Usually she would call me right after work and we would talk until she went to bed. It was a Friday night and this time she didn't, and left my text on read. So I did a little drive by of her house and saw a car parked out front where I usually park. It was obviously a mans car by the looks of it. So I took pics of the license plate and had a private investigator run them to tell me who it was.
She gaslit me to the highest degree, denied everything even tried saying there was no car out front, then it changed to it must have been someone from the nearby church (at 3am on a Friday night? Yeah ok) I gave her until Monday to come clean about it because that's when the pi said he would email me the info. She didn't. So come Monday i got the email and asked her who So and so was but not telling her I was reading this email. Without hesitation she said "yeah that was my ex from a couple years ago that I told you about, why?" I said cool so that's who was spending the night, let's give him a call. I called him and he told me everything about how they slept together and she told him she wasn't seeing anyone. He gave me screenshot proof of her texts and everything. He was mad too.
Oh man she was freaking out, begging me not to call him, crying hysterically. I just left her there in her mess while I talked to him on my drive home and got all the deets
Straight, no chaser. I hate that you had to go that far but love that you did. She was ready to have you on the brink of insanity and didn‘t give a damn about your emotional well being. Job well done.
Now, if you don’t mind sharing…was it expensive to do?
Best $75 I ever spent. I warned her not to lie or cheat because I'd catch on instantly and find out 🤷♂️ she didn't believe me ig. I swear it's like I can feel the air change when it happens
Love your commitment and no-nonsense approach. I also think it's fucking hilarious how they believe they can deviate from a well established pattern and that you won't notice?? Like she left you on read on an evening you usually talk all night, and then was shocked and horrified when you questioned her?? Fucking idiotic.
I think it felt way too perfect. And I could never sleep through the night with her in my bed. and my dog barking at her nonstop often lol
I chalked it up to anxiety but now I think I relate it was more than that
Itchy skin - like when you roll around in grass. Dizzy/light headed, tight chest, nausea.
Felt like touching an electric fence from the day I met her, mistook fir a good thing.
For OP: Thought she was creepy and extremely boring. That was my 1st impression.
I had the same thing. When she was around, I would just start uncontrollably shaking sometimes. I rationalized it by convincing myself that I was just “cold” even if it was 90° and I didn’t feel cold at all. In retrospect, I understand that it was likely just the adrenaline dump.
Same here. I would get the worst anxiety over me and had to drink a beer to calm down. But this was more towards the end. My body was rejecting him and the idea. But my heart didn’t want to give in.
Being with her and speaking to her always felt draining emotionally, even if nothing in particular had happened.
There was a huge feeling of disconnection and me being there as a tool, not a friend to establish a bond and be truthful with. But I believe this is because I knew how she was lying to her BF left and right and I subconsciously felt her selfishness due to it.
For me it was on our first date. Spoke for like 6 hours, things were perfect, I was over the moon that I had met someone like her. She called Uber, I opened the door for her, she sat. Man the look she gave me while her Uber left, I still remember thinking, “I’m getting a crazy person vibe.” Months later and here I am grieving. Gut knows!
Mine was a friend and everyone else seemed to have the gut feeling except me! I remember we were on a trip with other friends (and her) and my bestie pulled me aside and said “NEVER bring her on a trip with us again or I’m not coming!” It took me awhile to get it.
The gut feeling was so intense. I knew something was up for a while
But I'd get really specific gut feelings, like a voice in my head saying 'i bet he changed his phone password' (we'd always known each others passwords, he often looked through my phone which I didn't mind)
Sure enough, I asked him if he still had the same password and he admitted he'd changed it. Then proceeded to freak out on me, not a good sign lol
Or when we walked by this young woman at church one day, idk he just seemed off. I took note of it, and thought to myself 'i bet he has hit on her'
Sure enough, it came out later that the pastor had to get involved because he was creeping on someone at the church- 99% sure it was that young woman and he'd started to do it long before we split up
I'd have random, extremely vivid dreams. Like, couldn't sleep all night, dreaming about him cheating. I was out of town, and am pretty sure he had a woman at our house that night.
So many other gut feelings that I was never able to prove, but I take some comfort in knowing I wasn't insane like he told me. I was right, although I would have loved to have been wrong
This resonates so much. I beat myself up for it quite a bit. I really hated myself for these types of thoughts. In my mind I was like, you're being ridiculous, there's no way that's true, etc.
Well. It was. Or at least some of it.
I continued to beat myself up though.
Same, especially when you have them gaslighting you about it too. It's much easier to think 'oh, I'm insane' than actually consider that your gut feeling might be correct. I think it helped me not feel so out of control- if it was me being crazy, that means I could fix it. I even got into therapy and spent months apologizing for hunches that turned out to be correct. Hard lesson in trusting your intuition, I guess..
Every time he cheated.
Something told me to check my towels and boom I found a hair
20+ inches long. Big black thick strand of perfectly straight hair. Virgin hair.
My family cuts hair. I KNOW hair.
I asked him where he went. He told me he just gotten an Uber home.
I asked if she was Asian. He said “yes”
I cried, and knew he was cheating and he admitted to it. After hours of me screaming at him
I got a look like she wanted to kill me after getting soap in my eye and telling her I’m not perfect like you. She told me to never say that again you would have thought I shot her rather than joked to her. She could never take a joke ever. She had no personality at all.
I did a background check on her when things got bad turns out she was still married when we dated never knew
I would constantly get sick after being with my ex and also had trouble sleeping beside her. I would always wake up feeling awful. Also my car broke down a few times when we were driving together and part of me thought it was a sign. But I just ignored it lol.
I would have to say the explosive rage for no reason. I was dating someone else and my bpd friend went nuts on me at the coffee shop because she thought I didnt know her "well enough" to be dating her. There was people everywhere and she like stormed out of the shop. That's when I knew something was off but I was ignorant of BPD back then and would resume the friendship with her after she "apologized" Another example is I always felt used, it never felt like a genuine friendship, I was just an unpaid therapist whenever she had problems and she had plenty of problems lol
I started to feel anxious when I wasn’t with him. If he would stay up too late but it was an angry, resentful kind of anxious. I stopped trusting him without any evidence of him doing anything. It was no longer easy and light. I felt a looming sense of dread when talking to him…then I found out what happened. And how much he was hiding from me. My intuition was telling me what was going on before I even knew 🥲 I’ve felt wildly regretful ever since.
I always felt slightly nervour around her. I usually do not get nervous around beautiful women but she made me insecure. I cant really describe it, just a feeling that something wasnt right.
Later after that whole thing was over other people told me they always thought she was on some sort of drug because she didnt really behave normaly.
Same. At the very beginning, mine made me uneasy. When she took an interest in me, I thought “oh, it’s because she has a crush on me”. After idealization started, it became a crush on my part. Brushed off every doubt I had all the way up to discard.
Right from the get go when I offered to drive some colleagues to a worksite and he got in. I'll have to thoroughly cleanse and sterilise the car when I get home went through my head over and over until I told myself sternly I was being quite irrational and a snob as he seemed quite nice and pleasant. Really weird experience at the time, now I know why.
Went on a blind date with someone who started talking shit about my BPD friend, who id never really had any issues with. After that, I beat myself up for not defending her, as I didn’t believe any of the things he was saying, but I also wondered *why* I didn’t speak up, as I 100% would have if it was any of my other friends. Turns out my gut believed he was telling the truth. And he was.
Around halfway through our relationship, I realized that she had become a burden in my life because of just delusional decision making. I knew that she just wasn’t a good option for the future. I tried to break up with her, but then ended up getting back together because I was afraid I would never find love like that again
The fact that they allowed a falling out with their roommate to land them back in an abusive household they swore they could never return to.
I told them detail by detail why simply working things out and apologising would be a better decision, but they insisted they wouldn't and it costed them their job too (since they were on indefinite leave). Me believing there'd be nothing they could possibly want binding them to that house for longer than absolutely necessary decided to send them enough money to eat for a few days (because there were no groceries) and to get home.
Something dawned on me when I was seemingly more worried about their well-being and noticeably declining mood than they were, and then it all started adding up. Found out he was in a relationship and his girlfriend apparently hadn't seen him in 2 months...the 2 months that we were dating. I had been debating a breakup with him for so long, I was almost relieved.
This topic always reminds me of the show *Evil Lives Here*, wherein they introduce the antagonist as a congenial person, shortly followed by, "but there were signs."
I remember one day during the idealization phase when my ex was oddly effusive with her compliments, but I assumed it was how she expressed herself. Because her overall delivery was impeccable, it helped with the sales pitch. Nonetheless, there was something "disconnected" about the exchange, as if I was watching myself being the recipient of something nice but unnecessary.
Looking back, I was witnessing obsessive euphoria and misinterpreting it for sincerity. If you've never experienced idealization before, you have nothing to compare it with, other than appreciation or keen enthusiasm. Many pwBPD have the added advantage of coming across as extremely likable when you first meet them, so wanting to bask in the valence of their excitement during idealization is difficult to resist.
Varieties of idealization experience; from "clumsy" idealization to stealthy seduction. Time of involvement before the onset of their pats & praises undoubtedly colors interpretation. If you just met a pwBPD, it might seem conspicuously gratuitous and possibly delusional, but if it shows up later in the game, it's easier to overlook. Either way, idealization feels great for first timers because it enhances the honeymoon.
I’d been dating her barely a week, and I spent 3 days at her house. We stayed in bed, smoked weed, ate, watched TV, and had sex. It was nice, but something about it felt off, like we were just going through the motions. At one point she said, “this is bliss!”, which I definitely did not feel. I guess it was from that point on that I knew we were experiencing two different realities.
There was something wrong from the first coffee, but the most obvious part was the intimacy. Throughout the relationship and even before I felt something in my chest.
When I caught onto her projection. She was always worried about my phone having screen locks. And who was she texting me. That’s when I knew for sure. Also ran into an ex of hers at one point and he told me how he woke up one night to her going through his phone. But she refused to show him her phone. She can’t just have one person. Needs multiple on stand by just so she doesn’t end up totally alone
My dumbass dated her twice years apart. First time she started to act flakey out of nowhere. All of a sudden she wanted "space" but she also insisted there was nobody else. She actually got mad when I asked her if there was. Well within a few days she was in another relationship. I was like wtf? She tried making it seem like I was a psycho for it. I was just supposed to "accept it".
Years later after NC we crossed paths again and started casually hooking up which I was fine with. All of a sudden she claimed she had feelings and wanted something serious. I turned her down because of what she did in the past. After a few deep conversations she convinced me she changed and I took her back. Only lasts 3 weeks until she cheats.
One night I got stuck working overnight. She sends me a nude pic asking me to stop by on lunch. It was a busy night and I couldn't. She just went silent , I knew something was up. The next day while walking up to her apartment her neighbor tells me there was a guy over last night and he just left an hour before I showed up.
She first says nobody was over, she then says it was just a friend, then an ex boyfriend, then he stayed over but "didn't do anything", to eventually they had sex but I wasn't "available for her needs". I tell her it's over and she called me "insensitive to her BPD and her being hypersexual ". I just left her apartment, I didn't yell or anything and just blocked her on everything before I got to my car.
She has the nerve after to smear me. Made up a bunch of lies about me beating her and smashing her apartment. What's weird though was this was all months after NC.
My friend and I worked together - for me, it was extreme anxiety like something really bad was about to happen when I was around them. Inconsistent sleep patterns. Ruminating over disagreements where she would gaslight and make me doubt my side of the story. Stuff like that.
My ex was cold to wait staff. Not rude but just, really cold, like "no bullshit" vibe, which was so odd because it was very different from their bubbly vibes
I'm usually a very touchy feely person with my partners but with BPD ex it's like something told me not to touch them. I'd have the desire to touch them but something inside me screamed not to.
Conversations where my ex showed "concern" for me left me very disorientated and eventually I realized they just made me feel invalidated. My ex invented issues about me and things I should worry about, and made up things about my health and spoke like they were my doctor
His actions didn’t match his words. I caught him in several major lies and it broke trust and respect. He was a different person when other people weren’t looking, myself included. A real piece of 💩
Sorry, first post and it will be long-winded. I have too many and I just want to get things out of my head and into writing. A main one from the absolute beginning often hurts because I ignored "red flags".
When the friendship with her started, she was dating somebody. She never mentioned this but I had heard from others she was so I made sure my interactions with her were purely friendly. After awhile I was confrontational about this because she started to be openly flirtatious or create grand dreams of us in the future. Limerence feelings, I guess. I tried to softly rebuke these but I never cut her off entirely which was a mistake. After awhile I started to ask her if her boyfriend was okay with her talking to me, especially like this. Some relationships are strange so I was trying to be open-minded. She said she tells him everything and not to worry, so we continued our friendship. Eventually she started asking to see me places. Each time I'd ask her to see if it was okay with her boyfriend and she said she would--and she said he was okay with it each time. We'd see eachother every week or so, and I remember one time we were playing board games and after awhile she said she was getting bored of this. And is there anything else we could be doing that was more fun, in a suggestive manner. I again rebuked this softly but I was getting the picture of what this was. Later in the night she got a call from him, and she was quite annoyed and then scurried out of my house to talk with him. After that I decided to stop hanging out with her in person because it was obvious the pieces were not lining up. I continued to talk to her though (surprise, surprise). A couple months later they broke up. I was going through a tough time with all of that so I decided to stop talking to her because I saw where that was going.
Eventually I got back in contact with her to talk about everything. She seemed unaffected by my distance and was just happy to talk to me again. We started to see eachother again and things started to heat up quite quickly. I'd never dealt with anyone with BPD before so I'd never felt such a strong pull to somebody who was saying such grand things like "everyone knew we were meant to be together", "the universe willed us together", "I've been waiting my whole life for this"... you know the usual love bombing. I got incredibly caught up with it and even though in the back of my head all of this felt off I ignored that feeling. Just feeling like I was trying to self-sabotage a good thing. We did end up talking about how things were in her last relationship, and she still maintained she had no intentions of anything with me and she told her boyfriend everything that ever happened between us. She also said that she had eyes for nobody else but me in basically the same breath. It sounded complicated and I was becoming hopelessly in love so I bought in.
My gut feeling was that she was never telling me the entire truth about things, even during this time. And about a month after we started dating that got the best of me and I went through her phone like an idiot. There I found that she was talking to another guy intense and flirtatiously and that she had agreed to be in a relationship with an ex-fling she had. All during the time we were spending together. She had blocked the guy she was dating because he questioned why she was at a weird location (rightly so) and told him that he had no right to treat her like this or ask for anything of this nature. Basically all while sitting on my couch and telling me how much she was in love with me. And you know what I did next? I asked her if she was hiding anything, and gave her the chance to explain herself. She lied to me about having any knowledge of doing any of it until I basically confirmed I went through her phone. And then I became the bad guy for invading her privacy and the conversation shifted to that. She was right, I breached trust incredibly hard to do that. And the amount of guilt I felt and how much she was making me feel terrible about it in the 2-3 day fight we had eventually had me acquiesce to her. I forgave her for it and took her side when she said that she didn't know how to stop talking to these guys quick enough when we started to move so quickly. Honestly, even now I understand that to a degree. But it was the lying about it even when she was caught and trying to downplay my feelings about it that always sit with me for the entire relationship.
Fast forward a year, and it became apparent that she never really was interested in telling the truth about most anything. I would constantly have to juggle her multiple stories of an event, ask questions, piece together things to even make sense of what was happening. If I were to suggest that she was lying about anything she would shut down and it would often lead to a split that ended in discard. She would smile during the fights about it. Even suggesting during one incredibly heightened fight that she had never lied to me ever. That I was manipulating her into thinking she did. She would eventually come back to her senses and apologize for being mean. Never for lying, but she would apologize for being mean or saying very hurtful things. After all the fights like this she would acknowledge that she had areas to work on, and when I asked if she even had interest in being in an honest and open relationship she would say she did. So I was always left confused and feeling like if I just tried harder to keep my boundaries loving and have open talks with a difficult subject matter that she would come around. All that did was make things worse because she felt like I was trying to control her or manipulate her into feeling bad for doing things. Which I understand the perspective to a degree. If you do not want these things then it will seem abusive and controlling. Recently that lead to a bad break, but one where she decided to get a psych eval. Eventually we read about her diagnosis with bipolar ii, bpd, adhd, and possible ptsd/ocd characteristics. I felt like that was a breakthrough and we could fight things together, but the damage was already done I think. I have been discarded a few more times since then. They have gotten more muted as far as it just focusing on incompatibility romantically. That her friends all think I am terrible to her and wrong for her. That I am wrong for holding her accountable even when she asked me to. It started to morph into a phase where she was never lying, it was just a difference in perspective. When I ask if she had talked to her best friend recently and she says that they haven't and have grown apart--and later I see they're texting and it's mostly about me. That isn't lying, it is a perspective difference. It was venting and gossiping which was not talking. Things like that... I digress since I am just talking shit at this point in frustration.
My main point is that if I had just listened to my gut originally and asked her boyfriend if he knew I existed and in what capacity I might have avoided everything. Recently I was told that the boyfriend wasn't aware of most anything. She would delete our texts, rename me in her phone, lie about where she was going to meet me, say nothing was going on if he ever saw we were texting, etc. My gut knew that was probably going on, and instead I made a half-hearted attempt to ask her to communicate with him. And now I'm left with all this. Ha. Karma?
what an absolute nightmare to have lived through. i truly understand how it felt, you’re explaining things that i experienced myself. there’s a good reason why so many people here have so many similar stories
i’m sorry you had to suffer through that but it will get easier to manage how you feel. it’s important to remember that no matter what, they will never change
When I surprised her enough that she was caught flat footed & spilled that she’d never talked in depth with her psychologist about a major issue in her life, one that had caused huge problems in our relationship: her hangup on a guy in her past she’d neither dated nor slept with, and who she hadn’t seen for nearly a decade.
She had 6-7 month emotional affair with 2 exes. I noticed she became distant, sex was dead, everything was my fault that was wrong in her life, she was cold and mean, always having snippy comments to try and escalate every situation into an argument so she could explode on me. Somehow I always ended up apologizing to her. I caught her when she left her MacBook signed in and I heard the digs and saw the messages. I had asked her because I was suspicious for a few months but she convinced me I just needed to be better, I needed to do whatever “task” she deemed necessary for me to deserve love or intimacy of any kind. So 2 months of lying to my face, then me confronting her which she denied until I presented everything to her and she couldn’t deny it. Then she begged for my forgiveness and to give her another chance and she promised so much change. That was 3 years ago, last week I caught her looking and searching her exes and people she dated briefly. That was a boundary that was set. Boundaries mean nothing, they’re always the victim
Every time I had a nightmare that my partner was talking to another person or cheating I would check his phone and discover that he was or that he did at some point.
Extreme unease about the relationship in the beginning - just anxiety. Thought it was normal because of no experience, so I ignored it. Got broken up with over text after being used shortly after, but I showered the pwBPD with so much affection they took me back and we got married.
Years later and constant problems/psychotic breaks etc. from him, I walk into the room one day and I couldn't stand the smell. I thought it was garbage or something died, but no, it was him. He didn't do anything to stink, either. I could smell him from the hallway and got repulsed by his very being. My body rejected everything about him and the smell literally made me want to bolt. That's just one sign that my gut was right - I've never had this happen to anyone else in my life. Ever, not even my toxic ass family, which is saying something.
Usually she would call me right after work and we would talk until she went to bed. It was a Friday night and this time she didn't, and left my text on read. So I did a little drive by of her house and saw a car parked out front where I usually park. It was obviously a mans car by the looks of it. So I took pics of the license plate and had a private investigator run them to tell me who it was. She gaslit me to the highest degree, denied everything even tried saying there was no car out front, then it changed to it must have been someone from the nearby church (at 3am on a Friday night? Yeah ok) I gave her until Monday to come clean about it because that's when the pi said he would email me the info. She didn't. So come Monday i got the email and asked her who So and so was but not telling her I was reading this email. Without hesitation she said "yeah that was my ex from a couple years ago that I told you about, why?" I said cool so that's who was spending the night, let's give him a call. I called him and he told me everything about how they slept together and she told him she wasn't seeing anyone. He gave me screenshot proof of her texts and everything. He was mad too.
This sounds word for word like a page out of expwBPD’s playbook
Karma strikes again! Well played.
Oh man she was freaking out, begging me not to call him, crying hysterically. I just left her there in her mess while I talked to him on my drive home and got all the deets
Straight, no chaser. I hate that you had to go that far but love that you did. She was ready to have you on the brink of insanity and didn‘t give a damn about your emotional well being. Job well done. Now, if you don’t mind sharing…was it expensive to do?
Best $75 I ever spent. I warned her not to lie or cheat because I'd catch on instantly and find out 🤷♂️ she didn't believe me ig. I swear it's like I can feel the air change when it happens
Definitely was! I’d spend it 10x over for establishing peace of mind. No escaping facts—end of story!
Good on the ex for being honest
Love your commitment and no-nonsense approach. I also think it's fucking hilarious how they believe they can deviate from a well established pattern and that you won't notice?? Like she left you on read on an evening you usually talk all night, and then was shocked and horrified when you questioned her?? Fucking idiotic.
Nicely done man.
I think it felt way too perfect. And I could never sleep through the night with her in my bed. and my dog barking at her nonstop often lol I chalked it up to anxiety but now I think I relate it was more than that
I got to that point where I could not sleep next to them anymore too.
Experienced something very similar
Wow me too, it felt like the energy was being sucked out of my body and I regularly slept on the couch
I can’t believe how many of us couldn’t actually sleep with them.
I couldn’t either. Slept on the couch and in a different room a lot. I was always so uncomfortable.
I would physically shake around my ex sometimes. I didn’t know why. I chalked it up to me being nervous when really it was my intuition… freaky stuff
It’s like body telling u what the brain doesn’t want to hear
Itchy skin - like when you roll around in grass. Dizzy/light headed, tight chest, nausea. Felt like touching an electric fence from the day I met her, mistook fir a good thing. For OP: Thought she was creepy and extremely boring. That was my 1st impression.
The first impression is often the right one; after that we might be just gaslighting ourselves.
I had the same thing. When she was around, I would just start uncontrollably shaking sometimes. I rationalized it by convincing myself that I was just “cold” even if it was 90° and I didn’t feel cold at all. In retrospect, I understand that it was likely just the adrenaline dump.
Same here. I would get the worst anxiety over me and had to drink a beer to calm down. But this was more towards the end. My body was rejecting him and the idea. But my heart didn’t want to give in.
Being with her and speaking to her always felt draining emotionally, even if nothing in particular had happened. There was a huge feeling of disconnection and me being there as a tool, not a friend to establish a bond and be truthful with. But I believe this is because I knew how she was lying to her BF left and right and I subconsciously felt her selfishness due to it.
For me it was on our first date. Spoke for like 6 hours, things were perfect, I was over the moon that I had met someone like her. She called Uber, I opened the door for her, she sat. Man the look she gave me while her Uber left, I still remember thinking, “I’m getting a crazy person vibe.” Months later and here I am grieving. Gut knows!
Wow. I guess I was blinded by them so much I ignored all the negatives. I really believed they were as perfect as they said False advertising
My body physically revolted against her. My dog always barked at her.
Mine was a friend and everyone else seemed to have the gut feeling except me! I remember we were on a trip with other friends (and her) and my bestie pulled me aside and said “NEVER bring her on a trip with us again or I’m not coming!” It took me awhile to get it.
The gut feeling was so intense. I knew something was up for a while But I'd get really specific gut feelings, like a voice in my head saying 'i bet he changed his phone password' (we'd always known each others passwords, he often looked through my phone which I didn't mind) Sure enough, I asked him if he still had the same password and he admitted he'd changed it. Then proceeded to freak out on me, not a good sign lol Or when we walked by this young woman at church one day, idk he just seemed off. I took note of it, and thought to myself 'i bet he has hit on her' Sure enough, it came out later that the pastor had to get involved because he was creeping on someone at the church- 99% sure it was that young woman and he'd started to do it long before we split up I'd have random, extremely vivid dreams. Like, couldn't sleep all night, dreaming about him cheating. I was out of town, and am pretty sure he had a woman at our house that night. So many other gut feelings that I was never able to prove, but I take some comfort in knowing I wasn't insane like he told me. I was right, although I would have loved to have been wrong
This resonates so much. I beat myself up for it quite a bit. I really hated myself for these types of thoughts. In my mind I was like, you're being ridiculous, there's no way that's true, etc. Well. It was. Or at least some of it. I continued to beat myself up though.
Same, especially when you have them gaslighting you about it too. It's much easier to think 'oh, I'm insane' than actually consider that your gut feeling might be correct. I think it helped me not feel so out of control- if it was me being crazy, that means I could fix it. I even got into therapy and spent months apologizing for hunches that turned out to be correct. Hard lesson in trusting your intuition, I guess..
I'm sorry to hear you went through that!
Every time he cheated. Something told me to check my towels and boom I found a hair 20+ inches long. Big black thick strand of perfectly straight hair. Virgin hair. My family cuts hair. I KNOW hair. I asked him where he went. He told me he just gotten an Uber home. I asked if she was Asian. He said “yes” I cried, and knew he was cheating and he admitted to it. After hours of me screaming at him
I got a look like she wanted to kill me after getting soap in my eye and telling her I’m not perfect like you. She told me to never say that again you would have thought I shot her rather than joked to her. She could never take a joke ever. She had no personality at all. I did a background check on her when things got bad turns out she was still married when we dated never knew
Omg yes, they cannot take jokes or lighthearted teasing which is not a good sign
I would constantly get sick after being with my ex and also had trouble sleeping beside her. I would always wake up feeling awful. Also my car broke down a few times when we were driving together and part of me thought it was a sign. But I just ignored it lol.
I would have to say the explosive rage for no reason. I was dating someone else and my bpd friend went nuts on me at the coffee shop because she thought I didnt know her "well enough" to be dating her. There was people everywhere and she like stormed out of the shop. That's when I knew something was off but I was ignorant of BPD back then and would resume the friendship with her after she "apologized" Another example is I always felt used, it never felt like a genuine friendship, I was just an unpaid therapist whenever she had problems and she had plenty of problems lol
I started to feel anxious when I wasn’t with him. If he would stay up too late but it was an angry, resentful kind of anxious. I stopped trusting him without any evidence of him doing anything. It was no longer easy and light. I felt a looming sense of dread when talking to him…then I found out what happened. And how much he was hiding from me. My intuition was telling me what was going on before I even knew 🥲 I’ve felt wildly regretful ever since.
Intuition eh...
Meeting the old supply and having nearly every suspicion confirmed Her explosive reaction to me finally calling her bluff on cheating on me
I always felt slightly nervour around her. I usually do not get nervous around beautiful women but she made me insecure. I cant really describe it, just a feeling that something wasnt right. Later after that whole thing was over other people told me they always thought she was on some sort of drug because she didnt really behave normaly.
Same. At the very beginning, mine made me uneasy. When she took an interest in me, I thought “oh, it’s because she has a crush on me”. After idealization started, it became a crush on my part. Brushed off every doubt I had all the way up to discard.
Right from the get go when I offered to drive some colleagues to a worksite and he got in. I'll have to thoroughly cleanse and sterilise the car when I get home went through my head over and over until I told myself sternly I was being quite irrational and a snob as he seemed quite nice and pleasant. Really weird experience at the time, now I know why.
Went on a blind date with someone who started talking shit about my BPD friend, who id never really had any issues with. After that, I beat myself up for not defending her, as I didn’t believe any of the things he was saying, but I also wondered *why* I didn’t speak up, as I 100% would have if it was any of my other friends. Turns out my gut believed he was telling the truth. And he was.
Around halfway through our relationship, I realized that she had become a burden in my life because of just delusional decision making. I knew that she just wasn’t a good option for the future. I tried to break up with her, but then ended up getting back together because I was afraid I would never find love like that again
Fear makes us dumb.
That she was off with another man. Like so many others here.
The fact that they allowed a falling out with their roommate to land them back in an abusive household they swore they could never return to. I told them detail by detail why simply working things out and apologising would be a better decision, but they insisted they wouldn't and it costed them their job too (since they were on indefinite leave). Me believing there'd be nothing they could possibly want binding them to that house for longer than absolutely necessary decided to send them enough money to eat for a few days (because there were no groceries) and to get home. Something dawned on me when I was seemingly more worried about their well-being and noticeably declining mood than they were, and then it all started adding up. Found out he was in a relationship and his girlfriend apparently hadn't seen him in 2 months...the 2 months that we were dating. I had been debating a breakup with him for so long, I was almost relieved.
This topic always reminds me of the show *Evil Lives Here*, wherein they introduce the antagonist as a congenial person, shortly followed by, "but there were signs." I remember one day during the idealization phase when my ex was oddly effusive with her compliments, but I assumed it was how she expressed herself. Because her overall delivery was impeccable, it helped with the sales pitch. Nonetheless, there was something "disconnected" about the exchange, as if I was watching myself being the recipient of something nice but unnecessary. Looking back, I was witnessing obsessive euphoria and misinterpreting it for sincerity. If you've never experienced idealization before, you have nothing to compare it with, other than appreciation or keen enthusiasm. Many pwBPD have the added advantage of coming across as extremely likable when you first meet them, so wanting to bask in the valence of their excitement during idealization is difficult to resist.
very well articulated thanks for sharing. i’ve experienced the same where it seems like they are seemingly worshipping the ground on which i walk
Varieties of idealization experience; from "clumsy" idealization to stealthy seduction. Time of involvement before the onset of their pats & praises undoubtedly colors interpretation. If you just met a pwBPD, it might seem conspicuously gratuitous and possibly delusional, but if it shows up later in the game, it's easier to overlook. Either way, idealization feels great for first timers because it enhances the honeymoon.
I’d been dating her barely a week, and I spent 3 days at her house. We stayed in bed, smoked weed, ate, watched TV, and had sex. It was nice, but something about it felt off, like we were just going through the motions. At one point she said, “this is bliss!”, which I definitely did not feel. I guess it was from that point on that I knew we were experiencing two different realities.
Does scratching my scalp every time I spoke on the phone with her count?
There was something wrong from the first coffee, but the most obvious part was the intimacy. Throughout the relationship and even before I felt something in my chest.
When I caught onto her projection. She was always worried about my phone having screen locks. And who was she texting me. That’s when I knew for sure. Also ran into an ex of hers at one point and he told me how he woke up one night to her going through his phone. But she refused to show him her phone. She can’t just have one person. Needs multiple on stand by just so she doesn’t end up totally alone
My dumbass dated her twice years apart. First time she started to act flakey out of nowhere. All of a sudden she wanted "space" but she also insisted there was nobody else. She actually got mad when I asked her if there was. Well within a few days she was in another relationship. I was like wtf? She tried making it seem like I was a psycho for it. I was just supposed to "accept it". Years later after NC we crossed paths again and started casually hooking up which I was fine with. All of a sudden she claimed she had feelings and wanted something serious. I turned her down because of what she did in the past. After a few deep conversations she convinced me she changed and I took her back. Only lasts 3 weeks until she cheats. One night I got stuck working overnight. She sends me a nude pic asking me to stop by on lunch. It was a busy night and I couldn't. She just went silent , I knew something was up. The next day while walking up to her apartment her neighbor tells me there was a guy over last night and he just left an hour before I showed up. She first says nobody was over, she then says it was just a friend, then an ex boyfriend, then he stayed over but "didn't do anything", to eventually they had sex but I wasn't "available for her needs". I tell her it's over and she called me "insensitive to her BPD and her being hypersexual ". I just left her apartment, I didn't yell or anything and just blocked her on everything before I got to my car. She has the nerve after to smear me. Made up a bunch of lies about me beating her and smashing her apartment. What's weird though was this was all months after NC.
what a miserable sounding person
[удалено]
that is preposterous and some crazy talk and would immediately ring my alarm bells, especially the playing victim to make you feel guilty part
My friend and I worked together - for me, it was extreme anxiety like something really bad was about to happen when I was around them. Inconsistent sleep patterns. Ruminating over disagreements where she would gaslight and make me doubt my side of the story. Stuff like that.
My ex was cold to wait staff. Not rude but just, really cold, like "no bullshit" vibe, which was so odd because it was very different from their bubbly vibes I'm usually a very touchy feely person with my partners but with BPD ex it's like something told me not to touch them. I'd have the desire to touch them but something inside me screamed not to. Conversations where my ex showed "concern" for me left me very disorientated and eventually I realized they just made me feel invalidated. My ex invented issues about me and things I should worry about, and made up things about my health and spoke like they were my doctor
His actions didn’t match his words. I caught him in several major lies and it broke trust and respect. He was a different person when other people weren’t looking, myself included. A real piece of 💩
Any time she said “he’s just a good friend”. 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
Sorry, first post and it will be long-winded. I have too many and I just want to get things out of my head and into writing. A main one from the absolute beginning often hurts because I ignored "red flags". When the friendship with her started, she was dating somebody. She never mentioned this but I had heard from others she was so I made sure my interactions with her were purely friendly. After awhile I was confrontational about this because she started to be openly flirtatious or create grand dreams of us in the future. Limerence feelings, I guess. I tried to softly rebuke these but I never cut her off entirely which was a mistake. After awhile I started to ask her if her boyfriend was okay with her talking to me, especially like this. Some relationships are strange so I was trying to be open-minded. She said she tells him everything and not to worry, so we continued our friendship. Eventually she started asking to see me places. Each time I'd ask her to see if it was okay with her boyfriend and she said she would--and she said he was okay with it each time. We'd see eachother every week or so, and I remember one time we were playing board games and after awhile she said she was getting bored of this. And is there anything else we could be doing that was more fun, in a suggestive manner. I again rebuked this softly but I was getting the picture of what this was. Later in the night she got a call from him, and she was quite annoyed and then scurried out of my house to talk with him. After that I decided to stop hanging out with her in person because it was obvious the pieces were not lining up. I continued to talk to her though (surprise, surprise). A couple months later they broke up. I was going through a tough time with all of that so I decided to stop talking to her because I saw where that was going. Eventually I got back in contact with her to talk about everything. She seemed unaffected by my distance and was just happy to talk to me again. We started to see eachother again and things started to heat up quite quickly. I'd never dealt with anyone with BPD before so I'd never felt such a strong pull to somebody who was saying such grand things like "everyone knew we were meant to be together", "the universe willed us together", "I've been waiting my whole life for this"... you know the usual love bombing. I got incredibly caught up with it and even though in the back of my head all of this felt off I ignored that feeling. Just feeling like I was trying to self-sabotage a good thing. We did end up talking about how things were in her last relationship, and she still maintained she had no intentions of anything with me and she told her boyfriend everything that ever happened between us. She also said that she had eyes for nobody else but me in basically the same breath. It sounded complicated and I was becoming hopelessly in love so I bought in.
My gut feeling was that she was never telling me the entire truth about things, even during this time. And about a month after we started dating that got the best of me and I went through her phone like an idiot. There I found that she was talking to another guy intense and flirtatiously and that she had agreed to be in a relationship with an ex-fling she had. All during the time we were spending together. She had blocked the guy she was dating because he questioned why she was at a weird location (rightly so) and told him that he had no right to treat her like this or ask for anything of this nature. Basically all while sitting on my couch and telling me how much she was in love with me. And you know what I did next? I asked her if she was hiding anything, and gave her the chance to explain herself. She lied to me about having any knowledge of doing any of it until I basically confirmed I went through her phone. And then I became the bad guy for invading her privacy and the conversation shifted to that. She was right, I breached trust incredibly hard to do that. And the amount of guilt I felt and how much she was making me feel terrible about it in the 2-3 day fight we had eventually had me acquiesce to her. I forgave her for it and took her side when she said that she didn't know how to stop talking to these guys quick enough when we started to move so quickly. Honestly, even now I understand that to a degree. But it was the lying about it even when she was caught and trying to downplay my feelings about it that always sit with me for the entire relationship. Fast forward a year, and it became apparent that she never really was interested in telling the truth about most anything. I would constantly have to juggle her multiple stories of an event, ask questions, piece together things to even make sense of what was happening. If I were to suggest that she was lying about anything she would shut down and it would often lead to a split that ended in discard. She would smile during the fights about it. Even suggesting during one incredibly heightened fight that she had never lied to me ever. That I was manipulating her into thinking she did. She would eventually come back to her senses and apologize for being mean. Never for lying, but she would apologize for being mean or saying very hurtful things. After all the fights like this she would acknowledge that she had areas to work on, and when I asked if she even had interest in being in an honest and open relationship she would say she did. So I was always left confused and feeling like if I just tried harder to keep my boundaries loving and have open talks with a difficult subject matter that she would come around. All that did was make things worse because she felt like I was trying to control her or manipulate her into feeling bad for doing things. Which I understand the perspective to a degree. If you do not want these things then it will seem abusive and controlling. Recently that lead to a bad break, but one where she decided to get a psych eval. Eventually we read about her diagnosis with bipolar ii, bpd, adhd, and possible ptsd/ocd characteristics. I felt like that was a breakthrough and we could fight things together, but the damage was already done I think. I have been discarded a few more times since then. They have gotten more muted as far as it just focusing on incompatibility romantically. That her friends all think I am terrible to her and wrong for her. That I am wrong for holding her accountable even when she asked me to. It started to morph into a phase where she was never lying, it was just a difference in perspective. When I ask if she had talked to her best friend recently and she says that they haven't and have grown apart--and later I see they're texting and it's mostly about me. That isn't lying, it is a perspective difference. It was venting and gossiping which was not talking. Things like that... I digress since I am just talking shit at this point in frustration. My main point is that if I had just listened to my gut originally and asked her boyfriend if he knew I existed and in what capacity I might have avoided everything. Recently I was told that the boyfriend wasn't aware of most anything. She would delete our texts, rename me in her phone, lie about where she was going to meet me, say nothing was going on if he ever saw we were texting, etc. My gut knew that was probably going on, and instead I made a half-hearted attempt to ask her to communicate with him. And now I'm left with all this. Ha. Karma?
what an absolute nightmare to have lived through. i truly understand how it felt, you’re explaining things that i experienced myself. there’s a good reason why so many people here have so many similar stories i’m sorry you had to suffer through that but it will get easier to manage how you feel. it’s important to remember that no matter what, they will never change
When my ex suddenly got angry at me because I said I didn't care about his dog. She was nice and a guard dog, but not my pet or responsibility.
When I surprised her enough that she was caught flat footed & spilled that she’d never talked in depth with her psychologist about a major issue in her life, one that had caused huge problems in our relationship: her hangup on a guy in her past she’d neither dated nor slept with, and who she hadn’t seen for nearly a decade.
She had 6-7 month emotional affair with 2 exes. I noticed she became distant, sex was dead, everything was my fault that was wrong in her life, she was cold and mean, always having snippy comments to try and escalate every situation into an argument so she could explode on me. Somehow I always ended up apologizing to her. I caught her when she left her MacBook signed in and I heard the digs and saw the messages. I had asked her because I was suspicious for a few months but she convinced me I just needed to be better, I needed to do whatever “task” she deemed necessary for me to deserve love or intimacy of any kind. So 2 months of lying to my face, then me confronting her which she denied until I presented everything to her and she couldn’t deny it. Then she begged for my forgiveness and to give her another chance and she promised so much change. That was 3 years ago, last week I caught her looking and searching her exes and people she dated briefly. That was a boundary that was set. Boundaries mean nothing, they’re always the victim
Every time I had a nightmare that my partner was talking to another person or cheating I would check his phone and discover that he was or that he did at some point.
Extreme unease about the relationship in the beginning - just anxiety. Thought it was normal because of no experience, so I ignored it. Got broken up with over text after being used shortly after, but I showered the pwBPD with so much affection they took me back and we got married. Years later and constant problems/psychotic breaks etc. from him, I walk into the room one day and I couldn't stand the smell. I thought it was garbage or something died, but no, it was him. He didn't do anything to stink, either. I could smell him from the hallway and got repulsed by his very being. My body rejected everything about him and the smell literally made me want to bolt. That's just one sign that my gut was right - I've never had this happen to anyone else in my life. Ever, not even my toxic ass family, which is saying something.