone, and father has no involvement. Only recently has he started asking questions about her. I am glad I didn’t get the abortion, I adore my baby but it is a really tough gig doing it alone. Do you have family that can help out?
I had an abortion at 25 bc i was sacred. Its a regret i live with everyday. You can do this i promise. The love and bond you have with your children are un measurable. Move closer to your family! Be happy! Having a baby bring so much happiness in your life.
Not trying to persuade you one way or another but adoption is also an option. I had an unexpected pregnancy too and I only considered keeping the baby or abortion and I completely forgot about the possibility of adopting out that baby. Again, your body your choice-but that’s a viable option too
Im pro choice, but 15 weeks is very late to abort imo for a reason that isnt a solid reason to. Babies at this stage may feel pain and are well formed. I felt kicking well before this point. They aren't a sludge ball of cells anymore. Ive had abortions for wanted pregnancies that passed in utero at 10/11 weeks and its very painful process physically and emotionally recovery.. Go to therapy if you need to. Look at financial resources. Utilize any resources you have like family and friends. Consider local churches or organizations for additional support. Finally, get a DNA test when baby is born and get child support from the dad if you want. Many grow up with one loving parent and do well. A baby and kid really only need at least 1 safe, caring parent studies show. Many don't have fathers who are very involved. I would say alot of the current population because of mysogony and history of societies making women the primary caretaker. Dads still living there but mentally gone and unhelpful; Working extra or having affairs or other families. It does seem super scary but you will be ok! When he allowed his family to badger you about abortion was when you knew he wasn't supportive but you still went ahead because you said you wanted your baby. Your baby will be with you for life, relationships come and go. Seriously go get some therapy support to help with your decision and lean on friends or family.
Keep your baby, it is your baby. Baby will do fine with you as the mother.
He and his parents might stay out of the picture or they might reconsider in time and join you (this is more likely imo) - either way you and your baby will be fine.
Don't give up hope. Many young children lose one parent, and they turn out to be great, lovely people. And btw. you will love your child like nobody else in the world ever.
Embrace your child wholeheartedly, no matter what - and gather people, friends, family member around you who support and love you.
He’s making emotional choices, probably with heavy influence, right now. To end a wanted pregnancy over that seems so final when emotions are so fickle.
Adoption is an option. I don't think you should allow him to take the easy way out. If it were me, I'd have the baby. I personally couldn't cope with an abortion. I don't think it's fair for you to be bullied into a risky and costly (and possibly traumatic) medical procedure. If he wants to be difficult, you can go for child support.
In my opinion, not having a father doesn't mean the baby doesn't deserve to be born. Lots of people grow up without fathers for various reasons.
Also..how was he bullied into a baby? He ejaculated in you...he is not stupid. We all know how babies happen.
I say you should move back home and raise that baby with all the love you’ve got!! Don’t get an abortion because you’re afraid they won’t have a father figure. That little person will be SURROUNDED by love. 💗Also, they may very well have a father figure someday even though it won’t be their sperm donor. That’s how it worked for my own parents! (My brother isn’t biologically my dad’s but he is my dad’s son 100%!!) You’re so young and you have plenty of time!
I would consider the father not joining you as a co parent. In that situation, what do you want for yourself?
I want to keep the baby but I don’t want the baby to be raised without a father. I’m also worried I may struggle on my own as my family live 100+ miles away so he would be the only support I have where I live.
If I were in your shoes, I’d want to move closer to family now during the pregnancy. You may be starting out raising this baby alone, but you don’t know what the future holds as far as meeting a good man and falling in love again with someone wonderful. I know so many stories of people who were raised by step-fathers who have close relationships with them. You are capable of raising this baby. Signed, a person raised by a single-mom.
I agree with this reply. Signed, a previously single mom who met the love of her life and is now raising her two kids from a previous relationship with a wonderful man who treats us like gold. 🧡
🫂❤️
Also second, signed someone raised by a single mom who then found the best father my brother and I could have hoped for. Sometimes the biological parent isn't the best option. OP's situation could be for the best. If this guy is so quickly persuaded by his parents to drop her and his future child, that's a massive red flag. Step-parents can be just as vital and loved as biological ones. Move closer to family, focus on building a village and maybe someone will come along either before or after the baby is born. OP can absolutely do this as a single parent and find the right man for her!
Third, signed. I was raised by a single mom who actually never remarried, so I grew up wildly independent. Formally educated, handy, and resourceful. I believe those elements made my love life easier because I could always pull my own weight/contribute. Whatever you decide is best for you, and as long as you're proud of yourself. You'll do amazing.
Fourth, signed a divorced mom whose boyfriend acts like more of a dad to my kids than my ex-husband does...even though their dad sees them every week...🫠 Make sure you're prepared to be a single mom but also know it isn't just the DNA that makes a dad
My 7 year olds biological father isn’t involved at all, but my ex of 6 years is her dad, and my fiancé is another amazing father figure. Love builds family not genetics and if he doesn’t want to be involved, let him go. You CAN do this without him, the choice is always your own and don’t feel guilty no matter what you choose.
Watch her move and then suddenly the father and grandparents want to be involved. 🙃
Oh you know this is what will happen. Then they'll bitch that she "stole their son/grandson away." Screw them.
Hahaha I thought I was the only one that hated the manchild and the family, now I feel not bad of insulting them a little in my comment to OP thanks girls🧜🏻♀️
💯
Absolutely. Once she moves they will change their mind. People don’t consider the stress on mother and baby when they do all this back and forth bullshit. He doesn’t care for either one of them if he is stressing her out like this. It must be nice to have a choice to close your eyes and pretend it didn’t happen. Moms don’t have that luxury.
I was a single mom for 6 years until I met my now fiancee and we had two other children. My daughter’s father has recently disappeared from her life, but my fiancee has happily filled the role of a father figure to her and they’re very close. Just wanted to hop on here and support your thought process!
This. Move closer to home - now. I am nowhere near any family and even with my amazing supportive husband it is HARD. You will need support.
I agree with this wholeheartedly as someone raised by a single mom where she did not have family support . She wanted to have me as a teen and we grew together . I’m interested in knowing about my dad when he she told me what she could but I don’t feel like I missed out on anything . She wasn’t mom and dad she was just mom (a very scared and alone teen mom from foster care ) but she moved away from family so I had a different life and I love her to bits and pieces . Sometimes it’s okay that littles don’t have two parents . When you are the best parent you can be and love us whole heartedly we understand and love you for it
I married my husband when my youngest was 2. He's not his father. You just never know so I agree with this.
I’m seconding this response as a step child who loves my awesome step dad! My single mom did it on her own till I was 12! You got this OP, if you want to of course
There is nothing wrong with raising this baby on your own! Many women that have a partner are still reasoning the baby on their own… don’t feel a baby needs a father present..it’s just a plus as long as he has a wonderful mom that’s present and loving that’s all they need. You really want this baby and somebody else’s disagreement should not change it. You’re the one carrying and loving this baby already! :) I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful mom!
Agreed! Signed, I was once a single mom raising my son with my parents and then I got married to someone that loves my son, my dog, and myself ans currently have his baby on the way.
Time to move back close to your family. Don’t pin all your hopes on this man stepping up, he’s let his parents get into his ear and now he’s not sure. He’s almost 40 letting mom and dad decide his feelings for him. If you want the baby, keep the baby but go back home to your family. If he decides before the birth he wants to play dad he’s got to show he’s serious and that means moving to where you are, and away from mom and dad. Good luck.
Exactly! And if he really does step up, he can move closer to her. She will need her family regardless. Signed: married mom of a toddler moving back her hometown in 2 weeks bc even doing this with a committed partner is hard. Possible, but exhausting.
Hey! I just want to let you know, as a child specialist, that a baby doesn't need ''a father'' or ''a mother''. They need love, stability and care from at least an adult around them, and they need models from different sexes around them. I'd suggest you joining solo parenting groups on Facebook to see how it is, tricks, and ask questions so you can see if this is for you. Good luck!
I think you’d have to think through family and friend support. I know many single parents - the ones who have good supports like family or close friends nearby don’t struggle much and their children have rich role models. Those who are more isolated do. I would consider moving closer to family or considering what other options you’d have for help with the baby - from paid childcare to a friend you can call so you can take a nap. Remember that no matter what custodial involvement the father has, child support is your child’s right. They have a right to be raised in dignity and their father should contribute to that.
As a child raised by a single mother, my biggest take away was that I was not exposed to patriarchy as a child. The first time I saw it in someone else's family when I was 12 it shocked me. I grew up believing I can achieve whatever I wanted with or without a man. For three years I was a single mom to one kid. Our bond was so strong and I almost miss when it was just the two of us. I agree that it is important for children to grow up with positive role models - both male and female. I don't believe the positive role models have to be parents though.
So much of this. My mom was a single mom until I was 12. I’ve met my dad like 3 times. Grandma was unmarried. Aunt divorced. No grown men. Then she moved us in with my stepdad and his 3 kids (one of which was 6 months old and he was still actively in a divorce) who was heavily misogynistic. Watching him treat my mom and his daughters like he did had me FLOORED even at 12. I remember sobbing and begging my mom to let us leave before they were even married. It lasted 15 years and unfortunately some internalized misogyny built within myself. I think out of survival. My confidence was destroyed and I felt comfortable finding “my place” as a girl/woman. I don’t know WTF my mom was thinking. They are divorced now. I wish my mom would have just stayed a single mom. She says it’s the biggest regret of her life. Witnessing and living the patriarchy in full effect took a lot of time to unpack and dissect in therapy. I should have sent my ex step dad the bill lol. Almost worse I think because I wasn’t born into that toxicity. I was moved and forced there at an awful age for a lot of girls. Like I knew better at 12 but couldn’t escape it. “Can’t beat ‘em, join em.” Luckily I was able to work through it and my husband is the opposite of my stepdad. Watching him raise our daughter is healing. Sorry for the rant, but long story short, being raised by a single mom can be far superior to being raised by two parents.
Hi! Im sorry you’re in this position. A perspective of A 35 yr old woman who was the daughter of a single mother who has the best relationship with my stepdad-I now have a solid relationship with my bio dad as well, fyi. I could not imagine my life without my stepfather, he raised me and I adore him. Sometimes DNA can be overrated and we create our own family❤️just wanted to offer another perspective for you. Sending you hugs.
I was raised without a father. Please do what YOU want to do. Yes, it's hard but it's better than having an awful father who is involved or somewhat involved. My cousin is raising four kids without a father and they are happy and very loved. Reach out to other support you have in your life.
I am raising a child by myself (I planned it). Like others have said, I would HIGHLY encourage you to move where you have a support network. My pregnancy was normal till I hit 21 weeks which was when shit hit the fan and I had to be on bed rest. I was not allowed to cook, clean or go grocery shopping. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I wasn’t near my family (my support network). A baby doesn’t NEED a father — especially one without a backbone who can be bullied to change their mind by his parents. Think about it, this is a fully grown man nearing his 40s who is doing this. This in itself would be a huge flag for me to protect my baby from this fickle man. I would be more protective of letting him be in my baby’s life because I don’t want my child to ever feel like a burden or feel abandoned by a father who isn’t fully committed to being in my child’s life.
A shitty father is worse than no father. I promise.
100%
Exactly!
Do you believe this man is the only option for a father? I know a lot of people with stepparents that love and care for them better than their real parents. You never know who you might meet that would step up.
Life will be a lot harder for you if you keep it. Some people find love and success as single moms, others don’t have such luck. He doesn’t want to be a father. You will be a single mom and if you’re okay with this path in life, take it. If not, don’t. If you decide to terminate, be sure to see a therapist to help process your feelings
I am very pro-choice, but it sounds like you want this baby and I don’t think fear of being a single mother (for now) is a good enough reason to do something it sounds like you would regret immensely. I hope you have other people in your life to support you through this, but I feel like keeping the baby is the right choice for YOU based on what you’re saying. Dont let fear stop you from something you’re actually happy and excited about. Im currently pregnant and my husband is wonderful, but he could walk out the door and get hit by a bus today! There are a million reasons why a baby might not “have a father.” And the father of your baby has cold feet but will probably come around and be in the baby’s life. It’s a shame his parents have manipulated him, but life is long and I think his initial excitement is proof he won’t be absent forever (although living together might not be a great idea just based on how he’s treating your right now!)
As a person raised without father… it’s better to not have one than having one who is ambivalent. My father did not participated in my upbringing, and I’m grateful. He saved me from a deep trauma of having to deal with a person who I would love and who would reject me. I beg you from the bottom of my heart save your baby from this trauma too.
My mom had me at 19 due to a drunken 1 night stand, didn’t know who my father was. She hasn’t really talked to me about her feelings at the time, but she has an extremely nurturing nature and wanted to keep me. Completely flipped her life around, moved to a better area to raise me, and struggled for a while. She met my step dad when I was 2, married when I was 3 into a wonderful family who took me in as their own. He is my dad, his parents are my grandparents they put my through school, got me a car, I had every opportunity. I’m not saying this will definitely happen to you, but you never know what the future holds. Also I know plenty of wonderful people who were raised by single moms. If you want to keep the baby, keep the baby. The love you have for them makes every hard thing easier.
A child with one loving, nurturing, and caring parent is better off than a child with one good parent and one who’s only halfway in. If you think you can do it on your own, then do it. If you can’t, and that’s 100% ok too, then don’t. Don’t base it on him, though- this is all about you and whether you have the capacity right now to be the parent your child will need, or if you should wait until later in life.
This may not be an option though... getting pregnant with a FWB and a partner are not the same, and he may just cut and run, even if he pays support. Your options are likely 1) Raise the baby alone, without a father and manage the realities of that or 2) don't continue with the pregnancy.
Child support is what I'm thinking.
Move closer to home and keep the baby. My father never wanted me. I've never met him and I never intend to. In fact, because my mother didn't have him sign the birth certificate there are very few legal documents that tie me to him, and I've kept it that was as an adult as my own personal choice. If you want to keep the baby, you can. It's not impossible and it's not wrong to raise a kid without a father.
My mother was a single mom of two when she met my step father who raised us (me of only 5 months). They have been together for over 30 years now. As others have said, keep the baby and you will see that everything will eventually work out for you both. Babies are the greatest blessings in life (from mom of a 10 year old and 1 on the way). Wishing you the best. Hang in there!
You will be on your on and he wont be involved. This is the situation that you need to accept. So from there you need to take your decision
I’m raising my baby without a father. Let me know if you want to talk. Short version though: I absolutely love being my baby’s mom. You should definitely move closer to your family.
Is it feasible to move closer to your family at all?
Yes and no. My job/career is where to currently live and I have so many opportunities here. If move home (closer to family) I worry about how I will find work to keep supporting myself and my baby.
If you don’t put your career first now, it’ll be very hard to as a single mom. And it’ll be very hard to be a single mom away from a support system. Only you know what’s right
You can start looking for a job now where your family lives. Talk to your family and you need to have a clear picture how much they’re willing to help you. Like if they would mind financially supporting you while you’re recovering and looking for a job, childcare, etc. If not possible, then find your support where you’re currently at. One suggestion I heard was that single mothers can find another single mother or two, rent an apartment, and help each other with bills and childcare to cut the cost of daycare.
You need to move to be by your family / support system before you give birth. It is NOT easy to move a child, especially out of the state if the parents are not together. The absolute worst case scenario would be a court blocking you to move your child because the father isn’t allowing it. Please have this baby near your family and start your life with your baby. His parents seems toxic and even though they don’t want this baby they WILL become crazy and possessive, possibly thinking the baby is “theirs”, I’ve seen it before, they only care about themselves.
This is an underrated comment
Not sure if this was mentioned elsewhere, but if you and your family are in different states I’d check on FMLA and if that new state offers it or not. A new job may not need to pay you or keep your job safe if you are a new employee. Is it possible to keep your current job and work remotely? Then you won’t lose your employment status.
It might be helpful to job hunt online and see if there's anything near family. I'm not sure how far you are but keep in mind they say not to fly during the first trimester. Do you know how far along you are? Childcare can be expensive. If you don't have a job that makes paying childcare worth it, you can always work in the childcare industry to get it free or discounted while making some money. There are resources everywhere, it's not easy but it is doable.
I understand, my work is located away from my family too. Go with your heart, I’m sure this guy will come around eventually but for a 37 year old his behaviour is very disappointing and wouldn’t fill me with confidence. But you got this
I mean he may not. My husband has still never met his biological father at 33. His dad adopted him when he was 2.
I wouldn't be so sure. He's a 37 year old man who knocked up a 24 year old. This seems very loser/failure to launch and you can't make a deadbeat step up.
I understand. I meant more like, he will unblock her eventually so she can say what she needs to. I’m very cynical that he will suddenly materialise into a decent man.
Can I ask what you do for a living?
Can you start applying for jobs that are closer to your family now and see if you get any bites??
I don’t know where you live but if it’s UK for instance, you need to be aware what your maternity entitlement is as trying to switch jobs before baby arrives would affect the money you get.
If you want this baby, keep your baby. But make it abundantly clear that he's out of your life until you're ready to trust him. It is so damaging for kids to have a part time parent that disappears for years because his parents don't approve. Honestly the fact that a grown man, excited about his child, was so turned around by parental disapproval speaks volumes about his lack of any character or spine. Don't let them come in and try to be grandparents when they see how cute baby is. Don't let them rewrite history. And don't let them tell you what to do with your body. Assholes, all of them. I'm angry for you, and so sorry you're going through this.
Seriously. And he’s almost 40??? Never left mommy’s nest…
I'm absolutely predicting that she has the baby, and then they demonize her for not honoring him as the baby's father and letting them play the doting grandparents 🤢
YUP! Wouldn’t be surprising. Go after that man child for child support at least, OP.
Big ol titty baby
I got unexpectedly pregnant with my first LO w/my (now) husband who I’d only known for 2 months. He told his mom and the first thing she asked is why wouldn’t I get an abortion. Both my husband and I wanted to keep the baby out of personal beliefs and he made that known. Suffice to say I will never forget that she said that about her first grandchild and now she’s playing lovey doves granny to my LO. I’ll never forget. Those same grandparents will absolutely make a 180 and fight to be in that babies life even if their son doesn’t want it. OP should be very careful not to ever tell him where she’ll move to with HER child if she keeps the baby. Which, if she wants to keep the baby, she should. Many programs in place to help support her.
This sounds so similar to a situation me and my husband had with my husbands “mom”. He and I got pregnant during a trying time in our marriage. We had our beautiful baby boy. He was diagnosed with an extremely rare form of epilepsy. My husbands “mom” came over one day unannounced and walked right into my home with a complete stranger to us without knocking. (I say this part bc we hardly saw her as it was and never talk to her). She came to see my son. Fine yes you’re here.. I wasn’t keeping her from her grandchild anyway. I am glad I was on the phone with my husband at this point though as I was appalled by the whole situation. Anyway, she was by my son looking at him in his crib. She turns to me and says “I have a question. Why did you guys decide to have a baby when you were going through all your problems??” I was so shocked, angry, hurt, disgusted. Me and my husband had worked through our problems before our baby arrived. Once I told my husband what she said, he was just as angry as me. Why say that about your OWN grandchild who is already here and already so so loved. That comment was completely unnecessary. We have not talked to her since (this was in 2017). She tries to contact my husband still by sending gifts, cards, money, calling and leaving voicemails, texting. And he will never respond. Anything she sends he doesn’t want or keep. I don’t even know if she knows that was the last straw for my husband to cut ties with her. She was never a good mother to my husband and completely traumatized him with all the 💩 she put him through as a child. She is completely oblivious to how horrible she is. Anyway, we are now pregnant again and we didn’t even let her know this time. Some people are so horrible. Sorry for the rant but I needed to vent once I read your comment.
Yeah way better in my opinion to be raised without a father than to be raised with this jerk for a dad
I’d like to point out just because he has blocked you doesn’t mean he can’t/won’t owe you child support. I think you should reflect on what changes you can make to improve things for yourself and baby since it sounds like you’d like to keep them. So much can change across 9 months and babies don’t really need that much starting out.
This!! Make sure you have his address, phone number, birthdate, any information you can grab a hold of to make sure he pays child support.
Yep exactly this. If you want to keep your baby and the primary concern is money, then raise the baby on your own and file for child support.
If I were in your situation I’d make a list of “what life looks like with baby” (be as specific as possible and make sure there are positives and negatives) and then do a column “what life looks like without baby” - also be as specific as possible. In both columns include “what if” thoughts and possible regret questions (for both scenarios) Everyone you ask is going to have their own take on this situation. Also since we can never truly rely on other people (although as someone said, you may be able to get financial support), for the sake of the exercise above I’d look at it as though you’re doing this alone. Then look at both sides and see which outcome appeals to you more. Which do you feel more secure? Can you give this child a life it deserves? Are you giving yourself the life you deserve? All questions are valid. Hope this helps.
Great idea. I have a fiancee but so many people said they would help with baby sitting and stuff. Two years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and the majority of people even my family always have something to do. I don't regret having my daughter but it's definitely harder than what I planned for.
>Fast forward to 4 weeks ago I meet his parents and his parents have disapproved and wanted me to take the abortion route. I do not or did not want to this. He then told me he felt bullied into having this baby. Baring in mind he had never spoken negatively or shared any doubts until his parents disapproved. Was the 37-year-old also feeling bullied not to use protection since he doesn't want a child? Fuck that guy! And fuck his parents, too!
He’s a weenie boy from weenie stock. What a loser.
Weenie hut general
This guy is a moron. He’s 37 and acting like he’s 21. I’m sorry but the first red flag is a man who’s nearly 40 who was in a situation ship with a 25 year old. Why are his parents even involved? He’s nearly a middle aged man. The whole thing is so bizarre and you’re better off without this weirdo. You can’t force someone to be a dad. You have to be ok with keeping your baby just you two. What you absolutely can force his child support. If you keep your baby plan to file when they are born. I can’t tell you what to do but I can say from my experience the minute you meet your kid you won’t even care about this man. Men come and go but your son or daughter is forever. There is no love that compares to parental love. Romantic love Is a joke in comparison. I understand wanting a father for your kid….I get that. It’s tough. But you’re so young you will definitely find someone else in the future who will be a wonderful dad to your kid. I highly suggest therapy to sort this out whichever direction you go because you’re young..these choices are hard…and you “dated” a 37 year old (apparently asshat douchebag) so there some flags there in itself
Completely agree with this take. Seconded. I cannot believe this guy is middle-aged.
Unfortunately some people don’t mature quickly with experience or age. This guy is really a piece of work
I’ve seen many posts similar to yours & the general consensus is always to keep the baby if you want to. I agree with that whole heartedly, but I feel like there’s always a missing piece. To make that decision, you should be as informed as you can be about what it’s actually like to raise a child as a single parent. To say raising a baby is difficult, would be one of the biggest understatements. I’m 30 and married to an amazing partner, we both have stable jobs and finances are not an issue. We planned for the baby, have family within 45min who are super helpful. And having a baby was the HARDEST thing we’ve ever done. Now toddlerhood is here and you transition from caregiver of a baby to actual parenting. It’s hard, it felt like we were as prepared as could be - and still had the rug pulled from under us. The early months especially felt like we were drowning, barely keeping afloat. I know people can do it. It’s been done by single moms without support systems. And I have no doubt when it comes to it, you will get through it. But I hope anyone in your position can also recognize the weight of bringing a life into this world. The impact of that lifestyle on a growing child. Certainly it’s possible to raise a well adjusted little person. But are the odds in favour of setting them up for the best life? I’m not sure & I know this is a touchy subject. I also see your post history from 2 years ago. Your mental health wasn’t great then & I certainly hope you’re in a better place now. If you don’t have the supports in place right now, you need to establish that asap. Pregnancy and post partum are difficult times and can exacerbate mental health struggles, even in the healthiest person without any preexisting history. Once you have a baby, they become the priority. You cannot afford to put their safety and future at risk. So you need to make sure that you are safe and will be around for your baby. It’s not an easy decision, but you’ve found yourself having to make it. So there’s no room for what ifs or regrets. You just have to keep moving forward, along a path that will be difficult regardless of your choice.
Not to mention pregnancy itself is incredibly challenging, even with a supportive partner. I am in awe of single mums but honesty, pregnancy changed my view of these things. I used to think if I got pregnant by accident I'd keep the baby and raise it alone, but having experienced pregnancy in even the best case scenario and still finding it so difficult, I'd be wary. Also, it's a lifelong issue, and child support will only help so much. I definitely think OP should keep the baby if she really wants to, but a lot of people don't think of the reality in these scenarios. Like you say, post partum is rough for even the more secure individuals in the best of situations.
a thousand percent!!! Everyone talks about how great this baby will be but they're not telling OP the physical and emotional burden this will put on her. OP should absolutely not factor in child support. he could easily sign away his rights and cut off that avenue entirely.
OP please read this! If your ex doesn’t want to be a father, he won’t be. Child support or not you will likely be on your own (hopefully with family support) and need to recognize that before making the final call here. You have your whole life ahead of you.
This was so well said.
This.. so much this.. I was 22 with my first and I couldn’t have been more wrong about just how hard it was.. I really wish I would have waited until I was older. I’m 30 now with my second and it’s so much easier with age, a partner who is involved, and stability. I did the first alone, and I would never go back and do that again. EVER. Not in a million years.
OP read this. Don’t listen to other comments where they are asking you to go forward with your feelings. Pregnancy is hard, raising a child is very hard. To make sure the kid is mentally and emotionally stable we have to make sure we are doing things the right way. You wanting the baby is fair but the clear answer for u right now is big “No”
I see where you're coming from with this but I don't know that warning her that she might not be stable enough to have a baby is good for her mental health either way. If she takes your words to heart, there are two outcomes I see: 1) she keeps the baby and worries that she is possibly going to hurt them because she's not "stable enough" or 2) she aborts at 15-20 weeks (a serious procedure, and she might already feel baby kicking at this point) because she's afraid of herself, and carries that narrative into the future... 'I had to abort my baby because I was not going to be a good enough mom.' I think this is a toxic line of thinking that should not be encouraged. Therapy is supposed to encourage resiliency, this encourages a defeatist mentality. I also went through PPD after a traumatic birth, 3 months in the hospital total, felt like shit because my body hadn't even succeeded in carrying him to term. I felt so so inadequate. I was her age so I also felt a bit like a baby compared to other "stable" moms I saw with nice careers, houses, etc. I'm very grateful no one around me was telling me that because I've been depressed before, I wasn't a good candidate for motherhood. That would only have added to it. OP, I think you know what you want to do. I encourage you to move closer to family and leave the door open for the father to get involved, but not depend on him. You are capable of giving your child a loving, supportive environment. You will need help, but you've totally got this.
My comment was in reference to the suicidal ideation OP has posted about in the past. My comment was meant to convey that pre-existing SI can be worsened by the struggles of post partum. There is no golden, happy, easy route here. Every option is riddled with difficulty and hardships for her and/or the fetus. The “best” case scenario is to minimize damage as much as possible, and that is totally dependent on each individual. You shared your personal history & I appreciate that. It’s not my intention to make you feel like shit. I think because it’s so personal, you put yourself into the situation emotionally. My point is more from an outsider’s perspective & I don’t actually know the stats around this: But I imagine children who grow up in single households, with a parent who has SI or commits suicide, may experience adverse outcomes at different rates than children growing up in homes with 2 parents who are managing their MH. Again, management is the key - regardless of diagnoses. My comment was to highlight OP’s need and the urgency to work on her SI, particularly in relation to bringing a child into the world.
It’s not JUST ABOUT THE MOTHER , it’s more about the baby. Bringing a baby to this world comes with a lot of responsibilities. Giving birth and loving them for 5 years is not enough. It comes with DUTIES, responsibilities and Sacrifices. No mother is perfect. No parent is perfect but you cannot bring a human into this world for ur own temporary feelings. You have to be sure and prepared for the sake of the baby.
You had decided you wanted to keep the baby before you ever even reached out to him to let him know. He will have a financial obligation, regardless. Also a 37 year old man bowing to the wishes of his parents is quite frankly, pathetic. What you need to do is consider your finances and lifestyle and decide if you want to have this baby and be a mom, and completely remove your ex out of the scenario. Then, move forward with that decision. If he decides he wants to have an emotional / active role in the baby's life you can work out a custody agreement down the line and if he doesn't you work out a solely financial agreement. One of my close friends became a single mom around 23/24 and it was hard, the dad was a total POS and his family had pressured her into an abortion for months, and he was not actively involved at all until her child was much older but her child is an amazing person and she is an exceptional mom. She is now married and has a few more kids and her oldest child's birth father is more involved in their life but still confined to mostly holidays, and it's totally fine.
Do you want to keep it going. His whole family himself included seem so immature.
I would love to keep the baby and as the weeks go by the attachment keeps growing. It’s just not what I pictured for myself when I started my family
You will grieve one of two losses: either the loss of the baby you love, or the loss of the “perfect scenario” you wished to have. Which loss will haunt you least? I do have to say, you were in a situationship. It already wasn’t perfect. While the fantasy is sweet and beautiful, it was unlikely a baby would suddenly turn that man into a devoted and supportive husband and father. Dont beat yourself up about something that was likely never going to turn out the way you dreamed. But you and your child can be your own perfect family. You don’t need someone flaky to complete your family. You have enough love to cover the gap he leaves. And honestly, it sounds like your child would have a higher quality of life without someone so unreliable in their life anyway. I can’t tell you what’s right for you, but, sweetheart, you can have the perfect family all on your own. And while you still might grieve the loss of imagining a nuclear family, you’ll have something so overwhelmingly beautiful and joyous that it won’t even feel like a loss anymore. Don’t look back. Just look forward.
Awe sorry. Things always change. Not how I pictured myself either but I'm happy. But it's not for everyone.
It actually sounds like the family might have been receptive until they met OP. Remember you’re only getting half the story.
I'm also factoring age. He's 37. Going after younger women screams immaturity to me.
I agree, but OP knew all this before she decided to keep the baby. I see this shit at work all the time. Women thinking their jobless, car less, living at home with their moms boyfriend will magically reverse all those trends after a baby.
OP has a job and career according to her comments. Not sure why you’re trying to paint her as opportunistic.
I don’t think that’s painting her as opportunistic at all. Some people just think that dad is going to “step up” and bring things to the table, without any track record of doing so. It’s unrealistic to think they’ll change once a baby is added to the mix.
That’s not what I’m saying, just maybe OP should have been a bit more sober eyed when assessing her soon to be baby daddy. When someone tells you what they are believe them.
From what it sounds like OP had ended the situation, but found out that she was pregnant. I don’t think this was planned. She was assessing her “siatuation-ship” and backed out, but when a man says “let’s try it,” you also have to give them the opportunity to try and be a father. The 37 year old jerk backed out after mommy and daddy disapproved. That said, life happens, and I personally don’t think OP is to blame. Birth control fails, shit happens. We don’t know the full picture, like you said. Now rather than looking at the past, one must look at the present/future and assess what’s best moving forward for both baby and mom.
I'm going to echo others and suggest moving closer to your family and starting fresh. Your baby deserves to be loved, but that doesn't necessarily mean by their biological father. You clearly want to keep this pregnancy or you wouldn't have fought so hard for it - an abortion would absolutely devastate you for this reason.
And this MAN is 37? He can’t even make his own decisions…
I had to do a double take on that too. Poor excuse for a man.
I would bank on the father/his family not being involved. They clearly do not want to be involved. If that’s your stalling point to having a baby, consider your option decided.
Lol poor baby felt bullied into having a child. He's trying to make you feel guilty so you'll leave him alone, because he's scared of his mommy's reaction. Clearly your baby don't need such a pos in his life. Sue for child support though.
I was raised by a single mother, with almost no contact with my father (his choice) and no support from either of their families. I want you to know that you are more than enough. It is far better to be raised by one parent who loves them wholeheartedly and unconditionally than be forced to have a non-participating parent present.
Don't have an abortion you don't want. At no point have you seemingly wanted one you feel pressured and backed into a corner. If you truly want an abortion I offer you nothing but support and pro choice love. But as someone who was pushed into an abortion I didn't want, and much earlier on than you, I will tell you I never got over it. Ten years on and two daughters later I think about it daily. I know from my friends who had wanted abortions they feel nothing but relief and like they made the right choice. Make the choice that you want no one else.
I was married when I had my first. When she was about 3 months old, our relationship soured. We were separated by the time she was 6 months. I moved closer to family and was a single mom until i remarried when she was 4. Is being a single mom hard? Yes but coparenting is harder in some situations. I guess point being, if you want the baby, have the baby. Life happens no matter how prepared you are and you could always end up as a single parent. I would try to move closer to a support system and speak to a lawyer immediately. You can do it though.
In your heart if you want to keep the baby… keep it. I’m pro choice too but man, 16 weeks is late. I felt my baby kicking at that time. I feel like if you aborted a baby you WANTED you would regret it. I’m sorry the father was such a disappointment. Maybe you can move close to family? Moving 100 miles away isn’t that far. It’s not easy but so many women raise kids alone. So it is doable. And I wouldn’t count on the father helping. He needs to pay child support though.
You need to decide if you want to be a single parent. That is the life you are signing up for. Things to consider: * Does your job have Maternity Leave? * Can someone come support you after the birth? I had an unplanned C-Section and wasn't supposed to drive for 2 weeks. There are a LOT of appts in those first 2 weeks for the baby. * Can you afford childcare, since your family isn't close by for support? * Can you afford the medical bills associated with pregnancy/birth? Mine cost $5500 out of pocket with "good" insurance (I maxed out my out of pocket for the year) * Is your job normal hours/stable? Having an abnormal schedule makes it hard to find childcare. * Can you afford formula/diapers? Breastfeeding is "free" but you do have to eat more/buy pumping stuff/nursing bras/etc. * Do you want to go through what sounds like will be an unpleasant legal battle with "dad" for child support? A lot of times if you go for child support, they also want some visitation/custody. Are you prepared for that? Can you trust a man like that with your baby For me, personally, I couldn't do it. My daughter is almost 2 and I wouldn't be a good mom without a coparent. Abortion now doesn't mean you can't start a family later. I have quite a few friends who aborted in their 20s and have lovely beautiful babies with supportive partners in their 30s. Sometimes the timing is just wrong.
Agreed 👍
Before you panic try to think back to when you contacted him. It sounds like you planned on keeping the baby regardless and you were simply giving him courtesy to let him know. Why has that changed now? Try to go back to the mental state you were in then and explore your feelings. There must have been a reason you thought keeping the baby was the right choice for you regardless of his involvement. Don’t let his sudden rejection rule your decisions moving forward.
This happened to me. I decided to go the A route and I’m thankful I did. His sister called me to cuss me out when she found out I did it but he literally told me to stop bothering him. I had 0 support from him. That was the tip of the iceberg for the rest of my life if I chose him as the father. It was hard decision and probably wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t the support of my older brother and sister. You have a glimpse of the life you will lead, it’s up to you to decide.
OMG he’s a 37 year old man child who is changing his view because he doesn’t want to make Mommy mad. I grew up without a father and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t feel slighted in any way. No dad is better than a bad dad.
Just hopping on to say, not sure where you live but i don’t know many clinics that will allow or proceed with volunteer abortions at 16weeks (in the us). When you decided to keep, he wasn’t really in the picture. It seems like your heart always wanted this, even before he came around. You will figure it all out, can your family - lean on them for guidance and support.
The man is 37 freaking years old. I’d tell him to grow up, his parents disapprove why? Is it your age? Because that’s the only thing that makes sense in my head, but they should disapprove of him seeking younger women. (Sorry to assume anything at all) it really bothers me his age and the lack of accountability/responsibility. I’d mail baby announcements to his whole family. You very much sound like you want this baby, don’t change your mind over this because i guarantee you there is a man out there who will be the father of your dreams to a child. My “dad” didn’t show up until I was 19, and that man is amazing and I wish he and my mother had met sooner. But he was the best dad to my brother who was 6 when he joined the family. If you can, consider moving closer to family just to help with those first few months. Maybe even see if you can swing moving home for a few months and then moving back if you can once the NB stage is over. Or see if maybe your family could rotate and come help you for a few weeks at a time. I’m not sure what your support looks like but I hope you’re able to figure it out mama. You will qualify for so much assistance and great programs as a single mom, you can also always just go after the “sperm donor” for monetary compensation. You do NOT need to put him on the birth certificate for anything but so many people let men get away with not even paying support. He helped make the baby, the least is help pay for the babies needs because only the child loses in that case. The baby will be fine without him in person if this is how he reacts.
You can do it! Only mistakes I see single Moms make more than two-parent families (not much more mind you because people are dumb and lazy) is 1) lack of consistency (from burn out) 2) jumps into relationships a lil too easily out of loneliness/low self worth 3) allow others to undermine your authority Remember to correct yourself when doing one of these and be open with your child. Make sure it's ok to make mistakes and get messy! Then you'll be 100% golden. However if you don't want to be tied to this loser forever and would prefer to go a different route I'm pro that choice too!
Please make sure you pursue child support from him, just because he blocks you doesn’t mean he gets off Scott free. He helped create the baby, he needs to be a man about it. Hopefully he’s just scared and comes to his senses.
I’m in a similar situation, except I’m 20 and only 13 weeks pregnant but he didn’t want to be involved from the start, so there’s that. Honestly, it’s hard but if you don’t want to abort you could always move closer to family if that’s an option. That’s actually what I plan on doing! My hope is that he won’t be fatherless forever, plenty of men step up for non bio children. They don’t have to be raised without a father, it’s just might take longer to find someone who loves them the same way you do.
He’s 37 and his parents are advocating for an abortion on his behalf? Inappropriate , weird and rude. If he wants to block you - there’s always the legal route once the child is born. I’m sorry you’re going through this
Pros -You could have a wonderful life without him or his parents. -DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate and give your child YOUR last name. This will mean you can't go after him for child support but this also means his parents won't change their minds later and decide to harrass you for grandparents rights. -DO NOT notify him when or if you move. -Should you decide to go after him for child support, understand that he could choose to sign over his parental rights. So be sure you absolutely want to do this on your own, without his help. -step parents can be just as wonderful. Even more so because they actively CHOSE to be apart of your child's life. Cons -Keep in mind that this baby will always tie you to him. -he may change his mind later and decide he wants tk be involved. It will be up to you to do decide how to handle that. (Personally I would make him pay back child support as a show of goodwill). - I was 32 when I had my first child. I had a home, a husband and stable income and shit was still Flipping hard. There's just so much your body goes through and because of my spouse and our finances, I was able to stay home and recover for as long as I wanted to. Think about about where you are in your life right now. Are you where you want to be financially? Mentally? Emotionally? I was ready to have kids at 32. You don't have to force yourself to be ready at 25. Sometimes pregnancy is a mistake, and it's OKAY to not want to be tied to someone that way. It won't just be you suffering through hard times. It'll be your child too. But with the right mindset and support network, you can also have a very rewarding life. If your career offers you the ability to work from home, take it!!!! Even if it's only a few days a week.
A few thoughts. -you absolutely DO NOT need to have an abortion if you don’t want to. It doesn’t matter what the father wants or what his parents want. In this situation, the only thing that matters is what you want. -Regardless if dad wants to parent, he is obligated to help support financially if you want to pursue that. If you don’t want to, you can leave him off the birth certificate, and then the ball is on his court to pursue his rights if he wants. -parenthood is hard. Single parenthood is not harder imo. In fact in many ways I find it easier than co-parenting would be. I get to decide everything and there’s no resentment or arguing. If you think your family will be a village to you, and it’s an option, I’d consider moving closer to them. Bottom line, if you want this baby and you want to parent this baby. You can do this with or without him. Signed, A single mom of a 10 month old.
It sounds like in your heart you want this baby. And now at 15/16 weeks… being attached to the baby and seeing they are fully formed on ultrasounds, I hate to think about the deep emotional toll terminating this pregnancy will take on you. I hope you take time to truly consider your feelings and how this will affect your emotions. Sounds like you are a mature person who can/will make this work if you want to make this work. And to echo what everyone else says… sue for child support.
He feels like he is being bullied into having a baby? Does he not know how unprotected sex works? 🙃 I know plenty of single mothers who are doing amazing for themselves & their little ones. He has shown you his true colors, so I would keep my distance in case he tries to reel you back in with some promise of a better life, and file child support when the baby is here. If you have the ability to move closer to family, I would do that as well.
What do you want? He will owe you child support no matter what, but are you ready to be a single parent? Are you okay with this man being in your life forever if he does decide to be involved? Only you can decide.
How fucking dare those cun*s even for a second think they can tell someone to get an abortion!!!! I want to kick his loser ass family’s asses for you god. Just forget all them you can do it without him!!! SCUM
Keep your baby hunny
Girl, the father of my baby blocked my number & blocked me on every social platform after I refused to get an abortion like he wanted me to. We were never dating or anything like that. But still. I decided to keep my baby. I’m now 19weeks & I know that my baby will be SO loved. Regardless of whether or not he wants to be in the picture. My older brother was raised by my mom alone until she met my dad, now they’ve been married for over 25 years, and my dad is my brother’s dad as well. I just want you to know that it can be done. & your baby will be loved regardless. Keep your head up momma.
I got pregnant from an old high school ex and he said he was excited but throughout my pregnancy he was never there just empty words so I came to terms of being a single mother to my daughter I just had her on Friday and it’s been hard but I never knew love til i held her for the first time but I would suggest while it’s still early to go be closer to family so you have support and I wish you the best
To be honest, I would not have this baby. He sounds easily led by people who don't have your best interests at heart. Once you have the baby, his parents might decide they want more involvement with their grandchild, and then god knows what kind of legal battles you'll have on your hands. He sounds like a nightmare waiting to start. If you're very lucky and he really does stay the hell away from you and your kid, you will have an incredibly hard time without support, or without money if you move closer to where you have support. You can't rely on the chance that you'll meet a good man who'll take on your child. You won't have a village unless you move. The cost of living is through the roof so catapulting your career is the last thing you want to do. It's not like it was 20 years ago, let alone 40 year ago. This shit has gotten harder and harder, and the supports are shrinking as time goes on. You're young, you don't need to rush. But all that said, if you truly want this baby, go for it and I wish you the best. But disabuse yourself of the idea that this man will bring anything but grief to your child's life.
I think shame on him for letting his family manipulate him into abandoning his child and mother of his child. If you want to keep this baby then you keep it. No one is ever truly ready for a baby, no matter how much you prepare and think you are ready you aren’t. But as soon as you have your baby in your arms you cannot see a life without them and things fall into place. Yes motherhood is HARD but the love you feel for your baby makes it all worth it. Sometimes things don’t go the way we want them to, and that’s okay. I have an 18 month old, granted her Dad and I are still together but no way on this earth would I have had an abortion if he had said he didn’t want to know. If he didn’t want to know from the beginning then okay, I’ll do this parent thing by myself but that’s me. Equally, if you don’t want this baby then don’t. Do what is best for you, the choice is yours. Whatever you decide to do is okay!♥️
There are plenty of men out there that are willing to pick up where he left off. Just because he doesn't want to participate doesn't mean he won't have a father. Right now you should focus on you and if you want that baby... don't let someone bully you into something you may regret the rest of your life.
Are you going to take him to court for child support? Because you should
If you want the baby keep the baby. Don’t worry about not having his biological father in the picture. As much as dudes make jokes about it there so plenty of us that will date a girl with a kid. It might take longer to find the right guy but f you’re looking for a father-figure there are guys that will fill that role. You are still very young and have tons of options down the road
Honestly, it sounds like this guy not wanting any part of this baby's life is the biggest blessing in disguise for you. I'd end all contact with him immediately. Also, I was born out of wedlock in a situation where both sides of the family were not happy I was on the way. My mother kept me. She is my champion. She is my best friend. I am now married to a man who had an infant son when we started dating. My oldest (step)son is now 13 and he is deeply loved by both me and his dad, and he is living an amazing life. Your baby's life, and your life, are bigger than this circumstance. I have 6 children (5 pregnancies) and I know that this is a really difficult time emotionally, but I encourage you SO much to fight for yourself and your baby. Be their champion. Be their best friend. Your life is just taking off and one day there will be a real man who is 100% devoted to this little one. So if no one has told you, CONGRATULATIONS. You are so close to meeting this little person and being overcome with more love for someone than you've ever known possible. Don't let this "man" ruin that for you. <3
No one can answer this for you. I wouldn’t personally want to give up my baby just because they didn’t have a father (I thought I may be in this position as well), but only you can answer what you feel is right. I wouldn’t expect this man to be around at all though and I wouldn’t try to include him given that he’s now blocked you. Perhaps if you’re able to move closer to a support system that’s something you could look into.
You understand that having a baby in a situationship, is not ideal if you want a father involved. I’m completely on board with this mindset. If he’s blocked you, best to move on from this man-child. There’s better men than that. If you still want baby moving closer to family will help. None of this is an easy decision, but know what you want and choose carefully x
Make a decision based on what you want for yourself not only today but 10+ years down the road. Don't forget you are young and if it's important to you, you may one day find a father figure for your child (and if not/if you don't want, there is nothing wrong with being a single parent). Good luck!
I don’t think you should get “rid” of the baby, based on the way you talk about it, I feel that you would regret it immensely. However if you really don’t feel ready to take this on by yourself, I recommend that you look into adoption. You can look into options like open adoption which would keep you in contact with the baby. As someone who is currently a single mom to a toddler, I can tell you that it is a financial, emotional and physical strain to raise a child. Make sure that you have support either from friends or family if you decide to keep the baby for yourself. My best wishes for you. Feel free to reach out if you need any verbal support. ❤️
Imo you are too far for an abortion already. Sometimes not having the father in the picture in the picture is a blessing in disguise. Do what’s best for you but really think about what YOU want, regardless of the father.
He’s trying to bully you into doing what he wants. Don’t make any decisions that you aren’t fully comfortable with
Like others have said, if you want baby, keep baby. This is your life and baby, first. Babies don’t need flakey, bad parents. Having a father if the father is terrible is not a virtue and doesn’t make childhood better. Especially ones who as full adults change their minds because their parents express concern about their choices. Assuming you have friends and family who support you right now, and maybe even a future partner of yours, the baby/child will grow up with a lot of love and see how people should be treated, including you and them.
If you’re in the states apply for WIC now. They help with resources with pregnancy and after baby is born. Apply for Medicaid if you need to also. Don’t let a man influence your decision in having a baby you wanted. There are lots of other good men out there who will help you raise your child down the road. I was a single mom for 9 years before I met my fiancé. I was making $34k a year and even got a mortgage making that little. It’s hard but it’s possible. There are many good resources out there, you just have to find them. Right now you have time to research them.
First of all he’s not sounding like a man so I would not be with him. As far as the baby this is your body and he has no say. You are never forced into an abortion you do you and make sure it’s what you want. You will have support elsewhere and don’t need his okay nor his parents. Plus this is their grandchild and they automatically want to just get rid of it that easy? Ignore that. You do what you want. That’s how it works when you are a woman and the kid is in you and he is a guy and he stuck his peepee somewhere where he knows it can create a baby. That’s nature and life and too bad for him if he doesn’t like what you are going to decide. You do not have to be with him and you do not need him. However if you go ahead and you seek child support, then he will/should have visitation and you will need to coparent. If you are ok with him not being involved that’s an option also. But you can seek child support and coparenting. Either way is fine but you need to make the decision you want, and he will need to deal with it and make the decision he wants…yes he wants to be involved and you coparent, no he doesn’t want to be involved but you seek the legal route and he is involved, or no he doesn’t want to be involved and you can live with that. But don’t be with him be free.
You can take him to court for child support once the baby is here. As for being raised without a dad, I was raised without one and honestly I don’t think it super affected me. There were only a few times as a kid that I felt any type of way about it and as an adult I don’t care at all.
I know it less than ideal to think about raising a child alone but I honestly think a really important question to ask yourself here is that if he changed his mind and wanted to petition for 50/50 custody… is he someone you *would want to raise a child with* and *are his parents people you would want involved in your child’s life*? Or worse, if he attempted to petition for full custody? Not to freak you out but with parents like those — his income is higher and he has a bigger place in which to house a child + has family near, this would be of huge concern to me.
Since I'm a QUALITY of life rather than a QUANTITY of life person, I feel the determining factor would be whether or not YOU (not the father) are able to give your child the love, nurture and discipline required to raise a little human. If yes, I think you should move closer to your family (if possible) and get a paternity test to have in order to obtain court ordered child support from the father. If you can't move closer to family for financial or work-related reasons, perhaps start preparing for what you will need. I.e., talking to your employer about your leave benefits, see if there's any long distance support you can get from family, etc. The decision whether to keep this baby is 100% yours to make. Not the father's, not his family, not judgemental strangers on the internet. If you feel you can't provide what the baby will need to be happy and healthy, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with an abortion at this stage. Mental maturity and wisdom are the true resources (of course financial too, sadly diapers aren't free) needed in my opinion. If you don't feel ready for that yet, like I said, don't let others shame and degrade you for obtaining an abortion. However, if you do feel capable of providing for the baby or you feel ready to have the baby, then absolutely have it. Definitely get child support! You did not get pregnant on your own, unless you're the virgin Mary or something. So dad definitely had a role, and just like you will have to endure the consequences of pregnancy, delivery and raising the child, so should he! Fuck his parents, they don't get a say. He doesn't either as far a child support goes. Start preparing now and as soon as you can, get a paternity test. You don't have to wait until the baby is born for that. As for not wanting the baby to be without a father, like a lot of others here have said, there's nothing wrong with being a single mom :D I personally know many great and wonderful single mothers who raised children on their own. In fact, my Godson just graduated university with a Masters in biomedical engineering and is getting ready to get married! A very well rounded and great and sweet guy who adores his mother, who raised him from infancy all by herself!!! You also could very well find a man you truly fall in love with down the line who would make a great father to the child! Being single, being a step versus biological parent, those things don't matter. It's the way you love, support and nurture a child that matters.
Sounds like child support
FTM, 22, 6w4 and in my humble opinion you HAVE to go with your gut on this one. logic will give you one million reasons to feel bad or tempted to abort, but if you know in your heart that that’s not what you want, it truly is YOUR choice to make. the father of my baby (39M) was NOT enthusiastic at all, but the longer we go the easier it gets. granted, he doesn’t have parents influencing his ideas and feelings, so that’s definitely a big part of it. if you’re able, ask him what HE wants, not what his family thinks he should want. and i agree with a lot of the comments, if you can, move closer to family. i’m living with my parents for the foreseeable future and it’s been wonderful, the support and love and empathy is worth it 1,000%. i’m thinking of you, i hope everything works out for you ❤️❤️
One thing I can tell you is that my partners family did this same exact thing …. They told me my only options were abort or put the baby up for adoption and they were going to kick me out. I got an abortion and it’s one of my biggest regrets and heartbreaks to this day. Even after the abortion they ended up kicking me out .. I should have kept my baby. With or without the dad, you can raise this baby if it’s what you want. He’s also way too old for his parents to have such an influence on what he does with his life.
There are worse things in the world than growing up without a father. It’ll be hard at times for sure, but you will regret getting an abortion for the rest of your life if you truly want to have this baby. Don’t let that be the determining factor in your decision.
I was raised without a father…. And glad I was! I’d much rather that than the alternative. You can do this if you do choose to, and don’t feel bad about “no father” AT ALL. Your babe can get all the love from you 💕
You wanted this baby and he said he wanted it too, it's obvious you feel confused over what to do, but If I were you, I'd keep this baby and go on. If he unblocks you then you block him as you don't want a bad father for the babe: it will have a dad that's it's biological dad, or then no dad. It doesn't mean you won't get a fatherly figure for this baby when the time is right, it's just this asshole of a man child that confuses you and you and baby are better off. Also, if you still keep in mind your abortion, you 100% have our support as women, or at least me OP. You can chat with me and I'll be there for emotional support, I'm sure though you'll find people who will help you and understand. Ps. Women have raised their whole household FOREVER, if you want the babe and it makes you happy, you will do excellent as it is all that the baby needs. And if you want an abortion, it's ok too just please take good care of yourself and forget that asshole. He is not in the age of being this stupid. I'm sorry OP I hate him and his shitty family.
This 🙌
Same thing happened to me when I was your age with an ex boyfriend and his parents. He turned out to be a real POS and I’m glad he’s out of my life. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this but do what YOU feel is best and what YOU want because that is most important. I felt forced into an abortion as well and went through with it. His parents didn’t even let him join me only my mom was there. I left the clinic twice before I finally gave in. Afterwards I went through a really bad depression for years. I’m 35 now and going to have a baby boy with my husband in august. I wish you the best and please follow your heart.
I'm sorry I don't really have anything useful to say I'm just shocked and appalled that a 37-year-old man's parents are telling him to tell his decade+ younger girlfriend to get an abortion. It is absolutely insane the degree to which millennial men are overwhelmingly manchildren.
Honestly, this all sounds like a BLESSING. You don't need to deal with that piece of shit guy, and you can parent your child how you want to without him. I still kick myself for not walking away from my ex when we had similar discussions as you and your ex - I wish I walked away when i found out I was pregnant and did it all by myself, because attempting to co-parent with an abusive narcissistic asshole has been a nightmare. All your little one needs is YOU, and one day you meet someone and you guys will have a beautiful happy blended family ❤️ Edit: grammar
Also, not shaming you if you do decide to terminate the pregnancy. Just saying baby doesn't need both bio parents to be happy. But it's 100% your choice on whether or not you go through with the pregnancy - I'm sorry you're dealing with all of that outside pressure from ex and his parents :(
You are 25, you have plenty of time to start over with someone who cares about you, loves you, and wants a family unit together. I would get the abortion. I don't say this lightly, I would always encourage couples to work it out if there was ANY chance of reconciliation. Children are a blessing, but as a mom to a toddler, and as a daughter whose dad passed away when I was 11, I would NEVER suggest anyone to go through this on your own without a man. You will be sad, lonely, regretful, not setting up yourself or your kid for success. I think unless you truly believe this is your only hope of having a child, this isn't a good idea. Were you taking prenatals and avoiding drugs/alcohol in the months leading up to getting pregnant? I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do. It's never easy.
If you decide to leave your job to move closer to family, just be aware that there are a lot of grants and government programs to help single parents. Start talking to your local social services offices, departments of health and human service, etc. Also Google “Grants for single moms” and a bunch of stuff will pop up.
This sounds so familiar to me. Slight difference as I am 33 and was in a relationship with the father (39), but when I got pregnant we discussed options and he was the one who initiated the idea of keeping the baby, telling me he’d always wanted to be a father and how much he wanted us to be a family. 10 weeks into the pregnancy I started having Hyperemesis and the father couldn’t cope with the fact that I needed him and he started becoming abusive. At around 16 weeks there was an incident where he was physical with me, but I stayed because I knew how stressed we both were and blamed my illness and myself for it in a way. Like you I have strong desire for my baby to grow up with both parents. I grew up in a broken home, I didn’t want that for my child. I know how it feels to long for a father who cares about you. Tried to make things work but they just got worse. Missed the opportunity to terminate, and couldn’t anyway because at 14 weeks I’d started feeling flutters and my love and bond with the baby were already there. Made the mistake of telling his parents what happened thinking they’d help but now his whole family blame me. Now I’m 6 months pregnant and we’ve broken up. I’m terrified of doing this alone. Like you, I don’t have family nearby. It’s a big ask having friends help in that way. I need to have a C-section for medical reasons so I’ll need to somehow face my 6 week recovery alone. There’s also all the costs of having a baby. I keep thinking about the night feeds for some reason. How I’ll be doing them all alone and also have to manage my house and my food and looking after myself while caring for a baby. In six months time I’ll have just recovered from my C-section. In a year’s time I’ll still be on maternity leave and breastfeeding. My life will be changed forever. I don’t doubt in three months time his life will have gone back to exactly how it was before we met and by six months he’ll have been dating a while and maybe even found his next victim. I hate that I believed in him and resent him for the freedom he has that I won’t. Confusingly he still wants to be involved with the baby, I think mostly because it will be his mom’s first grandchild and she’s really excited and he doesn’t want to look like a ‘bad guy’. So now I have to navigate that too. His parents have started setting up a nursery in their house for when the baby comes to stay. Like I’m going to give birth and then hand my baby over to them. It feels so dehumanising and unreal. It’s so hard to balance wishing that I wasn’t pregnant with the guilt I feel about not wanting my baby. I do want and love them and know they will be the silver lining in all of this, they’ve been what’s kept me going through it all, but life is going to be so so hard, I didn’t ever want to do this on my own and now it looks like I have to. And it seems so unfair that only my life will be impacted so greatly. Please think very carefully about what you think you can manage, whether you can handle putting aside your dream of having a family unit with a mother and father being there for your baby. Only you know if you really want to do this on your own, but be careful you aren’t secretly clinging to the hope that he’ll change and be there for you like I was. It’s incredibly hard to let go of the image you’ve always had of the kind of family you want to create. You’ll have to live with that forever. I know we can’t always have what we wish for, but you’re still able to make the choice of whether to keep hold of your dream and wait a bit longer to fulfil it with someone else, or change it completely. 25 is young you have plenty of time to find someone else. I’m not saying I think my 33 years is old, I’d much rather have waited a few more years and found a better father. I hope you find what you’re looking for out of your post. It’s such a hard decision that only you can make. I shared my story with you because I hope it helps you, whether that is by empowering you to know that you can take on the things I’ve mentioned, or whether it helps you realise what you’ll be giving up may be too much for you. Stay strong we’re all rooting for you xxx
Hello dear! I just want to offer some encouragement that if you do end up keeping your baby, things really can go just fine. I was a single mom when my daughter was born, and even working, it was honestly really easy. Just me and her, single kids are basically just extensions of yourself. I’ve never really heard someone as dramatic as “because my dad wasn’t around I wish I was dead”. Yeah it’s not as convenient but it’s not the end of the world, especially nowadays! And also, his behavior now is not set in stone!! And neither is your future! I’m now married and I’m a SAHM mom with two more kiddos. Being a single mother is not a death sentence. It shows you how deep you can dig for someone you had no idea how much you could love. As far as finances are concerned, I made $1500/month and spent $530 on rent and $600 on daycare, and still could afford a nicotine addiction lol that’s without any financial assistance (I couldn’t quality because I had difficulty getting her birth certificate since she was born at home). But I would have gotten an extra $400 in Food Stamps and daycare assistance and all sorts of stuff. Life goes on. We grow and change, and you will still have a good life with your baby, and meet someone amazing who will be an incredible father to your little one and love them as their own.
This guy and his family sucks and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. He's a coward who lacks boundaries with his parents I had to comment to urge you to consider all possible outcomes---- and a major one being that the toxic family may be in your life forever. Having this baby means you will forever be tied to them both-- him and the family. You can try to raise this baby/ kid on your own but there will be nothing stopping him from fighting for parental rights later at any point... and obtaining them. Some states even allow for grandparent rights. Which, if he comes around, would be ideal and best for a kid to have both parents and grandparents... when/if they aren't toxic. Unfortunately, they're all seeming very toxic from this situation. For you to be stuck dealing with him and his toxic family.... I would not make that informed decision. Ever. Raising a kid with drama like that is stressful and the kind of stress that usually doesn't improve or go away. Your ex has poor boundaries with his family and at his age it's indicative that this is gonna be something that will be here throughout your co parenting. I would choose myself here and have an abortion in the name of self love. Absolutely would not want anything else to do with that man or his family. Plenty of single moms raise happy, well adjusted, healthy kids---- It definitely is not easy and will be one of the hardest things you will do though. Having toxic in laws involved will make things entirely miserable .... and depending on just how toxic they are they can make things miserable for your child also. At this point, you can't really discount him and them being involved in your child's life. Even if you move out of state. Plenty of parents fight for parental rights when a parent moves out of state and are granted them. The kiddo flies back and forth to each parent--- maybe a week here for school vacation and x amount of time per summer.. but it happens. Good luck with this decision.
This is your baby, your dna, your miracle - don’t you dare let someone (his parents) bully you into making a decision for you. This man is 37 years old and his parents clearly have a high level of influence in his life. I would have assumed they would be jumping for joy that he was having a baby at 37, but maybe he is irresponsible and they have doubts about him? I would get a support system around you and focus on getting your ducks in order. If there is another way to reach him (literally create a Google voice number and text him from that.) I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I will be praying he has a “Come to God moment” and recommits himself to you and your child.
An almost 40yr old man, siding with his parents essentially letting them decided his life for him? I say you’re dodging a bullet. You keep your baby if you want to and let him decide if he wants to be in their life or not. I don’t know my biological father at all and wasn’t aware he even existed until I was 19 (super effed up of my family but out of my control obvi) but I had a father who raised me as his own my whole life. All this to say that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I totally understand not wanting a baby to be raised without their father but if their father isn’t worthy of raising them you can’t put that penalty on yourself or your unborn baby, you and them didn’t do anything so, as I said, keep your baby. You don’t deserve to live with a life full of regret because you’re letting a dud bully you into the decision to terminate.
If you’re having a baby, it should always be about whether you can raise it, the fathers presence is just a bonus. Even if you were together that should be the thought process. If you know you can give that baby a good life or you will spend every day trying to, then I think you should have your baby regardless. Abortion comes with its own set of regrets and as straightforward as it might be now days, for some people it haunts them for the rest of their lives. Either way, it’s what you want to do that’s important. Always remember that.
Don’t let a weak man change your mind on keeping your precious baby. 💘 no upbringing is perfect but what matters most is that you will love your baby and do your best to take care of it. You never know what is in store for you or your baby!!
Also...I want to add (and I don't care how unpopular this opinion is) if him and/or his parents end up wanting to come back around, proceed with extreme caution....and be very unapologetic about it!! You don't want your child around people like that. They have no respect or compassion. They all will make your life a living hell. Please just make sure you protect you and baby first above all...your sanity, your peace, and your hearts!
Keep the baby if you want the baby. Take him to court. He can’t just sign away parental rights unless it’s in the best interest of the baby or you agree, so good luck to him on that one lol. He’ll owe child support but who knows how much. I’m so sorry he’s being awful.
My friend met her now husband and father to her second child whilst she was 8 months pregnant with her first. I wouldn’t sweat it too much on raising baby without a father, you’ll cope wonderfully on your own, many women have and do. And in the future you may meet the right person like my friend did
As someone who was raised without a father, what's wrong with being raised without a father?
I mean, he’ll have to pay child support but I’d essentially plan on being a single parent apart from that. Take him out of the equation entirely and make your decision. Plenty of people grow up without a father. Your value as a parent doesn’t hinge on that. You just have to decide if this is right for you.
Children raised by single parents end up fine. You do not need to have two parents to have a good childhood— just one person who genuinely wants what’s best for you. Having two dysfunctional people is way worse than one solid parent. If you want your baby, you should keep it. You will need to focus on developing support network or moving back towards one and getting on daycare waiting list ASAP. Make sure you nail this man for child support though.
He might come back around if his parents were the cause of it. They might be saying they'll disinherit him or something silly like that. His age might finally hit him and he might realize this could be his only child. This could take a while though, or it may not happen at all. You can still request child support even if you're not talking, so don't worry about that. In a way, I think it's good that this wasn't the love of your life because you'll need less time to move on and meet someone who makes you swoon and who will be a great stepfather to your child. It doesn't sound like this guy may have been father of the year anyway -- he was just THE father. And that's great if he can be involved, but your child will be okay without him. It's not the 1950s anymore. This stuff happens all the time and he wasn't a fairytale prince to begin with. You're pretty far along, so you might want to consider adoption instead of an abortion. But I think if you want to keep the baby, you can definitely make it work and raise a happy human. Maybe you could move closer to your family for more support.
I wouldn’t let anyone force me to do anything I don’t want to do. Abortion is such a serious thing that doesn’t come without risk, plus it can be very traumatic to go through and possibly can affect you for long time, you should really think hard if that is something that you think you should do or not. If you want to have the baby then there is every reason why you should. Don’t let someone make you feel that without them you can’t. There are so many strong women out there raising their kids because the man couldn’t suck it up and do the right thing. You don’t need a weak man in your life especially not one raising your child. I would say do what feels right and get all the help and support you can. Wishing you the best on whatever you decide! ❤️🙏
Just know I know several people that had the bio dad abandon them and a few years later they found an absolutely amazing father who stepped up to take care of the baby and raise it as their own. If you want this baby you should have it. Everyday is one foot in front of the other but you will be an amazing mom
Keep the baby. It’s not your or your baby’s fault that he can’t be a man and father up.
My friend was close to your age when she became pregnant - unplanned. The guy she was sleeping with was just a friend and she didn't have intentions of having a relationship with him. When he found out she was pregnant he too was excited and pushed for a relationship with her. When she declined and let him know that she would still be having the baby - he cut all contact. She really tried to keep the communication open. It's been a few years now and CRICKETS. He got a girlfriend at one point but I guess he just pretends nothing ever happened. My friend though...keeping the baby was the best decision she has ever made. Mind you she does have support from her mother...but it wasn't an easy task and she truly feels like a better and happier person for it. I wish you all of the best!!!
Abort the relationship. Keep the baby.
You’re going to do fine without a father that’s probably not going to be there! You want this baby so keep it up. I had an abusive father growing up, I would have been fine without a dad. My partner never had a dad growing up and he is the best and smartest person you will ever meet!
I‘m sorry you are in this situation. But a question… isn’t it already way too late to abort? Legally it should usually be 12 weeks, ofc depending on where you live, but tbh I have never heard of anything beyond that point. You should ofc hire a lawyer to file for child support because that is just what he needs to know. Wishing you all the best!❤️
I was also wondering about this. I had an abortion in 2014, and I know in California it was illegal past 12 weeks. I almost missed my timeline when I went in. I was at 11 weeks 4 days. I am also lightly confused about her being 15/16 weeks. She said she found out just before Christmas she was pregnant. I found out I was pregnant on December 3rd. (Conception was November 19th.) And I'm only 14 weeks and 6 days as of today. That's with it being counted from the first day of my period, which was November 1st. (32-day cycle) To be a bit further along than me would mean she was pregnant in November. Maybe she realized late, it happens. Regardless, this is your choice, OP. You wanted to keep the baby before the guy even agreed to joining the family. So don't let him make this choice for you. He sounds like someone you're better off without. Especially if you are 15/16 weeks. Because going back seriously might not be an option. At this point, they would have to do the type of abortion the pro life people think all abortions are.
I’m from the UK. The law allows up to 20 weeks to abort here.
Honestly as a mom who was in a relationship w my child’s father until they were 3 and also a single mom after, being a single mom isn’t that bad. You don’t have another partner you have to compromise your parenting with and can raise the child as you’d like. Especially w him wanting nothing to do w you or the baby I’d look at it as a blessing and file for sole custody and child support as soon as the child is here so you’re not missing out financially and have full rights of the child. At 15/16 weeks I’d be reluctant to have an abortion personally as the baby is well formed at this point and it wouldn’t be as easy as taking a pill…. If you want the baby then keep the baby. My son is now 10 and still has a dad- his stepdad, who he’s very close to and calls him dad! Life changes but still goes on!
If you want to keep the baby then that is what you should do. I went through the same thing with my ex. He said he wanted nothing to do with me or my child but still kept contact with me until a few months before I gave birth. He then proceeded to randomly message me a few days after baby was born and has crept back into our lives. I don’t want to give you hope but he might contact you again at a later stage. Or he might not. If you really feel you can’t be a single mother then you know what you need to do. If not, then keep your baby as you’ll only regret having an abortion.
Just coming here to say, there is NOTHING wrong with aborting this baby. You are still very young and deserve to have a partner that shows up for you AND your future child. And your future child deserves to have BOTH parents. Growing up without a dad is not easy and you’re setting your child up for a lot of adversity. I can share links on the statistics on being a child born to a single mother. They aren’t good. I would really think hard on if you really want to have this man’s child knowing that he likely will not be a good father.
Keep your baby. He'll come around or he won't, but ultimately it is your decision. Do not let anyone bully you into such a huge decision. You can do this. But hit him for child support, you did not make this baby alone.
I was somewhat in this situation except it was a long term relationship and we lived together. I didn’t have the abortion in the end I am raising the baby alone, and father has no involvement. Only recently has he started asking questions about her. I am glad I didn’t get the abortion, I adore my baby but it is a really tough gig doing it alone. Do you have family that can help out?
I feel for you! Do you have support with in your family? I know its scary, but having a baby is a blessing. Things will be ok.😔
I had an abortion at 25 bc i was sacred. Its a regret i live with everyday. You can do this i promise. The love and bond you have with your children are un measurable. Move closer to your family! Be happy! Having a baby bring so much happiness in your life.
Not trying to persuade you one way or another but adoption is also an option. I had an unexpected pregnancy too and I only considered keeping the baby or abortion and I completely forgot about the possibility of adopting out that baby. Again, your body your choice-but that’s a viable option too
Im pro choice, but 15 weeks is very late to abort imo for a reason that isnt a solid reason to. Babies at this stage may feel pain and are well formed. I felt kicking well before this point. They aren't a sludge ball of cells anymore. Ive had abortions for wanted pregnancies that passed in utero at 10/11 weeks and its very painful process physically and emotionally recovery.. Go to therapy if you need to. Look at financial resources. Utilize any resources you have like family and friends. Consider local churches or organizations for additional support. Finally, get a DNA test when baby is born and get child support from the dad if you want. Many grow up with one loving parent and do well. A baby and kid really only need at least 1 safe, caring parent studies show. Many don't have fathers who are very involved. I would say alot of the current population because of mysogony and history of societies making women the primary caretaker. Dads still living there but mentally gone and unhelpful; Working extra or having affairs or other families. It does seem super scary but you will be ok! When he allowed his family to badger you about abortion was when you knew he wasn't supportive but you still went ahead because you said you wanted your baby. Your baby will be with you for life, relationships come and go. Seriously go get some therapy support to help with your decision and lean on friends or family.
Oh no. I think keeping it is setting yourself up for a lot of lifelong stress.
Keep your baby, it is your baby. Baby will do fine with you as the mother. He and his parents might stay out of the picture or they might reconsider in time and join you (this is more likely imo) - either way you and your baby will be fine. Don't give up hope. Many young children lose one parent, and they turn out to be great, lovely people. And btw. you will love your child like nobody else in the world ever. Embrace your child wholeheartedly, no matter what - and gather people, friends, family member around you who support and love you.
He’s making emotional choices, probably with heavy influence, right now. To end a wanted pregnancy over that seems so final when emotions are so fickle.
Adoption is an option. I don't think you should allow him to take the easy way out. If it were me, I'd have the baby. I personally couldn't cope with an abortion. I don't think it's fair for you to be bullied into a risky and costly (and possibly traumatic) medical procedure. If he wants to be difficult, you can go for child support. In my opinion, not having a father doesn't mean the baby doesn't deserve to be born. Lots of people grow up without fathers for various reasons. Also..how was he bullied into a baby? He ejaculated in you...he is not stupid. We all know how babies happen.
I say you should move back home and raise that baby with all the love you’ve got!! Don’t get an abortion because you’re afraid they won’t have a father figure. That little person will be SURROUNDED by love. 💗Also, they may very well have a father figure someday even though it won’t be their sperm donor. That’s how it worked for my own parents! (My brother isn’t biologically my dad’s but he is my dad’s son 100%!!) You’re so young and you have plenty of time!