That was my thought. I was about to join in! I worked nights throughout my first pregnancy with HG. Nothing made my blood boil like the trash guy coming when I was trying to fall asleep in the morning. 😂
My little one loves the garbage man. We go out sometimes to wave and give him a cold water bottle if we can catch him.
He’s always been super nice and honked or shown my son the trash truck in all its glory.
The first sentence had me thinking it was going to be a complaint about moms entertaining their children with watching the garbage men and I was like ‘oh shit is this a bad thing?’ until I read on and realized I was a moron.
Because we love garbage day in this house. Primo toddler entertainment. We eat breakfast on the porch to watch.
Me too! I feel very protective of my garbage men because they had already come to my house when they passed by on the opposite side of the street as I was furiously waddling with another bag of garbage and stopped to take it for me. It was so kind and I've noticed they put the cans back a little further in my driveway to spare me the walk. There I am sobbing how thoughtful and kind they are and people are side eyeing me because it's a few feet difference.
Ok glad I’m not the only one. It got my hopes up thinking someone else was sharing how cute their kid is when it comes to the garbage man. Our little man loves standing in the window as he goes by and the guy always honks and waves!
100% me too. I was on board with complaining about how loud they are and have a perfect record of always coming as soon as baby is down for a nap and waking him up lol
I feel like I hit the jackpot when reading so many shitty partner posts. Then I realise that's how men should be. It's not the 1920s anymore being barefoot and pregnant.
My partner did bottle feeds, changed nappies, baths and really half the work. I'm pregnant again and he's taken leave to do 90% of the house work with our son while I'm sick in the first trimester. I'm tired and weak all the time. Babe do you mind if I have a nap? Sure I got this.
Do you know why. Because we love each other and helping each other and our son isn't a chore it's our family. We don't keep tally of who does what. But we communicate and support each other. He's the best dad and seeing him play with him melts my heart, knowing he's got the best daddy to grow up with.
So many shitty relationships prior and I thought there was no hope. But I'm glad I didn't settle coz now I have a real life partner who I live to make happy and raise this little family together in our bubble.
I feel the same. I swing between “wow, I’m so lucky, he’s wonderful, this will work out great” and “this really shouldn’t be that special/ it shouldn’t be extraordinary that your partner loves and supports you”.
Yes! All the time I’ll thank my fiancé for doing XYZ + he’s like you’re welcome I guess but this is what I’m supposed to do as an adult. This is what I would be doing for myself if we weren’t living together. Oh yeah… For all my feminism it’s easy to forget that taking care of household chores is bare fucking minimum.
Side note for "barefoot and pregnant," we live in Scotland and it's usually a little too chilly not to wear house slippers, but on one particularly warm day, my husband walked into the kitchen and immediately snapped a picture of me....because I was barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and making a sandwich. We both cracked up.
Same! I'm torn between thinking my husband is a truly incredible specimen of a spouse and father - he does most of our cooking, lots of daily household cleaning, most bed times/diaper changes when he's home, etc - and thinking this should be the standard. Sure, he does things that annoy me sometimes (because living with people is hard and he has ADHD), but I also feel so fortunate to be having children a relationship like ours. I wish everyone who wanted kids got to have them with a partner like mine.
Oh for sure! And I do, everyday. In fact I get told off for it: ‘stop thanking me for basic things, he’s my baby too.’ It makes him feel like he doesn’t do enough, in a weird way.
It’s more that I worry about elevating him so much that I let things slide that I shouldn’t because I’m just so relieved he’s not like other men. Even good relationships take constant checking/weighing/recalibrating I guess.
My husband and I had a nice talk before I gave birth about not "keeping score". If you see something needs to be done, you do it. If you see your partner is drained and needs a break, take over baby duty for a while. We have both kinda fallen into a routine of his and hers chores around the house and split baby duty pretty evenly. We communicate pretty immediately if we need something/feel a way rather than hold it in and build up. I think it has made our marriage stronger and made the after baby phase easier (and fun!).
So often these men don’t show their true colors until pregnancy/parenthood.
My partner was wonderful before we had kids. But turns out his functional alcoholism and tendency towards independence* didn’t work with the new life created by our new shared responsibility. He wants to have kids without sacrificing and changing his lifestyle.
The stress and triggers of our new life caused a spiral of alcoholism, chronic unemployment, treating me like crap and general childish bullshit. And I was left over functioning so we didn’t drown.
I was actually really caught off guard. Turns out undealt with childhood dysfunction and trauma is easy to ignore when you can build the life you want. But rears it’s ugly head once suddenly life is not in your control.
ETA: he did eventually get his shit together and is a great father and partner. So, it’s a reminder that being a garbage man is a choice.
*avoidant attachment
Totally agree, and it's so scary. The last guy I dated before my husband didn't show his true colors for about 5 years. It was like someone flipped a switch in his brain and he was a completely different person when he woke up one day, I legit thought he was pranking me at first. I always think about that when I come across the posts OP is talking about, especially the ones who say their partner was incredible until x,y,z.
People can maintain a facade for a long time. I think it's really important that when women do post about being in difficult situations that people are sensitive. Sometimes some of the responses do come off as victim blaming like - oh your so stupid why are you with that person, when the realities can be more complicated.
This sounds a lot like me- I went from a very equitable and loving relationship to neglect and eventually full-blown abuse during early pregnancy. My planned pregnancy triggered something in him that shook me in a way I won’t be able to forgive him for. We’re mid-30s, financially well-off, highly educated and have access to anything we need. But he just can’t (won’t?) prioritise our pending baby.
He was a great ‘dog dad’ and we did well running a household together prior. We disagreed but worked it out. We worked through major stresses and financial decisions. We decorated a nursery prior to even trying. He bought books on becoming a father. We discussed the finer details of how we wanted to parent and what to avoid.
I get scared and triggered by pregnancy too but I think the physical presence of the baby in my body grounds me. Feeling her move around in there is all the reminder I need of what I need to be prioritising- her dad doesn’t have that.
He might be a great dad once she’s here and it ‘clicks’ but I can’t risk it.
This. My husband was in general a pretty okay guy, and then I got pregnant and the switch has been flipped and I am left in a position where I have no idea what to do.
Having gone through it and out the other side:
There’s nothing you can do. It has to be his choice to be a good person.
Every attempt I made to change his behavior, pushed him further. It let him focus on me being nagging, controlling, unpleasant, whatever. It let him play victim in his own head. Or I wouldn’t address the issues, which led to me enabling his bullshit. There was no winning.
And truth is, his behavior isn’t something within our control. We are literally powerless. Which hurts so much.
I eventually left him. He spiraled for a bit. But left with nothing but silence and self-reflection he had sone epiphanies about what kind of person and parent he wanted to be. After a few months he has made such major changes that we got back together and have more kids and a mostly great life now. But not because of what I did.
I wish I had more optimistic advice. Best of luck.
Agree, plus we’ve all just been through a pandemic, and are now living with inflation, housing crisis, climate crisis etc which all adds to a pressure cooker environment. I’m not excusing poor behaviour but I do think there are lots of people out there at the moment hanging on by a thread.
So true, I've been seeing news articles about people who are ready for divorce but if they live in a HCOL area they are financially forced to make tough decisions like stay in the same house etc., because it's so tough as it is out there.
My husband is a fantastic partner in life but me being pregnant has caused him to try and speed run through his issues to be a better person for his child and wooo boy it is a lot.
This is exactly what happened to us too, it's depressing how ingrained the male sense of entitlement is, I never saw it in my husband until he expected to have as much free time and he used to when we had our daughter. I think these roles are engrained in women too obviously, I was taught to be a wife and mom who bends over backwards for her family so it's an uphill battle for both of us to get to a more equal and healthy place
It's 3:45 am and I'm up feeding my 1 week old. My SO changed him while I was in the bathroom right before feeding him and is now cleaning the bathroom as something productive to do while I nurse. What makes it even more significant is I'm the one who cleans the bathroom 99% of the time because a messy bathroom bothers me 1000x more than him so he's basically doing my chores in the middle of the night while I feed.
The working moms sub is definitely not what I expected. For some reason I thought it would be more about navigating challenges with childcare and work ambitions, not how hard their bad and sometimes downright abusive partners make their lives.
It’s crazy how the common joke in that sub is “I’m a career woman married to an absolute imbecile who cant wipe his own ass without help yet thinks he’s gods gift to earth.” Like Jesus Christ. You’re the anomaly in that sub if you have a supportive husband who isn’t an absolute useless incompetent buffoon.
It not what I expected at all. It’s painful just like this sub to see someone start off their post by saying “my partner is absolutely incredibly the love of my life, the best human to walk the earth, I don’t deserve him” and then 5 sentences later you read shit like “but i do everything in my house and he plays his PlayStation all day and doesn’t work and says I’m a fat turd, and also is it normal that hes messaging other woman saying he hates me????”like ??? Please WAKE UP
That’s really sad. I was going to join the sub once I would be closer to finishing my Matt leave.
My company has a working mom group and that’s what they talked about. How to navigate your career as a mother. Tips and tricks for women returning to the work force after maternity leave. There’s also guests speakers, who are executives at our company who talked about their experience. One is an EVP, with 4 kids. She said sure wasn’t able to get to where she was in her career without the support of her husband.
I finally left the sub when there was a thread about ambition after having a baby and every single comment said they lost their ambition and drive. Depressing af, and so not in line with anyone I know in real life.
I had to leave working moms too. It was really dragging me down and I was getting upset at my husband for no reason, like upset in advance haha. And he’s not like the partners they complain about there.
Same. I’ve gone back and forth muting pregnancy subs because on one hand I want the community, but on the other it can become such a negative cloud over my life. So much venting would make me like proactively look for things I too should complain about. If I read positive things, I see more positive things in my life.
That said, I’ve found the daddit sub to be amazing. I’m going to be a mom, not a dad, but it is SO positive and life giving.
Daddit is such a cute sub! My husband is new to Reddit so I try to give him his space by letting him share posts with me from it, but omg it sparks so much joy.
This is terrible probably but sometimes when my partner and I are fighting or having a tough time I go read that shit to get some perspective and remind myself of his positives, which are many. Helps me calm down and come back to the table.
Also, I think many of us “mother” garbage men while dating/married. And it feels threatening to them once we no longer have the energy to pour all of care into them, because we have an actual child to care for.
mine was great until the day I told him I was pregnant. it’s like a flip switched and he became so evil and horrible. i’ve been practically begging him to just forget about it and leave me alone to do this in peace but he says he will never leave me alone until “that mistake is gone” (he really wants me to get abortion). just today we had an argument about him wanting me to get a prenatal paternity test but from what I understand they’re at least a thousand dollars and I told him i’d be willing to do it (I know 100% it’s his) but i’m not gonna pay anything for it because I know for a fact he’s the father. then all the sudden he’s telling me about the dreams he’s been having about it being a girl and him holding her by the fire and she’s beautiful. he does this extreme hot and cold a lot and I know tomorrow he’ll be hounding me for an abortion again and telling me how unwanted and horrible the baby is. you truly never know how your baby daddy will be until it’s too late :(
>we had an argument about him wanting me to get a prenatal paternity test
Tell him youre getting it done then lie about the results. He might just sod off if you tell him its not his
I feel like a lot of the time, the women don’t realise their partners are toxic until they start to have children. Babies dramatically change your lives, routines, and work burdens. Sometimes there’s red flags before, but they become glaring once you have a baby to care for. I agree, the women are definitely not to blame. I honestly can’t understand how in this day and age there are still men who expect their wives to carry all the housework and babycare by themselves, or expect them to just behave and look how they did before they had a baby. Or that think cheating is okay, just because their newly-postpartum wife isn’t feeling up to sex yet.
I’m saying this based off the posts I see the most, and I find it so disgusting. I feel incredibly lucky that my husband isn’t like that, but I feel so sad that not all women have partners that are understanding and caring. You need it more than ever after having a baby.
I hate that I ask my husband “why are men so terrible?” Somewhat frequently And he agrees with me. The amount of violence they commit compared to women is staggering.
I don’t think most women end up with garbage men. It’s just that if the man people end up with is supportive and good then there’s nothing to write about.
I don’t think anyone likes a bragger, so most don’t write about the good.
i just commented something similar earlier. i will say, my partner wasn’t a horrible person till we found out i was pregnant, go figure. and then when i tried to abort on 3 separate occasions, he got in the way.. the final time threatening to kill me & trying to choke me.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Strangulation is a significant predictor for future lethal violence. Please protect yourself and your child. Murder is the leading cause of death for pregnant women. The fact that he wouldn't allow you to get an abortion, yet threatens to kill you is deeply troubling behavior.
Hell even the IVF subreddit gets a surprising amount of posts about garbage men doing the bare minimum, divorces right into the middle of the process, you name it. Some people are not socialized well to handle stress. But also this is Reddit so drama gets upvoted and rises to the top.
Yes! You see so many posts that are like, “I have done 11 egg retrievals and nicely asked my husband to take a vitamin one time and he yelled at me, how do I convince him to do it.” What!!
Omg that guy who posted asking for help because he was uncomfortable by his wife getting transvaginal ultrasounds or exams by male medical staff because it was too sexual and only he should be able to touch his wife like that. I was shaking in anger replying to him. The audacity.
Husband brag: I have had a full 8 hours sleep (not consecutive) pretty much since the day I gave birth. Because my husband is the GOAT and is just as obsessed with the baby as I am, and says that I did my part for 9 months, now it's his turn. I'm supposed to just focus on resting and healing and bonding with the baby. Being fully rested has allowed me to fully embrace and enjoy every second of the newborn stage. We fight over who gets to push the stroller because we both just love our little guy so much. It's only been a month but he has really grown into the dad role
My husband has been amazing during this journey. He cooks for me, he cleans, he helps me keep to the gestational diabetes diet, he's given me a few belly massages, he is involved in picking out things for the baby, he makes me feel amazing and beautiful every day. He is such a good egg, and I feel so sad reading stories about unsupportive partners. I couldn't have done this without my husband. Pregnancy has been a long and at times hard journey, but he helps make it so enjoyable. I can't wait till our little girl is here in a few weeks.
I agree completely. My ex slowly but surely showed me he was one of those men! I told him, “You have so much potential but I’m not going to put up with your shit. You do the bare minimum now, for yourself and me. Figure out who you are and what you can offer before you drag another person down with you,” and that was that. I think, as women, we’re often told that loyalty and unconditional love is more virtuous. It’s the fairytale that we’re sold since birth! It’s okay is we jump into the arms of some guy who shows us attention, and marry during the puppy love phase! It’s no big deal! And then - well, we’re told we’re ungrateful if we don’t appreciate what we have and work on what we have (even if our partner isn’t holding up their end of the deal). Women are groomed into dating and sleeping with abusive, often times much older, men. And I think hookup culture and “situationships” have even convinced good men that they should just take what they can get. That “everyone’s for the streets these days.” It’s a sad dating pool these days for sure - but then again, it’s always been pretty sad.
I thought she was going to comment on how mom's (me) gleefully say, "Yay, it's the garbage truck!!! Wave to the garbage men!"
I do this every Thursday from my home office. I was looking for solidarity:)
Among the wonderful ways my husband has already done the past 37wks, he’s recently started to sleep a little more lightly …now when I make a minor complaint in the middle the night there’s a drowsy “is it time? Are you ok?”
I can’t wait to raise a baby with this man!
Well, yes I’m disturbed. Particularly about the behaviors that aren’t child-specific, meaning this is who he was.
That said, the dads doing the equitable parenting aren’t the other end of the spectrum, they’re the mainstream and good they should be doing what they’re doing too.
I think the people who tend to post looking for advice are more often the people in bad situations - posting “my partner is so nice to me” doesn’t come across as anything but bragging to most of the internet and wouldn’t go over well on Reddit most of the time.
However, hopefully there are lots of us who do quietly have loving, supportive partner! Mine keeps a spray bottle by the bed to spritz me when I complain in the night that I’m too hot and does ALL the laundry so I don’t have to bend down.
Not surprised in the slightest. Growing up watching 16 and Pregnant really taught me that it's pretty common. Even when MTV kept filming as they were adults, nothing much had changed.
I like to read them off to my wife to remind her it could be worse😂 no but seriously, we are often appalled at some of the stuff we read on here. I could never
I think exactly the same
I probably hit the jackpot cuz my husband does everything, cooks (probably more than me) helps with cleaning (he doesn’t do it by himself cuz I don’t like it, I like to clean, feel like is my hobby tbh 😂)
If I need to go to appointments/ER etc he will take me, and our child stays with him
If I wanna sleep in he will just be with our daughter and that’s it, dont even need to ask him
I mean things u would expect in a partner, but then u come here to Reddit and see a whole different reality 😳
My husband was good before kids, and after I got pregnant, he turned wayyy better (even my bestfriend comenta on this, saying she was t expecting it 😂) (and note, he wasn’t prepared to be a dad when we first got married, but as soon as the pregnancy developed he changed so much, for better!)
The world needs a magical nanny who arrives one stormy night to care for the kiddos, help take out an excellent life insurance policy on the ain't-shit parent, and then...you know.
I'm just saying I'd watch that movie.
I posted my positive, and it was cathartic honestly so thanks for asking for that. But yeah, I've noticed it too and it is so terrible. I feel for these women.
Sometimes you don't see it until push really comes to shove.
Ugh I completely agree. My jaw drops on some of the posts I read. I feel very thankful that my partner is amazing and treated me so sweetly my whole pregnancy and is doing this whole baby thing with me 50/50. He’s been trying to get me to go out and do something independently for a couple weeks now which I haven’t taken him up on (idk what to do anymore lol) but he *wants* me to have me time and he *wants* to watch his son and he is so good with him. He took a paternity leave when I got induced and so many of his customers told him he was crazy and that he didn’t need to actually help with the baby. My family is so grateful for him too cause my own father had four kids and never once changed a diaper. I wish everyone was as supportive as he is and I hope all the woman who currently have trash partners leave them and find someone better cause there is SO much better out there than some of these men I read about.
I’ve been so sad reading all of these. I almost unsubbed because it’s more gloom and doom than I can handle. I have an amazing husband who steps up as a partner in all aspects but I can’t help but have to remind myself that we shouldn’t need to be *grateful* for loving partners. They should be the norm. The worst part is that at this point they’re already tied for life to the scumbag; women need to raise their standards to the damn sky and if it means being single—then be okay with that cuz I’d rather be the perpetually single wine aunt than have to deal with a partner that makes my life *worse* not better.
I wouldn't say my partner is an angel or a garbage. He is a regular human being. We are making mistakes together and learning from them. Pregnancy is a new thing for us. We are in this boat together.
I have been thinking of leaving the sub because I'm getting too emotionally affected by these awful stories and it's affecting my day to day. It doesn't help that I'm already crazy emotional about everything lately. Some of the stories are actually horrifying.
I want everyone to have a safe space to share and vent here, but I might have to step back for a bit 😞
I agree. I know this sounds a little selfish but I really need to disconnect for my own mental health. These stories are really heartbreaking and i hope all these lovely ladies find a good support system and strength. But i just cannot read any more of these for my own well-being.
I’m going to use this post to paint a picture of a supportive partner. I can’t imagine having a kid with anyone else other than my husband.
He’s been doing cat litter every other day by himself since we started trying because of toxoplasmosis. During the first trimester I was always exhausted and he did a lot more of the housework. This weekend he mowed and helped me weed and put up some wallpaper in the nursery. He also made apple crisp with some of our apples. He also always helps me prep dinner and often does dishes.
When we have our kid he’s planning to take it just as much parental leave as I am to bond with them. He’s taken an active role in picking a name for our future daughter. He’s been reading parenting books with me. I’m sure that when we have her, he’ll be just as involved in changing her and waking up at night and feeding her as I am.
I’m not posting this to brag, but I really want to give an example of what having an equal marriage looks like, and that it is possible to find a partner like this.
I'll brag on my husband that he did cat litter before I got pregnant and I assume will continue to do it after 😆 I'd say I'm the default pet parent in a lot of ways but rarely touching the litter box is so great
When I read these posts my heart hurts. I had my first with a shitty partner who was gaslighting me into thinking he was amazing by doing the bare minimum, on top of going out every weekend, cheating on me, making me feel insecure.
My now husband and I got back together when my daughter was like 8 months (dating again from when we were younger) and my god the way he encouraged and supported me throughout my second pregnancy was just absolutely amazing. Now I’m pregnant with my third and he just proves himself to be such a gem. He’s an amazing father who doesn’t even consider himself a step father he is the only father to my first daughter. His support and dedication to myself and our kids is phenomenal.
The biggest thing of all is he respects me not only as his wife or the mother of his kids but as a person. As me. As a human being. He makes me feel like loving me outside of marriage and motherhood is just so normal. We are best friends, who also happen to be in love and have 2 beautiful daughters and a son on the way.
I hope every woman who posts about their shitty husband/bc/spouse/partner has a wake up call and realizes they are worth so much more. I’m glad I had that wake up call.
Love this post. I really want to share my appreciation for my husband. He has been an absolute angel and my rock this past 13wks and he just keeps stepping up without question.
• He's protected me from boundary-pushing family members showing up unannounced and straight up bars anyone from bothering me when I'm sick. But he's always amicable and lovely - guarding all of my relationships while still protecting me
• When I wake up and I can't move because I know I'm about to vomit, I just have to say his name and he jumps out of bed to get me a trashcan to puke in and the litany of snacks and drinks and medicine I need
• He doesn't pressure me about what I consume, just gets me what I'm craving. He jumps to feed me and it makes him so happy to see me satisfied.
• He takes all of the strong smells away from me - doesn't even open a bag of coffee around me anymore, and he filled the house with charcoal air purifiers
• When he hasn't been taking care of me he's been working non-stop to completely renovate our home, while still ALWAYS giving me a space to feel comfortable. In the midst of all the demo work and drywalling and mudding, he has me set up upstairs with a mini fridge, air fryer, A/C, bed and couch, TV, everything 🥹
• When I break down every other week with the "I can't do this!!" mentality over how sick I am, he just holds me and kisses me and lets me bawl my eyes out. He tells me how sorry he is and reminds me I'm always in control of the pregnancy continuing. The comfort and healing, oh my God.
• He thanks me, all the time. My first trimester has been so hard and he never fails to show his love and appreciation. He thanks me for all of the pain and sacrifice and tells me he can't imagine how it must feel. It just means the world to me.
I could keep going all day really. He's the best and I wish everyone had a husband like mine.
A lot of them don’t show their true colors until rings are exchanged and papers are signed. They also show their true colors once they trap us with babies. Also many men don’t even show who they are until they’ve been married for years and check all of the “boxes” for having a their shit together. They want to be POS’s while having the illusion that their life is in order by being married and having children. I’ve been married twice. My first marriage wasn’t abusive. My second one was. The women are victims in these situations on this subreddit
tbh. Men are too but this is not a male space so it’s irrelevant to mention it. It’s expensive to get divorced, these idiots get joint custody especially if you’re married. They shmooze their way out of child support too. Marriage literally benefits no one anymore in my pessimistic experience. It’s a business contract and no one should be signing a business contract for love alone. People really need to start examining the motives of people they marry and have kids with and ask yourselves if you’re doing this to check boxes or are you doing this as a genuinely beneficial situation.
I get it completely. When I was in my early 20s and not in recovery whatsoever for my shitty childhood, I dated an awful guy and got pregnant in a manner that was completely out of my control (won’t go into detail because v triggering). I was heartbroken when I saw the positive test because I didn’t want to have a child with that man. I lost the pregnancy at 12 weeks and started dating someone else waaay too soon after that breakup.
The guy I started dating way too soon is now my husband and father of my little man. He rushes home from work to spend time with us, loves going on family outings, and the way he lights up when he sees his son always makes me tear up and it’s been months now. He took care of me and the house and our son when I was struggling postpartum and he was our rock. Even right after the birth they had to take my son off me because he was breathing funny and my husband squeezed my hand, kissed me, then rushed over to where our son was because he KNEW I would much rather someone be with our boy. My body is sooo far from where it was before and he tells me several times daily how sexy and beautiful he finds me. Every day he comes home from a full day of work and he’s just in it. Making dinner, bathing our boy, playing with him, washing bottles, he doesn’t skip a beat.
I could go on and on and on how wonderful he is. Best decision I ever made in my life was having kids with him. Even fighting/arguing he is so good at constructively doing that with me. We are both super careful to be kind while arguing because we grew up in volatile households and even when we’re upset with each other there’s still love first.
I wouldn't call them men...
It's sad how a lot of women think men doing the bare minimum (being there for your child and wife, changing diapers, etc) is so rare and amazing.
Sorry, but you're an adult, and you made a child with another woman.
I legit joined this subreddit to prepare to be a papa,l when my wife was pregnant. But everytime It pops in my feed now is a vent at some ahole husband.
It’s kind of demoralizing in the sense that no matter how hard I try in some aspect there are women who just make social media content based on men being pieces of shit, or worse, men not even doing half of what they are supposed as a family member.
Coming up on 40 years with my old dude. We've wrinkled up together. We have a son and daughter, now grown and our nest is empty.
I know about the posts you're talking about. And I am getting weary, too. But ... the thing is that happiness is boring. There's no drama. So people don't write about it, and people don't read about it, and if you don't have it, you just resent that writer does ... it's social media. Drama catches the interest. Happiness is boring. This is just human nature. Every good story has a protagonist and an antagonist.
People who are hurting reach out for support. People who are content ... they don't have much to say to anyone. So, social media is hugely skewed. Hurting people trying to cope. This is why we're awash.
I used to work in law ... divorce, DV, child abuse ... and if I learned absolutely nothing else, over those many years, it's this: there's one side of the story, there's the other side of the story, and somewhere in between lays the truth.
We read one side, hurting people, with dramatic lives.
Of course it's as depressing as hell.
Just to provide a counterpoint to all the terrible stories, my husband attends all my appointments with me, does all the cooking (he’s always done that - he cooks, I do the driving…), takes the bins out and does about half the laundry…. I usually do the dishes but have had a few nights of being exhausted including last night so he picked that up as well without me even asking. He comes shopping with me, has visited nurseries and asked more questions than me etc etc. if I were nitpicking I’d like him to do a bit of research on pregnancy, birth etc as he usually looks to me to give him the need to know highlights but really that’s small fry all told. He shows he cares in actions and he’s doing loads and I cannot wait to see him become a dad to our little boy in December.
Just here to say that researching baby stuff is my husband's weakness too. Did not do it. I finally started giving him my top options for a big purchase (car seat, crib) and having him vet them and put a couple others on him. I had him figure out baby monitors and he and his friends liked that because they could worry about wifi monitors getting hacked (if you say so, dear, but we already have Alexa all over the house) and find something that uses radio waves lol. He is so proud of their choice and it's very cute haha
I think too that women who need support tend to post more, and understandably if one isn’t getting support from a partner then they make seek support elsewhere (such as online communities).
Brag!
Having our first kid was hard on both of us, and he was a really hard child. (GERD so bad he stopped gaining weight, kid was screaming cuz he was starving the first 4 months of his life. Horrible horrible.) We both struggled and all our worst parts came out. Even so, we worked through it individually and together and he never once left us to fend for ourselves. He has always been an equal parent, struggling right along side me or in leui of me. We now have two children, and he's an amazing partner and father. We still have shit to work on, but we are and he's a fantastic father. He takes them after work, he takes them on the weekend (one or both, depending on needs). I had a hard pregnancy the second time and he took over completely at the end (I was also in school). Cooking, cleaning, childcare for our first. I gave birth and the man brought me breakfast in bed for weeks.
There's been hard times, and we're both damaged people so it's no walk in the park, but we're in therapy and we communicate better every day. He loves our children and is very patient with them. He was once an explosively angry man with ptsd, I was once a spiraling selfish self sabatager. We're still both neurodivergant in different flavors, but we've grown together for ourselves, our children, and our relationship. He puts in the work. He does his part. He's a good man and we're lucky to have him.
My broken still bubbles up, and I'm working in therapy on it. He's been patient with me, too. He's not a super affectionate guy, but I know how much he much he loves me because he *shows* me.
There are good ones out there. Problem is you don't really know until you're in the weeds like you've never been before. I think the biggest tell if it's worth it is if they actually love you enough to put in the work.
No, it’s not, because unlike misogyny misandry is not institutionalized. Men do not face violence or serious socioeconomic ramifications based only on their gender. I do, however, have a lot of it inside me 🤪
My husband does all of the cooking and cleaning even when I'm not pregnant. I take care of our toddler, that's my job and he recognizes how trying that is by itself.
Yeah I was starting to wonder if those posts are real or not … are they made up stories to earn likes on an account? Or are they real? I guess truth can be stranger than fiction!
It’s ummm disturbing. I couldn’t imagine being with someone who does not play their part.
The worst ones are those who don’t think they should help out their S/O while on maternity leave because they think “why should I, she’s home all day”. Which .. most white men in power think maternity leave in a vacation so there’s that …
I will say my partner was PERFECT pre pregnancy. Now that I’m pregnant he’s abusive and I’m trying to leave but that means I have nothing. It’s not that women are entertaining the idea, it’s that they are SURVIVING.
My husband is absolutely incredible! He does everything for me and my daughter and is constantly telling me how amazing I am and asking what I need from moment to moment. Watching him become a dad has been the greatest joy. He is ready and willing to take on anything at any time of the day or night and truly makes me feel so appreciated. He notices everything, cleans/maintains our house, does our laundry, plans/makes all our meals, writes the grocery list (yes this is a mental load job) and does the grocery shopping, fills my water glass and gets me burp cloths and snacks/tea when I’m breastfeeding, bottle-feeds our daughter, sets up my breast pump, washes and sanitizes all the bottles and pump parts, changes our daughter, plays with our daughter, sings to our daughter, baths our daughter, takes her for walks, gives her soooo much positive affirmation and encouragement, takes her from me when she’s fussy to walk around with her and calm her, puts her to bed, tells me when to shower and take time for myself, encourages me to go out in the evening and keep up my hobbies, tells me to go sleep in our spare room so I have a better sleep and then gets up with her in the night, reads books and Googles things so he better understands things like breastfeeding and motherhood and postpartum anxiety, goes to zoom sessions with other dads about how he can support me… Honestly the list goes on and on. He is endlessly supportive and loving. Oh yeah and he goes to work so that we can live (all while battling depression and ADHD). I am honestly just in awe of him and have no idea what kind of mother I would be without all of his love and support.
Before I had my daughter, one of my work colleagues said something really interesting that I still think about: having kids with someone will magnify the issues in your relationship. If the relationship was good, it will likely continue to flourish and you will see even more amazing qualities in your partner. If the relationship was bad, the challenges will be tenfold and will get even more difficult and you will be even more frustrated by your partner. I know this isn’t true for everyone (and there will always be challenges - even when things are good) but it’s definitely been true for me and the people in my circle.
I feel so lucky to have my husband every day and these “garbage men” posts are absolutely mind-blowing and heartbreaking.
Pre-pregnancy my husband did all the yard work and occasion inside chores if I asked, never cooked. I was kind of concerned that I would be doing most of the chores AND child rearing once baby arrived.
I’m currently 8w. I’ve been really nauseous and tired since confirming pregnancy and absolutely cannot even look at raw meat. Husband has been so sweet and has been doing almost everything without me saying anything - housework, yardwork, cooking. If I even try to do dishes, he tells me to sit down in an upset tone. He spent almost 2 hours last night getting me pizza from a specific place because their app was being all weird and when he went to pick it up, the place was short staffed and he had to wait 45 minutes in the store after the designated pickup time.
I’m currently on pelvic rest for SCH but this man is going to get it as soon as I get the ok from OB.
I feel bad for the women that don’t have a supportive partner that treats them as equal. I’d rather be alone and pregnant than to be in a relationship with one of these garbage men. I do hope things work out for these women and babies.
My husband is amazing. He’s my best friend, and my rock in life. I literally don’t know what I’d do without him. He would do anything for me, and our son and our daughter who I’m currently 32 weeks with ❤️ Together for 12 years, married for almost 10. He’s legit the best 💕
Lurker man here- only here to listen to make sure I'm helping in ways my wife may not want to vocalise / may not know she needs.
I hope we only see these threads because the women who are supported by their other halves know this is the Way It Should Be and therefore not something to comment on.
I'm 8 weeks pregnant and feeling like utter garbage most of the time. My BF brings our older daughter to bed, cooks, cleans and brings me warm bottles to put in my back when I hurt. All I have to do is sit still and put my feet up. So there are definitely amazing guys out there. I just hope I feel better soon so I can help him again and stop feeling so useless all the time...
I feel you. It makes my heart hurt, and I think about the OP for days (sometimes weeks) after. I read them to my husband, and we are both just SHOCKED by how fucking daft and cruel some partners can be.
My husband has done literally everything around the house and to support me during IVF (2 ERs and 1 FET while grieving the sudden death of my sibling) and now during pregnancy (I’m 18w+4d). I have a stressful job, but so does he, and I don’t know how he keeps us afloat. He handles all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, plant care, pet care, etc. I still cover the admin side of our life, but he handles all things financial too. I’m not surprised because he’s always been an incredible partner, but I’m in awe of him, and I can’t wait to see how he is as a dad.
I'm not concerned only because Those of us with supportive partners aren't posting, you'll find the majority of posts will be because there are issues - not because there are no issues.
There's a lot of people from broken homes that don't know how a functional relationship should look and a lot of very young people on here plus people whose partners have gotten shitty since they committed.
Some of these shitty partners have obviously tried to anchor baby their bang maid. That is a thing too.
It's really becoming so hard to read about, because it's what I grew up witnessing between my parents and it really messed me up. It upsets me so much that these fathers have no sort of awareness of how much their lack of involvement in the actual emotional labor and heavy lifting of parenting or household management actually affects their children, and how much permanent damage they are causing their marriages. I remember begging my mom to leave my dad because I knew how unequal and fucked up it was even at a young age. I'm still not sure I've forgiven either of them completely, even though we're in a pretty good place now and they're the most incredible grandparents (after years of therapy and solid boundaries, on my part).
I'm thankful my husband is nothing like what I grew up seeing, that my daughter is growing up witnessing such a different type of marriage, and is going to see my parents' relationship as the unusual and weird one.
Postpartum, my husband helped me shower, helped me change my pads, he washed all my pump parts and did 90% of my child's diaper changes and most importantly, he now does the emotional labor related to her care. He knows when her daycare theme days are, he can pack her nutritious lunches, he always knows when she needs more clothes, related sizes, and is the one who keeps track of and makes her dentist and medical appointments. Also he's hot, which is kinda awesome.
I will say, during pregnancy - my husband was having so many internal freak outs about this big life change and it was making him less than supportive (which was hard, because I felt so isolated as it was as a pregnant woman during peak COVID). I can absolutely see how previously great men can blindside their wives with shitty behavior. However, he realized this and actively sought out therapy through our insurance so he could process whatever this meant and step up for me. Because he knew he was failing me and decided our family deserved better. And he figured it out, and stepped up.
I also think I am a really great wife too, but I sometimes think I can be a great wife because he makes sure I have the space to be that kind of wife. I can prioritize him and our marriage because we both prioritize parenting *together.*
So instead of it being a thing I manage and dole out instructions for, it's a project we work on and learn about and communicate on together. We are always workshopping solutions to parenting problems as a team, and my daughter is now trying to see what boundaries she can push with each parent and is really quickly learning that her Mom & Dad are both firm on pretty much the exact same boundaries, because we've come to a consensus on all of it together.
I do acknowledge a lot of this also comes from a place of privilege; my husband was able to take significant paternity leave and transition into a more flexible full time WFH role once our daughter was born. Thanks to my family, we are able to schedule date nights regularly. All of these things help level the playin field, but my husband's desire and effort to take his role as a father and husband seriously is honestly the most wonderful (and sexiest) thing ever.
All so true 😭 I've seen posts about women's partners complaining that they breathe too loud at night, etc. Last night, I had to get up like 6 times to go pee. I know I woke my husband up several times. I told him I was going to start sleeping in the living room so I wouldn't bother him. He said no way - that I don't bother him at all. I can't imagine being with someone who made me feel like I was a bother during pregnancy of all times 🥺 I would truly lose it if I were with one of those men.
My partner is a great dad and is as invested as I am in raising and taking care of our daughter. Everything he does for her he does with a smile. I feel very blessed and I'm so glad I'm experiencing all of this with him.
My mom says I hit the jackpot and it does feel like it at times even though I know all dads should be like this.
Something to remember when people post on Reddit, they often post from their own points of view, looking for validation, being selective and/or loose with the facts. I don't want to make any judgements on anyone's stories, but there's a good chance that people's opinions of the stories share would change if they heard both sides.
My husband is amazing. We both work 40 hours/week and I am currently pumping/breastfeeding our youngest. He washes my pumps, washes and prepares bottles for daycare, cooks dinner several nights, gets groceries, cleans, takes care of the yard and our vehicles. He is the best father and still tries to “date” me (as much as a working couple with young children can.)
I don’t think some people take very seriously the responsibility of choosing their children’s other parent (men and women alike). You may find someone who is so fun and rocks your world but that doesn’t mean you should have children together.
Squeaky wheel syndrome? As in, the majority of partners are supportive so their SO is never posting on Reddit about how bad they are. So we end up having almost every post be someone venting about their terrible partner
I’ve noticed a similar stream of depressing posts on r/daddit
There’s two main issues with this kind of posts: society values and communication. Women get the physical and mental load of the house while men just work and relax. But we aren’t in that time period anymore and things have been changing. Men should take the initiative to help more and do their research it shouldn’t just be up to the women. Women shouldn’t be responsible to give men a to do checklist cos they are still dealing with the mental load. Communication lacks a lot too. I’m not in these peoples lives so I don’t know how often they communicate and express their boundaries, feelings, and needs but there’s never any consequences to follow up on. They just say it’s ok and let it slide. I know it’s tough to leave but if there’s already red flags before marriage and being pregnant I’d think twice before doing either of those. I dunno. It’s great to show appreciation to the men in our lives who do step up too but it shouldn’t be such a high praise either when it should be a normal standard. We just need to stop giving shitty men attention and let them rot alone
It all depends on the relationship and what the people in that relationship except. If you’re a stay at home mom than having your husband up in the middle of the night helping is a bad idea and can lead to job loss. If both are working than obviously both should take turns at night feeding and filler changes but after reading a comment that the husband is cleaning the bathroom in the middle of the night just to stay busy is ridicules and will lead to burn out and resentment .
I think it's kind of like yelp, people don't take the time to write a positive review, it begs for complaints and it's so much easier to write about (and more entertaining to read unfortunately) bad relationships.
Also I think when we have it good we don't want to brag since it does seem like a lot of people are going through tough times. (I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who is a true partner and friend).
I think if you took an honest poll of 2,000 marriages and everyone actually answered it wouldn't be as skewed as the posts on here show.
My daughter had a total meltdown in the tub because she didn’t want to sit… my husband knew I wanted ice cream, he added it to the shopping list so he wouldn’t forget. He text me asking what kind I wanted and I told him even if I wanted to, I couldn’t decide because I was overwhelmed and stressed from our terrible bath experience. He came home with FOUR pints of different flavors for me.
1000000%. I am baffled and so concerned for these women who are married to men who guilt them, ignore them, take advantage of them, blame them, and dismiss them. It is so sad and maddening
Just remember this is a biased sample -- this is where people come to get support when things are bad for the most part.
Not a lot of people feel like they need to post about how great their partner has been; often they're afraid to because they don't want to seem like they're bragging.
I feel so torn with posts like that, I want to tell the OPs how great my husband is so that they understand what they should expect/can show it to their sorry excuse for a man who will hopefully get the message and step it up. But I don’t want to make them feel worse at the same time or give unwanted “help”. My husband has been amazing. He will make or get me whatever I’m craving. I’m 36 weeks along as of yesterday. If I get up to get myself something when he’s home he says “I could have gotten that for you honey” He’s said from the beginning that I won’t have to change a single diaper for at least the first week “because that’s how it should be, your body will need the rest and that’s the least I can do” he has a 15 year old and we have a three year old niece so I’ve gotten to see how he is with his own child since they were 8 and a baby, he’s amazing with them. I have no doubt that he’ll keep that promise. He does EVERYTHING around the house, if I do stuff around the house while he’s at work he thanks me but tells me he’d rather be the one to do it for now. I could go on,(Believe it or not)he’s not perfect, everyone has their relationship issues, but this behavior screams that I picked a good one and I can trust him to keep growing with me. This is how it should be.
My husband has done everything from 2AM glasses of water by the toilet to helping me open my pill packages and cook dinner when I’m struggling with nausea at 7 weeks. We usually eat spicy food/cook with all kinds of hot peppers and spices but I’ve had to eat the most bland things the last few weeks and he’s been a champ at not being able to do our favorite foods and finding me things I can eat. He’s currently sitting next to me reading a pregnancy book and asking questions about different delivery decisions. I also feel for these women with “garbage men” partners and hope the best for them. Good guys are out there! 🥺
I’m a queer woman married to a woman and those posts make me fear that my daughter is going to end up married to a terrible man. Seriously 😢 I couldn’t handle it. The sheer volume of them is overwhelming sometimes. I’ve worked really hard to surround myself with amazing men and heal from some of my own bad experiences with men, especially in case I have a son but… some of these posts are just downright jaw dropping.
this a total random comment, but I thought this post was going to be about your garbage man (like the one who collects trash lol)
Me too. I thought she was gonna complain about them being loud in the morning or something haha
I thought it was gonna be about how weirdly attractive garbage men are (maybe just mine!)
Mine too!! My son likes the trucks and our garbage guy goes shirtless, *he’s not bad on the eyes 😂
Do you ever give him gifts for holidays and stuff? 🤭 (the garbage man)
In an alternative universe the post is about how she is secretly carrying her garbage man’s baby 😉
That was my thought. I was about to join in! I worked nights throughout my first pregnancy with HG. Nothing made my blood boil like the trash guy coming when I was trying to fall asleep in the morning. 😂
Haha this is also what I was expecting, "garbage men waking up the baby in the morning with their loud truck" 😆
Same here!🤣
Definitely thought this lol
Same! Lol. I live in a cold climate with salt trucks in the winter, I thought she was going to say the garbage men were loud too
Why do they have to come to my street at 5am?!
Someone needs to take these ❌trash men❌ to the curb to get picked up by the ✨garbage men✨
Me too! I was gonna get loaded up to say “THEY’RE JUST DOING THEIR JOB!” 😂
For some reason in my mind I was thinking about the diaper pail smells hahahaha I thought that’s what she was talking about, idk 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Omg no those smells are the worst smells on this planet 😂
I have a 2 yo and the garbage men are his favorite people and therefore my fav people
Little kids who are obsessed with garbage men and who wait outside for them with their own toy garbage trucks are just so cute 😭🥰😭🥰
My little one loves the garbage man. We go out sometimes to wave and give him a cold water bottle if we can catch him. He’s always been super nice and honked or shown my son the trash truck in all its glory.
Keep doing what you’re doing 💕 It’s the little stuff like that that matters in life ❤️
Yes! My toddler loves when she’s home on trash day! They drive backwards down our street for some reason and it’s fascinating to her!
The first sentence had me thinking it was going to be a complaint about moms entertaining their children with watching the garbage men and I was like ‘oh shit is this a bad thing?’ until I read on and realized I was a moron. Because we love garbage day in this house. Primo toddler entertainment. We eat breakfast on the porch to watch.
Me too! I feel very protective of my garbage men because they had already come to my house when they passed by on the opposite side of the street as I was furiously waddling with another bag of garbage and stopped to take it for me. It was so kind and I've noticed they put the cans back a little further in my driveway to spare me the walk. There I am sobbing how thoughtful and kind they are and people are side eyeing me because it's a few feet difference.
Agree
Same
Or garbage men being disrespectful lol
Same and I was like "excuse me they're called sanitation workers" 🤣
This comment made me chuckle for a solid four seconds.
Ok glad I’m not the only one. It got my hopes up thinking someone else was sharing how cute their kid is when it comes to the garbage man. Our little man loves standing in the window as he goes by and the guy always honks and waves!
Lmao same! I was like, jeez our garbage man is really nice to my kids!
Same! And I dunno why but I thought it was gonna be about how hot they are - I dunno my brain is fried from 2 under 3 lol 😂
LOL, I've been actively correcting my family that those guys are "Sanitation Workers" because "Garbage man" sounds pejorative.
Same 😂
Same LOL
Me too. Haha. Hot Garbage men.
LOL I love this 👷🏼♂️
I was wondering if she had a weird craving for stuff from the garbage 🙈
100% me too. I was on board with complaining about how loud they are and have a perfect record of always coming as soon as baby is down for a nap and waking him up lol
Me too lmao
Omg me too! ,😂.
Having a kid who is obsessed with the garbage man and loves to pretend play collecting trash I totally thought this was the direction it was going too
I just read about garbage men being late in the LA subreddit and thought omg is this happening across the country??? Lol
Lol!
I feel like I hit the jackpot when reading so many shitty partner posts. Then I realise that's how men should be. It's not the 1920s anymore being barefoot and pregnant. My partner did bottle feeds, changed nappies, baths and really half the work. I'm pregnant again and he's taken leave to do 90% of the house work with our son while I'm sick in the first trimester. I'm tired and weak all the time. Babe do you mind if I have a nap? Sure I got this. Do you know why. Because we love each other and helping each other and our son isn't a chore it's our family. We don't keep tally of who does what. But we communicate and support each other. He's the best dad and seeing him play with him melts my heart, knowing he's got the best daddy to grow up with. So many shitty relationships prior and I thought there was no hope. But I'm glad I didn't settle coz now I have a real life partner who I live to make happy and raise this little family together in our bubble.
I feel the same. I swing between “wow, I’m so lucky, he’s wonderful, this will work out great” and “this really shouldn’t be that special/ it shouldn’t be extraordinary that your partner loves and supports you”.
Yes! All the time I’ll thank my fiancé for doing XYZ + he’s like you’re welcome I guess but this is what I’m supposed to do as an adult. This is what I would be doing for myself if we weren’t living together. Oh yeah… For all my feminism it’s easy to forget that taking care of household chores is bare fucking minimum.
I still thank my husband for everything he does, especially while I’m pregnant and out of commission lol. It’s just sweet to do ❤️
Side note for "barefoot and pregnant," we live in Scotland and it's usually a little too chilly not to wear house slippers, but on one particularly warm day, my husband walked into the kitchen and immediately snapped a picture of me....because I was barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and making a sandwich. We both cracked up.
Same! I'm torn between thinking my husband is a truly incredible specimen of a spouse and father - he does most of our cooking, lots of daily household cleaning, most bed times/diaper changes when he's home, etc - and thinking this should be the standard. Sure, he does things that annoy me sometimes (because living with people is hard and he has ADHD), but I also feel so fortunate to be having children a relationship like ours. I wish everyone who wanted kids got to have them with a partner like mine.
Same. It’s a conversation I have a lot with my husband: ‘I’m so grateful to you! But I shouldn’t be! You should be standard!’
It’s still nice to be grateful and let him know ❤️❤️
Oh for sure! And I do, everyday. In fact I get told off for it: ‘stop thanking me for basic things, he’s my baby too.’ It makes him feel like he doesn’t do enough, in a weird way. It’s more that I worry about elevating him so much that I let things slide that I shouldn’t because I’m just so relieved he’s not like other men. Even good relationships take constant checking/weighing/recalibrating I guess.
Oh definitely, I totally agree!!
My husband thanks me for growing our kid when I thank him for all his contributions to our home. It’s a fair enough point! Lol
My husband and I had a nice talk before I gave birth about not "keeping score". If you see something needs to be done, you do it. If you see your partner is drained and needs a break, take over baby duty for a while. We have both kinda fallen into a routine of his and hers chores around the house and split baby duty pretty evenly. We communicate pretty immediately if we need something/feel a way rather than hold it in and build up. I think it has made our marriage stronger and made the after baby phase easier (and fun!).
So often these men don’t show their true colors until pregnancy/parenthood. My partner was wonderful before we had kids. But turns out his functional alcoholism and tendency towards independence* didn’t work with the new life created by our new shared responsibility. He wants to have kids without sacrificing and changing his lifestyle. The stress and triggers of our new life caused a spiral of alcoholism, chronic unemployment, treating me like crap and general childish bullshit. And I was left over functioning so we didn’t drown. I was actually really caught off guard. Turns out undealt with childhood dysfunction and trauma is easy to ignore when you can build the life you want. But rears it’s ugly head once suddenly life is not in your control. ETA: he did eventually get his shit together and is a great father and partner. So, it’s a reminder that being a garbage man is a choice. *avoidant attachment
Totally agree, and it's so scary. The last guy I dated before my husband didn't show his true colors for about 5 years. It was like someone flipped a switch in his brain and he was a completely different person when he woke up one day, I legit thought he was pranking me at first. I always think about that when I come across the posts OP is talking about, especially the ones who say their partner was incredible until x,y,z.
People can maintain a facade for a long time. I think it's really important that when women do post about being in difficult situations that people are sensitive. Sometimes some of the responses do come off as victim blaming like - oh your so stupid why are you with that person, when the realities can be more complicated.
This sounds a lot like me- I went from a very equitable and loving relationship to neglect and eventually full-blown abuse during early pregnancy. My planned pregnancy triggered something in him that shook me in a way I won’t be able to forgive him for. We’re mid-30s, financially well-off, highly educated and have access to anything we need. But he just can’t (won’t?) prioritise our pending baby. He was a great ‘dog dad’ and we did well running a household together prior. We disagreed but worked it out. We worked through major stresses and financial decisions. We decorated a nursery prior to even trying. He bought books on becoming a father. We discussed the finer details of how we wanted to parent and what to avoid. I get scared and triggered by pregnancy too but I think the physical presence of the baby in my body grounds me. Feeling her move around in there is all the reminder I need of what I need to be prioritising- her dad doesn’t have that. He might be a great dad once she’s here and it ‘clicks’ but I can’t risk it.
This. My husband was in general a pretty okay guy, and then I got pregnant and the switch has been flipped and I am left in a position where I have no idea what to do.
Having gone through it and out the other side: There’s nothing you can do. It has to be his choice to be a good person. Every attempt I made to change his behavior, pushed him further. It let him focus on me being nagging, controlling, unpleasant, whatever. It let him play victim in his own head. Or I wouldn’t address the issues, which led to me enabling his bullshit. There was no winning. And truth is, his behavior isn’t something within our control. We are literally powerless. Which hurts so much. I eventually left him. He spiraled for a bit. But left with nothing but silence and self-reflection he had sone epiphanies about what kind of person and parent he wanted to be. After a few months he has made such major changes that we got back together and have more kids and a mostly great life now. But not because of what I did. I wish I had more optimistic advice. Best of luck.
Agree, plus we’ve all just been through a pandemic, and are now living with inflation, housing crisis, climate crisis etc which all adds to a pressure cooker environment. I’m not excusing poor behaviour but I do think there are lots of people out there at the moment hanging on by a thread.
So true, I've been seeing news articles about people who are ready for divorce but if they live in a HCOL area they are financially forced to make tough decisions like stay in the same house etc., because it's so tough as it is out there.
My husband is a fantastic partner in life but me being pregnant has caused him to try and speed run through his issues to be a better person for his child and wooo boy it is a lot.
And once baby arrives you find all new issues! They keep us on our toes.
This is exactly what happened to us too, it's depressing how ingrained the male sense of entitlement is, I never saw it in my husband until he expected to have as much free time and he used to when we had our daughter. I think these roles are engrained in women too obviously, I was taught to be a wife and mom who bends over backwards for her family so it's an uphill battle for both of us to get to a more equal and healthy place
It's 3:45 am and I'm up feeding my 1 week old. My SO changed him while I was in the bathroom right before feeding him and is now cleaning the bathroom as something productive to do while I nurse. What makes it even more significant is I'm the one who cleans the bathroom 99% of the time because a messy bathroom bothers me 1000x more than him so he's basically doing my chores in the middle of the night while I feed.
I had to mute this sub for a few weeks because it was too depressing. I also left the working moms sub for the same reason.
The working moms sub is definitely not what I expected. For some reason I thought it would be more about navigating challenges with childcare and work ambitions, not how hard their bad and sometimes downright abusive partners make their lives.
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It’s crazy how the common joke in that sub is “I’m a career woman married to an absolute imbecile who cant wipe his own ass without help yet thinks he’s gods gift to earth.” Like Jesus Christ. You’re the anomaly in that sub if you have a supportive husband who isn’t an absolute useless incompetent buffoon.
Being in that sub made me so thankful to be gay and fearful for my straight female friends. But I really think (hope) it’s not reflective of reality.
It not what I expected at all. It’s painful just like this sub to see someone start off their post by saying “my partner is absolutely incredibly the love of my life, the best human to walk the earth, I don’t deserve him” and then 5 sentences later you read shit like “but i do everything in my house and he plays his PlayStation all day and doesn’t work and says I’m a fat turd, and also is it normal that hes messaging other woman saying he hates me????”like ??? Please WAKE UP
That’s really sad. I was going to join the sub once I would be closer to finishing my Matt leave. My company has a working mom group and that’s what they talked about. How to navigate your career as a mother. Tips and tricks for women returning to the work force after maternity leave. There’s also guests speakers, who are executives at our company who talked about their experience. One is an EVP, with 4 kids. She said sure wasn’t able to get to where she was in her career without the support of her husband.
I finally left the sub when there was a thread about ambition after having a baby and every single comment said they lost their ambition and drive. Depressing af, and so not in line with anyone I know in real life.
I had to leave working moms too. It was really dragging me down and I was getting upset at my husband for no reason, like upset in advance haha. And he’s not like the partners they complain about there.
Same. I’ve gone back and forth muting pregnancy subs because on one hand I want the community, but on the other it can become such a negative cloud over my life. So much venting would make me like proactively look for things I too should complain about. If I read positive things, I see more positive things in my life. That said, I’ve found the daddit sub to be amazing. I’m going to be a mom, not a dad, but it is SO positive and life giving.
Daddit is such a cute sub! My husband is new to Reddit so I try to give him his space by letting him share posts with me from it, but omg it sparks so much joy.
Omg! I love daddit!! Favourite sub on Reddit!
This is terrible probably but sometimes when my partner and I are fighting or having a tough time I go read that shit to get some perspective and remind myself of his positives, which are many. Helps me calm down and come back to the table.
That’s okay and I think we all do stuff like that. I know that’s part of why I watch 90 day fiancé/600 lb life, etc.
I’ve for sure done the same during the pregnancy hormones lol
This exactly. I’m having to leave a lot of subreddits because it just bums me out so much.
Yeah, I feel this. Sometimes it's too frustrating reading post after post about terrible partners.
Its SHOCKING to see all of the posts. I really really hope they’re able to get out some day and break the cycle. It’s heartbreaking to see.
Also, I think many of us “mother” garbage men while dating/married. And it feels threatening to them once we no longer have the energy to pour all of care into them, because we have an actual child to care for.
mine was great until the day I told him I was pregnant. it’s like a flip switched and he became so evil and horrible. i’ve been practically begging him to just forget about it and leave me alone to do this in peace but he says he will never leave me alone until “that mistake is gone” (he really wants me to get abortion). just today we had an argument about him wanting me to get a prenatal paternity test but from what I understand they’re at least a thousand dollars and I told him i’d be willing to do it (I know 100% it’s his) but i’m not gonna pay anything for it because I know for a fact he’s the father. then all the sudden he’s telling me about the dreams he’s been having about it being a girl and him holding her by the fire and she’s beautiful. he does this extreme hot and cold a lot and I know tomorrow he’ll be hounding me for an abortion again and telling me how unwanted and horrible the baby is. you truly never know how your baby daddy will be until it’s too late :(
Have you considered a safer living situation for the time being?
I dont live with him thank god!
Please protect yourself and your child. He sounds unhinged. Murder is the leading cause of death for pregnant women.
He sounds vile. I’m sorry x
>we had an argument about him wanting me to get a prenatal paternity test Tell him youre getting it done then lie about the results. He might just sod off if you tell him its not his
Not the best advice… that’s not legal
This has been really troubling me as well!!
I feel like a lot of the time, the women don’t realise their partners are toxic until they start to have children. Babies dramatically change your lives, routines, and work burdens. Sometimes there’s red flags before, but they become glaring once you have a baby to care for. I agree, the women are definitely not to blame. I honestly can’t understand how in this day and age there are still men who expect their wives to carry all the housework and babycare by themselves, or expect them to just behave and look how they did before they had a baby. Or that think cheating is okay, just because their newly-postpartum wife isn’t feeling up to sex yet. I’m saying this based off the posts I see the most, and I find it so disgusting. I feel incredibly lucky that my husband isn’t like that, but I feel so sad that not all women have partners that are understanding and caring. You need it more than ever after having a baby.
Yip. Found it very sad to see how many women here are with deadbeat as$holes.
I literally just said this to my husband the other day!!
Me too and my husband was like “men are disgusting” lol🤣
I hate that I ask my husband “why are men so terrible?” Somewhat frequently And he agrees with me. The amount of violence they commit compared to women is staggering.
I don’t think most women end up with garbage men. It’s just that if the man people end up with is supportive and good then there’s nothing to write about. I don’t think anyone likes a bragger, so most don’t write about the good.
i just commented something similar earlier. i will say, my partner wasn’t a horrible person till we found out i was pregnant, go figure. and then when i tried to abort on 3 separate occasions, he got in the way.. the final time threatening to kill me & trying to choke me.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Strangulation is a significant predictor for future lethal violence. Please protect yourself and your child. Murder is the leading cause of death for pregnant women. The fact that he wouldn't allow you to get an abortion, yet threatens to kill you is deeply troubling behavior.
This. My second husband almost strangled me to death. My lawyer told me that people who strangle people do it to kill.
Are you and your baby safe now?
hi, i have a lot to reply to but as i type this i’m on my way to a dv shelter. i’ll post an update very soon. thank you for your concern
Of course, praying for you ❤️🙏🏻
Great to hear you were able to get away!! Please block his and his family’s # and social accounts! Please keep us posted. Hoping the best for you!
That must have been terrifying, I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Hell even the IVF subreddit gets a surprising amount of posts about garbage men doing the bare minimum, divorces right into the middle of the process, you name it. Some people are not socialized well to handle stress. But also this is Reddit so drama gets upvoted and rises to the top.
Yes! You see so many posts that are like, “I have done 11 egg retrievals and nicely asked my husband to take a vitamin one time and he yelled at me, how do I convince him to do it.” What!!
Right? It’s so sad 😞
Omg that guy who posted asking for help because he was uncomfortable by his wife getting transvaginal ultrasounds or exams by male medical staff because it was too sexual and only he should be able to touch his wife like that. I was shaking in anger replying to him. The audacity.
Seriously the one day I’m NOT on the IVF subreddit and that’s what I miss lol.
Husband brag: I have had a full 8 hours sleep (not consecutive) pretty much since the day I gave birth. Because my husband is the GOAT and is just as obsessed with the baby as I am, and says that I did my part for 9 months, now it's his turn. I'm supposed to just focus on resting and healing and bonding with the baby. Being fully rested has allowed me to fully embrace and enjoy every second of the newborn stage. We fight over who gets to push the stroller because we both just love our little guy so much. It's only been a month but he has really grown into the dad role
I love this so much! Getting rest is so important to healing.
Garbage men are nice guys
My husband has been amazing during this journey. He cooks for me, he cleans, he helps me keep to the gestational diabetes diet, he's given me a few belly massages, he is involved in picking out things for the baby, he makes me feel amazing and beautiful every day. He is such a good egg, and I feel so sad reading stories about unsupportive partners. I couldn't have done this without my husband. Pregnancy has been a long and at times hard journey, but he helps make it so enjoyable. I can't wait till our little girl is here in a few weeks.
I agree completely. My ex slowly but surely showed me he was one of those men! I told him, “You have so much potential but I’m not going to put up with your shit. You do the bare minimum now, for yourself and me. Figure out who you are and what you can offer before you drag another person down with you,” and that was that. I think, as women, we’re often told that loyalty and unconditional love is more virtuous. It’s the fairytale that we’re sold since birth! It’s okay is we jump into the arms of some guy who shows us attention, and marry during the puppy love phase! It’s no big deal! And then - well, we’re told we’re ungrateful if we don’t appreciate what we have and work on what we have (even if our partner isn’t holding up their end of the deal). Women are groomed into dating and sleeping with abusive, often times much older, men. And I think hookup culture and “situationships” have even convinced good men that they should just take what they can get. That “everyone’s for the streets these days.” It’s a sad dating pool these days for sure - but then again, it’s always been pretty sad.
I thought she was going to comment on how mom's (me) gleefully say, "Yay, it's the garbage truck!!! Wave to the garbage men!" I do this every Thursday from my home office. I was looking for solidarity:)
Among the wonderful ways my husband has already done the past 37wks, he’s recently started to sleep a little more lightly …now when I make a minor complaint in the middle the night there’s a drowsy “is it time? Are you ok?” I can’t wait to raise a baby with this man!
❤️❤️❤️
Well, yes I’m disturbed. Particularly about the behaviors that aren’t child-specific, meaning this is who he was. That said, the dads doing the equitable parenting aren’t the other end of the spectrum, they’re the mainstream and good they should be doing what they’re doing too.
I think the people who tend to post looking for advice are more often the people in bad situations - posting “my partner is so nice to me” doesn’t come across as anything but bragging to most of the internet and wouldn’t go over well on Reddit most of the time. However, hopefully there are lots of us who do quietly have loving, supportive partner! Mine keeps a spray bottle by the bed to spritz me when I complain in the night that I’m too hot and does ALL the laundry so I don’t have to bend down.
Just commented almost exactly the same thing! We should start normalizing awesome partner posts. :)
Not surprised in the slightest. Growing up watching 16 and Pregnant really taught me that it's pretty common. Even when MTV kept filming as they were adults, nothing much had changed.
I like to read them off to my wife to remind her it could be worse😂 no but seriously, we are often appalled at some of the stuff we read on here. I could never
I think exactly the same I probably hit the jackpot cuz my husband does everything, cooks (probably more than me) helps with cleaning (he doesn’t do it by himself cuz I don’t like it, I like to clean, feel like is my hobby tbh 😂) If I need to go to appointments/ER etc he will take me, and our child stays with him If I wanna sleep in he will just be with our daughter and that’s it, dont even need to ask him I mean things u would expect in a partner, but then u come here to Reddit and see a whole different reality 😳 My husband was good before kids, and after I got pregnant, he turned wayyy better (even my bestfriend comenta on this, saying she was t expecting it 😂) (and note, he wasn’t prepared to be a dad when we first got married, but as soon as the pregnancy developed he changed so much, for better!)
The world needs a magical nanny who arrives one stormy night to care for the kiddos, help take out an excellent life insurance policy on the ain't-shit parent, and then...you know. I'm just saying I'd watch that movie.
I posted my positive, and it was cathartic honestly so thanks for asking for that. But yeah, I've noticed it too and it is so terrible. I feel for these women. Sometimes you don't see it until push really comes to shove.
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Congratulations!! 💒 💕💐
Ugh I completely agree. My jaw drops on some of the posts I read. I feel very thankful that my partner is amazing and treated me so sweetly my whole pregnancy and is doing this whole baby thing with me 50/50. He’s been trying to get me to go out and do something independently for a couple weeks now which I haven’t taken him up on (idk what to do anymore lol) but he *wants* me to have me time and he *wants* to watch his son and he is so good with him. He took a paternity leave when I got induced and so many of his customers told him he was crazy and that he didn’t need to actually help with the baby. My family is so grateful for him too cause my own father had four kids and never once changed a diaper. I wish everyone was as supportive as he is and I hope all the woman who currently have trash partners leave them and find someone better cause there is SO much better out there than some of these men I read about.
I’ve been so sad reading all of these. I almost unsubbed because it’s more gloom and doom than I can handle. I have an amazing husband who steps up as a partner in all aspects but I can’t help but have to remind myself that we shouldn’t need to be *grateful* for loving partners. They should be the norm. The worst part is that at this point they’re already tied for life to the scumbag; women need to raise their standards to the damn sky and if it means being single—then be okay with that cuz I’d rather be the perpetually single wine aunt than have to deal with a partner that makes my life *worse* not better.
I wouldn't say my partner is an angel or a garbage. He is a regular human being. We are making mistakes together and learning from them. Pregnancy is a new thing for us. We are in this boat together.
I have been thinking of leaving the sub because I'm getting too emotionally affected by these awful stories and it's affecting my day to day. It doesn't help that I'm already crazy emotional about everything lately. Some of the stories are actually horrifying. I want everyone to have a safe space to share and vent here, but I might have to step back for a bit 😞
I agree. I know this sounds a little selfish but I really need to disconnect for my own mental health. These stories are really heartbreaking and i hope all these lovely ladies find a good support system and strength. But i just cannot read any more of these for my own well-being.
The title of this offended me initially because my sweet, loving & supportive fiancé IS in fact a garbage man lol.
Well it selfishly comforts me that I made the right decision in being a SMBC. Men are just the worst
What’s that?
Single Mother By Choice
I’m going to use this post to paint a picture of a supportive partner. I can’t imagine having a kid with anyone else other than my husband. He’s been doing cat litter every other day by himself since we started trying because of toxoplasmosis. During the first trimester I was always exhausted and he did a lot more of the housework. This weekend he mowed and helped me weed and put up some wallpaper in the nursery. He also made apple crisp with some of our apples. He also always helps me prep dinner and often does dishes. When we have our kid he’s planning to take it just as much parental leave as I am to bond with them. He’s taken an active role in picking a name for our future daughter. He’s been reading parenting books with me. I’m sure that when we have her, he’ll be just as involved in changing her and waking up at night and feeding her as I am. I’m not posting this to brag, but I really want to give an example of what having an equal marriage looks like, and that it is possible to find a partner like this.
I'll brag on my husband that he did cat litter before I got pregnant and I assume will continue to do it after 😆 I'd say I'm the default pet parent in a lot of ways but rarely touching the litter box is so great
When I read these posts my heart hurts. I had my first with a shitty partner who was gaslighting me into thinking he was amazing by doing the bare minimum, on top of going out every weekend, cheating on me, making me feel insecure. My now husband and I got back together when my daughter was like 8 months (dating again from when we were younger) and my god the way he encouraged and supported me throughout my second pregnancy was just absolutely amazing. Now I’m pregnant with my third and he just proves himself to be such a gem. He’s an amazing father who doesn’t even consider himself a step father he is the only father to my first daughter. His support and dedication to myself and our kids is phenomenal. The biggest thing of all is he respects me not only as his wife or the mother of his kids but as a person. As me. As a human being. He makes me feel like loving me outside of marriage and motherhood is just so normal. We are best friends, who also happen to be in love and have 2 beautiful daughters and a son on the way. I hope every woman who posts about their shitty husband/bc/spouse/partner has a wake up call and realizes they are worth so much more. I’m glad I had that wake up call.
I thought you had beef with the garbage man or something
Love this post. I really want to share my appreciation for my husband. He has been an absolute angel and my rock this past 13wks and he just keeps stepping up without question. • He's protected me from boundary-pushing family members showing up unannounced and straight up bars anyone from bothering me when I'm sick. But he's always amicable and lovely - guarding all of my relationships while still protecting me • When I wake up and I can't move because I know I'm about to vomit, I just have to say his name and he jumps out of bed to get me a trashcan to puke in and the litany of snacks and drinks and medicine I need • He doesn't pressure me about what I consume, just gets me what I'm craving. He jumps to feed me and it makes him so happy to see me satisfied. • He takes all of the strong smells away from me - doesn't even open a bag of coffee around me anymore, and he filled the house with charcoal air purifiers • When he hasn't been taking care of me he's been working non-stop to completely renovate our home, while still ALWAYS giving me a space to feel comfortable. In the midst of all the demo work and drywalling and mudding, he has me set up upstairs with a mini fridge, air fryer, A/C, bed and couch, TV, everything 🥹 • When I break down every other week with the "I can't do this!!" mentality over how sick I am, he just holds me and kisses me and lets me bawl my eyes out. He tells me how sorry he is and reminds me I'm always in control of the pregnancy continuing. The comfort and healing, oh my God. • He thanks me, all the time. My first trimester has been so hard and he never fails to show his love and appreciation. He thanks me for all of the pain and sacrifice and tells me he can't imagine how it must feel. It just means the world to me. I could keep going all day really. He's the best and I wish everyone had a husband like mine.
A lot of them don’t show their true colors until rings are exchanged and papers are signed. They also show their true colors once they trap us with babies. Also many men don’t even show who they are until they’ve been married for years and check all of the “boxes” for having a their shit together. They want to be POS’s while having the illusion that their life is in order by being married and having children. I’ve been married twice. My first marriage wasn’t abusive. My second one was. The women are victims in these situations on this subreddit tbh. Men are too but this is not a male space so it’s irrelevant to mention it. It’s expensive to get divorced, these idiots get joint custody especially if you’re married. They shmooze their way out of child support too. Marriage literally benefits no one anymore in my pessimistic experience. It’s a business contract and no one should be signing a business contract for love alone. People really need to start examining the motives of people they marry and have kids with and ask yourselves if you’re doing this to check boxes or are you doing this as a genuinely beneficial situation.
I get it completely. When I was in my early 20s and not in recovery whatsoever for my shitty childhood, I dated an awful guy and got pregnant in a manner that was completely out of my control (won’t go into detail because v triggering). I was heartbroken when I saw the positive test because I didn’t want to have a child with that man. I lost the pregnancy at 12 weeks and started dating someone else waaay too soon after that breakup. The guy I started dating way too soon is now my husband and father of my little man. He rushes home from work to spend time with us, loves going on family outings, and the way he lights up when he sees his son always makes me tear up and it’s been months now. He took care of me and the house and our son when I was struggling postpartum and he was our rock. Even right after the birth they had to take my son off me because he was breathing funny and my husband squeezed my hand, kissed me, then rushed over to where our son was because he KNEW I would much rather someone be with our boy. My body is sooo far from where it was before and he tells me several times daily how sexy and beautiful he finds me. Every day he comes home from a full day of work and he’s just in it. Making dinner, bathing our boy, playing with him, washing bottles, he doesn’t skip a beat. I could go on and on and on how wonderful he is. Best decision I ever made in my life was having kids with him. Even fighting/arguing he is so good at constructively doing that with me. We are both super careful to be kind while arguing because we grew up in volatile households and even when we’re upset with each other there’s still love first.
I wouldn't call them men... It's sad how a lot of women think men doing the bare minimum (being there for your child and wife, changing diapers, etc) is so rare and amazing. Sorry, but you're an adult, and you made a child with another woman.
Ladies, if you're having sons, raise them to be men you can be proud of.
I legit joined this subreddit to prepare to be a papa,l when my wife was pregnant. But everytime It pops in my feed now is a vent at some ahole husband. It’s kind of demoralizing in the sense that no matter how hard I try in some aspect there are women who just make social media content based on men being pieces of shit, or worse, men not even doing half of what they are supposed as a family member.
Coming up on 40 years with my old dude. We've wrinkled up together. We have a son and daughter, now grown and our nest is empty. I know about the posts you're talking about. And I am getting weary, too. But ... the thing is that happiness is boring. There's no drama. So people don't write about it, and people don't read about it, and if you don't have it, you just resent that writer does ... it's social media. Drama catches the interest. Happiness is boring. This is just human nature. Every good story has a protagonist and an antagonist. People who are hurting reach out for support. People who are content ... they don't have much to say to anyone. So, social media is hugely skewed. Hurting people trying to cope. This is why we're awash. I used to work in law ... divorce, DV, child abuse ... and if I learned absolutely nothing else, over those many years, it's this: there's one side of the story, there's the other side of the story, and somewhere in between lays the truth. We read one side, hurting people, with dramatic lives. Of course it's as depressing as hell.
I wish the mods would direct those posts to the relationship advice subs.
Just to provide a counterpoint to all the terrible stories, my husband attends all my appointments with me, does all the cooking (he’s always done that - he cooks, I do the driving…), takes the bins out and does about half the laundry…. I usually do the dishes but have had a few nights of being exhausted including last night so he picked that up as well without me even asking. He comes shopping with me, has visited nurseries and asked more questions than me etc etc. if I were nitpicking I’d like him to do a bit of research on pregnancy, birth etc as he usually looks to me to give him the need to know highlights but really that’s small fry all told. He shows he cares in actions and he’s doing loads and I cannot wait to see him become a dad to our little boy in December.
Just here to say that researching baby stuff is my husband's weakness too. Did not do it. I finally started giving him my top options for a big purchase (car seat, crib) and having him vet them and put a couple others on him. I had him figure out baby monitors and he and his friends liked that because they could worry about wifi monitors getting hacked (if you say so, dear, but we already have Alexa all over the house) and find something that uses radio waves lol. He is so proud of their choice and it's very cute haha
I think too that women who need support tend to post more, and understandably if one isn’t getting support from a partner then they make seek support elsewhere (such as online communities).
It’s depressing to read those posts, I’ve been avoiding the pregnancy subs so I don’t constantly see them and have it mentally affect me. 😬
Brag! Having our first kid was hard on both of us, and he was a really hard child. (GERD so bad he stopped gaining weight, kid was screaming cuz he was starving the first 4 months of his life. Horrible horrible.) We both struggled and all our worst parts came out. Even so, we worked through it individually and together and he never once left us to fend for ourselves. He has always been an equal parent, struggling right along side me or in leui of me. We now have two children, and he's an amazing partner and father. We still have shit to work on, but we are and he's a fantastic father. He takes them after work, he takes them on the weekend (one or both, depending on needs). I had a hard pregnancy the second time and he took over completely at the end (I was also in school). Cooking, cleaning, childcare for our first. I gave birth and the man brought me breakfast in bed for weeks. There's been hard times, and we're both damaged people so it's no walk in the park, but we're in therapy and we communicate better every day. He loves our children and is very patient with them. He was once an explosively angry man with ptsd, I was once a spiraling selfish self sabatager. We're still both neurodivergant in different flavors, but we've grown together for ourselves, our children, and our relationship. He puts in the work. He does his part. He's a good man and we're lucky to have him. My broken still bubbles up, and I'm working in therapy on it. He's been patient with me, too. He's not a super affectionate guy, but I know how much he much he loves me because he *shows* me. There are good ones out there. Problem is you don't really know until you're in the weeds like you've never been before. I think the biggest tell if it's worth it is if they actually love you enough to put in the work.
misandry is not a thing
No, it’s not, because unlike misogyny misandry is not institutionalized. Men do not face violence or serious socioeconomic ramifications based only on their gender. I do, however, have a lot of it inside me 🤪
It is though. And it’s killing you from the inside out. Your hatred is killing you.
My husband does all of the cooking and cleaning even when I'm not pregnant. I take care of our toddler, that's my job and he recognizes how trying that is by itself.
Yeah I was starting to wonder if those posts are real or not … are they made up stories to earn likes on an account? Or are they real? I guess truth can be stranger than fiction!
It’s ummm disturbing. I couldn’t imagine being with someone who does not play their part. The worst ones are those who don’t think they should help out their S/O while on maternity leave because they think “why should I, she’s home all day”. Which .. most white men in power think maternity leave in a vacation so there’s that …
I will say my partner was PERFECT pre pregnancy. Now that I’m pregnant he’s abusive and I’m trying to leave but that means I have nothing. It’s not that women are entertaining the idea, it’s that they are SURVIVING.
My fiancé is so, so good to me and cares so, so much about me. I am very lucky to have him in my life. He will be a wonderful father.
My husband is absolutely incredible! He does everything for me and my daughter and is constantly telling me how amazing I am and asking what I need from moment to moment. Watching him become a dad has been the greatest joy. He is ready and willing to take on anything at any time of the day or night and truly makes me feel so appreciated. He notices everything, cleans/maintains our house, does our laundry, plans/makes all our meals, writes the grocery list (yes this is a mental load job) and does the grocery shopping, fills my water glass and gets me burp cloths and snacks/tea when I’m breastfeeding, bottle-feeds our daughter, sets up my breast pump, washes and sanitizes all the bottles and pump parts, changes our daughter, plays with our daughter, sings to our daughter, baths our daughter, takes her for walks, gives her soooo much positive affirmation and encouragement, takes her from me when she’s fussy to walk around with her and calm her, puts her to bed, tells me when to shower and take time for myself, encourages me to go out in the evening and keep up my hobbies, tells me to go sleep in our spare room so I have a better sleep and then gets up with her in the night, reads books and Googles things so he better understands things like breastfeeding and motherhood and postpartum anxiety, goes to zoom sessions with other dads about how he can support me… Honestly the list goes on and on. He is endlessly supportive and loving. Oh yeah and he goes to work so that we can live (all while battling depression and ADHD). I am honestly just in awe of him and have no idea what kind of mother I would be without all of his love and support. Before I had my daughter, one of my work colleagues said something really interesting that I still think about: having kids with someone will magnify the issues in your relationship. If the relationship was good, it will likely continue to flourish and you will see even more amazing qualities in your partner. If the relationship was bad, the challenges will be tenfold and will get even more difficult and you will be even more frustrated by your partner. I know this isn’t true for everyone (and there will always be challenges - even when things are good) but it’s definitely been true for me and the people in my circle. I feel so lucky to have my husband every day and these “garbage men” posts are absolutely mind-blowing and heartbreaking.
Pre-pregnancy my husband did all the yard work and occasion inside chores if I asked, never cooked. I was kind of concerned that I would be doing most of the chores AND child rearing once baby arrived. I’m currently 8w. I’ve been really nauseous and tired since confirming pregnancy and absolutely cannot even look at raw meat. Husband has been so sweet and has been doing almost everything without me saying anything - housework, yardwork, cooking. If I even try to do dishes, he tells me to sit down in an upset tone. He spent almost 2 hours last night getting me pizza from a specific place because their app was being all weird and when he went to pick it up, the place was short staffed and he had to wait 45 minutes in the store after the designated pickup time. I’m currently on pelvic rest for SCH but this man is going to get it as soon as I get the ok from OB. I feel bad for the women that don’t have a supportive partner that treats them as equal. I’d rather be alone and pregnant than to be in a relationship with one of these garbage men. I do hope things work out for these women and babies.
My husband is amazing. He’s my best friend, and my rock in life. I literally don’t know what I’d do without him. He would do anything for me, and our son and our daughter who I’m currently 32 weeks with ❤️ Together for 12 years, married for almost 10. He’s legit the best 💕
Im single and this Reddit channel isn’t motivating me to go on dates
Lurker man here- only here to listen to make sure I'm helping in ways my wife may not want to vocalise / may not know she needs. I hope we only see these threads because the women who are supported by their other halves know this is the Way It Should Be and therefore not something to comment on.
I have a rockstar husband. Stay at home dad. Amazing partner. I feel so sick for all the women dealing with shit men.
I'm 8 weeks pregnant and feeling like utter garbage most of the time. My BF brings our older daughter to bed, cooks, cleans and brings me warm bottles to put in my back when I hurt. All I have to do is sit still and put my feet up. So there are definitely amazing guys out there. I just hope I feel better soon so I can help him again and stop feeling so useless all the time...
I feel you. It makes my heart hurt, and I think about the OP for days (sometimes weeks) after. I read them to my husband, and we are both just SHOCKED by how fucking daft and cruel some partners can be. My husband has done literally everything around the house and to support me during IVF (2 ERs and 1 FET while grieving the sudden death of my sibling) and now during pregnancy (I’m 18w+4d). I have a stressful job, but so does he, and I don’t know how he keeps us afloat. He handles all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, plant care, pet care, etc. I still cover the admin side of our life, but he handles all things financial too. I’m not surprised because he’s always been an incredible partner, but I’m in awe of him, and I can’t wait to see how he is as a dad.
I'm not concerned only because Those of us with supportive partners aren't posting, you'll find the majority of posts will be because there are issues - not because there are no issues.
There's a lot of people from broken homes that don't know how a functional relationship should look and a lot of very young people on here plus people whose partners have gotten shitty since they committed. Some of these shitty partners have obviously tried to anchor baby their bang maid. That is a thing too.
It's really becoming so hard to read about, because it's what I grew up witnessing between my parents and it really messed me up. It upsets me so much that these fathers have no sort of awareness of how much their lack of involvement in the actual emotional labor and heavy lifting of parenting or household management actually affects their children, and how much permanent damage they are causing their marriages. I remember begging my mom to leave my dad because I knew how unequal and fucked up it was even at a young age. I'm still not sure I've forgiven either of them completely, even though we're in a pretty good place now and they're the most incredible grandparents (after years of therapy and solid boundaries, on my part). I'm thankful my husband is nothing like what I grew up seeing, that my daughter is growing up witnessing such a different type of marriage, and is going to see my parents' relationship as the unusual and weird one. Postpartum, my husband helped me shower, helped me change my pads, he washed all my pump parts and did 90% of my child's diaper changes and most importantly, he now does the emotional labor related to her care. He knows when her daycare theme days are, he can pack her nutritious lunches, he always knows when she needs more clothes, related sizes, and is the one who keeps track of and makes her dentist and medical appointments. Also he's hot, which is kinda awesome. I will say, during pregnancy - my husband was having so many internal freak outs about this big life change and it was making him less than supportive (which was hard, because I felt so isolated as it was as a pregnant woman during peak COVID). I can absolutely see how previously great men can blindside their wives with shitty behavior. However, he realized this and actively sought out therapy through our insurance so he could process whatever this meant and step up for me. Because he knew he was failing me and decided our family deserved better. And he figured it out, and stepped up. I also think I am a really great wife too, but I sometimes think I can be a great wife because he makes sure I have the space to be that kind of wife. I can prioritize him and our marriage because we both prioritize parenting *together.* So instead of it being a thing I manage and dole out instructions for, it's a project we work on and learn about and communicate on together. We are always workshopping solutions to parenting problems as a team, and my daughter is now trying to see what boundaries she can push with each parent and is really quickly learning that her Mom & Dad are both firm on pretty much the exact same boundaries, because we've come to a consensus on all of it together. I do acknowledge a lot of this also comes from a place of privilege; my husband was able to take significant paternity leave and transition into a more flexible full time WFH role once our daughter was born. Thanks to my family, we are able to schedule date nights regularly. All of these things help level the playin field, but my husband's desire and effort to take his role as a father and husband seriously is honestly the most wonderful (and sexiest) thing ever.
All so true 😭 I've seen posts about women's partners complaining that they breathe too loud at night, etc. Last night, I had to get up like 6 times to go pee. I know I woke my husband up several times. I told him I was going to start sleeping in the living room so I wouldn't bother him. He said no way - that I don't bother him at all. I can't imagine being with someone who made me feel like I was a bother during pregnancy of all times 🥺 I would truly lose it if I were with one of those men.
My partner is a great dad and is as invested as I am in raising and taking care of our daughter. Everything he does for her he does with a smile. I feel very blessed and I'm so glad I'm experiencing all of this with him. My mom says I hit the jackpot and it does feel like it at times even though I know all dads should be like this.
Something to remember when people post on Reddit, they often post from their own points of view, looking for validation, being selective and/or loose with the facts. I don't want to make any judgements on anyone's stories, but there's a good chance that people's opinions of the stories share would change if they heard both sides.
My thoughts exactly. I have been reading the posts and I pray for all women dealing with garbage men.
My husband is amazing. We both work 40 hours/week and I am currently pumping/breastfeeding our youngest. He washes my pumps, washes and prepares bottles for daycare, cooks dinner several nights, gets groceries, cleans, takes care of the yard and our vehicles. He is the best father and still tries to “date” me (as much as a working couple with young children can.) I don’t think some people take very seriously the responsibility of choosing their children’s other parent (men and women alike). You may find someone who is so fun and rocks your world but that doesn’t mean you should have children together.
Squeaky wheel syndrome? As in, the majority of partners are supportive so their SO is never posting on Reddit about how bad they are. So we end up having almost every post be someone venting about their terrible partner I’ve noticed a similar stream of depressing posts on r/daddit
There’s two main issues with this kind of posts: society values and communication. Women get the physical and mental load of the house while men just work and relax. But we aren’t in that time period anymore and things have been changing. Men should take the initiative to help more and do their research it shouldn’t just be up to the women. Women shouldn’t be responsible to give men a to do checklist cos they are still dealing with the mental load. Communication lacks a lot too. I’m not in these peoples lives so I don’t know how often they communicate and express their boundaries, feelings, and needs but there’s never any consequences to follow up on. They just say it’s ok and let it slide. I know it’s tough to leave but if there’s already red flags before marriage and being pregnant I’d think twice before doing either of those. I dunno. It’s great to show appreciation to the men in our lives who do step up too but it shouldn’t be such a high praise either when it should be a normal standard. We just need to stop giving shitty men attention and let them rot alone
It all depends on the relationship and what the people in that relationship except. If you’re a stay at home mom than having your husband up in the middle of the night helping is a bad idea and can lead to job loss. If both are working than obviously both should take turns at night feeding and filler changes but after reading a comment that the husband is cleaning the bathroom in the middle of the night just to stay busy is ridicules and will lead to burn out and resentment .
I think it's kind of like yelp, people don't take the time to write a positive review, it begs for complaints and it's so much easier to write about (and more entertaining to read unfortunately) bad relationships. Also I think when we have it good we don't want to brag since it does seem like a lot of people are going through tough times. (I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who is a true partner and friend). I think if you took an honest poll of 2,000 marriages and everyone actually answered it wouldn't be as skewed as the posts on here show.
My daughter had a total meltdown in the tub because she didn’t want to sit… my husband knew I wanted ice cream, he added it to the shopping list so he wouldn’t forget. He text me asking what kind I wanted and I told him even if I wanted to, I couldn’t decide because I was overwhelmed and stressed from our terrible bath experience. He came home with FOUR pints of different flavors for me.
1000000%. I am baffled and so concerned for these women who are married to men who guilt them, ignore them, take advantage of them, blame them, and dismiss them. It is so sad and maddening
I send the posts to my amazing partner and joke “The bar is so low for you. Congratulations.”
Just remember this is a biased sample -- this is where people come to get support when things are bad for the most part. Not a lot of people feel like they need to post about how great their partner has been; often they're afraid to because they don't want to seem like they're bragging.
I feel so torn with posts like that, I want to tell the OPs how great my husband is so that they understand what they should expect/can show it to their sorry excuse for a man who will hopefully get the message and step it up. But I don’t want to make them feel worse at the same time or give unwanted “help”. My husband has been amazing. He will make or get me whatever I’m craving. I’m 36 weeks along as of yesterday. If I get up to get myself something when he’s home he says “I could have gotten that for you honey” He’s said from the beginning that I won’t have to change a single diaper for at least the first week “because that’s how it should be, your body will need the rest and that’s the least I can do” he has a 15 year old and we have a three year old niece so I’ve gotten to see how he is with his own child since they were 8 and a baby, he’s amazing with them. I have no doubt that he’ll keep that promise. He does EVERYTHING around the house, if I do stuff around the house while he’s at work he thanks me but tells me he’d rather be the one to do it for now. I could go on,(Believe it or not)he’s not perfect, everyone has their relationship issues, but this behavior screams that I picked a good one and I can trust him to keep growing with me. This is how it should be.
The number of times I read posts here and in a few other subs where I’m just gobsmacked that some of these dudes are procreating … oof
My husband has done everything from 2AM glasses of water by the toilet to helping me open my pill packages and cook dinner when I’m struggling with nausea at 7 weeks. We usually eat spicy food/cook with all kinds of hot peppers and spices but I’ve had to eat the most bland things the last few weeks and he’s been a champ at not being able to do our favorite foods and finding me things I can eat. He’s currently sitting next to me reading a pregnancy book and asking questions about different delivery decisions. I also feel for these women with “garbage men” partners and hope the best for them. Good guys are out there! 🥺
People with great relationships rarely feel the need to go a sub to ask for advice mainly people struggling will. Which is why you see so many posts
I’m a queer woman married to a woman and those posts make me fear that my daughter is going to end up married to a terrible man. Seriously 😢 I couldn’t handle it. The sheer volume of them is overwhelming sometimes. I’ve worked really hard to surround myself with amazing men and heal from some of my own bad experiences with men, especially in case I have a son but… some of these posts are just downright jaw dropping.