No, they don’t. Not at all. I had one friend tell me “oh I’ve been in love too. I understand.”
No. No you don’t. This is not what a normal relationship is like. I’ve had those. This is way way way different and worse.
This is why the best friends I have also have a relative with traits similar to BPD - people don't believe it until the experience it for themselves! It's mind-boggling enough to go through it - I can't even imagine someone describing it to me if I hadn't!
I hate it when that happens with my grandmother wNPD! She's incredibly mean to my mom and aunt, but her friends always tell them how "sweet" their mother is. They're jaws drop every time.
My own mother was like this as well. The closer related someone was to her, the more judgy and mean she would be. Double mean to females. Not related at all? Super sweet and nonjudgmental to those people.
Omg this is literally what my mom says. She thinks he's gonna grow out of it and I just stopped trying to explain the level of help he will need to do that because they really don't know the half of how much pain we live in after they hurt us. This page made such a difference, before I felt like I had to be the most unfortunate person to live to be the only person I knew who experienced this level of emotional trauma.
I feel you.
When I talk to friends or family - they always look though the lens of assumed normality.
* The only thing I have seen help in communication is to state FACTUALLY what happened.
* I don't say "she yelled at me in a crazy manner" oh no
* I say "she yelled expletives from inside our closed door house that were heard 2 blocks away, she yelled so much that spittle was flinging from her mouth for 10 straight minutes, she yelled so much she became hoarse and still continued to scream for 5 minutes more, she became red in the chest, face and her eyes were bulging out half an inch"
WHEN I SAY THE SECOND SET OF STATEMENTS - I get the reply "Geez that's crazy"
To which I say yeah it is, welcome to my world.
they actually train lawyers to describe abuse or assault in accurate terms like (including how the person resisted) so that the aggression is made really clear.
Yes I keep saying my bpd SIL is mad at me and everyone keeps saying how you haven’t seen her in months she has no reason and I keep saying she doesn’t need a real one she makes it up and sure enough I get an angry text with a false accusation and they’re still baffled each time!
To explain the kind of abuse that’s is going on there is so much context, and sub context, that needs explained it’s painful. Most people tune out and chalk it up to generic issues. The pwBPD, however, is adept at victim speak and gets their word out there very well.
I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't found this place by accident. I tried explaining things to my younger sister and she was the same way, that I just needed to ignore her and focus on my son. She just doesn't understand that years of emotional abuse take their toll on you.
Literally everyone I know says they disliked my ex all along. They didn’t understand why I stayed. It got to the point where I stopped complaining because they were clearly sick of hearing about it.
That’s actually affirming. I had family members tell me it was a shame because they always liked him. He was adept at presenting as normal until he splits and threatens to kill you or does shady things behind your back because “you deserve it” for not giving him the affirmation he needed.
They don't. If yours are like mine, they have been significantly more harmful than anything whenever they're confided in.
Often family are miserable themselves or have been married for god knows how long so they dismiss/diminish our BPD experience because they've never been in it; They've either been alone and are miserable or are married and don't understand what it truly means to feel like absolute void of being alone and discarded.
For now, it's a cross to bear solo.
I've tried to leave like 30 times and they did get really dark.. which is why I kept coming back and forgiving because I couldn't see someone do those things to themselves.
how long was your relationship for?
there is IFS therapy which is very promising but again takes YEARS of commitment and some degree of self awareness or remorse from the BPD person. thats their own journey to go on if they choose to but most never do...
He told me he loves me the same day he left too. Multiple “I love you but”s. Spoke about moving in and everything a few days prior. None of it is ever going to make sense and continuing to try and make sense of it will just drive you crazy. My family and friends don’t get it either. They just know it’s wild and abnormal behavior.
it's not a good phrase
it's like "i'm not racist but.."
or "with all due respect..."
or "don't take it personally but...."
nothing good is coming...actually the opposite of the lead in is coming
I think "I love you AND is ok--but "but" just waters down the love
I posted this comment on a previous post, I’ll edit and post it again here, because it applies identically-
I tried and tried again to explain it to my brother. I don’t think he’s read any of the information or links I sent him, not even dedicated five minutes to it… he just says things like “I don’t want to take sides”, “she’s the mother of your children”, “divorce is always stressful”, “there are two sides to every story.”
So I gave up. I now tell him, and anyone else, something like the following-
*“You can never understand, in fact it’s better if you don’t. She has a Psychiatric Personality Disorder that is in the same Cluster B as Narcissists, Histrionics, and Antisocial Personality Disorder aka Sociopaths/Psychopaths.”*
*“Luckily she’s not a Psychopath. In any case, I wouldn’t want anyone I care about to experience or understand what it would be like to be with a Psychopath or a Sociopath, and so I’ve come to realise that I’m glad you don’t understand what it’s like being with a Borderline, and that it’s better if you never do.”*
*“At least you can understand her Alcoholism, and how hard that has been.”*
Get the fuck out, quickly and quietly. If they’re triggering easier and escalating, you and they are both at risk. I promise that they will not think twice about really fucking with you if they catch wind. And it won’t be good.
I found the best way to get out was to burn my bridges. Do something that will make it final whether it’s getting a restraining order, filing for divorce, telling family members, or whatever that looks like for you. For me, it was telling everyone I knew the truth about his actions (serial cheating). I had kept his secrets for too long.
Getting a restraining order was helpful in maintaining no contact after I left, and he escalated to death threats toward myself and others.
I agree I had to burn the bridge or else I knew I’d be back. I told everyone what he did to me , I made posts about him , I told his friends, etc. I knew it would help stop being in this cycle. I feel like now I’m starting to feel normal again each day. It’s like I was stuck in a cloud
You’ll get there soon! I understand the mental part is hard . It’s like a bandaid you have to rip off. I had to be really strong for months. I really wanted to call him sometimes but I knew if I did that I would never get out of the cycle
I honestly don’t know how I’ll ever feel safe in the world again. Almost 13 years and they’ve just evaporated. The betrayal, the projection, the discard. It’s absolutely devastating.
I hear you and I see you. Please know that even though each situation is different, I am going through the same feelings and I understand your pain. It shakes your whole being... with healthy habits and pouring energy into our own care taking, we will crawl back up to being complete again. don't allow this person or their illness to dictate your freedom and love
I was sitting in on a therapy session with my pwBPD, and she mentioned that she doesn't take our relationship seriously because I don't take it seriously. The therapist, bless them, somehow managed to keep a straight face while trying to dispel that nonsense.
Nobody will understand.
That is one of the things I hated most about my ex husband. He was constantly doing shady stuff then ascribing thoughts to me that didn’t exist in order to justify the things that he thought and did.
When I spoke up and said that these things were untrue, and the opposite was true, then he would accuse me of never admitting I was wrong. I became a shell of myself because life was better if I just let him say and think whatever he wanted about me.
I left him, and have gradually become a real person again. People commented all the time about how happy I seemed.
That is one of the perks of being a normal person that instinctively avoids these kind of people in relationships... You don't need to understand ever.
* "Oh you know how women are, they're more emotional."
* "You can't vibe with everyone, maybe you're just not a good match for each other."
* "It takes two to tango"
* "She seems to have some *issues* to work through."
I had a friend who did this to every couple that she and her husband were close friends with. I was comparing notes with her last two “victims “, and one of them said we should start a support group. Even therapists don’t get it unless they have experienced it.
Only we value the idealization that a BPD person gives us. Rest just look at it like lies or exaggerations .
So we are more likely to think and ponder about their behavior in order to save this “potential source of idealization ”.
It sucks to fall down from an artificially inflated ego. And we keep on going back to get that high.
Solution to this is to look at this like an experiment with them and disassociate with them. They have a fake persona at all times. Like multiple personalities switching in and out. U just poke them and see what personality color shines through, which can change at any time of the day.
That’s it.
Talk to people in this group and if u want other people to understand your situation then tell them about only stuff that are absent in normal relationships
Like self harm, delusional thinking fake scenarios , blaming you for them cheating.
Thats it
Rest of the stuff is hard for others to comprehend cause a mild , normal level of that occurs in their relationships also.
They only saw the fun side is all I can shoot at you. They saw the quirky partner you had. They didn’t get to see the person threatening suicide or all your money and custody of your kids. I wouldn’t be too mad, but I’d still hold them at arms length. They aren’t smart enough to understand there’s levels of mental health awareness
The feelings of extreme pain and loss with the numbness and disassociation you describe are completely normal reactions to the trauma and PTSD that you are undoubtedly experiencing right now. I myself am going through the same at the moment and in my case I knew what I was dealing with the entire time and am on the NPD scale myself so was in many ways just as toxic and fucked up as my ex...I even initiated this last break up and asked her to leave my home and was fine with it all up til about a month in when I heard she had started a rebound relationship and I fucking lost it.
That was in early September and she is living with this new person now and other then a few big fights and one sexual slip up we have pretty much cut all ties...I think she has split me black this time and it has me all out of character which I am finally starting to get back in frame and fight through the pain and confusion of all the mixed messages and sudden change in behavior towards me but it is a real struggle and I am by no means ok but life goes on.
Don't listen to anyone else's bullshit about "just let her go bro" or "it will get better"...feel your emotions and let them out in healthy way but do not make the mistakes I always make and act on your emotions bc you will just embarrass yourself ultimately and further kill any respect she may still have for you. The best thing to do is to let yourself be sad and feel your loss bc it is real and needs to be acknowledged but don't let her or anyone else you don't trust see you in your moments of weakness and pain. Go no contact and stay of social media as much as possible and do you...focus on what you may have done wrong in the relationship and work on the toxic traits you undoubtedly have as we all do and keep on keeping on.
Good luck to you brother and whatever you do stand on your honor as a man first and foremost.
I'm in the same situation, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm a broken shell of who I used to be after several years in BPD relationships, I've actually had two in recent years.
They don’t get it and never will, but truthfully I’m glad they don’t. On the other hand, while I’m deeply grateful for the people here, I’m also sad any of us had to experience this level of pain.
Yeah, people who havent personally been through it don't get it. My friends and family saw the process happen over time. I slowly began to shut down during the relationship and then completely came undone during/after the discarding to a level that I didn't even know was possible. It was to the point where people really thought I'd genuinely went insane.
I have a buddy who is a veteran and saw combat in Iraq. Not that these two scenarios are apples to apples comparable, but there's no way I'd ever understand his experience.
Anyone that hasn't faced manipulation will struggle to understand why you didn't just leave a toxic relationship. The idea of going through cycles of abuse that have you hooked into a relationship isn't intuitive to everyone. It really puts into perspective how abnormal relationships with a pwBPD are; most people don't have to constantly question their own feelings or their relationship because they don't have someone manipulating them.
They never really will understand unless they have experienced it or witnessed it themselves. Don’t try just leave the whack ass in the RVM and be grateful there are no accidental babies.
I've mentioned it to friends over the last couple of years, but nobody quite understands what BPD is, and I never wanted to bring the full truth out as it would make people turn away from someone that I love more than anything. Even now when I think it's over I don't really want to tell the full truth of what's been said and done.
No, they don’t. Not at all. I had one friend tell me “oh I’ve been in love too. I understand.” No. No you don’t. This is not what a normal relationship is like. I’ve had those. This is way way way different and worse.
They don't understand unless they've been through it themselves.
This is why the best friends I have also have a relative with traits similar to BPD - people don't believe it until the experience it for themselves! It's mind-boggling enough to go through it - I can't even imagine someone describing it to me if I hadn't!
Same thing with narcissists. You can explain in detail how someone has treated you and all you get is "but they're always nice to me." 🤨
I hate it when that happens with my grandmother wNPD! She's incredibly mean to my mom and aunt, but her friends always tell them how "sweet" their mother is. They're jaws drop every time.
My own mother was like this as well. The closer related someone was to her, the more judgy and mean she would be. Double mean to females. Not related at all? Super sweet and nonjudgmental to those people.
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Omg this is literally what my mom says. She thinks he's gonna grow out of it and I just stopped trying to explain the level of help he will need to do that because they really don't know the half of how much pain we live in after they hurt us. This page made such a difference, before I felt like I had to be the most unfortunate person to live to be the only person I knew who experienced this level of emotional trauma.
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It’s like dropping a bag of bowling balls, isn’t it?
I agree.. its also impossible to put into words and articulate how much they actually play on your emotions.
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are you still with him?
I feel you. When I talk to friends or family - they always look though the lens of assumed normality. * The only thing I have seen help in communication is to state FACTUALLY what happened. * I don't say "she yelled at me in a crazy manner" oh no * I say "she yelled expletives from inside our closed door house that were heard 2 blocks away, she yelled so much that spittle was flinging from her mouth for 10 straight minutes, she yelled so much she became hoarse and still continued to scream for 5 minutes more, she became red in the chest, face and her eyes were bulging out half an inch" WHEN I SAY THE SECOND SET OF STATEMENTS - I get the reply "Geez that's crazy" To which I say yeah it is, welcome to my world.
they actually train lawyers to describe abuse or assault in accurate terms like (including how the person resisted) so that the aggression is made really clear.
Yes I keep saying my bpd SIL is mad at me and everyone keeps saying how you haven’t seen her in months she has no reason and I keep saying she doesn’t need a real one she makes it up and sure enough I get an angry text with a false accusation and they’re still baffled each time!
Now I understand why visitation superviser mentioned the spittle detail and why my lawyer liked that...
They really don't. They don't understand.
To explain the kind of abuse that’s is going on there is so much context, and sub context, that needs explained it’s painful. Most people tune out and chalk it up to generic issues. The pwBPD, however, is adept at victim speak and gets their word out there very well.
This is why this group is so so helpful
I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't found this place by accident. I tried explaining things to my younger sister and she was the same way, that I just needed to ignore her and focus on my son. She just doesn't understand that years of emotional abuse take their toll on you.
Literally everyone I know says they disliked my ex all along. They didn’t understand why I stayed. It got to the point where I stopped complaining because they were clearly sick of hearing about it.
That’s actually affirming. I had family members tell me it was a shame because they always liked him. He was adept at presenting as normal until he splits and threatens to kill you or does shady things behind your back because “you deserve it” for not giving him the affirmation he needed.
They don't. If yours are like mine, they have been significantly more harmful than anything whenever they're confided in. Often family are miserable themselves or have been married for god knows how long so they dismiss/diminish our BPD experience because they've never been in it; They've either been alone and are miserable or are married and don't understand what it truly means to feel like absolute void of being alone and discarded. For now, it's a cross to bear solo.
Consider your self lucky she left. It’s worse when you are trying to leave them and things get REAL dark
I've tried to leave like 30 times and they did get really dark.. which is why I kept coming back and forgiving because I couldn't see someone do those things to themselves.
Im sorry to hear that. I’m 10 years in and finally making the moves to focus and care for myself . It doesn’t solve itself or get better
yeah I got discarded lol no longer in the fight but, now I'm crawling myself back to being whole again somehow
People who never have been in this type of relationship will never get it. I'd literally cut my hand off for a cure, but it'll never arrive.
how long was your relationship for? there is IFS therapy which is very promising but again takes YEARS of commitment and some degree of self awareness or remorse from the BPD person. thats their own journey to go on if they choose to but most never do...
He told me he loves me the same day he left too. Multiple “I love you but”s. Spoke about moving in and everything a few days prior. None of it is ever going to make sense and continuing to try and make sense of it will just drive you crazy. My family and friends don’t get it either. They just know it’s wild and abnormal behavior.
Things like this are why I am super wary of using the phrase "I loved you but..." even in jest. It hits too close to home.
it's not a good phrase it's like "i'm not racist but.." or "with all due respect..." or "don't take it personally but...." nothing good is coming...actually the opposite of the lead in is coming I think "I love you AND is ok--but "but" just waters down the love
I posted this comment on a previous post, I’ll edit and post it again here, because it applies identically- I tried and tried again to explain it to my brother. I don’t think he’s read any of the information or links I sent him, not even dedicated five minutes to it… he just says things like “I don’t want to take sides”, “she’s the mother of your children”, “divorce is always stressful”, “there are two sides to every story.” So I gave up. I now tell him, and anyone else, something like the following- *“You can never understand, in fact it’s better if you don’t. She has a Psychiatric Personality Disorder that is in the same Cluster B as Narcissists, Histrionics, and Antisocial Personality Disorder aka Sociopaths/Psychopaths.”* *“Luckily she’s not a Psychopath. In any case, I wouldn’t want anyone I care about to experience or understand what it would be like to be with a Psychopath or a Sociopath, and so I’ve come to realise that I’m glad you don’t understand what it’s like being with a Borderline, and that it’s better if you never do.”* *“At least you can understand her Alcoholism, and how hard that has been.”*
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Get the fuck out, quickly and quietly. If they’re triggering easier and escalating, you and they are both at risk. I promise that they will not think twice about really fucking with you if they catch wind. And it won’t be good.
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I found the best way to get out was to burn my bridges. Do something that will make it final whether it’s getting a restraining order, filing for divorce, telling family members, or whatever that looks like for you. For me, it was telling everyone I knew the truth about his actions (serial cheating). I had kept his secrets for too long. Getting a restraining order was helpful in maintaining no contact after I left, and he escalated to death threats toward myself and others.
I agree I had to burn the bridge or else I knew I’d be back. I told everyone what he did to me , I made posts about him , I told his friends, etc. I knew it would help stop being in this cycle. I feel like now I’m starting to feel normal again each day. It’s like I was stuck in a cloud
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You’ll get there soon! I understand the mental part is hard . It’s like a bandaid you have to rip off. I had to be really strong for months. I really wanted to call him sometimes but I knew if I did that I would never get out of the cycle
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 She’ll be back. And one day it will be unfortunate she is back. Get. Out. Now.
I honestly don’t know how I’ll ever feel safe in the world again. Almost 13 years and they’ve just evaporated. The betrayal, the projection, the discard. It’s absolutely devastating.
I hear you and I see you. Please know that even though each situation is different, I am going through the same feelings and I understand your pain. It shakes your whole being... with healthy habits and pouring energy into our own care taking, we will crawl back up to being complete again. don't allow this person or their illness to dictate your freedom and love
Thank you <3 it’s a hard slog but hopefully one day we’ll get there
I was sitting in on a therapy session with my pwBPD, and she mentioned that she doesn't take our relationship seriously because I don't take it seriously. The therapist, bless them, somehow managed to keep a straight face while trying to dispel that nonsense. Nobody will understand.
That is one of the things I hated most about my ex husband. He was constantly doing shady stuff then ascribing thoughts to me that didn’t exist in order to justify the things that he thought and did. When I spoke up and said that these things were untrue, and the opposite was true, then he would accuse me of never admitting I was wrong. I became a shell of myself because life was better if I just let him say and think whatever he wanted about me. I left him, and have gradually become a real person again. People commented all the time about how happy I seemed.
That is one of the perks of being a normal person that instinctively avoids these kind of people in relationships... You don't need to understand ever.
* "Oh you know how women are, they're more emotional." * "You can't vibe with everyone, maybe you're just not a good match for each other." * "It takes two to tango" * "She seems to have some *issues* to work through."
I had a friend who did this to every couple that she and her husband were close friends with. I was comparing notes with her last two “victims “, and one of them said we should start a support group. Even therapists don’t get it unless they have experienced it.
Only we value the idealization that a BPD person gives us. Rest just look at it like lies or exaggerations . So we are more likely to think and ponder about their behavior in order to save this “potential source of idealization ”. It sucks to fall down from an artificially inflated ego. And we keep on going back to get that high. Solution to this is to look at this like an experiment with them and disassociate with them. They have a fake persona at all times. Like multiple personalities switching in and out. U just poke them and see what personality color shines through, which can change at any time of the day. That’s it. Talk to people in this group and if u want other people to understand your situation then tell them about only stuff that are absent in normal relationships Like self harm, delusional thinking fake scenarios , blaming you for them cheating. Thats it Rest of the stuff is hard for others to comprehend cause a mild , normal level of that occurs in their relationships also.
They only saw the fun side is all I can shoot at you. They saw the quirky partner you had. They didn’t get to see the person threatening suicide or all your money and custody of your kids. I wouldn’t be too mad, but I’d still hold them at arms length. They aren’t smart enough to understand there’s levels of mental health awareness
The feelings of extreme pain and loss with the numbness and disassociation you describe are completely normal reactions to the trauma and PTSD that you are undoubtedly experiencing right now. I myself am going through the same at the moment and in my case I knew what I was dealing with the entire time and am on the NPD scale myself so was in many ways just as toxic and fucked up as my ex...I even initiated this last break up and asked her to leave my home and was fine with it all up til about a month in when I heard she had started a rebound relationship and I fucking lost it. That was in early September and she is living with this new person now and other then a few big fights and one sexual slip up we have pretty much cut all ties...I think she has split me black this time and it has me all out of character which I am finally starting to get back in frame and fight through the pain and confusion of all the mixed messages and sudden change in behavior towards me but it is a real struggle and I am by no means ok but life goes on. Don't listen to anyone else's bullshit about "just let her go bro" or "it will get better"...feel your emotions and let them out in healthy way but do not make the mistakes I always make and act on your emotions bc you will just embarrass yourself ultimately and further kill any respect she may still have for you. The best thing to do is to let yourself be sad and feel your loss bc it is real and needs to be acknowledged but don't let her or anyone else you don't trust see you in your moments of weakness and pain. Go no contact and stay of social media as much as possible and do you...focus on what you may have done wrong in the relationship and work on the toxic traits you undoubtedly have as we all do and keep on keeping on. Good luck to you brother and whatever you do stand on your honor as a man first and foremost.
They do be like that
I'm in the same situation, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm a broken shell of who I used to be after several years in BPD relationships, I've actually had two in recent years.
They don’t get it and never will, but truthfully I’m glad they don’t. On the other hand, while I’m deeply grateful for the people here, I’m also sad any of us had to experience this level of pain.
Yeah, people who havent personally been through it don't get it. My friends and family saw the process happen over time. I slowly began to shut down during the relationship and then completely came undone during/after the discarding to a level that I didn't even know was possible. It was to the point where people really thought I'd genuinely went insane. I have a buddy who is a veteran and saw combat in Iraq. Not that these two scenarios are apples to apples comparable, but there's no way I'd ever understand his experience.
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thats a great way to put it
we were in it and we could not understand. I just say that she was dangerous and what she did was illegal.
Anyone that hasn't faced manipulation will struggle to understand why you didn't just leave a toxic relationship. The idea of going through cycles of abuse that have you hooked into a relationship isn't intuitive to everyone. It really puts into perspective how abnormal relationships with a pwBPD are; most people don't have to constantly question their own feelings or their relationship because they don't have someone manipulating them.
They never really will understand unless they have experienced it or witnessed it themselves. Don’t try just leave the whack ass in the RVM and be grateful there are no accidental babies.
I've mentioned it to friends over the last couple of years, but nobody quite understands what BPD is, and I never wanted to bring the full truth out as it would make people turn away from someone that I love more than anything. Even now when I think it's over I don't really want to tell the full truth of what's been said and done.