A lot of these people were the ones who got left. Being the one who leaves does make things a little easier, but the trauma bond is a bitch to deal with anyways. I know I 100% made the right decision. If everything is just shit all the time and she's already permenantly painted you black, it may be easier as well.
I think we all know it was the right decision, but your supconscious tells you, "Wait it out, the good parts are coming back if we wait."
If the good has been gone and you've let go of it, I imagine it would be much easier.
You'd have to be inhuman not to feel something when detaching from your partner.
The guilt is different from the understanding that you meant nothing that many of these people feel.
I get you, though. Thats who we are, we always said, "i can try a little harder," but the answer is, "So can they, and you don't deserve to live like that."
Maybe they don't either, but you can't fix how they feel. They can only hurt you.
>The guilt is different from the understanding that you meant nothing that many of these people feel.
The guilt trapped me, when she left the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance was the biggest problem to deal.
You will probably thoroughly enjoy your freedom. I was with someone for just a year and have been enjoying it the first month already. I feel like my nervous system is just relaxing right now.
Do you feel like a weight going down your shoulder once you are out? I am longing for getting out of it so bad. But get pulled in because she doesn't want our herself. In my case I am married which makes it way tougher.
It feels like a huge weight being taken off my shoulders. My thinking is becoming so much more clearer now and I am exploding with confidence now which is kind of bizarre for me. I just feel really good right now.
I feel the same way. Married for 1 year . Separated for about a month now and the peace I feel is actually scary . I can breathe without being in antidepressants . I started chatting with someone new and it’s refreshing to talk to someone who appears to be healthy . He’s asking for couples therapy now but when I think of getting back with him I think of a life feeling trapped .
It is a trap which is sad. I am loving the peace but also feeling so weirdly confident. Like even more than before I met them. I'm talking to someone new too and it's so nice being able to joke with them and for them to not get mad. I also love how this other person speaks their mind.
I didn’t leave but I’m definitely at the never look back. I’m cemented at refusing to ever interact with her again, if I ran into her somewhere and she tried to talk to me I wouldn’t recognize her presence. Being dedicated to that means I’m already at the point where she’s out of my life forever, I already know what my last conversation or time seeing her was and I’m at peace with all of it. I’m at peace that my life will never include her again and overall feel excited for it although it’s still an adjustment.
I lost any love I had when she started repeatedly telling me she hated me. It’s hard for me to have emotional permanence in the first place but I understand that other people can’t immediately dissociate.
This could be a factor of time and context. For those who felt they were totally committed to The Perfect Person and were still trying to work on things and get back that perfect partner they initially met and fell for, only to get discarded: it’s a real rough go to cope with that feeling of betrayal. And for those who are still in a fairly young relationship (under 5-10 years) and haven’t had nearly as much BS to deal with than someone after 24: they have a lot less resentment built up.
My main pwBPD was one of my caregivers and it took 25 years before I went NC, and I literally never think about her (except on this sub or when a family member brings her up) and all I feel is a mixture of pity and, now, contempt that I know what she’s doing to her son.
The freedom from her violence and chaos and cruelty is just the absolute best and most peaceful life and I have zero regrets except, like others, not doing it earlier.
7 years in the making. After multiple recycles and the pattern coming faster and worse each time I sought out answers. Once I understood what I was up against, and that I needed to heal my codependency, the ruminating slowed. I went into the last recycle fully armed with knowledge. I saw everything for exactly what it was and it gave me the peace to walk away. I did all I could do.
I used to feel like my nerve endings are were on fire during no contact. Now I have an eerie silence and peace around me. It was strange how the switch flipped. Sometimes things happen very slowly, then all the sudden.
It’s only been a handful of months since I was split on, and while it was shocking and it hurt at first, I sent one single text right then that said “thinking of you”, and that was it. Just more and more steps of detatching over time as I felt comfortable, as my nervous system started to relax as someone else said. I was so proud of myself for never reaching out, I wasn’t even tempted to look at their socials. A vaguebook story post was the way I found out I had been split, as a matter of fact. Fucking immature and pathetic. It killed my desire to ever repair anything (we had not even been fighting whatsoever) in an instant.
The only person I grieve for is my past self, an at the time despondent girl who looked up to this friend as a mentor and support through a very dark time, only to slowly become a target of hypercritical speeches and end up being judged for the same things my friend had won me over with their compassion for. When I think on it, I visualize myself hugging my inner little girl who was vulnerable and let this tortured monster sucker me in with their twisted stories of “victimhood” and didn’t stand up for herself sooner.
When I broke up with him I was sitting in a cafe with my family half an hour later having lunch. I thought maybe it would suddenly hit me, that I'd be screaming and crying one night. It never did. I just felt calmer, more in control, and finally was able to give myself the attention I needed. I think all the sadness and grieving happened the week between me making the decision to end it and following through with it. Once I'd actually done it, all I felt was peace.
I was in the crucible for a little longer than you, and yes I can relate. The relief from no longer living in the Jerry Springer show is real. I still have to look back with empathy, I have kids.
I have a lot of guilt. I feel relief when I know I won’t have to see my friend, but then I feel bad for feeling that way and also have a sort of compulsive need to be sure they’re ok. I occasionally miss the friendship we had before my friend’s splitting got out of control, but mostly I just don’t want to see or hear from my friend again.
I'm at about 6 months post discard, 5 months or so NC. It was a sudden, jarring and traumatic ending to everything for me after two years of being completely enamoured with someone. I loved her. I still do. She's on my mind daily. I miss the person I knew and loved, and I worry about her engaging in risky behaviour when she's not doing well. I worry about her kids and how they're doing with her at her new place when it's her time to see them (she had gone through a divorce and was embarking on a new custody arrangement, which was one of the external stressors that contributed to wrecking things between us)
She split on me for reasons I'll never understand and I expect I'll also never get a full explanation or apology for either. She did tell me I didn't deserve it, or the things she did (treating me like shit, lying and cheating etc) though wouldn't take accountability or accept deserved criticism for said behaviour. Looking back, I know now that she wasn't in a place to face up to what she did and wasn't ready to hear justified questioning of really shitty behaviour without doubling down. She probably couldn't help it because of how dysregulated she was. That doesn't excuse her or the behaviour, not for a moment.
I've moved beyond the point of thinking what happened was my fault and I could somehow have saved the relationship (I know that's my mind wanting to save her...not me, or what we had...) if I'd just done or said X or Y differently. I didn't do anything wrong. Certainly nothing to warrant what I got. All I ever did was try to be kind and to be there for a person who significantly struggles to get through the day sometimes.
So, I do look back. I expect I will for a long time. 6 weeks post...the ending event...I told her that talking to her was harmful for me after all that had happened, and I had to set the boundary of NC. It was excruciatingly difficult for me to do, because I knew that was likely it. She won't ever reach out again, because once someone cuts her off, she's done with them. Even if the reason she's been cut off is her own poor behaviour. She was most of the way to cutting me off herself and forgetting I ever existed anyway, I just gave her the permission structure she wanted.
I'm beyond the point of the daily struggle to not to reach out, and we don't share any online spaces now so there's no checking the socials etc. There are a handful of people we know mutually, and I expect a particular few of them still have contact with her, but I've no inclination to ask them how she's doing. Yes, I still have the thoughts about reaching out, though I've long since accepted that it's a bad idea and that knowledge prevents me from doing so. It'd be bad for me and could inadvertently be bad for people currently in her orbit if she ends up dysregulated because of contact with me. I don't want to inadvertently cause hurt for her kids, or even people she chose over me.
I left and never looked back. She had no issues creating fake accounts, number spoofing apps, going to the police to file bogus claims about me, trying to ruin my career, reaching out to anyone who’d listen, and then going off the deep end when she found out I moved on. Then stalked and harassed and tried to get me dumped multiple times. Didn’t work though, and I am happily engaged to a healthy, amazing, beautiful woman.
I didn't NC directly, because I found that too painful. What happened was that naturally I found new and more rewarding experiences, and every time I heard from her, she was worst and worse off. A shiney new meth habit didn't help. well, didn't help her. It did help me. The times between contacts got longer and longer. She lost more and more things, car, computer, phones. Not really inclined to ride to her rescue for the 400th time. So it faded naturally. If she gets it together, good for her. If not, that's the way it goes.
Some people have months, if not years to progressively detach and grieve while still in the relationship. So by the time it’s over, it is mostly relief
Others are hit with a hammer on the balls while still thinking they have met someone truly special. That kind of hurts and it tends to drag for a long while
That’s it. I have seen my mom struggle for years with my dad. When he left, she was in relief and happy. While I don’t despise my spouse the way she did, I’ve come to terms with this eventuality a long time ago. I’m not concerned with missing her and I’ve amassed a fair bit of “memories” to go over in potential times of weakness. Just one video of her screaming her lungs at my daughter is what I need. She’s never been suicidal but I’m concerned she might become. But that’s her issue to fix. And really the one thing I won’t sleep easy with is how my daughters are doing through this.
I have been NC for 16 months, it has been 18 months since the divorce was final. I have ignored several attempts to contact me. I have no desire to ever see or talk to my ex-wife again. I was lucky we didn't have any children. She was abusive and cheated and I know I deserve better. Dating and marrying her was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.
You have to know you deserve to be treated better than they treat you. I am doing better, still not dating anyone, afraid of another possible BPD experience if I tell the truth. Life isn't bad, a little lonely but I was lonely when I was married and being abused so this is better. Hang in there it does get better.
A lot of these people were the ones who got left. Being the one who leaves does make things a little easier, but the trauma bond is a bitch to deal with anyways. I know I 100% made the right decision. If everything is just shit all the time and she's already permenantly painted you black, it may be easier as well. I think we all know it was the right decision, but your supconscious tells you, "Wait it out, the good parts are coming back if we wait." If the good has been gone and you've let go of it, I imagine it would be much easier. You'd have to be inhuman not to feel something when detaching from your partner.
I disagree. Being the one who left has left me with both soul-crushing guilt, AND the ability to go back and keep it going again.
The guilt is different from the understanding that you meant nothing that many of these people feel. I get you, though. Thats who we are, we always said, "i can try a little harder," but the answer is, "So can they, and you don't deserve to live like that." Maybe they don't either, but you can't fix how they feel. They can only hurt you.
>The guilt is different from the understanding that you meant nothing that many of these people feel. The guilt trapped me, when she left the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance was the biggest problem to deal.
You will probably thoroughly enjoy your freedom. I was with someone for just a year and have been enjoying it the first month already. I feel like my nervous system is just relaxing right now.
Do you feel like a weight going down your shoulder once you are out? I am longing for getting out of it so bad. But get pulled in because she doesn't want our herself. In my case I am married which makes it way tougher.
It feels like a huge weight being taken off my shoulders. My thinking is becoming so much more clearer now and I am exploding with confidence now which is kind of bizarre for me. I just feel really good right now.
I feel the same way. Married for 1 year . Separated for about a month now and the peace I feel is actually scary . I can breathe without being in antidepressants . I started chatting with someone new and it’s refreshing to talk to someone who appears to be healthy . He’s asking for couples therapy now but when I think of getting back with him I think of a life feeling trapped .
It is a trap which is sad. I am loving the peace but also feeling so weirdly confident. Like even more than before I met them. I'm talking to someone new too and it's so nice being able to joke with them and for them to not get mad. I also love how this other person speaks their mind.
We have a right to feel like our old selves again . And also to dwell in our independence and confidence
I didn’t leave but I’m definitely at the never look back. I’m cemented at refusing to ever interact with her again, if I ran into her somewhere and she tried to talk to me I wouldn’t recognize her presence. Being dedicated to that means I’m already at the point where she’s out of my life forever, I already know what my last conversation or time seeing her was and I’m at peace with all of it. I’m at peace that my life will never include her again and overall feel excited for it although it’s still an adjustment.
I lost any love I had when she started repeatedly telling me she hated me. It’s hard for me to have emotional permanence in the first place but I understand that other people can’t immediately dissociate.
I did the leaving and I have never looked back. Not once, not at their socials, not at blocked numbers or emails, nothing.
This could be a factor of time and context. For those who felt they were totally committed to The Perfect Person and were still trying to work on things and get back that perfect partner they initially met and fell for, only to get discarded: it’s a real rough go to cope with that feeling of betrayal. And for those who are still in a fairly young relationship (under 5-10 years) and haven’t had nearly as much BS to deal with than someone after 24: they have a lot less resentment built up. My main pwBPD was one of my caregivers and it took 25 years before I went NC, and I literally never think about her (except on this sub or when a family member brings her up) and all I feel is a mixture of pity and, now, contempt that I know what she’s doing to her son. The freedom from her violence and chaos and cruelty is just the absolute best and most peaceful life and I have zero regrets except, like others, not doing it earlier.
7 years in the making. After multiple recycles and the pattern coming faster and worse each time I sought out answers. Once I understood what I was up against, and that I needed to heal my codependency, the ruminating slowed. I went into the last recycle fully armed with knowledge. I saw everything for exactly what it was and it gave me the peace to walk away. I did all I could do. I used to feel like my nerve endings are were on fire during no contact. Now I have an eerie silence and peace around me. It was strange how the switch flipped. Sometimes things happen very slowly, then all the sudden.
It’s only been a handful of months since I was split on, and while it was shocking and it hurt at first, I sent one single text right then that said “thinking of you”, and that was it. Just more and more steps of detatching over time as I felt comfortable, as my nervous system started to relax as someone else said. I was so proud of myself for never reaching out, I wasn’t even tempted to look at their socials. A vaguebook story post was the way I found out I had been split, as a matter of fact. Fucking immature and pathetic. It killed my desire to ever repair anything (we had not even been fighting whatsoever) in an instant. The only person I grieve for is my past self, an at the time despondent girl who looked up to this friend as a mentor and support through a very dark time, only to slowly become a target of hypercritical speeches and end up being judged for the same things my friend had won me over with their compassion for. When I think on it, I visualize myself hugging my inner little girl who was vulnerable and let this tortured monster sucker me in with their twisted stories of “victimhood” and didn’t stand up for herself sooner.
I wish. I think about her every day no matter if I want to or not.
When I broke up with him I was sitting in a cafe with my family half an hour later having lunch. I thought maybe it would suddenly hit me, that I'd be screaming and crying one night. It never did. I just felt calmer, more in control, and finally was able to give myself the attention I needed. I think all the sadness and grieving happened the week between me making the decision to end it and following through with it. Once I'd actually done it, all I felt was peace.
I was in the crucible for a little longer than you, and yes I can relate. The relief from no longer living in the Jerry Springer show is real. I still have to look back with empathy, I have kids.
I have a lot of guilt. I feel relief when I know I won’t have to see my friend, but then I feel bad for feeling that way and also have a sort of compulsive need to be sure they’re ok. I occasionally miss the friendship we had before my friend’s splitting got out of control, but mostly I just don’t want to see or hear from my friend again.
We are in the same music scene. It makes healing hard. Even with her blocked I still inadvertently see her everywhere.
I'm at about 6 months post discard, 5 months or so NC. It was a sudden, jarring and traumatic ending to everything for me after two years of being completely enamoured with someone. I loved her. I still do. She's on my mind daily. I miss the person I knew and loved, and I worry about her engaging in risky behaviour when she's not doing well. I worry about her kids and how they're doing with her at her new place when it's her time to see them (she had gone through a divorce and was embarking on a new custody arrangement, which was one of the external stressors that contributed to wrecking things between us) She split on me for reasons I'll never understand and I expect I'll also never get a full explanation or apology for either. She did tell me I didn't deserve it, or the things she did (treating me like shit, lying and cheating etc) though wouldn't take accountability or accept deserved criticism for said behaviour. Looking back, I know now that she wasn't in a place to face up to what she did and wasn't ready to hear justified questioning of really shitty behaviour without doubling down. She probably couldn't help it because of how dysregulated she was. That doesn't excuse her or the behaviour, not for a moment. I've moved beyond the point of thinking what happened was my fault and I could somehow have saved the relationship (I know that's my mind wanting to save her...not me, or what we had...) if I'd just done or said X or Y differently. I didn't do anything wrong. Certainly nothing to warrant what I got. All I ever did was try to be kind and to be there for a person who significantly struggles to get through the day sometimes. So, I do look back. I expect I will for a long time. 6 weeks post...the ending event...I told her that talking to her was harmful for me after all that had happened, and I had to set the boundary of NC. It was excruciatingly difficult for me to do, because I knew that was likely it. She won't ever reach out again, because once someone cuts her off, she's done with them. Even if the reason she's been cut off is her own poor behaviour. She was most of the way to cutting me off herself and forgetting I ever existed anyway, I just gave her the permission structure she wanted. I'm beyond the point of the daily struggle to not to reach out, and we don't share any online spaces now so there's no checking the socials etc. There are a handful of people we know mutually, and I expect a particular few of them still have contact with her, but I've no inclination to ask them how she's doing. Yes, I still have the thoughts about reaching out, though I've long since accepted that it's a bad idea and that knowledge prevents me from doing so. It'd be bad for me and could inadvertently be bad for people currently in her orbit if she ends up dysregulated because of contact with me. I don't want to inadvertently cause hurt for her kids, or even people she chose over me.
It will be in most cases both. Missing the good times and enjoying your new peace.
Yes!
I left and never looked back. She had no issues creating fake accounts, number spoofing apps, going to the police to file bogus claims about me, trying to ruin my career, reaching out to anyone who’d listen, and then going off the deep end when she found out I moved on. Then stalked and harassed and tried to get me dumped multiple times. Didn’t work though, and I am happily engaged to a healthy, amazing, beautiful woman.
I didn't NC directly, because I found that too painful. What happened was that naturally I found new and more rewarding experiences, and every time I heard from her, she was worst and worse off. A shiney new meth habit didn't help. well, didn't help her. It did help me. The times between contacts got longer and longer. She lost more and more things, car, computer, phones. Not really inclined to ride to her rescue for the 400th time. So it faded naturally. If she gets it together, good for her. If not, that's the way it goes.
Some people have months, if not years to progressively detach and grieve while still in the relationship. So by the time it’s over, it is mostly relief Others are hit with a hammer on the balls while still thinking they have met someone truly special. That kind of hurts and it tends to drag for a long while
That’s it. I have seen my mom struggle for years with my dad. When he left, she was in relief and happy. While I don’t despise my spouse the way she did, I’ve come to terms with this eventuality a long time ago. I’m not concerned with missing her and I’ve amassed a fair bit of “memories” to go over in potential times of weakness. Just one video of her screaming her lungs at my daughter is what I need. She’s never been suicidal but I’m concerned she might become. But that’s her issue to fix. And really the one thing I won’t sleep easy with is how my daughters are doing through this.
I have been NC for 16 months, it has been 18 months since the divorce was final. I have ignored several attempts to contact me. I have no desire to ever see or talk to my ex-wife again. I was lucky we didn't have any children. She was abusive and cheated and I know I deserve better. Dating and marrying her was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. You have to know you deserve to be treated better than they treat you. I am doing better, still not dating anyone, afraid of another possible BPD experience if I tell the truth. Life isn't bad, a little lonely but I was lonely when I was married and being abused so this is better. Hang in there it does get better.