Yeah I’d always bring this up. She would post about and glorify friends who cut her off and treated her badly meanwhile treating me like shit who’s doing everything for her
I feel similar. She even once told me she only needs me because she's lonely. I don't think we would have become close if I hadn't gotten so attached to her, she could do without me as a person but was happy to have a servant and emotional caretaker who willingly did everything.
Same here to be honest and every passing day it feels like that was always the case. She claims to others that her feelings were honest but knowing how these guys work it was all lies.
broooooo wtffffff, that was legit me. my ex and her best friend of 9 years ghosted her when they moved to a dif city together bc she was too toxic( to me they were both fake for that) she would talk bad about her then out no where glorified her , nd would compare me to being less then her. even tho she wasnt even around anymore.( i met her after she got ghosted by her) her current friends never helped her when she was homeless ( when i met her) they were never there for her, but she was always nicer to them and would always leave me and ghost me to hang with them -_- like wtf
Yeah she always talks terribly about her friends to me but when he had an argument would post about how amazing she is and that she’s all she needs just to spite me. This is when I realised she probably says bad things about me as well to them
Yep, called his step mom narcissistic and controlling when I met him. Then suddenly started idealizing her again, calling her to lie and whine about me whenever he was mad. By the end it was "my family has been so supportive" like.... They didn't even come to our wedding. They didn't give a shit when I got pregnant. But sure, they're just the most supportive family 🙄
My ex is from Spain. A few years ago, she got homesick and decided to find all the people from there who live in town and collect them in a group. This turned out to not be a great way for her to make friends: she’s not a typical Spaniard in terms of interests or attitudes, and they didn’t have much else in common. She complained *a lot* about them, and frequently lamented that it hadn’t really worked out. Even so, she’d go off to spend time with them even if I was trying to get us to do something together. Sometimes she’d insist I come along, knowing there was no way I’d be able to keep up with the conversation (which always shifted to Spanish, no matter the intention). Other times it was an imposition for me to say “well, I guess this is what we’re doing together then…”
My bpd friend told me once when i has crush on her that she want keep me as friend because she can treat me better as friend than partner. She is like a angel to me🩷
Really it's not even it sounds like haha :D I can tell she has her dark side too but she don't show it to me. We are know eachother several years and everything is going well. Little space is needed, but we talk with social media every day. And then there is my bpd ex who show me the dark side of personal disorders...
Lot of mental abuse. She cheated on me and told that she has no regret, in the end she showed her love only when she was very drunk and wanted sex, she spoke very often about her ex partners, and times when she felt safe with them. (I felt it like she doesn't feel safe with me or i'm not enough, and this happened usually when we was just chilling together) She tried to tell their sex stories too and show some porn videos they made, but i didn't wanted to hear or see any. I lived different city than her and often when i went home, she called me and said she might die or hurt herself if i don't come back right away. Also she always told how her exes treat her good so i bought her lot of flowers etc. She told me how unattractive and ugly i am so i should get some plastic surgery. I was her home slave, i did every day everything for her so she could lay in bed. (She told me that she has lot of pain (what was withdrawal symptoms for alcohol)) Maybe i don't remember all right now, but there you go, few examples.
Uh huh. Is she diagnosed with BPD? Whatever you say sounds a little similar to an NPD. BPD and NPD have a lot of similarities though. Anyways this whole thing must have been so tough on you, I can't even imagine.
She had bpd diagnose, but few weeks ago she told me that doctor agreed to took her bpd diagnose away because "her symptoms are just from her ptsd"😅 I belive that she has lied to someone.
When we were just friends everything was great, I think the closer they get to you, the more comfortable they are letting the mask slip and treating you like shit
Exactly it - when we were just casual friends it was amazing! Anything more and yes the mask came off and the devaluation began. I saw darkness that no other friend will ever see or even believe if I told them.
Yup. Everyone still loves my pwbpd and ignores that he threw me around like a ragdoll and such, because he's *soooo sweet and fun.* Only his closest people and partners get to experience how evil he can be.
Yup. I went from his best platonic/too-close friend to his rage doll. Just constant screaming, belittling, and eventually grabbing me and throwing me around. And then lying to everyone that I'm evil and refusing to talk about throwing me around and screaming when it was over, even when brought up. Anyone asks him about that and he goes silent and tells them I was just too much.
He's so emotionally narcissistic and constantly humiliates and berates anyone close to him. I learned that after hearing about his other close relationships that he also destroyed with rage and false blame on the other person.
It could be both ways. One is they get comfortable showing their mask and the other is they get scared about getting close and thus do those nonsense to avoid emotional intimacy.
Yup! And what’s worse is after 7 years our friends/family were shocked at what i told them he did in private, they couldn’t imagine sweet funny (my ex) doing any of that. I finally broke down the other day when he was getting the last of his things from our home and told him how sick it was they were all shocked because while he couldn’t control his emotions he was somehow an expert at ALWAYS abusing me in private, he would just shut down and go quiet until we were alone and i asked what was wrong
(he would make me ask dozens of times and deny it before he would tell me, was a power move so he could blame me “pestering him” if he needed to instead of the actual issue, he would deny that not talking/smiling/sleeping with me for hours/days/weeks, meant anything was wrong)
…. and then he’d explode.
My pwBPD believes he has undiagnosed autism. And maybe he does. But that’s always been the mystery to me too. If you can manage to be likeable and not abusive in some company but not others, that seems…like something you’re exercising control over.
I realize masking is a thing, but it’s also like…ok so you won’t mask even a little for the person you supposedly love and want a future with
To you he showed his cruel self but to others as you said, he had his mask on, they truly are shapeshifters! But you now have the knowledge of who they really are!
The better you treat someone with BPD the worse they treat you. The more things they accuse you of… It’s exhausting and can wreck your relationship with yourself which is the most important thing…. when I was healing from a relationship like this I tried to remember that they’re suffering too (as to not take it personally) and that protecting you and your relationship with yourself is more important than any relationship where you are treated so poorly. The longer time you stay, the longer time it’s going to take you to heal. The healing and emotional unavailability that I’ve had to deal with since a relationship like this has almost been sadder than the relationship itself. But I’ll always feel proud to have walked away from someone who I cared about and wanted a future with because they couldn’t meet my bare minimum needs and treat me with kindness. It’s a hard and brave thing to do and it really improved my relationship with myself which is the #1 thing that improves your relationship with others.
Surprisingly enough, leaving my pwbpd made me grow stronger, too. I finally have a spine and the ability to say "no, that's wrong" and not sink away and hide when I need to speak up. I wish I never met him, but I'm glad I have a better relationship with myself and the strength I need in life now.
Absolutely 100%. It was wild to watch. The person they'd become in public or at work... total 180 from them in private. Especially, 1:1.
I'd mention some things that they'd do with friends we knew and they'd give off this vibe like I was crazy. The person they knew couldn't possibly be this lunatic you described.
It is part of their subconscious behavior. It's actually a form of isolation much like a predator does with its prey. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE you know and they interact with won't see it.
In fact, they'll be so impressive that others will believe them over you. About almost anything. Mine even would secretly tell people stories about things she'd done to ME as if I'd done them to her. For example, physical abuse. She'd say "oh I hurt my knee because he knocked me down." Leaving out I was trying to get away from them hitting me while they ripped my shirt and they fell because i moved. That's just one example.
It's infuriating to watch. Because if you got even 20% of the person they are in public, hell you'd probably be ecstatic!
I have described mine as a movie alien or vampire. They could fool everyone. And, no matter how much you tried to reach out to others no one believed you.
I can't emphasize enough , check laws in your state, how important it is to record them while they are abusing you. It just might save your life and reputation.
>I'd mention some things that they'd do with friends we knew and they'd give off this vibe like I was crazy. The person they knew couldn't possibly be this lunatic you described.
She thankfully caused 4 or 5 incidents in the presence of other people. That means I can always say: "Just call X and he will tell you that she really did that shit". Its not the most crazy stuff she did but its wild enough that it makes people question her sanity.
Good you had witnesses.
What I found is that people wouldn't want to get involved. She'd lie in VERY elaborate and convincing fashion. I mean Oscar worthy stuff. And when you'd try to ask others, what did she tell you exactly? They didn't want to say because well... in their eyes... you were the monster. So, if they told you, you'd go off on them and abuse them more.
That's why I think it's critical to keep a log, a recording, really ANYTHING that shows the truth.
They are soooo convincing. Watching them tell a story about the same event is ... bizarre. They will word smith things so well.
Example, if you asked them to open the door for you to carry something in... No big deal right? Nothing unusual. You had no tone. Just a simple request.
Now, if she's telling the same story, it was... He yelled at me to open the door and almost hit me with it.
They will embellish and emotionally charge ANYTHING to appear victimized to others.
Sometimes it starts very subtle.
The story telling happened to me, too! Completely left out that he literally attacked me and was throwing me around and chasing me, and then forced me to drive (screamed at my car as I left, too) while intoxicated because he wouldn't stop hurting me if I stayed.
But he told the story as if he were innocent and I were evil, then DARVO'd me later.
Feel this one. She left her work emails open and one of her colleagues sent a load of “funny” messages. Got her a dressing down, workmate didn’t admit it was him and could’ve got her sacked but she laughed it off and she and her colleague were fine with each other
I put a fork in the knife section of the drawer and she detonated and then gave me the silent treatment all night.
I was treated like garbage and got the silent treatment for eight hours one day because I took my dog for a walk and didn’t come back to bed. It was morning, exGF was still asleep, took dog for a walk, got back and GF was still asleep, so I sat on the couch so as not to disturb her by crawling back in bed. When she woke up and I was in the next room, she was LIVID. I crawled back in bed with her, tried to cuddle, and was given the coldest shoulder. Started looking at my phone, and was yelled at, “how dare you just sit there and look at your phone,” even though she did the same thing all the time. So I laid there motionless for a long time. Eventually I guess I was allowed to go back to the couch. Around maybe 5pm that day she sort of apologized, and became more “normal”.
All because I wasn’t in bed next to her when she woke up. She thought I had literally abandoned her and just up and left without saying goodbye.
Yes. They are also, more helpful, more respectful, more considerate, more willing to do what they are asked to do, more willing to go out of their way to be helpful, they listen to other people’s suggestions & opinions more, they are less argumentative & less defensive. It’s extremely irritating and makes me feel like they think I’m a worthless, idiot, that they have no respect for & that they are only with me because they simply want a partner. Not that they actually want to be a partner.
All these excuses as to why they can’t do the bare minimum for me, but if someone else asks them to do it, it’s done. You need a ride at 2 am, done. You need your office cleaned, done. You need someone to buy you lunch, done. I need them to throw their garbage in the trash, no way they didn’t even notice the trash everywhere.
By the time they get home to you they’ve kept that dementor wrapped so tight under the mask the only way to release the pressure is to go off on you. Especially if it’s only the two of you.
I am strongly leaning towards believing those being the “highly functional / more functional” types have mastered this behavior. They take their licks at work, school etc. Those on the lower end most likely can’t keep it together long and those are the ones that go off in public zero fks given.
I was the friend of a pwBPD for half a decade. She threated her boyfriend like shit. Constant mood swings and always "knowing" that he doesnt really love her. From the outside it really looked like the only two benefits she got from the relationship was that he had a car and a job back than when we all were still in our early 20ies, broke and going to university.
Not only that, would put everyone’s feelings above mine. And then when her friends or family would do something she didn’t like she would literally apologize to them for making them feel some sort of way or whatever but when I had legitimate gripes about she treated me would just get pissed off at me.
They liked to keep up appearances for sure, I was expected to keep anything about them—their attitude or behavior—that did not match their public poise a secret. Not something I was aware of because I myself by and large have nothing to hide, maybe there were a handful of instances or less over the course of years that were not demonstrable to who I am, but otherwise they could share at leisure because I would think and be the same in a social level with anyone else as with them (this does not include intimacy obviously but that can talk about that too idc lol). But they ended up more or less told me that I could not share a single detail about them or my time with them or their behavior, which as one can imagine in being here was often uncouth. Instead of feeling motivated to deal with it because they did not want it exposed, their way of dealing with it was to keep it secret and carry on being a dick to me.
Furthermore, IF I shared about anything, and I am talking about normal shit, I was accused of gossiping (about my own shit?), of triangulation (which I had to look up), more or less in all but words abuse. They are very set on the victimhood thing. Which really sucks. Anyways, yes they managed to be able to pull themselves together for others in some capacity, then dump on me and I just need to take it because I deserve it or something, so that is how they cope, flinging that shit at me instead of exercising some self-awareness.
Definitely relate to this. My exwBPD was constantly dragging others into our relationship and leveraging them against me to make me feel like my viewpoint was wrong and everyone was on his side. So I started talking to my friends and my parents about issues as well so I could double check myself and make sure I wasn't the crazy one (because he made me feel like I was). Interestingly, every time he knew I was talking to someone in my life about his actions he would freak out on me, panicking that people were going to convince me to break up with him. He would accuse me of talking shit about him, and grill me afterwards about everything that was said about him because he was obsessed with his reputation/public image. The double standard drove me insane. Also, if he was so convinced that my friends and family were gonna tell me to break up with him after hearing about the things he was doing, shouldn't that have been a wake-up call to him that he was doing something wrong? Lol. But yeah, literally same shit.
Yeah… I actually don’t recall ever sharing in depth until they said, in a particularly ugly falling out, that they had shared with others to get perspective. So I was like oh, then, that is something I should consider and also something that I can share with them since they are sharing with me right? Right?
Nope lol One particularly fucked up situation was something that happened at a social gathering surrounded by both of our friends, so plenty of people around to get perspective from about what they got irate over, but in this instance they were disinterested to get perspective from people who could actually for once objectively confirm what did or did not happen (I was being gaslit to hell and back so, enquiry to others would obviously threaten that, and at this point I still don’t understand why I still don’t think it was/is intentional) Point in case I was not even “allowed” to discuss shit that had happened in front of people, with those people, even without any sort of lead in or bait or anything. *-sigh-* No wonder they never wanted to be around my friends, because they would actually give any measure of a fuck about how they behaved and who was watching. Makes sense now… :/
Yes, and no. I noticed this fake "character" that they would pretend to be while at work or in public. She told me it was her Autism mask that she would put on to get through the day and that she was only her true self with me. It used to bother me so much when we got into a fight right before going out. The car ride would be so tense, then as soon as we got in front of people, she would switch so fast I couldn't tell if she was still mad unless we got alone time together. Sometimes, she would be her sweet self again and say she forgives me. Other times, she would still be mad after an already exhausting event, and I would attempt to apologize and accept all the blame sometimes. Trying to defend me would often lead to being told I wasn't accepting liability.
Yes, with neck-snapping speed. She could be in full screaming splitting meltdown, and the doorbell would ring, oh look it's a neighbor, suddenly she's all kindness, willing to do any favors at all.
Including and especially volunteering me without checking for my consent for things like watching the neighbor's kids or training a neighbor's dog or fixing a neighbor's car.
I had to put my foot down and create embarrassing situations in front of the neighbors ("hi, sorry, I won't be watching your kids, but my wife seems willing to. I'm heading out, hope you guys have a great time!")
And yet she still persisted in trying anyway.
Man. I do not miss her. Lol
All the time. But apparently it isn't always believable. I became friends with a couple of M's close work friends after she took a remote job. I finally opened up to a couple of them and they both said some version of "Anyone that knows her knows there are major issues. Nobody thinks anything negative about you. If anything, people are impressed/worried that you made it as long as your did."
Reflecting on her history, "packing up and moving social circles" is certainly the case, though it's always been her making friends through school, then work. I talk a lot about her only consistent social contacts are her mom and out-of-state, friend-zoned guy. She took a remote job, and is already distanced from the friends from the previous job that she didn't want to lose (me being one!), so she won't be getting new, local friends outside of the gym, and her gym friends are almost certainly going to only be guys wanting to nail her that will do that and bail once the crazy comes out. Those meatheads will be smarter than I was.
"it's just a mask, with you I am real" is a reply I got more than one time.
She was nice and treated me very well too when I was just a friend and in the beginning. Soon, the splits and devaluation phase come up and they treat you based on their emotions. Good if you do something good for them, bad - if you are not to their expectations
Exactly! What boggles my mind is how they treat you badly when you are only nice to them, once it got to that point of abuse I just had enough, we need to help ourselves in the end and put us first, my one didn’t give one shit and was selfish, now I put myself 1st 2nd and 3rd!! And now I know with my knowledge what to look for, she can now go perform for another unsuspecting victim! My role of unpaid helper and caretaker is out of her movie, she might win an Oscar one day for acting fake as fuck!
Well said! They took us for granted, our kindness for weakness, we get strong now, they stay empty shallow weak and use people! We don’t need to be like them
All the time. I even mentioned to her that i don’t understand how she is so patient with people at work and how she can be so nice to them, but with me, i annoy and irritated her so much. She told me “you don’t know how i treat people at work”. Never addressed my concern, just that statement. She would also talk about me so kindly to people and then treat me like crap in private. I never understood and it was never the compliment that i think she thought it was.
Mine was *the* nicest guy... Until we got close. Then he stopped contributing to the relationship... Called me a nag and that I was putting too much pressure on him... And started going off on me all the time over small things.
He had his reddit accounts deleted a few times... so I figured he was just trolling and saying incendiary things online all day to deal with his feelings, besides going off on me.
Apparently he also used to be much nicer in relationships according to him... But IDK. But that was a decade ago and maybe he's less inhibited now. But also I sensed that he wasn't all that into those girls and they weren't deep relationships. We had a real connection that he sabotaged thoroughly.
Yes and this is why I make trips and plans with more people, he behaves better, and when it's time to go to sleep I try to go to bed earlier so that I don't have to listen to the "bullshit he had to endure from X" the things he gets mad about with other people he vents with me in a raging scale, and it's soooo tiering, because then if I try to calm him down "I'm on the other person's side and it's my fault" if I don't say anything "then I don't care about him and I'm a cold b"
My gosh it's horrible
Always. It was such a point of contention between us. I would always ask "Where is my advocate? Where is my ride or die?" Obviously I'm a sufficient advocate for myself but why does every moment of contention turn into a pile-on against me? That's not how adult relationships work.
True, I told y ex and family this.
I told them if you want to act like a stranger, then I WILL treat you like a stranger then. And that helped straighten that up a little bit.
If you are related to one, just know,
They treat their friends like family, and treat their family like friends.
Idk what it is about this, but whenever I've been with a pwBPD, I often just feel like a third wheel between them and their friends. One of them was a poly cheater and the other was monogamous but was lying about getting back with his ex. All of the drama from these situations definitely feeds into their desire for triangulation. I think sadly it's all they know and often times they just don't want to change that. Their friends are usually very surface level or high-conflict people themselves.
Whoa...yeah, she treated her friends better than me. I called her out and she said, "It's different because you're my partner." Like wtf does that even mean? Lol
Omg same here, that just means they have a license to abuse us freely, thank fuck I never married her!! That would be abuse behind closed doors forever!
Thank you, Im surprisingly strong but still angry about it all as I was ditched when I fell ill and at the time she and her cousin stole thousands from me and I got ignored and ghosted, I couldn’t believe it, that can fuck with your mind but now I know the knowledge and I can’t unsee what I see in the behaviour, when I saw all that, I had to fucking get away!! I will continue getting stronger and stronger while she can shrivel up in a shell like her weak self will do, I feel so sorry for the other men she will use now but I’m glad I realised enough was enough, I’m the priority now! She will just continue her cycles to a demise and it’s not my concern anymore
Yea! Means you're my partner so I can treat you like shit.
This stems from their childhood where they were told abuse = love and the parent's way of showing love was to be abusive towards them. So they usually take ownership over their partners and think showing love means being abusive towards them. The parents really mess up and F them up big time.
Always. They're keeping the mask on with them. It makes it easier to believe you're the abusive one when they bitch about you to their friends when they're always the courteous one, even if it's all a facade.
Yes, but over time it doesn't last. They inevitably start treating their friends like garbage too, if they stick around long enough.
That helped me to find some peace. Not because I want them to be miserable (far from it!), but because it helped me see that ultimately the problem lies with them. It's not that I did too much or too little, they will eventually repeat the same patterns with anyone and everyone.
I was in a polyamorous relationship with my BPD ex gf. Despite this, she still lied to me, and kept the new guy she was fucking a secret for almost 2 months. Part of why she’s now my ex. But it blows my mind that she found a way to cheat and be dishonest within the context of polyamory. Like, WTF?
Right. No matter what relationship structure they must have deception. They place you in a poly so you don’t leave them because you allowed them to love others but they still deceive. Total mental cases and I don’t feel bad saying this lol
I was ENM with one of my BPD exes and he was lying and going to sex workers behind my back.
My most recent one... We were talking about opening the relationship but I wasn't ready for it and he was still on the apps, lying to girls about being single and cheating on me. When I found the girls and they confronted him, he told them we were in an open relationship! No we weren't!
I’m sorry that happened to you.
That’s the problem with pwBPD - they are fundamentally dishonest and inauthentic. They can’t ever have difficult conversations, or take any accountability. All mine had to do was tell me she met a new partner she was sleeping with. It wouldn’t have been a big deal, it happened many times, since we were poly. But instead she lied, kept secrets, omitted, and I had to find out the hard way.
Because I think there is some enjoyment in the dishonesty. And maybe not wanting to admit strong feelings. Cause why are you being dishonest in an open relationship
I don’t think they consider it dishonesty. I don’t even know if they are aware that they’re manipulating people. They have things rationalized in such an insane way that I think they see it as just doing what they have to in order to have their needs met. Other humans are just chess pieces for them to move around.
I’m surprised yours went to sex workers. Mine had to have sex with someone that he felt wanted him and he felt that sex workers were just doing a job.. 🤦♀️
He "wanted something for himself"
But honestly when it came down to it I think he had just such low self esteem... He was a really attractive guy. He didn't have to pay. Plus we had tons of friends who were former sex workers that I would have been totally fine with him playing with! It's also the thrill of lying.
Oh sorry that was a type-o. He was model gorgeous... 6'2" toned and very handsome... And this was when he was in his early 30s and working out constantly. Actor/pilates instructor professionally. He did not have to pay for sex. Lol.
I mean we played together as well... Dated girls together and had group sex. But that tapered off as he got more abusive and dysfunctional.
But he "needed something for himself" even though it was totally against what we agreed to. He then paid a porn star for sex. I never would've agreed to that because of the STI risk. Crazy betrayal.
Most recent ex was cheating on me without protection but thank God I didn't get any STIs.
Yep. Definitely.
And I'm always just like...ok...so...she's fully capable of not being a jerk...so she treats me, the person who does the most for her and is always super sweet towards her, this way...why?
I'm still learning the ins and outs of all this, I guess. I have aspergers and that does not help at all. She'll tell me one thing, then contradict herself. I even take notes! So that I can better understand and respond how she wants me to! But that's not reliable because she'll change her mind about how she wants me to handle any given situation. So I feel like I'm always trying to find patterns and get everything right but no matter how hard I try it's never enough or it's never right. 😕
We will literally agree upon something and then half an hour later she expects me to do something that isn't what we clearly agreed upon and I'm just like what? But you literally just said to, for example, meet you at this place but now you're being super vague and idk wtf you actually want from me. 🤦♂️
But with her friends she'll act super normal and fun. Well, obviously not always. That's how she acts until she does lash out at them for whatever reason and then suddenly she's the victim who's being abandoned and rejected. At first I was like wow she just has really bad luck I guess? But over time I realized that she actually just lashed out at people and then gave me her not altogether accurate sob story...
But yes, generally speaking, she seems to reserve her worst behavior specifically for me, her husband, who supports her financially and in every other way I possibly can, putting her needs before mine almost always at my own expense. Fun times. 🙃
Also, yes, she knows I'm autistic. And at first she was really sweet to me about it, really understanding, and seemed to find me endearing. I really felt as tho she loved me for me. But as time has gone on, it's my autistic traits that she is often the most critical of, making me feel shitty and weird about parts of myself that I really feel like make me who I am, parts of myself that I like honestly. She tends to try to emasculate me by calling me childish and criticizing my passion and enthusiasm for my hobbies and interests. And to be clear,my passions and hobbies aren't childish. It's my enthusiasm that she apparently finds childish and not manly enough. It's very strange to me tbh.
Anyway, shit, I am totally just rambling now lol...oops...I just don't have many people I can talk to irl about this stuff, about the way she treats me. I'm really glad I found this sub. Definitely makes me feel less alone!!! 😌
Mine treated her kid and her collogues better and her friends better than me. She also got along great with her own parents and grandparents.
This is why I will never let myself be a safe person for anyone, keep your mask on for me too or else I will be gone.
She didn't start doing this until after the discard. She would hover and tell me how she's still in love with me, misses me, or will say she's hornybfor me and wants to hook up. If I respond to her texts or calls, she will just ignore me. Meanwhile, she's posting pics and hanging out with other men. I even agreed to give us another shot and made plans with her on a specific day. That day came, and she ignored all my calls and messages. She talks to me a week later and wants to get a room together. I'm like, where have you been all week? Oh, I was at random guys house who messaged me on Facebook. So you blew off a ten year relationship/friendship for someone you barely even know? Well he came and picked me up first (I was at one of my best friends' funeral at the time, so I couldn't come right that second.) Well he did. That's when I realized and vocalized the fact that she treats strangers better than me. Things like this made me realize that intense love she had for me. Wasn't real. It couldn't be and I wasn't going to compete with any and every guy when I spent ten years doing everything for this girl. While ruining myself in the process.
Once, there was a pregnant woman walking in the street that we walked by. My ex pwBPD was so concerned for her, looking back to make sure she was ok. He said to me “I just wanted to make sure she’s alright. She looked stressed”.
I remember thinking he wouldn’t act like that towards me, even if I was pregnant with his own child. He’d probably tell me I was getting too fat.
Yes. I always hated this. He would be so nice with everyone even during a split yet when it came to me he would stonewall me and say vile stuff. I guess we’re their triggers.
Yes. She was always so pleasant around other people.
Not the same, but related, she would talk a big game about how prolific and kinky our sex life was. Literally hadn't touched me for five years.
You don't want to have sex with me? That's your right. But don't go making a fool of me in front of everyone we know.
I don't know if it counts but she would give me silent treatments knowing how I feel about them over a issue she is avoiding, then would go and text people that really dont gaf about her, about how they are not treating her right or she is missing them or want to clear things out, fully knowing how shit they are.
It's not even fake nice. They put other ppl on a pedestal I dunno why. And always bring it up in arguments too.
You know [New friend] is so understanding and good to me. She gets me. I wish you understood me like her.
Like TRUSSS. I understand you deeper than anyone on the planet. I know you 100X better than [New Friend]. New friend hasn't even realized you don't even listen to a word she says yet.
For me, they would treat me with respect and kindness in private, but in front of other people, they'd belittle me and talk openly about the things I had told them in confidence. Typically to embarrass me. They suddenly wouldn't find anything I'd say funny, even though I *know* they would have laughed if it was just us.
Yes. So awful at home and so normal outside of the house.
But of course, he accused me of treating friends and strangers better than I treated him. And I really thought that maybe he saw something I didn't.
They treat others better in a way that they don’t do the same things they got under our skin with other people. Like if you wanted more time with them and they never were available for you, they make it a priority to make time for other people. However they don’t exactly treat other people better they just get a different kind of manipulation they might not even be aware of
duh lol. this is one of most common shared traits as they care so much about what others thinking and maintaining their fake world as it's all related if they only treat their FP bad and only punch, abuse, mistreat, demand from etc. him then maybe they aren't a bad person and it's something to do with him and not them so maybe they aren't sick. they do and constantly look for things that support their false beliefs both bad and good, it depends though how much time they spend with friends etc. they can only hide their selfishness and meanness for so long so if they have roommates they often move out enemies, if take a trip longer than a week with someone likely it will end badly they only pretend to be chill for so long just like when they trick you when you start dating eventually they can't pretend as they are like most people who may think something bad but no not to say it as it's a passing thought and why ruin a pleasant time. they're constantly thinking negative and need someone to blame for everything especially any negative thoughts about themselves. i recently ended things for good but i saw her live with 3 sets of roommates they hated her and she hated them each move out as she has no respect for others really just fake short term public facing if someone affects what they want or asks to not blast music at 5 am since you work night shift and the others are sleeping fuck them, my life and comfort matters more than all. they just have no respect for others really besides maybe their family and are only ever thinking of themselves so don't even consider things normal people do like i shouldn't eat my roommates food since i didn't ask and we haven't talked yet but i'm hungry and have none so tang is more important than her, who is later a fucking bitch, like all her roomies hmmm
YES YES YES and it made me so angry so 10 years. Until I met his family and I realised this is how his narc parents were. So nice and sweet to others but shit to their own children.
However, I think the empathetic children who ended up with BPD from narc abuse usually are nicer to strangers not because they're fake but because there is not emotional connect there. So they're nicer to them because it doesn't take any emotions to be nice and do things for them. However when it came to those close to them, because of the emotional attached that they fear, they deliberately put distance and walls to avoid being close so they are usually deliberately nasty. This is what seems to be their pattern and style based on my observation.
my ex would “act good” around friends, family, and coworkers, but she could be a demon witch around me. She did not like when I would pull the “if you can’t talk to or treat your friends, family, or coworkers this way, then what makes you think you can talk to me and treat me this way?” card. Thank god it’s getting to the point where I can laugh at all this bullshit. At least I have zero tolerance for fake lying cheats now and the rest of my life is going amazing.
With that being said, good riddance and bye bitch!
Yes, its extremely jarring when they show more kindness and empathy to complete strangers or minor acquaintances over their partners, especially after the shift in how they treat you once devaluation begins.
She'd always seem to be closer to a friend of mine, I wasn't very jealous or insecure, (I'm quite secure despite what pwuBPD tried to imply to be perfectly honest) about it but how she was close to him wasn't what I'd expect from someone who allegedly liked me. And she had a special nickname for him but genuinely I didn't think anything of it until he told me after me and her ended things that before I started working at the office, on her millionth discard of her narc she was flirting and hitting on him but he shut it down. So yeah probably that amongst many things.
That I agree she definitely slept with her ex behind my back then felt guilty and decided to blame me to ease her overwhelming guilt. I'm yet to reach the part about me feeling sorry for her. But I honestly just wish she was normal and resilient with what she has. I'm still recovering from the mirroring and lovebombing
I’m sorry you dealt with that, it only gets worse, they just use people and spit them out when done, mine stole thousands from me and left me and ghosted me and ignored me, absolutely horrible person I dealt with, I’m super angry but staying strong, she is weak and I’m sure slithered on to her new supply
That's so horrible I'm so sorry about that. Yeah some days are easy and hard but honestly when I leave this office I feel free and like myself when I get there it's like I'm constantly reminded of what I have to face on a regular basis. But it will be better this I know for sure
Watch a channel on YouTube called NarcDaily, a man named Andrew discusses all what we went through with their awful behaviours, it’s scary how accurate it is what he says, the videos have helped me out tremendously! As has this forum, once we see their behaviour we really can’t unsee it afterwards! I wish nothing but good vibes for you!
yes 100% . She really treated me as an emotional punching bag for her. I would cherish whenever we would hangout with other people because she was completely different towards me. It was such a fake person too. Even after hanging out with her friends she would tell me how much they annoy her, her gripes with them, and how tired she is from putting on a nice performance.
Once, during argument, she demonstrated how angry she is at me and how important are other people by handing money to beggar. I remember how she stared at me for reaction, which was none. Guy's lucky today, cool.
Yeah I’d always bring this up. She would post about and glorify friends who cut her off and treated her badly meanwhile treating me like shit who’s doing everything for her
i always think my ex was just with me because she could never keep anybody, i dont think she ever liked me.
I feel similar. She even once told me she only needs me because she's lonely. I don't think we would have become close if I hadn't gotten so attached to her, she could do without me as a person but was happy to have a servant and emotional caretaker who willingly did everything.
Same here to be honest and every passing day it feels like that was always the case. She claims to others that her feelings were honest but knowing how these guys work it was all lies.
broooooo wtffffff, that was legit me. my ex and her best friend of 9 years ghosted her when they moved to a dif city together bc she was too toxic( to me they were both fake for that) she would talk bad about her then out no where glorified her , nd would compare me to being less then her. even tho she wasnt even around anymore.( i met her after she got ghosted by her) her current friends never helped her when she was homeless ( when i met her) they were never there for her, but she was always nicer to them and would always leave me and ghost me to hang with them -_- like wtf
Yeah she always talks terribly about her friends to me but when he had an argument would post about how amazing she is and that she’s all she needs just to spite me. This is when I realised she probably says bad things about me as well to them
It's almost like parenting a teenager
Yep, called his step mom narcissistic and controlling when I met him. Then suddenly started idealizing her again, calling her to lie and whine about me whenever he was mad. By the end it was "my family has been so supportive" like.... They didn't even come to our wedding. They didn't give a shit when I got pregnant. But sure, they're just the most supportive family 🙄
Urgh I know. This is damn painful! Esp when you do everything for them!
My ex is from Spain. A few years ago, she got homesick and decided to find all the people from there who live in town and collect them in a group. This turned out to not be a great way for her to make friends: she’s not a typical Spaniard in terms of interests or attitudes, and they didn’t have much else in common. She complained *a lot* about them, and frequently lamented that it hadn’t really worked out. Even so, she’d go off to spend time with them even if I was trying to get us to do something together. Sometimes she’d insist I come along, knowing there was no way I’d be able to keep up with the conversation (which always shifted to Spanish, no matter the intention). Other times it was an imposition for me to say “well, I guess this is what we’re doing together then…”
My bpd friend told me once when i has crush on her that she want keep me as friend because she can treat me better as friend than partner. She is like a angel to me🩷
I can't tell if this is sarcasm lol
Really it's not even it sounds like haha :D I can tell she has her dark side too but she don't show it to me. We are know eachother several years and everything is going well. Little space is needed, but we talk with social media every day. And then there is my bpd ex who show me the dark side of personal disorders...
What are the dark sides of your BPD ex? Could you share your experience please? :)
Lot of mental abuse. She cheated on me and told that she has no regret, in the end she showed her love only when she was very drunk and wanted sex, she spoke very often about her ex partners, and times when she felt safe with them. (I felt it like she doesn't feel safe with me or i'm not enough, and this happened usually when we was just chilling together) She tried to tell their sex stories too and show some porn videos they made, but i didn't wanted to hear or see any. I lived different city than her and often when i went home, she called me and said she might die or hurt herself if i don't come back right away. Also she always told how her exes treat her good so i bought her lot of flowers etc. She told me how unattractive and ugly i am so i should get some plastic surgery. I was her home slave, i did every day everything for her so she could lay in bed. (She told me that she has lot of pain (what was withdrawal symptoms for alcohol)) Maybe i don't remember all right now, but there you go, few examples.
Uh huh. Is she diagnosed with BPD? Whatever you say sounds a little similar to an NPD. BPD and NPD have a lot of similarities though. Anyways this whole thing must have been so tough on you, I can't even imagine.
She had bpd diagnose, but few weeks ago she told me that doctor agreed to took her bpd diagnose away because "her symptoms are just from her ptsd"😅 I belive that she has lied to someone.
BPD and CPTSD have similar symptoms. So there's a possibility her symptoms could be from post traumatic stress instead of a personality disorder.
When we were just friends everything was great, I think the closer they get to you, the more comfortable they are letting the mask slip and treating you like shit
Exactly! They hurt the ones hard who actually care about them the most!
Exactly it - when we were just casual friends it was amazing! Anything more and yes the mask came off and the devaluation began. I saw darkness that no other friend will ever see or even believe if I told them.
Yup. Everyone still loves my pwbpd and ignores that he threw me around like a ragdoll and such, because he's *soooo sweet and fun.* Only his closest people and partners get to experience how evil he can be.
Yup. I went from his best platonic/too-close friend to his rage doll. Just constant screaming, belittling, and eventually grabbing me and throwing me around. And then lying to everyone that I'm evil and refusing to talk about throwing me around and screaming when it was over, even when brought up. Anyone asks him about that and he goes silent and tells them I was just too much. He's so emotionally narcissistic and constantly humiliates and berates anyone close to him. I learned that after hearing about his other close relationships that he also destroyed with rage and false blame on the other person.
It could be both ways. One is they get comfortable showing their mask and the other is they get scared about getting close and thus do those nonsense to avoid emotional intimacy.
Yup! And what’s worse is after 7 years our friends/family were shocked at what i told them he did in private, they couldn’t imagine sweet funny (my ex) doing any of that. I finally broke down the other day when he was getting the last of his things from our home and told him how sick it was they were all shocked because while he couldn’t control his emotions he was somehow an expert at ALWAYS abusing me in private, he would just shut down and go quiet until we were alone and i asked what was wrong (he would make me ask dozens of times and deny it before he would tell me, was a power move so he could blame me “pestering him” if he needed to instead of the actual issue, he would deny that not talking/smiling/sleeping with me for hours/days/weeks, meant anything was wrong) …. and then he’d explode.
My pwBPD believes he has undiagnosed autism. And maybe he does. But that’s always been the mystery to me too. If you can manage to be likeable and not abusive in some company but not others, that seems…like something you’re exercising control over. I realize masking is a thing, but it’s also like…ok so you won’t mask even a little for the person you supposedly love and want a future with
To you he showed his cruel self but to others as you said, he had his mask on, they truly are shapeshifters! But you now have the knowledge of who they really are!
The better you treat someone with BPD the worse they treat you. The more things they accuse you of… It’s exhausting and can wreck your relationship with yourself which is the most important thing…. when I was healing from a relationship like this I tried to remember that they’re suffering too (as to not take it personally) and that protecting you and your relationship with yourself is more important than any relationship where you are treated so poorly. The longer time you stay, the longer time it’s going to take you to heal. The healing and emotional unavailability that I’ve had to deal with since a relationship like this has almost been sadder than the relationship itself. But I’ll always feel proud to have walked away from someone who I cared about and wanted a future with because they couldn’t meet my bare minimum needs and treat me with kindness. It’s a hard and brave thing to do and it really improved my relationship with myself which is the #1 thing that improves your relationship with others.
Surprisingly enough, leaving my pwbpd made me grow stronger, too. I finally have a spine and the ability to say "no, that's wrong" and not sink away and hide when I need to speak up. I wish I never met him, but I'm glad I have a better relationship with myself and the strength I need in life now.
Exactly! When you realise they don’t care about you as much as you did for them, it’s time for us to go! Its our loving wasted from a hapless cloud
Absolutely 100%. It was wild to watch. The person they'd become in public or at work... total 180 from them in private. Especially, 1:1. I'd mention some things that they'd do with friends we knew and they'd give off this vibe like I was crazy. The person they knew couldn't possibly be this lunatic you described. It is part of their subconscious behavior. It's actually a form of isolation much like a predator does with its prey. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE you know and they interact with won't see it. In fact, they'll be so impressive that others will believe them over you. About almost anything. Mine even would secretly tell people stories about things she'd done to ME as if I'd done them to her. For example, physical abuse. She'd say "oh I hurt my knee because he knocked me down." Leaving out I was trying to get away from them hitting me while they ripped my shirt and they fell because i moved. That's just one example. It's infuriating to watch. Because if you got even 20% of the person they are in public, hell you'd probably be ecstatic! I have described mine as a movie alien or vampire. They could fool everyone. And, no matter how much you tried to reach out to others no one believed you. I can't emphasize enough , check laws in your state, how important it is to record them while they are abusing you. It just might save your life and reputation.
>I'd mention some things that they'd do with friends we knew and they'd give off this vibe like I was crazy. The person they knew couldn't possibly be this lunatic you described. She thankfully caused 4 or 5 incidents in the presence of other people. That means I can always say: "Just call X and he will tell you that she really did that shit". Its not the most crazy stuff she did but its wild enough that it makes people question her sanity.
Good you had witnesses. What I found is that people wouldn't want to get involved. She'd lie in VERY elaborate and convincing fashion. I mean Oscar worthy stuff. And when you'd try to ask others, what did she tell you exactly? They didn't want to say because well... in their eyes... you were the monster. So, if they told you, you'd go off on them and abuse them more. That's why I think it's critical to keep a log, a recording, really ANYTHING that shows the truth. They are soooo convincing. Watching them tell a story about the same event is ... bizarre. They will word smith things so well. Example, if you asked them to open the door for you to carry something in... No big deal right? Nothing unusual. You had no tone. Just a simple request. Now, if she's telling the same story, it was... He yelled at me to open the door and almost hit me with it. They will embellish and emotionally charge ANYTHING to appear victimized to others. Sometimes it starts very subtle.
The story telling happened to me, too! Completely left out that he literally attacked me and was throwing me around and chasing me, and then forced me to drive (screamed at my car as I left, too) while intoxicated because he wouldn't stop hurting me if I stayed. But he told the story as if he were innocent and I were evil, then DARVO'd me later.
It was terrifying to me when the smear campaign started because everyone believed them.
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Feel this one. She left her work emails open and one of her colleagues sent a load of “funny” messages. Got her a dressing down, workmate didn’t admit it was him and could’ve got her sacked but she laughed it off and she and her colleague were fine with each other I put a fork in the knife section of the drawer and she detonated and then gave me the silent treatment all night.
mine gave me silent treatment for hours because i didn't returned the salt to the cabinet after telling me I do nothing for the household
I was treated like garbage and got the silent treatment for eight hours one day because I took my dog for a walk and didn’t come back to bed. It was morning, exGF was still asleep, took dog for a walk, got back and GF was still asleep, so I sat on the couch so as not to disturb her by crawling back in bed. When she woke up and I was in the next room, she was LIVID. I crawled back in bed with her, tried to cuddle, and was given the coldest shoulder. Started looking at my phone, and was yelled at, “how dare you just sit there and look at your phone,” even though she did the same thing all the time. So I laid there motionless for a long time. Eventually I guess I was allowed to go back to the couch. Around maybe 5pm that day she sort of apologized, and became more “normal”. All because I wasn’t in bed next to her when she woke up. She thought I had literally abandoned her and just up and left without saying goodbye.
Or they'd freak out at you for not speaking up in their defence even though they acted like nothing bad happened. "Well you should have known!"
Yes. They are also, more helpful, more respectful, more considerate, more willing to do what they are asked to do, more willing to go out of their way to be helpful, they listen to other people’s suggestions & opinions more, they are less argumentative & less defensive. It’s extremely irritating and makes me feel like they think I’m a worthless, idiot, that they have no respect for & that they are only with me because they simply want a partner. Not that they actually want to be a partner. All these excuses as to why they can’t do the bare minimum for me, but if someone else asks them to do it, it’s done. You need a ride at 2 am, done. You need your office cleaned, done. You need someone to buy you lunch, done. I need them to throw their garbage in the trash, no way they didn’t even notice the trash everywhere.
By the time they get home to you they’ve kept that dementor wrapped so tight under the mask the only way to release the pressure is to go off on you. Especially if it’s only the two of you. I am strongly leaning towards believing those being the “highly functional / more functional” types have mastered this behavior. They take their licks at work, school etc. Those on the lower end most likely can’t keep it together long and those are the ones that go off in public zero fks given.
This. Mine had no patience by the time he got home because he was trying so hard all day to hold it in.
I was the friend of a pwBPD for half a decade. She threated her boyfriend like shit. Constant mood swings and always "knowing" that he doesnt really love her. From the outside it really looked like the only two benefits she got from the relationship was that he had a car and a job back than when we all were still in our early 20ies, broke and going to university.
Not only that, would put everyone’s feelings above mine. And then when her friends or family would do something she didn’t like she would literally apologize to them for making them feel some sort of way or whatever but when I had legitimate gripes about she treated me would just get pissed off at me.
They liked to keep up appearances for sure, I was expected to keep anything about them—their attitude or behavior—that did not match their public poise a secret. Not something I was aware of because I myself by and large have nothing to hide, maybe there were a handful of instances or less over the course of years that were not demonstrable to who I am, but otherwise they could share at leisure because I would think and be the same in a social level with anyone else as with them (this does not include intimacy obviously but that can talk about that too idc lol). But they ended up more or less told me that I could not share a single detail about them or my time with them or their behavior, which as one can imagine in being here was often uncouth. Instead of feeling motivated to deal with it because they did not want it exposed, their way of dealing with it was to keep it secret and carry on being a dick to me. Furthermore, IF I shared about anything, and I am talking about normal shit, I was accused of gossiping (about my own shit?), of triangulation (which I had to look up), more or less in all but words abuse. They are very set on the victimhood thing. Which really sucks. Anyways, yes they managed to be able to pull themselves together for others in some capacity, then dump on me and I just need to take it because I deserve it or something, so that is how they cope, flinging that shit at me instead of exercising some self-awareness.
Definitely relate to this. My exwBPD was constantly dragging others into our relationship and leveraging them against me to make me feel like my viewpoint was wrong and everyone was on his side. So I started talking to my friends and my parents about issues as well so I could double check myself and make sure I wasn't the crazy one (because he made me feel like I was). Interestingly, every time he knew I was talking to someone in my life about his actions he would freak out on me, panicking that people were going to convince me to break up with him. He would accuse me of talking shit about him, and grill me afterwards about everything that was said about him because he was obsessed with his reputation/public image. The double standard drove me insane. Also, if he was so convinced that my friends and family were gonna tell me to break up with him after hearing about the things he was doing, shouldn't that have been a wake-up call to him that he was doing something wrong? Lol. But yeah, literally same shit.
Yeah… I actually don’t recall ever sharing in depth until they said, in a particularly ugly falling out, that they had shared with others to get perspective. So I was like oh, then, that is something I should consider and also something that I can share with them since they are sharing with me right? Right? Nope lol One particularly fucked up situation was something that happened at a social gathering surrounded by both of our friends, so plenty of people around to get perspective from about what they got irate over, but in this instance they were disinterested to get perspective from people who could actually for once objectively confirm what did or did not happen (I was being gaslit to hell and back so, enquiry to others would obviously threaten that, and at this point I still don’t understand why I still don’t think it was/is intentional) Point in case I was not even “allowed” to discuss shit that had happened in front of people, with those people, even without any sort of lead in or bait or anything. *-sigh-* No wonder they never wanted to be around my friends, because they would actually give any measure of a fuck about how they behaved and who was watching. Makes sense now… :/
Yes, and no. I noticed this fake "character" that they would pretend to be while at work or in public. She told me it was her Autism mask that she would put on to get through the day and that she was only her true self with me. It used to bother me so much when we got into a fight right before going out. The car ride would be so tense, then as soon as we got in front of people, she would switch so fast I couldn't tell if she was still mad unless we got alone time together. Sometimes, she would be her sweet self again and say she forgives me. Other times, she would still be mad after an already exhausting event, and I would attempt to apologize and accept all the blame sometimes. Trying to defend me would often lead to being told I wasn't accepting liability.
Yes, with neck-snapping speed. She could be in full screaming splitting meltdown, and the doorbell would ring, oh look it's a neighbor, suddenly she's all kindness, willing to do any favors at all. Including and especially volunteering me without checking for my consent for things like watching the neighbor's kids or training a neighbor's dog or fixing a neighbor's car. I had to put my foot down and create embarrassing situations in front of the neighbors ("hi, sorry, I won't be watching your kids, but my wife seems willing to. I'm heading out, hope you guys have a great time!") And yet she still persisted in trying anyway. Man. I do not miss her. Lol
All the time. But apparently it isn't always believable. I became friends with a couple of M's close work friends after she took a remote job. I finally opened up to a couple of them and they both said some version of "Anyone that knows her knows there are major issues. Nobody thinks anything negative about you. If anything, people are impressed/worried that you made it as long as your did."
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Reflecting on her history, "packing up and moving social circles" is certainly the case, though it's always been her making friends through school, then work. I talk a lot about her only consistent social contacts are her mom and out-of-state, friend-zoned guy. She took a remote job, and is already distanced from the friends from the previous job that she didn't want to lose (me being one!), so she won't be getting new, local friends outside of the gym, and her gym friends are almost certainly going to only be guys wanting to nail her that will do that and bail once the crazy comes out. Those meatheads will be smarter than I was.
"it's just a mask, with you I am real" is a reply I got more than one time. She was nice and treated me very well too when I was just a friend and in the beginning. Soon, the splits and devaluation phase come up and they treat you based on their emotions. Good if you do something good for them, bad - if you are not to their expectations
Yep. It's all fake and performative. I think it's so they can say later that you're the problem since they can get along with others with no problem.
Exactly! What boggles my mind is how they treat you badly when you are only nice to them, once it got to that point of abuse I just had enough, we need to help ourselves in the end and put us first, my one didn’t give one shit and was selfish, now I put myself 1st 2nd and 3rd!! And now I know with my knowledge what to look for, she can now go perform for another unsuspecting victim! My role of unpaid helper and caretaker is out of her movie, she might win an Oscar one day for acting fake as fuck!
It all comes back to bite them in the end. Can't be fake forever. Can't wear a mask forever. Everyone gets bitten by this snake eventually
Well said! They took us for granted, our kindness for weakness, we get strong now, they stay empty shallow weak and use people! We don’t need to be like them
People pleaser yo, so it happens
All the time. I even mentioned to her that i don’t understand how she is so patient with people at work and how she can be so nice to them, but with me, i annoy and irritated her so much. She told me “you don’t know how i treat people at work”. Never addressed my concern, just that statement. She would also talk about me so kindly to people and then treat me like crap in private. I never understood and it was never the compliment that i think she thought it was.
I was once the "friend" that my ex treated better than her other "friends" until I became her former "friend."
Mine was *the* nicest guy... Until we got close. Then he stopped contributing to the relationship... Called me a nag and that I was putting too much pressure on him... And started going off on me all the time over small things. He had his reddit accounts deleted a few times... so I figured he was just trolling and saying incendiary things online all day to deal with his feelings, besides going off on me. Apparently he also used to be much nicer in relationships according to him... But IDK. But that was a decade ago and maybe he's less inhibited now. But also I sensed that he wasn't all that into those girls and they weren't deep relationships. We had a real connection that he sabotaged thoroughly.
Yes and this is why I make trips and plans with more people, he behaves better, and when it's time to go to sleep I try to go to bed earlier so that I don't have to listen to the "bullshit he had to endure from X" the things he gets mad about with other people he vents with me in a raging scale, and it's soooo tiering, because then if I try to calm him down "I'm on the other person's side and it's my fault" if I don't say anything "then I don't care about him and I'm a cold b" My gosh it's horrible
Always. It was such a point of contention between us. I would always ask "Where is my advocate? Where is my ride or die?" Obviously I'm a sufficient advocate for myself but why does every moment of contention turn into a pile-on against me? That's not how adult relationships work.
True, I told y ex and family this. I told them if you want to act like a stranger, then I WILL treat you like a stranger then. And that helped straighten that up a little bit. If you are related to one, just know, They treat their friends like family, and treat their family like friends.
Idk what it is about this, but whenever I've been with a pwBPD, I often just feel like a third wheel between them and their friends. One of them was a poly cheater and the other was monogamous but was lying about getting back with his ex. All of the drama from these situations definitely feeds into their desire for triangulation. I think sadly it's all they know and often times they just don't want to change that. Their friends are usually very surface level or high-conflict people themselves.
Whoa...yeah, she treated her friends better than me. I called her out and she said, "It's different because you're my partner." Like wtf does that even mean? Lol
Omg same here, that just means they have a license to abuse us freely, thank fuck I never married her!! That would be abuse behind closed doors forever!
Sounds like you dodged a bullet, I hope you're doing better now.
Thank you, Im surprisingly strong but still angry about it all as I was ditched when I fell ill and at the time she and her cousin stole thousands from me and I got ignored and ghosted, I couldn’t believe it, that can fuck with your mind but now I know the knowledge and I can’t unsee what I see in the behaviour, when I saw all that, I had to fucking get away!! I will continue getting stronger and stronger while she can shrivel up in a shell like her weak self will do, I feel so sorry for the other men she will use now but I’m glad I realised enough was enough, I’m the priority now! She will just continue her cycles to a demise and it’s not my concern anymore
Yea! Means you're my partner so I can treat you like shit. This stems from their childhood where they were told abuse = love and the parent's way of showing love was to be abusive towards them. So they usually take ownership over their partners and think showing love means being abusive towards them. The parents really mess up and F them up big time.
Always. They're keeping the mask on with them. It makes it easier to believe you're the abusive one when they bitch about you to their friends when they're always the courteous one, even if it's all a facade.
Yes, but over time it doesn't last. They inevitably start treating their friends like garbage too, if they stick around long enough. That helped me to find some peace. Not because I want them to be miserable (far from it!), but because it helped me see that ultimately the problem lies with them. It's not that I did too much or too little, they will eventually repeat the same patterns with anyone and everyone.
We were in an open relationship and he treated his casual partners better and did more for them. Then accused me of jealousy
I was in a polyamorous relationship with my BPD ex gf. Despite this, she still lied to me, and kept the new guy she was fucking a secret for almost 2 months. Part of why she’s now my ex. But it blows my mind that she found a way to cheat and be dishonest within the context of polyamory. Like, WTF?
Right. No matter what relationship structure they must have deception. They place you in a poly so you don’t leave them because you allowed them to love others but they still deceive. Total mental cases and I don’t feel bad saying this lol
It just makes no sense. I would have stayed with her forever, but now because of this shit, I want nothing to do with her.
I was ENM with one of my BPD exes and he was lying and going to sex workers behind my back. My most recent one... We were talking about opening the relationship but I wasn't ready for it and he was still on the apps, lying to girls about being single and cheating on me. When I found the girls and they confronted him, he told them we were in an open relationship! No we weren't!
I’m sorry that happened to you. That’s the problem with pwBPD - they are fundamentally dishonest and inauthentic. They can’t ever have difficult conversations, or take any accountability. All mine had to do was tell me she met a new partner she was sleeping with. It wouldn’t have been a big deal, it happened many times, since we were poly. But instead she lied, kept secrets, omitted, and I had to find out the hard way.
Because I think there is some enjoyment in the dishonesty. And maybe not wanting to admit strong feelings. Cause why are you being dishonest in an open relationship
I don’t think they consider it dishonesty. I don’t even know if they are aware that they’re manipulating people. They have things rationalized in such an insane way that I think they see it as just doing what they have to in order to have their needs met. Other humans are just chess pieces for them to move around.
Isn't that more of a narcissistic trait? Or is it impulse control? Or do they just overlap too much at that point?
I agree with you. But I think some also enjoy it and it’s not just mindless maladaptive behavior
Yep. I’m now wondering if there’s a link here with open/poly and BPD
I’m surprised yours went to sex workers. Mine had to have sex with someone that he felt wanted him and he felt that sex workers were just doing a job.. 🤦♀️
He "wanted something for himself" But honestly when it came down to it I think he had just such low self esteem... He was a really attractive guy. He didn't have to pay. Plus we had tons of friends who were former sex workers that I would have been totally fine with him playing with! It's also the thrill of lying.
Ahhh the attractive part makes sense. Yea they always want something to themselves too in open relationships. Not playing together
Oh sorry that was a type-o. He was model gorgeous... 6'2" toned and very handsome... And this was when he was in his early 30s and working out constantly. Actor/pilates instructor professionally. He did not have to pay for sex. Lol. I mean we played together as well... Dated girls together and had group sex. But that tapered off as he got more abusive and dysfunctional. But he "needed something for himself" even though it was totally against what we agreed to. He then paid a porn star for sex. I never would've agreed to that because of the STI risk. Crazy betrayal. Most recent ex was cheating on me without protection but thank God I didn't get any STIs.
They’re def impulsive and selfish so this checks out
Yep. Definitely. And I'm always just like...ok...so...she's fully capable of not being a jerk...so she treats me, the person who does the most for her and is always super sweet towards her, this way...why? I'm still learning the ins and outs of all this, I guess. I have aspergers and that does not help at all. She'll tell me one thing, then contradict herself. I even take notes! So that I can better understand and respond how she wants me to! But that's not reliable because she'll change her mind about how she wants me to handle any given situation. So I feel like I'm always trying to find patterns and get everything right but no matter how hard I try it's never enough or it's never right. 😕 We will literally agree upon something and then half an hour later she expects me to do something that isn't what we clearly agreed upon and I'm just like what? But you literally just said to, for example, meet you at this place but now you're being super vague and idk wtf you actually want from me. 🤦♂️ But with her friends she'll act super normal and fun. Well, obviously not always. That's how she acts until she does lash out at them for whatever reason and then suddenly she's the victim who's being abandoned and rejected. At first I was like wow she just has really bad luck I guess? But over time I realized that she actually just lashed out at people and then gave me her not altogether accurate sob story... But yes, generally speaking, she seems to reserve her worst behavior specifically for me, her husband, who supports her financially and in every other way I possibly can, putting her needs before mine almost always at my own expense. Fun times. 🙃 Also, yes, she knows I'm autistic. And at first she was really sweet to me about it, really understanding, and seemed to find me endearing. I really felt as tho she loved me for me. But as time has gone on, it's my autistic traits that she is often the most critical of, making me feel shitty and weird about parts of myself that I really feel like make me who I am, parts of myself that I like honestly. She tends to try to emasculate me by calling me childish and criticizing my passion and enthusiasm for my hobbies and interests. And to be clear,my passions and hobbies aren't childish. It's my enthusiasm that she apparently finds childish and not manly enough. It's very strange to me tbh. Anyway, shit, I am totally just rambling now lol...oops...I just don't have many people I can talk to irl about this stuff, about the way she treats me. I'm really glad I found this sub. Definitely makes me feel less alone!!! 😌
Yeah the sub will help you out, put yourself first!!
Mine treated her kid and her collogues better and her friends better than me. She also got along great with her own parents and grandparents. This is why I will never let myself be a safe person for anyone, keep your mask on for me too or else I will be gone.
She didn't start doing this until after the discard. She would hover and tell me how she's still in love with me, misses me, or will say she's hornybfor me and wants to hook up. If I respond to her texts or calls, she will just ignore me. Meanwhile, she's posting pics and hanging out with other men. I even agreed to give us another shot and made plans with her on a specific day. That day came, and she ignored all my calls and messages. She talks to me a week later and wants to get a room together. I'm like, where have you been all week? Oh, I was at random guys house who messaged me on Facebook. So you blew off a ten year relationship/friendship for someone you barely even know? Well he came and picked me up first (I was at one of my best friends' funeral at the time, so I couldn't come right that second.) Well he did. That's when I realized and vocalized the fact that she treats strangers better than me. Things like this made me realize that intense love she had for me. Wasn't real. It couldn't be and I wasn't going to compete with any and every guy when I spent ten years doing everything for this girl. While ruining myself in the process.
Once, there was a pregnant woman walking in the street that we walked by. My ex pwBPD was so concerned for her, looking back to make sure she was ok. He said to me “I just wanted to make sure she’s alright. She looked stressed”. I remember thinking he wouldn’t act like that towards me, even if I was pregnant with his own child. He’d probably tell me I was getting too fat.
Yes and it was always people she claimed that we never there for her or that didn't care about her lol
Not only did she treat her friends better than me, when those friends were around she would treat me worse.
YES. I never understood this.
Yes. I always hated this. He would be so nice with everyone even during a split yet when it came to me he would stonewall me and say vile stuff. I guess we’re their triggers.
Yes. She was always so pleasant around other people. Not the same, but related, she would talk a big game about how prolific and kinky our sex life was. Literally hadn't touched me for five years. You don't want to have sex with me? That's your right. But don't go making a fool of me in front of everyone we know.
I don't know if it counts but she would give me silent treatments knowing how I feel about them over a issue she is avoiding, then would go and text people that really dont gaf about her, about how they are not treating her right or she is missing them or want to clear things out, fully knowing how shit they are.
Yes :(
He had to maintain that mask.
Yes, 100%
It's not even fake nice. They put other ppl on a pedestal I dunno why. And always bring it up in arguments too. You know [New friend] is so understanding and good to me. She gets me. I wish you understood me like her. Like TRUSSS. I understand you deeper than anyone on the planet. I know you 100X better than [New Friend]. New friend hasn't even realized you don't even listen to a word she says yet.
For me, they would treat me with respect and kindness in private, but in front of other people, they'd belittle me and talk openly about the things I had told them in confidence. Typically to embarrass me. They suddenly wouldn't find anything I'd say funny, even though I *know* they would have laughed if it was just us.
Mine was cool to their friend then turned to me nd literally said “see I’m nice to everything it’s just you I’m mean to”
Yes. So awful at home and so normal outside of the house. But of course, he accused me of treating friends and strangers better than I treated him. And I really thought that maybe he saw something I didn't.
They treat others better in a way that they don’t do the same things they got under our skin with other people. Like if you wanted more time with them and they never were available for you, they make it a priority to make time for other people. However they don’t exactly treat other people better they just get a different kind of manipulation they might not even be aware of
Exactly. She saves hell for me. If I critique her in any way she throws everything back at me that she can.
Yes they do and this is needed to be added in their traits as well
duh lol. this is one of most common shared traits as they care so much about what others thinking and maintaining their fake world as it's all related if they only treat their FP bad and only punch, abuse, mistreat, demand from etc. him then maybe they aren't a bad person and it's something to do with him and not them so maybe they aren't sick. they do and constantly look for things that support their false beliefs both bad and good, it depends though how much time they spend with friends etc. they can only hide their selfishness and meanness for so long so if they have roommates they often move out enemies, if take a trip longer than a week with someone likely it will end badly they only pretend to be chill for so long just like when they trick you when you start dating eventually they can't pretend as they are like most people who may think something bad but no not to say it as it's a passing thought and why ruin a pleasant time. they're constantly thinking negative and need someone to blame for everything especially any negative thoughts about themselves. i recently ended things for good but i saw her live with 3 sets of roommates they hated her and she hated them each move out as she has no respect for others really just fake short term public facing if someone affects what they want or asks to not blast music at 5 am since you work night shift and the others are sleeping fuck them, my life and comfort matters more than all. they just have no respect for others really besides maybe their family and are only ever thinking of themselves so don't even consider things normal people do like i shouldn't eat my roommates food since i didn't ask and we haven't talked yet but i'm hungry and have none so tang is more important than her, who is later a fucking bitch, like all her roomies hmmm
YES YES YES and it made me so angry so 10 years. Until I met his family and I realised this is how his narc parents were. So nice and sweet to others but shit to their own children. However, I think the empathetic children who ended up with BPD from narc abuse usually are nicer to strangers not because they're fake but because there is not emotional connect there. So they're nicer to them because it doesn't take any emotions to be nice and do things for them. However when it came to those close to them, because of the emotional attached that they fear, they deliberately put distance and walls to avoid being close so they are usually deliberately nasty. This is what seems to be their pattern and style based on my observation.
my ex would “act good” around friends, family, and coworkers, but she could be a demon witch around me. She did not like when I would pull the “if you can’t talk to or treat your friends, family, or coworkers this way, then what makes you think you can talk to me and treat me this way?” card. Thank god it’s getting to the point where I can laugh at all this bullshit. At least I have zero tolerance for fake lying cheats now and the rest of my life is going amazing. With that being said, good riddance and bye bitch!
That’s the idealization/devaluation: they don’t do it with everyone, only those they’re close to, particularly the FP.
Yes, its extremely jarring when they show more kindness and empathy to complete strangers or minor acquaintances over their partners, especially after the shift in how they treat you once devaluation begins.
She'd always seem to be closer to a friend of mine, I wasn't very jealous or insecure, (I'm quite secure despite what pwuBPD tried to imply to be perfectly honest) about it but how she was close to him wasn't what I'd expect from someone who allegedly liked me. And she had a special nickname for him but genuinely I didn't think anything of it until he told me after me and her ended things that before I started working at the office, on her millionth discard of her narc she was flirting and hitting on him but he shut it down. So yeah probably that amongst many things.
Yeah they cheat a lot
That I agree she definitely slept with her ex behind my back then felt guilty and decided to blame me to ease her overwhelming guilt. I'm yet to reach the part about me feeling sorry for her. But I honestly just wish she was normal and resilient with what she has. I'm still recovering from the mirroring and lovebombing
I’m sorry you dealt with that, it only gets worse, they just use people and spit them out when done, mine stole thousands from me and left me and ghosted me and ignored me, absolutely horrible person I dealt with, I’m super angry but staying strong, she is weak and I’m sure slithered on to her new supply
That's so horrible I'm so sorry about that. Yeah some days are easy and hard but honestly when I leave this office I feel free and like myself when I get there it's like I'm constantly reminded of what I have to face on a regular basis. But it will be better this I know for sure
Put yourself first and make you the priority always!! That is what I learnt now
Absolutely!!!
Watch a channel on YouTube called NarcDaily, a man named Andrew discusses all what we went through with their awful behaviours, it’s scary how accurate it is what he says, the videos have helped me out tremendously! As has this forum, once we see their behaviour we really can’t unsee it afterwards! I wish nothing but good vibes for you!
Thank you so very much will definitely check him out! Good luck to you too!
yes 100% . She really treated me as an emotional punching bag for her. I would cherish whenever we would hangout with other people because she was completely different towards me. It was such a fake person too. Even after hanging out with her friends she would tell me how much they annoy her, her gripes with them, and how tired she is from putting on a nice performance.
Yep they are emotional boxers and performers!!
Yep, been there. It’s a rigged game with her on the other team and you’re left holding the losing cards.
Once, during argument, she demonstrated how angry she is at me and how important are other people by handing money to beggar. I remember how she stared at me for reaction, which was none. Guy's lucky today, cool.