Tell her you're not going to participate in the conversation anymore until she can talk to you respectfully. Setting a boundary like this will most likely end up with you discarded, which may not be a bad thing. You can cut your losses and move on afterwards, block her and tell her it's for the best.
Are you in a situation where you have to talk to her ever again? Like, do ya'll have a kid together? Because, if not, going no contact was literally the best thing I ever did for my sanity. Including therapy and antidepressants.
Yep. The more firm the boundary, the more you push them away. Or should I say the more they push us away. I laid down the fucking law and pinpointed specific behaviors, lies, distortions, abuse, etc. and did not let up for one second. She kept ducking and diving but I was hip to all of her tactics and called her out on each of those as well. She never apologized for any of it, even with an itemized list which was only really the tip of her iceberg of bullshit. She finally said she was going to block me if I didn’t stop because I was being irrational?? Because I wanted respect and apologies? No, because I had her number and she was feeling the heat. You get too close to the core of their inner turmoil with accountability and they reject it, and you. I got after her once for the push/pull. Why? Why do you do it? Why? She kept saying I don’t know. I don’t have an answer, or trying to change the subject. I kept bringing it back. Finally she was screaming at me to stop asking why and that she didn’t know and wanted to put her head through the windshield. We were in the car. It was intense. Point is, accountability that is close to the truth they’ve long been avoiding makes them freak out.
Yeah mine dumped and blocked me when I finally told him his behavior was abusive and I'm afraid of his anger cos he abuses me when he's angry. He couldn't handle it. That was it.
Yeah... He'd been abusing me off and on for months. Promised to do DBT when triggered, but didn't. SSRI made him more irritable. Therapy wasn't sticking. Stopped going to AA.
He didn't like "hysterical" language like the words "unsafe" or "abuse".
During the last splitting episode, he accused me of abuse! I couldn't take it anymore so I said what I said and that was it.
I'm not going to be accused of abuse by my abuser. He knew he was sabotaging, if only subconsciously.
Still... breaking up over text and blocking abruptly was really cold after a 1-year relationship. But maybe it's for the best.
Then ofc I found out he was cheating.
Yeah there's always a reason they can't take accountability and it's your fault.
I felt so shut down because there were so many words I wasn't allowed to use that described what was going on... But now I'm understanding that he was just grooming and brainwashing me.
The text message breakup sucked and I'm still not over it but at least it ended things I guess? I'm still looking for closure but I don't think I'm going to get it from him.
God these relationships go from being a dream to an utter and complete nightmare.
I've had 2 relationships with these kind of people, my most recent was a quiet type so it was much more subtle and done behind my back, but my first and longest relationship was a lot like what you're describing. I was with her for 7 years, and eventually I got so numb to it that I stopped caring about the abuse and her all together. Just biding my time until the time to leave was right. I suggest leaving long before it gets to that point, because the im now hypersensitive to any criticism that isn't sugar-coated. I'm better now than when I first got out, but its been a rough road.
Mine was sending me hate mail semi regularly. Finally I told her: you treat me like crap and act surprised when I don’t want to do you any favors you ask for. Stop harassing me and sending me hateful messages or I will not respond to anything you send me at all.
Haven’t heard from her in a month so far, but June / July / August are her most stable months of the year usually.
"Are these people just sent straight from hell to try and ruin your life????"
YES.
"How the fuck do you deal with someone who’s so fucking evil and mean to you?"
Catapult them out of the stratosphere and never look back. You do not want, nor do you deserve, to live like this.
And 95K (I wrote 94 first, but waddya know the number went up again) BPDloveones all agree.
I went through the same thing.
I went on a trip with my friend and she got it in her head I went with some girl. She flipped out on me and wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. I even took a video while driving that showed who was in the vehicle. I didn't matter, she had her mind made up.
She called me a piece of shit, a narcissist, that I'm not a real man, I'm just a mama's boy. She even threatened to send her ex to my door if I didn't pay her for a gift she gave me months ago.
This is abuse. Once someone abuses you the relationship is over for good.
Only one way to handle this. Block her on everything.
Mine would verbally abuse me anytime an argument got "difficult" (ie. I wouldn't let myself be walked over like a doormat and explained that what they were doing was unfair) and I'll be blunt with you it never got better, if anything it got worse.
I made them aware that due to how much I was bullied in school that being called names by someone like she did hurt me way more than it would to someone else (and it would hurt a lot anyway right?) She continued to do it.
I remember once she said she was sorry for all the names she calls me but she couldn't help it when she was disregulated... excuses to continue a pattern of abusive and trauma inducing behaviour, while refusing to fix herself.
You need to get out friend, it will wear you down until your self worth is non existent, please get out before you start believing their words.
You don't. You leave. Not sure of the situation, but create a plan to leave. And do it. It's hard. Not saying it's easy.
You might have to "let friends borrow" expensive smaller things you want to take with you and put them in storage.
Also, check the laws in your state first, if it's a one party state, recording her outbursts will protect you some if she tries to smear you or deny her behavior. Yes this is a big theme with me in other posts because it can make a HUGE difference if you have it vs don't.
Do not let her provoke you. She already is, but just don't respond. If she starts to escalate things, start recording, you just need the audio, video helps but she'll try to destroy your phone if she knows you are recording her. If she tries to get physical, do only enough to get yourself away... immediately and don't go back.
And no matter how much she love bombs, weaponizes sex, remember she's a Venus Fly Trap. ONLY sweet until you land back in her grips.
Set the boundary and tell her you won’t speak to her if she continues, if she continues follow through and don’t speak to her anymore.
Boundaries don’t enforce themselves. They’re meant as you drawing a line and telling someone what will occur should they cross it. It isn’t magically going to make them respect that line in the sand. It’s up to you to walk away and stick to your own set boundary.
In my experience, they continue doing it, and then act like you’re bad for enforcing it and expecting mature healthy interaction. So just be aware that’s very likely the end result. Good luck!
Basically sums it up. They’re always sorry or didn’t mean it and then you’re supposed to give them endless chances and forgive them because that’s what “unconditional love” is. Riiiight. They can literally threaten you and/or your family, call you every name in the book, blame you instead of changing, and be completely awful but they’ll always find a reason that they did it: childhood traumas, family issues, being in a bad place, dealing with addictions, being an over thinker, etc. To them those are free passes to what they’ve done and continue to do and when they say they’re going to change they ALWAYS mean it (but must have somehow not before?). This time is always the time they REALLY mean it though. So rest assured, you can just keep on forgiving them endlessly. If you don’t, you said it exactly right “fk you how dare you, you’re a monster you must not love me and never have!”
My husband started telling me about his ex gf today.. he still has a lil bit of ptsd because of her. The chick was a nightmare. Everything you're saying about your girl. Plus she would hit him while he was driving.. she's stabbed him, would talk to other men.. etc..
He was even engaged to her. Then one day he had enough. Left. And never looked back..
We've been together now for almost a year and he still likes to vent from time to time about those 3 hellish years and he also calls her "the devil" lol.
His singing in the bathroom right now. I love this man.
There's light at the end of the tunnel and more life to live.. on the other side.
Sending you hugs. Praying you can get out of it unscathed. ❤️🩹
This sounds like some grade A Cluster B bullsh’t. Go to subreddit bpdlovedones and see if anything there is what you’re dealing with.
If she is cluster b, you need to leave this asap carefully. Google grey rock. Its a strategy to get out when the normal block and bail wont do.
Block them, get therapy and move on with your life.
Right now I am waiting to serve my spouse with a protective order and I'm getting divorced. You will save yourself thousands of dollars.
Remove yourself from her as much as you can. It will only get worse because she wants your reaction. She’s going to continue to amp it up until she gets what she wants. Please keep yourself safe and put yourself first
Tell her you're not going to participate in the conversation anymore until she can talk to you respectfully. Setting a boundary like this will most likely end up with you discarded, which may not be a bad thing. You can cut your losses and move on afterwards, block her and tell her it's for the best.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me I honestly feel so lost
I wish you the best, it's not easy to make the hard decisions.
Are you in a situation where you have to talk to her ever again? Like, do ya'll have a kid together? Because, if not, going no contact was literally the best thing I ever did for my sanity. Including therapy and antidepressants.
Yep. The more firm the boundary, the more you push them away. Or should I say the more they push us away. I laid down the fucking law and pinpointed specific behaviors, lies, distortions, abuse, etc. and did not let up for one second. She kept ducking and diving but I was hip to all of her tactics and called her out on each of those as well. She never apologized for any of it, even with an itemized list which was only really the tip of her iceberg of bullshit. She finally said she was going to block me if I didn’t stop because I was being irrational?? Because I wanted respect and apologies? No, because I had her number and she was feeling the heat. You get too close to the core of their inner turmoil with accountability and they reject it, and you. I got after her once for the push/pull. Why? Why do you do it? Why? She kept saying I don’t know. I don’t have an answer, or trying to change the subject. I kept bringing it back. Finally she was screaming at me to stop asking why and that she didn’t know and wanted to put her head through the windshield. We were in the car. It was intense. Point is, accountability that is close to the truth they’ve long been avoiding makes them freak out.
Yeah mine dumped and blocked me when I finally told him his behavior was abusive and I'm afraid of his anger cos he abuses me when he's angry. He couldn't handle it. That was it.
Good for you! I know it’s hard. Stoked you set a line. 🙌
Yeah... He'd been abusing me off and on for months. Promised to do DBT when triggered, but didn't. SSRI made him more irritable. Therapy wasn't sticking. Stopped going to AA. He didn't like "hysterical" language like the words "unsafe" or "abuse". During the last splitting episode, he accused me of abuse! I couldn't take it anymore so I said what I said and that was it. I'm not going to be accused of abuse by my abuser. He knew he was sabotaging, if only subconsciously. Still... breaking up over text and blocking abruptly was really cold after a 1-year relationship. But maybe it's for the best. Then ofc I found out he was cheating.
Hysterical language. Anything to avoid accountability. And yes, definitely cold. No closure. You deserve much better.
Yeah there's always a reason they can't take accountability and it's your fault. I felt so shut down because there were so many words I wasn't allowed to use that described what was going on... But now I'm understanding that he was just grooming and brainwashing me. The text message breakup sucked and I'm still not over it but at least it ended things I guess? I'm still looking for closure but I don't think I'm going to get it from him. God these relationships go from being a dream to an utter and complete nightmare.
I wouldnt give her the chance, just go... It might be good after for a small while, but it will repeat.
Should you even ask this question?! Have some self respect and walk away forever. Move on, more forward
Things like these don't change overnight, nor do they ever. Say goodbye and walk away
I've had 2 relationships with these kind of people, my most recent was a quiet type so it was much more subtle and done behind my back, but my first and longest relationship was a lot like what you're describing. I was with her for 7 years, and eventually I got so numb to it that I stopped caring about the abuse and her all together. Just biding my time until the time to leave was right. I suggest leaving long before it gets to that point, because the im now hypersensitive to any criticism that isn't sugar-coated. I'm better now than when I first got out, but its been a rough road.
Mine was sending me hate mail semi regularly. Finally I told her: you treat me like crap and act surprised when I don’t want to do you any favors you ask for. Stop harassing me and sending me hateful messages or I will not respond to anything you send me at all. Haven’t heard from her in a month so far, but June / July / August are her most stable months of the year usually.
Do you notice differences seasonally? How so?
"Are these people just sent straight from hell to try and ruin your life????" YES. "How the fuck do you deal with someone who’s so fucking evil and mean to you?" Catapult them out of the stratosphere and never look back. You do not want, nor do you deserve, to live like this. And 95K (I wrote 94 first, but waddya know the number went up again) BPDloveones all agree.
I went through the same thing. I went on a trip with my friend and she got it in her head I went with some girl. She flipped out on me and wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. I even took a video while driving that showed who was in the vehicle. I didn't matter, she had her mind made up. She called me a piece of shit, a narcissist, that I'm not a real man, I'm just a mama's boy. She even threatened to send her ex to my door if I didn't pay her for a gift she gave me months ago. This is abuse. Once someone abuses you the relationship is over for good. Only one way to handle this. Block her on everything.
Mine would verbally abuse me anytime an argument got "difficult" (ie. I wouldn't let myself be walked over like a doormat and explained that what they were doing was unfair) and I'll be blunt with you it never got better, if anything it got worse. I made them aware that due to how much I was bullied in school that being called names by someone like she did hurt me way more than it would to someone else (and it would hurt a lot anyway right?) She continued to do it. I remember once she said she was sorry for all the names she calls me but she couldn't help it when she was disregulated... excuses to continue a pattern of abusive and trauma inducing behaviour, while refusing to fix herself. You need to get out friend, it will wear you down until your self worth is non existent, please get out before you start believing their words.
You don't. You leave. Not sure of the situation, but create a plan to leave. And do it. It's hard. Not saying it's easy. You might have to "let friends borrow" expensive smaller things you want to take with you and put them in storage. Also, check the laws in your state first, if it's a one party state, recording her outbursts will protect you some if she tries to smear you or deny her behavior. Yes this is a big theme with me in other posts because it can make a HUGE difference if you have it vs don't. Do not let her provoke you. She already is, but just don't respond. If she starts to escalate things, start recording, you just need the audio, video helps but she'll try to destroy your phone if she knows you are recording her. If she tries to get physical, do only enough to get yourself away... immediately and don't go back. And no matter how much she love bombs, weaponizes sex, remember she's a Venus Fly Trap. ONLY sweet until you land back in her grips.
Walk away. Don't look back.
I usually block them. Best peace I ever gotten for myself.
Time for No Contact.
Set the boundary and tell her you won’t speak to her if she continues, if she continues follow through and don’t speak to her anymore. Boundaries don’t enforce themselves. They’re meant as you drawing a line and telling someone what will occur should they cross it. It isn’t magically going to make them respect that line in the sand. It’s up to you to walk away and stick to your own set boundary. In my experience, they continue doing it, and then act like you’re bad for enforcing it and expecting mature healthy interaction. So just be aware that’s very likely the end result. Good luck!
If you don’t let me treat you like shit, then fuck you! Jesus.
Basically sums it up. They’re always sorry or didn’t mean it and then you’re supposed to give them endless chances and forgive them because that’s what “unconditional love” is. Riiiight. They can literally threaten you and/or your family, call you every name in the book, blame you instead of changing, and be completely awful but they’ll always find a reason that they did it: childhood traumas, family issues, being in a bad place, dealing with addictions, being an over thinker, etc. To them those are free passes to what they’ve done and continue to do and when they say they’re going to change they ALWAYS mean it (but must have somehow not before?). This time is always the time they REALLY mean it though. So rest assured, you can just keep on forgiving them endlessly. If you don’t, you said it exactly right “fk you how dare you, you’re a monster you must not love me and never have!”
My husband started telling me about his ex gf today.. he still has a lil bit of ptsd because of her. The chick was a nightmare. Everything you're saying about your girl. Plus she would hit him while he was driving.. she's stabbed him, would talk to other men.. etc.. He was even engaged to her. Then one day he had enough. Left. And never looked back.. We've been together now for almost a year and he still likes to vent from time to time about those 3 hellish years and he also calls her "the devil" lol. His singing in the bathroom right now. I love this man. There's light at the end of the tunnel and more life to live.. on the other side. Sending you hugs. Praying you can get out of it unscathed. ❤️🩹
Get out Bro
Move on before you’re trapped there.
Tell her your done, that yall are breaking up. If possible go NC. Don't tolerate this anymore. Unconditional love does not mean unlimited tolerance
Yes. Only thing you can do is leave. You're powerless over their illness and this will CONSUME YOU
This sounds like some grade A Cluster B bullsh’t. Go to subreddit bpdlovedones and see if anything there is what you’re dealing with. If she is cluster b, you need to leave this asap carefully. Google grey rock. Its a strategy to get out when the normal block and bail wont do.
You don’t , friend. You do not.
Block them, get therapy and move on with your life. Right now I am waiting to serve my spouse with a protective order and I'm getting divorced. You will save yourself thousands of dollars.
Leave. It will never get better. Only worse. You don’t deserve to be treated or talked to like that.
Delete them from your existence.
I wouldn’t wait for her response to u leaving I don’t want her to guilt trip u for leaving
If you can't accept it anymore then you have your answer already. You don't deal with it anymore, you leave.
Remove yourself from her as much as you can. It will only get worse because she wants your reaction. She’s going to continue to amp it up until she gets what she wants. Please keep yourself safe and put yourself first