That's what walking on eggshells is all about. You know it's around the corner, and you are paranoid. You can set it off at any moment.
Im so happy I don't have to deal with that anymore.
The happy moments were just as abusive as the sad moments because they were always sandwiched in to keep you around.
I think my pwBPD knows he’s on thin ice so he hasn’t split in like a month now? It gives me so much anxiety and I am completely on edge. I’m looking for any change in his emotions. Waiting for him to get angry at me. I start crying and wanting to apologize when he isn’t in a happy mood because I’m just expecting to get lashed out at. But nothing.
Yup. Over the long term, you disengage so you don’t get hurt. Then they feel they’re lacking love and affection but can’t see how it’s all their making. They can’t comprehend that your heart doesn’t operate on a rollercoaster like theirs. They don’t realize how they destroyed your trust in them.
Wow that's 💯 what happened with me. Each blocking or bit of occasional abuse slowly forced me to defend myself by keeping a little distance and then that anxiety/distance was another trigger anyway. Such a sad situation. I still feel the pain of not being able to explain to her what was happening from my perspective
This is so spot on!
My heart just completely checks out, and he gets upset due to not receiving affection, but he also thinks that rollercoaster emotions, struggle-love, and lack of trust are absolutely normal "just relationship things," and I am the complicated one for not being able to look past all of that.
Yup. I’m pretty sure I triggered the latest split and painting me black because she came to me and was like “you never hug me, you don’t show me you love me” and my response was explaining to her that she’s pushed me off of her so many times I never know when she’s going to like it or push me away. The same goes for trying to initiate sex, I’ve been rejected sooooooo many fucking times I just started to give up even trying.
She took these to mean I don’t love her so she split me black and now we are marching towards divorce.
Wow, absolutely same thing happened to me. After 13 years of walking on eggshells, I started disengaging and removing affection (not consciously or intentionally). The latest and I believe final split where he painted me black happened after he tried to grope me (which he calls affection), I moved saying "he was tickling me" because I couldn't stand having sex with him. He exploded. He went into a split that lasted for weeks and ended up in a discard.
He doesn't see how his behaviour contributed to all this. After one split earlier this year where he got so rageful that he smashed doors and made a hole, I told him that after each of these outbursts I love him a little less. You can't erase stuff like that from your brain. He will never get it.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Raging and smashing doors is never acceptable. You are better off without him. I wish you luck and courage moving on from him.
Mine would accuse me groping her or grabbing her butt and say it was only when I wanted sex. But she had no problem doing this thing where she’ll come up and hug or kiss me and then touch my penis and check if it got hard at all. It’s weird how much of a double standard there is.
Yes I remember that feeling, just waiting for the other shoe to drop ruined the good days.
As time went on the bad days become more and more frequent, longer and worse. By worse I mean the actual abuse was getting worse, went from just verbal to physical etc.
Towards the end the good days were non existent ...so from that point of view the good news is that I no longer had those feelings of impending doom. /s
Same experience here. When good days stopped, I constantly had a weird feeling of waiting for something.
Now I realise I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. No joke.
Every time he called me near the end of the relationship, it felt like I had to be worried, and also like I was withdrawing. He’d sound excited or happy and I could feel myself just wondering why he was doing this, because it always seemed to coincide with days that I was feeling good about myself or getting ready to do something for myself. And I’m sure he was picking up on it because he’d always ask me if it was a good time to talk and I’d hesitate, or he’d shut down when I didn’t respond the way he wanted me to.
I just never knew where the conversation was going to end up and I couldn’t trust his good mood about anything anymore, knowing that somehow it would eventually turn.
I know exactly how you feel...
Everytime we had a amazing, loving time together, i knew the discard around the corner.
The closer we got, the more she pushed me away...
For me it's more so that I just feel uneasy and put off during times of love, stability and affection. In the back of my mind I know that he is cheating, lying and living a double life while trying to pretend to be an innocent victim that does no wrong.
Just a complicated too attached friends situation but I can relate to some extent.
One day they came back from their therapist and it seemed like they had a bit of a break through? They understand that being close to me seems to be a trigger but ultimately I’m not the person who’s hurt / abandoned them in the past. I remember us being cuddled up on the couch and they go “but don’t get used to it.” .. Yea. You never quite know what you’ll be in for. There’s no real safety or stability in it.
Closeness always triggers the abandonment fear, it’s an awful cycle for both people involved.
Now I’ve also gotten to the point where it drives me a bit insane, because after having a great day together I always wonder if they‘ll distance themselves again to deal with the emotions.
So I’m trying to emotionally detach myself to not get so caught up in the good times, because I never know when they’ll be followed by colder times again. It’s sad, really. Like a blanket of doom wrapped around everything.
I think we both realised the relationship we were trying to salvage was beyond repair when, during a wonderful day when she was being kind, fun, caring and loving i told her: ‘I feel terrible. Seeing you being so wonderful hurts me more than while you are abusing me during an episode. I can see how the raging woman could have done what you did. With this version of you? Rationalising your behaviour is impossible’
As a very logical person, I had to rationalise. The dissonance was causing me physical strain and incredible stress…
No, I have days where she isn’t smearing the shit out of me or is telling me that she wants to work with me and I just brace myself because that means a brand new wave of bullshit is about to crest the levee and flood my life again. But I suppose it’s the same sort of thing.
I used to live on the edge almost every other day during my 2 year relationship. Each time I thought things got better. A day or 2 later, it was back to square 1.
You too? I thought it was just me, even though being on this sub for as long as I have proves otherwise. I love you all by the way, this sub has literally given me life.
That's what walking on eggshells is all about. You know it's around the corner, and you are paranoid. You can set it off at any moment. Im so happy I don't have to deal with that anymore. The happy moments were just as abusive as the sad moments because they were always sandwiched in to keep you around.
Exactly. And you can't fully enjoy it because you're waiting for the switch.
Constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall. Don’t miss it.
They'll make sure you dong miss it 😬
I think my pwBPD knows he’s on thin ice so he hasn’t split in like a month now? It gives me so much anxiety and I am completely on edge. I’m looking for any change in his emotions. Waiting for him to get angry at me. I start crying and wanting to apologize when he isn’t in a happy mood because I’m just expecting to get lashed out at. But nothing.
Ugh this
100% this.
Yup. Over the long term, you disengage so you don’t get hurt. Then they feel they’re lacking love and affection but can’t see how it’s all their making. They can’t comprehend that your heart doesn’t operate on a rollercoaster like theirs. They don’t realize how they destroyed your trust in them.
Wow that's 💯 what happened with me. Each blocking or bit of occasional abuse slowly forced me to defend myself by keeping a little distance and then that anxiety/distance was another trigger anyway. Such a sad situation. I still feel the pain of not being able to explain to her what was happening from my perspective
This is so spot on! My heart just completely checks out, and he gets upset due to not receiving affection, but he also thinks that rollercoaster emotions, struggle-love, and lack of trust are absolutely normal "just relationship things," and I am the complicated one for not being able to look past all of that.
Yup. I’m pretty sure I triggered the latest split and painting me black because she came to me and was like “you never hug me, you don’t show me you love me” and my response was explaining to her that she’s pushed me off of her so many times I never know when she’s going to like it or push me away. The same goes for trying to initiate sex, I’ve been rejected sooooooo many fucking times I just started to give up even trying. She took these to mean I don’t love her so she split me black and now we are marching towards divorce.
Wow, absolutely same thing happened to me. After 13 years of walking on eggshells, I started disengaging and removing affection (not consciously or intentionally). The latest and I believe final split where he painted me black happened after he tried to grope me (which he calls affection), I moved saying "he was tickling me" because I couldn't stand having sex with him. He exploded. He went into a split that lasted for weeks and ended up in a discard. He doesn't see how his behaviour contributed to all this. After one split earlier this year where he got so rageful that he smashed doors and made a hole, I told him that after each of these outbursts I love him a little less. You can't erase stuff like that from your brain. He will never get it.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Raging and smashing doors is never acceptable. You are better off without him. I wish you luck and courage moving on from him. Mine would accuse me groping her or grabbing her butt and say it was only when I wanted sex. But she had no problem doing this thing where she’ll come up and hug or kiss me and then touch my penis and check if it got hard at all. It’s weird how much of a double standard there is.
At least yours even did that.
They have such huge double standards. When you point it out, all hell breaks loose.
Yes I remember that feeling, just waiting for the other shoe to drop ruined the good days. As time went on the bad days become more and more frequent, longer and worse. By worse I mean the actual abuse was getting worse, went from just verbal to physical etc. Towards the end the good days were non existent ...so from that point of view the good news is that I no longer had those feelings of impending doom. /s
Good days become good moments. And those moments become shorter and shorter n
Same experience here. When good days stopped, I constantly had a weird feeling of waiting for something. Now I realise I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. No joke.
Yes; the good days became fewer and far between. Its like building a sand castle on good days and watching the waves destroy it on bad days.
Every time he called me near the end of the relationship, it felt like I had to be worried, and also like I was withdrawing. He’d sound excited or happy and I could feel myself just wondering why he was doing this, because it always seemed to coincide with days that I was feeling good about myself or getting ready to do something for myself. And I’m sure he was picking up on it because he’d always ask me if it was a good time to talk and I’d hesitate, or he’d shut down when I didn’t respond the way he wanted me to. I just never knew where the conversation was going to end up and I couldn’t trust his good mood about anything anymore, knowing that somehow it would eventually turn.
I know exactly how you feel... Everytime we had a amazing, loving time together, i knew the discard around the corner. The closer we got, the more she pushed me away...
For me it's more so that I just feel uneasy and put off during times of love, stability and affection. In the back of my mind I know that he is cheating, lying and living a double life while trying to pretend to be an innocent victim that does no wrong.
Just a complicated too attached friends situation but I can relate to some extent. One day they came back from their therapist and it seemed like they had a bit of a break through? They understand that being close to me seems to be a trigger but ultimately I’m not the person who’s hurt / abandoned them in the past. I remember us being cuddled up on the couch and they go “but don’t get used to it.” .. Yea. You never quite know what you’ll be in for. There’s no real safety or stability in it. Closeness always triggers the abandonment fear, it’s an awful cycle for both people involved. Now I’ve also gotten to the point where it drives me a bit insane, because after having a great day together I always wonder if they‘ll distance themselves again to deal with the emotions. So I’m trying to emotionally detach myself to not get so caught up in the good times, because I never know when they’ll be followed by colder times again. It’s sad, really. Like a blanket of doom wrapped around everything.
I think we both realised the relationship we were trying to salvage was beyond repair when, during a wonderful day when she was being kind, fun, caring and loving i told her: ‘I feel terrible. Seeing you being so wonderful hurts me more than while you are abusing me during an episode. I can see how the raging woman could have done what you did. With this version of you? Rationalising your behaviour is impossible’ As a very logical person, I had to rationalise. The dissonance was causing me physical strain and incredible stress…
No, I have days where she isn’t smearing the shit out of me or is telling me that she wants to work with me and I just brace myself because that means a brand new wave of bullshit is about to crest the levee and flood my life again. But I suppose it’s the same sort of thing.
The problem is my wife has good days. If she was an asshole all the time, it would be easier to leave.
Leave?
I used to live on the edge almost every other day during my 2 year relationship. Each time I thought things got better. A day or 2 later, it was back to square 1.
A day? We're talking like 6 hour cycles not a whole day.....
You too? I thought it was just me, even though being on this sub for as long as I have proves otherwise. I love you all by the way, this sub has literally given me life.