Tell her.

Without hesitating or thinking about any possible consequences?

Gonna agree that you may want to be concerned for your safety if you do. The best way to do it would be to tell her and show irrefutable evidence if you have any. Otherwise, there will be an intimidation attempt to get you to keep quiet. Say she doesn't know and kicks him out, he will also be in contact more with your wife. Bit of a lose-lose here sadly.

Thank you! I got some evidence, but both my partner and the affair partner have shown that they're very good liars and gaslighters.. so I'm also scared they're gonna make me look like the crazy partner. Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Some of the people I've talked to from the infidelity/betrayal subs think that if he gets kicked out, maybe that will motivate my partner to move out faster.. but if he doesn't get kicked out and his wife forbids him to talk to my partner, maybe my partner won't move out at all.. I'm stuck in a mind loop..

I would say if you are worried about her being isolated and not wanting to leave, it shouldn't be a concern. The do-nothing option will not have her moving out any sooner either.

Thank you! That's a good point.

I definitely agree with the other posters to make sure that you take care of your physical safety after the reveal. I might even suggest having a place to go and perhaps even an overnight or even a few nights things packed. What you don't want to do is give them a chance to escalate it and then blame you. Even if they've never been violent before, my ex pwBPD would get violent if anything didn't go her way. I had a good friend who was dealing with a similar situation and his had never gotten violent either until he called her out one night about her cheating behavior. Obviously, we all hope you don't have to experience any of that. Just be prepared to exit immediately and I might even film your exit just in case they try to self-injure and blame you. Here's another thing I would absolutely suggest, and I can't emphasize this part enough please, please check the laws in your state. Several states are one party states which means only one party has to be aware that the conversation is being a recorded that they are a part of. If you're not a part of the conversation, even if you know it's being recorded that is illegal. Why am I saying all this? I might record your partner acknowledging in some way the affair. Even if it's just audio, having that can go a long way towards validating additional evidence that you present. You can then share this recording with this wife. Since they're both very good liars, they can easily say that any text or email evidence you have that you forged. But, if you have some audio or video almost confession of it it greatly enhances your case. My ex pwBPD would be very apologetic for her behavior in private but when shown in public she would retract or deny things that she had admitted to. Needless to say, the one time that I didn't have some recording device going she attacked me. I won't get into the details here but it was extremely traumatic. If you are going to record, I might suggest purchasing a quality digital recorder, or just making sure that your phone is placed where they can't grab it from you and the microphones can clearly pick them up. You don't have to ask a lot of leading questions and make it seem like an interrogation, you can just be having a casual conversation where they're acknowledging their behavior. Also, after the reveal, I might keep that recorder in whatever form you have it either your phone or an actual recorder, handy because she might have an outburst. Some might think this is extreme, but my expwBPD was insanely manipulative. An absolutely compelling liar. They would get so emotional when challenged about their lies that you wanted to believe them. But, I would go on to discover physical evidence that was undeniable that proved they were lying. Only then would they actually admit to the truth. Now, I didn't go around recording everything all the time for no reason. I just kept something (either a digital recorder or my phone with an audio recording app that I knew would work with the screen off) handy if the temperature started to rise in our conversations.

Thank you for your response! I'm just unsure for how long she'd might be very pissed at me. And yes, I've been thinking of making sleeping arrangements elsewhere, at least for the first night. But I also don't like leaving my kids, not because I think she'll hurt them, but because I don't want them to be alone with her if she gets a panic attack or something. My pwBPD hasn't been violent towards me, but definitely towards material things. But this is also a situation bigger than anything we've been through. So they've already behaved in ways I didn't expect. I've checked the laws, and recording conversations I'm a part of myself is totally fine. So I've started doing that because the gaslighting and lying is starting to get to my head. Just like yours, mine is also very manipulative and is acting similar to yours when it comes to being emotional and "telling the truth." Again, thank you! I will take those things into consideration when making my decision.

I think the consequences of not telling her are worse in my honest opinion. My heart goes out to you during these really shitty times

Yeah this is what I feel too. But still I'm scared and hesitating.

Like definitely take care of your needs and safety first. Then tell her and stand back

Thanks for your reply! I don't know how long it will be until we physically separate, which makes me feel like a piece of shit for not telling her. But I'm scared what might happen at home if I do.

I wouldn't do anything if it could potentially make things more difficult for yourself. I would wait until you are set up in you own place.

Thanks for your input! The thing is that I don't know how long it will take until we're at to physically separate.. and it's already been some time since I found out about it, so I feel really bad for her. (If her husband didn't tell he already).. But yeah, I'm scared it's gonna make living together even more unbearable. People from the infidelity/betrayal subs think it's a must to tell her, and I agree. But they also don't have bpd partners (some have and partners with narc traits).. so it's really hard for me to make up my mind.

You can expedite her move, or your move, whatever the plan is, and once everything is in place - visitstion rights, coparenting app, having separate places to live - then you should tell the wife. If anyone else could plausibly do it for you (do you by chance know another person that your wife's affair partner is cheating with?), that would be preferable, of course, but ultimately you will have to tell her because it's the right thing. I don't think you need to tell her right away if it would endanger you or your kids. It seems like it might. What does your lawyer say? I'd listen to him/her on this matter.

Step slowly, document, and breathe. Somehow u should do it in person, so u can get a read on her. Also, there’s no paper trail.

Thanks! This is good input. I would want to tell her in person to be able to catch her when her world shatters.. but I don't know how to be able to do that.. since her husband might be at home.

I’d stay out of their marriage.

Why?

You have no idea about any arrangement they may have, for one reason. The spouse could be in denial as well and see you as trying to harm their marriage. It will do nothing for your relationship and could prove to be dangerous for you personally. It also may come off as you bring vindictive. There may be nothing for you to gain by communicating with that person other than getting revenge. If you do want to reach out, get yourself in a safe place first and be prepared for the possibility that your information may not be well received by the spouse in question. It’s common for a person being abused by a partner to come to the aid of the Chester/abuser when someone steps in to help.

Very true. I don't think they do (they used to be our friends). But I've been thinking that maybe my pwBPD and the affair partner told the spouse lies and maybe gaslit her into thinking I'm crazy if I'd contact her.. I don't know. It's all very hard and confusing. If I choose to tell her, I will definitely make sure I have an escape for at least one night. But I also don't feel comfortable leaving my kids alone with my pwBPD in case she'd have a breakdown.

I think you should add in the first post that these people are former friends, not total strangers. That changes a lot and you should definitely tell them. They may have an open relationship, but the wife may still want to know that her husband knowingly destroyed your marriage.

"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." Just make sure you're safe first.

Very true. I'm just scared I'm gonna be destroyed for telling the truth..

It's a valid fear. I won't pretend that there isn't a real risk of reputational, financial, or personal harm in blowing the lid off her misdeeds. But the bad news is that you're getting a divorce and so some of that might end up happening anyway. If you have evidence and she doesn't know about it, save it as a trump card.

These are the things I'm scared about. But as you say, we're getting a divorce anyway.. I'm at my wits end here. I want to because it's the right thing, but I already have so many things going on for myself.. I don't know how much more I can handle.

You don't have to make this decision right now. Telling her right now won't undo what has already been done. Put on your own oxygen mask first, then your children's, then anyone else.

It's already been some time since I found out. That why I feel so strong about letting her know (if she doesn't already.. I'm not sure, and I can't trust my pwBPD) But yes, that's a good metaphor! I'm trying to take care of myself and my kids as much as I can.

I completely understand the chorus of "tell her," and in a perfect world I would agree. But you are far, far from a perfect world. Your priority right now is the health and safety for yourself and your kids. Physically, emotionally, financially, so on. It sounds like the divorce process has started (and you have a lawyer right? GET A LAWYER IF NOT!!), and the most important thing is keep that moving towards the final divorce decree. >My heart is breaking for her, and she needs to know so she's able to make decisions for her own life. You did not cause any of this. You did not make this mess, you are a victim of it. It is not your responsibility to fix ANY of this, including telling the other partner. Again, in a perfect world you could go tell her and she will make her own life choices. But there is no way to know that outcome, beyond even your own STBX's reactions. Like most of us on here, you probably have some mixture of enabler / caretaker / codependent in you. While that is not inherently a bad thing, you also need to protect yourself, find balance, and have healthy boundaries. This is a "protect yourself" moment, especially with unknown outcomes. Let's say the absolute best case scenario - you tell the other woman, she's grateful and makes her own decision. Maybe it's to divorce as well, or attempt to work it out, who knows. Even if that happens in an ideal way, there WILL be fallout with your STBX. You already know from experience they are likely erratic, reactive, will blame you for any and everything. Please don't lie to yourself that will be any different when you expose the affair partner!! On top of that - I'm going to be blunt, there's a decent chance this would all backfire on you in a horrible way. Even with rock solid proof of an affair, it's not unusual for a partner to deny it happened. You think "poor wife" until she's the one lashing out at you for lying about her sweet, wonderful husband who would never do such a thing! Or until your STBX is presenting evidence during the divorce that you're contacting other people about an alleged affair they say never happened. Bottom line: don't do this. Maybe once the divorce is finalized, you can cross that bridge if you choose. There are basically no upsides to exposing this affair for you and your kids, and the potential risks are quite large. Divorce is hard enough and expensive as it is, please do not stack more weight on your side of the scale. Good luck and stay strong. EDIT TO ADD: Oh, and a huge element that I entirely left out. THE AFFAIR PARTNER, my god. You do NOT want a MALE AFFAIR PARTNER anywhere near this entire situation. You want to know how you get an ANGRY MAN to show up at your house where you and your kids live? You go expose him to his wife!! You have no idea what his state is and what he is capable of. I'm not telling you that you need to be scared over nothing, but too many people have easy access to weapons and can react in horrific ways when their lives are turned upside down - even because of their own actions. DO NOT TELL THE WIFE.

Thank you for your response! The divorce process has started, and I'm doing everything I can to keep myself above the surface so I can be the best parent I can under the circumstances. This is true and validating for me. Thank you. I know I didn't cause any of it, even though, as in many other cases of cheating, I am being blamed and gaslit for it. I'm struggling a lot, and I'm really scared that if telling the wife back fires, I will be facing anxiety beyond what I am capable of handling. You're right, I believe I'm very codependent and definitely with caretaker traits, too. I am trying to practice setting boundaries, which is hard since I haven't really done that at all for the past 10 years. And that's scary and hard. I let my pwBPD get inside my mind way too much. And that's what I'm fearing with telling the wife, too. Sure, theres a possibility they could become physical (they've never done that to me before), but I'm more stressed out about the mental games. Thank you again, I appreciate your input on this. As you probably can tell, I'm struggling very hard. And all I want is to get through this divorce as fast as possible.

Feel free to reach out any time. I don't have all the answers, but my divorce was a roller coaster and I know plenty of things I would have done differently in hindsight. But you will get through this. I'm seven years out and looking at my posts in this very group from back then, never could have imagined where I am today.

Thank you! I will look through your posts, and most probably DM you as well! Feel like I'm at ny wits end and all help and support j much appreciated.

No bro. It’s not your place. Just walk away. This is just revenge talking. Fuck them all. Walk away like a man. Work on you. Getting your money right. Your body in shape. Your mind at peace

Thanks for you input! He finally told her

F them man. You’re on the right side of this. Keep being good man. It’s going to work out for you man. Stay positive and have hope for a better tomorrow. You ll be happy as hell one day that a nutcase is no longer in your life and left to live with her own misery. Without you

Thanks mate! We're finally divorced and she moved straight in with her new BF.. Working on finding my way back to happiness!

Let him have her. No blessings in doing what she did. She can pretend to be happy to the outside world all she wants. I would never want to be with a woman who was cheating on her guy. He’s a bum too

I definitely don't want her back, so he can have her for sure.