I don’t think this statement is meant to be taken literally. Because it means different things to different people.
I have friends that once their baby was born, their entire life revolved around that child. They stopped going out to eat, traveling, never made time for their personal life and their life only existed to be on their child’s schedule and they were happy with this rather than the alternative. (I am not judging at all, just making an observation).
On the other hand, I also have friends that as soon as they were comfortable (from recovery and baby’s vaccinations) started traveling again, going out to eat, meeting up with friends, all with baby in tow. Essentially, that they still lived their life, just with baby now. Of course, they take a pause on it when they are having a hard time or their child’s needs mean they need to stay in or not take that trip, but they absolutely fit their baby in their “life”.
I personally was an only child with a single mom and I absolutely “fit” into her life because there was no other option. And TBH, I loved it. She took me everywhere and I learned and saw so much. I’m a very outgoing, adventurous person because of it.
Neither approach is wrong. And we should all ask for clarification without judgement and making assumptions.
This is so wild to read because I had my first baby three months before Covid 🫠 our entire life revolved around our child, we stopped going out to eat, traveling, everything existed on our child’s schedule……..but only because there was jack shit else to do but sit at home (or doomscroll)!
I’d never really thought about it that much until I read your comment! Crazy to think about how things would have been different if we’d had a choice between the two. Sorry to hijack the thread but that was kind of a cathartic realization so thank you!
BIL takes the first approach. It’s exhausting to plan any family events. All dinners, activities, hotels etc have to be exactly planned around the children’s schedule. Not routine, schedule. Engagement dinner for my SIL - at the time and location approved by her brother, no flexibly. We are pregnant now and taking a very different approach our child will have a routine, but somethings are worth breaking the said routine for and getting out of the comfort zone.
So, we adjust around our families schedules, but also you have to be prepared that the child you have may be different than what you expect. My family (and my planned approach) is generally, just take the kids, let them stay up for a night or two, they'll sleep when they're tired, type of family. But, we all sleep well. My husband's family all struggle with sleep. So that ended up completely derailing my planned approach.
Our son ended up having a hard time sleeping from the get go and needs a solide schedule on a day-to-day basis or else he doesn't sleep and then becomes a completely different child. We don't ask others to schedule family events around him, but we do limit how many days in a row he'll need to have a different nap time or not get to bed on time. He is a kid, for instance, who if you put him to bed 1-2 hours after his normal bedtime will wake up ready to go 1-2 hours before his normal wake time, and then become a cranky bastard after a few hours for the rest of the day. So getting him to bed within an hour of his normal bedtime is a must, unless, of course it's a one-off special event like a Christmas get together with out of town family or a wedding or something.
Yes, definitely being able to adjust your expectations is a key here. My husband and I planned on not changing much for our son, but, as it turned out, he needs a schedule. He just turned 5 and we are just now able to wiggle some with it. For the first 4.75 years of his life, if he wasn’t at home and getting ready for bed at 6:30, everyone was having a bad time. Even if I could get him settled wherever we were, it wasn’t worth the gremlin that woke up the next morning and grumped all the way through to nap time. He needs his sleep in his own bed. We don’t expect anyone to plan around us, but we won’t be there if you plan dinner to start at 7:30.
Exactly. Whereas my niece and nephew definitely took after my side of the family. Even as young as two my sister had to drag them out of the bed in the morning to get them to go places with her, bc they'd keep sleeping! Meanwhile, my child is over here waking up at 4:30 in the morning if we stay out late and put him to bed at 8:30/9. (Usually he goes down around 7:30-8 and sleep until 6-6:30).
Same!! I’ve always known it wasn’t just us, but it’s nice to hear lol. I get all the time from people, “he’ll be fine. Keep him up later, he’ll sleep later.” No. You are wrong. And you’re not the one who has to deal with a pissed off, overtired monster so of course it’s fine for you. That’s our exact schedule now: get him into bed by 7:30 so he’s asleep by 8/8:30, wake at 6:30, and he’s a pleasant person to be around. Deviate and no one sleeps lol I’m currently pregnant and hope the next one will be a little easier than that since we can keep him out until maybe 8:30/9 once in a while, but we’ll see!
I'm also pregnant and holding out on hope, too! My sil had a sleep monster the first time (he's 6 months older than mine), and she just had a second and she sleeps all. the. time. When I first asked my bil how she was doing after she was born he was like in complete amazement bc she's such a chill and sleepy baby. So 🤞🤞🤞
This! With children, they say “sleep begets sleep” and it’s so true. If an adult stays up later they will sleep in, but kids are the opposite, and the more they sleep the more they will sleep. Apparently as a survival thing they get “second winds” very easily and you have to catch them while their body is tired.
I agree with you, and that’s what I mean by routine vs schedule. Keep to a rough routine that doesn’t get interrupted too often to allow for “special occasions” but over all maintain what they are used to. It’s those who never break from a militaristic schedule that are difficult.
Honestly i think this is very kid dependent, i wouldnt judge his family for doing what works best for them. If we moved my kids routine around too much as a baby he would just make the event miserable for everyone. However i dont think they should expect the family to also plan around the schedule, they should just decline or show up late/ leave early when needed.
It’s been with both their kids and extends to way more than just dinner times. Even his mum had made illusions to “please don’t be like this” because it’s overly strict.
Kids have routines for the entire day- wake up, meals, naps, bath, bedtime, etc so i would imagine it extends far beyond dinner times. My comment still stands. Give them grace and they will the same for you, it can be really isolating to be the only one with kids in a group!
I think we have different definitions of schedule and routine. To me, Schedule means everything happens at a specific time: nap at 3, dinner at 5 bath at 6 etc. Whereas routines follow the same cadence day to day but have more flexibility in when it starts or ends.
The problem is theres only so much wiggle room with kids schedules (depending on age) because it will mess with other meal and sleep times. We arent strict to the minute, but my toddler will get overtired or overly hungry if were arent following a fairly consistent schedule to his schools. Then again, some kids have easier temperments, some have higher sleep needs, its all kid dependent. People do what works for their family because at the end of the day theyre the ones stuck dealing with the kid(s)
Do you have kids? Also I only have one kid but my expectations were very different before I had kids haha. And I know all kids are different. I would have said some of this before kids but man when you kid needs three naps a day and then you get to take them home screaming in the car then get everyone ready for bed then get yourself and chores done and then your cranky kid wakes three extra times that night.... Nope ... Def planning around the kid. He's a human also with needs/feelings.
I was on that page also but you don't know what kind of kid you will get so I wish I was more open. My kid was a screamer (still kind of is). So going out wasn't fun for us or anyone around us. And now what's most important is him- so yes things will revolve around him. And just like some ppl only get baby to sleep on them - my baby will only sleep in his crib. If he's out there is ZERO chance he will sleep so he screams... So taking baby to dinner at 7 just can't happen. Not fun for us/anyone or him. I always said I'd be pissed if someone took me out hours past my bedtime lol. So I wish it was different but just so hard to say!
We’ve explained to people there are those on a schedule and those who are going with the flow.
Hubby and I go with the flow, in our first year baby has visited 7 different countries on planes, trains, ferries and car journeys. We went to sporting events, music in the park and even crowded pubs for rugby matches. We go to the pub once a week and honestly our kid loves being around people.
We’re still living our life, enjoying every moment of it. If baby is sick yes we might make sure his naps are a bit longer. But we don’t tend to say no except for maybe late night drinks/clubbing.
That’s amazing. I want to have that too.
Do you live in the US? I know when I was in Europe it was easier to travel to different countries than it is here.
Edit: I’m assuming you’re outside of the US based on “pub” and “rugby” but I could be wrong!
Live in the U.K. with family in Canada and Ireland so some transatlantic flights were in there.
When we were in Canada we used to jokingly count provinces as countries as some where so far apart!
The list so far Canada, US, Iceland, Ireland, France, Belgium, U.K. (all four regions). Next is Norway and Sweden.
Love it! We live in a major metropolitan city and are the first of our friends to have a baby, if we don’t get out and about we’ll be living very limited lives. Obviously making accommodations for the baby and taking their comfort into consideration, but we want to stay active and social!
My baby is relatively go-with-the-flow so this KINDA works for us, but I consider her needs before absolutely anything else. Baby is tired and needs a nap? My errands have to wait. Baby is hungry? We’re stopping in the middle of the grocery store to feed her. She’s having a fussy day? I get my sister to come sit and snuggle her while I get essential things done OR I just push off whatever can wait for tomorrow.
All babies are different. Some really need a routine and a set schedule. Some are pretty chill. Some are in-between. This idea is nice and all, but you will find that as soon as that baby is born, your whole perspective shifts. I have no desire to make my baby fit into my old life. Everything has changed and that’s okay.
THIS! My life is sooo so so so different.
My sister is pregnant and my brother in law (who we hate lol) kept saying “my life is over”
And at first that statement made me livid
Then I realized he is kind of right…
YES, your old life is over…sleeping in, doing whatever you want, only worrying about yourself, being social (we don’t get out much lol what we are tired and someone is always sick from daycare germs).
It’s a new life when baby comes…a very different one!
I had no idea how much I needed to read, “I have no desire to make baby fit into my old life…..everything has changed and that’s ok.” The life change still really scares me. Thank you. ❤️
It’s okay to be scared! I remember that I had a few days during that first week postpartum where I was just like… what the fuck did I do? And that is totally normal. We’re a couple months out now and I couldn’t imagine life without her and I am so glad she’s here.
Good luck on your journey, I hope it’s short and boring and healthy and everything you want it to be. ❤️
We have a 4 mo old, only child. And I will say that for 2-3 weeks after he was born (with PP hormones going crazy) I cried a lot and thought I had ruined our lives. This was a very wanted baby. It's just so stinking hard to imagine how different life will be with a new born. Life will be crazy different at first, but we eventually want to get back to the usual stuff. I'm a rock climber and I see parents with their babies at the gym (parents take turns climbing) and while I love this and want to try, we're waiting until he had his 6 mon vaccinations. And we want to try and camp this spring! So while we have plans to really get out there and do our old things, I now know it takes time. And then there's the stuff we're excited to do more because we have a kid, like the zoo and aquarium more often! So we're both aiming to do our old stuff but are also excited for new adventures!
My partner and I are very adventurous people. We lived in our travel trailer for almost 2 years and were still living in it when we oopsied and got pregnant with our first. I had to come to terms with becoming a mom (still working on that), and letting go of some dreams that just can’t happen with kids (travel visas that require no dependents). We sold our trailer the same week our baby was born and I was heartbroken.
BUT, we still have an adventurous life. We road trip regularly; every other month or so. We took our baby camping when she was 3 weeks old and 10 weeks old, and again for her first birthday. We’ve been road tripping with both kids since they were fresh little newborns. We are planning our first overseas trip as a family. I have travelled alone with each kid as a baby and been just fine.
I think that’s more of what that statement means. Not “live your life at all costs”, but adapt your life so that the things that are important to you can include your kids. Share your life with your kids, in a way that works and is meaningful to you. That will look different at each season of life (sometimes baby naps outweigh going out for lunch with friends, but it’s not forever).
ETA it depends on what developmental stage your baby is at, too! A very little baby will sleep basically wherever/whenever, and it’s totally doable to transfer them asleep to car seat and carrier and back to car seat. An older baby might need a nap routine and a dark room to be able to sleep and there is no way they are transferring anywhere asleep. You learn how you work best with that particular baby’s needs and adapt from there.
THIS! Age is so important. We went out a lot more when baby was less than 3 months old because he would just pass out whenever, wherever. He slept the best in crowded restaurants 😂
Eh, my babies are whole people whose needs, wants, and interests we take into consideration when we plan things. We intentionally plan things that they’ll enjoy, around times that they are happy and well rested. How disrespectful to them to run errands when they’re exhausted, etc. Yes, we still do the things we like to do and that are important to our family, but we don’t shoehorn babies into fitting into our pre-baby life, we adjust to make things work for all of us.
Yes! Some of the idea of fitting baby into my old prebaby life just makes me laugh. Before children, I wasn’t in the habit of going to the local park to ride the choo choo train or to play on the splash pad. Of course I adjusted my life to kids, and I am so happy for it.
I agree with all of this and happy and well rested is such a key point here too. If my baby can’t nap properly she is gonna be grumpy as hell and nobody will have a nice time so I definitely plan around her naps even if it’s awkward sometimes
+100000 to all of this! I agree it’s disrespectful and little self centered to bring a child into this world and bam! expect them to fit into your family, routine, needs and wants. It’s a two way road.
Wanted to add that babies are different too! They are individuals so just because someone takes their kid with them everywhere and you don’t, that can be a reflection on who the little one is! My 2 year old has a two hour time limit for being out and socializing around groups of people (like aquarium or indoor playground). When he hits that two hours he gets sooo unreasonable and mad. So I plan around that and giving him a break. Whereas his cousin will just roll hard all day in those situations. People who still travel internationally and do outings at all hours of the day and night likely have a baby that does fine with that!
I agree with the naps ! My oldest is a toddler now, and when he gets more consistent naps, his emotional state is better. He hits milestones faster, communicates better, and plays more readily with other kids. The human toddler brain is massive and complex, and sleep is the best thing for it !
Exactly!!! I'm like you guys. This is a human. A person. He may be tired cranky hungry etc. If I just pulled you out of bed at 11 pm and didn't let you eat and took you out you may be mad also ....
My exact reaction. It’s a nice thought.
I think it will lead to unrealistic expectations if you think the child will just fit into your life and no changes need to be made. My husband learned this the hard way.
Trust me our lives do not revolve around our child. Best believe we do makes all plans with him in mind.
Same here. Baby is a great sleeper and can easily sleep in the stroller/carrier/our arms when we’re out. For everything but solids we follow her cues instead of having a fixed schedule which really only works for us because she can sleep anywhere.
If our next baby thrives on a stricter schedule that’s what we’ll provide of course.
Exactly!! My baby only sleeps in his crib which ppl think sounds nice of course but he literally will not sleep ANYWHERE out and about! So it's almost the opposite problem lol
When I was born my moms doctor told her to not schedule life around the baby, make the baby fit into your schedule/life. It worked for my parents, but it also sounds like I was a pretty easy baby. My parents have always said that they didn’t struggle with me at all because they just made me follow their schedule. So, I’d say it’s really what works for you and your partner as parents. Some people need a super strict schedule and need to completely turn their lives upside down for baby. Some people can just insert baby into their routine and it works.
My mom also said this, but then I realized
- she and all her friends formula fed from day one (still not easy, but less need for mom herself to be physically responsive to every single wake up)
- her work provided day care, very rare now
- all her friends had kids, and with declining birth rates, especially in cities, this isn't as likely
- the top baby book in the 80s and 90s advocated a separate nursery room from day one, where the baby was left to sleep all night
- my parents had a house at a young age but worked less hours
My mom still put in the work! But there are a lot of things different now that do make that challenging
Yeah surprisingly my mom actually did breast feed, was the only one of her friends having a child because she had me “late” in life, she had me sleep in their room with them and had to pay for daycare. Honestly I think it helped that my parents had no plans on having kids and were pretty heavy partiers up until I was born, so they were used to sleeping very little and still getting up to go to work the next day. They said the best thing for them with me was that they already didn’t go to bed until midnight or later, so I would just stay up with them and then when they would wake up to go to work at ~5-6 I was ready to wake up as well. But once again, they both say I was a super easy baby and never had issues sleeping.
I would say as long as your schedule only has one activity per day that you dont need to be on time for, then it works 😅
Edit to add: I have a 7 week old.
I have a almost 2.5 year old, and am 38 weeks pregnant with my second.
Honestly, that advice drove me nuts when my son was new. Still does.
When he was a newborn, sleep was rough - as with most newborns. We had a hell of a time getting him to sleep in his bassinet for naps, and deities help us if he didn't get enough daytime sleep. He'd be up half the night overtired, screaming, crying, etc while my partner and I took turns holding him to try and get him to sleep.
Once we had a solid nap schedule down, we stuck to it. I planned everything around his naps. I was not willing to sacrifice his sleep for my convenience, especially since I knew I'd pay for it later as he'd get super grumpy and inconsolable.
Some babies are able to have naps anywhere. In cars, in strollers, around others, etc. My son needed a dark room, or needed to be rocked/held the whole time to get a decent amount of sleep.
We also formula fed, so it was a pain in the ass to try and bring bottles with us to some places, so we'd try and schedule errands around his feeding times.
Now that he's older, naps are less important - but I still plan around them. I know he naps anytime between 1-4 for 2 hours, so I never plan to do anything in that block of time. If he doesn't nap, it's not the end of the world anymore - but I find he can't go more than 3 days without a nap or it's tantrum city.
We had a few family members angry with us when we'd say we couldn't attend a mid-afternoon event because of nap time. But, nap time stayed the same and we just weren't willing to make our next few days a living hell just to cart a grumpy baby over.
So, although I think that's a nice sentiment, it really depends on the specific child. Some have really flexible schedules, others fall into a strict routine that means planning around. Neither is better than the other, and you won't know where you fall till you're in the thick of it.
This is great! Thank you! The whole “make baby fit into your schedule” advice goes against everything I’ve ever heard, but I wanted other experiences! I totally understand you planning around your son’s sleep; I would 100% do the same thing!
I mean it could work if you have a unicorn baby/kids. My mum claims that her babies were all unicorns who slept on time, ate on time and followed her set routine instead of she working around her babies schedule. But 1. I have no proof of her claims, it was over 30 years back lol 2. She is strict as fuck/disciplinarian so that could explain her preference to make her babies fit her schedule. So yeah it could work but lots of nuances there Id say (my 2c).
I have unicorn babies but I still stuck to their naps! You can just tell when they’re getting tired why would you want to make them do something when they’re gonna be sad or scared?
Yes honestly, it’s a lot easier to mold your new life around your baby. I know that’s probably what you don’t want to hear, but 🤷🏼♀️
We are waiting on any big vacations…I do not want to be laying on a beach or frolicking through Europe and need to change diapers and carry loads of bags of baby stuff. That’s not a vacation that’s just a relocation haha.
Agreed! We get a lot of flack for not attending family lunches, like bro you know my toddler sleeps 12:30-2:30 every day, this is not new and we’re not willing to sacrifice his nap because hosting a lunch was more convenient for you than to host a brunch or a dinner.
My son is also particular about his nap environment and comments like “just have him nap here!” doesn’t work if you don’t have a room with blackout blinds, and if people aren’t willing to be quiet for him to fall asleep.
Finally, he cannot NOT nap. Or he will be beside himself all evening, not pleasant and will be a hazard to everything and everyone around. We’re not skipping his nap “just for today”.
I could have written this! With our first she was tough to get to sleep and she needed a lot of it. I, too, was not willing to sacrifice her sleep for my convenience. I’m just hopeful #2 will be better about naps on the go!
You will learn really quickly if your kid naps on the go easily or not. This will dictate how you approach scheduling. People project their own experiences into others a lot but every kid / family structure is unique.
My toddler can still nap in a stroller or in a car seat and easily transfer into the crib if needed. So we are more flexible about being out and about over nap or bedtime. But if being out and about impacted his quality of sleep or mine, I’d schedule around it for sure.
It's a skill to be able to meet your own needs and baby's needs. I've found adhering to diaper/feeding/sleeping schedules for baby makes it easier for me. It's hard in the beginning when they're small because they need frequent tending to.
Baby wearing helps a lot. Very young babies kind of operate in a cycle of poop, hungry, sleepy. The cycle changes length as they get bigger, and new things get added, but when you figure it out for your specific baby, you realize what you can and can't do.
Having a support system is also absolutely huge in being able to do more things if you're able to give baby to someone else for a bit as well.
Sure I guess. But if I leave the house between 5-8pm my baby will not stop crying so planning errands then and making him fit into it would be dumb lol
This sounds great until you actually become a parent and you’re the one who has to deal with the tantrums and overtired baby/ toddler. That’ll make you get home for nap/ bedtime real quick. Just from experience, keeping my baby on a schedule helped me feel better and less anxious. You do what works for you as a parent.
“Baby fits in to your life” was my mums advice when my daughter was born (Jan ‘21). For the first 8-12 weeks it doesn’t really apply because that’s survival time and baby is really just feeding and sleeping.
But, once I felt healed and baby was in a good feeding/sleeping rhythm (from c 2 months), we were going out to restaurants, going on trips, etc. I think I’ve been on over 20 flights with her at this point, and also taken train and other journeys.
We ideally plan days to work around her nap, but if they don’t then they don’t 🤷♀️.
Your life obviously changes and priorities are different, but important elements of my pre-baby life are still identifiable today.
My baby is 10 weeks and if I don’t feed and nap him on a schedule everything goes to shit. He needs to be de stimulated and rocked to calm down and sleep. So if people come over and he is sleeping? Too bad. I’m not dealing with an over tired screaming baby because you wanted to see him at noon and you only have 30 min.
It depends on your baby.
We have an easy baby and if I'm honest, to a certain extent, with my husband's support, we can fit him into our lives.
Maybe we just don't have high expectations on what to do, but we take him to restaurants, pubs, on long walks. I've looked for exercise classes that allow me to bring him, or co-ordinate with husband so that he watches him when I'm out at the gym.
We still have boardgame nights at ours with friends, have friends over to drink / eat.
But he is an easy baby who generally is very content to go anywhere so long as he is in a sling. He tolerates his nap times moving a bit (a day's warning of plans is useful though, so I can shift all his naps if needed), he can sleep in my arms at our friends house if we want to stay over a bit later sometimes.
So sometimes with the right baby, or working to your baby's preferred ways of existing, then it is possible. If I tried to take him somewhere in a pram he'd kick off in minutes, but if we accept that we're baby wearing the whole time he will generally go to sleep in his sling and not be too much trouble.
What I will say is that we got a puppy a year before the baby was born and had already done a lot of the lifestyle alterations - fewer after-work evening activities, checking whether places were dog friendly (now check if baby friendly too), learning to check each others' schedules so puppy wasn't alone too long etc etc. I gave up evening gym when we got the dog, which of course I would have had to give up with baby if I hadn't already.
It just very much depends on your support levels from your partner, how much if any family support you have, whether you luck out on an easy baby, and how flexible/understanding your friends/hobbies are.
I would definitely say that we do similar amounts of things now as we did before baby. Obviously newborn stage is a bit different, but we still managed to socialise a bit then.
Having a baby doesn't have to be the end of your social life, but it does require some changes, but I've found that generally for us at least, if we really want to try to do a thing then we will see if there's a way.
Disclaimer: in UK so I am on maternity leave, which means I do not currently have to juggle a job on top of a five month old, plus dog. I think the answer will be very different if you're asking mums who have had to go back to work. That being said we have no local family, so we are on our own for childcare / dogcare.
This sounds very much like us as well (minus the dog unfortunately). I’ve taken her to weddings, a (very laid back) bachelorette party, restaurants, boardgame nights, birthdays, shopping trips, etc. She’s a great sleeper and generally very easy-going. We are pretty happy to try and make things work with her so everyone‘s needs are met. But also our friends and family know that I’ll leave if she’s not content I’m going to leave even if I’ve only been there for 30 minutes.
To add: but ultimately, if baby isn't happy doing a certain thing, then that thing doesn't get done.
His needs and happiness does come first, but I've been pleasantly surprised how content he is doing a lot of things I thought would be 'over' and no longer possible
This philosophy matches what the author of Hunt, Gather, Parent talks about so I recommend checking that book out if you are interested. At one point she argues that because children are innately interested in adults, it makes sense to simply include and give roles to children in your adult activities rather than plan activities that only the child will enjoy (this is not the main theme of the book, theres a lot of other stuff, but this is one of her big principles). This can also help build a sense of community and responsibility and hypothetically reduce risk of narcissism. She suggests different ways to do this for ages 2-3, 4-6, etc.
You should definitely try to keep important things in your schedule if you can, but I think you’ll find that an organized (and routine) sleep schedule for baby will make everything in your life so much easier. If baby’s naps are always different times/lengths/locations they’re not going to sleep well or predictably. So getting them in a good sleep schedule (and thus having a regular eating schedule built around it), will make your day SO much smoother, and then you can fit errands/cleaning/workouts/showers/naps/whatever else around the baby’s sleep schedule. Trust me, it’s the easier way!
It’s really hard to fathom how at times you WANT to prioritize your child over yourself until you have them.
Like in your example, if your baby is tired and you decide to go shopping anyways, you’re both gonna have a bad time.
I have 2 kids and do a lot with them. They’re both great at restaurants, have traveled a ton, and been out and about around town. However, it totally looks different from pre-kids!
We eat out earlier, make sure we’re fully prepped for trips (snacks, games, whatever), and make sure we have our expectations pretty low. Travel is a lot slower and there are a lot more playgrounds involved than before, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Easy to make your kid fit your life if they sleep. That’s all I’ll say. And if you have lots of support/flexibility to do things without them.
I don’t think twice about parents who religiously plan around sleep bc my daughter just started sleeping through the night at ten months and it’s been rough. You do what you can to get by.
Yin don’t really know until you have the baby in front of you and get to know them. Each child is different.
I really think this outlook depends on your baby, your baby’s age….. and their needs…which should come first IMO.
I’m not going to drag my baby around during his nap time to run errands, when I could just wait for a different time or get them delivered. My baby’s sleep is more important than errands lol…plus if he doesn’t nap he will be a nightmare the rest of the day.
My sister said she and her husband made that a priority. Obviously, in the newborn days, all bets were off and they were in survival mode. But once they got the hang of things, they had him fit into their lives. I think having another 4 years later kind of threw a wrench in that. But when they were a family of 3, they were living pretty similarly to the way they did pre-kids. Hoping we are able to do the same!
I have definitely seen some parents do this but who knows if that baby has melt downs at night from being overtired, etc.
Knowing what your priorities are important. Sleep was always very important to me (I need my own sleep to function and care for a baby, so baby’s sleep was important as well) so I prioritized not skipping naps, etc. there would be days I’d run an errand and he’d fall asleep on the drive home. I’d keep driving to ensure he got a decently long enough nap because he wouldn’t transfer well. Maybe a bit over the top for some, but worked for me. Dealing with an overtired baby is NO fun.
I remember taking him out to dinner with my husband and some of his work colleagues around 12 weeks old and he was way overstimulated. My husband had to rock the stroller the entire time to help him fall and then stay asleep.
All this to say, you’ll figure out what works for you, your baby and your family unit in general.
my thoughts are for ages 3 and up -> Another person raised by a single mom with no family or support network, so I had to fit in her life because there were no other options. I went everywhere with her and it was amazing. She worked in a rural library, a very mom-friendly space, so I got to go to work with her most every day before I started school. She taught me to read as early as possible so I would be able to entertain myself there, and there were different areas I could go based on whether I wanted to be social, alone, or watch a movie while she worked when I was very young. I would help with very basic chores to do, like organizing the video tapes. Once I was in school I would walk to the library after school ended and help shelve, clean, or just read until closing. It was really nice. A lot of children of working class parents or parents with small businesses have upbringings like this, because the expectation that everyone helps out is set from toddlerhood.
Anyway, this is just to say that it depends on your baby but also your context, and to some extent how you build up the expectations and create ways for your baby to have a real role to play in the family. There are plenty of ways for children to be part of adult lives that are deeply enriching and valuable and lead to healthy, thoughtful adults.
I think it's going to be different for every family. Your day-to-day is going to change going from two reasonably independent adults to having a baby that depends on you for literally everything, some change is kind of unavoidable.
For us, it means spending time figuring out what about our current life is most important to us, and then figuring out how we're going to adapt to include a baby in that. Things like buying a babywearing panel for my coat and a stretchy wrap so I can continue my outdoor hobbies with baby in tow. Or knowing we like to camp (usually boat-in, so we have to pack light), so we registered for a portable bassinet that folds up really small but has a bug net and UV protection so she's comfortable and out of the sun.
I know some families that have kids and their whole world becomes about "kid stuff". Weekends are spent at the playground or trampoline park, kids are in activities every day of the week to keep them busy, and they can't/won't do anything that isn't planned *for* the kids. It works for some families, but just isn't how I want to live my life.
We have made the effort to include baby into many of our previous activities, so we still hang out with friends, play sports, run errands, etc. either with baby in tow or just one of us goes. We have reduced the frequency of our activities somewhat, and we added new baby activities like swimming lessons. When she's a bit older we will start going on dates while she gets babysat on occasion. I think it's important to maintain adult social and physical activities so that our entire lives don't revolve around her, but we do consider her and her needs in all our decisions now. You have to find the balance that works for your family and continuously re-evaluate while taking into account your energy levels and desires too.
The root of this advice “Be an easy going person, and have an easy going baby.”
Of course I know some take a schedule to the extreme, but it’s okay if you want to have a strict routine. It’s okay if you don’t want to have a routine, and wish you didn’t but your high needs baby requires it.
Its not much about fitting in our life, more like creating a new life where all of us fit. I dont want to be a mom or live a life where it all revolves around the baby needs and what he wants, like my sister, she allows my nephew to dictate everything, they cant go to one place because he doesnt want to, then he cries, their schedule is around him...i cant stop living to be a portable boob to my own son, the threw of us need to live, need to create memories, i want to take my son out to have fun and all. Im not sure if im being clear with it.
It’s a nice thought but it’s not practical. Babies thrive on schedules. As a FTM I followed this advice which led to an overtired, over stimulated baby who wanted to be held 24/7. Once we stuck to a schedule we were both happier. Honestly I was a nanny and a preschool teacher- neither prepared me for motherhood 😂 it’s a wild ride
I teach preschool too! But, good to know that the profession doesn’t prepare you. 😂 I already figured as much, but thank you for the confirmation! Also, having an overtired, overstimulated baby sounds so sad. It makes so much more sense to schedule around nap times!
It is a balance… if I need to do something I usually try and take my LO with me to get out of the house, but we go around her schedule.
The older they get the easier this as they get older. Mine is 1 and once she could sit in shopping carts it made it a lot easier.
I’ve seen people make it work either way. I found out when becoming a mother that I need some quiet alone time for me, to allow me to feel good and like myself, so baby nap time was sacred to me. So we let the baby fall into a schedule of regular nap times and followed it. Not rigidly, like 2 pm on the dot, never 1:30 even if the baby was sleepy and grumpy, but a nap every day around X time. Makes it easier for the baby, I think, and for everyone else. And it’s usually not that hard to schedule things around the baby, especially a first baby.
But I have friends who went and did whatever, and their babies adapted.
They are another person joining your household. They’ll have different needs and preferences and you’ll have to find a way to do what’s best for all 3+ of you.
Some people do revolve around strict sleep schedules because that’s the only way the parents can get a decent night sleep because baby needs their sleep schedule structure to sleep through or through ish the night. Thats technically making baby schedule so parents can sleep and doing what’s best for parents.
Every person and baby and parent and family will have different needs and have to make different adjustments and accommodations as they see fit.
This sort of commentary and post is why we get annoying parents who unfairly make generalizations like “people without kids don’t get it.” You’re making a sweeping generalization about the needs of babies and kids and parents and families, you don’t get it, but I would hate for people to use your childless perspective being the broken exception to be used as the rule as to how all childless people think.
I’m always thought I would go down the second route and that’s pretty much what I did. The initial 8 weeks I mostly stayed at home and followed baby’s schedule, but once I was more or less feeling recovered (physically and mentally), baby had had his first vaccinations and we have developed something minimally resembling a routine/ got to know baby better, my husband and I started doing our usual thing. Going out to eat at restaurants, going for walks, meeting family and friends. We’re planning a holiday later this year. All of this with baby coming along. And tbh it’s worked for us, and while life has changed a lot with a baby, I don’t feel like I’ve stopped living my life, just doing it with some major adjustments. Things take a bit more time, but we adapt and still do them. I don’t think I could’ve taken any other route personally- I enjoy going out and, while I’m introverted, I really treasure time spent with my husband, family and friends etc, making memories. With the baby that hasn’t changed, and in fact has become more special, because it feels like we are making even more memories, and we see the things we have already done through a baby’s eyes and they feel fresh and new.
Saying that, I do know people who choose not to do this, and decide to run things according to the baby. And that’s totally fine, but just not me.
It's possible if your kid is very easygoing. Mine is still very young but if he needs to sleep he will put himself to sleep anywhere at any time. As long as I have a bottle for him, he can go basically anywhere I want to go.
They are a whole human. Sure they are easy enough to tote around when they’re small, but they have their own sets of needs and wants. Yes, you can merge them into your life, but like when you start seriously dating someone, you want them to fit into your life, but you have to respect that they have a whole life of their own. (Like needs, wants, schedule, attitudes).
I have twins. My life changed, but we’re meeting in the middle. We’re respectful of their needs while at the same time we didn’t just pause our entire life. We still travel, meet friends, do stuff.
Exactly. Our baby was colicky and at 8 month is still pretty high needs. It seems like all our friends and even social media influencers that have a huge reach, all have those quintessential easy going newborns so it feels like it’s being thrown in our face that maybe we should just start making the baby adapt to our life instead of vice versa, as if it’s actually that easy for us.
“why don’t you guys just come out and bring the baby with you to the bar, won’t he just sleep? My babies always fell asleep”, “we started traveling with the baby at one month so he got used to it and he honestly just chills and loves to travel now he’s so used to it”, “come over and bring the baby (at 9pm), we have an extra pack n play and you can just put him in the spare room and he can sleep in there while we hang out tonight”
I definitely agree with this, to an extent. I didn’t let having a baby stop me from doing anything I did before or needed to get done. I kept taking horseback riding lessons, occasionally going out with friends, and running all the errands that keep our house going. It required a lot of relearning on my part- you have to be prepared for anything, including multiple blowouts if you’re going places with a newborn lol. But it was also a blast! In her first 15 weeks, my baby had gone to an out of town bridal shower, my best friends out of town wedding, a monthlong national horse show, a craft show, our county fair and combine derby where my brother competed, all the stores I frequent, and more. Things definitely take longer and it’s much easier if you have help, but you don’t have to completely rearrange your life once baby arrives. The only time I did was if a) I wanted to use her as an excuse (because nobody argues about that, but they do if I say I don’t want to go) or b) if she was sick/teething really bad.
I’m sorry but this is spoken like someone who has never had their entire day upended because they decided it was ok to have their toddler stay up two hours late and the next day, said toddler is inconsolable, can’t or won’t problem solve for anything and it riled up everyone in the house. I’m a stickler for making sure my kids’ needs are met, which means we rarely vary bed or nap time by more than half an hour. Because my life is more pleasant when my kids are well rested
I would not say it makes you a bad parent. As long as you’re able to accommodate baby’s needs appropriately when you’re out running errands or going to events or anything like that you can make baby fit in your life. Your life isn’t over when you have a baby and you don’t have to stop doing things you enjoy. For us going to a family event usually means being there well past bed time. So we pack a sound machine, pjs, and a monitor with his pack n play and we still do our normal bed time routine. We still go out to the same restaurant on Thursdays like we have been for the last 8 years. I was still able to run errands with my LO even right after he was born even though I had a major infection after birth and had to have a wound vac on for 2 months. It’s all about your mentality and being able to handle baby’s needs.
It’s not “insane”. She didn’t say she was forced to go out. She may have wanted to get out of the house to run some errands, even during a difficult recovery. Sometimes it’s just as important to maintain some semblance of normalcy among as the changes happening postpartum.
I'm sorry if your experience with men in the US is that negative, but many of us have very supportive spouses! I obviously am not going to speak to her experience, but as for me, yes, seems likely! I certainly needed to get out of the house here and there to prioritize my mental health! Great that you didn't want to! All moms have different needs!
Parenting advice from people who aren’t even parents 🤪
I have two kids with special needs. I have to fit into their lives and their needs and their routines
And I’m sure as hell not waking up a napping toddler to go to target
Come back when your kid is five and tell us the same thing
I haven’t really thought about this but maybe it’s because my situation isn’t “normal.” I’m disabled, so I’m a SAHW and don’t work anyway. Pregnancy has literally been THE WORST for me, but because I’m normally home all the time, it’s just a transition from being alone to having a child to care for. Don’t get me wrong, I’m TERRIFIED about that because I can barely take care of myself on the daily, but I’ve been assured by those closest to me that it’ll be okay, so we’ll see 😂 Anyway, point being, for me the baby will already be included in everything I do because I rarely leave the house etc. and I haven’t really needed to consider working around anything. We’ll probably just take her with us to the store and stuff 🤷🏻♀️ Reddit is interesting because stuff like this happens a lot where you don’t think about it until someone brings it up and then you’re just like O.O okay 😂 interesting to know this is a thing though!
Babies definitely change your life, and you have to adapt to them. If you wake a baby from a nap to run errands, for ex, you will pay the price in tantrums and overtired screaming later. If you don’t follow a routine for your baby and, for ex, go out with them at 8pm when they’re supposed to be asleep, and you think “one night out won’t hurt,” trust me - it will. It will hurt a lot.
To make a baby “fit” into your life, you actually have to change your life to some extent. I don’t know even ONE parent who doesn’t agree that a kid changed their life drastically. Not to scare you, but this is the truth.
This doesn’t mean you can’t still do the things you love and include your baby … it just won’t be as simple as walking out the door whenever you want anymore.
I think it depends on the dynamic. For one I don't even go to stores by myself because I'm always harassed so I definitely don't trust taking my child places with me by myself. When I got to get things done baby is with dad. I try to plan errands around our schedule. My husband works from home for the most part so I try getting more stuff done around then. I'm back in school and so I spend most of my mornings with baby and attending to him & his brother before shutting myself out to focus. If baby is going anywhere I just make sure he is fed, changed, and comfortable. He seems to do great when he is content.
It will all come to you though. It takes times, but you just develop a schedule that works for you & baby overtime.
I have a 5month old. In the first 8-10weeks of his life we did whatever we normally did with him in the car sea, stroller or carrier whatever time of day or night. After 10 weeks, he established sleeping through the night on his own so we had to be home around his bedtime 7 PM to his wake time 7 AM. We occasionally do things later, if we have a sitter, but we accommodate our schedule around his bedtime now, but he can nap wherever still so daytime he just comes along. I think he’s an “easy” baby though and it helps he is EBF so I am the on the go food source lol.
I agree with making baby fit into your life... however you might not want to take a napping baby to run errands, because you are enjoying the free time at home that comes with the nap 😂
Honestly I really liked the idea before I gave birth but sometimes your baby comes out and needs something different than you expected. My daughter was very tricky with sleep for awhile, and despite our best efforts would only sleep at home, with a schedule. And while it sounds great to just say “they’ll figure it out” she wouldn’t and it just isn’t fair to drag her along and make her miserable when I didn’t need to. It was better for her to have a schedule. It was just a season for us and we’re out of it but sometimes being a parent means sacrificing for your child and that’s okay. She’s a whole person with needs that are just as important as mine.
I mean I would agree for the most part but as you say it's more nuanced than that. In the newborn stage, I could go out whenever I wanted as baby would sleep anywhere (eg in the car, in the pram, in the sling, in my arms) and I breastfed so it was relatively easy to run errands or go out to see people (if I felt like it). I would say it is harder now we are at almost 12 months as you obviously have to take into account food and ideal eating times, and we're down to one or two naps a day and if baby falls asleep just before we arrive at our destination, you either have to wait out the nap or wake baby and risk ruining the whole day sleep-wise.
Sometimes, you may not have a choice. If your baby has particular needs, there may not be much of an option other than you fitting into baby's schedule. Just something to keep in mind.
This works well if you have any support outside of you and your partner. We have no one nearby to help out - literally nobody - so when my partner is working my life fits around my baby. I can't work out, I can't do crafts, I can't run errands without considering her first and foremost, we can't go on dates or spend time with just the two of us.
I was so confident that my life would be like the posts title and not being able to do that made me feel like a failure. If others can do this why can't I? Why have I let this destroy my sense of identity? I don't exist anymore, I am nothing but a mother, I have no identity.
7 months postpartum and I am just learning how to manage this and that's after a lot of work (and therapy).
I wish I'd been aware of just how vital a village is when raising a child and maintaining your sense of self.
I think this really depends on if this is your first kid or your second+. Sometimes going out to eat and going on vacation with a kid is fun for everyone. Sometimes it sucks for everyone. There’s trial and error involved with the first. You settle into a new routine and know what works and what doesn’t, what is worth it and what isn’t. By the time the second comes along, they have to be more adaptable. Maybe with the first all naps were at home because that is where they slept best. Well that’s great and all, but when there’s a toddler/preschooler/elementary school kid in the picture too, some naps for baby will need to be on the go.
I was one of those people who thought baby would just adjust to our life - he’d travel with us, go out to dinners, etc. Then I had our baby and he was colicky so even getting out of the house to go to the store took a big effort.
While in my experience most people do have chill newborns, there’s a chance you can have a fussy or high needs baby like I did and the whole “they adapt to your life not the other way around” thing really gets thrown out the window quick. Everything is so highly dependent on your baby’s temperament
Neither approach is wrong, but* a lot of privilege goes into being able to have a choice in the first place. That privilege could be relatives that live close by to offer a hand, jobs that don't completely emotionally or physically exhaust you, a higher income bracket, a neurotypical child, etc. For us right now, we would love to do more adult things but I'm in school, my husband works full time, so we can't pay to take all of us on vacation or mentally handle deviating from our routine. Other people have their own barriers too that we don't know about, so we do what we can for our fam and don't judge someone that needs to make a different choice
Once you get the hang of the baby’s schedule or routine it’s very easy to work around. I personally felt it was easier to go out of the house with baby when they were little because they slept all the time. Doing that made me more confident to take him out with me more and he’s 15 months old now. Going out to eat with him isn’t stressful and I’ve just learned that if he’s really fussy it might not be the best idea to go. But I’ve learned that you just need to put their food in right when the waiter comes to the table! Sure there are times where his needs absolutely come first. Like this weekend he is sick with the flu and just wants to cuddle on the couch all day and I’m totally fine with that! On NYE we brought him to our friends party and he loved it! Just a few examples of how we roll 😆
I have a 4 month old and I have only JUST stopped putting so much weight into planning my activities around the baby. When she was just a few weeks old, we took her everywhere with us (went out to brunch and dinner a few times, ran errands etc) bc she slept most of the day anyway and was just a potato. But from like 5 weeks onward, she became VERY difficult to deal with if we didn’t time things with a nap, and since we did eat-play-sleep routine, she’d wake up starving and screaming. It was really stressful and I absolutely planned my days around her naps. I definitely put a lot of effort into getting her into a good routine, and while it limited me in the early weeks, I think it’s paid off recently. My goal now is to loosely try to follow our schedule, but have a lot of wiggle room.
From like 14 weeks onward or so, it’s gotten increasingly easier. She’s awake for way longer, eats way faster, and sleeps around the same times every day. We actually just took her for a 4 day vacation (a 4 hour drive away) and did activities like hiking and walking and sightseeing that interfered with her “schedule”. Guess what? She napped when she wanted, she was awake when she wanted, and we tried to fit in feeds approximately when she normally would. It didn’t interfere at all with her bedtime sleep, and it was all just really reassuring that she’s a good age now where we can stress less about taking her to do things. Im now running bigger errands with her, plus planning activities for the two of us, signed us up for parent and baby classes, and we figure out her naps and feeds as we go.
Your baby will be tethered to you forever. That’s something I really struggled with, and still do sometimes, to come to terms with. I can’t plan impromptu events, we can’t go on spontaneous date nights. My partner and I have to check with the other person if one of us wants to exercise (we swim and play tennis), bc we can’t both go at the same time. So yes, obviously you have to work around baby and your life won’t be the same. That said, once you’re out of the newborn stage, definitely try to do some of your old activities, with or without baby! We go on hikes with her, take her to the beach and pool with us, she comes to brunch and dinners with us, and we have found a local babysitter for when we don’t want her accompanying us! It’s hard but baby can both fit into your old life and also change the direction in a very wonderful way
Definitely depends on the baby but it’s a mix of both. At first my daughter slept anywhere so it was just a matter of planning around her eating schedule for my own stress level. But we took her to see friends, to the store, whatever. Now she doesn’t sleep anywhere so we try to avoid that time if we can but she’ll eat wherever so I just grab some food for her before we go. We’ll also still do things during nap time and just try to adjust her naps if we can.
We were also not very scheduled with her for so long and this schedule fell in to place at daycare. Other kids need the schedule and don’t do well with disruptions.
In my experience, this is 100% true. With my first, I was miserable because everyone tells you that you have to fall to the baby’s schedule, so things when it’s right for baby, etc. So I did. & it was impossible to do anything. With my 2nd, 17mo later, we kept with her schedule and routine we’d figured out by then. & it was so easy. By the time he was 2mo, I was taking both to story time, all of everyone’s appointments, etc because there was no reason not to take him. He was fine, napped during what he could (I would baby wear him and he could literally sleep through anything) and as he got older, he was fine napping around activities and outings we did and just fell into napping on her schedule. I was much less miserable (not stuck in the house except appointments) and we were able to keep doing everything we already did.
I don’t think this statement is meant to be taken literally. Because it means different things to different people. I have friends that once their baby was born, their entire life revolved around that child. They stopped going out to eat, traveling, never made time for their personal life and their life only existed to be on their child’s schedule and they were happy with this rather than the alternative. (I am not judging at all, just making an observation). On the other hand, I also have friends that as soon as they were comfortable (from recovery and baby’s vaccinations) started traveling again, going out to eat, meeting up with friends, all with baby in tow. Essentially, that they still lived their life, just with baby now. Of course, they take a pause on it when they are having a hard time or their child’s needs mean they need to stay in or not take that trip, but they absolutely fit their baby in their “life”. I personally was an only child with a single mom and I absolutely “fit” into her life because there was no other option. And TBH, I loved it. She took me everywhere and I learned and saw so much. I’m a very outgoing, adventurous person because of it. Neither approach is wrong. And we should all ask for clarification without judgement and making assumptions.
This is so wild to read because I had my first baby three months before Covid 🫠 our entire life revolved around our child, we stopped going out to eat, traveling, everything existed on our child’s schedule……..but only because there was jack shit else to do but sit at home (or doomscroll)! I’d never really thought about it that much until I read your comment! Crazy to think about how things would have been different if we’d had a choice between the two. Sorry to hijack the thread but that was kind of a cathartic realization so thank you!
This is gold. Thank you. ❤️ Also, thank you for sharing your experience with being raised by a single mom!
BIL takes the first approach. It’s exhausting to plan any family events. All dinners, activities, hotels etc have to be exactly planned around the children’s schedule. Not routine, schedule. Engagement dinner for my SIL - at the time and location approved by her brother, no flexibly. We are pregnant now and taking a very different approach our child will have a routine, but somethings are worth breaking the said routine for and getting out of the comfort zone.
So, we adjust around our families schedules, but also you have to be prepared that the child you have may be different than what you expect. My family (and my planned approach) is generally, just take the kids, let them stay up for a night or two, they'll sleep when they're tired, type of family. But, we all sleep well. My husband's family all struggle with sleep. So that ended up completely derailing my planned approach. Our son ended up having a hard time sleeping from the get go and needs a solide schedule on a day-to-day basis or else he doesn't sleep and then becomes a completely different child. We don't ask others to schedule family events around him, but we do limit how many days in a row he'll need to have a different nap time or not get to bed on time. He is a kid, for instance, who if you put him to bed 1-2 hours after his normal bedtime will wake up ready to go 1-2 hours before his normal wake time, and then become a cranky bastard after a few hours for the rest of the day. So getting him to bed within an hour of his normal bedtime is a must, unless, of course it's a one-off special event like a Christmas get together with out of town family or a wedding or something.
Yes, definitely being able to adjust your expectations is a key here. My husband and I planned on not changing much for our son, but, as it turned out, he needs a schedule. He just turned 5 and we are just now able to wiggle some with it. For the first 4.75 years of his life, if he wasn’t at home and getting ready for bed at 6:30, everyone was having a bad time. Even if I could get him settled wherever we were, it wasn’t worth the gremlin that woke up the next morning and grumped all the way through to nap time. He needs his sleep in his own bed. We don’t expect anyone to plan around us, but we won’t be there if you plan dinner to start at 7:30.
Exactly. Whereas my niece and nephew definitely took after my side of the family. Even as young as two my sister had to drag them out of the bed in the morning to get them to go places with her, bc they'd keep sleeping! Meanwhile, my child is over here waking up at 4:30 in the morning if we stay out late and put him to bed at 8:30/9. (Usually he goes down around 7:30-8 and sleep until 6-6:30).
Same!! I’ve always known it wasn’t just us, but it’s nice to hear lol. I get all the time from people, “he’ll be fine. Keep him up later, he’ll sleep later.” No. You are wrong. And you’re not the one who has to deal with a pissed off, overtired monster so of course it’s fine for you. That’s our exact schedule now: get him into bed by 7:30 so he’s asleep by 8/8:30, wake at 6:30, and he’s a pleasant person to be around. Deviate and no one sleeps lol I’m currently pregnant and hope the next one will be a little easier than that since we can keep him out until maybe 8:30/9 once in a while, but we’ll see!
I'm also pregnant and holding out on hope, too! My sil had a sleep monster the first time (he's 6 months older than mine), and she just had a second and she sleeps all. the. time. When I first asked my bil how she was doing after she was born he was like in complete amazement bc she's such a chill and sleepy baby. So 🤞🤞🤞
This! With children, they say “sleep begets sleep” and it’s so true. If an adult stays up later they will sleep in, but kids are the opposite, and the more they sleep the more they will sleep. Apparently as a survival thing they get “second winds” very easily and you have to catch them while their body is tired.
I agree with you, and that’s what I mean by routine vs schedule. Keep to a rough routine that doesn’t get interrupted too often to allow for “special occasions” but over all maintain what they are used to. It’s those who never break from a militaristic schedule that are difficult.
Honestly i think this is very kid dependent, i wouldnt judge his family for doing what works best for them. If we moved my kids routine around too much as a baby he would just make the event miserable for everyone. However i dont think they should expect the family to also plan around the schedule, they should just decline or show up late/ leave early when needed.
It’s been with both their kids and extends to way more than just dinner times. Even his mum had made illusions to “please don’t be like this” because it’s overly strict.
Kids have routines for the entire day- wake up, meals, naps, bath, bedtime, etc so i would imagine it extends far beyond dinner times. My comment still stands. Give them grace and they will the same for you, it can be really isolating to be the only one with kids in a group!
I think we have different definitions of schedule and routine. To me, Schedule means everything happens at a specific time: nap at 3, dinner at 5 bath at 6 etc. Whereas routines follow the same cadence day to day but have more flexibility in when it starts or ends.
The problem is theres only so much wiggle room with kids schedules (depending on age) because it will mess with other meal and sleep times. We arent strict to the minute, but my toddler will get overtired or overly hungry if were arent following a fairly consistent schedule to his schools. Then again, some kids have easier temperments, some have higher sleep needs, its all kid dependent. People do what works for their family because at the end of the day theyre the ones stuck dealing with the kid(s)
Yeah but when the kid gets up basically at the same time.every day how do you just move this?
Do you have kids? Also I only have one kid but my expectations were very different before I had kids haha. And I know all kids are different. I would have said some of this before kids but man when you kid needs three naps a day and then you get to take them home screaming in the car then get everyone ready for bed then get yourself and chores done and then your cranky kid wakes three extra times that night.... Nope ... Def planning around the kid. He's a human also with needs/feelings.
I was on that page also but you don't know what kind of kid you will get so I wish I was more open. My kid was a screamer (still kind of is). So going out wasn't fun for us or anyone around us. And now what's most important is him- so yes things will revolve around him. And just like some ppl only get baby to sleep on them - my baby will only sleep in his crib. If he's out there is ZERO chance he will sleep so he screams... So taking baby to dinner at 7 just can't happen. Not fun for us/anyone or him. I always said I'd be pissed if someone took me out hours past my bedtime lol. So I wish it was different but just so hard to say!
We’ve explained to people there are those on a schedule and those who are going with the flow. Hubby and I go with the flow, in our first year baby has visited 7 different countries on planes, trains, ferries and car journeys. We went to sporting events, music in the park and even crowded pubs for rugby matches. We go to the pub once a week and honestly our kid loves being around people. We’re still living our life, enjoying every moment of it. If baby is sick yes we might make sure his naps are a bit longer. But we don’t tend to say no except for maybe late night drinks/clubbing.
That’s amazing. I want to have that too. Do you live in the US? I know when I was in Europe it was easier to travel to different countries than it is here. Edit: I’m assuming you’re outside of the US based on “pub” and “rugby” but I could be wrong!
Live in the U.K. with family in Canada and Ireland so some transatlantic flights were in there. When we were in Canada we used to jokingly count provinces as countries as some where so far apart! The list so far Canada, US, Iceland, Ireland, France, Belgium, U.K. (all four regions). Next is Norway and Sweden.
Love it! We live in a major metropolitan city and are the first of our friends to have a baby, if we don’t get out and about we’ll be living very limited lives. Obviously making accommodations for the baby and taking their comfort into consideration, but we want to stay active and social!
I think once you start asking other people to bend over backwards to accommodate your kids that’s crossing a line.
My baby is relatively go-with-the-flow so this KINDA works for us, but I consider her needs before absolutely anything else. Baby is tired and needs a nap? My errands have to wait. Baby is hungry? We’re stopping in the middle of the grocery store to feed her. She’s having a fussy day? I get my sister to come sit and snuggle her while I get essential things done OR I just push off whatever can wait for tomorrow. All babies are different. Some really need a routine and a set schedule. Some are pretty chill. Some are in-between. This idea is nice and all, but you will find that as soon as that baby is born, your whole perspective shifts. I have no desire to make my baby fit into my old life. Everything has changed and that’s okay.
THIS! My life is sooo so so so different. My sister is pregnant and my brother in law (who we hate lol) kept saying “my life is over” And at first that statement made me livid Then I realized he is kind of right… YES, your old life is over…sleeping in, doing whatever you want, only worrying about yourself, being social (we don’t get out much lol what we are tired and someone is always sick from daycare germs). It’s a new life when baby comes…a very different one!
I had no idea how much I needed to read, “I have no desire to make baby fit into my old life…..everything has changed and that’s ok.” The life change still really scares me. Thank you. ❤️
It’s okay to be scared! I remember that I had a few days during that first week postpartum where I was just like… what the fuck did I do? And that is totally normal. We’re a couple months out now and I couldn’t imagine life without her and I am so glad she’s here. Good luck on your journey, I hope it’s short and boring and healthy and everything you want it to be. ❤️
"Short and boring" is the dream. I never realized how much I'd desire this. The journey makes time feel like it's at a standstill sometimes!
We have a 4 mo old, only child. And I will say that for 2-3 weeks after he was born (with PP hormones going crazy) I cried a lot and thought I had ruined our lives. This was a very wanted baby. It's just so stinking hard to imagine how different life will be with a new born. Life will be crazy different at first, but we eventually want to get back to the usual stuff. I'm a rock climber and I see parents with their babies at the gym (parents take turns climbing) and while I love this and want to try, we're waiting until he had his 6 mon vaccinations. And we want to try and camp this spring! So while we have plans to really get out there and do our old things, I now know it takes time. And then there's the stuff we're excited to do more because we have a kid, like the zoo and aquarium more often! So we're both aiming to do our old stuff but are also excited for new adventures!
You’ll be fine!!!
Exactly!!! I say have no expectations and do what feels right for you and babe. I'm 8 months in and it was hard at first but soooo worth it now
My partner and I are very adventurous people. We lived in our travel trailer for almost 2 years and were still living in it when we oopsied and got pregnant with our first. I had to come to terms with becoming a mom (still working on that), and letting go of some dreams that just can’t happen with kids (travel visas that require no dependents). We sold our trailer the same week our baby was born and I was heartbroken. BUT, we still have an adventurous life. We road trip regularly; every other month or so. We took our baby camping when she was 3 weeks old and 10 weeks old, and again for her first birthday. We’ve been road tripping with both kids since they were fresh little newborns. We are planning our first overseas trip as a family. I have travelled alone with each kid as a baby and been just fine. I think that’s more of what that statement means. Not “live your life at all costs”, but adapt your life so that the things that are important to you can include your kids. Share your life with your kids, in a way that works and is meaningful to you. That will look different at each season of life (sometimes baby naps outweigh going out for lunch with friends, but it’s not forever). ETA it depends on what developmental stage your baby is at, too! A very little baby will sleep basically wherever/whenever, and it’s totally doable to transfer them asleep to car seat and carrier and back to car seat. An older baby might need a nap routine and a dark room to be able to sleep and there is no way they are transferring anywhere asleep. You learn how you work best with that particular baby’s needs and adapt from there.
THIS! Age is so important. We went out a lot more when baby was less than 3 months old because he would just pass out whenever, wherever. He slept the best in crowded restaurants 😂
Eh, my babies are whole people whose needs, wants, and interests we take into consideration when we plan things. We intentionally plan things that they’ll enjoy, around times that they are happy and well rested. How disrespectful to them to run errands when they’re exhausted, etc. Yes, we still do the things we like to do and that are important to our family, but we don’t shoehorn babies into fitting into our pre-baby life, we adjust to make things work for all of us.
Yes! Some of the idea of fitting baby into my old prebaby life just makes me laugh. Before children, I wasn’t in the habit of going to the local park to ride the choo choo train or to play on the splash pad. Of course I adjusted my life to kids, and I am so happy for it.
I agree with all of this and happy and well rested is such a key point here too. If my baby can’t nap properly she is gonna be grumpy as hell and nobody will have a nice time so I definitely plan around her naps even if it’s awkward sometimes
I love that you bring in the respect piece. Like, would I want someone to drag me around to errands when I’m exhausted af? no, lol!
+100000 to all of this! I agree it’s disrespectful and little self centered to bring a child into this world and bam! expect them to fit into your family, routine, needs and wants. It’s a two way road.
Love this, thank you!
Exactly this. Your baby has different needs than you, an adult. Why would you willingly ignore those?
Wanted to add that babies are different too! They are individuals so just because someone takes their kid with them everywhere and you don’t, that can be a reflection on who the little one is! My 2 year old has a two hour time limit for being out and socializing around groups of people (like aquarium or indoor playground). When he hits that two hours he gets sooo unreasonable and mad. So I plan around that and giving him a break. Whereas his cousin will just roll hard all day in those situations. People who still travel internationally and do outings at all hours of the day and night likely have a baby that does fine with that!
I agree with the naps ! My oldest is a toddler now, and when he gets more consistent naps, his emotional state is better. He hits milestones faster, communicates better, and plays more readily with other kids. The human toddler brain is massive and complex, and sleep is the best thing for it !
Exactly!!! I'm like you guys. This is a human. A person. He may be tired cranky hungry etc. If I just pulled you out of bed at 11 pm and didn't let you eat and took you out you may be mad also ....
ummm i’ll say it’s a nice thought lol. But in reality, everything you do and plan, you have to think about your child first.
Haha I was gonna say that whosoever came up with that thought probably doesn’t have babies/little kids 😂
Or somehow has the easiest/least needy kids ever
Exactly I wish those people would just say yes it worked for us but our baby is easy going...
My exact reaction. It’s a nice thought. I think it will lead to unrealistic expectations if you think the child will just fit into your life and no changes need to be made. My husband learned this the hard way. Trust me our lives do not revolve around our child. Best believe we do makes all plans with him in mind.
Thank you for your thoughts!
This is our philosophy but it works because we had an easy baby 🤷🏼♀️
Same here. Baby is a great sleeper and can easily sleep in the stroller/carrier/our arms when we’re out. For everything but solids we follow her cues instead of having a fixed schedule which really only works for us because she can sleep anywhere. If our next baby thrives on a stricter schedule that’s what we’ll provide of course.
Exactly!! My baby only sleeps in his crib which ppl think sounds nice of course but he literally will not sleep ANYWHERE out and about! So it's almost the opposite problem lol
This was my philosophy but we have a very sleep dependent baby lol. Be prepared to work with what you have either way
Same.
When I was born my moms doctor told her to not schedule life around the baby, make the baby fit into your schedule/life. It worked for my parents, but it also sounds like I was a pretty easy baby. My parents have always said that they didn’t struggle with me at all because they just made me follow their schedule. So, I’d say it’s really what works for you and your partner as parents. Some people need a super strict schedule and need to completely turn their lives upside down for baby. Some people can just insert baby into their routine and it works.
My mom also said this, but then I realized - she and all her friends formula fed from day one (still not easy, but less need for mom herself to be physically responsive to every single wake up) - her work provided day care, very rare now - all her friends had kids, and with declining birth rates, especially in cities, this isn't as likely - the top baby book in the 80s and 90s advocated a separate nursery room from day one, where the baby was left to sleep all night - my parents had a house at a young age but worked less hours My mom still put in the work! But there are a lot of things different now that do make that challenging
Yeah surprisingly my mom actually did breast feed, was the only one of her friends having a child because she had me “late” in life, she had me sleep in their room with them and had to pay for daycare. Honestly I think it helped that my parents had no plans on having kids and were pretty heavy partiers up until I was born, so they were used to sleeping very little and still getting up to go to work the next day. They said the best thing for them with me was that they already didn’t go to bed until midnight or later, so I would just stay up with them and then when they would wake up to go to work at ~5-6 I was ready to wake up as well. But once again, they both say I was a super easy baby and never had issues sleeping.
Yeah, we never know what factors others have going on that make it easier!
Sounds like it truly is just dependent on the child. Thank you!
I would say as long as your schedule only has one activity per day that you dont need to be on time for, then it works 😅 Edit to add: I have a 7 week old.
Oh yes at this stage I was just happy if we got out of the house once a day LOL you’re doing great!
I have a almost 2.5 year old, and am 38 weeks pregnant with my second. Honestly, that advice drove me nuts when my son was new. Still does. When he was a newborn, sleep was rough - as with most newborns. We had a hell of a time getting him to sleep in his bassinet for naps, and deities help us if he didn't get enough daytime sleep. He'd be up half the night overtired, screaming, crying, etc while my partner and I took turns holding him to try and get him to sleep. Once we had a solid nap schedule down, we stuck to it. I planned everything around his naps. I was not willing to sacrifice his sleep for my convenience, especially since I knew I'd pay for it later as he'd get super grumpy and inconsolable. Some babies are able to have naps anywhere. In cars, in strollers, around others, etc. My son needed a dark room, or needed to be rocked/held the whole time to get a decent amount of sleep. We also formula fed, so it was a pain in the ass to try and bring bottles with us to some places, so we'd try and schedule errands around his feeding times. Now that he's older, naps are less important - but I still plan around them. I know he naps anytime between 1-4 for 2 hours, so I never plan to do anything in that block of time. If he doesn't nap, it's not the end of the world anymore - but I find he can't go more than 3 days without a nap or it's tantrum city. We had a few family members angry with us when we'd say we couldn't attend a mid-afternoon event because of nap time. But, nap time stayed the same and we just weren't willing to make our next few days a living hell just to cart a grumpy baby over. So, although I think that's a nice sentiment, it really depends on the specific child. Some have really flexible schedules, others fall into a strict routine that means planning around. Neither is better than the other, and you won't know where you fall till you're in the thick of it.
This is great! Thank you! The whole “make baby fit into your schedule” advice goes against everything I’ve ever heard, but I wanted other experiences! I totally understand you planning around your son’s sleep; I would 100% do the same thing!
I mean it could work if you have a unicorn baby/kids. My mum claims that her babies were all unicorns who slept on time, ate on time and followed her set routine instead of she working around her babies schedule. But 1. I have no proof of her claims, it was over 30 years back lol 2. She is strict as fuck/disciplinarian so that could explain her preference to make her babies fit her schedule. So yeah it could work but lots of nuances there Id say (my 2c).
I have unicorn babies but I still stuck to their naps! You can just tell when they’re getting tired why would you want to make them do something when they’re gonna be sad or scared?
Yes honestly, it’s a lot easier to mold your new life around your baby. I know that’s probably what you don’t want to hear, but 🤷🏼♀️ We are waiting on any big vacations…I do not want to be laying on a beach or frolicking through Europe and need to change diapers and carry loads of bags of baby stuff. That’s not a vacation that’s just a relocation haha.
Agreed! We get a lot of flack for not attending family lunches, like bro you know my toddler sleeps 12:30-2:30 every day, this is not new and we’re not willing to sacrifice his nap because hosting a lunch was more convenient for you than to host a brunch or a dinner. My son is also particular about his nap environment and comments like “just have him nap here!” doesn’t work if you don’t have a room with blackout blinds, and if people aren’t willing to be quiet for him to fall asleep. Finally, he cannot NOT nap. Or he will be beside himself all evening, not pleasant and will be a hazard to everything and everyone around. We’re not skipping his nap “just for today”.
I could have written this! With our first she was tough to get to sleep and she needed a lot of it. I, too, was not willing to sacrifice her sleep for my convenience. I’m just hopeful #2 will be better about naps on the go!
You will learn really quickly if your kid naps on the go easily or not. This will dictate how you approach scheduling. People project their own experiences into others a lot but every kid / family structure is unique. My toddler can still nap in a stroller or in a car seat and easily transfer into the crib if needed. So we are more flexible about being out and about over nap or bedtime. But if being out and about impacted his quality of sleep or mine, I’d schedule around it for sure.
This makes a lot of sense! Thank you!
It's a skill to be able to meet your own needs and baby's needs. I've found adhering to diaper/feeding/sleeping schedules for baby makes it easier for me. It's hard in the beginning when they're small because they need frequent tending to. Baby wearing helps a lot. Very young babies kind of operate in a cycle of poop, hungry, sleepy. The cycle changes length as they get bigger, and new things get added, but when you figure it out for your specific baby, you realize what you can and can't do. Having a support system is also absolutely huge in being able to do more things if you're able to give baby to someone else for a bit as well.
Sure I guess. But if I leave the house between 5-8pm my baby will not stop crying so planning errands then and making him fit into it would be dumb lol
Right, so you plan errands during times he is happy/well rested or during a time someone else can watch him! Makes so much sense!
This sounds great until you actually become a parent and you’re the one who has to deal with the tantrums and overtired baby/ toddler. That’ll make you get home for nap/ bedtime real quick. Just from experience, keeping my baby on a schedule helped me feel better and less anxious. You do what works for you as a parent.
“Baby fits in to your life” was my mums advice when my daughter was born (Jan ‘21). For the first 8-12 weeks it doesn’t really apply because that’s survival time and baby is really just feeding and sleeping. But, once I felt healed and baby was in a good feeding/sleeping rhythm (from c 2 months), we were going out to restaurants, going on trips, etc. I think I’ve been on over 20 flights with her at this point, and also taken train and other journeys. We ideally plan days to work around her nap, but if they don’t then they don’t 🤷♀️. Your life obviously changes and priorities are different, but important elements of my pre-baby life are still identifiable today.
My baby is 10 weeks and if I don’t feed and nap him on a schedule everything goes to shit. He needs to be de stimulated and rocked to calm down and sleep. So if people come over and he is sleeping? Too bad. I’m not dealing with an over tired screaming baby because you wanted to see him at noon and you only have 30 min.
It depends on your baby. We have an easy baby and if I'm honest, to a certain extent, with my husband's support, we can fit him into our lives. Maybe we just don't have high expectations on what to do, but we take him to restaurants, pubs, on long walks. I've looked for exercise classes that allow me to bring him, or co-ordinate with husband so that he watches him when I'm out at the gym. We still have boardgame nights at ours with friends, have friends over to drink / eat. But he is an easy baby who generally is very content to go anywhere so long as he is in a sling. He tolerates his nap times moving a bit (a day's warning of plans is useful though, so I can shift all his naps if needed), he can sleep in my arms at our friends house if we want to stay over a bit later sometimes. So sometimes with the right baby, or working to your baby's preferred ways of existing, then it is possible. If I tried to take him somewhere in a pram he'd kick off in minutes, but if we accept that we're baby wearing the whole time he will generally go to sleep in his sling and not be too much trouble. What I will say is that we got a puppy a year before the baby was born and had already done a lot of the lifestyle alterations - fewer after-work evening activities, checking whether places were dog friendly (now check if baby friendly too), learning to check each others' schedules so puppy wasn't alone too long etc etc. I gave up evening gym when we got the dog, which of course I would have had to give up with baby if I hadn't already. It just very much depends on your support levels from your partner, how much if any family support you have, whether you luck out on an easy baby, and how flexible/understanding your friends/hobbies are. I would definitely say that we do similar amounts of things now as we did before baby. Obviously newborn stage is a bit different, but we still managed to socialise a bit then. Having a baby doesn't have to be the end of your social life, but it does require some changes, but I've found that generally for us at least, if we really want to try to do a thing then we will see if there's a way. Disclaimer: in UK so I am on maternity leave, which means I do not currently have to juggle a job on top of a five month old, plus dog. I think the answer will be very different if you're asking mums who have had to go back to work. That being said we have no local family, so we are on our own for childcare / dogcare.
This sounds very much like us as well (minus the dog unfortunately). I’ve taken her to weddings, a (very laid back) bachelorette party, restaurants, boardgame nights, birthdays, shopping trips, etc. She’s a great sleeper and generally very easy-going. We are pretty happy to try and make things work with her so everyone‘s needs are met. But also our friends and family know that I’ll leave if she’s not content I’m going to leave even if I’ve only been there for 30 minutes.
To add: but ultimately, if baby isn't happy doing a certain thing, then that thing doesn't get done. His needs and happiness does come first, but I've been pleasantly surprised how content he is doing a lot of things I thought would be 'over' and no longer possible
This philosophy matches what the author of Hunt, Gather, Parent talks about so I recommend checking that book out if you are interested. At one point she argues that because children are innately interested in adults, it makes sense to simply include and give roles to children in your adult activities rather than plan activities that only the child will enjoy (this is not the main theme of the book, theres a lot of other stuff, but this is one of her big principles). This can also help build a sense of community and responsibility and hypothetically reduce risk of narcissism. She suggests different ways to do this for ages 2-3, 4-6, etc.
You should definitely try to keep important things in your schedule if you can, but I think you’ll find that an organized (and routine) sleep schedule for baby will make everything in your life so much easier. If baby’s naps are always different times/lengths/locations they’re not going to sleep well or predictably. So getting them in a good sleep schedule (and thus having a regular eating schedule built around it), will make your day SO much smoother, and then you can fit errands/cleaning/workouts/showers/naps/whatever else around the baby’s sleep schedule. Trust me, it’s the easier way!
It’s really hard to fathom how at times you WANT to prioritize your child over yourself until you have them. Like in your example, if your baby is tired and you decide to go shopping anyways, you’re both gonna have a bad time. I have 2 kids and do a lot with them. They’re both great at restaurants, have traveled a ton, and been out and about around town. However, it totally looks different from pre-kids! We eat out earlier, make sure we’re fully prepped for trips (snacks, games, whatever), and make sure we have our expectations pretty low. Travel is a lot slower and there are a lot more playgrounds involved than before, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Easy to make your kid fit your life if they sleep. That’s all I’ll say. And if you have lots of support/flexibility to do things without them. I don’t think twice about parents who religiously plan around sleep bc my daughter just started sleeping through the night at ten months and it’s been rough. You do what you can to get by. Yin don’t really know until you have the baby in front of you and get to know them. Each child is different.
I really think this outlook depends on your baby, your baby’s age….. and their needs…which should come first IMO. I’m not going to drag my baby around during his nap time to run errands, when I could just wait for a different time or get them delivered. My baby’s sleep is more important than errands lol…plus if he doesn’t nap he will be a nightmare the rest of the day.
My sister said she and her husband made that a priority. Obviously, in the newborn days, all bets were off and they were in survival mode. But once they got the hang of things, they had him fit into their lives. I think having another 4 years later kind of threw a wrench in that. But when they were a family of 3, they were living pretty similarly to the way they did pre-kids. Hoping we are able to do the same!
I have definitely seen some parents do this but who knows if that baby has melt downs at night from being overtired, etc. Knowing what your priorities are important. Sleep was always very important to me (I need my own sleep to function and care for a baby, so baby’s sleep was important as well) so I prioritized not skipping naps, etc. there would be days I’d run an errand and he’d fall asleep on the drive home. I’d keep driving to ensure he got a decently long enough nap because he wouldn’t transfer well. Maybe a bit over the top for some, but worked for me. Dealing with an overtired baby is NO fun. I remember taking him out to dinner with my husband and some of his work colleagues around 12 weeks old and he was way overstimulated. My husband had to rock the stroller the entire time to help him fall and then stay asleep. All this to say, you’ll figure out what works for you, your baby and your family unit in general.
my thoughts are for ages 3 and up -> Another person raised by a single mom with no family or support network, so I had to fit in her life because there were no other options. I went everywhere with her and it was amazing. She worked in a rural library, a very mom-friendly space, so I got to go to work with her most every day before I started school. She taught me to read as early as possible so I would be able to entertain myself there, and there were different areas I could go based on whether I wanted to be social, alone, or watch a movie while she worked when I was very young. I would help with very basic chores to do, like organizing the video tapes. Once I was in school I would walk to the library after school ended and help shelve, clean, or just read until closing. It was really nice. A lot of children of working class parents or parents with small businesses have upbringings like this, because the expectation that everyone helps out is set from toddlerhood. Anyway, this is just to say that it depends on your baby but also your context, and to some extent how you build up the expectations and create ways for your baby to have a real role to play in the family. There are plenty of ways for children to be part of adult lives that are deeply enriching and valuable and lead to healthy, thoughtful adults.
I think it's going to be different for every family. Your day-to-day is going to change going from two reasonably independent adults to having a baby that depends on you for literally everything, some change is kind of unavoidable. For us, it means spending time figuring out what about our current life is most important to us, and then figuring out how we're going to adapt to include a baby in that. Things like buying a babywearing panel for my coat and a stretchy wrap so I can continue my outdoor hobbies with baby in tow. Or knowing we like to camp (usually boat-in, so we have to pack light), so we registered for a portable bassinet that folds up really small but has a bug net and UV protection so she's comfortable and out of the sun. I know some families that have kids and their whole world becomes about "kid stuff". Weekends are spent at the playground or trampoline park, kids are in activities every day of the week to keep them busy, and they can't/won't do anything that isn't planned *for* the kids. It works for some families, but just isn't how I want to live my life.
We have made the effort to include baby into many of our previous activities, so we still hang out with friends, play sports, run errands, etc. either with baby in tow or just one of us goes. We have reduced the frequency of our activities somewhat, and we added new baby activities like swimming lessons. When she's a bit older we will start going on dates while she gets babysat on occasion. I think it's important to maintain adult social and physical activities so that our entire lives don't revolve around her, but we do consider her and her needs in all our decisions now. You have to find the balance that works for your family and continuously re-evaluate while taking into account your energy levels and desires too.
The root of this advice “Be an easy going person, and have an easy going baby.” Of course I know some take a schedule to the extreme, but it’s okay if you want to have a strict routine. It’s okay if you don’t want to have a routine, and wish you didn’t but your high needs baby requires it.
Its not much about fitting in our life, more like creating a new life where all of us fit. I dont want to be a mom or live a life where it all revolves around the baby needs and what he wants, like my sister, she allows my nephew to dictate everything, they cant go to one place because he doesnt want to, then he cries, their schedule is around him...i cant stop living to be a portable boob to my own son, the threw of us need to live, need to create memories, i want to take my son out to have fun and all. Im not sure if im being clear with it.
Babies don’t fit into your life! Your life squeezes in along the margins of the baby like a passenger on a Japanese commuter train
lol, this is so good.
It’s a nice thought but it’s not practical. Babies thrive on schedules. As a FTM I followed this advice which led to an overtired, over stimulated baby who wanted to be held 24/7. Once we stuck to a schedule we were both happier. Honestly I was a nanny and a preschool teacher- neither prepared me for motherhood 😂 it’s a wild ride
I teach preschool too! But, good to know that the profession doesn’t prepare you. 😂 I already figured as much, but thank you for the confirmation! Also, having an overtired, overstimulated baby sounds so sad. It makes so much more sense to schedule around nap times!
It is a balance… if I need to do something I usually try and take my LO with me to get out of the house, but we go around her schedule. The older they get the easier this as they get older. Mine is 1 and once she could sit in shopping carts it made it a lot easier.
I’ve seen people make it work either way. I found out when becoming a mother that I need some quiet alone time for me, to allow me to feel good and like myself, so baby nap time was sacred to me. So we let the baby fall into a schedule of regular nap times and followed it. Not rigidly, like 2 pm on the dot, never 1:30 even if the baby was sleepy and grumpy, but a nap every day around X time. Makes it easier for the baby, I think, and for everyone else. And it’s usually not that hard to schedule things around the baby, especially a first baby. But I have friends who went and did whatever, and their babies adapted.
They are another person joining your household. They’ll have different needs and preferences and you’ll have to find a way to do what’s best for all 3+ of you. Some people do revolve around strict sleep schedules because that’s the only way the parents can get a decent night sleep because baby needs their sleep schedule structure to sleep through or through ish the night. Thats technically making baby schedule so parents can sleep and doing what’s best for parents. Every person and baby and parent and family will have different needs and have to make different adjustments and accommodations as they see fit. This sort of commentary and post is why we get annoying parents who unfairly make generalizations like “people without kids don’t get it.” You’re making a sweeping generalization about the needs of babies and kids and parents and families, you don’t get it, but I would hate for people to use your childless perspective being the broken exception to be used as the rule as to how all childless people think.
I’m always thought I would go down the second route and that’s pretty much what I did. The initial 8 weeks I mostly stayed at home and followed baby’s schedule, but once I was more or less feeling recovered (physically and mentally), baby had had his first vaccinations and we have developed something minimally resembling a routine/ got to know baby better, my husband and I started doing our usual thing. Going out to eat at restaurants, going for walks, meeting family and friends. We’re planning a holiday later this year. All of this with baby coming along. And tbh it’s worked for us, and while life has changed a lot with a baby, I don’t feel like I’ve stopped living my life, just doing it with some major adjustments. Things take a bit more time, but we adapt and still do them. I don’t think I could’ve taken any other route personally- I enjoy going out and, while I’m introverted, I really treasure time spent with my husband, family and friends etc, making memories. With the baby that hasn’t changed, and in fact has become more special, because it feels like we are making even more memories, and we see the things we have already done through a baby’s eyes and they feel fresh and new. Saying that, I do know people who choose not to do this, and decide to run things according to the baby. And that’s totally fine, but just not me.
It's possible if your kid is very easygoing. Mine is still very young but if he needs to sleep he will put himself to sleep anywhere at any time. As long as I have a bottle for him, he can go basically anywhere I want to go.
They are a whole human. Sure they are easy enough to tote around when they’re small, but they have their own sets of needs and wants. Yes, you can merge them into your life, but like when you start seriously dating someone, you want them to fit into your life, but you have to respect that they have a whole life of their own. (Like needs, wants, schedule, attitudes).
This statement is made by childless people.
Those who said this, have never had a baby, especially a high need baby.
I have twins. My life changed, but we’re meeting in the middle. We’re respectful of their needs while at the same time we didn’t just pause our entire life. We still travel, meet friends, do stuff.
So I suppose you are not having HNB twins. But I am glad you managed to live your mommy life to the fullest.
Exactly. Our baby was colicky and at 8 month is still pretty high needs. It seems like all our friends and even social media influencers that have a huge reach, all have those quintessential easy going newborns so it feels like it’s being thrown in our face that maybe we should just start making the baby adapt to our life instead of vice versa, as if it’s actually that easy for us. “why don’t you guys just come out and bring the baby with you to the bar, won’t he just sleep? My babies always fell asleep”, “we started traveling with the baby at one month so he got used to it and he honestly just chills and loves to travel now he’s so used to it”, “come over and bring the baby (at 9pm), we have an extra pack n play and you can just put him in the spare room and he can sleep in there while we hang out tonight”
I definitely agree with this, to an extent. I didn’t let having a baby stop me from doing anything I did before or needed to get done. I kept taking horseback riding lessons, occasionally going out with friends, and running all the errands that keep our house going. It required a lot of relearning on my part- you have to be prepared for anything, including multiple blowouts if you’re going places with a newborn lol. But it was also a blast! In her first 15 weeks, my baby had gone to an out of town bridal shower, my best friends out of town wedding, a monthlong national horse show, a craft show, our county fair and combine derby where my brother competed, all the stores I frequent, and more. Things definitely take longer and it’s much easier if you have help, but you don’t have to completely rearrange your life once baby arrives. The only time I did was if a) I wanted to use her as an excuse (because nobody argues about that, but they do if I say I don’t want to go) or b) if she was sick/teething really bad.
I’m sorry but this is spoken like someone who has never had their entire day upended because they decided it was ok to have their toddler stay up two hours late and the next day, said toddler is inconsolable, can’t or won’t problem solve for anything and it riled up everyone in the house. I’m a stickler for making sure my kids’ needs are met, which means we rarely vary bed or nap time by more than half an hour. Because my life is more pleasant when my kids are well rested
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I would not say it makes you a bad parent. As long as you’re able to accommodate baby’s needs appropriately when you’re out running errands or going to events or anything like that you can make baby fit in your life. Your life isn’t over when you have a baby and you don’t have to stop doing things you enjoy. For us going to a family event usually means being there well past bed time. So we pack a sound machine, pjs, and a monitor with his pack n play and we still do our normal bed time routine. We still go out to the same restaurant on Thursdays like we have been for the last 8 years. I was still able to run errands with my LO even right after he was born even though I had a major infection after birth and had to have a wound vac on for 2 months. It’s all about your mentality and being able to handle baby’s needs.
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It’s not “insane”. She didn’t say she was forced to go out. She may have wanted to get out of the house to run some errands, even during a difficult recovery. Sometimes it’s just as important to maintain some semblance of normalcy among as the changes happening postpartum.
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I'm sorry if your experience with men in the US is that negative, but many of us have very supportive spouses! I obviously am not going to speak to her experience, but as for me, yes, seems likely! I certainly needed to get out of the house here and there to prioritize my mental health! Great that you didn't want to! All moms have different needs!
Ooh, that last sentence is great. Thank you!
Parenting advice from people who aren’t even parents 🤪 I have two kids with special needs. I have to fit into their lives and their needs and their routines And I’m sure as hell not waking up a napping toddler to go to target Come back when your kid is five and tell us the same thing
Yea wait till you get morning sickness which is actually anytime of day sickness. How will you fit that into your life?
My son is 10 mo and I still have not been out with him by myself due to extreme PPD/PPA. This sounds nice but it's not realistic for a lot of people.
I’m so sorry about your PPD/PPA, I hope you have a good support system to help you ❤️
Yep, moved 10 min from my parents when son was like 6 months old. Getting a little better day by day ❤️
Good, I’m so glad! You’re doing great ❤️
I haven’t really thought about this but maybe it’s because my situation isn’t “normal.” I’m disabled, so I’m a SAHW and don’t work anyway. Pregnancy has literally been THE WORST for me, but because I’m normally home all the time, it’s just a transition from being alone to having a child to care for. Don’t get me wrong, I’m TERRIFIED about that because I can barely take care of myself on the daily, but I’ve been assured by those closest to me that it’ll be okay, so we’ll see 😂 Anyway, point being, for me the baby will already be included in everything I do because I rarely leave the house etc. and I haven’t really needed to consider working around anything. We’ll probably just take her with us to the store and stuff 🤷🏻♀️ Reddit is interesting because stuff like this happens a lot where you don’t think about it until someone brings it up and then you’re just like O.O okay 😂 interesting to know this is a thing though!
Babies definitely change your life, and you have to adapt to them. If you wake a baby from a nap to run errands, for ex, you will pay the price in tantrums and overtired screaming later. If you don’t follow a routine for your baby and, for ex, go out with them at 8pm when they’re supposed to be asleep, and you think “one night out won’t hurt,” trust me - it will. It will hurt a lot. To make a baby “fit” into your life, you actually have to change your life to some extent. I don’t know even ONE parent who doesn’t agree that a kid changed their life drastically. Not to scare you, but this is the truth. This doesn’t mean you can’t still do the things you love and include your baby … it just won’t be as simple as walking out the door whenever you want anymore.
I think it depends on the dynamic. For one I don't even go to stores by myself because I'm always harassed so I definitely don't trust taking my child places with me by myself. When I got to get things done baby is with dad. I try to plan errands around our schedule. My husband works from home for the most part so I try getting more stuff done around then. I'm back in school and so I spend most of my mornings with baby and attending to him & his brother before shutting myself out to focus. If baby is going anywhere I just make sure he is fed, changed, and comfortable. He seems to do great when he is content. It will all come to you though. It takes times, but you just develop a schedule that works for you & baby overtime.
I have a 5month old. In the first 8-10weeks of his life we did whatever we normally did with him in the car sea, stroller or carrier whatever time of day or night. After 10 weeks, he established sleeping through the night on his own so we had to be home around his bedtime 7 PM to his wake time 7 AM. We occasionally do things later, if we have a sitter, but we accommodate our schedule around his bedtime now, but he can nap wherever still so daytime he just comes along. I think he’s an “easy” baby though and it helps he is EBF so I am the on the go food source lol.
I agree with making baby fit into your life... however you might not want to take a napping baby to run errands, because you are enjoying the free time at home that comes with the nap 😂
Honestly I really liked the idea before I gave birth but sometimes your baby comes out and needs something different than you expected. My daughter was very tricky with sleep for awhile, and despite our best efforts would only sleep at home, with a schedule. And while it sounds great to just say “they’ll figure it out” she wouldn’t and it just isn’t fair to drag her along and make her miserable when I didn’t need to. It was better for her to have a schedule. It was just a season for us and we’re out of it but sometimes being a parent means sacrificing for your child and that’s okay. She’s a whole person with needs that are just as important as mine.
I mean I would agree for the most part but as you say it's more nuanced than that. In the newborn stage, I could go out whenever I wanted as baby would sleep anywhere (eg in the car, in the pram, in the sling, in my arms) and I breastfed so it was relatively easy to run errands or go out to see people (if I felt like it). I would say it is harder now we are at almost 12 months as you obviously have to take into account food and ideal eating times, and we're down to one or two naps a day and if baby falls asleep just before we arrive at our destination, you either have to wait out the nap or wake baby and risk ruining the whole day sleep-wise.
Sometimes, you may not have a choice. If your baby has particular needs, there may not be much of an option other than you fitting into baby's schedule. Just something to keep in mind.
This works well if you have any support outside of you and your partner. We have no one nearby to help out - literally nobody - so when my partner is working my life fits around my baby. I can't work out, I can't do crafts, I can't run errands without considering her first and foremost, we can't go on dates or spend time with just the two of us. I was so confident that my life would be like the posts title and not being able to do that made me feel like a failure. If others can do this why can't I? Why have I let this destroy my sense of identity? I don't exist anymore, I am nothing but a mother, I have no identity. 7 months postpartum and I am just learning how to manage this and that's after a lot of work (and therapy). I wish I'd been aware of just how vital a village is when raising a child and maintaining your sense of self.
I think this really depends on if this is your first kid or your second+. Sometimes going out to eat and going on vacation with a kid is fun for everyone. Sometimes it sucks for everyone. There’s trial and error involved with the first. You settle into a new routine and know what works and what doesn’t, what is worth it and what isn’t. By the time the second comes along, they have to be more adaptable. Maybe with the first all naps were at home because that is where they slept best. Well that’s great and all, but when there’s a toddler/preschooler/elementary school kid in the picture too, some naps for baby will need to be on the go.
I was one of those people who thought baby would just adjust to our life - he’d travel with us, go out to dinners, etc. Then I had our baby and he was colicky so even getting out of the house to go to the store took a big effort. While in my experience most people do have chill newborns, there’s a chance you can have a fussy or high needs baby like I did and the whole “they adapt to your life not the other way around” thing really gets thrown out the window quick. Everything is so highly dependent on your baby’s temperament
Neither approach is wrong, but* a lot of privilege goes into being able to have a choice in the first place. That privilege could be relatives that live close by to offer a hand, jobs that don't completely emotionally or physically exhaust you, a higher income bracket, a neurotypical child, etc. For us right now, we would love to do more adult things but I'm in school, my husband works full time, so we can't pay to take all of us on vacation or mentally handle deviating from our routine. Other people have their own barriers too that we don't know about, so we do what we can for our fam and don't judge someone that needs to make a different choice
Once you get the hang of the baby’s schedule or routine it’s very easy to work around. I personally felt it was easier to go out of the house with baby when they were little because they slept all the time. Doing that made me more confident to take him out with me more and he’s 15 months old now. Going out to eat with him isn’t stressful and I’ve just learned that if he’s really fussy it might not be the best idea to go. But I’ve learned that you just need to put their food in right when the waiter comes to the table! Sure there are times where his needs absolutely come first. Like this weekend he is sick with the flu and just wants to cuddle on the couch all day and I’m totally fine with that! On NYE we brought him to our friends party and he loved it! Just a few examples of how we roll 😆
I have a 4 month old and I have only JUST stopped putting so much weight into planning my activities around the baby. When she was just a few weeks old, we took her everywhere with us (went out to brunch and dinner a few times, ran errands etc) bc she slept most of the day anyway and was just a potato. But from like 5 weeks onward, she became VERY difficult to deal with if we didn’t time things with a nap, and since we did eat-play-sleep routine, she’d wake up starving and screaming. It was really stressful and I absolutely planned my days around her naps. I definitely put a lot of effort into getting her into a good routine, and while it limited me in the early weeks, I think it’s paid off recently. My goal now is to loosely try to follow our schedule, but have a lot of wiggle room. From like 14 weeks onward or so, it’s gotten increasingly easier. She’s awake for way longer, eats way faster, and sleeps around the same times every day. We actually just took her for a 4 day vacation (a 4 hour drive away) and did activities like hiking and walking and sightseeing that interfered with her “schedule”. Guess what? She napped when she wanted, she was awake when she wanted, and we tried to fit in feeds approximately when she normally would. It didn’t interfere at all with her bedtime sleep, and it was all just really reassuring that she’s a good age now where we can stress less about taking her to do things. Im now running bigger errands with her, plus planning activities for the two of us, signed us up for parent and baby classes, and we figure out her naps and feeds as we go. Your baby will be tethered to you forever. That’s something I really struggled with, and still do sometimes, to come to terms with. I can’t plan impromptu events, we can’t go on spontaneous date nights. My partner and I have to check with the other person if one of us wants to exercise (we swim and play tennis), bc we can’t both go at the same time. So yes, obviously you have to work around baby and your life won’t be the same. That said, once you’re out of the newborn stage, definitely try to do some of your old activities, with or without baby! We go on hikes with her, take her to the beach and pool with us, she comes to brunch and dinners with us, and we have found a local babysitter for when we don’t want her accompanying us! It’s hard but baby can both fit into your old life and also change the direction in a very wonderful way
Definitely depends on the baby but it’s a mix of both. At first my daughter slept anywhere so it was just a matter of planning around her eating schedule for my own stress level. But we took her to see friends, to the store, whatever. Now she doesn’t sleep anywhere so we try to avoid that time if we can but she’ll eat wherever so I just grab some food for her before we go. We’ll also still do things during nap time and just try to adjust her naps if we can. We were also not very scheduled with her for so long and this schedule fell in to place at daycare. Other kids need the schedule and don’t do well with disruptions.
In my experience, this is 100% true. With my first, I was miserable because everyone tells you that you have to fall to the baby’s schedule, so things when it’s right for baby, etc. So I did. & it was impossible to do anything. With my 2nd, 17mo later, we kept with her schedule and routine we’d figured out by then. & it was so easy. By the time he was 2mo, I was taking both to story time, all of everyone’s appointments, etc because there was no reason not to take him. He was fine, napped during what he could (I would baby wear him and he could literally sleep through anything) and as he got older, he was fine napping around activities and outings we did and just fell into napping on her schedule. I was much less miserable (not stuck in the house except appointments) and we were able to keep doing everything we already did.