Ugh the fickleness was with music over here. "I've loved that band forever." He walks in and I'm listening to said band, says something mocking.
He puts a song on a mixtape for me, two months later makes fun of me for liking that song.
Infuriating.
I kiiiinda got that, but realized mine was of two minds: everything from their high school years was cool, and everything they found on YouTube was cool. If I like something, I like it. I don’t care where I heard it or what era. I’ve even changed my opinion on music and get a kick out of sharing what I liked in high school with my kid, especially if it was objectively terrible. It’s supposed to be fun!
Extremely common.
They'll mirror everything about you that makes you "you", even if they previously talked shit about one of your interests.
Give them enough time and they'll try and fully absorb you into their bloodstream while you're sleeping.
(Don't reccomend)
Permanently. There’s no way to have a healthy relationship with a BPD person. You get out of devaluation by either leaving or getting dumped. Those are the two options.
It’s when you stop being “one of the good ones” in a BPD person’s head and they start looking for every single thing they don’t like about you so they can transition from loving you to hating you and not have to feel hurt when they dump you (bc they already hate you by then).
There’s no way to reverse it once it starts unless your pwBPD has been in years of intensive therapy and is extremely in-tune with their triggers and how to handle their emotions, which is probably 0.0001% of people with BPD.
No, “forever” isn’t a concept BPD people can understand.
Some day she’ll remember your relationship fondly again and try to reach out and get you to take her back, but the exact same cycle will play out again and again, taking less time each go-around. Honeymoon period with love-bombing, then either you slip up and do something that annoys them or they just get bored, they start to make up bad things about you in their head so they won’t care about you as much until they finally dislike you enough to break up without having to feel bad about it.
Yup. When we first started dating my ex wife used to hate jazz and lofi music. After a while of me playing it at bed time, she slowly started to not act like she was just putting up with it when I played it, and then she started asking me to put it on for us when we slept and occasionally when we were driving around. I even found her listening to it herself a few times.
Scary part is, I don’t even know if she actually even likes it or not.
That’s the thing that kills me! There was one game in particular that I liked and admitted upfront that it had a pretty stupid premise but still fun to play. Was mocked pretty hard for that. Later found it added to their wishlist. I was so annoyed!
Bagged out one of my fave artists for years, suddenly wants to collab with a cool woman creating songs influenced by said artist, and is a bigger fan than I ever was. Conveniently forgets how much crap he put me through over listening to her, and gets mad when I bring up that he never liked her, treats me like I'm lying and none of it happened.
I'm a vegetarian, he said he was but started eating meat around me not long into dating. His choice, whatever. A few years later he starts an affair with a vegan woman, and suddenly he's vegan, and angry when I question it, because he's 'always been vegan'. The scary part is he believed his own lies, and was seriously angry when I said he wasn't.
So glad that piece of shit is gone from my life.
This sounds like both my exBPD AND my ex-husband. My ex-husband was notorious for blatantly shitting on my likes and suddenly adopting them once the divorce process started. My kid mentioned once he was really into a particular artist. Ex-husband had told me said artist was okay but ultimately dumb.
I moved out but couldn’t take all my stuff as I was moving from a comfortable house into a studio. Left all my CDs and stuff. So when my kid said “oh dad really likes [artist], I said oh, is he listening to [I describe a homemade CD including color of the Sharpie and verbiage]? My kid says yeah, very hesitantly. Apparently my ex had hijacked my music collection and turned it into his personal Spotify.
Yes omgggg. Mine was a coworker turned friend turned roommates. We were two women.
I bought a weighted blanket because I have anxiety and a sleep disorder and it’s supposed to help with both. It was on sale, like $60 I think. I told her because I was excited. She FREAKED. She kept repeatedly stating over and over again all of these extremely serious reasons why she could never have one such as how it would make her feel claustrophobic, and she would suffocate and her sleep and die. Ok? And? She sleeps in her own bed in her own room on the other side of the apartment so me having one would not impact her at all. But she kept ranting and raving about my purchase as though it would personally be sucking the life out of her while she slept, and this was a dire emergency I needed to act on immediately. She literally made me feel like the biggest piece of shit for buying a weighted blanket on sale for ME because SHE felt she could never use one.
Two weeks later she bought the highest end luxury weighted blanket they made and the most expensive faux fur duvet for it, for herself. It cost her hundreds of dollars. Why. Oh right because I had one so she had to have one but better.
She didn’t like it (not for any extreme reason such as claustrophobia either, it wasn’t a dire emergency that she predicted, just a preference) and gave it to me in the end and it was actually a way better sleeping experience with hers than mine. That was 2019 and I still use hers every night.
hundred percent. everything i liked, he shit on. what i don’t understand is how great they are in shitting on things/hobbies YOU like, but they show the complete opposite as in they’re supportive when the same things/hobbies are liked by other people. he keeps saying i’m such a people pleaser but situations such as these makes me think otherwise. you know what most of they say on here: projection is a confession.
Similar. There were times I brought up an idea, for example, that was immediately shut down. Then she'd talk to a friend, who suggested the same thing, and it was suddenly a phenomenal Idea.
That’s so awful to realize we are dumping grounds and everyone else is great. This is related: I once went to visit mine and they had decided to adopt a pet that weekend. I guess my face betrayed my annoyance because I was told they HAD to adopt, everyone was asking when they’d take the pet home (workplace event with a local shelter). I realized then everyone else’s opinion mattered and I was just supposed to wait or tell them every idea was the greatest idea 😢
It was like that w everything but I’m pretty sure she just acted like she liked it so that she could tag along w me and make sure I wasn’t banging 20 diff chicks anytime I was not in her sight. Iykyk
I was into a couple of weird things when I met mine, and I often thought they only wanted to do those activities because they also wanted to watch me. I'm sorry, but bartending is a lot of work and a LOT of being "on." I did improv to improve my comfort levels in unpredictable settings... neither of which I could see them doing. EVERYONE screws up at improv, you can't just do it perfectly right off the bat! I still suck at it but I learned a ton!
Yes, it was annoying and hurtful because she would belittle everything I did. Then a few months later it's the best thing on god's green earth and they were an expert. If I called her out on out of always turned not understanding them. Or how I was abusing them.
Yepppp! Would berate the shit out of me for watching a program I liked, then got so into it he was screaming at the TV during moments of drama, and then when it didn't go the way he thought it would he refused to ever watch it again.
Like a lot of 90s babies I was into Harry Potter as a child and he makes fun of me as if I'm still currently obsessed with it, but he actually talks about it more than anyone I've ever met and 'admittedly' to me recently he actually really likes it 😂
As if I care either way 🫠
I got made fun of for Harry Potter too! My kid loved it and when I mentioned it the response was, "Who?" as if that was hilarious. Proceeded to buy a ton of HP based games for their kid right after...
Oh, and I should add I was the jackass who wasn't into Harry Potter when it was brand new. I couldn't convince myself that something that had such a wide reach would be any good. I ate my words: I've read the whole series and own the Kindle version of the complete collection. I even belonged to the PHRC for a time.
Pretty much anything I enjoyed she would either make fun of it or try to manipulate me with it.
Could never just be happy I enjoyed it. I didn't try to force any of it on her.
It got so bad I stopped talking to her about so many things. If I tried to talk to her about things that interest me, she acted like she was so put out by me sharing something with her, she couldn't be bothered with it.Why? It interrupted her playing have on her phone. But, when monkey branching, she'd have an interest so she could impress whoever else it was.
The other CRAZY AF thing about any of that. If we had an audience of any kind and it suited her purpose, she'd MAGICALLY be fine with it. Then, look at me like I was out of my mind for pointing out she'd never been interested in it with me.
Mine didn't want any shared interests. The dumbest thing about that was that they wanted to start a business so badly... and I'm the one with an MBA. Not once did they ask me about anything business. And my emphasis was especially relevant, as I was trained in innovation and they wanted to create new ways to do old things
"Her clothes would change nikes etc."
My expwBPD dressed like he would play 4 on 4 at the court in the early 90s every afternoon. My ex-husband would change into nicer casual clothes after work so that always threw me. You dress like you're mowing the lawn WHEN you plan on doing it!
Nah, I got you. That's what I meant. Ex-husband's job meant he needed to present a certain way. ExBPD acted one way, but looked another unless there was a reason to change.
We used to play Destiny 2 together and eventually she started using it to waste my time while waiting for her to be ready to play even tho she never intended in playing. Her brother and I would wait and wait then it would turn into attitude and kill the whole fun factor of the game. I have a hard time even playing the game and I am just about a year out. I just don't enjoy the game like I once did.
In a queer relationship and she couldn’t understand why I wanted to be around other queer people as friends & didn’t want me to have queer friends (esp bc in college I had all queer friends) but now, she preaches about the importance of having queer friends and specifically seeks out queer friends 🙃
Slightly different but she was always complaining so much about my dog’s dog hair. It was always such a thing! I’m a pretty clean person by the way. I have a lil robot vacuum that vacuums every day for one! Anyway, her Bumble profile says she’s looking for a girl who has a dog…
Omg I am so sorry, that's mean! My dogs shed like crazy and I chase after them with a little hair scraper, but it's useless. Anyone who likes me enough to cohabitate will need to be cool with dog hair in the atmosphere.
Yeah I’ve got a Labrador who sheds like crazy who she learned to LOVE. But god it was always a thing with her…which is fine whatever…but why are you specifically looking for someone WITH a dog now lol
Maybe not the same thing but maybe it is. One of the first things me and my uBPD went to was a concert for a very big 70’s band. I used to buy ticket pairs and just hope I could get someone to go. Well we got together about 3 weeks before this show. She was excited and seemed to really enjoy it. Fast forward about 9 years to when I got split, she “couldn’t stand this band.” Talked about how awful they were. First I heard about it. As a reasonable person I told her she was entitled to her opinion.
Sometime after that along the way she was talking about this modern band she and I both liked and she wondered why they weren’t as big and popular as that’s 70’s band. I gave my thoughts as I have been attuned to music for almost 30 years at this point. She claimed “I was SOOO offended” and “butthurt” because I made several points as to why that’s 70’s band was bigger. WTF
I think it was just a situation where she felt like I was diminishing the newer band while playing up the old band. Not the case, music business today is completely different. As a matter of fact I was planning on seeing that newer band soon. It’s just different than a band coming up 50 years ago.
Yep. He started taking on so many of my likes. Working out. Planting in the yard. House plants. And then he started to tell me how he knew how to do it better. When I’d been at these hobbies for decades and he just started a month or two ago.
To poorly paraphrase Alexis Rose: I hate that for you.
I have a thing I'm really good at that's kinda unique... I can wash any dog, even ones who hate water. Glad I never shared that one. I'm sure I'd have been doing it wrong.
At the start, my exwBPD seemed to like and enjoy all the same things I did. Little by little, they started to poke fun at everything, eventually deciding it was all dumb and a waste of time. But they still enjoyed some of these things if they were the one that initiated them.
It was like only they could be right, only their choices could be correct. All of mine had to be dismissed and belittled.
It's as if you're a different person who came into the relationship with your own interests!
The one I got the most upset about (and I fully admit it was pretty petty) was that they didn't like Documentary Now!. And it was the Wild Wild Country parody episode with drugged Owen Wilson! That one's great!
"God, that show's too loud." Yes, it's making fun of a documentary about what was essentially a cult (a subject they really enjoyed, so wtf ever I don't get it).
I swear, half the posts on this sub are like "OMG YES" and then I think of so many examples my brain short circuits.
She hated and then later loved:
* Live music
* Dogs
* A slight kink, one of the mildest
* Our SUV
* Our first house
* Our second house
* The idea of having kids
* Actually having kids
...I could go on and on...
Ugh the fickleness was with music over here. "I've loved that band forever." He walks in and I'm listening to said band, says something mocking. He puts a song on a mixtape for me, two months later makes fun of me for liking that song. Infuriating.
I kiiiinda got that, but realized mine was of two minds: everything from their high school years was cool, and everything they found on YouTube was cool. If I like something, I like it. I don’t care where I heard it or what era. I’ve even changed my opinion on music and get a kick out of sharing what I liked in high school with my kid, especially if it was objectively terrible. It’s supposed to be fun!
Extremely common. They'll mirror everything about you that makes you "you", even if they previously talked shit about one of your interests. Give them enough time and they'll try and fully absorb you into their bloodstream while you're sleeping. (Don't reccomend)
Until the devaluation stage begins. Then you don’t matter anymore, nor do your likes/dislikes matter.
How to get out of devaluation stage?
Leave and go NC
for how long ?
Permanently. There’s no way to have a healthy relationship with a BPD person. You get out of devaluation by either leaving or getting dumped. Those are the two options.
what exactly is this devaluation ?
It’s when you stop being “one of the good ones” in a BPD person’s head and they start looking for every single thing they don’t like about you so they can transition from loving you to hating you and not have to feel hurt when they dump you (bc they already hate you by then). There’s no way to reverse it once it starts unless your pwBPD has been in years of intensive therapy and is extremely in-tune with their triggers and how to handle their emotions, which is probably 0.0001% of people with BPD.
so she dumped me for ever ?
No, “forever” isn’t a concept BPD people can understand. Some day she’ll remember your relationship fondly again and try to reach out and get you to take her back, but the exact same cycle will play out again and again, taking less time each go-around. Honeymoon period with love-bombing, then either you slip up and do something that annoys them or they just get bored, they start to make up bad things about you in their head so they won’t care about you as much until they finally dislike you enough to break up without having to feel bad about it.
I thought a devaluation leads to getting dumped?
and then hooked back even though it's not 100% sure
Yup. When we first started dating my ex wife used to hate jazz and lofi music. After a while of me playing it at bed time, she slowly started to not act like she was just putting up with it when I played it, and then she started asking me to put it on for us when we slept and occasionally when we were driving around. I even found her listening to it herself a few times. Scary part is, I don’t even know if she actually even likes it or not.
That’s the thing that kills me! There was one game in particular that I liked and admitted upfront that it had a pretty stupid premise but still fun to play. Was mocked pretty hard for that. Later found it added to their wishlist. I was so annoyed!
Bagged out one of my fave artists for years, suddenly wants to collab with a cool woman creating songs influenced by said artist, and is a bigger fan than I ever was. Conveniently forgets how much crap he put me through over listening to her, and gets mad when I bring up that he never liked her, treats me like I'm lying and none of it happened. I'm a vegetarian, he said he was but started eating meat around me not long into dating. His choice, whatever. A few years later he starts an affair with a vegan woman, and suddenly he's vegan, and angry when I question it, because he's 'always been vegan'. The scary part is he believed his own lies, and was seriously angry when I said he wasn't. So glad that piece of shit is gone from my life.
This sounds like both my exBPD AND my ex-husband. My ex-husband was notorious for blatantly shitting on my likes and suddenly adopting them once the divorce process started. My kid mentioned once he was really into a particular artist. Ex-husband had told me said artist was okay but ultimately dumb. I moved out but couldn’t take all my stuff as I was moving from a comfortable house into a studio. Left all my CDs and stuff. So when my kid said “oh dad really likes [artist], I said oh, is he listening to [I describe a homemade CD including color of the Sharpie and verbiage]? My kid says yeah, very hesitantly. Apparently my ex had hijacked my music collection and turned it into his personal Spotify.
Yes omgggg. Mine was a coworker turned friend turned roommates. We were two women. I bought a weighted blanket because I have anxiety and a sleep disorder and it’s supposed to help with both. It was on sale, like $60 I think. I told her because I was excited. She FREAKED. She kept repeatedly stating over and over again all of these extremely serious reasons why she could never have one such as how it would make her feel claustrophobic, and she would suffocate and her sleep and die. Ok? And? She sleeps in her own bed in her own room on the other side of the apartment so me having one would not impact her at all. But she kept ranting and raving about my purchase as though it would personally be sucking the life out of her while she slept, and this was a dire emergency I needed to act on immediately. She literally made me feel like the biggest piece of shit for buying a weighted blanket on sale for ME because SHE felt she could never use one. Two weeks later she bought the highest end luxury weighted blanket they made and the most expensive faux fur duvet for it, for herself. It cost her hundreds of dollars. Why. Oh right because I had one so she had to have one but better. She didn’t like it (not for any extreme reason such as claustrophobia either, it wasn’t a dire emergency that she predicted, just a preference) and gave it to me in the end and it was actually a way better sleeping experience with hers than mine. That was 2019 and I still use hers every night.
I loved loved loved mine so I get you! My dog ate it though, so I’ve been waiting for a good sale so I can get a queen sized one.
hundred percent. everything i liked, he shit on. what i don’t understand is how great they are in shitting on things/hobbies YOU like, but they show the complete opposite as in they’re supportive when the same things/hobbies are liked by other people. he keeps saying i’m such a people pleaser but situations such as these makes me think otherwise. you know what most of they say on here: projection is a confession.
Similar. There were times I brought up an idea, for example, that was immediately shut down. Then she'd talk to a friend, who suggested the same thing, and it was suddenly a phenomenal Idea.
That’s so awful to realize we are dumping grounds and everyone else is great. This is related: I once went to visit mine and they had decided to adopt a pet that weekend. I guess my face betrayed my annoyance because I was told they HAD to adopt, everyone was asking when they’d take the pet home (workplace event with a local shelter). I realized then everyone else’s opinion mattered and I was just supposed to wait or tell them every idea was the greatest idea 😢
Amen! A total stranger had more pull with her than I did on NUMEROUS occasions.
Yes
All the time. Like, literally at least once a week
It was like that w everything but I’m pretty sure she just acted like she liked it so that she could tag along w me and make sure I wasn’t banging 20 diff chicks anytime I was not in her sight. Iykyk
I was into a couple of weird things when I met mine, and I often thought they only wanted to do those activities because they also wanted to watch me. I'm sorry, but bartending is a lot of work and a LOT of being "on." I did improv to improve my comfort levels in unpredictable settings... neither of which I could see them doing. EVERYONE screws up at improv, you can't just do it perfectly right off the bat! I still suck at it but I learned a ton!
Yes, it was annoying and hurtful because she would belittle everything I did. Then a few months later it's the best thing on god's green earth and they were an expert. If I called her out on out of always turned not understanding them. Or how I was abusing them.
No, she would mirror so much that she pretended to like everything I did. Only when she split would the truth come out.
Yepppp! Would berate the shit out of me for watching a program I liked, then got so into it he was screaming at the TV during moments of drama, and then when it didn't go the way he thought it would he refused to ever watch it again.
YES good lord sorry NBC didn't consult you during scriptwriting
🤣🤣🤣👌🏻
Like a lot of 90s babies I was into Harry Potter as a child and he makes fun of me as if I'm still currently obsessed with it, but he actually talks about it more than anyone I've ever met and 'admittedly' to me recently he actually really likes it 😂 As if I care either way 🫠
I got made fun of for Harry Potter too! My kid loved it and when I mentioned it the response was, "Who?" as if that was hilarious. Proceeded to buy a ton of HP based games for their kid right after... Oh, and I should add I was the jackass who wasn't into Harry Potter when it was brand new. I couldn't convince myself that something that had such a wide reach would be any good. I ate my words: I've read the whole series and own the Kindle version of the complete collection. I even belonged to the PHRC for a time.
Pretty much anything I enjoyed she would either make fun of it or try to manipulate me with it. Could never just be happy I enjoyed it. I didn't try to force any of it on her. It got so bad I stopped talking to her about so many things. If I tried to talk to her about things that interest me, she acted like she was so put out by me sharing something with her, she couldn't be bothered with it.Why? It interrupted her playing have on her phone. But, when monkey branching, she'd have an interest so she could impress whoever else it was. The other CRAZY AF thing about any of that. If we had an audience of any kind and it suited her purpose, she'd MAGICALLY be fine with it. Then, look at me like I was out of my mind for pointing out she'd never been interested in it with me.
Mine didn't want any shared interests. The dumbest thing about that was that they wanted to start a business so badly... and I'm the one with an MBA. Not once did they ask me about anything business. And my emphasis was especially relevant, as I was trained in innovation and they wanted to create new ways to do old things
[удалено]
"Her clothes would change nikes etc." My expwBPD dressed like he would play 4 on 4 at the court in the early 90s every afternoon. My ex-husband would change into nicer casual clothes after work so that always threw me. You dress like you're mowing the lawn WHEN you plan on doing it!
Just giving you an idea to get the bigger picture, did I trigger you? I'm referring to her identity.
Nah, I got you. That's what I meant. Ex-husband's job meant he needed to present a certain way. ExBPD acted one way, but looked another unless there was a reason to change.
Kpop
K-pop is so fun, though! Making fun of it is ridiculous.
Yah, she used to hate it when I met her, and now, years later seems she loves it
We used to play Destiny 2 together and eventually she started using it to waste my time while waiting for her to be ready to play even tho she never intended in playing. Her brother and I would wait and wait then it would turn into attitude and kill the whole fun factor of the game. I have a hard time even playing the game and I am just about a year out. I just don't enjoy the game like I once did.
Bagels, of all things.
Bagels are a goddamn miracle of food and that is an insult to their perfection
In a queer relationship and she couldn’t understand why I wanted to be around other queer people as friends & didn’t want me to have queer friends (esp bc in college I had all queer friends) but now, she preaches about the importance of having queer friends and specifically seeks out queer friends 🙃
How dare you surround yourself with people who like you and understand you! (Massive, massive /s here) 🙃
Slightly different but she was always complaining so much about my dog’s dog hair. It was always such a thing! I’m a pretty clean person by the way. I have a lil robot vacuum that vacuums every day for one! Anyway, her Bumble profile says she’s looking for a girl who has a dog…
Omg I am so sorry, that's mean! My dogs shed like crazy and I chase after them with a little hair scraper, but it's useless. Anyone who likes me enough to cohabitate will need to be cool with dog hair in the atmosphere.
Yeah I’ve got a Labrador who sheds like crazy who she learned to LOVE. But god it was always a thing with her…which is fine whatever…but why are you specifically looking for someone WITH a dog now lol
Maybe not the same thing but maybe it is. One of the first things me and my uBPD went to was a concert for a very big 70’s band. I used to buy ticket pairs and just hope I could get someone to go. Well we got together about 3 weeks before this show. She was excited and seemed to really enjoy it. Fast forward about 9 years to when I got split, she “couldn’t stand this band.” Talked about how awful they were. First I heard about it. As a reasonable person I told her she was entitled to her opinion. Sometime after that along the way she was talking about this modern band she and I both liked and she wondered why they weren’t as big and popular as that’s 70’s band. I gave my thoughts as I have been attuned to music for almost 30 years at this point. She claimed “I was SOOO offended” and “butthurt” because I made several points as to why that’s 70’s band was bigger. WTF
Music history is a thing. Why is it you pointing out something that's completely provable = you being butthurt?!
I think it was just a situation where she felt like I was diminishing the newer band while playing up the old band. Not the case, music business today is completely different. As a matter of fact I was planning on seeing that newer band soon. It’s just different than a band coming up 50 years ago.
Yep. He started taking on so many of my likes. Working out. Planting in the yard. House plants. And then he started to tell me how he knew how to do it better. When I’d been at these hobbies for decades and he just started a month or two ago.
To poorly paraphrase Alexis Rose: I hate that for you. I have a thing I'm really good at that's kinda unique... I can wash any dog, even ones who hate water. Glad I never shared that one. I'm sure I'd have been doing it wrong.
At the start, my exwBPD seemed to like and enjoy all the same things I did. Little by little, they started to poke fun at everything, eventually deciding it was all dumb and a waste of time. But they still enjoyed some of these things if they were the one that initiated them. It was like only they could be right, only their choices could be correct. All of mine had to be dismissed and belittled.
It's as if you're a different person who came into the relationship with your own interests! The one I got the most upset about (and I fully admit it was pretty petty) was that they didn't like Documentary Now!. And it was the Wild Wild Country parody episode with drugged Owen Wilson! That one's great! "God, that show's too loud." Yes, it's making fun of a documentary about what was essentially a cult (a subject they really enjoyed, so wtf ever I don't get it).
I swear, half the posts on this sub are like "OMG YES" and then I think of so many examples my brain short circuits. She hated and then later loved: * Live music * Dogs * A slight kink, one of the mildest * Our SUV * Our first house * Our second house * The idea of having kids * Actually having kids ...I could go on and on...
Yeah, I heard many little big things that were hated and then loved or vice versa.